|00:00:46||Light your nuts on fire.|
|00:00:47||Fuck! Fuck! My hands!|
|00:00:50||Too hot for Jonah!|
|00:00:52||I got fucking water in my mouth!|
|00:01:13||Oh, my God!|
|00:01:21||I got to get off! I got
to get off! Got to get off!|
|00:01:25||Got to get off!|
|00:01:42||Sadie, wake up!|
|00:01:44||Oh, my gosh!|
|00:01:46||Daddy, wake up!|
|00:01:51||Okay, I'm up.|
|00:01:59||Is that my genius over here?
Is that my genius?|
|00:02:06||I need you to take the kids
to school this morning.|
|00:02:08||- I would, but I'm supposed to work out.
|00:02:11||Yeah. I got an appointment
with a trainer. I can't cancel|
|00:02:14||it now. He'll charge me.|
|00:02:15||- You didn't tell me that.
- Yeah, I did.|
|00:02:17||- Last week I told you.
- You didn't tell me.|
|00:02:19||I did. And then I wrote it on the calendar|
|00:02:20||like you told me to.|
|00:02:21||No, you didn't tell me.|
|00:02:23||- I did tell you.
- Well, you didn't,|
|00:02:24||but what are we gonna do,
'cause I have an appointment?|
|00:02:27||So you're taking the kids to school.|
|00:02:30||Don't use the baby to cover your tracks.|
|00:02:33||I can drive them.
I'll drive them to school.|
|00:02:36||- Thank you very much.
- Great. Good.|
|00:02:38||You turned my sister into a limo driver.|
|00:02:40||- I don't mind.
- It all worked out!|
|00:02:48||What are you giggling about?|
You're starting to annoy me.|
|00:02:56||- Poo poo.
- Ladies. Be nice.|
|00:02:59||- You know what I did the other day?
|00:03:00||- I googled 'murder.'
- You googled 'murder'?|
|00:03:05||I mean, what did it say?|
|00:03:06||It didn't say anything.
It just showed pictures|
|00:03:08||of people lying dead on the floor and blood|
|00:03:14||That was just ketchup.|
|00:03:16||- Who wants to hear some music?
- I want to hear Rent.|
|00:03:19||I want to hear Green Day!|
|00:03:21||No, we're listening to Rent!|
|00:03:23||Well, I want to listen to Green Day.|
|00:03:24||I got your baby!|
|00:03:26||- Don't taunt her. Come on.
|00:03:29||Sadie! Why did you just do that? Don't throw|
|00:03:31||things at your sister!|
|00:03:32||She hit me.|
|00:03:33||- Did you hit her?
- I did not.|
|00:03:36||Make her happy. It's okay.|
|00:03:38||- It won't make her happy.
- It's okay. It's okay.|
|00:03:40||She spilled all the marbles on the floor.|
|00:03:41||Well, give her her marble back.|
|00:03:43||All right? Are you sure you understand|
|00:03:45||the terms of the bet?|
|00:03:46||- Because this is serious.
|00:03:48||Martin, all right, listen.|
|00:03:50||You don't shave your beard
or cut your hair for one year,|
|00:03:53||and if you can do that,
I will pay your rent.|
|00:03:56||But if you shave,
then you have to pay|
|00:03:58||all five of our rents.|
|00:04:00||Thanks for the free money, bitch.|
|00:04:01||Hey, Martin, was it weird
when you joined the Taliban,|
|00:04:03||being American and everything like that?|
|00:04:05||Like when you see a woman driving a car,|
|00:04:07||do you just get pissed?|
|00:04:07||Just watch your back, Serpico.
You never know|
|00:04:10||who your friends are.|
|00:04:11||Okay, all right. You guys can't make fun of me|
|00:04:13||the whole time.|
|00:04:13||But, Martin, it's a competition.
It's called the Dirty Man Competition.|
|00:04:17||We're gonna make fun of you
until you shave the beard.|
|00:04:19||- That's the rules.
- That's the whole point.|
|00:04:20||You're supposed to be tempted into shaving.|
|00:04:21||Your face looks like Robin Williams' knuckles.|
|00:04:25||You guys aren't allowed to make fun of me.|
|00:04:26||It's not part of the rules.|
|00:04:27||Martin, why didn't you just listen to me when|
|00:04:29||I was explaining the rules?|
|00:04:30||You just looked at me with that|
|00:04:31||blank stare of yours.|
|00:04:32||It was like talking to a wax statue.|
|00:04:37||Okay, guys, are you ready?|
|00:04:39||So, 'Only at fleshofthestars. com will|
|00:04:42||customers be able to find|
|00:04:44||'exactly how long into what movies their|
|00:04:47||favorite stars are exposed.'|
- Oh, fucking brilliant.|
|00:04:50||Pretty good, right?|
|00:04:51||Yeah. Yeah, ka-ching.
|00:04:53||All right, guys,
let start logging, all right?|
Do you have|
|00:04:56||any other thoughts?|
let's start this off|
|00:04:58||with a bang.|
|00:04:59||Jamie Lee Curtis. I got an hour and 10 minutes|
|00:05:01||into Trading Places.|
|00:05:07||I got Julianne 'Red Beard' Moore.|
|00:05:10||Short Cuts, two hours,
17 minutes, bush no boobs.|
|00:05:14||Julianne Moore special.
She loves it.|
|00:05:16||I've seen that,|
|00:05:17||and from the look of her bush,
Short Cuts is the wrong|
|00:05:19||name for that movie.|
Nice. Nice. Well done.|
|00:05:23||Her bush looks like the hedge maze|
|00:05:24||from The Shining but red|
|00:05:26||and without Scatman Crothers in it.|
|00:05:36||So if you want that perfect tan like the stars,|
|00:05:38||he's the one to see.|
|00:05:39||We'll be right back on E! News. Stay with us.|
- Okay, is Jessica Simpson here yet?|
|00:05:44||Let me check. Let me see.|
|00:05:46||- Is she on her way? She's left her house?
- Hey, guys?|
|00:05:48||Okay, let me know when she's pulling in.|
|00:05:50||- She's about to pull in.
- Is she camera-ready?|
|00:05:51||Is she camera-ready?|
|00:05:53||If she's gonna be in hair
and makeup for three hours,|
|00:05:55||I can't do it.|
|00:05:56||I'm not gonna be here.
I got to do American Idol.|
|00:05:58||It's live. I got to do it.
I got to be there.|
|00:06:00||- What are we gonna interview her about?|
|00:06:02||- No personal questions.
- No personal questions.|
|00:06:04||Don't ask her about her sister
and her nose job.|
|00:06:06||- No plastic surgery questions.
- No plastic...|
|00:06:07||No personal questions.|
|00:06:08||She doesn't want to talk about
her boobs or her father's|
|00:06:11||comments about her boobs.|
|00:06:12||Great. We'll talk about
the Middle East and maybe|
|00:06:15||an idea of an exit strategy.|
|00:06:16||Maybe she has a good pitch.|
|00:06:17||Should I ask her about Korea?|
|00:06:19||Maybe have her point it out to us on a globe?|
|00:06:22||I don't understand
the young talent in this town!|
|00:06:24||It doesn't make any sense.
I got four jobs.|
|00:06:27||Hell, I'm more famous than half the people|
|00:06:29||we talk to, anyway!|
|00:06:29||No one stands up.|
|00:06:31||No one has the balls to sit them down|
'Look, just cut the shit.'|
|00:06:33||But everybody works for them.|
|00:06:34||They're all on the payroll.
They're all sucking the teat!|
|00:06:36||Nobody sits them down,
|00:06:39||and says, 'Cut the shit.'|
|00:06:41||And all these stars just fuck it up.|
|00:06:42||That's what they do.
They fuck my day up!|
|00:06:44||And it pisses me off.
And now I'm sweating.|
|00:06:46||Okay, you want to...
You know what?|
|00:06:48||You want us to just come and get you|
|00:06:49||when she gets here?|
|00:06:49||You want to head to
the green room for a minute?|
|00:06:51||- Just chill out? - Okay.
- Yeah. - That's a good idea.|
|00:06:53||Want us to bring you anything?
You want some water?|
|00:06:54||- You want a cookie?
- Cookie, yeah, cookie. Thanks.|
|00:06:56||- Okay, we'll get you a cookie.
- Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm pissed.|
|00:06:58||What do we got?
|00:07:01||Jack and I need to see you in his office.|
|00:07:05||Thanks for coming in, Allison.|
|00:07:08||Well, we wanted to talk to you today|
|00:07:10||because we had a little debate
on the conference call|
|00:07:13||with New York about you.|
|00:07:15||You... About me?
You were talking about me?|
|00:07:18||We were wondering aloud to one another|
|00:07:22||whether or not you would be good for on camera.|
|00:07:25||What'd you decide?|
|00:07:28||They... They decided that they like you,|
|00:07:31||and they would like to put you on camera.|
- I know. I was so surprised, too.|
|00:07:38||Oh, my God.
This is the best news ever.|
|00:07:40||Thank you so much.|
|00:07:41||- This is great!
|00:07:43||- Thank you.
- I'll take that smile|
|00:07:45||as a 'Yes, I'll do it.'|
|00:07:46||Absolutely. I'm so excited!
Oh, my God.|
|00:07:49||It's a lot of work. Can't wait
to see what happens.|
|00:07:51||It's gonna be tough.
|00:07:53||About the work,
|00:07:55||there's gonna be some things that you're|
|00:07:57||gonna be able to get...|
-...that other people in the office don't get.|
|00:08:00||One of them, gym membership.|
|00:08:02||You want me to lose weight?|
|00:08:04||No, I don't want you to lose weight.|
|00:08:06||No. We can't legally ask you to do that.|
|00:08:08||We didn't say lose weight.
I might say tighten.|
|00:08:13||A little tighter?|
|00:08:16||Just like toned and smaller.|
|00:08:18||Don't make everything smaller.
I don't want to|
|00:08:21||generalize that way.|
|00:08:23||We don't want you to lose weight. We just|
|00:08:25||want you to be healthy.|
- You know, by eating less.|
|00:08:29||We would just like it if you go home|
|00:08:32||and step on a scale|
|00:08:33||and write down how much you weigh|
|00:08:35||and subtract it by, like, 20.|
- And then weigh that much.|
you've got it here,|
|00:08:42||you've got it here|
|00:08:43||and everybody's gonna see you right there.|
|00:08:46||Yay! That's so exciting!
Oh, my God!|
|00:08:53||I got a promotion.|
|00:08:55||- Oh, congratulations!
- Thank you.|
|00:08:56||Hey, maybe you can get your own place now.|
|00:08:58||Let's not get ahead of ourselves.|
- Let's go celebrate.|
|00:09:01||Okay. Let's do it.|
|00:09:03||- Pete'll watch the kids?
|00:09:05||We can watch Taxicab Confessions.|
|00:09:07||- What are you gonna do?
- I don't know!|
|00:09:10||I'm so excited!|
|00:09:13||I walked in on him masturbating one night.|
|00:09:15||Did he get the deer-in-the-headlights look?|
|00:09:17||Did he freeze or did he finish?|
|00:09:19||No, he tried to pretend like he wasn't doing|
|00:09:22||anything under the covers.|
|00:09:27||I buy these nice towels,
and he whacks off into them.|
|00:09:31||Deb and Pete, forever.
|00:09:33||And once he does that into them once,|
|00:09:36||they're never soft ever again.|
|00:09:40||I can always tell if I'm looking good based on|
|00:09:43||whether or not we get in.|
Guess we're looking good.|
|00:09:47||If I didn't get in,
I would've lost my shit.|
|00:09:48||What's going on, man?|
|00:09:49||How long you gonna make us wait out here,|
|00:09:50||for Christ's sake?|
|00:09:51||What the fuck?|
|00:09:57||You know what movie I just
saw again the other day,|
|00:09:59||which is fucking, like,|
and I haven't seen it|
|00:10:02||since it came out is Munich.|
|00:10:04||Oh, man, Munich fucking rules.
Munich is awesome!|
|00:10:07||That movie was Eric Bana kicking fucking ass!|
|00:10:10||Dude, every movie with Jews,
we're the ones getting killed.|
|00:10:12||Munich flips it on its ear.
We're capping motherfuckers.|
|00:10:15||Not only killing but fucking,
like, taking names.|
|00:10:17||If any of us get laid tonight,
|00:10:18||of Eric Bana in Munich.|
|00:10:19||- I agree with that.
- I agree.|
|00:10:21||You know what is not helping us get laid|
|00:10:22||is the shoe bomber,
|00:10:24||over here at our table.|
|00:10:25||I don't like your shoes.
How is Burning Man this year?|
|00:10:28||Fuck you guys.
I'm glad I'm not Jewish.|
|00:10:31||- So are we.
- Yeah, so are we.|
- Fine, screw it.|
|00:10:35||- You weren't chosen for a reason.|
|00:10:40||It's like everyone in here is 12 years old.|
|00:10:46||- Am I too old to be here?
|00:10:48||- Am I too old to be here?
- No, of course not.|
|00:10:50||Does it look weird that I'm here?|
|00:10:51||No, not at all.|
|00:10:53||Am I hotter than these little bitches?|
|00:10:55||Yes! You look amazing.|
|00:10:57||- Guys in here would fuck me, right?|
|00:10:59||That's weird to say,
but it makes me feel better.|
|00:11:02||You look hot.|
|00:11:03||Okay. I believe you.|
|00:11:05||- Okay. I'm getting us drinks.
|00:11:07||Yo, a beer over here, please?|
|00:11:09||You're gonna be embarrassed when you realize|
|00:11:11||I'm Wilmer Valderrama.|
|00:11:16||Hey, hey! Excuse me!|
|00:11:18||He's literally ignoring
this entire half of the bar.|
|00:11:20||Don't even bother.|
|00:11:24||A beer over here, please?|
|00:11:27||- He looked at us! Did you see that?
- Yeah, that was rough.|
|00:11:29||Oh, my God. And if you can't get service,|
|00:11:31||what am I gonna do, you know?|
|00:11:33||Great. It's gonna be that night.|
|00:11:35||- Okay, you want a beer?
- Yeah, just...|
|00:11:37||Well, I'm... Watch this.|
|00:11:40||Okay? Just observe.|
|00:11:43||- There you go.
- Come on, man.|
|00:11:44||Here you go. For your trouble.
Thank you. There you go.|
|00:11:47||- Thank you.
- Okay, enjoy it.|
|00:11:48||- Are you sure?
- I am sure.|
|00:11:50||I tried that once before at the Comedy Store,|
|00:11:52||and I got punched in the ear.|
|00:11:53||Thanks a lot.|
|00:11:54||Oh, fuck, fuck!
|00:11:56||to get one for my sister.|
|00:11:57||- Oh, here, take mine.
- No, that's okay. I'll wait.|
|00:12:00||Please, I very rarely look cool. This is a big|
|00:12:03||moment for me. Just take it.|
|00:12:05||- Thank you. Awesome.
- No problem.|
|00:12:07||- I'm Allison.
- I'm Ben.|
|00:12:12||- Well, have a great night.
- Yeah, you, too.|
|00:12:14||- Thanks for the beer.
- Okay, enjoy, be nice to them.|
|00:12:16||- Bye. Thanks again.
- I'll see you. No, I'll see you later.|
|00:12:19||No, I won't 'cause I'm a pussy.|
|00:12:24||What's up, Ben?|
|00:12:26||That girl. She totally gave me an opening, man,|
|00:12:28||and I locked up.|
|00:12:30||I just want to get shit-faced tonight,|
|00:12:31||though, you know.|
|00:12:32||I'll just jerk it later.
|00:12:33||Are you fucking crazy, man?
She looks smart.|
|00:12:38||- Who's that she's sitting with?
- It's her sister.|
|00:12:40||- Her sister?
|00:12:41||Dude, it's the dream.
What are we doing|
|00:12:43||standing here, man?|
|00:12:44||Let's go. Come on, follow me.
You stay here. Stay here.|
- Because your facelooks like a vagina.|
|00:12:50||Hey, which one's the sister?|
you still partying|
|00:12:57||with Tubbs these days?|
|00:12:58||Come on, man. I'm getting
it from all angles here.|
|00:13:00||- I don't like it anymore.
- I know. I don't, either.|
|00:13:02||Was it weird when you changed
your name from Cat Stevens|
|00:13:05||to Yusuf Islam?|
|00:13:06||Yeah, it was really awkward.|
|00:13:07||All right, man.
I got to take off.|
|00:13:09||See you, Scorsese-on-coke.|
You know, it's Chewie.|
|00:13:17||- Oh, another beard joke.
|00:13:24||Hi, this is my friend, Jason.|
|00:13:26||I just wanted to see how my beers were doing.|
|00:13:29||This is my sister, Debbie.|
|00:13:31||Oh, hi, I'm Ben.|
|00:13:32||- Hi. Ben?
|00:13:33||Nice to meet you.|
|00:13:34||- How you doing?
- Good, how are you?|
|00:13:37||Just trying not to stare.|
|00:13:39||Why do you have to say that?|
- It's a shame.|
|00:13:45||She has two kids, too.|
|00:13:48||What? It's nothing to be ashamed of.|
|00:13:49||You think that's gonna
stop him from hitting on her?|
|00:13:51||It's not at all.|
|00:13:53||I love kids.|
- Yeah, absolutely.|
- Cool phone.|
|00:14:02||Yeah, she's got a really cool phone.|
|00:14:03||What? Is it a rash,
or is it the chicken pox?|
|00:14:07||I don't know! Google it.|
|00:14:09||Okay. All right, bye.|
|00:14:11||I got to go. Sadie might have the chicken pox.|
|00:14:15||I had the chicken pox three times.|
|00:14:17||I have no immunity to it.|
|00:14:18||We don't have the heart
to tell him it's herpes.|
|00:14:20||It's not herpes if it's everywhere.|
|00:14:22||Are you coming?|
|00:14:27||You know, I'm all dressed,
so I'll just hang out.|
- Yeah, I'll take a cab home.|
|00:14:35||Okay. Be safe.|
|00:14:37||I will. Yeah.|
|00:14:40||- Bye, lovely.
|00:14:44||All right, I'm gonna let you
two get to know each other.|
|00:14:55||No, no. You know, the, like,
Entertainment News channel?|
|00:15:03||Dude, I think he's doing
the dice thing too much.|
|00:15:07||That's really all he's got.|
|00:15:11||I love your curly hair!
