Zack and Miri Make a Porno

00:00:34You little motherfucker!
00:00:50Get up, Zack.
00:01:13Come on, I don't wanna be late for work.
00:01:24- Ahh! Get out! - Jesus, fuck!
00:01:25Close the door if you're gonna take a shit.
00:01:27- It was closed. - It was closed over, it was not closed.
00:01:30- Close the door, Zack! - Okay, okay.
00:01:32- God. - Fine.
00:01:52- What's that thing? - It's a hand warmer.
00:02:05We're going now.
00:02:16- You smell that? Is that the car? Fuck. - Oh, goddamn it.
00:02:20- What? What? - Oh, it's wedged in my taint.
00:02:22- What is? - It got wedged in my taint.
00:02:24- What? - It's stuck under my balls.
00:02:28- It's between my balls and my leg. - What's happening?
00:02:30- Please, pull over. Pull the fuck over! - All right, all right! Jesus, all right!
00:02:35It's about to move up to my ass. What?
00:02:37The movement makes it hotter.
00:02:39It's tucked under them. It's stuck under them.
00:02:53Oh, fuck.
00:03:07I think I burned my ball hair off.
00:03:13It's not funny.
00:03:30Can you help me pick out an outfit for tonight?
00:03:32I'm working till 6.
00:03:37- Well, I can try stuff on at the store. - The store?
00:03:42No, how about instead, you get a friend?
00:03:44But you are my friend.
00:03:46I mean a girl friend, jeez.
00:04:30Mr. Delaney, can you work for me tomorrow?
00:04:34Tomorrow's Thanksgiving.
00:04:35Then you must come in the next day, I tell you.
00:04:39- It's Black Friday. - Black Friday?
00:04:41It's the biggest mall-shopping day of the year.
00:04:44And since the mall is just up the street, I would like you to come out and work.
00:04:49- On Black Friday. - Oh, yeah.
00:04:52All right, you want me to work on Moolie Monday too?
00:04:54- I'm sorry? - How about Nigga Tuesday?
00:04:57- Nigga Tuesday? Is this a new holiday? - You come to a brother and tell him
00:05:00he gotta work on Black Friday. You got any idea how racist that sounds?
00:05:05Telling me to work. What, you think you own me?
00:05:07- I never said this, I tell you. - But you thought it, didn't you?
00:05:10You thought,
00:05:11"I'm gonna lay down the law for this nigga, I put food on his table,
00:05:14clothes on his nigga baby backs, and he ain't gonna say shit. "
00:05:17- This ain't Amistad. - You shut up.
00:05:19You goddamn right this ain't Amistad. I can't wait till the post office
00:05:22settles my disability suit because then I'm gonna be out this motherfucker.
00:05:26I'm gonna be Oprah rich. Y'all can kiss my ass.
00:05:29You know what? Fuck you. Fuck you, and suck cock.
00:05:34- To hell with you. - To hell with you.
00:05:36- Zachary will work. Zack, my boy. - Yeah.
00:05:40- The customer with the harelip... - Oh, yeah.
00:05:43- speak me, say you were playing baseball here the other night.
00:05:48Wiffle ball. And, uh, no, that wasn't me.
00:05:52Maybe the harelip makes it sound like "baseball. "
00:05:54Yeah, maybe you hear with an accent.
00:05:56- Fuck you, okay? - Okay.
00:05:58One day, I'm gonna put a camera over there, and then I can tell...
00:06:02I'll know everything you do when I'm gone.
00:06:04Everything. Scratch your balls, take a shit, everything, I tell you, okay?
00:06:08Okay. Fucker.
00:06:11I hate both of you ebony and ivory motherfuckers, I tell you.
00:06:17- Why is he so fucking high-strung? - "Fuck off, I tell you. Very good. "
00:06:23Can you believe that Gandhi motherfucker, telling me I gotta work on Black Friday?
00:06:26Ain't that some shit?
00:06:27- Yeah. - Like I don't wanna do shopping.
00:06:30Biggest sales day of the year. I'm getting a flat-screen TV, believe that.
00:06:33That's my fault, I should tell you. I asked for Friday morning off, I'm sorry.
00:06:37- For what? - I actually need a lot of recovery time.
00:06:40Tonight is me and Miri's ten-year high school reunion.
00:06:43I'm just gonna get fucking alcohol poisoning.
00:06:46- Reunion? Tomorrow's Thanksgiving. - Isn't that fucked up that they do that?
00:06:50They say it's the best chance to get everyone together.
00:06:52People come back in town for the holidays.
00:06:54But they could have it in the middle of the summer
00:06:57at a blowjob contest that I was judging' and it would still be retarded.
00:07:01- So why you going, then? - Miri's making me go.
00:07:04Why you always bending over backwards for that girl'
00:07:07- knowing she ain't giving up no ass? - We got a good thing going.
00:07:10She pays half the rent, does dishes, she wakes me up in the morning.
00:07:14Why complicate that with sex?
00:07:16Besides, man, I've known her since the first grade.
00:07:18You don't fuck someone you met in the first grade.
00:07:21Excuse me, I met my wife in kindergarten.
00:07:23We got married senior year,
00:07:24and she has been the queen of my world ever since.
00:07:27- What if you could do it all over again? - I'd jerk off and live by myself.
00:07:31That woman is the bane of my existence.
00:07:33- See? - Excuse me, can I get a coffee, black?
00:07:37Can't you see we talking, white?
00:07:42If you're gonna continue to emasculate me
00:07:44with this Barbie dress-up shit'
00:07:47I'm using your laptop.
00:07:48Don't forget to smack it when you turn it on,
00:07:50otherwise the screen doesn't come on.
00:07:54Why don't you spring and get a new one?
00:07:56Same reason I don't spring for clothes for tonight, I'm broke.
00:07:59There's a chick who works at Teen Juice at the mall, you know.
00:08:02I gave her a good deal on yarn,
00:08:04- so she's letting me borrow this stuff. - Yo, bro.
00:08:08What? - You're buying a vibrator online.
00:08:12- What's wrong with the one you have? It died last week.
00:08:15Look at the size of those fucking panties.
00:08:18Shoot that shit. Shoot it.
00:08:20My God, who even knew Amazon sold shit like this?
00:08:22This is incredible.
00:08:24- Those are fucking granny panties. Okay,
00:08:27A, I don't appreciate you violating the sanctity of my Amazon Wish List page'
00:08:31and B, I'm not buying that thing from Amazon,
00:08:33because it turns out I don't have a credit card they take.
00:08:42- Oh, shit. - I'm sorry, guys. Am I in the way?
00:08:46You're a fucking faggot, all right? Let's go to Starbucks.
00:08:49- He's a shitty barista anyways. - Cock.
00:08:56- And he throws like a bitch. You know what else I throw?
00:08:59My nut sack in your coffees, so how did that taste, fucker?
00:09:02We saw your girlfriend in her underwear, cunt nugget.
00:09:05Well, too bad she's not my girlfriend, you little fuck... Oh, they're gone.
00:09:09Are you still talking to me?
00:09:10Uh, just said, I'm gonna look up more fuck toys on Amazon.
00:09:16Oh, holy shit.
00:09:18- They sell the Fleshlight here too. - What's that?
00:09:21It's a fucking pocket pussy that is shaped like a flashlight
00:09:24"for discretionary jacking off. "
00:09:26That way if you get caught, no one thinks it's weird.
00:09:28You're just a guy who likes to fuck his flashlight.
00:09:31I am totally buying this shit.
00:09:33Whoa, if you've got money to burn, how about paying the electric bill?
00:09:36- That's due already? - November's is probably due now,
00:09:39but I was talking about September's. Tell me this doesn't rock.
00:09:45You kind of look like Ronald McDonald.
00:09:47That makes me want some McNuggets.
00:09:49Why would you wanna buy a pocket pussy anyway? That is so sad.
00:09:53What? Excuse me, I forgot about the nobility
00:09:55that accompanies coming with a fucking vibrator.
00:09:58Think a kid in Darfur gets saved every time a vibrator makes you come? No.
00:10:02- "Real feel action"? Oh, my God. - Yeah.
00:10:04If you start fucking machines, I'm moving out.
00:10:06What do you think a vibrator is? It's a machine.
00:10:09How come you get to fuck something with a motor in it?
00:10:11I've never met a man who can make me come like a vibrator does.
00:10:15That's bullshit. You get to be Buck Rogers having sex in the 25th century
00:10:18with fucking Twiki and Dr. Theopolis.
00:10:20I'm stuck to a bottle of Jergens in the bathroom.
00:10:23Holy bejesus. You do not use my Jergens to jack it in our bathroom.
00:10:28No, you know what I do actually, is I light a bunch of candles
00:10:31and I sprawl out on my sheets and I listen to Sting.
00:10:35No, I'm a guy. Give me two Popsicle sticks and a rubber band,
00:10:38I'll find a way to fuck it, like a filthy MacGyver.
00:10:41Oh, my God, I'm so glad I'm not a guy. How about this?
00:10:46I don't get why you're putting so much effert into this thing.
00:10:49I thought we were just gonna go to sit around and make fun of everybody.
00:10:54I can't wear anything that I already own and expect to bring home Bobby Long.
00:10:58Bobby fucking Long? No way. Didn't that guy call you "Stinky Linky"?
00:11:04Yeah, that was then, okay?
00:11:05Maybe now he can save me a fortune in Amazon bills.
00:11:08Maybe you can fuck our landlord
00:11:11so we can at least keep a roof over our heads.
00:11:14You don't have the rent? Zack, it's your month.
00:11:17Hey, I bought skates with last week's paycheck
00:11:20- and I need those to skate with. - Oh.
00:11:23And this week's will barely cover the past two water bills, so...
00:11:27Is this sexy?
00:11:29Yeah, in like a To Catch a Predator kind of way, it is pretty fucking sexy.
00:11:34Then we're done.
00:11:37What the fuck? Zack.
00:11:40- You want me to come in? - What happened to the water?
00:11:47- They shut it off. - Oh, shit. Just, uh...
00:11:50Help me get this shit out of my hair. Just use the water out of the toilet.
00:11:57- There's poo in there. - Not that part.
00:11:59- The back part of the toilet thing. - Oh, that makes sense.
