The Hangover

00:00:47You've reached Doug. Sorry I missed your call.
00:00:49Please leave a name and number and I'll get back to you.
00:00:58Hi, you've reached Dr. Stuart Price with Divine Dentistry.
00:01:02Please leave a message after...
00:01:11Hey, this is Phil.
00:01:13Leave me a message or don't. Do me a favor, don't text me. It's gay.
00:01:17- Anything? I tried them all.
00:01:19It keeps going straight to voice-mail.
00:01:21Well, there has to be an explanation.
00:01:23Sweetie, it's Vegas. You lose track of time in casinos.
00:01:26There's no windows, there's no clocks. He's probably on a heater.
00:01:30And you never walk away from the table when you're on a heater.
00:01:34You do if you're getting married.
00:01:38- Hello? - Ahem, Tracy, it's Phil.
00:01:41Phil, where the hell are you guys?
00:01:43I'm freaking out.
00:01:45Yeah, listen.
00:01:47Uh...
00:01:51We fucked up.
00:01:52- What are you talking about?
00:01:54- The bachelor party, the whole night. It...
00:01:57Things got out of control, uh...
00:02:02...and we lost Doug.
00:02:04- What? - We can't find Doug.
00:02:06What are you saying, Phil? We're getting married in five hours.
00:02:10Yeah.
00:02:13That's not gonna happen.
00:03:45To my left a little.
00:03:47Thank you.
00:03:49Okey-dokey.
00:03:54- Whoa, watch it, pervert! - Alan, he's just doing your inseam.
00:03:57- He's getting very close to my shaft. - All done. You can change now.
00:04:03Right. Thanks, Floyd. Thank you very much.
00:04:07All right, buddy, we should get a move on.
00:04:10You know, Doug, I was thinking...
00:04:14If you wanna go to Vegas without me, that is totally cool, you know?
00:04:17What are you talking about?
00:04:19You know, Phil and Stu, they're your buddies, and it's your bachelor party.
00:04:23Come on, Alan. Those two love you.
00:04:25And also, I don't want you to feel like you have to hold back...
00:04:28...because your wife's brother's there. I just...
00:04:31It's not like that.
00:04:36It's not like that. I already told you, Alan.
00:04:38Okay? We're just spending the night in Vegas. It's no big deal.
00:04:42Besides, you're not just my wife's brother, you're my brother now.
00:04:49I want you to know, Doug, I'm a steel trap.
00:04:53Whatever happens tonight, I will never, ever, ever, speak a word of it.
00:04:57Okay. Yeah, I got it. Thank you. I don't think that...
00:05:00Seriously. I don't care what happens.
00:05:03- I don't care if we kill someone. - What?
00:05:06You heard me. It's Sin City.
00:05:10I won't tell a soul.
00:05:13Okay. I got it.
00:05:18- Thank you. No, thank you.
00:05:22I love you so much.
00:05:25- Ha. I knew it. - Dad.
00:05:27Oh, stop it, I'm just jerking around.
00:05:29Alan, put some pants on. You have weird legs.
00:05:32Yes, Daddy.
00:05:33- His legs look fine, Dad. - Oh, please.
00:05:35He has his mother's legs. It's just freaky.
00:05:42Alan, I'm just teasing. You have wonderful legs.
00:05:47They're better than your mother's. They're beautiful.
00:05:50Can you believe this? Just two more days.
00:05:53I know. You getting nervous?
00:05:57- You wanna back out? - Shut up.
00:05:59Just tell me. Oh. Mm.
00:06:03You know, I don't need to go to Vegas. It's dumb.
00:06:05It's not dumb. It's one night. Have fun, you deserve it.
00:06:09I know, but we should have gone last weekend.
00:06:11We have so much to do. L... I'm gonna cancel.
00:06:14My brother packed his bag two weeks ago. You're not canceling.
00:06:17- Really? - Yeah.
00:06:19- Two weeks? - Yeah, he's excited.
00:06:22Thanks again for bringing him, by the way.
00:06:24You don't need to thank me, it's nothing. He's a cool guy.
00:06:27It's not nothing and he's not a cool guy...
00:06:29...so thank you.
00:06:32Thank you.
00:06:35Thank you.
00:06:41Hey, Sid.
00:06:44I just wanted to thank you guys again for everything you're doing this weekend.
00:06:48- We couldn't be more excited. - Ah, that's great.
00:06:50Yeah, okay. You love us and we love you. Terrific.
00:06:54So talk to me about Vegas.
00:06:56- Uh... It should be pretty mellow. - Mm-hm.
00:06:59Do some gambling, maybe catch some rays, have a few laughs.
00:07:02Yeah, some laughs. I got you.
00:07:05How you getting out there?
00:07:07Uh, we're gonna take my car. Gonna pick up my friends after this.
00:07:10- Prius? You're taking a Prius to Vegas? - Yeah.
00:07:14You know, when you go to Vegas...
00:07:17...you gotta go to Vegas.
00:07:18No. Sid.
00:07:23- Really? Come on, we're family now.
00:07:28- You sure? I mean, you love this car. - Doug, it's just a car.
00:07:31Just make sure to put some Armor All on the tires so the sand doesn't seep in.
00:07:36Absolutely. That's easy.
00:07:38Oh, and, uh, don't let Alan drive, because there's something wrong with him.
00:07:43Understood.
00:07:44Oh, and Phil either. I don't like him.
00:07:47I will be the only one driving this car. I promise.
00:07:52Good.
00:07:53Remember, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
00:07:56Ah!
00:07:59Except for herpes. That shit'll come back with you.
00:08:04All right. Hold on. I still need some of your permission slips...
00:08:06...and $90 for the field trip to the Griffith Observatory next weekend.
00:08:10Pay now, or forever regret missing out on the experience of a lifetime, guys.
00:08:14You're good, you got it.
00:08:16Thanks, Mr. Wenneck. Thank you. Hey.
00:08:17You really came through, thank you.
00:08:20Whoa, Max. What gives? What, no planetarium?
00:08:23My mom won't give me the money. I'm grounded.
00:08:25- Well, how much you got on you? - I don't know.
00:08:27Like, 20 bucks.
00:08:30Well, give me the 20 and I'll cover the rest.
00:08:33- Really? - Yeah. Well, we'll talk about it.
00:08:36But give me the 20 so I know you're serious.
00:08:38- Cool. Thanks, Mr. Wenneck. - Yeah.
00:09:02Hold on, I got it.
00:09:03Ahem, do you have to park so close?
00:09:06- Yeah. What's wrong? - I shouldn't be here.
00:09:09Why is that, Alan?
00:09:10I'm not supposed to be within 200 feet of a school.
00:09:14- What? - Or a Chuck E. Cheese.
00:09:21BUDNICK: Mr. Wenneck, I was... - It's the weekend.
00:09:23I don't know you. You do not exist.
00:09:26- Shit. Heh, heh, heh.
00:09:28- Nice car. Yeah.
00:09:30- I'm driving. Whoa, no chance, buddy...
00:09:31Don't step... God. Watch the leath...
00:09:34Shut up and drive before these nerds ask me another question.
00:09:37- Animal. - Who's this?
00:09:38- It's Alan. Tracy's brother. - I met you, like, four times.
00:09:42Oh, yeah. How you doing, man?
00:09:45MELISSA: Don't forget your Rogaine.
00:09:47Rogaine, check.
00:09:50And don't forget to use it.
00:09:53I can totally tell when you forget, your hair just looks thinner.
00:09:57Using of the Rogaine, check.
00:10:00Make sure to call me right when you get to the hotel...
00:10:03...not like that conference in Phoenix.
00:10:05I had to wait two hours for you to call me.
00:10:08Yeah, I was the keynote speaker. I was late to the podium.
00:10:11- Still? - Yeah, you're totally right. I'm sorry.
00:10:16- What is the matter? I don't know.
00:10:18I hope you're not gonna go to some strip club when you're up there.
00:10:21Melissa, we're going to Napa Valley.
00:10:24I don't even think they have strip clubs in wine country.
00:10:27Well, I'm sure if there is one, Phil will sniff it out.
00:10:32It's not gonna be like that.
00:10:34Besides, you know how I feel about that.
00:10:36I know, I know. It's just boys and their bachelor parties, it's gross.
00:10:40You're right, it is gross. Mm-mm.
00:10:45And you know what else, honestly?
00:10:48Why would I risk this for, you know, a couple of minutes...
00:10:53...of some 19-year-old hard body in a schoolgirl outfit?
00:10:59- Yeah. - Why would I ever need, like...
00:11:01- You're right. And if you ever do... - What?
00:11:04...I will fucking kick your ass.
00:11:07Thank you. Thank you for that.
00:11:11That is exactly what I needed to hear.
00:11:14Not to mention it's pathetic.
00:11:16Those places are filthy. And the worst part is...
00:11:20...that little girl...
00:11:22...grinding and dry humping the fucking stage up there...
00:11:26...that's somebody's daughter up there. - I was just gonna say that.
00:11:30See? I just wish your friends were as mature as you.
00:11:33They are mature, actually. You just have to get to know them better.
00:11:36Paging Dr. Faggot.
00:11:41Dr. Faggot!
00:11:46- I should go. - That's a good idea, Dr. Faggot.
00:11:51Have a good weekend. I'm gonna miss you.
00:12:06Whoo!
00:12:07Road trip!
00:12:12Vegas! Vegas, baby!
00:12:15Vegas!
00:12:18You're nuts!
00:12:24Come on, just till Barstow. Everybody's passing us.
00:12:27Absolutely not. I promised Sid. I will be the only one driving this car.
00:12:32Besides, you're drinking.
00:12:33Oh, what are you, a cop now? You know I drive great when I'm drunk.
00:12:37True. Don't forget, Phil was always our designated drunk driver.
00:12:40Yeah. You wanna explain it to them, Alan?
00:12:42Guys, my dad loves this car more than he loves me, so, yeah.
00:12:46Aw, whatever. I left my wife and kid at home so I could go with you guys.
00:12:49- You know how difficult that was? - That's really sweet.
00:12:52- Yeah. - Dude, I was being sarcastic.
00:12:54I fucking hate my life.
00:12:55- I may never go back. I might stay in Vegas.
00:12:57- Here we go.
00:12:59Doug, enjoy yourself, because come Sunday...
00:13:01...you're gonna start dying just a little bit every day.
00:13:04Yeah. That's why I've managed to stay single this whole time, you know?
00:13:09- Oh, really? That's why you're single? - Yeah.
00:13:12Cool. Good to know.
00:13:15- Am I all right over there, Alan? - Yeah, you're good.
00:13:21Aw, Jesus Christ!
00:13:22- Oh, my God! - That was awesome!
00:13:25That was not awesome. What's wrong with you?
00:13:28- That was insane. We almost just died. - You should have seen your face.
00:13:34- Classic. - That's funny. Ha-ha.
00:13:36It's not funny.
00:13:55- Boy, you've got a sweet ride there. - Don't touch it.
00:14:00Don't even look at it. Go on, get out.
00:14:04You heard me. Don't look at me, either.
00:14:09Yeah, you better walk on.
00:14:12- He's actually kind of funny. - Yeah, he means well.