It's so great.|
|00:15:14||Do you, like,
use a product or anything?|
I use Jew, it's called.|
|00:15:21||- You wanna get out of here?
- Yeah, let's go.|
|00:15:23||You wanna come back and hang out at my place?|
|00:15:26||- Yeah. Wicked.
- I'll show you my audition tape.|
|00:15:28||- It's really funny.
- Okay, I'm really excited to watch that.|
|00:15:34||We could get a cab up,
this way. For sure.|
|00:15:38||This is a big yard.|
|00:15:41||Let's go swimming right now.
Let's just do that.|
|00:15:48||- I know. It feels so right.
- That's right.|
|00:15:52||Oh, man. Oh, man.
You're prettier than I am.|
|00:16:07||- Do you have a condom?
- I do.|
- In my pants. I have a condom.|
I'll get it.|
|00:16:25||- Hurry up.
- Stupid fucker.|
|00:16:29||- What are you doing?
- I almost got it.|
|00:16:31||Just give me a second.|
|00:16:32||Oh, God, just do it already!|
- Oh, great. Okay.|
|00:16:51||- Oh, that's great!
- Good thing I'm drunk.|
|00:16:53||- This is lasting forever.
- Yeah, it's awesome.|
|00:16:55||I just doubled my record time.|
|00:16:57||Oh, yeah. You did.|
|00:16:59||- I'm sorry, I'm sweating on you.
- Okay, just stop talking.|
|00:17:19||Fuck off, Martin.|
|00:17:22||I said, fuck off, Martin.|
|00:17:40||Did we have sex?|
|00:17:49||What time is it?|
|00:17:52||Why the fuck are we awake?
Let's go back to sleep.|
|00:17:54||I have to go to work.|
|00:17:57||Do you need to get to work or anything?|
|00:18:00||No, I'm... No work today.|
|00:18:08||Do you wanna get breakfast?|
|00:18:24||Good morning, Allison.|
What's happening, man?|
|00:18:30||How's it going?|
|00:18:31||Ah, to be young.|
|00:18:34||You stop it.|
|00:18:36||Okay, see you later.|
|00:18:39||See you later. Enjoy the day.|
|00:18:43||Never do what they did.|
|00:18:45||I'm gonna do it.|
|00:18:46||You are? Uh-oh. Someone's
|00:18:56||I just yacked something nasty.|
|00:18:59||I feel way better, though.
I think that's like|
|00:19:01||the secret. Like you gotta...|
|00:19:03||I mean, once you're hung-over,
you just gotta puke.|
|00:19:06||It feels so... Did you puke?|
|00:19:09||You can. I won't think it's gross or anything.|
|00:19:10||Oh, that's okay, I'm fine.|
- I just need some coffee, so...|
|00:19:14||You know, the best thing
for a hangover is weed.|
|00:19:15||- Do you smoke... Do you smoke weed?
- Not really.|
|00:19:17||- You don't?
|00:19:18||- At all?
|00:19:20||Like in the morning?|
|00:19:23||No, I just don't.|
|00:19:24||You know, it's like...
It is like the best medicine.|
|00:19:28||Because it fixes everything.|
|00:19:29||Jonah broke his elbow once.|
|00:19:31||He just got high,
and it still clicks,|
|00:19:34||but, I mean, he's okay.|
|00:19:39||Last night was great,
what I remember of it.|
|00:19:43||Yeah, no, it was fun.
We had a great time.|
|00:19:46||So what do you do?|
|00:19:48||I work at E!|
|00:19:49||- The television channel?
|00:19:52||We had this conversation last night.|
|00:19:54||I told you about my promotion.
I was out celebrating it.|
|00:20:00||I don't remember that at all.|
|00:20:02||Yeah. I'm super excited about it.|
|00:20:03||I'm actually doing my first
on-air interview today, so...|
|00:20:05||- With who?
- Matthew Fox.|
|00:20:07||- Matthew Fox from Lost?
|00:20:09||- You know what's interesting about him?|
|00:20:11||- Will you tell him he's an asshole for me?|
|00:20:13||Someone needs to.
Like who gives a shit?|
|00:20:15||Well, I hope a lot of people,
actually, because that's|
|00:20:18||what my job entails|
|00:20:19||is making sure people care what he has to say.|
|00:20:21||I'm interviewing him.|
|00:20:23||Maybe it's just me. Maybe
I just don't give a shit.|
|00:20:24||I'm just saying he deserves a beat-down.|
|00:20:27||Actually, it's sort of embarrassing|
|00:20:28||to ask at this point,|
|00:20:29||but what do you do for work?|
|00:20:31||Me and my roommates have started a... We're|
|00:20:33||starting an Internet website.|
|00:20:35||Oh, cool. What is it?|
|00:20:37||I'll give you the virtual
experience, okay? How's that?|
|00:20:39||- You're at your computer.
|00:20:41||Who's an actress you like?|
|00:20:42||- Mary Tyler Moore?
|00:20:45||- That does not work at all.
|00:20:47||- Let's say you love Meg Ryan.
- I do.|
|00:20:51||- Great. Who doesn't?
|00:20:52||Let's say you like her so much|
|00:20:54||you wanna know every movie
where she shows her tits.|
|00:20:58||And not just that,
but how long into that|
|00:21:00||movie she shows her tits.|
|00:21:01||You come to our web page exclusively.|
|00:21:04||Type in 'Meg Ryan.' Bam!|
|00:21:06||In the Cut, 38 minutes in,
48 minutes in,|
|00:21:09||like an hour and 10 minutes...|
|00:21:11||She's, like, naked that whole fucking movie.|
|00:21:13||- She does full frontal in that movie.
|00:21:15||- They should've called her Harry, not Sally.
|00:21:17||I'll show it to you.
I'll show you Meg Ryan's bush.|
|00:21:21||Yeah, I actually need to get going, so...|
Can I get your number?|
|00:21:26||I mean, I don't...|
|00:21:27||We had fun, right?
We should hook up again.|
|00:21:31||I'm gonna give you my card 'cause that'll be|
|00:21:34||the best way to...|
|00:21:35||Well, I mean, if you want
to contact me, I don't have|
|00:21:38||a cell, right now,|
|00:21:40||because of payment complications.|
|00:21:42||But, I mean, you can e-mail me
at the web page. I check...|
|00:21:45||It's just Ben at flesh-of-the-stars,|
|00:21:47||one word, dot-com.|
- Yeah. Okay.|
- So, awesome.|
|00:21:52||All right, then.
Nice to meet you.|
|00:21:55||- Yeah. Okay.
- Bye. Take care.|
|00:22:03||That was fucking brutal.|
|00:22:06||Yeah, that was brutal.|
|00:22:08||It was a huge mistake.
What's a mistake?|
|00:22:14||Nothing. Nothing that we need
to talk about right now.|
|00:22:18||Why did you do it?|
|00:22:21||Aunty Allison drank too much chocolate milk.|
|00:22:25||And I was feeling weird because of that.|
|00:22:28||And I made a...|
|00:22:29||- I think that's enough.
|00:22:31||- Did he wear a condom?
|00:22:38||- Do you think you'll do it again?
- No, no way.|
|00:22:39||She was totally repulsed by me.|
- She just really didn't seem to like me.|
|00:22:44||Like, she wasn't laughing at my jokes.
I mean, I'm like a funny guy.|
|00:22:47||- Fucking funny as balls.
- Hilarious, man.|
|00:22:49||I'm giving her the A shit.
Nothing. She thought our|
|00:22:51||web page was a bad idea.|
- That fucking stuck-up bitch.|
|00:22:54||Yeah, I think so, too.|
|00:22:56||I think it's awesome that you had sex with her.|
|00:22:57||If a goofy guy like you
had sex with her, I feel like|
|00:23:00||I had sex with her also.|
|00:23:01||I was so drunk.
I just wish I remembered it.|
|00:23:11||Hi, I'm Allison Scott.
And we're here today with|
|00:23:13||James Franco from Spider-Man.|
|00:23:15||- How are you?
- Great, great.|
|00:23:16||- Thanks for coming.
- Of course.|
|00:23:18||Tell me, were you a big fan of the...|
|00:23:21||- I'm sorry, let me take that again.
|00:23:23||Tell me, were you a big fan
of the comic books growing up?|
|00:23:27||I didn't read any of the comic books until|
|00:23:30||I got the movie and then...|
|00:23:33||- Are you okay?
|00:23:34||Yeah, just what about the comic books?|
|00:23:37||Just keep talking.|
|00:23:39||Like I said,
I really wasn't into them,|
|00:23:42||but now that I did
the research, I think they're|
|00:23:46||pretty amazing, like...|
|00:23:52||What the fuck?|
|00:23:58||Is that the sound of you puking?|
|00:24:00||If this is one of those fucking joke shows,|
|00:24:03||I'm not into it.|
|00:24:03||- We should put this on YouTube.
- Shut up.|
|00:24:05||- This is hilarious.
- You're an asshole.|
|00:24:07||Look how sweaty you are.
You look like Dom DeLuise.|
|00:24:09||I don't need to see it again.
It's gonna make me throw up.|
|00:24:11||You look like Jabba the Hutt dying.|
|00:24:17||You're such an asshole.|
|00:24:19||I'm just jerking your chain.|
|00:24:21||I'll fix this. No problem.|
|00:24:22||Yeah, maybe if you can just
edit this out, and we can...|
|00:24:27||We can reshoot my questions.|
|00:24:34||Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, no, no. Over here.|
|00:24:36||Not on the mix board,
not on the mix board, here.|
|00:24:43||Are you okay?|
|00:24:44||Oh, my God.|
|00:24:48||Oh, my God.|
|00:24:49||- Are you sick?
- I don't know.|
|00:24:51||- What'd you eat?
- I haven't eaten today yet.|
|00:24:54||- You haven't...
- Do you have, like, a napkin or something?|
|00:24:59||What, do you have,
like, the flu?|
|00:25:01||I don't know.|
|00:25:02||God, I hope you're not pregnant.|
|00:25:05||It's impossible. You have
to have sex to get pregnant.|
|00:25:11||B.K. It's Brent Master Five.|
|00:25:14||Allison just puked.|
|00:25:17||Dude, that's what I said.
|00:25:19||- Oh, shit.
- How does she look right now?|
|00:25:21||She looks like she just realized|
|00:25:23||that she's pregnant.|
|00:25:24||No, I can't be pregnant. Right?|
|00:25:26||I mean that was, what?|
|00:25:29||- Eight weeks ago? When was that?
|00:25:31||Did you miss your period?|
|00:25:35||I don't know.
Shit. I don't know.|
|00:25:36||I can't remember.|
|00:25:37||I was... I mean, I've been
really stressed at work.|
|00:25:39||I can't remember my last period.|
|00:25:41||Are you the lady who doesn't
realize she's pregnant|
|00:25:43||till she's sitting on the toilet|
|00:25:44||and a kid pops out?|
|00:25:45||Can you not joke right now?
Don't joke right now.|
|00:25:47||- This is really serious.
- Did I meet him?|
|00:25:49||Yeah. You know, he was
kind of like medium height,|
|00:25:51||sort of chubby.
Blonde, curly hair. Remember?|
|00:25:55||- With the man-boobs.
|00:25:56||Here, I have this thing of him on my phone.|
|00:25:59||I just watched it.|
|00:26:00||Hey! I live in your phone!|
|00:26:04||This is the best night of my life.|
|00:26:07||I gotta pee.|
- Oh, God.|
|00:26:12||- How did this happen?
- Oh, shit.|
|00:26:15||Well, there's only one way to find out.|
Here they are! Over here!|
|00:26:24||- Okay, here we are.
|00:26:26||Okay. All right.
|00:26:39||Oh, no. Give me more!
Give me a few more!|
|00:26:41||Did you try the Ova-Sure?|
I'm dripping. Wait.|
|00:26:47||Oh, good! A smiley face!|
|00:26:50||Oh, I think that's bad.|
|00:26:52||How long does this one take?|
|00:26:54||These can't all be positive.
Let me try one.|
|00:27:03||God, you really had to pee.|
|00:27:07||What is this?
What the hell is this?|
|00:27:11||I think you picked up the wrong one.|
|00:27:15||That scared me.|
|00:27:17||That would suck. I'm sorry.|
|00:27:22||That scared me.|
|00:27:24||It's gonna be fine. Right?|
|00:27:29||Of course it will be fine.
It's gonna be fine.|
|00:27:32||You just need to call him.|
|00:27:34||Maybe I don't need to call him
until after I see the doctor.|
|00:27:36||- You need to call.
- I don't want to call him.|
|00:27:38||- I don't need to call him.
- You should call.|
|00:27:39||I can't call him anyway.
He doesn't even have a phone.|
|00:27:42||He didn't even have a number to give me.|
|00:27:43||He doesn't have a phone?|
|00:27:44||Said he had some kind of billing issue.|
|00:27:46||He can't afford a phone?
Sadie has a phone.|
|00:27:49||Oh, shit, you're right.
I got to call.|
|00:27:52||I don't know. I'm gonna have to look him up|
|00:27:53||on his stupid website.|
|00:27:54||What kind of website does he have?|
|00:27:57||He spelled 'coming' wrong. Oh, it's cum...|
- Oh, that's gross.|
|00:28:02||Just go to 'Contact Us.'|
|00:28:08||'What is your number?
I need to speak|
|00:28:10||with you right away.'|
|00:28:18||I love weed.|
|00:28:20||I could smoke weed every second of every day.|
|00:28:23||Jay, I am your stoner.|
|00:28:34||- Hey, Benjamin?
|00:28:36||- Flesh of the Stars just got an e-mail.
|00:28:39||- Would you like me to read it to you?
- Yeah, sure.|
|00:28:41||'Ben, what is your number?|
|00:28:44||'I need to speak to you
right away. Allison Scott.'|
|00:28:51||Someone wants seconds, mama!|
|00:28:54||'Looking forward to speaking with you.'|
|00:28:56||Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Do one of those|
|00:28:59||smiley faces at the end.|
|00:29:00||Fucking-A. Those are sexy.
|00:29:09||Somebody wants another piece!|
|00:29:14||- Yeah, hello?
|00:29:16||Hey, Ben, this is...
This is Allison. I don't know|
|00:29:19||if you remember me.|
|00:29:20||Oh, yeah, Allison. What's up?|
|00:29:22||She like the way your dick tastes.|
|00:29:25||Yeah, I actually was
just wondering if maybe you|
|00:29:29||wanted to get together,
like tomorrow night?|
|00:29:32||I've been meaning to call you so we could,|
|00:29:33||like, hook up again.|
|00:29:34||- You know what I'm saying?
- Okay, cool.|
|00:29:36||Let's meet up maybe tomorrow night? You wanna|
|00:29:38||just grab some dinner?|
|00:29:39||Yeah. Why not?
Meeting of minds sounds good.|
|00:29:43||What do you say Geisha House,
|00:29:47||Sure, sure. That's cool.|
|00:29:48||Can we make it more like 6:00, though?|
|00:29:49||I'd like to keep it early.|
|00:29:50||6:00. Beat the rush.
|00:29:53||more time for afterwards.|
|00:29:58||So, yeah. I'll just meet
you there, then, at 6:00.|
- I'll see you there.|
|00:30:04||Okay, take care. Peace.|
|00:30:11||I'm gonna get laid,
|00:30:19||- Nice place, huh?
- Yeah, it's really nice.|
|00:30:21||Sorry it took so long to
get a table. I didn't realize|
|00:30:23||you needed a reservation.|
|00:30:24||Oh, no, that's okay.|
|00:30:26||- So how's work?
|00:30:27||- How's E!?
Do you know Vince Vaughn?|
|00:30:30||- Have you ever met him?
|00:30:31||I really feel like
we'd get along well. I just...|
|00:30:34||He seems like a fun guy.|
|00:30:35||- I feel like we'd, like, hang together well.
|00:30:37||I feel like he'd like me.|
|00:30:38||I'm sure a lot of guys are like, 'Oh, I'd like|
|00:30:40||to hang out with that celeb',|
|00:30:41||but I really think he would
want to hang out with me,|
|00:30:43||is like the cool thing.|
|00:30:44||I'm sure he would. Yeah.|
|00:30:46||- You look very pretty, though.
|00:30:47||- By the way.
- Yeah, I just thought...|
|00:30:49||I don't know, I thought maybe it'd be cool|
|00:30:50||to hang out a little bit and...|
|00:30:51||We didn't really get to talk that much|
|00:30:53||last time, so I thought...|
|00:30:53||That we didn't.|
|00:30:57||I thought maybe we'd just talk and get to know|
|00:30:59||each other better.|
|00:31:02||- I'll start. I'm Canadian.
- Oh, that's cool.|
|00:31:06||From Vancouver. I live
here illegally, actually.|
|00:31:09||Don't tell anyone.|
|00:31:10||But it works out in my advantage,|
|00:31:12||I think, ultimately,|
|00:31:13||'cause I don't have to pay any taxes.|
|00:31:15||So financially that's helpful|
|00:31:18||'cause I don't have a lot of money.|
|00:31:21||You know, I mean,
I'm not poor or anything,|
|00:31:23||but I eat a lot of spaghetti.|
|00:31:25||So, you know, the web page
or whatever is just something|
|00:31:28||that you guys do for fun?|
|00:31:29||Do you have a real job?|
|00:31:31||- Well, that is our job.
|00:31:32||We don't technically get money
for the hours we put in,|
|00:31:36||but it is our job.|
|00:31:37||- So, how do you... Right.
- How do I pay rent and shit?|
|00:31:39||When I was in high school,
I got ran over by a postal truck.|
|00:31:41||- Oh, my God.
- It just kind of...|
|00:31:43||It was my foot more than anything.|
|00:31:44||But I got like 14 grand from
the British Columbia government.|
- And that really lasted me.|
|00:31:50||I mean, until now.|
|00:31:52||It's been almost 10 years.
I have like 900 bucks left.|
|00:31:54||So that should last me for,
like, I mean, I'm not|
|00:31:57||but like another two years or some shit.|
|00:32:00||So I have something I really need to tell you.|
|00:32:02||It's kind of why I called you.|
|00:32:05||Here goes. Um...|
|00:32:09||- Fuck off.
