Ted

00:00:45To those who have lost the wondrous vision of childhood eyes,
00:00:49submitted here is the story of a little boy
00:00:53and a magical Christmas wish
00:00:55that changed his life forever.
00:01:01It began in 1985, in a town just outside Boston.
00:01:07It was Christmas Eve, and all the children were in high spirits.
00:01:12That special time of year
00:01:14when Boston children gather together
00:01:16and beat up the Jewish kids.
00:01:18Hey, Greenbaum!
00:01:20Uh-oh.
00:01:21Get him!
00:01:22(KIDS YELLING)
00:01:26But there was one child who wasn't in such good spirits.
00:01:30Little John Bennett,
00:01:32that one boy in every neighborhood
00:01:34who just has a tough time making friends.
00:01:37Hey, GUYS, can I play?
00:01:39Get out of here, Bennett.
00:01:40Get lost, Bennett!
00:01:41Get out of here, Bennett!
00:01:42Yeah, Bennett get lost.
00:01:44(YELLING INDISTINCTLY)
00:01:47John longed with all his heart
00:01:49for that one, true friend that he could call his own.
00:01:53And he knew that if he ever found that friend,
00:01:57he would never let him go.
00:02:01Well, as it does every year, Christmas morning finally came.
00:02:06All the children were opening their gifts with holiday glee.
00:02:18And for little John Bennett,
00:02:20Christmas Day brought a very special new arrival.
00:02:29Wow! (JOHN'S DAD CHUCKLES)
00:02:31I guess Santa paid attention to how good you were this year, huh?
00:02:34Aw! Merry Christmas, John.
00:02:37RECORDED TOY VOICE: I love you!
00:02:39He talks!
00:02:40(JOHN'S DAD LAUGHS)
00:02:42I'm going to name you Teddy.
00:02:46NARRATOR: John became instantly attached to Teddy.
00:02:50There was something about that bear
00:02:52that made him feel as if he finally had a friend
00:02:56with whom he could share his deepest secrets.
00:02:59RECORDED TOY VOICE: I love you!
00:03:01I love you, too, Teddy.
00:03:04You know, I wish you could really talk to me.
00:03:08Because then, we could be best friends forever and ever.
00:03:13NARRATOR: Now, if there's one thing you can be sure of,
00:03:17it's that nothing is more powerful than a young boy's wish.
00:03:22Except an Apache helicopter.
00:03:24An Apache helicopter has machine guns and missiles.
00:03:28It is an unbelievably impressive complement of weaponry,
00:03:31an absolute death machine.
00:03:35Well, as it turned out,
00:03:37John picked the perfect night to make a wish.
00:04:18Teddy?
00:04:23Teddy?
00:04:29Teddy?
00:04:39Hug me.
00:04:40(SCREAMS)
00:04:41You're my best friend, John.
00:04:43Did you... Did you just talk?
00:04:46Don't look so surprised.
00:04:48You're the one who wished for it, aren't you?
00:04:50Yeah. I did wish for it.
00:04:54Well, here I am.
00:04:56You mean, we get to be best friends for real?
00:04:59For real.
00:05:01Forever and ever?
00:05:02Sounds good to me.
00:05:05NARRATOR: John was just about the happiest boy in the world
00:05:08and he couldn't wait to tell everyone the good news.
00:05:12Mom, Dad, guess what? My teddy bear's alive!
00:05:15(CHUCKLES)
00:05:16Really? Well, isn't that exciting.
00:05:18No, Mom, he's really alive. Look.
00:05:21Merry Christmas, everybody.
00:05:24(SCREAMING) (DISHES SHATTERING)
00:05:25Jesus H. Fuck!
00:05:26Let's all be best friends.
00:05:28Oh, my God!
00:05:29John, get away from that thing. Get over here right now.
00:05:31But, Dad... Get over here!
00:05:33JOHN'S MOM: Listen to your father! Come here!
00:05:34Helen, get my gun. Dad, no!
00:05:36Is it a hugging gun?
00:05:37Helen, get my gun, and call the police!
00:05:39I'm sorry, Mr. Bennett, I didn't mean to scare anybody.
00:05:42I just wanted John and I to be friends.
00:05:45Yeah, Dad, I made a wish last night that Teddy was alive
00:05:48and my wish came true.
00:05:51Oh, my God!
00:05:54It's a miracle.
00:05:57It's a Christmas miracle.
00:06:00You're just like the Baby Jesus.
00:06:03NARRATOR: Well, it wasn't long before the story of John's little miracle
00:06:07was sweeping the nation.
00:06:09Out of a Boston suburb
00:06:11comes what is, without a doubt, the most incredible story...
00:06:14A young boy's stuffed animal
00:06:15has magically come to life for, as yet, unknown reasons...
00:06:18Look what Jesus did! Look what Jesus did! Look what Jesus did!
00:06:24NARRATOR: Before long, Teddy had become a huge celebrity
00:06:27in his own right.
00:06:29(APPLAUSE)
00:06:34Hello, Teddy.
00:06:39(CHUCKLING) You... you are a... You surprise me.
00:06:43For some reason I thought you were going to be taller.
00:06:45I thought you were going to be funnier.
00:06:47(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
00:06:51NARRATOR: But through all the fame,
00:06:53Teddy never forgot his very best friend, John.
00:06:58The thunder can't get us, right?
00:07:00Nope, we're thunder buddies, and the thunder knows it.
00:07:04We're totally safe. (THUNDER RUMBLING)
00:07:06Teddy?
00:07:08Yeah, John?
00:07:09Do you promise we'll always be together?
00:07:12I promise.
00:07:14(THUNDER CRASHES LOUDLY)
00:07:16Thunder buddies for life.
00:07:19Thunder buddies for life.
00:07:23And that was a promise that neither one of them ever forgot.
00:07:29So, where are John and Teddy today?
00:07:32Well, let me put it this way.
00:07:34No matter how big a splash you make in this world,
00:07:38whether you're Corey Feldman, Frankie Muniz, Justin Bieber,
00:07:42or a talking teddy bear,
00:07:44eventually, nobody gives a shit.
00:10:12(WATER BUBBLING)
00:10:18(COUGHS)
00:10:20Do I dare look at the clock?
00:10:22Look, all I'm saying is that Boston women are, on the whole,
00:10:26a paler, uglier sort than women from the elsewheres of life.
00:10:29That's bullshit. What about Lori? She's hot.
00:10:31No, Lori's from Pennsylvania. That's not a Boston girl.
00:10:33They're not that bad.
00:10:34See, the fact that you have to say they're not that bad
00:10:37means that they are that bad.
00:10:38Did you ever hear a Boston girl have an orgasm?
00:10:41(IN BOSTON ACCENT) Oh, yeah, oh, yeah! Harder! Harder!
00:10:45Oh, God, that was so good!
00:10:47Now I'm going to stuff my fucking face with Pepperidge Farm!
00:10:52(COUGHS)
00:10:53Jesus, this is weak.
00:10:55It's not even getting me high. I got to have a talk with my weed guy.
00:10:59It's working for me.
00:11:00I think it sucks. I'm going to have a talk with him.
00:11:01I don't know that you want to go to a drug dealer with complaints.
00:11:04No. I know this guy a long time. I've known him since 9/11.
00:11:07You remember? I was, like, "Oh, shit, 9/11. I got to get high."
00:11:10Is it 9:30? Yeah.
00:11:11Shit, I got to get to work!
00:11:13I don't know if I can drive!
00:11:15It's okay, I'll drive you. I feel fine.
00:11:38(BRAKES SCREECHING)
00:11:40Fuck! Shit.
00:11:42Oh, man!
00:11:43TED: Johnny, I'm sorry, man. That car just came out of nowhere.
00:11:47God, is it bad?
00:11:49Oh, man!
00:11:51John! May I speak with you, please?
00:11:54Shit.
00:11:55It's all right, go, go, go. I'll pull out of here.
00:11:57Hi, Thomas, how are you?
00:12:03(METAL SCRAPING)
00:12:12MAN: asshole!
00:12:13TED: That's my bad. I was sending a tweet.
00:12:17John, it's almost 10:00.
00:12:20I know, sir, I'm sorry. It wasn't my fault.
00:12:23What do you mean?
00:12:26(STAMMERS)
00:12:27I guess I wasn't really prepared for a follow-up question.
00:12:32John, all you got to do is not fuck up
00:12:34and you get my job when I go to corporate next month.
00:12:37You're the new branch manager.
00:12:39All you've got to do is not fuck up.
00:12:41I realize that. Good.
00:12:43Glad to hear it.
00:12:45Because in a month, my life could be your life.
00:12:48A cushy, $38,000-a-year branch manager
00:12:51who's personal friends with Tom Skerritt.
00:12:55Not a bad life, is it?
00:12:57No.
00:12:59I'm going to show you something that I don't like to show people
00:13:01because I don't want them treating me differently.
00:13:07Boom. That's me and Skerritt.
00:13:09Wow.
00:13:10Goddamn right, "Wow."
00:13:12I'm gonna dock you for dinging the car
00:13:14and for showing up late today, all right?
00:13:16Try and be a little more responsible tomorrow.
00:13:18I will, sir, I promise.
00:13:21I'm not going to let you down, Goose.
00:13:23What?
00:13:24Top Gun.
00:13:26So?
00:13:28Tom Skerritt.
00:13:30I know that.
00:13:31Get out of here, okay?
00:13:32Thank you, sir.
00:13:34All right, here's your keys, your rental agreement,
00:13:36complimentary map of Boston.
00:13:38Thank you for choosing Liberty. Drive safely.
00:13:41Thanks. Thanks so much.
00:13:44I heard you got busted.
00:13:46Jesus, Guy, you look like shit, man. What happened?
00:13:49I don't know, I got fucking wasted last night.
00:13:52My phone says I texted someone at 3:15, asking them to beat me up.
00:13:56And then, at 4:30, I texted the same person saying, "Thanks."
00:14:00And you don't remember it?
00:14:01No, same as last time.
00:14:03It just seems kind of gay, doesn't it?
00:14:05I don't know. Maybe, yeah.
00:14:07Well, do you think you're part of some gay beat-up underworld?
00:14:09Like one of those gay beat-up clubs or something?
00:14:11I don't know. I dig chicks, man.
00:14:13I don't remember any of it. I was so fucked up.
