Forgetting Sarah Marshall

00:00:42Good for you, Pete. Good for you.
00:01:20Access Hollywood spotlight
00:01:22on sexy crime fighter Sarah Marshall.
00:01:25Hi, everybody, welcome to Access Hollywood. I'm Billy Bush.
00:01:27Each week, millions of viewers love to watch
00:01:30Ms Marshall's brainy sexpot character, Maddy Stark,
00:01:33alongside Billy Baldwin's dark and brooding,
00:01:36hard-to-love lead detective, Hunter Rush.
00:01:38- And this isn't your jurisdiction. - I just made it my jurisdiction.
00:01:43Can you say "catfight"?
00:01:47Off-screen, Sarah cosies up
00:01:49to her successful composer boyfriend, Peter Bretter.
00:01:51He's no household name,
00:01:53yet Bretter's dark and ominous score has set the tone for this gruesome juggernaut.
00:01:58Take a look.
00:02:03What do you think?
00:02:06I think it's gonna be hard for her to re-enter the pageant
00:02:10without a face.
00:02:17Looks like the sky's the limit for this adorable couple.
00:02:20Anything could happen.
00:02:25 We got to do something We got to do something
00:02:31Before Mother Earth gets any more hurt
00:02:34We got to do something
00:02:36We leave you tonight with the newest smash single from Infant Sorrow.
00:02:40Lead singer and notorious lothario, Aldous Snow, begs us to change
00:02:45in his environmental anthem, We've Got to Do Something.
00:02:48I hope, for once, we all hear the message. Good night.
00:02:52Mr Prime Minister and Mr President You better see that it's not only me
00:02:57No, a mob is rising in size And they've been dying to scream
00:03:04Hey, baby.
00:03:07Just working.
00:03:10Salad.
00:03:12Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally.
00:03:16I didn't realise that you were gonna be back so early.
00:03:18Great. I'll see you in a bit.
00:03:22Okay, bye.
00:03:25It's time to do something
00:03:27Someone should do something We got to do something
00:03:34And that someone is you and you And you and you
00:03:39I pray it ain't all lost and gone
00:03:44I pray we might learn right from wrong
00:03:50And I pray this broken day will not last too long
00:04:04Hey, you got here fast. I got a surprise for you.
00:04:13Peter, as you know,
00:04:16I love you very much.
00:04:23Are you breaking up with me?
00:04:31- Pete, are you... - I just need a minute.
00:04:37Okay.
00:04:58Please don't go.
00:04:59Why don't you just put on some clothes, and we can sit down and discuss this.
00:05:02No. I can't do anything right now.
00:05:03I'm so sorry, Pete.
00:05:06I'm in love with you.
00:05:07Why don't you just put some clothes on, okay?
00:05:09I'm not going to go put clothes on.
00:05:11I know what that means, if I put clothes on, it's over. Okay?
00:05:17Excuse me.
00:05:25Let's talk. Let's talk about him.
00:05:30I feel...
00:05:33I've been feeling
00:05:36for a long time that we've been growing apart.
00:05:41We're leading different lives.
00:05:45Who's the dude?
00:05:48- Who's the dude? - What?
00:05:49No, that's not what this is about. There's no one else.
00:05:54I know what's happening here. I really do.
00:05:56You've been working so much lately, that we haven't got to spend much time together,
00:05:59and you're forgetting what it's like to be with me.
00:06:01But maybe, if we just held each other or something,
00:06:03you would remember what it's like to be with me.
00:06:05- No. - Just hold me.
00:06:11Please. Here we go.
00:06:21There's someone else.
00:06:25I'm sorry.
00:06:44We don't hang out in places like this, Liz and I.
00:06:48Why did you take me here? This place smells like stripper's perfume.
00:06:52I'm gonna get herpes just from sitting on this couch.
00:06:56- Sure you okay, bro? Yeah? - Yeah.
00:06:59Yeah. You don't have to keep asking me. I'm good.
00:07:02- You're out! - Thank you so much for this opportunity.
00:07:04- Auf Wiedersehen! - Auf Wiedersehen!
00:07:08MAN ON T. V..: Thank you. Thank you all.
00:07:10 Auf Wiedersehen!
00:07:13I feel really good. I feel happy.
00:07:15Maybe you should work on the Dracula musical.
00:07:18Look, you've been working on it for a while. It'll help your mind. Be creative.
00:07:21- Think about you. - I think I need to fuck somebody.
00:07:23Whoa, whoa, whoa!
00:07:24You're not my stepbrother any more. You're a step-stranger.
00:07:28- Why you talking like that? - Brian!
00:07:29You don't need to put your P in a V right now.
00:07:31No, I don't. I need to B my L on somebody's T's.
00:07:36That's disgusting. You don't need to be doing that.
00:07:38And if anything, you should leave your P in the V
00:07:41and blow it inside the V, so you can have a B-A-B-Y
00:07:45and be a normal person.
00:07:46I'm leaving, man. I'm out of here.
00:07:48She's fucking somebody. Okay, Bri? It's all I can think about,
00:07:52is that she's out there,
00:07:53and until I do the same thing, I'm gonna feel like I wanna die.
00:07:56So just talk to girls with me tonight, all right?
00:08:00All right. All right, I'll help you out. I'll talk to girls with you.
00:08:06So, Peter, what do you do?
00:08:08Musician.
00:08:09He's being modest. He works on a show called Crime Scene.
00:08:14Oh, my God!
00:08:16- It is what it is, you know? - No, I love that show.
00:08:19Wait, Crime Scene: Scene of the Crime or Crime Scene: Phoenix?
00:08:22- Scene of the Crime. - Oh, my God! I love that show.
00:08:27I find you both very sexually attractive.
00:08:32Let's pump the brakes. Okay?
00:08:35I think that having sex with either of you
00:08:37would be a great treat for me.
00:08:40You are so funny.
00:08:43I just got out of a five-and-a-half-year relationship,
00:08:46so I'm not looking for anything serious.
00:08:49- Just sexual activity. - Let's wrap it up, buddy.
00:08:53You wanna come home?
00:08:57I'm sorry, you're cracking me up.
00:09:00- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
00:09:01Do you wanna come home?
00:09:04Stop it, seriously.
00:09:12- That was fun. - Yeah, yeah.
00:09:16Overall, I think that went really well. Yeah.
00:09:28I want to have sex with you!
00:09:39- Are you crying? - What? No.
00:09:43I'm sorry that I'm being so weird now.
00:09:46No, that's okay.
00:09:49You've been weird
00:09:51pretty much the whole time, so it's not unusual. Okay.
00:09:57Last night, like some sort of idiot, I had sex with this woman who I barely even know.
00:10:03I used a condom, but
00:10:06I'm really scared that I have an STD, Doc.
00:10:09Peter, I'm a paediatrician. Have you noticed you're sitting on a fire truck?
00:10:13- Right. - Little kids running?
00:10:15- Yeah, this is new. I like it. - I'm kind of backed up...
00:10:19Could you take a look at my penis?
00:10:24Go ahead. Let me see it.
00:10:26- Sorry. - That's all right. Take it out.
00:10:30Good.
00:10:31- You barely looked at it. - It's a good-looking dick, Peter.
00:10:34- Beautiful dick. - Do you think maybe while I'm here,
00:10:36- I could get some blood work? - Peter!
00:10:38Your girlfriend dumped you, right? Are you hurting? Are you hurt?
00:10:42Stop it. Stop crying. Use your dick. Keep fucking. Fuck everything that moves.
00:10:46Just wear a condom.
00:10:47Listen, I'm backed up, I got a lot of kids. I gotta go, okay?
00:10:51You want something? You want a balloon? You want a lolly?
00:11:05I just came!
00:11:22Hi.
00:11:26Hi.
00:11:28- Hi. - Hi.
00:11:30Hi.
00:11:35- Hi. - Hi.
00:11:37Okay, do you mind not saying that over and over again?
00:11:44You can gag me.
00:11:49- You brought a gag? - And handcuffs.
00:11:54Do you wanna gag me?
00:11:56Kind of, now.
00:12:04What've we got today?
00:12:06Just a walk and talk at the lab.
00:12:10That's what 20 years on Vice will do to you.
00:12:14What've we got here?
00:12:16The victim's penis was found behind the AC unit.
00:12:19Ouch!
00:12:21Can you say "dicksicle"?
00:12:26Let's do this.
00:12:29Okay, I'm ready.
00:12:32The victim's penis was found behind the AC unit.
00:12:39Just go with the usual stuff, maybe. Something dark and ominous.
00:12:42Like losing your penis is a bad thing.
00:12:47Oh, you want dark and ominous.
00:12:50Come on, I got Allman Brother tickets, I gotta get out of here!
00:12:55That's what 20 years on Vice will do to you.
00:12:59What've we got here?
00:13:01Peter! Peter, Jesus Christ!
00:13:03You're fucking Billy Baldwin, aren't you?
00:13:07- Aren't you? - Pete, Pete, Pete.
00:13:09- Stop staring at me. - Pete!
00:13:13You know you're not getting paid for today's session, right?
00:13:16- I'm aware of that. - Fucking asshole.
00:13:20Peter, it's Brian.
00:13:23Go away.
00:13:25Listen, your landlord called me.
00:13:28Said there's smoke coming out of your place.
00:13:29Who, Mr Lopez? 'Cause he's a liar!
00:13:33He doesn't...
00:13:34We worry about you, Petey.
00:13:36Yeah, come on, Peter. Open up the door.
00:13:39The fire marshal's gonna come in and bust it down.
00:13:48You haven't been out of the house in two weeks.
00:13:50Why are you so damn strong?
00:13:51I feel so strong!
00:13:54Hey, don't walk away from me. You come close.
00:13:59Your place is disgusting, Peter.
00:14:01Hey, don't walk away from me.
00:14:02Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey!
00:14:05What are you burning, man? Come on.
00:14:07It's everything.
00:14:08It's everything that reminds me of her and I need it gone!
00:14:11Okay, I thought I was fine, Brian, and I'm not. I'm not fine at all.
00:14:15Okay, let's just put the picture down.
00:14:18Put that down. Let's discuss this.
00:14:21- I love her, man. - I know.
00:14:24Look, Liz and I, we think the world of Sarah.
00:14:30We think she's great.
00:14:32Okay, but everything...
00:14:34I'm just being honest here.
00:14:36Every time she would come over to our house,
00:14:41she always acted,
00:14:43you know, like a little bitch!
00:14:48Okay, okay, pump the brakes.
00:14:50Dating Sarah is not like dating Liz. Okay?
00:14:53Sarah is better than Liz.
00:14:55You really wanna have this conversation?
00:14:59Do you really wanna have this conversation?
00:15:03Yes.
00:15:04- She is the mother of my unborn child. - Sorry.
00:15:06You're my stepbrother. We're not even blood.
00:15:09I have no qualms with sticking you. I will equalize you.
00:15:12- Sorry. - You dick!
00:15:14I'm just worked up.
00:15:16You gotta get your shit together, man.
00:15:19I'm trying to. It's so hard here.
00:15:23Brian, everywhere I look, I'm reminded of her, okay?
00:15:24Like, she got me this,
00:15:28okay, because I would always leave my cereal boxes open,
00:15:31and the cereal would get stale,
00:15:33and so one day I came home, and she had this waiting for me,
00:15:35because it keeps my cereal fresh. And now I have the freshest cereal.
00:15:43Why don't you, you know what, go on a vacation?
00:15:45Go to the Alps.
00:15:47- Alps? - Go to Gstaad. It's the best.
00:15:50I could go to Hawaii.
