|00:00:34||You little motherfucker!|
|00:00:50||Get up, Zack.|
|00:01:13||Come on, I don't wanna be late
|00:01:24||- Ahh! Get out!
- Jesus, fuck!|
|00:01:25||Close the door
if you're gonna take a shit.|
|00:01:27||- It was closed.
- It was closed over, it was not closed.|
|00:01:30||- Close the door, Zack!
- Okay, okay.|
|00:01:52||- What's that thing?
- It's a hand warmer.|
|00:02:05||We're going now.|
|00:02:16||- You smell that? Is that the car? Fuck.
- Oh, goddamn it.|
|00:02:20||- What? What?
- Oh, it's wedged in my taint.|
|00:02:22||- What is?
- It got wedged in my taint.|
- It's stuck under my balls.|
|00:02:28||- It's between my balls and my leg.
- What's happening?|
|00:02:30||- Please, pull over. Pull the fuck over!
- All right, all right! Jesus, all right!|
|00:02:35||It's about to move up to my ass.
|00:02:37||The movement makes it hotter.|
|00:02:39||It's tucked under them.
It's stuck under them.|
|00:03:07||I think I burned my ball hair off.|
|00:03:13||It's not funny.|
|00:03:30||Can you help me pick out an outfit
|00:03:32||I'm working till 6.|
|00:03:37||- Well, I can try stuff on at the store.
- The store?|
|00:03:42||No, how about instead,
you get a friend?|
|00:03:44||But you are my friend.|
|00:03:46||I mean a girl friend, jeez.|
can you work for me tomorrow?|
|00:04:35||Then you must come in the next day,
I tell you.|
|00:04:39||- It's Black Friday.
- Black Friday?|
|00:04:41||It's the biggest mall-shopping day
of the year.|
|00:04:44||And since the mall is just up the street,
I would like you to come out and work.|
|00:04:49||- On Black Friday.
- Oh, yeah.|
|00:04:52||All right, you want me to work
on Moolie Monday too?|
|00:04:54||- I'm sorry?
- How about Nigga Tuesday?|
|00:04:57||- Nigga Tuesday? Is this a new holiday?
- You come to a brother and tell him|
|00:05:00||he gotta work on Black Friday. You
got any idea how racist that sounds?|
|00:05:05||Telling me to work.
What, you think you own me?|
|00:05:07||- I never said this, I tell you.
- But you thought it, didn't you?|
|00:05:11||"I'm gonna lay down the law
for this nigga, I put food on his table,|
|00:05:14||clothes on his nigga baby backs,
and he ain't gonna say shit. "|
|00:05:17||- This ain't Amistad.
- You shut up.|
|00:05:19||You goddamn right this ain't Amistad.
I can't wait till the post office|
|00:05:22||settles my disability suit because then
I'm gonna be out this motherfucker.|
|00:05:26||I'm gonna be Oprah rich.
Y'all can kiss my ass.|
|00:05:29||You know what? Fuck you.
Fuck you, and suck cock.|
|00:05:34||- To hell with you.
- To hell with you.|
|00:05:36||- Zachary will work. Zack, my boy.
|00:05:40||- The customer with the harelip...
- Oh, yeah.|
|00:05:43||- speak me, say you were playing
baseball here the other night.|
And, uh, no, that wasn't me.|
|00:05:52||Maybe the harelip
makes it sound like "baseball. "|
|00:05:54||Yeah, maybe you hear with an accent.|
|00:05:56||- Fuck you, okay?
|00:05:58||One day, I'm gonna put a camera
over there, and then I can tell...|
|00:06:02||I'll know everything you do
when I'm gone.|
|00:06:04||Everything. Scratch your balls,
take a shit, everything, I tell you, okay?|
|00:06:11||I hate both of you ebony and ivory
motherfuckers, I tell you.|
|00:06:17||- Why is he so fucking high-strung?
- "Fuck off, I tell you. Very good. "|
|00:06:23||Can you believe that Gandhi motherfucker,
telling me I gotta work on Black Friday?|
|00:06:26||Ain't that some shit?|
- Like I don't wanna do shopping.|
|00:06:30||Biggest sales day of the year. I'm
getting a flat-screen TV, believe that.|
|00:06:33||That's my fault, I should tell you. I
asked for Friday morning off, I'm sorry.|
|00:06:37||- For what?
- I actually need a lot of recovery time.|
|00:06:40||Tonight is me and Miri's
ten-year high school reunion.|
|00:06:43||I'm just gonna
get fucking alcohol poisoning.|
|00:06:46||- Reunion? Tomorrow's Thanksgiving.
- Isn't that fucked up that they do that?|
|00:06:50||They say it's the best chance
to get everyone together.|
|00:06:52||People come back in town
for the holidays.|
|00:06:54||But they could have it
in the middle of the summer|
|00:06:57||at a blowjob contest that I was judging'
and it would still be retarded.|
|00:07:01||- So why you going, then?
- Miri's making me go.|
|00:07:04||Why you always
bending over backwards for that girl'|
|00:07:07||- knowing she ain't giving up no ass?
- We got a good thing going.|
|00:07:10||She pays half the rent, does dishes,
she wakes me up in the morning.|
|00:07:14||Why complicate that with sex?|
|00:07:16||Besides, man, I've known her
since the first grade.|
|00:07:18||You don't fuck someone
you met in the first grade.|
I met my wife in kindergarten.|
|00:07:23||We got married senior year,|
|00:07:24||and she has been the queen
of my world ever since.|
|00:07:27||- What if you could do it all over again?
- I'd jerk off and live by myself.|
|00:07:31||That woman is the bane
of my existence.|
- Excuse me, can I get a coffee, black?|
|00:07:37||Can't you see we talking, white?|
|00:07:42||If you're gonna continue
to emasculate me|
|00:07:44||with this Barbie dress-up shit'|
|00:07:47||I'm using your laptop.|
|00:07:48||Don't forget to smack it
when you turn it on,|
|00:07:50||otherwise the screen
doesn't come on.|
|00:07:54||Why don't you spring
and get a new one?|
|00:07:56||Same reason I don't spring for clothes
for tonight, I'm broke.|
|00:07:59||There's a chick who works
at Teen Juice at the mall, you know.|
|00:08:02||I gave her a good deal on yarn,|
|00:08:04||- so she's letting me borrow this stuff.
- Yo, bro.|
- You're buying a vibrator online.|
|00:08:12||- What's wrong with the one you have?
It died last week.|
|00:08:15||Look at the size
of those fucking panties.|
|00:08:18||Shoot that shit. Shoot it.|
|00:08:20||My God, who even knew
Amazon sold shit like this?|
|00:08:22||This is incredible.|
|00:08:24||- Those are fucking granny panties.
|00:08:27||A, I don't appreciate you violating the
sanctity of my Amazon Wish List page'|
|00:08:31||and B, I'm not buying that thing
|00:08:33||because it turns out
I don't have a credit card they take.|
|00:08:42||- Oh, shit.
- I'm sorry, guys. Am I in the way?|
|00:08:46||You're a fucking faggot, all right?
Let's go to Starbucks.|
|00:08:49||- He's a shitty barista anyways.
|00:08:56||- And he throws like a bitch.
You know what else I throw?|
|00:08:59||My nut sack in your coffees,
so how did that taste, fucker?|
|00:09:02||We saw your girlfriend
in her underwear, cunt nugget.|
|00:09:05||Well, too bad she's not my girlfriend,
you little fuck... Oh, they're gone.|
|00:09:09||Are you still talking to me?|
|00:09:10||Uh, just said, I'm gonna
look up more fuck toys on Amazon.|
|00:09:16||Oh, holy shit.|
|00:09:18||- They sell the Fleshlight here too.
- What's that?|
|00:09:21||It's a fucking pocket pussy
that is shaped like a flashlight|
|00:09:24||"for discretionary jacking off. "|
|00:09:26||That way if you get caught,
no one thinks it's weird.|
|00:09:28||You're just a guy who likes to fuck
|00:09:31||I am totally buying this shit.|
|00:09:33||Whoa, if you've got money to burn,
how about paying the electric bill?|
|00:09:36||- That's due already?
- November's is probably due now,|
|00:09:39||but I was talking about September's.
Tell me this doesn't rock.|
|00:09:45||You kind of look
like Ronald McDonald.|
|00:09:47||That makes me want
|00:09:49||Why would you wanna buy a
pocket pussy anyway? That is so sad.|
|00:09:53||What? Excuse me,
I forgot about the nobility|
|00:09:55||that accompanies coming
with a fucking vibrator.|
|00:09:58||Think a kid in Darfur gets saved every
time a vibrator makes you come? No.|
|00:10:02||- "Real feel action"? Oh, my God.
|00:10:04||If you start fucking machines,
I'm moving out.|
|00:10:06||What do you think a vibrator is?
It's a machine.|
|00:10:09||How come you get
to fuck something with a motor in it?|
|00:10:11||I've never met a man who can
make me come like a vibrator does.|
|00:10:15||That's bullshit. You get to be Buck
Rogers having sex in the 25th century|
|00:10:18||with fucking Twiki and Dr. Theopolis.|
|00:10:20||I'm stuck to a bottle of Jergens
in the bathroom.|
|00:10:23||Holy bejesus. You do not use
my Jergens to jack it in our bathroom.|
|00:10:28||No, you know what I do
actually, is I light a bunch of candles|
|00:10:31||and I sprawl out on my sheets
and I listen to Sting.|
|00:10:35||No, I'm a guy. Give me
two Popsicle sticks and a rubber band,|
|00:10:38||I'll find a way to fuck it,
like a filthy MacGyver.|
|00:10:41||Oh, my God, I'm so glad I'm not a guy.
How about this?|
|00:10:46||I don't get why you're putting
so much effert into this thing.|
|00:10:49||I thought we were just gonna go to
sit around and make fun of everybody.|
|00:10:54||I can't wear anything that I already own
and expect to bring home Bobby Long.|
|00:10:58||Bobby fucking Long? No way.
Didn't that guy call you "Stinky Linky"?|
|00:11:04||Yeah, that was then, okay?|
|00:11:05||Maybe now he can save me a fortune
in Amazon bills.|
|00:11:08||Maybe you can fuck our landlord|
|00:11:11||so we can at least keep a roof
over our heads.|
|00:11:14||You don't have the rent?
Zack, it's your month.|
|00:11:17||Hey, I bought skates
with last week's paycheck|
|00:11:20||- and I need those to skate with.
|00:11:23||And this week's will barely cover
the past two water bills, so...|
|00:11:27||Is this sexy?|
|00:11:29||Yeah, in like a To Catch a Predator
kind of way, it is pretty fucking sexy.|
|00:11:34||Then we're done.|
|00:11:37||What the fuck? Zack.|
|00:11:40||- You want me to come in?