00:14:15I might be gay, I don't know.
00:14:16Do you mind covering for me for a bit?
00:14:18I might go lay down in the john.
00:14:20Hey, buddies. Where is it hanging?
00:14:21Hey, Alix, what's up? You get in the club last night?
00:14:23I didn't get in because the bouncer was douche-face.
00:14:27But I made friends in the line.
00:14:28That's good, I guess.
00:14:29Hey, guys, anybody know a nice restaurant,
00:14:32like something where they give out
00:14:33free bubblegum in the bathrooms?
00:14:35For what?
00:14:36Lori and I have been dating four years tomorrow.
00:14:37I want to take her someplace really nice.
00:14:39Aw, congratulations, John.
00:14:41GUY: You guys have been going out for four years?
00:14:43My longest relationship was like six months
00:14:45and then she farted in her sleep.
00:14:46I'm like, "I'm out of here, man." I was gone before she woke up.
00:14:49You're not very tolerant, huh?
00:14:52Lori ever fart in front of you?
00:14:53Yeah.
00:14:55Really? Yeah, many times.
00:14:58You Italian? No.
00:15:01Why?
00:15:02Never mind. Take her to Benihana.
00:15:04John, look, don't you think after four years
00:15:06maybe she's hoping for something more than dinner?
00:15:08Like what?
00:15:10I don't know, but if it were me, I'd be expecting a proposal.
00:15:14Come on, nobody's expecting anybody to propose.
00:15:16I mean, marriage isn't...
00:15:19Isn't love enough? I submit that love is enough.
00:15:22You can put the ring in her ass, let her fart it out.
00:15:25(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
00:15:32So bad, but so good.
00:15:34(COUGHS)
00:15:35Hey, by the way, don't let me forget,
00:15:37you and I got to nail down a plan
00:15:38for the Bruins game tomorrow night.
00:15:40No, I can't. I'm taking Lori to dinner.
00:15:42For what?
00:15:43Well, we've been dating four years tomorrow.
00:15:45Oh, fuck me. Nice.
00:15:47Let me ask you something.
00:15:49You don't think she's going to be
00:15:50expecting something big, do you?
00:15:52What, like anal?
00:15:53No, like a fucking circular gold thing on her finger.
00:15:56Oh, fuck that! It's been four years, Johnny.
00:15:59You and me have been together for 27 years.
00:16:01Where's my ring? Where's my ring, asshole?
00:16:04Where's my ring, motherfucker? Stop it. Come on!
00:16:06Put it on my fuzzy finger, you fuck! Come on!
00:16:08(LAUGHS) All right, knock it off!
00:16:09All right, I'm just saying.
00:16:11But do you think she might be expecting me to make that kind of a move?
00:16:14No, I don't think she is. And, not only that, it's the wrong time.
00:16:17It's a terrible idea. I mean, you got the economy.
00:16:20You got the credit bubble, the Supreme Court.
00:16:22I mean, look at Haiti.
00:16:23I guess I didn't think about that.
00:16:25Well, that's... It's a factor.
00:16:27Who are you?
00:16:28Flash Gordon. Quarterback, New York Jets.
00:16:32This is the American fantasy, right here.
00:16:34A professional NFL player is called upon to save the world.
00:16:38Tom Brady could do that. Tom Brady could do that!
00:16:42Hey. Hey, sweetie.
00:16:43Hey, Lori-.
00:16:45Hi. Hi.
00:16:46What do you got there?
00:16:48Turkey burgers.
00:16:50Are we having homosexuals over for dinner tonight?
00:16:53Ha-ha. No, just you homos.
00:16:55Whoa! Whoa!
00:16:57You kind of just reworded my joke, but, uh... (CHUCKLES)
00:17:00How was work?
00:17:01It was fine.
00:17:02How's your dickhead boss?
00:17:04Rex is fine.
00:17:05He only hit on me once today, so, it's a good thing.
00:17:08Hey, Johnny, how about a beer?
00:17:10A couple of Charles Brew-kowskis?
00:17:11Couple of Brew-stoyevskis?
00:17:13Maybe a Mike Brew-gaslowski?
00:17:15Perhaps a Tedy Brew-ski?
00:17:17That's a good one.
00:17:18You know what, I think I, too, want a Martina Navrati-brewski.
00:17:21No, that doesn't work.
00:17:22Don't ruin it. No.
00:17:24Bullshit! That totally works.
00:17:25TED: No, no.
00:17:26Yeah, it does. It doesn't work.
00:17:28The name has to have a "ski" at the end of it
00:17:29and you just put "brewski" at the end of "Martina Navratilova," so...
00:17:31I just thought we were saying funny names.
00:17:33No, it has to have a "ski" at the end of it.
00:17:36Otherwise, where's the challenge?
00:17:37If there's no "ski" at the end of the root word
00:17:39then we would just be idiots saying nonsense.
00:17:51Hey.
00:17:53They found the missing hikers.
00:17:54They did?
00:17:55Yeah. What happened?
00:17:57They said they got separated
00:17:58and one of them had his foot stuck under a rock
00:18:00for like, five days.
00:18:01Wow. Mmm.
00:18:03You know, if your leg got trapped under a rock
00:18:07I'd chew it off to get you free.
00:18:09You would?
00:18:10I sure would.
00:18:11Is that cannibalism?
00:18:13No, I think it's only cannibalism if you swallow.
00:18:15Oh, yeah, no!
00:18:17Don't worry about that, because I don't swallow.
00:18:19Really? 'Cause that's not what I heard.
00:18:21Well, it's not true, okay? I'm a classy broad.
00:18:24(LAUGHING) Yeah.
00:18:25I can see that. (SIGHS)
00:18:27Listen, speaking of classy,
00:18:29Ciao Bella is a really expensive restaurant.
00:18:31So, we can go anywhere else tomorrow.
00:18:34I really don't care, as long as we're together.
00:18:37Are you kidding me?
00:18:39No, no, no. Four years, we've been going out.
00:18:40I'm taking you to the best place in town.
00:18:43You know I love you.
00:18:46I love you, too. (LAUGHING) And you're nasty.
00:18:48Do you want to get nasty?
00:18:50You're a nasty girl.
00:18:55(THUNDER CRASHING) (SCREAMS)
00:18:57I don't understand.
00:18:58Thirty-five years old and you're still scared of a little thunder.
00:19:01I am not!
00:19:03(EXCLAIMING FEARFULLY)
00:19:05Thunder buddies for life, right, Johnny? Fucking right.
00:19:07Let's sing the thundersong. All right.
00:19:09BOTH: (SINGING) When you hear the sound of thunder Don't you get too scared
00:19:12Just grab your thunder buddy And say these magic words
00:19:16Fuck you, thunder You can suck my dick
00:19:20You can't get me, thunder 'Cause you're just God's farts
00:19:23(BOTH IMITATE FARTING)
00:19:24Ugh!
00:19:27TED: Hey, Lori, can you set the alarm for 11:00 a.m.?
00:19:29I've got a lot of stuff to do tomorrow.
00:19:44WOMAN: Good morning, Lori.
00:19:45Good morning.
00:19:51(SIGHS)
00:19:52Okay. You okay there, sweetheart?
00:19:54(GRUNTS) You look a little flustered.
00:19:56I'm fine, I'm fine,
00:19:57I just didn't have time for breakfast and the garage was full,
00:19:59oh, and that's right, my boyfriend can't sleep through a thunderstorm
00:20:02without his teddy bear.
00:20:03I don't understand why you keep putting up with him.
00:20:05Yeah, I mean, the guy's 35, and he's working for a rental car service.
00:20:09You know, you guys, it's really not about that.
00:20:11I don't care about that. I mean, I'd love him if he was a janitor.
00:20:14I mean, he has a huge heart and we laugh a lot.
00:20:18It's just a bonus that he's the hottest guy in Boston.
00:20:21I don't know. I just wish he would get his life together.
00:20:23Our life. And he can't.
00:20:26And, I swear to God, it is because of that bear.
00:20:28You should give him an ultimatum. It's you or the bear.
00:20:31No, I can't do that. That would devastate him.
00:20:35Besides, what if he chose Ted?
00:20:38Well, hello there.
00:20:40Sorry if I'm interrupting any private girl-talk
00:20:42about Channing Tatum's index finger.
00:20:43But, Lori, I need to see you in my office.
00:20:46Yeah, the thing is, Rex, I have a lot of work I need to get to...
00:20:48Oh, this is work, I swear.
00:20:51(SIGHS)
00:20:52Great.
00:20:54Good luck. Thank you.
00:20:57He's such an asshole.
00:20:58Out of control. He's such a sleaze.
00:21:00A hundred bucks says he's showing her the diving team photo.
00:21:04Check this out.
00:21:06That's me on the high school diving team.
00:21:09We dove the shit out of that pool that year.
00:21:11You promised me this was about work.
00:21:13Lori, why don't you like me? Ugh!
00:21:15I'm rich, I'm good-looking, my dad owns the company.
00:21:17I have a boyfriend. I have told you this.
00:21:19Yeah, the guy with the bear.
00:21:21But I'm talking about a mature relationship, Lori.
00:21:24If we were together, our babies would be spectacular.
00:21:27With my top-of-the-pyramid Caucasian genes and your splash of
00:21:33dark, beautiful, smoky...
00:21:37Baltic? Czech?
00:21:39Goodbye, Rex.
00:21:40(SOFT PIANO PLAYING)
00:21:54LORI: Oh!
00:21:56Okay, that was perfect.
00:21:58Would you like me to wrap your leftovers?
00:21:59No, I'm good. Thank you.
00:22:01Actually, could you wrap just this up for me?
00:22:03I want to scare the shit out of somebody.
00:22:04Sure.
00:22:05What are you, five years old?
00:22:06JOHN: Yeah.
00:22:07But I read at a six-year-old level, so...
00:22:10(LAUGHING)
00:22:11Sir, and madam, here is your dessert
00:22:15and champagne.
00:22:18(GASPS) Ooh!
00:22:19Cristal.
00:22:20It's a special night. We've been dating for four years.
00:22:23And hey, all those rich black people can't be wrong, right?
00:22:26(LAUGHING)
00:22:28(SIGHS)
00:22:29It doesn't feel like four years, does it?
00:22:32No, it doesn't.
00:22:33You know, you had no business being out on that dance floor,
00:22:37but I'm really happy that you were.