00:14:15I'll hit an old man in public.
00:14:18Is he all there? Like, mentally?
00:14:21I think so. He's just an odd guy. You know, he's kind of weird.
00:14:24- I mean, should we be worried? - No.
00:14:26- All right. - No.
00:14:28Tracy did mention that we shouldn't let him gamble.
00:14:31Or drink too much.
00:14:33Jesus, he's like a gremlin. Comes with instructions and shit.
00:14:37And one water.
00:14:39- All good with Melissa? - Oh, yeah.
00:14:41Told her we're two hours outside of wine country, and she bought it.
00:14:47You think it's strange you've been in a relationship for years...
00:14:50...and you have to lie about Vegas?
00:14:52Yeah, I do. But trust me, it's not worth the fight.
00:14:55Oh, so you can't go to Vegas but she can fuck a bellhop on a Carnival Cruise Line?
00:15:00Hey.
00:15:01Okay, first of all, he was a bartender.
00:15:05And she was wasted.
00:15:07And, if you must know, he didn't even come inside her.
00:15:11And you believe that?
00:15:13Uh, yeah, I do believe that, because she's grossed out by semen.
00:15:18That'll be 32.50.
00:15:20It's 32.50, you gonna pay for it?
00:15:25It says here we should work in teams. Who wants to be my spotter?
00:15:30I don't think you should be doing too much gambling tonight, Alan.
00:15:34Gambling? Who said anything about gambling?
00:15:36It's not gambling when you know you're gonna win.
00:15:38Counting cards is a foolproof system.
00:15:40It's also illegal.
00:15:42It's not illegal, it's frowned upon, like masturbating on an airplane.
00:15:49I'm pretty sure that's illegal too.
00:15:50Yeah, maybe after 9/11, where everybody got so sensitive.
00:15:56Thanks a lot, Bin Laden.
00:15:59Either way, you gotta be super smart to count cards, buddy, okay?
00:16:03- Oh, really? - It's not easy.
00:16:04Well maybe we should tell that to Rain Man...
00:16:06...because he practically bankrupted a casino, and he was a retard.
00:16:10What?
00:16:11He was a retard.
00:16:14Retard.
00:16:55Here we go.
00:16:59WO Hi, welcome to Caesars.
00:17:01Hello. WO Checking in?
00:17:02Yeah. We have a reservation under Dr. Price.
00:17:05LISA: Okay, let me look that up for you.
00:17:07Dr. Price?
00:17:08Stu, you're a dentist, okay? Don't try and get fancy.
00:17:12- It's not fancy if it's true. - He's a dentist. Don't get too excited.
00:17:17And if, uh, someone has a heart attack, you should still call 911.
00:17:20We'll be sure to do that.
00:17:22Can I ask you a question? Do you know if the hotel's pager-friendly?
00:17:25- What do you mean? - I'm not getting a sig on my beeper.
00:17:29- I'm not sure. Is there a payphone bank?
00:17:32Bunch of payphones? Business.
00:17:36Um, there's a phone in your room.
00:17:39That'll work.
00:17:40So I have you in a two-bedroom suite on the 12th floor, is that okay?
00:17:44It sounds perfect.
00:17:45Actually, I was wondering if you had any villas.
00:17:48- We're not even gonna be in the room. - It's unnecessary.
00:17:51No big deal. We can share beds. It's one night.
00:17:53If we're share beds, I'm bunking with Phil.
00:17:56- You good with that? - No, I'm not.
00:17:58Guys, we are not sharing beds. What are we, 12 years old?
00:18:02Lisa, I apologize. How much is the villa?
00:18:04Well, we have one villa available, and it's 4200 for the night.
00:18:07- Is it awesome? - It's pretty awesome.
00:18:09- We'll take it. Give her your credit card. - I can't give her my credit card.
00:18:14- We'll split it. - Are you crazy? No, this is on us.
00:18:19You don't get it. Melissa checks my statements.
00:18:22We just need a credit card on file.
00:18:24We won't charge you until check out, so you can figure it out then.
00:18:27That's perfect. Thank you, Lisa. We'll deal with it tomorrow. Come on.
00:18:31Fine.
00:18:34- Can I ask you another question? LISA: Sure.
00:18:36You probably get this a lot.
00:18:37This isn't the real Caesars Palace, is it?
00:18:40What do you mean?
00:18:42Did, uh...
00:18:45- Did Caesar live here? - Um, no.
00:18:49I didn't think so.
00:18:59Holy shit.
00:19:03Now, this is Vegas.
00:19:05Oh, my... This place is enormous.
00:19:09Now we're talking.
00:19:11Is this all one suite?
00:19:14Thank you, guys.
00:19:16Or should I say, "Thank you, Stu"?
00:19:18You're welcome. It's only because I love you.
00:19:21Hey, guys. Look, free almonds.
00:19:25- Oh, no, no, no. Please put those back. - Wait, I'm just hungry.
00:19:28- Well, I know, but... - Stu, what the fuck?
00:19:31It's a pressure-sensitive plate. When you pick
00:19:33it up, you have 30 seconds to put it back...
00:19:35...or they bill you. That's pretty neat.
00:19:37It may be neat, but it's also very expensive, so...
00:19:40Those almonds are probably, like, $14.
00:19:43Stu, relax.
00:19:45Phil, Melissa is like a forensic accountant, okay?
00:19:48She scours my statements. If you want nuts...
00:19:50...put your own credit card down. - Watch this.
00:19:56Problem solved. Alan, enjoy your almonds.
00:19:59I don't want them. He ruined it.
00:20:02All right, let's pick a room, let's get dressed. Be ready in 30 minutes.
00:20:07I just wish you could see this place, because you, of all people, would love it.
00:20:12Yeah. No, it's so quaint.
00:20:17Yeah, no, there's no TVs, no phones.
00:20:19They just have these cute little antique radios in all the rooms.
00:20:23Yeah.
00:20:26What else? Um...
00:20:28We met the, uh, proprietor.
00:20:30- Oh, I bet you... What's his name?
00:20:33Um, Caesar. Palacé.
00:20:35Yeah, like the salad.
00:20:38Okay. Well, listen, I gotta go, because we're gonna hit this wine tasting.
00:20:42Wait, wait. I love you. Okay. Bye.
00:20:46I'm not even gonna say anything, it's so embarrassing.
00:20:49- Where's Alan? - He, uh, he went downstairs.
00:20:52He said he had to grab a few things.
00:20:54Good, because I have something to show you.
00:21:01Uh-Oh.
00:21:02- What the hell is that? What do you think?
00:21:04If it's what I think it is, I think it's a big fucking mistake.
00:21:08I'm gonna propose to Melissa at your wedding. After the ceremony.
00:21:11- Stuey, congratulations! - Thank you, Doug.
00:21:15- That's a beautiful ring. - Yeah. It's my grandmother's.
00:21:18She made it all the way through the Holocaust with that thing.
00:21:21Wait, have you not listened to anything I have ever said?
00:21:24Phil, we've been dating for three years. It's time. This is how it works.
00:21:28A, that is bullshit. And B, she is a complete bitch.
00:21:31Hey, that's his fiancée.
00:21:34What? It's true. It's true. You know it's true. She beats him.
00:21:37That was twice, and I was out of line.
00:21:40She's strong-willed. And I respect that.
00:21:43Wow. Wow.
00:21:45He's in denial. Not to mention, she fucked a sailor.
00:21:48Hey, he wasn't a sailor.
00:21:50He was a bartender on a cruise ship. You know that.
00:21:53Guys, I'm standing right here. So I can hear everything that you're saying.
00:21:58Hey, guys. You ready to let the dogs out?
00:22:00- What? - Do what?
00:22:02Let the dogs out. You know.
00:22:06Who brought this guy?
00:22:07Yes, Alan, we are ready to let the dogs out.
00:22:10- Hey, congrats. - Thank you.
00:22:24I love this fucking town.
00:22:34- You're not really wearing that, are you? - Wearing what?
00:22:37The man-purse.
00:22:39You're actually gonna wear that or are you guys fucking with me?
00:22:42It's where I keep all my things. I get a lot of compliments on this.
00:22:45Plus, it's not a man-purse. It's called a satchel.
00:22:48Indiana Jones wears one.
00:22:50So does Joy Behar.
00:22:55- We're going up, guys. - Yeah, that's perfect.
00:22:57Really?
00:22:59We're going up?
00:23:06I'm just saying, it's clearly marked, okay?
00:23:09We are definitely not supposed to be up here.
00:23:11Come on, we're paying for a villa. We can do whatever the fuck we want.
00:23:14- Yeah, but... - Just wedge the door open.
00:23:16- Guys, come on up here. - Fine.
00:23:23How the hell did you find this place?
00:23:25Don't worry about it.
00:23:27Oh!
00:23:29- You all right? - Yeah.
00:23:31- Look at the view up here. - You happy?
00:23:35- This is great. - Whoa!
00:23:37Are you kidding?
00:23:39Alan, how we doing, buddy? - Good.
00:23:41What do you got over there, Alan? That's the Eiffel Tower.
00:23:45Uh-oh.
00:23:46- Right? - A little Jägermeister.
00:23:48- Good idea. - There it is. Good call.
00:23:50On the roof.
00:23:51Um, no, this is good. I'd like to make a toast.
00:23:55To Doug and Tracy.
00:23:57May tonight be...
00:24:00...but a minor speed bump...
00:24:03...in an otherwise very long and healthy marriage.
00:24:06- Cheers. - Cheers.
00:24:07Short and sweet.
00:24:12Oh, it's like college.
00:24:13- All right. I wanna talk about something. All right.
00:24:16- I want to... I'd like to...
00:24:18I'd like to say something...
00:24:21...that I prepared...
00:24:23...tonight. - All right, Alan.
00:24:30"Hello."
00:24:33How about that ride in?
00:24:35I guess that's why they call it Sin City.
00:24:40You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner.
00:24:45I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack.
00:24:50But when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own.
00:24:54And my wolf pack, it grew by one.
00:24:58So were there two... So there were two of us in the wolf pack.
00:25:01I was alone first in the pack, and then Doug joined in later.
00:25:07And six months ago...
00:25:08...when Doug introduced me to you guys, I thought:
00:25:12'Wait a second. Could it be? ' And now, I know for sure.
00:25:16"I just added two more guys to my wolf pack."
00:25:19- All right. - All right.
00:25:21"Four of us wolves..."
00:25:23...running around the desert together in Las Vegas...
00:25:27"...looking for strippers and cocaine."
00:25:29So tonight...
00:25:32...I make a toast. - Whoa.
00:25:33- What...? - What do you got there?
00:25:35Dude, what the fuck? What the hell are you doing?
00:25:41- What is that? - Blood brothers.
00:25:44- Don't... Why did you...? - Damn it.
00:25:46- Here. - Alan...
00:25:47- No. - No, I'm not doing that.
00:25:49Go ahead, Stuart. - Make him stop.
00:25:51Alan, we're not gonna cut ourselves. Give me the knife.
00:25:53Slowly. Thank you. Okay. Thank you very much.
00:25:56You all right? Are you okay? Mm-hm.
