Blazing Saddles

00:02:45Come on, boys!
00:02:47The way you're lollygagging around here with them picks and them shovels...
00:02:52...you'd think it was 120°...
00:02:55It cant' be more than 114.
00:03:01Dock that Chink a day's pay for napping on the job.
00:03:07Now, come on, boys, where's your spirit? I don't hear no singing.
00:03:13When you were slaves, you sang like birds.
00:03:17Go on. How about a good old nigger work song?
00:03:28"I get no kick from champagne.
00:03:35"Mere alcohol doesn't thrill me at all.
00:03:42"So tell me why should it be true...
00:03:47"... that I get a belt out of you?
00:03:55"Some get a kick from cocaine. "
00:04:03What the hell is that shit?
00:04:07I meant a song. A real song.
00:04:11Something like...
00:04:13"Swing low, sweet chariot... "
00:04:20Swing low? Sweet chariot?
00:04:23Don't know that one, huh?
00:04:26How about "De Camp Town Ladies"?
00:04:30"De Camp Town Ladies"?
00:04:36Ah, you know.
00:04:38"De Camp Town Ladies sing this song, doo-dah, doo-dah.
00:04:43"De Camp Town race track five miles long, all the doo-dah day!
00:04:48"Gonna run all night, gonna run all day.
00:04:51"Bet my money on the bobtailed nag, somebody bet on the bay!"
00:05:05What in the wide, wide world of sports is going on here?
00:05:09I hired you people to try to get a little track laid...
00:05:12...not to jump around like a bunch of Kansas City faggots!
00:05:16Sorry, Mr. Taggart. I, I guess we kind of got caught up.
00:05:19Dummy, the surveyors say they may have run into some quicksand up ahead.
00:05:22Better check it out.
00:05:24Okay, I'll send down a team of horses to check out the ground.
00:05:27Horses! We can't afford to lose any horses, you dummy!
00:05:32Send over a couple of niggers.
00:05:38You and you.
00:05:42Sir, he specifically requested two niggers...
00:05:46...but to tell a family secret, my grandmother was Dutch.
00:05:51Get on that hand car and take it down to the end of that line!
00:05:54Just trying to help you out.
00:05:58I didn't know your grandma was Dutch!
00:06:04"Oh, de Camp Town Ladies sing this song, doo-dah, doo-dah.
00:06:09"Camp Town race track five miles long, oh, doo-dah day.
00:06:15"Going to run all night, going to run all day.
00:06:19"I waged my money on the bobtail nag, somebody bet on the bay!"
00:06:28Am I wrong...
00:06:30...or is the world rising?
00:06:33I don't know, but whatever it is, I hate it.
00:06:41Let me ask you something.
00:06:43What is it that's not exactly water, and it's not exactly earth?
00:06:49Quicksand!
00:06:55Oh, shit, quicksand!
00:06:59Goddang, now we are in trouble!
00:07:01They're in trouble!
00:07:05Get your rope there. Get over there quick.
00:07:21Dang, that was lucky.
00:07:23Doggone near lost a $400 hand cart.
00:07:33Yeah, we can take it right off to the, just a little bit to the left of that hill.
00:07:38But we're going to die, Bart. They're going to leave us here to die!
00:07:42Take it easy, Charlie. My foot is on the rail.
00:07:52Then maybe down that canyon. I think it's pretty level off there.
00:07:55We can't swing back to the right 'cause of that hill there.
00:07:59That looks like the way we'll have to go from here.
00:08:02Yes, we'll put her right down through there over that ridge.
00:08:10Well, boys, the break is over.
00:08:12Don't just lay there getting a suntan.
00:08:15Won't do you any good, anyhow!
00:08:19Take that shovel and put her to some good use!
00:08:30What?
00:08:31Don't do that now!
00:08:36I have to.
00:08:37Send a wire to the main office and tell them I said... OW!
00:08:42Send wire, main office, tell them I said, "Ow". Gotcha.
00:08:54And right here, Mr. Lamarr, is where we ran into quicksand.
00:08:58Quicksand. Splendid.
00:09:01And so the railroad has got to go through Rock Ridge.
00:09:04Rock Ridge. Rock Ridge. Splendid.
00:09:07Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
00:09:09Rock Ridge. Rock Ridge.
00:09:11Be still, Taggart. Be still.
00:09:14My mind is aglow with whirling, transient nodes of thought...
00:09:18...careening through a cosmic vapor of invention.
00:09:22Ditto!
00:09:25Ditto? Ditto, you provincial putz!
00:09:30I'm sorry, sir.
00:09:32A plan. We need a plan.
00:09:35What in the hell was that?
00:09:45We can't hear ourselves think!
00:09:50Sorry, your Worship, but I've got two men home sick with the flu...
00:09:55...and it's utter chaos down here.
00:09:58I'll try to keep it as quiet as possible.
00:10:01But as you can see...
00:10:05...this one is a doozey.
00:10:09Yes, the Doctor Gillespie killings. Well, do your best.
00:10:18Now, let's see. Where were we?
00:10:20Rock Ridge.
00:10:23Yes, when that railroad goes through Rock Ridge...
00:10:26...that land will be worth millions, and I want it!
00:10:30I want that land so badly, I can taste it.
00:10:37There must be a way.
00:10:41Clumsy fool!
00:10:44Wait a minute! There might be a legal precedent.
00:10:47Of course! Land-snatching!
00:10:52Land. La-land. "See 'Snatch'."
00:10:58Haley vs. United States. Haley, seven. United States, nothing.
00:11:02You see, it can be done. It can be done.
00:11:06Unfortunately, there is one thing that stands between me and that property.
00:11:10The rightful owners.
00:11:12There must be some way of scaring them off, driving them out.
00:11:15Getting rid of every human being alive in that...
00:11:19It's down the hall and to the left.
00:11:22I've got it!
00:11:24What? What?
00:11:25I know how we can run everybody out of Rock Ridge.