00:22:39(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
00:22:45This song is so great.
00:22:47Oh, yeah. Chris Brown can do no wrong.
00:22:50Wow, you can really move.
00:22:52You like that, huh? Check this shit out.
00:23:01Oh, my God!
00:23:03Are you okay? (GROANING)
00:23:05Oh, God, lam so sorry.
00:23:06No, I'm fine, I'm fine.
00:23:07Jesus, lam so sorry. I didn't see you. It was an accident.
00:23:10Did you hurt your head?
00:23:11Yeah, my head hurts a lot.
00:23:13Oh, man. Here, let me get you some ice.
00:23:19Cw!
00:23:20Sorry, sorry. Does it hurt?
00:23:25No. It's fine.
00:23:30Okay, here's a test to see how much you actually care about me.
00:23:33You remember that night, after the club
00:23:35we went and had late-night eggs and waffles until about 5:00 a.m.
00:23:39We watched a movie on the little TV in the diner.
00:23:42Name that movie.
00:23:44Octopussy.
00:23:45(GASPS) Baby! Gold star.
00:23:48And, by the way, my dancing was not that bad.
00:23:51It was pretty bad. I have cool moves.
00:23:53Yeah, so do people with Parkinson's.
00:23:54That's not how I remember it.
00:23:55Okay, how do you remember it?
00:23:57(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)
00:24:27All right, whatever you say.
00:24:29Hey Yes?
00:24:30Here's to four more years.
00:24:32Okay. You make me happy.
00:24:34Now, I know we said no gifts, but...
00:24:36We said no such thing.
00:24:37I got you something anyway, in clear violation of the "no gift" rule.
00:24:40We had no such rule.
00:24:41Lori, I've wanted to give this to you for a long time.
00:24:48John?.
00:24:55Those are the ones you like, right? From that kiosk at the mall.
00:24:59Yeah.
00:25:02You know, Lori,
00:25:04someday, there's going to be a ring in there.
00:25:06But I want to wait until I get you something really special.
00:25:08I just don't have the money right now.
00:25:12Look, I'm only saying this because I love you.
00:25:15You're not going to have any sort of career
00:25:16if you keep wasting time with Ted.
00:25:18Oh, jeez, here we go.
00:25:19Baby, please ask Ted to move out
00:25:21so we can move on with our lives.
00:25:22Lori, look, he's been my best friend since I was eight.
00:25:25I was not a popular child.
00:25:28You have to understand, I had no friends before he came along.
00:25:30He's the only reason I ever gained any fucking confidence.
00:25:32But you're no longer eight. You're 35 years old.
00:25:35And unless you're too blind to notice,
00:25:37he's not your only friend anymore.
00:25:39Can we talk about this another time,
00:25:41and just enjoy our anniversary dinner?
00:25:46(LORI CLEARS THROAT)
00:25:53Oh, shit, hang on a second.
00:25:55Now my phone fell under the seat somewhere.
00:25:57Can you call it?
00:25:58Yeah.
00:26:03(DIALING)
00:26:06(OMINOUS RING-TONE PLAYING)
00:26:14Is that my ringtone?
00:26:16Oh, yeah.
00:26:18What is it? 'Cause it sounds negative.
00:26:20No, no, it's from The Notebook.
00:26:23Oh.
00:26:24This is going to take some doing, I think.
00:26:26I'll just meet you upstairs then?
00:26:28Yeah, I'll be right there.
00:26:31(MUFFLED ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
00:26:37Oh!
00:26:38Lori, hey, you're home early.
00:26:40What the hell is this?
00:26:42The ladies and I were just watching Jack and Jill.
00:26:44Adam Sandier plays a guy and his sister, and it's just awful.
00:26:48It's unwatchable.
00:26:49But, they're hookers, so it's fine.
00:26:51This place is a wreck. Who are these girls?
00:26:54Oh. Where are my manners?
00:26:56Lori, this is Angelique, Heavenly, Cherene, and Sauvignon Blanc.
00:27:01I love you girls.
00:27:02You know, somewhere out there are four terrible fathers
00:27:04I wish I could thank for this great night.
00:27:06What is that?
00:27:08What is what?
00:27:10There is...
00:27:12...a shit on my floor.
00:27:14In the corner, there is a shit!
00:27:17Oh, yeah. Yeah, we were playing truth or dare
00:27:19and Cherene's pretty ballsy.
00:27:21There is a shit on my floor!
00:27:23"Or is the floor on the shit?" is what Kierkegaard would say.
00:27:29(JOHN ROARS) (LAUGHS)
00:27:30JOHN: Who lives here? I'm coming to get whoever lives here.
00:27:33You owe me lobster money.
00:27:35(LAUGHS) That's my buddy, Johnny.
00:27:36Not the lobster, the guy running it.
00:27:38I found my phone.
00:27:40What's going on?
00:27:43Is that a shit?
00:28:01God, there are some fucked-up fish out there.
00:28:03Look at that one. WASP-y, white-guy fish.
00:28:06"I married the wrong woman, and now I lead a life of regret."
00:28:10Oh, look at this guy.
00:28:12"I went to New York once in 1981, and I just did not feel safe."
00:28:17(SIGHS)
00:28:18Ted, you gotta move out.
00:28:22What?
00:28:24It's got to happen.
00:28:27What did I do?
00:28:30My relationship is at a very delicate stage, you know.
00:28:35Lori and I may just need a little space right now.
00:28:37Plus, a hooker took a shit in our apartment.
00:28:40Oh, God! Ah, what?
00:28:42Oh, this is so gross!
00:28:43Don't tell me! I don't want to hear about it! Did you get it?
00:28:45No, I didn't get it! Tell me when you get it!
00:28:47Oh, my God, I got some on my thumb!
00:28:50No! You can never cook with that hand again!
00:28:53Oh, my God! You have to learn to cook left-handed.
00:28:54This is the most disgusting thing ever!
00:28:56Don't! Get it away from me!
00:28:58Look, that was a tough night for all of us.
00:29:00Ted, you mean everything to me, and so does Lori.
00:29:04I'm just trying to find a way to keep you both in my life.
00:29:07(SIGHS)
00:29:08She's making you do it, isn't she?
00:29:11Yes.
00:29:12But that doesn't mean we can't hang out. We'll hang out all the time.
00:29:15Yeah, but what about "thunder buddies for life," Johnny?
00:29:18I know. I just don't know what to do, here.
00:29:21I know it sucks, but otherwise I'm going to lose her.
00:29:25And I do love her, Ted.
00:29:27I know you do, Johnny.
00:29:29I'll help you get on your feet out there, I promise.
00:29:31I know. And we'll hang out all the time, right?
00:29:34All the time.
00:29:35Fuck it. Bring it in. Come here.
00:29:37Bring it in, you bastard. Come on.
00:29:39RECORDED TOY VOICE: I love you!
00:29:41Fuck. Shit, sorry, that's the thing from the...
00:29:44The old... Yeah, yeah.
00:29:46I'm not gay. I know.
00:29:47And you're not gay, so we're fine.
00:29:50We gotta get you a job.
00:29:54I look stupid.
00:29:56No you don't. You look dapper.
00:29:57I don't. I look like Snuggle's accountant.
00:29:59Come on, it's not that bad.
00:30:01John, I look like something you give your kid
00:30:02when you tell him Grandma died.
00:30:04Look, I know it sucks, okay?
00:30:06But you've got to make some money
00:30:07so you can pay for an apartment.
00:30:08I don't want to work at a grocery store.
00:30:10Yeah, but you have no skills.
00:30:12I told you, I can totally be a lawyer.
00:30:14You get the job, we're celebrating after, okay?
00:30:17Uh-huh. And if I don't get the job,
00:30:19are we still going to smoke that pot?
00:30:21Probably, yes.
00:30:22Uh-huh. Okay, all right. Good talk, coach, thanks.
00:30:24All right, buddy, go get 'em.
00:30:26And don't worry, I'll do my very best
00:30:28to get this job that I so crave.
00:30:31So you think you got what it takes?
00:30:33I'll tell you what I got. Your wife's pussy on my breath.
00:30:38Nobody's ever talked to me like that before.
00:30:40That's 'cause everyone's mouth is usually full of your wife's box.
00:30:46You're hired.
00:30:47Shit.
00:31:34Well, I am a former celebrity in a minimum wage job.
00:31:38This is how the cast of Diff'rent Strokes feels.
00:31:41All day, every day. Just awful.
00:31:43They must feel awful. The live ones must feel awful.
00:31:46Come on. It's not that bad, okay?
00:31:47I got a shitty job, and I assure you, lam quite content.
00:31:49Excuse me.
00:31:51I'm sorry to bother you
00:31:52but my son and I couldn't help but admire your teddy bear.
00:31:56Oh, thank you. Thanks.
00:31:58Yeah. I'm Donny, this is Robert.
00:32:01I have to say, I've been following you ever since I was a young boy
00:32:05and I remember seeing you on the Carson show.
00:32:08You were just wonderful.
00:32:10Oh, yeah, that was a weird interview.
00:32:12Ed thought I was ALF, and he kept muttering anti-Semitic comments.
00:32:16He thought ALF was Jewish for some reason.
00:32:18Have you ever considered selling the bear?
00:32:20What? Excuse me?
00:32:21I want it.
00:32:22I'm not an "it," pal. I'm a "he," all right?
00:32:25I'm sorry, little guy, but my bear isn't for sale.
00:32:27See, I've had him since I was about your age.
00:32:29He's very, very special to me.
00:32:30Stand up straight when you're talking to me.
00:32:33Why the fuck would he say that?
00:32:35Sorry, you really shouldn't swear in front of children.
00:32:38Look, we're very interested in the bear.
00:32:40If you want to make some sort of arrangement
00:32:42here's my address and phone number.
00:32:43And you can call me any time, okay?
00:32:46Will do.
00:32:47Here it goes, in the really important pocket for really important stuff.
00:32:50Okay? Okay.
00:32:52Okay. See you later.
00:32:53Come on, Robert.
00:32:55TED: Take it easy.
00:32:56What the fuck?
00:32:57Can you imagine what that little shit would do to me?
00:32:59I could totally see him just taking you down to the basement
00:33:01and really slowly de-limbing you
00:33:03while singing some creepy Victorian nursery rhyme.