- What happened to the water?|
|00:11:47||- They shut it off.
- Oh, shit. Just, uh...|
|00:11:50||Help me get this shit out of my hair.
Just use the water out of the toilet.|
|00:11:57||- There's poo in there.
- Not that part.|
|00:11:59||- The back part of the toilet thing.
- Oh, that makes sense.|
|00:12:02||Take the cup there
and then scoop it in, there you go.|
|00:12:05||Here, I'll lean back and you can just'
you know, pour it down like... Like that.|
|00:12:09||You're harshing my buzz, you know.|
|00:12:11||This is so lame.
Don't look. Don't look.|
|00:12:28||All right, one hour tops,
then we're gone.|
|00:12:30||Or I had an idea.|
|00:12:31||We could just not go at all,
which would rock.|
|00:12:35||Even though we're broke
and we've never amounted to anything,|
|00:12:38||we're still better than these people,
|00:12:40||No. Not at all. We're probably
not even as good as most of them,|
|00:12:45||unless one of them is a crackhead
|00:12:47||Just tell me I'm prettier
than when we graduated.|
|00:12:51||You look about the same.|
|00:12:53||Definitely not prettier,
but around the same.|
|00:12:56||I'm thinner, though, right?
|00:13:01||Well, good pep talk. Fuck.|
|00:13:21||- You don't recognize us, do you?
- Um, no, sorry.|
|00:13:24||Zack Brown, Miri Linky.|
|00:13:26||Were you the one they called
|00:13:28||Oh, no, no one ever called me that.|
|00:13:32||- Great. What does yours say?
- What the fuck? Come on.|
|00:13:35||- I'm sure I had a nickname. Nothing?
- All right, you have a great time'|
|00:13:39||and before you go, don't forget
your copy of The Roving Roe-Ver.|
|00:13:43||What the fuck's this shit?|
|00:13:45||That is not shit, that would be
our bi-monthly newsletter.|
- It updates you|
|00:13:50||- on what everyone's doing.
|00:13:52||I love your enthusiasm. Here you go.
Write your e-mail address on that|
|00:13:57||and I'll be sure to add you
to our 800-member-strong mailing list.|
|00:14:01||We had 800 people
in our graduating class?|
|00:14:03||Yes, and only 250 R.S.V.P.'d.
Doesn't that suck, Mary?|
- You married, Bets?|
|00:14:10||- I am. Two kids.
- Wow, that's beautiful.|
- You wanna fuck me later?|
|00:14:15||- Uh, no, I'm married.
- Okay, cool. If you change your mind,|
|00:14:19||- I'll be in there getting shitfaced.
- He will.|
|00:14:21||- Just so you know, I eat the pussy.
- He does.|
|00:14:23||Ah, tempting. Again, no.|
|00:14:26||- Shall we?
- Sir. Bye, Bets.|
|00:14:30||Think about it.|
|00:15:21||Can I get two beers, please?
You want a beer?|
- Three beers.|
|00:15:27||- Thank you.
- Here you go.|
|00:15:29||Is that Zack? Or am I Zack?
Whoa, ho, ho.|
|00:15:37||- Never gets old, huh?
- The other Zack.|
|00:15:39||Oh, in my world,
nobody calls me "the other Zack,"|
|00:15:43||now that this guy's not around
|00:15:47||- Get the fuck off of me.
- There can be only one.|
- Highlander, man? The Kurgan.|
|00:15:56||Remember? I'd yell it at you whenever
we passed each other in the hallway?|
|00:16:00||Like it was yesterday, man.
|00:16:03||Awesome. God, you guys have
so much to catch up on. Whoo.|
- I'm gonna let you get to it.|
|00:16:15||Have you seen that big blowup picture
they have of me?|
|00:16:20||My hair is terrible. I can't believe
I even wore my hair like that.|
|00:16:24||That's before I knew
about styling products, you know.|
|00:16:27||It makes a big difference in life.
But you live and learn, though, right?|
|00:16:31||I mean, ten years ago, Pittsburgh,
who knew anything about fashion?|
|00:16:37||Back in the day, our hairstyle, oh...|
|00:16:46||- Whoa. Stinky Linky.
- Yeah. Although it's just Miri now.|
|00:16:51||- Give me a hug.
- Oh, okay.|
|00:16:53||- Hi, heh, heh, heh.
|00:16:58||- How have you been?
- Great, great.|
- You look fantastic.|
|00:17:02||Wow, that is not something that you
would have said to me ten years ago.|
|00:17:07||- Well, I've grown up.
- Yes. Yes, you have.|
|00:17:11||You just look...|
|00:17:14||Ooh, heh, heh.|
|00:17:17||- Well, listen to you. Thank you.
- No, don't thank me, just fuck me.|
|00:17:38||Someone I like, what are the odds'
|00:17:43||Zack Brown, we had four years
of Spanish together.|
|00:17:46||Why does no one recognize me?|
|00:17:47||- Am I thinner? Is that it?
- Look at him.|
- My stupid husband.|
|00:17:53||No fucking shit. John Butterfield?
You actually married John Butterfield?|
|00:17:58||- That's amazing.
- Don't ever get married.|
|00:18:00||It sucks. You stop appreciating each
other and run out of shit to talk about|
|00:18:04||after the first year.
But look at him now, chatty as fuck.|
|00:18:09||Flirting up a storm with that
cheerleader nimrod Monica Von.|
|00:18:13||You want me to maybe flirt with you
so he can see it, even it up a bit?|
|00:18:17||I don't wanna get even.|
|00:18:20||If I was gonna do anything,
I'd wanna one-up the asshole.|
|00:18:25||You can give me a handjob
in the girls' locker room.|
|00:18:32||- Fine, but make it fast.
- Fuck, yeah.|
|00:18:34||Are you staying in town
for a while or...?|
|00:18:37||Just tonight. I fly back
to L.A. tomorrow.|
|00:18:40||L.A., wow, Los Angeles. Gosh,
Bobby Long, coming up in the world.|
|00:18:46||- With Mrs. Long, I bet, huh?
- No, no, no. No Mrs. Long for me.|
|00:18:53||- Then can I be honest with you?
|00:19:00||Whew. I think I need a drink.|
|00:19:01||Do you need a drink?
Because I need a drink to say this.|
|00:19:04||- I've got a beer already, so...
- Oh, great, thank you.|
|00:19:08||I think there's a cigarette butt in there.|
|00:19:15||Sorry about the elbow.|
|00:19:21||There can be only one.|
|00:19:26||Can I get a beer, please?|
|00:19:30||Thank you very much.|
|00:19:34||Oh, Jesus Christ.|
|00:19:37||My friend's making an ass of herself
hitting on her high school crush.|
|00:19:40||Oh, God, that's so sad.|
|00:19:42||It's so Miri, is what it is.
I'm Zack, by the way.|
|00:19:48||Don't worry, we weren't
in the same class or anything.|
|00:19:51||- Okay. Lucky you.
- Are you a Monroe-ver?|
|00:19:55||Well, I went here'
let's just leave it at that, I guess.|
|00:19:59||Do you have one of the large
blown-up pictures of your younger self|
|00:20:02||- hanging around here?
- I do, kind of. Right there.|
- Good times.|
|00:20:10||What do you do?
What brings you here?|
|00:20:12||I came with somebody
who went to school here.|
- Bobby Long.|
|00:20:16||No shit. That's who my friend's hitting
on right now. See right there?|
- One dressed like Hannah Montana?|
|00:20:23||In L.A., we call that look
"Nickelodeon chic. "|
|00:20:26||- Wait, L.A.? Los Angeles?
|00:20:28||That's awesome, man.
What do you do out there?|
|00:20:31||- I'm an actor.
- Wow, that's really impressive.|
|00:20:35||- Thank you, thank you.
- In fucking movies?|
|00:20:37||"Fucking movies. " Pretty much.|
|00:20:40||Look at you. What...?
Anything I've seen? What movies?|
|00:20:43||Oh, all sorts of movies
with all-male casts.|
Like Glengarry Glen Ross? Like that?|
|00:20:49||Like Glen and Gary
Suck Ross' Meaty Cock|
|00:20:53||and Drop Their Hairy Nuts
in His Eager Mouth.|
|00:20:58||- Is that like a sequel?
- Sort of.|
|00:21:02||- It's a re-imagining.
- Oh, like The Wiz.|
|00:21:06||More erotic and with less women.|
|00:21:10||No women, to be exact.|
|00:21:14||I apologize in advance
if I am out of line here,|
|00:21:19||but are you in gay porn?|
|00:21:21||- Guilty as charged.
- Are you fucking with me?|
|00:21:24||- I thought you recognized me, that's...
- Oh, okay, I get it.|
|00:21:27||You're not in my demographic'
so I'm not insulted.|
|00:21:30||- Not really. Who's your demographic?
- Do you love pussy?|
|00:21:33||- I do.
- Then not you.|
|00:21:36||I came here tonight|
|00:21:39||hoping to seduce you
and bring you back to my apartment|
|00:21:42||and sleep with you to, uh,
get back at you,|
|00:21:45||you know, for calling me Stinky Linky
all those years ago.|
|00:21:51||That is a weird revenge plot.|
|00:21:53||- You must be a terrible lay for that.
- What? No, I'm great.|
|00:21:56||I mean, I've had enough practice
and everything. That...|
|00:21:59||Wow, that sounded not good.|
|00:22:03||I fuck a lot. That's what I meant to say.
That doesn't sound good either. Wow.|
|00:22:08||You're a lot funnier than I remember.|
|00:22:11||Thank you. Gosh,
you turned out to be such a nice guy.|
|00:22:18||It just... You know, it makes it even
easier to just... To just say this.|
|00:22:23||Would you like to come back to my
place and maybe open a bottle of wine|
|00:22:27||and have ourselves
a real high school reunion?|
- Hello, Miriam.|
|00:22:33||Beat it, we're talking.|
|00:22:34||- I wanted to introduce you to Brandon.
|00:22:38||- Bobby's boyfriend.
- Bobby who?|
|00:22:40||- Bobby me.
- Bobby Long.|
|00:22:44||Brandon is the star of such adult fare
as- What was that one called again?|
|00:22:50||You Better Shut Your Mouth
or I'm Gonna Fuck It.|
|00:22:53||That's right. I'm surprised I forgot that.|
|00:22:56||Are you fucking with me?|
|00:22:58||No, they're fucking with each other.|
|00:23:00||Oh, my God.|
|00:23:08||- Excuse me?
- How can you tell?|
|00:23:10||This is so crazy.|
|00:23:11||I was literally just watching you, like,
right before we got here.|
|00:23:15||This is so crazy. This is you, right?|
My name's Granny Panties,|
|00:23:19||and nobody wants to fuck me.|
|00:23:22||Nothing's whiter than my big gay ass...|
|00:23:24||Where'd you get that?|
|00:23:25||Oh, I entered "gay" and "ass,"
and it was the top hit.|
|00:23:28||It's had 200,000 views in three hours.