00:15:51Sarah was always talking about this place in Hawaii that was supposed to be nice.
00:15:54No, don't. I wouldn't go there.
00:15:56What, I can't go to Hawaii now, because Sarah Marshall has heard of Hawaii?
00:15:59Then go to Hawaii. Go to Hawaii.
00:16:02Do it.
00:16:09No, no, no, don't destroy the computer.
00:16:11I'm just deleting these pictures.
00:16:13Okay, I need them off my computer.
00:16:17You know what? You're not even doing a proper permanent delete.
00:16:20Well...
00:16:21If we end up getting back together, I wanna have a few of them left.
00:16:24You're crazy.
00:16:27- No, no, please don't delete them. - They have to go. Done, done.
00:16:43That was hilarious. Aloha!
00:16:46I'm Sarah Marshall from Crime Scene: Scene of the crime.
00:16:49And when I'm not scrubbing for evidence, I'm flying Hawaiian Airlines...
00:16:52Excuse me! Hi.
00:16:53... to my favourite destinations. Mahalo.
00:16:54Hi, can I have another bloody mary, please?
00:16:57You're still working on that one.
00:16:59It's just an anticipatory order.
00:17:02Okay, I'll be right back!
00:17:16What do you think caused such excessive bleeding?
00:17:18He was either stabbed in the aorta or it was his time of the month.
00:17:34Aloha!
00:17:36Check in this way.
00:17:49- Just married? - Yes, how did you guess?
00:17:52Oh, you've got that magic newlywed dust all over you.
00:17:57- Oh, my wife. - Oh, my husband.
00:17:59- Oh, my wife. - My husband.
00:18:01My old ball and chain.
00:18:07You quit squirming and come here.
00:18:11What is into you?
00:18:13Not me, yet.
00:18:15Here is your room key. So you're all set. Room 222.
00:18:19Room key's inside, and the elevators are to the right.
00:18:22Mahalo.
00:18:23Congratulations.
00:18:27Here you go, sir. Have some POG juice.
00:18:29Welcome to Turtle Bay. What can I do for you?
00:18:31I'm checking in. My name's Bretter, Peter Bretter,
00:18:33but actually, I don't have a reservation.
00:18:36I just thought I'd take my chances.
00:18:40Bold!
00:18:42We are all booked up, but we do have the Kapua suite available.
00:18:46- Okay. How much is that? - $6,000 a night.
00:18:50- Wow. - Beautiful views.
00:18:52I can imagine. That's a little bit out of my price range.
00:18:54Sorry.
00:18:56That's a shame. This is a beautiful
00:19:00hotel.
00:19:02Oh, yeah, it's Sarah Marshall from Crime Scene.
00:19:06People are excited that she's here.
00:19:09She's my ex-girlfriend. We broke up three weeks ago.
00:19:13- I'm sorry, sir. - Right. This is fine, right?
00:19:15- Sir? - It's totally fine. Okay, there she is.
00:19:20- Did she see me? Is she coming over here? - Uh-huh. Yup.
00:19:23I wish I wasn't wearing this fucking shirt.
00:19:25Fair enough. Why don't you try to unbutton it?
00:19:30Button it back up.
00:19:33- Peter! - Hey.
00:19:35- Hi. - What are you doing here?
00:19:38Came here to murder you.
00:19:40Really, what are you doing here?
00:19:43I have been having a tough time, you know, back in LA.
00:19:47But then I came here, and here you are.
00:19:50I just think that's too crazy to be...
00:19:53Hello there, you little sex object.
00:19:55I've lost a shoe. Have you seen it anywhere?
00:19:58It's like this one, but, you know, obviously it's the opposite one.
00:20:04Excuse me, missus, I've lost a shoe. Like this one. It's like this one's fellow.
00:20:09- Sort of the exact opposite, in fact, of that. Uh-huh.
00:20:12Not an evil version, but just, you know,
00:20:15a shoe like this, but for the other foot. Otherwise, I'd have two right...
00:20:19Aldous, this is Peter.
00:20:21Hey, all right, Peter. Nice to meet you, mate. Aldous.
00:20:26- Good to meet you, man. - My ex-boyfriend.
00:20:28Right. Hey, I'm Aldous Snow.
00:20:30I know who you are. Yeah, you're very, very famous.
00:20:33Yeah, I am. I am for my sins.
00:20:35So are you staying here, as well?
00:20:37- I'm not, as a matter of fact... - I'm sorry.
00:20:39Excuse me, Mr Bretter, Ms Marshall,
00:20:41but we were able to book the Kapua suite for you, sir, for four nights.
00:20:48- You were? - Yes, sir.
00:20:52- Marvellous. - Perfect. Perfect amount of time.
00:20:54Listen, if you wanna have dinner with us one of those nights...
00:20:57- Aldous. ... feel very...
00:20:58No.
00:21:00That's very gentlemanly of you, but you two enjoy your trip.
00:21:02I'll be just fine on my own.
00:21:04- All right, Peter. - The Kapua suite...
00:21:07- Have a good trip, Pete. - I like your shirt. It's colourful.
00:21:11- Bye. - Bye now.
00:21:13Ta-ta. I was wearing two shoes this morning, right?
00:21:20Thank you. Thank you for bailing me out. I still can't afford that room.
00:21:25Nobody can. It's for, like, Oprah or, like, Céline Dion.
00:21:27Really, it's not a big deal.
00:21:29So you can stay in the suite, but since you're not technically a guest,
00:21:31you have to clean up after yourself.
00:21:34Otherwise, here is your room key
00:21:37and enjoy your stay.
00:21:40Why are you doing this for me?
00:21:44She's here with some guy already? Kind of messed up.
00:21:48- Right? - Yeah.
00:21:51- Thank you. - Really, it's not a big deal.
00:21:53Go enjoy yourself.
00:21:54Rachel Jansen. A thousand times, thank you,
00:21:57- you know what I mean... - Go enjoy yourself.
00:21:59- This is a disaster! Calm down, man.
00:22:03Are there other hotels on the island?
00:22:04Of course there are other hotels,
00:22:05but I'm not leaving here, it'll look like I'm running away.
00:22:08Wait. Why are you whispering? You're not following them, are you?
00:22:11I had a girlfriend, right?
00:22:12And Liam and Noel Gallagher both had it off with her right in front of me,
00:22:16so that's similar.
00:22:18And that was a bit awkward, actually.
00:22:20So if you do wanna change hotels, I quite understand.
00:22:23No, no, I'm not changing hotels.
00:22:25Stop following and just go back to your room, Peter.
00:22:27- They're gone! - Why are you looking for them?
00:22:30- I don't know. - You're acting like an idiot.
00:22:32Run! Get out of there! Go to your room!
00:22:34- What do you think they're doing? - Peter, go.
00:22:36Oh, God! Okay, there they are.
00:22:38- There they are, I see them. - Go back to your room, Peter.
00:22:40Peter, go back to your room. Go back to your room, Peter.
00:22:41I'm going in.
00:22:42Go back to your room, Peter. Are you listening to me?
00:22:44Peter, go back to your room. Peter, Peter, Peter...
00:22:47Hey!
00:22:49Hey, nice room.
00:22:51Go!
00:22:53I am in the Kapua suite.
00:22:55What are you doing? Sucker!
00:22:58Have fun.
00:23:01Listen, you piece of shit!
00:23:04You're an idiot. Back to your room, Peter. Peter, back to your room.
00:23:10Did you enjoy that?
00:23:12- Did you like what you saw? - That hurt a lot.
00:23:14But I know Sarah, and I'm pretty sure I just ruined her day.
00:23:33You know how we thought the killer masturbated
00:23:35before he committed each homicide?
00:23:37That's the theory.
00:23:39Take a look at the microscope.
00:23:44Oh, yeah, looks like where he's going,
00:23:48he'll need to know how to masturbate.
00:24:02Oh, God!
00:24:08- Hello. Hey, Peter?
00:24:11- Sarah? - No.
00:24:14It's Rachel Jansen, from the front desk.
00:24:19- Hey! - Hey, what's going on up there?
00:24:22I'm getting complaints about a woman crying hysterically.
00:24:25Yeah, you know what, I hear her, too,
00:24:28and it sounds like she's having such a hard time.
00:24:32I think it's coming from the floor above me.
00:24:34You're on the top floor.
00:24:38I'll try to keep it down.
00:24:41- Are you okay? - Yeah, you have a nice night.
00:24:43Okay.
00:24:59I would love to sell you some weed, Jeremy, but I'm at my fucking job right now.
00:25:04Obviously, because you called me at work, you know that I'm at my place of work.
00:25:08So I can't just leave here and sell you some weed.
00:25:10I can sell you some weed when I'm done.
00:25:12Hold on, I gotta call you back. Mahalo, all right.
00:25:16- Hey, how's it going? - Hey.
00:25:18I'd just like to grab some dinner, please.
00:25:20- Okay, great. Is your wife gonna meet you? - No.
00:25:24Your girlfriend?
00:25:27No, I don't have a girlfriend.
00:25:31- You're just by yourself? - Yeah.
00:25:34Sucks.
00:25:36Okay, so just one. Here's your wine list and your menu. Come on.
00:25:39Do you want, like, a magazine or something?
00:25:41It's gonna be boring if you're just sitting by yourself.
00:25:43I'll be all right. Thank you.
00:25:44I just would be so depressed.
00:25:47- Yeah. - Here you go.
00:25:48Thank you.
00:25:50The best thing is, you have the greatest table in the house.
00:25:54- Oh, yeah? - That's Aldous Snow right there.
00:25:56I know. I know, dude. I know.
00:25:59- I'm gonna ask him. I'll ask him politely. - No, please don't, please.
00:26:02Mate!
00:26:04Why don't you come over and sit with us? You'll be very welcome.
00:26:07No, thank you. I need a drink.
00:26:11Would you guys like a drink?
00:26:13Well, no, actually, because...
00:26:16Seven years clean. That's what this tattoo denotes.
00:26:20Seven years free from drugs and alcohol.
00:26:22If I have just one sip of wine,
00:26:24by the end of the evening, I'll be, like, rimming waiters for their tips
00:26:28just to get me hands on a rock.
00:26:30You know what I mean? Nasty.
00:26:33I heard that. - Hey, what's up, man?
00:26:36How are you enjoying your vegetable medley?
00:26:38It's mundane.
00:26:40It is mundane. It's great, I know.
00:26:43Will you marry me?
00:26:45Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Yes!
00:26:47- She said yes! - Beautiful.
00:26:49Congratulations!
00:26:53I'm so excited! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
00:26:57Peter!
00:27:01What's up?
00:27:03- Are you doing okay? - Yeah.
00:27:05Yeah, I'm good.
00:27:08Look, did you follow me here? Did my assistant tell you I was coming?
00:27:12- No. - Did you talk to her?
00:27:14No, I didn't talk to your assistant. It's not all about you, you know.
00:27:18Hawaii is a beautiful place. People come here, usually not to follow you.
00:27:23So you're really staying? You're gonna stay?
00:27:26Yeah, I think so. I really like it here. I feel at home here.
00:27:30I just love it.
00:27:33Yeah, you should stay.
00:27:34I appreciate your consideration.
00:27:37Sounds like Aldous probably shared a lot of needles,
00:27:40so thank you for dating him after me.
00:27:42- I appreciate that. - Hmm.
00:27:45- Hope you have a really good time here. - Have a great dinner.
00:27:49Thank you.
00:27:52Groupie whore.
00:27:54Psycho stalker.
00:27:56You know what? It's vacation. I think I'll just take a pińa colada, please.