00:11:28We'll kill the first-born male child in every household!
00:11:33Too Jewish.
00:11:40We'll work up a Number Six on them!
00:11:42I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that one.
00:11:44That's where we go riding into town...
00:11:47...and a-whapping and a-whooping every living thing...
00:11:49...that moves within an inch of its life!
00:11:52Except the women folks, of course.
00:11:54You spare the women?
00:11:55No, we rape the shit out of them at the Number Six dance later on!
00:12:00That's marvelous! That's so creative!
00:12:03Why, Taggart, you've been hurt!
00:12:05That uppity nigger hit me on the head with a shovel.
00:12:10I'd sure appreciate it, sir, if you could find it in your heart...
00:12:13...to hang him up by his neck until he was dead.
00:12:16Got him locked up downstairs.
00:12:18Consider it done, stout fellow.
00:12:29I've got a special. When can you work him in?
00:12:31I couldn't possibly fit him in until Monday, sir. I'm booked solid.
00:12:36Monday. Splendid.
00:12:44Thank you, sir. And don't you worry.
00:12:47We'll make Rock Ridge think it's a chicken...
00:12:50...that got caught in a tractor's nuts!
00:12:58It's all right, Taggart. Just a man and a horse being hung out there.
00:13:09"There was a peaceful town called Rock Ridge,
00:13:13"... where people lived in harmony.
00:13:18"They never had no kind of trouble.
00:13:23"There was no hint of misery.
00:13:32"The town saloon was always lively...
00:13:36"... but never nasty or obscene.
00:13:40"Behind the bar stood Anal Johnson.
00:13:44"He always kept things nice and clean!
00:13:49"And all at once the trouble started.
00:13:52"A pack of murderers and thieves...
00:13:55"... like swarms of locusts they descended...
00:13:59"... their aim to make the townsfolk flee. "
00:14:29Well, that's the end of this suit!
00:14:39Have you ever seen such cruelty?
00:14:46"Now is a time of great decision.
00:14:52"Are we to stay or up and quit?
00:14:59"There's no avoiding this conclusion.
00:15:07"Our town is turning into shit!"
00:15:20Well, I don't have to tell you good folks...
00:15:22...what has been happening here in our beloved town.
00:15:27Sheriff murdered, crops burned...
00:15:31...stores looted, people stampeded...
00:15:35...and cattle raped!
00:15:39Now the time has come to act. And act fast!
00:15:47I'm leaving.
00:15:49You get back here, you old pious, candy-ass sidewinder!
00:15:54There ain't no way that nobody is going to leave this town!
00:15:59Hell, I was born here and I was raised here...
00:16:03...and goddamn it, I'm going to die here!
00:16:06And no sidewinder, bushwhacking, hornswoggling...
00:16:10...cracker croaker, is going to ruin my biscuit-cutter!
00:16:21Now who can argue with that?
00:16:27I think we're all indebted to Gabby Johnson...
00:16:29...for clearly stating what needed to be said.
00:16:33I'm particularly glad that these lovely children...
00:16:35...were here today to hear that speech.
00:16:38Not only was it authentic frontier gibberish...
00:16:41...it expressed a courage little seen in this day and age!
00:16:47What are we made of?
00:16:49Our fathers came across the prairie...
00:16:52...fought Indians, fought drought, fought locusts, fought Dix!
00:16:56Remember when Richard Dix came in here and tried to take over this town?
00:17:01Well, we didn't give up then...
00:17:03...and by gum, we're not going to give up now!
00:17:13Olson Johnson is right!
00:17:15What kind of people are we, anyhow? I say we stay and fight it out!
00:17:21Dr. Samuel Johnson is right about Olson Johnson's being right.
00:17:26And I'm not giving up my ice cream parlor...
00:17:28...that I built with these two hands for nothing or nobody!
00:17:32Howard Johnson is right!
00:17:37Well, if we're going to stay, and I think it's a big mistake...
00:17:44...we're going to need a new sheriff. Now, who is it going to be?
00:17:49Why don't we wire the governor to send us a sheriff?
00:17:52Why should we get our own men killed?
00:17:55Howard Johnson is right. We'll wire the governor.
00:18:00Then let us pray for the deliverance of our new sheriff.
00:18:05Will the congregation please rise?
00:18:09I shall now read from the books of Matthew, Mark, Luke...
00:18:16...and duck!
00:18:27We've got to do something at once!
00:18:32Governor, may I disturb you for a moment, sir?
00:18:35If you will just sign this, governor. Right here.
00:18:39Yes, what the hell is it?
00:18:41Well, under the provisions of this bill...
00:18:42...we would snatch 200,000 acres of Indian territory...
00:18:46...which we have deemed unsafe for their use at this time.
00:18:48They're such children.
00:18:50200,000 acres! 200,000 acres!
00:18:53What will it cost, man? What will it cost?
00:18:57A box of these.
00:18:59Are you crazy? They'll never go for it, and then again they might.
00:19:02The little red devils, they love toys. May I try one?
00:19:08These things are defective.
00:19:13Right as usual, sir.
00:19:16Show-off!
00:19:17Just sign this, sir. Right here.
00:19:19Okay, give us a hand here.
00:19:22Work, work, work.
00:19:25Hello, boys, have a good night's rest? I missed you.
00:19:27Just one more bill for you to sign, sir.
00:19:30What is this?
00:19:31This is the bill that will convert the State Hospital for the Insane...
00:19:34...into the William J. Le Petomane Memorial Gambling Casino for the Insane.
00:19:38Gentlemen, this...
00:19:39...this bill will be a giant step forward...
00:19:42...in the treatment of the insane gambler.
00:19:44Yes, bravo! Beautiful.
00:19:49Thank you, Hedy. Thank you.
00:19:51It's not Hedy. It's Hedley. Hedley Lamarr.
00:19:54What the hell are you worried about?
00:19:56This is 1874. You'll be able to sue her.