00:33:05(SINGING) Oh, my little sixpence My pretty little sixpence
00:33:08Stop it. Knock it off.
00:33:10I love my sixpence Better than my life
00:33:11Stop it! Fuck! Why you got to take it to that place?
00:33:13You took it to a very... Now it's real. Now it's a real thing.
00:33:16Come on. Take it easy.
00:33:17All right, look, let's just find a better place to get stoned.
00:33:37(GRUNTS)
00:33:40(SIGHS)
00:33:42I guess this is it, huh?
00:33:44Yeah. Yeah, I guess so.
00:33:46First night on your own.
00:33:48Yeah, first night in my beautiful new apartment.
00:33:51It'll be great when it's furnished.
00:33:53Yeah, and the guy said it ain't hardly had no murders in it.
00:33:56So, that's good.
00:33:58Okay, so, if you need anything...
00:34:01Yeah, I know. Don't worry, Johnny, I'll be fine.
00:34:06I know you will.
00:34:09(SIGHS) All right.
00:34:35Hey there.
00:34:37Hey.
00:34:38Hi. Hi.
00:34:42Listen, I just want to say thank you.
00:34:47I know what you did with Ted wasn't easy,
00:34:51and I just want you to know that I love you for it,
00:34:54and I think it's a new beginning for our relationship.
00:34:58Hey, anything for you.
00:35:01This is all part of the new, grown-up adult John Bennett,
00:35:04so you better get used to him.
00:35:06Really?
00:35:08Well, you know,
00:35:11I don't have to be at work for another 20 minutes.
00:35:15Well, that's perfect.
00:35:17Because I'm only going to need one.
00:35:19(LAUGHS)
00:35:22You know what my favorite thing about you is?
00:35:24That, even after four years, you can still surprise me.
00:35:30To step up and change such a huge part of your life
00:35:35just to make your girlfriend happier...
00:35:38I don't know, I guess most guys wouldn't do that.
00:35:41Well, most guys don't have you to motivate them.
00:35:46I know I'm not a talking teddy bear,
00:35:50but at least you didn't have to make a magical wish to get me.
00:35:54How do you know?
00:36:06Oh.
00:36:08Is that a Flash Gordon ray gun,
00:36:10or are you just happy to see me?
00:36:13(ZAPPING) (LAUGHING)
00:36:19There we go.
00:36:21Thank you very much, please come again. We have a lot more groceries.
00:36:25(SIGHS)
00:36:30Hey, Ellen.
00:36:32Yeah?
00:36:34Who's that over there?
00:36:36That's the new checkout girl.
00:36:38Don't know her name. Seems cute.
00:36:40Yeah, very cute. Do you know what I'd like to do to her?
00:36:43Something I call a Dirty Fozzie.
00:37:01(LAUGHING)
00:37:19Okay, all right, so that's where we'll draw the line.
00:37:25Hey, how are you holding up?
00:37:28Oh, I'm all right. I'm just getting used to things, that's all.
00:37:32It's going to be all right.
00:37:33I actually went through something like this with my last boyfriend.
00:37:36Really? Yeah.
00:37:39We were together for eight months, and I really loved him.
00:37:43And then he got deported back to Iran,
00:37:46so I know what you're going through.
00:37:48Oh, yeah. So, I guess we both lost our furry little guy.
00:37:53We sure did.
00:37:54(CELL PHONE RINGING)
00:37:59Hey, Ted. Hey, Johnny, what are you doing?
00:38:01You want to come over and catch a buzz?
00:38:03Well, I could probably stop by after work.
00:38:04Fuck that. I traded off yesterday so I got the other shift.
00:38:07Come on, I'm bored as crap over here. Just swing by for a bit.
00:38:10I cannot just ditch work, man.
00:38:11Look, I'm trying to get my shit together
00:38:12and be an adult here, for Lori's sake.
00:38:14John, five minutes and then I'll kick you out, I promise.
00:38:17Just come over. I got the Cheers DVD box set
00:38:20and the guy down at the store told me
00:38:22that everybody talks shit about each other in the interviews.
00:38:25You'll kick me out in five?
00:38:26I will kick you out in five. John, I have to kick you out.
00:38:29I have so much teddy bear paperwork I have to get to, it is sick.
00:38:32What do I tell Thomas?
00:38:34Just tell him you don't feel well.
00:38:36I gotta cut out for a bit.
00:38:38Lori tried to break up a dog fight
00:38:39and I guess she got hurt pretty bad.
00:38:41Oh, my God!
00:38:42Yeah, that's the way she is.
00:38:44She sees trouble and she wants to help out,
00:38:45and I guess one of these dogs clamped his jaws on her forearm
00:38:48and wouldn't let go until the fireman showed up
00:38:50and stuck his finger in his ass.
00:38:53Oh, Jesus.
00:38:54Yeah, she's pretty shook up.
00:38:55Up the dog's ass, right?
00:38:57Yeah, up the dog's, not the fireman's ass.
00:38:59I thought the fireman stuck his own finger up his own ass.
00:39:01No, I don't think a firefighter would do that.
00:39:03Go, take care of it. Let me know how she is.
00:39:05Thank you. Go.
00:39:08(GROANS)
00:39:10Woody Harrelson. Smallest dick I've ever seen on a man.
00:39:14(BOTH LAUGHING)
00:39:16See, that's why I watch these things.
00:39:18That's like a cool behind-the-scenes thing that you wouldn't know.
00:39:20Oh, hey, listen, try this.
00:39:22I told my weed guy to step it up and he gave me that.
00:39:25What is it?
00:39:26It's called "Mind Rape." It's actually pretty mellow.
00:39:29It doesn't sound very mellow.
00:39:30Well, he only had three other batches.
00:39:32"Gorilla Panic,"
00:39:33"They're Coming, They're Coming,"
00:39:35and something called, "This is Permanent."
00:39:37Go on, spark it up.
00:39:44(COUGHING)
00:39:45There you go. You got it.
00:39:47(LAUGHS)
00:39:49Nice. Good, huh? Good job.
00:39:53Yeah. Take pride in that.
00:39:55You know, this place looks great.
00:39:57Thanks, man, it's all IKEA.
00:39:59Did the whole place for $47.
00:40:00Nice. Yeah.
00:40:02How are the neighbors?
00:40:04You know, there's an Asian family living next door
00:40:06but they don't have a gong or nothing, so it's not too bad.
00:40:08That's lucky. Yeah, it is.
00:40:11How's work? It sucks.
00:40:13You?
00:40:14You know, not bad actually.
00:40:15I met a girl. She's a cashier.
00:40:17No way, that's awesome! Yeah.
00:40:18Well, we should fucking double-date, or something.
00:40:20You, me and Lori, and what's her name?
00:40:22White trash name. Guess.
00:40:24Mandy? No.
00:40:27Marilyn? No.
00:40:28Britney? Tiffany? No. No.
00:40:30Candice? No.
00:40:31Don't fuck with me on this. I know this shit!
00:40:33Do you see me fucking with you? All right, speed round.
00:40:35I'm going to rattle off some names
00:40:36and when I hit it, fucking buzz it.
00:40:37I will tell you. You got me?
00:40:39All right, Brandi, Heather, Channing,
00:40:40Breanna, Amber, Sabrina, Melody,
00:40:41Dakota, Sierra, Bambi, Crystal,
00:40:42Samantha, Autumn, Ruby, Taylor, Tara, Tami,
00:40:44Lauren, Charlene, Chantal, Courtney, Misty, Jenny, Krista,
00:40:47Mindy, Noelle, Shelby, Trina, Reba, Cassandra,
00:40:49Nikki, Kelsey, Shawna, Jolene, Earline, Claudine,
00:40:51Savannah, Kasey, Dolly, Kendra, Carla, Chloe, Devon, Emmylou.
00:40:53Fucking Becky? No.
00:40:55Wait, was it any one of those names with a "Lynn" after it?
00:40:58Yes.
00:40:59I got you, motherfucker.
00:41:00I got you. Okay.
00:41:02Brandi-Lynn, Heather-Lynn, Channing... Tami-Lynn.
00:41:03Fuck!
00:41:08What the hell?
00:41:09Hey, man, you think you can open more than one register?
00:41:11There's, like, 1,000 people here.
00:41:13There's supposed to be three registers open.
00:41:15For God's sakes.
00:41:22(WOMAN MOANING)
00:41:25(TED GRUNTING)
00:41:30TED: Stick your finger in the loop of my tag.
00:41:34You had sexual intercourse with a co-worker
00:41:37on top of the produce that we sell to the public.
00:41:40I fucked her with a parsnip last week
00:41:42and I sold the parsnip to a family with four small children.
00:41:46That took guts. We need guts.
00:41:50I'm promoting you.
00:41:52You got a lot of problems, don't you?
00:42:08All right, Kareem!
00:42:09(GLASS SHATTERING)
00:42:10Ah! You suck, Kareem.
00:42:15(BOTTLE TINKLING)
00:42:19Hello?
00:42:24Huh.
00:42:29Hey, Ted. (EXCLAIMS)
00:42:32Hey there, fella. How are you?
00:42:35Are you out here all alone?
00:42:37Uh, no, no, I'm not.
00:42:39You know, you're never alone when you're with Christ.
00:42:42So, no, I'm not alone.
00:42:44Yeah. Me, too.
00:42:50You know, Robert and I could give you a very, very good home.
00:42:53Yeah, I'm pretty happy where I am.
00:42:56I just got a shitty new apartment...
00:42:57I can offer you $6,000 in rail road bonds.
00:43:01Well, you know, since I just returned
00:43:03from active duty in the Civil War
00:43:05that actually sounds very appealing.
00:43:06Oh, wait, I'm sorry.
00:43:07That was 150 years ago and I don't give a shit.
00:43:11Okay.
00:43:15Teddy, come on, we're going to be late for dinner with your friends.
00:43:17Okay, be there in a second, baby.
00:43:19As you can see, my dance card is quite full.
00:43:21So, I'm going to have to decline.
00:43:23Can I just get a hug?
00:43:25Oh, uh. No.
00:43:27Yeah. No, no.
00:43:29And it kills me to have to tell you no, because I'm a people pleaser.
00:43:32Yeah.
00:43:33Thank you for creeping up my night.
00:43:35And Jesus be with you... Okay.
00:43:37...In Christ.
00:43:39TAMI-LYNN: Who was that guy?