- I'm pregnant.|
|00:32:15||With a baby.
You're the father.|
|00:32:19||- I'm the father?
|00:32:20||- How the fuck could this happen?
- I don't know.|
|00:32:22||I don't know. I mean,
I thought you were|
|00:32:23||wearing a condom.|
|00:32:25||- I wasn't.
- Why not?|
|00:32:27||Because you told me not to.|
|00:32:28||What are you talking about?|
|00:32:29||What am I talking about?
You told me not to.|
|00:32:31||I did not tell you not to wear a condom.|
|00:32:34||Here's what happened, okay?|
|00:32:35||I will give you a play-by-play of my memory.|
|00:32:38||I almost had the condom on my dick.|
|00:32:39||It was on the cusp,
and then you said,|
|00:32:41||'Just do it, already.'|
|00:32:43||I didn't mean do it without a condom.|
|00:32:44||I meant 'do it' like 'hurry up,'|
|00:32:46||like 'Get fucking going!'|
|00:32:47||Well, I assumed you were wearing a patch,|
|00:32:49||or like a dental dam|
|00:32:50||or one of those fucking butterfly clips|
|00:32:51||or something like that.|
|00:32:52||- What the hell is a dental dam?
- It's like Saran Wrap!|
|00:32:54||It's disgusting, okay?
But I thought you had one.|
|00:32:56||Why the fuck didn't you
stop me once we started?|
|00:32:58||I don't know! I couldn't tell
that you didn't have one on!|
|00:33:01||Obviously, I was drunk!|
|00:33:02||Was your vagina drunk?|
|00:33:04||Did you think it's the thinnest condom|
|00:33:05||on earth I have on?|
|00:33:06||I'm a fucking inventor?
I made a dick-skin condom?|
|00:33:08||He hollowed out a penis and put it on?|
|00:33:11||What the fuck?|
|00:33:13||You are unbelievable.|
|00:33:17||Okay, you know what? Maybe
I've reacted unfavorably.|
|00:33:23||So what happens now?
I don't know how this works.|
|00:33:26||I am going to the doctor next week,|
|00:33:28||and I thought you could come with me|
|00:33:30||to the gynecologist.|
|00:33:32||- So you haven't seen him, though?
|00:33:33||So you don't know if you're pregnant.|
|00:33:35||- Well, I'm not 100% sure.
- You're not 100% sure.|
|00:33:39||I bet you're not pregnant.|
|00:33:44||No, they're not.|
|00:33:47||No, they're all in the bag.
They're in the bag.|
|00:34:01||Yeah. Come on.|
|00:34:03||- I'm supposed to come?
|00:34:09||Hello. My name is Thomas Pellagrino.|
|00:34:12||I'm... I'm Ben Stone.|
|00:34:14||- Hi, there, champ.
- Nice to meet you.|
|00:34:16||- And you must be Debbie's sister.
- Allison. Hi.|
|00:34:19||- Hi. How are you?
|00:34:21||So, what can I help you with today,|
|00:34:23||Mr. and Mrs. Stone?|
|00:34:24||I took a home pregnancy test,
and it said I was pregnant,|
|00:34:27||so here we are.|
|00:34:29||Okay. Let's have a look.|
|00:34:48||Well, you do look a lot like your sister.|
|00:34:56||This is gonna be cold.
And you're next.|
|00:35:08||Okay, there is the cervix and the uterus.|
|00:35:14||That dark sac there,
that's the amniotic sac.|
|00:35:18||And right there in the middle is the embryo.|
|00:35:21||Do you see that flicker?
You know what that is?|
|00:35:23||Yeah, that's a heartbeat.|
|00:35:26||Yeah, it looks like you are pregnant.|
|00:35:27||About eight or nine weeks,
|00:35:34||That... That's it?|
|00:35:37||Take good care of it.|
|00:35:41||Now the fun part starts.|
|00:35:44||Let me... Let me make a picture for you, huh?|
|00:35:47||That'll be fun.|
|00:35:51||Okay. Well, I'll...
I'll meet you in my office.|
|00:35:59||I'll give you a little time alone, there.|
|00:36:11||I can't fucking believe you didn't wear a bag!|
|00:36:13||Who does that?|
|00:36:14||Why did we go to Costco and buy a year's supply|
|00:36:16||if you weren't gonna use them, man?|
|00:36:18||I can't believe you did this.
You fucked everything up.|
|00:36:20||Look, the real point is not to get yourself|
|00:36:21||in this position.|
|00:36:22||That's what you have to realize.|
|00:36:23||You gotta know all the tricks.|
|00:36:25||Like, for example,
if a woman's on top,|
|00:36:26||she can't get pregnant.|
|00:36:27||It's just gravity.
Well, that's true.|
|00:36:28||Everyone knows that.|
|00:36:29||What goes up must come down.|
|00:36:31||I think it's awesome that
you're gonna have a kid, man.|
|00:36:34||Think about it like this.
It's just an excuse to play|
|00:36:37||with all your old toys again.|
|00:36:38||You know what I think you should do?|
|00:36:40||Take care of it.|
|00:36:42||Tell me you don't want him to get an 'A' word.|
|00:36:44||Yes, I do, and I won't say it
for little Baby Ears|
|00:36:47||but it rhymes with 'Shma-shmortion.'|
|00:36:49||I'm just saying...
Hold on, Jay, cover your ears.|
|00:36:52||You should get a shma-shmortion|
|00:36:54||at the shma-shmortion clinic.|
|00:36:56||Ben, you cannot let these monsters have|
|00:36:58||any part of your child's life.|
|00:36:59||All right? I'm gonna be
there to rear your child.|
|00:37:02||You hear that, Ben?
Don't let him near the kid.|
|00:37:04||He wants to rear your child!|
|00:37:06||I just have a quick question.|
|00:37:08||Do you use that Canadian
flag tattoo as a cum target|
|00:37:10||of some sort?|
|00:37:11||How many points do you get if you hit
the leaf? Like a million?|
|00:37:14||Jonah, I am a patriot.|
|00:37:16||This is a tribute to my
country and my countrymen.|
|00:37:19||I always aim right.|
|00:37:21||Right into a dude's ass.|
|00:37:27||- Ben, Come on, man.
- I'm just kidding you.|
|00:37:30||- Oh, great. Now he's upset.
- I won't let him do it.|
|00:37:32||Allison, just take care of it.|
|00:37:35||Take care of it. Move on.|
|00:37:37||What's gonna happen with your career?|
|00:37:38||How are you gonna tell them?|
|00:37:39||I'm not gonna tell them for a while.|
|00:37:41||I have a while before I have to say anything.|
|00:37:43||How could you not tell them?
They're not gonna know.|
|00:37:45||I mean, I'm only gonna start
to show when I'm like,|
|00:37:47||I don't know,
six months or something.|
|00:37:49||- Three months.
|00:37:51||Three months. Fat in the face,
jowls, fat ass.|
|00:37:55||Debbie didn't get fat.|
|00:37:56||Debbie is a freak of nature.|
|00:37:58||Mom, you know,
it's important to me|
|00:38:00||that you be supportive.|
|00:38:02||I cannot be supportive
of this. This is a mistake.|
|00:38:04||This is a big, big mistake.|
|00:38:06||Now, think about your stepsister.|
|00:38:08||Now, you remember what happened with her?|
|00:38:09||She had the same situation as you,|
|00:38:11||and she had it taken care of.|
|00:38:13||And you know what?
Now she has a real baby.|
|00:38:16||Honey, this is not the time.|
|00:38:19||I'm gonna be a grandfather.|
|00:38:20||You happy about that?|
|00:38:23||This is a disaster.|
|00:38:24||No, this is not a disaster.|
|00:38:26||- It is...
- An earthquake is a disaster.|
|00:38:28||Your grandmother having Alzheimer's so bad|
|00:38:30||she doesn't even know who the fuck I am,|
|00:38:32||that's a disaster.|
|00:38:33||This is a good thing.
This is a blessing.|
|00:38:35||I have a vision for how my life would go,|
|00:38:39||and this definitely is not it.|
|00:38:41||Wait. Is this your vision?
Are you living|
|00:38:42||your vision right now?|
|00:38:43||I am kind of living my vision, yeah.|
|00:38:45||Well, that is sad,
I'm telling you.|
|00:38:47||Life doesn't care about your vision. Okay?|
You just got to deal with it.|
|00:38:52||You roll with it.
That's the beauty of it all.|
|00:38:55||I just don't get how I tell
the kid not to do drugs|
|00:38:57||when I do drugs.|
|00:38:58||I'll feel like a hypocrite.|
|00:38:59||Well, remember what I told you
when you were a teenager?|
|00:39:02||- What did you say?
- I said, 'No pills, no powders.'|
|00:39:04||That's right, that's right.|
|00:39:06||Right. If it grows in the ground,|
|00:39:07||it's probably okay.|
|00:39:08||I mean, I guess it worked.
Like you told me not|
|00:39:10||to smoke pot all those years,|
|00:39:11||and then I found out you were smoking pot|
|00:39:14||that whole time.|
|00:39:14||Not the whole time.|
|00:39:16||Just in the evenings and all day every weekend.|
|00:39:19||Not that much.|
when you look at me|
|00:39:23||do you not think at all, like,|
if he just never existed,|
|00:39:28||'I would have avoided
a massive heap of trouble,'|
|00:39:33||I love you totally and completely.|
|00:39:35||You're the best thing that ever happened to me.|
|00:39:37||I'm the best thing that ever happened to you?|
|00:39:42||Now I just feel bad for you.|
- Hi. Ben?|
|00:39:54||Oh. Hey, Allison.|
|00:39:58||- How's it going?
- Good, good.|
I was just calling to...|
|00:40:03||To let you know that I've
decided to keep the baby.|
|00:40:06||I'm keeping it.|
|00:40:09||Yeah. So, that's what's happening with that.|
|00:40:14||Good. That's good. That's what
I was hoping you'd do.|
|00:40:19||Yeah. Yeah, it is good.|
|00:40:23||Okay, I know we didn't plan this,|
|00:40:25||and, you know,
neither of us really thought|
|00:40:27||it was gonna happen,|
|00:40:28||but life is like that,
|00:40:29||you can't plan for it.|
|00:40:31||And even if we did plan,|
|00:40:32||life doesn't care about
your plans, necessarily.|
|00:40:35||And you just kind of have
to go with the flow and,|
|00:40:38||I know my job is to just
support you in whatever|
|00:40:41||it is you wanna do,|
|00:40:42||and, I'm in, you know.|
|00:40:44||So whatever you wanna do,|
|00:40:46||I'm gonna do,
you know. It's...|
|00:40:49||I'm on board. Yay!|
|00:40:53||I really appreciate you saying that.|
You know, so I'll tell you,|
|00:40:58||you know, maybe if you could
help me by telling me, like,|
|00:41:01||one thing that I am supposed to do,|
|00:41:04||then that would be good,|
|00:41:05||because I literally have no idea whatsoever.|
|00:41:08||I have no idea, either.|
|00:41:11||So, do you want to, like,
get together and talk about it|
|00:41:15||or something like that?|
|00:41:16||- Yeah, sure.
- Like a date? I mean...|
|00:41:30||- You look beautiful.
- Thank you.|
|00:41:32||No problem. Come on in.|
|00:41:35||- Everyone, this is Allison.
|00:41:37||- Ally. Hey. Jason, I'm sure you remember.
|00:41:40||- You look beautiful.
- Thank you.|
|00:41:42||Your body's responding
really well to the pregnancy.|
|00:41:46||It's amazing how fast the milk arrives.|
|00:41:49||How's your sis?|
|00:41:52||- Oh, good. Tell her, 'What's up?' for me.
|00:41:54||All right, I'm gonna go make a protein shake.|
|00:41:58||And this beautiful young man is Jonah.|
|00:42:05||Okay, that's Martin and Jodi over there.|
|00:42:10||I'm gonna grab my shirt.
Just take a seat if you want.|
|00:42:21||You are scared, aren't you?|
|00:42:30||- Just another day at the office.
|00:42:36||Do you have any acting experience?|
|00:42:40||How's it going?
You wanna toke?|
|00:42:42||No. I'm good.|
|00:42:46||- I'm Jodi.
- Yeah, hi.|
|00:42:48||- I heard you were pregnant.
|00:42:50||Oh, aren't you scared?|
|00:42:52||The way it's gonna come out of your...|
|00:42:54||It's gonna hurt a lot, I bet.
|00:42:57||That's so sick.|
|00:43:00||I don't know.|
|00:43:01||Are you hungry?|
|00:43:02||No, I'm okay right now.
|00:43:04||You must be angry at the baby whenever|
|00:43:06||it steals your food, huh?|
|00:43:07||'Oh, it's mine, not yours.'|
|00:43:09||But, you know,
because you're family,|
|00:43:12||you got to share.|
|00:43:15||Man, my balls are shaved.
My pubes are trimmed.|
|00:43:18||I'm ready to fucking rock this shit.|
|00:43:20||What the fuck, man?|
|00:43:21||If I go in there and see
fucking pubes sprinkled|
|00:43:24||on the toilet seat,|
|00:43:25||I'm gonna fucking lose my mind!|
|00:43:27||Last time I went to the bathroom, Jay,|
|00:43:28||I took a shit and my shit looked
like a fucking stuffed animal!|
|00:43:31||You're embarrassing me in company.|
|00:43:33||You embarrass yourself.|
|00:43:35||Oh, great. I hope you have a great evening!|
|00:43:38||- All right. Let's go.
|00:43:40||See you guys later.|
|00:43:44||The funny thing is I really
had never even thought|
|00:43:47||about having a baby.|
- I mean, if this hadn't happened,|
|00:43:50||I don't think I would have
wanted to have a baby for like,|
|00:43:53||- I don't know, at least 10 years.
- At least!|
|00:43:56||God, I mean, honestly,
I just got used to the, like,|
|00:43:59||notion that someone would even
have sex with me.|
|00:44:02||I didn't think this would happen.|
|00:44:06||This will be coming out of you in seven months.|
|00:44:09||This is exactly what our baby will look like.|
|00:44:11||- It's a beautiful picture, Ben.
- It is. It's not bad.|
|00:44:15||Our baby's gonna be French-Canadian.|
|00:44:17||With a little hint of Spanish.|
|00:44:18||Exactly. I'm not good with accents, but...|
|00:44:21||- Baby books.
|00:44:23||'What to Expect When You're Expecting.'|
|00:44:25||What can we expect?|
|00:44:26||Well, you can't eat sushi.|
|00:44:29||You can't smoke.|
|00:44:31||You can't smoke marijuana.
You can't smoke crack.|
|00:44:34||You can't jump on trampolines.|
|00:44:36||This is basically a giant list
of things you can't do.|
|00:44:39||Yeah, it sounds thrilling.|
|00:44:40||I'm gonna be sitting there on the trampoline|
|00:44:43||And you're not gonna have anything to do.|
|00:44:45||You're gonna be bored.|
|00:44:46||But I can't wait to read these, honestly.|
|00:44:47||Seriously, I put these
in front of my toilet, though,|
|00:44:49||they'll be read by tomorrow morning.|
|00:44:51||- Do you want me to get you that?
|00:44:52||- You like it?
- Yeah, thank you.|
|00:44:55||These are heavy.|
|00:45:11||So what do you think?
Should we have sex tonight?|
|00:45:18||I'm just really constipated.|
|00:45:21||Do you really want to?|
|00:45:26||It's pretty crazy,
your sister's pregnant.|
|00:45:28||We have to help her.|
|00:45:29||I think they'll be fine.
Look at us. It happened to us.|
|00:45:32||We'll help her raise the baby.|
|00:45:44||At least we don't have
to use a condom, you know?|
|00:45:49||But we can. I don't...
I brought some|
|00:45:51||just in case. I don't...|
|00:45:52||I don't have VD or anything.
I mean, I don't, I thought...|
|00:45:55||It's not that.|
|00:45:56||You know, it's just...|
|00:45:57||I thought maybe we could get
a little fun out of|
|00:46:00||your situation, you know?|
|00:46:02||Okay, first of all,
it's not my situation.|
|00:46:04||It's our situation.|
|00:46:05||I know, of course,
I know that.|
|00:46:06||And just because I'm pregnant,
I'm not some ruined woman|
|00:46:08||and all romance goes out the door.|
|00:46:10||Okay, okay. I'm sorry.|
|00:46:16||I like you a lot.
That's all this is. That's...|
|00:46:23||I like you, too.|
|00:46:25||A little, so far.|
|00:46:27||I mean, we have seven months
before the baby comes.|
|00:46:29||- We don't have to rush it.
|00:46:31||We should really just try
to get to know each other|
|00:46:34||and give this a real shot.|
|00:46:36||You know, we got ourselves into this situation.|
|00:46:39||We kind of have to.|
|00:46:40||- For the baby, right?
|00:46:44||Okay, if this was our second
date, what would you do?|
|00:46:48||B.J., if I'm just being
honest, I would probably...|
|00:46:53||I told my roommates I thought I was gonna|
|00:46:56||get a B.J., so...|
|00:46:57||You know what?|
|00:46:58||For the sake of getting to know one another,|
|00:47:00||can you not talk like that?|
|00:47:01||Yeah, I can do that.
I'm... I'm really nervous.|
|00:47:05||I'm nervous, too.
I'm really nervous.|
|00:47:20||You're a sweet guy, right?|
|00:47:23||I think I am. Yeah.|
|00:47:25||Don't fuck me over, okay?|
|00:47:28||I wouldn't do that.|
|00:47:30||Just so you know,
I'm the guy girls fuck over.|
|00:47:34||I'm that guy.
So you don't fuck me over.|
|00:47:37||I couldn't take it.
I can't raise this baby alone.|
|00:47:58||I'm Ben Stone.|
|00:48:01||He's my boyfriend.|
|00:48:06||I've never met him before.|
|00:48:08||Well, he's a new boyfriend.|
|00:48:10||But a boyfriend.|
|00:48:11||So he came over for breakfast because|
|00:48:13||he's your new boyfriend?|
He came from his house.|
|00:48:17||Drove over to our house|
|00:48:18||because he thought it would be fun|
|00:48:20||to have breakfast with us,|
|00:48:21||so he drove his car from his house to our house|
|00:48:24||to have breakfast.|
|00:48:25||Because he likes breakfast so much.|
|00:48:28||I love breakfast.|
|00:48:30||You guys wanna hear something neat?
