Doug. Sorry I missed your call.|
|00:00:49||Please leave a name and number
and I'll get back to you.|
|00:00:58||Hi, you've reached
Dr. Stuart Price with Divine Dentistry.|
|00:01:02||Please leave a message after...|
|00:01:11||Hey, this is Phil.|
|00:01:13||Leave me a message or don't.
Do me a favor, don't text me. It's gay.|
|00:01:17||- Anything? I tried them all.|
|00:01:19||It keeps going straight to voice-mail.|
|00:01:21||Well, there has to be an explanation.|
|00:01:23||Sweetie, it's Vegas.
You lose track of time in casinos.|
|00:01:26||There's no windows, there's no clocks.
He's probably on a heater.|
|00:01:30||And you never walk away from the table
when you're on a heater.|
|00:01:34||You do if you're getting married.|
- Ahem, Tracy, it's Phil.|
|00:01:41||Phil, where the hell are you guys?|
|00:01:43||I'm freaking out.|
|00:01:51||We fucked up.|
|00:01:52||- What are you talking about?|
|00:01:54||- The bachelor party,
the whole night. It...|
|00:01:57||Things got out of control, uh...|
|00:02:02||...and we lost Doug.|
- We can't find Doug.|
|00:02:06||What are you saying, Phil?
We're getting married in five hours.|
|00:02:13||That's not gonna happen.|
|00:03:45||To my left a little.|
|00:03:54||- Whoa, watch it, pervert!
- Alan, he's just doing your inseam.|
|00:03:57||- He's getting very close to my shaft.
- All done. You can change now.|
|00:04:03||Right. Thanks, Floyd.
Thank you very much.|
|00:04:07||All right, buddy,
we should get a move on.|
|00:04:10||You know, Doug, I was thinking...|
|00:04:14||If you wanna go to Vegas without me,
that is totally cool, you know?|
|00:04:17||What are you talking about?|
|00:04:19||You know, Phil and Stu, they're
your buddies, and it's your bachelor party.|
|00:04:23||Come on, Alan. Those two love you.|
|00:04:25||And also, I don't want you to feel
like you have to hold back...|
|00:04:28||...because your wife's brother's there.
|00:04:31||It's not like that.|
|00:04:36||It's not like that. I
already told you, Alan.|
|00:04:38||Okay? We're just spending the night
in Vegas. It's no big deal.|
|00:04:42||Besides, you're not just my wife's brother,
you're my brother now.|
|00:04:49||I want you to know, Doug,
I'm a steel trap.|
|00:04:53||Whatever happens tonight, I will
never, ever, ever, speak a word of it.|
|00:04:57||Okay. Yeah, I got it. Thank you.
I don't think that...|
|00:05:00||Seriously. I don't care what happens.|
|00:05:03||- I don't care if we kill someone.
|00:05:06||You heard me. It's Sin City.|
|00:05:10||I won't tell a soul.|
|00:05:13||Okay. I got it.|
|00:05:18||- Thank you. No, thank you.|
|00:05:22||I love you so much.|
|00:05:25||- Ha. I knew it.
|00:05:27||Oh, stop it, I'm just jerking around.|
|00:05:29||Alan, put some pants on.
You have weird legs.|
|00:05:33||- His legs look fine, Dad.
- Oh, please.|
|00:05:35||He has his mother's legs. It's just freaky.|
|00:05:42||Alan, I'm just teasing.
You have wonderful legs.|
|00:05:47||They're better than your mother's.
|00:05:50||Can you believe this?
Just two more days.|
|00:05:53||I know. You getting nervous?|
|00:05:57||- You wanna back out?
- Shut up.|
|00:05:59||Just tell me. Oh. Mm.|
|00:06:03||You know, I don't need to go to Vegas.
|00:06:05||It's not dumb. It's one night.
Have fun, you deserve it.|
|00:06:09||I know, but we should have
gone last weekend.|
|00:06:11||We have so much to do.
L... I'm gonna cancel.|
|00:06:14||My brother packed his bag two weeks ago.
You're not canceling.|
|00:06:19||- Two weeks?
- Yeah, he's excited.|
|00:06:22||Thanks again for bringing him,
by the way.|
|00:06:24||You don't need to thank me,
it's nothing. He's a cool guy.|
|00:06:27||It's not nothing
and he's not a cool guy...|
|00:06:29||...so thank you.|
|00:06:44||I just wanted to thank you guys again
for everything you're doing this weekend.|
|00:06:48||- We couldn't be more excited.
- Ah, that's great.|
|00:06:50||Yeah, okay. You love us
and we love you. Terrific.|
|00:06:54||So talk to me about Vegas.|
|00:06:56||- Uh... It should be pretty mellow.
|00:06:59||Do some gambling, maybe catch some rays,
have a few laughs.|
|00:07:02||Yeah, some laughs. I got you.|
|00:07:05||How you getting out there?|
|00:07:07||Uh, we're gonna take my car.
Gonna pick up my friends after this.|
|00:07:10||- Prius? You're taking a Prius to Vegas?
|00:07:14||You know, when you go to Vegas...|
|00:07:17||...you gotta go to Vegas.|
Come on, we're family now.|
|00:07:28||- You sure? I mean, you love this car.
- Doug, it's just a car.|
|00:07:31||Just make sure to put some Armor All
on the tires so the sand doesn't seep in.|
|00:07:36||Absolutely. That's easy.|
|00:07:38||Oh, and, uh, don't let Alan drive,
because there's something wrong with him.|
|00:07:44||Oh, and Phil either. I don't like him.|
|00:07:47||I will be the only one driving this car.
|00:07:53||Remember, what happens in Vegas
stays in Vegas.|
|00:07:59||Except for herpes.
That shit'll come back with you.|
|00:08:04||All right. Hold on. I still need
some of your permission slips...|
|00:08:06||...and $90 for the field trip
to the Griffith Observatory next weekend.|
|00:08:10||Pay now, or forever regret missing out
on the experience of a lifetime, guys.|
|00:08:14||You're good, you got it.|
|00:08:16||Thanks, Mr. Wenneck.
Thank you. Hey.|
|00:08:17||You really came through,
|00:08:20||Whoa, Max. What gives?
What, no planetarium?|
|00:08:23||My mom won't give me the money.
|00:08:25||- Well, how much you got on you?
- I don't know.|
|00:08:27||Like, 20 bucks.|
|00:08:30||Well, give me the 20
and I'll cover the rest.|
- Yeah. Well, we'll talk about it.|
|00:08:36||But give me the 20
so I know you're serious.|
|00:08:38||- Cool. Thanks, Mr. Wenneck.
|00:09:02||Hold on, I got it.|
|00:09:03||Ahem, do you have to park so close?|
|00:09:06||- Yeah. What's wrong?
- I shouldn't be here.|
|00:09:09||Why is that, Alan?|
|00:09:10||I'm not supposed to be within 200 feet
of a school.|
- Or a Chuck E. Cheese.|
|00:09:21||BUDNICK: Mr. Wenneck, I was...
- It's the weekend.|
|00:09:23||I don't know you. You do not exist.|
|00:09:26||- Shit. Heh, heh, heh.|
|00:09:28||- Nice car. Yeah.|
|00:09:30||- I'm driving.
Whoa, no chance, buddy...|
|00:09:31||Don't step... God. Watch the leath...|
|00:09:34||Shut up and drive before these nerds
ask me another question.|
- Who's this?|
|00:09:38||- It's Alan. Tracy's brother.
- I met you, like, four times.|
|00:09:42||Oh, yeah. How you doing, man?|
Don't forget your Rogaine.|
|00:09:50||And don't forget to use it.|
|00:09:53||I can totally tell when you forget,
your hair just looks thinner.|
|00:09:57||Using of the Rogaine, check.|
|00:10:00||Make sure to call me
right when you get to the hotel...|
|00:10:03||...not like that conference in Phoenix.|
|00:10:05||I had to wait two hours
for you to call me.|
|00:10:08||Yeah, I was the keynote speaker.
I was late to the podium.|
- Yeah, you're totally right. I'm sorry.|
|00:10:16||- What is the matter?
I don't know.|
|00:10:18||I hope you're not gonna go to
some strip club when you're up there.|
|00:10:21||Melissa, we're going to Napa Valley.|
|00:10:24||I don't even think they have strip clubs
in wine country.|
|00:10:27||Well, I'm sure if there is one,
Phil will sniff it out.|
|00:10:32||It's not gonna be like that.|
|00:10:34||Besides, you know how I feel about that.|
|00:10:36||I know, I know. It's just boys
and their bachelor parties, it's gross.|
|00:10:40||You're right, it is gross. Mm-mm.|
|00:10:45||And you know what else, honestly?|
|00:10:48||Why would I risk this for,
you know, a couple of minutes...|
|00:10:53||...of some 19-year-old hard body
in a schoolgirl outfit?|
- Why would I ever need, like...|
|00:11:01||- You're right. And if you ever do...
|00:11:04||...I will fucking kick your ass.|
|00:11:07||Thank you. Thank you for that.|
|00:11:11||That is exactly what I needed to hear.|
|00:11:14||Not to mention it's pathetic.|
|00:11:16||Those places are filthy.
And the worst part is...|
|00:11:20||...that little girl...|
|00:11:22||...grinding and dry humping
the fucking stage up there...|
|00:11:26||...that's somebody's daughter up there.
- I was just gonna say that.|
|00:11:30||See? I just wish your friends
were as mature as you.|
|00:11:33||They are mature, actually.
You just have to get to know them better.|
|00:11:36||Paging Dr. Faggot.|
|00:11:46||- I should go.
- That's a good idea, Dr. Faggot.|
|00:11:51||Have a good weekend.
I'm gonna miss you.|
|00:12:12||Vegas! Vegas, baby!|
|00:12:24||Come on, just till Barstow.
Everybody's passing us.|
|00:12:27||Absolutely not. I promised Sid.
I will be the only one driving this car.|
|00:12:32||Besides, you're drinking.|
|00:12:33||Oh, what are you, a cop now?
You know I drive great when I'm drunk.|
|00:12:37||True. Don't forget, Phil was always
our designated drunk driver.|
|00:12:40||Yeah. You wanna explain it
to them, Alan?|
|00:12:42||Guys, my dad loves this car
more than he loves me, so, yeah.|
|00:12:46||Aw, whatever. I left my wife and kid
at home so I could go with you guys.|
|00:12:49||- You know how difficult that was?
- That's really sweet.|
- Dude, I was being sarcastic.|
|00:12:54||I fucking hate my life.|
|00:12:55||- I may never go back.
I might stay in Vegas.|
|00:12:57||- Here we go.|
|00:12:59||Doug, enjoy yourself,
because come Sunday...|
|00:13:01||...you're gonna start dying
just a little bit every day.|
|00:13:04||Yeah. That's why I've managed
to stay single this whole time, you know?|
|00:13:09||- Oh, really? That's why you're single?
|00:13:12||Cool. Good to know.|
|00:13:15||- Am I all right over there, Alan?
- Yeah, you're good.|
|00:13:21||Aw, Jesus Christ!|
|00:13:22||- Oh, my God!
- That was awesome!|
|00:13:25||That was not awesome.
What's wrong with you?|
|00:13:28||- That was insane. We almost just died.
- You should have seen your face.|
- That's funny. Ha-ha.|
|00:13:36||It's not funny.|
|00:13:55||- Boy, you've got a sweet ride there.
- Don't touch it.|
|00:14:00||Don't even look at it. Go on, get out.|
|00:14:04||You heard me.
Don't look at me, either.|
|00:14:09||Yeah, you better walk on.|
|00:14:12||- He's actually kind of funny.
- Yeah, he means well.|
|00:14:15||I'll hit an old man in public.|
|00:14:18||Is he all there? Like, mentally?|
|00:14:21||I think so. He's just an odd guy.