00:25:58- Do you need a doctor? - He's good.
00:26:00You sure? I'm good.
00:26:01All right, good, because I need everybody to focus.
00:26:04I wanna take a moment, I wanna talk about some... I wanna talk about memory.
00:26:08No, better yet, I wanna talk about selective memory.
00:26:11You see, whatever happens here tonight may as well never have happened at all...
00:26:17...because this circle's about as far as it's ever gonna go.
00:26:20In other words, forget everything.
00:26:25Doug, I'm serious. I got a wife and kid.
00:26:28Okay, good or bad, we don't remember so we got nothing to talk about.
00:26:32Nothing, guys. Nothing.
00:26:35Deal?
00:26:37- Deal. Deal.
00:26:39- Perfect. Alan, come here, buddy. Get in here, crazy.
00:26:44All right, to a night we'll never remember...
00:26:50...but the four of us will never forget.
00:26:57There it is. Hear, hear.
00:26:59Hey, thanks, guys.
00:29:26Hm.
00:29:27Stupid tiger.
00:29:36What the fuck?
00:29:39Control yourself, man. Goddamn, will you put on some pants?
00:29:42- Phil, do not go in the bathroom. - AI, just calm down. It's me.
00:29:45Phil, there is a tiger in the bathroom.
00:29:47- What's going on? - There's a jungle cat in the bathroom!
00:29:50- Okay, okay, Al. Al, I'll check it out. Don't go in.
00:29:53Don't go in, don't go in. Be careful. Don't, don't.
00:29:58- Oh! Holy fuck! He's not kidding. See? See?
00:30:00- There's a tiger in there. - No, there isn't.
00:30:03Yeah!
00:30:04- It's big. Gigantic. - You okay, buddy?
00:30:08No. I am in so much pain right now.
00:30:11Goddamn. Look at this place.
00:30:14Whew.
00:30:16I know. Phil, they have my credit card downstairs. I am so screwed.
00:30:20How does a tiger get in the bathroom? It almost killed me.
00:30:23Hey, bro? You mind putting on some pants?
00:30:25I find it a little weird I have to ask twice.
00:30:27Pants at a time like this? I don't have any p...
00:30:31What the fuck happened last night?
00:30:33Hey, Phil, am I missing a tooth?
00:30:37I can't... Oh, shit.
00:30:42Oh, my God.
00:30:45My lateral incisor's... It's gone!
00:30:47It's okay. Okay, okay. Just calm down. We're fine. Everything's fine.
00:30:52Alan, go wake up Doug.
00:30:53Let's get some coffee and get the fuck out of Nevada before housekeeping shows.
00:30:57What am I gonna tell Melissa? I lost a tooth.
00:30:59I have no idea how it happened.
00:31:01You're freaking me out, man.
00:31:02I got a massive headache, okay? Let's just calm down.
00:31:05How am I supposed to calm down? Look around you.
00:31:08- Hey, guys, he's not in there. - Did you check all the rooms?
00:31:11Yeah, I looked everywhere. Plus, his mattress is gone.
00:31:14He probably went to the pool to get something to eat.
00:31:17I'll just call his cell.
00:31:19I look like a nerdy hillbilly.
00:31:35- Hello? - Alan.
00:31:37Hey.
00:31:39- It's Phil. - Oh, hey, Phi...
00:31:42This is Doug's phone. This is Doug's phone.
00:31:45- No shit. - Yeah.
00:31:50What the fuck is that?
00:31:59Whose fucking baby is that?
00:32:01Alan, are you sure you didn't see anyone else in the suite?
00:32:04Yeah, I checked all the rooms. No one's here.
00:32:06Check its collar or something.
00:32:09Shh. Shh.
00:32:11- It's okay, baby. - Stu, we don't have time for this.
00:32:14Let's go hook up with Doug, we'll deal with the baby later.
00:32:16Phil, we're not gonna leave a baby in the room.
00:32:19- There's a fucking tiger in the bathroom. - It's not our baby.
00:32:22Yeah, I gotta side with Stu on this one.
00:32:24All right, fine. Okay, we'll take it with us.
00:32:26Could you at least just find some pants?
00:32:36Why can't we remember a goddamn thing from last night?
00:32:40Because we obviously had a great fucking time.
00:32:44Why don't you just stop worrying for one minute?
00:32:47Be proud of yourself.
00:32:49I don't know, Phil. Maybe it's because I'm missing a tooth.
00:32:53Or maybe it's because there's a tiger in our hotel room...
00:32:58...which, incidentally, is completely destroyed.
00:33:03Oh, no, no. Wait, wait, wait, I know.
00:33:06Maybe it's because we found a baby, a human baby.
00:33:11That's it. That's it.
00:33:12It's because we found a fucking baby.
00:33:17- You shouldn't curse around the child. - Really? You shouldn't be around a child.
00:33:28Oh, how cute. What's his name?
00:33:32- Ben. - Carlos.
00:33:36Carlos?
00:33:48Thank you.
00:33:55Hey, Phil, look.
00:34:01He's jacking his little weenie.
00:34:03- Pull yourself together, man. - Not at the table, Carlos.
00:34:11I looked everywhere.
00:34:13Gym, casino, front desk. Nobody's seen Doug. He's not here.
00:34:16He's fine. He's a grown man.
00:34:18Seriously, Stu, you gotta calm down. Here, have some juice.
00:34:26I can't have juice right now.
00:34:27Okay. All right. Let's just track this thing.
00:34:31What's the last thing we remember doing last night?
00:34:34Well, the first thing was we were on the roof...
00:34:36...and were having those shots of Jäger.
00:34:40And then we ate dinner at The Palm. Right?
00:34:43That's right.
00:34:44And then we played craps at the Hard Rock, and I think Doug was there.
00:34:48That sounds right. No, no. He definitely was.
00:34:50You know what, guys? I don't even remember going to dinner.
00:34:53What the fuck? I don't think I've ever been this hung-over.
00:34:56After the Hard Rock, I blacked out. It was like emptiness.
00:35:00Okay. We have up until 10 p. M...
00:35:02...so that gives us a 12-hour window where we could have lost him.
00:35:06What is this? - Oh, my God. That is my tooth.
00:35:10Why do you have that? What else is in your pockets?
00:35:13This is a good thing. No. Check your pockets. Check your pockets.
00:35:16Do you have anything?
00:35:18I have an ATM receipt from the Bellagio.
00:35:21Eleven-oh-five for $800! I am so fucked.
00:35:28I have a valet ticket from Caesars. Looks like we got in at 5:15 a.m.
00:35:32Oh, shit. We drove last night?
00:35:36Driving drunk. Classic.
00:35:41What's on your arm?
00:35:44- What the fuck is that? - Jesus, Phil.
00:35:46- You were in the hospital last night. - I guess so, yeah.
00:35:49- You okay? - Yeah, Alan. I'm fine.
00:35:51What the hell is going on?
00:35:53Well, Stu, Stu, this is a good thing. We have a lead now.
00:35:56Hey, Stu, watch this.
00:36:02- You ever seen a baby do that? - Dude, Alan, not cool.
00:36:07So, uh, are you sure you're qualified to be taking care of that baby?
00:36:13What? I've found a baby before.
00:36:15- You found a baby before? - Yeah.
00:36:17- Where? - Coffee Bean.
00:36:20Wait, what?
00:36:22Hey, Phil? I don't think Doug would want us to take the Mercedes.
00:36:25Relax, we'll be careful.
00:36:26My dad is crazy about that car. He left Doug in charge...
00:36:29Alan. We got bigger problems here.
00:36:32Doug could be in the hospital, he could be hurt.
00:36:35- Let's worry about the car later. - Uh, guys? Check it out.
00:36:42All right, grab it from the other side.
00:36:44Is that the mattress from Doug's room?
00:36:47What the fuck?
00:36:50Hey, man, what's going on here?
00:36:52Some asshole threw his bed out the window last night.
00:36:56- No shit. - Yeah.
00:36:58Some guys just can't handle Vegas.
00:37:02Ha-ha.
00:37:04Oh, God.
00:37:06It's gonna be okay, Stu.
00:37:09How the hell did we manage that?
00:37:15- Here's your car, officers. - Oh, God.
00:37:18All right, everybody act cool. All right, don't say a word.
00:37:21Come on, let's just get in and go. Come on.
00:37:27- Stu, you got a five? No.
00:37:30I'll hit you on the way back. VALET: Thank you, sir.
00:37:33Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
00:37:37You just nailed the baby.
00:37:39Are my glasses okay?
00:37:41Your glasses are fine, dick.
00:37:49This is so illegal.
00:37:52Can't you see the fun part in anything?
00:37:55Yeah, we're stuck in traffic in a stolen police car...
00:37:58...with a missing child in the back seat.
00:38:00Which part of this is fun?
00:38:02- I think the cop-car part's pretty cool. - Thank you, Alan. It is cool.
00:38:07Doug would love it.
00:38:09Come on.
00:38:14- Check this out. Oh, no. No, Phil. No, Phil.
00:38:17Don't do this!
00:38:18Take it easy. - Just try to call more attention to us.
00:38:20PHIL [OVER PA]: Attention. - Sorry.
00:38:22Attention, please. Move out of the way.
00:38:24I repeat, please disperse.
00:38:28Phil, stop the car, I wanna get out. Stop the car, I wanna get out. Pull over.
00:38:32Ma'am, in the leopard dress, you have an amazing rack.
00:38:37Get off the sidewalk! Get off the sidewalk!
00:38:39I should have been a fucking cop.
00:38:48Look, I already told you.
00:38:49You came in with a mild concussion, some bruised ribs. No big deal.
00:38:52Although none of you could articulate how it happened.
00:38:55Do you remember how many of us were here?
00:38:58Ah...
00:38:59I don't know. I think it was just you guys. Definitely no baby.
00:39:03- And one other guy. - That's our guy. Was he okay?
00:39:07Yeah. He was fine. Just whacked out of his mind. You all were.
00:39:11All right, come forward. And turn.
00:39:15All right.
00:39:17There you go. And cough.
00:39:21Cough. Cough. Give me one more.
00:39:25All right. Thattaboy.
00:39:29Okay, Felix, you can put your robe on.
00:39:31And the nurse will be in here in a minute.
00:39:33I'll see you after the weekend.
00:39:35Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, doctor.
00:39:40Guys, I really gotta go. I'm sorry. I have a surgery up on the fourth floor.
00:39:45No, I know. But we just need a couple more minutes of your time.
00:39:50Yeah. Tuck it right in there. I don't want to re-sterilize.
00:39:55Walk with me.
00:39:59Okay, here we go. Patient name, Phil Wenneck, 2:45 a.m. Arrival.
00:40:04Minor concussion, like I said. Some bruising. Pretty standard.
00:40:07Do you mind if I look? I'm actually a doctor.
00:40:10Yeah, you said that several times last night.
00:40:12But really, you're just a dentist.
00:40:15Okay, this is interesting. Your blood work came in this morning.
00:40:19Wow.
00:40:22They found a large amount of Ruphylin in your system.
00:40:26Ruphylin. Roofies. Commonly known as the date-rape drug.
