|00:00:42||Good for you, Pete. Good for you.|
|00:01:20||Access Hollywood spotlight|
|00:01:22||on sexy crime fighter Sarah Marshall. |
|00:01:25||Hi, everybody, welcome
to Access Hollywood. I'm Billy Bush. |
|00:01:27||Each week, millions of viewers love to watch|
|00:01:30||Ms Marshall's brainy sexpot character,
|00:01:33||alongside Billy Baldwin's
dark and brooding,|
|00:01:36||hard-to-love lead detective, Hunter Rush. |
|00:01:38||- And this isn't your jurisdiction.
- I just made it my jurisdiction. |
|00:01:43||Can you say "catfight"?|
|00:01:47||Off-screen, Sarah cosies up|
|00:01:49||to her successful composer boyfriend,
Peter Bretter. |
|00:01:51||He's no household name,|
|00:01:53||yet Bretter's dark and ominous score has
set the tone for this gruesome juggernaut. |
|00:01:58||Take a look. |
|00:02:03||What do you think?|
|00:02:06||I think it's gonna be hard
for her to re-enter the pageant|
|00:02:10||without a face. |
|00:02:17||Looks like the sky's the limit
for this adorable couple. |
|00:02:20||Anything could happen. |
|00:02:25|| We got to do something
We got to do something|
|00:02:31||Before Mother Earth gets any more hurt|
|00:02:34||We got to do something|
|00:02:36||We leave you tonight with the newest
smash single from Infant Sorrow. |
|00:02:40||Lead singer and notorious lothario,
Aldous Snow, begs us to change|
|00:02:45||in his environmental anthem,
We've Got to Do Something. |
|00:02:48||I hope, for once, we all hear the message.
Good night. |
|00:02:52||Mr Prime Minister and Mr President
You better see that it's not only me|
|00:02:57||No, a mob is rising in size
And they've been dying to scream|
|00:03:12||Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally.|
|00:03:16||I didn't realise that
you were gonna be back so early.|
|00:03:18||Great. I'll see you in a bit.|
|00:03:25||It's time to do something|
|00:03:27||Someone should do something
We got to do something|
|00:03:34||And that someone is you and you
And you and you|
|00:03:39||I pray it ain't all lost and gone|
|00:03:44||I pray we might learn right from wrong|
|00:03:50||And I pray this broken day
will not last too long|
|00:04:04||Hey, you got here fast.
I got a surprise for you.|
|00:04:13||Peter, as you know,|
|00:04:16||I love you very much.|
|00:04:23||Are you breaking up with me?|
|00:04:31||- Pete, are you...
- I just need a minute.|
|00:04:58||Please don't go.|
|00:04:59||Why don't you just put on some clothes,
and we can sit down and discuss this.|
|00:05:02||No. I can't do anything right now.|
|00:05:03||I'm so sorry, Pete.|
|00:05:06||I'm in love with you.|
|00:05:07||Why don't you just
put some clothes on, okay?|
|00:05:09||I'm not going to go put clothes on.|
|00:05:11||I know what that means,
if I put clothes on, it's over. Okay?|
|00:05:25||Let's talk. Let's talk about him.|
|00:05:33||I've been feeling|
|00:05:36||for a long time
that we've been growing apart.|
|00:05:41||We're leading different lives.|
|00:05:45||Who's the dude?|
|00:05:48||- Who's the dude?
|00:05:49||No, that's not what this is about.
There's no one else.|
|00:05:54||I know what's happening here. I really do.|
|00:05:56||You've been working so much lately, that we
haven't got to spend much time together,|
|00:05:59||and you're forgetting
what it's like to be with me.|
|00:06:01||But maybe, if we just held each other
|00:06:03||you would remember
what it's like to be with me.|
- Just hold me.|
|00:06:11||Please. Here we go.|
|00:06:21||There's someone else.|
|00:06:44||We don't hang out in places like this,
Liz and I.|
|00:06:48||Why did you take me here?
This place smells like stripper's perfume.|
|00:06:52||I'm gonna get herpes
just from sitting on this couch.|
|00:06:56||- Sure you okay, bro? Yeah?
|00:06:59||Yeah. You don't have to keep asking me.
|00:07:02||- You're out!
- Thank you so much for this opportunity. |
|00:07:04||- Auf Wiedersehen!
- Auf Wiedersehen!|
|00:07:08||MAN ON T. V..:
Thank you. Thank you all. |
|00:07:13||I feel really good. I feel happy.|
|00:07:15||Maybe you should work
on the Dracula musical. |
|00:07:18||Look, you've been working on it for a while.
It'll help your mind. Be creative.|
|00:07:21||- Think about you.
- I think I need to fuck somebody.|
|00:07:23||Whoa, whoa, whoa!|
|00:07:24||You're not my stepbrother any more.
You're a step-stranger.|
|00:07:28||- Why you talking like that?
|00:07:29||You don't need to put
your P in a V right now.|
|00:07:31||No, I don't.
I need to B my L on somebody's T's.|
You don't need to be doing that.|
|00:07:38||And if anything,
you should leave your P in the V|
|00:07:41||and blow it inside the V,
so you can have a B-A-B-Y|
|00:07:45||and be a normal person.|
|00:07:46||I'm leaving, man. I'm out of here.|
|00:07:48||She's fucking somebody.
Okay, Bri? It's all I can think about,|
|00:07:52||is that she's out there,|
|00:07:53||and until I do the same thing,
I'm gonna feel like I wanna die.|
|00:07:56||So just talk to girls with me tonight,
|00:08:00||All right. All right, I'll help you out.
I'll talk to girls with you.|
|00:08:06||So, Peter, what do you do?|
|00:08:09||He's being modest.
He works on a show called Crime Scene. |
|00:08:14||Oh, my God!|
|00:08:16||- It is what it is, you know?
- No, I love that show.|
|00:08:19||Wait, Crime Scene: Scene of the Crime
or Crime Scene: Phoenix?|
|00:08:22||- Scene of the Crime.
- Oh, my God! I love that show. |
|00:08:27||I find you both very sexually attractive.|
|00:08:32||Let's pump the brakes. Okay?|
|00:08:35||I think that having sex with either of you|
|00:08:37||would be a great treat for me.|
|00:08:40||You are so funny.|
|00:08:43||I just got out of
a five-and-a-half-year relationship,|
|00:08:46||so I'm not looking for anything serious.|
|00:08:49||- Just sexual activity.
- Let's wrap it up, buddy.|
|00:08:53||You wanna come home?|
|00:08:57||I'm sorry, you're cracking me up.|
|00:09:00||- Oh, yeah?
|00:09:01||Do you wanna come home?|
|00:09:04||Stop it, seriously.|
|00:09:12||- That was fun.
- Yeah, yeah.|
|00:09:16||Overall, I think that went really well. Yeah.|
|00:09:28||I want to have sex with you!|
|00:09:39||- Are you crying?
- What? No.|
|00:09:43||I'm sorry that I'm being so weird now.|
|00:09:46||No, that's okay.|
|00:09:49||You've been weird|
|00:09:51||pretty much the whole time,
so it's not unusual. Okay.|
|00:09:57||Last night, like some sort of idiot, I had sex
with this woman who I barely even know.|
|00:10:03||I used a condom, but|
|00:10:06||I'm really scared that I have an STD, Doc.|
|00:10:09||Peter, I'm a paediatrician. Have you noticed
you're sitting on a fire truck?|
- Little kids running?|
|00:10:15||- Yeah, this is new. I like it.
- I'm kind of backed up...|
|00:10:19||Could you take a look at my penis?|
|00:10:24||Go ahead. Let me see it.|
- That's all right. Take it out.|
|00:10:31||- You barely looked at it.
- It's a good-looking dick, Peter.|
|00:10:34||- Beautiful dick.
- Do you think maybe while I'm here,|
|00:10:36||- I could get some blood work?
|00:10:38||Your girlfriend dumped you, right?
Are you hurting? Are you hurt?|
|00:10:42||Stop it. Stop crying. Use your dick.
Keep fucking. Fuck everything that moves.|
|00:10:46||Just wear a condom.|
|00:10:47||Listen, I'm backed up,
I got a lot of kids. I gotta go, okay?|
|00:10:51||You want something?
You want a balloon? You want a lolly?|
|00:11:05||I just came!|
|00:11:37||Okay, do you mind not saying that
over and over again?|
|00:11:44||You can gag me.|
|00:11:49||- You brought a gag?
- And handcuffs.|
|00:11:54||Do you wanna gag me?|
|00:11:56||Kind of, now.|
|00:12:04||What've we got today?|
|00:12:06||Just a walk and talk at the lab.|
|00:12:10||That's what 20 years on Vice will do to you. |
|00:12:14||What've we got here?|
|00:12:16||The victim's penis was found
behind the AC unit. |
|00:12:21||Can you say "dicksicle"?|
|00:12:26||Let's do this. |
|00:12:29||Okay, I'm ready.|
|00:12:32||The victim's penis
was found behind the AC unit. |
|00:12:39||Just go with the usual stuff, maybe.
Something dark and ominous.|
|00:12:42||Like losing your penis is a bad thing.|
|00:12:47||Oh, you want dark and ominous.|
|00:12:50||Come on, I got Allman Brother tickets,
I gotta get out of here!|
|00:12:55||That's what 20 years on Vice will do to you. |
|00:12:59||What've we got here?|
|00:13:01||Peter! Peter, Jesus Christ!|
|00:13:03||You're fucking Billy Baldwin, aren't you?|
|00:13:07||- Aren't you?
- Pete, Pete, Pete.|
|00:13:09||- Stop staring at me.
|00:13:13||You know you're not getting paid
for today's session, right?|
|00:13:16||- I'm aware of that.
- Fucking asshole.|
|00:13:20||Peter, it's Brian.|
|00:13:25||Listen, your landlord called me.|
|00:13:28||Said there's smoke
coming out of your place.|
|00:13:29||Who, Mr Lopez? 'Cause he's a liar!|
|00:13:34||We worry about you, Petey.|
|00:13:36||Yeah, come on, Peter. Open up the door.|
|00:13:39||The fire marshal's gonna come in
and bust it down.|
|00:13:48||You haven't been
out of the house in two weeks.|
|00:13:50||Why are you so damn strong?|
|00:13:51||I feel so strong!|
|00:13:54||Hey, don't walk away from me.
You come close.|
|00:13:59||Your place is disgusting, Peter.|
|00:14:01||Hey, don't walk away from me.|
|00:14:02||Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey!|
|00:14:05||What are you burning, man? Come on.|
|00:14:08||It's everything that reminds me of her
and I need it gone!|
|00:14:11||Okay, I thought I was fine, Brian,
and I'm not. I'm not fine at all.|
|00:14:15||Okay, let's just put the picture down.|
|00:14:18||Put that down. Let's discuss this.|
|00:14:21||- I love her, man.
- I know.|
|00:14:24||Look, Liz and I, we think the world of Sarah.|
|00:14:30||We think she's great.|
|00:14:32||Okay, but everything...|
|00:14:34||I'm just being honest here.|
|00:14:36||Every time she would come over
to our house,|
|00:14:41||she always acted,|
|00:14:43||you know, like a little bitch!|
|00:14:48||Okay, okay, pump the brakes.|
|00:14:50||Dating Sarah is not like dating Liz. Okay?|
|00:14:53||Sarah is better than Liz.|
|00:14:55||You really wanna have this conversation?|
|00:14:59||Do you really
wanna have this conversation?|
|00:15:04||- She is the mother of my unborn child.
|00:15:06||You're my stepbrother.
We're not even blood.|
|00:15:09||I have no qualms with sticking you.
I will equalize you.|
- You dick!|
|00:15:14||I'm just worked up.|
|00:15:16||You gotta get your shit together, man.|
|00:15:19||I'm trying to. It's so hard here.|
|00:15:23||Brian, everywhere I look,
I'm reminded of her, okay?|
|00:15:24||Like, she got me this,|
|00:15:28||okay, because I would always leave
my cereal boxes open,|
|00:15:31||and the cereal would get stale,|
|00:15:33||and so one day I came home,
and she had this waiting for me,|
|00:15:35||because it keeps my cereal fresh.