00:12:02Take the cup there and then scoop it in, there you go.
00:12:05Here, I'll lean back and you can just' you know, pour it down like... Like that.
00:12:09You're harshing my buzz, you know.
00:12:11This is so lame. Don't look. Don't look.
00:12:13Don't look.
00:12:15Whoa!
00:12:28All right, one hour tops, then we're gone.
00:12:30Or I had an idea.
00:12:31We could just not go at all, which would rock.
00:12:35Even though we're broke and we've never amounted to anything,
00:12:38we're still better than these people, right?
00:12:40No. Not at all. We're probably not even as good as most of them,
00:12:45unless one of them is a crackhead or something.
00:12:47Just tell me I'm prettier than when we graduated.
00:12:51You look about the same.
00:12:53Definitely not prettier, but around the same.
00:12:56I'm thinner, though, right? A little?
00:12:59Not really.
00:13:01Well, good pep talk. Fuck.
00:13:15- Ta-da. - Ta-da.
00:13:21- You don't recognize us, do you? - Um, no, sorry.
00:13:24Zack Brown, Miri Linky.
00:13:26Were you the one they called Stinky Linky?
00:13:28Oh, no, no one ever called me that.
00:13:31Oh.
00:13:32- Great. What does yours say? - What the fuck? Come on.
00:13:35- I'm sure I had a nickname. Nothing? - All right, you have a great time'
00:13:39and before you go, don't forget your copy of The Roving Roe-Ver.
00:13:43What the fuck's this shit?
00:13:45That is not shit, that would be our bi-monthly newsletter.
00:13:48- Awesome. - It updates you
00:13:50- on what everyone's doing. - Finally.
00:13:52I love your enthusiasm. Here you go. Write your e-mail address on that
00:13:57and I'll be sure to add you to our 800-member-strong mailing list.
00:14:01We had 800 people in our graduating class?
00:14:03Yes, and only 250 R.S.V.P.'d. Doesn't that suck, Mary?
00:14:08- Miri. - You married, Bets?
00:14:10- I am. Two kids. - Wow, that's beautiful.
00:14:13- Awesome. - You wanna fuck me later?
00:14:15- Uh, no, I'm married. - Okay, cool. If you change your mind,
00:14:19- I'll be in there getting shitfaced. - He will.
00:14:21- Just so you know, I eat the pussy. - He does.
00:14:23Ah, tempting. Again, no.
00:14:26- Shall we? - Sir. Bye, Bets.
00:14:30Think about it.
00:15:18Enjoy.
00:15:21Can I get two beers, please? You want a beer?
00:15:24- Yeah. - Three beers.
00:15:27- Thank you. - Here you go.
00:15:29Is that Zack? Or am I Zack? Whoa, ho, ho.
00:15:35Oh, wow.
00:15:37- Never gets old, huh? - The other Zack.
00:15:39Oh, in my world, nobody calls me "the other Zack,"
00:15:43now that this guy's not around anymore, huh?
00:15:47- Get the fuck off of me. - There can be only one.
00:15:52- What? - Highlander, man? The Kurgan.
00:15:56Remember? I'd yell it at you whenever we passed each other in the hallway?
00:16:00Like it was yesterday, man. Awesome. Awesome.
00:16:03Awesome. God, you guys have so much to catch up on. Whoo.
00:16:07- No. - I'm gonna let you get to it.
00:16:09Bitch.
00:16:15Have you seen that big blowup picture they have of me?
00:16:18Yeah, it's...
00:16:20My hair is terrible. I can't believe I even wore my hair like that.
00:16:24That's before I knew about styling products, you know.
00:16:27It makes a big difference in life. But you live and learn, though, right?
00:16:31I mean, ten years ago, Pittsburgh, who knew anything about fashion?
00:16:37Back in the day, our hairstyle, oh...
00:16:43Hey, stranger.
00:16:46- Whoa. Stinky Linky. - Yeah. Although it's just Miri now.
00:16:51- Give me a hug. - Oh, okay.
00:16:53- Hi, heh, heh, heh. - Hi.
00:16:56Wow.
00:16:58- How have you been? - Great, great.
00:17:01- Yeah? - You look fantastic.
00:17:02Wow, that is not something that you would have said to me ten years ago.
00:17:07- Well, I've grown up. - Yes. Yes, you have.
00:17:11You just look...
00:17:14Ooh, heh, heh.
00:17:17- Well, listen to you. Thank you. - No, don't thank me, just fuck me.
00:17:36Roxanne. Hey.
00:17:38Someone I like, what are the odds' huh?
00:17:43Zack Brown, we had four years of Spanish together.
00:17:46Why does no one recognize me?
00:17:47- Am I thinner? Is that it? - Look at him.
00:17:51- Who? - My stupid husband.
00:17:53No fucking shit. John Butterfield? You actually married John Butterfield?
00:17:58- That's amazing. - Don't ever get married.
00:18:00It sucks. You stop appreciating each other and run out of shit to talk about
00:18:04after the first year. But look at him now, chatty as fuck.
00:18:09Flirting up a storm with that cheerleader nimrod Monica Von.
00:18:13You want me to maybe flirt with you so he can see it, even it up a bit?
00:18:17I don't wanna get even.
00:18:20If I was gonna do anything, I'd wanna one-up the asshole.
00:18:25You can give me a handjob in the girls' locker room.
00:18:32- Fine, but make it fast. - Fuck, yeah.
00:18:34Are you staying in town for a while or...?
00:18:37Just tonight. I fly back to L.A. tomorrow.
00:18:40L.A., wow, Los Angeles. Gosh, Bobby Long, coming up in the world.
00:18:46- With Mrs. Long, I bet, huh? - No, no, no. No Mrs. Long for me.
00:18:53- Then can I be honest with you? - Sure.
00:18:56Um...
00:19:00Whew. I think I need a drink.
00:19:01Do you need a drink? Because I need a drink to say this.
00:19:04- I've got a beer already, so... - Oh, great, thank you.
00:19:08I think there's a cigarette butt in there.
00:19:10Yup.
00:19:15Sorry about the elbow.
00:19:21There can be only one.
00:19:26Can I get a beer, please?
00:19:30Thank you very much.
00:19:34Oh, Jesus Christ.
00:19:37My friend's making an ass of herself hitting on her high school crush.
00:19:40Oh, God, that's so sad.
00:19:42It's so Miri, is what it is. I'm Zack, by the way.
00:19:45Brandon.
00:19:48Don't worry, we weren't in the same class or anything.
00:19:51- Okay. Lucky you. - Are you a Monroe-ver?
00:19:55Well, I went here' let's just leave it at that, I guess.
00:19:59Do you have one of the large blown-up pictures of your younger self
00:20:02- hanging around here? - I do, kind of. Right there.
00:20:08Gorgeous. - Good times.
00:20:10What do you do? What brings you here?
00:20:12I came with somebody who went to school here.
00:20:15- Really? - Bobby Long.
00:20:16No shit. That's who my friend's hitting on right now. See right there?
00:20:19- Really. - One dressed like Hannah Montana?
00:20:23In L.A., we call that look "Nickelodeon chic. "
00:20:26- Wait, L.A.? Los Angeles? - California.
00:20:28That's awesome, man. What do you do out there?
00:20:31- I'm an actor. - Wow, that's really impressive.
00:20:35- Thank you, thank you. - In fucking movies?
00:20:37"Fucking movies. " Pretty much.
00:20:40Look at you. What...? Anything I've seen? What movies?
00:20:43Oh, all sorts of movies with all-male casts.
00:20:45All-male casts. Like Glengarry Glen Ross? Like that?
00:20:49Like Glen and Gary Suck Ross' Meaty Cock
00:20:53and Drop Their Hairy Nuts in His Eager Mouth.
00:20:58- Is that like a sequel? - Sort of.
00:21:02- It's a re-imagining. - Oh, like The Wiz.
00:21:06More erotic and with less women.
00:21:10No women, to be exact.
00:21:14I apologize in advance if I am out of line here,
00:21:19but are you in gay porn?
00:21:21- Guilty as charged. - Are you fucking with me?
00:21:24- I thought you recognized me, that's... - Oh, okay, I get it.
00:21:27You're not in my demographic' so I'm not insulted.
00:21:30- Not really. Who's your demographic? - Do you love pussy?
00:21:33- I do. - Then not you.
00:21:35Oh, okay.
00:21:36I came here tonight
00:21:39hoping to seduce you and bring you back to my apartment
00:21:42and sleep with you to, uh, get back at you,
00:21:45you know, for calling me Stinky Linky all those years ago.
00:21:50Wow.
00:21:51That is a weird revenge plot.
00:21:53- You must be a terrible lay for that. - What? No, I'm great.
00:21:56I mean, I've had enough practice and everything. That...
00:21:59Wow, that sounded not good.
00:22:03I fuck a lot. That's what I meant to say. That doesn't sound good either. Wow.
00:22:08You're a lot funnier than I remember.
00:22:11Thank you. Gosh, you turned out to be such a nice guy.
00:22:18It just... You know, it makes it even easier to just... To just say this.
00:22:23Would you like to come back to my place and maybe open a bottle of wine
00:22:27and have ourselves a real high school reunion?
00:22:31- I... - Hello, Miriam.
00:22:33Beat it, we're talking.
00:22:34- I wanted to introduce you to Brandon. - Salutations.
00:22:38- Bobby's boyfriend. - Bobby who?
00:22:40- Bobby me. - Bobby Long.
00:22:44Brandon is the star of such adult fare as- What was that one called again?
00:22:50You Better Shut Your Mouth or I'm Gonna Fuck It.
00:22:53That's right. I'm surprised I forgot that.
00:22:56Are you fucking with me?
00:22:58No, they're fucking with each other.
00:23:00Oh, my God.
00:23:03- No. - What?
00:23:06Granny Panties?
00:23:08- Excuse me? - How can you tell?
00:23:10This is so crazy.
00:23:11I was literally just watching you, like, right before we got here.
00:23:15This is so crazy. This is you, right?
00:23:18TEEN 1 My name's Granny Panties,
00:23:19and nobody wants to fuck me.
00:23:22Nothing's whiter than my big gay ass...
00:23:24Where'd you get that?