Honey, you are, like...|
|00:23:33||I'm jealous right now
because you're, like, super famous.|
|00:23:36||Baby, please take our picture.
I get a picture with Granny Panties.|
|00:23:40||- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- This is awesome.|
|00:23:42||- All right, smile. Okay, got it.
- Did you get it?|
|00:23:45||- Oh, thank you very much.
- E-mail me that.|
|00:23:47||Oh, because he's the worst
photographer. Okay, good.|
|00:23:50||- You're gay?
|00:23:53||And I'm on the Internet
wearing a diaper?|
|00:23:56||Who knew you'd come to Pittsburgh
and meet a celebrity?|
|00:24:00||I'm gonna binge-drink now
until I pass out.|
|00:24:02||Okay. She'll be fine. So you guys
suck each other's cocks, huh?|
|00:24:07||Oh, like crazy.|
|00:24:10||Okay, that's enough, I think.|
|00:24:12||I'm embarrassing him.
I love when he's embarrassed.|
|00:24:14||He's not living out loud,
so he gets all like, ooh.|
|00:24:17||- You are totally in love, aren't you?
- Zachary, we are.|
|00:24:22||Oh, God, I just wanna eat him up,
|00:24:24||Save some for me, yum, yum, yum.|
|00:24:25||- I can't keep my hands off him.
- You've had one too many.|
|00:24:28||Although he does most of the eating in
the sack. In the sack and of the sack.|
|00:24:32||All right, that's enough.
Look, you've drunk too much.|
|00:24:35||You do this every time. You get too
Mary for everybody in the room|
|00:24:38||- and you can't contain yourself.
- Oh, I'm sorry.|
|00:24:41||And by containing myself, do you
mean containing myself in a closet?|
|00:24:46||In a closet of denial? Is that...?
No, no, no.|
|00:24:48||Holy shit, this just got real.|
|00:24:50||This is exactly why
you haven't met my mother.|
|00:24:53||You don't know how to ease people
into this situation.|
|00:24:55||- You just force your way in every time.
- I thought, maybe for one second|
|00:24:59||in this godforsaken town,
I could be myself. I'm so sorry.|
|00:25:03||No, you're right, I should just butch up|
|00:25:05||and pretend that I don't love it when
you shove your dick in my mouth.|
|00:25:11||- This is the best night of my life.
Am I making a spectacle?|
|00:25:14||- I could make a much bigger scene.
- You really are.|
|00:25:16||I'm sorry. Pittsburgh.
Listen up, Monroe-vers.|
|00:25:20||My name is Brandon St. Randy'
and I love Bobby Long.|
|00:25:25||- Fucking A.
- Is that enough?|
|00:25:26||Is that enough of a scene?
I could start doing worse than that.|
|00:25:29||The reason you haven't taken me
to your mother's...|
|00:25:32||Your mother with her makeup and
all her drinking, she's in the closet too.|
|00:25:36||- They fight just like real people.
- I thought I'd be a conduit for you-|
|00:25:41||- Are you being sarcastic?
- No, I'm not.|
|00:25:44||- Thank you.
- I love you.|
|00:25:48||- I'll e-mail you.
- Zack, it was so nice to meet you.|
|00:25:50||And I will be patient with you.
I will be there on your journey.|
|00:25:54||I will be your Sherpa
up the mountain of gayness.|
|00:26:24||Well, might as well see how many hits
Granny Panties is up to, huh?|
|00:26:33||Did I do that?|
|00:26:46||What kind of evil fucks
turn off your power the day...?|
|00:26:50||No, the night before Thanksgiving?
Who does that?|
|00:26:55||Can you get an advance on your card?|
|00:26:57||Fleshlight maxed-out my $200 limit.
Not a wise purchase, I'll give you that.|
|00:27:02||This is bad. If we don't come up
with rent, we're gonna get locked out.|
|00:27:06||Who the fuck wants to live there?
There's no water or power.|
|00:27:09||Which means by the time
we get home, there's no heat either.|
|00:27:13||Well, I think it's time we put what
we always talked about into effect.|
|00:27:18||- You're gonna have to start hooking.
- You know, you jest,|
|00:27:21||but these are the exact circumstances
people find themselves in|
they start having sex for money.|
- Or making porn.|
|00:27:43||Oh, my God, yeah.
- What? You got an idea?|
|00:27:46||We could make a porno.|
|00:27:48||- Not the idea I was looking for.
|00:27:50||No, that is a fucking awesome idea.
Are you shitting me? That's a rad idea.|
|00:27:54||That guy, Brandon St. Randy, who's
Bobby Long's awesome nice boyfriend,|
|00:27:58||he said he makes
a hundred grand a year|
|00:28:00||because he shoots and distributes
his own porno flicks.|
|00:28:03||If it's so easy,
how come everybody doesn't do it?|
|00:28:06||Because other people have options
and dignity, which we do not have,|
|00:28:09||which puts us in an amazingly
|00:28:13||Fuck you, I have dignity.|
|00:28:14||Where? Is it hidden
in your gigantic underpants|
|00:28:17||that are plastered all over the Internet?
Is that where you hide your dignity?|
|00:28:20||Every woman has a pair of those
period panties. That's, like, a fact.|
|00:28:26||I bet people don't make porno,
because they have families.|
|00:28:29||But luckily, your parents are dead.
Sorry. My grandparents are dead.|
- Thank you.|
|00:28:36||So who are we gonna disappoint?
Porn has gone mainstream now.|
|00:28:39||It's like Coca-Cola or Pepsi with dicks
in it. Look at Paris Hilton.|
|00:28:44||She throat-fucks a guy in night vision,|
|00:28:46||now she's selling fragrances
|00:28:49||And I'm pretty sure
she's legally retarded.|
|00:28:51||That's for tweens?|
|00:28:52||Have you seen that Joe Francis guy
who made Girls Gone Wild?|
|00:28:55||That guy is the biggest fucking idiot
piece of shit in the world|
|00:28:58||and he has a jet and a fucking island.|
|00:29:00||Look, there's got to be a less extreme
solution to our financial woes here.|
|00:29:06||- Give me a better option.
- Get a paper route.|
|00:29:08||- I don't have a bike.
- Be a waiter.|
|00:29:10||No one wants me around their food.
Would you eat food that I gave you?|
|00:29:14||I would not eat food that you gave me,
|00:29:17||I mean, nobody
wants to see us fuck, Zack.|
|00:29:19||Everybody wants to see
anybody fuck. I hate Rosie O'Donnell,|
|00:29:23||but if someone said, "I got a tape of
Rosie O'Donnell getting fucked stupid,"|
|00:29:27||I'd be like, "Why aren't we
watching that right now?"|
|00:29:30||Because she's famous. Hello.|
|00:29:31||So are you.
You're fucking Granny Panties.|
|00:29:33||My underwear and your ass
are famous, we're not.|
|00:29:37||So who the F
would wanna watch us fuck?|
|00:29:40||- At least 800 people.
- The jerks we went to school with?|
|00:29:42||- Are you serious?
- Of course.|
|00:29:44||If you heard
that someone we graduated with|
|00:29:46||was in a fucking porno movie,
you'd watch it, right?|
|00:29:49||I'd watch that guy Brandon
suck a cock, I just met him.|
|00:29:52||With this mailing list,
we have almost a thousand people|
|00:29:54||that would definitely buy a porno
we were in just to be like,|
|00:29:57||"Hey, I sat next to that guy in Civics.
Look at his fucking dick. "|
|00:30:01||We sell a thousand copies at 20 bucks
a pop, bam, we have paid off our bills.|
|00:30:06||So, what do you think?
- I don't think I wanna fuck a stranger.|
like you've never done that before.|
|00:30:13||How many guys have you met in a bar,
|00:30:17||banged with your mouth
and then never talked to again?|
|00:30:21||That's what we call a stranger.|
|00:30:22||Dude, I don't one-night mouth-fuck
anybody that I pick up in bars.|
|00:30:27||You don't wanna fuck a stranger in the
porno movie for some weird reason.|
|00:30:36||We could fuck.|
- Fuck you.|
|00:30:40||I mean, you're a nice-enough-looking
guy and everything...|
|00:30:44||Holy fuck, thank you.
You're an all-right-enough-looking girl.|
|00:30:47||- How does that feel?
- Dude, I'm just saying|
|00:30:49||it'd be weird and wrong, you know,
like fucking my brother.|
we're just talking about sex, okay?|
|00:30:55||It's for a purpose. It's for getting rich.
Only my dick and your pussy|
|00:30:59||would be doing something weird.
Our bodies and brains would be acting.|
- Just explain to your private beforehand,|
|00:31:07||"Look, this doesn't mean anything.
We're just doing this for cash. "|
|00:31:11||- Oh, my God.
|00:31:13||You're just doing this because you've
always wanted to fuck me, aren't you?|
|00:31:18||Yes. I've gone my whole life pretending
that I want nothing to do with you,|
|00:31:23||just hoping one day
we'd be in such dire financial straits|
|00:31:27||that I could use it
to finally make my move on you.|
|00:31:34||You're just being sarcastic.
- I am.|
|00:31:36||See, I was pretending to cry
|00:31:40||I guess it's not like it'd be creepy,|
|00:31:43||like if we got way too drunk one night
and accidentally fucked, you know?|
|00:31:47||No. We'd be going in
with the understanding that it's...|
|00:31:52||A business decision.|
|00:31:53||Strictly a business decision.
It's a means to an end.|
- And by end,|
|00:31:58||I mean, I'll be waxing your ass.|
I'm not even letting you see my ass.|
|00:32:03||I've seen your ass and the rest of you
naked around a billion times already.|
|00:32:07||- That goes both ways, buddy.
- You've never seen my dick.|
|00:32:10||Have you seen my dick?
You've never seen my dick.|
|00:32:13||Are you kidding? That party we went to
where you got blasted,|
|00:32:16||and Houls dared you
to give yourself head,|
|00:32:18||and we all watched you try for,
like, an hour.|
|00:32:20||Oh, yeah. Thanks by the way, for
fucking letting me do that. Thank you.|
|00:32:25||Oh, God. We really do know too much
about each other.|
|00:32:28||See, and this would really
just be one more thing.|
|00:32:32||I mean, look at us. It's Thanksgiving
and we're huddled around a flaming|
|00:32:36||fucking garbage can
like a couple of steno bums.|
|00:32:38||I mean, this could give us a chance
to pay off our debt, pay our bills,|
|00:32:43||get a fucking nicer apartment
with heat in it maybe.|
|00:32:49||What are you doing?|
|00:32:53||Miriam Linky, will you have sex
with me on camera for money?|
|00:33:09||- Guy who gets to finance the movie.
