00:01:51Hey, I was doing some research for next year...
00:01:53...and I think I figured out which website I wanna subscribe to.
00:01:56- The Vag-tastic Voyage. - Which one is the Vag-tastic Voyage?
00:01:59The Vag-tastic Voyage is the one where...
00:02:01... they find random girls on the street, and they invite them into a van...
00:02:05...and then they bang them in the van.
00:02:07It's like 13 bucks a month...
00:02:08...and you get access to other sites.
00:02:10Like one's Latina, one's Asian, you know, there's one for fetishes... feet and pee-pee and shit and stuff like that.
00:02:17That's disgusting. You're like an animal.
00:02:19I'm... What? I'm disgusting? You're the weird one, man.
00:02:22Don't make me feel weird because I like porn.
00:02:24You're weird for not liking porn. I'm normal as shit.
00:02:27Peeing on people. That's normal?
00:02:29Evan, I'm not saying I'm gonna look at it.
00:02:31I'm just saying that it comes with the site, okay?
00:02:34I don't know what I'm gonna be into 10 years from now.
00:02:36I'm just sick of all the amateur stuff.
00:02:38I mean, like, if I'm paying top dollar, I want a little production value.
00:02:41Like some editing, transition, something. Some music.
00:02:44Yeah, well, I'm sorry the Coen brothers don't direct the porn that I watch.
00:02:48They're hard to get ahold of, okay?
00:02:50Plus your parents are gonna be looking at the bill, dipshit.
00:02:53Yeah, you're right. I probably should pick the one with the least dirty name.
00:03:00What about, like, Perfect Ten?
00:03:02Something like that, you know?
00:03:04Like Perfect Ten?
00:03:06Because that could be any number of things.
00:03:08They can't really get you for that. That could be, like, a bowling website.
00:03:12Yeah, but they don't really show dick going in, which is a huge concern.
00:03:16I didn't realize that.
00:03:17Plus, have you ever seen a vagina by itself?
00:03:21Not for me.
00:03:25- Thanks for taking him, Seth. - No... No problem, Jane.
00:03:28- How are you? - Good.
00:03:33- Don't touch that. - What are you...?
00:03:35- I'm not a piece of meat. - You two are funny.
00:03:38I can't imagine what you're gonna do without each other next year.
00:03:41Evan told me you didn't get into Dartmouth.
00:03:44I got into some schools, some pretty good ones. So I'll be fine.
00:03:48- You gonna miss each other? - No. Miss each other? No, thank you.
00:03:51I don't... I don't miss each other.
00:03:53I'm gonna cry myself to sleep every night.
00:03:55- Me too. - When I'm out partying.
00:03:57Go to school, boys.
00:03:59- Bye, Mom. - Bye, Jane.
00:04:03I am truly jealous you got to suck on those tits when you were a baby.
00:04:08Yeah, well, at least you got to suck on your dad's dick.
00:04:23Hey, Seth, you can't park in the faculty lot.
00:04:25Don't be such a vagine, man. I gotta get a Red Bull before class.
00:04:30You're being an idiot. You shouldn't have parked there.
00:04:33Fuck it. I'm about to graduate.
00:04:34They should be sucking on my ball sac.
00:04:38It's the least they could do for stealing three years of my life.
00:04:44- Oh, fuck me. - Look at those nipples.
00:04:48They're like little baby toes.
00:04:50It's not fair they get to flaunt that stuff...
00:04:52...and I have to hide every erection I get.
00:04:55You know what I do? I flip my boner up into my waistband.
00:04:57It hides it and it feels awesome.
00:05:00I almost blew a load into my bellybutton.
00:05:02I mean, just imagine if girls weren't weirded out by our boners...
00:05:06...and just, like, wanted to see them.
00:05:07I mean, that's the world I one day wanna live in.
00:05:11It's been two years since I've seen an actual human female nipple.
00:05:14Shauna? Shauna was two years ago now?
00:05:17Yeah, I guess so. But she was insanely hot.
00:05:20Exactly. She was too hot, okay? That's what sucks.
00:05:23How can that suck? I'd be psyched if I got with her.
00:05:26You got, like, two dozen handjobs.
00:05:28Yes, and three-quarters of a blowjob, but who's counting?
00:05:30Look, it was the peak of my ass-getting career...
00:05:33...and it happened way too early.
00:05:35- You're like Orson Welles. - Exactly!
00:05:37If I'd paced myself, I'd be having at least steady sex...
00:05:39...with a decent-looking girl.
00:05:41I honestly see now why Orson Welles ate his fat ass to death.
00:05:44You'll have sex in college, everyone does.
00:05:46But the point is to be good at sex by the time you get to college.
00:05:49You don't want girls thinking you suck dick at fucking pussy.
00:05:52I still think you have a chance with Jules.
00:05:55She got incredibly hot over last summer...
00:05:57...and she obviously hasn't realized it yet...
00:05:59...because she's still talking to you and flirting with you.
00:06:02Are you out of your mind? Look at Jules' dating record, okay?
00:06:05She dated Dan Remick, who's had a six-pack since, like, kindergarten.
00:06:08Jason Stone, who looks like fucking Zack Morris. And Matt Muir.
00:06:12Matt Muir. He's the sweetest guy ever.
00:06:15Have you ever stared into his eyes?
00:06:17It was like the first time I heard the Beatles.
00:06:20Why would she end her high school career with me?
00:06:23Becca dated Eric Rosecrantz for like two years.
00:06:25Yeah, but he's a fucking idiot. You're a step up from that dick-load.
00:06:28That's why you need to stop... Will you get this?
00:06:31That's why you need to stop being a pussy and nail her.
00:06:33You could bang her before you leave.
00:06:35And I'm not gonna dance around it, she looks like a good fucker.
00:06:38I'm tired of you talking about her like that, man.
00:06:41What, you can talk about her all day and if I say one thing, it's blasphemy?
00:06:45Well, I don't constantly insult her.
00:06:46I'm not trying to insult her.
00:06:48I'm just saying that she looks like a good fucker, okay?
00:06:51She looks like she can take a dick.
00:06:53Some women pride themselves on their dick-taking abilities.
00:06:55Dick-taking abilities? You think that's good to say about someone?
00:06:58The fucked-up thing is, I actually do, okay?
00:07:01If a woman tried to compliment me on my dick-giving abilities, I'd be psyched.
00:07:05Hey, yo, Seth.
00:07:09Did you hear I'm having a big grad party next Saturday?
00:07:14- No. - Yeah.
00:07:17- Oh, shit! - You're not coming.
00:07:20Tell your fucking faggot friend he can't come either.
00:07:28So Jesse wanted me to tell you...'re a fucking faggot and can't come to his party.
00:07:32You really bitched out back there, man.
00:07:34I bitched out?
00:07:36You bitched out, man, you fucking Judas.
00:07:39You fucking left me hanging.
00:07:40Did you want me to dive in front of his spit?
00:07:45Come on, guys, let's go!
00:08:03This is bullshit.
00:08:07If I equals the square root of negative one...
00:08:11...then I squared equals negative one. Okay?
00:08:17In other words, if you consider I as a constant... can then define the square roots of all the negative numbers.
00:08:23So I is an imaginary number. It doesn't really exist.
00:08:28If I equals the square root of negative one...
00:08:31...then I squared equals negative one.
00:08:33Is this making s...? Okay.
00:08:43- Okay, bye. - Evan!
00:08:44- Evan, hey. - Hey, Becca.
00:08:46- Hey, thank you for your pen. - Hey.
00:08:48No problem. No, no, don't worry. No worries. You keep it.
00:08:51You won't have to borrow one again because you'll have that one.
00:08:54- Thank you so much, that's... - You're welcome. Don't worry about it.
00:08:59So I was gonna ask you...
00:09:00...did you hear about Jesse's grad party next weekend?
00:09:03- It should be fun. - I heard. I... It's a maybe.
00:09:07- Really? - For me at the moment.
00:09:09- My R.S.V.P. - Just a maybe?
00:09:10So far.
00:09:11There's so much other fun shit that's gonna be happening...
00:09:14...that I can't really commit and, you know, hurt someone's feelings.
00:09:18Fun shit? But I never see you at parties or anything.
00:09:21That's because of all the other fun shit I'm off doing.
00:09:24I'd love to be at all of them, but...
00:09:26Why weren't you at Dimitri's on Saturday?
00:09:28There was so many things going on.
00:09:30I couldn't find a minute to make an appearance.
00:09:32- What did you do? - Saturday was a crazy night for me.
00:09:39I had some friends over, we had a few drinks.
00:09:41That's Vag-tastic!
00:09:43I hung out in my basement, the chill zone, where we chill-lax.
00:09:46Like "relax" and "chill" all at once.
00:09:50Seth's parents were throwing a party.
00:09:52We got to hang around adults, which was a nice change of pace.
00:09:55You converse, you talk to people and they have interesting stories.
00:09:58I talked to a man who claimed he had climbed five mountains in his life.
00:10:02Then we went to a nightclub, which was incredible. This big, fancy one.
00:10:06- Gonna look at tits right now! - I'm feeling crazy. I said that.
00:10:10- You got in? - We got right in.
00:10:11- Wanna do this, 'roid monkey? - Fuck you!
00:10:13Then we called it a night. We were all just really exhausted.
00:10:17What the fuck?!
00:10:19You would've loved it. It was an incredible, unbelievable night.
00:10:22That sounds like a lot of fun.
00:10:24You know, I'd love to go do something like that sometime.
00:10:27Who wouldn't? I mean, it was like... and Seth are always kind of cooking up these..., sort of, little, you know, events.
00:10:35I guess you guys are really gonna go crazy next year together.
00:10:38We were going to, but we got into different schools.
00:10:41Really? That sucks.
00:10:43Yeah, I mean, it's not too bad. I mean, it should be okay.
00:10:47Not too worried about it, really.
00:10:48Don't worry about it. I'm not worried at all.
00:10:52- All right, well, thank you for the pen. - Yeah. No problem.
00:10:56- Bye. - Bye.
00:10:59Bye, Evan.
00:11:11Mrs. Hayworth, I joined this class because I'd be cooking with a partner.
00:11:14But she's never here, and I don't get twice the grades for doing all the work.
00:11:18I didn't invent odd numbers, Seth.
00:11:20I know, but look at Evan, okay? Just look at him.
00:11:24Don't keep me waiting much longer. I'm getting impatient up here.
00:11:27You know what I'm talking about. Miroki, you're embarrassing me.
00:11:30I'm here in my unit, isolated and alone, eating my terrible-tasting food...
00:11:34...and I gotta look over at that.
00:11:35Looks like the most fun I've ever seen in my life.
00:11:38And it's B.S. Excuse my language. I'm just saying that I wash and dry.
00:11:41I'm like a single mother.
00:11:43We all know Home Ec is a joke, no offense.