You know, he's kind of weird.|
|00:14:24||- I mean, should we be worried?
|00:14:26||- All right.
|00:14:28||Tracy did mention
that we shouldn't let him gamble.|
|00:14:31||Or drink too much.|
|00:14:33||Jesus, he's like a gremlin.
Comes with instructions and shit.|
|00:14:37||And one water.|
|00:14:39||- All good with Melissa?
- Oh, yeah.|
|00:14:41||Told her we're two hours
outside of wine country, and she bought it.|
|00:14:47||You think it's strange you've been
in a relationship for years...|
|00:14:50||...and you have to lie about Vegas?|
|00:14:52||Yeah, I do.
But trust me, it's not worth the fight.|
|00:14:55||Oh, so you can't go to Vegas but she can
fuck a bellhop on a Carnival Cruise Line?|
|00:15:01||Okay, first of all, he was a bartender.|
|00:15:05||And she was wasted.|
|00:15:07||And, if you must know,
he didn't even come inside her.|
|00:15:11||And you believe that?|
|00:15:13||Uh, yeah, I do believe that,
because she's grossed out by semen.|
|00:15:18||That'll be 32.50.|
|00:15:20||It's 32.50, you gonna pay for it?|
|00:15:25||It says here we should work in teams.
Who wants to be my spotter?|
|00:15:30||I don't think you should be doing
too much gambling tonight, Alan.|
Who said anything about gambling?|
|00:15:36||It's not gambling
when you know you're gonna win.|
|00:15:38||Counting cards is a foolproof system.|
|00:15:40||It's also illegal.|
|00:15:42||It's not illegal, it's frowned upon,
like masturbating on an airplane.|
|00:15:49||I'm pretty sure that's illegal too.|
|00:15:50||Yeah, maybe after 9/11,
where everybody got so sensitive.|
|00:15:56||Thanks a lot, Bin Laden.|
|00:15:59||Either way, you gotta be super smart
to count cards, buddy, okay?|
|00:16:03||- Oh, really?
- It's not easy.|
|00:16:04||Well maybe we should tell that
to Rain Man...|
|00:16:06||...because he practically bankrupted
a casino, and he was a retard.|
|00:16:11||He was a retard.|
|00:16:55||Here we go.|
|00:16:59||WO Hi, welcome to Caesars.|
|00:17:01||Hello. WO Checking in?|
|00:17:02||Yeah. We have a reservation
under Dr. Price.|
Okay, let me look that up for you.|
|00:17:08||Stu, you're a dentist, okay?
Don't try and get fancy.|
|00:17:12||- It's not fancy if it's true.
- He's a dentist. Don't get too excited.|
|00:17:17||And if, uh, someone has a heart attack,
you should still call 911.|
|00:17:20||We'll be sure to do that.|
|00:17:22||Can I ask you a question?
Do you know if the hotel's pager-friendly?|
|00:17:25||- What do you mean?
- I'm not getting a sig on my beeper.|
|00:17:29||- I'm not sure.
Is there a payphone bank?|
|00:17:32||Bunch of payphones? Business.|
|00:17:36||Um, there's a phone in your room.|
|00:17:40||So I have you in a two-bedroom suite
on the 12th floor, is that okay?|
|00:17:44||It sounds perfect.|
|00:17:45||Actually, I was wondering
if you had any villas.|
|00:17:48||- We're not even gonna be in the room.
- It's unnecessary.|
|00:17:51||No big deal. We can share beds.
It's one night.|
|00:17:53||If we're share beds,
I'm bunking with Phil.|
|00:17:56||- You good with that?
- No, I'm not.|
|00:17:58||Guys, we are not sharing beds.
What are we, 12 years old?|
|00:18:02||Lisa, I apologize.
How much is the villa?|
|00:18:04||Well, we have one villa available,
and it's 4200 for the night.|
|00:18:07||- Is it awesome?
- It's pretty awesome.|
|00:18:09||- We'll take it. Give her your credit card.
- I can't give her my credit card.|
|00:18:14||- We'll split it.
- Are you crazy? No, this is on us.|
|00:18:19||You don't get it.
Melissa checks my statements.|
|00:18:22||We just need a credit card on file.|
|00:18:24||We won't charge you until check out,
so you can figure it out then.|
|00:18:27||That's perfect. Thank you, Lisa.
We'll deal with it tomorrow. Come on.|
|00:18:34||- Can I ask you another question?
|00:18:36||You probably get this a lot.|
|00:18:37||This isn't the real Caesars Palace,
|00:18:40||What do you mean?|
|00:18:45||- Did Caesar live here?
- Um, no.|
|00:18:49||I didn't think so.|
|00:19:03||Now, this is Vegas.|
|00:19:05||Oh, my... This place is enormous.|
|00:19:09||Now we're talking.|
|00:19:11||Is this all one suite?|
|00:19:14||Thank you, guys.|
|00:19:16||Or should I say, "Thank you, Stu"?|
It's only because I love you.|
|00:19:21||Hey, guys. Look, free almonds.|
|00:19:25||- Oh, no, no, no. Please put those back.
- Wait, I'm just hungry.|
|00:19:28||- Well, I know, but...
- Stu, what the fuck?|
|00:19:31||It's a pressure-sensitive plate.
When you pick|
|00:19:33||it up, you have 30 seconds
to put it back...|
|00:19:35||...or they bill you.
That's pretty neat.|
|00:19:37||It may be neat,
but it's also very expensive, so...|
|00:19:40||Those almonds are probably, like, $14.|
|00:19:45||Phil, Melissa is like
a forensic accountant, okay?|
|00:19:48||She scours my statements.
If you want nuts...|
|00:19:50||...put your own credit card down.
- Watch this.|
Alan, enjoy your almonds.|
|00:19:59||I don't want them. He ruined it.|
|00:20:02||All right, let's pick a room, let's get
dressed. Be ready in 30 minutes.|
|00:20:07||I just wish you could see this place,
because you, of all people, would love it.|
|00:20:12||Yeah. No, it's so quaint.|
|00:20:17||Yeah, no, there's no TVs, no phones.|
|00:20:19||They just have these cute little antique
radios in all the rooms.|
|00:20:26||What else? Um...|
|00:20:28||We met the, uh, proprietor.|
|00:20:30||- Oh, I bet you...
What's his name?|
|00:20:33||Um, Caesar. Palacé.|
|00:20:35||Yeah, like the salad.|
|00:20:38||Okay. Well, listen, I gotta go,
because we're gonna hit this wine tasting.|
|00:20:42||Wait, wait. I love you. Okay. Bye.|
|00:20:46||I'm not even gonna say anything,
it's so embarrassing.|
|00:20:49||- Where's Alan?
- He, uh, he went downstairs.|
|00:20:52||He said he had to grab a few things.|
|00:20:54||Good, because I have something
to show you.|
|00:21:02||- What the hell is that?
What do you think?|
|00:21:04||If it's what I think it is,
I think it's a big fucking mistake.|
|00:21:08||I'm gonna propose to Melissa
at your wedding. After the ceremony.|
|00:21:11||- Stuey, congratulations!
- Thank you, Doug.|
|00:21:15||- That's a beautiful ring.
- Yeah. It's my grandmother's.|
|00:21:18||She made it all the way through
the Holocaust with that thing.|
|00:21:21||Wait, have you not listened
to anything I have ever said?|
|00:21:24||Phil, we've been dating for three years.
It's time. This is how it works.|
|00:21:28||A, that is bullshit.
And B, she is a complete bitch.|
|00:21:31||Hey, that's his fiancée.|
|00:21:34||What? It's true. It's true.
You know it's true. She beats him.|
|00:21:37||That was twice, and I was out of line.|
|00:21:40||She's strong-willed. And I respect that.|
|00:21:45||He's in denial.
Not to mention, she fucked a sailor.|
|00:21:48||Hey, he wasn't a sailor.|
|00:21:50||He was a bartender on a cruise ship.
You know that.|
|00:21:53||Guys, I'm standing right here. So I can
hear everything that you're saying.|
|00:21:58||Hey, guys. You ready to let the dogs out?|
- Do what?|
|00:22:02||Let the dogs out. You know.|
|00:22:06||Who brought this guy?|
|00:22:07||Yes, Alan, we are ready
to let the dogs out.|
|00:22:10||- Hey, congrats.
- Thank you.|
|00:22:24||I love this fucking town.|
|00:22:34||- You're not really wearing that, are you?
- Wearing what?|
|00:22:39||You're actually gonna wear that
or are you guys fucking with me?|
|00:22:42||It's where I keep all my things.
I get a lot of compliments on this.|
|00:22:45||Plus, it's not a man-purse.
It's called a satchel.|
|00:22:48||Indiana Jones wears one.|
|00:22:50||So does Joy Behar.|
|00:22:55||- We're going up, guys.
- Yeah, that's perfect.|
|00:22:59||We're going up?|
|00:23:06||I'm just saying,
it's clearly marked, okay?|
|00:23:09||We are definitely
not supposed to be up here.|
|00:23:11||Come on, we're paying for a villa.
We can do whatever the fuck we want.|
|00:23:14||- Yeah, but...
- Just wedge the door open.|
|00:23:16||- Guys, come on up here.
|00:23:23||How the hell did you find this place?|
|00:23:25||Don't worry about it.|
|00:23:29||- You all right?
|00:23:31||- Look at the view up here.
- You happy?|
|00:23:35||- This is great.
|00:23:37||Are you kidding?|
|00:23:39||Alan, how we doing, buddy?
|00:23:41||What do you got over there, Alan?
That's the Eiffel Tower.|
- A little Jägermeister.|
|00:23:48||- Good idea.
- There it is. Good call.|
|00:23:50||On the roof.|
|00:23:51||Um, no, this is good.
I'd like to make a toast.|
|00:23:55||To Doug and Tracy.|
|00:23:57||May tonight be...|
|00:24:00||...but a minor speed bump...|
|00:24:03||...in an otherwise very long
and healthy marriage.|
|00:24:07||Short and sweet.|
|00:24:12||Oh, it's like college.|
|00:24:13||- All right. I wanna talk about something.
|00:24:16||- I want to... I'd like to...|
|00:24:18||I'd like to say something...|
|00:24:21||...that I prepared...|
- All right, Alan.|
|00:24:33||How about that ride in?|
|00:24:35||I guess that's why they call it
|00:24:40||You guys might not know this,
but I consider myself a bit of a loner.|
|00:24:45||I tend to think of myself
as a one-man wolf pack.|
|00:24:50||But when my sister brought Doug home,
I knew he was one of my own.|
|00:24:54||And my wolf pack, it grew by one.|
|00:24:58||So were there two...
So there were two of us in the wolf pack.|
|00:25:01||I was alone first in the pack,
and then Doug joined in later.|
|00:25:07||And six months ago...|
|00:25:08||...when Doug introduced me to you guys,
|00:25:12||'Wait a second. Could it be? '
And now, I know for sure.|
|00:25:16||"I just added two more guys
to my wolf pack."|
|00:25:19||- All right.
- All right.|
|00:25:21||"Four of us wolves..."|
|00:25:23||...running around the desert together
in Las Vegas...|
|00:25:27||"...looking for strippers and cocaine."|
|00:25:32||...I make a toast.
- What do you got there?|
|00:25:35||Dude, what the fuck?
What the hell are you doing?|
|00:25:41||- What is that?
- Blood brothers.|
|00:25:44||- Don't... Why did you...?
- Damn it.|
- No, I'm not doing that.|
|00:25:49||Go ahead, Stuart.
- Make him stop.|
|00:25:51||Alan, we're not gonna cut ourselves.
Give me the knife.|
|00:25:53||Slowly. Thank you.
Okay. Thank you very much.|
|00:25:56||You all right? Are you okay?
|00:25:58||- Do you need a doctor?