And now I have the freshest cereal.|
|00:15:43||Why don't you,
you know what, go on a vacation?|
|00:15:45||Go to the Alps.|
- Go to Gstaad. It's the best.|
|00:15:50||I could go to Hawaii.|
|00:15:51||Sarah was always talking about this place
in Hawaii that was supposed to be nice.|
|00:15:54||No, don't. I wouldn't go there.|
|00:15:56||What, I can't go to Hawaii now, because
Sarah Marshall has heard of Hawaii?|
|00:15:59||Then go to Hawaii. Go to Hawaii.|
|00:16:09||No, no, no, don't destroy the computer.|
|00:16:11||I'm just deleting these pictures.|
|00:16:13||Okay, I need them off my computer.|
|00:16:17||You know what? You're not even doing
a proper permanent delete.|
|00:16:21||If we end up getting back together,
I wanna have a few of them left.|
|00:16:27||- No, no, please don't delete them.
- They have to go. Done, done.|
|00:16:43||That was hilarious. Aloha!|
|00:16:46||I'm Sarah Marshall from Crime Scene:
Scene of the crime. |
|00:16:49||And when I'm not scrubbing for evidence,
I'm flying Hawaiian Airlines... |
|00:16:52||Excuse me! Hi.|
|00:16:53||... to my favourite destinations. Mahalo. |
|00:16:54||Hi, can I have another bloody mary, please?|
|00:16:57||You're still working on that one.|
|00:16:59||It's just an anticipatory order.|
|00:17:02||Okay, I'll be right back!|
|00:17:16||What do you think caused
such excessive bleeding?|
|00:17:18||He was either stabbed in the aorta
or it was his time of the month. |
|00:17:36||Check in this way.|
|00:17:49||- Just married?
- Yes, how did you guess?|
|00:17:52||Oh, you've got that magic newlywed dust
all over you.|
|00:17:57||- Oh, my wife.
- Oh, my husband.|
|00:17:59||- Oh, my wife.
- My husband.|
|00:18:01||My old ball and chain.|
|00:18:07||You quit squirming and come here.|
|00:18:11||What is into you?|
|00:18:13||Not me, yet.|
|00:18:15||Here is your room key.
So you're all set. Room 222.|
|00:18:19||Room key's inside,
and the elevators are to the right.|
|00:18:27||Here you go, sir. Have some POG juice.|
|00:18:29||Welcome to Turtle Bay.
What can I do for you?|
|00:18:31||I'm checking in.
My name's Bretter, Peter Bretter,|
|00:18:33||but actually, I don't have a reservation.|
|00:18:36||I just thought I'd take my chances.|
|00:18:42||We are all booked up,
but we do have the Kapua suite available.|
|00:18:46||- Okay. How much is that?
- $6,000 a night.|
- Beautiful views.|
|00:18:52||I can imagine.
That's a little bit out of my price range.|
|00:18:56||That's a shame. This is a beautiful|
|00:19:02||Oh, yeah, it's Sarah Marshall
from Crime Scene. |
|00:19:06||People are excited that she's here.|
|00:19:09||She's my ex-girlfriend.
We broke up three weeks ago.|
|00:19:13||- I'm sorry, sir.
- Right. This is fine, right?|
- It's totally fine. Okay, there she is.|
|00:19:20||- Did she see me? Is she coming over here?
- Uh-huh. Yup.|
|00:19:23||I wish I wasn't wearing this fucking shirt.|
Why don't you try to unbutton it?|
|00:19:30||Button it back up.|
- What are you doing here?|
|00:19:38||Came here to murder you.|
|00:19:40||Really, what are you doing here?|
|00:19:43||I have been having a tough time,
you know, back in LA.|
|00:19:47||But then I came here, and here you are.|
|00:19:50||I just think that's too crazy to be...|
|00:19:53||Hello there, you little sex object.|
|00:19:55||I've lost a shoe.
Have you seen it anywhere?|
|00:19:58||It's like this one, but, you know,
obviously it's the opposite one.|
|00:20:04||Excuse me, missus, I've lost a shoe.
Like this one. It's like this one's fellow.|
|00:20:09||- Sort of the exact opposite, in fact, of that.
|00:20:12||Not an evil version, but just, you know,|
|00:20:15||a shoe like this, but for the other foot.
Otherwise, I'd have two right...|
|00:20:19||Aldous, this is Peter.|
|00:20:21||Hey, all right, Peter.
Nice to meet you, mate. Aldous.|
|00:20:26||- Good to meet you, man.
- My ex-boyfriend.|
|00:20:28||Right. Hey, I'm Aldous Snow.|
|00:20:30||I know who you are.
Yeah, you're very, very famous.|
|00:20:33||Yeah, I am. I am for my sins.|
|00:20:35||So are you staying here, as well?|
|00:20:37||- I'm not, as a matter of fact...
- I'm sorry.|
|00:20:39||Excuse me, Mr Bretter, Ms Marshall,|
|00:20:41||but we were able to book the
Kapua suite for you, sir, for four nights.|
|00:20:48||- You were?
- Yes, sir.|
- Perfect. Perfect amount of time.|
|00:20:54||Listen, if you wanna have dinner with us
one of those nights...|
... feel very...|
|00:21:00||That's very gentlemanly of you,
but you two enjoy your trip.|
|00:21:02||I'll be just fine on my own.|
|00:21:04||- All right, Peter.
- The Kapua suite...|
|00:21:07||- Have a good trip, Pete.
- I like your shirt. It's colourful.|
- Bye now.|
|00:21:13||Ta-ta. I was wearing two shoes
this morning, right?|
|00:21:20||Thank you. Thank you for bailing me out.
I still can't afford that room.|
It's for, like, Oprah or, like, Céline Dion.|
|00:21:27||Really, it's not a big deal.|
|00:21:29||So you can stay in the suite,
but since you're not technically a guest,|
|00:21:31||you have to clean up after yourself.|
|00:21:34||Otherwise, here is your room key|
|00:21:37||and enjoy your stay.|
|00:21:40||Why are you doing this for me?|
|00:21:44||She's here with some guy already?
Kind of messed up.|
|00:21:51||- Thank you.
- Really, it's not a big deal.|
|00:21:53||Go enjoy yourself.|
A thousand times, thank you,|
|00:21:57||- you know what I mean...
- Go enjoy yourself.|
|00:21:59||- This is a disaster!
Calm down, man. |
|00:22:03||Are there other hotels on the island?|
|00:22:04||Of course there are other hotels,|
|00:22:05||but I'm not leaving here,
it'll look like I'm running away.|
|00:22:08||Wait. Why are you whispering?
You're not following them, are you?|
|00:22:11||I had a girlfriend, right?|
|00:22:12||And Liam and Noel Gallagher
both had it off with her right in front of me,|
|00:22:16||so that's similar.|
|00:22:18||And that was a bit awkward, actually.|
|00:22:20||So if you do wanna change hotels,
I quite understand.|
|00:22:23||No, no, I'm not changing hotels.|
and just go back to your room, Peter.|
|00:22:27||- They're gone!
- Why are you looking for them?|
|00:22:30||- I don't know.
- You're acting like an idiot. |
|00:22:32||Run! Get out of there! Go to your room!|
|00:22:34||- What do you think they're doing?
- Peter, go. |
|00:22:36||Oh, God! Okay, there they are.|
|00:22:38||- There they are, I see them.
- Go back to your room, Peter. |
|00:22:40||Peter, go back to your room.
Go back to your room, Peter.|
|00:22:41||I'm going in.|
|00:22:42||Go back to your room, Peter.
Are you listening to me?|
|00:22:44||Peter, go back to your room.
Peter, Peter, Peter... |
|00:22:49||Hey, nice room.|
|00:22:53||I am in the Kapua suite.|
|00:22:55||What are you doing? Sucker!|
|00:23:01||Listen, you piece of shit!|
|00:23:04||You're an idiot. Back to your room, Peter.
Peter, back to your room. |
|00:23:10||Did you enjoy that?|
|00:23:12||- Did you like what you saw?
- That hurt a lot. |
|00:23:14||But I know Sarah,
and I'm pretty sure I just ruined her day.|
how we thought the killer masturbated|
|00:23:35||before he committed each homicide?|
|00:23:37||That's the theory. |
|00:23:39||Take a look at the microscope. |
|00:23:44||Oh, yeah, looks like where he's going,|
|00:23:48||he'll need to know how to masturbate. |
- No. |
|00:24:14||It's Rachel Jansen, from the front desk.|
- Hey, what's going on up there?|
|00:24:22||I'm getting complaints
about a woman crying hysterically.|
|00:24:25||Yeah, you know what, I hear her, too,|
|00:24:28||and it sounds like
she's having such a hard time.|
|00:24:32||I think it's coming from the floor above me.|
|00:24:34||You're on the top floor.|
|00:24:38||I'll try to keep it down.|
|00:24:41||- Are you okay?
- Yeah, you have a nice night. |
|00:24:59||I would love to sell you some weed, Jeremy,
but I'm at my fucking job right now.|
|00:25:04||Obviously, because you called me at work,
you know that I'm at my place of work.|
|00:25:08||So I can't just leave here
and sell you some weed.|
|00:25:10||I can sell you some weed when I'm done.|
|00:25:12||Hold on, I gotta call you back.
Mahalo, all right. |
|00:25:16||- Hey, how's it going?
|00:25:18||I'd just like to grab some dinner, please.|
|00:25:20||- Okay, great. Is your wife gonna meet you?
|00:25:27||No, I don't have a girlfriend.|
|00:25:31||- You're just by yourself?
|00:25:36||Okay, so just one. Here's your wine list
and your menu. Come on.|
|00:25:39||Do you want, like, a magazine
|00:25:41||It's gonna be boring
if you're just sitting by yourself.|
|00:25:43||I'll be all right. Thank you.|
|00:25:44||I just would be so depressed.|
- Here you go.|
|00:25:50||The best thing is,
you have the greatest table in the house.|
|00:25:54||- Oh, yeah?
- That's Aldous Snow right there.|
|00:25:56||I know. I know, dude. I know.|
|00:25:59||- I'm gonna ask him. I'll ask him politely.
- No, please don't, please.|
|00:26:04||Why don't you come over and sit with us?
You'll be very welcome.|
|00:26:07||No, thank you. I need a drink.|
|00:26:11||Would you guys like a drink?|
|00:26:13||Well, no, actually, because...|
|00:26:16||Seven years clean.
That's what this tattoo denotes.|
|00:26:20||Seven years free from drugs and alcohol.|
|00:26:22||If I have just one sip of wine,|
|00:26:24||by the end of the evening,
I'll be, like, rimming waiters for their tips|
|00:26:28||just to get me hands on a rock.|
|00:26:30||You know what I mean? Nasty.|
|00:26:33||I heard that.
- Hey, what's up, man?|
|00:26:36||How are you enjoying
your vegetable medley?|
|00:26:40||It is mundane. It's great, I know.|
|00:26:43||Will you marry me?|
|00:26:45||Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Yes!|
|00:26:47||- She said yes!
|00:26:53||I'm so excited! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!|
|00:27:03||- Are you doing okay?
|00:27:05||Yeah, I'm good.|
|00:27:08||Look, did you follow me here?
Did my assistant tell you I was coming?|
- Did you talk to her?|
|00:27:14||No, I didn't talk to your assistant.
It's not all about you, you know.|
|00:27:18||Hawaii is a beautiful place.
People come here, usually not to follow you.|
|00:27:23||So you're really staying?
You're gonna stay?|
|00:27:26||Yeah, I think so. I really like it here.
I feel at home here.|
|00:27:30||I just love it.|
|00:27:33||Yeah, you should stay.|
|00:27:34||I appreciate your consideration.|
|00:27:37||Sounds like Aldous probably
shared a lot of needles,|
|00:27:40||so thank you for dating him after me.|
|00:27:42||- I appreciate that.
|00:27:45||- Hope you have a really good time here.