00:43:41That was Sinead O'Connor.
00:43:43She don't look so good no more.
00:43:49How great is this? The four of us out to dinner.
00:43:51How long have we been saying we were going to...
00:43:53Lori, how you doing? I haven't talked to you in forever.
00:43:56I'm good. I'm good.
00:43:58The company's having their 20th anniversary party next week.
00:44:00So, that's something.
00:44:02Lori's a senior VP at a big, huge PR firm.
00:44:04It's not that big of a deal.
00:44:06Company's turning 20, huh?
00:44:08So you can bang it, but you can't get it drunk.
00:44:10(LAUGHING) Right? Yeah, she gets it.
00:44:13She enjoys my humor.
00:44:16Yeah, Rex is having a house party
00:44:18but I'm surprised John didn't tell you, considering
00:44:20you two have seen each other every single day since you moved out.
00:44:24You know, it's funny, because whenever Johnny and I hang out
00:44:27the first item on our agenda is,
00:44:29"What's going on with Lori?"
00:44:31So, it's funny that that didn't come up.
00:44:33That must have slipped through the cracks.
00:44:34Yeah, but we do talk about you all the time.
00:44:36Yeah, you remember the other day, I was saying
00:44:37how great Lori's hair always looks.
00:44:40Oh, my God, it always looks so great!
00:44:42I always want to fucking brush it.
00:44:44Right, Johnny? I say that.
00:44:48So, Tami-Lynn,
00:44:50why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself?
00:44:52Like, where are you from?
00:44:54I'm always fascinated to meet Ted's girlfriends.
00:44:57What do you mean "girlfriends"?
00:44:58Was there a lot of them or something?
00:45:00No, that's not what she meant at all. Right, Lori?
00:45:03Lori, you didn't mean that. No, no,no.
00:45:04What I meant to say was Ted's very handsome
00:45:06so I'm always interested in meeting
00:45:08the lady that can snatch him up.
00:45:11Did you just call me a whore?
00:45:12What?
00:45:13You just worry about your own "snatch." How about that, honey?
00:45:16Whoa! Whoa! JOHN: Whoa!
00:45:17What the hell happened? We're having a friendly meal here.
00:45:19This was a nice evening.
00:45:20Don't talk shit to me.
00:45:21I just asked you a question.
00:45:23You know, you're a freaking snob.
00:45:24You think you're cool because you work
00:45:25at some fucking fancy shit place, whatever.
00:45:27Okay, take it easy. Nice, Lori, real nice.
00:45:29Me? It's not my fault she can't speak English.
00:45:32Oh, fuck you!
00:45:33Just because you're on the business world and shit you think, what,
00:45:35everybody should suck your asshole, or something?
00:45:37Okay. All right, Tami, come on, honey. Let's get out of here.
00:45:39We'll go back to my place for a couple of vodka and strawberry Quiks.
00:45:42You know what? I gave birth once, bitch.
00:45:44I could kick your fucking ass.
00:45:45And you better never show your face around Quincy, you hear me?
00:45:47Okay, come on. Ever!
00:45:49I didn't know you had a baby. Is it alive?
00:45:50(SIGHS)
00:45:52What a cunt.
00:45:53Ow! I hate that word!
00:45:55What? That word.
00:45:56It's so sharp, it's like an electric sword
00:45:58slashing everything in its path.
00:45:59Why would you say that?
00:46:00You didn't exactly stand up for me.
00:46:02I'm trying to walk a line, here.
00:46:04I want to be fair to you and to him, you know?
00:46:05I think you're being a little more fair to him.
00:46:07Oh, come on.
00:46:09You know, your boss called this morning asking me how my arm was.
00:46:14Huh?
00:46:15Yeah, because of that dog fight that I tried to break up.
00:46:19Oh.
00:46:20If I had to make a guess
00:46:22I would say that you made up some bullshit excuse
00:46:24to get out of work to go to Ted's.
00:46:25Now, am I right?
00:46:29I made you out to be a hero.
00:46:30You know what, John, we asked Ted to move out
00:46:32so we can give ourselves a chance without him.
00:46:34You're not giving anything a chance
00:46:36if you keep blowing off work to get high with your teddy bear.
00:46:40You're right.
00:46:42I've been getting stoned too much. I know that.
00:46:44I've been bumming around with Ted too much. I know that, too.
00:46:48You give me one more chance, I promise I can fix it.
00:46:51John, I need a man. Not a little boy with a teddy bear.
00:46:55I know, done. Man. Right here, in front of you, all right?
00:46:58Look at these pecs. These are man pecs.
00:47:01Look at the hair on my upper lip. That's man hair.
00:47:04I just farted. That was a man fart.
00:47:06(GIGGLES)
00:47:13Fine, John, but this is, I swear to God, your last chance.
00:47:18Trust me. I love you.
00:47:20All right, I love you.
00:47:21I love you so much. You won't be sorry, I swear.
00:47:24Did you really just fart?
00:47:26Yeah, but I pushed it that way with my hand.
00:47:29I wonder who it's going to hit first.
00:47:31So, if I told him once, I told him a million times
00:47:33these numbers do not add up. (GAGGING)
00:47:36Who did this to us?
00:47:38God damn it! I'm here on business!
00:47:42(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
00:47:45LORI: All right, here we go.
00:47:47(DOORBELL RINGING)
00:47:50I'm really glad that you came.
00:47:52Me, too. Yeah?
00:47:53Is it okay if I kick your boss's ass?
00:47:55That won't affect your workplace chemistry, will it?
00:47:57Please play nice.
00:47:59For you, I will.
00:48:00Thank you. Anything.
00:48:04There she is. I was worried you weren't coming.
00:48:07Hey, squirt, how you doing? Where's your bunny rabbit?
00:48:10He's a bear.
00:48:11Got it. Oh, my God! This house is fucking huge!
00:48:15I know. Try not to get lost. Come on in.
00:48:17(PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC)
00:48:28Wow! Here are the ladies.
00:48:31Look at you guys. You guys look amazing.
00:48:34A little heavy on the eye makeup, but pretty good.
00:48:36Thank you, Rex. Thank you.
00:48:37You guys know Lori and Jim, right?
00:48:38John.
00:48:39You guys remember John. WOMEN: Hi.
00:48:41Listen, why don't John and I go get a drink at the bar?
00:48:46Sure.
00:48:47Great, we'll be right back. Come on, buddy.
00:48:51It's an old sweater, huh?
00:48:53This is Wade Boggs' autographed bat.
00:48:56I just barely outbid Phil Donahue for that at auction.
00:48:58Wow, cool.
00:48:59Yeah, cool.
00:49:01These boxing gloves were worn by Joe Louis in his first fight.
00:49:06This is art. Get it?
00:49:10These were John Lennon's glasses.
00:49:12They're worth, like, a million dollars.
00:49:14That's me and Tom Skerritt.
00:49:16Oh.
00:49:17Check this out.
00:49:20It's Lance Armstrong's nut.
00:49:22I had it freeze-dried and bronzed.
00:49:24Every now and then when my life's
00:49:26getting me down and things are tough,
00:49:28I just come up here and I look at it.
00:49:32And it reminds me that things aren't so bad.
00:49:38Sometimes you feel like a nut.
00:49:41Sometimes you don't.
00:49:44So, talk to me, Johnny Quest. How are things with you and Lori?
00:49:48Things are great, actually.
00:49:49That's great. That is great.
00:49:53You know, Lori would hate me for saying this,
00:49:56but she told me how you are at the office.
00:49:58And, as one gentleman to another, I just want to say
00:50:00I really hope you fucking get Lou Gehrig's disease.
00:50:02(CHUCKLES)
00:50:04(STAMMERS)
00:50:06I think I need to clear the air here a little.
00:50:08Yeah, I'm kind of a fun-time boss and what-not.
00:50:11But, look, man, I do that with everybody at the office.
00:50:14I'm a kook.
00:50:16I have no designs on your girlfriend.
00:50:18We work together, and that's it.
00:50:20I think you're a great guy and she's a very lucky girl.
00:50:25Well, that's good to hear.
00:50:27Yeah.
00:50:28(CELL PHONE RINGING)
00:50:30Excuse me.
00:50:32Hey, Ted.
00:50:33TED: Johnny, where are you? You got to get over here, man.
00:50:35Why, what's going on?
00:50:36Okay, so I'm having a little impromptu thing
00:50:38with some people at my apartment.
00:50:39And, John, Sam Jones is here.
00:50:42What?
00:50:43Sam Jones. Flash-fucking-Gordon is here.
00:50:46Holy shit! What?
00:50:47You remember I said my buddy's cousin is friends with Sam Jones?
00:50:50My buddy's in town with his cousin,
00:50:51and who do you think is with him? Sam Jones.
00:50:53Sam Jones is here, and, John,
00:50:56(WHISPERS) his hair is parted down the middle.
00:50:59Just like in the movie.
00:51:01Yes. Get over here right now.
00:51:03Fuck, I can%!
00:51:04I'm with Lori here. I'm already on probation.
00:51:09I can't.
00:51:10John, Flash Gordon was the most important influence of our formative years.
00:51:13He taught us right from wrong, good from evil.
00:51:16And that the word "acting" apparently
00:51:18has an extremely broad definition.
00:51:20Flash Gordon is the symbol of our friendship, John.
00:51:23Come share this with me.
00:51:26I'm coming.
00:51:28Rex, I got to go.
00:51:30I'll be back in 30 minutes tops, okay?
00:51:33But Lori cannot find out. She absolutely cannot know I was gone.
00:51:36If you can cover for me, I'm cool with all that other shit.
00:51:39I got your back on this. She won't know. I've been there.
00:51:42All right, this is one man to another.
00:51:43I don't really know you, but I'm trusting you, as a man.
00:51:46This is serious.
00:51:47Dude, one man to another. I got you on this.
00:51:51Thank you. I'll be back.
00:51:54I'm going to have sex with your girlfriend.
00:52:06(TIRES SCREECHING)
00:52:38Johnny, thank Christ you made it.
00:52:40Dude, I got 10 minutes. Where's Flash Gordon?
00:52:42Okay, get ready.
00:52:43Hey, Sam, this is the guy I was telling you about.
00:52:46(THEME SONG PLAYING)
00:52:53(SINGING) Flash!
00:52:54A-ah!
00:52:56Savior of the universe!
00:53:06Flash!