- He's good.|
|00:26:00||You sure? I'm good.|
|00:26:01||All right, good,
because I need everybody to focus.|
|00:26:04||I wanna take a moment, I wanna talk
about some... I wanna talk about memory.|
|00:26:08||No, better yet,
I wanna talk about selective memory.|
|00:26:11||You see, whatever happens here tonight
may as well never have happened at all...|
|00:26:17||...because this circle's about as far
as it's ever gonna go.|
|00:26:20||In other words, forget everything.|
|00:26:25||Doug, I'm serious. I got a wife and kid.|
|00:26:28||Okay, good or bad, we don't remember
so we got nothing to talk about.|
|00:26:32||Nothing, guys. Nothing.|
|00:26:37||- Deal. Deal.|
|00:26:39||- Perfect. Alan, come here, buddy.
Get in here, crazy.|
|00:26:44||All right, to a night
we'll never remember...|
|00:26:50||...but the four of us
will never forget.|
|00:26:57||There it is. Hear, hear.|
|00:26:59||Hey, thanks, guys.|
|00:29:36||What the fuck?|
|00:29:39||Control yourself, man.
Goddamn, will you put on some pants?|
|00:29:42||- Phil, do not go in the bathroom.
- AI, just calm down. It's me.|
|00:29:45||Phil, there is a tiger in the bathroom.|
|00:29:47||- What's going on?
- There's a jungle cat in the bathroom!|
|00:29:50||- Okay, okay, Al. Al, I'll check it out.
Don't go in.|
|00:29:53||Don't go in, don't go in.
Be careful. Don't, don't.|
|00:29:58||- Oh! Holy fuck! He's not kidding.
|00:30:00||- There's a tiger in there.
- No, there isn't.|
|00:30:04||- It's big. Gigantic.
- You okay, buddy?|
|00:30:08||No. I am in so much pain right now.|
|00:30:11||Goddamn. Look at this place.|
|00:30:16||I know. Phil, they have my credit card
downstairs. I am so screwed.|
|00:30:20||How does a tiger get in the bathroom?
It almost killed me.|
You mind putting on some pants?|
|00:30:25||I find it a little weird
I have to ask twice.|
|00:30:27||Pants at a time like this?
I don't have any p...|
|00:30:31||What the fuck happened last night?|
|00:30:33||Hey, Phil, am I missing a tooth?|
|00:30:37||I can't... Oh, shit.|
|00:30:42||Oh, my God.|
|00:30:45||My lateral incisor's... It's gone!|
|00:30:47||It's okay. Okay, okay. Just calm down.
We're fine. Everything's fine.|
|00:30:52||Alan, go wake up Doug.|
|00:30:53||Let's get some coffee and get the fuck
out of Nevada before housekeeping shows.|
|00:30:57||What am I gonna tell Melissa?
I lost a tooth.|
|00:30:59||I have no idea how it happened.|
|00:31:01||You're freaking me out, man.|
|00:31:02||I got a massive headache, okay?
Let's just calm down.|
|00:31:05||How am I supposed to calm down?
Look around you.|
|00:31:08||- Hey, guys, he's not in there.
- Did you check all the rooms?|
|00:31:11||Yeah, I looked everywhere.
Plus, his mattress is gone.|
|00:31:14||He probably went to the pool
to get something to eat.|
|00:31:17||I'll just call his cell.|
|00:31:19||I look like a nerdy hillbilly.|
|00:31:39||- It's Phil.
- Oh, hey, Phi...|
|00:31:42||This is Doug's phone.
This is Doug's phone.|
|00:31:45||- No shit.
|00:31:50||What the fuck is that?|
|00:31:59||Whose fucking baby is that?|
|00:32:01||Alan, are you sure you didn't see
anyone else in the suite?|
|00:32:04||Yeah, I checked all the rooms.
No one's here.|
|00:32:06||Check its collar or something.|
|00:32:11||- It's okay, baby.
- Stu, we don't have time for this.|
|00:32:14||Let's go hook up with Doug,
we'll deal with the baby later.|
|00:32:16||Phil, we're not gonna leave a baby
in the room.|
|00:32:19||- There's a fucking tiger in the bathroom.
- It's not our baby.|
|00:32:22||Yeah, I gotta side with Stu on this one.|
|00:32:24||All right, fine.
Okay, we'll take it with us.|
|00:32:26||Could you at least just find some pants?|
|00:32:36||Why can't we remember a goddamn thing
from last night?|
|00:32:40||Because we obviously
had a great fucking time.|
|00:32:44||Why don't you just stop worrying
for one minute?|
|00:32:47||Be proud of yourself.|
|00:32:49||I don't know, Phil.
Maybe it's because I'm missing a tooth.|
|00:32:53||Or maybe it's because
there's a tiger in our hotel room...|
is completely destroyed.|
|00:33:03||Oh, no, no. Wait, wait, wait, I know.|
|00:33:06||Maybe it's because we found a baby,
a human baby.|
|00:33:11||That's it. That's it.|
|00:33:12||It's because we found a fucking baby.|
|00:33:17||- You shouldn't curse around the child.
- Really? You shouldn't be around a child.|
|00:33:28||Oh, how cute. What's his name?|
|00:33:55||Hey, Phil, look.|
|00:34:01||He's jacking his little weenie.|
|00:34:03||- Pull yourself together, man.
- Not at the table, Carlos.|
|00:34:11||I looked everywhere.|
|00:34:13||Gym, casino, front desk.
Nobody's seen Doug. He's not here.|
|00:34:16||He's fine. He's a grown man.|
|00:34:18||Seriously, Stu, you gotta calm down.
Here, have some juice.|
|00:34:26||I can't have juice right now.|
|00:34:27||Okay. All right.
Let's just track this thing.|
|00:34:31||What's the last thing
we remember doing last night?|
|00:34:34||Well, the first thing was
we were on the roof...|
|00:34:36||...and were having those shots of Jäger.|
|00:34:40||And then we ate dinner
at The Palm. Right?|
|00:34:44||And then we played craps at
the Hard Rock, and I think Doug was there.|
|00:34:48||That sounds right.
No, no. He definitely was.|
|00:34:50||You know what, guys?
I don't even remember going to dinner.|
|00:34:53||What the fuck? I don't think
I've ever been this hung-over.|
|00:34:56||After the Hard Rock, I blacked out.
It was like emptiness.|
|00:35:00||Okay. We have up until 10 p. M...|
|00:35:02||...so that gives us a 12-hour window
where we could have lost him.|
|00:35:06||What is this?
- Oh, my God. That is my tooth.|
|00:35:10||Why do you have that?
What else is in your pockets?|
|00:35:13||This is a good thing. No.
Check your pockets. Check your pockets.|
|00:35:16||Do you have anything?|
|00:35:18||I have an ATM receipt
from the Bellagio.|
|00:35:21||Eleven-oh-five for $800!
I am so fucked.|
|00:35:28||I have a valet ticket from Caesars.
Looks like we got in at 5:15 a.m.|
|00:35:32||Oh, shit. We drove last night?|
|00:35:36||Driving drunk. Classic.|
|00:35:41||What's on your arm?|
|00:35:44||- What the fuck is that?
- Jesus, Phil.|
|00:35:46||- You were in the hospital last night.
- I guess so, yeah.|
|00:35:49||- You okay?
- Yeah, Alan. I'm fine.|
|00:35:51||What the hell is going on?|
|00:35:53||Well, Stu, Stu, this is a good thing.
We have a lead now.|
|00:35:56||Hey, Stu, watch this.|
|00:36:02||- You ever seen a baby do that?
- Dude, Alan, not cool.|
|00:36:07||So, uh, are you sure you're qualified
to be taking care of that baby?|
|00:36:13||What? I've found a baby before.|
|00:36:15||- You found a baby before?
- Coffee Bean.|
|00:36:22||Hey, Phil? I don't think Doug
would want us to take the Mercedes.|
|00:36:25||Relax, we'll be careful.|
|00:36:26||My dad is crazy about that car.
He left Doug in charge...|
|00:36:29||Alan. We got bigger problems here.|
|00:36:32||Doug could be in the hospital,
he could be hurt.|
|00:36:35||- Let's worry about the car later.
- Uh, guys? Check it out.|
|00:36:42||All right, grab it from the other side.|
|00:36:44||Is that the mattress from Doug's room?|
|00:36:47||What the fuck?|
|00:36:50||Hey, man, what's going on here?|
|00:36:52||Some asshole threw his bed
out the window last night.|
|00:36:56||- No shit.
|00:36:58||Some guys just can't handle Vegas.|
|00:37:06||It's gonna be okay, Stu.|
|00:37:09||How the hell did we manage that?|
|00:37:15||- Here's your car, officers.
- Oh, God.|
|00:37:18||All right, everybody act cool.
All right, don't say a word.|
|00:37:21||Come on, let's just get in and go.
|00:37:27||- Stu, you got a five? No.|
|00:37:30||I'll hit you on the way back.
VALET: Thank you, sir.|
|00:37:33||Oh, my God. Oh, my God.|
|00:37:37||You just nailed the baby.|
|00:37:39||Are my glasses okay?|
|00:37:41||Your glasses are fine, dick.|
|00:37:49||This is so illegal.|
|00:37:52||Can't you see the fun part in anything?|
|00:37:55||Yeah, we're stuck in traffic
in a stolen police car...|
|00:37:58||...with a missing child
in the back seat.|
|00:38:00||Which part of this is fun?|
|00:38:02||- I think the cop-car part's pretty cool.
- Thank you, Alan. It is cool.|
|00:38:07||Doug would love it.|
|00:38:14||- Check this out.
Oh, no. No, Phil. No, Phil.|
|00:38:17||Don't do this!|
|00:38:18||Take it easy.
- Just try to call more attention to us.|
|00:38:20||PHIL [OVER PA]: Attention.
|00:38:22||Attention, please. Move out of the way.|
|00:38:24||I repeat, please disperse.|
|00:38:28||Phil, stop the car, I wanna get out.
Stop the car, I wanna get out. Pull over.|
|00:38:32||Ma'am, in the leopard dress,
you have an amazing rack.|
|00:38:37||Get off the sidewalk!
Get off the sidewalk!|
|00:38:39||I should have been a fucking cop.|
|00:38:48||Look, I already told you.|
|00:38:49||You came in with a mild concussion,
some bruised ribs. No big deal.|
|00:38:52||Although none of you could articulate
how it happened.|
|00:38:55||Do you remember how many of us
|00:38:59||I don't know. I think it was just you guys.
Definitely no baby.|
|00:39:03||- And one other guy.
- That's our guy. Was he okay?|
|00:39:07||Yeah. He was fine.
Just whacked out of his mind. You all were.|
|00:39:11||All right, come forward.
|00:39:17||There you go. And cough.|
|00:39:21||Cough. Cough. Give me one more.|
|00:39:25||All right. Thattaboy.|
|00:39:29||Okay, Felix, you can put your robe on.|
|00:39:31||And the nurse will be in here
in a minute.|
|00:39:33||I'll see you after the weekend.|
|00:39:35||Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, doctor.|
|00:39:40||Guys, I really gotta go. I'm sorry.
I have a surgery up on the fourth floor.|
|00:39:45||No, I know. But we just need
a couple more minutes of your time.|
|00:39:50||Yeah. Tuck it right in there.
I don't want to re-sterilize.|
|00:39:55||Walk with me.|
|00:39:59||Okay, here we go. Patient name,
Phil Wenneck, 2:45 a.m. Arrival.|
|00:40:04||Minor concussion, like I said.
Some bruising. Pretty standard.|
|00:40:07||Do you mind if I look?
I'm actually a doctor.|
|00:40:10||Yeah, you said that
several times last night.|
|00:40:12||But really, you're
just a dentist.|
|00:40:15||Okay, this is interesting.