- You think I got that kind of money?|
|00:33:13||We just need that. What you're about
to spend on the flat screen.|
|00:33:16||Now I can't get my flat screen?
|00:33:19||No, no, no. With your cut of the profits,
you're gonna get two flat screens.|
|00:33:23||One in your living room,
one in your bathroom.|
|00:33:25||One in the bathroom?|
|00:33:27||You know, it's always been my dream
to watch shit while I shit.|
|00:33:31||Everyone with an ass
loves to watch shit while they shit.|
|00:33:33||- I'm gonna make that happen for you.
- I don't know, man.|
|00:33:37||What else the producer do?|
|00:33:38||- Um, they help with the casting.
- What's casting?|
|00:33:42||Finding the people to be in the movie.|
|00:33:44||- I get to help pick the women?
|00:33:46||Like, I can look at a titty, make sure
there ain't no moles on there?|
|00:33:50||- You can look at both titties, man.
|00:33:53||I've been looking at the same busted
titties for the past almost 20 years.|
|00:33:57||- I'm due for another new titty.
- Please help us. Please.|
|00:34:06||Yes. Yes. I love you.|
|00:34:11||Well, don't mind that smell.|
|00:34:13||We had some homeless people
squatting in here.|
|00:34:16||You know, they'd void their bowels
everywhere but the bathroom.|
|00:34:19||Anyway, you pick up the poop
and you've got yourself a movie studio.|
|00:34:24||Why don't we shoot
in your apartment?|
You wanna pay our electric bill?|
|00:34:29||- You motherfuckers...
- We'll take it.|
|00:34:34||Bring it back.
- Fuck, fuck, fuck.|
|00:34:38||Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus.|
|00:34:41||Oh, God. Come on.|
|00:34:45||Why the fuck do I have to
do everything? Fuckers.|
|00:34:52||Hey, what is that?|
|00:34:55||Fucking guys. This fucking
team, man. They fucking suck.|
|00:35:01||I'm gonna hatefuck
the shit out of you, ref.|
- It's cool.|
|00:35:06||- He's my cousin.
|00:35:09||Didn't you used to videotape the varsity
basketball games in high school?|
|00:35:13||Just the away games. I did it because
I was trying to fuck a cheerleader.|
|00:35:18||Whichever one wanted to fuck the guy
who taped the varsity games.|
- Still know how to work a camera?|
|00:35:25||- Who cares what the title is?
- The porn I liked when I was a kid,|
|00:35:28||it was always, like,
a spoof of a popular movie, you know?|
|00:35:31||Like, um, Edward Penishands.|
|00:35:34||Okay, so we need a mildly clever,
vaguely dirty title,|
|00:35:38||that sounds like a real movie|
|00:35:40||- and sums up what you're gonna see.
|00:35:43||An American Werewolf in Brenda?|
|00:35:48||- Too soon? A Cock-in-Lips Now?
|00:35:51||Cradle the balls. Work the shaft.|
|00:35:53||Jerk my come-crayon
and let me color you white.|
|00:35:57||I need cock and I need it now.|
|00:35:59||I'm fucking you in the puss.|
|00:36:01||I'm fucking you in the puss.|
|00:36:03||It's "puss" as in pussy.|
|00:36:06||Oh, because I was like'
who would wanna fuck puss?|
|00:36:10||I want to slam my ham in your can,
|00:36:16||- This guy is amazing.
- This guy's great-looking too.|
|00:36:20||I wanna fuck him.|
|00:36:22||Hi, my name's Delaney
and I'm a producer.|
|00:36:26||I really don't know what it means. I'm
gonna be honest, this is my first time.|
|00:36:29||You don't have to worry, I'm not gonna
touch you or nothing like that.|
|00:36:33||- All right.
- I have a wife, you know.|
|00:36:37||We're happy. I mean, not happy'
but it's cool, you know.|
|00:36:42||Just so you know,
there will be some fucking.|
|00:36:46||- We'll talk about that if you get the part.
|00:36:50||I mean, not- We won't be fucking,
there'll be fucking in the movie.|
|00:36:53||Like I said, I got a wife.
She don't play that shit.|
|00:36:56||- She is a crazy bitch.
|00:36:59||It's my job as the producer
to see what you got.|
|00:37:04||So if that makes you uncomfortable
in any way,|
|00:37:07||you don't have to show me anything
you don't wanna show me, because...|
|00:37:14||I love the movies.|
|00:37:16||- Lawrence of a Labia.
|00:37:18||- Oh, come on.
- Dawn of the Dick.|
|00:37:21||Yeah, but how are zombies doing it
at all sexy?|
|00:37:24||I want to eat your brain|
|00:37:27||and your ass.|
|00:37:32||Yeah. Close Encounters
With a Turd From Behind.|
|00:37:36||- I don't know what that means.
- Just asses.|
|00:37:39||Fucking deep in asses.|
|00:37:46||We're making a porno
and we just need to know|
|00:37:48||what you would be or would not be
interested in doing.|
|00:37:54||- No anal.
- Oh, definitely no anal.|
|00:37:56||Anal and hugging.|
|00:37:58||I don't do ass stuff.|
- Ah, fuck.|
|00:38:02||- Oh, wait, oral. I like anal.
so, uh, do you have any special skills?|
|00:38:12||I can get a boner really quick
and it sticks straight up.|
|00:38:15||- Is that really a special skill?
- I think.|
|00:38:17||- Can you show us what you mean?
|00:38:28||Oh, that is special.|
|00:38:31||Yeah, you're hired, Mr....|
|00:38:33||- Who are you again?
|00:38:35||Lester "The Molester" Cockinshtuff.|
|00:38:38||That is the best porn name
I've ever heard, man.|
|00:38:42||I can have a porn name?|
|00:38:44||- Then I'll be Pete Jones.
|00:38:48||Are you Granny Panties?|
|00:38:50||- She is.
- Get the fuck out of here.|
are actually in the house.|
|00:38:53||- I'll get them.
|00:38:55||- Star Sex 2: The Wrath of Cunt.
- We never made a Star Sex 1.|
|00:38:58||I guess we can lose Star Sex 3:
The Search for Cock, then.|
- What's that?|
|00:39:03||It's Cocoon with a cunt.|
|00:39:07||So Delaney tells us
you have a special talent of some sort.|
|00:39:11||I don't know if I'd call it a special talent,|
|00:39:14||but it's a little something I picked up
doing bachelor parties.|
|00:39:17||It would probably be easier
if I just showed you.|
- The floor is yours.|
|00:39:38||So a movie, huh? That could be fun.|
|00:39:58||Her name's Bubbles.|
|00:40:01||- Invasion of the Potty-Snatchers?
- That's like MAD Magazine stupid.|
|00:40:05||Well, fuck you, okay? You try to think
of a good sci-fi porno title. It's hard.|
|00:40:09||There's gotta be one we haven't
thought of that would say it all'|
|00:40:12||not be ridiculously filthy
|00:40:14||and still have instant recognition
with our audience.|
|00:40:19||- I got it.
- I got it.|
|00:40:21||- Star Whores.
- Yeah. It's funny, right?|
|00:40:24||See, we figured this opens us up
to an even bigger sales market|
|00:40:27||beyond the people we went
to school with.|
|00:40:29||People who like comics and sci-fi.|
|00:40:31||Comics? Like "Ziggy"?|
|00:40:33||"Ziggy"? Is that even in fucking papers
anymore? No, man.|
|00:40:36||Fuck you. "Ziggy" is a comic'
right next to "Family Circus. "|
|00:40:39||No, like Spider-Man and shit,
|00:40:42||There's always a shitload of Star Wars
nerds at those comic-book shows.|
|00:40:46||So we sell them a Princess Leia
they can really fucking jerk off to.|
|00:40:49||- That'd be me, Princess Lay-Her.
- Who am I playing?|
|00:40:54||You, my friend,
are the lead role of Lubed Guy-Baller.|
|00:40:57||Man, he's gonna be balling dudes?|
|00:40:59||I thought you said
this was boys on girls.|
|00:41:01||If I have to fuck a guy, okay,
but I'd rather fuck a girl.|
|00:41:04||What's wrong with you, boy?|
|00:41:06||- We'll change the name to Sky-Baller.
|00:41:10||I will be Hung So-low.|
|00:41:12||Delaney, my friend,
you are On-Ur-Knees Bend-Over.|
|00:41:16||Man, I can't be in no porno.
My wife will kill me.|
|00:41:18||Hump me, On-Ur-Knees Bend-Over.
You're my only hump.|
|00:41:22||On the other hand, fuck my wife.|
|00:41:24||Unfortunately, On-Ur-Knees Bend-Over
does not have any sex in the movie|
|00:41:27||but the droids do,
I-CUP and R2-T-Bag.|
|00:41:35||And Stacey over here
is gonna play Darth Vibrator.|
|00:41:40||- I'm the bad guy?
- She's not a guy, Zack.|
|00:41:42||I know that
because I'm not a fucking idiot.|
|00:41:45||In our movie,
Darth Vibrator is a bad girl|
|00:41:48||who wants to fuck the galaxy,|
|00:41:50||literally, and it's up to Lubed and Hung
to stop her with their cocks.|
|00:41:55||- You and me get to have sex, then?
- I know. Isn't that awesome?|
|00:42:00||Hold up, hold up. So who's all having
sex with who in this movie?|
|00:42:03||As of last night,
I was having sex with Zack.|
|00:42:06||What? Han Solo ain't never had no sex
with Princess Leia in the Star Wars.|
|00:42:11||Guys, this isn't
a literal adaptation here.|
|00:42:13||It's more of an erotic re-imagining.|
|00:42:17||Kind of like The Wiz or like a parody.
With lots of anal.|
- I know, isn't that awesome?|
|00:42:24||I have a question, do Princess Lay-Her
and Lubed Sky-Baller have sex?|
|00:42:29||Uh, no, because
they're brother and sister,|
|00:42:32||and according to Miri'
brothers and sisters can't fuck.|
|00:42:35||But you said,
that this wasn't a literal translation,|
|00:42:38||so that means Lester's character
could have sex with Miri's character.|
|00:42:42||Because I would love to fucking eat
her ass and fuck her silly in the movie.|
|00:42:46||Dream on, pal,
it's never gonna happen, okay?|
|00:42:49||- No, I'm fine with it.
- See, she's fine... Wait, what?|
|00:42:52||Yep. I mean, everyone else is having
sex with more than one person|
|00:42:55||in this movie all of a sudden,|
|00:42:57||so I think it's, you know,
not fair if I'm only fucking you.|
|00:43:03||Guys, read amongst yourselves, okay?