00:23:25Oh, I entered "gay" and "ass," and it was the top hit.
00:23:28It's had 200,000 views in three hours. Honey, you are, like...
00:23:33I'm jealous right now because you're, like, super famous.
00:23:36Baby, please take our picture. I get a picture with Granny Panties.
00:23:40- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - This is awesome.
00:23:42- All right, smile. Okay, got it. - Did you get it?
00:23:45- Oh, thank you very much. - E-mail me that.
00:23:47Oh, because he's the worst photographer. Okay, good.
00:23:50- You're gay? - Yeah.
00:23:53And I'm on the Internet wearing a diaper?
00:23:56Who knew you'd come to Pittsburgh and meet a celebrity?
00:24:00I'm gonna binge-drink now until I pass out.
00:24:02Okay. She'll be fine. So you guys suck each other's cocks, huh?
00:24:07Oh, like crazy.
00:24:10Okay, that's enough, I think.
00:24:12I'm embarrassing him. I love when he's embarrassed.
00:24:14He's not living out loud, so he gets all like, ooh.
00:24:17- You are totally in love, aren't you? - Zachary, we are.
00:24:20Wow, I...
00:24:22Oh, God, I just wanna eat him up, yum, yum.
00:24:24Save some for me, yum, yum, yum.
00:24:25- I can't keep my hands off him. - You've had one too many.
00:24:28Although he does most of the eating in the sack. In the sack and of the sack.
00:24:32All right, that's enough. Look, you've drunk too much.
00:24:35You do this every time. You get too Mary for everybody in the room
00:24:38- and you can't contain yourself. - Oh, I'm sorry.
00:24:41And by containing myself, do you mean containing myself in a closet?
00:24:46In a closet of denial? Is that...? No, no, no.
00:24:48Holy shit, this just got real.
00:24:50This is exactly why you haven't met my mother.
00:24:53You don't know how to ease people into this situation.
00:24:55- You just force your way in every time. - I thought, maybe for one second
00:24:59in this godforsaken town, I could be myself. I'm so sorry.
00:25:03No, you're right, I should just butch up
00:25:05and pretend that I don't love it when you shove your dick in my mouth.
00:25:11- This is the best night of my life. Am I making a spectacle?
00:25:14- I could make a much bigger scene. - You really are.
00:25:16I'm sorry. Pittsburgh. Listen up, Monroe-vers.
00:25:20My name is Brandon St. Randy' and I love Bobby Long.
00:25:25- Fucking A. - Is that enough?
00:25:26Is that enough of a scene? I could start doing worse than that.
00:25:29The reason you haven't taken me to your mother's...
00:25:32Your mother with her makeup and all her drinking, she's in the closet too.
00:25:36- They fight just like real people. - I thought I'd be a conduit for you-
00:25:39Thank you.
00:25:41- Are you being sarcastic? - No, I'm not.
00:25:44- Thank you. - I love you.
00:25:48- I'll e-mail you. - Zack, it was so nice to meet you.
00:25:50And I will be patient with you. I will be there on your journey.
00:25:54I will be your Sherpa up the mountain of gayness.
00:26:24Well, might as well see how many hits Granny Panties is up to, huh?
00:26:33Did I do that?
00:26:43Thanks, George.
00:26:46What kind of evil fucks turn off your power the day...?
00:26:50No, the night before Thanksgiving? Who does that?
00:26:55Can you get an advance on your card?
00:26:57Fleshlight maxed-out my $200 limit. Not a wise purchase, I'll give you that.
00:27:02This is bad. If we don't come up with rent, we're gonna get locked out.
00:27:06Who the fuck wants to live there? There's no water or power.
00:27:09Which means by the time we get home, there's no heat either.
00:27:13Well, I think it's time we put what we always talked about into effect.
00:27:18- You're gonna have to start hooking. - You know, you jest,
00:27:21but these are the exact circumstances people find themselves in
00:27:24right before they start having sex for money.
00:27:26- Yeah. - Or making porn.
00:27:43Oh, my God, yeah. - What? You got an idea?
00:27:46We could make a porno.
00:27:48- Not the idea I was looking for. - What?
00:27:50No, that is a fucking awesome idea. Are you shitting me? That's a rad idea.
00:27:54That guy, Brandon St. Randy, who's Bobby Long's awesome nice boyfriend,
00:27:58he said he makes a hundred grand a year
00:28:00because he shoots and distributes his own porno flicks.
00:28:03If it's so easy, how come everybody doesn't do it?
00:28:06Because other people have options and dignity, which we do not have,
00:28:09which puts us in an amazingly advantageous position.
00:28:13Fuck you, I have dignity.
00:28:14Where? Is it hidden in your gigantic underpants
00:28:17that are plastered all over the Internet? Is that where you hide your dignity?
00:28:20Every woman has a pair of those period panties. That's, like, a fact.
00:28:24Okay. Families.
00:28:26I bet people don't make porno, because they have families.
00:28:29But luckily, your parents are dead. Sorry. My grandparents are dead.
00:28:34- Sorry. - Thank you.
00:28:36So who are we gonna disappoint? Porn has gone mainstream now.
00:28:39It's like Coca-Cola or Pepsi with dicks in it. Look at Paris Hilton.
00:28:44She throat-fucks a guy in night vision,
00:28:46now she's selling fragrances to tweens.
00:28:49And I'm pretty sure she's legally retarded.
00:28:51That's for tweens?
00:28:52Have you seen that Joe Francis guy who made Girls Gone Wild?
00:28:55That guy is the biggest fucking idiot piece of shit in the world
00:28:58and he has a jet and a fucking island.
00:29:00Look, there's got to be a less extreme solution to our financial woes here.
00:29:06- Give me a better option. - Get a paper route.
00:29:08- I don't have a bike. - Be a waiter.
00:29:10No one wants me around their food. Would you eat food that I gave you?
00:29:14I would not eat food that you gave me, that's true.
00:29:17I mean, nobody wants to see us fuck, Zack.
00:29:19Everybody wants to see anybody fuck. I hate Rosie O'Donnell,
00:29:23but if someone said, "I got a tape of Rosie O'Donnell getting fucked stupid,"
00:29:27I'd be like, "Why aren't we watching that right now?"
00:29:30Because she's famous. Hello.
00:29:31So are you. You're fucking Granny Panties.
00:29:33My underwear and your ass are famous, we're not.
00:29:37So who the F would wanna watch us fuck?
00:29:40- At least 800 people. - The jerks we went to school with?
00:29:42- Are you serious? - Of course.
00:29:44If you heard that someone we graduated with
00:29:46was in a fucking porno movie, you'd watch it, right?
00:29:49I'd watch that guy Brandon suck a cock, I just met him.
00:29:52With this mailing list, we have almost a thousand people
00:29:54that would definitely buy a porno we were in just to be like,
00:29:57"Hey, I sat next to that guy in Civics. Look at his fucking dick. "
00:30:01We sell a thousand copies at 20 bucks a pop, bam, we have paid off our bills.
00:30:06So, what do you think? - I don't think I wanna fuck a stranger.
00:30:11Oh, wow, like you've never done that before.
00:30:13How many guys have you met in a bar, taken home,
00:30:17banged with your mouth and then never talked to again?
00:30:21That's what we call a stranger.
00:30:22Dude, I don't one-night mouth-fuck anybody that I pick up in bars.
00:30:27You don't wanna fuck a stranger in the porno movie for some weird reason.
00:30:32I guess...
00:30:36We could fuck.
00:30:38- Ew. - Fuck you.
00:30:40I mean, you're a nice-enough-looking guy and everything...
00:30:44Holy fuck, thank you. You're an all-right-enough-looking girl.
00:30:47- How does that feel? - Dude, I'm just saying
00:30:49it'd be weird and wrong, you know, like fucking my brother.
00:30:52Okay, seriously, we're just talking about sex, okay?
00:30:55It's for a purpose. It's for getting rich. Only my dick and your pussy
00:30:59would be doing something weird. Our bodies and brains would be acting.
00:31:04- Wow. - Just explain to your private beforehand,
00:31:07"Look, this doesn't mean anything. We're just doing this for cash. "
00:31:11- Oh, my God. - What?
00:31:13You're just doing this because you've always wanted to fuck me, aren't you?
00:31:18Yes. I've gone my whole life pretending that I want nothing to do with you,
00:31:23just hoping one day we'd be in such dire financial straits
00:31:27that I could use it to finally make my move on you.
00:31:34You're just being sarcastic. - I am.
00:31:36See, I was pretending to cry right there.
00:31:40I guess it's not like it'd be creepy,
00:31:43like if we got way too drunk one night and accidentally fucked, you know?
00:31:47No. We'd be going in with the understanding that it's...
00:31:52A business decision.
00:31:53Strictly a business decision. It's a means to an end.
00:31:56- Right. - And by end,
00:31:58I mean, I'll be waxing your ass.
00:32:00Fuck you. I'm not even letting you see my ass.
00:32:03I've seen your ass and the rest of you naked around a billion times already.
00:32:07- That goes both ways, buddy. - You've never seen my dick.
00:32:10Have you seen my dick? You've never seen my dick.
00:32:13Are you kidding? That party we went to where you got blasted,
00:32:16and Houls dared you to give yourself head,
00:32:18and we all watched you try for, like, an hour.
00:32:20Oh, yeah. Thanks by the way, for fucking letting me do that. Thank you.
00:32:25Oh, God. We really do know too much about each other.
00:32:28See, and this would really just be one more thing.
00:32:32I mean, look at us. It's Thanksgiving and we're huddled around a flaming
00:32:36fucking garbage can like a couple of steno bums.
00:32:38I mean, this could give us a chance to pay off our debt, pay our bills,
00:32:43get a fucking nicer apartment with heat in it maybe.
00:32:49What are you doing?
00:32:53Miriam Linky, will you have sex with me on camera for money?
00:33:05I will.
00:33:08A producer? Yeah.
00:33:09- Guy who gets to finance the movie. - You think I got that kind of money?
00:33:13We just need that. What you're about to spend on the flat screen.
00:33:16Now I can't get my flat screen? Fuck that.
00:33:19No, no, no. With your cut of the profits, you're gonna get two flat screens.
00:33:23One in your living room, one in your bathroom.