00:11:45Everyone takes this class to get an A. It's bullshit, and I'm sorry.
00:11:48I'm not putting down your profession, but it's just the way I feel.
00:11:51I don't wanna sit here alone cooking this shitty food.
00:11:54No offense. And I just think that I don't ever need to cook tiramisu.
00:11:58When am I gonna need to cook tiramisu?
00:12:00Am I gonna be a chef? No.
00:12:02There's three weeks left in school. Give me a fucking break.
00:12:05I'm sorry for cursing.
00:12:08All right, Jules' partner isn't here today either.
00:12:11Pair up with her. Station four.
00:12:16All right. I'll give it another shot.
00:12:18I'll give Home Ec another shot.
00:12:29Hey, Jules. Your partner didn't come today?
00:12:32- That's kind of a personal question. - What?
00:12:35Nothing. It's my attempt at humor. I was just...
00:12:38Oh, like coming.
00:12:40Like "coming" coming.
00:12:44Wow, that was a little too far right there. The gesture.
00:12:47Yeah. It's pretty far. Shit, I do that...
00:12:50No, don't worry. I'm actually used to it.
00:12:53My older brother says, like, the nastiest shit.
00:12:55Like he called me "hymen" until I was 12.
00:12:58- That's sick. That's not even clever. - I know.
00:13:01I know.
00:13:02I would've gone with something at least mildly entertaining.
00:13:04You know, like... Like... Like "family Jules."
00:13:07Or like "nuts." Yeah, that's funny. That's a fucking funny joke.
00:13:12Fucking funny.
00:13:14- I can't believe that. - So, all right. We gotta...
00:13:18...mix it up.
00:13:54Yeah, Hayworth will notice this, if we cover it with chocolate.
00:13:59- The whole thing? - Just dump it on. I'm serious.
00:14:03- And now it looks professional. - That's really impressive.
00:14:06- It's beautifully done. - I think we're gonna get an A.
00:14:11So, what are you doing tonight?
00:14:14- Probably nothing. Why? - I don't know.
00:14:16My parents are gone so I'm having a party.
00:14:18I don't really know how many people are gonna be there...
00:14:21...but you could stop by if you wanted to.
00:14:24Yeah, I love parties.
00:14:28I just don't really ever see you at them.
00:14:31You know, it's a love-hate thing.
00:14:33So, like, you know, right now, I really love them, though.
00:14:37- Yeah. - Good shit, right, Miroki?
00:14:41Hey, Miroki, could we have a minute alone? Just... Thanks.
00:14:44Dude, Jules is having a fucking party.
00:14:49- Don't tell Fogell about the party. - Gangsters. What's up, guys?
00:14:52I was just walking down the hall and Nicola was right in front of me.
00:14:56She's wearing these tight white pants with this black G-string...
00:14:59...and you could see right through the pants. It was so sweet.
00:15:12It's 10:33.
00:15:20I told her what time it was.
00:15:22That's the coolest fucking story I've ever heard in my entire life.
00:15:25- Can I hear it again? You have time? - Yeah, yeah, Seth.
00:15:28I'll miss your knee-slappers when me and Evan are at Dartmouth.
00:15:31While you guys are at Dartmouth, I'll be at State...
00:15:33...where the girls are half as smart and twice as likely to fellash me.
00:15:36What are you guys doing tonight? Asshole.
00:15:39We got nothing. Nothing tonight, Fogell.
00:15:41No? Well, if nothing comes up, we can get shitfaced again, yeah?
00:15:44You're always calling me a pussy, but today you're wrong.
00:15:47At lunch, I'm going to the same place Mike Snider went... pick up my brand-new fake ID.
00:15:53Yeah. Fake ID. Fake ID. I'm tight.
00:15:57That's insane. Evan was like, "I heard about this party.
00:15:59We shouldn't tell Fogell." I was like, "No, we should tell Fogell."
00:16:03You could buy us booze now. It's awesome.
00:16:05Yeah, I'll... Sure, I'll buy the booze. Yeah, we're gonna get our drinks on.
00:16:09We're gonna party and get crunk and rock out, dude.
00:16:11If you're not in this class, leave this class.
00:16:14Fogell! Hi.
00:16:16Okay. Gotta go.
00:16:17Well done. Seriously. See you after class.
00:16:20You tell that idiot you're not rooming with him?
00:16:22Not yet. No.
00:16:23All right, well, you better. That guy's the fucking anti-poon.
00:16:26Seth, it's dishes time. What's the holdup?
00:16:28We're getting a fake ID, so...
00:16:30- It's not like a big deal. - Wow, that's cool.
00:16:33But you guys have, like, four more years to go... do you wanna get to work?
00:16:37Well, we got into different schools, so...
00:16:40So you're cutting the cord? What's gonna happen?
00:16:42Nothing. Jeez, what does everybody think is gonna happen?
00:16:45The world's gonna explode if we don't spend every second together?
00:16:48I mean, we're not dependent on each other, you know.
00:16:51We met when we were 8. We were fine before then.
00:16:53I was. I mean, it's like, we don't do everything together.
00:16:56No. All right, I gotta take a piss.
00:16:58My dick's not gonna shake itself. Come on, babe.
00:17:03- He's a crack-up. - I'm just gonna go.
00:17:08Well, at least we're getting a graduation party.
00:17:11Thank God, man.
00:17:12I'm excited.
00:17:14I would do terrible, disgusting things to hook up with Jules.
00:17:18- Unforgivable things. - I hear you, man.
00:17:20I'd give my middle nut to start dating Becca.
00:17:22Becca's a bitch.
00:17:25You know what? I'm seriously getting fucking sick of you...
00:17:27...talking about her like that, if we can be honest.
00:17:30- Me too. - Why do you hate her so much?
00:17:32You've never given me a reason. I think you like her.
00:17:35- Fuck no, man! I hate Becca. - Why, man?
00:17:38Fine, Evan. Here it comes.
00:17:41When I was a little kid, I kind of had this problem.
00:17:44And it's not even that big of a deal.
00:17:45Something like 8 percent of kids do it, but whatever. It's...
00:17:48For some reason, I don't know why, I would just kind of sit around all day...
00:17:57...and draw pictures of dicks.
00:18:02Draw pictures of dicks.
00:18:06Like a man dick?
00:18:08Yeah. Like a man dick.
00:18:13I'd sit there for hours, drawing dicks. I don't know what it was.
00:18:17I couldn't touch the pen to paper without drawing the shape of a penis.
00:18:21- That's fucked. - No shit, it's really fucked up.
00:18:23Here I am, this little kid...
00:18:25... and I can't stop drawing dicks to save my own life.
00:18:37All right. I mean, I don't see what this has to do with Becca.
00:18:40Just listen. Okay?
00:18:42Your precious little Becca sat next to me for all of fourth grade.
00:18:46And in the classroom is where I did the majority of my illustrations.
00:18:50I was very secretive about this whole dick operation I had going on.
00:18:54Even I thought I was fucking crazy.
00:18:56Imagine what everyone else would think.
00:18:57So I would stash all of my dick drawings...
00:19:00... in this Ghostbusters lunchbox that I had.
00:19:03So one day I'm finishing up this real big, veiny, triumphant bastard.
00:19:07All of a sudden...
00:19:13You hit Becca's foot with your dick?
00:19:15Yeah. I know.
00:19:33Oh, my God!
00:19:34She starts crying. She flips out. And she rats me out to the principal.
00:19:39He finds this Ghostbusters lunchbox dick treasure chest...
00:19:41... and he fucking flips out.
00:19:52He calls in my parents. Turns out this principal is some religious fanatic...
00:19:56... and he thinks I'm possessed by some dick devil.
00:19:58My parents make me see a therapist, and he's asking me dick questions.
00:20:02They made me stop eating foods shaped like dicks.
00:20:04No hot dogs, no Popsicles.
00:20:06You know how many foods are shaped like dicks? The best kinds.
00:20:11Well, I don't... That's really messed up.
00:20:15- Super gay. - All right, let's stop this madness.
00:20:18- Let's just go get some dessert. - I can't, I gotta go meet my counselor.
00:20:21I'm picking out my classes for next year.
00:20:24So I gotta sit and eat dessert alone, like I'm fucking Steven Glanzberg?
00:20:29I gue... Yeah, I mean, what do you want me to do?
00:20:33I don't know. Nothing. It's fine.
00:20:35- Just relax, man. I'll see you later. - That's fine. I'll be fine.
00:20:46Hey, pussy.
00:20:49Fuck off.
00:20:51Just the one. Just the one. Not both.
00:20:52- So I'll call Andy and Greg. - Okay.
00:20:54And I'll bring the '80s dance music.
00:20:57- Yeah, yeah. - Right on.
00:20:59Seth! Hi. There you are. We were just talking about you.
00:21:01- Here I am. - That's weird.
00:21:04So you're coming to my party tonight? Because it's fully on.
00:21:07Yeah, why? Should I not come? Because I could think of other shit...
00:21:10Oh, no. No. I want you to come, I just...
00:21:13You said something earlier about, like, a fake ID or something, right?
00:21:16Yeah, I'm gonna get one. For sure, for sure.
00:21:19I'm getting that for sure.
00:21:23Can you get us booze?
00:21:27Yeah. I can. I can get you guys alcohol.
00:21:29- Really? Seriously? - Yes, for sure.
00:21:31That would be awesome. Thank you.
00:21:33Because we were worried about that. That would be great.
00:21:36Plus, you know, you scratch our backs, we'll scratch yours.
00:21:38Well, Jules, the funny thing about my back... that it's located on my cock.
00:21:46So you do want alcohol? You want some or no?
00:21:48You do or you don't? You do want alcohol.
00:21:50- Yeah. - Either way.
00:21:52- Well... - Either way. Either way's fine.
00:21:54This is actually kind of a big favor.
00:21:56Because my parents left me like 100 bucks to feed myself for the week.
00:22:00But the house is full of food, so I just thought I'd spend it all...
00:22:03...on, you know, extra drinks for the party, so...
00:22:06That's really nice. I don't think I've ever done anything that nice.
00:22:10- It's cool? - Yeah.
00:22:12- Okay. Thank you. - Awesome.
00:22:13I mean, seriously, that's really... That's nice of you. Thank you.
00:22:16So should I just get a shitload of different shit?
00:22:21Well, you gotta get me some Kyle's Killer Lemonade.
00:22:23Kyle's Killer Lemonade. That's kind of gay, but I can get it for you.
00:22:27So... Okay, so then we will see you tonight.
00:22:30Go to the ball, guys.
00:22:32Evan. Get into the game.
00:22:34Kick it over to me.
00:22:36Seth! Get off the field!
00:22:39Get out of here. They're gonna make me run laps.
00:22:41Just fucking listen, okay?
00:22:42Jules and her stupid fucking friend asked me to buy her alcohol.
00:22:46But not just her, for her whole party. You know what that means?