Can I talk to you for a sec?|
|00:43:08||we got plenty of sex going on in this
thing, you don't have to do that.|
|00:43:12||Zack, it's fine. I mean I have slept with
way worse-looking guys than Lester.|
|00:43:16||I just wanna do my part for the movie
like everyone else.|
|00:43:19||You're having sex in the movie,
you don't need to fuck someone else.|
|00:43:22||- You're good.
- I'm only fucking you, though.|
|00:43:24||So don't we need to vary it up
to keep it fair?|
|00:43:28||Fair for...? I don't... What?
Fair for who?|
|00:43:31||What are these,
blood diamonds we're talking about?|
|00:43:33||Fair for everyone else
who is fucking more than one person,|
|00:43:37||a. k.a. you, in the movie.|
|00:43:39||- I mean, fine...
- All right. I mean, if you don't care...|
|00:43:42||I don't fucking care if you fuck him.
Fuck. I don't give a shit.|
|00:43:45||Like you said, you know,
you've fucked bigger idiots than Lester.|
|00:43:49||Holy shit. Are we really gonna
shoot this in outer space?|
|00:43:53||Maybe not bigger idiots.|
|00:45:09||- Cut. All right, guys, that's it.
|00:45:14||Make sure you leave your costume
so we know they're here for tomorrow.|
|00:45:18||Mostly, everybody, thank you so much
for helping us get ready, you know.|
|00:45:22||Cleaning this place out, building the
sets, sewing the costumes, it's just...|
|00:45:26||I mean, it's really amazing. Thank you.|
|00:45:29||But this is just the beginning, guys.
If Star Whores works, and it will'|
|00:45:34||we are set up for sequels galore.
The Empire Strikes Ass.|
|00:45:38||- Return of the Brown-Eye.
- The Phantom Man-Ass.|
|00:45:40||And Revenge of the Shit:
The All-Anal Final Chapter.|
- Revenge of the Shit.|
|00:45:49||- You got it?
- Yeah, no, we got it.|
|00:45:53||- Fuck you, motherfuckers.
- We'll talk about that one.|
|00:45:56||We're gonna have a lot of fun'
but more importantly,|
|00:45:59||we're gonna make
a lot of fucking money, okay?|
- So get ready for greatness, people.|
|00:46:03||Tomorrow we start
|00:46:07||- All right, good night, you guys.
- We got a movie.|
|00:46:16||I think someone should acknowledge
how insane and amazing this is|
|00:46:20||- and it's all because of you.
- I don't know. It's just a porno.|
|00:46:23||You know what I mean.
You've really come into your own.|
|00:46:28||Shut the fuck up.|
|00:46:31||So speaking of coming into things'
ready for tomorrow? Twenty years'|
|00:46:35||we're finally gonna know what it's like
to have sex with each other.|
|00:46:38||You say that like
you've been wondering|
|00:46:40||what it'd be like to sleep with me
for a while now.|
|00:46:42||Why the fuck do you think
I started hanging out with you?|
|00:46:45||I knew it. Here, help.|
|00:46:52||Let's just promise that it's not gonna
change anything between us, okay?|
|00:46:57||- Like what?
- I don't know.|
can't keep sex in perspective.|
|00:47:00||If anyone's gotta keep this
in perspective, it's you, okay?|
|00:47:03||I don't want you getting all mushy
and gooey on me|
|00:47:06||after I give you the best orgasm
you've ever had.|
|00:47:09||Oh, like you know what you're doing
down there at all.|
|00:47:11||I actually don't. Where's the clitoris?
Is it in your ass?|
|00:47:14||Just, you know,
make sure you kind of whoop it up|
|00:47:17||and act like I'm a stud who knows
what he's doing, okay? Just be a pal.|
|00:47:22||Oh, dude, I am gonna Meryl Streep the
fuck out of this tomorrow, you watch.|
- You're welcome.|
|00:47:32||No. Really, thank you.|
|00:47:48||Less than 12 hours
and we make Monroeville history.|
|00:47:50||- I really hope nothing goes wrong.
- It's a movie. What could go wrong?|
|00:48:04||What are you doing?|
- What the fuck?|
|00:48:10||What are you doing?|
|00:48:12||- What are you doing?
- Wait, wait.|
- Stop. Stop.|
|00:48:17||- No, no, no.
- What the fuck is going on?|
|00:48:21||Condos is what's going on,
as soon as this shit-hole's demo'd.|
|00:48:24||No, you gotta stop it right now.|
|00:48:26||We rented this place for a month
from Mr. Jenkins.|
|00:48:28||Sounds like your Mr. Jenkins
was full of shit.|
bought this place a month ago.|
|00:48:33||I'm gonna kill that lying old fuck.|
|00:48:35||You're gonna have to go Florida,
that's where he moved.|
|00:48:38||We've got thousands of dollars
of equipment in there.|
- If you wanna sift through this rubble|
|00:48:43||when we're done, be my guest.
Hey, get that fucking beam down.|
|00:49:04||This is the last thing you wanna hear.|
|00:49:06||If you don't get an advance,|
|00:49:08||I don't think we're gonna keep
a roof over our heads.|
|00:49:11||I got an advance already.
It went into all the costumes.|
|00:49:15||- So all our money's gone?
- All your money?|
|00:49:18||Never mind what my wife's gonna do
when there ain't no new snow tires,|
|00:49:21||or when she sees
I charged a video camera.|
|00:49:24||I'm sorry I dragged you into this, man.|
|00:49:26||I just wanted to see some free titties.|
|00:49:29||That's all. But there's no such thing
as free titties, is there, Zack?|
|00:49:36||- Is there?
- Fuck this noise.|
|00:49:38||Why don't we get another camera,
and shoot something else?|
|00:49:41||Where are we gonna do that?
Got another sound stage?|
|00:49:44||Sound stage? We had a shit-covered
garage we turned into a sound stage.|
|00:49:48||We find someplace new
and we do it again.|
|00:49:52||How? Okay, I'm broke, man.|
|00:49:53||No, make that, I was broke.
Now I am really tapped out.|
|00:49:58||I have to get another job
to pay Delaney back.|
|00:50:01||So please tell me,
how can I afford to start over?|
|00:50:04||- What can I get you?
- Yeah, can I get a, uh...?|
|00:50:07||Too fucking late. Cappuccino, 3.50.|
|00:50:10||I don't know
what the fuck I was thinking.|
|00:50:12||I mean, I'm a total loser
in every single other aspect of my life.|
|00:50:18||What made me think
I could do something|
|00:50:20||as simple as filming people fucking?|
|00:50:22||We have no money left,
nowhere to shoot, no sets,|
|00:50:25||we have no fucking cameras. Here.|
|00:50:29||It's time I go back to my regular life|
|00:50:32||where I am a quiet fuckup
who doesn't cost anybody any money|
|00:50:36||and knows his goddamn position
behind this fucking counter|
for this fucking guy.|
|00:50:47||Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.|
|00:50:55||What are you doing?|
|00:51:36||You sneaky Indian motherfucker.
I tell you, yes.|
|00:51:42||Swallow My Cockuccino.|
- That's it. That's the movie.|
|00:51:48||Why didn't I think of it before?
We don't need sets or a stage.|
|00:51:51||Look at all this production value,
waiting to have balls on it.|
|00:51:55||Hold up. You wanna shoot
a dirty movie here, where we work?|
|00:51:59||Fuck, yes, I do. You know how many
stories I have from working here?|
|00:52:03||How many times I've been laid
right there after hours?|
|00:52:07||You've never gotten laid here
|00:52:09||I know. Thank you for reminding me.|
|00:52:11||But I always wish I had,
and that's what porno is. It's fantasy.|
|00:52:16||It's taking the normal
and making it abnormal by fucking it.|
|00:52:22||Don't do that.
The little dog don't like that.|
|00:52:24||How did you get a camera?|
|00:52:26||By being a terrible, untrustworthy
employee, that's how.|
|00:52:30||Give me today, I'll bang out a script.
Meet me back here after closing.|
|00:52:35||We're gonna launch arching ropes of
jism all over this motherfucker. Peace.|
|00:52:42||I like that guy but if he tries
to fuck that little dog tonight for real,|
|00:52:46||I'm calling the Humane Society.|
|00:52:51||It's called Bean-N-Gone,
so get the fuck out of here. Hey, Barry.|
|00:53:00||Stand by, Stace, picture's up.
|00:53:08||Swallow My Cockuccino,
Scene 12, Take 1.|
|00:53:29||I'd like a double espresso
so I can stay up all night|
|00:53:33||because I'm in the mood to fuck.|
|00:53:36||Well, I am a whore-ista, so I love
to fuck. Would you like to fuck me?|
|00:53:41||Holy fuck. You mean,
after you're done with your shift?|
|00:53:45||I mean during my shift.|
- Keep going, keep going.|
|00:53:51||With your shaft.|
|00:54:04||Let us fuck.|
|00:54:19||Okay, open up to camera,
guys. Let us see it.|
|00:54:29||Little less tongue.|
|00:54:35||Oh, that was good.|
|00:55:01||Oh, yeah, like that.|
|00:55:07||See, I told you it would work.
Didn't I tell you? It looks amazing.|
|00:55:12||Oh, the beans hurt. Easy.|
|00:55:15||- Move in for coverage.
|00:55:19||That's why we got him.|
|00:55:20||- Nice. I'm impressed.
- Get in there, Deacon.|
|00:55:23||- Come on.
- Like that? Like that.|
|00:55:27||- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah. Look at that.|
|00:55:31||- Pull out a bit, actually.
- That's hot.|
|00:55:33||No, not you, Lester. Put it back in.|
|00:55:35||Kiss the muscle.|
|00:55:37||- I kiss the muscle.
- You kiss the muscle.|
|00:55:39||- Can he slap her ass a little?
- Don't be a fucking pervert, dude.|
|00:55:43||- Stir, come on. Stir.
- Yeah, stir it.|
|00:55:47||Stir it, baby.|
|00:56:03||Are you guys still open?|
|00:56:06||No. We close at 9.|
|00:56:11||I need coffee so I'm drive home.|
|00:56:14||- Okay. Yeah.
|00:56:18||That's a cute kitty.|
|00:56:33||You guys see the game? I was at it.|
the quarterback, was all fucking'|
|00:56:42||"Hug it, chug it, football. All night. "
|00:56:48||Okay, pal, here you go.
On the house.|
|00:56:51||- I love you.
- I love you too. Have a good one.|
|00:56:53||- Yeah, I'll have a cold one.
- I said, have a good one.|
|00:56:58||- Okay. Keep moving.
You and your little dog.|
|00:57:12||Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, like that.|
|00:57:16||Oh, fuck it, chuck it, football.
|00:57:21||Oh, God, this is good.|
|00:57:25||You take it. You take it.