00:28:08Look at this guy.
00:28:10Look at this guy.
00:28:15Not us, buddy. Right? Not us.
00:28:18I'm on Sex and the City. What's up, Miranda?
00:28:23I'm Samantha. I have sex with everyone.
00:28:27Maybe it's a good thing that they're here.
00:28:29You know what I mean? Maybe this is a challenge from God
00:28:32for me to forget her. You know?
00:28:34Or maybe it's a sign from God that you should be with her.
00:28:39I love her show.
00:28:41When they mix the sexuality and the violence, I like it.
00:28:45What the hell is wrong with you two? You gotta move on.
00:28:47I hear you say that, but it's not that easy.
00:28:50It's that easy. Promise you it is.
00:28:52I lived in South Central.
00:28:54South Central. And I hated it.
00:28:57That's why I moved to Oahu.
00:28:58Now I can name you over 200 different kinds of fish.
00:29:00- No, you can't. - Oh, yes, I can.
00:29:02- Do it. - Yeah, you cannot.
00:29:04G. Ghost pipefish, grill fish, goaler fish grouper fish, greenback...
00:29:09What's the state fish of Hawaii?
00:29:11Humuhumunukunukuapua'a.
00:29:12- Yeah, bitch. - Hey.
00:29:15- You ready? - Yeah, just gonna close up.
00:29:20Hello, Mr Bretter, Mr Brayden. Where's your wife, sir?
00:29:25She is in bed.
00:29:27How are things going with the lady?
00:29:29Not awesome. She's complicated, like The Da Vinci Code,
00:29:34you know, but harder to crack.
00:29:38But life is full of lessons. You learn something new every day.
00:29:44Wonder what I'm going to learn tomorrow.
00:29:48Well.
00:29:50- Good night, sir. - Good night.
00:29:51Good night, sir.
00:29:52Off to find the mythical clitoris.
00:29:56So, Peter, were you able to get that crying lady out of your room?
00:30:03'Cause I could send someone up, if you want.
00:30:05- Oh, you could? - Yeah.
00:30:07That's very funny. It is.
00:30:11Well, listen, Sarah Marshall Show sucks. Who cares?
00:30:15I do the music for that programme.
00:30:19Did I mention that the music rocks?
00:30:23That's very sweet of you. That's very sweet of you to say.
00:30:27You don't have to say that, though. It's not music.
00:30:29There's no melody, it's just tones.
00:30:32Just dark, ominous tones.
00:30:36"The masturbating dog killer is on the loose again.
00:30:39"He'll kill the owner, but at least the dogs are happy. "
00:30:49I'm no Aldous Snow, I guess, you know.
00:30:56 Time to start the music
00:30:59All gonna light the light
00:31:02Yeah, yeah, gonna get things started on The Muppet Show tonight
00:31:13- Whipped cream or berry? - Whipped cream.
00:31:18Here we are, sir. Have a wonderful breakfast.
00:31:21What a lovely table, so close to the buffet.
00:31:24I'm glad you like it. Mahalo.
00:31:30Good morning, sir. Can I start you with anything?
00:31:32Orange juice, coffee?
00:31:34What about, like, some pineapple juice with a little bit of rum on the side.
00:31:37Of course. I like your style. Cocktail guy.
00:31:41- Thank you. - You are welcome.
00:31:43We've already reserved the sea kayak for noon.
00:31:45Honey, I know that, but you know that I wanted to see...
00:31:48- Hey. Hello there, friend. - Hey.
00:31:52How are you guys? How was your evening?
00:31:54- Great. - Awesome.
00:31:56- I can't feel anything. - All right.
00:31:59- Does that feel good? - I still can't feel anything.
00:32:02Okay, 'cause it hurts me.
00:32:04- Would you do that for me? - Yeah.
00:32:08- Yeah. - No, no, no. No.
00:32:12God put our mouths on our head for a reason. No!
00:32:17- I'm going to the bathroom. - Okay.
00:32:21- Is everything okay with... - Waffles.
00:32:29- Here you go, sir. Breakfast of champions. - Oh, thank you.
00:32:33And don't tell anybody, but... A little extra love for you.
00:32:39Thank you.
00:32:40- Take it easy. - You, too.
00:32:55- Hi. - Hi.
00:32:57This is the yoga place, yeah?
00:32:59Yes. But there's no alcohol allowed in the studio.
00:33:03Oh, no, I mean, obviously. This is just pineapple juice.
00:33:08Well, there's no outside drinks allowed in the studio.
00:33:13- Can I set it down? - Sure.
00:33:14- Cool, thank you. - I like your hat.
00:33:16- Thank you. - Please remove it before class.
00:33:22Hey, everyone, why don't you all grab your mats?
00:33:27Sorry, I recognise you from the cover of Namaste Magazine. I'm a huge fan.
00:33:32Thank you. That's so sweet of you to say.
00:33:34I appreciate that. Obviously, I don't do yoga for recognition.
00:33:38Right, of course you wouldn't. Then stop being so good at it.
00:33:44That's very flexible. That's nice.
00:33:49- And, you, I recognise you from your show. - Thank you.
00:33:52You seem much taller on your show.
00:33:55- I'm not. - No, I know.
00:34:00Okay, if you just wanna start by bringing your palms into your chest.
00:34:03Today we're gonna start with the Surya Namaskar, or Sun Salutation.
00:34:07Let's take a deep inale in.
00:34:10Exhale and release the hands.
00:34:12Inale, arms up to the sky. Continue.
00:34:16Good, exhale and folding forward.
00:34:19Strong, strong backs. Good, excellent.
00:34:24Remember this is not a competition,
00:34:26although you two seem to be the best in the class.
00:34:28Excellent. Perfect form, you two, perfect.
00:34:31Coming up into downward-facing dog.
00:34:34Good. It's really important in this pose,
00:34:36that you arch your back and keep it flat at the same time.
00:34:40I feel like those are opposing ideas.
00:34:43No, they're not, 'cause you're arching your back up while it's flat.
00:34:47Okay.
00:34:50Good, yeah, sweat it out. Sweat out all the toxins from this morning.
00:34:55- Come on, lady. - My name is Prana,
00:34:57and I know that wasn't just juice.
00:35:00You don't really need any adjusting, so I'm just gonna do this for myself.
00:35:05Just to learn from your body,
00:35:07memorize your body.
00:35:10- Good. Strong legs. - Come on.
00:35:13Perfect skin and form.
00:35:16Okay, class, I'd like to now move into a tripod headstand.
00:35:19This is more of an advanced pose,
00:35:21so if you don't feel comfortable or strong enough,
00:35:24please feel free to just lay on your mat in child's pose.
00:35:28I got it.
00:35:29All right, so let's all come down to our mats.
00:35:33Get in a prep position for the tripod headstand.
00:35:36If you don't feel comfortable,
00:35:37there's no shame in just laying on your mat in child's pose.
00:35:40Lady, I got it.
00:35:42Good, so let's prep to come up. Good.
00:35:46Sir, if you just want to lay down in child's pose.
00:35:49Now, you all heard me say,
00:35:51"If you want to be in child's pose, that's okay. "
00:35:54- Just in case he gets hurt. - Bring it, bring it.
00:35:56I don't want you to break your neck.
00:35:58- What's up? - Just relax.
00:36:00My legs, that's what.
00:36:02We're doing quiet headstands today.
00:36:04I'm doing a handstand, motherfucker! I'm doing a handstand.
00:36:07Okay, you know, why don't we just release.
00:36:09Thank God.
00:36:11Good, everybody. Good.
00:36:18Hey.
00:36:19Are you Chuck?
00:36:21Oh, man, you know, they won't change that flyer.
00:36:24That's my mainland name. My Hawaiian name is Koonu.
00:36:28Cool, sorry.
00:36:29No, it's all good.
00:36:31Does Koonu have some, like, cool Hawaiian meaning?
00:36:34It means Chuck.
00:36:36I plugged it into a database.
00:36:37There's a thing you can go on, on the Internet, you just type in your name,
00:36:41and it just says it.
00:36:44What's your name?
00:36:45- I'm Peter. - Peter.
00:36:46- Yeah. - I'm gonna give you a Hawaiian name.
00:36:48Oh, great.
00:36:53Pepiopi.
00:36:57- Great. - Pepiopi, looks like you've got a little pain
00:36:59behind those eyes.
00:37:02Yeah, maybe a little.
00:37:05There's really only one cure for that.
00:37:07What's that?
00:37:08Weed. You got any?
00:37:12- No. - Well, then let's go surfing.
00:37:18Okay, when we're out there, I want you to ignore your instincts.
00:37:21I'm gonna be your instincts. Koonu will be your instincts.
00:37:24Don't do anything.
00:37:26Don't try to surf, don't do it.
00:37:29The less you do, the more you do.
00:37:31Let's see you pop up. Pop it up!
00:37:38That's not it at all.
00:37:39Do less. Get down. Try less. Do it again.
00:37:43Pop up.
00:37:45No, too slow. Do less.
00:37:46Pop up.
00:37:48Pop up.
00:37:49You're doing too much. Do less. Pop down.
00:37:52Pop up now.
00:37:53Stop! Get down. Get down there.
00:37:55Remember, don't do anything.
00:37:57Nothing. Pop up.
00:38:02Well, you... No, you gotta do more than that,
00:38:03'cause you're just laying right out.
00:38:05It looks like you're boogie-boarding.
00:38:06Just do it. Feel it. Pop up.
00:38:09Yeah. That wasn't quite it, but we're gonna figure it out, out there.
00:38:12Let's go surfing, come on.
00:38:14Everybody's learning how, come on and...
00:38:16 The weather outside is weather
00:38:20How long you lived out here?
00:38:22Man, I don't know. I quit wearing a watch when I moved out here.
00:38:25- Wow, that's so cool. - Yeah.
00:38:27No, like my cell phone has a clock on it, so I don't really need it.
00:38:32Right, so it's basically the same thing.
00:38:35- How old are you? - I don't really believe in age or numbers,
00:38:38you know, I don't... I mean, if you had to put a number on it,
00:38:41I guess I'd be 44.
00:38:46Fuck!
00:38:48Thanks for taking me out here.
00:38:51This is the first time I've felt good in three weeks or so.
00:38:54You need to get back on that board is what you need to do.
00:38:57- Yeah? - Hey, here's the deal.
00:38:59When life gives you lemons,
00:39:01just say, "Fuck the lemons," and bail.
00:39:03Yeah. No. You said it, totally.
00:39:06You gotta just pull yourself up by your wetsuit,
00:39:08get back on that board...
00:39:09Hey, look, man, if you're attacked by a shark,
00:39:11are you gonna give up surfing?
00:39:12Probably, yeah.
00:39:14Let's go in, all right. Tacos are on me.
00:39:18Can you try to listen to what I'm saying to you, Brian?
00:39:20I'm confused and I don't know what to do.
00:39:23What's up with that hat?
00:39:24What are you in the Buena Vista Social Club?
00:39:27This is a nice hat.
00:39:28What member of the Brat Pack are you?
00:39:31You look like one of those guys suspected of killing JFK.
00:39:34That's very funny. That's great.
00:39:36Tell him to make friends.
00:39:39You need to get out there and make some friends, man.
00:39:41Is Liz there right now?
00:39:43No, no, she's not in here, buddy.
00:39:45I just heard her.
00:39:46She's gone.
00:39:48Who are you looking at?
00:39:50What?
00:39:52Is she still... Hi, Liz.
00:39:53No. I swear on my mother's grave, it... Okay, it was Liz.
00:39:58She wasn't here the entire time.