- Have a great dinner.|
|00:27:56||You know what? It's vacation.
I think I'll just take a pińa colada, please.|
|00:28:08||Look at this guy.|
|00:28:10||Look at this guy.|
|00:28:15||Not us, buddy. Right? Not us.|
|00:28:18||I'm on Sex and the City.
What's up, Miranda?|
|00:28:23||I'm Samantha. I have sex with everyone.|
|00:28:27||Maybe it's a good thing that they're here.|
|00:28:29||You know what I mean?
Maybe this is a challenge from God|
|00:28:32||for me to forget her. You know?|
|00:28:34||Or maybe it's a sign from God
that you should be with her.|
|00:28:39||I love her show.|
|00:28:41||When they mix the sexuality
and the violence, I like it.|
|00:28:45||What the hell is wrong with you two?
You gotta move on.|
|00:28:47||I hear you say that, but it's not that easy.|
|00:28:50||It's that easy. Promise you it is.|
|00:28:52||I lived in South Central.|
|00:28:54||South Central. And I hated it.|
|00:28:57||That's why I moved to Oahu.|
|00:28:58||Now I can name you
over 200 different kinds of fish.|
|00:29:00||- No, you can't.
- Oh, yes, I can.|
|00:29:02||- Do it.
- Yeah, you cannot.|
|00:29:04||G. Ghost pipefish, grill fish, goaler fish
grouper fish, greenback...|
|00:29:09||What's the state fish of Hawaii?|
|00:29:12||- Yeah, bitch.
|00:29:15||- You ready?
- Yeah, just gonna close up.|
|00:29:20||Hello, Mr Bretter, Mr Brayden.
Where's your wife, sir?|
|00:29:25||She is in bed.|
|00:29:27||How are things going with the lady?|
She's complicated, like The Da Vinci Code,|
|00:29:34||you know, but harder to crack.|
|00:29:38||But life is full of lessons.
You learn something new every day.|
|00:29:44||Wonder what I'm going to learn tomorrow.|
|00:29:50||- Good night, sir.
- Good night.|
|00:29:51||Good night, sir.|
|00:29:52||Off to find the mythical clitoris.|
|00:29:56||So, Peter, were you able to get
that crying lady out of your room?|
|00:30:03||'Cause I could send someone up,
if you want.|
|00:30:05||- Oh, you could?
|00:30:07||That's very funny. It is.|
|00:30:11||Well, listen, Sarah Marshall Show sucks.
|00:30:15||I do the music for that programme.|
|00:30:19||Did I mention that the music rocks?|
|00:30:23||That's very sweet of you.
That's very sweet of you to say.|
|00:30:27||You don't have to say that, though.
It's not music.|
|00:30:29||There's no melody, it's just tones.|
|00:30:32||Just dark, ominous tones.|
|00:30:36||"The masturbating dog killer
is on the loose again.|
|00:30:39||"He'll kill the owner,
but at least the dogs are happy. "|
|00:30:49||I'm no Aldous Snow, I guess, you know.|
Time to start the music|
|00:30:59||All gonna light the light|
|00:31:02||Yeah, yeah, gonna get things started
on The Muppet Show tonight|
|00:31:13||- Whipped cream or berry?
- Whipped cream.|
|00:31:18||Here we are, sir. Have a wonderful breakfast.|
|00:31:21||What a lovely table, so close to the buffet.|
|00:31:24||I'm glad you like it. Mahalo. |
|00:31:30||Good morning, sir.
Can I start you with anything?|
|00:31:32||Orange juice, coffee?|
|00:31:34||What about, like, some pineapple juice
with a little bit of rum on the side.|
|00:31:37||Of course. I like your style. Cocktail guy.|
|00:31:41||- Thank you.
- You are welcome.|
|00:31:43||We've already reserved
the sea kayak for noon.|
|00:31:45||Honey, I know that,
but you know that I wanted to see...|
|00:31:48||- Hey. Hello there, friend.
|00:31:52||How are you guys? How was your evening?|
|00:31:56||- I can't feel anything.
- All right.|
|00:31:59||- Does that feel good?
- I still can't feel anything.|
|00:32:02||Okay, 'cause it hurts me.|
|00:32:04||- Would you do that for me?
- No, no, no. No.|
|00:32:12||God put our mouths on our head
for a reason. No!|
|00:32:17||- I'm going to the bathroom.
|00:32:21||- Is everything okay with...
|00:32:29||- Here you go, sir. Breakfast of champions.
- Oh, thank you.|
|00:32:33||And don't tell anybody, but...
A little extra love for you.|
|00:32:40||- Take it easy.
- You, too.|
|00:32:57||This is the yoga place, yeah?|
|00:32:59||Yes. But there's no alcohol allowed
in the studio.|
|00:33:03||Oh, no, I mean, obviously.
This is just pineapple juice.|
|00:33:08||Well, there's no outside drinks
allowed in the studio.|
|00:33:13||- Can I set it down?
|00:33:14||- Cool, thank you.
- I like your hat.|
|00:33:16||- Thank you.
- Please remove it before class.|
why don't you all grab your mats?|
|00:33:27||Sorry, I recognise you from the cover
of Namaste Magazine. I'm a huge fan. |
|00:33:32||Thank you. That's so sweet of you to say.|
|00:33:34||I appreciate that.
Obviously, I don't do yoga for recognition.|
|00:33:38||Right, of course you wouldn't.
Then stop being so good at it.|
|00:33:44||That's very flexible. That's nice.|
|00:33:49||- And, you, I recognise you from your show.
- Thank you.|
|00:33:52||You seem much taller on your show.|
|00:33:55||- I'm not.
- No, I know.|
|00:34:00||Okay, if you just wanna start
by bringing your palms into your chest.|
|00:34:03||Today we're gonna start with
the Surya Namaskar, or Sun Salutation.|
|00:34:07||Let's take a deep inale in.|
|00:34:10||Exhale and release the hands.|
|00:34:12||Inale, arms up to the sky. Continue.|
|00:34:16||Good, exhale and folding forward.|
|00:34:19||Strong, strong backs. Good, excellent.|
|00:34:24||Remember this is not a competition,|
|00:34:26||although you two seem
to be the best in the class.|
|00:34:28||Excellent. Perfect form, you two, perfect.|
|00:34:31||Coming up into downward-facing dog.|
|00:34:34||Good. It's really important in this pose,|
|00:34:36||that you arch your back
and keep it flat at the same time.|
|00:34:40||I feel like those are opposing ideas.|
|00:34:43||No, they're not, 'cause you're arching
your back up while it's flat.|
|00:34:50||Good, yeah, sweat it out.
Sweat out all the toxins from this morning.|
|00:34:55||- Come on, lady.
- My name is Prana,|
|00:34:57||and I know that wasn't just juice.|
|00:35:00||You don't really need any adjusting,
so I'm just gonna do this for myself.|
|00:35:05||Just to learn from your body,|
|00:35:07||memorize your body.|
|00:35:10||- Good. Strong legs.
- Come on.|
|00:35:13||Perfect skin and form.|
|00:35:16||Okay, class, I'd like to now
move into a tripod headstand.|
|00:35:19||This is more of an advanced pose,|
|00:35:21||so if you don't feel comfortable
or strong enough,|
|00:35:24||please feel free to just lay on your mat
in child's pose.|
|00:35:28||I got it.|
|00:35:29||All right, so let's all come down to our mats.|
|00:35:33||Get in a prep position
for the tripod headstand.|
|00:35:36||If you don't feel comfortable,|
|00:35:37||there's no shame
in just laying on your mat in child's pose.|
|00:35:40||Lady, I got it.|
|00:35:42||Good, so let's prep to come up. Good.|
|00:35:46||Sir, if you just want to lay down
in child's pose.|
|00:35:49||Now, you all heard me say,|
|00:35:51||"If you want to be in child's pose,
that's okay. "|
|00:35:54||- Just in case he gets hurt.
- Bring it, bring it.|
|00:35:56||I don't want you to break your neck.|
|00:35:58||- What's up?
- Just relax.|
|00:36:00||My legs, that's what.|
|00:36:02||We're doing quiet headstands today.|
|00:36:04||I'm doing a handstand, motherfucker!
I'm doing a handstand.|
|00:36:07||Okay, you know, why don't we just release.|
|00:36:11||Good, everybody. Good.|
|00:36:19||Are you Chuck?|
|00:36:21||Oh, man, you know,
they won't change that flyer.|
|00:36:24||That's my mainland name.
My Hawaiian name is Koonu.|
|00:36:29||No, it's all good.|
|00:36:31||Does Koonu have some, like,
cool Hawaiian meaning?|
|00:36:34||It means Chuck.|
|00:36:36||I plugged it into a database.|
|00:36:37||There's a thing you can go on,
on the Internet, you just type in your name,|
|00:36:41||and it just says it.|
|00:36:44||What's your name?|
|00:36:45||- I'm Peter.
- I'm gonna give you a Hawaiian name.|
- Pepiopi, looks like you've got a little pain|
|00:36:59||behind those eyes.|
|00:37:02||Yeah, maybe a little.|
|00:37:05||There's really only one cure for that.|
|00:37:08||Weed. You got any?|
- Well, then let's go surfing.|
|00:37:18||Okay, when we're out there,
I want you to ignore your instincts.|
|00:37:21||I'm gonna be your instincts.
Koonu will be your instincts.|
|00:37:24||Don't do anything.|
|00:37:26||Don't try to surf, don't do it.|
|00:37:29||The less you do, the more you do.|
|00:37:31||Let's see you pop up. Pop it up!|
|00:37:38||That's not it at all.|
|00:37:39||Do less. Get down. Try less. Do it again.|
|00:37:45||No, too slow. Do less.|
|00:37:49||You're doing too much. Do less. Pop down.|
|00:37:52||Pop up now.|
|00:37:53||Stop! Get down. Get down there.|
|00:37:55||Remember, don't do anything.|
|00:37:57||Nothing. Pop up.|
|00:38:02||Well, you... No, you gotta do more than that,|
|00:38:03||'cause you're just laying right out.|
|00:38:05||It looks like you're boogie-boarding.|
|00:38:06||Just do it. Feel it. Pop up.|
|00:38:09||Yeah. That wasn't quite it,
but we're gonna figure it out, out there.|
|00:38:12||Let's go surfing, come on.|
|00:38:14||Everybody's learning how, come on and...|
|00:38:16|| The weather outside is weather|
|00:38:20||How long you lived out here?|
|00:38:22||Man, I don't know. I quit wearing a watch
when I moved out here.|
|00:38:25||- Wow, that's so cool.
|00:38:27||No, like my cell phone has a clock on it,
so I don't really need it.|
|00:38:32||Right, so it's basically the same thing.|
|00:38:35||- How old are you?
- I don't really believe in age or numbers,|
|00:38:38||you know, I don't...
I mean, if you had to put a number on it,|
|00:38:41||I guess I'd be 44.|
|00:38:48||Thanks for taking me out here.|
|00:38:51||This is the first time I've felt good
in three weeks or so.|
|00:38:54||You need to get back on that board
is what you need to do.|
- Hey, here's the deal.|
|00:38:59||When life gives you lemons,|
|00:39:01||just say, "Fuck the lemons," and bail.|
|00:39:03||Yeah. No. You said it, totally.|
|00:39:06||You gotta just pull yourself up
by your wetsuit,|
|00:39:08||get back on that board...|
|00:39:09||Hey, look, man,
if you're attacked by a shark,|
|00:39:11||are you gonna give up surfing?|
|00:39:14||Let's go in, all right. Tacos are on me.|
|00:39:18||Can you try to listen
to what I'm saying to you, Brian?|
|00:39:20||I'm confused and I don't know what to do.|
|00:39:23||What's up with that hat?|
|00:39:24||What are you
in the Buena Vista Social Club?|
|00:39:27||This is a nice hat.|
|00:39:28||What member of the Brat Pack are you?|
|00:39:31||You look like one of those guys
suspected of killing JFK.|
|00:39:34||That's very funny. That's great.|
|00:39:36||Tell him to make friends. |
|00:39:39||You need to get out there
and make some friends, man. |
|00:39:41||Is Liz there right now?|
|00:39:43||No, no, she's not in here, buddy. |
|00:39:45||I just heard her.|
|00:39:46||She's gone. |
|00:39:48||Who are you looking at?|
|00:39:52||Is she still... Hi, Liz.|
|00:39:53||No. I swear on my mother's grave, it...