Take it, Barry. Oh, take it.|
|00:57:32||Take it, Barry. Take it.|
at how turned on I am by this.|
|00:57:40||- Shit, dude, it's almost 6.
- Oh, fuck.|
|00:57:42||Okay, that's a wrap,
|00:57:44||Let's give a hand to our hotties
with the bodies from last night.|
Bubbles, Barry, whoo.|
|00:57:51||Okay, when we come back tonight,|
|00:57:53||we finish up the venti-vulva scene, and
then we get into me and Miri's stuff.|
|00:57:57||Again, amazing first night, everybody.
Thank you so much.|
|00:58:04||Let us fuck.|
|00:58:09||- Hey, how'd it look?
- How do you think it looked?|
|00:58:12||It looked like shit going into other shit,
|00:58:16||What an artist. That was Kurosawa's
motto. "Shit going into other shit. "|
I can't believe you gotta work now.|
|00:58:22||It's okay. You know, honestly,
I don't think I could sleep.|
|00:58:25||- I'm pretty, like, pumped up right now.
- Right? It was amazing.|
|00:58:28||It was awesome.
I think the cast and crew had a good time.|
|00:58:31||- We were getting great shit.
- Yeah, it was so fun.|
|00:58:33||I just wanna keep shooting
people boning all day.|
|00:58:36||I don't think I've ever met
the ambitious Zack Brown before.|
|00:58:40||- Well, I'm trying to pay the bills, so...
- It's not a bad thing.|
|00:58:44||I think it looks good on you.|
|00:59:33||Come on, hurry.
Come on, come on, come on.|
|00:59:39||Wait a minute.|
|00:59:40||- You guys never did it before?
|00:59:43||You know, we talked about it
and it's just for the movie.|
|00:59:48||We're friends, you know'
we're just friends.|
|00:59:50||And we will always just be
just friends, so...|
|00:59:54||Listen, I have some extra lube
from last night.|
|00:59:58||I understand it's kind of hard getting
wet when everyone's watching.|
|01:00:01||At least it was for Barry.|
|01:00:03||- I don't know if I am gonna need it.
|01:00:06||Yeah, I think I'm just excited.|
|01:00:12||At the idea of people watching'
not because of Zack.|
|01:00:15||Oh, God. Zack could never have that
effect on me in a million years.|
|01:00:18||- Hello, Miriam.
- Oh, hey.|
|01:00:22||- Your face.
- Yeah. Weird, huh?|
|01:00:24||I don't think I've seen your face
since senior year.|
|01:00:27||I think I made a mistake.|
|01:00:28||I did it for you so you wouldn't
get road rash during our scene,|
|01:00:31||but I should have asked first'
I look like a fucking beluga whale.|
|01:00:35||I think I'll be going now.|
|01:00:47||All I keep thinking is
we should've done a trial run|
|01:00:50||at home last week or something.|
|01:00:51||- Oh, my God. Right?
- I know.|
|01:00:55||- You're still cool to do it, though, right?
- Yeah, um. Totally. Are you?|
|01:01:01||Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know, I'm, uh...|
|01:01:03||- Honestly, I'm a little nervous, I guess.
- You are?|
|01:01:06||- It's kind of a big deal.
- It is?|
|01:01:08||Yeah, you know,
it's our first time together|
|01:01:14||since our auspicious debut
on viral video.|
|01:01:20||That's a fuckload of pressure
for a director.|
|01:01:23||As a director, please. What about
the anxiety I'm feeling as an actress?|
|01:01:27||- Did I pick the right project?
- Yeah. What about this follow-up?|
|01:01:30||Julia Roberts followed Pretty Waman
with Sleeping With the Enemy.|
|01:01:33||I'm following Granny Panties
with Swallow My Cockuccino.|
|01:01:37||Only difference is
this movie's about cock-sucking|
|01:01:39||and her movie just sucked cock,
|01:01:41||- The only difference, yeah.
- The end was pretty rad.|
|01:01:45||I liked that.|
|01:01:48||- When she kills him.
- With a gun.|
|01:01:52||- She calls the cops first.
- She calls it in first.|
|01:01:55||- It was so awesome.
- Awesome, yeah.|
|01:01:59||So I guess we should do this.|
|01:02:01||I think we should probably wait just
until I lose another 20 or 30 pounds.|
|01:02:06||Stop it. You look good.|
|01:02:12||So, what about me? How do I look?|
|01:02:17||I mean, you look beautiful.
You always look so beautiful,|
|01:02:21||so I guess it's not a big deal,
but you look amazing.|
|01:02:34||- Okay. Let's go make a porno.
|01:02:39||Swallow My Cockuccino,
Scene 8, Take 1.|
|01:02:43||- Come here.
- I'm over...?|
|01:02:46||All right, settle.|
|01:02:51||Who could it be?|
|01:03:02||I'm a delivery man
and I have some cream for you.|
|01:03:06||Wow, that cream looks heavy.
You must be strong.|
|01:03:10||I work out.|
|01:03:11||So do you want me
to give you your cream now?|
|01:03:16||I've been waiting for it all day.|
|01:03:21||- Fuck. Come on.
|01:03:23||I spilled my cream. Do you mind?|
|01:03:28||I don't mind.
Especially if you spill it on my face.|
|01:03:34||Let us fuck.|
|01:03:42||- Fix my shirt. Think I should?
|01:03:44||Let me see them titties.|
|01:03:48||Actually, you know what? Sorry,
I don't think we should show them.|
- We shouldn't show your breasts.|
|01:03:54||- Aren't you gonna take your shirt off?
- I'm just gonna open it.|
|01:03:57||You're not gonna take it off? Why not?|
|01:03:59||My tits are bigger than yours.
I don't wanna show that.|
|01:04:02||She's not gonna show her tits?
I showed my cock and my asshole.|
|01:04:05||- Okay, I'll do your pants.
- Back and forth. okay.|
|01:04:08||- Holy shit.
- Where's that delivery?|
|01:04:10||I can't believe this. I was delivering
cream, and look what's happening.|
|01:04:16||- Jesus, what is that, a rumba?
- What's a rumba?|
|01:04:20||That awkward movement.|
|01:04:23||- Should I take your underpants off?
- Yeah, take them off.|
|01:04:29||What the fuck?
How does this work?|
|01:04:31||They're just like... I'll do it.|
|01:04:33||- I'll do mine, you just... You do yours.
- I'll do my pants.|
|01:04:49||Just get on with it already.|
|01:04:52||I'm gonna fuck you with my pecker.|
|01:04:54||Dude, that's really dirty.|
|01:04:56||- That's too dirty?
- That offends me.|
|01:05:00||- I'm gonna fuck you with my penis.
- I can't wait.|
|01:05:03||For my penis.|
|01:05:05||Be careful, Miri. Okay, there we go.
Just keep rolling, keep rolling.|
|01:05:09||- I'll walk forward.
- Fucking cream is coming.|
|01:05:16||This is the worst porno
I've ever seen.|
|01:05:20||Get over here, delivery man.
Let's fuck on these beans.|
|01:05:28||- You okay?
|01:05:29||Okay, all right.
- Just leave them. Just leave them.|
|01:05:32||- They're really distracting.
- You should leave them.|
|01:05:35||- You gotta get your... There you go.
|01:05:37||- Okay, okay.
- Okay. This okay?|
|01:05:47||- We'll start kissing on three, okay?
|01:05:50||One, two, three. Go.|
|01:06:20||- I'm ready.
|01:06:34||- Deacon. Deacon.
|01:06:37||Did you see Lost this week, man?
I missed it. What happened?|
|01:06:40||They're on the island, off the island.
Who can follow that?|
|01:06:43||I think they're in hell.|
|01:06:45||Would you all shut the motherfuck up?|
|01:07:01||I want you to come.|
|01:07:03||- I want you to come with me.
|01:07:45||That's it? It's over? Ain't he
supposed to come on her titties?|
|01:07:55||Well, it wasn't what we'd shot-listed'
but that was nice.|
|01:07:58||- It was so romantic.
- Way to fuck, Zack.|
|01:08:00||Thanks, Lester, uh.|
|01:08:03||It wasn't just me, though, guys. Give
it up for my radiant costar here, Miri.|
- Um, show's over in here.|
|01:08:10||Let's move out'
start lighting the next scene.|
|01:08:13||- All right.
- Let's do it.|
|01:08:15||- You looked so beautiful.
|01:08:17||I thought they were gonna
be fucking hard.|
|01:08:19||- It was pretty.
- Pretty don't sell.|
|01:08:21||- Good job.
|01:08:24||You good, Mir? You need anything?|
|01:08:27||I'm just gonna take a minute, okay?|
|01:08:29||Okay, uh. I'll just be out there.|
|01:08:36||- That was fun.
- Yeah, fun.|
"Fun. " You fucking douche.|
|01:09:28||- You working on a rewrite?
- Yeah, just for tonight's scene.|
|01:09:31||- I'm ready to go when you are, though.
|01:09:35||You know, before we go, I...
I'm thinking that, uh, it's a good idea|
|01:09:43||if we talk about
what happened last night.|
- I mean, we don't have to, but I think...|
|01:09:49||Okay, yeah, uh.|
|01:09:51||I kind of dropped the ball on that,
I guess, huh?|
|01:09:53||- No, no. It's...
- To be honest, it was...|
|01:09:57||You know, I didn't realize
how weird it would be for me.|
|01:10:00||Weird? Like... Weird how?|
|01:10:03||Acting and directing at the same time.
It's a lot to process, you know.|
|01:10:07||For the first time, I thought my balls
didn't have enough hair on them.|
|01:10:11||That's not what I meant.|
|01:10:14||I know what you meant.|
|01:10:16||How you feeling about it?|
|01:10:19||I guess, um...|
|01:10:22||I feel like...|
|01:10:28||- Holy fuck.
- The power's on. Did you do this?|
|01:10:31||How did this happen?
I burned the bills.|
|01:10:33||How could we have done that?|
|01:10:35||- The water.
- The water.|
|01:10:37||Come on, come on, come on.|
|01:10:41||- We can shower in our home again.
- We are liquid.|
|01:10:51||Have you heard the good news about
our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ?|
|01:10:55||Oh, my God, did you guys do this?|
|01:10:57||We got tired of you taking showers
at our places all the time.|
|01:11:00||So we took up a collection
|01:11:02||And chipped away
at your mountain of debt.|
|01:11:04||You guys paid off
our massive utilities bills?|
|01:11:06||- How did you afford that?
- I stole my old lady's bingo winnings.|
|01:11:09||And Mistress Bubbles
did a bachelor party tonight|
|01:11:12||at which yours truly was a guest star,
thank you very much.|
|01:11:17||Don't get too excited. We didn't pay off
your whole bill. Just a month of each.|
to turn everything back on?|
|01:11:23||At 9 at night? How does that work?|
|01:11:24||Stacey knows somebody
that works at Power and Light.|
|01:11:27||- You guys...