00:33:25One in the bathroom?
00:33:27You know, it's always been my dream to watch shit while I shit.
00:33:31Everyone with an ass loves to watch shit while they shit.
00:33:33- I'm gonna make that happen for you. - I don't know, man.
00:33:37What else the producer do?
00:33:38- Um, they help with the casting. - What's casting?
00:33:42Finding the people to be in the movie.
00:33:44- I get to help pick the women? - Yeah.
00:33:46Like, I can look at a titty, make sure there ain't no moles on there?
00:33:50- You can look at both titties, man. - Man.
00:33:53I've been looking at the same busted titties for the past almost 20 years.
00:33:57- I'm due for another new titty. - Please help us. Please.
00:34:01Please.
00:34:06Yes. Yes. I love you.
00:34:11Well, don't mind that smell.
00:34:13We had some homeless people squatting in here.
00:34:16You know, they'd void their bowels everywhere but the bathroom.
00:34:19Anyway, you pick up the poop and you've got yourself a movie studio.
00:34:24Why don't we shoot in your apartment?
00:34:26No power. You wanna pay our electric bill?
00:34:29- You motherfuckers... - We'll take it.
00:34:34Bring it back. - Fuck, fuck, fuck.
00:34:38Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus.
00:34:41Oh, God. Come on.
00:34:45Why the fuck do I have to do everything? Fuckers.
00:34:52Hey, what is that?
00:34:55Fucking guys. This fucking team, man. They fucking suck.
00:35:01I'm gonna hatefuck the shit out of you, ref.
00:35:04- Dude. - It's cool.
00:35:06- He's my cousin. - Hey.
00:35:09Didn't you used to videotape the varsity basketball games in high school?
00:35:13Just the away games. I did it because I was trying to fuck a cheerleader.
00:35:17Which one?
00:35:18Whichever one wanted to fuck the guy who taped the varsity games.
00:35:22- Aw. - Still know how to work a camera?
00:35:25- Who cares what the title is? - The porn I liked when I was a kid,
00:35:28it was always, like, a spoof of a popular movie, you know?
00:35:31Like, um, Edward Penishands.
00:35:34Okay, so we need a mildly clever, vaguely dirty title,
00:35:38that sounds like a real movie
00:35:40- and sums up what you're gonna see. - Correct.
00:35:43An American Werewolf in Brenda?
00:35:45Fuckback Mountain?
00:35:48- Too soon? A Cock-in-Lips Now? Next.
00:35:51Cradle the balls. Work the shaft.
00:35:53Jerk my come-crayon and let me color you white.
00:35:57I need cock and I need it now.
00:35:59I'm fucking you in the puss.
00:36:01I'm fucking you in the puss.
00:36:03It's "puss" as in pussy.
00:36:06Oh, because I was like' who would wanna fuck puss?
00:36:10I want to slam my ham in your can, woman. Scene.
00:36:16- This guy is amazing. - This guy's great-looking too.
00:36:20I wanna fuck him.
00:36:22Hi, my name's Delaney and I'm a producer.
00:36:26I really don't know what it means. I'm gonna be honest, this is my first time.
00:36:29You don't have to worry, I'm not gonna touch you or nothing like that.
00:36:33- All right. - I have a wife, you know.
00:36:37We're happy. I mean, not happy' but it's cool, you know.
00:36:42Just so you know, there will be some fucking.
00:36:46- We'll talk about that if you get the part. - Okay.
00:36:50I mean, not- We won't be fucking, there'll be fucking in the movie.
00:36:53Like I said, I got a wife. She don't play that shit.
00:36:56- She is a crazy bitch. - Yep.
00:36:59It's my job as the producer to see what you got.
00:37:04So if that makes you uncomfortable in any way,
00:37:07you don't have to show me anything you don't wanna show me, because...
00:37:14I love the movies.
00:37:16- Lawrence of a Labia. - No.
00:37:18- Oh, come on. - Dawn of the Dick.
00:37:21Yeah, but how are zombies doing it at all sexy?
00:37:24I want to eat your brain
00:37:27and your ass.
00:37:30- Dude. - Sci-fi.
00:37:32Yeah. Close Encounters With a Turd From Behind.
00:37:36- I don't know what that means. - Just asses.
00:37:39Fucking deep in asses.
00:37:45What?
00:37:46We're making a porno and we just need to know
00:37:48what you would be or would not be interested in doing.
00:37:52If anything.
00:37:54- No anal. - Oh, definitely no anal.
00:37:56Anal and hugging.
00:37:58I don't do ass stuff.
00:38:00- Anal. - Ah, fuck.
00:38:02- Oh, wait, oral. I like anal. - Yay.
00:38:06Okay, well, so, uh, do you have any special skills?
00:38:09Special skills?
00:38:12I can get a boner really quick and it sticks straight up.
00:38:15- Is that really a special skill? - I think.
00:38:17- Can you show us what you mean? - Sure.
00:38:28Oh, that is special.
00:38:31Yeah, you're hired, Mr....
00:38:33- Who are you again? - Lester.
00:38:35Lester "The Molester" Cockinshtuff.
00:38:37- No. - Wow.
00:38:38That is the best porn name I've ever heard, man.
00:38:42I can have a porn name?
00:38:44- Then I'll be Pete Jones. - Okay.
00:38:48Are you Granny Panties?
00:38:50- She is. - Get the fuck out of here.
00:38:52The panties are actually in the house.
00:38:53- I'll get them. - Whoa.
00:38:55- Star Sex 2: The Wrath of Cunt. - We never made a Star Sex 1.
00:38:58I guess we can lose Star Sex 3: The Search for Cock, then.
00:39:01- Cocunt. - What's that?
00:39:03It's Cocoon with a cunt.
00:39:07So Delaney tells us you have a special talent of some sort.
00:39:11I don't know if I'd call it a special talent,
00:39:14but it's a little something I picked up doing bachelor parties.
00:39:17It would probably be easier if I just showed you.
00:39:21- Great. - The floor is yours.
00:39:38So a movie, huh? That could be fun.
00:39:52Holy fuck.
00:39:58Her name's Bubbles.
00:40:01- Invasion of the Potty-Snatchers? - That's like MAD Magazine stupid.
00:40:05Well, fuck you, okay? You try to think of a good sci-fi porno title. It's hard.
00:40:09There's gotta be one we haven't thought of that would say it all'
00:40:12not be ridiculously filthy and off-putting,
00:40:14and still have instant recognition with our audience.
00:40:19- I got it. - I got it.
00:40:21- Star Whores. - Yeah. It's funny, right?
00:40:24See, we figured this opens us up to an even bigger sales market
00:40:27beyond the people we went to school with.
00:40:29People who like comics and sci-fi.
00:40:31Comics? Like "Ziggy"?
00:40:33"Ziggy"? Is that even in fucking papers anymore? No, man.
00:40:36Fuck you. "Ziggy" is a comic' right next to "Family Circus. "
00:40:39No, like Spider-Man and shit, you know?
00:40:42There's always a shitload of Star Wars nerds at those comic-book shows.
00:40:46So we sell them a Princess Leia they can really fucking jerk off to.
00:40:49- That'd be me, Princess Lay-Her. - Who am I playing?
00:40:54You, my friend, are the lead role of Lubed Guy-Baller.
00:40:57Man, he's gonna be balling dudes?
00:40:59I thought you said this was boys on girls.
00:41:01If I have to fuck a guy, okay, but I'd rather fuck a girl.
00:41:04What's wrong with you, boy?
00:41:06- We'll change the name to Sky-Baller. - Sky-Baller.
00:41:10I will be Hung So-low.
00:41:12Delaney, my friend, you are On-Ur-Knees Bend-Over.
00:41:16Man, I can't be in no porno. My wife will kill me.
00:41:18Hump me, On-Ur-Knees Bend-Over. You're my only hump.
00:41:22On the other hand, fuck my wife.
00:41:24Unfortunately, On-Ur-Knees Bend-Over does not have any sex in the movie
00:41:27but the droids do, I-CUP and R2-T-Bag.
00:41:32I robot.
00:41:35And Stacey over here is gonna play Darth Vibrator.
00:41:40- I'm the bad guy? - She's not a guy, Zack.
00:41:42I know that because I'm not a fucking idiot.
00:41:45In our movie, Darth Vibrator is a bad girl
00:41:48who wants to fuck the galaxy,
00:41:50literally, and it's up to Lubed and Hung to stop her with their cocks.
00:41:55- You and me get to have sex, then? - Yeah.
00:41:57- Cool. - I know. Isn't that awesome?
00:42:00Hold up, hold up. So who's all having sex with who in this movie?
00:42:03As of last night, I was having sex with Zack.
00:42:06What? Han Solo ain't never had no sex with Princess Leia in the Star Wars.
00:42:11Guys, this isn't a literal adaptation here.
00:42:13It's more of an erotic re-imagining.
00:42:17Kind of like The Wiz or like a parody. With lots of anal.
00:42:21- Cool. - I know, isn't that awesome?
00:42:24I have a question, do Princess Lay-Her and Lubed Sky-Baller have sex?
00:42:29Uh, no, because they're brother and sister,
00:42:32and according to Miri' brothers and sisters can't fuck.
00:42:35But you said, that this wasn't a literal translation,
00:42:38so that means Lester's character could have sex with Miri's character.
00:42:42Because I would love to fucking eat her ass and fuck her silly in the movie.
00:42:46Dream on, pal, it's never gonna happen, okay?
00:42:49- No, I'm fine with it. - See, she's fine... Wait, what?
00:42:52Yep. I mean, everyone else is having sex with more than one person
00:42:55in this movie all of a sudden,
00:42:57so I think it's, you know, not fair if I'm only fucking you.
00:43:03Guys, read amongst yourselves, okay? Can I talk to you for a sec?
00:43:06Look, Miri,
00:43:08we got plenty of sex going on in this thing, you don't have to do that.
00:43:12Zack, it's fine. I mean I have slept with way worse-looking guys than Lester.
00:43:16I just wanna do my part for the movie like everyone else.
00:43:19You're having sex in the movie, you don't need to fuck someone else.
00:43:22- You're good. - I'm only fucking you, though.
00:43:24So don't we need to vary it up to keep it fair?