Your blood work came in this morning.|
|00:40:22||They found a large amount of Ruphylin
in your system.|
Commonly known as the date-rape drug.|
|00:40:29||What, so, what are you saying,
I was raped last night?|
|00:40:39||I don't think so.
But someone did slip you the drug.|
|00:40:42||I'm not surprised
you don't remember anything.|
|00:40:45||Doc, none of us can remember anything
from last night. Remember?|
|00:40:49||Yeah. How could someone
have drugged all of us?|
I wouldn't worry about it.|
|00:40:53||The stuff's out of your system.
You're gonna be fine.|
|00:40:56||Wait, wait, wait. Please, doctor.
Is there anything else?|
|00:40:59||Like, something we may have been talking
about, or some place we were going?|
|00:41:03||Actually, there was something.|
|00:41:05||You guys kept talking about some wedding
|00:41:08||Yeah. No shit. Our buddy Doug's
getting married tomorrow.|
|00:41:11||- You know what? I want the 100 back.
- No, no. Easy.|
|00:41:13||You kept talking about some wedding
you just came from.|
|00:41:16||At the, uh, Best Little Chapel.|
|00:41:17||You kept saying how sick the wedding was
and getting all crazy about it.|
|00:41:21||Okay, I hope this helps.
I really have to leave.|
|00:41:23||Best Little Chapel,
do you know where that is?|
|00:41:26||I do. It's at the corner of Get A Map
and Fuck Off.|
|00:41:32||I'm a doctor, not a tour guide.|
|00:41:34||Figure it out yourself, okay?
You're big boys.|
|00:41:49||What about the baby?|
|00:41:50||Leave him in the car.
We're gonna be five minutes.|
|00:41:53||Whoa, we're not leaving a baby in the car.|
|00:41:55||He'll be fine. I cracked the window.|
|00:42:02||- What if they don't remember us?
- Well, let's just find out.|
|00:42:06||I'm sor... Excuse me, sir? Hi.|
|00:42:10||Look at these guys.|
|00:42:12||What happened? You miss me?
You miss Eddie? You want more from me?|
|00:42:15||How are you, my friend?
Look at this guy. You're fucking crazy.|
|00:42:19||What's going on, man?|
|00:42:20||Listen, I'm gonna tell you something.
I know some sick people in my life.|
|00:42:24||This guy is the craziest, wildest bastard
I ever met in my life, man.|
|00:42:29||- This guy?
- This guy is out of his mind.|
|00:42:31||What's going on,
you fucking crazy motherfucker?|
|00:42:33||I thought he was gonna eat my dick.|
No love for Eddie? You don't hug me?|
|00:42:38||No, no. It's not that, Eddie.|
|00:42:41||Uh, it's just that we're
having a hard time|
|00:42:43||remembering what happened
here last night.|
|00:42:45||Yeah, was there a wedding here?
Do you do weddings here?|
|00:42:50||You are cracking my balls, man.|
|00:42:51||I love these guys.
Zolea, what are you doing?|
|00:42:55||Bring my friends some tea,
some baklava, huh? Come on.|
|00:42:57||Unbelievable, man. Look at this chick.
Beautiful ass, no fucking brain.|
|00:43:01||But this is Vegas. You want intimacy,
forget it. You're gonna get sex.|
|00:43:05||That's it here, man.
No problem for me, though.|
|00:43:07||You want chicks?
I can get you beautiful chicks...|
|00:43:10||...from the Eastern Bloc. No questions.|
The tits like that, the nipple like that.|
|00:43:15||Obviously we were here.
We're looking for our friend Doug.|
|00:43:18||- Do you remember?
- Yeah, the small guy. Like a monkey.|
- You saw him?|
|00:43:23||Is there anything you can tell us about
what may have happened last night?|
|00:43:29||You don't remember nothing?|
|00:43:34||- Congratulations, Stu, you got married.
- This... This can't be happening.|
|00:43:39||- Oh, God. Look at that.|
|00:43:45||I'll tell you one thing,
you look seriously happy here, man.|
|00:43:50||That's it. My life is over.|
|00:43:52||Stu, it's okay. Look, shit happens.|
|00:43:53||Come on. Melissa's not gonna know
anything about this.|
|00:43:56||- This never happened.
I'll take care of it.|
|00:43:58||- Come on. Put it here.|
|00:43:59||Hey, what's all that?|
|00:44:01||The High Roller package.
It's what you ordered. I have coffee mugs.|
EDDIE: You have baseball caps, huh?|
|00:44:07||And fancy calendars, all with pictures
of Stu and Jade.|
|00:44:11||Her name's Jade?|
|00:44:12||Yeah, and she's beautiful, man.
Clean, very tight. Tits like that.|
|00:44:15||- But that's because she had a baby.
That explains the baby.|
|00:44:18||- Oh, Carlos. Carlos.
- Great. All right.|
|00:44:21||Uh, here's the deal.
We made a mistake last night.|
|00:44:23||We need this marriage annulled.
You do annulments?|
|00:44:25||Of course I do. It breaks my heart
and gonna make me sad...|
|00:44:28||...but it's no problem.
Good price for you.|
|00:44:30||I can't do it with just him, though.
I need the chick. I need both parties.|
|00:44:34||Oh, not a problem. That's great.
Isn't that great, Stu?|
|00:44:37||Come on, buddy.
She probably knows where Doug is.|
- All right, all right. Okay. Uh...|
|00:44:43||We need her address.
She filled out some paperwork, right?|
|00:44:47||Hey. Excuse me. What is the matter
with you? Go and get the paperwork, man.|
|00:44:51||- I spend my life waiting for you. Come on.
- Okay. I'm going.|
And get the baklava, please.|
|00:45:00||- Hey, Phil, what about my dad's car?
- I'm sure Doug has it. We'll get it back.|
|00:45:05||Then I vote we torch the cop car
and all this shit with it.|
|00:45:09||- Torch it? Who are you?
- I don't know, Phil.|
|00:45:13||Apparently I'm a guy who marries
|00:45:16||This whole situation is completely fucked.|
|00:45:21||- These mugs. This hat. This car.
|00:45:25||It's all evidence
of a night that never happened.|
|00:45:28||That is why we're torching all of it.|
|00:45:30||Whoa, I'm a schoolteacher,
I got a family, okay?|
|00:45:33||I'm all for secrecy,
but I'm not gonna torch a cop car.|
|00:45:36||- Fine. I'll do it.
- Can I help?|
|00:45:38||- Yeah, thanks.
- And how exactly are you gonna do that?|
|00:45:40||Easy. You just pour kerosene over a ferret,
light it on both ends, put it in.|
|00:45:44||They're attracted to the gas lines.|
|00:45:46||- What? A ferret?
- Yeah. Yeah.|
|00:45:47||Or a tamed raccoon,
but it's a lot of trouble.|
|00:45:50||If you wanna...
- Does it matter if it's tamed?|
|00:45:53||Yeah, because if it's untamed,
it won't take the kerosene as well.|
|00:45:57||- Is it Doug?
- I don't have it.|
|00:45:59||It's Doug, it's Doug.|
|00:46:01||Uh, it's Melissa.|
|00:46:02||- Don't answer.
- I have to. She's called twice already!|
|00:46:05||- Can I ride shotgun?
Don't touch me.|
|00:46:06||Hey, sweetheart, how are you?|
|00:46:08||There you are.
This is the third time I'm trying you.|
|00:46:12||I know. The reception up here's crazy.|
|00:46:15||I think it's all the sequoia trees,
block the signal.|
|00:46:18||Ugh, I hate that.
So how was it last night?|
|00:46:21||Ah, it was really fun, actually.
It was quiet, but it was a good time.|
|00:46:24||MELISSA: That sounds nice.|
|00:46:27||- I'm learning all kinds of vino factoids.
|00:46:31||It'd be so cool if I could breast-feed,
|00:46:36||...we're about to go for a tractor ride.
What the fuck?|
|00:46:39||I should get going. So pretty.
A tractor ride?|
|00:46:44||- Go, out of the car!
- What was that?|
|00:46:46||They started up the tractor.
I think it backfired.|
|00:46:48||- Where the hell is he?
Hey, easy, easy.|
|00:46:51||I think we're looking for
the same guy, okay?|
|00:46:54||Hey! What the hell, man?|
|00:46:57||What the fuck, Stu?
Is that a baby?|
|00:47:00||Why would there be a baby?
We're at a winery. That's a goat.|
|00:47:03||- Where is he?
- I don't know! What are you talking about?|
|00:47:06||Sir, can you please start the tractor
so we can get out of here?|
|00:47:09||I'm trying to, but we're fucking blocked.|
|00:47:11||Oh, my God!
What the hell is happening, Stu?|
|00:47:14||- Hey! There's a baby on board!
- Someone just said "baby."|
|00:47:17||- Get out of the car!
- It's a baby goat.|
|00:47:20||Why you making trouble
for my business, man?|
|00:47:22||- Go away from here.
- Get out of the car!|
|00:47:24||- Phil, he's got a gun!
- No shit he's got a gun!|
|00:47:26||- I gotta call you back. Bye.
- Come on.|
|00:47:30||Fuck! Shit. EDDIE: He shot me!|
|00:47:32||- He shot Eddie!
- Fuck this shit!|
|00:47:40||Go, go, go!|
|00:47:46||Okay. Oh, that was some sick shit!|
|00:47:50||Who were those guys?|
|00:47:51||We're gonna be okay.
Everything's gonna be okay.|
|00:47:53||What the fuck is going on?!|
|00:47:56||I have no idea.|
|00:48:04||Why don't you just let that
go to voice-mail?|
|00:48:09||That's a fake laugh, by the way.|
|00:48:14||It's got, uh, Ted Danson and Magnum
P.I. And that Jewish actor.|
|00:48:19||Shut up, Alan.|
|00:48:21||- What room was it again?
- It's 825.|
I know, I did. I already checked with her.|
|00:48:26||I found him, I'll call you back.
Thank God, he's with his father.|
|00:48:30||I was freaking out. I missed you, sweetie.|
|00:48:34||And I miss you.|
|00:48:43||- What the hell
happened to you guys?|
|00:48:44||- Actually, we were
hoping you could tell us.|
|00:48:47||What do you mean? I got up this morning,
I went to get coffee...|
|00:48:50||...and I came back and you were gone.|
|00:48:53||- Why are you being so quiet?
- I'm not being quiet.|
|00:48:58||Ha, ha. You're so cute.|
|00:48:59||Yeah, I gotta feed Tyler.
Come inside, you guys.|
|00:49:04||Did you hear that? Baby's name is Tyler.|
|00:49:07||Yeah. I thought he looked
more like a Carlos too, bud.|
|00:49:14||Okay, what's up?
You guys are acting weird.|
|00:49:18||- Look, it's Jade, right?
- Very funny, Phil.|
|00:49:21||Right, Jade, uh, ahem,
you remember our friend, Doug.|
|00:49:25||Are you kidding? He was the best man.|
|00:49:27||Exactly. Well, we can't find him,
and we're getting worried.|
|00:49:30||Oh, my God, that is so Doug.|
|00:49:33||Ha, ha. Oh.|
|00:49:36||Oh, sweetie, I'm...
I'm gonna go clean him off.|
|00:49:38||It's all right, Daddy didn't mean it.|
|00:49:41||Oh, my God.|
|00:49:42||What the fuck, man,
you gotta hold it together.|
|00:49:44||- Holy shit.
- She is super hot.|
|00:49:46||- You should be proud of yourself.
- She's wearing my grandmother's ring!|
- The ring I'm gonna give to Melissa.|
my grandmother's Holocaust ring?|
|00:49:54||- Fuck. Okay.
- She's wearing it.|
|00:49:56||I didn't know they gave out rings
at the Holocaust.|
|00:50:00||- He's okay. Oh, good.|
|00:50:02||He was just hungry, he's fine.