00:20:11All right, help me in with this.
00:20:13Just, ah, think of your secretary.
00:20:15Ah, that was a very good suggestion.
00:20:18Okay, is that it? Anything else?
00:20:21Just this urgent telegram from Rock Ridge.
00:20:24It arrived last Friday.
00:20:26Read it, read it.
00:20:29"Sheriff murdered. Church meeting bombed. Reign of terror must cease.
00:20:33"Send new sheriff immediately. "
00:20:35Holy underwear!
00:20:37Sheriff murdered. Innocent women and children blown to bits!
00:20:41We've got to protect our phony-baloney jobs, gentlemen.
00:20:43We must do something about this immediately, immediately, immediately!
00:20:50I didn't get a "hrumph" out of that guy!
00:20:52Give the governor a "hrumph. "
00:20:54You watch your ass.
00:20:56Gentlemen, please, rest your sphincters.
00:20:58Well put.
00:21:00As Attorney General, I can assure you...
00:21:03...that a suitable sheriff will be found to restore the peace in Rock Ridge.
00:21:06Meeting is adjourned.
00:21:08Oh, I am sorry, sir. I didn't mean to overstep my bounds. You say that.
00:21:12What?
00:21:13- Meeting is adjourned. - It is?
00:21:14No. You say that, governor.
00:21:16- What? - Meeting is adjourned.
00:21:17It is?
00:21:18Here, play around with this for a while. They are sweeping the country.
00:21:23Why don't you give these out to some of the boys...
00:21:25...in lieu of pay? Here you go.
00:21:29And one for Miss Stein, my beloved secretary.
00:21:32Play with these, boys, in lieu of the other things.
00:21:36This friggin' thing is warped.
00:21:40Why do I always get a warped one?
00:21:45A sheriff! But law and order is the last thing I want.
00:21:51Wait a minute. Maybe I could turn this thing to my advantage.
00:21:57If I could find a sheriff who so offends the citizens of Rock Ridge...
00:22:02...that his very appearance would drive them out of town...
00:22:08But where would I find such a man?
00:22:11Why am I asking you?
00:22:22Welcome to Hanging House. Not to worry...
00:22:26...everyone is equal in my eye.
00:22:47Oh, not my ear!
00:22:52Governor!
00:22:56Official business, sir.
00:22:57Is it important?
00:22:59It's very crucial.
00:23:02Be with you in a minute.
00:23:03Throw something on and stay in that position.
00:23:08Forgive me, I was just, ah, walking the parapet, taking a look around.
00:23:12What can I do for you?
00:23:14Governor, as per your instructions...
00:23:15...I'd like you to meet the new sheriff of Rock Ridge.
00:23:18I'd be delighted... Wow!
00:23:21I've got to talk to you. Come here. Have you gone berserk?
00:23:23Can't you see that man is a nig...
00:23:30Wrong person. Forgive me. No offense intended.
00:23:34Have you gone berserk? Can't you see that man is a nig?
00:23:38Don't worry, sir.
00:23:40Now, Hedley, I've always trusted your judgment before...
00:23:42...but haven't you taken a giant leap away from your good senses?
00:23:44Please, don't fly off the handle, sir.
00:23:47I'm about to make you an historic figure.
00:23:50Maybe even get you a cabinet post.
00:23:53A cabinet post!
00:23:55Did you say that?
00:23:56Wonderful!
00:23:58Yes, the first man ever to appoint a black sheriff! Just think, sir...
00:24:02...Washington, Jefferson...
00:24:04...Lincoln.
00:24:05Le Petomane!
00:24:07Sir, you have the seeds of greatness in you.
00:24:10Nurse them, caress them, pour water on them.
00:24:13Don't short-change yourself, sir.
00:24:16It will never work. They'll kill him dead in one day!
00:24:20One day is all we'll need to secure your name in the annals of Western history.
00:24:24And to get for you a nomination for, dare I say...?
00:24:27Dare, dare!
00:24:28The Presidency!
00:24:30Hail to the Chief! Hail to the Chief!
00:24:42"Four score and seven years ago...
00:24:44"... our forefathers brought forth on this... "
00:24:48Are you coming back?
00:24:49In a moment, dear.
00:24:51Gentlemen, affairs of state must take precedent over the affairs of state.
00:24:56Yes, of course, sir, we understand.
00:24:58Will you make all the arrangements?
00:25:00I will make all the arrangements.
00:25:01Especially the funeral.
00:25:05Good luck, good luck, boys. Wonderful working with you. Good luck!
00:26:14Hurry up, get those flags up. He'll be here soon.
00:26:18I just got a telegram from the governor's office.
00:26:21The sheriff will be here at noon!
00:26:24Noon! I'd better rehearse my speech!
00:26:29"As Honorary Chairman of the Welcoming Committee...
00:26:33"... it is my privilege to extend to you a laurel and hearty handshake!"
00:26:39Wonderful!
00:26:41Excellent!
00:26:42Can you see him yet?
00:26:49The sheriff is coming!
00:26:51Ring out the church bell!
00:27:10Hey, the sheriff is a n...
00:27:14What did he say?
00:27:15The sheriff is near!
00:27:17No, no, dag blame it, gol darn it, the sheriff is a n...
00:27:43As Chairman of the Welcoming Committee...
00:27:46...it is my privilege to extend a laurel and hearty handshake to our new...
00:27:55...nigger.
00:28:25Excuse me while I whip this out.
00:28:34"By the power vested in me by...
00:28:36"... the Honorable William J. Le Petomane...
00:28:46"... I hereby assume the duties...
00:28:47"... of the Office of Sheriff in and for the Township of Rock Ridge. "
00:28:51Gentlemen, let us not allow anger to rule the day.
00:28:55As your spiritual leader, I implore you...
00:28:57...to pay heed to this good book and what it has to say.
00:29:03Son, you're on your own!
00:29:11Hold it!