00:43:28Fair for...? I don't... What? Fair for who?
00:43:31What are these, blood diamonds we're talking about?
00:43:33Fair for everyone else who is fucking more than one person,
00:43:37a. k.a. you, in the movie.
00:43:39- I mean, fine... - All right. I mean, if you don't care...
00:43:42I don't fucking care if you fuck him. Fuck. I don't give a shit.
00:43:45Like you said, you know, you've fucked bigger idiots than Lester.
00:43:49Holy shit. Are we really gonna shoot this in outer space?
00:43:53Maybe not bigger idiots.
00:44:42Thank you.
00:45:09- Cut. All right, guys, that's it. - Yeah.
00:45:14Make sure you leave your costume so we know they're here for tomorrow.
00:45:18Mostly, everybody, thank you so much for helping us get ready, you know.
00:45:22Cleaning this place out, building the sets, sewing the costumes, it's just...
00:45:26I mean, it's really amazing. Thank you.
00:45:28Seriously, thanks.
00:45:29But this is just the beginning, guys. If Star Whores works, and it will'
00:45:34we are set up for sequels galore. The Empire Strikes Ass.
00:45:38- Return of the Brown-Eye. - The Phantom Man-Ass.
00:45:40And Revenge of the Shit: The All-Anal Final Chapter.
00:45:46- Okay. - Revenge of the Shit.
00:45:49- You got it? - Yeah, no, we got it.
00:45:52Ew.
00:45:53- Fuck you, motherfuckers. - We'll talk about that one.
00:45:56We're gonna have a lot of fun' but more importantly,
00:45:59we're gonna make a lot of fucking money, okay?
00:46:01- Yeah. - So get ready for greatness, people.
00:46:03Tomorrow we start principal photography.
00:46:05- Whoo! - Yeah.
00:46:07- All right, good night, you guys. - We got a movie.
00:46:14- What? - Nothing.
00:46:16I think someone should acknowledge how insane and amazing this is
00:46:20- and it's all because of you. - I don't know. It's just a porno.
00:46:23You know what I mean. You've really come into your own.
00:46:28Shut the fuck up.
00:46:31So speaking of coming into things' ready for tomorrow? Twenty years'
00:46:35we're finally gonna know what it's like to have sex with each other.
00:46:38You say that like you've been wondering
00:46:40what it'd be like to sleep with me for a while now.
00:46:42Why the fuck do you think I started hanging out with you?
00:46:45I knew it. Here, help.
00:46:52Let's just promise that it's not gonna change anything between us, okay?
00:46:57- Like what? - I don't know.
00:46:58Some guys can't keep sex in perspective.
00:47:00If anyone's gotta keep this in perspective, it's you, okay?
00:47:03I don't want you getting all mushy and gooey on me
00:47:06after I give you the best orgasm you've ever had.
00:47:09Oh, like you know what you're doing down there at all.
00:47:11I actually don't. Where's the clitoris? Is it in your ass?
00:47:14Just, you know, make sure you kind of whoop it up
00:47:17and act like I'm a stud who knows what he's doing, okay? Just be a pal.
00:47:22Oh, dude, I am gonna Meryl Streep the fuck out of this tomorrow, you watch.
00:47:28- Thanks. - You're welcome.
00:47:32No. Really, thank you.
00:47:36For everything.
00:47:40You're welcome.
00:47:48Less than 12 hours and we make Monroeville history.
00:47:50- I really hope nothing goes wrong. - It's a movie. What could go wrong?
00:48:04What are you doing?
00:48:08What's up? - What the fuck?
00:48:10What are you doing?
00:48:12- What are you doing? - Wait, wait.
00:48:14- Wait. - Stop. Stop.
00:48:17- No, no, no. - What the fuck is going on?
00:48:21Condos is what's going on, as soon as this shit-hole's demo'd.
00:48:24No, you gotta stop it right now.
00:48:26We rented this place for a month from Mr. Jenkins.
00:48:28Sounds like your Mr. Jenkins was full of shit.
00:48:30Luxury Homesteads bought this place a month ago.
00:48:33I'm gonna kill that lying old fuck.
00:48:35You're gonna have to go Florida, that's where he moved.
00:48:38We've got thousands of dollars of equipment in there.
00:48:40- Please. - If you wanna sift through this rubble
00:48:43when we're done, be my guest. Hey, get that fucking beam down.
00:49:04This is the last thing you wanna hear.
00:49:06If you don't get an advance,
00:49:08I don't think we're gonna keep a roof over our heads.
00:49:11I got an advance already. It went into all the costumes.
00:49:15- So all our money's gone? - All your money?
00:49:18Never mind what my wife's gonna do when there ain't no new snow tires,
00:49:21or when she sees I charged a video camera.
00:49:24I'm sorry I dragged you into this, man.
00:49:26I just wanted to see some free titties.
00:49:29That's all. But there's no such thing as free titties, is there, Zack?
00:49:36- Is there? - Fuck this noise.
00:49:38Why don't we get another camera, and shoot something else?
00:49:41Where are we gonna do that? Got another sound stage?
00:49:44Sound stage? We had a shit-covered garage we turned into a sound stage.
00:49:48We find someplace new and we do it again.
00:49:52How? Okay, I'm broke, man.
00:49:53No, make that, I was broke. Now I am really tapped out.
00:49:58I have to get another job to pay Delaney back.
00:50:01So please tell me, how can I afford to start over?
00:50:04- What can I get you? - Yeah, can I get a, uh...?
00:50:07Too fucking late. Cappuccino, 3.50.
00:50:10I don't know what the fuck I was thinking.
00:50:12I mean, I'm a total loser in every single other aspect of my life.
00:50:18What made me think I could do something
00:50:20as simple as filming people fucking?
00:50:22We have no money left, nowhere to shoot, no sets,
00:50:25we have no fucking cameras. Here.
00:50:29It's time I go back to my regular life
00:50:32where I am a quiet fuckup who doesn't cost anybody any money
00:50:36and knows his goddamn position behind this fucking counter
00:50:39making cappuccinos for this fucking guy.
00:50:47Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
00:50:55What are you doing?
00:50:59Oh, yeah.
00:51:01Yeah.
00:51:08Fuck, yes.
00:51:12Zack.
00:51:36You sneaky Indian motherfucker. I tell you, yes.
00:51:42Swallow My Cockuccino.
00:51:45- What? - That's it. That's the movie.
00:51:48Why didn't I think of it before? We don't need sets or a stage.
00:51:51Look at all this production value, waiting to have balls on it.
00:51:55Hold up. You wanna shoot a dirty movie here, where we work?
00:51:58Yes.
00:51:59Fuck, yes, I do. You know how many stories I have from working here?
00:52:03How many times I've been laid right there after hours?
00:52:07You've never gotten laid here after hours.
00:52:09I know. Thank you for reminding me.
00:52:11But I always wish I had, and that's what porno is. It's fantasy.
00:52:16It's taking the normal and making it abnormal by fucking it.
00:52:22Don't do that. The little dog don't like that.
00:52:24How did you get a camera?
00:52:26By being a terrible, untrustworthy employee, that's how.
00:52:30Give me today, I'll bang out a script. Meet me back here after closing.
00:52:35We're gonna launch arching ropes of jism all over this motherfucker. Peace.
00:52:42I like that guy but if he tries to fuck that little dog tonight for real,
00:52:46I'm calling the Humane Society.
00:52:51It's called Bean-N-Gone, so get the fuck out of here. Hey, Barry.
00:53:00Stand by, Stace, picture's up. - Okay.
00:53:04Roll tape.
00:53:08Swallow My Cockuccino, Scene 12, Take 1.
00:53:19And action.
00:53:29I'd like a double espresso so I can stay up all night
00:53:33because I'm in the mood to fuck.
00:53:36Well, I am a whore-ista, so I love to fuck. Would you like to fuck me?
00:53:41Holy fuck. You mean, after you're done with your shift?
00:53:45I mean during my shift.
00:53:49- Sorry. - Keep going, keep going.
00:53:51With your shaft.
00:54:04Let us fuck.
00:54:12Cue music.
00:54:19Okay, open up to camera, guys. Let us see it.
00:54:25More tongue.
00:54:29Little less tongue.
00:54:35Oh, that was good.
00:54:43Cue effects.
00:55:01Oh, yeah, like that.
00:55:04Oh, yeah.
00:55:07See, I told you it would work. Didn't I tell you? It looks amazing.
00:55:10It's incredible.
00:55:12Oh, the beans hurt. Easy.
00:55:15- Move in for coverage. - Nice.
00:55:19That's why we got him.
00:55:20- Nice. I'm impressed. - Get in there, Deacon.
00:55:23- Come on. - Like that? Like that.
00:55:27- Oh, yeah. - Oh, yeah. Look at that.
00:55:31- Pull out a bit, actually. - That's hot.
00:55:33No, not you, Lester. Put it back in.
00:55:35Kiss the muscle.
00:55:37- I kiss the muscle. - You kiss the muscle.
00:55:39- Can he slap her ass a little? - Don't be a fucking pervert, dude.
00:55:43- Stir, come on. Stir. - Yeah, stir it.
00:55:47Stir it, baby.
00:55:59Hey.
00:56:01- Holy. - Shit.
00:56:03Are you guys still open?
00:56:06No. We close at 9.
00:56:11I need coffee so I'm drive home.
00:56:14- Okay. Yeah. Thank you.
00:56:18That's a cute kitty.
00:56:21Okay.
00:56:30Hey.
00:56:31- Hey. - Hey.
00:56:33You guys see the game? I was at it.
00:56:37Fucking Roethlisberger, the quarterback, was all fucking'
00:56:42"Hug it, chug it, football. All night. " Heh-heh.
00:56:48Okay, pal, here you go. On the house.
00:56:51- I love you. - I love you too. Have a good one.
00:56:53- Yeah, I'll have a cold one. - I said, have a good one.
00:56:57Oh.
00:56:58- Okay. Keep moving. You and your little dog.
00:57:02Go Steelers.
00:57:10Action.
00:57:12Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, like that.
00:57:16Oh, fuck it, chuck it, football. Oh, yeah.
00:57:21Oh, God, this is good.
00:57:25You take it. You take it. Take it, Barry. Oh, take it.