- Oh, good.|
|00:50:04||About last night, uh, ahem, do you
remember the last time you saw Doug?|
|00:50:09||- Uh, I haven't seen him since the wedding.
- The wedding. Okay. Great.|
|00:50:13||And, uh, we can't re...
What time was that at?|
|00:50:16||Well, it was, um...|
|00:50:21||I guess it was around 1, because I had
to go back to work and finish my shift.|
|00:50:24||And then when I got out I headed over
to the hotel with Tyler.|
|00:50:27||And was Doug there then?|
|00:50:29||I didn't see Doug because you guys
were passed out. The room was a wreck.|
|00:50:32||- So I just curled up next to Stu.
|00:50:39||I got a question.
Um, you said when your shift ended.|
|00:50:42||Does that mean you're a nurse?
Or a blackjack dealer?|
|00:50:47||- You know this. I'm a stripper.
I'm an escort, but|
|00:50:51||stripping's a great way
to meet the clients.|
|00:50:56||But that's all in the past,
now that I married a doctor.|
|00:51:00||I'm just a dentist.|
|00:51:03||- Las Vegas Police! Freeze!
|00:51:05||Shut that baby up! Shut that baby up!|
|00:51:07||Oh, God! Okay, okay, okay.|
|00:51:15||After we take the mug shots,
we bring them down here...|
|00:51:18||...where they wait to be interviewed
by the arresting officers.|
|00:51:22||Trust me, kids, you do not wanna be sitting
on these benches.|
|00:51:25||We call this place Loserville.|
|00:51:30||Follow me. All right, let's do it. Come on.|
|00:51:39||- Hey, Tracy! It's Phil.
TRACY: Hey, Phil.|
|00:51:42||- Where are you guys?
- We are at the spa at the hotel.|
|00:51:47||Cool. We're just getting some sun.
Is Doug around?|
|00:51:50||Of course. Why wouldn't he be?|
|00:51:52||I'm just wondering
why you're calling me.|
|00:51:56||We made a deal,
no talking to girlfriends or wives.|
|00:51:59||So we're all calling each other's.|
|00:52:03||TRACY: Okay. What's up?|
|00:52:04||Uh, you are not gonna believe this.
We got comped an extra night at the hotel.|
|00:52:10||Yeah. The suite is... It's ridiculous.
It's out of control.|
|00:52:13||There's, like, room service and a butler.
I mean, just the works.|
|00:52:17||We're thinking of spending the night...|
|00:52:19||...and we're gonna come back
in the morning.|
|00:52:21||You wanna stay an extra night?
But the wedding's tomorrow.|
|00:52:25||That's why we're gonna get up early,
and we'll be back in plenty of time.|
|00:52:29||Okay. Are you sure that's a good idea?|
|00:52:31||Wenneck, Price, Garner. Room 3.|
|00:52:34||Okay, Trace, I gotta go.
We'll talk to you later.|
|00:52:40||- Come on, chop-chop.
- Okay, spin around.|
|00:52:43||- That's it.
- Goddamn it.|
|00:52:45||- Wait a second.
- I'll go over. I'll go over.|
Can you just...? Hold on.|
|00:52:49||We got it. Alan, just relax.
And then just... There we go.|
|00:53:01||We've got some good news,
and we've got some bad news.|
|00:53:05||The good news is
we found your Mercedes.|
|00:53:08||- That's great news.
- That's great. See?|
|00:53:10||Yeah, it's over at impound right now.
We picked it up at 5 a.m. This morning...|
|00:53:14||...parked in the middle
of Las Vegas Boulevard.|
|00:53:17||In the middle. That's weird.
- Yeah, that is weird.|
|00:53:21||There was also a note.|
|00:53:23||It says, uh, "Couldn't find a meter,
but here's 4 bucks."|
|00:53:29||The bad news is...|
|00:53:32||...we can't get you in front of a judge
until Monday morning.|
|00:53:35||Oh, no, uh, officer,
that's just impossible.|
|00:53:39||No, we need to be in L.A. Tomorrow
for a wedding.|
|00:53:41||- You stole a police car.|
|00:53:44||- We didn't steal anything.
Um, we found it.|
|00:53:47||Yeah, if anything, we deserve a reward
or something, like a trophy.|
|00:53:50||- I see assholes like you every day.
- Every fucking day.|
|00:53:54||"Let's go to Vegas,
we'll all get drunk and laid!"|
|00:53:56||- Yeah. Whoo! Woo-hoo.
|00:53:58||"Let's steal a cop car,
because it'd be really fucking funny."|
|00:54:01||Think you gonna get away with it?
Not up in here.|
|00:54:04||- Not up in here!
|00:54:11||...if I may, um...|
|00:54:12||...I'm assuming that that squad car
belongs to one of you.|
|00:54:15||- Yeah. Yeah.|
|00:54:17||Look, I'm not a cop.|
|00:54:20||I'm no hero. I'm a schoolteacher.|
|00:54:24||But if one of my kids went missing
on a field trip...|
|00:54:28||...that would look really bad on me.|
|00:54:31||- What are you getting at?
- Yeah, Phil, what are you getting at?|
|00:54:34||No one wants to look bad.
We gotta get to a wedding...|
|00:54:38||...and you guys don't need people
|00:54:40||...how some obnoxious tourists borrowed
your squad car last night.|
|00:54:44||But look, the point is,
I think we can work out a deal.|
|00:54:47||Discreetly of course, ma'am.|
|00:54:50||What do you say?|
Let me ask you a question:|
|00:55:02||Do, uh, any of you gentlemen have a
heart condition or anything like that?|
you're in for a real treat today.|
|00:55:13||These gentlemen have kindly volunteered
|00:55:16||...how a stun gun is used
to subdue a suspect.|
|00:55:21||- That's right.
- Wait a sec. What?|
|00:55:22||Now, there's two ways to use a stun gun.
Up close and personal.|
|00:55:28||- What the fuck?
- Or you can shoot it from a distance.|
|00:55:31||Do I have any volunteers? You wanna
come up here and do some shooting? Huh?|
|00:55:35||All right, how about you, young lady?
Come on up here. All right.|
|00:55:38||Let's go, handsome, come on.|
|00:55:40||Not you, fat Jesus, slide it on back.
You, pretty boy.|
|00:55:44||GIRL: Fat Jesus.
FRANKLIN: All right, now, it's real simple.|
|00:55:46||All you gotta do is point, aim and shoot.|
You don't really wanna do this.|
|00:55:54||You can do this. Just focus.|
|00:55:56||Don't listen to this maniac.
Let's think this through.|
|00:56:00||Oh, fuck. FRANKLIN: Yeah!|
|00:56:04||Right in the nuts! That was beautiful.|
|00:56:08||- Well done. Give her a hand, everybody.
- Good job. Good job.|
|00:56:13||Good job. Well done. Good job.
That was great.|
|00:56:17||Good. Hey, we got one more charge left.
Anybody wanna do some shooting up here?|
|00:56:23||How about you, big man?
Come on up here.|
|00:56:41||Okay, same instructions.
Just point, aim and shoot.|
|00:56:49||There you go. That's the stuff.|
|00:56:51||I like the intensity.|
|00:56:54||Eye of the tiger. Good.|
|00:56:56||You're holding 50,000 volts, little man.
Don't be afraid to ride the lightning.|
|00:57:03||In the face! In the face!|
|00:57:08||Oh, he's still up. He's still up.|
|00:57:12||All right, everybody relax, take it easy.|
|00:57:15||We've seen it before.
He just needs a little extra charge.|
|00:57:19||There we go.|
|00:57:22||Some of these big boys,
you gotta give them two shots.|
|00:57:25||All right, kids, who wants to get their
fingerprints done, huh? Come on, let's go.|
|00:57:30||Fuck those guys, you hear me?|
|00:57:33||That was bullshit.
I'm telling everybody we stole a cop car.|
|00:57:36||- They let us go, who cares?
- I care!|
|00:57:39||You can't just do that. You can't just
tase people because you think it's funny.|
|00:57:44||That's police brutality.|
|00:57:50||I'm getting a soda.
Do you guys want anything?|
|00:57:58||My man doesn't shut up. Jesus Christ.|
|00:58:03||Alan, you okay?|
|00:58:06||I'm just worried.|
|00:58:09||What if something happened to Doug?
|00:58:12||Come on, you can't think like that.|
|00:58:14||I mean, what if he's dead?|
|00:58:16||I can't afford to lose anybody
close to me again. It hurts too much.|
|00:58:20||- I was so upset when my grandpa died.
- Oh, I'm s... How'd he die?|
|00:58:24||- World War II.
- Died in battle?|
|00:58:27||No, he was skiing in Vermont.
It was just during World War II.|
|00:58:33||...Doug is fine.
- Well, why hasn't he called?|
|00:58:36||I don't know,
but we're gonna figure it out.|
|00:58:39||I'll tell you another thing,
6-1 odds our car is beat to shit.|
|00:58:43||Stu, not now.|
|00:58:44||No, how much do you wanna bet
it's fucked beyond recognition?|
|00:58:47||That's enough. Alan's seriously worried,
okay? Let's not freak him out any more.|
|00:58:56||You know what?|
|00:58:58||We'll search the car for clues
and everything's gonna be okay.|
|00:59:03||Oh, shit. I can't watch.
Just tell me what it looks like.|
|00:59:07||Not looking. Not looking.|
|00:59:11||- Wow. All right.
Oh, thank God.|
|00:59:17||It's gonna be all right.|
|00:59:25||- Anything? Hmm, I got a cigar.|
|00:59:28||Oh, I found, uh...
These are some black shoes.|
|00:59:31||- They women's shoes?
- I don't know.|
|00:59:34||- Whose are those?
- I don't know. It's a men's size 6.|
|00:59:38||- That's weird.
- What is this, a snakeskin?|
|00:59:40||Oh, come on! Ew!|
|00:59:42||- That's a used condom, Alan.
- Oh, God. Blech!|
|00:59:45||- Get it out of the car.
Gross, it's wet.|
|00:59:47||- I don't want the thing.
- Hey! Come on.|
|00:59:50||I got jizz on me. Jesus Christ, guys!|
|00:59:54||Get it out. Fuck!|
|00:59:57||Oh, my God.|
|00:59:59||All right, what the fuck, man?
We gotta get this shit together, guys!|
|01:00:06||What was that?|
|01:00:08||It's in the trunk.|
|01:00:10||- Doug's in the trunk.
Oh, fuck! Holy shit!|
|01:00:15||- Open it! Open it! Open it!
Okay, okay, okay.|
|01:00:17||Okay, okay, okay.|
|01:00:24||Please! Please! Please stop!|
|01:00:34||Whoa. I'm with you, I'm with you!|
|01:00:36||- You gonna fuck on me?
- Nobody's gonna fuck on you!|
|01:00:40||We're on your side. I hate Godzilla!
I hate him too. I hate him!|
|01:00:44||He destroys cities! Please!|
|01:00:47||This isn't your fault.
I'll get you some pants.|
|01:00:56||What the fuck was that?|
|01:01:00||I have internal bleeding.
Somebody call 911.|
|01:01:04||That was some fucked up shit.|
|01:01:07||Who was that guy? He was so mean.|
|01:01:12||Guys, there's something
I need to tell you.|
|01:01:16||Last night on the roof,
before we went out...|
|01:01:21||...I slipped something
in our Jägermeister.|
- I'm sorry, I fudged up, guys.|
|01:01:29||- You drugged us?
- No, I didn't drug you.|
|01:01:32||I was told it was ecstasy.|
|01:01:35||Well, who told you it was ecstasy?|
|01:01:37||The guy I bought it from
at the liquor store.|
|01:01:40||Why would you give us ecstasy?|
|01:01:41||I wanted everybody to have a good time
and I knew you guys wouldn't take it.|
|01:01:45||It was just one hit each.