00:22:49By some miracle, we were paired up and she actually thought of me.
00:22:53Thought of me enough to decide I was the guy she would trust...
00:22:56...with the whole fun-ness of her party. She wants to fuck me.
00:22:59She wants my dick in or around her mouth.
00:23:02Did you think that maybe she's using you to get her alcohol?
00:23:05- She doesn't want your dick. - Of course I thought of that.
00:23:07The first thing that came to my mind. Listen.
00:23:09My older brother always says the nastiest shit.
00:23:12Like he called me "hymen" until I was 12.
00:23:14Seth, I wanna blow you.
00:23:17She didn't say that. Come on.
00:23:18She didn't say the second part, the first...
00:23:20She's got an older brother. She could have asked him.
00:23:23She looked me in the eyes and said:
00:23:25"Seth, Mom is making a pubie salad. I need some Seth's Own dressing."
00:23:29She's D.T.F. She's down to fuck, man.
00:23:31P in vagi. She wants to fuck, man.
00:23:34Tonight is the night that fucking is an actual possibility.
00:23:37You sound like an idiot. You're not gonna sleep with her.
00:23:40No. Dude, I know I talk a lot of shit, okay?
00:23:43But she's gonna be at the party and she's gonna be drunk.
00:23:46She likes me at least a little. At the very least, I'll make out with her.
00:23:50Two weeks, handjob. Month, blowjob. Whatever.
00:23:52And then I make her my girlfriend.
00:23:54And I've got, like, two solid months of sex.
00:23:56By the time college rolls around...
00:23:58...l'll be like the Iron Chef of pounding vag.
00:24:00Can we talk about this later?
00:24:02What the fuck, Evan? We're down two points.
00:24:04Fucking calm down, Greg. It's soccer.
00:24:06- It's soccer. - Fuck you, man.
00:24:08Hey, Greg, why don't you go piss your pants again?
00:24:10- That was eight years ago, asshole. - People don't forget.
00:24:13Do you wanna hear the best part? Becca.
00:24:15You do the same thing with her.
00:24:17When you guys are shitfaced, you get with her.
00:24:19This is our last party as high school people.
00:24:22I've ignored my hatred for Becca in coming up with this plan.
00:24:25I'm flexing nuts. Just fucking come with me on this voyage...
00:24:28...and stop being a pussy for once...
00:24:30...and we can fucking fuck some girls already.
00:24:34- I should buy Becca alcohol? - Yeah, it'll be pimp.
00:24:36That way you know she'll be drunk. You know when girls say:
00:24:39"I was so shitfaced last night. I shouldn't have fucked that guy."
00:24:43We could be that mistake!
00:24:46Have you talked to Fogell?
00:24:48All right, you talk to Becca. I'll talk to that retard, Fogell.
00:24:51Don't worry.
00:24:52- Seth, get off the field! - Goal.
00:24:55- You're getting that! - No, I'm not!
00:25:01Hey, Becca. Hey, hold up.
00:25:03- Oh, hey. - Hey.
00:25:04Hi. Did you hear about the party tonight?
00:25:07Yeah. Yeah, I just heard. It sounds awesome.
00:25:09Yeah. Yeah, I'm going.
00:25:11- Really? - Yeah, I'm gonna go.
00:25:13That's why I came looking for you.
00:25:14Me and the guys are gonna go to a liquor store.
00:25:17And I just thought, you know...
00:25:18...if you needed someone to get you yours, I could do that.
00:25:21I could be that person.
00:25:25Yeah, no, that would be great.
00:25:26That would save me such a hassle, because I was gonna beg my sister.
00:25:30Could you get me, like, a bottle of Goldslick Vodka?
00:25:32Yeah. That's the one with the little golden flakes in it?
00:25:35- Yeah. The girly one. - That's classy.
00:25:38Well, I'll pay you back at the party.
00:25:40No, you won't. No, it's my treat, miss.
00:25:42- Really? - Yep. That's that.
00:25:43It's the first of many too, so get used to it, sister.
00:25:46Well, thank you.
00:25:49Yeah, no problem.
00:25:58- I'm sorry. It was an accident. - It's okay.
00:26:00I was gonna give you a nudge... A punch, the friend thing.
00:26:03I didn't mean...
00:26:04- Hey, Becca. - Hey.
00:26:06- Hey. - Gaby.
00:26:07- What's up, Evan? - Hey, Gaby.
00:26:08- We should get to class. - We're gonna go.
00:26:10- So I will see you tonight. - Okay.
00:26:12- Really, don't worry. - Okay. Sorry.
00:26:14- Bye. - Sorry.
00:26:29Where's that sack of shit, Fogell? He said he'd be here.
00:26:31I'm here with my thumb up my ass.
00:26:33I did it, dude. I even offered to pay for it.
00:26:35It was pimp. I feel like a pimp right now.
00:26:37- Like one of those pimps. - That is fucking pimp.
00:26:40- That's what I was afraid of. - Why didn't I think of that? Shit.
00:26:45Sh... We're screwed.
00:26:47- Okay? We're screwed. - Okay.
00:26:48This is what we get for trusting Fogell, okay?
00:26:51He pussied out. I know he pussied out.
00:26:54What are you making?
00:26:56I'm just drilling holes. The last two weeks. Fuck it.
00:27:00What do we tell the girls, we couldn't do the one thing...
00:27:03...we promised because we're dickless incompetents?
00:27:06Now we're never gonna bone because of that used tampon, Fogell.
00:27:09How'd he get into Dartmouth? I don't get it. He's got shit for brains.
00:27:13All right, how else can we get alcohol?
00:27:15- Yo, guys! What's up? - Fogell, where have you been, man?
00:27:18You almost gave me a goddamn heart attack.
00:27:20- Let me see it. Did you pussy out? - No, no, man. I got it.
00:27:23It's flawless. Check it.
00:27:27All right, that's good. It's hard to trace, I guess.
00:27:30Wait, you changed your name to McLovin?
00:27:34- Yeah. - McLovin?
00:27:37What kind of a stupid name is that? Are you an Irish R & B singer?
00:27:40They let you pick any name you want when you're there.
00:27:43And you landed on McLovin?
00:27:45Yeah, it was between that or Mohammad.
00:27:47Why the fuck would it be between that or Mohammad?
00:27:49Why not just pick a common name?
00:27:52Mohammad is the most common name on earth. Read a fucking book.
00:27:55Have you ever met anyone named Mohammad?
00:27:57Have you ever met anyone named McLovin?
00:27:59No, that's why you picked a dumb fucking name.
00:28:01- Fuck you. - Give me that.
00:28:03All right. You look like a future pedophile in this picture, number one.
00:28:06Number two, it doesn't even have a first name. It just says McLovin!
00:28:10What? One name?
00:28:11One name? Who are you, Seal?
00:28:14Fogell, this ID says you're 25 years old.
00:28:16Why wouldn't you just put 21, man?
00:28:18Seth, Seth, Seth. Listen up, ass-face.
00:28:20Every day, hundreds of kids go into the liquor store with their fake IDs...
00:28:24...and every single one says they're 21.
00:28:26How many 21 -year-olds are in this town?
00:28:28It's called fucking strategy.
00:28:29Let's stay calm, okay? Let's not lose our heads.
00:28:32It's a fine ID. It'll... It's gonna work. It's passable, okay?
00:28:35This isn't terrible. I mean, it's up to you, Fogell.
00:28:38This guy's gonna think, "Here's a kid with a fake ID"...
00:28:41...or "Here's McLovin, the 25-year-old Hawaiian organ donor."
00:28:45Okay? So, what's it gonna be?
00:28:48I am McLovin.
00:28:50No, you're not. No one's McLovin. McLovin's never existed...
00:28:53...because that's a made-up, dumb, fucking fairy-tale name, you fuck!
00:28:57Jeez, man. It'll work. Give it a chance.
00:28:59Did you move my...?
00:29:01Where is my car?
00:29:02Oh, my God, man.
00:29:04What did I say to you? I told you not to park here.
00:29:06Why would you park in the staff parking lot?
00:29:09Shut the fuck up, Fogell.
00:29:11I mean, because you're not staff.
00:29:13I know that, Fagell! I know that!
00:29:19Evan, let's go to your house.
00:29:22Wait, are you guys still picking me up from work?
00:29:26Can you answer me?
00:29:32Man, don't you have any non-infant clothes?
00:29:36- It'll be fine. - Yeah.
00:29:37Why don't you just wear what you wore to school?
00:29:39I can't do that. I can't let Jules see me in what I wore to school.
00:29:42It's completely unbecoming.
00:29:44No one's gotten a handjob in cargo shorts since Nam.
00:29:48I have to kill these guys. You don't negotiate with terrorists.
00:29:51Really? Yeah, that's what we should be talking about right now.
00:29:54Then why don't you go and get some of your own clothes?
00:29:56That's the dumbest thing ever.
00:29:58My parents will see that my car's been towed and I'll be grounded.
00:30:01These fucking terrorists multiply like bunnies.
00:30:04Where did I leave the M16?
00:30:05Do you have any bigger clothes or do you only shop at babyGap?
00:30:09Fuck me. I can't...
00:30:12That's fun. Why do they make that?
00:30:14If you can't even win, then why am I fucking playing?
00:30:17Do you wanna go see what my dad has?
00:30:43What the fuck?
00:30:48What the hell is that?
00:30:49It's a fucking vest, dumbass.
00:30:52- I'm trying to look older. - You look like Pinocchio.
00:30:54- It's just a vest. - They got a lot of booze in there.
00:30:57If we get it now, we can get to the party faster with Jules' shit.
00:31:00No way, man. I work there. They know I'm not 25.
00:31:02Nobody said anything about you, dick-mouth.
00:31:05You really fucked me on this one.
00:31:07So now I'm gonna steal the booze.
00:31:09Don't do this. I promise you I'll get the liquor later.
00:31:12Mike Snider's ID always works. So will mine, man.
00:31:14Mike Snider's ID doesn't have one fucking name on it! Okay?
00:31:18I thought you Dartmouth guys would be smart enough to understand that.
00:31:22Now Seth's gotta pick up all the pieces.
00:31:25He won't do it. Don't worry.
00:31:27I forgot to tell you, my mom said we can have the TV from the basement...
00:31:30Shut the fuck up, he's gonna hear you.
00:31:32Just be quiet. Wait until he goes away.
00:31:34You still haven't told him that we're rooming together?
00:31:37Fogell, shut the fuck up.
00:31:38And take off your vest. You look like Aladdin.
00:31:41Okay. You got it.
00:31:52Hope piggy can run.
00:32:10How old are you?
00:32:14You certainly are. That'll be 80 dollars.
00:32:19Thank you kindly. Will that do?
00:32:22Certainly will. Thank you, Seth.
00:32:24Hey, thank you.
00:32:37You dropped your purse, ma'am.