00:57:32Take it, Barry. Take it.
00:57:36I'm disturbed at how turned on I am by this.
00:57:40- Shit, dude, it's almost 6. - Oh, fuck.
00:57:42Okay, that's a wrap, everybody, yeah.
00:57:44Let's give a hand to our hotties with the bodies from last night.
00:57:47Stacey, Lester, Bubbles, Barry, whoo.
00:57:50Yeah. Nice.
00:57:51Okay, when we come back tonight,
00:57:53we finish up the venti-vulva scene, and then we get into me and Miri's stuff.
00:57:57Again, amazing first night, everybody. Thank you so much.
00:58:04Let us fuck.
00:58:09- Hey, how'd it look? - How do you think it looked?
00:58:12It looked like shit going into other shit, in focus.
00:58:16What an artist. That was Kurosawa's motto. "Shit going into other shit. "
00:58:19Oh, man, I can't believe you gotta work now.
00:58:22It's okay. You know, honestly, I don't think I could sleep.
00:58:25- I'm pretty, like, pumped up right now. - Right? It was amazing.
00:58:28It was awesome. I think the cast and crew had a good time.
00:58:31- We were getting great shit. - Yeah, it was so fun.
00:58:33I just wanna keep shooting people boning all day.
00:58:36I don't think I've ever met the ambitious Zack Brown before.
00:58:40- Well, I'm trying to pay the bills, so... - It's not a bad thing.
00:58:44I think it looks good on you.
00:59:33Come on, hurry. Come on, come on, come on.
00:59:39Wait a minute.
00:59:40- You guys never did it before? It's fine.
00:59:43You know, we talked about it and it's just for the movie.
00:59:48We're friends, you know' we're just friends.
00:59:50And we will always just be just friends, so...
00:59:54Listen, I have some extra lube from last night.
00:59:58I understand it's kind of hard getting wet when everyone's watching.
01:00:01At least it was for Barry.
01:00:03- I don't know if I am gonna need it. - Really?
01:00:06Yeah, I think I'm just excited.
01:00:10Uh-huh.
01:00:12At the idea of people watching' not because of Zack.
01:00:15Oh, God. Zack could never have that effect on me in a million years.
01:00:18- Hello, Miriam. - Oh, hey.
01:00:21Wow.
01:00:22- Your face. - Yeah. Weird, huh?
01:00:24I don't think I've seen your face since senior year.
01:00:27I think I made a mistake.
01:00:28I did it for you so you wouldn't get road rash during our scene,
01:00:31but I should have asked first' I look like a fucking beluga whale.
01:00:35I think I'll be going now.
01:00:39Okay.
01:00:47All I keep thinking is we should've done a trial run
01:00:50at home last week or something.
01:00:51- Oh, my God. Right? - I know.
01:00:55- You're still cool to do it, though, right? - Yeah, um. Totally. Are you?
01:01:01Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, I'm, uh...
01:01:03- Honestly, I'm a little nervous, I guess. - You are?
01:01:06- It's kind of a big deal. - It is?
01:01:08Yeah, you know, it's our first time together
01:01:14since our auspicious debut on viral video.
01:01:19Oh, yeah.
01:01:20That's a fuckload of pressure for a director.
01:01:23As a director, please. What about the anxiety I'm feeling as an actress?
01:01:27- Did I pick the right project? - Yeah. What about this follow-up?
01:01:30Julia Roberts followed Pretty Waman with Sleeping With the Enemy.
01:01:33I'm following Granny Panties with Swallow My Cockuccino.
01:01:37Only difference is this movie's about cock-sucking
01:01:39and her movie just sucked cock, period.
01:01:41- The only difference, yeah. - The end was pretty rad.
01:01:45I liked that.
01:01:48- When she kills him. - With a gun.
01:01:51- Yeah. - Yeah.
01:01:52- She calls the cops first. - She calls it in first.
01:01:55- It was so awesome. - Awesome, yeah.
01:01:59So I guess we should do this.
01:02:01I think we should probably wait just until I lose another 20 or 30 pounds.
01:02:06Stop it. You look good.
01:02:09Thanks.
01:02:12So, what about me? How do I look?
01:02:17I mean, you look beautiful. You always look so beautiful,
01:02:21so I guess it's not a big deal, but you look amazing.
01:02:34- Okay. Let's go make a porno. - Okay.
01:02:39Swallow My Cockuccino, Scene 8, Take 1.
01:02:43- Come here. - I'm over...?
01:02:46All right, settle.
01:02:48Action.
01:02:51Who could it be?
01:03:01- Hi. - Hi.
01:03:02I'm a delivery man and I have some cream for you.
01:03:06Wow, that cream looks heavy. You must be strong.
01:03:10I work out.
01:03:11So do you want me to give you your cream now?
01:03:16I've been waiting for it all day.
01:03:21- Fuck. Come on. - Oops.
01:03:22Keep going.
01:03:23I spilled my cream. Do you mind?
01:03:28I don't mind. Especially if you spill it on my face.
01:03:34Let us fuck.
01:03:42- Fix my shirt. Think I should? - Okay.
01:03:44Let me see them titties.
01:03:48Actually, you know what? Sorry, I don't think we should show them.
01:03:51- What? - We shouldn't show your breasts.
01:03:54- Aren't you gonna take your shirt off? - I'm just gonna open it.
01:03:57You're not gonna take it off? Why not?
01:03:59My tits are bigger than yours. I don't wanna show that.
01:04:02She's not gonna show her tits? I showed my cock and my asshole.
01:04:05- Okay, I'll do your pants. - Back and forth. okay.
01:04:08- Holy shit. - Where's that delivery?
01:04:10I can't believe this. I was delivering cream, and look what's happening.
01:04:16- Jesus, what is that, a rumba? - What's a rumba?
01:04:20That awkward movement.
01:04:23- Should I take your underpants off? - Yeah, take them off.
01:04:29What the fuck? How does this work?
01:04:31They're just like... I'll do it.
01:04:33- I'll do mine, you just... You do yours. - I'll do my pants.
01:04:45Granny panties.
01:04:49Just get on with it already.
01:04:52I'm gonna fuck you with my pecker.
01:04:54Dude, that's really dirty.
01:04:56- That's too dirty? - That offends me.
01:04:58- Penis? - Fine.
01:05:00- I'm gonna fuck you with my penis. - I can't wait.
01:05:03For my penis.
01:05:05Be careful, Miri. Okay, there we go. Just keep rolling, keep rolling.
01:05:09- I'll walk forward. - Fucking cream is coming.
01:05:16This is the worst porno I've ever seen.
01:05:20Get over here, delivery man. Let's fuck on these beans.
01:05:28- You okay? - Yup.
01:05:29Okay, all right. - Just leave them. Just leave them.
01:05:32- They're really distracting. - You should leave them.
01:05:35- You gotta get your... There you go. Okay, okay.
01:05:37- Okay, okay. - Okay. This okay?
01:05:44Okay.
01:05:46Okay, uh.
01:05:47- We'll start kissing on three, okay? - Okay.
01:05:50One, two, three. Go.
01:06:18I'm ready.
01:06:20- I'm ready. - Okay.
01:06:33Deacon.
01:06:34- Deacon. Deacon. - What?
01:06:37Did you see Lost this week, man? I missed it. What happened?
01:06:40They're on the island, off the island. Who can follow that?
01:06:43I think they're in hell.
01:06:45Would you all shut the motherfuck up?
01:07:01I want you to come.
01:07:03- I want you to come with me. - Okay.
01:07:11Oh, God.
01:07:29Oh, God.
01:07:44Cut.
01:07:45That's it? It's over? Ain't he supposed to come on her titties?
01:07:55Well, it wasn't what we'd shot-listed' but that was nice.
01:07:58- It was so romantic. - Way to fuck, Zack.
01:08:00Thanks, Lester, uh.
01:08:03It wasn't just me, though, guys. Give it up for my radiant costar here, Miri.
01:08:08Nice. - Um, show's over in here.
01:08:10Let's move out' start lighting the next scene.
01:08:13- All right. - Let's do it.
01:08:15- You looked so beautiful. - Thanks.
01:08:17I thought they were gonna be fucking hard.
01:08:19- It was pretty. - Pretty don't sell.
01:08:21- Good job. - Thanks.
01:08:24You good, Mir? You need anything?
01:08:27I'm just gonna take a minute, okay?
01:08:29Okay, uh. I'll just be out there.
01:08:33Yeah.
01:08:36- That was fun. - Yeah, fun.
01:08:41ZACK "Fun. " You fucking douche.
01:09:10Wow.
01:09:26- Hey. - Hey.
01:09:28- You working on a rewrite? - Yeah, just for tonight's scene.
01:09:31- I'm ready to go when you are, though. - Okay.
01:09:35You know, before we go, I... I'm thinking that, uh, it's a good idea
01:09:43if we talk about what happened last night.
01:09:47- Oh. - I mean, we don't have to, but I think...
01:09:49Okay, yeah, uh.
01:09:51I kind of dropped the ball on that, I guess, huh?
01:09:53- No, no. It's... - To be honest, it was...
01:09:57You know, I didn't realize how weird it would be for me.
01:10:00Weird? Like... Weird how?
01:10:03Acting and directing at the same time. It's a lot to process, you know.
01:10:07For the first time, I thought my balls didn't have enough hair on them.
01:10:11That's not what I meant.
01:10:14I know what you meant.
01:10:16How you feeling about it?
01:10:19I guess, um...
01:10:22I feel like...
01:10:25Like we...
01:10:28- Holy fuck. - The power's on. Did you do this?
01:10:31How did this happen? I burned the bills.
01:10:33How could we have done that?
01:10:35- The water. - The water.
01:10:37Come on, come on, come on.
01:10:40Yeah!
01:10:41- We can shower in our home again. - We are liquid.
01:10:50Greetings.
01:10:51Have you heard the good news about our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ?
01:10:55Oh, my God, did you guys do this?
01:10:57We got tired of you taking showers at our places all the time.
01:11:00So we took up a collection amongst ourselves.
01:11:02And chipped away at your mountain of debt.
01:11:04You guys paid off our massive utilities bills?
01:11:06- How did you afford that? - I stole my old lady's bingo winnings.