I used to do three hits a night.|
|01:01:49||But it wasn't ecstasy, Alan,
it was roofies!|
|01:01:53||You think I knew that, Stu?|
|01:01:55||The guy I bought it from
seemed like a real straight shooter.|
|01:01:58||You mean the drug dealer at the
liquor store wasn't a good guy?|
|01:02:01||Let's just calm down.|
|01:02:02||You fucking calm down! He drugged us.
I lost a tooth. I married a whore.|
|01:02:08||- How dare you! She's a nice lady.
- You are such a fucking moron.|
|01:02:12||- Your language is offensive.
let's just take a deep breath, okay?|
|01:02:18||Seriously, this is a good thing.|
|01:02:20||At least it's not some stranger who
drugged us for God knows what reason.|
|01:02:24||Yeah, you're right, Phil,
it's totally a good thing.|
|01:02:28||We're so much better off now.|
I would like to remind you two of:|
|01:02:34||Our best friend Doug is probably
facedown in a ditch right now...|
|01:02:38||...with a meth-head butt-fucking
|01:02:42||- That's highly unlikely.
- It's true.|
|01:02:44||Does not help. All right, let's
get our shit together, guys.|
|01:02:48||Let's go back to the hotel,
and I'm gonna make a couple calls.|
|01:02:51||Maybe Doug's back there.
Maybe he's asleep.|
|01:02:53||Come on. Let's go.|
|01:02:56||- Stu? Little help? Shut up.|
- Oh, God. Oh, God, are you okay?|
|01:03:06||Yeah, I'm fine.
- Alan, I'm sorry.|
|01:03:19||Wait, guys. Guys.|
|01:03:21||What about the tiger?
What if he got out?|
|01:03:23||Oh, fuck. I keep forgetting
about the goddamn tiger.|
|01:03:28||How the fuck did he get in there?|
|01:03:30||- I don't know, because I don't remember.
- Shh. Stu. Stu, keep it down.|
|01:03:35||Because one of the, uh, side effects
of, uh, roofies is memory loss.|
|01:03:40||You are literally too stupid to insult.|
|01:03:44||- Thank you.
|01:03:51||Hey, come on.|
|01:03:56||Did we leave the music on?|
|01:04:02||Don't make any sudden movements.|
|01:04:06||- Unh. Whoa!
|01:04:07||- Who the hell are you?
- No, who are you?|
|01:04:15||Shh. This is my favorite part
coming up right now.|
|01:04:28||Need a chorus line, guys.|
|01:04:38||One more time, guys.|
|01:04:46||Why did you do that?|
|01:04:48||Mr. Tyson would like to know
why is his tiger in your bathroom.|
that was completely unnecessary.|
|01:04:54||I'm a huge fan.
When you knocked out Holmes, that was...|
|01:04:59||All right, look, we were
drugged last night.|
|01:05:01||We have no memory
of what happened.|
|01:05:04||We got in all kinds of trouble last night
and now we can't find our friend.|
|01:05:08||If you wanna kill us,
go ahead because I don't care anymore.|
|01:05:11||- What are you talking about?
- I don't care.|
|01:05:13||Why the fuck
would you wanna steal his tiger?|
|01:05:16||We tend to do dumb shit
when we're fucked up.|
|01:05:19||- I don't believe these guys, man.
- Wait, how did you guys find us?|
|01:05:23||One of you dropped your jacket.
Found it in the tigers' cage this morning.|
His wallet and his room key is in there.|
|01:05:32||- No, that's our missing friend.
LEONARD: I don't give a fuck.|
|01:05:35||- Did you guys see him?
MIKE: I was fast asleep.|
|01:05:37||Because if he was up, this
wouldn't have gone down so smoothly.|
|01:05:40||Maybe one of the tigers
ate his ass like Omar.|
|01:05:44||Wha... What happened to Omar?|
|01:05:45||Oh, don't worry about Omar,
he's not with us no more.|
|01:05:48||Okay, I know this is asking a lot...|
|01:05:50||...but do you think we could
go to your house and look around...|
|01:05:53||...see if there's any clues?|
|01:05:55||Absolutely. How else you think
we're gonna get the tiger back anyway?|
|01:05:59||- Come on, champ.
- I'm sorry?|
|01:06:03||We're not gonna put it in the Bentley.
You brought it here, you bring it back.|
|01:06:07||What you think, about 40 minutes?|
|01:06:10||Don't make me come back for him.|
|01:06:16||- That was Mike Tyson.
- Yeah, no shit that was Mike Tyson.|
|01:06:19||I'm just saying, he's still got it.|
|01:06:24||Bud, are you okay?|
|01:06:25||- Oh, my God.
|01:06:27||Fuck, where'd he get him?|
|01:06:35||This does not seem fair.|
|01:06:37||It's Rock, Paper, Scissors.
There's nothing more fair.|
|01:06:40||- Alan should do it.
- Alan took a punch from Mike Tyson.|
|01:06:44||Come on. For Doug.|
|01:06:46||Why are you peppering the steak?
You don't know if tigers like pepper.|
|01:06:50||Tigers love pepper. They hate cinnamon.|
|01:06:55||Phil, just do it. You should do it.|
|01:06:58||I would, but you lost.
It wouldn't be right.|
|01:07:02||Okay, I jammed five roofies in there.|
|01:07:04||Just go in there and throw it in to him.|
|01:07:11||Make sure he eats the whole thing.|
|01:07:27||Hey, sweetie, it's okay.
I got a little snack for you.|
|01:07:31||Real important that you eat this, okay?|
|01:07:34||Yeah, just have a little...|
|01:07:44||What do we do now?|
|01:07:57||What do tigers dream of|
|01:08:00||When they take a little tiger snooze?|
|01:08:04||Do they dream of mauling zebras|
|01:08:08||Or Halle Berry in her catwoman suit?|
|01:08:12||Don't you worry your pretty striped head|
|01:08:15||We're gonna get you back to Tyson
And your cozy tiger bed|
|01:08:19||And then we're gonna find
Our best friend Doug|
|01:08:22||And then we're gonna give him
A best-friend hug|
|01:08:30||Doug, Dougie, Dougie, Doug, Doug|
|01:08:34||But if he's been murdered
By crystal-meth tweakers|
|01:08:41||Well, then we're shit out of luck|
|01:08:50||By the way, we're all gonna die.|
|01:09:02||Oh, God. Watch it!|
|01:09:03||His nose. That's his nose.|
|01:09:11||Please don't stop. Please don't stop.|
|01:09:15||Please don't... Goddamn it.|
I'm gonna beat you! Ha-ha-ha.|
|01:09:22||Oh... He won again.|
|01:09:26||- Hey, fellas. Rough night?
|01:09:30||Sweetie, stay close to Mama.|
|01:09:34||- What's this?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.|
|01:09:36||Take it easy, little man.
You don't wanna be touching that.|
|01:09:40||No, partner, that's not your property.|
|01:09:46||So, what do you guys got under there?|
|01:09:48||Just a whole bunch of
"mind your own business."|
- He's correct. My fault.|
|01:09:54||- You okay?
- Aren't we riding an elevator?|
|01:09:56||Why, is this Jeopardy?
What the fuck is this bullshit?|
|01:09:59||- Please, with the language.
|01:10:04||- I fully agree.
|01:10:14||Hey, guys, when's the next
|01:10:17||- Who cares, man?
- Do you know, Stu?|
|01:10:21||I don't think it's for, like,
another 60 years or something.|
|01:10:24||- But it's not tonight, right?
- No, I don't think so.|
|01:10:27||But you don't know for sure?|
|01:10:31||I got this cousin who saw one.
He said it blew his mind.|
|01:10:34||I wanna make sure I never, ever miss out
on a Halley's Comet.|
|01:10:37||So if you guys
know if there's gonna be one...|
|01:10:41||[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY
& TIGER ROARING]|
|01:11:01||- Oh, my God! Fuck it!|
|01:11:03||Stu! Stu, it got me! Stu!|
|01:11:05||You got clawed! You're bleeding!|
|01:11:10||- Oh. I'm panicking.|
|01:11:12||- Aah! Oh, my God.|
|01:11:14||Okay. Okay, okay. Wait, hold on.|
|01:11:26||- I can't do it.
Get your fucking hand back in there...|
|01:11:28||...and steer the car.
- I'm too nervous.|
|01:11:30||Alan. We need you, buddy.
This is your time to shine, okay?|
|01:11:33||Okay, yeah. Whew.|
|01:11:36||Daddy's gonna kill me.|
|01:11:37||- That's it. That's good.|
|01:11:39||Keep it straight.|
|01:11:50||- You're late.
- Whatever, man.|
|01:11:52||We had to push it the last mile.|
|01:11:54||Come on in. Mike's got something
he wants to show you.|
|01:12:02||That thing's out of control, man.
Seriously, you gotta put it down.|
|01:12:07||When we got back,
we took a look at the security cameras.|
|01:12:14||PHIL [ON VIDEO]: This is how you walk.
This is how you walk.|
|01:12:16||- Oh, it's Doug.
- Oh, thank God he's alive.|
|01:12:20||That's our buddy.
That's who we've been missing.|
|01:12:23||We're all best friends.|
|01:12:25||Why don't you just pay attention?
I don't have all night.|
|01:12:27||Yeah, of course. Of course.|
|01:12:30||What are you doing?
Hey, guys. Check it out. Watch this.|
|01:12:34||That's me, I'm on TV.
I've never been on TV before.|
|01:12:37||What are you doing, man?|
|01:12:39||Really? Really, Alan?|
|01:12:42||You got a fire hose, man?|
|01:12:45||Yeah, I was, uh...|
|01:12:48||You're gonna overflow the pool, man.|
|01:12:51||- Maybe... Should I wait outside?
- I think that's a good idea, Alan.|
|01:12:58||Don't touch anything out there, either.|
|01:13:00||You know what? He's not our good fr...
We don't know him that well.|
|01:13:06||Come on. Come on, come on.|
|01:13:09||By the way,
where you get that cop car from?|
|01:13:11||We, uh, stole it from
these dumb-ass cops.|
|01:13:18||High five that one.|
|01:13:21||Yeah, that's nice.|
|01:13:23||You know, I just have to say...|
|01:13:25||...I have never seen a more beautiful,
elegant, just regal creature.|
|01:13:28||Check it out. Stu. Stu.
Fuck this tiger.|
|01:13:31||Oh, my God. That's awful.
MIKE: Oh, man.|
|01:13:36||PHIL [OVER TV]: Oh, shit.
- Who does shit like that, man?|
|01:13:39||Someone who has a lot of issues, obviously.
I'm a sick man.|
|01:13:44||Oh, my God.|
|01:13:47||That's all we got.|
|01:13:49||This was hugely helpful.|
|01:13:52||Really. Because now we know
that our buddy Doug...|
|01:13:55||...was with us at 3:30, totally alive.|
|01:13:59||Thanks again, champ. And, uh, again,
we are so sorry we stole your tiger.|
|01:14:04||Don't worry about it, man.|
|01:14:05||Like you said, we all do dumb shit
when we're fucked up.|
|01:14:10||- I told you he'd get it.
- I did say that.|
|01:14:17||You know, everyone says
Mike Tyson is such a badass...|
|01:14:20||...but I think he's kind of a sweetheart.|
|01:14:23||I think he's mean.|
|01:14:25||All right. I think it's officially time
we call Tracy.|
|01:14:28||Hallelujah. Finally, Phil says something
that makes sense.|
|01:14:32||We don't have much of a choice.
And maybe she's heard from Doug.|
|01:14:35||That's what I been saying this whole time.|
|01:14:38||We just need to be completely honest.
We need to tell her everything.|
|01:14:43||We don't have to tell her everything.
We can leave out the stuff...|
|01:14:47||...about me marrying a hooker.|
|01:14:49||Just stay focused on Doug.|
|01:14:52||- What am I gonna tell my dad?