00:40:00Go out and meet people. We meet people all the time...
00:40:02- All the time on vacation. - Constantly.
00:40:03I've tried, all right, there's a couple of dudes here,
00:40:07but they're kind of weird.
00:40:09Just be friendly.
00:40:11Iron your shirt.
00:40:12Iron your shirt, look sharp.
00:40:14Even your T-shirts.
00:40:16There is this girl at the front desk who's pretty cute.
00:40:19Oh, yeah. You know what? Go have another dirty one night stand.
00:40:22That worked out so well before.
00:40:24What do you want from me? You just told me I need to meet people.
00:40:27Ask her out. Maybe that's what he needs, is a rebound.
00:40:30He's had plenty of chances for rebounds. This isn't...
00:40:32Can we get on the same team here?
00:40:33Okay, I'm sorry. We're on the same team. Sorry.
00:40:37You should go on a date with this girl.
00:40:39Well, maybe I'll ask her out then.
00:40:41- Yes. - My wife says so.
00:40:43- Hey, I'm in Hawaii, too! Oh, that's neat.
00:40:46Aloha, bitches!
00:40:49That's very cool.
00:40:54They're not Native Americans, Brian.
00:40:59- Bri... - What are you doing?
00:41:00- The luha. Is that right? - Oh, yeah.
00:41:02It's called the hula.
00:41:04- Luau? - No, hula.
00:41:05You're doing a luau?
00:41:21- Hey. - Hey.
00:41:22- Peter. - Wow.
00:41:25You look beautiful. I mean, that's a beautiful dress.
00:41:28- Thank you. - Yeah.
00:41:29This'll be fun.
00:41:31Lei?
00:41:37May I help you with something else, Peter?
00:41:40No, I'll just grab a drink. I'm just gonna head inside.
00:41:42- Happy 4th of July! - Thank you.
00:41:46Aloha!
00:42:01- You done here? - No, actually, I just sat down,
00:42:03I'm just getting started. It's delicious, though, thank you.
00:42:05I'll just go fuck myself.
00:42:07- Sorry, what? - Mahalo.
00:42:12Hi, Peter.
00:42:15Hey. Hey, bro.
00:42:19- Hi. - Hey, all right.
00:42:21Excuse me. Excuse me.
00:42:22Everybody, can I have your attention for one second, please.
00:42:26We have a very special guest with us here, today.
00:42:29He is the lead singer of the band, Infant Sorrow,
00:42:34one of my favourite musicians of all time. He's so awesome.
00:42:38Please, please, let's take...
00:42:41Let's see if we can get him up here, Mr Aldous Snow. Please, come on.
00:42:46Share your gift.
00:42:47Duty calls and all that.
00:42:49I'm trying to be incognito, it's weird. It's like work to me, this is no fun.
00:42:53Hey! Thank you!
00:43:03Thank you. What a lovely introduction.
00:43:06What an eccentric and confident young man.
00:43:08I'd like to dedicate this song to a very beautiful woman that's here today.
00:43:12It's Miss Sarah Marshall, there she is.
00:43:15Look at her, blimey!
00:43:25 Old as ancient skies
00:43:28I've had these wandering eyes
00:43:31but you took me by surprise
00:43:34when you let me inside you
00:43:38Inside you
00:43:40Inside you
00:43:43This went from 6:00 to midnight.
00:43:44Teach me how to grow while I'm moving inside of you
00:43:50Inside of you
00:43:53- Inside you - Inside you
00:43:57I long to be, is it wrong to be
00:44:00inside of you
00:44:03Inside of you the restless find their dreams
00:44:09Inside of you this king has found his queen
00:44:20Hey.
00:44:21You're from the breakfast buffet, right?
00:44:22- Yeah. - Whipped cream or berries?
00:44:23Yeah. Yeah, I'm Peter.
00:44:26- Kemo. - Kemo.
00:44:27- Good to meet you, man. - Good to meet, you, man.
00:44:30- Have a beer. - Thanks. Thank you.
00:44:34Sarah Marshall.
00:44:36Yes.
00:44:39How do you know I was dating Sarah Marshall?
00:44:41Dwayne told me. Chuck told me.
00:44:44Even Rachel told me.
00:44:46I heard about it from everybody. You gotta stop talking about it.
00:44:50It's like The Sopranos.
00:44:52It's over.
00:44:54Find a new show.
00:44:57You need a hug.
00:44:59Come here.
00:45:02Oh, thank you.
00:45:04You're awfully nice.
00:45:07I gotta go. I'm prepping the pig for tomorrow's luau.
00:45:10You should come and help me. It'll take your mind off of things.
00:45:13- Yeah? You don't mind? - No.
00:45:15I mean, I must say I'm a pretty good cook.
00:45:18All right!
00:45:23I can't! Please don't make me do this!
00:45:26Do it!
00:45:27I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
00:45:34You can stop crying now.
00:45:36He's dead already.
00:45:38I'm not crying.
00:45:40You should stop crying.
00:45:41I don't cry. I'm not a baby.
00:45:43Really? 'Cause you look like a gigantic baby.
00:45:46I'm sorry. I didn't mean that at all.
00:45:58Hey.
00:46:00Listen, would you like to hang out tonight, like, not in an official hotel function?
00:46:04Yeah. Totally.
00:46:06A bunch of us are going to go to this, like, little beach thing afterwards.
00:46:08You're totally welcome to come.
00:46:11Maybe we could go together?
00:46:13Yeah, whatever.
00:46:15I mean we don't have to, if you don't want to,
00:46:16I just thought that maybe...
00:46:17No, listen, you don't have to make this weird.
00:46:19You either want to go or you don't.
00:46:22- I would love to. - Okay.
00:46:25Awesome. Why don't you go upstairs, change that shirt,
00:46:27and I'll meet you out front in, like, five?
00:46:40- This is so cool. - You like it?
00:46:56So what brought you to Hawaii?
00:47:00- A dude. - Of course.
00:47:02A surfer dude. You know, WCT, top 44.
00:47:09Totally.
00:47:12We were together for two years.
00:47:15Dropped out of school, moved out here with him.
00:47:17Three weeks later, I caught him cheating on me,
00:47:20so I moved out, and that's that.
00:47:23What an asshole.
00:47:25No, he's just a boy.
00:47:30You ever think about going back home, finishing school, or...
00:47:35No.
00:47:37No. I work at the hotel,
00:47:40doesn't really have to be a future in there.
00:47:44Okay, my turn.
00:47:45Okay.
00:47:47So, how do you like writing music for a TV show?
00:47:55It's great, you know. People are great.
00:47:57It's great to have a steady paycheque. It's... I'm very lucky.
00:48:00Oh, my God, you hate it.
00:48:01I fucking hate it so much.
00:48:04So then, do something about it.
00:48:10Excuse me.
00:48:11I'm just saying, if you hate something, change it.
00:48:14- Don't dwell. - Well, I'm trying.
00:48:18I'm actually working on a rock opera.
00:48:22- Yeah? - Yeah.
00:48:25What's your rock opera about?
00:48:29Dracula.
00:48:32Yeah, and eternal love, you know. That's the theme.
00:48:35But I think the two sort of go hand in hand, you know?
00:48:39And I...
00:48:42I have this vision of doing it with puppets.
00:48:48I mean, humans also, you know.
00:48:52Why Dracula?
00:48:54Because he's a man like anyone else. He just wants to be loved.
00:48:58And every time he gets close to a human woman,
00:49:00he ends up smothering and killing her,
00:49:01which is a feeling I am familiar with.
00:49:04What? That's just a joke.
00:49:06- Oh, shit. - What?
00:49:09My ex. If I run, you run.
00:49:13- Do you understand? - No, I don't understand at all.
00:49:15Fucking motherfucker! Dipshit!
00:49:17Rachel, what are you doing?
00:49:18I thought I told you to stay back on your island.
00:49:20Take it easy, just take it easy.
00:49:21Yeah, you know what? The deal was over April 9.
00:49:22Well, the deal's back on, motherfucker.
00:49:25You ain't the chief in this village. I'm the chief.
00:49:27Of the idiots?
00:49:28Rachel, let me handle this. I know his friend. Let me handle this, okay?
00:49:31Go ahead.
00:49:33Hey, man, you remember me from breakfast?
00:49:35- Oh, yeah, the cocktail guy, that's right. - Yeah.
00:49:38This ain't the breakfast buffet. What, you with my girl?
00:49:41Keeping her warm for me at night, huh?
00:49:44Hey, what are you doing here?
00:49:50That's right. Just hit him!
00:49:51Rachel, we gotta get out of here. Rachel?
00:49:53You get what you deserve.
00:50:07Just a boy? No, that dude was a fucking man.
00:50:10No, no, no. He's an asshole. I can't believe I ever dated him.
00:50:15- You went nuts. - Yeah.
00:50:17You guys are dysfunctional.
00:50:21You were like one of those girls from Flavour of Love.
00:50:23- From what? - You were.
00:50:25"I'll kill you. I'll kill you. "
00:50:28Okay, I'm gonna go get us another round.
00:50:30I'll grab it. It's no big deal.
00:50:32You don't have to dote on me. I'm not that type of girl.
00:50:48You look so hot.
00:50:50Give me Crime Scene. Give me dirty Crime Scene girl.
00:50:52André the Giant, out of the shot, please.
00:50:55Mutombo, out of the shot, come on.
00:51:25Did you know that there's a picture of you flashing,
00:51:29hanging in the men's room?
00:51:30Yeah. I hate it so much.
00:51:33My jackass boyfriend made me do it.
00:51:36Keoki took it, right there.
00:51:38And I asked him to take it down,
00:51:41but he said that it would ruin the balance of the collage.
00:51:45Do you want me to try to get it down for you?
00:51:47No. No, no, no, he'll kill you. Like, really kill you.
00:51:53But I have a surprise for you.
00:51:55Really, what?
00:51:57We're gonna take a quick break.
00:51:58Tonight we have a special guest from the mainland,
00:52:00singing a song from his Dracula musical,
00:52:03please welcome to the stage, Mr Peter Bretter.
00:52:08Peter!
00:52:10Yeah! Go get them, tiger!
00:52:11Please don't.
00:52:14Peter!
00:52:15- Rachel... - Dracula! Peter!
00:52:23Get them!
00:52:24What's up?
00:52:32Thank you.
00:52:36You know, I could play something else.
00:52:38I just think out of context this might be...
00:52:39Dracula musical!
00:52:43Thank you.
00:53:05 It's getting kind of hard to believe things are going to get better
00:53:11I've been drowning too long to believe that the tide's going to turn
00:53:19And I've been living too hard to believe things are going to get easier now
00:53:26I'm still trying to shake off the pain from the lessons I've learned
00:53:33And if I see Van Helsing, I swear to the lord I will slay him
00:53:41Take it from me, but I swear I won't let it be so
00:53:47Blood will run down his face when he is decapitated
00:53:54His head on my mantle is how I will let this one know
00:53:59How much I love you
00:54:08Die
00:54:10Die
00:54:13Die
00:54:18I can't
00:54:31Awesome!
00:54:33Thank you.
00:54:38Thank you.
00:54:40So, I had a really, really great time tonight.
00:54:43- Yeah? - Yeah. I mean, it got a little wild.
00:54:45- "A little"? You can say that. - Yeah.
00:54:47But it was really fun, and you're so cool, and it was...
00:54:50Thank you for taking me out.
00:54:52No, I had a great time. Thank you.
00:54:55- You did? - Yeah.
00:55:01I'm sorry.
