Knocked Up

00:00:46Light your nuts on fire.
00:00:47Fuck! Fuck! My hands!
00:00:50Too hot for Jonah!
00:00:52I got fucking water in my mouth!
00:01:13Oh, my God!
00:01:21I got to get off! I got to get off! Got to get off!
00:01:25Got to get off!
00:01:42Sadie, wake up!
00:01:44Oh, my gosh!
00:01:46Daddy, wake up!
00:01:51Okay, I'm up.
00:01:59Is that my genius over here? Is that my genius?
00:02:06I need you to take the kids to school this morning.
00:02:08- I would, but I'm supposed to work out. - What?
00:02:11Yeah. I got an appointment with a trainer. I can't cancel
00:02:14it now. He'll charge me.
00:02:15- You didn't tell me that. - Yeah, I did.
00:02:17- Last week I told you. - You didn't tell me.
00:02:19I did. And then I wrote it on the calendar
00:02:20like you told me to.
00:02:21No, you didn't tell me.
00:02:23- I did tell you. - Well, you didn't,
00:02:24but what are we gonna do, 'cause I have an appointment?
00:02:27So you're taking the kids to school.
00:02:30Don't use the baby to cover your tracks.
00:02:33I can drive them. I'll drive them to school.
00:02:36- Thank you very much. - Great. Good.
00:02:38You turned my sister into a limo driver.
00:02:40- I don't mind. - It all worked out!
00:02:48What are you giggling about?
00:02:51Be quiet. You're starting to annoy me.
00:02:56- Poo poo. - Ladies. Be nice.
00:02:59- You know what I did the other day? - What?
00:03:00- I googled 'murder.' - You googled 'murder'?
00:03:03- Yeah. - Why?
00:03:05I mean, what did it say?
00:03:06It didn't say anything. It just showed pictures
00:03:08of people lying dead on the floor and blood
00:03:12everywhere, and...
00:03:14That was just ketchup.
00:03:16- Who wants to hear some music? - I want to hear Rent.
00:03:19I want to hear Green Day!
00:03:21No, we're listening to Rent!
00:03:23Well, I want to listen to Green Day.
00:03:24I got your baby!
00:03:26- Don't taunt her. Come on. - Here.
00:03:29Sadie! Why did you just do that? Don't throw
00:03:31things at your sister!
00:03:32She hit me.
00:03:33- Did you hit her? - I did not.
00:03:36Make her happy. It's okay.
00:03:38- It won't make her happy. - It's okay. It's okay.
00:03:40She spilled all the marbles on the floor.
00:03:41Well, give her her marble back.
00:03:43All right? Are you sure you understand
00:03:45the terms of the bet?
00:03:46- Because this is serious. - No.
00:03:48Martin, all right, listen.
00:03:50You don't shave your beard or cut your hair for one year,
00:03:53and if you can do that, I will pay your rent.
00:03:56But if you shave, then you have to pay
00:03:58all five of our rents.
00:04:00Thanks for the free money, bitch.
00:04:01Hey, Martin, was it weird when you joined the Taliban,
00:04:03being American and everything like that?
00:04:05Like when you see a woman driving a car,
00:04:07do you just get pissed?
00:04:07Just watch your back, Serpico. You never know
00:04:10who your friends are.
00:04:11Okay, all right. You guys can't make fun of me
00:04:13the whole time.
00:04:13But, Martin, it's a competition. It's called the Dirty Man Competition.
00:04:17We're gonna make fun of you until you shave the beard.
00:04:19- That's the rules. - That's the whole point.
00:04:20You're supposed to be tempted into shaving.
00:04:21Your face looks like Robin Williams' knuckles.
00:04:25You guys aren't allowed to make fun of me.
00:04:26It's not part of the rules.
00:04:27Martin, why didn't you just listen to me when
00:04:29I was explaining the rules?
00:04:30You just looked at me with that
00:04:31blank stare of yours.
00:04:32It was like talking to a wax statue.
00:04:37Okay, guys, are you ready?
00:04:39So, 'Only at fleshofthestars. com will
00:04:42customers be able to find
00:04:44'exactly how long into what movies their
00:04:47favorite stars are exposed.'
00:04:49- Nice. - Oh, fucking brilliant.
00:04:50Pretty good, right?
00:04:51Yeah. Yeah, ka-ching. We're in.
00:04:53All right, guys, let start logging, all right?
00:04:55Charles Manson? Do you have
00:04:56any other thoughts?
00:04:57Good, awesome, let's start this off
00:04:58with a bang.
00:04:59Jamie Lee Curtis. I got an hour and 10 minutes
00:05:01into Trading Places.
00:05:03Both chesticles.
00:05:07I got Julianne 'Red Beard' Moore.
00:05:10Short Cuts, two hours, 17 minutes, bush no boobs.
00:05:14Julianne Moore special. She loves it.
00:05:16I've seen that,
00:05:17and from the look of her bush, Short Cuts is the wrong
00:05:19name for that movie.
00:05:20Nice. Nice. Nice. Well done.
00:05:23Her bush looks like the hedge maze
00:05:24from The Shining but red
00:05:26and without Scatman Crothers in it.
00:05:30Red Bush.
00:05:33Red Bush.
00:05:36So if you want that perfect tan like the stars,
00:05:38he's the one to see.
00:05:39We'll be right back on E! News. Stay with us.
00:05:41- Okay. - Okay, is Jessica Simpson here yet?
00:05:44Let me check. Let me see.
00:05:46- Is she on her way? She's left her house? - Hey, guys?
00:05:48Okay, let me know when she's pulling in.
00:05:50- She's about to pull in. - Is she camera-ready?
00:05:51Is she camera-ready?
00:05:53If she's gonna be in hair and makeup for three hours,
00:05:55I can't do it.
00:05:56I'm not gonna be here. I got to do American Idol.
00:05:58It's live. I got to do it. I got to be there.
00:06:00- What are we gonna interview her about?
00:06:02Nothing personal.
00:06:02- No personal questions. - No personal questions.
00:06:04Don't ask her about her sister and her nose job.
00:06:06- No plastic surgery questions. - No plastic...
00:06:07No personal questions.
00:06:08She doesn't want to talk about her boobs or her father's
00:06:11comments about her boobs.
00:06:12Great. We'll talk about the Middle East and maybe
00:06:15an idea of an exit strategy.
00:06:16Maybe she has a good pitch.
00:06:17Should I ask her about Korea?
00:06:19Maybe have her point it out to us on a globe?
00:06:22I don't understand the young talent in this town!
00:06:24It doesn't make any sense. I got four jobs.
00:06:27Hell, I'm more famous than half the people
00:06:29we talk to, anyway!
00:06:29No one stands up.
00:06:31No one has the balls to sit them down
00:06:32and say, 'Look, just cut the shit.'
00:06:33But everybody works for them.
00:06:34They're all on the payroll. They're all sucking the teat!
00:06:36Nobody sits them down, eye-to-eye, one-on-one,
00:06:39and says, 'Cut the shit.'
00:06:41And all these stars just fuck it up.
00:06:42That's what they do. They fuck my day up!
00:06:44And it pisses me off. And now I'm sweating.
00:06:46Okay, you want to... You know what?
00:06:48You want us to just come and get you
00:06:49when she gets here?
00:06:49You want to head to the green room for a minute?
00:06:51- Just chill out? - Okay. - Yeah. - That's a good idea.
00:06:53Want us to bring you anything? You want some water?
00:06:54- You want a cookie? - Cookie, yeah, cookie. Thanks.
00:06:56- Okay, we'll get you a cookie. - Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm pissed.
00:06:58What do we got? Chocolate chip?
00:07:00- Allison? - Yeah.
00:07:01Jack and I need to see you in his office.
00:07:03Okay.
00:07:05Thanks for coming in, Allison.
00:07:08Well, we wanted to talk to you today
00:07:10because we had a little debate on the conference call
00:07:13with New York about you.
00:07:15You... About me? You were talking about me?
00:07:18We were wondering aloud to one another
00:07:22whether or not you would be good for on camera.
00:07:25What'd you decide?
00:07:28They... They decided that they like you,
00:07:31and they would like to put you on camera.
00:07:35- Really? - I know. I was so surprised, too.
00:07:38Oh, my God. This is the best news ever.
00:07:40Thank you so much.
00:07:41- This is great! - Congratulations.
00:07:43- Thank you. - I'll take that smile
00:07:45as a 'Yes, I'll do it.'
00:07:46Absolutely. I'm so excited! Oh, my God.
00:07:49It's a lot of work. Can't wait to see what happens.
00:07:51It's gonna be tough. Tough job.
00:07:53About the work, most immediately,
00:07:55there's gonna be some things that you're
00:07:57gonna be able to get...
00:07:58- Okay. -...that other people in the office don't get.
00:08:00One of them, gym membership.
00:08:02You want me to lose weight?
00:08:04No, I don't want you to lose weight.
00:08:06No. We can't legally ask you to do that.
00:08:08We didn't say lose weight. I might say tighten.
00:08:12Tight.
00:08:13A little tighter?
00:08:16Just like toned and smaller.
00:08:18Don't make everything smaller. I don't want to
00:08:21generalize that way.
00:08:22Tighter.
00:08:23We don't want you to lose weight. We just
00:08:25want you to be healthy.
00:08:26- Okay. - You know, by eating less.
00:08:29We would just like it if you go home
00:08:32and step on a scale
00:08:33and write down how much you weigh
00:08:35and subtract it by, like, 20.
00:08:37- Twenty. - And then weigh that much.
00:08:40Just remember, you've got it here,
00:08:42you've got it here
00:08:43and everybody's gonna see you right there.
00:08:46Yay! That's so exciting! Oh, my God!
00:08:51Hey!
00:08:52Huh?
00:08:53I got a promotion.
00:08:55- Oh, congratulations! - Thank you.
00:08:56Hey, maybe you can get your own place now.
00:08:58Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
00:09:00- Yay! - Let's go celebrate.
00:09:01Okay. Let's do it.
00:09:03- Pete'll watch the kids? - Yeah!
00:09:05We can watch Taxicab Confessions.
00:09:07- What are you gonna do? - I don't know!
00:09:10I'm so excited!
00:09:13I walked in on him masturbating one night.
00:09:15Did he get the deer-in-the-headlights look?
00:09:17Did he freeze or did he finish?
00:09:19No, he tried to pretend like he wasn't doing
00:09:22anything under the covers.
00:09:26Oh, no!
00:09:27I buy these nice towels, and he whacks off into them.
00:09:31Deb and Pete, forever. And...
00:09:33And once he does that into them once,
00:09:36they're never soft ever again.
00:09:40I can always tell if I'm looking good based on
00:09:43whether or not we get in.
00:09:45Ladies? Guess we're looking good.
00:09:47If I didn't get in, I would've lost my shit.
00:09:48What's going on, man?
00:09:49How long you gonna make us wait out here,
00:09:50for Christ's sake?
00:09:51What the fuck?
00:09:57You know what movie I just saw again the other day,
00:09:59which is fucking, like,
00:10:00mind-blowing, and I haven't seen it
00:10:02since it came out is Munich.
00:10:03Oh, Munich!
00:10:04Oh, man, Munich fucking rules. Munich is awesome!
00:10:07That movie was Eric Bana kicking fucking ass!
00:10:10Dude, every movie with Jews, we're the ones getting killed.
00:10:12Munich flips it on its ear. We're capping motherfuckers.
00:10:15Not only killing but fucking, like, taking names.
00:10:17If any of us get laid tonight, it's because
00:10:18of Eric Bana in Munich.
00:10:19- I agree with that. - I agree.
00:10:21You know what is not helping us get laid
00:10:22is the shoe bomber, Richard Reid,
00:10:24over here at our table.
00:10:25I don't like your shoes. How is Burning Man this year?
00:10:28Fuck you guys. I'm glad I'm not Jewish.
00:10:31- So are we. - Yeah, so are we.
00:10:33- Yeah. - Fine, screw it.
00:10:35- You weren't chosen for a reason.
00:10:38Yeah.
00:10:40It's like everyone in here is 12 years old.
00:10:46- Am I too old to be here? - What?
00:10:48- Am I too old to be here? - No, of course not.
00:10:50Does it look weird that I'm here?
00:10:51No, not at all.
00:10:53Am I hotter than these little bitches?
00:10:55Yes! You look amazing.
00:10:57- Guys in here would fuck me, right?
00:10:59Yes.
00:10:59That's weird to say, but it makes me feel better.
00:11:02You look hot.
00:11:03Okay. I believe you.
00:11:05- Okay. I'm getting us drinks. - Okay.
00:11:07Yo, a beer over here, please?
00:11:09You're gonna be embarrassed when you realize
00:11:11I'm Wilmer Valderrama.
00:11:12God.
00:11:16Hey, hey! Excuse me!
00:11:18He's literally ignoring this entire half of the bar.
00:11:20Don't even bother.
00:11:22Yeah, awesome.
00:11:24A beer over here, please?
00:11:27- He looked at us! Did you see that? - Yeah, that was rough.
00:11:29Oh, my God. And if you can't get service,
00:11:31what am I gonna do, you know?
00:11:33Great. It's gonna be that night.
00:11:35- Okay, you want a beer? - Yeah, just...
00:11:37Well, I'm... Watch this.
00:11:40Okay? Just observe.
00:11:43- There you go. - Come on, man.
00:11:44Here you go. For your trouble. Thank you. There you go.
00:11:47- Thank you. - Okay, enjoy it.
00:11:48- Are you sure? - I am sure.
00:11:50I tried that once before at the Comedy Store,
00:11:52and I got punched in the ear.
00:11:53Thanks a lot.
00:11:54Oh, fuck, fuck! I'm supposed
00:11:56to get one for my sister.
00:11:57- Oh, here, take mine. - No, that's okay. I'll wait.
00:12:00Please, I very rarely look cool. This is a big
00:12:03moment for me. Just take it.
00:12:05- Thank you. Awesome. - No problem.
00:12:07- I'm Allison. - I'm Ben.
00:12:12- Well, have a great night. - Yeah, you, too.
00:12:14- Thanks for the beer. - Okay, enjoy, be nice to them.
00:12:16- Bye. Thanks again. - I'll see you. No, I'll see you later.
00:12:19No, I won't 'cause I'm a pussy.
00:12:24What's up, Ben?
00:12:26That girl. She totally gave me an opening, man,
00:12:28and I locked up.
00:12:30I just want to get shit-faced tonight,
00:12:31though, you know.
00:12:32I'll just jerk it later. It's cool.
00:12:33Are you fucking crazy, man? She looks smart.
00:12:38- Who's that she's sitting with? - It's her sister.
00:12:40- Her sister? - Yeah.
00:12:41Dude, it's the dream. What are we doing
00:12:43standing here, man?
00:12:44Let's go. Come on, follow me. You stay here. Stay here.
00:12:46- Why? - Because your facelooks like a vagina.
00:12:49Dick!
00:12:50Hey, which one's the sister?
00:12:54Hey, Crockett, you still partying
00:12:57with Tubbs these days?
00:12:58Come on, man. I'm getting it from all angles here.
00:13:00- I don't like it anymore. - I know. I don't, either.
00:13:02Was it weird when you changed your name from Cat Stevens
00:13:05to Yusuf Islam?
00:13:06Yeah, it was really awkward.
00:13:07All right, man. I got to take off.
00:13:09See you, Scorsese-on-coke.
00:13:14What's that?
00:13:15Chewbacca. You know, it's Chewie.
00:13:17- Oh, another beard joke. - Fuck.
00:13:19Fucking hilarious!
00:13:22- Hey. - Hey.
00:13:24Hi, this is my friend, Jason.
00:13:26I just wanted to see how my beers were doing.
00:13:29This is my sister, Debbie.
00:13:31Oh, hi, I'm Ben.
00:13:32- Hi. Ben? - Yes.
00:13:33Nice to meet you.
00:13:34- How you doing? - Good, how are you?
00:13:37Just trying not to stare.
00:13:38She's married.
00:13:39Why do you have to say that?
00:13:41- What? - It's a shame.
00:13:43You're beautiful.
00:13:44Thank you.
00:13:45She has two kids, too.
00:13:47Shut up!
00:13:48What? It's nothing to be ashamed of.
00:13:49You think that's gonna stop him from hitting on her?
00:13:51It's not at all.
00:13:53I love kids.
00:13:54- Really? - Yeah, absolutely.
00:13:57Excuse me.
00:14:00- Hello? - Cool phone.
00:14:02Yeah, she's got a really cool phone.
00:14:03What? Is it a rash, or is it the chicken pox?
00:14:07I don't know! Google it.
00:14:09Okay. All right, bye.
00:14:11I got to go. Sadie might have the chicken pox.
00:14:15I had the chicken pox three times.
00:14:17I have no immunity to it.
00:14:18We don't have the heart to tell him it's herpes.
00:14:20It's not herpes if it's everywhere.
00:14:22Are you coming?
00:14:27You know, I'm all dressed, so I'll just hang out.
00:14:30- Really? - Yeah, I'll take a cab home.
00:14:35Okay. Be safe.
00:14:37I will. Yeah.
00:14:40- Bye, lovely. - Bye.
00:14:44All right, I'm gonna let you two get to know each other.
00:14:50- Cheers. - Cheers.
00:14:52To you.
00:14:55No, no. You know, the, like, Entertainment News channel?