We're gonna have a baby together.|
- Yeah, a baby.|
|00:48:36||Well, you're not married.|
|00:48:37||Aren't you supposed
to be married to have a baby?|
|00:48:40||You don't have to be.|
|00:48:41||But they should be
because they love each other,|
|00:48:43||and people who love each other
get married and have babies.|
|00:48:48||Do you love each other?|
|00:48:50||Yes, they love each other.
Because that's what you do.|
|00:48:53||When you love each other,
you get married|
|00:48:56||and have a baby.|
|00:48:57||Where do babies come from?|
|00:48:59||Where do you think they come from?|
|00:49:01||Well, I think a stork,
he drops it down,|
|00:49:05||and then a hole goes in your body,|
|00:49:07||and there's blood everywhere,
coming out of your head,|
|00:49:09||and then you push your belly button,|
|00:49:11||and then your butt falls off,|
|00:49:13||and then you hold your butt
and you have to dig,|
|00:49:16||and you'll find a little baby.|
|00:49:18||That's exactly right.|
|00:49:21||Feed the Teddy bear.|
|00:49:22||Okay, I feed your bear the grass?|
|00:49:29||You know what your bear would also like|
|00:49:31||to do with some grass?|
|00:49:34||What do you think of him?
He's funny, right?|
|00:49:40||All right, bring it back.|
|00:49:43||He's playing fetch with my kids.|
|00:49:45||He's treating my kids like they're dogs.|
|00:49:46||No, he's not.|
|00:49:48||Go get it! Fetch!|
|00:49:49||Who plays fetch with kids?|
He's making an effort.|
|00:49:53||- Bring it back.
- He's overweight.|
|00:49:56||Where does that end?|
|00:49:57||- How old is he?
|00:50:01||He can barely get in and out
of that little house.|
|00:50:04||Imagine how much bigger he's gonna get.|
|00:50:06||That means he has bad genes.|
|00:50:08||Your kid is gonna be overweight.|
|00:50:12||I'm gonna get you!|
|00:50:14||I'm gonna get...|
|00:50:19||Just give him a break.|
|00:50:24||Okay. I'll try.|
|00:50:33||They seem to love bubbles.|
|00:50:35||Oh, God. They go ape shit over bubbles.|
|00:50:38||They're really going ape shit.|
|00:50:39||I mean, that's an incredible
thing about a child.|
|00:50:43||I mean, what's so great about bubbles?|
|00:50:44||They float. You can pop them.
I mean, I get it. I get it.|
|00:50:48||I wish I liked anything as much
as my kids like bubbles.|
|00:50:51||- That's sad.
- It's totally sad.|
|00:50:53||Their smiling faces just
point out your inability|
|00:50:57||to enjoy anything.|
|00:50:58||Am I gonna be okay, man?|
|00:51:01||Oh, who knows?|
|00:51:04||Is anybody okay? I'm not okay.|
|00:51:06||You're asking the wrong guy.|
|00:51:08||Just don't ask me to lend you
any money, you know?|
|00:51:11||Can I just have some?|
|00:51:18||I have 15 years of tennis lessons.|
|00:51:22||And 12 years of sucking dick lessons.|
|00:51:25||I can't ref the next games,
by the way.|
|00:51:27||I got to go meet gynecologists with Allison.|
|00:51:30||She doesn't like her gynecologist.|
|00:51:32||- You think she likes you?
- She's trying to.|
|00:51:36||- She's entertaining the idea of liking you.
- Exactly. I'll take that.|
|00:51:39||Yeah, well, see, she's bringing you
to the gynaechiatrist.|
|00:51:41||- She must like you.
- Yeah. Pretty good, I think.|
|00:51:43||You know who I'd like to get pregnant,
is that Felicity Huffman, man.|
|00:51:46||Ever since TransAmerica, I can't
get her out of my mind.|
|00:51:49||Okay, guys. I hate to crack the whip,|
|00:51:51||but it's kind of business meeting time.|
|00:51:53||I need moolah.|
|00:51:56||- When do you think we can launch this site?
|00:51:58||Look, man. You can't rush this.|
|00:52:00||You know what happens
to these sites when they go up|
|00:52:02||and they don't function well?
|00:52:04||Seriously, guys, let's say
I want to launch today.|
|00:52:07||Let's start. Let's use that
as a jumping off point.|
|00:52:10||Let's make this happen.
What can we do?|
|00:52:12||Look, man, I didn't go to Yale so I could work|
|00:52:14||12 hours a day.|
|00:52:15||I thought you went
to Santa Monica City College.|
|00:52:17||I went where I went, Jason.|
|00:52:18||I'm not asking you to work 12 hours a day.|
|00:52:20||I mean, you guys watch movies
without nudity in them.|
|00:52:23||I'll tell you what, man.
We could probably|
|00:52:25||get it online in three months.|
|00:52:26||Thank you. Yes! Three months.|
|00:52:28||Come on, Jason!|
|00:52:31||Yeah, well, you still have
a little dick, Cartman.|
|00:52:35||- Do you have mints?
- Yeah, right there.|
|00:52:36||I see what you're saying.
|00:52:38||I don't get how you're comfortable|
|00:52:40||with any of these guys|
|00:52:40||when they're doing what they're doing to you.|
|00:52:44||Oh, there that shit is.
I've been looking for that.|
|00:52:47||The first guy,
when he put his finger in,|
|00:52:49||he gave me this look like,|
|00:52:50||'Sorry, man, it's the job'
and I'm like, 'Don't look|
|00:52:54||at me when your finger's...'|
|00:52:55||I mean, get in and get out.
Get on with your day,|
|00:52:58||That's the closest I'll ever come to being|
|00:53:01||in a threesome, I think.|
|00:53:03||If you had to do a threesome with me and one|
|00:53:05||of my other roommates,|
|00:53:06||who would it be?|
|00:53:09||I'm gonna have to go with Jay.|
|00:53:13||I'm really turned on by his
sort of skinny awkwardness|
|00:53:16||- and his hot little Mohawk.
- His Mohawk.|
|00:53:19||You two are never allowed to be in
the same room ever again.|
|00:53:22||If we ever had a three-way
with Jay, you turn around,|
|00:53:24||he'd be sucking my dick.|
|00:53:25||I'm telling you right now.|
|00:53:27||- Do you smoke cigarettes?
|00:53:29||Do you smoke cigarettes?|
|00:53:32||I have on occasion.|
|00:53:33||On occasion? When? When was
the last time you had one cig?|
|00:53:36||You know, one, you know, little...|
|00:53:37||I need to know,
or I will not be your doctor.|
|00:53:41||How you doing?|
|00:53:43||I'm breathing like James Gandolfini over here.|
|00:53:47||Slow down, man.
You're making me look|
|00:53:49||like a jackass.|
|00:53:50||How long you kids been married?|
|00:53:52||- We're not.
|00:53:54||She's not single.
She's just not married.|
|00:53:57||Are you two together?|
|00:54:00||Hey, you wanna trade boyfriends?|
|00:54:03||Just kidding. Kind of.|
|00:54:10||That is not your vagina.
That's your asshole.|
|00:54:15||That happens about five times a day.|
|00:54:17||Are you sure you don't wanna come paintballing?|
|00:54:19||Have fun, guys. Seriously.
Watch the eyes.|
|00:54:22||- See you, guys.
- See you, Ally. Bye.|
|00:54:23||I don't wanna go.
I swear to God.|
|00:54:27||I wanna see Breathless at the LACMA.|
|00:54:31||Boobs! Boobs, boobs, boobs!|
|00:54:33||Hold on, pause it,
pause it, pause it.|
|00:54:35||Boobs and bush!
Boobs and bush.|
|00:54:36||- Good boobs.
- Those are good ones!|
|00:54:38||We're like 35 seconds in. Nice.|
|00:54:40||- Right in the beginning credits.
- Credit bush.|
|00:54:42||- You never get opening credit bush.
- I know. That's so crazy.|
|00:54:48||You got me.|
|00:54:50||You got me.|
|00:54:52||How many doctors are there in your practice?|
|00:54:54||Just 'cause I'm sort of looking for a more|
|00:54:57||I wanna make sure that you're my doctor|
|00:54:59||on the day, and...|
|00:55:00||Yeah, I understand.|
|00:55:02||We have three other doctors in the practice,|
|00:55:05||but I'm your man, okay?|
|00:55:07||I don't take vacations.
I hate Hawaii.|
|00:55:10||I went to the Caribbean when I was 14,|
|00:55:12||and I'm never going back.|
|00:55:14||I feel really good about this.
I think we found our doctor.|
|00:55:19||- Are you serious right now?
|00:55:23||- You look relieved.
- I am very relieved.|
|00:55:25||I can't imagine meeting any more of you people.|
|00:55:29||You're being dramatic.
We didn't meet that many.|
|00:55:39||Do they know?|
|00:55:45||Oh, yeah. The donuts,
they call to me.|
|00:55:48||- Hey, Allison. Great job.
|00:55:53||- You're pregnant, aren't you?
|00:55:56||I mean, you've put on like,
eight pounds, nine.|
|00:55:59||It's all in your uterus.|
|00:56:04||I haven't told them.
Do you think|
|00:56:06||they're gonna be mad?|
|00:56:07||I'm, like, really chickening out about this.|
|00:56:10||It's okay. We can hide this.|
|00:56:12||We'll dress you in black,
and we'll emphasize|
|00:56:17||I mean, your boobs are gonna be big.|
|00:56:19||And then they're gonna be, like, scary big.|
|00:56:22||But then they'll go down.
And then they'll stay down.|
|00:56:25||Just... Just don't say anything, okay?|
|00:56:27||Please don't say anything.|
|00:56:28||Oh, no, I won't, I won't.
Just tell them. They'll be cool.|
|00:56:33||Everybody loves somebody pregnant.|
|00:56:38||Did you see this sex offender website?|
|00:56:40||These are all the sex
offenders in our neighborhood.|
|00:56:43||Looks like your computer has chicken pox.|
|00:56:46||Those are sex offenders.|
|00:56:48||These people live in our neighborhood.|
|00:56:50||Well, I'll skip their houses
when we're trick-or-treating.|
|00:56:52||What do you want me to do?
Form a posse?|
|00:56:55||Got your six-shooter on you?
I got my lynching rope.|
|00:56:57||You shouldn't take it so lightly.|
|00:56:59||I don't take it lightly.|
|00:57:00||You know, I'm not gonna go over to any of these|
|00:57:02||people's houses and say,|
|00:57:03||'Hey, do you mind...
Can you baby-sit?'|
|00:57:05||If I didn't care about these things,|
|00:57:07||you wouldn't care about anything.|
|00:57:10||You're so concerned with stuff, like|
|00:57:11||'Don't get them vaccinated.|
|00:57:12||'Don't let them eat fish.
There's mercury in the water.'|
|00:57:15||Jesus, how much Dateline NBC can you watch?|
|00:57:17||I know we're supposed to be nice|
|00:57:19||with each other right now,|
|00:57:20||but I'm having a really hard time.|
|00:57:21||- I'm struggling with it right now.
- What am I doing?|
|00:57:24||'Cause I want to rip your
fucking head off because|
|00:57:26||you're so fucking stupid!|
|00:57:28||- This is scary. These are our children.
- Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.|
|00:57:31||- You fucking dipshit. God! You...
|00:57:35||I literally am at a point where
I don't know what I can say.|
|00:57:38||So I'm the bad guy|
|00:57:39||because I'm trying to protect
our kids from child molesters|
|00:57:42||And you're cool 'cause you don't give a shit.|
- Yeah? Is that it?|
|00:57:47||- Pretty much.
- God, you're an asshole.|
|00:57:50||Don't do this in front of Ben.|
|00:57:52||I don't give a shit about Ben.|
|00:57:56||It's okay. I didn't think she did, anyway.|
|00:57:58||Okay, Come on! Let's go.|
|00:58:00||Oh, I can't go.|
|00:58:01||This band is doing a showcase
out in the Valley. I got to go.|
|00:58:07||I got to go.|
|00:58:09||You don't want to know the sex of the baby?|
|00:58:11||That's no fun.|
|00:58:13||Ben knows, but I've sworn him to secrecy.|
|00:58:16||I'll get it out of him.|
|00:58:27||Think we'll ever be as happy
as Baby Björn couple is?|
|00:58:30||We are that happy.|
|00:58:32||Yeah. You look happy.|
|00:58:34||Which is awesome,
'cause I never like|
|00:58:36||guys like you. It's great.|
|00:58:37||You keep saying that. I know.|
|00:58:39||This is it. This is perfect.|
|00:58:43||Holy shit! It's 1,400 bucks.|
|00:58:45||We can just borrow yours.
Is that okay?|
|00:58:47||No. You need your own crib.|
|00:58:49||You know, there's one
of these lying in an alley|
|00:58:51||behind my house.|
|00:58:52||We could just grab that.
Just rub Purell all over it.|
|00:58:54||You know what? Let me buy it.|
|00:58:56||I need to get you a baby present anyway.|
|00:58:58||- And I would love to get it for you.
|00:59:00||I'm serious. I want to.|
|00:59:01||No. It's too much.|
|00:59:05||Yes. We'll take it.|
|00:59:07||Obviously, I mean,
don't insult the woman.|
|00:59:08||She wants to get us a gift.|
|00:59:11||Wanna buy me some new shoes?
What else can I|
|00:59:13||squeeze out of you?|
|00:59:14||Xbox 360. Xbox 360.|
|00:59:18||So hot in the Valley.|
|00:59:19||Hey! Oh, Allison!
|00:59:23||How are you?|
|00:59:24||It's so good to see you.|
|00:59:27||We've been watching you on E!
It's the coolest thing.|
|00:59:29||Yeah, it's been super
exciting, just crazy busy.|
|00:59:31||I'm so sorry I haven't called.|
|00:59:33||Oh, it's fine.
Hi, I'm Ashley.|
|00:59:34||- This is my friend, Ben.
- I'm Ben.|
|00:59:36||I went to school with Allison.|
|00:59:37||Okay, so, is Debbie having another baby?|
|00:59:39||No. Allison is.|
|00:59:41||What? I just saw you a couple months ago.|
|00:59:44||It was a big surprise.|
|00:59:46||It's actually... It's a really
funny story, actually.|
|00:59:49||If you guys... If you got a second to hear it.|
|00:59:50||It's not really funny.
It's not funny.|
|00:59:52||Let them be the judge, okay?
I think it's funny.|
|00:59:55||- You know they say don't drink and drive?
|00:59:57||- Don't drink and bone!
|01:00:02||Yeah, I mean,
she was acting weird,|
|01:00:03||and I really think it's just 'cause, like,|
|01:00:05||you know, I haven't made
an honest woman out of her.|
|01:00:07||She's carrying my bastard child.
No one wants that.|
|01:00:10||That's what I did.
I mean, I married Debbie|
|01:00:11||when she got pregnant.|
|01:00:12||You think she's, like,
|01:00:14||Like, she's, like, embarrassed
by me or something like that?|
|01:00:16||Probably. I'd hide you.|
|01:00:18||How much do wedding rings cost?|
|01:00:20||I mean, it really depends,
|01:00:22||I think you're supposed to spend,
like, three months' pay on a ring.|
|01:00:25||That'll be easy.
I don't make any money.|
|01:00:27||Really? I thought there was
lot of money in porn.|
|01:00:29||God, it's not porn, okay?|
|01:00:31||All we do is we show you what nude scenes|
|01:00:34||are in what movies.|
|01:00:35||Oh, like Mr. Skin?|
|01:00:37||Who's Mr. Skin?|
|01:00:38||Dude, Mr. Skin.|
|01:00:45||We've wasted 14 months of our lives.|
|01:00:47||This is exactly the same as our site.|
|01:00:50||How the fuck did this happen?|
|01:00:51||Mr. Skin. That's even a better name than ours!|
|01:00:53||Fuck me in the beard.|
|01:00:55||Dude, they got the top 10 group shower scenes!|
|01:00:57||Why didn't you think of that, Jay?|
|01:00:58||Don't put this on me!|
|01:01:00||God damn it!|
|01:01:01||Well, shit, I saw it online
at one point, but I guess|
|01:01:04||I didn't connect the dots.|
|01:01:05||What are we gonna do now?|
|01:01:07||All we need to do is think
of a new, better idea|
|01:01:09||that no one else has thought of already.|
|01:01:11||Oh, dude, Spider-Man 3 starts in eight minutes.|
|01:01:13||Don't worry, man.
We'll figure it out.|
|01:01:22||You know what?|
|01:01:24||I think just because this site exists|
|01:01:27||doesn't mean our site won't work, necessarily.|
|01:01:30||Good things come in pairs, man, you know.|
|01:01:31||Oh, for sure.|
|01:01:33||Volcano, Dante's Peak,
Deep Impact, Armageddon, right?|
|01:01:36||Wyatt Earp, Tombstone.|
Yoshinoya Beef Bowl.|
|01:01:41||Exactly. We can work together.|
|01:01:42||This can help us,
if anything, I think.|
|01:01:45||We're fine. We're golden.|
|01:01:48||Look, Allison, I'm sure
this isn't how you pictured|
|01:01:51||it being, exactly,|
|01:01:52||and it's not how I wanted it to be,|
|01:01:54||but that is why I'm presenting
you this empty box.|
|01:01:57||It's a promise, Allison.|
|01:01:59||It's a promise that one day I will...|
|01:02:02||I will fill this box
with a ring that you deserve,|
|01:02:05||a beautiful ring.|
|01:02:06||And I can't afford it yet.|
|01:02:08||I've picked it out already,
though, and it's at De Beers,|
|01:02:11||and it's really nice.|
|01:02:13||So basically I'm asking you,
will you marry me?|
|01:02:17||Because I'm in love with you.|
|01:02:22||I love you, too.|
that's so nice to hear.|
|01:02:27||That's the first time a girl's
ever said that to me, so...|
|01:02:32||But here's the thing.|
|01:02:35||There's a thing?|
|01:02:36||I don't really know yet what
that love means, you know.|
|01:02:40||Just 'cause it's so new,
and it's so exciting|
|01:02:43||that it's great.|
|01:02:45||I don't know. We've only known each other|
|01:02:47||17 weeks, so it's...|
|01:02:50||Honestly, I mean, I thought...|
|01:02:53||I thought you felt weird
that we're having a baby|
|01:02:56||and we're not engaged or anything.|
|01:02:57||- I'm gonna get off my knee.
|01:02:59||It's hurting a little bit.|
|01:03:00||No, I'm okay with that.|
|01:03:02||You know, we're just doing what we can.|
|01:03:04||We're making the best of it,
and I don't want us|
|01:03:06||to put any more pressure on ourselves|
|01:03:08||than we already have.|
That makes perfect sense.|
|01:03:11||Are you okay? I don't want
to hurt your feelings.|
|01:03:12||No, no, no.