Okay, it was Liz. |
|00:39:58||She wasn't here the entire time. |
|00:40:00||Go out and meet people.
We meet people all the time... |
|00:40:02||- All the time on vacation.
- Constantly. |
|00:40:03||I've tried, all right,
there's a couple of dudes here,|
|00:40:07||but they're kind of weird.|
|00:40:09||Just be friendly. |
|00:40:11||Iron your shirt. |
|00:40:12||Iron your shirt, look sharp. |
|00:40:14||Even your T-shirts. |
|00:40:16||There is this girl at the front desk
who's pretty cute.|
|00:40:19||Oh, yeah. You know what?
Go have another dirty one night stand. |
|00:40:22||That worked out so well before. |
|00:40:24||What do you want from me?
You just told me I need to meet people.|
|00:40:27||Ask her out.
Maybe that's what he needs, is a rebound. |
|00:40:30||He's had plenty of chances
for rebounds. This isn't... |
|00:40:32||Can we get on the same team here?|
|00:40:33||Okay, I'm sorry.
We're on the same team. Sorry. |
|00:40:37||You should go on a date with this girl. |
|00:40:39||Well, maybe I'll ask her out then.|
- My wife says so. |
|00:40:43||- Hey, I'm in Hawaii, too!
Oh, that's neat. |
|00:40:49||That's very cool.|
|00:40:54||They're not Native Americans, Brian.|
- What are you doing?|
|00:41:00||- The luha. Is that right?
- Oh, yeah. |
|00:41:02||It's called the hula. |
- No, hula. |
|00:41:05||You're doing a luau?|
|00:41:25||You look beautiful.
I mean, that's a beautiful dress.|
|00:41:28||- Thank you.
|00:41:29||This'll be fun.|
|00:41:37||May I help you with something else, Peter?|
|00:41:40||No, I'll just grab a drink.
I'm just gonna head inside.|
|00:41:42||- Happy 4th of July!
- Thank you.|
|00:42:01||- You done here?
- No, actually, I just sat down,|
|00:42:03||I'm just getting started.
It's delicious, though, thank you.|
|00:42:05||I'll just go fuck myself.|
|00:42:07||- Sorry, what?
- Mahalo. |
|00:42:15||Hey. Hey, bro.|
- Hey, all right.|
|00:42:21||Excuse me. Excuse me.|
|00:42:22||Everybody, can I have your attention
for one second, please.|
|00:42:26||We have a very special guest
with us here, today.|
|00:42:29||He is the lead singer
of the band, Infant Sorrow,|
|00:42:34||one of my favourite musicians of all time.
He's so awesome.|
|00:42:38||Please, please, let's take...|
|00:42:41||Let's see if we can get him up here,
Mr Aldous Snow. Please, come on.|
|00:42:46||Share your gift.|
|00:42:47||Duty calls and all that.|
|00:42:49||I'm trying to be incognito, it's weird.
It's like work to me, this is no fun.|
|00:42:53||Hey! Thank you!|
What a lovely introduction.|
|00:43:06||What an eccentric and confident young man.|
|00:43:08||I'd like to dedicate this song
to a very beautiful woman that's here today.|
|00:43:12||It's Miss Sarah Marshall, there she is.|
|00:43:15||Look at her, blimey!|
|00:43:25|| Old as ancient skies|
|00:43:28||I've had these wandering eyes|
|00:43:31||but you took me by surprise|
|00:43:34||when you let me inside you|
|00:43:43||This went from 6:00 to midnight.|
|00:43:44||Teach me how to grow
while I'm moving inside of you|
|00:43:50||Inside of you|
|00:43:53||- Inside you
- Inside you|
|00:43:57||I long to be, is it wrong to be|
|00:44:00||inside of you|
|00:44:03||Inside of you the restless find their dreams|
|00:44:09||Inside of you this king has found his queen|
|00:44:21||You're from the breakfast buffet, right?|
- Whipped cream or berries?|
|00:44:23||Yeah. Yeah, I'm Peter.|
|00:44:27||- Good to meet you, man.
- Good to meet, you, man.|
|00:44:30||- Have a beer.
- Thanks. Thank you.|
|00:44:39||How do you know
I was dating Sarah Marshall?|
|00:44:41||Dwayne told me. Chuck told me.|
|00:44:44||Even Rachel told me.|
|00:44:46||I heard about it from everybody.
You gotta stop talking about it.|
|00:44:50||It's like The Sopranos. |
|00:44:54||Find a new show.|
|00:44:57||You need a hug.|
|00:45:02||Oh, thank you.|
|00:45:04||You're awfully nice.|
|00:45:07||I gotta go.
I'm prepping the pig for tomorrow's luau. |
|00:45:10||You should come and help me.
It'll take your mind off of things.|
|00:45:13||- Yeah? You don't mind?
|00:45:15||I mean, I must say I'm a pretty good cook.|
|00:45:23||I can't! Please don't make me do this!|
|00:45:27||I'm sorry! I'm sorry!|
|00:45:34||You can stop crying now.|
|00:45:36||He's dead already.|
|00:45:38||I'm not crying.|
|00:45:40||You should stop crying.|
|00:45:41||I don't cry. I'm not a baby.|
'Cause you look like a gigantic baby.|
|00:45:46||I'm sorry. I didn't mean that at all.|
|00:46:00||Listen, would you like to hang out tonight,
like, not in an official hotel function?|
|00:46:06||A bunch of us are going to go to this,
like, little beach thing afterwards.|
|00:46:08||You're totally welcome to come.|
|00:46:11||Maybe we could go together?|
|00:46:15||I mean we don't have to,
if you don't want to,|
|00:46:16||I just thought that maybe...|
you don't have to make this weird.|
|00:46:19||You either want to go or you don't.|
|00:46:22||- I would love to.
|00:46:25||Awesome. Why don't you go upstairs,
change that shirt,|
|00:46:27||and I'll meet you out front in, like, five?|
|00:46:40||- This is so cool.
- You like it?|
|00:46:56||So what brought you to Hawaii?|
|00:47:00||- A dude.
- Of course.|
|00:47:02||A surfer dude. You know, WCT, top 44.|
|00:47:12||We were together for two years.|
|00:47:15||Dropped out of school,
moved out here with him.|
|00:47:17||Three weeks later,
I caught him cheating on me,|
|00:47:20||so I moved out, and that's that.|
|00:47:23||What an asshole.|
|00:47:25||No, he's just a boy.|
|00:47:30||You ever think about going back home,
finishing school, or...|
|00:47:37||No. I work at the hotel,|
|00:47:40||doesn't really have to be a future in there.|
|00:47:44||Okay, my turn.|
|00:47:47||So, how do you like
writing music for a TV show?|
|00:47:55||It's great, you know. People are great.|
|00:47:57||It's great to have a steady paycheque.
It's... I'm very lucky.|
|00:48:00||Oh, my God, you hate it.|
|00:48:01||I fucking hate it so much.|
|00:48:04||So then, do something about it.|
|00:48:11||I'm just saying, if you hate something,
|00:48:14||- Don't dwell.
- Well, I'm trying.|
|00:48:18||I'm actually working on a rock opera.|
|00:48:25||What's your rock opera about?|
|00:48:32||Yeah, and eternal love, you know.
That's the theme.|
|00:48:35||But I think the two sort of go hand in hand,
|00:48:42||I have this vision of doing it with puppets.|
|00:48:48||I mean, humans also, you know.|
|00:48:54||Because he's a man like anyone else.
He just wants to be loved.|
|00:48:58||And every time he gets close
to a human woman,|
|00:49:00||he ends up smothering and killing her,|
|00:49:01||which is a feeling I am familiar with.|
|00:49:04||What? That's just a joke.|
|00:49:06||- Oh, shit.
|00:49:09||My ex. If I run, you run.|
|00:49:13||- Do you understand?
- No, I don't understand at all.|
|00:49:15||Fucking motherfucker! Dipshit!|
|00:49:17||Rachel, what are you doing?|
|00:49:18||I thought I told you
to stay back on your island.|
|00:49:20||Take it easy, just take it easy.|
|00:49:21||Yeah, you know what?
The deal was over April 9.|
|00:49:22||Well, the deal's back on, motherfucker.|
|00:49:25||You ain't the chief in this village.
I'm the chief.|
|00:49:27||Of the idiots?|
|00:49:28||Rachel, let me handle this. I know his friend.
Let me handle this, okay?|
|00:49:33||Hey, man, you remember me from breakfast?|
|00:49:35||- Oh, yeah, the cocktail guy, that's right.
|00:49:38||This ain't the breakfast buffet.
What, you with my girl?|
|00:49:41||Keeping her warm for me at night, huh?|
|00:49:44||Hey, what are you doing here?|
|00:49:50||That's right. Just hit him!|
|00:49:51||Rachel, we gotta get out of here. Rachel?|
|00:49:53||You get what you deserve.|
|00:50:07||Just a boy?
No, that dude was a fucking man.|
|00:50:10||No, no, no. He's an asshole.
I can't believe I ever dated him.|
|00:50:15||- You went nuts.
|00:50:17||You guys are dysfunctional.|
|00:50:21||You were like one of those girls
from Flavour of Love. |
|00:50:23||- From what?
- You were.|
|00:50:25||"I'll kill you. I'll kill you. "|
|00:50:28||Okay, I'm gonna go get us another round.|
|00:50:30||I'll grab it. It's no big deal.|
|00:50:32||You don't have to dote on me.
I'm not that type of girl.|
|00:50:48||You look so hot.|
|00:50:50||Give me Crime Scene.
Give me dirty Crime Scene girl. |
|00:50:52||André the Giant, out of the shot, please.|
|00:50:55||Mutombo, out of the shot, come on.|
|00:51:25||Did you know that there's a picture
of you flashing,|
|00:51:29||hanging in the men's room?|
|00:51:30||Yeah. I hate it so much.|
|00:51:33||My jackass boyfriend made me do it.|
|00:51:36||Keoki took it, right there.|
|00:51:38||And I asked him to take it down,|
|00:51:41||but he said that it would ruin
the balance of the collage.|
|00:51:45||Do you want me to try
to get it down for you?|
|00:51:47||No. No, no, no, he'll kill you.
Like, really kill you.|
|00:51:53||But I have a surprise for you.|
|00:51:57||We're gonna take a quick break.|
|00:51:58||Tonight we have a special guest
from the mainland,|
|00:52:00||singing a song from his Dracula musical,|
|00:52:03||please welcome to the stage,
Mr Peter Bretter.|
|00:52:10||Yeah! Go get them, tiger!|
- Dracula! Peter!|
|00:52:36||You know, I could play something else.|
|00:52:38||I just think out of context this might be...|
|00:53:05|| It's getting kind of hard to believe
things are going to get better|
|00:53:11||I've been drowning too long to believe
that the tide's going to turn|
|00:53:19||And I've been living too hard to believe
things are going to get easier now|
|00:53:26||I'm still trying to shake off the pain
from the lessons I've learned|
|00:53:33||And if I see Van Helsing, I swear to the lord
I will slay him|
|00:53:41||Take it from me, but I swear
I won't let it be so|
|00:53:47||Blood will run down his face
when he is decapitated|
|00:53:54||His head on my mantle
is how I will let this one know|
|00:53:59||How much I love you|
|00:54:40||So, I had a really, really great time tonight.|
- Yeah. I mean, it got a little wild.|
|00:54:45||- "A little"? You can say that.
|00:54:47||But it was really fun,
and you're so cool, and it was...|
|00:54:50||Thank you for taking me out.|
|00:54:52||No, I had a great time. Thank you.|
|00:54:55||- You did?
|00:55:03||I'm sorry, I just... I don't...