00:29:12The next man makes a move, the nigger gets it!
00:29:20Hold it, men. He's not bluffing.
00:29:23Listen to him, men. He's just crazy enough to do it.
00:29:26Drop it! Or I swear I'll blow this nigger's head all over this town!
00:29:31Oh, Lordy, Lord, he's desperate! Do what he say! Do what he say!
00:29:53Isn't anybody going to help that poor man?
00:29:56Hush, Harriet. That's a sure way to get him killed.
00:30:00Help me, help me...
00:30:03...somebody help me!
00:30:07Shut up!
00:30:12Oh, baby, you are so talented.
00:30:17And they are so dumb!
00:30:28Goddamn it!
00:30:29I said, "Order"!
00:30:31You know, Nietzsche says, "Out of chaos comes order. "
00:30:37Oh, blow it out your ass, Howard!
00:30:41Now everyone be quiet...
00:30:44...whilst we listen to Harriet van Johnson, our esteemed schoolmarm...
00:30:51...as she reads a telegram that she herself has composed to the governor...
00:30:57...expressing our feelings about the new sheriff.
00:31:10"To the Honorable William J. Le Petomane, Governor. "
00:31:12Louder! Speak up! We can't hear you!
00:31:16I'm not used to public speaking.
00:31:20"We, the white, God-fearing citizens of Rock Ridge...
00:31:26"... wish to express our extreme displeasure...
00:31:30"... with your choice of sheriff.
00:31:33"Please remove him immediately.
00:31:38"The fact that you have sent him here... "
00:31:42"... just goes to prove that you are the leading asshole in the state. "
00:32:11The drunk in number two must be awake.
00:32:19Are we awake?
00:32:25We're not sure.
00:32:28Are we black?
00:32:31Yes, we are.
00:32:34Then we're awake. But we're very puzzled.
00:32:40I think I better straighten myself out.
00:32:46Need any help?
00:32:51All I can get.
00:33:04That's okay. Sit down over here.
00:33:18Hey, maybe you should eat something first.
00:33:20No, thanks. Food makes me sick.
00:33:33A man drinks like that and doesn't eat, he is going to die.
00:33:40When?
00:33:44What's your name?
00:33:45Well, my name is Jim, but most people call me...
00:33:52...Jim.
00:33:55Okay, Jim, since you are my guest and I am your host...
00:34:00...what is your pleasure? What do you like to do?
00:34:03Oh, I don't know. Play chess...
00:34:08...screw.
00:34:10Well, let's play chess.
00:34:16Checkmate.
00:34:20Checkmate.
00:34:21Why, you devious son-of-a-bitch!
00:34:24Happy days!
00:34:35Man, why do you do that to yourself?
00:34:38Oh, you don't really want to know that.
00:34:41I do, I do!
00:34:43Well, if you must pry.
00:34:45I must, I must!
00:34:47I don't know if you ever heard of me before, but...
00:34:51...I used to be called the Waco Kid.
00:34:57The Waco Kid. He had the fastest hands in the West!
00:35:02In the world!
00:35:04Well, if you're the Kid, then show me something.
00:35:08Maybe a couple of years ago I could have shown you something, but today...
00:35:16...look at that.
00:35:17Steady as a rock.
00:35:19Yes, but I shoot with this hand.
00:35:22See, I knew you weren't the Waco Kid. You were just pulling my lariat.
00:35:42See that king?
00:35:45Put your hands on both sides of it.
00:35:51Now when I say, "go," you try to grab it first.
00:35:55Man, that's no contest. You're a mile away.
00:36:03Anyway, when you hear the word "go," you just try to grab it.
00:36:09Ready?
00:36:30You looking for this?
00:36:36Well, raise my rent! You are the Kid!
00:36:41Was. Yeah, I was the Kid.
00:36:47What happened?
00:36:49Well, it got so that every piss-ant prairie punk...
00:36:52...who thought he could shoot a gun...
00:36:54...would ride into town to try out the Waco Kid.
00:37:00I must have killed more men than Cecil B. DeMille.
00:37:05It got pretty gritty.
00:37:07I started to hear the word "draw" in my sleep.
00:37:13Then one day...
00:37:15...I was just walking down the street and I heard a voice behind me say...
00:37:21..."Reach for it, mister!" I spun around.
00:37:28And there I was face to face...
00:37:32...with a 6-year-old kid!
00:37:39Well, I just threw my guns down and walked away.
00:37:46The little bastard shot me in the ass!
00:37:52So I limped to the nearest saloon, crawled inside a whiskey bottle...
00:37:59...and I've been there ever since.
00:38:05Have a drink.
00:38:13Anyway, that's all ancient history. Now you tell me your story.
00:38:18What's a dazzling urbanite like you doing in a rustic setting like this?
00:38:24If you really must pry.
00:38:26I must, I must!
00:38:33Well, back in '56...
00:38:36...my folks and I were part of this long wagon train...
00:38:40...moving West.
00:38:54Well, not exactly part of it.
00:38:58You might say we were bringing up the rear, when suddenly,
00:39:02...from out of the West, came the entire Sioux Nation!
00:39:06And let me tell you, baby, they were open for business!
00:39:14Naturally, the white folks didn't let us travel in their circle...
00:39:18...so we made our own.
00:39:56Shvartzes?
00:40:06Luzem gayen!
00:40:13Cop a walk. It's all right.
00:40:15Thank you.
00:40:18Abi gezunt. Take off.
00:40:29They're darker than us!
00:40:35And the rest is history.
00:40:39Impressed?
00:40:46Always like to keep my audience riveted.
00:41:42How about some more beans, Mr. Taggart?
00:41:44I'd say you've had enough!
00:41:50I understand there's a new sheriff in town. Who wants to kill him?
00:42:01Why don't we give him to Mongo?
00:42:08Holy shit, that's too cruel!
00:42:11I'll be danged! That is a unique idea!
00:42:23Down, boy, down, boy, down, Mongo!