00:55:03I'm sorry, I just... I don't... I just don't wanna complicate things.
00:55:07- No, of course! - Yeah?
00:55:09No, no, no. Totally. I totally get that.
00:55:12- I had a great time. - A handshake?
00:55:14- Well, I don't know. Okay. - All right, all right.
00:55:18- All right. Get home safe. - You, too.
00:55:23- Thanks again. - Bye.
00:55:33 I'm on a hammock with me lady
00:55:36Watching the sea roll by
00:55:42Things have been great now
00:55:45'Cause we're in Hawaii
00:55:50Hey, guys.
00:55:52Hey, man. I'm Koonu.
00:55:55Yeah. No, I remember. I'm Peter. We took a surf lesson together.
00:55:59Yeah, you're that guy that works with Kaiser Permanente.
00:56:02No, I'm Peter. We had a nice talk out on the water.
00:56:06That's cool.
00:56:10Okay, can I just say something?
00:56:12- I went on a date tonight with Rachel, right? - That wasn't a date.
00:56:15She's in customer service, dude.
00:56:17She took you out for charity.
00:56:20It was a date, okay? Trust me. I know a date, and that was a date.
00:56:24I bet you think strippers like you, too.
00:56:25- That's really not necessary. - It's true.
00:56:28Don't waste your time, man. Believe me, it is a nowhere road. I know.
00:56:31Did you see her ex-boyfriend? He is ridiculous.
00:56:34Who, Greg? I love Greg, man.
00:56:37I saw him beat up a guy with a starfish.
00:56:40- Okay, that's just ridiculous. - That guy was me.
00:56:43Dude, my homie over here, on his honeymoon?
00:56:46Getting as much sex as he possibly can ever have.
00:56:48Are you giving to her hard and rough, dude?
00:56:50Come on.
00:56:53The wife wants me to do certain things that I find inappropriate.
00:56:59Let me just say that if God was a city planner,
00:57:02he would not put a playground next to a sewage system.
00:57:08We're trying to fuck, but we're not having fun fucking.
00:57:12We're just, like... I'm stabbing her private parts,
00:57:19and it's not fun, and it causes anxiety. Fucking is...
00:57:22And then when you're not fucking...
00:57:24- Hey, someone's gotta stop him. - You're the butt of a joke.
00:57:27Fucking this ring is...
00:57:30Fuck!
00:57:31It's gonna be all right.
00:57:35Hi.
00:57:38Hi, do you wanna come back to bed?
00:57:40Sure.
00:57:45Have fun.
00:57:47I like her hair. I wonder if the carpet matches her pubes.
00:58:00Julian, what's up?
00:58:04Oh.
00:58:06God.
00:58:17The show's been cancelled.
00:58:19That's good, 'cause that's what you wanted.
00:58:21Yeah. Yeah, it is.
00:58:25It's just... I guess I thought we had another year left.
00:58:30It seems like we did, and... This'll be good,
00:58:32'cause it's been a long-awaited transition into film for me.
00:58:36Don't get me wrong, but it's just... It's a surprise.
00:58:39Come on tour with me.
00:58:41I'll serenade you every night in front of thousands of women.
00:58:46I didn't know you were going on tour.
00:58:48Yeah, I'm going in two weeks.
00:58:49It's like an 18-month tour, 43 countries, Infant Sorrow,
00:58:53and it's gonna be a massive tour.
00:58:55Yeah. I can't come 'cause I have a job. I'm a working actress.
00:59:00Not any more.
00:59:02You're an unemployed actress, perfect.
00:59:05You could be the queen of the groupies, queen of the Sorrow Suckers.
00:59:10The Sorrow Suckers.
00:59:12Sorrow Suckers. I don't know why they call them that.
00:59:16Mr and Mrs Snow, sorry. Sorry to bother you.
00:59:20The hotel wanted to offer you some complimentary coconut cake.
00:59:22It's from the hotel. It's definitely not from me personally, so...
00:59:28- Yeah, thanks. - Okay, great.
00:59:30When were you planning on telling me this?
00:59:33- I just told you, then. - Yeah. No, I know.
00:59:37But telling me now isn't really the same as telling me.
00:59:42Well, look, you know, I've not told you I've got genital herpes,
00:59:45because it's not inflamed at the moment.
00:59:47Do you guys want some champagne with your cake,
00:59:49or do you want it without your cake?
00:59:51I don't drink.
01:00:00All right, so I came here to give you my demo. I just...
01:00:04I worship you, and I just wanted to give you my demo.
01:00:08Just take a listen and...
01:00:11Okay.
01:00:13'Cause you know what? You don't wanna be the guy sitting there,
01:00:16watching BBC, and saying,
01:00:18"Oh, I saw that guy! He was my waiter,
01:00:22"and I totally dismissed him like everyone else does in his life.
01:00:26"And I totally was wrong,
01:00:28"because he's a major, major, major influence on me now,
01:00:32"and I feel terrible!"
01:00:37That stupid English voice, was that me?
01:00:41Unfortunately, yes.
01:00:44You're really gonna like it.
01:00:47I'll listen to it when you've gone.
01:00:56Hey, look, just don't tell anyone at the hotel.
01:01:08- What's up, dude? - What's up?
01:01:10Peter, I got some really interesting news this morning.
01:01:15Aldous gave you gonorrhoea?
01:01:17No. Why would I tell you that?
01:01:20Crime Scene was cancelled.
01:01:23Whoa.
01:01:25Wow.
01:01:29- You all right? - Yeah. Yeah.
01:01:33I mean, I've been waiting to take the next step,
01:01:36you know, into features for a long time, so it's a really good thing.
01:01:39This isn't The View. I mean, we can have an honest talk about this if we want.
01:01:45I don't wanna step out of the spotlight and then be forgotten.
01:01:48I don't wanna disappear. I'm freaked out.
01:01:51I wanna be honest. I'm really freaked out right now, okay?
01:01:54Because, seemingly, the only actresses that actually can survive
01:01:58are the ones that show their cooter, and, excuse me, but I refuse to do that.
01:02:01I have a little dignity.
01:02:02And I don't have the frame to support plastic surgery. I would tip over.
01:02:05And I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna exploit myself.
01:02:08Listen, you're gonna be fine. You have a long career ahead of you.
01:02:12You've got, like, four years until you're 30.
01:02:16It's gonna be fine.
01:02:21- How are you? - I'm screwed.
01:02:24Frankly, I don't stand a chance. No, I'll be fine.
01:02:30I've been quietly stealing money from you for a long time.
01:02:35You're always good at cheering me up, Pete, thank you.
01:02:41 Die
01:02:44Die
01:02:46Die
01:02:50I can't
01:02:55It's really good, Peter. I just don't understand it. I don't.
01:02:59I mean, just chalk it up to that. Please don't play it again, 'cause I don't...
01:03:02Just listen to it one more time and see...
01:03:06Where's Aldous?
01:03:09- Mr Snow, may I ask you a question? - Okay.
01:03:12I want to please my wife here, on our honeymoon,
01:03:15but I don't know what I'm doing.
01:03:16You having difficulty sex-wise?
01:03:18- Do you not know how to use this? - I know how.
01:03:20- Have you had sex before? - We can't.
01:03:23- Why? - Our religion.
01:03:25Right, 'cause of God and everything?
01:03:26Hey, that's not gonna be a problem,
01:03:27because God should be present in the bedroom.
01:03:30Just tell me specifically what I need to do.
01:03:32You need to penetrate deeply and stimulate the clitoris simultaneously.
01:03:35That's what you gotta do. That's what it's about.
01:03:37If you can involve the anus in that, then that's absolute perfection.
01:03:40Got it.
01:03:41Explore her ears.
01:03:43Find it in you to be a little more circly.
01:03:47You are a man.
01:03:48God's within you.
01:03:49I actually feel okay about it.
01:03:51You know, I'm a little scared, but I'll be all right. I'll get another job.
01:03:53That's interesting, man. You know what else is interesting?
01:03:56- What? - Me on the moon.
01:03:59I just wanna talk to you about something. Can you stop?
01:04:01- All right, I'm just gonna talk, and then... - Air!
01:04:04There was this interesting moment with Sarah.
01:04:06Whoa, what? I don't wanna hear about your interesting moment with Sarah, Pete.
01:04:09Then who am I supposed to talk to about this?
01:04:11Well, not me, because have I ever had an interesting moment with an ex-girlfriend?
01:04:15- Do you have an ex-girlfriend? No! - No.
01:04:18LIZ: No.
01:04:20I would really love to get the woman's perspective on the matter.
01:04:23- Really? - No.
01:04:25But come on in and just sit down.
01:04:27- Stay. You have to... - Honey, no, no, the camera's right there.
01:04:29No, I know, but I just wanna tell him, though.
01:04:31- No, the camera... - Think about how much she's hurt you.
01:04:33- Hey, Liz? - Yeah?
01:04:35I think you need to move just a tiny bit further away from the microphone.
01:04:37- Just... - No, closer.
01:04:38- Now a little further. - Okay.
01:04:39- Closer. - And then...
01:04:40- And then a little further, and then closer. - I don't know.
01:04:43- Keep your head down, though. - I'm bad at this thing.
01:04:45- Can you hear me? - Yeah, closer. Further away.
01:04:46I know what you're doing. That's not funny at all.
01:04:49- You stop that. - What?
01:04:52- What's he doing? - Come on. Yeah, yeah, real funny.
01:04:55Hey, that's a great necklace, Liz.
01:04:57- Did you have that a second ago? - Thank you!
01:04:59That's gross!
01:05:01- LIZ: I don't get it. - Stop it.
01:05:02- He's saying if I were to sperm on you... - What?
01:05:06... it would be a pearl necklace. - Why?
01:05:09- Real funny. - Sorry.
01:05:13Hey, Dracula!
01:05:14"And when I see Van Helsing, I swear to the Lord, I'll slay him. "
01:05:21That shit is funny, dude!
01:05:23Hey, Pete.
01:05:25So I was gonna go over to Lazy Joe's later tonight,
01:05:27and I wanted to see if you wanted to come and join.
01:05:31I think I'm confused, because I thought last night...
01:05:34Oh, my God. Dude, get out of your head. It's really nice out here.
01:05:38Yeah, I bet it is.
01:05:41All right, yeah. You know what?
01:05:42I could totally use a friendly hangout, so...
01:05:43All right.
01:05:45I don't know if you want, instead of Lazy Joe's,
01:05:46I was thinking of going to Laie Point right now.
01:05:48- Really? - Yeah.
01:05:49I heard that place was a pain in the ass.
01:05:53Okay.
01:05:55- Hey! Yo, what's up, guys?
01:05:57We're just going for a hike.
01:05:58No, you're not, you're going snorkelling.
01:06:01I think we're gonna go on a hike.
01:06:02It is sea turtle fucking season, dude. Let's go.
01:06:05They fuck for three hours, dude. I mean, that's magical.
01:06:09- No, we're going on a hike. - I think we'll go on a hike, yeah.
01:06:11What? Your loss.
01:06:14Why won't anybody go snorkelling with me?
01:06:22How you doing back there?
01:06:25Awesome.
01:06:27I don't think I've ever been this covered in sweat before.
01:06:30It's like I have some sort of fever.
01:06:32I told you this was a pain in the ass. Could've been at Lazy Joe's.
01:06:36- Oh, yeah. - Uh-huh.
01:06:38Oh, shit.
01:06:40- You good? - No.
01:06:45Wow, we're really going up to the edge of this, huh?
01:06:47Look!
01:06:53Wow, this is really beautiful.
01:06:58All right, so now that your show's done, are you gonna finish the Dracula musical?