00:32:38Would you like some help?
00:32:40Well, that would be lovely, young man.
00:32:42Would you like me to buy you alcohol?
00:32:46That would be lovely.
00:32:48- Enjoy your remaining years. - I will.
00:32:51- Enjoy fucking Jules. - I will.
00:33:13Don't do it, kid.
00:33:18I never had a choice.
00:33:29You fucking killed her!
00:33:43Where's all the stolen liquor? Did you hide it up your butt?
00:33:46Piss off! I was gonna do it, but there was a security breach.
00:33:49You never would've done it.
00:33:50Let's go to a liquor store and watch your stupid ID get rejected.
00:33:54Wait, I'm gonna go put my vest back in my locker.
00:34:23All right. Here we are. This is it.
00:34:25- You ready? Yeah? - Yeah.
00:34:28- Here's the money and the list. - Change is yours. Keep the change.
00:34:31- Thank you. What's the list for? - The alcohol.
00:34:35We're gonna get alcohol for the whole party, okay?
00:34:38We put a lot of time into this list, so don't fuck it up.
00:34:41It's perfect.
00:34:42Ouzo, bourbon, spiced rum, Goldslick...
00:34:45Goldslick Vodka. That's for Becca. Don't forget that.
00:34:48Raspberry vodka, Scotch...
00:34:51And Kyle's Killer Lemonade. A six-pack.
00:34:53This is a lot. I don't know if I can get away with all this.
00:34:56What difference does it make?
00:34:57I don't know, man. I'm, like, really nervous.
00:35:01- Are you okay? - No, man. I should have wore the vest.
00:35:04- Calm down. - What the fuck are you doing?
00:35:07What if I go in and they turn me down, man?
00:35:09Then we're in the same place we're in now.
00:35:11- Who cares? - It's fucking humiliating!
00:35:13Everybody sees them kicking me out.
00:35:15What if they make me put the liquor back? I can't do that.
00:35:18This whole thing is bigger than you, Fogell!
00:35:21So grow a pair of nuts and fucking walk in there and buy the alcohol!
00:35:24What if I don't feel like it anymore, Seth? What?
00:35:27Then I'll fucking kill you, okay?
00:35:29I'll stab you through your fucking heart.
00:35:31No, you can do this, man. Come on.
00:35:33Killing me won't get you alcohol. I'm the one with the fake ID.
00:35:36Then I'll cut your dumb fucking face off...
00:35:38...throw it over mine and get your ID and buy it my fucking self!
00:35:41Oh, really? You don't have the technology or the steady hands... pull off a procedure like that, so ha!
00:35:49Fogell, just be cool, man. Get in and get out.
00:35:51You're the hero.
00:36:27Is there a problem here, sir?
00:36:29No. No problem whatsoever.
00:36:35Sir, did you do this? On the floor?
00:36:40And you should really clean this up.
00:36:42Someone could really hurt themselves.
00:36:46Fuck my life.
00:36:48We're so fucked. We're so fucked.
00:36:50This plan's been fucked since Jump Street.
00:36:52Okay, just calm down. Just calm down, all right?
00:36:55Hey, so did you bring a condom for tonight?
00:36:58You brought a condom with you?
00:37:00Yeah. I figured I might as well, you know?
00:37:02I brought a little bottle of spermicidal lube too.
00:37:07You laughed in my face when I said I'd be having sex tonight.
00:37:10That doesn't mean you shouldn't always be prepared.
00:37:13- You didn't even bring a condom? - No.
00:37:15No, Evan, that wasn't part of the plan.
00:37:17You did this without consulting with me.
00:37:19We've never discussed, like, any plan, but you keep saying we have a plan.
00:37:23I had, like, a general outline. You know?
00:37:26I was gonna go down on her for, like, several hours, okay?
00:37:29She would love that. She'd be smitten. She'd go out with that.
00:37:32Or I dry hump the shit out of her leg.
00:37:34Well, I just... I don't see the harm in bringing one little condom.
00:37:38And one little bottle of spermicidal lube?
00:37:40Yeah, one little bottle of spermicidal lube.
00:37:42- Evan, that's psycho shit, man. - No, it's not.
00:37:45That's, like, Charles Manson shit.
00:37:47What, do you think Becca's gonna be psyched that you brought lube?
00:37:51"Oh, Evan. Thank you for bringing that lube for my pussy.
00:37:54I never would've been able to handle your fucking 4-inch dick...
00:37:58...inside my pussy without that gigantic bottle of lube."
00:38:01- Okay, that's... That's enough. - Fuck.
00:38:03These girls are 18, they're not dried-up old ladies.
00:38:06- They're good to go. - Then I won't bring the lube.
00:38:08Don't make me feel like that. I thought it was cool.
00:38:11- This is a nice kind. - Let me see that for a second.
00:38:13- An impressive kind. - It is kind of cool.
00:38:16- That's cool. - Fucking dumbass. Lube?
00:38:17- That's funny. - You brought lube?
00:38:19You owe me 6 bucks because I'm not walking over to get it and it exploded.
00:38:24Hello, Mindy.
00:38:39I love that stuff. Been drinking it for years.
00:38:43You know, I heard they recently decided to add more hops to it.
00:38:53I'm gonna need to see some identification.
00:38:59Makes me feel young again. There you go.
00:39:04Oh, shit, it's Cary Hutchins.
00:39:09She had the biggest tits I've ever seen.
00:39:11I heard she got breast-reduction surgery.
00:39:13What? Making your tits smaller?
00:39:15That's like slapping God for giving you a gorgeous gift.
00:39:18She had back problems, man.
00:39:20And it's not just making them smaller. They completely reshape them.
00:39:23They make them more supple and symmetrical.
00:39:26I gotta catch a glimpse of these warlocks.
00:39:28Let's make a move.
00:39:31- She's going around the corner. - Come on!
00:39:39Okay. Your total is 96.59.
00:39:52I don't believe it!
00:39:54Are you okay, mister?
00:39:57What the shit was that?
00:40:01I don't believe it. I don't believe it.
00:40:05I don't believe it.
00:40:07I don't know, man. I think she looked better before.
00:40:09But now that she can jog comfortably, she's in the best shape she's ever...
00:40:16What is this? What's that?
00:40:21Oh, man.
00:40:27Holy shit, they busted Fogell.
00:40:30How did this happen, Evan? Fuck, man!
00:40:32His dad's gonna fucking kill him.
00:40:34Look, okay?
00:40:35He assaulted the customer, grabbed the cash and ran out.
00:40:40- How...? - How...? How...? How...?
00:40:42- Say when, height-wise. - I'm gonna start up here, tell me when.
00:40:45- I'll start on the bottom and... - When.
00:40:48Whatever 5'10" is, he was 5'10".
00:40:50Ethnically, I mean, did... What...?
00:40:54I mean, was he...? Was he like us, or...?
00:41:00A woman?
00:41:01- Female? - No.
00:41:02- Is that what you're asking? - No, no. Was he...?
00:41:05- Like... - What? What?
00:41:06- African? - Af... Af...
00:41:07- Was he African? - African.
00:41:09No. He was American, and he was like you.
00:41:11- He looked just like you. - He was Jewish. Okay, Jew.
00:41:15- It's an odd crime for a Jew. - They're pretty docile.
00:41:17Okay, so we have an African Jew wearing a hoodie.
00:41:21No, you don't. No. That's not what I said. Is that what you heard me say?
00:41:25I said he looked like you. Do you look like an African Jew?
00:41:28- No, I look like a cop. - Yeah.
00:41:32He was Caucasian.
00:41:34- Caucasian. - All right.
00:41:36- Okay. - Well, touché.
00:41:37Kind of looked like Eminem. Does that help you?
00:41:40- An M&M. - An M&M.
00:41:41- So he was circular...? - Marshall Mathers. Eminem?
00:41:44- The rapper, Eminem. - Did he look like this?
00:41:48- I'm an amateur. I kind of... - That looks like an M&M.
00:41:51Longer face? Bigger nose? Would you say his mouth was wider?
00:41:55Open? A gap?
00:41:57Is there another squad car in the area that could be of further assistance?
00:42:02I don't seem to be getting any.
00:42:04Okay, so just walk me through again what this guy did.
00:42:07He... He... He came in, he's wielding...
00:42:10He's wielding something. He hits this small gentleman in the slacks.
00:42:14And then he jumps over you, he feels you up, violates you.
00:42:18- I did not say that. - No, he doesn't.
00:42:20Look, I can't do this. I told you already, I have an exam tomorrow.
00:42:23Can you understand that? I have a goddamn veterinary exam!
00:42:28Goddamn it. This is bullshit.
00:42:30This is some bullshit. I got an exam tomorrow. Forget this.
00:42:33Well, apparently someone has an exam.
00:42:35How'd you know?
00:42:38You. You're the one that got punched?
00:42:40- Yeah. - Okay.
00:42:41First things first. What is your name?
00:42:48My name?
00:42:50It's M... McLov... McLovin.
00:42:58Now, what's your first name?
00:43:01- Your first name? - My first name?
00:43:04Technically I don't have a first name, so don't worry about my first name.
00:43:10But we're the police.
00:43:12We just wanna get the story straight.
00:43:16- Come on. - Fuck, man.
00:43:17- Come on! - He must be so afraid.
00:43:20I don't believe this bullshit. I can't believe this is happening!
00:43:23I didn't know you could get arrested for this shit. We need that liquor.
00:43:27- Are they gonna take him downtown? - Fuck Fogell.
00:43:29He got arrested, okay? We're on our own.
00:43:32We need a new way to get liq...
00:43:33Fuck! The money, man! Fuck! How much money can you get?
00:43:37Why are you talking about money? What about Fogell?
00:43:39That doesn't matter anymore. I lost a hundred dollars of Jules' money.
00:43:43Are we gonna bust him out of jail? Bake a cake with a fucking file in it?
00:43:47Fuck Fogell. We need a new way to get liquor, which is fucking impossible.
00:43:51All right, you need to calm down. We need to think for a second.
00:43:54- We need to think this out. - Fuck thinking, we need to act!
00:44:01- What the fuck happened? - Just... Just get up. Slowly.
00:44:04You all right? You okay?
00:44:07I am so sorry, man. I am so sorry.
00:44:10I didn't even effing see you at all, man. Are you okay?
00:44:14So it's just McLovin?
00:44:20- That's badass. - That is badass.
00:44:23- Really cool. - A badass name.
00:44:24- Lot of people with weird names. - Chingy. Shakira.
00:44:27Rafe. Pax.
00:44:29We arrested a man-lady who was legally named "Fuck."
00:44:32Think he was Vietnamese, it was with a P-H.
00:44:34But it's still shocking to see on a license.
00:44:36- Okay, and how old are you, McLovin? - Old enough.
00:44:41Old enough for what?
00:44:45To party.