00:53:08A-ah!
00:53:09He'll save every one of us!
00:53:14Just a man with a man's courage
00:53:20He knows nothing but a man
00:53:23But he can never fail
00:53:28No one but the pure in heart Can find the golden grail
00:53:47How you doing? Good to meet you.
00:53:50I thank you for saving every one of us.
00:53:52Well, you're welcome.
00:53:53(SQUEALS EXCITEDLY) He acknowledged it.
00:53:55Let's do some shots.
00:53:56With you?
00:53:57Ch, my God, yes! Ch, my God, yes!
00:53:59Let's go!
00:54:04Thanks, Flash.
00:54:05There you go, my friend. Thank you.
00:54:07Death to Ming!
00:54:09Yes!
00:54:13You know, you guys seem pretty cool.
00:54:15You like to party?
00:54:18Uh...
00:54:19Cocaine, right?
00:54:20Come on, dudes. Don't tell me you never done it before.
00:54:24Not recently, no.
00:54:26I thought that was just for people in Florida.
00:54:28You better follow me.
00:54:29Come on.
00:54:31Johnny, I'm frightened.
00:54:33(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
00:54:41We are going to party like the '80s.
00:54:44Show us how, Flash.
00:54:45It's easy.
00:54:46We just gotta nail a lot of girls named Stephanie.
00:54:49God, Johnny, I got so much energy.
00:54:51We better start doing stupid shit.
00:54:53(SINGING)
00:55:01Look, Johnny, if we're ever going to
00:55:03get serious about opening a restaurant
00:55:04we got to start planning it now.
00:55:05Italian. Italian, yes.
00:55:06What's the special on Tuesdays? Eggplant parm.
00:55:08Chopped salad, half price.
00:55:09And it's a non-restricted place.
00:55:10Yeah. What do you mean? Anybody can come.
00:55:12Of course. Jews are welcome.
00:55:14Well, yeah. Why wouldn't they be?
00:55:15Exactly, that's what I'm saying.
00:55:16Why even bring that up?
00:55:17You don't bring it up, you just let them in.
00:55:19Why mention it? No one will.
00:55:20Why are we talking about it?
00:55:21You're talking about it. I'm just saying, let them in.
00:55:23Let them in. Right. Okay. Exactly. Good.
00:55:25No Mexicans, though.
00:55:26(SINGING)
00:55:29This is how everybody sang in the '90s.
00:55:31(SINGING)
00:55:43Trust me, I can do this. Shut up.
00:55:45Let him try it, man.
00:55:46All right, fuck it.
00:55:49(GUESTS CHEERING)
00:55:51ALL: Go, go, go!
00:55:57(SCREAMING)
00:56:01You son of a bitch!
00:56:03Well, you never should have trusted me. I'm on drugs.
00:56:05(SINGING)
00:56:14Hey, Johnny, I just had a great idea.
00:56:16Let's go get drunk and puke on cars from the overpass.
00:56:18Come on, I do not sound that much like Peter Griffin.
00:56:22(SINGING)
00:56:24You can do any '90s song with just vowels.
00:56:26(SINGING)
00:56:33A-E-I-O-U
00:56:39See? There, proof. Garfield's eyes look like a pair of tits.
00:56:42You were right.
00:56:43If you can punch through this wall, you really are Flash Gordon.
00:56:46Are you going to do it?
00:56:47I'm going to punch through it.
00:56:48Come on, Sam, do it! Do it!
00:56:50(PLASTER SMASHING) Oh, my God!
00:56:54Yes! He did it!
00:56:56(SHOUTING IN CANTONESE)
00:56:57What the hell you problem?
00:56:58You break my wall! I break you wall!
00:57:01(WOMEN EXCLAIMING)
00:57:02(SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
00:57:05Break his arm off!
00:57:06We're going to die. We're all going to die.
00:57:08Break this up, break this up.
00:57:10Get him!
00:57:11(YELLING)
00:57:12MING: You break my wall! This my home long time.
00:57:15You break my wall, you bastard men.
00:57:17We're sorry, it was an accident, okay?
00:57:18I try to make duck dinner, now plaster everywhere.
00:57:21Chill out. Can we just talk about this? What's your name? I'm John.
00:57:24My name is Wan Ming.
00:57:25Ming?
00:57:27You pay many dollar for wall!
00:57:28This bullshit! This all bullshit!
00:57:31Death to Ming!
00:57:39(ALL CHEERING)
00:57:41(SQUAWKING)
00:57:51(SNARLS)
00:57:55(SCREAMS)
00:57:57Rape!
00:57:58(YELLING)
00:58:01Sam, let him go.
00:58:07You crazy! You crazy, man!
00:58:10Come on, James Franco.
00:58:14You pay for wall!
00:58:17Move, sucker!
00:58:36Greatest night ever!
00:58:45(SIGHS)
00:58:49Hey.
00:58:51Hey, GUY-
00:58:52What's going on?
00:58:54This is Jared. He's the guy who beat me up.
00:58:57And we're in love.
00:58:59Huh?
00:59:00Turns out I'm gay, or whatever.
00:59:04I had no idea.
00:59:06Hey, Jared, let's go grab another one of these.
00:59:13SAM: How we doing, ace?
00:59:15You coming down?
00:59:16Yeah, I don't feel so good.
00:59:18Give it a couple of hours. You'll be golden, Ponyboy.
00:59:22You want a Xanax?
00:59:25Holy shit. Oh, my God.
00:59:26What?
00:59:28I got to go.
00:59:38Lori, I...
00:59:40Lori!
00:59:43Lori, wait, please.
00:59:46Look, I'm sorry, I messed up...
00:59:48John, I need you out of the apartment tonight.
00:59:51Can I... Just give me the car keys.
00:59:52Can I please just explain? No.
00:59:54Look, I was...
00:59:55I have given up a huge chunk of my life for you.
00:59:58I was going to stop in for like five minutes and then Flash Gordon...
01:00:01Just give me the car keys.
01:00:13Lori.
01:00:15Lori, please, I love you.
01:00:30Johnny, there you are. I had to get some air.
01:00:33That guy from your office is in there on the couch
01:00:35making outwith that Van Wilder-looking guy.
01:00:37You know what? Fuck you. I don't even want to talk to you.
01:00:40What?
01:00:41Do you know what just happened?
01:00:44Do you have any clue? My fucking life just ended!
01:00:47Come on. She'll go home,
01:00:48she'll watch Bridget Jones- something-asshole.
01:00:50She'll have a good cry, she'll be fine. You'll talk to her tomorrow.
01:00:53Come on upstairs. Are you even listening to me?
01:00:55Do you give any shred of a shit?
01:00:58Of course I do, Johnny.
01:01:00"Thunder buddies for life," remember?
01:01:02Jesus! Lori was right.
01:01:04I should have stopped hanging out with you a long time ago.
01:01:07I'm never going to have a life with you around.
01:01:09I'm 35 years old and I'm going nowhere.
01:01:12All I do is smoke pot and watch movies with a teddy-fucking-bear.
01:01:15Because of that, I just lost the love of my life.
01:01:18Johnny, I'm...
01:01:20I'm sorry.
01:01:21I gotta be on my own, Ted. I can't see you anymore.
01:01:26John, wait. Listen.
01:01:29RECORDED TOY VOICE: I love you!
01:02:30So, word through the grapevine is that you're
01:02:34newly solo.
01:02:35Rex, I have a lot of work I need to get to.
01:02:37I have tickets to Norah Jones at the Hatch Shell tonight
01:02:40and I would love it if you would go with me.
01:02:43You're asking me out a week after I broke up with somebody?
01:02:47Look, I'm going to cut the shit, here.
01:02:49Please.
01:02:50This is the first time that you've been single
01:02:54in all the years you've worked here.
01:02:56Just go out with me one time.
01:02:59And if you're miserable and you hate it
01:03:00then I promise I will never even hint at the subject again.
01:03:06Please.
01:03:07Rex, I don't think it's smart.
01:03:09I'm an asshole, I know that.
01:03:11It worked for me in high school,
01:03:13and it's been a reflex ever since.
01:03:15Lori, the worst that can happen
01:03:17is that you go on a fun, casual date
01:03:20with a guy who just wants a chance
01:03:22to prove that he can be something more than a jerk.
01:03:25Plus, you are a huge catch.
01:03:28And it's about time someone treated you that way.
01:03:32(SIGHS) Fuck it. Fine.
01:03:34Fine. It sure as hell beats crying myself to sleep every night.
01:03:37And if that means getting you off my back,
01:03:39well, that's just a bonus.
01:03:40I'll pick you up at 8:00.
01:03:47(KNOCK ON DOOR)
01:03:49Johnny. It's me.
01:03:52Go away.
01:03:54Johnny, open the door, please, I want to talk.
01:04:02(GRUNTING)
01:04:06Jesus Christ! What the fuck, man?
01:04:08Sorry. Look, Johnny, I know you're pissed, all right?
01:04:11But just listen to me for five seconds.
01:04:13I saw Lori leaving the apartment with Rex.
01:04:15What?
01:04:16I'm serious, John. I went over to talk to her
01:04:18and maybe take some of the heat off you.
01:04:19And there he was, picking her up.
01:04:21They were going to the Hatch Shell.
01:04:22You're fucking unbelievable, you know that?
01:04:24How stupid do you think I am?
01:04:26If you think that by making shit like that up
01:04:28you're going to make me choose some kind of loyalty to you
01:04:30over her you're out of your fucking mind.
01:04:31Johnny, it's the truth, I'm telling you.
01:04:33You know what? Get out of here.
01:04:36You know what? You're acting like a cock. You know that?
01:04:39What? I'm acting like a cock?
01:04:40Yes, you are.
01:04:41So shut your meat hole for a second and listen to me.
01:04:43Huh? Meat hole? What?
01:04:45That's not right, is it? No.
01:04:47"Pudding hole"? Is that what they say?
01:04:49No, it can't be that either.
01:04:50Because, "How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?"
01:04:53(CHUCKLES) Right? Pink Floyd.
01:04:56Look, the point is, you're blaming me
01:04:58for something that you did to yourself.
01:05:00Lori was right about you.
01:05:01You cannot take responsibility for anything that goes on in your life.
01:05:05Oh, and you can?
01:05:06I don't have to. I'm a fucking teddy bear.