I just don't wanna complicate things.|
|00:55:07||- No, of course!
|00:55:09||No, no, no. Totally. I totally get that.|
|00:55:12||- I had a great time.
- A handshake?|
|00:55:14||- Well, I don't know. Okay.
- All right, all right.|
|00:55:18||- All right. Get home safe.
- You, too.|
|00:55:23||- Thanks again.
I'm on a hammock with me lady|
|00:55:36||Watching the sea roll by|
|00:55:42||Things have been great now|
|00:55:45||'Cause we're in Hawaii|
|00:55:52||Hey, man. I'm Koonu.|
|00:55:55||Yeah. No, I remember. I'm Peter.
We took a surf lesson together.|
|00:55:59||Yeah, you're that guy
that works with Kaiser Permanente.|
|00:56:02||No, I'm Peter.
We had a nice talk out on the water.|
|00:56:10||Okay, can I just say something?|
|00:56:12||- I went on a date tonight with Rachel, right?
- That wasn't a date.|
|00:56:15||She's in customer service, dude.|
|00:56:17||She took you out for charity.|
|00:56:20||It was a date, okay? Trust me.
I know a date, and that was a date.|
|00:56:24||I bet you think strippers like you, too.|
|00:56:25||- That's really not necessary.
- It's true.|
|00:56:28||Don't waste your time, man.
Believe me, it is a nowhere road. I know.|
|00:56:31||Did you see her ex-boyfriend?
He is ridiculous.|
|00:56:34||Who, Greg? I love Greg, man.|
|00:56:37||I saw him beat up a guy with a starfish.|
|00:56:40||- Okay, that's just ridiculous.
- That guy was me.|
|00:56:43||Dude, my homie over here,
on his honeymoon?|
|00:56:46||Getting as much sex
as he possibly can ever have.|
|00:56:48||Are you giving to her
hard and rough, dude?|
|00:56:53||The wife wants me to do certain things
that I find inappropriate.|
|00:56:59||Let me just say
that if God was a city planner,|
|00:57:02||he would not put a playground
next to a sewage system.|
|00:57:08||We're trying to fuck,
but we're not having fun fucking.|
|00:57:12||We're just, like...
I'm stabbing her private parts,|
|00:57:19||and it's not fun, and it causes anxiety.
|00:57:22||And then when you're not fucking...|
|00:57:24||- Hey, someone's gotta stop him.
- You're the butt of a joke.|
|00:57:27||Fucking this ring is...|
|00:57:31||It's gonna be all right.|
|00:57:38||Hi, do you wanna come back to bed?|
|00:57:47||I like her hair.
I wonder if the carpet matches her pubes.|
|00:58:00||Julian, what's up?|
|00:58:17||The show's been cancelled.|
|00:58:19||That's good, 'cause that's what you wanted.|
|00:58:21||Yeah. Yeah, it is.|
|00:58:25||It's just... I guess
I thought we had another year left.|
|00:58:30||It seems like we did, and... This'll be good,|
|00:58:32||'cause it's been a long-awaited transition
into film for me.|
|00:58:36||Don't get me wrong, but it's just...
It's a surprise.|
|00:58:39||Come on tour with me.|
|00:58:41||I'll serenade you every night
in front of thousands of women.|
|00:58:46||I didn't know you were going on tour.|
|00:58:48||Yeah, I'm going in two weeks.|
|00:58:49||It's like an 18-month tour,
43 countries, Infant Sorrow,|
|00:58:53||and it's gonna be a massive tour.|
|00:58:55||Yeah. I can't come 'cause I have a job.
I'm a working actress.|
|00:59:00||Not any more.|
|00:59:02||You're an unemployed actress, perfect.|
|00:59:05||You could be the queen of the groupies,
queen of the Sorrow Suckers.|
|00:59:10||The Sorrow Suckers.|
I don't know why they call them that.|
|00:59:16||Mr and Mrs Snow, sorry.
Sorry to bother you.|
|00:59:20||The hotel wanted to offer you
some complimentary coconut cake.|
|00:59:22||It's from the hotel.
It's definitely not from me personally, so...|
|00:59:28||- Yeah, thanks.
- Okay, great.|
|00:59:30||When were you planning on telling me this?|
|00:59:33||- I just told you, then.
- Yeah. No, I know.|
|00:59:37||But telling me now
isn't really the same as telling me.|
|00:59:42||Well, look, you know,
I've not told you I've got genital herpes,|
|00:59:45||because it's not inflamed at the moment.|
|00:59:47||Do you guys want some champagne
with your cake,|
|00:59:49||or do you want it without your cake?|
|00:59:51||I don't drink.|
|01:00:00||All right, so I came here
to give you my demo. I just...|
|01:00:04||I worship you,
and I just wanted to give you my demo.|
|01:00:08||Just take a listen and...|
|01:00:13||'Cause you know what?
You don't wanna be the guy sitting there,|
|01:00:16||watching BBC, and saying,|
|01:00:18||"Oh, I saw that guy! He was my waiter,|
|01:00:22||"and I totally dismissed him
like everyone else does in his life.|
|01:00:26||"And I totally was wrong,|
|01:00:28||"because he's a major, major,
major influence on me now,|
|01:00:32||"and I feel terrible!"|
|01:00:37||That stupid English voice, was that me?|
|01:00:44||You're really gonna like it.|
|01:00:47||I'll listen to it when you've gone.|
|01:00:56||Hey, look, just don't tell anyone at the hotel.|
|01:01:08||- What's up, dude?
- What's up?|
|01:01:10||Peter, I got some really interesting news
|01:01:15||Aldous gave you gonorrhoea?|
|01:01:17||No. Why would I tell you that?|
|01:01:20||Crime Scene was cancelled. |
|01:01:29||- You all right?
- Yeah. Yeah.|
|01:01:33||I mean, I've been waiting
to take the next step,|
|01:01:36||you know, into features for a long time,
so it's a really good thing.|
|01:01:39||This isn't The View. I mean, we can have
an honest talk about this if we want. |
|01:01:45||I don't wanna step out of the spotlight
and then be forgotten.|
|01:01:48||I don't wanna disappear. I'm freaked out.|
|01:01:51||I wanna be honest.
I'm really freaked out right now, okay?|
|01:01:54||Because, seemingly, the only actresses
that actually can survive|
|01:01:58||are the ones that show their cooter,
and, excuse me, but I refuse to do that.|
|01:02:01||I have a little dignity.|
|01:02:02||And I don't have the frame
to support plastic surgery. I would tip over.|
|01:02:05||And I'm not gonna do that.
I'm not gonna exploit myself.|
|01:02:08||Listen, you're gonna be fine.
You have a long career ahead of you.|
|01:02:12||You've got, like, four years until you're 30.|
|01:02:16||It's gonna be fine.|
|01:02:21||- How are you?
- I'm screwed.|
|01:02:24||Frankly, I don't stand a chance.
No, I'll be fine.|
|01:02:30||I've been quietly stealing money
from you for a long time.|
|01:02:35||You're always good at cheering me up,
Pete, thank you.|
|01:02:55||It's really good, Peter.
I just don't understand it. I don't.|
|01:02:59||I mean, just chalk it up to that.
Please don't play it again, 'cause I don't...|
|01:03:02||Just listen to it one more time and see...|
|01:03:09||- Mr Snow, may I ask you a question?
|01:03:12||I want to please my wife here,
on our honeymoon,|
|01:03:15||but I don't know what I'm doing.|
|01:03:16||You having difficulty sex-wise?|
|01:03:18||- Do you not know how to use this?
- I know how.|
|01:03:20||- Have you had sex before?
- We can't.|
- Our religion.|
|01:03:25||Right, 'cause of God and everything?|
|01:03:26||Hey, that's not gonna be a problem,|
|01:03:27||because God should be present
in the bedroom.|
|01:03:30||Just tell me specifically what I need to do.|
|01:03:32||You need to penetrate deeply
and stimulate the clitoris simultaneously.|
|01:03:35||That's what you gotta do.
That's what it's about.|
|01:03:37||If you can involve the anus in that,
then that's absolute perfection.|
|01:03:41||Explore her ears.|
|01:03:43||Find it in you to be a little more circly.|
|01:03:47||You are a man.|
|01:03:48||God's within you.|
|01:03:49||I actually feel okay about it.|
|01:03:51||You know, I'm a little scared,
but I'll be all right. I'll get another job.|
|01:03:53||That's interesting, man.
You know what else is interesting?|
- Me on the moon. |
|01:03:59||I just wanna talk to you about something.
Can you stop?|
|01:04:01||- All right, I'm just gonna talk, and then...
|01:04:04||There was this interesting moment
|01:04:06||Whoa, what? I don't wanna hear about
your interesting moment with Sarah, Pete. |
|01:04:09||Then who am I supposed to talk to
|01:04:11||Well, not me, because have I ever had
an interesting moment with an ex-girlfriend?|
|01:04:15||- Do you have an ex-girlfriend? No!
- No. |
|01:04:18||LIZ: No. |
|01:04:20||I would really love to get
the woman's perspective on the matter.|
- No. |
|01:04:25||But come on in and just sit down.|
|01:04:27||- Stay. You have to...
- Honey, no, no, the camera's right there. |
|01:04:29||No, I know,
but I just wanna tell him, though. |
|01:04:31||- No, the camera...
- Think about how much she's hurt you. |
|01:04:33||- Hey, Liz?
|01:04:35||I think you need to move just a tiny bit
further away from the microphone.|
- No, closer. |
|01:04:38||- Now a little further.
- Okay. |
- And then... |
|01:04:40||- And then a little further, and then closer.
- I don't know. |
|01:04:43||- Keep your head down, though.
- I'm bad at this thing. |
|01:04:45||- Can you hear me?
- Yeah, closer. Further away. |
|01:04:46||I know what you're doing.
That's not funny at all. |
|01:04:49||- You stop that.
|01:04:52||- What's he doing?
- Come on. Yeah, yeah, real funny. |
|01:04:55||Hey, that's a great necklace, Liz.|
|01:04:57||- Did you have that a second ago?
- Thank you!|
|01:05:01||- LIZ: I don't get it.
- Stop it. |
|01:05:02||- He's saying if I were to sperm on you...
|01:05:06||... it would be a pearl necklace.
|01:05:09||- Real funny.
- Sorry. |
|01:05:14||"And when I see Van Helsing,
I swear to the Lord, I'll slay him. "|
|01:05:21||That shit is funny, dude!|
|01:05:25||So I was gonna go over
to Lazy Joe's later tonight,|
|01:05:27||and I wanted to see
if you wanted to come and join.|
|01:05:31||I think I'm confused,
because I thought last night...|
|01:05:34||Oh, my God. Dude, get out of your head.
It's really nice out here.|
|01:05:38||Yeah, I bet it is.|
|01:05:41||All right, yeah. You know what?|
|01:05:42||I could totally use a friendly hangout, so...|
|01:05:45||I don't know if you want,
instead of Lazy Joe's,|
|01:05:46||I was thinking of going
to Laie Point right now.|
|01:05:49||I heard that place was a pain in the ass.|
Yo, what's up, guys?|
|01:05:57||We're just going for a hike.|
|01:05:58||No, you're not, you're going snorkelling.|
|01:06:01||I think we're gonna go on a hike.|
|01:06:02||It is sea turtle fucking season, dude.
|01:06:05||They fuck for three hours, dude.
I mean, that's magical.|
|01:06:09||- No, we're going on a hike.
- I think we'll go on a hike, yeah.|
|01:06:11||What? Your loss.|
|01:06:14||Why won't anybody
go snorkelling with me?|
|01:06:22||How you doing back there?|
|01:06:27||I don't think I've ever been
this covered in sweat before.|
|01:06:30||It's like I have some sort of fever.|
|01:06:32||I told you this was a pain in the ass.