Honestly, I just wanted|
|01:03:14||to do right by you, you know?|
|01:03:15||So if you don't want to,
that's totally cool, you know?|
|01:03:20||I really do love you.|
|01:03:22||I know. Thanks.|
|01:03:24||You mentioned that. It's nice.|
|01:03:33||Ben proposed to me.|
- He did.|
|01:03:37||It was really sweet.
I kind of feel|
|01:03:39||a little bit bad about it.|
|01:03:41||He was, like, wearing
this great little button-down.|
|01:03:43||He tucked his shirt in.
He got down on one knee.|
|01:03:46||It was so sweet.|
|01:03:47||He didn't have an actual ring, though.|
|01:03:49||It was just an empty box.|
|01:03:50||But, you know,
he had this whole spiel|
|01:03:52||about when he has the money,|
|01:03:53||he's gonna buy me
the ring that I deserve and...|
|01:03:56||The box was just empty?|
|01:03:58||I mean, he can't afford a ring, so...|
|01:04:00||So he got down on one knee
and gave you an empty box?|
|01:04:07||Get over it. It was sweet.|
|01:04:09||I'm telling you,
if you'd been there,|
|01:04:10||you would have probably cried.|
|01:04:11||- You need to train him.
|01:04:13||Oprah said that when two people meet,|
|01:04:18||they are forced to point out each other's|
|01:04:20||differences and flaws.|
|01:04:22||I thought you were supposed
to just accept people for who|
|01:04:24||they are, love them anyway.|
|01:04:25||You criticize them a lot,|
|01:04:27||and then they get so down on themselves|
|01:04:29||that they're forced to change.|
|01:04:30||Really? You don't think
that would just make it worse?|
|01:04:32||That'd be, like, naggy.|
|01:04:33||And then in the end,
they thank you for it.|
|01:04:36||You can't commit to him. You can't make|
|01:04:38||a commitment to him.|
|01:04:39||You don't even know him.
I don't even know Pete|
|01:04:42||after 10 years.|
- I don't know what he's up to.|
|01:04:47||Why do you say that?|
|01:04:48||- I think he's cheating on me.
|01:04:50||He's always going off
to these business meetings|
|01:04:53||at odd hours.|
|01:04:54||And then I try to call him on his cell phone,|
|01:04:56||and he says that he's in bad
cell phone reception areas|
|01:04:59||when he's in good cell phone reception areas.|
|01:05:02||Maybe he's working late.|
|01:05:03||You know, I mean, maybe
he's just working really hard|
|01:05:05||to sign a new great band or something.|
|01:05:07||I can't imagine Pete doing something like that.|
|01:05:09||There's no part of you that thinks that maybe|
|01:05:12||he's a dirty little scumbag?|
|01:05:16||I think he might be.|
web memory software.|
|01:05:20||'Locate history files,
|01:05:23||'hidden downloads, searches,
email history. Memory Spy.'|
|01:05:29||Let's see you hide from me now, little man.|
|01:05:40||So you're not even gonna tell them?|
|01:05:42||No. You know,
I don't have to tell them.|
|01:05:45||It's illegal for them
to fire me over it anyway,|
|01:05:48||and I get three months
maternity leave if I stay,|
|01:05:51||so I'm just, you know,
not gonna tell them.|
|01:05:53||- That's a good plan.
- Yeah. I like it.|
|01:05:55||It is a good plan until
her water breaks all over|
|01:05:58||Robert De Niro's shoes.|
Hey, there's all this|
|01:06:01||baby goo on it.'|
|01:06:02||'These shoes? On these shoes?|
|01:06:06||'Did you puke on my shoes?'|
|01:06:08||- 'Did your water break on my shoes?'|
|01:06:09||'Did you puke on my shoes?'|
|01:06:10||Oh, my God.|
|01:06:12||Isn't it weird, though,
when you have a kid|
|01:06:14||and all your dreams and hopes|
|01:06:15||just go right out the window?|
|01:06:17||What changed for you?
What went out the window?|
|01:06:20||You do everything exactly the same.|
|01:06:22||No, I mean, I love what I'm doing. Like, say...|
|01:06:24||Okay, say, you know,
before you're married|
|01:06:27||and have children,|
|01:06:28||you wanna go live in India for a year.|
|01:06:30||You can do it.
But you can't do it|
|01:06:32||once you have a family.|
|01:06:33||- You wanna go live in India?
- I don't wanna go|
|01:06:35||live in India.|
|01:06:35||Do you want to go to India?
Go to India! Seriously,|
|01:06:38||go to India.|
|01:06:39||What about you?
Do you want to go to India?|
|01:06:40||I'm not going to India.
You can go to India.|
|01:06:42||I get what he's talking about.|
|01:06:44||You know, honestly, like,
when I found out about...|
|01:06:47||I totally, like, I just had this flash
of me, like in a white Ford Bronco,|
|01:06:53||and I'm just hauling ass for Canada, man.|
|01:06:56||The chopper's taping
the whole thing, and I just...|
|01:06:59||I bust through the border and I'm a free man!|
|01:07:01||That's all I kept thinking, man.|
|01:07:03||You know what I'm saying?
It was a flash!|
|01:07:04||Wait. What do you mean?
What are you...|
|01:07:06||Don't look at me.|
|01:07:06||We can talk about our fears here.|
|01:07:07||It's not like he did it.|
|01:07:08||I mean, honestly, like,
if Doc Brown screeched up|
|01:07:11||in front of you in the DeLorean.|
|01:07:13||Open the door, he's like,|
|01:07:14||'Hey, Allison, Come on. I got
the car here. What do you wanna do?'|
|01:07:17||No part of your brain would have been,
like, 'You know, maybe we'll go back|
|01:07:20||'to that night and I would maybe
put a condom on Ben's dick.'|
|01:07:25||- You never got that flash?
|01:07:27||And I don't know what you're talking about.|
|01:07:29||'Where we're going,
we don't need roads.'|
You wouldn't do that?|
|01:07:34||I don't know who Doc Brown is.|
|01:07:37||What are you talking about?|
|01:07:38||Doc Brown is the guy who's Christopher Lloyd.|
|01:07:40||He invented the DeLorean,
the time machine.|
|01:07:42||- He's the one who made the time machine.
|01:07:43||It's the time machine.
Everyone has the time machine image.|
|01:07:46||Hey. I have a really good idea.|
|01:07:49||Why don't the two of you
get into your time machine,|
|01:07:53||go back in time and fuck each other?|
|01:07:56||Who needs a time machine?|
|01:07:58||This is my time machine!|
|01:07:59||I'm gonna throw you
in my DeLorean, gun it to '88.|
|01:08:06||You are a funny motherfucker,
|01:08:08||How can you fight with him?
Look at his face.|
|01:08:10||I just want to kiss it.|
|01:08:12||I think he's cute.|
|01:08:13||I like the way you move.|
|01:08:17||This is fun! We should do this more, I think.|
|01:08:20||I mean, this is, like,
the most fun I've had|
|01:08:23||in a really long time.|
|01:08:31||- Come on, harder.
- I can't do it harder.|
|01:08:33||Why? Come on.
Come on, just do it. Deeper.|
|01:08:36||- I can't.
- Oh, why?|
|01:08:38||- I'll poke the baby if I go deeper.
- Oh, Come on! Just do it!|
|01:08:41||Please, don't yell at me,
|01:08:43||What? The doctor and Debbie
said it's fine. Come on!|
|01:08:46||Look, can we... I'm sorry,
can we change positions?|
- I'm gonna crush the baby. I know it.|
|01:08:51||- This is ridiculous! Why are we...
- No, it's not.|
|01:08:53||There's no shell in there,
|01:08:54||Millions of people have sex
when they're pregnant!|
|01:08:57||I don't know how it works.
It just works, okay? Just do it.|
|01:08:59||All I'm thinking of is that I'm gonna...|
|01:09:01||I weigh over 200 pounds.|
|01:09:02||- Just get over it!
- I can't do it. Can you just get on top?|
|01:09:05||All I see is our baby
getting poked in the face by my penis.|
|01:09:09||- Trust me, you're not even close.
|01:09:10||- Come on, fine.
- Okay, fine.|
|01:09:15||Ow, ow, ow, ow.|
|01:09:17||- That's okay.
|01:09:19||Okay. Oh, good.|
|01:09:21||I can't. I can't.|
|01:09:23||I can't. I can't do this,
I just... I can't. I can't.|
|01:09:25||I can't focus like this.|
|01:09:26||I look disgusting from this angle. I can feel|
|01:09:28||you looking up at my chins.|
|01:09:30||- I know I look gross.
- No, you look beautiful.|
|01:09:32||Your chin looks so skinny.|
|01:09:33||And my boobs are all,
like, squishy, and they're|
|01:09:35||- I can feel it, and it's distracting.
|01:09:37||It's all National Geographic.|
|01:09:39||Okay. Can we do...
Do you wanna do doggie style?|
|01:09:42||No. I do not want you to fuck me like a dog.|
|01:09:45||I'm not fucking you
like a dog. It's doggie style.|
|01:09:48||It's just the style.
|01:09:51||It's not like a dog.
We don't have|
|01:09:54||to go outside or anything.|
|01:09:56||- Here we go. Okay.
|01:10:00||- Okay, is it good?
|01:10:01||- Should I go slower?
- Yeah, no, that's good.|
|01:10:03||- Okay, faster?
|01:10:05||- Just tell me when you're close.
- Just go harder.|
- Keep going!|
|01:10:11||- Oh, fuck!
|01:10:12||- What happened?
- Oh, my God.|
|01:10:13||- The baby, it kicked my hand.
- Well, no, no, it always kicks.|
|01:10:16||- No, no, no. Not like this.
- No, it's fine. It's fine. Just keep going.|
|01:10:19||It was a warning kick.
This was a bad kick.|
|01:10:20||No, no, it's fine.
It's fine! It's fine!|
|01:10:22||Look, my dick must be like
an inch away from its face,|
|01:10:25||- and it's coming, just coming in at its face.
- Oh, shit.|
|01:10:27||What if it kicked 'cause it didn't like it?|
|01:10:28||I can't do that to our baby.
That's the first thing it's gonna see.|
|01:10:32||What are you talking about?|
|01:10:34||It's having the baby between,|
|01:10:36||you know, us,
it just makes it weird.|
|01:10:38||It just freaks me out a bit.
It's a little weird.|
|01:10:40||I have totally lost it.|
|01:10:41||- You've totally lost it?
- I've lost it.|
|01:10:45||Great, you know what?
Just forget it.|
|01:10:46||Okay. Okay, fine.|
|01:10:50||Don't worry. I won't make you do this again.|
|01:11:12||Oh, my God. It's the Russians!|
|01:11:16||- Jodi, I'll protect you!
- Oh, man!|
|01:11:21||Oh, my God.|
|01:11:23||Oh, God. Oh, no!|
|01:11:25||Oh, God, that was horrible!
That was so horrible!|
|01:11:28||When will it be light out?|
|01:11:29||Okay, you're fine, man.
Take it easy.|
|01:11:31||- Hey, did anybody turn off the gas?
- I didn't do it.|
|01:11:35||- Hey, Marty.
|01:11:37||This is my friend, Alex.
She's a pretty|
|01:11:39||Okay. Nice to meet you.|
|01:11:42||Whoa, dude! Not cool, Martin.|
|01:11:45||That's... That wasn't...|
|01:11:47||Hey, are you serious,
|01:11:48||- What happened?
- Nothing. Nothing happened.|
|01:11:51||- Come on.
- Where were you?|
|01:11:54||Look, I forgot you were sleeping over.|
|01:11:55||I'm sorry, okay?|
|01:11:56||Yeah, 'cause you're getting
high off your huge bong.|
|01:11:59||How am I supposed to be comfortable|
|01:12:01||with the idea that you can
take care of me and the baby|
|01:12:02||if you are always getting high?|
|01:12:05||You want me to stop smoking pot|
|01:12:06||'cause there's an earthquake
once every 10 years?|
|01:12:08||That makes no sense, Allison.
Look, you're being irrational.|
|01:12:12||Just relax, okay?
We're all scared, you know?|
|01:12:15||Oh, shit, the cops.|
|01:12:39||You know, it's times like this
I'm glad I don't own nice things.|
|01:12:44||It's a big mess,
but there's only like|
|01:12:46||$50 worth of shit here.|
|01:12:47||And that's kind of the good thing.|
|01:12:49||You know, my dad told me,
'Don't move to Northridge.'|
|01:12:51||But you figure, like, what are
the chances of that happening|
|01:12:54||twice, you know?|
|01:12:54||What is this?|
|01:12:56||It's a ninja weapon.|
|01:12:59||I hope this place doesn't get condemned.|
|01:13:02||That would suck.|
- Hey, it's me.|
- Hi. So, listen.|
|01:13:47||Will you do me a big favor?|
|01:13:48||Debbie wants us to come over
and have dinner tonight.|
|01:13:50||She thinks Pete is cheating on her.|
|01:13:54||Well, she saw one of his emails and...|
|01:13:56||- Oh, man.
- There's an address.|
|01:13:58||That sounds terrible.
I don't want to do that.|
|01:13:59||Ben, Come on.|
|01:14:01||He's not cheating on her.|
|01:14:02||- How do you know?
- I just know.|
|01:14:04||- Are you sure?
- I'm 100% sure he's not cheating.|
|01:14:07||Are you really?|
|01:14:10||It actually kind of makes sense
that he would cheat.|
|01:14:13||'Cause Debbie's a pain in the ass
and Pete's awesome.|
|01:14:15||Why don't you just come over
then, and we'll just diffuse|
|01:14:18||the situation a little.|
|01:14:20||I'm just saying the music industry
is different now.|
Steely Dan would never even have a chance.|
|01:14:25||Well, maybe it's 'cause
Steely Dan gargles my balls.|
|01:14:28||- They're incredible.
- They really aren't good, man.|
|01:14:30||Old Steely Dan.|
|01:14:31||If I ever listen to Steely Dan,|
|01:14:33||I want you to slice my head
off with an Al Jarreau LP.|
|01:14:38||Oh, I should get going.|
|01:14:39||I'm supposed to see this
band tonight in Hollywood.|
|01:14:42||Actually, they're playing in Laurel Canyon,|
|01:14:44||so I'll call you 'cause
the reception's terrible|
|01:14:46||over there, so...|
|01:14:48||And I don't want you to worry
'cause I know you worry.|
|01:14:51||I'm just gonna jump in the shower.|
|01:14:52||It would be terrible if I smelled
worse than the band.|
|01:14:55||Okay. Have fun.|
|01:15:01||You guys are crazy.
He's acting totally normal|
|01:15:17||She doesn't have a gun,
|01:15:20||No. I don't think so.|
|01:15:36||Looks like no one's home.|
|01:15:38||Why was the door unlocked?|
|01:15:54||I kind of feel bad for Pete.|
|01:15:58||This isn't a good way,
|01:16:00||If you're gonna get caught cheating,|
|01:16:02||it shouldn't be like this.|
|01:16:04||Well, maybe he should've thought of that|
|01:16:06||before he was cheating.|
- Stop it.|
What do you want from me?|
|01:16:12||There's nobody up there.|
|01:16:16||I guess I was wrong.|
|01:16:18||I told you.|
|01:16:19||- Can we get out of here, please?
- Yeah, Come on. Let's go.|
Did you hear that?|
- I didn't hear anything.|
|01:16:43||- Carlos Delgado.
- Excellent choice.|
|01:16:45||Too bad I got him three rounds ago.
You're still on the clock.|
|01:16:47||- Oh, shit!
- You gotta do something.|
|01:16:49||We need a name.|
|01:16:52||- You just took my whole outfield.
- Sorry, Charlie.|
|01:16:54||What is this?|
|01:16:57||What the fuck is this?|
|01:17:00||It's our fantasy baseball draft.|
|01:17:02||We said no wives.|
|01:17:03||Your fantasy what?|
|01:17:05||It's our draft for fantasy baseball.|
|01:17:08||I told you all about this.|
|01:17:17||Hey, Pete, don't let the door hit you|
|01:17:19||in the vagina on the way out!|
|01:17:20||- Come on, who's going?
- Prince, you're on the clock.|
|01:17:23||I should have told you.|
|01:17:24||- What else have you been lying about?
|01:17:27||That guy said,|
|01:17:28||'Don't let the door hit you
in the vagina on the way out.'|
|01:17:31||Yeah, I heard him.|
|01:17:33||That was hilarious.|
|01:17:34||It's just that I know you've
been mad 'cause I've|
|01:17:36||been working so much,|
|01:17:37||and I didn't want to upset you.|
|01:17:39||I wouldn't be mad.
I don't get mad.|
|01:17:41||It's a fantasy baseball draft.
I'm not cheating or anything.|
|01:17:45||No, this is worse.|
|01:17:47||How is this worse?|
|01:17:48||This is you wanting to be with your friends|
|01:17:51||more than your family.|
|01:17:53||Look, the reason I make
that up is because if I told|
|01:17:55||you what I was really doing,|
|01:17:56||you would just get mad.|
|01:17:58||So you think I'm seeing
a band, I do my fantasy draft,|
|01:18:02||and it's win-win.|
|01:18:04||Well, what'd you do last
Wednesday night when you said|
|01:18:06||you went to see a band?|
|01:18:08||I went to the movies.|
|01:18:09||- With who?
- By myself.|
|01:18:11||What'd you see?|
|01:18:14||Why do you want to go by yourself?