- This is amazing.|
|01:11:30||You didn't have to do this.|
|01:11:31||You didn't have to put us
in your movie.|
|01:11:33||- Or let us shoot it.
- Or produce it.|
|01:11:35||- Or put us in your movie either.
- We said that already.|
I don't know what to say.|
|01:11:40||You can start by saying
we can take tonight off|
|01:11:43||so we can have our wrap party
|01:11:45||Guys, we're not wrapped.
We still have four days of shooting left.|
In my "producorial" capacity,|
|01:11:51||I'm shutting the movie down for a night
so we can get a little silly.|
|01:12:38||Go, go, go.|
|01:12:44||You all drink.|
|01:12:45||Was it just amazing with him,
after all those years of not knowing?|
|01:12:49||It was, um, weird.|
|01:12:53||- But good.
- My scene with Zack's tomorrow.|
|01:12:56||You don't say.|
|01:12:57||But I'm a little nervous. I was thinking
about trying to get with him tonight.|
- I mean, if you don't mind.|
|01:13:05||You are just friends and all'
so I didn't think it would be a biggie.|
|01:13:08||- It wouldn't be a biggie, would it?
|01:13:11||No, no. It's not a biggie. What? No.|
|01:13:15||Are you sure?|
I'm not married to the guy, so...|
|01:13:20||I don't know. You guys just looked
kind of intimate last night.|
|01:13:25||- We did?
|01:13:32||Well, we're just better actors than
I thought, I think, so you know what?|
|01:13:38||If you wanna get with him'
you should just go ask him.|
|01:13:42||- He'd be really excited to hear that.
- Yeah? For real, you don't mind?|
|01:13:53||All the quarters are on the ground.|
|01:13:56||- Hey, Stace.
- Hey, Zack.|
are you guys playing or what?|
|01:15:48||Well, I'm bummed, but I totally get it.|
|01:15:51||It's no problem to work
with Lester again. He has a nice cock.|
|01:15:54||Well, you're a trouper, Stace.|
|01:15:56||Oh, but if I start making weird faces
or anything during the scene'|
|01:15:59||it's just because
I've been constipated all day.|
|01:16:02||Oh, shit, uh. We don't have
to shoot the scene tonight.|
|01:16:05||No, I want to. Anal's great
for when you're constipated.|
|01:16:08||It totally loosens you up.|
|01:16:11||I use ex-lax, but good to know.|
|01:16:14||Okay, I never thought
I would have that conversation.|
|01:16:18||So are we starting
with Lester and Stacey tonight?|
|01:16:20||We were supposed to start
with Lester and Miri.|
|01:16:22||I know. She... We're not gonna do that.
I don't think Miri's gonna...|
|01:16:37||Hey. So where are we shooting this?
|01:16:42||- What are you doing here?
- Me and Lester.|
|01:16:46||Our scene's tonight, right?|
|01:16:50||Can I talk to you for a minute
in the back?|
|01:16:58||What do you want me to shoot here?|
|01:17:00||Start with the close-ups of Lester
and Stacey. Give me a second, man.|
|01:17:04||What an artist.|
|01:17:06||Okay, uh. Did I do something
wrong to you?|
|01:17:12||Then why are you here?|
|01:17:13||I'm here for the same reason
you're here. To make the movie.|
|01:17:17||Okay, just, like'
for your own personal information,|
|01:17:21||you're acting really weird right now.|
|01:17:23||I'm acting weird?
I think you're acting weird right now.|
|01:17:26||Oh, I'm acting...
How exactly am I acting weird?|
|01:17:28||You've been trying to keep me
from fucking anybody but you|
|01:17:31||since we started this thing.|
|01:17:34||Maybe I was thinking
about your feelings.|
|01:17:37||Were you thinking of my feelings
when you were banging Stacey?|
|01:17:40||Because that'd be really sad
|01:17:42||She told me that you told her that
that was okay.|
|01:17:45||I told her that it was okay to ask you.|
|01:17:52||Holy shit. I get it. I fucking get it.|
|01:17:57||It was a test. That whole thing
was a fucking test, is that it?|
|01:18:01||If it was, how do you think you did?|
|01:18:04||We had a discussion, Miri.|
|01:18:05||We had... Actually, we had many
discussions about how it was just sex|
|01:18:12||- and how we wouldn't let it get weird.
- I'm not acting weird.|
|01:18:15||You're acting like a jealous girlfriend
is what the fuck you're acting like.|
|01:18:19||- I am not your girlfriend.
- I know that.|
|01:18:21||You're not my boyfriend, so why are
we having this conversation right now?|
|01:18:25||Because you're about to fuck Lester
to spite me, it seems like.|
|01:18:29||Did you fuck Stacey to spite me? No.|
|01:18:31||You fucked her
like you fucked every other bitch|
|01:18:34||and never gave a shit
how I felt about it.|
|01:18:36||- Well, that was before.
- Before what?|
|01:18:39||Look, don't fucking pretend that the
other night, you and me, right there,|
|01:18:43||that that didn't mean anything to you,
that you didn't feel it too.|
|01:18:47||Oh. You're not getting all gooey
on me here, are you, Zack?|
|01:18:51||You know what?|
|01:18:53||If you were any other bitch
I didn't give a rat's ass about,|
|01:18:56||I would tell you
to go fuck yourself right now|
|01:18:58||because I fucking hate
this game-playing shit.|
you mean more to me than that'|
|01:19:04||so I'm just gonna lay this out
on front street.|
|01:19:07||I know you felt something big,
something real the other night|
|01:19:10||when we were together
because I felt it too.|
|01:19:13||We tried to fuck and instead,
we wound up making love.|
|01:19:18||So if this is what you need to hear in
order to keep you from fucking Lester,|
|01:19:22||if this is what you need, then fine.
Here it is, I'm gonna say it.|
|01:19:28||I love you, Miri.|
|01:19:37||You better get a hold of yourself, Zack,
because we just fucked.|
|01:19:50||What if I didn't fuck Stacey?|
|01:19:54||But you did.|
|01:19:55||You know what?
I don't fucking give a shit.|
|01:20:07||All right, don't forget I'm down here.
Watch that pullout, huh?|
This is some damn good coffee.|
|01:20:16||- Where you going?
- Getting the fuck out of here.|
|01:20:19||We gotta finish this movie.|
|01:20:31||You believe this shit?|
|01:20:34||Do you believe this shit?|
|01:20:35||What the fuck just happened
|01:20:37||I'll tell you what just happened in there.|
|01:20:39||That chick frosted me
like I was a fucking cake.|
get a picture of me right now.|
|01:21:22||I'm hunting humans.|
|01:21:24||- Dude, check it out. Ooh.
- Oh, shit.|
let's shoot the shit out of this bitch.|
|01:21:29||- Where you aiming at?
- Cock shots?|
|01:21:48||We shot you in the balls, cunt nugget.|
|01:21:51||Well, it's my job to get shot in the balls,
so... Oh, they're gone.|
|01:21:55||Didn't you used to work at
the Bean-N-Gone in Monroeville?|
|01:21:59||I sure as shit hope this pays better,
I tell you.|
|01:22:07||So why don't they just shoot you
with a puck?|
|01:22:10||What do you mean?|
|01:22:11||I mean, what does paintball
got to do with hockey?|
|01:22:15||Nothing, I guess.|
|01:22:17||- So ain't no prizes or...?
- No, no.|
|01:22:20||So, what are they paying $5 for?|
|01:22:22||To shoot a Broad Street Bully
in the balls.|
|01:22:27||White people are fucked up.|
|01:22:30||Yup, they sure are.|
|01:22:31||It's a living. You've been getting
the checks I've been sending?|
|01:22:34||Yes, thank you very much.
I appreciate that.|
|01:22:37||Probably didn't save you from a
brutal tongue-lashing, though, huh?|
|01:22:41||You know, the wife
never found out about the camera,|
|01:22:45||because I paid off the bills.|
|01:22:47||How did you manage that?|
|01:22:49||- Because now I'm Oprah rich.
- No way.|
|01:22:53||- The post office fucking settled?
- Hundred-sixty large, son.|
|01:22:56||- Nice, man. Congratulations.
- A beautiful day, thank you very much.|
you made that whole thing up.|
|01:23:02||No, no. It was very real.|
|01:23:04||You can believe it.|
|01:23:06||Even though she's spending all of it.|
|01:23:13||Well, since you ain't gonna ask me,
I'll just go ahead and tell you.|
|01:23:17||- No, I have not seen Miri.
- I wasn't gonna ask that.|
|01:23:21||Oh, I suppose you weren't gonna ask
about your movie, neither?|
|01:23:24||Look, that's why I came down here.
I need you to come take a look at it.|
|01:23:27||- I'm not interested. Sorry.
- You'd better get interested|
|01:23:30||- because you still owe me money.
- What's wrong with the movie?|
|01:23:33||The story doesn't make sense.|
|01:23:36||- The story?
- The story doesn't make sense.|
|01:23:39||It's a fucking porno movie, man.
|01:23:42||It's a movie, dog,
and a movie's gotta have an ending,|
|01:23:45||which we don't have at the moment.|
|01:23:47||Come shot, credits.
There's your fucking ending.|
|01:23:50||Do me this favor, okay?|
|01:23:52||When you're done
getting your nuts blown off'|
|01:23:55||come back to humble Monroeville
to my crib for a couple hours'|
|01:24:00||check out the flick,
you tell me what's missing.|
|01:24:06||I'll tell you what, you do that,
you don't owe me shit no more.|
|01:24:11||- Is your wife home?
|01:24:15||- Maybe I should leave the pads on.
- You got some extra ones?|
|01:24:33||Where the fuck you been?
And who in the fuck is this now?|
|01:24:36||Would you calm down, woman?
|01:24:38||You already left one white boy
down in my basement|
|01:24:40||while you off gallivanting and shit.
What if this motherfucker|
|01:24:43||- was all grabby on me?
- Ain't nobody wanna grab on you.|
|01:24:47||Oh, what in the fuck
is that supposed to mean?|
|01:24:50||- Ain't nobody wanna grab on you.
- White boys love me.|
|01:24:56||- I said, white boy.
|01:24:58||You'd fuck me, wouldn't you?|
|01:25:00||- Should I say yes?
- Just say yes.|
|01:25:07||- Why don't you, uh, head downstairs?
- Oh, okay.|
|01:25:10||It's just through this hallway.|
|01:25:12||- Nice to meet you.
- You too.|
|01:25:16||What the fuck you looking at?|
|01:25:18||Why you gotta be yelling at me
in front of my director?|
|01:25:21||- Oh, he's a director?
|01:25:22||I didn't know that.