00:40:29What, so, what are you saying, I was raped last night?
00:40:33Actually...
00:40:39I don't think so. But someone did slip you the drug.
00:40:42I'm not surprised you don't remember anything.
00:40:45Doc, none of us can remember anything from last night. Remember?
00:40:49Yeah. How could someone have drugged all of us?
00:40:52VALSH: I wouldn't worry about it.
00:40:53The stuff's out of your system. You're gonna be fine.
00:40:56Wait, wait, wait. Please, doctor. Is there anything else?
00:40:59Like, something we may have been talking about, or some place we were going?
00:41:03Actually, there was something.
00:41:05You guys kept talking about some wedding last night.
00:41:08Yeah. No shit. Our buddy Doug's getting married tomorrow.
00:41:11- You know what? I want the 100 back. - No, no. Easy.
00:41:13You kept talking about some wedding you just came from.
00:41:16At the, uh, Best Little Chapel.
00:41:17You kept saying how sick the wedding was and getting all crazy about it.
00:41:21Okay, I hope this helps. I really have to leave.
00:41:23Best Little Chapel, do you know where that is?
00:41:26I do. It's at the corner of Get A Map and Fuck Off.
00:41:32I'm a doctor, not a tour guide.
00:41:34Figure it out yourself, okay? You're big boys.
00:41:49What about the baby?
00:41:50Leave him in the car. We're gonna be five minutes.
00:41:53Whoa, we're not leaving a baby in the car.
00:41:55He'll be fine. I cracked the window.
00:42:02- What if they don't remember us? - Well, let's just find out.
00:42:06I'm sor... Excuse me, sir? Hi.
00:42:10Look at these guys.
00:42:12What happened? You miss me? You miss Eddie? You want more from me?
00:42:15How are you, my friend? Look at this guy. You're fucking crazy.
00:42:19What's going on, man?
00:42:20Listen, I'm gonna tell you something. I know some sick people in my life.
00:42:24This guy is the craziest, wildest bastard I ever met in my life, man.
00:42:29- This guy? - This guy is out of his mind.
00:42:31What's going on, you fucking crazy motherfucker?
00:42:33I thought he was gonna eat my dick.
00:42:36What happened? No love for Eddie? You don't hug me?
00:42:38No, no. It's not that, Eddie.
00:42:41Uh, it's just that we're having a hard time
00:42:43remembering what happened here last night.
00:42:45Yeah, was there a wedding here? Do you do weddings here?
00:42:50You are cracking my balls, man.
00:42:51I love these guys. Zolea, what are you doing?
00:42:55Bring my friends some tea, some baklava, huh? Come on.
00:42:57Unbelievable, man. Look at this chick. Beautiful ass, no fucking brain.
00:43:01But this is Vegas. You want intimacy, forget it. You're gonna get sex.
00:43:05That's it here, man. No problem for me, though.
00:43:07You want chicks? I can get you beautiful chicks...
00:43:10...from the Eastern Bloc. No questions.
00:43:12Clean, tight. The tits like that, the nipple like that.
00:43:15Obviously we were here. We're looking for our friend Doug.
00:43:18- Do you remember? - Yeah, the small guy. Like a monkey.
00:43:21- Yeah. - You saw him?
00:43:22Of course.
00:43:23Is there anything you can tell us about what may have happened last night?
00:43:29You don't remember nothing?
00:43:34- Congratulations, Stu, you got married. - This... This can't be happening.
00:43:39- Oh, God. Look at that.
00:43:45I'll tell you one thing, you look seriously happy here, man.
00:43:50That's it. My life is over.
00:43:52Stu, it's okay. Look, shit happens.
00:43:53Come on. Melissa's not gonna know anything about this.
00:43:56- This never happened. I'll take care of it.
00:43:58- Come on. Put it here.
00:43:59Hey, what's all that?
00:44:01The High Roller package. It's what you ordered. I have coffee mugs.
00:44:05- What? EDDIE: You have baseball caps, huh?
00:44:07And fancy calendars, all with pictures of Stu and Jade.
00:44:11Her name's Jade?
00:44:12Yeah, and she's beautiful, man. Clean, very tight. Tits like that.
00:44:15- But that's because she had a baby. That explains the baby.
00:44:18- Oh, Carlos. Carlos. - Great. All right.
00:44:21Uh, here's the deal. We made a mistake last night.
00:44:23We need this marriage annulled. You do annulments?
00:44:25Of course I do. It breaks my heart and gonna make me sad...
00:44:28...but it's no problem. Good price for you.
00:44:30I can't do it with just him, though. I need the chick. I need both parties.
00:44:34Oh, not a problem. That's great. Isn't that great, Stu?
00:44:37Come on, buddy. She probably knows where Doug is.
00:44:39- Awesome. - All right, all right. Okay. Uh...
00:44:43We need her address. She filled out some paperwork, right?
00:44:46Of course.
00:44:47Hey. Excuse me. What is the matter with you? Go and get the paperwork, man.
00:44:51- I spend my life waiting for you. Come on. - Okay. I'm going.
00:44:54EDDIE: And get the baklava, please.
00:45:00- Hey, Phil, what about my dad's car? - I'm sure Doug has it. We'll get it back.
00:45:05Then I vote we torch the cop car and all this shit with it.
00:45:09- Torch it? Who are you? - I don't know, Phil.
00:45:13Apparently I'm a guy who marries complete strangers.
00:45:16This whole situation is completely fucked.
00:45:21- These mugs. This hat. This car. - Hey!
00:45:25It's all evidence of a night that never happened.
00:45:28That is why we're torching all of it.
00:45:30Whoa, I'm a schoolteacher, I got a family, okay?
00:45:33I'm all for secrecy, but I'm not gonna torch a cop car.
00:45:36- Fine. I'll do it. - Can I help?
00:45:38- Yeah, thanks. - And how exactly are you gonna do that?
00:45:40Easy. You just pour kerosene over a ferret, light it on both ends, put it in.
00:45:44They're attracted to the gas lines.
00:45:46- What? A ferret? - Yeah. Yeah.
00:45:47Or a tamed raccoon, but it's a lot of trouble.
00:45:50If you wanna... - Does it matter if it's tamed?
00:45:53Yeah, because if it's untamed, it won't take the kerosene as well.
00:45:57- Is it Doug? - I don't have it.
00:45:59It's Doug, it's Doug.
00:46:01Uh, it's Melissa.
00:46:02- Don't answer. - I have to. She's called twice already!
00:46:05- Can I ride shotgun? Don't touch me.
00:46:06Hey, sweetheart, how are you?
00:46:08There you are. This is the third time I'm trying you.
00:46:12I know. The reception up here's crazy.
00:46:15I think it's all the sequoia trees, block the signal.
00:46:18Ugh, I hate that. So how was it last night?
00:46:21Ah, it was really fun, actually. It was quiet, but it was a good time.
00:46:24MELISSA: That sounds nice.
00:46:27- I'm learning all kinds of vino factoids. - Hi.
00:46:31It'd be so cool if I could breast-feed, you know?
00:46:34Well, listen...
00:46:36...we're about to go for a tractor ride. What the fuck?
00:46:39I should get going. So pretty. A tractor ride?
00:46:44- Go, out of the car! - What was that?
00:46:46They started up the tractor. I think it backfired.
00:46:48- Where the hell is he? Hey, easy, easy.
00:46:51I think we're looking for the same guy, okay?
00:46:54Hey! What the hell, man?
00:46:57What the fuck, Stu? Is that a baby?
00:47:00Why would there be a baby? We're at a winery. That's a goat.
00:47:03- Where is he? - I don't know! What are you talking about?
00:47:06Sir, can you please start the tractor so we can get out of here?
00:47:09I'm trying to, but we're fucking blocked.
00:47:11Oh, my God! What the hell is happening, Stu?
00:47:14- Hey! There's a baby on board! - Someone just said "baby."
00:47:17- Get out of the car! - It's a baby goat.
00:47:20Why you making trouble for my business, man?
00:47:22- Go away from here. - Get out of the car!
00:47:24- Phil, he's got a gun! - No shit he's got a gun!
00:47:26- I gotta call you back. Bye. - Come on.
00:47:30Fuck! Shit. EDDIE: He shot me!
00:47:32- He shot Eddie! - Fuck this shit!
00:47:38Fuck! Fuck!
00:47:40Go, go, go!
00:47:45Fuck.
00:47:46Okay. Oh, that was some sick shit!
00:47:50Who were those guys?
00:47:51We're gonna be okay. Everything's gonna be okay.
00:47:53What the fuck is going on?!
00:47:56I have no idea.
00:48:04Why don't you just let that go to voice-mail?
00:48:06Ha-ha-ha.
00:48:09That's a fake laugh, by the way.
00:48:14It's got, uh, Ted Danson and Magnum P.I. And that Jewish actor.
00:48:19Shut up, Alan.
00:48:21- What room was it again? - It's 825.
00:48:23WO I know, I did. I already checked with her.
00:48:26I found him, I'll call you back. Thank God, he's with his father.
00:48:30I was freaking out. I missed you, sweetie.
00:48:34And I miss you.
00:48:41No.
00:48:43- What the hell happened to you guys?
00:48:44- Actually, we were hoping you could tell us.
00:48:47What do you mean? I got up this morning, I went to get coffee...
00:48:50...and I came back and you were gone.
00:48:53- Why are you being so quiet? - I'm not being quiet.
00:48:58Ha, ha. You're so cute.
00:48:59Yeah, I gotta feed Tyler. Come inside, you guys.
00:49:04Did you hear that? Baby's name is Tyler.
00:49:07Yeah. I thought he looked more like a Carlos too, bud.
00:49:14Okay, what's up? You guys are acting weird.
00:49:18- Look, it's Jade, right? - Very funny, Phil.
00:49:21Right, Jade, uh, ahem, you remember our friend, Doug.
00:49:25Are you kidding? He was the best man.
00:49:27Exactly. Well, we can't find him, and we're getting worried.
00:49:30Oh, my God, that is so Doug.
00:49:33Ha, ha. Oh.
00:49:36Oh, sweetie, I'm... I'm gonna go clean him off.
00:49:38It's all right, Daddy didn't mean it.
00:49:41Oh, my God.
00:49:42What the fuck, man, you gotta hold it together.
00:49:44- Holy shit. - She is super hot.
00:49:46- You should be proud of yourself. - She's wearing my grandmother's ring!
00:49:50- What? - The ring I'm gonna give to Melissa.
00:49:52You remember, my grandmother's Holocaust ring?
00:49:54- Fuck. Okay. - She's wearing it.
00:49:56I didn't know they gave out rings at the Holocaust.
00:50:00- He's okay. Oh, good.
00:50:02He was just hungry, he's fine. - Oh, good.
00:50:04About last night, uh, ahem, do you remember the last time you saw Doug?
00:50:09- Uh, I haven't seen him since the wedding. - The wedding. Okay. Great.
00:50:13And, uh, we can't re... What time was that at?
00:50:16Well, it was, um...
00:50:21I guess it was around 1, because I had to go back to work and finish my shift.
00:50:24And then when I got out I headed over to the hotel with Tyler.
00:50:27And was Doug there then?