- Alan, relax. It's just the inside.|
|01:14:55||Come on. I got a guy in L.A.
Who's great with interiors.|
|01:15:09||- Oh, Jesus! Oh, my God.|
|01:15:16||- Are you guys okay?
What the fuck?|
|01:15:27||I know that guy.
That's the guy from the trunk.|
|01:15:31||Get out of the car. Please.|
|01:15:35||W... W... Wait.
Those are the guys that shot Eddie.|
|01:15:39||- Listen... MAN 1: Let's go!|
- Oh, no.|
|01:15:42||Easy, easy. MAN 2: Come on.|
|01:15:43||Okay. All right.|
|01:15:45||- All right, all right.
MAN 2: Let's go.|
|01:15:48||Hey, relax. Ow. Ow. Ow!|
|01:15:51||- I have whiplash.
- Get this other fat boy.|
|01:15:53||Get the fat boy.|
|01:15:55||Hey, hey, hey.|
|01:15:56||All right, all right.
Hey, take it easy, take it easy!|
|01:16:00||I want my purse back, assholes.|
|01:16:05||- What? Your purse?
- That's not a purse, it's a satchel.|
|01:16:09||It's a purse. Okay?
And you steal from wrong guy.|
|01:16:13||Wait a second, wait a second.
We stole from you?|
|01:16:16||Okay, you know what?|
|01:16:17||We don't remember anything
that happened last night...|
|01:16:21||...so help us out a little here.|
|01:16:23||Well, apparently you guys met
at a craps table late last night.|
|01:16:28||You were on a heater,
and he played your hot streak.|
|01:16:30||- He ended up winning just under 80 grand.
- No shit? Eighty grand is nice.|
|01:16:34||Okay, that's good.|
|01:16:35||He put the chips in his purse,
and then you guys took off with it.|
|01:16:39||That doesn't sound like us.|
|01:16:40||Mine had $80,000 inside.
And this one? Nothing.|
|01:16:46||Hey, there are Skittles in there.|
|01:16:48||Ow! Oh, not again.|
|01:16:52||Don't let the beard fool you.
He's a child.|
|01:16:55||It's funny because he's fat.|
|01:16:57||Now, look, this was obviously
a very simple misunderstanding.|
|01:17:00||Alan picked up the wrong purse,
it's no big deal.|
|01:17:03||Okay, if it's, "No big deal,"
why, when I come after you guys...|
|01:17:07||...he starts screaming like crazy and
throw me in trunk?|
|01:17:12||What, I did that?|
|01:17:13||Yeah, you said he was your lucky charm,
and you want to take him home with you.|
|01:17:18||- Lucky charm.
- Oh, it's just funny.|
|01:17:25||If you want to see your friend again,
you get me my 80 grand.|
- Our friend?|
|01:17:31||- You have Doug?
You know about our friend?|
|01:17:38||- Doug's in the car! Doug's in the car!
- Doug, it's okay!|
|01:17:42||You chill out, goatee!|
|01:17:44||- Okay, okay. All right, fine, fine.
- What do you want?|
|01:17:48||Not so good now.
Quid pro quo, douche bag.|
|01:17:52||Look, we're very sorry.
But this is an easy fix.|
|01:17:55||- Alan, where's his purse?
- I don't know.|
|01:17:57||- It's in the hotel room, right?
- Yeah, we can get it.|
|01:18:00||We can get you the...
We can even write you a check right now.|
|01:18:03||No chance. Cash only.|
|01:18:05||- There's a person in there.
|01:18:09||Take nap. Come on.|
|01:18:11||Wait. I'm sorry we're boring you!|
|01:18:13||Doug, it's okay.
- You kidnapped our friend! Kidnapper!|
Oh, no. You're not going anywhere.|
|01:18:22||Stop. Run me over.|
|01:18:24||- Okay. Whoa. Whoa.
Stu, Stu, Stu.|
|01:18:28||Bring money to Big Rock
in Mojave Desert at dawn.|
- Toodle-oo, motherfucker.|
|01:18:40||Well, at least take the bag
off his head! Fuck!|
|01:18:56||Come on, get out of here.|
|01:19:03||Guys, I'm telling you,
I looked for it this|
|01:19:05||morning before we left.
It's not anywhere.|
|01:19:12||Stu, how much you got in the bank?|
|01:19:14||About 10 grand.
I was gonna use it for the wedding.|
|01:19:16||You're already married,
so we're good there.|
|01:19:19||Besides, enough with Melissa,
she's the worst.|
|01:19:21||Yeah, Doug told me she had sex
with a pilot or something.|
|01:19:24||It was a bartender on a cruise.
What is wrong with you people?|
|01:19:28||- Ew. Alan, did you just eat sofa pizza?
|01:19:33||What are we gonna do?
We are so fucked.|
|01:19:37||- Did you find it?
|01:19:40||But check this out.|
|01:20:29||Change only, 10,000.|
|01:20:35||- Hey, uh, these seats taken?
- No, feel free.|
|01:20:43||All right, let's play some blackjack!|
|01:21:08||That's it. Shut up, bitches.|
|01:21:19||- I'll stick.
- Oh, fuck you! Fuck you!|
|01:21:31||- Too many.
|01:21:36||I don't even know you,
but I'm gonna tell you that's dumb.|
|01:21:40||- Yes! Oh!|
|01:21:42||Okay, come on.
He can't lose. He can't lose.|
|01:21:46||I think the pit boss is watching him.|
|01:22:06||- Oh, my God.
- Are you okay?|
|01:22:08||I'm such a klutz. I get so nervous
when I gamble. I'm so silly.|
|01:22:11||- It happens.
- Whoa. Hold on a beat, okay?|
|01:22:15||- Let's just take it easy. This is my wife.
- It's hurting.|
|01:22:18||Make sure... Does it hurt? Does this hurt?|
|01:22:20||- Oh, ow.
- You all right?|
|01:22:21||I don't know.
- I don't know either. I don't...|
|01:22:24||I think you're fine. Let's go.|
|01:22:25||- Really? Okay.
she's had a little too much to drink.|
|01:22:31||Thanks, buddy. That's for you.|
|01:22:43||And 100, 200, 300, 400.|
|01:22:46||With all this, that's $82,400.|
|01:22:49||- Oh, goddamn it. I don't
fucking believe it.|
|01:22:53||- Alan, you're the man.
- You are too, Phil.|
|01:22:56||We should come back next week,
take the whole city down.|
|01:22:59||Oh, I'm free next week.|
|01:23:00||Or we could just focus
on getting Doug back, right now.|
|01:23:04||Uh, you know what? Next week's no good,
the Jonas Brothers are in town.|
|01:23:07||But any week after that is totally fine.|
|01:23:10||I think it's safe to say that our luck
has officially turned around, guys.|
|01:23:14||- We are back, baby. We are fucking back.
- We're back. Classic.|
|01:23:19||We are back, we are back|
|01:23:23||We are getting Doug back|
|01:23:25||And we're the three best friends
That anybody could have|
|01:23:29||We're the three best friends
That anyone could have|
|01:23:32||We're the three best friends
That anyone can have|
|01:23:35||And we'll never, ever, ever, ever, ever
Leave each other|
|01:23:38||We're the best three friends
That anybody could have|
|01:23:41||I mean, the three best friends
That anybody could have|
|01:23:44||That's right, the three best friends
That anybody can have|
- Give him the signal.|
|01:24:08||- What signal?
- Flash your lights. Let him know it's on.|
|01:24:12||- What's on?
- The deal.|
|01:24:15||Of course it's on. We just drove 30 miles
into the desert. He knows it's on.|
|01:24:19||Phil, just do something.|
|01:24:26||- Oh, shit. See?|
|01:24:28||All right, let's go.|
|01:24:44||Funny fat guy fall on face.|
|01:24:47||All right, we got the money.
Eighty grand, cash.|
|01:24:50||Throw it over. Then I give you Doug.|
|01:24:53||Um, I'm sorry. First
of all, good morning.|
|01:24:55||And we didn't catch
your name last night.|
|01:24:58||Mr. Chow. Leslie Chow.|
|01:25:01||Mr. Chow, it is a pleasure.
My name is Stu.|
|01:25:04||And we would very much appreciate
an opportunity to see Doug...|
|01:25:09||...before we give you the money,
just to verify that he's okay.|
|01:25:12||- If that's cool.
- Of course, Stu. That is cool.|
|01:25:27||- Oh, thank God.
|01:25:29||See, he fine. Now give me money...|
|01:25:32||...or I shoot him,
and I shoot all you motherfuckers.|
|01:25:36||And then we take it.
Your choice, bitches.|
|01:25:41||- Give him the money, Stu.
|01:25:52||- It's all there.
- Let him go.|
|01:25:58||All right, take it easy. Take it easy.|
|01:26:03||Is this some kind of joke?
Who the hell is this?|
|01:26:06||That is not Doug.|
|01:26:07||What you talking about, Willis?
|01:26:10||No, I'm sorry, Mr. Chow.
That's not our friend.|
|01:26:13||- He... That's...
- The Doug we're looking for is a white.|
|01:26:17||Ah! I told you you had the wrong guy,
what the fuck you got me into?|
|01:26:23||- You know him?|
|01:26:25||- This is the guy that
sold me the bad drugs.|
|01:26:26||- How you doing?
- I didn't sell you no fucking bad drugs.|
|01:26:29||- Wait. He sold you the Ruphylin?
- Ruphylin? I sold you that Ru...? Wha...?|
|01:26:34||- Who gives a shit? Where is Doug?
- I am Doug.|
|01:26:38||- Your name's Doug?
- Yes, I'm Doug.|
|01:26:41||His name's Doug too. Ha. Classic mix-up.|
|01:26:45||- Hey, Chow. You gave us the wrong Doug.
- Not my problem.|
|01:26:49||No, fuck that shit. Now, you give us
our 80 grand back and take him with you!|
|01:26:53||- No. Come on. I'll be your Doug.
- Oh, yeah, okay. Oh, I take him back.|
|01:26:58||Right after you suck on
these little Chinese nuts.|
|01:27:01||- Ah. That's nasty.
- Mmm. How that sound?|
|01:27:06||- So long, gay boys.
- Wait a second.|
|01:27:11||He's a nasty little motherfucker.|
|01:27:12||Did you ever get any ecstasy?|
|01:27:14||No, I ain't got no fucking ecstasy.|
|01:27:16||- Goddamn it! Gosh darn it!|
|01:27:19||- Shit! Shoot!|
- Ahem, Tracy, it's Phil.|
|01:27:34||Phil, where the hell are you guys?
I'm freaking out.|
|01:27:42||We fucked up.|
|01:27:44||Thanks for the lift back to town.|
|01:27:48||- I got a question for you.
- What's up?|
|01:27:50||How did you wind up in Chow's car?|
|01:27:52||That crazy asshole
kidnapped me yesterday.|
|01:27:55||Okay, but why? I mean, why you?|
|01:27:57||He thought I was with you guys because
we were hanging over at the Bellagio.|
- We were at the Bellagio?|
|01:28:03||We were shooting craps.
You don't remember?|
|01:28:05||No. No, we don't remember.|
|01:28:07||Because some dick drug dealer sold him
Ruphylin and told him it was ecstasy.|
|01:28:13||Ruphylin. There you go with that word.
Ruphylin. What the hell is a Ruphylin?|
|01:28:17||Wow, you are
the world's shittiest drug dealer.|
|01:28:22||Ruphylin, for your information, is the
date-rape drug. You sold Alan roofies.|
|01:28:27||Oh, shit. I must have mixed up the bags.
My fault, Alan.|
|01:28:31||Damn, Marshall gonna be pissed off at me
on that one.|
- It's funny, because just the other day...|
|01:28:38||...me and my boy, we was wondering
why they even call them roofies.|
|01:28:41||- You know what I'm talking about?