01:05:09You know something? I didn't tie you up and drag you to that party.
01:05:12I wanted you to come because you're supposedly my best friend.
01:05:15You can't stand there and tell me
01:05:17that you haven't always seen Lori as a threat to our friendship.
01:05:19It works out so much better for you
01:05:20when you and I are getting fucked up
01:05:22on the couch at 9:00 a.m., doesn't it?
01:05:23(SCOFFS) Listen to yourself.
01:05:24What am I? Emperor Ming, here, controlling your mind?
01:05:27That's your choice, John.
01:05:29And by blaming me, you, you're just
01:05:31making yourself look like a pussy.
01:05:35Sometimes I think back to that Christmas morning
01:05:37when I was eight years old.
01:05:38I wish I had just gotten a Teddy Ruxpin.
01:05:41Say that one more time.
01:05:43Teddy Rux-fucking-pin!
01:06:09JOHN: Shit!
01:06:12(GROANING)
01:06:15Fuck, man!
01:06:18(PANTING)
01:06:24(YELLING)
01:06:33(GROANS)
01:06:56(COUGHS)
01:07:01Ow! Fuck! Cocksucker!
01:07:04Fucking stop! Fuck!
01:07:08(GROANS)
01:07:09(COUGHS)
01:07:18(SOBBING) Why are you crying?
01:07:19My dick is squished by the TV.
01:07:33I'm so sorry, Johnny.
01:07:35So am I, man.
01:07:37I love you.
01:07:38I love you, too.
01:07:40Listen.
01:07:42You got to let me help you make things right with you and Lori.
01:07:45There's no putting things right. She fucking hates me.
01:07:48No, John. We can get her back.
01:07:52Look,
01:07:54you remember when you were 10,
01:07:56and you hit that squirrel with your BB gun?
01:07:59And then when we saw it fall from the tree,
01:08:01we both started crying, you remember?
01:08:03And then we ran up to it
01:08:04and we tried to give it CPR, and it came back to life.
01:08:09John, we could do that again.
01:08:11Ted,
01:08:12we crushed its ribcage and blew out its lungs trying to give it CPR.
01:08:15It died.
01:08:17Come on. We're going to the Hatch Shell.
01:08:21(MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING)
01:08:28(SINGING)
01:09:02(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
01:09:09Yeah!
01:09:10Thanks. We're going to take a short break, but we'll be back in a few.
01:09:21TED: Play Chopsticks, you jazzy slut.
01:09:23Teddy!
01:09:24(LAUGHS)
01:09:25How are you?
01:09:26How are you doing, you fuzzy little asshole?
01:09:28Well, I'm not a hot, half-Muslim chick
01:09:30who sold 37 million records, but I'm hanging in there.
01:09:33Half-Indian, but thanks.
01:09:35Yeah, whatever. Thanks for 9/11.
01:09:36Listen, I want you to meet a good pal of mine, all right?
01:09:38John Bennett, Norah Jones.
01:09:40Hi, Norah Jones.
01:09:41Hey, there, sweaty.
01:09:45You ready to bring down the house?
01:09:47Yes, ma'am. Thank you for the opportunity, Miss...
01:09:50Ma'am Jones. Thank you.
01:09:52Jesus, you look fantastic.
01:09:54Well, you're probably not used to seeing me fully clothed.
01:09:56Yeah, I know, right?
01:09:58Me and Norah met in 2002 at a party at Belinda Carlisle's house
01:10:02and we had awkward fuzzy sex in the coatroom.
01:10:04Actually, you weren't so bad for a guy with no penis.
01:10:06You know, I have written so many angry letters to Hasbro about that.
01:10:10(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
01:10:12NORAH: Thank you.
01:10:13Now, I'm going to give my chops a rest
01:10:15and bring a friend up to the stage.
01:10:17He's going to sing a song to a special lady
01:10:19in the audience who he loves very much.
01:10:21Please give a big hand to John Bennett.
01:10:28Oh, my God.
01:10:30Holy shit!
01:10:35I gotta fuck her again.
01:10:37Uh...
01:10:38Hi, my name is John Bennett,
01:10:42and this is for Lori Collins.
01:10:45Because I love you.
01:10:48This song always reminds me of the most important night of my life.
01:10:53The night we met.
01:10:55This is the theme song from the movie Octopussy.
01:10:59(PLAYING THEME SONG)
01:11:03(SINGING) All I wanted was a sweet distraction For an hour or two
01:11:11Had no intention to do
01:11:16Still better than Katy Perry.
01:11:21Funny how it always goes with love
01:11:25When you don't look, you find
01:11:29But then we're two of a kind
01:11:34(IN FALSETTO) We move as one
01:11:37(AUDIENCE BOOING)
01:11:38We're an all time high
01:11:41You suck, get off the stage!
01:11:43Come on. Give him a chance.
01:11:45(AUDIENCE CONTINUES BOOING)
01:11:47Doing so much more
01:11:50You're an asshole!
01:11:52Than falling...
01:11:55(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)
01:11:58Oh, Jesus!
01:12:00Someone call an ambulance!
01:12:07(AUDIENCE SHOUTING)
01:12:11REX: That was insane.
01:12:13Did you see the way the guy's body hit the ground?
01:12:15He was like a ragdoll.
01:12:17Yeah, I'd rather just not talk about it.
01:12:19Do you want to go get a drink after this?
01:12:21I feel like I could use one after seeing a guy almost die.
01:12:24(CLEARS THROAT) No, I think I'd rather just have you take me home.
01:12:27One drink. Come on.
01:12:29No, not really feeling up to it.
01:12:31All right, I get it.
01:12:33And, you know, I don't blame you.
01:12:36I mean, when you think about it,
01:12:37it was actually really unfair of him to embarrass you like that.
01:12:42Just to be clear, I'm not embarrassed.
01:12:45Listen, John and I may have our problems, but at least he tried.
01:12:50You know what? I don't feel like talking to you about this.
01:12:53Where are you going?
01:12:54Taking a cab. I'm going home.
01:13:01(FARTING)
01:13:02Finally.
01:13:04(DOORBELL RINGING)
01:13:14TED: Down here.
01:13:16Not looking up your towel. Swear to God.
01:13:17Not looking up your towel. Not looking at your funny business.
01:13:20Ted, what are you doing here?
01:13:22I need to talk to you.
01:13:24Listen, if you're here to fight John's battles for him...
01:13:26Look, just let me talk first, all right?
01:13:28And then you can say whatever you want.
01:13:35(SIGHS) Look, John loves you very much,
01:13:38more than anything in the world,
01:13:40and he's falling to fucking pieces without you.
01:13:44He knows he screwed up huge
01:13:46but you've got to believe me it wasn't all his fault.
01:13:49I told him to bail on you that night at Rex's and he said, "No."
01:13:53He said "no," he was going to stay there with you, and I twisted his arm, Lori.
01:13:57So, if you just give him one more chance
01:14:00I promise I will leave and I'll never come back.
01:14:03All right? He'll be all yours.
01:14:06Ted, that's a really nice offer,
01:14:08but I don't want you to do that.
01:14:11This is between John and me and I don't think it can be fixed.
01:14:15Yeah, because of me!
01:14:17Look, Lori, you want him to be a man.
01:14:20But as long as he's got his teddy bear,
01:14:22he's always going to be a boy.
01:14:26He's waiting down at Charlie's right now.
01:14:29So, if you go down there and just talk to him
01:14:33I'll be gone when you get back.
01:14:36Forever.
01:14:37And, you'll see,
01:14:40he'll never be scared of thunder again.
01:15:27"Michelob Ultra Tuscan Orange Grapefruit."
01:15:31My God, America is imploding.
01:15:42Hi, Ted.
01:15:44Fuck!
01:16:04Lori, what...
01:16:06Hey.
01:16:07What are you doing here?
01:16:09You can thank Ted.
01:16:14Should I sit?
01:16:17Yeah, if you want.
01:16:19Okay.
01:16:23So, work's good? Everything good, there?
01:16:25Yeah. Yeah, work's good.
01:16:29I guess we can't make small talk all day, huh?
01:16:33If it's okay with you, I just want to say what I want to say.
01:16:38I could sit here and tell you I'm sorry,
01:16:39it was a huge misunderstanding,
01:16:41and I'm ready to change,
01:16:44but I don't think you want to hear any of that crap.
01:16:46I'm not going to try to get you to take me back.
01:16:49Why would you?
01:16:50I've been a really shitty boyfriend for the last four years.
01:16:52I don't deserve you.
01:16:55I know I didn't take our relationship seriously but, Lori,
01:16:58I do love you more than life itself.
01:17:02All I want is... I just want to end on good terms.
01:17:06I owe that to you.
01:17:07I want you to be happy. You deserve that.
01:17:10And I just hope that maybe we can still be friends.
01:17:16Thank you for being so honest.
01:17:21That's pretty much it.
01:17:26Thanks for coming by.
01:17:49(TED GRUNTING)
01:17:58TED: Whoa!
01:18:03Yeah, as you can see
01:18:05you've been a part of our family for quite some time.
01:18:10Welcome home.
01:18:12Yeah, it's kind of funny, actually.
01:18:13I got a lot of pictures of you guys at my house.
01:18:16Is he all mine, Daddy?
01:18:18Yes, he is, my little winner. Yes, he is.
01:18:22Ted, you've arrived at a lucky time.
01:18:24It's almost Robert's play hour.
01:18:26Yeah, I'm guessing you guys don't have a PS3.
01:18:29I'm guessing you're more of a "wooden horse with a wig" kind of family.
01:18:32Yeah.
01:18:34No. Yeah. No.
01:18:36Yeah.
01:18:45TED: Yeah, see, there's the guy.
01:18:47Now, Ted, you belong to Robert now, okay? You do as he says.
01:18:51You think you're just going to get away with a kidnapping?
01:18:53That's a nice fucking example you're setting...
01:18:55(SHOUTING) Language!
01:18:56Sorry. Sorry.
01:19:02You know, Ted, when I was a little boy,
01:19:08I saw you on television.
01:19:10And I thought you were the most amazing,
01:19:11most wonderful thing I'd ever seen. Ever.
01:19:15And I asked my dad if I could have a magical little teddy bear, too.
01:19:20And he said, "No."
01:19:22Can you just email me the rest of this story?
01:19:24And I was so heartbroken.