00:42:26Hey, it's me. Taggart.
00:42:28Here, smell. Smell.
00:42:33That's a good Mongo.
00:42:36Hey, how about it? How would you like to mutilate that new sheriff?
00:42:46Have a cigar.
00:43:28Oh, by the way, I got a note this morning.
00:43:31From who?
00:43:32Well, I'm not sure. It was addressed to the Deputy Spade.
00:43:40Well, once I establish myself in this town...
00:43:43...Deputy Spade might turn out to be a groovy position.
00:43:57Listen, Bart, I want you to do me a favor.
00:44:01I don't want you going out there this morning.
00:44:03You can't win these people over, no matter what you do.
00:44:06They're just not going to accept you.
00:44:18I'm glad those fingers ain't loaded!
00:44:25Just like old times.
00:44:31Like I told you, once you establish yourself, they've got to accept you.
00:44:37Catch you later.
00:44:43Good luck.
00:44:52Ah, good morning, ma'am.
00:44:55And isn't it a lovely morning?
00:44:58Up yours, nigger!
00:45:04What did you expect? "Welcome, sonny. "
00:45:09"Make yourself at home. "
00:45:11"Marry my daughter. " You've got to remember these are just simple farmers.
00:45:18These are people of the land.
00:45:21The common clay of the new West.
00:45:26You know.
00:45:29Morons!
00:45:34What the hell is that?
00:45:51Mongo! Santa María!
00:45:57I believe in it. And if any one of you...
00:45:59...friends and neighbors, kind of gather around and...
00:46:01Holy shit!
00:46:08And they say that now in Paris, France, even as we speak...
00:46:14...Louis Pasteur has devised a new vaccine...
00:46:17...that will obliterate anthrax once and for all.
00:46:26Hey, you can't park that animal over there!
00:46:29It's illegal.
00:46:37Think of it, gentlemen. Hoof-and- mouth disease a thing of the past!
00:46:43Never mind that shit, here comes Mongo!
00:46:52I don't know what it is.
00:47:01Sheriff, Mongo's back! He's breaking up the whole town!
00:47:03You've got to help us, please!
00:47:05Did you hear that? Now it's "please. "
00:47:08This morning I couldn't get the time of day. Who is this Mongo, anyway?
00:47:12Well, Mongo ain't exactly a "who. " He's more of a "what. "
00:47:16What he said.
00:47:17Well, I don't know...
00:47:19Oh, thank you very much!
00:47:23The fool's going to...
00:47:25I mean, the sheriff's going to do it.
00:47:33No, no, don't do that! If you shoot him, you'll just make him mad.
00:47:49Candygram for Mongo!
00:48:04Me, Mongo.
00:48:05Sign, please.
00:48:17Mongo like candy.
00:48:26A little further down, to the right.
00:48:29I thought sure that Mongo would mash him up...
00:48:31...into little bitty sheriff meatballs.
00:48:34I just don't understand it.
00:48:36Be still, Taggart.
00:48:38My mind is a raging torrent...
00:48:41...flooded with rivulets of thought...
00:48:43...cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives.
00:48:47Gol darn it, Mr. Lamarr...
00:48:50...you use your tongue prettier than a $20 whore.
00:48:59Wait a minute, that's it!
00:49:03And it will work!
00:49:05You bet it will! What will work?
00:49:08Elementary, cactus-head!
00:49:10The beast has failed.
00:49:11And when the beast fails, it's time to call in beauty.
00:49:16Beauty?
00:49:20She's never failed me before. She'll turn him into jelly!
00:49:23She'll bring him to his knees!
00:49:28Where's my froggie? Where's my froggie?
00:49:31I don't know. I didn't see it when I came in.
00:49:33Damn your eyes, look for it!
00:49:43Oh, there it is.
00:49:50That was a close one! Daddy loves Froggie. Froggie love Daddy?
00:50:05I don't know how you did it.
00:50:07He was nothing.
00:50:08The bitch was inventing the candygram.
00:50:11They probably won't give me credit for it.
00:50:23Good evening, sheriff.
00:50:25Sorry about the "Up yours, nigger. "
00:50:27I hope this apple pie will in some small way say thank you for your...
00:50:31...ingenuity and courage in defeating that horrible Mongo.
00:50:36Thank you. Much obliged. Good night.
00:50:48Of course, you'll have the good taste not to mention that I spoke to you.
00:50:58I'm rapidly becoming a big underground success in this town.
00:51:03See, in another 25 years you'll be able to shake their hands in broad daylight.
00:51:07Well, I'm not going to hold my breath for it.
00:51:10Come on, I don't want to be late. Lili von Shtupp is opening tonight.
00:51:15Lili von who?
00:51:31Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome. Come on in.
00:51:40It's Hedley. For you, my dear.
00:51:44Oh, how ordinary.
00:51:51Oh, Lili, Lili, Lili, legs, Lili, Lili!
00:51:55I can't find the words to truly express my joy...
00:51:59...at the rekindling of our association.
00:52:01Bullshit, what's the job?
00:52:06I love it when you talk dirty.
00:52:21Come on, Lamarr, let's get down to bwass tacks.
00:52:24What do you want me to do?
00:52:27I want you to seduce and abandon the sheriff of Rock Ridge.
00:52:32You think you can do it?
00:52:36Is Bismark a hewwing?
00:52:38Oh, Lili, you're magnificent! Kiss me!
00:52:53And now, folks, the gal you've all been waiting for...
00:52:58...the Bavarian Bombshell herself! Let's hear it for Lili von Shtupp!
00:53:16"Here I stand, the goddess of desire...
00:53:20"... set men on fire. I have this power.
00:53:25"Morning, noon and night, it's drink and dancing...
00:53:29"... some quick romancing, and then a shower.
00:53:35"Stage door Johnnies constantly surround me...
00:53:39"... they always hound me with one request.
00:53:45"Who can satisfy their lustful habit?