00:50:29I didn't see Doug because you guys were passed out. The room was a wreck.
00:50:32- So I just curled up next to Stu. Uh-huh.
00:50:35- Rowr. - Oh.
00:50:39I got a question. Um, you said when your shift ended.
00:50:42Does that mean you're a nurse? Or a blackjack dealer?
00:50:47- You know this. I'm a stripper. - Mm-hm.
00:50:49Well, technically I'm an escort, but
00:50:51stripping's a great way to meet the clients.
00:50:53- Smart. - Savvy.
00:50:56But that's all in the past, now that I married a doctor.
00:51:00I'm just a dentist.
00:51:03- Las Vegas Police! Freeze! - Okay.
00:51:05Shut that baby up! Shut that baby up!
00:51:07Oh, God! Okay, okay, okay.
00:51:15After we take the mug shots, we bring them down here...
00:51:18...where they wait to be interviewed by the arresting officers.
00:51:22Trust me, kids, you do not wanna be sitting on these benches.
00:51:25We call this place Loserville.
00:51:30Follow me. All right, let's do it. Come on.
00:51:38Hello.
00:51:39- Hey, Tracy! It's Phil. TRACY: Hey, Phil.
00:51:42- Where are you guys? - We are at the spa at the hotel.
00:51:47Cool. We're just getting some sun. Is Doug around?
00:51:50Of course. Why wouldn't he be?
00:51:52I'm just wondering why you're calling me.
00:51:54Um...
00:51:56We made a deal, no talking to girlfriends or wives.
00:51:59So we're all calling each other's.
00:52:03TRACY: Okay. What's up?
00:52:04Uh, you are not gonna believe this. We got comped an extra night at the hotel.
00:52:09You did?
00:52:10Yeah. The suite is... It's ridiculous. It's out of control.
00:52:13There's, like, room service and a butler. I mean, just the works.
00:52:17We're thinking of spending the night...
00:52:19...and we're gonna come back in the morning.
00:52:21You wanna stay an extra night? But the wedding's tomorrow.
00:52:25That's why we're gonna get up early, and we'll be back in plenty of time.
00:52:29Okay. Are you sure that's a good idea?
00:52:31Wenneck, Price, Garner. Room 3.
00:52:34Okay, Trace, I gotta go. We'll talk to you later.
00:52:36Uh...
00:52:40- Come on, chop-chop. - Okay, spin around.
00:52:43- That's it. - Goddamn it.
00:52:45- Wait a second. - I'll go over. I'll go over.
00:52:47Stop pulling. Can you just...? Hold on.
00:52:49We got it. Alan, just relax. And then just... There we go.
00:52:52Good.
00:53:00Gentlemen.
00:53:01We've got some good news, and we've got some bad news.
00:53:05The good news is we found your Mercedes.
00:53:08- That's great news. - That's great. See?
00:53:10Yeah, it's over at impound right now. We picked it up at 5 a.m. This morning...
00:53:14...parked in the middle of Las Vegas Boulevard.
00:53:17In the middle. That's weird. - Yeah, that is weird.
00:53:21There was also a note.
00:53:23It says, uh, "Couldn't find a meter, but here's 4 bucks."
00:53:29The bad news is...
00:53:32...we can't get you in front of a judge until Monday morning.
00:53:35Oh, no, uh, officer, that's just impossible.
00:53:39No, we need to be in L.A. Tomorrow for a wedding.
00:53:41- You stole a police car.
00:53:44- We didn't steal anything. Um, we found it.
00:53:47Yeah, if anything, we deserve a reward or something, like a trophy.
00:53:50- I see assholes like you every day. - Every fucking day.
00:53:54"Let's go to Vegas, we'll all get drunk and laid!"
00:53:56- Yeah. Whoo! Woo-hoo. - Woo-hoo.
00:53:58"Let's steal a cop car, because it'd be really fucking funny."
00:54:01Think you gonna get away with it? Not up in here.
00:54:04- Not up in here! - Oh.
00:54:06Uh...
00:54:09Sir...
00:54:11...if I may, um...
00:54:12...I'm assuming that that squad car belongs to one of you.
00:54:15- Yeah. Yeah.
00:54:17Look, I'm not a cop.
00:54:20I'm no hero. I'm a schoolteacher.
00:54:24But if one of my kids went missing on a field trip...
00:54:28...that would look really bad on me.
00:54:31- What are you getting at? - Yeah, Phil, what are you getting at?
00:54:34No one wants to look bad. We gotta get to a wedding...
00:54:38...and you guys don't need people talking about...
00:54:40...how some obnoxious tourists borrowed your squad car last night.
00:54:44But look, the point is, I think we can work out a deal.
00:54:47Discreetly of course, ma'am.
00:54:50What do you say?
00:55:01FRANKLIN: Let me ask you a question:
00:55:02Do, uh, any of you gentlemen have a heart condition or anything like that?
00:55:08Uh, no.
00:55:11Okay, kids, you're in for a real treat today.
00:55:13These gentlemen have kindly volunteered to demonstrate...
00:55:16...how a stun gun is used to subdue a suspect.
00:55:19Ooh!
00:55:21- That's right. - Wait a sec. What?
00:55:22Now, there's two ways to use a stun gun. Up close and personal.
00:55:28- What the fuck? - Or you can shoot it from a distance.
00:55:31Do I have any volunteers? You wanna come up here and do some shooting? Huh?
00:55:35All right, how about you, young lady? Come on up here. All right.
00:55:38Let's go, handsome, come on.
00:55:40Not you, fat Jesus, slide it on back. You, pretty boy.
00:55:44GIRL: Fat Jesus. FRANKLIN: All right, now, it's real simple.
00:55:46All you gotta do is point, aim and shoot.
00:55:49All right?
00:55:51Okay, look. You don't really wanna do this.
00:55:54You can do this. Just focus.
00:55:56Don't listen to this maniac. Let's think this through.
00:55:59Finish him!
00:56:00Oh, fuck. FRANKLIN: Yeah!
00:56:04Right in the nuts! That was beautiful.
00:56:08- Well done. Give her a hand, everybody. - Good job. Good job.
00:56:13Good job. Well done. Good job. That was great.
00:56:17Good. Hey, we got one more charge left. Anybody wanna do some shooting up here?
00:56:23How about you, big man? Come on up here.
00:56:41Okay, same instructions. Just point, aim and shoot.
00:56:49There you go. That's the stuff.
00:56:51I like the intensity.
00:56:54Eye of the tiger. Good.
00:56:56You're holding 50,000 volts, little man. Don't be afraid to ride the lightning.
00:57:03In the face! In the face!
00:57:08Oh, he's still up. He's still up.
00:57:11- Aah! - No.
00:57:12All right, everybody relax, take it easy.
00:57:15We've seen it before. He just needs a little extra charge.
00:57:19There we go.
00:57:22Some of these big boys, you gotta give them two shots.
00:57:25All right, kids, who wants to get their fingerprints done, huh? Come on, let's go.
00:57:30Fuck those guys, you hear me?
00:57:33That was bullshit. I'm telling everybody we stole a cop car.
00:57:36- They let us go, who cares? - I care!
00:57:39You can't just do that. You can't just tase people because you think it's funny.
00:57:44That's police brutality.
00:57:50I'm getting a soda. Do you guys want anything?
00:57:53No.
00:57:58My man doesn't shut up. Jesus Christ.
00:58:03Alan, you okay?
00:58:06I'm just worried.
00:58:09What if something happened to Doug? Something bad.
00:58:12Come on, you can't think like that.
00:58:14I mean, what if he's dead?
00:58:16I can't afford to lose anybody close to me again. It hurts too much.
00:58:20- I was so upset when my grandpa died. - Oh, I'm s... How'd he die?
00:58:24- World War II. - Died in battle?
00:58:27No, he was skiing in Vermont. It was just during World War II.
00:58:31Alan...
00:58:33...Doug is fine. - Well, why hasn't he called?
00:58:36I don't know, but we're gonna figure it out.
00:58:39I'll tell you another thing, 6-1 odds our car is beat to shit.
00:58:43Stu, not now.
00:58:44No, how much do you wanna bet it's fucked beyond recognition?
00:58:47That's enough. Alan's seriously worried, okay? Let's not freak him out any more.
00:58:55Sorry, Alan.
00:58:56You know what?
00:58:58We'll search the car for clues and everything's gonna be okay.
00:59:03Oh, shit. I can't watch. Just tell me what it looks like.
00:59:07Not looking. Not looking.
00:59:11- Wow. All right. Oh, thank God.
00:59:14You see?
00:59:17It's gonna be all right.
00:59:25- Anything? Hmm, I got a cigar.
00:59:28Oh, I found, uh... These are some black shoes.
00:59:31- They women's shoes? - I don't know.
00:59:34- Whose are those? - I don't know. It's a men's size 6.
00:59:38- That's weird. - What is this, a snakeskin?
00:59:40Oh, come on! Ew!
00:59:42- That's a used condom, Alan. - Oh, God. Blech!
00:59:45- Get it out of the car. Gross, it's wet.
00:59:47- I don't want the thing. - Hey! Come on.
00:59:50I got jizz on me. Jesus Christ, guys!
00:59:54Get it out. Fuck!
00:59:57Oh, my God.
00:59:59All right, what the fuck, man? We gotta get this shit together, guys!
01:00:06What was that?
01:00:08It's in the trunk.
01:00:10- Doug's in the trunk. Oh, fuck! Holy shit!
01:00:13Holy shit!
01:00:15- Open it! Open it! Open it! Okay, okay, okay.
01:00:17Okay, okay, okay.
01:00:21Oh God!
01:00:24Please! Please! Please stop!
01:00:34Whoa. I'm with you, I'm with you!
01:00:36- You gonna fuck on me? - Nobody's gonna fuck on you!
01:00:40We're on your side. I hate Godzilla! I hate him too. I hate him!
01:00:44He destroys cities! Please!
01:00:47This isn't your fault. I'll get you some pants.
01:00:56What the fuck was that?
01:01:00I have internal bleeding. Somebody call 911.
01:01:04That was some fucked up shit.
01:01:07Who was that guy? He was so mean.
01:01:12Guys, there's something I need to tell you.
01:01:16Last night on the roof, before we went out...
01:01:21...I slipped something in our Jägermeister.
01:01:25- What? - I'm sorry, I fudged up, guys.
01:01:29- You drugged us? - No, I didn't drug you.
01:01:32I was told it was ecstasy.
01:01:35Well, who told you it was ecstasy?
01:01:37The guy I bought it from at the liquor store.
01:01:40Why would you give us ecstasy?
01:01:41I wanted everybody to have a good time and I knew you guys wouldn't take it.
01:01:45It was just one hit each. I used to do three hits a night.
01:01:49But it wasn't ecstasy, Alan, it was roofies!
01:01:53You think I knew that, Stu?
01:01:55The guy I bought it from seemed like a real straight shooter.
01:01:58You mean the drug dealer at the liquor store wasn't a good guy?
01:02:01Let's just calm down.
01:02:02You fucking calm down! He drugged us. I lost a tooth. I married a whore.
01:02:08- How dare you! She's a nice lady. - You are such a fucking moron.