- No. Don't know.|
|01:28:44||Why not floories, right?
Because when you take them...|
|01:28:47||...you're more likely
to end up on the floor than the roof.|
|01:28:50||What about groundies?
That's a good new name for them.|
|01:28:54||Or, how about rapies?|
|01:28:56||- Wait, what did you just say?
|01:28:59||- Not you. Doug, what did you say before?
- I said groundies.|
|01:29:03||No, before that.|
|01:29:04||You said, "You're more likely to wind up
on the floor than..."|
- Listen, Trace, I'm really sorry. L...|
|01:29:14||TRACY: Phil? Hello?
- Tracy, it's Stu.|
|01:29:17||Stu. Talk to me. What's going on?|
|01:29:20||Uh, nothing. Don't listen to Phil.|
|01:29:22||He's completely out of his mind.
He's probably still drunk from last night.|
|01:29:27||He is paying the bill.
We just had a delicious brunch.|
|01:29:30||We're in a hurry to get back,
so we gotta get going.|
|01:29:33||- Okay, we'll see you soon. Bye.
|01:29:37||- What the fuck, man?
- I know where Doug is.|
|01:29:48||I don't know, man. It just hit me.|
|01:29:50||You remember when we saw
Doug's mattress impaled on that statue?|
|01:29:53||- Yeah, we threw it out the window.
- No, impossible.|
|01:29:55||- You can't open windows in Vegas hotels.
- Well, then how did it get...?|
|01:29:59||- Oh, my God!
- Ha, ha, ha.|
|01:30:01||- Whoa, wait. What's going on?
- Doug was trying to signal someone.|
|01:30:05||- Holy shit. Yes.|
|01:30:06||- Wait. How did you figure that out?
- Doug made me realize it.|
- Uh, not our Doug. Black Doug.|
|01:30:11||- Hey, hey, easy with that shit. Come on.
|01:30:15||Can someone tell me
where white Doug is?|
|01:30:17||- He's on the roof, Alan.
|01:30:18||He's on the roof. We must have taken him
up there as a prank...|
|01:30:22||...so he'd wake up on the roof.
- Like that time in summer camp.|
|01:30:25||We moved his sleeping bag
out in the jetty at the lake?|
|01:30:27||Ha, ha, ha. Which was hilarious.|
|01:30:29||It's not so funny now, though,
because we forgot where we put him.|
|01:30:32||You guys are retarded, you know that?|
|01:30:34||- Holy shit. You think he's still up there?
- There's only one way to find out.|
Doug, you up here, buddy?|
|01:30:53||Where you at, Doug?|
|01:31:04||He's over here!|
|01:31:08||Hey, I found him! He's over here!
- Oh, shit.|
|01:31:15||You're okay. Ha, ha, ha!|
|01:31:17||Oh, God. We gotta go, buddy. Come on.|
|01:31:20||Oh, we have been looking everywhere
|01:31:24||- He's alive.
- What the fuck is going on?|
|01:31:27||We can explain everything,
but right now we gotta go.|
|01:31:30||- Hey, bud. You okay?
- No. Not okay.|
|01:31:34||You look good, you got some color.
|01:31:37||- I'm getting married today.
- Yes, you are.|
|01:31:40||That's why you need to focus
and do everything we say.|
|01:31:42||Because, frankly, you're wasting
a little bit of time right now.|
|01:31:46||You fucking asshole!|
|01:31:51||Oh, my skin burns. My skin burns.|
|01:31:52||Oh, ow! God.|
|01:31:54||- It's okay. It's not your fault, Doug.
- Don't touch me. Shut up.|
|01:31:58||All of you, shut up.|
|01:32:00||Just get me home.|
|01:32:03||Just get me home.|
|01:32:06||What about the one after that?|
|01:32:08||You cannot be serious.|
|01:32:12||Oh, goddamn it.|
- Every flight to L.A. Is booked.|
|01:32:16||- What about Burbank?
- Sold out.|
|01:32:17||Oh, fuck! We can't drive there, the
wedding starts in three and a half hours.|
|01:32:21||- Alan, where's the car?
It's on its way.|
|01:32:23||You know what?|
|01:32:25||We can drive there.
We can make it. Okay?|
|01:32:32||- Just give me one second.
We will leave without you.|
|01:32:38||- Is he missing a tooth?
|01:32:44||Hey, thanks for helping out last night.
That was so awesome.|
|01:32:50||Listen, Jade, I...|
|01:32:52||Look, you don't have to say it.
I totally understand.|
|01:32:55||- This whole thing was stupid.
|01:33:00||It was stupid, wasn't it?|
|01:33:08||- This is yours.
- Oh, thank you.|
|01:33:12||I can't believe I gave my grandmother's
Holocaust ring to someone I just met.|
|01:33:16||- What was I thinking?
- You were really fucked up.|
|01:33:21||- You did pull out your own tooth.
|01:33:25||I pulled out my tooth?|
|01:33:27||Why did I pull out my own tooth?|
|01:33:29||Alan bet you
that you weren't a good enough dentist...|
|01:33:32||...to pull out your own tooth.|
|01:33:38||- Of course he did.
- You won.|
|01:33:41||Yeah. Clearly. Yeah.|
|01:33:45||That's victory, right there.|
|01:33:47||It needs to go down.|
|01:33:49||- It's good. Get in.
- No. Safety first.|
|01:33:51||- Alan, it's fine. It's down.
- No, I gotta get it down first.|
|01:33:54||Jesus Christ. Look out.
- Don't mess the car up.|
|01:33:58||You're gonna mess the car up.|
|01:34:01||- Hey, what are you doing next weekend?
- I don't know. Working. Why?|
|01:34:04||I was thinking maybe I'd come back
and take you out to dinner.|
|01:34:08||Really? Like a date?|
|01:34:10||Yeah. Like a date.
Only, one that hopefully I'll remember.|
|01:34:21||- Stu. Come on.
- Stu. Come on.|
|01:34:25||I gotta go. Okay. Bye.|
|01:34:36||All right, here we go.|
|01:34:38||- All right, let's go.
|01:34:59||At least the trip
wasn't a total disaster.|
|01:35:02||- What makes you say that?
- When I woke up on the roof...|
|01:35:06||...I happened to find $80,000
worth of Bellagio chips in my pocket.|
|01:35:10||- Oh! Oh, my God!|
|01:35:12||Looks like we're going home
with some money, boys.|
|01:35:33||Here he comes. That's him.|
|01:35:37||- Hey, Neeco!
Hey. What's up, Alan?|
|01:35:43||- Whoa, look out.
- Oh, shit.|
|01:35:50||- Thanks, Neeco.
You got it, man.|
|01:35:52||Page me! Adiós.|
|01:35:54||Who the hell was that guy?
That's my buddy.|
|01:36:32||Hey. Sorry, MapQuest took us
on a really crazy route.|
|01:36:59||- How's my hair?
- It looks good.|
|01:37:01||- Is it cool like Phil's?
- It's classic Phil.|
|01:37:10||She looks beautiful, man.|
|01:37:18||Sorry I'm late.|
|01:37:28||Where were you?
And why are you so red?|
|01:37:32||Honey, it's a long story.|
|01:37:37||We are gathered here today...|
|01:37:39||...because of the strength of love
and of promises kept.|
|01:37:43||All I know is I am so sorry.|
|01:37:46||And I promise
for as long as we're married...|
|01:37:49||...to never, ever put you
through anything like this again.|
|01:37:54||Can you forgive me?|
- Hey, my man.|
but I'm expecting my husband any minute.|
|01:38:47||Oh, that's very funny. Come here.|
|01:38:50||How was your soccer game?|
|01:39:08||- Stu? You avoiding me?
- Hey. Melissa.|
|01:39:12||Oh, my God.
What happened to your tooth?|
|01:39:16||Have you met Alan? Tracy's brother.
Brother of the...|
|01:39:21||That is disgusting.
Why haven't you returned my calls?|
|01:39:25||Well, there was a snafu
when we stopped...|
|01:39:27||I called that bed and breakfast in Napa.|
|01:39:29||They said they had no record
of you even checking in.|
|01:39:33||That's because we didn't go to Napa.|
|01:39:35||- Stu. What the fuck is going on?
- We went to Las Vegas.|
|01:39:39||Oh, really? Las Vegas?
Why would you go to Las Vegas?|
|01:39:42||My friend was getting married.
That's what guys do.|
|01:39:45||- Okay, that's not what you do.
|01:39:47||Well, then why did I do it, huh?
Because I did it. Riddle me that.|
|01:39:51||Why'd I do it?|
|01:39:53||All you want me to do
is what you want me to do.|
|01:39:55||I'm sick of doing what you want.|
|01:39:57||In a healthy relationship,
a guy should be able to do what he wants.|
|01:40:01||- That is not how this works!
|01:40:04||Because whatever this is
ain't working for me!|
|01:40:07||Oh, really? Yeah.|
|01:40:10||Since you fucked that waiter
on your cruise last June. Boom!|
|01:40:17||- You told me it was a bartender.
- Oh, you're right. I stand corrected.|
|01:40:21||It was a bartender.
You fucked a bartender.|
|01:40:25||You're an idiot.|
|01:40:29||You're such a bad person.|
|01:40:31||Like, all the way through to your core.|
|01:40:35||Alan, shall we dance?|
|01:40:39||Let's do this.|
|01:40:49||- It was a real pleasure meeting you.
- Fuck off.|
|01:40:52||- I'm getting my bartender's license.
- Suck my dick.|
|01:40:56||No, thank you.|
|01:41:08||You guys are awe...|
- There he is.|
|01:41:12||- You wanted to see me?
|01:41:16||- Congratulations, buddy.
- Congratulations to you.|
|01:41:19||- You had us worried there for a second.
|01:41:22||How was Vegas?|
|01:41:23||It was... Ahem. It was crazy.|
|01:41:32||- Enjoy the car?
|01:41:35||- Remember to put Armor All on the tires?
- Mm-hm. Mm-hm.|
|01:41:43||Let me ask you a question.|
|01:41:49||How can a cake cost $1400?|
|01:41:54||- Highway robbery.
- It's criminal.|
|01:41:58||Sid, ahem, about the car...|
|01:42:07||Tracy told you. I told her not to tell you.
I wanted to tell you.|
|01:42:14||- Tell me what?
- Careful, Doug. These women...|
|01:42:18||...can't be trusted.|
|01:42:21||- Tell me what, Sid?
- The Mercedes.|
|01:42:24||It is a wedding gift from Linda and I.|
|01:42:28||- Are you serious?
- What do you think?|
|01:42:40||That is awesome.|
|01:42:44||Thank you. Oh.|
|01:42:48||Thanks, Daddy. Thanks, Sid.|
|01:42:50||Close the door.
- You're awesome.|
|01:42:53||You are awesome.|
|01:43:08||...I gotta tell you, man,
this was a gorgeous wedding.|
|01:43:10||- I give it six months.
- You're a dick.|
|01:43:14||I don't know what to say.
Thanks for the bachelor party, I guess?|
|01:43:19||Yeah. I just wish
we could actually remember some of it.|
|01:43:24||- Hey, guys? Look what I found.
- Whoa, that's my camera.|
|01:43:27||- It was in the back seat of the car.
- Oh, Go... Are there photos on it?|
|01:43:31||Yeah. Some of it's even worse
than we thought.|
|01:43:33||- No fucking way. Give me that.
- Wa... Wa... Wait.|
|01:43:35||Wait, wait, wait.|
|01:43:40||We look at these pictures together, okay?
|01:43:45||- And then we delete the evidence.
- I say we delete it right now.|
|01:43:50||Are you nuts? I wanna find out
how I wound up in the hospital.|
|01:43:53||- Yeah, it's in there.
- Guys, one time.|
|01:44:05||Oh, dear Lord!|