00:44:51Can I see your ID?
00:44:54Yeah, I think I have it.
00:45:20- You're an organ donor. - What?
00:45:24I didn't wanna, but my wife insisted.
00:45:26I give him shit for it too. All the time.
00:45:28I say, "It's just like a woman. Even after you're dead...
00:45:31...they wanna tear your heart out." - They wanna tear your...
00:45:34- I say it weekly and it's still funny. - It still makes me laugh.
00:45:37- Really funny. - There you go.
00:45:39I'm sorry, guys. I don't really have any information.
00:45:42He just hit me, and I didn't see what he looked like.
00:45:45- I don't know if I can help you. - You in a hurry?
00:45:47Yeah, kind of had to catch that bus.
00:45:50- Where were you headed? - Near 13th and Granville.
00:45:54- We can take you there. - Get your information on the way.
00:45:57- Why waste 2 bucks? - We'll take you. No problem.
00:46:00Please don't report me, man. We can figure this out, right?
00:46:03Why the fuck wouldn't I report you? You just hit me.
00:46:08Because I'll do anything.
00:46:10Please, okay? Anything. Like, literally...
00:46:13...fucking anything.
00:46:15Name anything. Name it. Name it.
00:46:19All right, look. Hey, man. All right.
00:46:22Listen, you can trust me, okay?
00:46:24I'm gonna be totally honest with you.
00:46:29I have a warrant out for a totally nonviolent crime.
00:46:31Okay? There. Mercy Street, guys.
00:46:35I'll be honest with you for a second.
00:46:37You better get us a shitload of cash or a shitload of alcohol...
00:46:39...or you're going to fucking prison.
00:46:41What are you doing, man? You don't need to...
00:46:44No, let's not... Let's hang on a second here.
00:46:46- Cough it up. - Fine.
00:46:47Don't know if we should be doing anything official.
00:46:49We're working together. It's like Let's Make a Deal. Here we go.
00:46:53Seven bucks?
00:46:54Are you fucking serious? This isn't enough. What are you, a 6-year-old?
00:46:58- It's all I have, man. It's all I have. - You better think of something quickly.
00:47:02- My back! My back. Cops, my back. - No, no, no. Wait, don't do that.
00:47:06All right, listen. I can get you alcohol.
00:47:08I'm going over to this party right now, bro. Okay?
00:47:11It's got booze, it's got girls. Booze and girls equals...
00:47:15I don't know. Do you? I don't know. Do you?
00:47:17- I think you do. Do you? - Yes. That's a definite yes.
00:47:20Definite yes, then.
00:47:22- Give me one sec to talk to him. - Stay right here.
00:47:24Yeah, yeah. Do what you gotta do. Mix it over. I'll be over by the car.
00:47:28Just talk it out. Hey, I'm a nice guy.
00:47:31- Come on, it's great. - What are you thinking?
00:47:34- What are you doing? - What?
00:47:35I lost Jules' money, Fogell's dead to us now...
00:47:38...we don't have any choice. Let's go.
00:47:40I don't like this idea. This guy's fucking creepy, man. Look at him.
00:47:43What? He looks like a guy. That's what guys look like.
00:47:46- What is your problem? - You guys know a guy named Jimmy?
00:47:49You totally look like his brother.
00:47:51You totally look like his brother, man.
00:47:54You do.
00:47:57You promised Becca you'd get her alcohol.
00:47:59If you don't, she's gonna have a shitty night.
00:48:01That's all I'm saying. Come on.
00:48:04We bingo, bango, ready to go, go?
00:48:07- Good luck on your exam tomorrow. - Good luck on your exam.
00:48:09- You don't wanna ride the bus. - Buses smell like piss, generally.
00:48:12- You know why? - Why?
00:48:14People piss on them.
00:48:21You know, one of you bros could've come up and sat up with me.
00:48:26- We're fine back here. - Back's fine.
00:48:28Safe in the back seat.
00:48:34- Oh, my God. - What's up?
00:48:36- Hey, Jules. - Who is it? Who's on the phone?
00:48:39Seth. Hey, where are you?
00:48:41I'm in a cab right now, on the way to a liquor store.
00:48:44Good. I can't wait for you to get here.
00:48:46Well, I hope your friends are ready to get fucked up.
00:48:50I'm sure they will be.
00:48:52- Okay, I'll see you soon. - Peace.
00:48:55Oh, man! Dude, this is crazy.
00:48:57She called, she said, "I can't wait for you to get there."
00:49:00That sounds like she fully wants it, man! Oh, yeah!
00:49:03Who's gonna give it to her, huh, my man? You, that's who.
00:49:10You guys on MySpace, or...?
00:49:25Officers? I can answer those questions now if you want me to.
00:49:29We get the gist of it. You were buying beer, some guys punched you.
00:49:33Don't worry about it. We're not gonna find them.
00:49:35- Case closed. - But it was only...
00:49:49- But it was only one guy. - Only one guy? Shit.
00:49:53How am I supposed to find one guy?
00:49:55This job really isn't how, you know, shows like CSI make it out to be.
00:49:58When I first joined the force, I assumed there was semen on everything...
00:50:02...and there was some, like, huge semen database...
00:50:05...that had every bad guy's semen in it. There isn't. That doesn't exist.
00:50:08I often go to sleep and dream of waking up in a world where...
00:50:11...everything's covered in semen. - I mean, who doesn't?
00:50:14It'd be nice. Like that crime scene today.
00:50:16If the man had ejaculated and then punched you...
00:50:18...we'd have a shot at catching him.
00:50:20- No way. - Just punched in the face, no semen.
00:50:23- No semen. - Story of my life.
00:50:30Michaels here, he's six months in.
00:50:35He's young, but the Force is strong with this one.
00:50:38Learning you are, young padawan.
00:50:40Thank you very much.
00:50:43- That's Yoda. - Are you familiar with Yoda?
00:50:46From Attack of the Clones?
00:50:47We have a 245 at East 24 and Montgomery, Bailey's Bar and Grill.
00:50:52Car 98 on it.
00:50:54See, Michaels, you always take a call at a bar because...
00:50:57...better or worse, you get a beer out of it.
00:51:00Pretty sweet, huh?
00:51:01- True that. Amazing thinking. - Hey, McLovin.
00:51:04We got a situation at Bailey's, so we'll drop you off after, all right?
00:51:07Actually, I kind of have to be somewhere...
00:51:09- Sweet. Sit tight. - Set course for Bailey's, warp 10.
00:51:21Welcome to the Thunderdome.
00:51:26Hey, man, are you sure it's cool that we're here with you?
00:51:29Oh, definitely, man.
00:51:30I'm essentially best friends with the guy... a bunch of my buds are coming.
00:51:35We're gonna rock out with our cocks out. Just kidding.
00:51:38- We are gonna rock out. - Just go, just go.
00:51:41What's up? What's up? What's up?
00:51:44Hello, hello. Hey, guys.
00:52:04This is something a smart person wouldn't do.
00:52:06Look, just act cool and act casual, and try and look old.
00:52:09We'll get the booze and get the fuck out of here, okay?
00:52:16Hey, where the party at? Right.
00:52:18- You got those shots, bro? - It's coming.
00:52:22Come on, let's party.
00:52:24Come on. Do it up.
00:52:33We should grab one of these buckets and get out.
00:52:35You out of your mind? How are we gonna get a fucking bucket out?
00:52:38- Dude, what the fuck? - Hey, man.
00:52:40What the fuck do you think you're doing?
00:52:42- What are you...? What? Nothing. - You using my phone?
00:52:46- What do you think you're doing? - Hang up. Nothing.
00:52:49What... What... What's wrong, Mark?
00:52:51You weren't invited. Get the fuck out of here.
00:52:54- Come on, Mark. It's cool, man. - You using my fucking phone?
00:52:58You calling your fucking friends again?
00:53:00You calling your friends, your fantastic friends?
00:53:02No. I mean, yes. But I mean I'll...
00:53:04Come on, man, just relax. Mark, please.
00:53:07Get the fuck out of here. The fuck out of my house.
00:53:09Get the fuck out of my house.
00:53:11- This is my house. - Don't be such a dick, man!
00:53:14What the fuck?
00:53:16Mark! You really wanna do this, man?
00:53:18Here we go. We're really gonna do this?
00:53:22That's right, motherfucker.
00:53:25Come on, pussy. Get up, dude.
00:53:28Oh, shit. I'm sorry, bro. I'm sorry, bro. I'm sorry, bro.
00:53:31Tiger got out of the cage, man. All right? I'm sorry. Come on, Mark.
00:53:35Let's just chill. Everyone just chill out.
00:53:37Truce, man.
00:53:42Right in the nads!
00:53:47This is for your friends. Here, have another one.
00:53:50Shit. Oh, shit, oh, shit, oh, shit. Oh, my God. What do we do?
00:53:54- Come on. Come on. - Choose one.
00:53:57- We can slip out the back, man. - Come on. Let's hurry up and do this.
00:54:02Are you crazy, man? Wanna end up like that guy?
00:54:04Not me. I need my nuts, man, for a lot of things.
00:54:07- We need liquor. - You need it. I don't.
00:54:09I'm gonna tell Becca how I feel. Maybe she'll get with me.
00:54:12I'm not gonna get her drunk out of her mind.
00:54:14Oh, really? Then how come you never made a move, you pussy?
00:54:17Because I respect her, Seth. I'm not gonna put unfair pressure on her.
00:54:21I don't see a problem. Let's just do it.
00:54:23We're leaving, okay? You wanna get killed for liquor?
00:54:26No, but I would get killed for pussy, no questions asked.
00:54:29- Fuck this, man. - You're just gonna bail on me?
00:54:33- I'm going. - Fucking bitch.
00:54:36Move, people.
00:54:39- Thank you. - Oh, I love this place.
00:54:52What the hell is going on in there?
00:54:54If the bullets start flying, hit the deck.
00:54:56You pissed everywhere, you son of a bitch!
00:54:59Everywhere? You didn't see me pissing anywhere.
00:55:02I don't know what you're talking about.
00:55:04Take your nuts out of your shells!
00:55:06Michaels, I got your back.
00:55:08Why don't you show this rummy how we roll?
00:55:12Excuse me, sir. Stop what you are doing at once.
00:55:16- Blue guys! - Resisting. Resisting!
00:55:19- Slater! - Michaels!
00:55:22Everybody stay calm.
00:55:25- Everybody stay calm. - Get the fuck out of my way!
00:55:28Stay calm! Fuck!
00:55:31- Should I shoot him? - No, no, no!
00:55:33- No! - Stop him, McLovin!
00:55:35McLovin, stop him! Do it, do it, do it, do it!
00:55:43Please stop it, you fucking bum. What the fuck?
00:56:01McLovin! Nice!
00:56:04He just came at me. I took him down.
00:56:06- I'm buying you a beer, McLovin. - I'm buying you one too.