01:02:12- Your language is offensive. Fuck you!
01:02:15All right, let's just take a deep breath, okay?
01:02:18Seriously, this is a good thing.
01:02:20At least it's not some stranger who drugged us for God knows what reason.
01:02:24Yeah, you're right, Phil, it's totally a good thing.
01:02:28We're so much better off now.
01:02:30Here's something I would like to remind you two of:
01:02:34Our best friend Doug is probably facedown in a ditch right now...
01:02:38...with a meth-head butt-fucking his corpse.
01:02:42- That's highly unlikely. - It's true.
01:02:44Does not help. All right, let's get our shit together, guys.
01:02:48Let's go back to the hotel, and I'm gonna make a couple calls.
01:02:51Maybe Doug's back there. Maybe he's asleep.
01:02:53Come on. Let's go.
01:02:56- Stu? Little help? Shut up.
01:03:03Ow. - Oh, God. Oh, God, are you okay?
01:03:06Yeah, I'm fine. - Alan, I'm sorry.
01:03:19Wait, guys. Guys.
01:03:21What about the tiger? What if he got out?
01:03:23Oh, fuck. I keep forgetting about the goddamn tiger.
01:03:28How the fuck did he get in there?
01:03:30- I don't know, because I don't remember. - Shh. Stu. Stu, keep it down.
01:03:35Because one of the, uh, side effects of, uh, roofies is memory loss.
01:03:40You are literally too stupid to insult.
01:03:44- Thank you. - Hey.
01:03:51Hey, come on.
01:03:56Did we leave the music on?
01:03:59Hey. Shh.
01:04:02Don't make any sudden movements.
01:04:06- Unh. Whoa! - Aah!
01:04:07- Who the hell are you? - No, who are you?
01:04:09Quiet, quiet.
01:04:14Mike Tyson?
01:04:15Shh. This is my favorite part coming up right now.
01:04:28Need a chorus line, guys.
01:04:38One more time, guys.
01:04:41Oh, Jesus!
01:04:44Oh, fuck!
01:04:46Why did you do that?
01:04:48Mr. Tyson would like to know why is his tiger in your bathroom.
01:04:52Hold on, that was completely unnecessary.
01:04:54I'm a huge fan. When you knocked out Holmes, that was...
01:04:57Explain.
01:04:59All right, look, we were drugged last night.
01:05:01We have no memory of what happened.
01:05:03It's true.
01:05:04We got in all kinds of trouble last night and now we can't find our friend.
01:05:08If you wanna kill us, go ahead because I don't care anymore.
01:05:11- What are you talking about? - I don't care.
01:05:13Why the fuck would you wanna steal his tiger?
01:05:16We tend to do dumb shit when we're fucked up.
01:05:19- I don't believe these guys, man. - Wait, how did you guys find us?
01:05:23One of you dropped your jacket. Found it in the tigers' cage this morning.
01:05:27That's Doug's.
01:05:28Yeah, Doug. His wallet and his room key is in there.
01:05:32- No, that's our missing friend. LEONARD: I don't give a fuck.
01:05:35- Did you guys see him? MIKE: I was fast asleep.
01:05:37Because if he was up, this wouldn't have gone down so smoothly.
01:05:40Maybe one of the tigers ate his ass like Omar.
01:05:43Respect.
01:05:44Wha... What happened to Omar?
01:05:45Oh, don't worry about Omar, he's not with us no more.
01:05:48Okay, I know this is asking a lot...
01:05:50...but do you think we could go to your house and look around...
01:05:53...see if there's any clues?
01:05:55Absolutely. How else you think we're gonna get the tiger back anyway?
01:05:59- Come on, champ. - I'm sorry?
01:06:03We're not gonna put it in the Bentley. You brought it here, you bring it back.
01:06:07What you think, about 40 minutes?
01:06:10Don't make me come back for him.
01:06:16- That was Mike Tyson. - Yeah, no shit that was Mike Tyson.
01:06:19I'm just saying, he's still got it.
01:06:22Alan.
01:06:24Bud, are you okay?
01:06:25- Oh, my God. - Shit!
01:06:27Fuck, where'd he get him?
01:06:28Hey.
01:06:35This does not seem fair.
01:06:37It's Rock, Paper, Scissors. There's nothing more fair.
01:06:40- Alan should do it. - Alan took a punch from Mike Tyson.
01:06:44Come on. For Doug.
01:06:46Why are you peppering the steak? You don't know if tigers like pepper.
01:06:50Tigers love pepper. They hate cinnamon.
01:06:55Phil, just do it. You should do it.
01:06:58I would, but you lost. It wouldn't be right.
01:07:02Okay, I jammed five roofies in there.
01:07:04Just go in there and throw it in to him.
01:07:08Fine.
01:07:11Make sure he eats the whole thing.
01:07:18Fuck.
01:07:20Oh, fuck.
01:07:24Hey, kitty.
01:07:27Hey, sweetie, it's okay. I got a little snack for you.
01:07:31Real important that you eat this, okay?
01:07:34Yeah, just have a little...
01:07:40Shit!
01:07:44What do we do now?
01:07:46We wait.
01:07:57What do tigers dream of
01:08:00When they take a little tiger snooze?
01:08:04Do they dream of mauling zebras
01:08:08Or Halle Berry in her catwoman suit?
01:08:12Don't you worry your pretty striped head
01:08:15We're gonna get you back to Tyson And your cozy tiger bed
01:08:19And then we're gonna find Our best friend Doug
01:08:22And then we're gonna give him A best-friend hug
01:08:26Doug
01:08:28Doug
01:08:30Doug, Dougie, Dougie, Doug, Doug
01:08:34But if he's been murdered By crystal-meth tweakers
01:08:41Well, then we're shit out of luck
01:08:50By the way, we're all gonna die.
01:08:57Wait.
01:09:02Oh, God. Watch it!
01:09:03His nose. That's his nose.
01:09:11Please don't stop. Please don't stop.
01:09:15Please don't... Goddamn it.
01:09:18DAD: I'm gonna beat you! Ha-ha-ha.
01:09:22Oh... He won again.
01:09:26- Hey, fellas. Rough night? Mm-hm.
01:09:30Sweetie, stay close to Mama.
01:09:34- What's this? - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
01:09:36Take it easy, little man. You don't wanna be touching that.
01:09:40No, partner, that's not your property.
01:09:46So, what do you guys got under there?
01:09:48Just a whole bunch of "mind your own business."
01:09:51Easy, Phil. - He's correct. My fault.
01:09:54- You okay? - Aren't we riding an elevator?
01:09:56Why, is this Jeopardy? What the fuck is this bullshit?
01:09:59- Please, with the language. - Yes.
01:10:04- I fully agree. - Oh.
01:10:14Hey, guys, when's the next Halley's comet?
01:10:17- Who cares, man? - Do you know, Stu?
01:10:21I don't think it's for, like, another 60 years or something.
01:10:24- But it's not tonight, right? - No, I don't think so.
01:10:27But you don't know for sure?
01:10:30No.
01:10:31I got this cousin who saw one. He said it blew his mind.
01:10:34I wanna make sure I never, ever miss out on a Halley's Comet.
01:10:37So if you guys know if there's gonna be one...
01:10:40Oh, fuck!
01:10:41[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY & TIGER ROARING]
01:11:01- Oh, my God! Fuck it!
01:11:03Stu! Stu, it got me! Stu!
01:11:05You got clawed! You're bleeding!
01:11:10- Oh. I'm panicking.
01:11:12- Aah! Oh, my God.
01:11:14Okay. Okay, okay. Wait, hold on.
01:11:26- I can't do it. Get your fucking hand back in there...
01:11:28...and steer the car. - I'm too nervous.
01:11:30Alan. We need you, buddy. This is your time to shine, okay?
01:11:33Okay, yeah. Whew.
01:11:36Daddy's gonna kill me.
01:11:37- That's it. That's good.
01:11:39Keep it straight.
01:11:50- You're late. - Whatever, man.
01:11:52We had to push it the last mile.
01:11:54Come on in. Mike's got something he wants to show you.
01:12:02That thing's out of control, man. Seriously, you gotta put it down.
01:12:07When we got back, we took a look at the security cameras.
01:12:10Great.
01:12:14PHIL [ON VIDEO]: This is how you walk. This is how you walk.
01:12:16- Oh, it's Doug. - Oh, thank God he's alive.
01:12:20That's our buddy. That's who we've been missing.
01:12:23We're all best friends.
01:12:25Why don't you just pay attention? I don't have all night.
01:12:27Yeah, of course. Of course.
01:12:30What are you doing? Hey, guys. Check it out. Watch this.
01:12:34That's me, I'm on TV. I've never been on TV before.
01:12:37What are you doing, man?
01:12:39Really? Really, Alan?
01:12:42You got a fire hose, man?
01:12:45Yeah, I was, uh...
01:12:48You're gonna overflow the pool, man.
01:12:51- Maybe... Should I wait outside? - I think that's a good idea, Alan.
01:12:55Yeah.
01:12:58Don't touch anything out there, either.
01:13:00You know what? He's not our good fr... We don't know him that well.
01:13:06Come on. Come on, come on.
01:13:09By the way, where you get that cop car from?
01:13:11We, uh, stole it from these dumb-ass cops.
01:13:14Nice.
01:13:18High five that one.
01:13:21Yeah, that's nice.
01:13:23You know, I just have to say...
01:13:25...I have never seen a more beautiful, elegant, just regal creature.
01:13:28Check it out. Stu. Stu. Fuck this tiger.
01:13:31Oh, my God. That's awful. MIKE: Oh, man.
01:13:36PHIL [OVER TV]: Oh, shit. - Who does shit like that, man?
01:13:39Someone who has a lot of issues, obviously. I'm a sick man.
01:13:44Oh, my God.
01:13:47That's all we got.
01:13:49This was hugely helpful.
01:13:52Really. Because now we know that our buddy Doug...
01:13:55...was with us at 3:30, totally alive.
01:13:59Thanks again, champ. And, uh, again, we are so sorry we stole your tiger.
01:14:04Don't worry about it, man.
01:14:05Like you said, we all do dumb shit when we're fucked up.
01:14:10- I told you he'd get it. - I did say that.
01:14:17You know, everyone says Mike Tyson is such a badass...
01:14:20...but I think he's kind of a sweetheart.
01:14:23I think he's mean.
01:14:25All right. I think it's officially time we call Tracy.
01:14:28Hallelujah. Finally, Phil says something that makes sense.
01:14:32We don't have much of a choice. And maybe she's heard from Doug.
01:14:35That's what I been saying this whole time.
01:14:38We just need to be completely honest. We need to tell her everything.
01:14:43We don't have to tell her everything. We can leave out the stuff...
01:14:47...about me marrying a hooker.
01:14:49Just stay focused on Doug.
01:14:52- What am I gonna tell my dad? - Alan, relax. It's just the inside.
01:14:55Come on. I got a guy in L.A. Who's great with interiors.
01:15:09- Oh, Jesus! Oh, my God.
01:15:16- Are you guys okay? What the fuck?
01:15:27I know that guy. That's the guy from the trunk.