01:11:09And Mistress Bubbles did a bachelor party tonight
01:11:12at which yours truly was a guest star, thank you very much.
01:11:15- Oh. - Whoa.
01:11:17Don't get too excited. We didn't pay off your whole bill. Just a month of each.
01:11:21They agreed to turn everything back on?
01:11:23At 9 at night? How does that work?
01:11:24Stacey knows somebody that works at Power and Light.
01:11:27- You guys... - This is amazing.
01:11:30You didn't have to do this.
01:11:31You didn't have to put us in your movie.
01:11:33- Or let us shoot it. - Or produce it.
01:11:35- Or put us in your movie either. - We said that already.
01:11:38Guys, honestly, I don't know what to say.
01:11:40You can start by saying we can take tonight off
01:11:43so we can have our wrap party right now.
01:11:45Guys, we're not wrapped. We still have four days of shooting left.
01:11:48Excuse me. In my "producorial" capacity,
01:11:51I'm shutting the movie down for a night so we can get a little silly.
01:12:38Go, go, go.
01:12:40- Yes. - Yes.
01:12:44You all drink.
01:12:45Was it just amazing with him, after all those years of not knowing?
01:12:49It was, um, weird.
01:12:53- But good. - My scene with Zack's tomorrow.
01:12:56You don't say.
01:12:57But I'm a little nervous. I was thinking about trying to get with him tonight.
01:13:02- Really? - I mean, if you don't mind.
01:13:05You are just friends and all' so I didn't think it would be a biggie.
01:13:08- It wouldn't be a biggie, would it? - No.
01:13:11No, no. It's not a biggie. What? No.
01:13:15Are you sure?
01:13:17Yeah. Stacey' I'm not married to the guy, so...
01:13:20I don't know. You guys just looked kind of intimate last night.
01:13:25- We did? - Yeah.
01:13:32Well, we're just better actors than I thought, I think, so you know what?
01:13:38If you wanna get with him' you should just go ask him.
01:13:42- He'd be really excited to hear that. - Yeah? For real, you don't mind?
01:13:45- Yeah. - Cool.
01:13:53All the quarters are on the ground.
01:13:56- Hey, Stace. - Hey, Zack.
01:14:04Come on, are you guys playing or what?
01:15:48Well, I'm bummed, but I totally get it.
01:15:51It's no problem to work with Lester again. He has a nice cock.
01:15:54Well, you're a trouper, Stace.
01:15:56Oh, but if I start making weird faces or anything during the scene'
01:15:59it's just because I've been constipated all day.
01:16:02Oh, shit, uh. We don't have to shoot the scene tonight.
01:16:05No, I want to. Anal's great for when you're constipated.
01:16:08It totally loosens you up.
01:16:11I use ex-lax, but good to know.
01:16:14Okay, I never thought I would have that conversation.
01:16:18So are we starting with Lester and Stacey tonight?
01:16:20We were supposed to start with Lester and Miri.
01:16:22I know. She... We're not gonna do that. I don't think Miri's gonna...
01:16:33...do that.
01:16:37Hey. So where are we shooting this? Over here?
01:16:42- What are you doing here? - Me and Lester.
01:16:46Our scene's tonight, right?
01:16:50Can I talk to you for a minute in the back?
01:16:53- Sure. - Thanks.
01:16:58What do you want me to shoot here?
01:17:00Start with the close-ups of Lester and Stacey. Give me a second, man.
01:17:04What an artist.
01:17:06Okay, uh. Did I do something wrong to you?
01:17:10No.
01:17:12Then why are you here?
01:17:13I'm here for the same reason you're here. To make the movie.
01:17:17Okay, just, like' for your own personal information,
01:17:21you're acting really weird right now.
01:17:23I'm acting weird? I think you're acting weird right now.
01:17:26Oh, I'm acting... How exactly am I acting weird?
01:17:28You've been trying to keep me from fucking anybody but you
01:17:31since we started this thing.
01:17:34Maybe I was thinking about your feelings.
01:17:37Were you thinking of my feelings when you were banging Stacey?
01:17:40Because that'd be really sad for Stacey.
01:17:42She told me that you told her that that was okay.
01:17:45I told her that it was okay to ask you.
01:17:52Holy shit. I get it. I fucking get it.
01:17:57It was a test. That whole thing was a fucking test, is that it?
01:18:01If it was, how do you think you did?
01:18:04We had a discussion, Miri.
01:18:05We had... Actually, we had many discussions about how it was just sex
01:18:12- and how we wouldn't let it get weird. - I'm not acting weird.
01:18:15You're acting like a jealous girlfriend is what the fuck you're acting like.
01:18:19- I am not your girlfriend. - I know that.
01:18:21You're not my boyfriend, so why are we having this conversation right now?
01:18:25Because you're about to fuck Lester to spite me, it seems like.
01:18:29Did you fuck Stacey to spite me? No.
01:18:31You fucked her like you fucked every other bitch
01:18:34and never gave a shit how I felt about it.
01:18:36- Well, that was before. - Before what?
01:18:39Look, don't fucking pretend that the other night, you and me, right there,
01:18:43that that didn't mean anything to you, that you didn't feel it too.
01:18:47Oh. You're not getting all gooey on me here, are you, Zack?
01:18:51You know what?
01:18:53If you were any other bitch I didn't give a rat's ass about,
01:18:56I would tell you to go fuck yourself right now
01:18:58because I fucking hate this game-playing shit.
01:19:02But you, you mean more to me than that'
01:19:04so I'm just gonna lay this out on front street.
01:19:07I know you felt something big, something real the other night
01:19:10when we were together because I felt it too.
01:19:13We tried to fuck and instead, we wound up making love.
01:19:18So if this is what you need to hear in order to keep you from fucking Lester,
01:19:22if this is what you need, then fine. Here it is, I'm gonna say it.
01:19:28I love you, Miri.
01:19:34Happy?
01:19:36Oh, Jesus.
01:19:37You better get a hold of yourself, Zack, because we just fucked.
01:19:42Okay.
01:19:50What if I didn't fuck Stacey?
01:19:54But you did.
01:19:55You know what? I don't fucking give a shit.
01:20:00Wait...
01:20:07All right, don't forget I'm down here. Watch that pullout, huh?
01:20:11Yeah.
01:20:12Mmm. This is some damn good coffee.
01:20:16- Where you going? - Getting the fuck out of here.
01:20:19We gotta finish this movie.
01:20:26Yo!
01:20:31You believe this shit?
01:20:34Do you believe this shit?
01:20:35What the fuck just happened in there?
01:20:37I'll tell you what just happened in there.
01:20:39That chick frosted me like I was a fucking cake.
01:21:00Zack.
01:21:19Okay, seriously' get a picture of me right now.
01:21:22I'm hunting humans.
01:21:24- Dude, check it out. Ooh. - Oh, shit.
01:21:27Seriously, let's shoot the shit out of this bitch.
01:21:29- Where you aiming at? - Cock shots?
01:21:32Cock shots.
01:21:48We shot you in the balls, cunt nugget.
01:21:51Well, it's my job to get shot in the balls, so... Oh, they're gone.
01:21:54Excuse me.
01:21:55Didn't you used to work at the Bean-N-Gone in Monroeville?
01:21:59I sure as shit hope this pays better, I tell you.
01:22:07So why don't they just shoot you with a puck?
01:22:10What do you mean?
01:22:11I mean, what does paintball got to do with hockey?
01:22:15Nothing, I guess.
01:22:17- So ain't no prizes or...? - No, no.
01:22:20So, what are they paying $5 for?
01:22:22To shoot a Broad Street Bully in the balls.
01:22:27White people are fucked up.
01:22:30Yup, they sure are.
01:22:31It's a living. You've been getting the checks I've been sending?
01:22:34Yes, thank you very much. I appreciate that.
01:22:37Probably didn't save you from a brutal tongue-lashing, though, huh?
01:22:41You know, the wife never found out about the camera,
01:22:45because I paid off the bills.
01:22:47How did you manage that?
01:22:49- Because now I'm Oprah rich. - No way.
01:22:53- The post office fucking settled? - Hundred-sixty large, son.
01:22:56- Nice, man. Congratulations. - A beautiful day, thank you very much.
01:23:00I thought you made that whole thing up.
01:23:02No, no. It was very real.
01:23:04You can believe it.
01:23:06Even though she's spending all of it.
01:23:13Well, since you ain't gonna ask me, I'll just go ahead and tell you.
01:23:17- No, I have not seen Miri. - I wasn't gonna ask that.
01:23:21Oh, I suppose you weren't gonna ask about your movie, neither?
01:23:24Look, that's why I came down here. I need you to come take a look at it.
01:23:27- I'm not interested. Sorry. - You'd better get interested
01:23:30- because you still owe me money. - What's wrong with the movie?
01:23:33The story doesn't make sense.
01:23:36- The story? - The story doesn't make sense.
01:23:39It's a fucking porno movie, man. What story?
01:23:42It's a movie, dog, and a movie's gotta have an ending,
01:23:45which we don't have at the moment.
01:23:47Come shot, credits. There's your fucking ending.
01:23:50Do me this favor, okay?
01:23:52When you're done getting your nuts blown off'
01:23:55come back to humble Monroeville to my crib for a couple hours'
01:24:00check out the flick, you tell me what's missing.
01:24:04No.
01:24:06I'll tell you what, you do that, you don't owe me shit no more.
01:24:09- Really? - Really.
01:24:11- Is your wife home? - Yes.
01:24:15- Maybe I should leave the pads on. - You got some extra ones?
01:24:31Hey, honey.
01:24:33Where the fuck you been? And who in the fuck is this now?
01:24:36Would you calm down, woman? Goddamn.
01:24:38You already left one white boy down in my basement
01:24:40while you off gallivanting and shit. What if this motherfucker
01:24:43- was all grabby on me? - Ain't nobody wanna grab on you.
01:24:47Oh, what in the fuck is that supposed to mean?
01:24:50- Ain't nobody wanna grab on you. - White boys love me.
01:24:53White boy.
01:24:56- I said, white boy. - Yeah?
01:24:58You'd fuck me, wouldn't you?
01:25:00- Should I say yes? - Just say yes.
01:25:02Yeah.