00:56:09Take note. That's how you take down a motherfucker.
00:56:12That's right.
00:56:13McLovin in the fucking house!
00:56:51Hey. You dance hot.
00:56:56Thank you.
00:57:14Okay, okay. Here we... Here we go.
00:57:18- Hello? - Evan, it's Becca.
00:57:20Oh, Becca. Hi.
00:57:22Hey. Hello. Hey. Becca.
00:57:27- Becca... - Evan, can you hear me?
00:57:28- Hello? What? - Can you hear...? Piece of shit!
00:57:31Guy sells me a piece of shit fucking phone.
00:57:33- Becca? - It's Becca.
00:57:35I get one bar everywhere I fucking go.
00:57:37- What is he saying? - Fucking asshole.
00:57:40- I think... - What happened?
00:57:42Son-of-a-fucking-bitch phone company.
00:57:44- What? It's rude. Hello? - Fuck. You suck.
00:57:47Bullshit phone. Piece of shit.
00:57:48I swear I'll bitchslap you so fucking hard.
00:57:51- What? - Bec...?
00:58:40This is fucking crazy.
00:58:51Hey. Look what fell out of the truck!
00:58:56You're full of shit.
00:58:58Yeah, I know.
00:59:00Dude. Dude. We're so gonna get fucked up.
00:59:05- All right. - Hey.
00:59:08What is that?
00:59:11I don't know. What?
00:59:13That fucking stain on your pants, idiot. What is that?
00:59:17- What are you talking about, man? - Dude.
00:59:20- Is that blood? - What the fuck is that?
00:59:23- Are you bleeding? - I'm not cut or anything.
00:59:25- Why would I be bleeding? - It's fucking blood, man.
00:59:29Were you dancing with some chick in there?
00:59:32- Yeah, so? - It's blood.
00:59:34- Dude, that's not funny. - It's blood, dude.
00:59:38But why would I be bleeding? Why the fuck would I be bl...?
00:59:42Dude, why would there be bl...?
00:59:46Oh, fuck. Oh, my God.
00:59:51Oh, shit. I'm gonna fucking throw up.
00:59:55Someone perioded on my fucking leg?
00:59:56- Oh, shit. - What the fuck do I do?
00:59:59I've never before seen that in my life!
01:00:01This is so disgusting.
01:00:03- Yes, it is. - I'm gonna go get Bill.
01:00:05- He's gotta check this shit out. - Fuck, yeah.
01:00:07No. Who's Bill? Don't tell Bill! Bill has nothing to do with this!
01:00:10Hey, calm down. Let me get a picture of that real quick.
01:00:13No, you can't have a picture!
01:00:14- Dude, stop! - Bill, Bill! Check it out!
01:00:16This kid's got period blood on his slacks.
01:00:18It's merlot. That's what you don't get.
01:00:20Hey, Pat! This jerk-off's got period blood on his pants!
01:00:23- Please stop. - God, man, let me see.
01:00:25Oh, my God, that's a fucking man-gina, man.
01:00:29- Do you need a tampon? I could... - Wait, wait. I have one! I have one!
01:00:33Yeah, right? I don't know.
01:00:35- I gotta wash this off. Is this the line? - What does it look like?
01:00:38Fuck me, right?
01:00:55"Yeah, I'm McLovin. I'd like to buy some..."
01:01:01- Rewind, rewind. - Rewind it. Yeah!
01:01:04So hot. Let's see it again.
01:01:09- Your legs lifted off the ground. - That is bona fide badass, man.
01:01:12You gotta keep that tape, McLovin. It is badass.
01:01:15- It really is. - Really?
01:01:16Well, don't you guys, like, need it for, like, evidence or...?
01:01:19The only thing that's evidence of is you can take a hit like a champ.
01:01:23Seriously. Take that.
01:01:24Are there any ladies we'd like to show this tape to?
01:01:30No. You don't wanna meet a chick in a bar, man. Seriously.
01:01:34That was a turning point in my life, when I realized that.
01:01:36You gotta go to other places. You gotta go to a spin class, a farmers' market...
01:01:41...pumpkin patch, given the time of year.
01:01:44Just somewhere social, non-threatening.
01:01:46- You know, something like that. - Yeah, I met the missus at paintball.
01:01:50Yeah, I shot her in the neck. And we just...
01:01:53And we just hit it off, you know.
01:01:55My first wife... Who is a whore, by the way.
01:01:59- Where do you think I met her?
01:02:00A bar. A bar.
01:02:03- It was this bar. - It was this bar.
01:02:05Yeah, it was this bar.
01:02:08Bought her a Binion's, complimented her on her tote bag...
01:02:12...and next thing I know, she's putting her mouth around the tip of my penis.
01:02:17You don't have to tell me that.
01:02:20- Right in there. - She opened up my world, sexually.
01:02:23On our wedding night, we had group sex.
01:02:25I wasn't involved in it.
01:02:27- But I could hear it through the wall. - I was.
01:02:30She was amazing. And then it was exactly 23 months later...
01:02:33...that I found out she was an actual whore.
01:02:35- We discovered her on the street. - Yeah.
01:02:37I'm sorry.
01:02:39She was bad. Fucking whoring bitch.
01:02:41- But you got a new wife now, so... - Yeah. Yeah.
01:02:45And she is wonderful.
01:02:47- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - You'll meet her.
01:02:50You know what? I bet I know your trick, McLovin.
01:02:52- You play the whole myst... - Calling all units.
01:02:54Just turn that off.
01:02:56Send backup! There's so much blood...
01:03:00I bet you play the whole mysterious-guy thing, right?
01:03:04Yeah, seriously. How's it going with the ladies?
01:03:08It's not the going with the ladies I care about...'s the coming.
01:03:16- I get it. - What is it? What is it?
01:03:20Like coming.
01:03:25- That's funny. That is really funny. - Oh, my God.
01:03:34All right, looks like we got a call. We can't pay for these.
01:03:3710-4. We'll be right there.
01:03:39- Speedy Gonzales, let's go. - We should get road beers.
01:03:42Hell, yeah, we should get some road beers.
01:03:44Can I have 13 beers to go, please?
01:03:46Please. God, my fucking leg.
01:04:34- I think it's him. - Is it him?
01:04:36- Hello? - Hey, Becca.
01:04:38Hi, I had a bad reception. So about your Goldslick...
01:04:42- Guys, shut up. - Hey, what's going on over there?
01:04:45It's nothing. It's just...
01:04:47I was just calling, you know, to see if you were coming...
01:04:50...because I thought maybe you were stuck at, like, a nightclub...
01:04:53...or a cocktail party or something.
01:04:56No, no, I'm gonna be there for sure. Full throttle.
01:05:00- Charlie's Angels 2. - Awesome.
01:05:03- I can't wait to see you. Evan? - Okay, bye.
01:05:06That was the first time I ever did coke. Off that bitch's nipple. That was so...
01:05:09- A little white sniff. - That was awesome.
01:05:11That was gorgeous.
01:05:13Hey, hey, hey. You guys, stay in this room, man.
01:05:16They're gonna kill that guy tonight. That chick's boyfriend is pissed.
01:05:19Yeah. He's a beast.
01:05:21I've been praying for a fight. I'm literally waking up and praying... see a fucking fight. - Hey, hey, hey.
01:05:29Who's that guy?
01:05:35- Hi. - Who is that guy?
01:05:36- Who's this guy? - Pleasure to see you fellas.
01:05:38Hi, everyone.
01:05:39- Who are you? - I'm nobody.
01:05:41No, no, no. I know you. I know you.
01:05:43He was at that party I was telling you about.
01:05:46- No, no. - Who is it?
01:05:47Remember? He's Jimmy's brother. The guy. The singer.
01:05:50- No. - He's the guy with the beautiful voice.
01:05:53- The fucking singer, Jimmy's brother! - That's not me, man.
01:05:56- Oh, my God. - Sing for us! Sing.
01:05:58"It's not me"? You fucking lying?
01:05:59No, I don't mean to accuse you guys of being ill-informed, but...
01:06:03My brother came from Scottsdale, Arizona to be here.
01:06:05You're not gonna sing for him?
01:06:07- Fucking bullshit. - Sing.
01:06:08- You're a fucking singer. - You sing good.
01:06:11- Sing it again. - Like a bird.
01:06:12- No, I know, I just... I want to. - You want a line of cocaine?
01:06:15- No way, man. - Yeah.
01:06:16Don't make this weird. Sing.
01:06:19- Sing it again. - Turbo.
01:06:25- Fuck! Over! - Okay, watch this.
01:06:28I'll get it right on the nose.
01:06:31You're gonna fuck it up. You're gonna fuck it up.
01:06:35I feel hammered. That doesn't make any sense.
01:06:38- You're a fucking pussy. - Okay, okay. Great, great.
01:06:40- Okay, McLovin, see if you can do it. - The kid's gonna nail it.
01:06:44Come on, McLovin. Do it, buddy. Come on, buddy!
01:06:47- Bring it! - 0.08, motherfuckers!
01:06:50- Man! - That's my boy!
01:06:53- Yes! - Beginner's luck. Beginner's luck.
01:06:56So, what's it like to have guns?
01:06:59It is awesome, McLovin.
01:07:02- I mean, it's mindbl... - It's great.
01:07:04I haven't had one for long, a few months, but I'll tell you...'s like having two cocks. - Yup.
01:07:08If one of your cocks could kill someone.
01:07:12- Can I hold one? - What?
01:07:15Can I hold one of your guns?
01:07:20- Yeah, sure. - Fine with me. Why not?
01:07:23Everyone should hold a gun at least a couple times.
01:07:25Yeah, there you go.
01:07:27- Have a blast. - "Have a blast."
01:07:30- That's funny. - I've never held one of these before.
01:07:34- Are they hard to shoot? - If you're Michaels, they are.
01:07:37- He can't shoot worth dick. - What?
01:07:39I can shoot. What are you...? Wait.
01:07:41- I can't shoot worth dick? - You cannot shoot.
01:07:43- I shot that cat last week. - It was already dead, man.
01:07:46- I still shot it. - That cat was dead.
01:07:47There's only one way to settle this, guys.
01:07:50- Shoot-off. - Shoot-off.
01:07:52- Shoot-off! - Shoot-off!
01:07:55There's a lot of reasons why I like you.
01:07:57I mean, you're handsome and you're a good friend.
01:07:59Dude, there he is. That's the guy. Hey, Mark, right there.
01:08:05Oh, you got a stain too.
01:08:08- We're blood brothers. - Shut the fuck up.
01:08:10You're in my house, you answer my questions.
01:08:13What were you doing dancing with Jacinda?
01:08:18I don't even dance. I just...
01:08:19I don't even dance ever, so... I've never even tried it.
01:08:22Then where the hell did this come from, asshole?
01:08:26Maybe you and I rubbed up against each other at some point.