Could've been at Lazy Joe's.|
|01:06:36||- Oh, yeah.
|01:06:40||- You good?
|01:06:45||Wow, we're really going
up to the edge of this, huh?|
|01:06:53||Wow, this is really beautiful.|
|01:06:58||All right, so now that your show's done,
are you gonna finish the Dracula musical?|
|01:07:03||It's not that easy, you know.|
|01:07:06||Sarah always thought it was crazy, and...|
|01:07:09||Well, you're definitely crazy.
But so is everyone, right? So who cares?|
|01:07:14||- I just don't feel like doing anything.
|01:07:17||'Cause my heart is broken,|
|01:07:19||and I can't imagine
doing anything right now.|
|01:07:21||It's probably the same reason
you don't go back to school, you know?|
|01:07:29||Maybe it's good we got hurt like that,
|01:07:32||I don't know about you,
but it makes me feel impervious to pain.|
|01:07:37||Yeah. Kind of like
there's nothing left to be afraid of.|
|01:07:41||- Yeah. No, exactly.
|01:07:44||We could leap off this rock,
and it won't hurt us as bad as they did.|
|01:07:50||So jump, then.|
|01:07:52||No, I meant that,
like, as a metaphor, you know?|
|01:07:54||No. Just do it.|
|01:07:59||You'll be fine. Jump.|
|01:08:08||What the hell?|
|01:08:12||Oh, God! Oh, God. I made her kill herself!|
|01:08:20||You must be crazy!|
|01:08:22||- So are you gonna jump or what?
|01:08:25||Come on, Peter!
I can see your vagina from here!|
|01:08:29||I can see your hoo-ha.|
|01:08:32||I mean, I'll jump!|
|01:08:34||Chicken! Come on!|
|01:08:52||Please, God, don't let me die today.|
|01:08:58||- I'm okay!
|01:08:59||- I'll just let go, right?
- No, no, no!|
|01:09:02||If you fall straight down,
you'd probably hit a rock and kill yourself!|
|01:09:10||So what do I do?|
|01:09:11||Why don't you press your feet
up against the rock,|
|01:09:14||and, like, shoot yourself off!|
|01:09:16||- What, like a frog?
- I don't know, Peter!|
|01:09:18||Just get off the fucking rock!|
|01:09:20||- Here I go!
|01:09:32||- Two and a half!
|01:09:49||Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!|
|01:09:53||- You saw that, right?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, I saw it!|
|01:09:55||I was there. I witnessed it.|
|01:10:14||You've got Christ between your thighs,|
|01:10:19||but with a shorter beard.|
- Aloha. |
- I'm cramping, I'm cramping.|
- Okay, okay.|
|01:10:37||Sorry. I knocked a bunch.|
|01:10:40||You were really out.
Ken sent me.|
|01:10:43||Dakota Fanning and her people,
they need this room.|
|01:10:46||She loves it here.|
|01:10:50||So does that mean I have to leave the hotel?|
|01:10:52||Ken found you a room.|
|01:10:55||I'll take it, yeah.
I wanna hang out with Rachel a little more.|
|01:11:00||Are those sad tissues or happy tissues?|
|01:11:07||Maybe you should just give me a minute.|
|01:11:13||It was the only room available!|
|01:11:16||I'm sure it was!|
|01:11:21||- Hey, how's it going?
- It's all right.|
|01:11:25||I think you got some pain behind
those eyes. A kind of pain that only...|
|01:11:29||Okay, you know what?
Let's cut the bullshit.|
|01:11:30||I wanna stand up on a wave before I leave.|
|01:11:33||I don't think you're ready yet, man.|
|01:11:35||- I'm ready to ride giants, Koonu.
- I think you're ready.|
|01:12:08||Miss Marshall, what can I do for you?|
|01:12:11||Is there a place
to get good sushi around here?|
|01:12:14||Yeah. Yeah, there's a really great place
about five minutes from here called Asuki.|
|01:12:20||- Do you want me to get you a map?
|01:12:23||So, this is where we are.|
|01:12:27||Head down Kamehameha,
and then pass Funaho Loko Marsh.|
|01:12:31||And it should be right to the left.|
|01:12:33||It might take, like, five minutes.|
|01:12:35||- Great. Thank you.
- Any time.|
|01:12:43||- I saw you with Peter Bretter...
|01:12:46||...who's my ex-boyfriend.|
|01:12:49||Oh, my God. I'm really sorry.|
- It's not like that at all.|
|01:12:54||- It's not what you're...
- No, it's fine.|
|01:12:55||I'm just really glad
you're keeping him company, 'cause...|
|01:12:58||- Gosh, no.
... you seem like a really nice person,|
|01:13:00||- and you're very pretty.
- Thank you.|
|01:13:03||Gosh, you're, like, way prettier.|
|01:13:06||No, you're, like, so pretty.|
- Wow, thank you. Thank you.|
|01:13:16||And one more thing about Peter.|
|01:13:18||He's a really good guy. Really good.
Like, great, actually.|
|01:13:31||Please don't cry, Miss Marshall.|
|01:13:34||God. Do you need me to get you a tissue?|
|01:13:37||Oh, no, I'm good, I'm good.
I'm okay, I'm okay.|
|01:13:44||- Thank you, Rachel.
- Any time, Miss Marshall.|
|01:13:57||Hey, ahoy, there!|
|01:14:00||You surf, too?|
|01:14:01||Good Lord, no.
I'm just drifting around, you know?|
|01:14:04||Getting in touch with the ocean and stuff.
It's really pleasant.|
|01:14:09||It was, yeah.|
|01:14:12||I'm gonna head in.|
|01:14:13||Before you go, actually, Peter,
I just wanted to tell you,|
|01:14:16||I was listening to Sarah's iPod
the other day,|
|01:14:18||and amidst the interminable dross
that's on that thing,|
|01:14:22||I found one track that I quite liked.|
|01:14:24||So I checked what it was,
and it was actually one of yours.|
|01:14:27||And it kind of reminded me of a dark,
gothic Neil Diamond. It's great.|
|01:14:33||That's, like, exactly what I'm going for.|
|01:14:44||Fuck, you're cool.|
|01:14:47||It's so hard to say,
because, like, I hate you in so many ways,|
I can see why Sarah likes you.|
|01:14:56||No accounting for taste, I suppose.
In her case, anyway.|
|01:15:00||She was with me for five years,
so there you go.|
|01:15:03||Yeah, you got four on me there, mate.|
|01:15:09||You slept with Sarah a year ago?|
|01:15:11||I thought you knew!
Peter, please, don't take it seriously.|
|01:15:16||- What the fuck, man! You've...
- Don't get offended by that.|
|01:15:19||You can't be so casual about this!|
|01:15:23||This isn't Europe, okay?
There are rules here.|
|01:15:24||I'm really sorry.
I apologise for offending you, Peter.|
|01:15:28||I just hope this doesn't ruin our friendship.|
|01:15:31||Well, what's that about?|
|01:15:33||What do you think it's about?
This is a big deal!|
|01:15:36||What about a code of the ocean?
That's not on.|
|01:15:37||What about codes among men?|
|01:15:38||You don't sleep
with another man's girlfriend!|
|01:15:39||- Think of...
- Get out of here!|
|01:15:41||- All right, okay! All right!
- Get out of here!|
|01:16:30||Koonu! This guy needs help! Koonu!|
|01:16:37||- Should I call the front desk?
- It hurts. It hurts.|
|01:16:40||Wow, you got coral right there in your leg!|
|01:16:43||Can you get it out of my leg, please,
|01:16:44||Can you do something about that?|
|01:16:45||I'd love to, you know, but hotel policy...
They don't let me do that kind of thing.|
|01:16:50||They get all weirded out. Insurance...|
|01:16:52||Koonu, can you call
the front desk for me, please?|
- It really hurts.|
|01:16:55||Koonu, call the front desk now!|
|01:16:58||Okay, monster man.|
|01:17:00||Pete, he's not gonna do nothing.|
|01:17:02||I kind of have this thing about blood, okay?|
|01:17:04||Look at it. It's raping my leg.
Peter, get it out of my fucking leg, please!|
|01:17:10||- You can't get it out.
- It's really in there.|
|01:17:12||- Get it out of me!
|01:17:15||Fuck my arse!|
|01:17:17||Okay, I got it. It's all done. It's all over.|
|01:17:20||Everything looks fine.|
|01:17:25||It's all good! They're coming wiki wiki. |
|01:17:28||Can you get some towels for me, please?
I'm really losing a lot of blood.|
|01:17:32||You sound like you're from London.|
|01:17:34||Yeah, I'm from London.|
|01:17:42||What's going on?|
I didn't want you to wake up by yourself.|
|01:17:48||- How's your friend? Is he all right?
|01:17:51||They gave him stitches,
and he's sleeping it off.|
|01:17:54||- Hey, you wanna hear something funny?
|01:17:56||Are you ready to laugh?
'Cause this is a gas.|
|01:18:00||Edward Scissorhands over there told me
that you two were fucking each other|
|01:18:03||for a whole God damn year
while we were together.|
|01:18:07||How about that, Sarah?|
|01:18:09||I'm sorry, Peter.|
|01:18:12||Pete, you shouldn't be up
and walking around. Can you please...|
|01:18:15||Please don't touch me.
Just don't touch me, okay?|
|01:18:17||I'm not touching you.|
|01:18:19||Will you just please sit? Please?|
|01:18:23||All right, I'll sit down,
but I'm sitting down 'cause I want to,|
|01:18:25||not because you've asked me to sit, okay?|
|01:18:39||Listen, I get it, okay? I just...|
|01:18:42||I need to understand what I did
to make you cheat. I just...|
|01:18:45||Pete, it's not anything you did.|
|01:18:51||You didn't do anything.
I mean, you were great.|
|01:18:55||Will you please cut the bullshit
and have a talk with me?|
|01:18:58||Fine. Cutting the bullshit.|
|01:19:03||It got really hard to keep taking care of you
when you stopped taking care of yourself.|
|01:19:05||I tried to get you out of the house.|
|01:19:06||I tried to get you off your little island
you loved so much, the couch.|
|01:19:11||You didn't wanna see the light of day!|
|01:19:13||God, there was one week
when you wore sweatpants! Every day.|
|01:19:22||You shall not pass!|
|01:19:27||You know what? If they were Sean John
sweatpants, it would have been fine.|
|01:19:30||But because they're Costco brand,
it's like the worst thing I could do.|
|01:19:33||That has nothing to do with it.
That's what you don't get.|
|01:19:37||I'm sorry that I didn't end up being
who we thought I was gonna be, you know?|
|01:19:41||I tried really hard. I promise you that.
I just didn't have it in me.|
|01:19:46||I think if you had just, maybe tried harder.|
|01:19:51||You have no idea how hard I tried, Peter.|
|01:19:53||I talked to a therapist.|
|01:19:55||I talked to my mother.
I read every book possible.|
|01:19:57||I took love seminars. I took sex seminars.|
|01:19:59||None of it worked.
None of it made a difference to you.|
|01:20:02||And I couldn't drown with you any more.|
|01:20:05||Don't you dare sit there
and tell me that I didn't try.|
|01:20:12||You were just too stupid to notice.|
|01:20:48||Whoa. I thought you were gonna wear
the shirt I got you.|
|01:20:53||I mean, I do love that shirt you got me.|
|01:20:56||I admire Sir Tommy Bahama an awful lot.|
|01:20:58||He's a talented man,
but tonight, I feel that this is appropriate.|
|01:21:07||Wow, thank you. Yeah, Sarah got it for me.|
|01:21:12||This is, like, way more convenient
than my backpack.|
Yeah, my girlfriend got it for me!|
|01:21:22||- I'm fucking with you!
|01:21:29||Sarah, can I use this lipstick, please?|
|01:21:37||Sure. I don't care.|
|01:21:42||I think it looks great.
But if you're not, let's go change.|
|01:21:44||No, I like it. I didn't like it at first.
Now I really think it's...|
|01:21:47||Oh, bloody hell. This is a small resort.|
|01:21:56||Aldous, Sarah, this is Rachel.|
|01:21:58||Sarah bought me this shirt.|
|01:22:01||I could've guessed that. Yeah.|
|01:22:02||- Looks great.