01:25:07- Why don't you, uh, head downstairs? - Oh, okay.
01:25:10It's just through this hallway.
01:25:12- Nice to meet you. - You too.
01:25:16What the fuck you looking at?
01:25:18Why you gotta be yelling at me in front of my director?
01:25:21- Oh, he's a director? - Yeah.
01:25:22I didn't know that. Shit, he's a director.
01:25:24Well, why don't he direct my ass to a new husband? How about that shit?
01:25:28- That's the bedroom. Keep talking, maybe he will.
01:25:31Oh, don't nobody want them saggy-ass balls!
01:25:33Saggy balls? Look at these sagging-ass titties you got around here.
01:25:36- You could tie these together. - Motherfucker, we match.
01:25:43Oh, shit.
01:25:45Where's my paintball gun at?
01:25:47Look at you, editor and DP. You got your shit covered, man.
01:25:50Please, don't ever say "shit-covered" to me again.
01:25:56Roll the film for the man, please, so we can see what he thinks.
01:26:00Just jump through it. I ain't got all night. The bitch is on me.
01:26:04"Nigga Rich Productions. " Classy.
01:26:07- Yeah, DreamWorks was taken. - Was it?
01:26:10Plus, it sounds like an underground gay fuck club.
01:26:13"I met a guy at DreamWorks. " Yeah.
01:26:15All right, so we got Lester and Stacey fucking.
01:26:19Then we got Barry and Bubbles fucking.
01:26:22And then this boring bullshit.
01:26:30Okay, just, uh, go to the next scene, would you?
01:26:34Uh...
01:26:36- What next scene? - The one with Miri and Lester?
01:26:39We never shot it.
01:26:41- Why not? - Because after you left that night,
01:26:44Miri came out of the backroom and said she couldn't do it.
01:26:47- We wrapped after that. - Wrapped? So...
01:26:53- Wait, so Miri... - Never fucked nobody.
01:26:56Just you.
01:26:58Now, I wonder why she did that.
01:27:02- Hm. - Hm.
01:27:06You see, there was a time when I was just a bitter old fuck making coffees,
01:27:10and Stacey was just a lap dancer
01:27:13and Barry and Bubbles didn't know each other
01:27:15and this fool here, hell, I don't even know what he was.
01:27:18- A white supremacist. - Man, fuck you.
01:27:21Then two people come along
01:27:23and showed us something we didn't know existed.
01:27:27A world of possibilities where plain old people just like us
01:27:32could do something special.
01:27:34Even if it's something as simple as filming people fucking.
01:27:49Sometimes we just need someone
01:27:52to show us something we can't see for ourselves
01:27:59and then we're changed forever.
01:28:13So as you can see' our movie ain't got no ending.
01:28:18Every movie needs an ending' don't it?
01:28:24Peace.
01:28:28Delaney, you're a slick cupid motherfucker.
01:28:32Ain't love grand?
01:28:34Why the fuck is this white boy running through my goddamn house?
01:28:39Sometimes.
01:28:53Miri.
01:28:56- Miri. - Zack?
01:28:59Miri. I'm sorry. Get out.
01:29:01- Close the door. - It was closed.
01:29:02- It was closed over... - Just close the fucking door, Zack.
01:29:06I never slept with Stacey that night, okay? I swear to God.
01:29:11When we got into my room, you know what we did?
01:29:13We talked about you, and us and how things were different
01:29:18and how I was too much of a fucking pussy
01:29:21to just tell you how I felt about you.
01:29:24And I know... I know that that's only because of all the stupid shit we said
01:29:29about how we wouldn't let sex change us, but it did. It changed me.
01:29:35That has to be love, right?
01:29:38It has to be love
01:29:40and just so you know, I can't go back to being just friends anymore,
01:29:46- because I just can't. - Good.
01:29:48And I think...
01:29:51I think that you feel the same way.
01:29:54Because that night after I left, you didn't fuck Lester.
01:30:02What's up, Zack?
01:30:14You know what?
01:30:15I don't care that you're fucking Lester, okay? How's that?
01:30:18- Oh, shit. - I don't wanna be with anyone but you.
01:30:21So I will wait forever for you, okay? I will wait the rest of my life
01:30:26because I love you, and I have for as long as I can remember.
01:30:30And I would rather die than be without you, Miriam Linky.
01:30:33Miri's last name is Linky?
01:30:36You're gonna fuck a guy who doesn't know your last name?
01:30:39Or that you beat up Carl Roth in the sixth grade? I know that.
01:30:42Or what your senior prom dress would've looked like had we gone
01:30:45but we decided not to, and we got drunk alone instead.
01:30:48Or that you washed your hair in the toilet.
01:30:50We're not fucking, Zack.
01:30:51Or that you're not fucking Zack... What?
01:30:53I asked her to fuck me. She wouldn't do it.
01:30:56I even tried to talk her into giving me the fucking Dutch rudder.
01:30:59Shot me down on that too.
01:31:02- And a Dutch rudder is? - Don't know what a Dutch rudder...?
01:31:05All right, you grab your dick,
01:31:07then you have someone else work your arm.
01:31:09Here, let me show you.
01:31:10All right, grab my arm. I'm grabbing my dick, you're grabbing my arm.
01:31:14Now work it. Work my arm. See that shit? Work it up and down.
01:31:17It's like someone else is jerking you off.
01:31:19Okay.
01:31:20There's the double Dutch rudder,
01:31:22which, I grab my dick, you grab your dick,
01:31:25you work my arm, I work your arm' same time.
01:31:27It's like jerking off together but not gay.
01:31:30We're not touching dicks, each other's dicks anyway.
01:31:33I'm touching my own dick. You're working it, and I'm loving it.
01:31:36It feels good, sir. Try me, come on.
01:31:39Sorry to change the subject on you, Lester,
01:31:41but if you're not fucking Miri, why is your dick out right now?
01:31:47Because I live here now, and I like to be naked.
01:31:51- What? - When you moved out,
01:31:53she couldn't afford to pay her rent by herself, so I moved in to help.
01:31:56But you just came out of her room.
01:31:58That's my room now. She moved in your old room.
01:32:01Wait, wait, wait. She changed rooms?
01:32:04Yeah, she said she did it because she missed the smell of you or some shit.
01:32:10I don't smell anything.
01:32:12But you know what? That probably means she loves you.
01:32:16- Night, Zack. - Night.
01:32:24Do you?
01:32:28Then why are you crying?
01:32:30Because I missed you so much.
01:32:33Me too.
01:32:36I love you.
01:32:42- I love you, I love you. I love you.
01:32:44I don't mean to alarm you
01:32:46but I think I just jerked off Lester a little bit.
01:32:49- The Dutch rudder? - Yeah, it's ingenious, right?
01:32:52If you ask me nicely, I will Dutch-rudder you the rest of our lives.
01:32:55Good. I'm getting tired of fucking the Fleshlight.
01:32:59- You fucked it? - Yeah.
01:33:00- What'd it feel like? - Like fucking a flashlight.
01:33:03- Wrong room. - Oh, God. That's gross.
01:33:09Let us fuck.
01:36:11Hello. Welcome to Nigga Rich Productions'
01:36:14home of Zack and Miri Make Your Porno,
01:36:17the production house for the couple
01:36:19looking to put a little spice in their sex life.
01:36:21- Shall we take a look around? - Fuck me so hard. Oh, God.
01:36:25First, you'll meet for a consultation with one of our romance-ologists,
01:36:29who'll coach you through that initial awkward stage
01:36:32before you're camera-ready.
01:36:34So we will start off with some erotic massage and some...
01:36:38Dude. Some light petting.
01:36:41That sounds good.
01:36:43Are you guys sure you don't wanna do some, uh, butt-sack work too?
01:36:47- Uh, let's move on, shall we? - Why?
01:36:49From their break-out hit, Swallow My Cockuccino,
01:36:52to the multi-million selling Swallow My Cockuccino II
01:36:55and the award-winning Star Whores saga,
01:36:57including Revenge of the Shit: The All-Anal Final Chapter,
01:37:00Zack and Miri have proven time and again
01:37:02that they know how to shoot hot sex.
01:37:06As an actor, I've sometimes brought my work home with me inappropriately.
01:37:12When you're telling your real-life lover in the bedroom'
01:37:17to, you know, bend over while you cake your hand in K-Y,
01:37:20it is a sign that the romance is dead, I think.
01:37:23Then we turned to the professionals at Zack and Miri Make Your Porno.
01:37:26Oh, my God, they totally saved our civil union.
01:37:29They filmed what was inside of us
01:37:32and not what was coming out of us necessarily.
01:37:35It helped me see his asshole
01:37:37as not just a come dumpster,
01:37:42but a sign of his beauty, his flower.
01:37:46It became a, uh, gorgeous orchid.
01:37:50Orchids grow in sort of the filthiest conditions.
01:37:54That's what his asshole became to me. This beautiful flower amidst shit.
01:38:01- Honey, they get the metaphor. - I don't think they do.
01:38:04Let's just say, thank you to Zack and Miri.
01:38:07It's helped us out, it's helped our friends.
01:38:09Enrique? Park?
01:38:12Park? Enrique?
01:38:15Can we get a little love for Zack and Miri?
01:38:19They don't even know what's going on, they're so pilled up.
01:38:24But don't take his word for it. Just ask our co-founders.
01:38:28- Hi. I'm Miri Linky Brown. - I'm Zack Linky Brown.
01:38:32Here at Zack and Miri Make Your Porno, we're dedicated
01:38:35- to committing your love... - Or lust.
01:38:37- to high-end, quality production digital video.
01:38:40A forever keepsake of your passion.
01:38:42That's right, Miri. Why set up a camera at the end of your bed
01:38:46and settle for one unflattering angle,
01:38:48when you could let the professionals dazzle and delight your senses
01:38:52with an array of shots so masterfully rendered
01:38:55you'll swear Martin Scorsese snuck into your room
01:38:57and caught you fucking?
01:38:59And remember' we're not just the presidents
01:39:02of Zack and Miri Make Your Porno.
01:39:04We're also clients.
01:39:08Call now to set up your appointment
01:39:10or find us on the web at www. ZackandMiri.com
01:41:26Way to fuck, Zack.

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