01:08:29I don't remember. Maybe it was some ricochet scenario. I don't know.
01:08:32- How am I supposed to know? - Kick his ass, Mark.
01:08:34Shut the fuck up, Scarlett.
01:08:37Where do you get off dancing with my fiancée?
01:08:48To some girl.
01:09:02Talk about the hurting.
01:09:14- Shit. - All right.
01:09:38- Yo! Fight! - Move it!
01:09:40- Go, check this out! - Oh, fuck!
01:09:42And what the hell is this?
01:09:45- I don't fucking... It's detergent. - Yeah, what are you doing with it?
01:09:50I got fucking blood on my pants.
01:09:53Get down.
01:09:56What the fuck is this all about, man? Are you...?
01:10:00- Well, fuck me. - Fellas.
01:10:04Oh, shit, I've been tackled by little girls!
01:10:07You die! You're next!
01:10:11I should fucking kill you, you motherfucker!
01:10:16- Hold him, Jimmy's brother! Hold him! - What do you mean? No. No way!
01:10:20- You humiliated me! - I'm sorry!
01:10:22- You used my leg as a tampon! - I'm calling the cops.
01:10:26Evan! Come on! Move!
01:10:31Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck.
01:10:33Yeah. Fifth and Paysview. Hurry.
01:10:38Mark, I called the cops. You should hide your gun.
01:10:41You're a fucking pussy.
01:10:43Don't listen to him, officer.
01:10:44If you make this, we're no longer friends, Michaels.
01:10:47- You're a fucking pussy. - Cheating. You're cheating.
01:10:50- Fuck me. - Oh, suck on my nuts, Slater!
01:10:55All right, you... That was a lucky shot.
01:10:57- That was a lucky shot. - I rule.
01:11:00I got jizzed on. All right.
01:11:02- Can I shoot one? - Yeah, go nuts. Go nuts.
01:11:04Have a good time, man.
01:11:06Empty the clip. Empty the clip on it, man. Shit!
01:11:09The cops! Bail! Bail! Bail! Shotgun, shotgun! Damn it!
01:11:25- What a rush. - What do you guys wanna do?
01:11:28- Man, let's get drunk! - Let's get more fucked up!
01:11:31You're fucking living the dream, Michaels!
01:11:33Oh, man.
01:11:34This is gonna be the best night ever.
01:11:36- Got a 257 at Fifth and Paysview. - Shit.
01:11:39All units in the area report to Fifth and Paysview.
01:11:41- Car 98, that's you. Do it. - Fuck.
01:11:44- Shit. - Shit.
01:11:46Car 98 on it. You dumb fucking whore.
01:11:49Hey, did she say we're gonna get to shoot somebody or something?
01:11:53Oh, God, I wish.
01:11:54It's probably some lame house party. We'll drop you off after. Cool?
01:11:58Yeah, man. Let's show these fuckers how we roll!
01:12:15- You fucking prick. - What?
01:12:21- You bailed on me. - I didn't bail on you.
01:12:25Yeah, you did.
01:12:28You said you were gonna do something and you didn't do it.
01:12:31That's bailing.
01:12:32You're the one that dragged me to that fucking party with those lunatics.
01:12:35- I didn't bail on you. - You bailed on me, okay?
01:12:41You bailed on me this morning when Jesse spat on me...
01:12:43...and you're bailing on me next year.
01:12:45What the fuck? It finally comes out. That's good, man.
01:12:48We were supposed to go to college together.
01:12:51Since we were kids, since elementary school...
01:12:53...that's all we've ever talked about, us going together.
01:12:55And you got into fucking Dartmouth.
01:12:57You're making me feel like I'm a bad guy.
01:12:59What...? I didn't do anything wrong. I got into a good school.
01:13:03How the fuck am I supposed to get into Dartmouth? You knew I couldn't.
01:13:07How fucking selfish are you?
01:13:08You had no problem letting Fogell take the fall.
01:13:10You don't want me going to a good school.
01:13:13- Fuck, man! - So, what the fuck do you want?
01:13:15I'm not gonna let you slow me down anymore, Seth.
01:13:21What are you saying?
01:13:22I've wasted the last three years sitting around talking bullshit with you.
01:13:26Instead of chasing girls and making friends...
01:13:28...l've just sat around wasting all my time with you.
01:13:32And now I'm going to college a fucking friendless virgin.
01:13:34Is this about Becca? This is about some girl, man?
01:13:38- I like her! - Who gives a fuck?
01:13:40She's some fucking girl! You gonna go out with her?
01:13:42- What about after that? - Fuck you, you're a piece of shit.
01:13:45Fuck you! And next time you're pissed off about something...
01:13:48...don't keep it inside for 10 years, say it like a fucking man!
01:13:51- Don't touch me. - Fuck you!
01:13:55Hey, McLovin, are the numbers on your side odd or even?
01:13:58- I don't know. It's too dark to see. - We got flashlights.
01:14:02Oh, that's true.
01:14:09Where the fuck are we?
01:14:12- Hey, Slater. - What's that?
01:14:19Now, young Michaels, you will die.
01:14:24All right. Come on, stop it. I can't fucking see. I can't see. Fuck it.
01:14:28- Like it? - Hey, fuck off, that hurts.
01:14:30- You stop first. - Not until you stop.
01:14:32- Stop it, asshole. - Hey, you stop.
01:14:35- Fuck you, Evan! - Don't fucking touch me.
01:14:49Why did you do that?
01:14:50- You shined the light in my face. - You did too.
01:14:52- I'm driving. - We were playing Lightsabers.
01:14:54- Excuse me. - Oh, my God.
01:14:57Are you guys gonna make sure he's okay?
01:15:02- Check on him. - You check.
01:15:04- You go out there and check on him. - Fuck that. You go.
01:15:08Balls. Okay, we'll both go out there and check on him.
01:15:13I can't believe this is happening again. What are the odds?
01:15:22- Is everyone okay? - Yeah, we're great, thanks.
01:15:26Hey, hey, where's the love?
01:15:31- He's okay. He's fine. - Stand right next to your friend.
01:15:36- Get over there. - I got them.
01:15:38You got these guys?
01:15:46You boys doing a bit of drinking tonight?
01:15:48- No, officer. Not at all. Not... We... - We found those.
01:15:52I don't believe you.
01:15:57Freeze. Stand right there.
01:15:59- We're telling the truth. - Keep it going.
01:16:02- Don't be a hero tonight, guys. - Wrong night for that.
01:16:04You gotta fucking take care of this.
01:16:06No. Look, I am not fixing your mistakes again, okay? Fuck that shit.
01:16:10I don't wanna get shitcanned. I like this job.
01:16:13Me too. I get free haircuts. I'm not taking the fall.
01:16:15Okay, okay!
01:16:18We're gonna arrest these two little dipshits, okay?
01:16:20And we're gonna pin it on them.
01:16:23Yeah, do what you have to do.
01:16:31Spread your shit!
01:16:32Get on the ground! Loaded gun, ready to go!
01:16:35Spread your shit! Pussies on the pavement, fellas.
01:16:38- Come on! - Please don't shoot, sir.
01:16:40"Please don't shoot." Shut up and spread your shit!
01:16:44I am the law! Okay?
01:16:48Now hold hands.
01:16:49- What? - Why?
01:16:50You don't want an asshole where your face used to be, Whaling Jennings.
01:16:54- Hold his fucking hand! - Fucking hold my hand.
01:16:57There. That's not so hard, is it?
01:16:59Here, McLovin, have a cigarette.
01:17:03Smoke up. Life's short, you know.
01:17:06Suck it in, my friend.
01:17:08Suck it long and deep.
01:17:11Enjoy it.
01:17:13McLovin, McLovin, McLovin.
01:17:17- You like Officer Slater and myself? - Yeah, you guys are awesome.
01:17:22Thanks. We really like you too, McLovin.
01:17:26So here's what's about to happen.
01:17:27We're gonna arrest these guys...'re gonna write a witness report saying they leapt in front of our car...
01:17:33...and there was nothing we could do. Sound cool?
01:17:36- Yeah, that's fine. - Good.
01:17:39That's good. Pretend he's your little sister.
01:17:42Your little sister with the...
01:17:55What the fuck?
01:18:19- Shit! - Shit!
01:18:25Run! Run!
01:18:28Hold on, I gotta get all the booze. Seth, wait up!
01:18:32McLovin bailed!
01:18:34Chase the kid!
01:19:05That was a fast kid.
01:19:10I want a ride! You hear me? You can't unarrest me!
01:19:21- McLovin! - Come on.
01:19:28McLovin! Why?
01:19:33McLovin, come back!
01:19:36My hand! Monster! Nicole! Nicole, get Daddy.
01:19:41- Get Daddy. - Get Daddy!
01:19:44- Oh, shit. - Get away from my kids!
01:19:50You sick sons of bitches!
01:19:55What the fuck?
01:20:02Michaels, are you okay?
01:20:05- It's just beer. - Give me a break.
01:20:07- It's just beer. - Man up.
01:20:09What happened? What, did you lose him?
01:20:11He's a freak. He's the fastest kid alive.
01:20:14- This is not good. - He's the fastest kid alive.
01:20:16Fastest kid alive, my ass. Come on. What are we gonna do?
01:20:20I'll shoot my gun in the air.
01:20:22Give me a fucking warning before you do it.
01:20:24I'll scare him out of wherever he's hiding.
01:20:26This isn't gonna do shit. Get in the car. Get in the car.
01:20:29This is your fault, you piece of...
01:20:31Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. They shot Seth.
01:20:34They fucking shot Seth, I know it.
01:20:37Holy shit.
01:20:38Holy shit. Holy shit.
01:20:41- Should I run? - Yes.
01:20:47- Fuck. Stop! - Stop the bus!
01:20:49- Stop it! - It's stopping.
01:20:51- It's stopping. - Oh, thank God.
01:20:56Hey, Evan, pay for me, please.
01:21:00That's me and him.
01:21:02Hey, hey. It's you.
01:21:08- You know this guy? - It's...
01:21:09Ain't got no cop people to help you keep your booze now, do you?
01:21:13Hey! Back the fuck up, man, or I'll beat the shit out of you.
01:21:17- Give me the booze. - Hey! Back the fuck up.
01:21:19Back the fuck up. Back the fuck up.
01:21:23Please, please, calm down, sir.
01:21:50Get off the bus or I'm calling the cops.
01:21:59Eat shit, bum.
01:22:01Oh, shit, guys. We're three blocks away, man.
01:22:04We made it. We made it with the booze and everything.
01:22:06We made it.
01:22:08Hold this.
01:22:10I can't believe you still have the liquor.
01:22:14It's awesome.
01:22:15Yeah, I told you the idea would work. I fooled those cops.
01:22:18I'm McLovin. I am McLovin.
01:22:23Why do you guys have detergent?