- You look great.|
|01:22:08||Mr Snow, I'm so sorry.
I did not know you guys were coming.|
|01:22:12||You're gonna have to wait five minutes.|
|01:22:13||I did not know you guys were coming.|
|01:22:14||It's okay. It's not a problem.|
|01:22:16||I didn't see you guys, so...|
|01:22:18||There's really no need to weep.|
|01:22:21||I'm not crying.|
|01:22:24||It's no problem, honestly.
It's not a problem.|
|01:22:27||- So, your table is ready, guys.
- Oh, great.|
|01:22:30||Hey, have a lovely evening, you two.|
|01:22:32||- Thank you. Have a great dinner, you guys.
- Thank you.|
|01:22:34||You're welcome to join us, obviously,
if you want.|
- Wouldn't dream of it. What?|
|01:22:39||- Oh, okay.
|01:22:41||That's great. Awesome.
|01:22:43||Great. I'll just set two more places.|
- Not a big deal.|
|01:22:47||So this is actually happening.
We're gonna let this happen.|
|01:22:52||I am so sorry.|
|01:22:53||I never thought in a million years
she would say yes.|
|01:22:57||What? I just accepted an invitation.
I didn't wanna be rude.|
|01:23:00||It's got us in a terrible situation.|
|01:23:02||Now I'm gonna have to sit with him
wearing this shirt all night.|
|01:23:04||You're wearing the shirt regardless.|
|01:23:06||Australia is amazing.|
|01:23:07||- I'm telling you. It is a great place to shoot.
|01:23:11||Rachel, you would love it.
You would love it.|
|01:23:14||I wanna go. I really, really wanna go there.|
|01:23:17||- Wait, so when's the movie coming out?
|01:23:20||It came out.|
|01:23:22||- It was already released.
|01:23:27||Well, you know, it's an island.|
- Movies don't really come out here.|
- Did you like it?|
|01:23:34||- The movie?
|01:23:37||- It was...
- Awful bloody film.|
|01:23:39||I say, it's just a ridiculous premise.|
|01:23:41||What would happen
if your mobile phone killed you?|
|01:23:50||I told her that when she read the script.|
|01:23:52||Yeah. You were the voice of reason, mate.|
|01:23:54||I tried to be, but she didn't listen.|
|01:23:55||Going around killing people.
A mobile phone, like, doing murders.|
|01:23:58||Why couldn't you just take the battery
out of the phone?|
|01:24:00||Right. That's it. The battle's over.|
|01:24:02||- Yeah, we've won.
I hated it.|
|01:24:04||Well, it's not for everyone, but it...|
|01:24:06||No, it's ridiculous. Here's my favourite scene.|
|01:24:11||Right. It would never happen.
|01:24:13||No, it could never happen.|
|01:24:14||It's a metaphor for addiction to technology.|
for how we're reliant on technology.|
|01:24:22||I get it. I'm with you.|
|01:24:23||It's a metaphor for a crap movie.|
|01:24:25||Well, it was the right choice
for me at the time.|
- You know?|
|01:24:41||Well, this is awkward.|
|01:24:49||- It's a bit more awkward now.
|01:24:51||Hey, excuse me.
Can we get another bottle of wine, please?|
- Thank you.|
|01:24:57||Can I get cranberry juice
with a bit of lime in it, please.|
|01:24:59||Do you want cranberry juice
or cranberry cocktail?|
|01:25:01||Because I can probably rustle up either one.
Throw some OJ...|
|01:25:03||I don't care.|
|01:25:16||Hey, can we get another bottle of wine?|
|01:25:28||If I've learned anything from addiction,
|01:25:30||you know, life is as brief
as the twinkling of a star over all too soon.|
|01:25:35||So if you're in a situation
where you're with a woman,|
|01:25:39||why not do the most interesting thing
that you can do in that situation?|
|01:25:40||And by which, I don't mean
have a conversation,|
|01:25:43||have a chin-wag, a bit of a chat.|
|01:25:44||Lose yourself in something
that's both ancient and perennial.|
|01:25:48||Find something eternal, perpetual.
Lose yourself in fuck.|
|01:25:54||I'm going to disagree.|
|01:25:56||Respectfully, of course, sir.|
|01:25:58||Maybe for you, that works.|
|01:26:00||For me, it's much more enjoyable
to get to know somebody.|
|01:26:03||If you end up sleeping with them,
|01:26:05||But I like getting to know somebody.|
|01:26:09||What he's saying is that
he's gonna stick it wherever he wants,|
|01:26:13||but he's joking.|
|01:26:15||I ain't. No, I'm not joking.|
|01:26:17||It's just what I believe, really.|
|01:26:23||Just so we're clear and so I can hone in
on your central thesis of the night,|
|01:26:28||wade through all the bullshit,|
|01:26:30||you're telling me
that you think you have the right|
|01:26:33||to just fuck anyone, anywhere, anytime?|
|01:26:35||- Yes. There it is. That's right.
- That's what you're saying?|
|01:26:37||Not so eloquently
as you just put it, sweetheart.|
|01:26:40||But ultimately, yes, that is...|
|01:26:42||Oh, no! Not the shirt!|
|01:26:44||Take my eyes, but not the shirt. Mmm.|
|01:26:48||Yeah, that's pretty much
what I believe, Sarah.|
|01:26:51||When you're done making jokes,
are you gonna get a napkin?|
|01:26:53||Do you know what? I think I've improved it,
actually, against all odds.|
|01:26:56||I think I deserve a design award.|
|01:26:57||Please get some seltzer water.|
|01:26:59||- Garçon, could we get some...
- I saw it from farther away.|
- Just lean back for a second.|
|01:27:05||No, it's all right. It's not there. Let me...|
|01:27:07||You're very diligent. I appreciate it.|
|01:27:09||Let go of the glass now.
You're gonna have to walk away.|
|01:27:11||Bless you. There you are.|
|01:27:13||Oh, me, oh, my.|
|01:27:15||- Call the doctor.
- Oh, good.|
|01:27:27||- I love Hawaii.
- Is it good?|
|01:27:29||Yeah, it's nice,
but I think for like a week tops.|
|01:27:33||Any more than that, I know I'd go crazy,|
|01:27:35||because I think that
Hawaii is a place to escape|
|01:27:39||for people who can't deal
with the real world.|
|01:27:44||Yeah, you know, there's so few
personal shoppers and pet therapists.|
|01:27:49||Gosh, it's such a hard life.|
|01:28:02||I like living here.|
|01:28:06||- Anyone need any more vino?
- I think we're good.|
|01:28:11||I've a question for you real quick, Mr S.|
|01:28:13||I was actually meaning to ask you,
what did you exactly think of my demo?|
|01:28:16||Did you get it? Did you get it?|
|01:28:18||Oh, no. I was gonna listen to that,|
|01:28:21||but then I just carried on living my life.|
|01:28:27||Not at all?|
|01:28:29||No, I didn't, because, you know,
I go on my instincts,|
|01:28:33||and they weren't good.|
|01:28:36||You know what, dude?
Fuck you, okay? You can go fuck yourself.|
|01:28:40||I can't yell right now because I'll get fired.|
|01:28:42||My boss will hear me,|
|01:28:43||and then I won't be able
to pay off my student loans.|
|01:28:45||But you know what? You're an asshole.
I fucking hate you.|
|01:28:48||I bought all your records.|
|01:28:49||This whole fucking time, I've been trying
to get you to come hang out with me.|
|01:28:52||I'm gonna have people fuck with your food
the rest of your trip, you fucking dick!|
|01:28:56||I like him. That was quite moving.|
|01:29:14||Wait, wait, wait.|
|01:29:16||Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.|
|01:29:18||Are you sure that you're not,
like, too drunk?|
|01:29:21||Jesus, would you stop being so sensitive.|
|01:29:54||- Aldous. Wake up.
|01:29:56||Make love to me.|
|01:30:00||All right. You go on top, though,
'cause I'm knackered.|
|01:30:29||- Oh, yes!
|01:30:33||- Yeah! Oh, God!
|01:30:40||- Right there!
- Yes! She's having an orgasm!|
|01:30:44||This is the best sex ever!|
|01:30:46||Yeah, all right, that'll do.|
|01:30:50||I made a mistake coming here with you.|
|01:30:56||And I'm not done either!|
|01:30:59||- Please shut up! Okay.
|01:31:01||You're still involved with him next door,
|01:31:05||You should've seen yourself
at dinner, Sarah.|
|01:31:07||Then we come back here,
and you put on that ghastly performance.|
|01:31:11||I mean, I've heard that
women do fake orgasms,|
|01:31:14||but I've never seen one.|
|01:31:16||It really deeply upset me.|
|01:31:18||You should have seen yourself at dinner.|
|01:31:21||"Oh, I'm Aldous
Snow. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.|
|01:31:25||"No, no drinks for me, thanks.|
|01:31:27||"Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. "|
|01:31:29||That's a really reductive impression.|
|01:31:31||If I wanted to see you act badly,
I'd just watch your TV show,|
|01:31:34||which, obviously, I can't now,
because it's been cancelled.|
|01:31:36||Oh, my God, you're such a prick.|
|01:31:38||And you know what?|
|01:31:40||Let me tell you something
about these tattoos, okay?|
|01:31:43||That is Buddhist. That is Nordic.
That is Hindu. That's just gibberish.|
|01:31:47||They are completely conflicting ideologies.|
|01:31:49||And that does not make you
a citizen of the world.|
|01:31:52||It makes you full of shit.|
|01:31:57||Was that genuine or did you fake that?|
|01:32:02||Right. I'm gonna probably clear off now.|
|01:32:06||I'll have a little sleep for a few hours,|
|01:32:07||then I'm gonna probably go
in the morning, okay?|
|01:32:16||I hate your music.|
I fucked the housekeeper the other day.|
|01:32:28||Are you sleeping?|
|01:32:30||Not any more.|
|01:32:37||I know that I'm leaving in a couple of days,
so I don't even know|
|01:32:44||what the hell this means,|
|01:32:49||but I really like spending time with you a lot.|
|01:32:55||I know. Me too.|
|01:33:17||Where are you going?|
|01:33:19||The Korean Textile Manufacturer's Luau.|
|01:33:22||- Just kill me.
|01:33:28||I want you to know
that I meant what I said last night.|
|01:33:33||I know you did.|
|01:33:35||I did, too.|
|01:33:39||- Can I see you again tonight?
|01:33:43||- I get off at 7:00.
|01:33:50||Sir, morning mai tai.|
|01:33:51||You know what?|
|01:33:53||I actually will not be having
an alcoholic beverage this morning.|
|01:34:25||Jump! Jump! Jump!
- Don't make me do it.|
|01:34:47||Hey. Morning, mate.|
|01:34:49||- How are you today?
- Yeah, I'm good. I'm good. You okay?|
|01:34:53||Am I okay? I'm better than okay, my friend.|
|01:34:55||You seem sprightly.|
|01:34:59||I had a great time last night.|
|01:35:01||- Congratulations. Well done. Well done.
- Thank you.|
|01:35:04||What about you? What's with the bag?|
|01:35:06||Right, yeah. I'm off back to England, mate.|
|01:35:09||Oh, you and Sarah are going to England.|
|01:35:11||No, no, no. I'm just going alone.|
- Did you guys have a fight or something?|
|01:35:16||Yeah, it was really... How you served
five years under her, I don't know.|
|01:35:20||You deserve a medal or a holiday
or at least a cuddle from somebody.|
|01:35:24||You were only here for a week.|
|01:35:26||Well, I don't know.
For me, that one week of it|
|01:35:28||was like going on holiday with,
I don't know, I wouldn't say Hitler,|
|01:35:33||but certainly Goebbels.
It was like a little holiday with Hitler.|
|01:35:38||Hey, listen, at least it's clear now
for you two to reconnect.|
|01:35:44||No, no. No.|
|01:35:46||You know what?
I have a good thing going on with Rachel,|
|01:35:49||and I want to see that through.|
|01:35:50||Well, maybe you could have both of them.