00:14:59- E! - E!
00:15:03Dude, I think he's doing the dice thing too much.
00:15:07That's really all he's got.
00:15:11I love your curly hair! It's so great.
00:15:14Do you, like, use a product or anything?
00:15:16No, that's... I use Jew, it's called.
00:15:21- You wanna get out of here? - Yeah, let's go.
00:15:23You wanna come back and hang out at my place?
00:15:25Yes.
00:15:26- Yeah. Wicked. - I'll show you my audition tape.
00:15:28- It's really funny. - Okay, I'm really excited to watch that.
00:15:31Let's go.
00:15:34We could get a cab up, this way. For sure.
00:15:38This is a big yard.
00:15:41Let's go swimming right now. Let's just do that.
00:15:48- I know. It feels so right. - That's right.
00:15:52Oh, man. Oh, man. You're prettier than I am.
00:15:57A lot.
00:16:07- Do you have a condom? - I do.
00:16:08- Okay. - In my pants. I have a condom.
00:16:11Okay. Okay. I'll get it.
00:16:22Come on.
00:16:25- Hurry up. - Stupid fucker.
00:16:29- What are you doing? - I almost got it.
00:16:31Just give me a second.
00:16:32Oh, God, just do it already!
00:16:34- Okay. - Oh, great. Okay.
00:16:48God.
00:16:51- Oh, that's great! - Good thing I'm drunk.
00:16:53- This is lasting forever. - Yeah, it's awesome.
00:16:55I just doubled my record time.
00:16:57Oh, yeah. You did.
00:16:59- I'm sorry, I'm sweating on you. - Okay, just stop talking.
00:17:19Fuck off, Martin.
00:17:22I said, fuck off, Martin.
00:17:28Hi.
00:17:30Oh. Hey.
00:17:33Hey.
00:17:37I'm naked.
00:17:38Yeah.
00:17:40Did we have sex?
00:17:41Yes.
00:17:43Nice.
00:17:49What time is it?
00:17:517:30.
00:17:52Why the fuck are we awake? Let's go back to sleep.
00:17:54I have to go to work.
00:17:55Really?
00:17:57Do you need to get to work or anything?
00:18:00No, I'm... No work today.
00:18:08Do you wanna get breakfast?
00:18:10Okay.
00:18:23Morning.
00:18:24Good morning, Allison.
00:18:26I'm Ben. What's happening, man?
00:18:28Ben.
00:18:30How's it going?
00:18:31Ah, to be young.
00:18:32Stop it.
00:18:34You stop it.
00:18:36Okay, see you later.
00:18:38All righty.
00:18:39See you later. Enjoy the day.
00:18:43Never do what they did.
00:18:45I'm gonna do it.
00:18:46You are? Uh-oh. Someone's getting home-schooled.
00:18:56I just yacked something nasty.
00:18:59I feel way better, though. I think that's like
00:19:01the secret. Like you gotta...
00:19:03I mean, once you're hung-over, you just gotta puke.
00:19:06It feels so... Did you puke?
00:19:07No.
00:19:09You can. I won't think it's gross or anything.
00:19:10Oh, that's okay, I'm fine.
00:19:12- Okay. - I just need some coffee, so...
00:19:14You know, the best thing for a hangover is weed.
00:19:15- Do you smoke... Do you smoke weed? - Not really.
00:19:17- You don't? - No.
00:19:18- At all? - Mmm-mmm.
00:19:20Like in the morning?
00:19:23No, I just don't.
00:19:24You know, it's like... It is like the best medicine.
00:19:28Because it fixes everything.
00:19:29Jonah broke his elbow once.
00:19:31He just got high, and it still clicks,
00:19:34but, I mean, he's okay.
00:19:36- Right. - Yeah.
00:19:39Last night was great, what I remember of it.
00:19:42Right, yeah.
00:19:43Yeah, no, it was fun. We had a great time.
00:19:45Yeah.
00:19:46So what do you do?
00:19:48I work at E!
00:19:49- The television channel? - Uh-huh.
00:19:51- Remember? - Wow!
00:19:52We had this conversation last night.
00:19:54I told you about my promotion. I was out celebrating it.
00:19:58- No? - No.
00:20:00I don't remember that at all.
00:20:02Yeah. I'm super excited about it.
00:20:03I'm actually doing my first on-air interview today, so...
00:20:05- With who? - Matthew Fox.
00:20:07- Matthew Fox from Lost? - Yeah.
00:20:09- You know what's interesting about him?
00:20:10What?
00:20:10- Nothing. - What?
00:20:11- Will you tell him he's an asshole for me?
00:20:13No.
00:20:13Someone needs to. Like who gives a shit?
00:20:15Well, I hope a lot of people, actually, because that's
00:20:18what my job entails
00:20:19is making sure people care what he has to say.
00:20:21I'm interviewing him.
00:20:23Maybe it's just me. Maybe I just don't give a shit.
00:20:24I'm just saying he deserves a beat-down.
00:20:27Actually, it's sort of embarrassing
00:20:28to ask at this point,
00:20:29but what do you do for work?
00:20:31Me and my roommates have started a... We're
00:20:33starting an Internet website.
00:20:35Oh, cool. What is it?
00:20:37I'll give you the virtual experience, okay? How's that?
00:20:39- You're at your computer. - Mmm-hmm.
00:20:41Who's an actress you like?
00:20:42- Mary Tyler Moore? - No.
00:20:45- That does not work at all. - No?
00:20:46- No. - Okay.
00:20:47- Let's say you love Meg Ryan. - I do.
00:20:51- Great. Who doesn't? - Yeah.
00:20:52Let's say you like her so much
00:20:54you wanna know every movie where she shows her tits.
00:20:58And not just that, but how long into that
00:21:00movie she shows her tits.
00:21:01You come to our web page exclusively.
00:21:04Type in 'Meg Ryan.' Bam!
00:21:06In the Cut, 38 minutes in, 48 minutes in,
00:21:09like an hour and 10 minutes...
00:21:11She's, like, naked that whole fucking movie.
00:21:13- She does full frontal in that movie. - Wow.
00:21:15- They should've called her Harry, not Sally. - Really.
00:21:17I'll show it to you. I'll show you Meg Ryan's bush.
00:21:19- Okay. - Cool.
00:21:21Yeah, I actually need to get going, so...
00:21:23Well, could... Can I get your number?
00:21:26I mean, I don't...
00:21:27We had fun, right? We should hook up again.
00:21:31I'm gonna give you my card 'cause that'll be
00:21:34the best way to...
00:21:35Well, I mean, if you want to contact me, I don't have
00:21:38a cell, right now,
00:21:40because of payment complications.
00:21:42But, I mean, you can e-mail me at the web page. I check...
00:21:45It's just Ben at flesh-of-the-stars,
00:21:47one word, dot-com.
00:21:49- Yeah. - Yeah. Okay.
00:21:50- Okay. - So, awesome.
00:21:52All right, then. Nice to meet you.
00:21:55- Yeah. Okay. - Bye. Take care.
00:21:58See you.
00:22:01Bye!
00:22:03That was fucking brutal.
00:22:06Yeah, that was brutal.
00:22:08It was a huge mistake. What's a mistake?
00:22:14Nothing. Nothing that we need to talk about right now.
00:22:18Why did you do it?
00:22:21Aunty Allison drank too much chocolate milk.
00:22:25And I was feeling weird because of that.
00:22:28And I made a...
00:22:29- I think that's enough. - Okay.
00:22:31- Did he wear a condom? - Yes.
00:22:33Thank God.
00:22:38- Do you think you'll do it again? - No, no way.
00:22:39She was totally repulsed by me.
00:22:42- What? - She just really didn't seem to like me.
00:22:44Like, she wasn't laughing at my jokes. I mean, I'm like a funny guy.
00:22:47- Fucking funny as balls. - Hilarious, man.
00:22:49I'm giving her the A shit. Nothing. She thought our
00:22:51web page was a bad idea.
00:22:52- What? - That fucking stuck-up bitch.
00:22:54Yeah, I think so, too.
00:22:56I think it's awesome that you had sex with her.
00:22:57If a goofy guy like you had sex with her, I feel like
00:23:00I had sex with her also.
00:23:01I was so drunk. I just wish I remembered it.
00:23:11Hi, I'm Allison Scott. And we're here today with
00:23:13James Franco from Spider-Man.
00:23:15- How are you? - Great, great.
00:23:16- Thanks for coming. - Of course.
00:23:18Tell me, were you a big fan of the...
00:23:21- I'm sorry, let me take that again. - Okay.
00:23:23Tell me, were you a big fan of the comic books growing up?
00:23:25No, actually,
00:23:27I didn't read any of the comic books until
00:23:30I got the movie and then...
00:23:33- Are you okay? - Mmm-hmm.
00:23:34Yeah, just what about the comic books?
00:23:37Just keep talking.
00:23:39Like I said, I really wasn't into them,
00:23:42but now that I did the research, I think they're
00:23:46pretty amazing, like...
00:23:49Shit.
00:23:52What the fuck?
00:23:58Is that the sound of you puking?
00:24:00If this is one of those fucking joke shows,
00:24:03I'm not into it.
00:24:03- We should put this on YouTube. - Shut up.
00:24:05- This is hilarious. - You're an asshole.
00:24:07Look how sweaty you are. You look like Dom DeLuise.
00:24:09I don't need to see it again. It's gonna make me throw up.
00:24:11You look like Jabba the Hutt dying.
00:24:17You're such an asshole.
00:24:19I'm just jerking your chain.
00:24:21I'll fix this. No problem.
00:24:22Yeah, maybe if you can just edit this out, and we can...
00:24:27We can reshoot my questions.
00:24:32What's up?
00:24:34Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no, no. Over here.
00:24:36Not on the mix board, not on the mix board, here.
00:24:43Are you okay?
00:24:44Oh, my God.
00:24:48Oh, my God.
00:24:49- Are you sick? - I don't know.
00:24:51- What'd you eat? - I haven't eaten today yet.
00:24:54- You haven't... - Do you have, like, a napkin or something?
00:24:56Here, here.
00:24:59What, do you have, like, the flu?
00:25:01I don't know.
00:25:02God, I hope you're not pregnant.
00:25:05It's impossible. You have to have sex to get pregnant.
00:25:11B.K. It's Brent Master Five.
00:25:14Allison just puked.
00:25:17Dude, that's what I said. She's probably
00:25:18pregnant, right?
00:25:19- Oh, shit. - How does she look right now?
00:25:21She looks like she just realized
00:25:23that she's pregnant.
00:25:24No, I can't be pregnant. Right?
00:25:26I mean that was, what?
00:25:29- Eight weeks ago? When was that? - Mmm-hmm.
00:25:31Did you miss your period?
00:25:33No. Wait.
00:25:35I don't know. Shit. I don't know.
00:25:36I can't remember.
00:25:37I was... I mean, I've been really stressed at work.
00:25:39I can't remember my last period.
00:25:41Are you the lady who doesn't realize she's pregnant
00:25:43till she's sitting on the toilet
00:25:44and a kid pops out?
00:25:45Can you not joke right now? Don't joke right now.
00:25:47- This is really serious. - Did I meet him?
00:25:49Yeah. You know, he was kind of like medium height,
00:25:51sort of chubby. Blonde, curly hair. Remember?
00:25:55- With the man-boobs. - Yes.
00:25:56Here, I have this thing of him on my phone.
00:25:59I just watched it.
00:26:00Hey! I live in your phone!
00:26:02Oh.
00:26:04This is the best night of my life.
00:26:07I gotta pee.
00:26:09- Yeah. - Oh, God.
00:26:12- How did this happen? - Oh, shit.
00:26:15Well, there's only one way to find out.
00:26:20They're here! Here they are! Over here!
00:26:23Oh, no.
00:26:24- Okay, here we are. - Okay.
00:26:26Okay. All right. Here.
00:26:39Oh, no. Give me more! Give me a few more!
00:26:41Did you try the Ova-Sure?
00:26:44I'm dripping, I'm dripping. Wait.
00:26:47Oh, good! A smiley face!
00:26:50Oh, I think that's bad.
00:26:52How long does this one take?
00:26:54These can't all be positive. Let me try one.
00:27:03God, you really had to pee.
00:27:07What is this? What the hell is this?
00:27:11I think you picked up the wrong one.
00:27:13Oh, fuck.
00:27:15That scared me.
00:27:17That would suck. I'm sorry.
00:27:22That scared me.
00:27:24It's gonna be fine. Right?
00:27:28Right?
00:27:29Of course it will be fine. It's gonna be fine.
00:27:32You just need to call him.
00:27:34Maybe I don't need to call him until after I see the doctor.
00:27:36- You need to call. - I don't want to call him.
00:27:38- I don't need to call him. - You should call.
00:27:39I can't call him anyway. He doesn't even have a phone.
00:27:42He didn't even have a number to give me.
00:27:43He doesn't have a phone?
00:27:44Said he had some kind of billing issue.
00:27:46He can't afford a phone? Sadie has a phone.
00:27:49Oh, shit, you're right. I got to call.
00:27:52I don't know. I'm gonna have to look him up
00:27:53on his stupid website.
00:27:54What kind of website does he have?
00:27:57He spelled 'coming' wrong. Oh, it's cum...
00:28:00- Yeah. - Oh, that's gross.
00:28:02Just go to 'Contact Us.'
00:28:05- Ben? - Yeah.
00:28:08'What is your number? I need to speak
00:28:10with you right away.'
00:28:12- Send? - Yep.
00:28:13You're sure?
00:28:15Yeah.
00:28:18I love weed.
00:28:20I could smoke weed every second of every day.
00:28:23Jay, I am your stoner.
00:28:34- Hey, Benjamin? - Yeah.
00:28:36- Flesh of the Stars just got an e-mail. - Really?
00:28:39- Would you like me to read it to you? - Yeah, sure.
00:28:41'Ben, what is your number?
00:28:44'I need to speak to you right away. Allison Scott.'
00:28:47Oh! Shit!
00:28:51Someone wants seconds, mama!
00:28:53Oh, man!
00:28:54'Looking forward to speaking with you.'
00:28:56Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do one of those
00:28:59smiley faces at the end.
00:29:00Fucking-A. Those are sexy. Sent.
00:29:09Somebody wants another piece!
00:29:13Booty-booty call.
00:29:14- Yeah, hello? - Hi.
00:29:16Hey, Ben, this is... This is Allison. I don't know
00:29:19if you remember me.
00:29:20Oh, yeah, Allison. What's up?
00:29:22She like the way your dick tastes.
00:29:25Yeah, I actually was just wondering if maybe you
00:29:29wanted to get together, like tomorrow night?
00:29:32I've been meaning to call you so we could,
00:29:33like, hook up again.
00:29:34- You know what I'm saying? - Okay, cool.
00:29:36Let's meet up maybe tomorrow night? You wanna
00:29:38just grab some dinner?
00:29:39Yeah. Why not? Meeting of minds sounds good.
00:29:43What do you say Geisha House, Hollywood, 9:00?
00:29:47Sure, sure. That's cool.
00:29:48Can we make it more like 6:00, though?
00:29:49I'd like to keep it early.
00:29:506:00. Beat the rush. Yeah, leaves
00:29:53more time for afterwards.
00:29:54Dessert. Sweet.
00:29:57Okay, great.
00:29:58So, yeah. I'll just meet you there, then, at 6:00.
00:30:01- Yeah. - I'll see you there.
00:30:04Okay, take care. Peace.
00:30:09Oh, shit.
00:30:11I'm gonna get laid, motherfucker!
00:30:15Yes! Yes!
00:30:19- Nice place, huh? - Yeah, it's really nice.
00:30:21Sorry it took so long to get a table. I didn't realize
00:30:23you needed a reservation.
00:30:24Oh, no, that's okay.
00:30:26- So how's work? - Great.
00:30:27- How's E!? - Great.
00:30:28That's awesome. Do you know Vince Vaughn?
00:30:30- Have you ever met him? - No.
00:30:31I really feel like we'd get along well. I just...
00:30:34He seems like a fun guy.
00:30:35- I feel like we'd, like, hang together well. - Mmm-hmm.
00:30:37I feel like he'd like me.
00:30:38I'm sure a lot of guys are like, 'Oh, I'd like
00:30:40to hang out with that celeb',
00:30:41but I really think he would want to hang out with me,
00:30:43is like the cool thing.
00:30:44I'm sure he would. Yeah.
00:30:46- You look very pretty, though. - Thanks.
00:30:47- By the way. - Yeah, I just thought...
00:30:49I don't know, I thought maybe it'd be cool
00:30:50to hang out a little bit and...
00:30:51We didn't really get to talk that much
00:30:53last time, so I thought...
00:30:53That we didn't.
00:30:57I thought maybe we'd just talk and get to know
00:30:59each other better.
00:31:00Cool. Okay.
00:31:02- I'll start. I'm Canadian. - Oh, that's cool.
00:31:06From Vancouver. I live here illegally, actually.
00:31:09Don't tell anyone.
00:31:10But it works out in my advantage,
00:31:12I think, ultimately,
00:31:13'cause I don't have to pay any taxes.
00:31:15So financially that's helpful
00:31:18'cause I don't have a lot of money.
00:31:21You know, I mean, I'm not poor or anything,
00:31:23but I eat a lot of spaghetti.