01:15:31Get out of the car. Please.
01:15:35W... W... Wait. Those are the guys that shot Eddie.
01:15:39- Listen... MAN 1: Let's go!
01:15:40- Okay. - Oh, no.
01:15:42Easy, easy. MAN 2: Come on.
01:15:43Okay. All right.
01:15:45- All right, all right. MAN 2: Let's go.
01:15:48Hey, relax. Ow. Ow. Ow!
01:15:51- I have whiplash. - Get this other fat boy.
01:15:53Get the fat boy.
01:15:55Hey, hey, hey.
01:15:56All right, all right. Hey, take it easy, take it easy!
01:16:00I want my purse back, assholes.
01:16:05- What? Your purse? - That's not a purse, it's a satchel.
01:16:09It's a purse. Okay? And you steal from wrong guy.
01:16:13Wait a second, wait a second. We stole from you?
01:16:16Okay, you know what?
01:16:17We don't remember anything that happened last night...
01:16:21...so help us out a little here.
01:16:23Well, apparently you guys met at a craps table late last night.
01:16:28You were on a heater, and he played your hot streak.
01:16:30- He ended up winning just under 80 grand. - No shit? Eighty grand is nice.
01:16:34Okay, that's good.
01:16:35He put the chips in his purse, and then you guys took off with it.
01:16:39That doesn't sound like us.
01:16:40Mine had $80,000 inside. And this one? Nothing.
01:16:46Hey, there are Skittles in there.
01:16:48Ow! Oh, not again.
01:16:52Don't let the beard fool you. He's a child.
01:16:55It's funny because he's fat.
01:16:57Now, look, this was obviously a very simple misunderstanding.
01:17:00Alan picked up the wrong purse, it's no big deal.
01:17:03Okay, if it's, "No big deal," why, when I come after you guys...
01:17:07...he starts screaming like crazy and throw me in trunk?
01:17:12What, I did that?
01:17:13Yeah, you said he was your lucky charm, and you want to take him home with you.
01:17:18- Lucky charm. - Oh, it's just funny.
01:17:23Fuck you.
01:17:25If you want to see your friend again, you get me my 80 grand.
01:17:30- What? - Our friend?
01:17:31- You have Doug? You know about our friend?
01:17:35- Doug! - Doug!
01:17:38- Doug's in the car! Doug's in the car! - Doug, it's okay!
01:17:42You chill out, goatee!
01:17:44- Okay, okay. All right, fine, fine. - What do you want?
01:17:48Not so good now. Quid pro quo, douche bag.
01:17:51What?
01:17:52Look, we're very sorry. But this is an easy fix.
01:17:55- Alan, where's his purse? - I don't know.
01:17:57- It's in the hotel room, right? - Yeah, we can get it.
01:18:00We can get you the... We can even write you a check right now.
01:18:03No chance. Cash only.
01:18:05- There's a person in there. CHOW: Boring.
01:18:09Take nap. Come on.
01:18:11Wait. I'm sorry we're boring you!
01:18:13Doug, it's okay. - You kidnapped our friend! Kidnapper!
01:18:16Wait. Oh, no. You're not going anywhere.
01:18:20Stop.
01:18:22Stop. Run me over.
01:18:24- Okay. Whoa. Whoa. Stu, Stu, Stu.
01:18:28Bring money to Big Rock in Mojave Desert at dawn.
01:18:33- What? - Toodle-oo, motherfucker.
01:18:40Well, at least take the bag off his head! Fuck!
01:18:46Oh!
01:18:56Come on, get out of here.
01:19:03Guys, I'm telling you, I looked for it this
01:19:05morning before we left. It's not anywhere.
01:19:07Fuck.
01:19:12Stu, how much you got in the bank?
01:19:14About 10 grand. I was gonna use it for the wedding.
01:19:16You're already married, so we're good there.
01:19:19Besides, enough with Melissa, she's the worst.
01:19:21Yeah, Doug told me she had sex with a pilot or something.
01:19:24It was a bartender on a cruise. What is wrong with you people?
01:19:28- Ew. Alan, did you just eat sofa pizza? - Yes.
01:19:33What are we gonna do? We are so fucked.
01:19:36Hey, guys?
01:19:37- Did you find it? - Nope.
01:19:40But check this out.
01:20:29Change only, 10,000.
01:20:35- Hey, uh, these seats taken? - No, feel free.
01:20:43All right, let's play some blackjack!
01:21:08That's it. Shut up, bitches.
01:21:15Hmm.
01:21:19- I'll stick. - Oh, fuck you! Fuck you!
01:21:28Splitting fives.
01:21:31- Too many. - Yes!
01:21:36I don't even know you, but I'm gonna tell you that's dumb.
01:21:40- Yes! Oh!
01:21:42Okay, come on. He can't lose. He can't lose.
01:21:46I think the pit boss is watching him.
01:22:06- Oh, my God. - Are you okay?
01:22:08I'm such a klutz. I get so nervous when I gamble. I'm so silly.
01:22:11- It happens. - Whoa. Hold on a beat, okay?
01:22:15- Let's just take it easy. This is my wife. - It's hurting.
01:22:18Make sure... Does it hurt? Does this hurt?
01:22:20- Oh, ow. - You all right?
01:22:21I don't know. - I don't know either. I don't...
01:22:24I think you're fine. Let's go.
01:22:25- Really? Okay. Upsy-daisy, there.
01:22:28I'm sorry, she's had a little too much to drink.
01:22:31Thanks, buddy. That's for you.
01:22:43And 100, 200, 300, 400.
01:22:46With all this, that's $82,400.
01:22:49- Oh, goddamn it. I don't fucking believe it.
01:22:51- Whoo!
01:22:53- Alan, you're the man. - You are too, Phil.
01:22:56We should come back next week, take the whole city down.
01:22:59Oh, I'm free next week.
01:23:00Or we could just focus on getting Doug back, right now.
01:23:04Uh, you know what? Next week's no good, the Jonas Brothers are in town.
01:23:07But any week after that is totally fine.
01:23:10I think it's safe to say that our luck has officially turned around, guys.
01:23:14- We are back, baby. We are fucking back. - We're back. Classic.
01:23:19We are back, we are back
01:23:21That's right.
01:23:23We are getting Doug back
01:23:25And we're the three best friends That anybody could have
01:23:29We're the three best friends That anyone could have
01:23:32We're the three best friends That anyone can have
01:23:35And we'll never, ever, ever, ever, ever Leave each other
01:23:38We're the best three friends That anybody could have
01:23:41I mean, the three best friends That anybody could have
01:23:44That's right, the three best friends That anybody can have
01:24:06Now what? - Give him the signal.
01:24:08- What signal? - Flash your lights. Let him know it's on.
01:24:12- What's on? - The deal.
01:24:15Of course it's on. We just drove 30 miles into the desert. He knows it's on.
01:24:19Phil, just do something.
01:24:22Fine.
01:24:26- Oh, shit. See?
01:24:28All right, let's go.
01:24:44Funny fat guy fall on face.
01:24:46You okay?
01:24:47All right, we got the money. Eighty grand, cash.
01:24:50Throw it over. Then I give you Doug.
01:24:53Um, I'm sorry. First of all, good morning.
01:24:55And we didn't catch your name last night.
01:24:58Mr. Chow. Leslie Chow.
01:25:01Mr. Chow, it is a pleasure. My name is Stu.
01:25:04And we would very much appreciate an opportunity to see Doug...
01:25:09...before we give you the money, just to verify that he's okay.
01:25:12- If that's cool. - Of course, Stu. That is cool.
01:25:27- Oh, thank God. - Okay.
01:25:29See, he fine. Now give me money...
01:25:32...or I shoot him, and I shoot all you motherfuckers.
01:25:36And then we take it. Your choice, bitches.
01:25:41- Give him the money, Stu. - Okay.
01:25:52- It's all there. - Let him go.
01:25:58All right, take it easy. Take it easy.
01:26:01CHOW: Ta-da.
01:26:03Is this some kind of joke? Who the hell is this?
01:26:06That is not Doug.
01:26:07What you talking about, Willis? That him.
01:26:10No, I'm sorry, Mr. Chow. That's not our friend.
01:26:13- He... That's... - The Doug we're looking for is a white.
01:26:17Ah! I told you you had the wrong guy, little boy.
01:26:21Damn, Alan, what the fuck you got me into?
01:26:23- You know him?
01:26:25- This is the guy that sold me the bad drugs.
01:26:26- How you doing? - I didn't sell you no fucking bad drugs.
01:26:29- Wait. He sold you the Ruphylin? - Ruphylin? I sold you that Ru...? Wha...?
01:26:34- Who gives a shit? Where is Doug? - I am Doug.
01:26:38- Your name's Doug? - Yes, I'm Doug.
01:26:41His name's Doug too. Ha. Classic mix-up.
01:26:44Come on.
01:26:45- Hey, Chow. You gave us the wrong Doug. - Not my problem.
01:26:49No, fuck that shit. Now, you give us our 80 grand back and take him with you!
01:26:53- No. Come on. I'll be your Doug. - Oh, yeah, okay. Oh, I take him back.
01:26:58Right after you suck on these little Chinese nuts.
01:27:01- Ah. That's nasty. - Mmm. How that sound?
01:27:05Unh, pshh.
01:27:06- So long, gay boys. - Wait a second.
01:27:11He's a nasty little motherfucker.
01:27:12Did you ever get any ecstasy?
01:27:14No, I ain't got no fucking ecstasy.
01:27:16- Goddamn it! Gosh darn it!
01:27:19- Shit! Shoot!
01:27:32TRACY: Hello? - Ahem, Tracy, it's Phil.
01:27:34Phil, where the hell are you guys? I'm freaking out.
01:27:38Yeah, listen.
01:27:42We fucked up.
01:27:44Thanks for the lift back to town.
01:27:48- I got a question for you. - What's up?
01:27:50How did you wind up in Chow's car?
01:27:52That crazy asshole kidnapped me yesterday.
01:27:55Okay, but why? I mean, why you?
01:27:57He thought I was with you guys because we were hanging over at the Bellagio.
01:28:01- What? - We were at the Bellagio?
01:28:03We were shooting craps. You don't remember?
01:28:05No. No, we don't remember.
01:28:07Because some dick drug dealer sold him Ruphylin and told him it was ecstasy.
01:28:13Ruphylin. There you go with that word. Ruphylin. What the hell is a Ruphylin?
01:28:17Wow, you are the world's shittiest drug dealer.
01:28:22Ruphylin, for your information, is the date-rape drug. You sold Alan roofies.
01:28:27Oh, shit. I must have mixed up the bags. My fault, Alan.
01:28:31Damn, Marshall gonna be pissed off at me on that one.
01:28:35- Whatever. - It's funny, because just the other day...
01:28:38...me and my boy, we was wondering why they even call them roofies.
01:28:41- You know what I'm talking about? - No. Don't know.
01:28:44Why not floories, right? Because when you take them...
01:28:47...you're more likely to end up on the floor than the roof.
01:28:50What about groundies? That's a good new name for them.
01:28:54Or, how about rapies?
01:28:56- Wait, what did you just say? - Rapies.