01:07:03It's not that easy, you know.
01:07:06Sarah always thought it was crazy, and...
01:07:09Well, you're definitely crazy. But so is everyone, right? So who cares?
01:07:14- I just don't feel like doing anything. - Why?
01:07:17'Cause my heart is broken,
01:07:19and I can't imagine doing anything right now.
01:07:21It's probably the same reason you don't go back to school, you know?
01:07:29Maybe it's good we got hurt like that, you know?
01:07:32I don't know about you, but it makes me feel impervious to pain.
01:07:37Yeah. Kind of like there's nothing left to be afraid of.
01:07:41- Yeah. No, exactly. - Right.
01:07:44We could leap off this rock, and it won't hurt us as bad as they did.
01:07:50So jump, then.
01:07:52No, I meant that, like, as a metaphor, you know?
01:07:54No. Just do it.
01:07:59You'll be fine. Jump.
01:08:08What the hell?
01:08:12Oh, God! Oh, God. I made her kill herself!
01:08:20You must be crazy!
01:08:22- So are you gonna jump or what? - No!
01:08:25Come on, Peter! I can see your vagina from here!
01:08:29I can see your hoo-ha.
01:08:32I mean, I'll jump!
01:08:34Chicken! Come on!
01:08:52Please, God, don't let me die today.
01:08:58- I'm okay! - Okay!
01:08:59- I'll just let go, right? - No, no, no!
01:09:02If you fall straight down, you'd probably hit a rock and kill yourself!
01:09:08- Totally. - Yeah.
01:09:10So what do I do?
01:09:11Why don't you press your feet up against the rock,
01:09:14and, like, shoot yourself off!
01:09:16- What, like a frog? - I don't know, Peter!
01:09:18Just get off the fucking rock!
01:09:20- Here I go! - Okay!
01:09:23One!
01:09:26Two!
01:09:28Two!
01:09:32- Two and a half! - Jump!
01:09:34Three!
01:09:49Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
01:09:53- You saw that, right? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, I saw it!
01:09:55I was there. I witnessed it.
01:09:57Thanks.
01:10:05Come on.
01:10:14You've got Christ between your thighs,
01:10:19but with a shorter beard.
01:10:21- Mahalo. - Aloha.
01:10:24- Sex! - I'm cramping, I'm cramping.
01:10:27- Okay. - Okay, okay.
01:10:31Petey? Petey?
01:10:37Sorry. I knocked a bunch.
01:10:40You were really out. Ken sent me.
01:10:43Dakota Fanning and her people, they need this room.
01:10:46She loves it here.
01:10:48Oh.
01:10:50So does that mean I have to leave the hotel?
01:10:52Ken found you a room.
01:10:55I'll take it, yeah. I wanna hang out with Rachel a little more.
01:11:00Are those sad tissues or happy tissues?
01:11:07Maybe you should just give me a minute.
01:11:13It was the only room available!
01:11:16I'm sure it was!
01:11:21- Hey, how's it going? - It's all right.
01:11:24Really?
01:11:25I think you got some pain behind those eyes. A kind of pain that only...
01:11:29Okay, you know what? Let's cut the bullshit.
01:11:30I wanna stand up on a wave before I leave.
01:11:33I don't think you're ready yet, man.
01:11:35- I'm ready to ride giants, Koonu. - I think you're ready.
01:12:01Petey!
01:12:07- Hi. - Hi.
01:12:08Miss Marshall, what can I do for you?
01:12:11Is there a place to get good sushi around here?
01:12:14Yeah. Yeah, there's a really great place about five minutes from here called Asuki.
01:12:18Perfect.
01:12:20- Do you want me to get you a map? - Please.
01:12:21Okay.
01:12:23So, this is where we are.
01:12:27Head down Kamehameha, and then pass Funaho Loko Marsh.
01:12:31And it should be right to the left.
01:12:33It might take, like, five minutes.
01:12:35- Great. Thank you. - Any time.
01:12:41Um...
01:12:43- I saw you with Peter Bretter... - Yeah.
01:12:46...who's my ex-boyfriend.
01:12:49Oh, my God. I'm really sorry.
01:12:52- No. - It's not like that at all.
01:12:54- It's not what you're... - No, it's fine.
01:12:55I'm just really glad you're keeping him company, 'cause...
01:12:58- Gosh, no. ... you seem like a really nice person,
01:13:00- and you're very pretty. - Thank you.
01:13:03Gosh, you're, like, way prettier.
01:13:06No, you're, like, so pretty.
01:13:10Really?
01:13:12- Yeah. - Wow, thank you. Thank you.
01:13:16And one more thing about Peter.
01:13:18He's a really good guy. Really good. Like, great, actually.
01:13:24Yeah.
01:13:26Um...
01:13:31Please don't cry, Miss Marshall.
01:13:34God. Do you need me to get you a tissue?
01:13:37Oh, no, I'm good, I'm good. I'm okay, I'm okay.
01:13:40Okay.
01:13:44- Thank you, Rachel. - Any time, Miss Marshall.
01:13:57Hey, ahoy, there!
01:14:00You surf, too?
01:14:01Good Lord, no. I'm just drifting around, you know?
01:14:04Getting in touch with the ocean and stuff. It's really pleasant.
01:14:09It was, yeah.
01:14:12I'm gonna head in.
01:14:13Before you go, actually, Peter, I just wanted to tell you,
01:14:16I was listening to Sarah's iPod the other day,
01:14:18and amidst the interminable dross that's on that thing,
01:14:22I found one track that I quite liked.
01:14:24So I checked what it was, and it was actually one of yours.
01:14:27And it kind of reminded me of a dark, gothic Neil Diamond. It's great.
01:14:33That's, like, exactly what I'm going for.
01:14:36Right, yeah.
01:14:41Fuck.
01:14:44Fuck, you're cool.
01:14:47It's so hard to say, because, like, I hate you in so many ways,
01:14:54but whatever. I can see why Sarah likes you.
01:14:56No accounting for taste, I suppose. In her case, anyway.
01:15:00She was with me for five years, so there you go.
01:15:03Yeah, you got four on me there, mate.
01:15:09You slept with Sarah a year ago?
01:15:11I thought you knew! Peter, please, don't take it seriously.
01:15:16- What the fuck, man! You've... - Don't get offended by that.
01:15:19You can't be so casual about this!
01:15:23This isn't Europe, okay? There are rules here.
01:15:24I'm really sorry. I apologise for offending you, Peter.
01:15:28I just hope this doesn't ruin our friendship.
01:15:31Well, what's that about?
01:15:33What do you think it's about? This is a big deal!
01:15:36What about a code of the ocean? That's not on.
01:15:37What about codes among men?
01:15:38You don't sleep with another man's girlfriend!
01:15:39- Think of... - Get out of here!
01:15:41- All right, okay! All right! - Get out of here!
01:16:08Oh, God!
01:16:30Koonu! This guy needs help! Koonu!
01:16:37- Should I call the front desk? - It hurts. It hurts.
01:16:40Wow, you got coral right there in your leg!
01:16:43Can you get it out of my leg, please, hotel man?
01:16:44Can you do something about that?
01:16:45I'd love to, you know, but hotel policy... They don't let me do that kind of thing.
01:16:50They get all weirded out. Insurance...
01:16:52Koonu, can you call the front desk for me, please?
01:16:54- Yeah. - It really hurts.
01:16:55Koonu, call the front desk now!
01:16:58Okay, monster man.
01:17:00Pete, he's not gonna do nothing.
01:17:02I kind of have this thing about blood, okay?
01:17:04Look at it. It's raping my leg. Peter, get it out of my fucking leg, please!
01:17:08One, two.
01:17:10- You can't get it out. - It's really in there.
01:17:12- Get it out of me! - Three!
01:17:15Fuck my arse!
01:17:17Okay, I got it. It's all done. It's all over.
01:17:20Everything looks fine.
01:17:25It's all good! They're coming wiki wiki.
01:17:28Can you get some towels for me, please? I'm really losing a lot of blood.
01:17:32You sound like you're from London.
01:17:34Yeah, I'm from London.
01:17:42What's going on?
01:17:44You fainted. I didn't want you to wake up by yourself.
01:17:48- How's your friend? Is he all right? - Yeah.
01:17:51They gave him stitches, and he's sleeping it off.
01:17:54- Hey, you wanna hear something funny? - What?
01:17:56Are you ready to laugh? 'Cause this is a gas.
01:17:58Okay.
01:18:00Edward Scissorhands over there told me that you two were fucking each other
01:18:03for a whole God damn year while we were together.
01:18:06Shit.
01:18:07How about that, Sarah?
01:18:09I'm sorry, Peter.
01:18:12Pete, you shouldn't be up and walking around. Can you please...
01:18:15Please don't touch me. Just don't touch me, okay?
01:18:17I'm not touching you.
01:18:19Will you just please sit? Please?
01:18:23All right, I'll sit down, but I'm sitting down 'cause I want to,
01:18:25not because you've asked me to sit, okay?
01:18:30Great.
01:18:37A year?
01:18:39Listen, I get it, okay? I just...
01:18:42I need to understand what I did to make you cheat. I just...
01:18:45Pete, it's not anything you did.
01:18:51You didn't do anything. I mean, you were great.
01:18:55Will you please cut the bullshit and have a talk with me?
01:18:58Fine. Cutting the bullshit.
01:19:03It got really hard to keep taking care of you when you stopped taking care of yourself.
01:19:05I tried to get you out of the house.
01:19:06I tried to get you off your little island you loved so much, the couch.
01:19:11You didn't wanna see the light of day!
01:19:13God, there was one week when you wore sweatpants! Every day.
01:19:22You shall not pass!
01:19:27You know what? If they were Sean John sweatpants, it would have been fine.
01:19:30But because they're Costco brand, it's like the worst thing I could do.
01:19:33That has nothing to do with it. That's what you don't get.
01:19:37I'm sorry that I didn't end up being who we thought I was gonna be, you know?
01:19:41I tried really hard. I promise you that. I just didn't have it in me.
01:19:46I think if you had just, maybe tried harder.
01:19:48I tried!
01:19:51You have no idea how hard I tried, Peter.
01:19:53I talked to a therapist.
01:19:55I talked to my mother. I read every book possible.
01:19:57I took love seminars. I took sex seminars.
01:19:59None of it worked. None of it made a difference to you.
01:20:02And I couldn't drown with you any more.
01:20:05Don't you dare sit there and tell me that I didn't try.
01:20:10I did.
01:20:12You were just too stupid to notice.
01:20:48Whoa. I thought you were gonna wear the shirt I got you.
01:20:51What? No.
01:20:53I mean, I do love that shirt you got me.
01:20:56I admire Sir Tommy Bahama an awful lot.
01:20:58He's a talented man, but tonight, I feel that this is appropriate.
01:21:07Wow, thank you. Yeah, Sarah got it for me.
01:21:12This is, like, way more convenient than my backpack.
01:21:19Awesome hat!
01:21:20Thank you. Yeah, my girlfriend got it for me!
01:21:22- I'm fucking with you! - Cool!
01:21:29Sarah, can I use this lipstick, please?
01:21:37Sure. I don't care.
01:21:42I think it looks great. But if you're not, let's go change.
01:21:44No, I like it. I didn't like it at first. Now I really think it's...
01:21:47Oh, bloody hell. This is a small resort.
01:21:49Hi, Peter.
01:21:53Hey. Wow.
01:21:56Aldous, Sarah, this is Rachel.
01:21:58Sarah bought me this shirt.
01:22:01I could've guessed that. Yeah.