00:31:25So, you know, the web page or whatever is just something
00:31:28that you guys do for fun?
00:31:29Do you have a real job?
00:31:31- Well, that is our job. - Oh.
00:31:32We don't technically get money for the hours we put in,
00:31:36but it is our job.
00:31:37- So, how do you... Right. - How do I pay rent and shit?
00:31:39When I was in high school, I got ran over by a postal truck.
00:31:41- Oh, my God. - It just kind of...
00:31:43It was my foot more than anything.
00:31:44But I got like 14 grand from the British Columbia government.
00:31:48- Right. - And that really lasted me.
00:31:50I mean, until now.
00:31:52It's been almost 10 years. I have like 900 bucks left.
00:31:54So that should last me for, like, I mean, I'm not
00:31:56a mathematician,
00:31:57but like another two years or some shit.
00:31:59I think.
00:31:59Yeah.
00:32:00So I have something I really need to tell you.
00:32:02It's kind of why I called you.
00:32:05Here goes. Um...
00:32:08I'm pregnant.
00:32:09- Fuck off. - What?
00:32:11- What? - I'm pregnant.
00:32:13With emotion?
00:32:15With a baby. You're the father.
00:32:19- I'm the father? - Yes.
00:32:20- How the fuck could this happen? - I don't know.
00:32:22I don't know. I mean, I thought you were
00:32:23wearing a condom.
00:32:24- No. - What?
00:32:25- I wasn't. - Why not?
00:32:27Because you told me not to.
00:32:28What are you talking about?
00:32:29What am I talking about? You told me not to.
00:32:31I did not tell you not to wear a condom.
00:32:34Here's what happened, okay?
00:32:35I will give you a play-by-play of my memory.
00:32:38I almost had the condom on my dick.
00:32:39It was on the cusp, and then you said,
00:32:41'Just do it, already.'
00:32:43I didn't mean do it without a condom.
00:32:44I meant 'do it' like 'hurry up,'
00:32:46like 'Get fucking going!'
00:32:47Well, I assumed you were wearing a patch,
00:32:49or like a dental dam
00:32:50or one of those fucking butterfly clips
00:32:51or something like that.
00:32:52- What the hell is a dental dam? - It's like Saran Wrap!
00:32:54It's disgusting, okay? But I thought you had one.
00:32:56Why the fuck didn't you stop me once we started?
00:32:58I don't know! I couldn't tell that you didn't have one on!
00:33:01Obviously, I was drunk!
00:33:02Was your vagina drunk?
00:33:04Did you think it's the thinnest condom
00:33:05on earth I have on?
00:33:06I'm a fucking inventor? I made a dick-skin condom?
00:33:08He hollowed out a penis and put it on?
00:33:11What the fuck?
00:33:13You are unbelievable.
00:33:17Okay, you know what? Maybe I've reacted unfavorably.
00:33:23So what happens now? I don't know how this works.
00:33:26I am going to the doctor next week,
00:33:28and I thought you could come with me
00:33:30to the gynecologist.
00:33:32- So you haven't seen him, though? - No.
00:33:33So you don't know if you're pregnant.
00:33:35- Well, I'm not 100% sure. - You're not 100% sure.
00:33:39I bet you're not pregnant.
00:33:44No, they're not.
00:33:47No, they're all in the bag. They're in the bag.
00:34:00Allison Scott?
00:34:01Yeah. Come on.
00:34:03- I'm supposed to come? - Yes.
00:34:09Hello. My name is Thomas Pellagrino.
00:34:12I'm... I'm Ben Stone.
00:34:14- Hi, there, champ. - Nice to meet you.
00:34:16- And you must be Debbie's sister. - Yeah.
00:34:17- Alice. - Allison. Hi.
00:34:19- Hi. How are you? - Good.
00:34:21So, what can I help you with today,
00:34:23Mr. and Mrs. Stone?
00:34:24I took a home pregnancy test, and it said I was pregnant,
00:34:27so here we are.
00:34:29Okay. Let's have a look.
00:34:34Legs up.
00:34:42Nice office.
00:34:43Thank you.
00:34:48Well, you do look a lot like your sister.
00:34:56This is gonna be cold. And you're next.
00:35:08Okay, there is the cervix and the uterus.
00:35:12See that?
00:35:14That dark sac there, that's the amniotic sac.
00:35:18And right there in the middle is the embryo.
00:35:21Do you see that flicker? You know what that is?
00:35:23Yeah, that's a heartbeat.
00:35:26Yeah, it looks like you are pregnant.
00:35:27About eight or nine weeks, I'd say.
00:35:30Congratulations.
00:35:34That... That's it?
00:35:36Yep.
00:35:37Take good care of it.
00:35:41Now the fun part starts.
00:35:44Let me... Let me make a picture for you, huh?
00:35:47That'll be fun.
00:35:51Okay. Well, I'll... I'll meet you in my office.
00:35:56Okay.
00:35:59I'll give you a little time alone, there.
00:36:05Oh, God. Oh, no.
00:36:09It's okay.
00:36:11I can't fucking believe you didn't wear a bag!
00:36:13Who does that?
00:36:14Why did we go to Costco and buy a year's supply
00:36:16of condoms
00:36:16if you weren't gonna use them, man?
00:36:18I can't believe you did this. You fucked everything up.
00:36:20Look, the real point is not to get yourself
00:36:21in this position.
00:36:22That's what you have to realize.
00:36:23You gotta know all the tricks.
00:36:25Like, for example, if a woman's on top,
00:36:26she can't get pregnant.
00:36:27It's just gravity. Well, that's true.
00:36:28Everyone knows that.
00:36:29What goes up must come down.
00:36:31I think it's awesome that you're gonna have a kid, man.
00:36:34Think about it like this. It's just an excuse to play
00:36:37with all your old toys again.
00:36:38You know what I think you should do?
00:36:40Take care of it.
00:36:42Tell me you don't want him to get an 'A' word.
00:36:44Yes, I do, and I won't say it for little Baby Ears
00:36:46over there,
00:36:47but it rhymes with 'Shma-shmortion.'
00:36:49I'm just saying... Hold on, Jay, cover your ears.
00:36:52You should get a shma-shmortion
00:36:54at the shma-shmortion clinic.
00:36:56Ben, you cannot let these monsters have
00:36:58any part of your child's life.
00:36:59All right? I'm gonna be there to rear your child.
00:37:02You hear that, Ben? Don't let him near the kid.
00:37:04He wants to rear your child!
00:37:06I just have a quick question.
00:37:08Do you use that Canadian flag tattoo as a cum target
00:37:10of some sort?
00:37:11How many points do you get if you hit the leaf? Like a million?
00:37:14Jonah, I am a patriot.
00:37:16This is a tribute to my country and my countrymen.
00:37:19I always aim right.
00:37:21Right into a dude's ass.
00:37:26Please, guys.
00:37:27- Ben, Come on, man. - I'm just kidding you.
00:37:30- Oh, great. Now he's upset. - I won't let him do it.
00:37:32Allison, just take care of it.
00:37:35Take care of it. Move on.
00:37:37What's gonna happen with your career?
00:37:38How are you gonna tell them?
00:37:39I'm not gonna tell them for a while.
00:37:41I have a while before I have to say anything.
00:37:43How could you not tell them? They're not gonna know.
00:37:45I mean, I'm only gonna start to show when I'm like,
00:37:47I don't know, six months or something.
00:37:48Seven months.
00:37:49- Three months. - No.
00:37:51Three months. Fat in the face, jowls, fat ass.
00:37:55Debbie didn't get fat.
00:37:56Debbie is a freak of nature.
00:37:58Mom, you know, it's important to me
00:38:00that you be supportive.
00:38:02I cannot be supportive of this. This is a mistake.
00:38:04This is a big, big mistake.
00:38:06Now, think about your stepsister.
00:38:08Now, you remember what happened with her?
00:38:09She had the same situation as you,
00:38:11and she had it taken care of.
00:38:13And you know what? Now she has a real baby.
00:38:16Honey, this is not the time.
00:38:19I'm gonna be a grandfather.
00:38:20You happy about that?
00:38:21Absolutely. Delighted.
00:38:23This is a disaster.
00:38:24No, this is not a disaster.
00:38:26- It is... - An earthquake is a disaster.
00:38:28Your grandmother having Alzheimer's so bad
00:38:30she doesn't even know who the fuck I am,
00:38:32that's a disaster.
00:38:33This is a good thing. This is a blessing.
00:38:35I have a vision for how my life would go,
00:38:39and this definitely is not it.
00:38:41Wait. Is this your vision? Are you living
00:38:42your vision right now?
00:38:43I am kind of living my vision, yeah.
00:38:45Well, that is sad, I'm telling you.
00:38:47Life doesn't care about your vision. Okay?
00:38:49Stuff happens. You just got to deal with it.
00:38:52You roll with it. That's the beauty of it all.
00:38:55I just don't get how I tell the kid not to do drugs
00:38:57when I do drugs.
00:38:58I'll feel like a hypocrite.
00:38:59Well, remember what I told you when you were a teenager?
00:39:02- What did you say? - I said, 'No pills, no powders.'
00:39:04That's right, that's right.
00:39:06Right. If it grows in the ground,
00:39:07it's probably okay.
00:39:08I mean, I guess it worked. Like you told me not
00:39:10to smoke pot all those years,
00:39:11and then I found out you were smoking pot
00:39:14that whole time.
00:39:14Not the whole time.
00:39:16Just in the evenings and all day every weekend.
00:39:19Not that much.
00:39:21Honestly, though, when you look at me
00:39:23do you not think at all, like,
00:39:26'You know, if he just never existed,
00:39:28'I would have avoided a massive heap of trouble,'
00:39:30you know?
00:39:31Absolutely not.
00:39:33I love you totally and completely.
00:39:35You're the best thing that ever happened to me.
00:39:37I'm the best thing that ever happened to you?
00:39:39Yeah.
00:39:42Now I just feel bad for you.
00:39:52- Hello? - Hi. Ben?
00:39:54Oh. Hey, Allison.
00:39:58- How's it going? - Good, good.
00:39:59You know, I was just calling to...
00:40:03To let you know that I've decided to keep the baby.
00:40:06I'm keeping it.
00:40:08Oh.
00:40:09Yeah. So, that's what's happening with that.
00:40:14Good. That's good. That's what I was hoping you'd do.
00:40:16So, awesome.
00:40:19Yeah. Yeah, it is good.
00:40:23Okay, I know we didn't plan this,
00:40:25and, you know, neither of us really thought
00:40:27it was gonna happen,
00:40:28but life is like that, you know,
00:40:29you can't plan for it.
00:40:31And even if we did plan,
00:40:32life doesn't care about your plans, necessarily.
00:40:35And you just kind of have to go with the flow and,
00:40:38you know,
00:40:38I know my job is to just support you in whatever
00:40:41it is you wanna do,
00:40:42and, I'm in, you know.
00:40:44So whatever you wanna do,
00:40:46I'm gonna do, you know. It's...
00:40:49I'm on board. Yay!
00:40:53I really appreciate you saying that.
00:40:54No problem. You know, so I'll tell you,
00:40:58you know, maybe if you could help me by telling me, like,
00:41:01one thing that I am supposed to do,
00:41:04then that would be good,
00:41:05because I literally have no idea whatsoever.
00:41:08I have no idea, either.
00:41:11So, do you want to, like, get together and talk about it
00:41:15or something like that?
00:41:16- Yeah, sure. - Like a date? I mean...
00:41:18Yeah.
00:41:28- Hey. - Hi.
00:41:30- You look beautiful. - Thank you.
00:41:32No problem. Come on in.
00:41:35- Everyone, this is Allison. - Hi.
00:41:37- Ally. Hey. Jason, I'm sure you remember. - Yes.
00:41:40- You look beautiful. - Thank you.
00:41:42Your body's responding really well to the pregnancy.
00:41:45Thank you.
00:41:46It's amazing how fast the milk arrives.
00:41:48Oh.
00:41:49How's your sis?
00:41:50She's good.
00:41:52- Oh, good. Tell her, 'What's up?' for me. - Okay.
00:41:54All right, I'm gonna go make a protein shake.
00:41:58And this beautiful young man is Jonah.
00:42:01- Hi. - Hey.
00:42:05Okay, that's Martin and Jodi over there.
00:42:08Hi.
00:42:10I'm gonna grab my shirt. Just take a seat if you want.
00:42:12- Okay. - Cool.
00:42:21You are scared, aren't you?
00:42:30- Just another day at the office. - Uh-huh.
00:42:36Do you have any acting experience?
00:42:38No. Uh-huh.
00:42:40How's it going? You wanna toke?
00:42:42No. I'm good.
00:42:45- Hi. - Hi.
00:42:46- I'm Jodi. - Yeah, hi.
00:42:48- I heard you were pregnant. - Mmm-hmm.
00:42:50Oh, aren't you scared?
00:42:52The way it's gonna come out of your...
00:42:54It's gonna hurt a lot, I bet. Your vagina...
00:42:57That's so sick.
00:43:00I don't know.
00:43:01Are you hungry?
00:43:02No, I'm okay right now. Thank you.
00:43:04You must be angry at the baby whenever
00:43:06it steals your food, huh?
00:43:07'Oh, it's mine, not yours.'
00:43:09But, you know, because you're family,
00:43:12you got to share.
00:43:13Right.
00:43:15Man, my balls are shaved. My pubes are trimmed.
00:43:18I'm ready to fucking rock this shit.
00:43:20What the fuck, man?
00:43:21If I go in there and see fucking pubes sprinkled
00:43:24on the toilet seat,
00:43:25I'm gonna fucking lose my mind!
00:43:27Last time I went to the bathroom, Jay,
00:43:28I took a shit and my shit looked like a fucking stuffed animal!
00:43:31You're embarrassing me in company.
00:43:33You embarrass yourself.
00:43:35Oh, great. I hope you have a great evening!
00:43:38- All right. Let's go. - Okay.
00:43:40See you guys later.
00:43:44The funny thing is I really had never even thought
00:43:47about having a baby.
00:43:48- Yeah. - I mean, if this hadn't happened,
00:43:50I don't think I would have wanted to have a baby for like,
00:43:53- I don't know, at least 10 years. - At least!
00:43:56God, I mean, honestly, I just got used to the, like,
00:43:59notion that someone would even have sex with me.
00:44:02I didn't think this would happen.
00:44:05Get ready.
00:44:06This will be coming out of you in seven months.
00:44:09This is exactly what our baby will look like.
00:44:11- It's a beautiful picture, Ben. - It is. It's not bad.
00:44:14Hello, Mommy.
00:44:15Our baby's gonna be French-Canadian.
00:44:17With a little hint of Spanish.
00:44:18Exactly. I'm not good with accents, but...
00:44:21- Baby books. - Awesome.
00:44:23'What to Expect When You're Expecting.'
00:44:25What can we expect?
00:44:26Well, you can't eat sushi.
00:44:29You can't smoke.
00:44:31You can't smoke marijuana. You can't smoke crack.
00:44:34You can't jump on trampolines.
00:44:36This is basically a giant list of things you can't do.
00:44:39Yeah, it sounds thrilling.
00:44:40I'm gonna be sitting there on the trampoline
00:44:43smoking crack.
00:44:43And you're not gonna have anything to do.
00:44:45You're gonna be bored.
00:44:46But I can't wait to read these, honestly.
00:44:47Seriously, I put these in front of my toilet, though,
00:44:49they'll be read by tomorrow morning.
00:44:51- Do you want me to get you that? - Yeah.
00:44:52- You like it? - Yeah, thank you.
00:44:54No problem.
00:44:55These are heavy.
00:45:11So what do you think? Should we have sex tonight?
00:45:14Sounds awful.
00:45:18I'm just really constipated.
00:45:21Do you really want to?
00:45:23Well, now...
00:45:24Shut up.
00:45:26It's pretty crazy, your sister's pregnant.
00:45:28We have to help her.
00:45:29I think they'll be fine. Look at us. It happened to us.
00:45:32We'll help her raise the baby.
00:45:34Well...
00:45:37Fuck!
00:45:44At least we don't have to use a condom, you know?
00:45:49But we can. I don't... I brought some
00:45:51just in case. I don't...
00:45:52I don't have VD or anything. I mean, I don't, I thought...
00:45:55It's not that.
00:45:56You know, it's just...
00:45:57I thought maybe we could get a little fun out of
00:46:00your situation, you know?
00:46:02Okay, first of all, it's not my situation.
00:46:04It's our situation.
00:46:05I know, of course, I know that.
00:46:06And just because I'm pregnant, I'm not some ruined woman
00:46:08and all romance goes out the door.
00:46:10Okay, okay. I'm sorry.
00:46:13It's just...
00:46:16I like you a lot. That's all this is. That's...
00:46:23I like you, too.
00:46:24Sweet.
00:46:25A little, so far.
00:46:27I mean, we have seven months before the baby comes.
00:46:29- We don't have to rush it. - Yeah.
00:46:31We should really just try to get to know each other
00:46:34and give this a real shot.
00:46:36You know, we got ourselves into this situation.
00:46:39We kind of have to.
00:46:40- For the baby, right? - Exactly.
00:46:44Okay, if this was our second date, what would you do?
00:46:48B.J., if I'm just being honest, I would probably...
00:46:53I told my roommates I thought I was gonna
00:46:56get a B.J., so...