Why didn't you ask me to go?|
|01:18:17||Because I needed to get away, you know.|
|01:18:19||With work and you
and the kids, sometimes I just|
|01:18:21||need some time to myself.|
|01:18:22||I need time for myself.
I want time for myself, too.|
|01:18:25||You're not the only one.|
|01:18:27||It's not that big of a deal.|
|01:18:30||I like Spider-Man.|
|01:18:33||Okay, so let's see Spider-Man 3 next week.|
|01:18:35||I don't wanna go see it now.|
|01:18:38||I don't wanna have to ask you to ask me.|
|01:18:41||I want you to just come up with it on your own.|
|01:18:44||I don't even know what to say.
What do you want me to do?|
|01:18:47||You just think because
you don't yell that you're|
|01:18:50||not mean, but this is mean.|
|01:18:53||I'm not being mean.
I'm being honest.|
|01:18:55||You're telling me I need to be honest.|
|01:18:56||No, you're not. You're lying.|
|01:18:58||I'm doing it because I need to
keep my sanity a little bit.|
|01:19:04||You know what?
I don't want you|
|01:19:06||at the house anymore, okay?|
|01:19:12||Shit, she's coming back.|
|01:19:15||How come we go to the gynecologist so often?|
|01:19:17||I bet we have to go so much
so we can pay for that|
|01:19:20||$300,000 machine he has.|
|01:19:22||I cannot stop thinking
about what an asshole Pete is.|
|01:19:29||That's a little strong,
I would say.|
|01:19:33||'Cause that had to be
one of the most selfish things|
|01:19:35||I've ever witnessed.|
I would say. I even think|
|01:19:39||it's kind of funny.|
|01:19:40||What's funny about it?|
|01:19:42||Well, you won't laugh now,
I wouldn't imagine,|
|01:19:45||but, you know, the situation.|
|01:19:48||We break into this stranger's house|
|01:19:50||thinking we're gonna find him
sleeping with a woman,|
|01:19:53||and it's a bunch of nerds
playing fantasy baseball.|
|01:19:56||If you saw that, like,
on television, you would laugh.|
|01:19:58||Is that what you think?
Is that what you wanna do, Ben?|
|01:20:02||I don't even like baseball.|
|01:20:04||I'm just saying,
when you're a guy and,|
|01:20:06||you know, you have a family,|
|01:20:08||you have responsibility,
you lose that male camaraderie.|
|01:20:10||And I get that.
I totally understand|
|01:20:13||where he's coming from.|
|01:20:14||Why do guys always go to that place?|
|01:20:16||'We miss male camaraderie.'
Why do I give a shit?|
|01:20:18||Go hang out with your bearded
freak friends. I don't care.|
|01:20:21||You wanna hang out with guys
that look like the shoe|
|01:20:23||bomber, it's all on you, man.|
|01:20:24||What the fuck am I supposed to say to that?|
|01:20:26||You should just support me!|
|01:20:27||You know, you should just
support everything I say|
|01:20:30||because at this juncture in my life,
I'm allowed to be wrong!|
|01:20:32||- So if you're wrong, I have to support it?
|01:20:34||I can't tell you that
you're acting like a lunatic?|
- No? Okay.|
You have to do nothing!|
|01:20:40||I've sacrificed a lot of shit to do this!|
|01:20:42||You haven't sacrificed anything!|
|01:20:44||I've had to sacrifice my job,
my body, my youth, my vagina!|
|01:20:48||You've sacrificed your vagina?|
|01:20:49||Yes! It will never look the same after this!|
|01:20:54||Well. Fine. I'm sorry,
I'll pay for vaginal|
|01:20:58||You can't pay for shit!
You can barely buy spaghetti!|
|01:21:01||You're right! Fine! Okay.|
|01:21:03||You know what?
Get out of the car.|
|01:21:06||You know what? How...|
|01:21:07||Why don't you not threaten me?|
|01:21:09||You should just get out of the fucking car.|
|01:21:11||I'm not gonna get out of the car
in the middle of nowhere! No!|
|01:21:13||- Get out of the car!
|01:21:14||- I own this car! Get out of my car!
|01:21:17||- Get out of my car!
|01:21:18||Get out of my fucking car!|
|01:21:32||Can you let me back in the car, please?|
|01:21:34||Have you calmed down?
Did you take a breath?|
|01:21:40||I have no clue where we are!|
|01:22:11||Maybe I should take my shoes off. Or my belt|
|01:22:14||buckle, my belt buckle's huge.|
|01:22:16||Don't worry about gaining weight.|
|01:22:17||Your baby wants you to gain
a whole mess of weight.|
|01:22:20||Are you fucking kidding me?|
|01:22:21||Why don't you take off your earrings, too?|
|01:22:23||They weigh about 80 pounds.|
|01:22:24||They're made out of moon rocks,
|01:22:25||Do not make fun of me.
Okay? I am hormonal.|
|01:22:28||I am terrified,
and I am falling apart,|
|01:22:30||so stop treating everything
like it's a big joke!|
|01:22:33||Okay, I'm sorry you're freaking out,|
|01:22:34||but I just walked three fucking miles through
Koreatown to get here!|
|01:22:38||Sorry if I'm trying
to lighten the mood a little.|
|01:22:40||Well, don't, okay?|
|01:22:41||You can't take anything seriously!|
|01:22:43||You know, you didn't even read the baby books.|
|01:22:45||I didn't read the baby book!
What's gonna happen?|
|01:22:48||How did anyone ever give birth
without a baby book?|
|01:22:50||That's right. The ancient
Egyptians fucking engraved|
|01:22:54||What to Expect When You're Expecting|
|01:22:55||on the pyramid walls!|
|01:22:56||I forgot about that!|
|01:22:58||Who gives a flying fuck about the baby books?|
|01:23:00||It just shows your lack of commitment, Ben!|
|01:23:03||That you're not in this with me!|
|01:23:06||Did you just say 'my lack
of commitment'? 'Cause|
|01:23:08||that's what it sounded like.|
|01:23:09||It almost seems as though you forgot I proposed|
|01:23:12||to you, like an asshole!|
|01:23:14||And you said no to me!|
|01:23:16||If you feel that way,
you should just go.|
|01:23:18||Really. Just go.|
|01:23:20||Because we didn't mean
to do this together, okay?|
|01:23:23||And... And we tried to make it work|
|01:23:25||and that was good, I suppose.|
|01:23:27||But it doesn't work.|
|01:23:29||Because we are two completely different people.|
|01:23:31||And I think it would just be
easier for both of us|
|01:23:33||if we stop fooling ourselves.|
|01:23:35||You know, I know this isn't you talking,|
|01:23:36||it's your hormones,|
|01:23:37||but I would just like to say,
fuck you, hormones!|
|01:23:40||You are a crazy bitch,
|01:23:43||Not Allison! Hormones!|
|01:23:45||Fuck them! It's a girl!
Buy some pink shit!|
|01:23:48||Nice. You are such an asshole.|
|01:23:51||You know what?
Go fuck your fucking bong, you fuck!|
|01:23:54||I will fuck my bong.
Doggie style, for once.|
|01:24:01||Are you ready?|
|01:24:06||I'm really sorry about all that.
That was really inappropriate.|
|01:24:09||Oh, no, that's okay.
It happens all the time here.|
|01:24:11||- Oh, good, okay, I don't feel so stupid, then.
- No, no, not at all.|
|01:24:15||I totally know what you're talking about, man.|
|01:24:17||Like, if I wrote out the list of shit Allison|
|01:24:19||doesn't let me do,|
|01:24:20||like, it would be endless.
'Don't smoke pot. Don't have|
|01:24:23||samurai swords in your room.|
|01:24:25||'Don't have illegal grow
operations in the house.'|
|01:24:27||I mean, like,
I could go on all fucking day.|
|01:24:30||Have I told her to stop
doing anything ever? No.|
|01:24:33||Marriage is like that show,
Everybody Loves Raymond,|
|01:24:35||but it's not funny.|
|01:24:37||All the problems are the same,
|01:24:40||You know, instead of
all the funny, pithy dialog,|
|01:24:42||everybody's just really pissed off and tense.|
|01:24:45||Marriage is like an unfunny,
tense version of|
|01:24:49||Everybody Loves Raymond.|
|01:24:50||But it doesn't last 22 minutes.|
|01:24:54||It lasts forever.|
|01:24:57||Let's get out of here, man.
Honestly, like, let's just go.|
|01:25:01||- Let's go to Vegas.
- Let's do it.|
- Why not?|
|01:25:10||- Get up.
|01:25:12||- We're not gonna do this.
|01:25:16||What are you doing?|
|01:25:18||We have to go do something and have fun!|
|01:25:23||I'm just so tired.|
|01:25:24||I know you're tired.|
|01:25:25||But we're gonna be untired!
We're gonna go live!|
|01:25:30||I hate you so much sometimes.|
|01:25:32||We're gonna be positive.|
|01:25:33||Positive, positive, positive! Up!|
|01:25:36||How many Red Bulls have you had?|
|01:25:38||I've had about three Red Bulls
in the last 15 minutes.|
|01:25:41||And I feel fabulous!|
|01:25:42||We're gonna create a new life
and it's gonna be awesome!|
|01:25:46||Get up! Let's go!|
|01:25:50||Since when do we lock
this fucking thing? Come on!|
|01:25:58||We can't go, dude. Sorry.|
|01:26:00||Holy crap! What happened?|
|01:26:02||We got pink eye.|
|01:26:04||What, you giving each other
butterfly kisses or something?|
|01:26:06||Ha, ha, ha. Very funny.
That's not how you get pink eye.|
|01:26:08||You get it from poo particles making their way|
|01:26:10||into your ocular cavities.|
|01:26:12||Hey, Ben. How's it going?
|01:26:14||I farted on Jason's pillow as a practical joke.|
|01:26:17||He farted on Jonah's,
thinking it was mine,|
|01:26:19||and then eventually pink-eyed my pillow.|
|01:26:23||I'm not proud of any of this,
but I think we've all|
|01:26:27||forgiven each other.|
|01:26:29||But we can't go anywhere.|
|01:26:30||You can get pink eye from farting in a pillow?|
|01:26:35||Yeah, but you got to be bare-assed.|
|01:26:37||Jesus, Martin got it bad!|
|01:26:39||What, did someone take a dump
right in your eye?|
|01:26:41||No. No pink eye for me.|
|01:26:45||I'm just really high.|
|01:26:49||Well, stay back, guys.
I got to get my suit, okay?|
|01:26:58||Are you Debbie's husband?|
|01:27:05||- This is fun!
- This is great.|
|01:27:06||- It's just fun, man.
- We're gonna have the best time ever.|
|01:27:09||- We make a good team, man.
|01:27:11||It's like, I can't come here with Debbie.|
|01:27:13||She wouldn't understand it.
She doesn't understand.|
|01:27:15||She wants to hold me in,
and she was telling Allison|
|01:27:17||she could train you.|
|01:27:18||She thinks she could train me?|
|01:27:19||Yeah, like you're running the Triple Crown.|
|01:27:21||She can't train this!
I'm like Siegfried and Roy's Bengal.|
|01:27:24||You think I'm trained. I'll...|
|01:27:26||- I'll bite your fucking face off!
- That's right.|
|01:27:28||In front of a crowd, baby.|
|01:27:29||This is better. Besides,
I don't know if I have enough|
|01:27:32||of these babies to go around.|
|01:27:34||My God! Are these mushrooms?|
|01:27:35||Uh-huh. I got them from
a roadie for the Black Crowes.|
|01:27:37||I'm eating them.|
|01:27:38||No, no, no. Save it!
I got tickets|
|01:27:39||to Cirque du Soleil.|
|01:27:41||You do? No, you don't.|
|01:27:42||I swear to God, man.|
|01:27:46||See? I see the beam of light.|
|01:27:47||There it is, baby! Whoo-hoo!|
|01:27:50||You're so money that you don't even know|
|01:27:52||how much money you have.|
|01:27:53||You're money, baby!
|01:28:00||I love Vegas, man.|
|01:28:03||This is the greatest place on Earth.|
|01:28:04||It's really amazing here.
You got my tie!|
|01:28:08||This is awesome!|
|01:28:12||Now, that's how you get pink eye.|
|01:28:21||Hey, what's up? Baby girl.|
End of the line, please.|
|01:28:31||Oh, Come on.|
|01:28:33||Look, we're at capacity, okay?|
|01:28:36||We'll let some people in
when it clears out a little.|
|01:28:38||You'll get right in if you go
back to the end of the line.|
|01:28:41||We come here all the time.
It's not a big deal.|
|01:28:43||It doesn't really look that crowded in there.|
I don't make the rules.|
|01:28:50||Hey, what's up, shorty?
What's up, pretty girls?|
|01:28:55||See y'all when y'all get out.|
|01:28:59||What was that?|
|01:29:01||What the fuck was that?
It is what it is, sweetie.|
|01:29:03||Now can you step to the back, please?|
|01:29:04||You don't need to call me sweetie.|
|01:29:05||Maybe we should just go.|
|01:29:06||Maybe you should listen to your friend.|
|01:29:07||No, you don't need to call me sweetie.|
|01:29:09||All right, you want to come in,
you're gonna have to go|
|01:29:11||to the end of the line
and wait like everybody else.|
|01:29:13||I'm not gonna go to
the end of the fucking line.|
|01:29:15||Who the fuck are you?|
|01:29:16||I have just as much of a right to be here|
|01:29:19||as any of these little skanky girls!|
|01:29:21||What, am I not skanky enough for you?|
|01:29:23||You want me to hike up my fucking skirt?|
|01:29:24||What the fuck is your problem?
I'm not going anywhere!|
|01:29:28||You're just some roided out
freak with a fucking clipboard!|
|01:29:31||And your stupid little fucking
rope! You know what?|
|01:29:34||You may have power now,
but you're not God!|
|01:29:37||You're a doorman! Okay?|
|01:29:39||You're a doorman, doorman,
doorman, doorman, doorman!|
|01:29:44||So, fuck you, you fucking fag|
|01:29:48||with your fucking little faggy gloves.|
|01:30:01||You're right. I'm so sorry.|
|01:30:04||I fucking hate this job.|
|01:30:06||I don't want to be the one to pass
judgment and decide who gets in.|
|01:30:10||This shit makes me sick to my stomach.|
|01:30:12||I get the runs from the stress.|
|01:30:15||It's not 'cause you're not hot.
I would love to tap that ass.|
|01:30:18||I would tear that ass up.|
|01:30:21||I can't let you in 'cause you're old as fuck,|
|01:30:24||for this club,|
|01:30:25||not, you know, for the Earth.|
|01:30:29||You old. She pregnant.|
|01:30:31||Can't have a bunch of old,
pregnant bitches running around.|
|01:30:36||I'm only allowed to let in
5% black people. He said that. 5%.|
|01:30:40||That mean if there's 25 people here,|
|01:30:42||I get to let in one-and-a-quarter black people.|
|01:30:45||So I got to hope there's a black midget
in the crowd.|
|01:30:48||Now I feel guilty. I'm sorry.|
|01:30:50||Why y'all wanna be in here anyway?|
|01:30:52||Y'all need to be at a yoga class or something.|
|01:30:54||What the fuck is she doing at the club?|
|01:30:56||That's not even good parenting right there.|
|01:30:58||Your old ass should know better than that.|
|01:31:07||Have the mushrooms kicked in yet?|
|01:31:34||This was a great idea, man.|
|01:31:37||This is the best idea I've ever had in my life.|
|01:31:44||What are they gonna do?|
|01:31:47||What in the world are they doing?|
|01:31:53||If I shaved my stomach
and my chest, I would look|
|01:31:56||exactly like that.|
|01:31:58||Those guys are at work right now.|
|01:32:02||'What'd you do today?'
'I just lifted my brother.'|
|01:32:06||No. Don't applaud. He'll fall.|
|01:32:12||I'm freaking out right now, man.|
|01:32:16||The mushrooms are turning on me.|
|01:32:25||I'm not your papa!|
|01:32:32||I can't deal with this shit, man!|
|01:32:36||Hold up. Hold up.
Ben, wait. Ben, Ben, Ben, wait!|
|01:32:48||Oh, don't say that.|
|01:32:53||- I just wanna dance. I love dancing.
- So dance.|
|01:32:57||I can't dance.
|01:32:59||I should be embarrassed.|
|01:33:01||I'm a fucking whale, and I'm trying to get
into some stupid club and...|
|01:33:06||No, you look beautiful.|
|01:33:08||And you're young and you're tall,|
|01:33:10||and you got the good lips
and boobs, and you're young still.|
|01:33:14||I'm gonna be alone.|
|01:33:16||Debbie, no, you're not.|
|01:33:17||Yes, I am.|
|01:33:28||I get worse-looking and he gets better-looking,|
|01:33:32||and it's so fucking unfair.|
|01:33:38||We should go.|
|01:33:41||My babysitter always gets mad
when we come home past 12:00.|
|01:33:46||She's such a pissy little high-school cunt.|
|01:33:52||Let's move, gang!
Come on, Come on, Come on!|
can you get these plates|
|01:33:56||and put them on the table, please?|
|01:33:57||This isn't funny.|
|01:33:57||That guy has 12 kids.
It's not funny. It's...|
|01:33:59||Now I get to start all over again!|
|01:34:01||This is sick.
This is a sick movie.|
|01:34:03||That's a lot of responsibility to be
joking about. That's not funny.|
|01:34:07||I got to turn this off.
It's freaking me out.|
|01:34:10||There are five different types
of chairs in this hotel room.|
|01:34:12||Holy fuck. What are they all doing in here?|
|01:34:14||These are five different types of chairs.|
|01:34:16||Get them out of here, man.
This is too many chairs for one room.|
|01:34:19||There's a guy that works
for this hotel. His whole job|
|01:34:21||is to find chairs.|
|01:34:22||Look at this one. Look at it.|
|01:34:24||It's gold and red,
and it's kind of shiny.|
|01:34:25||Shiny thread? Unbelievable.|
|01:34:27||It is beautiful and it feels amazing.|
|01:34:30||The tall one's gawking at me
and the short one's being very droll.|
|01:34:33||I don't like them.|
|01:34:36||It's weird that chairs even exist
when you're not sitting on them.|
|01:34:39||I'm up high!