01:22:02- Looks great. - You look great.
01:22:03Looks awesome.
01:22:05- See. - Thanks.
01:22:08Mr Snow, I'm so sorry. I did not know you guys were coming.
01:22:12You're gonna have to wait five minutes.
01:22:13I did not know you guys were coming.
01:22:14It's okay. It's not a problem.
01:22:16I didn't see you guys, so...
01:22:18There's really no need to weep.
01:22:21I'm not crying.
01:22:24It's no problem, honestly. It's not a problem.
01:22:27- So, your table is ready, guys. - Oh, great.
01:22:30Hey, have a lovely evening, you two.
01:22:32- Thank you. Have a great dinner, you guys. - Thank you.
01:22:34You're welcome to join us, obviously, if you want.
01:22:35- Okay. - Wouldn't dream of it. What?
01:22:37What?
01:22:39- Oh, okay. - Okay.
01:22:41That's great. Awesome. - Sure.
01:22:43Great. I'll just set two more places.
01:22:44- Okay. - Not a big deal.
01:22:45Awesome.
01:22:47So this is actually happening. We're gonna let this happen.
01:22:52I am so sorry.
01:22:53I never thought in a million years she would say yes.
01:22:56I did.
01:22:57What? I just accepted an invitation. I didn't wanna be rude.
01:23:00It's got us in a terrible situation.
01:23:02Now I'm gonna have to sit with him wearing this shirt all night.
01:23:04You're wearing the shirt regardless.
01:23:06Australia is amazing.
01:23:07- I'm telling you. It is a great place to shoot. - Yeah?
01:23:11Rachel, you would love it. You would love it.
01:23:14I wanna go. I really, really wanna go there.
01:23:17- Wait, so when's the movie coming out? - Mmm.
01:23:20It came out.
01:23:22- It was already released. - Oh.
01:23:27Well, you know, it's an island.
01:23:29It's isolated.
01:23:30- Yeah. - Movies don't really come out here.
01:23:31- Obviously. - Did you like it?
01:23:34- The movie? - Yeah.
01:23:37- It was... - Awful bloody film.
01:23:39I say, it's just a ridiculous premise.
01:23:41What would happen if your mobile phone killed you?
01:23:50I told her that when she read the script.
01:23:52Yeah. You were the voice of reason, mate.
01:23:54I tried to be, but she didn't listen.
01:23:55Going around killing people. A mobile phone, like, doing murders.
01:23:58Why couldn't you just take the battery out of the phone?
01:24:00Right. That's it. The battle's over.
01:24:02- Yeah, we've won. I hated it.
01:24:04Well, it's not for everyone, but it...
01:24:06No, it's ridiculous. Here's my favourite scene.
01:24:08Ring-ring. Hello?
01:24:11Right. It would never happen. - Yeah.
01:24:13No, it could never happen.
01:24:14It's a metaphor for addiction to technology.
01:24:18For society, for how we're reliant on technology.
01:24:22I get it. I'm with you.
01:24:23It's a metaphor for a crap movie.
01:24:25Well, it was the right choice for me at the time.
01:24:27Sure. - You know?
01:24:41Well, this is awkward.
01:24:47Yeah?
01:24:49- It's a bit more awkward now. A little.
01:24:51Hey, excuse me. Can we get another bottle of wine, please?
01:24:54- Sure. - Thank you.
01:24:56Mr Snow?
01:24:57Can I get cranberry juice with a bit of lime in it, please.
01:24:59Do you want cranberry juice or cranberry cocktail?
01:25:01Because I can probably rustle up either one. Throw some OJ...
01:25:03I don't care.
01:25:05Okay, great.
01:25:16Hey, can we get another bottle of wine?
01:25:28If I've learned anything from addiction, it's that,
01:25:30you know, life is as brief as the twinkling of a star over all too soon.
01:25:35So if you're in a situation where you're with a woman,
01:25:39why not do the most interesting thing that you can do in that situation?
01:25:40And by which, I don't mean have a conversation,
01:25:43have a chin-wag, a bit of a chat.
01:25:44Lose yourself in something that's both ancient and perennial.
01:25:48Find something eternal, perpetual. Lose yourself in fuck.
01:25:54I'm going to disagree.
01:25:56Respectfully, of course, sir.
01:25:58Maybe for you, that works.
01:26:00For me, it's much more enjoyable to get to know somebody.
01:26:03If you end up sleeping with them, that's great.
01:26:05But I like getting to know somebody.
01:26:07But he...
01:26:09What he's saying is that he's gonna stick it wherever he wants,
01:26:13but he's joking.
01:26:15I ain't. No, I'm not joking.
01:26:17It's just what I believe, really.
01:26:21So...
01:26:23Just so we're clear and so I can hone in on your central thesis of the night,
01:26:28wade through all the bullshit,
01:26:30you're telling me that you think you have the right
01:26:33to just fuck anyone, anywhere, anytime?
01:26:35- Yes. There it is. That's right. - That's what you're saying?
01:26:37Not so eloquently as you just put it, sweetheart.
01:26:40But ultimately, yes, that is...
01:26:42Oh, no! Not the shirt!
01:26:44Take my eyes, but not the shirt. Mmm.
01:26:48Yeah, that's pretty much what I believe, Sarah.
01:26:51When you're done making jokes, are you gonna get a napkin?
01:26:53Do you know what? I think I've improved it, actually, against all odds.
01:26:56I think I deserve a design award.
01:26:57Please get some seltzer water.
01:26:59- Garçon, could we get some... - I saw it from farther away.
01:27:03- Okay. - Just lean back for a second.
01:27:05No, it's all right. It's not there. Let me...
01:27:07You're very diligent. I appreciate it.
01:27:09Let go of the glass now. You're gonna have to walk away.
01:27:11Bless you. There you are.
01:27:13Oh, me, oh, my.
01:27:15- Call the doctor. - Oh, good.
01:27:27- I love Hawaii. - Is it good?
01:27:29Yeah, it's nice, but I think for like a week tops.
01:27:33Any more than that, I know I'd go crazy,
01:27:35because I think that Hawaii is a place to escape
01:27:39for people who can't deal with the real world.
01:27:44Yeah, you know, there's so few personal shoppers and pet therapists.
01:27:49Gosh, it's such a hard life.
01:28:02I like living here.
01:28:06- Anyone need any more vino? - I think we're good.
01:28:11I've a question for you real quick, Mr S.
01:28:13I was actually meaning to ask you, what did you exactly think of my demo?
01:28:16Did you get it? Did you get it?
01:28:18Oh, no. I was gonna listen to that,
01:28:21but then I just carried on living my life.
01:28:27Not at all?
01:28:29No, I didn't, because, you know, I go on my instincts,
01:28:33and they weren't good.
01:28:36You know what, dude? Fuck you, okay? You can go fuck yourself.
01:28:40I can't yell right now because I'll get fired.
01:28:42My boss will hear me,
01:28:43and then I won't be able to pay off my student loans.
01:28:45But you know what? You're an asshole. I fucking hate you.
01:28:48I bought all your records.
01:28:49This whole fucking time, I've been trying to get you to come hang out with me.
01:28:52I'm gonna have people fuck with your food the rest of your trip, you fucking dick!
01:28:56I like him. That was quite moving.
01:29:14Wait, wait, wait.
01:29:16Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
01:29:18Are you sure that you're not, like, too drunk?
01:29:21Jesus, would you stop being so sensitive.
01:29:50Aldous.
01:29:52Wake up.
01:29:54- Aldous. Wake up. - Hmm...
01:29:56Make love to me.
01:30:00All right. You go on top, though, 'cause I'm knackered.
01:30:18Listen.
01:30:22Yes! Yes!
01:30:27- Yeah. Yes!
01:30:29- Oh, yes! - Yeah!
01:30:33- Yeah! Oh, God! - Yeah!
01:30:40- Right there! - Yes!
01:30:41- Yes! - Yes! She's having an orgasm!
01:30:44This is the best sex ever!
01:30:46Yeah, all right, that'll do.
01:30:48What?
01:30:50I made a mistake coming here with you.
01:30:56And I'm not done either!
01:30:59- Please shut up! Okay. - Okay!
01:31:01You're still involved with him next door, ain't you?
01:31:04Excuse me?
01:31:05You should've seen yourself at dinner, Sarah.
01:31:07Then we come back here, and you put on that ghastly performance.
01:31:11I mean, I've heard that women do fake orgasms,
01:31:14but I've never seen one.
01:31:16It really deeply upset me.
01:31:18You should have seen yourself at dinner.
01:31:21"Oh, I'm Aldous Snow. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.
01:31:25"No, no drinks for me, thanks.
01:31:27"Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. "
01:31:29That's a really reductive impression.
01:31:31If I wanted to see you act badly, I'd just watch your TV show,
01:31:34which, obviously, I can't now, because it's been cancelled.
01:31:36Oh, my God, you're such a prick.
01:31:38And you know what?
01:31:40Let me tell you something about these tattoos, okay?
01:31:43That is Buddhist. That is Nordic. That is Hindu. That's just gibberish.
01:31:47They are completely conflicting ideologies.
01:31:49And that does not make you a citizen of the world.
01:31:52It makes you full of shit.
01:31:57Was that genuine or did you fake that?
01:32:02Right. I'm gonna probably clear off now.
01:32:06I'll have a little sleep for a few hours,
01:32:07then I'm gonna probably go in the morning, okay?
01:32:16I hate your music.
01:32:18Yeah, well, I fucked the housekeeper the other day.
01:32:28Are you sleeping?
01:32:30Not any more.
01:32:37I know that I'm leaving in a couple of days, so I don't even know
01:32:44what the hell this means,
01:32:49but I really like spending time with you a lot.
01:32:55I know. Me too.
01:33:06Hey.
01:33:13Good morning.
01:33:17Where are you going?
01:33:19The Korean Textile Manufacturer's Luau.
01:33:22- Just kill me. - Fun.
01:33:25Joy.
01:33:28I want you to know that I meant what I said last night.
01:33:33I know you did.
01:33:35I did, too.
01:33:39- Can I see you again tonight? - Yeah.
01:33:43- I get off at 7:00. - Yay.
01:33:46Bye.
01:33:50Sir, morning mai tai.
01:33:51You know what?
01:33:53I actually will not be having an alcoholic beverage this morning.
01:34:25Jump! Jump! Jump! - Don't make me do it.
01:34:47Hey. Morning, mate.
01:34:49- How are you today? - Yeah, I'm good. I'm good. You okay?
01:34:53Am I okay? I'm better than okay, my friend.
01:34:55You seem sprightly.
01:34:57I...
01:34:59I had a great time last night.
01:35:01- Congratulations. Well done. Well done. - Thank you.
01:35:04What about you? What's with the bag?
01:35:06Right, yeah. I'm off back to England, mate.
01:35:09Oh, you and Sarah are going to England.
01:35:11No, no, no. I'm just going alone.
01:35:14- Yeah. - Did you guys have a fight or something?
01:35:16Yeah, it was really... How you served five years under her, I don't know.
01:35:20You deserve a medal or a holiday or at least a cuddle from somebody.
01:35:24You were only here for a week.
01:35:26Well, I don't know. For me, that one week of it
01:35:28was like going on holiday with, I don't know, I wouldn't say Hitler,
01:35:33but certainly Goebbels. It was like a little holiday with Hitler.
01:35:36Jesus.
01:35:38Hey, listen, at least it's clear now for you two to reconnect.
01:35:41Oh...
01:35:44No, no. No.
01:35:46You know what? I have a good thing going on with Rachel,
01:35:49and I want to see that through.