00:46:57You know what?
00:46:58For the sake of getting to know one another,
00:47:00can you not talk like that?
00:47:01Yeah, I can do that. I'm... I'm really nervous.
00:47:05I'm nervous, too. I'm really nervous.
00:47:07Yeah.
00:47:20You're a sweet guy, right?
00:47:23I think I am. Yeah.
00:47:25Don't fuck me over, okay?
00:47:28I wouldn't do that.
00:47:30Just so you know, I'm the guy girls fuck over.
00:47:34I'm that guy. So you don't fuck me over.
00:47:36- Okay? - Okay.
00:47:37I couldn't take it. I can't raise this baby alone.
00:47:57Who's he?
00:47:58I'm Ben Stone.
00:48:01He's my boyfriend.
00:48:05That's nice.
00:48:06I've never met him before.
00:48:08Well, he's a new boyfriend.
00:48:10But a boyfriend.
00:48:11So he came over for breakfast because
00:48:13he's your new boyfriend?
00:48:15Yeah. He came from his house.
00:48:17Drove over to our house
00:48:18because he thought it would be fun
00:48:20to have breakfast with us,
00:48:21so he drove his car from his house to our house
00:48:24to have breakfast.
00:48:25Because he likes breakfast so much.
00:48:28I love breakfast.
00:48:30You guys wanna hear something neat? We're gonna have a baby together.
00:48:34- What? - Yeah, a baby.
00:48:36Well, you're not married.
00:48:37Aren't you supposed to be married to have a baby?
00:48:40You don't have to be.
00:48:41But they should be because they love each other,
00:48:43and people who love each other get married and have babies.
00:48:47Mmm-mmm.
00:48:48Do you love each other?
00:48:50Yes, they love each other. Because that's what you do.
00:48:53When you love each other, you get married
00:48:56and have a baby.
00:48:57Where do babies come from?
00:48:59Where do you think they come from?
00:49:01Well, I think a stork, he drops it down,
00:49:05and then a hole goes in your body,
00:49:07and there's blood everywhere, coming out of your head,
00:49:09and then you push your belly button,
00:49:11and then your butt falls off,
00:49:13and then you hold your butt and you have to dig,
00:49:16and you'll find a little baby.
00:49:18That's exactly right.
00:49:21Feed the Teddy bear.
00:49:22Okay, I feed your bear the grass?
00:49:27Okay.
00:49:29You know what your bear would also like
00:49:31to do with some grass?
00:49:32Smoke it.
00:49:34What do you think of him? He's funny, right?
00:49:37Mmm-hmm.
00:49:38Fetch.
00:49:40All right, bring it back.
00:49:43He's playing fetch with my kids.
00:49:45He's treating my kids like they're dogs.
00:49:46No, he's not.
00:49:48Go get it! Fetch!
00:49:49Who plays fetch with kids?
00:49:51He's trying. He's making an effort.
00:49:53- Bring it back. - He's overweight.
00:49:56Where does that end?
00:49:57- How old is he? - 23.
00:49:59Looks 33.
00:50:01He can barely get in and out of that little house.
00:50:04Imagine how much bigger he's gonna get.
00:50:06That means he has bad genes.
00:50:08Your kid is gonna be overweight.
00:50:11Shit.
00:50:12I'm gonna get you!
00:50:14I'm gonna get...
00:50:19Just give him a break.
00:50:24Okay. I'll try.
00:50:33They seem to love bubbles.
00:50:35Oh, God. They go ape shit over bubbles.
00:50:38They're really going ape shit.
00:50:39I mean, that's an incredible thing about a child.
00:50:43I mean, what's so great about bubbles?
00:50:44They float. You can pop them. I mean, I get it. I get it.
00:50:48I wish I liked anything as much as my kids like bubbles.
00:50:51- That's sad. - It's totally sad.
00:50:53Their smiling faces just point out your inability
00:50:57to enjoy anything.
00:50:58Am I gonna be okay, man?
00:51:01Oh, who knows?
00:51:04Is anybody okay? I'm not okay.
00:51:06You're asking the wrong guy.
00:51:08Just don't ask me to lend you any money, you know?
00:51:11Can I just have some?
00:51:14No.
00:51:18I have 15 years of tennis lessons.
00:51:22And 12 years of sucking dick lessons.
00:51:24So?
00:51:25I can't ref the next games, by the way.
00:51:27I got to go meet gynecologists with Allison.
00:51:30She doesn't like her gynecologist.
00:51:32- You think she likes you? - She's trying to.
00:51:36- She's entertaining the idea of liking you. - Exactly. I'll take that.
00:51:39Yeah, well, see, she's bringing you to the gynaechiatrist.
00:51:41- She must like you. - Yeah. Pretty good, I think.
00:51:43You know who I'd like to get pregnant, is that Felicity Huffman, man.
00:51:46Ever since TransAmerica, I can't get her out of my mind.
00:51:49Okay, guys. I hate to crack the whip,
00:51:51but it's kind of business meeting time.
00:51:53I need moolah.
00:51:56- When do you think we can launch this site? - Jeez.
00:51:58Look, man. You can't rush this.
00:52:00You know what happens to these sites when they go up
00:52:02and they don't function well? They die.
00:52:04Seriously, guys, let's say I want to launch today.
00:52:07Let's start. Let's use that as a jumping off point.
00:52:10Let's make this happen. What can we do?
00:52:12Look, man, I didn't go to Yale so I could work
00:52:1412 hours a day.
00:52:15I thought you went to Santa Monica City College.
00:52:17I went where I went, Jason.
00:52:18I'm not asking you to work 12 hours a day.
00:52:20I mean, you guys watch movies without nudity in them.
00:52:23I'll tell you what, man. We could probably
00:52:25get it online in three months.
00:52:26Thank you. Yes! Three months.
00:52:28Come on, Jason!
00:52:29Fuck off!
00:52:31Yeah, well, you still have a little dick, Cartman.
00:52:35- Do you have mints? - Yeah, right there.
00:52:36I see what you're saying. Totally.
00:52:38I don't get how you're comfortable
00:52:40with any of these guys
00:52:40when they're doing what they're doing to you.
00:52:42First guy...
00:52:44Oh, there that shit is. I've been looking for that.
00:52:47The first guy, when he put his finger in,
00:52:49he gave me this look like,
00:52:50'Sorry, man, it's the job' and I'm like, 'Don't look
00:52:54at me when your finger's...'
00:52:55I mean, get in and get out. Get on with your day,
00:52:58you know?
00:52:58That's the closest I'll ever come to being
00:53:01in a threesome, I think.
00:53:02Really?
00:53:03If you had to do a threesome with me and one
00:53:05of my other roommates,
00:53:06who would it be?
00:53:07Um...
00:53:09I'm gonna have to go with Jay.
00:53:10Oh, no.
00:53:11- Yeah. - Jay?
00:53:13I'm really turned on by his sort of skinny awkwardness
00:53:16- and his hot little Mohawk. - His Mohawk.
00:53:19You two are never allowed to be in the same room ever again.
00:53:22If we ever had a three-way with Jay, you turn around,
00:53:24he'd be sucking my dick.
00:53:25I'm telling you right now.
00:53:27- Do you smoke cigarettes? - No.
00:53:29Do you smoke cigarettes?
00:53:32I have on occasion.
00:53:33On occasion? When? When was the last time you had one cig?
00:53:36You know, one, you know, little...
00:53:37I need to know, or I will not be your doctor.
00:53:41How you doing?
00:53:43I'm breathing like James Gandolfini over here.
00:53:47Slow down, man. You're making me look
00:53:49like a jackass.
00:53:50How long you kids been married?
00:53:52- We're not. - No.
00:53:53You're single?
00:53:54She's not single. She's just not married.
00:53:57Are you two together?
00:54:00Hey, you wanna trade boyfriends?
00:54:03Just kidding. Kind of.
00:54:10That is not your vagina. That's your asshole.
00:54:15That happens about five times a day.
00:54:17Are you sure you don't wanna come paintballing?
00:54:19Have fun, guys. Seriously. Watch the eyes.
00:54:22- See you, guys. - See you, Ally. Bye.
00:54:23I don't wanna go. I swear to God.
00:54:27I wanna see Breathless at the LACMA.
00:54:31Boobs! Boobs, boobs, boobs!
00:54:33Hold on, pause it, pause it, pause it.
00:54:35Boobs and bush! Boobs and bush.
00:54:36- Good boobs. - Those are good ones!
00:54:38We're like 35 seconds in. Nice.
00:54:40- Right in the beginning credits. - Credit bush.
00:54:42- You never get opening credit bush. - I know. That's so crazy.
00:54:45No.
00:54:48You got me.
00:54:50You got me.
00:54:52How many doctors are there in your practice?
00:54:54Just 'cause I'm sort of looking for a more
00:54:56personal experience.
00:54:57I wanna make sure that you're my doctor
00:54:59on the day, and...
00:55:00Yeah, I understand.
00:55:02We have three other doctors in the practice,
00:55:05but I'm your man, okay?
00:55:07I don't take vacations. I hate Hawaii.
00:55:10I went to the Caribbean when I was 14,
00:55:12and I'm never going back.
00:55:14I feel really good about this. I think we found our doctor.
00:55:17- Really? - Yeah.
00:55:18All right.
00:55:19- Are you serious right now? - Yeah.
00:55:22Wow.
00:55:23- You look relieved. - I am very relieved.
00:55:25I can't imagine meeting any more of you people.
00:55:29You're being dramatic. We didn't meet that many.
00:55:39Do they know?
00:55:40Pardon?
00:55:43The belly.
00:55:45Oh, yeah. The donuts, they call to me.
00:55:48- Hey, Allison. Great job. - Thanks.
00:55:53- You're pregnant, aren't you? - What?
00:55:56I mean, you've put on like, eight pounds, nine.
00:55:59It's all in your uterus.
00:56:02Oh, shit.
00:56:04I haven't told them. Do you think
00:56:06they're gonna be mad?
00:56:07I'm, like, really chickening out about this.
00:56:10It's okay. We can hide this.
00:56:12We'll dress you in black, and we'll emphasize
00:56:15your boobs.
00:56:15Awesome.
00:56:17I mean, your boobs are gonna be big.
00:56:19And then they're gonna be, like, scary big.
00:56:22But then they'll go down. And then they'll stay down.
00:56:25Just... Just don't say anything, okay?
00:56:27Please don't say anything.
00:56:28Oh, no, I won't, I won't. Just tell them. They'll be cool.
00:56:33Everybody loves somebody pregnant.
00:56:38Did you see this sex offender website?
00:56:40These are all the sex offenders in our neighborhood.
00:56:43Looks like your computer has chicken pox.
00:56:46Those are sex offenders.
00:56:48These people live in our neighborhood.
00:56:50Well, I'll skip their houses when we're trick-or-treating.
00:56:52What do you want me to do? Form a posse?
00:56:55Got your six-shooter on you? I got my lynching rope.
00:56:57You shouldn't take it so lightly.
00:56:59I don't take it lightly.
00:57:00You know, I'm not gonna go over to any of these
00:57:02people's houses and say,
00:57:03'Hey, do you mind... Can you baby-sit?'
00:57:05If I didn't care about these things,
00:57:07you wouldn't care about anything.
00:57:08Care more.
00:57:10You're so concerned with stuff, like
00:57:11'Don't get them vaccinated.
00:57:12'Don't let them eat fish. There's mercury in the water.'
00:57:15Jesus, how much Dateline NBC can you watch?
00:57:17I know we're supposed to be nice
00:57:19with each other right now,
00:57:20but I'm having a really hard time.
00:57:21- I'm struggling with it right now. - What am I doing?
00:57:24'Cause I want to rip your fucking head off because
00:57:26you're so fucking stupid!
00:57:28- This is scary. These are our children. - Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
00:57:31- You fucking dipshit. God! You... - Mmm-hmm.
00:57:35I literally am at a point where I don't know what I can say.
00:57:38So I'm the bad guy
00:57:39because I'm trying to protect our kids from child molesters
00:57:42and mercury?
00:57:42And you're cool 'cause you don't give a shit.
00:57:45- Yeah. - Yeah? Is that it?
00:57:47- Pretty much. - God, you're an asshole.
00:57:50Don't do this in front of Ben.
00:57:52I don't give a shit about Ben.
00:57:55Sorry, Ben.
00:57:56It's okay. I didn't think she did, anyway.
00:57:58Okay, Come on! Let's go.
00:58:00Oh, I can't go.
00:58:01This band is doing a showcase out in the Valley. I got to go.
00:58:04It's Saturday.
00:58:07I got to go.
00:58:09You don't want to know the sex of the baby?
00:58:11That's no fun.
00:58:13Ben knows, but I've sworn him to secrecy.
00:58:16I'll get it out of him.
00:58:18No.
00:58:26Hey.
00:58:27Think we'll ever be as happy as Baby Björn couple is?
00:58:30We are that happy.
00:58:32Yeah. You look happy.
00:58:34Which is awesome, 'cause I never like
00:58:36guys like you. It's great.
00:58:37You keep saying that. I know.
00:58:39This is it. This is perfect.
00:58:42Nice.
00:58:43Holy shit! It's 1,400 bucks.
00:58:45We can just borrow yours. Is that okay?
00:58:47No. You need your own crib.
00:58:49You know, there's one of these lying in an alley
00:58:51behind my house.
00:58:52We could just grab that. Just rub Purell all over it.
00:58:54You know what? Let me buy it.
00:58:56I need to get you a baby present anyway.
00:58:58- And I would love to get it for you. - No.
00:59:00I'm serious. I want to.
00:59:01No. It's too much.
00:59:05Yes. We'll take it.
00:59:07Obviously, I mean, don't insult the woman.
00:59:08She wants to get us a gift.
00:59:10Right.
00:59:11Wanna buy me some new shoes? What else can I
00:59:13squeeze out of you?
00:59:14Xbox 360. Xbox 360.
00:59:18So hot in the Valley.
00:59:19Hey! Oh, Allison! Hi.
00:59:23How are you?
00:59:24It's so good to see you.
00:59:27We've been watching you on E! It's the coolest thing.
00:59:29Yeah, it's been super exciting, just crazy busy.
00:59:31I'm so sorry I haven't called.
00:59:33Oh, it's fine. Hi, I'm Ashley.
00:59:34- This is my friend, Ben. - I'm Ben.
00:59:36I went to school with Allison.
00:59:37Okay, so, is Debbie having another baby?
00:59:39No. Allison is.
00:59:41What? I just saw you a couple months ago.
00:59:43You're pregnant?
00:59:44It was a big surprise.
00:59:46It's actually... It's a really funny story, actually.
00:59:49If you guys... If you got a second to hear it.
00:59:50It's not really funny. It's not funny.
00:59:52Let them be the judge, okay? I think it's funny.
00:59:55- You know they say don't drink and drive? - Uh-huh.
00:59:57- Don't drink and bone! - Wow.
00:59:59Okay.
01:00:02Yeah, I mean, she was acting weird,
01:00:03and I really think it's just 'cause, like,
01:00:05you know, I haven't made an honest woman out of her.
01:00:07She's carrying my bastard child. No one wants that.
01:00:10That's what I did. I mean, I married Debbie
01:00:11when she got pregnant.
01:00:12You think she's, like, hiding me?
01:00:14Like, she's, like, embarrassed by me or something like that?
01:00:16Probably. I'd hide you.
01:00:18How much do wedding rings cost?
01:00:20I mean, it really depends, you know?
01:00:22I think you're supposed to spend, like, three months' pay on a ring.
01:00:25That'll be easy. I don't make any money.
01:00:27Really? I thought there was lot of money in porn.
01:00:29God, it's not porn, okay?
01:00:31All we do is we show you what nude scenes
01:00:34are in what movies.
01:00:35Oh, like Mr. Skin?
01:00:37Who's Mr. Skin?
01:00:38Dude, Mr. Skin.
01:00:41Mr. Skin?
01:00:43No!
01:00:45We've wasted 14 months of our lives.
01:00:47This is exactly the same as our site.
01:00:50How the fuck did this happen?
01:00:51Mr. Skin. That's even a better name than ours!
01:00:53Fuck me in the beard.
01:00:55Dude, they got the top 10 group shower scenes!
01:00:57Why didn't you think of that, Jay?
01:00:58Don't put this on me!
01:01:00God damn it!
01:01:01Well, shit, I saw it online at one point, but I guess
01:01:04I didn't connect the dots.
01:01:05What are we gonna do now?
01:01:07All we need to do is think of a new, better idea
01:01:09that no one else has thought of already.
01:01:11Oh, dude, Spider-Man 3 starts in eight minutes.
01:01:13Don't worry, man. We'll figure it out.
01:01:22You know what?
01:01:24I think just because this site exists
01:01:27doesn't mean our site won't work, necessarily.
01:01:30Good things come in pairs, man, you know.
01:01:31Oh, for sure.
01:01:33Volcano, Dante's Peak, Deep Impact, Armageddon, right?
01:01:36Wyatt Earp, Tombstone.
01:01:38Panda Express, Yoshinoya Beef Bowl.
01:01:41Exactly. We can work together.
01:01:42This can help us, if anything, I think.
01:01:45We're fine. We're golden.
01:01:48Look, Allison, I'm sure this isn't how you pictured
01:01:51it being, exactly,
01:01:52and it's not how I wanted it to be,
01:01:54but that is why I'm presenting you this empty box.