Rachel and Sarah.|
|01:35:54||They got on all right, didn't they, at dinner?
|01:35:57||You know what?
First of all, I'm not that kind of guy.|
|01:35:59||And even if I was, I don't think that I have
the sexual competency to really pull that off.|
|01:36:04||Yeah. It's a gift.|
|01:36:06||I will say,
if you do get back with Miss Marshall,|
|01:36:09||handle with care, because, you know...|
|01:36:14||Okay. Well, I think my ride's here.|
|01:36:15||So I'm gonna skedaddle then
before anything else happens to me.|
|01:36:18||Before life gets any more daft.|
|01:36:20||Is someone gonna take that?|
|01:36:21||Listen, don't let them grind you down.|
|01:36:25||Take it easy.|
|01:36:27||Hey, look at my driver.
I'm gonna have sex with her.|
|01:36:34||He said it was clear I wasn't over you.|
|01:36:39||And then he left.|
|01:36:44||And then I started thinking,
what if he's right?|
|01:36:48||What if I'm not over you?|
- Please just let me finish, Pete.|
|01:37:02||What if I made
a really, really horrible mistake?|
|01:37:13||Stop pulling my face towards your face.|
|01:37:17||You don't like it?|
|01:37:19||Listen, pulling my shirt towards you
is the same concept as pulling my face.|
|01:37:24||Let's spend one more night here together,
and then let's go home and then...|
|01:37:28||And we'll just pretend
like it never happened.|
|01:37:30||...face reality. No.
- That's the big plan?|
|01:37:32||No. I love you.|
|01:37:34||That's not fair.
That's not fair of you to say that to me.|
|01:37:43||- Tell me you're sorry.
- I'm so sorry.|
|01:37:49||I missed you.|
|01:38:00||God, I missed you, Peter.|
|01:38:11||Get hard for me, Pete. Get hard for me.|
|01:38:14||- I know what I'm supposed to do.
|01:38:17||Just do it. Come on. Get hard.|
|01:38:19||- I'm trying.
|01:38:21||- Here. Just let me do it for a second.
|01:38:25||I really want you, Peter. I missed you.|
|01:38:28||You don't want help?|
|01:38:30||- You don't want help? Uh-huh.
- Can you be quiet just for a minute?|
|01:38:33||Do you want my hands?|
|01:38:34||Maybe just don't talk for a second
is what I mean.|
|01:38:39||Do you want my mouth?|
|01:38:40||- Yeah, maybe your mouth.
- Yeah. Okay.|
|01:38:51||What's the problem, Peter?|
|01:38:54||- I don't know...
|01:38:56||You can keep trying if you want.|
|01:39:03||What's wrong with you?|
|01:39:05||- Nothing is wrong with me, okay?
|01:39:07||- No, I didn't...
- Just, something doesn't feel right any more.|
|01:39:09||Okay. Well, did you... You know what?|
|01:39:11||Did you drink today?
Because sometimes when you drink...|
|01:39:15||No, I haven't had anything to drink today.|
|01:39:20||Maybe the problem is that
you broke my heart into a million pieces,|
|01:39:25||and so my cock doesn't want
to be around you any more, okay?|
|01:39:32||Because you know what I just realised?
|01:39:34||You're the God damn devil. Okay?|
|01:39:42||Wedding in Hawaii! Real original!|
- Hey, Rachel.|
|01:40:00||- Sarah and Aldous broke up this morning.
- What a surprise.|
|01:40:03||So I went to check on Sarah, and...|
|01:40:08||Listen, I'm here
because I don't want to lie to you, okay?|
|01:40:11||Some stuff happened.|
|01:40:13||I'm really, really sorry that it did,|
|01:40:15||but I'm also really glad that it did, because|
|01:40:18||I'm able to see so clearly now
that Sarah and I are not right for each other.|
|01:40:27||I went up to make sure that she was okay,
and it got weird.|
|01:40:33||But now everything is fine.|
|01:40:35||And I need you to understand|
|01:40:36||that I meant everything that I said
to you this morning.|
|01:40:39||What exactly happened, Peter?|
|01:40:40||We fooled around a little bit.|
|01:40:42||Shut the fuck up,
and tell me exactly what you did.|
|01:40:47||All right. I went to her room,
and she was crying and crying and crying.|
|01:40:53||And I felt like I should comfort her.|
|01:40:55||And then she started kissing me
because I was comforting her.|
|01:40:58||And then the next thing I knew,
I was kissing her|
|01:41:00||because she had been kissing me
because of the comforting.|
|01:41:03||Then she started taking my clothes off,
and then her clothes were off.|
|01:41:10||Then she performed
10 to 15 seconds of oral sex on me.|
|01:41:13||Okay. Peter, you can leave now.|
|01:41:15||- At the most. Maximum.
- Thank you for staying at Turtle Bay.|
|01:41:18||Rachel, please don't do this.|
|01:41:19||The only reason I'm telling you this
is because I really care about...|
|01:41:21||Listen to me, Peter.|
|01:41:24||I was a mess, too. I understand. Okay?|
|01:41:27||But it does not excuse
you acting like a complete asshole.|
|01:41:30||Listen, I know that
I fucked things up for a minute,|
|01:41:33||but I'm not like every other asshole.|
|01:41:34||You should not be with anybody right now.|
|01:41:43||I know that there is something here.|
|01:41:45||I know that I was not wrong about that.|
|01:41:47||And, yes, it's only been four days,
but I know you feel it, too.|
|01:41:55||I need you to leave.|
|01:41:59||Do not write me. Do not call me.
Do not e-mail me.|
|01:42:09||Peter, I need you to go.|
|01:42:16||I won't bother you any more.|
|01:42:27||I don't know what to do.|
|01:42:37||Hey, brother, what you doing, huh?
You stealing my art?|
|01:42:39||I want you to put it back right now.
Put it back, bro!|
|01:42:42||Listen, give me the picture.|
You're throwing doo-doo paper?|
|01:42:47||Give me the picture.|
|01:42:51||Don't be stupid, brother.
Just give me the picture.|
|01:42:55||You can hit me as many times as you want.
I'm not giving you the photo back.|
|01:43:06||No, no, no.
Peter, I told you I did not want to see you.|
|01:43:28||Aloha, I'm Sarah Marshall
from Crime Scene: Scene of the Crime. |
|01:43:32||And when I'm not scrubbing for evidence,|
|01:43:34||I'm flying Hawaiian Airlines
to my favourite destinations. |
|01:43:38||Now sit back
and enjoy your in-flight entertainment. |
|01:43:40||I know I will. Mahalo. |
|01:43:43|| Everybody hates you|
|01:43:46||Everybody wishes that you were dead|
|01:43:50||Because, Peter, you suck|
|01:43:51||Peter, you suck|
|01:43:53||Peter, your music is fucking terrible|
|01:43:56||Peter, you suck|
|01:44:00||Peter, you don't do anything of value|
|01:44:03||Peter, you suck|
|01:44:05||Write some music but instead
you sit and write these bullshit songs|
|01:44:09||It's so self-loathing|
|01:44:11||Go see a psychiatrist
I hate the psychiatrist|
|01:44:14||Well, go see one anyway|
|01:44:16||I don't like the psychiatrist|
|01:44:17||You need to go and see one|
|01:44:19||See a psychiatrist|
|01:44:21||I'm not going|
|01:44:58||It's getting kind of hard to believe
things are going to get better|
|01:45:50||I don't understand
what there is to think about.|
|01:45:52||Because, D, he...|
|01:45:53||She licked the tip. That doesn't count.|
|01:45:56||- Of course it counts. He...
- He what?|
|01:45:59||He refused a blowjob
from his ex-girlfriend mid-blowjob.|
|01:46:02||Do you know what that's like for a man?
It's called blue balls, Rachel.|
|01:46:05||This guy is like Gandhi, but better.|
|01:46:07||He likes puppets.|
|01:46:09||I love puppets.|
|01:46:11||I love Fraggle Rock. I love Lamb Chop.
I love Elmo.|
|01:46:14||Sesame Street, Bert and Ernie,
Snuffelupagus. Fucks my shit up. |
|01:46:22|| This is a song that
I never thought I would write|
|01:46:26||On the night I'm dying|
|01:46:28||Sorry for all the wrong I've done|
|01:46:31||I'm finished trying|
|01:46:33||It was a wonderful dream
Now let him come and slay me|
|01:46:38||There he is|
who haunted the streets of London|
|01:46:42||I've come to slay you|
|01:46:44||Here I am!|
|01:46:46||I'll leave you bleeding in my dungeon|
|01:46:48||I'll never obey you
I'll rip out your oesophagus|
|01:46:52||Please, Mr Van Helsing
Listen to me|
|01:46:57||He is just a man who wishes to be free|
|01:47:03||Lay him in a hearse
You must end this curse|
|01:47:06||He is the worst!|
|01:47:20||Don't go my love|
|01:47:23||I can't say goodbye|
|01:47:28||My reign is done|
|01:47:31||It's time to die|
|01:47:41||VAN HELSING: What have I done?|
|01:47:42||Has flown above|
|01:47:45||Who killed Dracula?|
|01:47:46||But he found a taste|
|01:47:50||A taste for love|
|01:47:53||My life is a lie|
I miss my young dead prince|
|01:48:01||I'll never see him again|
|01:48:05||Until my death|
|01:48:08||What a wonderful dream|
|01:48:11||To find a taste for love|
|01:48:17||A taste for love|
|01:48:52||Wow. You came.
I can't believe that you came.|
|01:48:57||Peter, this is great.|
|01:48:59||- It was really funny. Yeah.
- Thank you.|
|01:49:02||You know what?
I didn't realise that it was a comedy,|
|01:49:04||and then someone told me that,
and it just, like, opened the whole thing up.|
|01:49:11||- How long are you in town for?
|01:49:15||Yeah, you know, I'm kind of
checking out some schools.|
- Yeah, maybe.|
|01:49:25||You never called.|
|01:49:28||You told me not to. And I listened.|
- Wasn't easy.|
|01:49:35||I might have called once and hung up.|
|01:49:37||- No. No.
- From a private number.|
Nice job, Bretter.|
|01:49:46||Well, you should probably go back.|
|01:49:47||Would you like to hang out
while you're here?|
|01:49:50||- Maybe we could go to dinner or...
|01:49:52||- Still have my number?
- Yeah. Yeah, I'll call you.|
- Yeah, I should do that.|
|01:49:57||Yeah, yeah. Go mingle.|
|01:50:04||Come over here and meet my mom!|
|01:50:06||- Go, go.
- Off I go.|
|01:50:09||- Hey, Peter.
- Nice job, Bretter.|
|01:50:11||The play was sick, man. Good work.|
|01:50:13||- Nice job.
- Good job, man. That was awesome.|
|01:50:18||I just wanted to say thank you.
I had such a great time tonight.|
|01:50:22||Oh, good. You know what?
I'm gonna change out of this unitard,|
|01:50:24||- 'cause I'm getting a chafe. Okay.
- Enough said.|
- Thank you.|
|01:50:59||I was just calling you.|
- Oh, Peter.|
|01:51:10||- I'm sorry.
- Stop laughing.|
|01:51:15||Can you please stop laughing?|
|01:51:19||I missed you.|
|01:51:23||You know, I actually wanted to tell you
that I've been thinking so much about...|
|01:52:18||NARRATOR: This fall, Sarah Marshall is back
in a brand-new role. |
|01:52:22||Your wife had no enemies
that you're aware of.|
|01:52:26||Get ready for the most daring show
on television. |
|01:52:28||- Just came home, and she was lying there.
|01:52:32||In a world
where you don't know who to trust. |
|01:52:39||Charlie, who's Franco Marconi?|
|01:52:42||- No. No.
- Gun, gun, gun, gun. Drop it, drop it.|
|01:52:45||Go with your animal instincts. |
|01:52:51||- How did you know?
- She's an animal psychic.|
|01:52:55||Sarah Marshall returns on Animal Instincts. |
|01:53:00||Life's a bitch.|
|01:53:01||And where you're going,
that's exactly what you'll be.|