I'm really high up.|
|01:34:42||I should've read the baby books.|
|01:34:45||Why didn't you read the baby books?|
|01:34:47||'Cause then it's real,
|01:34:48||Dude, it's real whether
or not you read those books.|
|01:34:50||That baby's coming.|
|01:34:55||Think they'll take us back?|
|01:34:59||But I don't know why.|
|01:35:02||Do you ever wonder how somebody
could even like you?|
|01:35:04||All the time, man. Like every day.
I wonder how you like me.|
|01:35:08||How can Debbie like me?
She likes me. I mean, she loves me.|
|01:35:12||The biggest problem in our marriage is that|
|01:35:14||she wants me around.|
|01:35:15||She loves me so much|
|01:35:16||that she wants me around all the time.|
|01:35:18||That's our biggest problem.
And I can't even accept that?|
|01:35:21||Like that upsets me?|
|01:35:24||She's the one. She loves me.|
|01:35:26||You can't believe people love you?|
|01:35:29||I love you, man!
Debbie loves you!|
|01:35:32||I don't think I can accept her love.|
|01:35:34||There's something wrong with me.|
|01:35:35||You can't accept love?|
|01:35:39||I don't know what it is.|
|01:35:40||Love? The most beautiful,
shiny, warmy thing in the world?|
|01:35:43||You can't accept it?|
|01:35:44||I have to go to this other chair.|
|01:35:48||Oh, this is a better energy.|
|01:35:49||You can't accept pure love?
You can't accept Debbie?|
|01:35:53||She's chosen to give you her life.|
|01:35:55||She's picked you as her life partner!|
|01:35:58||But you play fantasy baseball
because you can't accept her love?|
|01:36:03||I could accept it, man.|
|01:36:06||And Debbie's amazing, man.|
|01:36:08||She's cool and she's funny and she smells good|
|01:36:11||and she's nice and her hair
always looks different.|
|01:36:14||She's too good for you, man.|
|01:36:16||Tastes like a rainbow.|
You know, you're an urchin.|
|01:36:21||And she busts your balls
'cause you're a little bitch.|
|01:36:23||You're a filthy bitch!
And I'd bust your balls.|
|01:36:28||Debbie wants to give her life
to you, and Allison doesn't|
|01:36:31||want to do that with me.|
|01:36:32||And it makes me sad all day.|
|01:36:36||I want to go home.|
|01:36:38||I wanna go home, too.|
|01:36:42||Everything looks beautiful.
|01:36:45||I went kind of overboard, huh?|
|01:36:46||No. It's great.|
|01:36:47||Your daughter only turns eight once.|
|01:36:50||Is Ben gonna come?|
|01:36:53||I don't think so.
I don't know why he would.|
|01:37:09||Oh, hey. What up, dawg?|
|01:37:11||Where have you been?|
|01:37:13||Around. You know?|
|01:37:14||Just kind of doing my thing.|
|01:37:16||Why is everybody so mad at you?|
|01:37:18||I don't know. Are they mad?
What have they been saying?|
|01:37:20||They've been saying, like,
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,|
|01:37:23||'Ben's a prick.'|
|01:37:24||They said that?|
|01:37:28||What does it mean?|
|01:37:31||Penis. It means penis.|
|01:37:39||Babe, we're running low on plates.|
|01:37:42||Hey, Ben! What's up, man?|
|01:37:43||What's happening, man?|
|01:37:45||- Hey, Ben.
- Hey, Debbie.|
|01:37:47||- How are you?
- Good. How are you?|
|01:37:50||Did you just get pink cupcakes
or yellow cupcakes?|
|01:37:53||I just got yellow cupcakes.|
|01:37:54||I thought I said get pink cupcakes.|
|01:37:56||- I can run out. I'll get some more.
- Nah, it's no big deal.|
|01:37:58||- I don't mind.
- No, it doesn't matter.|
|01:38:00||- You sure?
- Yeah. You look really cute in that.|
|01:38:06||- Well, that was fast, you pussy.
- I'm a...|
|01:38:08||You're the one that got
dressed up like a cholo on|
|01:38:12||Easter to come to this party.|
|01:38:14||How are things at Butt-Fucking-Ham Palace?|
|01:38:17||You look like Babe Ruth's
gay brother, Gabe Ruth.|
|01:38:21||Well played, sir. That was good.|
|01:38:24||You gonna talk to Allison?|
|01:38:26||Yeah, I was just about to.|
|01:38:29||It's a doll.|
|01:38:35||I just don't think we can make it work.|
|01:38:38||We can get back on track,
and everything's gonna be great.|
|01:38:41||You're just being nice,
and I'm being nice,|
|01:38:43||and just because we're two
nice people doesn't mean...|
|01:38:46||we should stay together.|
|01:38:48||I don't want this baby to determine the rest
of our lives. You know?|
|01:38:52||Me not wanting to do this alone
isn't enough of a reason|
|01:38:54||to drag you into a relationship
with me. It's just not fair.|
|01:38:59||And don't repeat this, but God,
I don't want to end up like Debbie.|
|01:39:04||But Debbie's happy.|
|01:39:05||Yeah, she's happy today.|
|01:39:07||But every day is a constant struggle for them|
|01:39:10||because they're not right for each other.|
|01:39:11||You know? And they have to
force it, and I don't want...|
|01:39:14||us to have to do that.|
|01:39:14||I don't want to force you
to be what I think you should be.|
|01:39:18||That's wrong of me because you're great.|
|01:39:20||You really are. You're great
the way you are, and...|
|01:39:24||I mean, you like to get high,
and you like to do shrooms in Vegas.|
|01:39:29||I didn't do shrooms in Vegas.
Who am I to stop you?|
|01:39:31||Who am I to tell you that
that's wrong? It's not wrong.|
|01:39:33||It's who you are.|
|01:39:34||It's what you enjoy and that's your life and...|
|01:39:37||I'm not that guy anymore.|
|01:39:40||I mean, we can be friends.|
|01:39:42||And you can be there when the baby is born,|
|01:39:46||and in the baby's life as much as you want.|
|01:39:48||I hope you will be.|
I think that if you just...|
|01:39:53||I don't know. If you give me a shot
to just show you that I'm...|
|01:39:56||- Excuse me?
- Oh, shit.|
|01:39:58||Can you grab the video camera?|
|01:39:59||- We're gonna sing Happy Birthday now.
|01:40:02||I'm sorry. I got to go.|
|01:40:05||- I'm sorry.
- It's okay.|
|01:40:06||I'll be right back,
though, all right?|
|01:40:07||- We'll finish talking.
- Yeah, yeah. Okay, go.|
|01:40:16||Thanks for warning me, man.|
|01:40:18||I just walked into a fucking
buzz saw. She rejected me.|
for some insane reason,|
|01:40:23||told Debbie that I did
mushrooms with you in Vegas!|
|01:40:25||She gets mad 'cause I smoke pot!|
|01:40:27||Now I'm upping it to fucking
|01:40:29||Really? I thought she'd take you back.|
|01:40:31||You know why she just rejected me?|
|01:40:33||'Cause you're such a shitty husband,|
|01:40:34||she thinks I'm gonna turn
into a shitty husband.|
|01:40:43||Happy Birthday to you|
|01:40:47||Happy Birthday to you|
|01:40:52||Jessica! Right here!
Can we get a photo?|
|01:40:55||- When are you due?
- I got two months.|
|01:40:58||- Wow, you're so big already.
|01:41:01||- When is that baby popping out?
- I got two months to go.|
|01:41:04||- Really? Are you dilated yet?
I can tell.|
|01:41:07||You look fantastic. You look... Are you gonna,
like, give birth right now?|
|01:41:11||Wow, you're about to drop any second.|
|01:41:14||- You know what?
- I love your broach.|
|01:41:15||You don't need to lie to me.
I don't appreciate it.|
|01:41:17||I know I look like a fat cow.|
|01:41:19||- And I'm sweating profusely. I know that.
- No, no.|
|01:41:21||No, you don't look like
a fat cow at all. You look great.|
|01:41:25||So, I have to get going in.
They're calling me.|
|01:41:27||Steve, hey. Help me out.
Give me an interview, please.|
|01:41:29||Well, I just need to run in.|
|01:41:30||You know what? Just say into the camera, 'You're
watching E! Entertainment.'|
- Just give me that.|
|01:41:34||No, Steve, don't be an asshole! Come on.|
|01:41:37||I'm not being an asshole.|
|01:41:39||Wow, you managed to turn
Steve Carell into an asshole.|
|01:41:42||- No easy feat.
- Shut up, Brent.|
|01:41:45||You screwed me, Dad, okay?|
|01:41:47||You said everything was gonna
be fine and nothing is fine.|
|01:41:50||Nothing is fine.|
|01:41:51||Ben, I've been divorced three times.
Why would you listen to me?|
|01:41:55||Because you were the only one giving me advice!|
|01:41:57||And it was terrible advice!|
|01:41:59||You can go around blaming everyone
else, but in the end,|
|01:42:03||until you take responsibility for yourself,
none of this is gonna work out.|
|01:42:08||I don't know how to take
responsibility for myself, okay?|
|01:42:11||- I didn't read the baby books!
- You didn't read the books?|
|01:42:13||I just smoke less pot.
I don't know what to do. I'm an idiot!|
|01:42:15||What... Tell me what to do!|
|01:42:18||I don't know. I don't know.|
|01:42:20||Ben, I love you.
What can I tell you?|
|01:42:24||Just tell me what to do.|
|01:42:29||Stone, you settling in okay?|
|01:42:31||Best job I ever had.
Like to hear it.|
|01:43:41||Allison, thank you for coming in.|
|01:43:43||I don't want to shock you
but we know what's under that jacket.|
have been for a while.|
|01:43:52||From my count, you're right
around eight months.|
|01:43:55||And I don't know why you felt
you couldn't tell us.|
|01:43:58||I'm really sorry.|
|01:44:00||This is Hollywood.
We don't like liars.|
I wasn't expecting this and...|
|01:44:06||I didn't know how to handle it,
and I didn't want to lose my job.|
|01:44:09||- I'm really sorry.
- It's unfortunate.|
|01:44:11||It's unfortunate you didn't tell us because|
|01:44:15||you would've found out
that we thought it's great.|
|01:44:19||So we did some research.|
|01:44:21||And turns out,
people like pregnant.|
|01:44:26||Oh, my God!|
|01:44:27||The bigger you are,
the bigger your numbers.|
|01:44:30||I was surprised 'cause I feel the opposite.|
|01:44:33||We're gonna do a whole maternity
month on E! Mommy.|
|01:44:41||You're gonna interview all the pregnant celebs.|
|01:44:47||You're pregnant, they're pregnant,
you can talk about being pregnant.|
|01:44:52||It just grosses me out when
I know that people are pregnant.|
|01:44:56||'Cause I think about the birth.
Everything's so wet.|
|01:44:59||And everything that goes into it.
None of the gross stuff.|
|01:45:01||But you know, hopes, dreams,
whatever, it's gonna be great.|
|01:45:06||Oh, my God.
This is such good news.|
|01:45:08||- Thank you so much.
- Yeah, you're welcome.|
after the baby is out...|
-...tighten it back up.|
|01:45:17||- And please don't lie to us again.
|01:45:19||'Cause maybe someday we could be friends.|
|01:45:22||Okay. I won't. I'm sorry.|
|01:45:25||- I just don't like secrets.
|01:45:29||You know, it's a rare thing
that you live to see the day|
|01:45:31||your wildest dreams come true.|
|01:45:33||I mean, what is there left to want?
I get to go to Legoland.|
|01:45:37||- Shut up, Pete.
- Say it!|
|01:45:41||Don't get them all riled up before the drive.|
|01:45:43||I shouldn't have given them
all that meth, then.|
|01:45:45||We'll be back on Sunday.|
|01:45:47||Or Saturday. You never know.
We might see it all in one day.|
|01:45:49||Sunday. Let's go.|
|01:45:51||Guess what? I'm scared there's no one to trust.|
|01:45:53||You can trust me.|
|01:45:55||You are gonna fuck me over, aren't you?|
|01:45:57||Oh, for Christ's sake.|
|01:46:01||Are you retarded? Or just brain-dead
from whiffing fumes out there in the swamp?|
|01:46:06||- Ow, ow, ow. - That's what I am to you,
isn't it? Swamp trash, just like my mom.|
|01:46:16||Hey, what's up, Daddy?
What are you doing?|
|01:46:19||Just smoking a joint, drinking
some beers, you know. Rocking.|
|01:46:24||We're about to go to a new club. You coming?|
|01:46:25||No. I'm gonna pack it in soon, I think.|
|01:46:28||What's he doing?|
|01:46:30||He says he's gonna call it a night.|
|01:46:31||Dude, it's like 8:15, man.|
|01:46:33||Yeah, I know. I'm just tired.|
|01:46:36||- Is he depressed?
- You depressed?|
|01:46:38||No, I feel great. I like it.|
|01:46:40||He says no.|
|01:46:42||Ask him if he's gonna kill himself.|
|01:46:43||You gonna kill yourself?|
|01:46:45||No, I'm not. Okay? Thank you.|
|01:46:47||Tell him not to jerk off with
a noose around his neck.|
|01:46:50||You shouldn't jerk off with
a noose around your neck...|
|01:46:52||'cause it's dangerous.|
|01:46:53||Okay. Very good.|
|01:46:54||And tell him if he has to, tell him he needs
a teammate or a spotter there.|
|01:46:58||Right. And if you do, you should have
a teammate or a spotter there.|
|01:47:04||He says your mom's already there.|
|01:47:19||Hi, Dr. Howard?|
|01:47:20||No, this is Dr. Angelo.|
|01:47:22||How can I help you?|
|01:47:23||I'm a patient of Dr. Howard's,|
|01:47:26||and I'm going into labor
and I need to speak with him.|
|01:47:28||I actually don't know where he is tonight.|
|01:47:30||But I've made myself available to his patients,|
|01:47:33||and I'd be happy to help you.|
|01:47:35||Can you help me find him?
Can you give me his number?|
|01:47:37||Oh, no. You know what? Actually,
I'm under strict instructions|
|01:47:39||not to give out his number,
but I can help you through this.|
|01:47:42||No, no. No, no, no.|
|01:47:43||I want to speak to my own doctor.
You really won't give me his number?|
|01:47:46||Because this is my first baby,
and he promised that|
|01:47:49||he would be here for me|
|01:47:50||and I need you to give me...
Give me his number, okay?|
|01:47:52||Dr. Howard's not available tonight.|
|01:47:54||But everything's gonna be okay,
I assure you.|
|01:47:57||No, I don't want you to help me
because I have no idea who you are!|
|01:48:01||I want my own goddamn doctor!
You make sure he calls me!|
|01:48:05||Oh, shit. Okay.|
|01:48:24||Ben, it's me. Can you come?
'Cause the baby's coming.|
|01:48:26||Can you come?|
|01:48:27||Oh, God. Allison.
I'm so happy you're calling.|
|01:48:31||I have so many thing's
I've been wanting to say to you.|
|01:48:33||I wanna apologize for things.
It's all I can think about.|
|01:48:36||No, listen. Wait. Listen.|
|01:48:38||I need you to come help me, okay?
Because the baby's coming.|
|01:48:40||So can you come help me?|
|01:48:41||- Wait. The baby's coming right now?
- Yes. Right now.|
|01:48:43||Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait.|
|01:48:45||Is it happening? It's happening now?
|01:48:51||Breathe like this...
No, no, no, no.|
|01:48:52||You need to come now because
the contractions are happening,|
|01:48:55||and they really hurt and the doctor isn't here,
and I can't get hold of him.|
|01:48:59||And he said he was gonna be
here, right? You were there...|
|01:49:02||when he said that.|
I'll come right now.|
I'm coming right now.|
I can't reach them, please.|
|01:49:08||Please, please hurry.
I'll just... So should I...|
|01:49:09||I'll meet you at the hospital, okay?|
|01:49:11||No! Don't meet me at the
hospital! No, no, I need you...|
|01:49:13||to drive me. I can't drive.|
|01:49:14||- I can't drive like this.
- No? You can't drive? Okay.|
|01:49:16||I'll get gas and then I'll pick you up.|
|01:49:18||- You have to get gas?
- I need to just get cash.|
|01:49:19||No. Don't get cash. Just come.|
|01:49:21||I need to get cash because my
car's on empty, I won't...|
|01:49:23||even make it there.|
|01:49:24||No, just come right now.
I'm not fucking around, okay?|
|01:49:28||This is serious and I'm alone.|
|01:49:29||It's the last thing you need to do is...
Just get here!|
|01:49:33||Look, if you keep yelling
at me, I'm never gonna get there.|
|01:49:35||You just need to calm down for two... Okay.|
|01:49:44||Don't run out of gas.
Don't run out of gas. Come on!|
|01:49:54||Please be in there.
Hello? Hello? Hello?|
|01:50:13||What is this,
like a water birth?|
|01:50:14||- What are we doing? Should we go?
Should I... I have the...|
|01:50:17||Just relax, okay? Just be mellow, 'cause
that's what this is all about.|
|01:50:22||Because if it gets too stressful in here,|
|01:50:24||then the baby is born
into a stressful environment,|
|01:50:27||and then he's wired for stress
for the rest of his life. So just...|
|01:50:32||Just be calm.|
|01:50:37||Okay, let's relax. Okay.|
|01:50:41||Do you want to talk about things?|
|01:50:42||I feel really bad about, like,
a lot of the shit I did.|
|01:50:45||I can't believe I said some of that.|
|01:50:46||That's all I think about in my head.|
|01:50:47||I don't wanna talk about it.|
|01:50:49||But maybe we could bring the
baby into a reconciled...|
|01:50:51||place so we can talk...|
|01:50:53||No. I don't wanna go there.|
|01:50:55||Don't go there. Okay?
Help me stay relaxed.|
|01:50:58||So, what should I do?|
|01:51:00||You need to call Dr. Howard.|
|01:51:04||Hello, yes, this is Ben Stone.
I'm calling on behalf of Allison Scott.|
|01:51:09||We need Dr. Howard.
It's an emergency.|
|01:51:11||Yeah. He's at San Francisco at bar mitzvah.|
|01:51:14||He's at a bar mitzvah in San Francisco?