01:01:57It's a promise, Allison.
01:01:59It's a promise that one day I will...
01:02:02I will fill this box with a ring that you deserve,
01:02:05a beautiful ring.
01:02:06And I can't afford it yet.
01:02:08I've picked it out already, though, and it's at De Beers,
01:02:11and it's really nice.
01:02:13So basically I'm asking you, will you marry me?
01:02:17Because I'm in love with you.
01:02:22I love you, too.
01:02:24Really?
01:02:25Oh, man, that's so nice to hear.
01:02:27That's the first time a girl's ever said that to me, so...
01:02:32But here's the thing.
01:02:35There's a thing?
01:02:36I don't really know yet what that love means, you know.
01:02:40Just 'cause it's so new, and it's so exciting
01:02:43that it's great.
01:02:45I don't know. We've only known each other
01:02:4717 weeks, so it's...
01:02:48Okay.
01:02:50Honestly, I mean, I thought...
01:02:53I thought you felt weird that we're having a baby
01:02:56and we're not engaged or anything.
01:02:57- I'm gonna get off my knee. - Yeah.
01:02:59It's hurting a little bit.
01:03:00No, I'm okay with that.
01:03:02You know, we're just doing what we can.
01:03:04We're making the best of it, and I don't want us
01:03:06to put any more pressure on ourselves
01:03:08than we already have.
01:03:09Okay. Yeah. That makes perfect sense.
01:03:11Are you okay? I don't want to hurt your feelings.
01:03:12No, no, no. Honestly, I just wanted
01:03:14to do right by you, you know?
01:03:15So if you don't want to, that's totally cool, you know?
01:03:18Okay.
01:03:20I really do love you.
01:03:22I know. Thanks.
01:03:24You mentioned that. It's nice.
01:03:33Ben proposed to me.
01:03:36- What? - He did.
01:03:37It was really sweet. I kind of feel
01:03:39a little bit bad about it.
01:03:41He was, like, wearing this great little button-down.
01:03:43He tucked his shirt in. He got down on one knee.
01:03:46It was so sweet.
01:03:47He didn't have an actual ring, though.
01:03:49It was just an empty box.
01:03:50But, you know, he had this whole spiel
01:03:52about when he has the money,
01:03:53he's gonna buy me the ring that I deserve and...
01:03:56The box was just empty?
01:03:58I mean, he can't afford a ring, so...
01:04:00So he got down on one knee and gave you an empty box?
01:04:04Yes.
01:04:05I'm sorry.
01:04:07Get over it. It was sweet.
01:04:09I'm telling you, if you'd been there,
01:04:10you would have probably cried.
01:04:11- You need to train him. - Huh?
01:04:13Oprah said that when two people meet,
01:04:18they are forced to point out each other's
01:04:20differences and flaws.
01:04:22I thought you were supposed to just accept people for who
01:04:24they are, love them anyway.
01:04:25You criticize them a lot,
01:04:27and then they get so down on themselves
01:04:29that they're forced to change.
01:04:30Really? You don't think that would just make it worse?
01:04:32That'd be, like, naggy.
01:04:33And then in the end, they thank you for it.
01:04:36You can't commit to him. You can't make
01:04:38a commitment to him.
01:04:39You don't even know him. I don't even know Pete
01:04:42after 10 years.
01:04:43- What? - I don't know what he's up to.
01:04:45He's miserable.
01:04:47Why do you say that?
01:04:48- I think he's cheating on me. - What?
01:04:50He's always going off to these business meetings
01:04:53at odd hours.
01:04:54And then I try to call him on his cell phone,
01:04:56and he says that he's in bad cell phone reception areas
01:04:59when he's in good cell phone reception areas.
01:05:02Maybe he's working late.
01:05:03You know, I mean, maybe he's just working really hard
01:05:05to sign a new great band or something.
01:05:07I can't imagine Pete doing something like that.
01:05:09There's no part of you that thinks that maybe
01:05:12he's a dirty little scumbag?
01:05:14No. Mmm-mmm.
01:05:16I think he might be.
01:05:18'Memory Spy, web memory software.
01:05:20'Locate history files, websites visited,
01:05:23'hidden downloads, searches, email history. Memory Spy.'
01:05:29Let's see you hide from me now, little man.
01:05:40So you're not even gonna tell them?
01:05:42No. You know, I don't have to tell them.
01:05:45It's illegal for them to fire me over it anyway,
01:05:48and I get three months maternity leave if I stay,
01:05:51so I'm just, you know, not gonna tell them.
01:05:53- That's a good plan. - Yeah. I like it.
01:05:55It is a good plan until her water breaks all over
01:05:58Robert De Niro's shoes.
01:05:59'My shoes! Hey, there's all this
01:06:01baby goo on it.'
01:06:02'These shoes? On these shoes?
01:06:06'Did you puke on my shoes?'
01:06:08- 'Did your water break on my shoes?'
01:06:09'Did you puke on my shoes?'
01:06:10Oh, my God.
01:06:12Isn't it weird, though, when you have a kid
01:06:14and all your dreams and hopes
01:06:15just go right out the window?
01:06:17What changed for you? What went out the window?
01:06:20What plans?
01:06:20You do everything exactly the same.
01:06:22No, I mean, I love what I'm doing. Like, say...
01:06:24Okay, say, you know, before you're married
01:06:27and have children,
01:06:28you wanna go live in India for a year.
01:06:30You can do it. But you can't do it
01:06:32once you have a family.
01:06:33- You wanna go live in India? - I don't wanna go
01:06:35live in India.
01:06:35Do you want to go to India? Go to India! Seriously,
01:06:38go to India.
01:06:39What about you? Do you want to go to India?
01:06:40I'm not going to India. You can go to India.
01:06:42I get what he's talking about.
01:06:44You know, honestly, like, when I found out about...
01:06:47I totally, like, I just had this flash of me, like in a white Ford Bronco,
01:06:53and I'm just hauling ass for Canada, man.
01:06:56The chopper's taping the whole thing, and I just...
01:06:59I bust through the border and I'm a free man!
01:07:01That's all I kept thinking, man.
01:07:03You know what I'm saying? It was a flash!
01:07:04Wait. What do you mean? What are you...
01:07:06Don't look at me.
01:07:06We can talk about our fears here.
01:07:07It's not like he did it.
01:07:08I mean, honestly, like, if Doc Brown screeched up
01:07:11in front of you in the DeLorean.
01:07:13Open the door, he's like,
01:07:14'Hey, Allison, Come on. I got the car here. What do you wanna do?'
01:07:17No part of your brain would have been, like, 'You know, maybe we'll go back
01:07:20'to that night and I would maybe put a condom on Ben's dick.'
01:07:25- You never got that flash? - No.
01:07:27And I don't know what you're talking about.
01:07:29'Where we're going, we don't need roads.'
01:07:32Exactly. You wouldn't do that?
01:07:34I don't know who Doc Brown is.
01:07:37What are you talking about?
01:07:38Doc Brown is the guy who's Christopher Lloyd.
01:07:40He invented the DeLorean, the time machine.
01:07:42- He's the one who made the time machine. - What?
01:07:43It's the time machine. Everyone has the time machine image.
01:07:46Hey. I have a really good idea.
01:07:49Why don't the two of you get into your time machine,
01:07:53go back in time and fuck each other?
01:07:56Who needs a time machine?
01:07:58This is my time machine!
01:07:59I'm gonna throw you in my DeLorean, gun it to '88.
01:08:06You are a funny motherfucker, man. Jesus.
01:08:08How can you fight with him? Look at his face.
01:08:10I just want to kiss it.
01:08:12I think he's cute.
01:08:13I like the way you move.
01:08:17This is fun! We should do this more, I think.
01:08:20I mean, this is, like, the most fun I've had
01:08:23in a really long time.
01:08:31- Come on, harder. - I can't do it harder.
01:08:33Why? Come on. Come on, just do it. Deeper.
01:08:36- I can't. - Oh, why?
01:08:38- I'll poke the baby if I go deeper. - Oh, Come on! Just do it!
01:08:41Please, don't yell at me, please don't.
01:08:43What? The doctor and Debbie said it's fine. Come on!
01:08:46Look, can we... I'm sorry, can we change positions?
01:08:48- What? - I'm gonna crush the baby. I know it.
01:08:51- This is ridiculous! Why are we... - No, it's not.
01:08:53There's no shell in there, you know?
01:08:54Millions of people have sex when they're pregnant!
01:08:57I don't know how it works. It just works, okay? Just do it.
01:08:59All I'm thinking of is that I'm gonna...
01:09:01I weigh over 200 pounds.
01:09:02- Just get over it! - I can't do it. Can you just get on top?
01:09:05All I see is our baby getting poked in the face by my penis.
01:09:09- Trust me, you're not even close. - Okay.
01:09:10- Come on, fine. - Okay, fine.
01:09:15Ow, ow, ow, ow.
01:09:17- That's okay. - Sorry.
01:09:19Okay. Oh, good.
01:09:21I can't. I can't.
01:09:23I can't. I can't do this, I just... I can't. I can't.
01:09:25I can't focus like this.
01:09:26I look disgusting from this angle. I can feel
01:09:28you looking up at my chins.
01:09:30- I know I look gross. - No, you look beautiful.
01:09:32Your chin looks so skinny.
01:09:33And my boobs are all, like, squishy, and they're
01:09:35flopping around.
01:09:35- I can feel it, and it's distracting. - No...
01:09:37It's all National Geographic.
01:09:39Okay. Can we do... Do you wanna do doggie style?
01:09:42No. I do not want you to fuck me like a dog.
01:09:45I'm not fucking you like a dog. It's doggie style.
01:09:48It's just the style. It's not...
01:09:51It's not like a dog. We don't have
01:09:54to go outside or anything.
01:09:56- Here we go. Okay. - Okay.
01:10:00- Okay, is it good? - Yeah.
01:10:01- Should I go slower? - Yeah, no, that's good.
01:10:03- Okay, faster? - Harder.
01:10:05- Just tell me when you're close. - Just go harder.
01:10:06- Okay. - Keep going!
01:10:09Oh, God.
01:10:11- Oh, fuck! - What?
01:10:12- What happened? - Oh, my God.
01:10:13- The baby, it kicked my hand. - Well, no, no, it always kicks.
01:10:16- No, no, no. Not like this. - No, it's fine. It's fine. Just keep going.
01:10:19It was a warning kick. This was a bad kick.
01:10:20No, no, it's fine. It's fine! It's fine!
01:10:22Look, my dick must be like an inch away from its face,
01:10:25- and it's coming, just coming in at its face. - Oh, shit.
01:10:27What if it kicked 'cause it didn't like it?
01:10:28I can't do that to our baby. That's the first thing it's gonna see.
01:10:32What are you talking about?
01:10:34It's having the baby between,
01:10:36you know, us, it just makes it weird.
01:10:38I'm sorry.
01:10:38It just freaks me out a bit. It's a little weird.
01:10:40I have totally lost it.
01:10:41- You've totally lost it? - I've lost it.
01:10:43Okay.
01:10:45Great, you know what? Just forget it.
01:10:46Okay. Okay, fine.
01:10:50Don't worry. I won't make you do this again.
01:10:53Shit.
01:11:10Fuck me!
01:11:12Oh, my God. It's the Russians!
01:11:16- Jodi, I'll protect you! - Oh, man!
01:11:19Ben!
01:11:21Oh, my God.
01:11:23Oh, God. Oh, no!
01:11:25Oh, God, that was horrible! That was so horrible!
01:11:28When will it be light out?
01:11:29Okay, you're fine, man. Take it easy.
01:11:31- Hey, did anybody turn off the gas? - I didn't do it.
01:11:33Oh, motherfucker.
01:11:35- Hey, Marty. - Yeah.
01:11:37This is my friend, Alex. She's a pretty
01:11:38incredible person.
01:11:39Okay. Nice to meet you.
01:11:42Whoa, dude! Not cool, Martin.
01:11:45That's... That wasn't...
01:11:47Hey, are you serious, Howard Hughes?
01:11:48- What happened? - Nothing. Nothing happened.
01:11:51- Come on. - Where were you?
01:11:54Look, I forgot you were sleeping over.
01:11:55I'm sorry, okay?
01:11:56Yeah, 'cause you're getting high off your huge bong.
01:11:59How am I supposed to be comfortable
01:12:01with the idea that you can take care of me and the baby
01:12:02if you are always getting high?
01:12:05You want me to stop smoking pot
01:12:06'cause there's an earthquake once every 10 years?
01:12:08That makes no sense, Allison. Look, you're being irrational.
01:12:12Just relax, okay? We're all scared, you know?
01:12:14You just...
01:12:15Oh, shit, the cops.
01:12:19California, eh?
01:12:39You know, it's times like this I'm glad I don't own nice things.
01:12:44It's a big mess, but there's only like
01:12:46$50 worth of shit here.
01:12:47And that's kind of the good thing.
01:12:49You know, my dad told me, 'Don't move to Northridge.'
01:12:51But you figure, like, what are the chances of that happening
01:12:54twice, you know?
01:12:54What is this?
01:12:56It's a ninja weapon.
01:12:59I hope this place doesn't get condemned.
01:13:02That would suck.
01:13:42- Hello? - Hey, it's me.
01:13:44- You! - Hi. So, listen.
01:13:47Will you do me a big favor?
01:13:48Debbie wants us to come over and have dinner tonight.
01:13:50She thinks Pete is cheating on her.
01:13:52- Really? - Yeah.
01:13:54Well, she saw one of his emails and...
01:13:56- Oh, man. - There's an address.
01:13:58That sounds terrible. I don't want to do that.
01:13:59Ben, Come on.
01:14:01He's not cheating on her.
01:14:02- How do you know? - I just know.
01:14:04- Are you sure? - I'm 100% sure he's not cheating.
01:14:07Are you really?
01:14:09No.
01:14:10It actually kind of makes sense that he would cheat.
01:14:12Why?
01:14:13'Cause Debbie's a pain in the ass and Pete's awesome.
01:14:15Why don't you just come over then, and we'll just diffuse
01:14:18the situation a little.
01:14:20I'm just saying the music industry is different now.
01:14:22You can't... Steely Dan would never even have a chance.
01:14:25Well, maybe it's 'cause Steely Dan gargles my balls.
01:14:28- They're incredible. - They really aren't good, man.
01:14:30Old Steely Dan.
01:14:31If I ever listen to Steely Dan,
01:14:33I want you to slice my head off with an Al Jarreau LP.
01:14:38Oh, I should get going.
01:14:39I'm supposed to see this band tonight in Hollywood.
01:14:42Actually, they're playing in Laurel Canyon,
01:14:44so I'll call you 'cause the reception's terrible
01:14:46over there, so...
01:14:47Okay.
01:14:48And I don't want you to worry 'cause I know you worry.
01:14:51I'm just gonna jump in the shower.
01:14:52It would be terrible if I smelled worse than the band.
01:14:55Okay. Have fun.
01:14:58All right.
01:15:01You guys are crazy. He's acting totally normal
01:15:04and hilarious.
01:15:17She doesn't have a gun, does she?
01:15:20No. I don't think so.
01:15:36Looks like no one's home.
01:15:38Why was the door unlocked?
01:15:40Wait here.
01:15:54I kind of feel bad for Pete.
01:15:57What?
01:15:58This isn't a good way, you know.
01:16:00If you're gonna get caught cheating,
01:16:02it shouldn't be like this.
01:16:04Well, maybe he should've thought of that
01:16:06before he was cheating.
01:16:07- Pete! - Stop it.
01:16:09I coughed. What do you want from me?
01:16:12There's nobody up there.
01:16:14Thank you.
01:16:16I guess I was wrong.
01:16:18I told you.
01:16:19- Can we get out of here, please? - Yeah, Come on. Let's go.
01:16:21Suck it! Did you hear that?
01:16:24- What? - I didn't hear anything.
01:16:43- Carlos Delgado. - Excellent choice.
01:16:45Too bad I got him three rounds ago. You're still on the clock.
01:16:47- Oh, shit! - You gotta do something.
01:16:49We need a name.
01:16:51Hideki Matsui.
01:16:52- You just took my whole outfield. - Sorry, Charlie.
01:16:54What is this?
01:16:56Debbie.
01:16:57What the fuck is this?
01:17:00It's our fantasy baseball draft.
01:17:02We said no wives.
01:17:03Your fantasy what?
01:17:05It's our draft for fantasy baseball.
01:17:08I told you all about this.
01:17:11Got Matsui.
01:17:15Shit!
01:17:17Hey, Pete, don't let the door hit you
01:17:19in the vagina on the way out!
01:17:20- Come on, who's going? - Prince, you're on the clock.
01:17:23I should have told you.
01:17:24- What else have you been lying about? - Nothing...
01:17:27That guy said,
01:17:28'Don't let the door hit you in the vagina on the way out.'
01:17:31Yeah, I heard him.
01:17:33That was hilarious.
01:17:34It's just that I know you've been mad 'cause I've
01:17:36been working so much,
01:17:37and I didn't want to upset you.
01:17:39I wouldn't be mad. I don't get mad.
01:17:41It's a fantasy baseball draft. I'm not cheating or anything.
01:17:45No, this is worse.
01:17:47How is this worse?