Shit, he's a director.|
|01:25:24||Well, why don't he direct my ass to a
new husband? How about that shit?|
|01:25:28||- That's the bedroom.
Keep talking, maybe he will.|
|01:25:31||Oh, don't nobody
want them saggy-ass balls!|
|01:25:33||Saggy balls? Look at these
sagging-ass titties you got around here.|
|01:25:36||- You could tie these together.
- Motherfucker, we match.|
|01:25:45||Where's my paintball gun at?|
|01:25:47||Look at you, editor and DP.
You got your shit covered, man.|
|01:25:50||Please, don't ever say "shit-covered"
to me again.|
|01:25:56||Roll the film for the man, please,
so we can see what he thinks.|
|01:26:00||Just jump through it. I ain't
got all night. The bitch is on me.|
|01:26:04||"Nigga Rich Productions. " Classy.|
|01:26:07||- Yeah, DreamWorks was taken.
- Was it?|
|01:26:10||Plus, it sounds like an underground
gay fuck club.|
|01:26:13||"I met a guy at DreamWorks. " Yeah.|
|01:26:15||All right, so we got
Lester and Stacey fucking.|
|01:26:19||Then we got
Barry and Bubbles fucking.|
|01:26:22||And then this boring bullshit.|
|01:26:30||Okay, just, uh, go to the next scene,
|01:26:36||- What next scene?
- The one with Miri and Lester?|
|01:26:39||We never shot it.|
|01:26:41||- Why not?
- Because after you left that night,|
|01:26:44||Miri came out of the backroom
and said she couldn't do it.|
|01:26:47||- We wrapped after that.
- Wrapped? So...|
|01:26:53||- Wait, so Miri...
- Never fucked nobody.|
|01:26:58||Now, I wonder why she did that.|
|01:27:06||You see, there was a time when I was
just a bitter old fuck making coffees,|
|01:27:10||and Stacey was just a lap dancer|
|01:27:13||and Barry and Bubbles
didn't know each other|
|01:27:15||and this fool here,
hell, I don't even know what he was.|
|01:27:18||- A white supremacist.
- Man, fuck you.|
|01:27:21||Then two people come along|
|01:27:23||and showed us something
we didn't know existed.|
|01:27:27||A world of possibilities
where plain old people just like us|
|01:27:32||could do something special.|
|01:27:34||Even if it's something as simple
as filming people fucking.|
|01:27:49||Sometimes we just need someone|
|01:27:52||to show us something
we can't see for ourselves|
|01:27:59||and then we're changed forever.|
|01:28:13||So as you can see'
our movie ain't got no ending.|
|01:28:18||Every movie needs an ending'
you're a slick cupid motherfucker.|
|01:28:32||Ain't love grand?|
|01:28:34||Why the fuck is this white boy
running through my goddamn house?|
|01:28:59||Miri. I'm sorry.
|01:29:01||- Close the door.
- It was closed.|
|01:29:02||- It was closed over...
- Just close the fucking door, Zack.|
|01:29:06||I never slept with Stacey that night,
okay? I swear to God.|
|01:29:11||When we got into my room,
you know what we did?|
|01:29:13||We talked about you, and us
and how things were different|
|01:29:18||and how I was
too much of a fucking pussy|
|01:29:21||to just tell you how I felt about you.|
|01:29:24||And I know... I know that that's only
because of all the stupid shit we said|
|01:29:29||about how we wouldn't let sex
change us, but it did. It changed me.|
|01:29:35||That has to be love, right?|
|01:29:38||It has to be love|
|01:29:40||and just so you know, I can't go back
to being just friends anymore,|
|01:29:46||- because I just can't.
|01:29:48||And I think...|
|01:29:51||I think that you feel the same way.|
|01:29:54||Because that night after I left,
you didn't fuck Lester.|
|01:30:02||What's up, Zack?|
|01:30:14||You know what?|
|01:30:15||I don't care that you're fucking
Lester, okay? How's that?|
|01:30:18||- Oh, shit.
- I don't wanna be with anyone but you.|
|01:30:21||So I will wait forever for you, okay?
I will wait the rest of my life|
|01:30:26||because I love you, and I have
for as long as I can remember.|
|01:30:30||And I would rather die
than be without you, Miriam Linky.|
|01:30:33||Miri's last name is Linky?|
|01:30:36||You're gonna fuck a guy
who doesn't know your last name?|
|01:30:39||Or that you beat up Carl Roth
in the sixth grade? I know that.|
|01:30:42||Or what your senior prom dress
would've looked like had we gone|
|01:30:45||but we decided not to,
and we got drunk alone instead.|
|01:30:48||Or that you washed your hair
in the toilet.|
|01:30:50||We're not fucking, Zack.|
|01:30:51||Or that you're not fucking Zack...
|01:30:53||I asked her to fuck me.
She wouldn't do it.|
|01:30:56||I even tried to talk her into giving me
the fucking Dutch rudder.|
|01:30:59||Shot me down on that too.|
|01:31:02||- And a Dutch rudder is?
- Don't know what a Dutch rudder...?|
|01:31:05||All right, you grab your dick,|
|01:31:07||then you have someone else
work your arm.|
|01:31:09||Here, let me show you.|
|01:31:10||All right, grab my arm. I'm grabbing
my dick, you're grabbing my arm.|
|01:31:14||Now work it. Work my arm.
See that shit? Work it up and down.|
|01:31:17||It's like someone else
is jerking you off.|
|01:31:20||There's the double Dutch rudder,|
|01:31:22||which, I grab my dick,
you grab your dick,|
|01:31:25||you work my arm, I work your arm'
|01:31:27||It's like jerking off together
but not gay.|
|01:31:30||We're not touching dicks,
each other's dicks anyway.|
|01:31:33||I'm touching my own dick.
You're working it, and I'm loving it.|
|01:31:36||It feels good, sir. Try me, come on.|
|01:31:39||Sorry to change the subject on you,
|01:31:41||but if you're not fucking Miri,
why is your dick out right now?|
|01:31:47||Because I live here now,
and I like to be naked.|
- When you moved out,|
|01:31:53||she couldn't afford to pay her rent
by herself, so I moved in to help.|
|01:31:56||But you just came out of her room.|
|01:31:58||That's my room now.
She moved in your old room.|
|01:32:01||Wait, wait, wait. She changed rooms?|
|01:32:04||Yeah, she said she did it because she
missed the smell of you or some shit.|
|01:32:10||I don't smell anything.|
|01:32:12||But you know what?
That probably means she loves you.|
|01:32:16||- Night, Zack.
|01:32:28||Then why are you crying?|
|01:32:30||Because I missed you so much.|
|01:32:36||I love you.|
|01:32:42||- I love you, I love you.
I love you.|
|01:32:44||I don't mean to alarm you|
|01:32:46||but I think I just jerked off Lester
a little bit.|
|01:32:49||- The Dutch rudder?
- Yeah, it's ingenious, right?|
|01:32:52||If you ask me nicely, I will
Dutch-rudder you the rest of our lives.|
|01:32:55||Good. I'm getting tired
of fucking the Fleshlight.|
|01:32:59||- You fucked it?
|01:33:00||- What'd it feel like?
- Like fucking a flashlight.|
|01:33:03||- Wrong room.
- Oh, God. That's gross.|
|01:33:09||Let us fuck.|
Welcome to Nigga Rich Productions'|
Zack and Miri Make Your Porno,|
|01:36:17||the production house for the couple|
|01:36:19||looking to put a little spice
in their sex life.|
|01:36:21||- Shall we take a look around?
- Fuck me so hard. Oh, God.|
|01:36:25||First, you'll meet for a consultation
with one of our romance-ologists,|
|01:36:29||who'll coach you
through that initial awkward stage|
|01:36:32||before you're camera-ready.|
|01:36:34||So we will start off
with some erotic massage and some...|
|01:36:38||Dude. Some light petting.|
|01:36:41||That sounds good.|
|01:36:43||Are you guys sure you don't wanna do
some, uh, butt-sack work too?|
|01:36:47||- Uh, let's move on, shall we?
|01:36:49||From their break-out hit,
Swallow My Cockuccino,|
|01:36:52||to the multi-million selling
Swallow My Cockuccino II|
|01:36:55||and the award-winning
Star Whores saga,|
|01:36:57||including Revenge of the Shit:
The All-Anal Final Chapter,|
|01:37:00||Zack and Miri have proven
time and again|
|01:37:02||that they know how to shoot hot sex.|
|01:37:06||As an actor, I've sometimes brought
my work home with me inappropriately.|
|01:37:12||When you're telling your real-life lover
in the bedroom'|
|01:37:17||to, you know, bend over
while you cake your hand in K-Y,|
|01:37:20||it is a sign that the romance is dead,
|01:37:23||Then we turned to the professionals
at Zack and Miri Make Your Porno.|
|01:37:26||Oh, my God,
they totally saved our civil union.|
|01:37:29||They filmed what was inside of us|
|01:37:32||and not what was coming out of us
|01:37:35||It helped me see his asshole|
|01:37:37||as not just a come dumpster,|
|01:37:42||but a sign of his beauty, his flower.|
|01:37:46||It became a, uh, gorgeous orchid.|
in sort of the filthiest conditions.|
|01:37:54||That's what his asshole became to me.
This beautiful flower amidst shit.|
|01:38:01||- Honey, they get the metaphor.
- I don't think they do.|
|01:38:04||Let's just say,
thank you to Zack and Miri.|
|01:38:07||It's helped us out,
it's helped our friends.|
|01:38:15||Can we get a little love
for Zack and Miri?|
|01:38:19||They don't even know what's going on,
they're so pilled up.|
|01:38:24||But don't take his word for it.
Just ask our co-founders.|
|01:38:28||- Hi. I'm Miri Linky Brown.
- I'm Zack Linky Brown.|
|01:38:32||Here at Zack and Miri
Make Your Porno, we're dedicated|
|01:38:35||- to committing your love...
- Or lust.|
|01:38:37||- to high-end, quality production
|01:38:40||A forever keepsake of your passion.|
|01:38:42||That's right, Miri. Why set up a camera
at the end of your bed|
|01:38:46||and settle for one unflattering angle,|
|01:38:48||when you could let the professionals
dazzle and delight your senses|
|01:38:52||with an array of shots
so masterfully rendered|
Martin Scorsese snuck into your room|
|01:38:57||and caught you fucking?|
we're not just the presidents|
|01:39:02||of Zack and Miri Make Your Porno.|
|01:39:04||We're also clients.|
|01:39:08||Call now to set up your appointment|
|01:39:10||or find us on the web
at www. ZackandMiri.com|
|01:41:26||Way to fuck, Zack.|