00:53:49"I'm not a rabbit. I need some rest.
00:54:01"I'm tired...
00:54:04"... sick and tired of love...
00:54:09"I've had my fill of love...
00:54:14"... from below and above.
00:54:20"Tired, tired of being admired...
00:54:27"... tired of love uninspired.
00:54:32"Let's face it, I'm tired.
00:54:36"I've been with thousands of men again and again.
00:54:42"They promise the moon.
00:54:45"They're always coming and going and going and coming...
00:54:52"... and always too soon. "
00:54:55Right, girls?
00:54:57"I'm tired. Tired of playing the game.
00:55:04"Ain't it a crying shame?
00:55:08"I'm so tired. "
00:55:12Goddamn it, I'm exhausted!
00:55:16Hello, cowboy, what's your name?
00:55:20"Tex ma'am"? Tell me, Tex ma'am...
00:55:23...are you in show business?
00:55:25Nope.
00:55:26Well, then, why don't you get your friggin' feet off the stage?
00:55:43Hello, handsome. Is that a 10-gallon hat, or are you just enjoying the show?
00:55:56Oh, Miss Lili, oh, my lovely lady!
00:56:11"Tired of playing the game.
00:56:16"Ain't it a crying shame...
00:56:20"... I'm so tired.
00:56:30"She's tired.
00:56:32"Sick and tired of love. Give her a break.
00:56:35"She's had her fill of love. She's not a snake!
00:56:38"From below and above. Can't you see she's sick?
00:56:42"She's bushed.
00:56:44"Tired of being admired. Let her alone.
00:56:46"Tired of love uninspired.
00:56:51"Don't you know she's pooped?
00:56:53"I've been with thousands of men again and again.
00:56:59"They sing the same tune!
00:57:02"They start with Byron and Shelley...
00:57:06"... then jump on your belly, and bust your balloon.
00:57:17"Tired of playing the game.
00:57:21"Ain't it a friggin' shame?
00:57:26"I'm so... "
00:57:28Let's face it. Everything below the waist is kaput!
00:58:08What does it say?
00:58:10"I must see you alone in my dwessing woom right after the show. "
00:58:29Wie gehts, meine schatzie?
00:58:33Faw out!
00:58:39A wed wose. How womantic!
00:58:44Have a seat, shewiff.
00:58:51Won't you excuse me for a moment...
00:58:53...while I slip into something a little bit more comfortable?
00:58:59Bitte, baby.
00:59:08Why don't you loosen your bullets?
00:59:18Ahh, I feel wefweshed!
00:59:21Isn't it bwight in here?
00:59:30There! Isn't that better?
00:59:35Pardon me, I'll be back in a moment.
00:59:41How is it going?
00:59:42He's like wet sauerkraut in my hands. By morning he will be my slave.
00:59:47Splendid.
00:59:48Oh, just let me have a little feel.
00:59:51Where were we? Where are you?
00:59:55Let me sit down next to you.
01:00:00Tell me, schatzie...
01:00:02...is it, ah, twu what they say about the way you people are gifted?
01:00:09Oh, it's twu, it's twu!
01:00:19Vill you care for another schnitzengruben?
01:00:21No, thank you. Fifteen is my limit on schnitzengruben.
01:00:26Well, then, how about a little...?
01:00:32Baby, please, I am not from Havana.
01:00:36Excuse me, honey...
01:00:38...besides, I'm late for work. I've got some heavy chores to do.
01:00:43Vill I, vill I see you later?
01:00:46That all depends on how much Vitamin E I can get my hands on.
01:00:51Nein, nein, achtung!
01:00:53No, no, you mustn't go! I need you!
01:00:56I never met nobody like you! I can't live without you!
01:01:02Please, you're making a German spectacle of yourself.
01:01:08Auf wiedersehen, baby.
01:01:17Oh, what a nice guy.
01:01:27Oh, deary, dear. Look what the cat dragged in.
01:01:44What's happening in the clean world?
01:01:47Bad news.
01:01:48I've got a writ here for Mongo's release signed by Hedley Lamarr himself.
01:01:58Why would a dude like Hedley Lamarr care about Mongo?
01:02:04It's legal.
01:02:08Oh, those schnitzengrubens can wipe you out!
01:02:18Wake up time!
01:02:26Okay, Mongo. You're free to go.
01:02:30Mongo no go.
01:02:34Oh, come on, Mongo. You're a free man.
01:02:40Mongo stay with Sheriff Bart. Sheriff first man ever whip Mongo.
01:02:46Mongo impressed, have deep feelings for Sheriff Bart.
01:02:52Oh, you better watch out, big fella.
01:02:55I think Mongo's taken a little fancy to you.
01:03:02Mongo straight.
01:03:08Maybe you know why a high-roller...
01:03:11...like Hedley Lamarr is interested in Rock Ridge.
01:03:14Don't know. Got to do with where choo-choo go.
01:03:21Mongo, why would Hedley Lamarr care about where the choo-choo goes?
01:03:27Don't know.
01:03:30Mongo only pawn in game of life.
01:03:38I think this might be a good time to mosey out...
01:03:39...to where they're building the railroad...
01:03:42...and maybe do a little snooping.
01:04:23Damn, damn, damn!
01:04:32Hey, how are you doing Bart? Get down off that horse!
01:04:41Oh, you shifty nigger! They said you were hung!
01:04:44And they were right!
01:04:46Look at that star, hoo-ee! Civil service!
01:04:52Wait. Back off, scamp.
01:04:54You are addressing the duly appointed sheriff of Rock Ridge.
01:04:58Rock Ridge? Hey, the railroad is going through there!
01:05:17Back up off your brother! Don't mess up your brother!
01:05:38Holy mother of pearl!
01:05:41It's that nigger that hit me on the head with the shovel!
01:05:44Now what the hell do you think you're doing with that tin star, boy?
01:05:48Watch that "boy" shit, redneck! You're talking to the sheriff of Rock Ridge.