01:35:50Well, maybe you could have both of them. Rachel and Sarah.
01:35:54They got on all right, didn't they, at dinner? So maybe...
01:35:57You know what? First of all, I'm not that kind of guy.
01:35:59And even if I was, I don't think that I have the sexual competency to really pull that off.
01:36:04Yeah. It's a gift.
01:36:06I will say, if you do get back with Miss Marshall,
01:36:09handle with care, because, you know...
01:36:14Okay. Well, I think my ride's here.
01:36:15So I'm gonna skedaddle then before anything else happens to me.
01:36:18Before life gets any more daft.
01:36:20Is someone gonna take that?
01:36:21Listen, don't let them grind you down.
01:36:25Take it easy.
01:36:27Hey, look at my driver. I'm gonna have sex with her.
01:36:34He said it was clear I wasn't over you.
01:36:39And then he left.
01:36:41Fucking prick.
01:36:44And then I started thinking, what if he's right?
01:36:48What if I'm not over you?
01:36:53- Sarah... - Please just let me finish, Pete.
01:37:02What if I made a really, really horrible mistake?
01:37:09- Sarah. - Yeah?
01:37:13Stop pulling my face towards your face.
01:37:15Why?
01:37:17You don't like it?
01:37:19Listen, pulling my shirt towards you is the same concept as pulling my face.
01:37:24Let's spend one more night here together, and then let's go home and then...
01:37:28And we'll just pretend like it never happened.
01:37:30...face reality. No. - That's the big plan?
01:37:32No. I love you.
01:37:34That's not fair. That's not fair of you to say that to me.
01:37:39Please, Peter.
01:37:43- Tell me you're sorry. - I'm so sorry.
01:37:49I missed you.
01:37:56I'm sorry.
01:38:00God, I missed you, Peter.
01:38:09All right.
01:38:11Get hard for me, Pete. Get hard for me.
01:38:14- I know what I'm supposed to do. - Okay.
01:38:17Just do it. Come on. Get hard.
01:38:19- I'm trying. - Okay.
01:38:21- Here. Just let me do it for a second. - Okay.
01:38:25I really want you, Peter. I missed you.
01:38:28You don't want help?
01:38:30- You don't want help? Uh-huh. - Can you be quiet just for a minute?
01:38:33Do you want my hands?
01:38:34Maybe just don't talk for a second is what I mean.
01:38:39Do you want my mouth?
01:38:40- Yeah, maybe your mouth. - Yeah. Okay.
01:38:51What's the problem, Peter?
01:38:54- I don't know... - More?
01:38:56You can keep trying if you want.
01:39:03What's wrong with you?
01:39:05- Nothing is wrong with me, okay? - Okay.
01:39:07- No, I didn't... - Just, something doesn't feel right any more.
01:39:09Okay. Well, did you... You know what?
01:39:11Did you drink today? Because sometimes when you drink...
01:39:13Excuse me.
01:39:15No, I haven't had anything to drink today.
01:39:20Maybe the problem is that you broke my heart into a million pieces,
01:39:25and so my cock doesn't want to be around you any more, okay?
01:39:29Ever!
01:39:32Because you know what I just realised? Huh?
01:39:34You're the God damn devil. Okay?
01:39:42Wedding in Hawaii! Real original!
01:39:56- Hey. - Hey, Rachel.
01:40:00- Sarah and Aldous broke up this morning. - What a surprise.
01:40:03So I went to check on Sarah, and...
01:40:08Listen, I'm here because I don't want to lie to you, okay?
01:40:11Some stuff happened.
01:40:13I'm really, really sorry that it did,
01:40:15but I'm also really glad that it did, because
01:40:18I'm able to see so clearly now that Sarah and I are not right for each other.
01:40:23What stuff?
01:40:27I went up to make sure that she was okay, and it got weird.
01:40:33But now everything is fine.
01:40:35And I need you to understand
01:40:36that I meant everything that I said to you this morning.
01:40:39What exactly happened, Peter?
01:40:40We fooled around a little bit.
01:40:42Shut the fuck up, and tell me exactly what you did.
01:40:47All right. I went to her room, and she was crying and crying and crying.
01:40:53And I felt like I should comfort her.
01:40:55And then she started kissing me because I was comforting her.
01:40:58And then the next thing I knew, I was kissing her
01:41:00because she had been kissing me because of the comforting.
01:41:03Then she started taking my clothes off, and then her clothes were off.
01:41:10Then she performed 10 to 15 seconds of oral sex on me.
01:41:13Okay. Peter, you can leave now.
01:41:15- At the most. Maximum. - Thank you for staying at Turtle Bay.
01:41:18Rachel, please don't do this.
01:41:19The only reason I'm telling you this is because I really care about...
01:41:21Listen to me, Peter.
01:41:24I was a mess, too. I understand. Okay?
01:41:27But it does not excuse you acting like a complete asshole.
01:41:30Listen, I know that I fucked things up for a minute,
01:41:33but I'm not like every other asshole.
01:41:34You should not be with anybody right now.
01:41:38Anybody.
01:41:41I know...
01:41:43I know that there is something here.
01:41:45I know that I was not wrong about that.
01:41:47And, yes, it's only been four days, but I know you feel it, too.
01:41:55I need you to leave.
01:41:59Do not write me. Do not call me. Do not e-mail me.
01:42:09Peter, I need you to go.
01:42:16I won't bother you any more.
01:42:19I'm sorry.
01:42:27I don't know what to do.
01:42:37Hey, brother, what you doing, huh? You stealing my art?
01:42:39I want you to put it back right now. Put it back, bro!
01:42:42Listen, give me the picture.
01:42:45Doo-doo paper. You're throwing doo-doo paper?
01:42:47Give me the picture.
01:42:51Don't be stupid, brother. Just give me the picture.
01:42:55You can hit me as many times as you want. I'm not giving you the photo back.
01:42:58Oh, yeah.
01:43:06No, no, no. Peter, I told you I did not want to see you.
01:43:28Aloha, I'm Sarah Marshall from Crime Scene: Scene of the Crime.
01:43:32And when I'm not scrubbing for evidence,
01:43:34I'm flying Hawaiian Airlines to my favourite destinations.
01:43:38Now sit back and enjoy your in-flight entertainment.
01:43:40I know I will. Mahalo.
01:43:43 Everybody hates you
01:43:46Everybody wishes that you were dead
01:43:50Because, Peter, you suck
01:43:51Peter, you suck
01:43:53Peter, your music is fucking terrible
01:43:56Peter, you suck
01:44:00Peter, you don't do anything of value
01:44:03Peter, you suck
01:44:05Write some music but instead you sit and write these bullshit songs
01:44:09It's so self-loathing
01:44:11Go see a psychiatrist I hate the psychiatrist
01:44:14Well, go see one anyway
01:44:16I don't like the psychiatrist
01:44:17You need to go and see one
01:44:19See a psychiatrist
01:44:21I'm not going
01:44:58It's getting kind of hard to believe things are going to get better
01:45:50I don't understand what there is to think about.
01:45:52Because, D, he...
01:45:53She licked the tip. That doesn't count.
01:45:56- Of course it counts. He... - He what?
01:45:59He refused a blowjob from his ex-girlfriend mid-blowjob.
01:46:02Do you know what that's like for a man? It's called blue balls, Rachel.
01:46:05This guy is like Gandhi, but better.
01:46:07He likes puppets.
01:46:09I love puppets.
01:46:11I love Fraggle Rock. I love Lamb Chop. I love Elmo.
01:46:14Sesame Street, Bert and Ernie, Snuffelupagus. Fucks my shit up.
01:46:22 This is a song that I never thought I would write
01:46:26On the night I'm dying
01:46:28Sorry for all the wrong I've done
01:46:31I'm finished trying
01:46:33It was a wonderful dream Now let him come and slay me
01:46:38There he is
01:46:40The demon who haunted the streets of London
01:46:42I've come to slay you
01:46:44Here I am!
01:46:46I'll leave you bleeding in my dungeon
01:46:48I'll never obey you I'll rip out your oesophagus
01:46:52Please, Mr Van Helsing Listen to me
01:46:57He is just a man who wishes to be free
01:47:03Lay him in a hearse You must end this curse
01:47:06He is the worst!
01:47:20Don't go my love
01:47:23I can't say goodbye
01:47:28My reign is done
01:47:31It's time to die
01:47:38I'm pregnant
01:47:39Dracula
01:47:41VAN HELSING: What have I done?
01:47:42Has flown above
01:47:45Who killed Dracula?
01:47:46But he found a taste
01:47:50A taste for love
01:47:53My life is a lie
01:47:55Sweet Dracula I miss my young dead prince
01:48:01I'll never see him again
01:48:05Until my death
01:48:08What a wonderful dream
01:48:11To find a taste for love
01:48:17A taste for love
01:48:52Wow. You came. I can't believe that you came.
01:48:57Peter, this is great.
01:48:59- It was really funny. Yeah. - Thank you.
01:49:02You know what? I didn't realise that it was a comedy,
01:49:04and then someone told me that, and it just, like, opened the whole thing up.
01:49:11- How long are you in town for? - Open-ended.
01:49:14- Bold. - Yeah.
01:49:15Yeah, you know, I'm kind of checking out some schools.
01:49:19- Congratulations. - Yeah, maybe.
01:49:25You never called.
01:49:28You told me not to. And I listened.
01:49:33- Right. - Wasn't easy.
01:49:35I might have called once and hung up.
01:49:37- No. No. - From a private number.
01:49:41No.
01:49:43Maybe.
01:49:44Peter! Nice job, Bretter.
01:49:46Well, you should probably go back.
01:49:47Would you like to hang out while you're here?
01:49:50- Maybe we could go to dinner or... - Yeah.
01:49:52- Still have my number? - Yeah. Yeah, I'll call you.
01:49:54- Go. - Yeah, I should do that.
01:49:57Yeah, yeah. Go mingle.
01:50:03Hey, Peter! Hey, Bretter!
01:50:04Come over here and meet my mom!
01:50:06- Go, go. - Off I go.
01:50:09- Hey, Peter. - Nice job, Bretter.
01:50:11The play was sick, man. Good work.
01:50:13- Nice job. - Good job, man. That was awesome.
01:50:15So cool!
01:50:16Peter, congratulations.
01:50:18I just wanted to say thank you. I had such a great time tonight.
01:50:22Oh, good. You know what? I'm gonna change out of this unitard,
01:50:24- 'cause I'm getting a chafe. Okay. - Enough said.
01:50:26- Congratulations. - Thank you.
01:50:54Hey, Peter?
01:50:59I was just calling you.
01:51:07- Wow. - Oh, Peter.
01:51:10- I'm sorry. - Stop laughing.
01:51:15Can you please stop laughing?
01:51:19I missed you.
01:51:21I just...
01:51:23You know, I actually wanted to tell you that I've been thinking so much about...
01:52:18NARRATOR: This fall, Sarah Marshall is back in a brand-new role.
01:52:22Your wife had no enemies that you're aware of.
01:52:26Get ready for the most daring show on television.
01:52:28- Just came home, and she was lying there. - Right.
01:52:32In a world where you don't know who to trust.
01:52:39Charlie, who's Franco Marconi?
01:52:42- No. No. - Gun, gun, gun, gun. Drop it, drop it.
01:52:45Go with your animal instincts.
01:52:47
01:52:51- How did you know? - She's an animal psychic.
01:52:55Sarah Marshall returns on Animal Instincts.
01:53:00Life's a bitch.
01:53:01And where you're going, that's exactly what you'll be.

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