01:28:59- Not you. Doug, what did you say before? - I said groundies.
01:29:03No, before that.
01:29:04You said, "You're more likely to wind up on the floor than..."
01:29:09- Phil. - Listen, Trace, I'm really sorry. L...
01:29:14TRACY: Phil? Hello? - Tracy, it's Stu.
01:29:17Stu. Talk to me. What's going on?
01:29:20Uh, nothing. Don't listen to Phil.
01:29:22He's completely out of his mind. He's probably still drunk from last night.
01:29:26Where's Doug?
01:29:27He is paying the bill. We just had a delicious brunch.
01:29:30We're in a hurry to get back, so we gotta get going.
01:29:33- Okay, we'll see you soon. Bye. - Stu.
01:29:35Stu. Fuck.
01:29:37- What the fuck, man? - I know where Doug is.
01:29:48I don't know, man. It just hit me.
01:29:50You remember when we saw Doug's mattress impaled on that statue?
01:29:53- Yeah, we threw it out the window. - No, impossible.
01:29:55- You can't open windows in Vegas hotels. - Well, then how did it get...?
01:29:59- Oh, my God! - Ha, ha, ha.
01:30:01- Whoa, wait. What's going on? - Doug was trying to signal someone.
01:30:05- Holy shit. Yes.
01:30:06- Wait. How did you figure that out? - Doug made me realize it.
01:30:09- Doug? - Uh, not our Doug. Black Doug.
01:30:11- Hey, hey, easy with that shit. Come on. - Sorry.
01:30:15Can someone tell me where white Doug is?
01:30:17- He's on the roof, Alan. - Yes.
01:30:18He's on the roof. We must have taken him up there as a prank...
01:30:22...so he'd wake up on the roof. - Like that time in summer camp.
01:30:25We moved his sleeping bag out in the jetty at the lake?
01:30:27Ha, ha, ha. Which was hilarious.
01:30:29It's not so funny now, though, because we forgot where we put him.
01:30:32You guys are retarded, you know that?
01:30:34- Holy shit. You think he's still up there? - There's only one way to find out.
01:30:43Doug!
01:30:45Doug!
01:30:47- Doug! Doug, you up here, buddy?
01:30:53Where you at, Doug?
01:30:57Doug!
01:31:02Hey, guys!
01:31:04He's over here!
01:31:08Hey, I found him! He's over here! - Oh, shit.
01:31:14He's okay.
01:31:15You're okay. Ha, ha, ha!
01:31:17Oh, God. We gotta go, buddy. Come on.
01:31:20Oh, we have been looking everywhere for you.
01:31:24- He's alive. - What the fuck is going on?
01:31:27We can explain everything, but right now we gotta go.
01:31:30- Hey, bud. You okay? - No. Not okay.
01:31:34You look good, you got some color. I'm jealous.
01:31:37- I'm getting married today. - Yes, you are.
01:31:40That's why you need to focus and do everything we say.
01:31:42Because, frankly, you're wasting a little bit of time right now.
01:31:46You fucking asshole!
01:31:51Oh, my skin burns. My skin burns.
01:31:52Oh, ow! God.
01:31:54- It's okay. It's not your fault, Doug. - Don't touch me. Shut up.
01:31:58All of you, shut up.
01:32:00Just get me home.
01:32:02Mm-hm.
01:32:03Just get me home.
01:32:06What about the one after that?
01:32:08You cannot be serious.
01:32:12Oh, goddamn it.
01:32:14- What? - Every flight to L.A. Is booked.
01:32:16- What about Burbank? - Sold out.
01:32:17Oh, fuck! We can't drive there, the wedding starts in three and a half hours.
01:32:21- Alan, where's the car? It's on its way.
01:32:23You know what?
01:32:25We can drive there. We can make it. Okay?
01:32:30Hi.
01:32:32- Just give me one second. We will leave without you.
01:32:38- Is he missing a tooth? - Yeah.
01:32:42- Hey. - Hey.
01:32:44Hey, thanks for helping out last night. That was so awesome.
01:32:47Sure.
01:32:50Listen, Jade, I...
01:32:52Look, you don't have to say it. I totally understand.
01:32:55- This whole thing was stupid. - Huh.
01:33:00It was stupid, wasn't it?
01:33:08- This is yours. - Oh, thank you.
01:33:12I can't believe I gave my grandmother's Holocaust ring to someone I just met.
01:33:16- What was I thinking? - You were really fucked up.
01:33:19Clearly.
01:33:21- You did pull out your own tooth. - L...?
01:33:25I pulled out my tooth?
01:33:27Why did I pull out my own tooth?
01:33:29Alan bet you that you weren't a good enough dentist...
01:33:32...to pull out your own tooth.
01:33:34Okay. Heh.
01:33:38- Of course he did. - You won.
01:33:41Yeah. Clearly. Yeah.
01:33:45That's victory, right there.
01:33:47It needs to go down.
01:33:49- It's good. Get in. - No. Safety first.
01:33:51- Alan, it's fine. It's down. - No, I gotta get it down first.
01:33:54Jesus Christ. Look out. - Don't mess the car up.
01:33:58You're gonna mess the car up.
01:34:01- Hey, what are you doing next weekend? - I don't know. Working. Why?
01:34:04I was thinking maybe I'd come back and take you out to dinner.
01:34:08Really? Like a date?
01:34:10Yeah. Like a date. Only, one that hopefully I'll remember.
01:34:15Sounds good.
01:34:21- Stu. Come on. - Stu. Come on.
01:34:25I gotta go. Okay. Bye.
01:34:32- Bye. - Bye.
01:34:36All right, here we go.
01:34:38- All right, let's go. - Yeah.
01:34:41Careful.
01:34:59At least the trip wasn't a total disaster.
01:35:02- What makes you say that? - When I woke up on the roof...
01:35:06...I happened to find $80,000 worth of Bellagio chips in my pocket.
01:35:10- Oh! Oh, my God!
01:35:12Looks like we're going home with some money, boys.
01:35:33Here he comes. That's him.
01:35:37- Hey, Neeco! Hey. What's up, Alan?
01:35:40Whoo!
01:35:43- Whoa, look out. - Oh, shit.
01:35:45Whoa! Whoa!
01:35:50- Thanks, Neeco. You got it, man.
01:35:52Page me! Adiós.
01:35:54Who the hell was that guy? That's my buddy.
01:36:32Hey. Sorry, MapQuest took us on a really crazy route.
01:36:59- How's my hair? - It looks good.
01:37:01- Is it cool like Phil's? - It's classic Phil.
01:37:10She looks beautiful, man.
01:37:18Sorry I'm late.
01:37:21Vegas.
01:37:28Where were you? And why are you so red?
01:37:32Honey, it's a long story.
01:37:37We are gathered here today...
01:37:39...because of the strength of love and of promises kept.
01:37:43All I know is I am so sorry.
01:37:46And I promise for as long as we're married...
01:37:49...to never, ever put you through anything like this again.
01:37:54Can you forgive me?
01:38:42- Daddy. - Hey, my man.
01:38:44Excuse me, but I'm expecting my husband any minute.
01:38:47Oh, that's very funny. Come here.
01:38:50How was your soccer game?
01:39:08- Stu? You avoiding me? - Hey. Melissa.
01:39:12Oh, my God. What happened to your tooth?
01:39:16Have you met Alan? Tracy's brother. Brother of the...
01:39:19Okay. Ow.
01:39:21That is disgusting. Why haven't you returned my calls?
01:39:25Well, there was a snafu when we stopped...
01:39:27I called that bed and breakfast in Napa.
01:39:29They said they had no record of you even checking in.
01:39:33That's because we didn't go to Napa.
01:39:35- Stu. What the fuck is going on? - We went to Las Vegas.
01:39:39Oh, really? Las Vegas? Why would you go to Las Vegas?
01:39:42My friend was getting married. That's what guys do.
01:39:45- Okay, that's not what you do. - Really?
01:39:47Well, then why did I do it, huh? Because I did it. Riddle me that.
01:39:51Why'd I do it?
01:39:53All you want me to do is what you want me to do.
01:39:55I'm sick of doing what you want.
01:39:57In a healthy relationship, a guy should be able to do what he wants.
01:40:01- That is not how this works! Oh, good.
01:40:04Because whatever this is ain't working for me!
01:40:07Oh, really? Yeah.
01:40:09Since when?
01:40:10Since you fucked that waiter on your cruise last June. Boom!
01:40:17- You told me it was a bartender. - Oh, you're right. I stand corrected.
01:40:21It was a bartender. You fucked a bartender.
01:40:25You're an idiot.
01:40:26You're... You...
01:40:29You're such a bad person.
01:40:31Like, all the way through to your core.
01:40:35Alan, shall we dance?
01:40:39Let's do this.
01:40:49- It was a real pleasure meeting you. - Fuck off.
01:40:52- I'm getting my bartender's license. - Suck my dick.
01:40:56No, thank you.
01:41:08You guys are awe...
01:41:10- Sid? - There he is.
01:41:12- You wanted to see me? - Yeah.
01:41:16- Congratulations, buddy. - Congratulations to you.
01:41:19- You had us worried there for a second. - Sorry.
01:41:22How was Vegas?
01:41:23It was... Ahem. It was crazy.
01:41:26Attaboy.
01:41:32- Enjoy the car? - Mm-hm.
01:41:35- Remember to put Armor All on the tires? - Mm-hm. Mm-hm.
01:41:43Let me ask you a question.
01:41:49How can a cake cost $1400?
01:41:54- Highway robbery. - It's criminal.
01:41:58Sid, ahem, about the car...
01:42:07Tracy told you. I told her not to tell you. I wanted to tell you.
01:42:14- Tell me what? - Careful, Doug. These women...
01:42:18...can't be trusted.
01:42:21- Tell me what, Sid? - The Mercedes.
01:42:24It is a wedding gift from Linda and I.
01:42:28- Are you serious? - What do you think?
01:42:40That is awesome.
01:42:44Thank you. Oh.
01:42:48Thanks, Daddy. Thanks, Sid.
01:42:50Close the door. - You're awesome.
01:42:53You are awesome.
01:42:57Yeah.
01:43:06Dougie...
01:43:08...I gotta tell you, man, this was a gorgeous wedding.
01:43:10- I give it six months. - You're a dick.
01:43:14I don't know what to say. Thanks for the bachelor party, I guess?
01:43:19Yeah. I just wish we could actually remember some of it.
01:43:24- Hey, guys? Look what I found. - Whoa, that's my camera.
01:43:27- It was in the back seat of the car. - Oh, Go... Are there photos on it?
01:43:31Yeah. Some of it's even worse than we thought.
01:43:33- No fucking way. Give me that. - Wa... Wa... Wait.
01:43:35Wait, wait, wait.
01:43:40We look at these pictures together, okay? One time.
01:43:45- And then we delete the evidence. - I say we delete it right now.
01:43:50Are you nuts? I wanna find out how I wound up in the hospital.
01:43:53- Yeah, it's in there. - Guys, one time.
01:43:58- Deal? - Deal.
01:43:59- Deal. - Okay.
01:44:05Oh, dear Lord!
01:44:07That's classic!

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