01:05:55Well, now if that don't beat all!
01:05:58Here we take the good time and trouble...
01:06:00...to slaughter every last Indian in the West, and for what?
01:06:04So they can appoint a sheriff that's blacker than any Indian!
01:06:10I am depressed.
01:06:12Excuse me, Mr. Taggart, sir, but I sure do hate to see you like this.
01:06:15What if me and the boys were to shoot that nigger dead?
01:06:18Would that pep you up some?
01:06:20Well, it might help.
01:06:22All right, boys. On the count of three.
01:06:25I wouldn't do that if I were you.
01:06:28Don't pay no attention to that alky.
01:06:30He can't even hold a gun, much less shoot it.
01:06:36Like I said. On the count of three.
01:06:40One...
01:06:43...two...
01:06:44...three!
01:06:57Well, just don't sit there looking stupid, grasping your hands in pain.
01:07:02How about a little applause for the Waco Kid?
01:07:17All right, I'm through being Mr. Goodbar!
01:07:20The time has come to act and act quickly!
01:07:23All my plans have backfired!
01:07:24Instead of the people leaving, they're staying in droves!
01:07:27Vhy don't you admit it? He's too much of man for you. I know.
01:07:31You going to need an army to beat him!
01:07:34You're finished.
01:07:35Fertig! Fahrblunged! Fahrcocked!
01:07:47Shut up! You Teutonic twat!
01:07:51I must think.
01:08:01Wait a minute. She said army. Of course!
01:08:06An army of the worst dregs ever to soil the face of the West!
01:08:14I've decided to launch an attack that will reduce Rock Ridge to ashes!
01:08:19What do you want me to do, sir?
01:08:21I want you to round up every vicious criminal and gunslinger in the West.
01:08:24Take this down.
01:08:27I want rustlers, cutthroats, murderers, bounty hunters...
01:08:31...desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, half-wits, dimwits...
01:08:36...vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits...
01:08:41...muggers, buggerers, bushwackers, hornswagglers...
01:08:44...horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass kickers...
01:08:48...shit kickers and Methodists!
01:08:53Could you repeat that, sir?
01:09:05Where's everybody going?
01:09:08Read this.
01:09:20Well, can't you see that's the last act of a desperate man?
01:09:24We don't care if it's the First Act of Henry the Fifth! We're leaving!
01:09:30Now, wait a minute! Wait just one doggoned minute!
01:09:35Just give me 24 hours to come up with a brilliant idea to save our town.
01:09:40Just 24 hours, that's all I ask.
01:09:43No!
01:09:45You'd do it for Randolph Scott.
01:09:53All right, sheriff. 24 hours.
01:10:57Next!
01:10:59Qualifications?
01:11:00Rape, murder, arson and rape.
01:11:03You said rape twice.
01:11:05I like rape.
01:11:09Charming. Sign right here.
01:11:13Take that badge.
01:11:19Qualifications?
01:11:20Arson, armed robbery, mayhem.
01:11:24Wait a moment. What have you got in your mouth?
01:11:30Nothing, eh? Lyle.
01:11:36Gum!
01:11:37Chewing gum on line, eh?
01:11:40I hope you brought enough for everybody.
01:11:45I didn't know there was going to be so many.
01:11:52Boy, is he strict!
01:11:55We've got to get in there close and find out what's happening.
01:11:59There's our ticket!
01:12:08Hey, boys!
01:12:11Look what I've got there!
01:12:14Hey, where are the white women at?
01:12:31Man, that was pretty! I liked that.
01:12:34Be ready to attack Rock Ridge at noon tomorrow. Here's your badge.
01:12:41We don't need no stinkin' badges!
01:12:46Next!
01:12:47Qualifications?
01:12:49Stampeding cattle.
01:12:51That's not much of a crime.
01:12:53Through the Vatican!
01:12:55Kinky!
01:12:59Why, Rhett, how many times have I told you...
01:13:01...to wash up after weekly cross-burning?
01:13:04See, it's coming off.
01:13:08And now, for my next impression, Jesse Owens!
01:13:13Catch them!
01:13:16Hold up, men, we'll head them off at the pass!
01:13:21Head them off at the pass? I hate that cliché!
01:13:44Say, "hello. "
01:13:46Hello.
01:13:47Listen to me, and listen to me good.
01:13:49I want you to get all the brothers together...
01:13:52...round up all the lumber, canvas, paint and nails you can lay your hands on...
01:13:56...and meet me tonight 3 miles due east of Rock Ridge at midnight.
01:14:02You understand?
01:14:03Say, "goodbye. "
01:14:06Thanks a lot, brother.
01:14:36All right, folks, I know you're a bit confused wondering what you're doing...
01:14:39...out in the middle of the prairie in the middle of the night.
01:14:42You bet your ass!
01:14:44I'm hip.
01:14:46Now, before the sun comes up...
01:14:48...we're going to build on this sight an exact replica of the town of Rock Ridge.
01:14:57Every building, every storefront, every rock and every tree...
01:15:00...right down to the orange roof on Howard Johnson's outhouse.
01:15:05I get it!
01:15:07And tomorrow when Hedley Lamarr and his men come riding in...
01:15:10...to destroy the real Rock Ridge...
01:15:11...they'll actually be destroying the fake Rock Ridge!
01:15:13But they'll think it's the real Rock Ridge!
01:15:15But we'll know it's the fake Rock Ridge!
01:15:18How're we going to do it? We don't have the time nor the people.
01:15:21Wrong! There's why.
01:15:27Who the hell are they?
01:15:32Railroad workers. They've agreed to help us make our dream come true.
01:15:37And all they ask in return is a little plot of land...
01:15:40...they can call their own to homestead.
01:15:42What do you say?
01:15:51We'll give some land to the niggers and the chinks...
01:15:55...but we don't want the Irish!
01:16:03No deal.
01:16:05Ah, prairie shit! Everybody!