Do you know when he gets back?|
|01:51:17||In three days.|
|01:51:20||Do you have his cell number,
by any chance?|
|01:51:25||Hey! Good news.|
|01:51:28||I got his number right here.
I'm gonna call him right now.|
|01:51:31||Oh, great. Thank you so much. Oh, my God.
I'm so glad you're here. Thank you.|
|01:51:35||I'm glad I'm here, too.
|01:51:37||I shouldn't have told you
you were a fucking lunatic.|
|01:51:39||I shouldn't have said that.
I feel terrible about it and...|
|01:51:42||No, it's okay.
We're past it. We're past it.|
|01:51:45||I'm sorry I told you to fuck your bong.|
|01:51:46||It's okay. I didn't.|
|01:51:49||Let's just drop it now.
We're over it.|
|01:51:52||I'm gonna call him right now.
You're doing so great.|
|01:51:55||Hello, it's Dr. Howard. I'm not here right now.
Please leave a message.|
|01:51:59||Hey, Doc Howard.
Ben Stone calling.|
|01:52:03||Guess what the fuck's up?|
|01:52:05||Allison's going into labor
and you are not fucking here.|
|01:52:08||Now, where are you? You're at
a fucking bar mitzvah in San Francisco,|
|01:52:11||you motherfucking piece of shit!|
|01:52:13||And you know what I'm gonna have to do now?|
|01:52:15||I'm gonna have to kill you.|
|01:52:16||I'm gonna have to
pop a fucking cap in your ass.|
|01:52:19||You're dead! You're Tupac!|
|01:52:20||You are fucking Biggie,
you piece of shit!|
|01:52:22||I hope you fucking die|
|01:52:24||or drop the fucking chair
and kill that fucking kid!|
|01:52:27||Hope your plane crashes.
|01:52:38||Did you talk to him?|
|01:52:39||I didn't talk to him directly.
I left him a very nice message, though.|
|01:52:46||What I'm about to tell you isn't that bad.|
|01:52:49||You should know that going in.|
|01:52:50||We can get through this,
and it's just a little hiccough,|
|01:52:53||but everything will be fine. Okay?|
|01:52:55||Do you trust me when I say
everything will be fine?|
|01:52:57||- I can deal with it.
|01:53:00||So, Dr. Howard is at a bar mitzvah.|
|01:53:03||A bar mitzvah?|
|01:53:05||It's a Jewish rite of passage.|
|01:53:07||And he's gonna be there
for the next three days,|
|01:53:10||so he will not be able to be here tonight.|
|01:53:20||What do you think we should do?|
|01:53:21||Okay. I know exactly what to do.|
|01:53:22||All we do is we'll get in
the car, I'll drive to the hospital,|
|01:53:25||and on the way, we will call
every gynecologist we've met.|
|01:53:28||Someone will be available.
|01:53:31||- Okay. I can do that.
- Okay. Good.|
|01:53:33||I mean, we still have time.
I mean, how far apart are your contractions?|
|01:53:36||- I think, like, seven minutes.
- Seven minutes!|
|01:53:38||See? Not until four minutes
is it really coming.|
|01:53:41||And has your water broken, even?|
|01:53:42||I don't know. I'm in the tub.|
|01:53:45||That's a good point.
Have you had your bloody show?|
|01:53:47||What? What's that?|
|01:53:48||It's, it's... I mean, it's
a bloody mucusy discharge.|
|01:53:51||But it only comes out right before
the baby's gonna come,|
|01:53:53||so if that hasn't happened,
we have time.|
|01:53:55||We can make it to the hospital.
It's no problem.|
|01:53:58||You read the baby books.|
|01:54:00||Yeah. I did. I read three of them, actually.|
|01:54:04||- Thank you.
- You're welcome.|
|01:54:10||Hey. Hey, you okay?|
Are we allowed to park here?|
|01:54:24||It's okay. I stole this from Martin's grandma.|
|01:54:27||- Oh, that was really sweet of you.
|01:54:32||Okay, here we go. Here we go.|
|01:54:35||Okay. Inches away.|
- We're close.|
|01:54:39||Home stretch. Hello.
This is Allison Scott.|
|01:54:44||Dr. Kuni said he would let you
know we were coming?|
|01:54:46||- Oh, he did. We'll take good care of you.
|01:54:50||This is Allison Scott.
Please admit her into Room 307.|
|01:54:56||You're our nurse?|
|01:54:57||That's why I'm holding the clipboard.|
|01:55:01||So, what else is up with you guys?|
|01:55:04||I'm just joking.
Let's have a baby, huh?|
|01:55:10||Jeez, I'm sorry it took me so long
to find that vein.|
|01:55:13||That little guy really
didn't want me to find him.|
|01:55:17||Is that the baby on that one right there?|
|01:55:20||So we can tell how the little
guy or gal is doing.|
|01:55:24||Hello, Allison. Ben.
|01:55:28||We really, really appreciate you coming, man.|
|01:55:30||What else do I have to do,
I mean, besides sleep? Totally kidding.|
|01:55:34||What happened to your doctor?|
|01:55:35||He's at a bar mitzvah in San Francisco.|
|01:55:37||He didn't tell us, though.|
|01:55:40||Lucky for you, I don't have any Jewish friends.|
|01:55:44||Dr. Kuni, I really wanna do this
naturally. I don't wanna use drugs.|
|01:55:47||Okay, let's just take a look
and see what happens, okay?|
|01:55:51||Foetal heart rate is good.
Samuel, where are we?|
|01:55:53||- Four centimeters.
- Four centimeters what?|
- Dilated. That's right. Focus.|
|01:55:58||Pay attention, okay?
We're a team. Okay?|
|01:56:03||I wanna get the fuck out of here.|
|01:56:06||I just wanna get the fuck out of here.|
|01:56:07||Okay. Just relax,
man, just relax.|
|01:56:09||Oh, man, I don't fucking like hospitals.|
|01:56:10||I know, but, Jonah,
this is beautiful.|
|01:56:13||I just think you need to relax
and embrace the beauty of...|
|01:56:17||another life joining our gang.|
|01:56:18||We're having a baby.
We are having a baby.|
|01:56:21||I'm not having shit besides
a fucking panic attack.|
|01:56:24||There's probably a fucking room
back there full of dead bodies!|
|01:56:28||You guys wanna be here when one rolls out|
|01:56:30||and just fucking coughs malaria into our face?|
- Fucking shit.|
|01:56:37||- Is that good?
- Oh, yeah.|
|01:56:39||Oh, yeah, get in there.|
|01:56:42||I could do this all day.|
|01:56:46||- What was that?
- What the hell was that?|
|01:56:55||Well, boys and girls,
what seems to be the problem?|
- Oh, dear.|
|01:57:00||Okay, Allison, I need you to
turn on your back now, okay?|
|01:57:03||The baby's heart rate is slowing. Okay?|
|01:57:05||- It's gonna be okay.
|01:57:07||- It's gonna be fine.'Is it gonna be fine?
- It's gonna be fine. Okay?|
|01:57:10||You'll feel a little bit of
a push. You'll feel a little bit of...|
- What are you doing?|
|01:57:16||I'm turning the baby so I can take
the pressure off the cord. Okay?|
|01:57:20||Oh, my God.|
|01:57:23||Okay, we're good.|
|01:57:24||The heartbeat's stronger,
but we're not out of the woods.|
|01:57:26||We need to get things going now.|
|01:57:27||I think the cord is wrapped around the neck.|
|01:57:30||So I'm gonna give you some medicine, pop the bag
and get things going, okay?|
|01:57:33||I don't wanna leave the baby in there for long,|
|01:57:35||and we can give you some medicine for the pain.|
|01:57:36||No, no, no, no.|
|01:57:38||I don't... I don't want the baby to
be born all drugged out.|
|01:57:40||It's not my birth plan.|
|01:57:42||Now, things change.
We don't have time to debate this.|
|01:57:44||What? No. But no, I'm not
comfortable with that. I'm not.|
|01:57:47||No. Would you please just listen to her?|
|01:57:49||Fine. Do what you want to do.|
|01:57:51||- Whoa, whoa, whoa. What?
- Should I leave?|
|01:57:53||Do you want to be the doctor?
Because I really don't need to be here.|
|01:57:56||No. What we want is to take a second to talk
about our options, okay?|
|01:57:59||- That's all we want.
- No. You mean you want to take a second|
|01:58:01||to tell me how to do my job.|
|01:58:03||My job is to get that baby out safely.|
|01:58:06||Or I can go home.
Just let me know. You be the doctor.|
|01:58:09||Can we talk outside in the hall for a second?|
|01:58:12||That woman is a control freak,|
|01:58:14||and she needs to let go and let me do my job.|
|01:58:17||Look, she's just having a hard time|
|01:58:18||because her and our doctor had
a very specific birth plan.|
|01:58:21||And they wanted it to be
a very special experience.|
|01:58:23||If you want a special experience,
go to a Jimmy Buffett concert.|
|01:58:26||We have a new birth plan.
Get the baby out safely.|
|01:58:30||Look, man, will you help us out?
I have no idea what I'm doing.|
|01:58:35||You can be as big a dick to me
as you want. Just be nice to her, man.|
|01:58:39||That's all I ask.
Just please be nice to her.|
|01:58:48||Are you okay?|
|01:58:50||I think so.|
|01:58:52||I'm sorry. Let's start fresh.|
|01:58:54||Thank you, man. Thanks.|
|01:58:55||This is healthy. This is good.
I think we're bonding.|
|01:59:06||Allison, I apologize for being
a little brash, but if you're okay with it,|
|01:59:12||it's rather important we break the bag|
|01:59:14||and give you some medicine to speed things up.|
|01:59:16||Because once the bag is broken,
I don't want there to be an infection.|
Do what you have to do.|
|01:59:26||Oh, my God.
What a nightmare that guy is.|
|01:59:30||I know, I know.
Look, I talked to him.|
|01:59:32||I think he'll be more cool now.|
|01:59:38||I'm so sorry I broke up with you.|
|01:59:41||You really don't need to be.|
|01:59:43||And, you know, I knew
you'd give me another shot.|
|01:59:47||I figured it'd be a lot sooner
than this, you know?|
|01:59:50||I was just in such a panic from all of this.|
|01:59:54||And watching Debbie and Pete together, it's...|
|01:59:58||- And my ass got so fat.
- No, no.|
|02:00:02||I just never, for one minute,
thought that the guy who got me pregnant|
|02:00:05||would actually be the right guy for me.|
|02:00:09||- Me, either.
- I guess he is.|
|02:00:14||All right, Martin, who am I?|
|02:00:19||'People think I'm smart because|
|02:00:21||I speak in a robot voice.'|
|02:00:26||'I fuck my nurse with my ever-expanding cock.'|
I'm gonna murderball you!|
|02:00:38||- Stay down!
- Jonah, you shithead!|
|02:00:43||I can't believe I go
out of town and this happens.|
|02:00:45||- I know.
- I'm sorry, but I'm not going anywhere.|
|02:00:48||- Screw Legoland.
- All right.|
|02:00:50||Hey, how do you want this?
You want this over the shoulder?|
|02:00:52||You know, I can do whatever
you want. I can get in there.|
|02:00:54||Kind of Spike Lee angles.|
|02:00:56||No, you can shoot the waiting
room. That would be great.|
|02:00:59||Yeah. Okay. Well, thank you.
I've got it from here.|
|02:01:06||Can I talk to you in the hall for a second?|
|02:01:11||I'd like to be in there
with Allison, without you.|
|02:01:17||I understand how you feel
but this isn't up to you.|
|02:01:21||Look, Debbie, you are high
off your ass if you think...|
|02:01:25||you're coming into that room.|
|02:01:27||If you take one step towards
that door, I will tell security|
|02:01:30||there's a crazy chick in a pink
dress snatching up babies. Okay?|
|02:01:33||So don't even try to come into
that room. That's my room now.|
|02:01:37||That little area with the Pepsi
machine, that's your area.|
|02:01:40||My room. Your area. Stay in your area.
Stay out of my room.|
|02:01:45||Back the fuck off.|
|02:01:57||What are you doing here?|
|02:01:59||He just kicked me out.
He told me to leave.|
|02:02:06||But I guess it's good, right?|
|02:02:09||He said he's gonna take care of her.|
|02:02:11||He really seems on his game.|
|02:02:14||I think he's gonna be a good dad.|
|02:02:17||I think I like him.|
|02:02:23||I wish I'd gotten that on tape.|
|02:02:27||Go! Holy shit, almighty!|
|02:02:30||Oh, shit, this really hurts!|
|02:02:32||- I see we're well on our way.
|02:02:34||I want the...
I want the epidural. Okay?|
|02:02:36||- Give me the epidural!
- Give her the epidural, okay?|
|02:02:38||- Give it to her now.
- Okay, Allison.|
|02:02:40||We're past the point of an epidural.
Okay? The cervix is fully dilated.|
I want an epidural!|
|02:02:46||I know there's time!|
|02:02:47||- We can't give you the epidural.
- Take the time! I...|
|02:02:49||I'll make sure it doesn't come out!
I'll stop pushing.|
|02:02:52||We have time.
Just do it, please!|
Please, please, please!|
|02:02:54||I'm sorry. We have no time.|
|02:02:56||We're gonna just have to do
this the all-natural way, okay?|
|02:02:59||The way you wanted to do it.|
|02:03:00||- Okay? Ready?
|02:03:02||Here comes another contraction, okay?
I want you to push. Okay, ready?|
|02:03:08||- Good, good, good.
- I feel everything!|
|02:03:10||Oh, my God! It's happening!|
|02:03:12||Okay, maybe we can take it down just a little.|
|02:03:14||I think you're gonna scare
the other pregnant women.|
|02:03:16||- Are you fucking kidding me?
|02:03:18||Are you kidding me?|
|02:03:24||This is messed up.
Something's wrong in there.|
- Oh, no, no.|
|02:03:28||I mean, granted, gynecology's
only a hobby of mine,|
|02:03:29||but it sounds to me like she's
crowning. Is that right, Deb?|
|02:03:32||Yeah. That's what it sounds like for everyone.|
|02:03:33||Everyone goes through this.|
|02:03:35||No, I disagree with you.
That sounds terrible.|
|02:03:41||I'm gonna go sneak a peak,
see if there's anything I can do.|
|02:03:48||Okay! It's crowning!
I'm seeing the head!|
|02:03:51||- What does it look like, Ben?
- Oh, God.|
- You don't wanna see it.|
|02:03:55||- No, I wanna see it!
- It's beautiful. You don't want to, though.|
|02:03:57||No, I want to see it!
Oh, God! Oh, God!|
|02:04:00||Okay, we're almost home!
|02:04:03||You okay in here? Jesus!|
|02:04:05||- Get out!
- Yeah, okay.|
|02:04:12||You all right, buddy?|
|02:04:18||What did it look like?|
|02:04:20||I shouldn't have gone in there.|
|02:04:21||Don't go in there.
Promise me you don't go in there.|
|02:04:24||Me, go in there? That's the last
fucking place I wanna go.|
|02:04:27||Like I'm gonna go in there.|
|02:04:28||Try getting a boner now.|
|02:04:30||What's up, Deb?|
|02:04:35||- Push. One, two, three.
- Oh, God!|
|02:04:39||You've passed the shoulders.
One more big push.|
|02:04:51||I did it.|
|02:04:53||- Okay. Oh, my God. It's out.
- You did it. You did it.|
|02:04:56||Oh, my God, you did it.
Oh, my God.|
|02:05:05||- I love you, Ben.
- I love you so much, too.|
|02:05:08||Oh, my God.|
|02:05:09||- Congratulations, you two. Beautiful.
- Thank you.|
|02:05:12||- You did so great. You were amazing.
- Thank you.|
|02:05:16||Okay, pretty baby.|
|02:05:18||You got out.|
|02:05:20||You made it out. Welcome.|
|02:05:24||You ever get so bored
you just stare at your balls?|
|02:05:28||I bet you do, late John Lennon.|
|02:05:33||Here we are again.|
|02:05:34||Who is that?
Is that Ben's rabbi?|
|02:05:36||Is he the one who cuts the penis?|
|02:05:40||I think it's Matisyahu.|
|02:05:44||- You want out of the bet?
- I want out of the bet.|
|02:05:46||You know what you have to say.
Just say it, man. I think now is the time.|
|02:05:51||Jason, you're the master.|
|02:05:54||- You heard it, right?
|02:05:55||All right. You're out of the bet.
Yeah, now you're done.|
|02:05:58||- Oh, my gosh.
- Oh, God.|
|02:06:00||Your face smells like an old man's balls.|
|02:06:02||- Thank you. Thank you.
- Oh, fucking hell.|
|02:06:12||Oh, my God.|
|02:06:16||Oh, my goodness.|
|02:06:25||- Oh. I love you, Ben.
- I love you, Debbie.|
|02:06:28||- We're gonna have another baby.
|02:06:34||Gentlemen, it's a girl!|
|02:06:40||- We got a daughter!
- Mazel tov!|
|02:06:42||- Congratulations, Daddy!
- We got a beautiful little girl!|
|02:06:45||- Let's meet her! She's awesome!
- A beautiful little girl!|
|02:06:49||And then your mommy said,
'Just do it, already,'|
|02:06:53||which was very confusing to Daddy.|
|02:06:55||So I listened to the most
literal translation of that...|
|02:06:58||and I just did it, already.|
|02:07:00||What would you do?|
|02:07:02||Don't tell Mommy,|
|02:07:03||but it was the smartest thing I ever did,
listening to her, 'cause now you're here.|
|02:07:08||Isn't that nice?
I think it is.|
|02:07:22||I hope your apartment is big enough
for the three of us.|
|02:07:24||Oh, it definitely is.|
|02:07:26||That's why I got one in East LA,
the rent. It's huge!|
|02:07:29||The only thing is we have to decide|
|02:07:30||if we're gonna be Crips
or Bloods before we get there.|
|02:07:33||- Well, I look good in red.
- I look good in blue.|
|02:07:35||The fighting continues.|
|02:07:38||We could just throw off everyone
and become Latin Kings.|
|02:07:41||We both look good in gold.|
|02:07:46||I would yell at you about driving
so slow, except the baby's here.|
|02:07:50||No, these guys can honk all they want.
I ain't going faster than 12.|
|02:07:53||It might take us around three
hours to get home, though.|