01:17:48This is you wanting to be with your friends
01:17:51more than your family.
01:17:53Look, the reason I make that up is because if I told
01:17:55you what I was really doing,
01:17:56you would just get mad.
01:17:58So you think I'm seeing a band, I do my fantasy draft,
01:18:02and it's win-win.
01:18:04Well, what'd you do last Wednesday night when you said
01:18:06you went to see a band?
01:18:08I went to the movies.
01:18:09- With who? - By myself.
01:18:11What'd you see?
01:18:13Spider-Man 3.
01:18:14Why do you want to go by yourself? Why didn't you ask me to go?
01:18:17Because I needed to get away, you know.
01:18:19With work and you and the kids, sometimes I just
01:18:21need some time to myself.
01:18:22I need time for myself. I want time for myself, too.
01:18:25You're not the only one.
01:18:27It's not that big of a deal.
01:18:30I like Spider-Man.
01:18:33Okay, so let's see Spider-Man 3 next week.
01:18:35I don't wanna go see it now.
01:18:38I don't wanna have to ask you to ask me.
01:18:41I want you to just come up with it on your own.
01:18:44I don't even know what to say. What do you want me to do?
01:18:47You just think because you don't yell that you're
01:18:50not mean, but this is mean.
01:18:53I'm not being mean. I'm being honest.
01:18:55You're telling me I need to be honest.
01:18:56No, you're not. You're lying.
01:18:58I'm doing it because I need to keep my sanity a little bit.
01:19:04You know what? I don't want you
01:19:06at the house anymore, okay?
01:19:09Come on.
01:19:12Shit, she's coming back.
01:19:15How come we go to the gynecologist so often?
01:19:17I bet we have to go so much so we can pay for that
01:19:20$300,000 machine he has.
01:19:22I cannot stop thinking about what an asshole Pete is.
01:19:29That's a little strong, I would say.
01:19:31Really?
01:19:33'Cause that had to be one of the most selfish things
01:19:35I've ever witnessed.
01:19:37It's understandable, I would say. I even think
01:19:39it's kind of funny.
01:19:40What's funny about it?
01:19:42Well, you won't laugh now, I wouldn't imagine,
01:19:45but, you know, the situation.
01:19:48We break into this stranger's house
01:19:50thinking we're gonna find him sleeping with a woman,
01:19:53and it's a bunch of nerds playing fantasy baseball.
01:19:56If you saw that, like, on television, you would laugh.
01:19:58Is that what you think? Is that what you wanna do, Ben?
01:20:02I don't even like baseball.
01:20:04I'm just saying, when you're a guy and,
01:20:06you know, you have a family,
01:20:08you have responsibility, you lose that male camaraderie.
01:20:10And I get that. I totally understand
01:20:13where he's coming from.
01:20:14Why do guys always go to that place?
01:20:16'We miss male camaraderie.' Why do I give a shit?
01:20:18Go hang out with your bearded freak friends. I don't care.
01:20:21You wanna hang out with guys that look like the shoe
01:20:23bomber, it's all on you, man.
01:20:24What the fuck am I supposed to say to that?
01:20:26You should just support me!
01:20:27You know, you should just support everything I say
01:20:30because at this juncture in my life, I'm allowed to be wrong!
01:20:32- So if you're wrong, I have to support it? - Yes!
01:20:34I can't tell you that you're acting like a lunatic?
01:20:36- No. - No? Okay.
01:20:37That's helpful. You have to do nothing!
01:20:40I've sacrificed a lot of shit to do this!
01:20:42You haven't sacrificed anything!
01:20:43I have.
01:20:44I've had to sacrifice my job, my body, my youth, my vagina!
01:20:48You've sacrificed your vagina?
01:20:49Yes! It will never look the same after this!
01:20:54Well. Fine. I'm sorry, I'll pay for vaginal
01:20:57reconstructive surgery.
01:20:58You can't pay for shit! You can barely buy spaghetti!
01:21:01You're right! Fine! Okay.
01:21:03You know what? Get out of the car.
01:21:06You know what? How...
01:21:07Why don't you not threaten me?
01:21:09You should just get out of the fucking car.
01:21:11I'm not gonna get out of the car in the middle of nowhere! No!
01:21:13- Get out of the car! - No.
01:21:14- I own this car! Get out of my car! - No.
01:21:17- Get out of my car! - No.
01:21:18Get out of my fucking car!
01:21:32Can you let me back in the car, please?
01:21:34Have you calmed down? Did you take a breath?
01:21:40I have no clue where we are!
01:21:43Fine. Go.
01:21:50Great.
01:22:09Okay.
01:22:11Maybe I should take my shoes off. Or my belt
01:22:14buckle, my belt buckle's huge.
01:22:16Don't worry about gaining weight.
01:22:17Your baby wants you to gain a whole mess of weight.
01:22:20Are you fucking kidding me?
01:22:21Why don't you take off your earrings, too?
01:22:23They weigh about 80 pounds.
01:22:24They're made out of moon rocks, aren't they?
01:22:25Do not make fun of me. Okay? I am hormonal.
01:22:28I am terrified, and I am falling apart,
01:22:30so stop treating everything like it's a big joke!
01:22:33Okay, I'm sorry you're freaking out,
01:22:34but I just walked three fucking miles through Koreatown to get here!
01:22:38Sorry if I'm trying to lighten the mood a little.
01:22:40Well, don't, okay?
01:22:41You can't take anything seriously!
01:22:43You know, you didn't even read the baby books.
01:22:45I didn't read the baby book! What's gonna happen?
01:22:48How did anyone ever give birth without a baby book?
01:22:50That's right. The ancient Egyptians fucking engraved
01:22:54What to Expect When You're Expecting
01:22:55on the pyramid walls!
01:22:56I forgot about that!
01:22:58Who gives a flying fuck about the baby books?
01:23:00It just shows your lack of commitment, Ben!
01:23:03That you're not in this with me!
01:23:06Did you just say 'my lack of commitment'? 'Cause
01:23:08that's what it sounded like.
01:23:09It almost seems as though you forgot I proposed
01:23:12to you, like an asshole!
01:23:14And you said no to me!
01:23:16If you feel that way, you should just go.
01:23:18Really. Just go.
01:23:20Because we didn't mean to do this together, okay?
01:23:23And... And we tried to make it work
01:23:25and that was good, I suppose.
01:23:27But it doesn't work.
01:23:29Because we are two completely different people.
01:23:31And I think it would just be easier for both of us
01:23:33if we stop fooling ourselves.
01:23:35You know, I know this isn't you talking,
01:23:36it's your hormones,
01:23:37but I would just like to say, fuck you, hormones!
01:23:40You are a crazy bitch, hormones.
01:23:43Not Allison! Hormones!
01:23:45Fuck them! It's a girl! Buy some pink shit!
01:23:48Nice. You are such an asshole.
01:23:51You know what? Go fuck your fucking bong, you fuck!
01:23:54I will fuck my bong. Doggie style, for once.
01:24:01Are you ready?
01:24:06I'm really sorry about all that. That was really inappropriate.
01:24:09Oh, no, that's okay. It happens all the time here.
01:24:11It's fine.
01:24:11- Oh, good, okay, I don't feel so stupid, then. - No, no, not at all.
01:24:15I totally know what you're talking about, man.
01:24:17Like, if I wrote out the list of shit Allison
01:24:19doesn't let me do,
01:24:20like, it would be endless. 'Don't smoke pot. Don't have
01:24:23samurai swords in your room.
01:24:25'Don't have illegal grow operations in the house.'
01:24:27I mean, like, I could go on all fucking day.
01:24:30Have I told her to stop doing anything ever? No.
01:24:33Marriage is like that show, Everybody Loves Raymond,
01:24:35but it's not funny.
01:24:37All the problems are the same, but it's...
01:24:40You know, instead of all the funny, pithy dialog,
01:24:42everybody's just really pissed off and tense.
01:24:45Marriage is like an unfunny, tense version of
01:24:49Everybody Loves Raymond.
01:24:50But it doesn't last 22 minutes.
01:24:54It lasts forever.
01:24:57Let's get out of here, man. Honestly, like, let's just go.
01:25:01- Let's go to Vegas. - Let's do it.
01:25:03- Yeah. - Why not?
01:25:10- Get up. - What?
01:25:12- We're not gonna do this. - What?
01:25:13Seriously.
01:25:16What are you doing?
01:25:18We have to go do something and have fun!
01:25:23I'm just so tired.
01:25:24I know you're tired.
01:25:25But we're gonna be untired! We're gonna go live!
01:25:30I hate you so much sometimes.
01:25:32We're gonna be positive.
01:25:33Positive, positive, positive! Up!
01:25:36How many Red Bulls have you had?
01:25:38I've had about three Red Bulls in the last 15 minutes.
01:25:41And I feel fabulous!
01:25:42We're gonna create a new life and it's gonna be awesome!
01:25:46Get up! Let's go!
01:25:50Since when do we lock this fucking thing? Come on!
01:25:58We can't go, dude. Sorry.
01:26:00Holy crap! What happened?
01:26:02We got pink eye.
01:26:04What, you giving each other butterfly kisses or something?
01:26:06Ha, ha, ha. Very funny. That's not how you get pink eye.
01:26:08You get it from poo particles making their way
01:26:10into your ocular cavities.
01:26:12Hey, Ben. How's it going? Yo.
01:26:14I farted on Jason's pillow as a practical joke.
01:26:17He farted on Jonah's, thinking it was mine,
01:26:19and then eventually pink-eyed my pillow.
01:26:23I'm not proud of any of this, but I think we've all
01:26:27forgiven each other.
01:26:29But we can't go anywhere.
01:26:30You can get pink eye from farting in a pillow?
01:26:33- Totally. - Mmm-hmm.
01:26:34That's awesome!
01:26:35Yeah, but you got to be bare-assed.
01:26:37Jesus, Martin got it bad!
01:26:39What, did someone take a dump right in your eye?
01:26:41No. No pink eye for me.
01:26:45I'm just really high.
01:26:49Well, stay back, guys. I got to get my suit, okay?
01:26:54Fuck you.
01:26:58Are you Debbie's husband?
01:26:59Yeah.
01:27:05- This is fun! - This is great.
01:27:06- It's just fun, man. - We're gonna have the best time ever.
01:27:09- We make a good team, man. - Yeah.
01:27:11It's like, I can't come here with Debbie.
01:27:13She wouldn't understand it. She doesn't understand.
01:27:15She wants to hold me in, and she was telling Allison
01:27:17she could train you.
01:27:18She thinks she could train me?
01:27:19Yeah, like you're running the Triple Crown.
01:27:21She can't train this! I'm like Siegfried and Roy's Bengal.
01:27:24You think I'm trained. I'll...
01:27:26- I'll bite your fucking face off! - That's right.
01:27:28In front of a crowd, baby.
01:27:29This is better. Besides, I don't know if I have enough
01:27:32of these babies to go around.
01:27:34My God! Are these mushrooms?
01:27:35Uh-huh. I got them from a roadie for the Black Crowes.
01:27:37I'm eating them.
01:27:38No, no, no. Save it! I got tickets
01:27:39to Cirque du Soleil.
01:27:41You do? No, you don't.
01:27:42I swear to God, man.
01:27:44Holy shit!
01:27:46See? I see the beam of light.
01:27:47There it is, baby! Whoo-hoo!
01:27:50You're so money that you don't even know
01:27:52how much money you have.
01:27:53You're money, baby! You're money!
01:28:00I love Vegas, man.
01:28:03This is the greatest place on Earth.
01:28:04It's really amazing here. You got my tie!
01:28:08This is awesome!
01:28:12Now, that's how you get pink eye.
01:28:21Hey, what's up? Baby girl.
01:28:24Hi.
01:28:26What's up? End of the line, please.
01:28:28- Really? - Yeah.
01:28:31Oh, Come on.
01:28:33Look, we're at capacity, okay?
01:28:36We'll let some people in when it clears out a little.
01:28:38You'll get right in if you go back to the end of the line.
01:28:41We come here all the time. It's not a big deal.
01:28:43It doesn't really look that crowded in there.
01:28:45Hey, look. I don't make the rules.
01:28:47Please?
01:28:48No.
01:28:50Hey, what's up, shorty? What's up, pretty girls?
01:28:55See y'all when y'all get out.
01:28:58Watch yourself.
01:28:59What was that?
01:29:01What the fuck was that? It is what it is, sweetie.
01:29:03Now can you step to the back, please?
01:29:04You don't need to call me sweetie.
01:29:05Maybe we should just go.
01:29:06Maybe you should listen to your friend.
01:29:07No, you don't need to call me sweetie.
01:29:09All right, you want to come in, you're gonna have to go
01:29:11to the end of the line and wait like everybody else.
01:29:13I'm not gonna go to the end of the fucking line.
01:29:15Who the fuck are you?
01:29:16I have just as much of a right to be here
01:29:19as any of these little skanky girls!
01:29:21What, am I not skanky enough for you?
01:29:23You want me to hike up my fucking skirt?
01:29:24What the fuck is your problem? I'm not going anywhere!
01:29:28You're just some roided out freak with a fucking clipboard!
01:29:31And your stupid little fucking rope! You know what?
01:29:34You may have power now, but you're not God!
01:29:37You're a doorman! Okay?
01:29:39You're a doorman, doorman, doorman, doorman, doorman!
01:29:44So, fuck you, you fucking fag
01:29:48with your fucking little faggy gloves.
01:29:57I know.
01:30:01You're right. I'm so sorry.
01:30:04I fucking hate this job.
01:30:06I don't want to be the one to pass judgment and decide who gets in.
01:30:10This shit makes me sick to my stomach.
01:30:12I get the runs from the stress.
01:30:15It's not 'cause you're not hot. I would love to tap that ass.
01:30:18I would tear that ass up.
01:30:21I can't let you in 'cause you're old as fuck,
01:30:24for this club,
01:30:25not, you know, for the Earth.
01:30:28What?
01:30:29You old. She pregnant.
01:30:31Can't have a bunch of old, pregnant bitches running around.
01:30:34That's crazy.
01:30:36I'm only allowed to let in 5% black people. He said that. 5%.
01:30:40That mean if there's 25 people here,
01:30:42I get to let in one-and-a-quarter black people.
01:30:45So I got to hope there's a black midget in the crowd.
01:30:48Now I feel guilty. I'm sorry.
01:30:50Why y'all wanna be in here anyway?
01:30:52Y'all need to be at a yoga class or something.
01:30:54What the fuck is she doing at the club?
01:30:56That's not even good parenting right there.
01:30:58Your old ass should know better than that.
01:31:01Oh, God.
01:31:07Have the mushrooms kicked in yet?
01:31:34This was a great idea, man.
01:31:37This is the best idea I've ever had in my life.
01:31:44What are they gonna do?
01:31:47What in the world are they doing?
01:31:53If I shaved my stomach and my chest, I would look
01:31:56exactly like that.
01:31:58Those guys are at work right now.
01:32:02'What'd you do today?' 'I just lifted my brother.'
01:32:06No. Don't applaud. He'll fall.
01:32:12I'm freaking out right now, man.
01:32:16The mushrooms are turning on me.
01:32:23Papa.
01:32:25I'm not your papa!
01:32:28Papa!
01:32:32I can't deal with this shit, man!
01:32:36Hold up. Hold up. Ben, wait. Ben, Ben, Ben, wait!
01:32:44It's over.
01:32:46What's over?
01:32:47My youth.
01:32:48Oh, don't say that.
01:32:50It's true.
01:32:53- I just wanna dance. I love dancing. - So dance.
01:32:57I can't dance. I'm embarrassed.
01:32:59I should be embarrassed.
01:33:01I'm a fucking whale, and I'm trying to get into some stupid club and...
01:33:06No, you look beautiful.
01:33:08And you're young and you're tall,
01:33:10and you got the good lips and boobs, and you're young still.
01:33:14I'm gonna be alone.
01:33:16Debbie, no, you're not.
01:33:17Yes, I am.
01:33:21Oh, God!
01:33:24Fucking men!
01:33:28I get worse-looking and he gets better-looking,
01:33:32and it's so fucking unfair.
01:33:36Oh, fuck.
01:33:38We should go.
01:33:41My babysitter always gets mad when we come home past 12:00.
01:33:46She's such a pissy little high-school cunt.
01:33:52Let's move, gang! Come on, Come on, Come on!
01:33:54Jessica, can you get these plates
01:33:56and put them on the table, please?
01:33:57This isn't funny.
01:33:57That guy has 12 kids. It's not funny. It's...
01:33:59Now I get to start all over again!
01:34:01This is sick. This is a sick movie.
01:34:03That's a lot of responsibility to be joking about. That's not funny.
01:34:07I got to turn this off. It's freaking me out.
01:34:10There are five different types of chairs in this hotel room.
01:34:12Holy fuck. What are they all doing in here?
01:34:14These are five different types of chairs.
01:34:16Get them out of here, man. This is too many chairs for one room.
01:34:19There's a guy that works for this hotel. His whole job
01:34:21is to find chairs.
01:34:22Look at this one. Look at it.
01:34:24It's gold and red, and it's kind of shiny.
01:34:25Shiny thread? Unbelievable.
01:34:27It is beautiful and it feels amazing.
01:34:30The tall one's gawking at me and the short one's being very droll.
01:34:33I don't like them.
01:34:34Oh, wow.