01:16:13Oh, Lord...
01:16:16...do we have the strength to carry on this mighty task in one night?
01:16:23Or are we just jerking off?
01:16:36Okay, okay, we have done it. Now, let's see what we have done.
01:17:21Men, you are about to embark on a great crusade...
01:17:27...to stamp out runaway decency in the West.
01:17:30Now you will only be risking your lives...
01:17:33...whilst I will be risking an almost certain Academy Award nomination...
01:17:38...for Best Supporting Actor.
01:17:41Now raise your right hand for the pledge.
01:17:45Right!
01:17:48And repeat after me. I...
01:17:52...your name...
01:17:53...your name...
01:17:55Schmucks! ... pledge allegiance...
01:17:58...pledge allegiance...
01:18:00...to Hedley Lamarr...
01:18:02...to Hedy Lamarr...
01:18:04That's Hedley!
01:18:05...that's Hedley...
01:18:07...and to the evil...
01:18:09...and to the evil...
01:18:11...for which he stands!
01:18:13...for which he stands!
01:18:15Now go do that voodoo that you do so well!
01:18:32Hold the happiness. We are in trouble.
01:18:37Yep! We forgot one little detail.
01:18:39Nothing is missing. Everything is here, down to the last hitching post.
01:18:44People. There are no people.
01:18:46Now don't panic. Don't panic.
01:18:49We just made a perfect copy of Rock Ridge.
01:18:52Now all we've got to do is make perfect copies of ourselves.
01:18:57But they'll be here in half an hour.
01:19:00Right, so we've got to start working fast.
01:19:02You men start working on the dummies. Jim and Mongo, come with me.
01:19:06I've got an idea that will slow them down to a crawl.
01:19:11All right, let's go!
01:19:20Yeah, that's nice.
01:19:44Le Petomane Thruway! Now what will that asshole think of next?
01:19:51Has anybody got a dime?
01:19:55Somebody's got to go back and get a shit-load of dimes.
01:20:07Hurry up. Speed it up or we're never going to get to Rock Ridge!
01:20:12Come on, move them through!
01:20:21Well, they're through the tollbooth.
01:20:25Look at this, they're buying it!
01:20:38All right, here we go. Hold your ears, folks!
01:20:42It's show time!
01:20:48Nothing!
01:20:49What are we going to do?
01:20:51Any minute now they're going to discover the town is fake and pull out!
01:20:57You think you could squeeze off a little shot from here...
01:20:59...and set off the dynamite down there?
01:21:03I'll give it a try.
01:21:15Oh, Lord, keep this man's eye keen...
01:21:18...and may God grant...
01:21:32It's a fake!
01:21:34We've been suckered in!
01:21:53Okay, folks, let's wipe them out!
01:22:21Forgive me, Lord!
01:23:25"Throw out your hands, stick out your tush.
01:23:27"Hands on your hips, give them a push.
01:23:30"You'll be surprised, you're doing the French Mistake. Voilŕ!"
01:23:36All right, cut!
01:23:42Wrong!
01:23:46Just watch me. It's so simple!
01:23:50You sissy Marys!
01:23:52Give me the playback. And watch me, faggots!
01:24:10Have you got it?
01:24:11Yessssssss.
01:24:13Sounds like steam escaping!
01:24:16Action! Okay, wait until I get out.
01:24:50Cut! What in the hell do you think you're doing here?
01:24:54This is a closed set!
01:24:57Piss on you! I'm working for Mel Brooks.
01:25:00Not in the face!
01:25:04Thank you.
01:25:05They've hit Buddy! Come on, girls!
01:25:18You vulgar shit!
01:25:20Why, you miserable pansy!
01:25:27I'm parked over by the commissary.
01:25:34You brute, you brute, you vicious brute!
01:25:39All right, all right...
01:25:56How many days do you have left, Joey?
01:25:58They lose me right after the bunker scene.
01:26:03What the hell is that?
01:26:10Get your pies for the great pie fight!
01:26:17This is our Studio commissary where some Hollywood stars...
01:26:20...come to eat. Keep in line.
01:26:29And now we'll go to the Special Effects Department.
01:26:37Yankee bean soup, cole slaw and tuna surprise.
01:27:20Taxi!
01:27:27Drive me off this picture!
01:27:58You dropped your beads.
01:27:59One, please.
01:28:02Uh, student.
01:28:04Are you kidding?
01:28:07Pain in the ass.
01:28:09Look, Herman, I'm in Hedy Lamarr's shoes!
01:28:12Hedley!
01:28:42Freeze it!
01:28:44Okay, Lamarr, go for your gun.
01:28:46Wait, wait, I'm unarmed.
01:28:50All right, we'll settle it like men.
01:28:54With our fists.
01:28:57Sorry, I just remembered. I am armed.
01:29:08How did he do such fantastic stunts with such little feet?
01:29:19You shot the bad guy!
01:29:23Well, what do you want to do now?
01:29:25Come on, let's check out the end of the flick.
01:29:28I sure hope there's a happy ending. I love a happy ending.
01:29:37Sheriff, you can't go now. We need you.
01:29:40My work here is done. I'm needed elsewhere now.
01:29:45I'm needed wherever outlaws rule the West.
01:29:48Wherever innocent women and children are afraid to walk the streets.
01:29:53Wherever a man cannot live in simple dignity.
01:29:56Wherever people cry out for justice.
01:30:00Bullshit!
01:30:05All right, you caught me.
01:30:06To speak the plain truth, it's getting pretty damn dull around here.
01:30:10Good luck, Bart, and God bless you.
01:30:18'Bye, baby brother.
01:30:22Keep the faith, brothers!
01:30:40Where are you headed, cowboy?
01:30:43Nowhere special.
01:30:47Nowhere special. I always wanted to go there.
01:30:54Come on!
01:31:26"He conquered fear and he conquered hate. "
01:31:30"He turned our night into day. "

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