01:19:27And I promised myself that if I ever had a son,
01:19:30I would never, ever, ever say no to him.
01:19:37Even
01:19:39Maybe "no" to a Snickers bar every once in a while wouldn't hurt.
01:19:42Me and Ted are going to be best friends, Daddy.
01:19:44Yes, you are, my little chipmunk.
01:19:51Happy playtime.
01:19:55Jesus fucking Christ!
01:19:57I said a bad word one time.
01:20:00Daddy punished me for it.
01:20:01That's a great story. I felt like I was there.
01:20:04Daddy gave me an ouch.
01:20:06Now, I have to give you an ouch.
01:20:10(SCREAMING IN PAIN)
01:20:14All right, kid, you win. We'll do it your way.
01:20:16What do you want to do? You want to play a game?
01:20:18It's playtime, right? We'll play a game.
01:20:19Yeah, I want to play a game.
01:20:21Good, good. Let's see. How about we...
01:20:23How about we play a little game of hide and seek?
01:20:26I love hide and seek. I'll hide.
01:20:28Now, hang on a sec, there.
01:20:30Your dad likes you to show good manners. Right, Tubby McFat-Fuck?
01:20:34Okay. You hide first.
01:20:36Great. Fantastic.
01:20:37Okay, now you count to 100, and then you try to find me, okay?
01:20:41Okay.
01:20:43Do I need to wash my hands before I play this game?
01:20:47No. That's a weird fucking question. No, just start counting.
01:20:52One, two,
01:20:55three, four, five,
01:20:59six, seven...
01:21:02No peeking, now, or you'll get kid cancer.
01:21:04...eight, nine, ten,
01:21:08eleven, twelve, thirteen...
01:21:20(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
01:21:24(SINGING)
01:22:03(STAPLING) Ah!
01:22:05(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)
01:22:31Hey.
01:22:32Hey.
01:22:35You walking home alone, huh?
01:22:37Yeah.
01:22:39Do you need a lift?
01:22:40Oh, I'm okay.
01:22:42If I get raped, it'll be my fault for what I'm wearing.
01:22:45Listen, John.
01:22:49There's something that I need to say to you, too.
01:23:01(CELL PHONE RINGING)
01:23:06HEY HEY
01:23:08John, I hope that...?
01:23:11Listen, I don't want you to think that...
01:23:13(CELL PHONE RINGING)
01:23:16Sorry.
01:23:18I want us to keep talking because I think that maybe...
01:23:21(CELL PHONE RINGING)
01:23:22Go ahead.
01:23:23Whoever this is, it's not a good time.
01:23:25John, it's me. Can you hear me?
01:23:27Ted? Listen, I got to call you back.
01:23:29No, John, don't hang up! I'm in trouble.
01:23:32What do you mean? What kind of trouble?
01:23:33They got me. That freaky guy from the park,
01:23:35and that kid who I think is his son,
01:23:37but may also be his lover, I don't know.
01:23:38Whoa, whoa, slow down. Where are you?
01:23:40Uh...
01:23:41I'm not sure, it's...
01:23:42(DIAL TONE)
01:23:44Hello? Hello, John?
01:23:47Hello?
01:23:49You're not a very polite guest, are you?
01:23:51Shit!
01:23:53Ted, hello? Ted?
01:23:55What's the matter? Is he okay?
01:23:57I don't know. Where is he?
01:23:59I don't know. He just said he was in trouble.
01:24:01Can you call him back?
01:24:03No, it's blocked.
01:24:05Wait a second.
01:24:10Go. Take Columbus to Herald and get on the expressway.
01:24:16Hello, 911?
01:24:17I need the police right away.
01:24:19This guy took my teddy bear.
01:24:22Hello?
01:24:26TED: Let me out of here, you crazy bastard!
01:24:30I hear the fat kid running. I hear the fat kid running.
01:24:31I bet it's hilarious. Let me out of here!
01:24:34I am a citizen of the United States of America
01:24:36and I have rights! (GRUNTS)
01:24:40Robert, seatbelt.
01:24:42JOHN: It should be right here, somewhere.
01:24:46(ENGINE REVVING)
01:24:49Johnny!
01:24:50Whoa, whoa! Stop, stop! That's them, turn around!
01:24:59Stay with them.
01:25:04(HONKING)
01:25:08Hang gm
01:25:25(GASPS)
01:25:27Back off, Susan Boyle!
01:25:34Oh, my God! He's going to jump! Get closer.
01:25:41All right, easy. Come on, Ted.
01:25:46Shit! Yes!
01:25:47Hey, Johnny! Total T.J. Hooker, right?
01:25:50Yes! Fucking-A right!
01:25:51(LAUGHS)
01:25:53(BRAKES SCREECHING)
01:25:55Oh, shit!
01:26:01Go! Go!Go!
01:26:15Daddy!
01:26:18Let's see how well you know these streets.
01:26:22Where is he?
01:26:37(GRUNTING)
01:26:44Jesus!
01:26:58JOHN: There he is. Pull over.
01:27:08(PANTING)
01:27:15(GRUNTING)
01:27:30(GRUNTING)
01:27:32Where?
01:27:36ROBERT: No!
01:27:37You can't have my teddy bear!
01:27:47Holy shit.
01:27:49Sorry.
01:27:50Somebody had to go Joan Crawford on that kid.
01:27:52Come on.
01:27:59Ted?
01:28:06Oh, my God!
01:28:11Shit!
01:28:37(GASPING)
01:28:38JOHN: Jesus.
01:28:39Stay here. Just stay there! No, John!
01:28:52You're mine, Ted!
01:28:54Screw you, pal. I belong to John Bennett.
01:28:57But I can give you love, and rocking horses,
01:29:01and dancing.
01:29:03I think we're very far apart on this.
01:29:17(RIPPING)
01:29:26Ted!
01:29:56(POLICE SIREN WAILING)
01:30:16Oh, my God!
01:30:17Ted!
01:30:20John.
01:30:22Lori, get the stuffing. Get it all.
01:30:29Johnny.
01:30:31You're going to be okay, buddy. Do you understand?
01:30:33You're going to be fine.
01:30:35Jesus, I look like the robot from Aliens.
01:30:38No, look at me, buddy.
01:30:40I promise, you're going to be okay.
01:30:43I don't think so. I'm...
01:30:47I'm in trouble.
01:30:49I need.
01:30:51I need to tell you something.
01:30:53What is it?
01:30:56Don't ever lose her again.
01:31:00She's the most important...
01:31:02(COUGHING)
01:31:05...the most important part of your life.
01:31:09Even more than me.
01:31:13She's your thunder buddy now.
01:31:16She's...
01:31:35(THUNDER RUMBLING)
01:32:01I got it.
01:32:18Baby, I don't know if this is going to work.
01:32:21Please, just try.
01:32:32Come on, buddy.
01:32:53(SOBBING)
01:33:20I'm so sorry.
01:33:23You did everything you could.
01:33:26I'm so sorry.
01:33:29(THUNDER CRASHING)
01:35:46(SIGHS)
01:36:03Ted!
01:36:04I'm alive, Johnny!
01:36:05Oh, my God!
01:36:06I'm alive. Your magical wish worked!
01:36:09You're back!
01:36:11Yeah, I mean, when you sewed me up
01:36:13you put some of the stuffing in the wrong places
01:36:14so I'm a little fucked up.
01:36:16But will you take care of me forever and ever?
01:36:21(LAUGHS) I'm just kidding you. I thought it would be funny
01:36:23if you thought I was fucking retarded.
01:36:25You asshole!
01:36:27Come here, you bastard.
01:36:29(LAUGHING)
01:36:31Ah!
01:36:32Welcome back, Ted.
01:36:36It was you.
01:36:38YOU did it.
01:36:40Son of a bitch!
01:36:42You wished for my life back.
01:36:44No. No.
01:36:46I wished for my life back.
01:37:01I love you.
01:37:02I love you, too.
01:37:06And I want you to know that, after last night
01:37:09I don't ever want to lose anyone who matters to me ever again.
01:37:12I'm not going to wait any longer for my life to start.
01:37:15Lori,
01:37:18will you marry me?
01:37:21All I ever wanted was you, John Bennett.
01:37:29NARRATOR: And so John, Lori and Ted lived happily ever after.
01:37:34Having discovered at last, that all they really needed was each other.
01:37:41John and Lori were married in Cambridge
01:37:45by a very special Justice of the Peace.
01:37:49By the power vested in me
01:37:51by the New York Jets
01:37:55and by the united peoples of the planet Mongo,
01:37:59I now pronounce you man and wife.
01:38:03You may kiss the bride, Johnny.
01:38:09(CHEERING)
01:38:23(MOUTHING) Hi. Tom Skerritt.
01:38:27(MOUTHING) Tom Skerritt! Wow!
01:38:29Thanks so much for coming.
01:38:31My daughter better be alive, you sick son of a bitch.
01:38:35I am so fake-happy for her.
01:39:05You know, Sam, there's only one way to end a perfect day.
01:39:09What's that?
01:39:10Flash jump.
01:39:11Right.
01:39:13BOTH: One, two, three!
01:39:16Yeah!
01:39:22NARRATOR: And that's the story of how one magical wish
01:39:26forever changed the lives of three very special friends.
01:39:31Ted and Tami-Lynn continued their torrid love affair for quite some time.
01:39:35One afternoon, Ted was caught behind the deli counter
01:39:39eating potato salad off of Tami-Lynn's bare bottom.
01:39:42He was instantly promoted to store manager.
01:39:46Sam Jones moved back to Hollywood
01:39:48with the goal of restarting his film career.
01:39:51He currently resides in Burbank
01:39:53where he shares a studio apartment
01:39:56with his roommate, Brandon Routh.
01:39:57Remember Brandon Routh from that God-awful Superman movie?
01:40:01Jesus Christ!
01:40:03Thanks for getting our hopes up and taking a giant shit on us.
01:40:07Rex was forced to give up his pursuit of Lori.
01:40:10Not long afterward, he fell into a deep depression
01:40:13and died of Lou Gehrig's disease.
01:40:16Donny was arrested by Boston police
01:40:19and charged with kidnapping a plush toy.
01:40:22The charges were dropped when everyone realized
01:40:24how completely stupid that sounded.
01:40:27Robert got a trainer, lost a substantial amount of weight
01:40:31and went on to become
01:40:32Taylor Lautner.

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