01:34:36It's weird that chairs even exist when you're not sitting on them.
01:34:39I'm up high! I'm really high up.
01:34:42I should've read the baby books.
01:34:45Why didn't you read the baby books?
01:34:47'Cause then it's real, you know?
01:34:48Dude, it's real whether or not you read those books.
01:34:50That baby's coming.
01:34:53Oh, man!
01:34:55Think they'll take us back?
01:34:57Yes.
01:34:59But I don't know why.
01:35:02Do you ever wonder how somebody could even like you?
01:35:04All the time, man. Like every day. I wonder how you like me.
01:35:08How can Debbie like me? She likes me. I mean, she loves me.
01:35:12The biggest problem in our marriage is that
01:35:14she wants me around.
01:35:15She loves me so much
01:35:16that she wants me around all the time.
01:35:18That's our biggest problem. And I can't even accept that?
01:35:21Like that upsets me?
01:35:23What?
01:35:24She's the one. She loves me.
01:35:26You can't believe people love you?
01:35:29I love you, man! Debbie loves you!
01:35:32I don't think I can accept her love.
01:35:34There's something wrong with me.
01:35:35You can't accept love?
01:35:39I don't know what it is.
01:35:40Love? The most beautiful, shiny, warmy thing in the world?
01:35:43You can't accept it?
01:35:44I have to go to this other chair.
01:35:48Oh, this is a better energy.
01:35:49You can't accept pure love? You can't accept Debbie?
01:35:53She's chosen to give you her life.
01:35:55She's picked you as her life partner!
01:35:58But you play fantasy baseball because you can't accept her love?
01:36:03I could accept it, man.
01:36:06And Debbie's amazing, man.
01:36:08She's cool and she's funny and she smells good
01:36:11and she's nice and her hair always looks different.
01:36:14She's too good for you, man.
01:36:16Tastes like a rainbow.
01:36:18You're disgusting. You know, you're an urchin.
01:36:21And she busts your balls 'cause you're a little bitch.
01:36:23You're a filthy bitch! And I'd bust your balls.
01:36:28Debbie wants to give her life to you, and Allison doesn't
01:36:31want to do that with me.
01:36:32And it makes me sad all day.
01:36:36I want to go home.
01:36:38I wanna go home, too.
01:36:42Everything looks beautiful. Thanks.
01:36:45I went kind of overboard, huh?
01:36:46No. It's great.
01:36:47Your daughter only turns eight once.
01:36:50Is Ben gonna come?
01:36:53I don't think so. I don't know why he would.
01:37:09Oh, hey. What up, dawg?
01:37:11Where have you been?
01:37:13Around. You know?
01:37:14Just kind of doing my thing.
01:37:16Why is everybody so mad at you?
01:37:18I don't know. Are they mad? What have they been saying?
01:37:20They've been saying, like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,
01:37:23'Ben's a prick.'
01:37:24They said that?
01:37:26A lot.
01:37:27That sucks.
01:37:28What does it mean?
01:37:31Penis. It means penis.
01:37:33Oh.
01:37:36Penis.
01:37:39Babe, we're running low on plates.
01:37:42Hey, Ben! What's up, man?
01:37:43What's happening, man?
01:37:45- Hey, Ben. - Hey, Debbie.
01:37:47- How are you? - Good. How are you?
01:37:48Hi.
01:37:50Did you just get pink cupcakes or yellow cupcakes?
01:37:53I just got yellow cupcakes.
01:37:54I thought I said get pink cupcakes.
01:37:56- I can run out. I'll get some more. - Nah, it's no big deal.
01:37:58- I don't mind. - No, it doesn't matter.
01:38:00- You sure? - Yeah. You look really cute in that.
01:38:02All right.
01:38:06- Well, that was fast, you pussy. - I'm a...
01:38:08You're the one that got dressed up like a cholo on
01:38:12Easter to come to this party.
01:38:14How are things at Butt-Fucking-Ham Palace?
01:38:17You look like Babe Ruth's gay brother, Gabe Ruth.
01:38:21Well played, sir. That was good.
01:38:24You gonna talk to Allison?
01:38:26Yeah, I was just about to.
01:38:27Right on.
01:38:29It's a doll.
01:38:30Thanks, Ben.
01:38:35I just don't think we can make it work.
01:38:38We can get back on track, and everything's gonna be great.
01:38:41You're just being nice, and I'm being nice,
01:38:43and just because we're two nice people doesn't mean...
01:38:46we should stay together.
01:38:48I don't want this baby to determine the rest of our lives. You know?
01:38:52Me not wanting to do this alone isn't enough of a reason
01:38:54to drag you into a relationship with me. It's just not fair.
01:38:59And don't repeat this, but God, I don't want to end up like Debbie.
01:39:04But Debbie's happy.
01:39:05Yeah, she's happy today.
01:39:07But every day is a constant struggle for them
01:39:10because they're not right for each other.
01:39:11You know? And they have to force it, and I don't want...
01:39:14us to have to do that.
01:39:14I don't want to force you to be what I think you should be.
01:39:18That's wrong of me because you're great.
01:39:20You really are. You're great the way you are, and...
01:39:24I mean, you like to get high, and you like to do shrooms in Vegas.
01:39:29I didn't do shrooms in Vegas. Who am I to stop you?
01:39:31Who am I to tell you that that's wrong? It's not wrong.
01:39:33It's who you are.
01:39:34It's what you enjoy and that's your life and...
01:39:37I'm not that guy anymore.
01:39:40I mean, we can be friends.
01:39:42And you can be there when the baby is born,
01:39:46and in the baby's life as much as you want.
01:39:48I hope you will be.
01:39:50I just... I think that if you just...
01:39:53I don't know. If you give me a shot to just show you that I'm...
01:39:56- Excuse me? - Oh, shit.
01:39:58Can you grab the video camera?
01:39:59- We're gonna sing Happy Birthday now. - Yeah.
01:40:02I'm sorry. I got to go.
01:40:05- I'm sorry. - It's okay.
01:40:06I'll be right back, though, all right?
01:40:07- We'll finish talking. - Yeah, yeah. Okay, go.
01:40:15What happened?
01:40:16Thanks for warning me, man.
01:40:18I just walked into a fucking buzz saw. She rejected me.
01:40:20'Cause you, for some insane reason,
01:40:23told Debbie that I did mushrooms with you in Vegas!
01:40:25She gets mad 'cause I smoke pot!
01:40:27Now I'm upping it to fucking psychedelics! Thanks!
01:40:29Really? I thought she'd take you back.
01:40:31You know why she just rejected me?
01:40:33'Cause you're such a shitty husband,
01:40:34she thinks I'm gonna turn into a shitty husband.
01:40:43Happy Birthday to you
01:40:47Happy Birthday to you
01:40:52Jessica! Right here! Can we get a photo?
01:40:55- When are you due? - I got two months.
01:40:57- Really? - Yeah.
01:40:58- Wow, you're so big already. - Yeah.
01:41:01- When is that baby popping out? - I got two months to go.
01:41:04- Really? Are you dilated yet? I can tell.
01:41:06Wow, wow!
01:41:07You look fantastic. You look... Are you gonna, like, give birth right now?
01:41:11Wow, you're about to drop any second.
01:41:14- You know what? - I love your broach.
01:41:15You don't need to lie to me. I don't appreciate it.
01:41:17I know I look like a fat cow.
01:41:19- And I'm sweating profusely. I know that. - No, no.
01:41:21No, you don't look like a fat cow at all. You look great.
01:41:25So, I have to get going in. They're calling me.
01:41:27Steve, hey. Help me out. Give me an interview, please.
01:41:29Well, I just need to run in.
01:41:30You know what? Just say into the camera, 'You're watching E! Entertainment.'
01:41:33- Congratulations. - Just give me that.
01:41:34No, Steve, don't be an asshole! Come on.
01:41:37I'm not being an asshole.
01:41:39Wow, you managed to turn Steve Carell into an asshole.
01:41:42- No easy feat. - Shut up, Brent.
01:41:45You screwed me, Dad, okay?
01:41:47You said everything was gonna be fine and nothing is fine.
01:41:50Nothing is fine.
01:41:51Ben, I've been divorced three times. Why would you listen to me?
01:41:55Because you were the only one giving me advice!
01:41:57And it was terrible advice!
01:41:59You can go around blaming everyone else, but in the end,
01:42:03until you take responsibility for yourself, none of this is gonna work out.
01:42:08I don't know how to take responsibility for myself, okay?
01:42:11- I didn't read the baby books! - You didn't read the books?
01:42:13I just smoke less pot. I don't know what to do. I'm an idiot!
01:42:15What... Tell me what to do!
01:42:18I don't know. I don't know.
01:42:20Ben, I love you. What can I tell you?
01:42:24Just tell me what to do.
01:42:29Stone, you settling in okay?
01:42:31Best job I ever had. Like to hear it.
01:43:41Allison, thank you for coming in.
01:43:43I don't want to shock you but we know what's under that jacket.
01:43:50You're pregnant, have been for a while.
01:43:52From my count, you're right around eight months.
01:43:55And I don't know why you felt you couldn't tell us.
01:43:58I'm really sorry.
01:44:00This is Hollywood. We don't like liars.
01:44:03I just... I wasn't expecting this and...
01:44:06I didn't know how to handle it, and I didn't want to lose my job.
01:44:09- I'm really sorry. - It's unfortunate.
01:44:11It's unfortunate you didn't tell us because
01:44:15you would've found out that we thought it's great.
01:44:17- Really? - Yeah.
01:44:19So we did some research.
01:44:21And turns out, people like pregnant.
01:44:26Oh, my God!
01:44:27The bigger you are, the bigger your numbers.
01:44:30I was surprised 'cause I feel the opposite.
01:44:33We're gonna do a whole maternity month on E! Mommy.
01:44:41You're gonna interview all the pregnant celebs.
01:44:44- Really? - Yes.
01:44:46Scary!
01:44:47You're pregnant, they're pregnant, you can talk about being pregnant.
01:44:52It just grosses me out when I know that people are pregnant.
01:44:56'Cause I think about the birth. Everything's so wet.
01:44:59And everything that goes into it. None of the gross stuff.
01:45:01But you know, hopes, dreams, whatever, it's gonna be great.
01:45:06Oh, my God. This is such good news.
01:45:08- Thank you so much. - Yeah, you're welcome.
01:45:10And then, after the baby is out...
01:45:15- Tight. -...tighten it back up.
01:45:17- And please don't lie to us again. - Okay.
01:45:19'Cause maybe someday we could be friends.
01:45:22Okay. I won't. I'm sorry.
01:45:25- I just don't like secrets. - Okay.
01:45:29You know, it's a rare thing that you live to see the day
01:45:31your wildest dreams come true.
01:45:33I mean, what is there left to want? I get to go to Legoland.
01:45:37- Shut up, Pete. - Say it!
01:45:38Legoland! Legoland!
01:45:39Legoland!
01:45:41Don't get them all riled up before the drive.
01:45:43I shouldn't have given them all that meth, then.
01:45:45We'll be back on Sunday.
01:45:47Or Saturday. You never know. We might see it all in one day.
01:45:49Sunday. Let's go.
01:45:51Guess what? I'm scared there's no one to trust.
01:45:53You can trust me.
01:45:55You are gonna fuck me over, aren't you?
01:45:57Oh, for Christ's sake.
01:46:00You are.
01:46:01Are you retarded? Or just brain-dead from whiffing fumes out there in the swamp?
01:46:06- Ow, ow, ow. - That's what I am to you, isn't it? Swamp trash, just like my mom.
01:46:15Hello?
01:46:16Hey, what's up, Daddy? What are you doing?
01:46:19Just smoking a joint, drinking some beers, you know. Rocking.
01:46:24We're about to go to a new club. You coming?
01:46:25No. I'm gonna pack it in soon, I think.
01:46:28What's he doing?
01:46:30He says he's gonna call it a night.
01:46:31Dude, it's like 8:15, man.
01:46:33Yeah, I know. I'm just tired.
01:46:36- Is he depressed? - You depressed?
01:46:38No, I feel great. I like it.
01:46:40He says no.
01:46:42Ask him if he's gonna kill himself.
01:46:43You gonna kill yourself?
01:46:45No, I'm not. Okay? Thank you.
01:46:47Tell him not to jerk off with a noose around his neck.
01:46:49It's dangerous.
01:46:50You shouldn't jerk off with a noose around your neck...
01:46:52'cause it's dangerous.
01:46:53Okay. Very good.
01:46:54And tell him if he has to, tell him he needs a teammate or a spotter there.
01:46:58Right. And if you do, you should have a teammate or a spotter there.
01:47:02Great.
01:47:04He says your mom's already there.
01:47:06Uncool, man.
01:47:15Okay, okay.
01:47:17Okay.
01:47:19Hi, Dr. Howard?
01:47:20No, this is Dr. Angelo.
01:47:22How can I help you?
01:47:23I'm a patient of Dr. Howard's,
01:47:26and I'm going into labor and I need to speak with him.
01:47:28I actually don't know where he is tonight.
01:47:30But I've made myself available to his patients,
01:47:33and I'd be happy to help you.
01:47:35Can you help me find him? Can you give me his number?
01:47:37Oh, no. You know what? Actually, I'm under strict instructions
01:47:39not to give out his number, but I can help you through this.
01:47:42No, no. No, no, no.
01:47:43I want to speak to my own doctor. You really won't give me his number?
01:47:46Because this is my first baby, and he promised that
01:47:49he would be here for me
01:47:50and I need you to give me... Give me his number, okay?
01:47:52Dr. Howard's not available tonight.
01:47:54But everything's gonna be okay, I assure you.
01:47:57No, I don't want you to help me because I have no idea who you are!
01:48:01I want my own goddamn doctor! You make sure he calls me!
01:48:05Oh, shit. Okay.
01:48:09Oh, shit!
01:48:23Hello?
01:48:24Ben, it's me. Can you come? 'Cause the baby's coming.
01:48:26Can you come?
01:48:27Oh, God. Allison. I'm so happy you're calling.
01:48:31I have so many thing's I've been wanting to say to you.
01:48:33I wanna apologize for things. It's all I can think about.
01:48:36No, listen. Wait. Listen.
01:48:38I need you to come help me, okay? Because the baby's coming.
01:48:40So can you come help me?
01:48:41- Wait. The baby's coming right now? - Yes. Right now.
01:48:43Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait.
01:48:45Is it happening? It's happening now? Push. Push...
01:48:51Breathe like this... No, no, no, no.
01:48:52You need to come now because the contractions are happening,
01:48:55and they really hurt and the doctor isn't here, and I can't get hold of him.
01:48:59And he said he was gonna be here, right? You were there...
01:49:02when he said that.
01:49:02Okay, okay, I'll come right now.
01:49:04Nobody's here. I'm coming right now.
01:49:06...not anywhere, I can't reach them, please.
01:49:08Please, please hurry. I'll just... So should I...
01:49:09I'll meet you at the hospital, okay?
01:49:11No! Don't meet me at the hospital! No, no, I need you...
01:49:13to drive me. I can't drive.
01:49:14- I can't drive like this. - No? You can't drive? Okay.
01:49:16I'll get gas and then I'll pick you up.
01:49:18- You have to get gas? - I need to just get cash.
01:49:19No. Don't get cash. Just come.
01:49:21I need to get cash because my car's on empty, I won't...
01:49:23even make it there.
01:49:24No, just come right now. I'm not fucking around, okay?
01:49:28This is serious and I'm alone.
01:49:29It's the last thing you need to do is... Just get here!
01:49:33Look, if you keep yelling at me, I'm never gonna get there.
01:49:35You just need to calm down for two... Okay.
01:49:44Don't run out of gas. Don't run out of gas. Come on!
01:49:52Hello?
01:49:54Please be in there. Hello? Hello? Hello?
01:50:01Allison?
01:50:09Hello?
01:50:10Ben? Allison.
01:50:13What is this, like a water birth?
01:50:14- What are we doing? Should we go? Should I... I have the...
01:50:17Shh.
01:50:17Just relax, okay? Just be mellow, 'cause that's what this is all about.
01:50:22Because if it gets too stressful in here,
01:50:24then the baby is born into a stressful environment,
01:50:27and then he's wired for stress for the rest of his life. So just...
01:50:32Just be calm.
01:50:34Okay.
01:50:37Okay, let's relax. Okay.
01:50:41Do you want to talk about things?
01:50:42I feel really bad about, like, a lot of the shit I did.
01:50:45I can't believe I said some of that.
01:50:46That's all I think about in my head.
01:50:47I don't wanna talk about it.
01:50:49But maybe we could bring the baby into a reconciled...
01:50:51place so we can talk...
01:50:53No. I don't wanna go there.
01:50:55Don't go there. Okay? Help me stay relaxed.
01:50:58So, what should I do?
01:51:00You need to call Dr. Howard.
01:51:03Hello?
01:51:04Hello, yes, this is Ben Stone. I'm calling on behalf of Allison Scott.
01:51:09We need Dr. Howard. It's an emergency.
01:51:11Yeah. He's at San Francisco at bar mitzvah.
01:51:14He's at a bar mitzvah in San Francisco? Do you know when he gets back?
01:51:17In three days.
01:51:20Do you have his cell number, by any chance?
01:51:25Hey! Good news.
01:51:28I got his number right here. I'm gonna call him right now.
01:51:31Oh, great. Thank you so much. Oh, my God. I'm so glad you're here. Thank you.
01:51:35I'm glad I'm here, too. Thank you.
01:51:37I shouldn't have told you you were a fucking lunatic.
01:51:39I shouldn't have said that. I feel terrible about it and...
01:51:42No, it's okay. We're past it. We're past it.
01:51:45I'm sorry I told you to fuck your bong.
01:51:46It's okay. I didn't.
01:51:49Let's just drop it now. We're over it.
01:51:52I'm gonna call him right now. You're doing so great.
01:51:55Hello, it's Dr. Howard. I'm not here right now. Please leave a message.
01:51:59Hey, Doc Howard. Ben Stone calling.
01:52:03Guess what the fuck's up?
01:52:05Allison's going into labor and you are not fucking here.
01:52:08Now, where are you? You're at a fucking bar mitzvah in San Francisco,
01:52:11you motherfucking piece of shit!
01:52:13And you know what I'm gonna have to do now?
01:52:15I'm gonna have to kill you.
01:52:16I'm gonna have to pop a fucking cap in your ass.
01:52:19You're dead! You're Tupac!
01:52:20You are fucking Biggie, you piece of shit!
01:52:22I hope you fucking die
01:52:24or drop the fucking chair and kill that fucking kid!
01:52:27Hope your plane crashes. Peace, fucker!
01:52:36- Hey. - Hey.
01:52:38Did you talk to him?
01:52:39I didn't talk to him directly. I left him a very nice message, though.
01:52:43And... Okay.
01:52:46What I'm about to tell you isn't that bad.
01:52:49You should know that going in.
01:52:50We can get through this, and it's just a little hiccough,
01:52:53but everything will be fine. Okay?
01:52:55Do you trust me when I say everything will be fine?
01:52:57- I can deal with it. - Okay.
01:53:00So, Dr. Howard is at a bar mitzvah.
01:53:03A bar mitzvah?
01:53:05It's a Jewish rite of passage.
01:53:07And he's gonna be there for the next three days,
01:53:10so he will not be able to be here tonight.
01:53:14Oh, no.
01:53:17It's okay.
01:53:20What do you think we should do?
01:53:21Okay. I know exactly what to do.
01:53:22All we do is we'll get in the car, I'll drive to the hospital,
01:53:25and on the way, we will call every gynecologist we've met.
01:53:28Someone will be available. You know?
01:53:31- Okay. I can do that. - Okay. Good.
01:53:33I mean, we still have time. I mean, how far apart are your contractions?
01:53:36- I think, like, seven minutes. - Seven minutes!
01:53:38See? Not until four minutes is it really coming.
01:53:41And has your water broken, even?
01:53:42I don't know. I'm in the tub.
01:53:45That's a good point. Have you had your bloody show?
01:53:47What? What's that?
01:53:48It's, it's... I mean, it's a bloody mucusy discharge.
01:53:51But it only comes out right before the baby's gonna come,
01:53:53so if that hasn't happened, we have time.
01:53:55We can make it to the hospital. It's no problem.
01:53:58You read the baby books.
01:54:00Yeah. I did. I read three of them, actually.
01:54:04- Thank you. - You're welcome.
01:54:10Hey. Hey, you okay?
01:54:15Okay.
01:54:21Wait. Are we allowed to park here?
01:54:24It's okay. I stole this from Martin's grandma.
01:54:27- Oh, that was really sweet of you. - Thanks.
01:54:32Okay, here we go. Here we go.
01:54:35Okay. Inches away.
01:54:37- Okay. - We're close.
01:54:39Home stretch. Hello. This is Allison Scott.
01:54:44Dr. Kuni said he would let you know we were coming?
01:54:46- Oh, he did. We'll take good care of you. - Okay.
01:54:49- Samuel? - Yeah?
01:54:50This is Allison Scott. Please admit her into Room 307.
01:54:53Hi.
01:54:54Hey.
01:54:56You're our nurse?
01:54:57That's why I'm holding the clipboard.
01:55:01So, what else is up with you guys?
01:55:04I'm just joking. Let's have a baby, huh?
01:55:07Yeah.
01:55:10Jeez, I'm sorry it took me so long to find that vein.
01:55:13That little guy really didn't want me to find him.
01:55:17Is that the baby on that one right there?
01:55:19Yeah.
01:55:20So we can tell how the little guy or gal is doing.
01:55:22Okay.
01:55:24Hello, Allison. Ben. Interesting night.
01:55:28We really, really appreciate you coming, man.
01:55:30What else do I have to do, I mean, besides sleep? Totally kidding.
01:55:34What happened to your doctor?
01:55:35He's at a bar mitzvah in San Francisco.
01:55:37He didn't tell us, though.
01:55:39- Nice. - Yeah.
01:55:40Lucky for you, I don't have any Jewish friends.
01:55:44Dr. Kuni, I really wanna do this naturally. I don't wanna use drugs.
01:55:47Okay, let's just take a look and see what happens, okay?
01:55:51Foetal heart rate is good. Samuel, where are we?
01:55:53- Four centimeters. - Four centimeters what?
01:55:56- Dilated? - Dilated. That's right. Focus.
01:55:58Pay attention, okay? We're a team. Okay?
01:56:03I wanna get the fuck out of here.
01:56:04What?
01:56:06I just wanna get the fuck out of here.
01:56:07Okay. Just relax, man, just relax.
01:56:09Oh, man, I don't fucking like hospitals.
01:56:10I know, but, Jonah, this is beautiful.
01:56:13I just think you need to relax and embrace the beauty of...
01:56:17another life joining our gang.
01:56:18We're having a baby. We are having a baby.
01:56:21I'm not having shit besides a fucking panic attack.
01:56:24There's probably a fucking room back there full of dead bodies!
01:56:28You guys wanna be here when one rolls out
01:56:30and just fucking coughs malaria into our face?
01:56:34- Jesus. - Fucking shit.
01:56:37- Is that good? - Oh, yeah.
01:56:39Oh, yeah, get in there.
01:56:42I could do this all day.
01:56:43Cool.
01:56:46- What was that? - What the hell was that?
01:56:53What's happening?
01:56:55Well, boys and girls, what seems to be the problem?
01:56:58- Decels. - Oh, dear.
01:57:00Okay, Allison, I need you to turn on your back now, okay?
01:57:03The baby's heart rate is slowing. Okay?
01:57:05- It's gonna be okay. - Okay.
01:57:07- It's gonna be fine.'Is it gonna be fine? - It's gonna be fine. Okay?
01:57:10You'll feel a little bit of a push. You'll feel a little bit of...
01:57:14- Oh. - What are you doing?
01:57:16I'm turning the baby so I can take the pressure off the cord. Okay?
01:57:20Oh, my God.
01:57:23Okay, we're good.
01:57:24The heartbeat's stronger, but we're not out of the woods.
01:57:26We need to get things going now.
01:57:27I think the cord is wrapped around the neck.
01:57:30So I'm gonna give you some medicine, pop the bag and get things going, okay?
01:57:33I don't wanna leave the baby in there for long,
01:57:35and we can give you some medicine for the pain.
01:57:36No, no, no, no.
01:57:38I don't... I don't want the baby to be born all drugged out.
01:57:40It's not my birth plan.
01:57:42Now, things change. We don't have time to debate this.
01:57:44What? No. But no, I'm not comfortable with that. I'm not.
01:57:47No. Would you please just listen to her?
01:57:49Fine. Do what you want to do.
01:57:51- Whoa, whoa, whoa. What? - Should I leave?
01:57:53Do you want to be the doctor? Because I really don't need to be here.
01:57:56No. What we want is to take a second to talk about our options, okay?
01:57:59- That's all we want. - No. You mean you want to take a second
01:58:01to tell me how to do my job.
01:58:03My job is to get that baby out safely.
01:58:06Or I can go home. Just let me know. You be the doctor.
01:58:09Can we talk outside in the hall for a second?
01:58:12That woman is a control freak,
01:58:14and she needs to let go and let me do my job.
01:58:17Look, she's just having a hard time
01:58:18because her and our doctor had a very specific birth plan.
01:58:21And they wanted it to be a very special experience.
01:58:23If you want a special experience, go to a Jimmy Buffett concert.
01:58:26We have a new birth plan. Get the baby out safely.
01:58:30Look, man, will you help us out? I have no idea what I'm doing.
01:58:35You can be as big a dick to me as you want. Just be nice to her, man.
01:58:39That's all I ask. Just please be nice to her.
01:58:48Are you okay?
01:58:50I think so.
01:58:52I'm sorry. Let's start fresh.
01:58:54Thank you, man. Thanks.
01:58:55This is healthy. This is good. I think we're bonding.
01:59:06Allison, I apologize for being a little brash, but if you're okay with it,
01:59:12it's rather important we break the bag
01:59:14and give you some medicine to speed things up.
01:59:16Because once the bag is broken, I don't want there to be an infection.
01:59:20Whatever. Do what you have to do.
01:59:26Oh, my God. What a nightmare that guy is.
01:59:30I know, I know. Look, I talked to him.
01:59:32I think he'll be more cool now.
01:59:38I'm so sorry I broke up with you.
01:59:41You really don't need to be.
01:59:43And, you know, I knew you'd give me another shot.
01:59:47I figured it'd be a lot sooner than this, you know?
01:59:50I was just in such a panic from all of this.
01:59:54And watching Debbie and Pete together, it's...
01:59:58- And my ass got so fat. - No, no.
02:00:00It did.
02:00:02I just never, for one minute, thought that the guy who got me pregnant
02:00:05would actually be the right guy for me.
02:00:09- Me, either. - I guess he is.
02:00:10Yeah.
02:00:14All right, Martin, who am I?
02:00:19'People think I'm smart because
02:00:21I speak in a robot voice.'
02:00:24Stephen Hawking.
02:00:26'I fuck my nurse with my ever-expanding cock.'
02:00:33All right. Let's murderball.
02:00:35Come here! I'm gonna murderball you!
02:00:38- Stay down! - Jonah, you shithead!
02:00:41- Hi. - Hi.
02:00:42Hi.
02:00:43I can't believe I go out of town and this happens.
02:00:45- I know. - I'm sorry, but I'm not going anywhere.
02:00:48- Screw Legoland. - All right.
02:00:50Hey, how do you want this? You want this over the shoulder?
02:00:52You know, I can do whatever you want. I can get in there.
02:00:54Kind of Spike Lee angles.
02:00:56No, you can shoot the waiting room. That would be great.
02:00:59Yeah. Okay. Well, thank you. I've got it from here.
02:01:04Debbie.
02:01:06Can I talk to you in the hall for a second?
02:01:08Why?
02:01:11I'd like to be in there with Allison, without you.
02:01:15Okay.
02:01:17I understand how you feel but this isn't up to you.
02:01:21Look, Debbie, you are high off your ass if you think...
02:01:25you're coming into that room.
02:01:27If you take one step towards that door, I will tell security
02:01:30there's a crazy chick in a pink dress snatching up babies. Okay?
02:01:33So don't even try to come into that room. That's my room now.
02:01:37That little area with the Pepsi machine, that's your area.
02:01:40My room. Your area. Stay in your area. Stay out of my room.
02:01:45Back the fuck off.
02:01:57What are you doing here?
02:01:59He just kicked me out. He told me to leave.
02:02:04Oh.
02:02:06But I guess it's good, right?
02:02:09He said he's gonna take care of her.
02:02:11He really seems on his game.
02:02:14I think he's gonna be a good dad.
02:02:17I think I like him.
02:02:19Thank God.
02:02:23I wish I'd gotten that on tape.
02:02:27Go! Holy shit, almighty!
02:02:30Oh, shit, this really hurts!
02:02:32- I see we're well on our way. - Okay.
02:02:34I want the... I want the epidural. Okay?
02:02:36- Give me the epidural! - Give her the epidural, okay?
02:02:38- Give it to her now. - Okay, Allison.
02:02:40We're past the point of an epidural. Okay? The cervix is fully dilated.
02:02:44No, seriously, I want an epidural!
02:02:46I know there's time!
02:02:47- We can't give you the epidural. - Take the time! I...
02:02:49I'll make sure it doesn't come out! I'll stop pushing.
02:02:52We have time. Just do it, please!
02:02:53I'll stop. Please, please, please!
02:02:54I'm sorry. We have no time.
02:02:56We're gonna just have to do this the all-natural way, okay?
02:02:59The way you wanted to do it.
02:03:00- Okay? Ready? - Okay.
02:03:02Here comes another contraction, okay? I want you to push. Okay, ready?
02:03:08- Good, good, good. - I feel everything!
02:03:10Oh, my God! It's happening!
02:03:12Okay, maybe we can take it down just a little.
02:03:14I think you're gonna scare the other pregnant women.
02:03:16- Are you fucking kidding me? - Okay.
02:03:18Are you kidding me?
02:03:22Jesus.
02:03:24This is messed up. Something's wrong in there.
02:03:26- Yeah. - Oh, no, no.
02:03:28I mean, granted, gynecology's only a hobby of mine,
02:03:29but it sounds to me like she's crowning. Is that right, Deb?
02:03:32Yeah. That's what it sounds like for everyone.
02:03:33Everyone goes through this.
02:03:35No, I disagree with you. That sounds terrible.
02:03:41I'm gonna go sneak a peak, see if there's anything I can do.
02:03:48Okay! It's crowning! I'm seeing the head!
02:03:50Oh, God.
02:03:51- What does it look like, Ben? - Oh, God.
02:03:53- What? - You don't wanna see it.
02:03:55- No, I wanna see it! - It's beautiful. You don't want to, though.
02:03:57No, I want to see it! Oh, God! Oh, God!
02:04:00Okay, we're almost home! One, two...
02:04:03You okay in here? Jesus!
02:04:05- Get out! - Yeah, okay.
02:04:08Oh, no!
02:04:12You all right, buddy?
02:04:15It's okay.
02:04:18What did it look like?
02:04:20I shouldn't have gone in there.
02:04:21Don't go in there. Promise me you don't go in there.
02:04:24Me, go in there? That's the last fucking place I wanna go.
02:04:27Like I'm gonna go in there.
02:04:28Try getting a boner now.
02:04:30What's up, Deb?
02:04:31Hey.
02:04:35- Push. One, two, three. - Oh, God!
02:04:39You've passed the shoulders. One more big push.
02:04:44Good.
02:04:51I did it.
02:04:53- Okay. Oh, my God. It's out. - You did it. You did it.
02:04:56Oh, my God, you did it. Oh, my God.
02:05:01Oh, God.
02:05:05- I love you, Ben. - I love you so much, too.
02:05:08Oh, my God.
02:05:09- Congratulations, you two. Beautiful. - Thank you.
02:05:12- You did so great. You were amazing. - Thank you.
02:05:16Okay, pretty baby.
02:05:18You got out.
02:05:20You made it out. Welcome.
02:05:24You ever get so bored you just stare at your balls?
02:05:28I bet you do, late John Lennon.
02:05:33Here we are again.
02:05:34Who is that? Is that Ben's rabbi?
02:05:36Is he the one who cuts the penis?
02:05:40I think it's Matisyahu.
02:05:43Awesome.
02:05:44- You want out of the bet? - I want out of the bet.
02:05:46You know what you have to say. Just say it, man. I think now is the time.
02:05:51Jason, you're the master.
02:05:54- You heard it, right? - Yeah.
02:05:55All right. You're out of the bet. Yeah, now you're done.
02:05:58- Oh, my gosh. - Oh, God.
02:06:00Your face smells like an old man's balls.
02:06:02- Thank you. Thank you. - Oh, fucking hell.
02:06:06Hey.
02:06:12Oh, my God.
02:06:14Oh, hello.
02:06:16Oh, my goodness.
02:06:19She's beautiful.
02:06:24Hello.
02:06:25- Oh. I love you, Ben. - I love you, Debbie.
02:06:28- We're gonna have another baby. - Okay.
02:06:32Hello, baby.
02:06:34Gentlemen, it's a girl!
02:06:40- We got a daughter! - Mazel tov!
02:06:42- Congratulations, Daddy! - We got a beautiful little girl!
02:06:45- Let's meet her! She's awesome! - A beautiful little girl!
02:06:49And then your mommy said, 'Just do it, already,'
02:06:53which was very confusing to Daddy.
02:06:55So I listened to the most literal translation of that...
02:06:58and I just did it, already.
02:07:00What would you do?
02:07:02Don't tell Mommy,
02:07:03but it was the smartest thing I ever did, listening to her, 'cause now you're here.
02:07:08Isn't that nice? I think it is.
02:07:16Hi, you.
02:07:22I hope your apartment is big enough for the three of us.
02:07:24Oh, it definitely is.
02:07:26That's why I got one in East LA, the rent. It's huge!
02:07:29The only thing is we have to decide
02:07:30if we're gonna be Crips or Bloods before we get there.
02:07:33- Well, I look good in red. - I look good in blue.
02:07:35The fighting continues.
02:07:38We could just throw off everyone and become Latin Kings.
02:07:40Yeah.
02:07:41We both look good in gold.
02:07:43Yeah.
02:07:45Good choice.
02:07:46I would yell at you about driving so slow, except the baby's here.
02:07:50No, these guys can honk all they want. I ain't going faster than 12.
02:07:53It might take us around three hours to get home, though.

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