01:22:25I don't understand why you were smoking cigarettes with those cops.
01:22:28Because I fucking rule.
01:22:30- We are so gonna get laid tonight. - I am. I'm gonna get laid.
01:22:33We're finally gonna get our drinks on.
01:22:38I can't believe Becca's bottle broke.
01:22:40- I'm sure it'll be fine. - Yeah.
01:22:41I thought you didn't need it. You were gonna tell her how you feel.
01:22:44Good luck getting Jules drunk enough to have sex with you.
01:22:47- What's wrong with you guys? - Nothing.
01:22:49You two femmes can talk about it next year at your little slumber party.
01:22:53Oh, you told him.
01:22:54- Told me what? - Yeah. You're an idiot, Fogell.
01:22:57- Well, we gotta tell him now. - No, we...
01:22:59Well, he knows something's up.
01:23:01What are you guys talking about? Tell me now.
01:23:04Seth, me and Evan are rooming together next year.
01:23:06What's the big deal?
01:23:07"Oh, my God, Fogell's rooming with Evan."
01:23:09Jeez, why don't you go cry about it?
01:23:11- I didn't tell you because... - You're a backstabber...
01:23:14...and you lied to your best friend and you just don't care anymore?
01:23:17I didn't expect this from you, Evan.
01:23:20Not from you.
01:23:21Give me that booze, Fagell.
01:23:27We never should have had to hide our arrangement.
01:23:40- Seth's here. - Seth, you're here.
01:23:43Hi. Everybody, Seth has got it.
01:24:10- Evan. - Gaby, hey.
01:24:12Where have you been? You almost blew it.
01:24:14- What are you talking about? - Becca. She's been waiting.
01:24:17She's over there.
01:24:19She's way smashed.
01:24:20And she's been yammering about you all night.
01:24:23Really? What was she saying?
01:24:25She told you that she thinks I'm a good guy?
01:24:27No, no. She said something more like:
01:24:30"I will fully blow him tonight."
01:24:33- What? - I know.
01:24:39- Yeah. - But she's totally hammered...
01:24:41...and if I get with her and I'm not drunk, isn't that unethical?
01:24:45Not if you're drunk too.
01:24:48I guess not.
01:24:49To Seth.
01:24:51- To Seth! - All right.
01:24:53Who the fuck is Seth?
01:24:55I'm Seth!
01:24:58Let's do another one to me.
01:25:12Oh, boy.
01:25:14Calm down. Calm down, man.
01:25:16Calm down. She likes you.
01:25:19She wants to suck on your penis.
01:25:21It's a good thing.
01:25:23It's the best thing.
01:25:28Just down the hatch.
01:25:57Fogell. What's up?
01:26:46Evan, hey. Evie, come here.
01:26:48Can you please help me up?
01:26:50I fell down and none of these assholes will help me up.
01:26:54- Shit. - Becca.
01:26:57I have been waiting for you for, like, ever.
01:26:59- What took you so long? - I know, it...
01:27:01- Do you have my Goldslick? - No, I can't even...
01:27:04It's such a crazy story, okay?
01:27:06- I swear I was try... - It doesn't even matter.
01:27:09Look. Look what we... We can just drink this.
01:27:12- Here. You could have a drink. - Oh, no.
01:27:14- I'm already pretty wasted. - Take a drink.
01:27:16Okay, here's to you. This is to Becca.
01:27:19To Becca.
01:27:20- To the respecting... - Guys.
01:27:23- Women. To people respecting women.
01:27:26Okay. Yeah.
01:27:32You're a lightweight.
01:27:37You and me, we should go upstairs, because...
01:27:40Because I need to tell you something. Okay?
01:27:45You could just tell me here, I mean...
01:27:47I can't tell you, because it's a secret for you from me.
01:27:52- All right. - So come. Come on. Okay.
01:27:54- Bye, guys. - Bye.
01:27:56- Bye-bye. - Bye.
01:28:03You changed your name to McLovin?
01:28:08- That's so cool. - Thanks.
01:28:11So, like, what's Hawaii like?
01:28:16All right. I am back.
01:28:17I had to thank the peeps for coming out, you know.
01:28:20Jules. I want you to have a drink with me.
01:28:23Just drink some of this. You're gonna love it.
01:28:25You're to... I know you're gonna love it.
01:28:27- You know, I... - It's green beer. For your information.
01:28:31You know, I'm actually good right now. But thank you.
01:28:34And thank you very much for bringing everything, again.
01:28:37Seriously, it really made the night.
01:28:39No, that's how I roll. That's the thing.
01:28:42It's no problems. You'll learn that.
01:28:51I love talking and conversing with you.
01:28:56But I can't hear you, though, because the music is so loud.
01:28:59So do you wanna go outside and talk more?
01:29:05Yeah. Sorry, sure. You know, why not?
01:29:08Let's do it. I haven't conversed in ages.
01:29:10- Okay. Ladies... Ladies first. - Okay.
01:29:15- Thank you very much. - No problem.
01:29:17- Watch your step. I fell earlier today. - You serious?
01:29:19Well, I was hit by a car. It's a long story.
01:29:22- Oh, shit. Careful. - Okay, well...
01:29:27So loud. Don't let the parents hear.
01:29:31You look so pretty.
01:29:36- Are you okay? - I so flirt with you in math.
01:29:40Tell me about it. I... Samesies.
01:29:43I've wanted to tell you for so long that you're the best girl.
01:29:48I know. I've wanted to get with you, like, so hard.
01:29:55Like so hard.
01:30:03You're the best.
01:30:05We'll take this sweater off. I think so.
01:30:09Just be careful, because it's a meaningful sweater to me. It's vintage.
01:30:14- Bought it at that vintage market. - Just hurry.
01:30:18- And this one. - It's off.
01:30:20Hey, wait, careful.
01:30:24- Oh, shit. - Oh, my.
01:30:25Put that there.
01:30:27- Now, looky, looky... - Okay.
01:30:29...what I got for you under here. - Oh, my gosh.
01:30:31You are the prettiest girl...
01:30:33...this side of the Mississippi. - I have a little something...
01:30:36...for you under here.
01:30:40You look so pretty.
01:30:41- Look so pretty. - Under there.
01:30:47For you.
01:30:53You're the best. You're so unique.
01:30:58Come here.
01:31:00Evan, kiss me.
01:31:02I like you so much.
01:31:05Come on, McLovin.
01:31:07I've never been with an older guy before.
01:31:09Well, it's way better.
01:31:13I know, we made some kick-ass tiramisu earlier.
01:31:15It was deli... It looked weird. But it was delicious.
01:31:23What...? What's wrong?
01:31:27I... I would prefer if we would just do that... some other time.
01:31:35No. There is no other time. School is up.
01:31:38- What's wrong with right now? - Well, I mean, you're... You're drunk.
01:31:43- You're, like, really, really drunk. - So? You're drunk. You're drunk, Jules.
01:31:47Yeah, I'm actually... I'm not drunk at all.
01:31:50I don't even drink, so it's... I mean...
01:31:54Jules, you drink. You drink.
01:31:57Everybody... You... You had me get liquor, so you drink.
01:32:00It's like...
01:32:01Well, yeah, because I'm throwing a party, remember?
01:32:05Other people drink and so I just...
01:32:10You don't wanna, you know?
01:32:15Not right now.
01:32:18You know, not while you're drunk.
01:32:22But, you know, thank you.
01:32:29- Evan. Evan, I'm so wet. - Oh, yeah.
01:32:34They said that would happen in health, when I learned about it.
01:32:37- Yeah. - Yeah.
01:32:39- They taught me about... - Who's down there?
01:32:43Yeah, it's your hand.
01:32:49- Thank you, that's good. - You have such a smooth cock.
01:32:52Thank you. You would too if you were a man.
01:32:55But you got such a smooth chest.
01:32:57I am gonna give you...
01:33:00...the best blow-J ever...
01:33:05...with my mouth.
01:33:07Why don't we...? Why don't we just kiss a while?
01:33:10Why don't we keep kissing for a bit, instead of...?
01:33:15How badly do you wanna fuck me?
01:33:17Jesus Christ.
01:33:20Jesus, fuck.
01:33:21- Hang on one second. - What?
01:33:22Becca, I don't think you wanna do this.
01:33:24- You're really drunk. - No, I'm not. I am not drunk.
01:33:28- I see that you are. I think you are. - And I really... I want you inside me.
01:33:33I want you to be my first. I want you inside me.
01:33:35So just... Just go with it.
01:33:38- Let it happen. - I know, but...
01:33:40Becca, this is kind of intense.
01:33:42And I just... I'm so drunk. I can't even, like, process this.
01:33:47And you're really pretty.
01:33:49And I just think this isn't how I pictured it.
01:33:52I don't understand why you have to be such a little bitch about it.
01:33:57- Did you just call me a bitch? - Yes, a scared...
01:34:01See, I, like, I think we're not thinking clear...
01:34:03Holy shit. Oh, my God.
01:34:05- Go get Gaby. - I'll go get her.
01:34:07Oh, God. Oh, God. Go get Gaby, please.
01:34:26- I got a boner. - Good.
01:34:31- Do you have a condom? - Yes.
01:34:36And lube.
01:34:43Are...? Are you crying?
01:34:46No, I just have something in both my eyes.
01:34:49I don't cry. That's funny.
01:34:51You look... You look... It looks like you're crying.
01:34:57It was my last chance and I fucked it up and...
01:34:59Your last chance to do what?
01:35:01To make you my girlfriend for the summer.
01:35:05You're, like, the coolest person that's ever talked to me.
01:35:08I thought we'd both be drunk.
01:35:10What does me being drunk have anything to do with it?
01:35:12You'd never get with me if you were sober.
01:35:15Look at you.
01:35:18- Look at me. - Seth, come on, you didn't blow it.
01:35:22I think maybe...
01:35:25What the fuck?!
01:35:27Help me.
01:35:32I'm sorry.
01:35:34- Someone forgot to call pest control. - Yep.
01:35:37Where you going? Hey, party's still on.
01:35:39- Where are you going? - No.
01:35:40If you're back there, get out. Everyone, come on.
01:35:44- We will shoot you. - Party's over.
01:35:46- Evan. - Get the hell out of here.
01:35:47Keep your hands up.
01:35:55Life's bullshit, Miroki.
01:36:07Ev, wake the fuck up, man.
01:36:09We gotta go. Those fucking cops are here, man.
01:36:15"Oh, no, it's the cops." We have a complaint.
01:36:17- Evan, come on. - Get the hell out of here right now.
01:36:20Get out of here. She's not interested.
01:36:22- Drop the crantini and move it, sister. - See you, sugar tits.
01:36:25Guys, come on, move.
01:36:26Everybody out. Leave the booze and go.
01:36:30What the fuck, man?
01:36:32What the fuck, Seth?
01:36:33He's my best friend. Oh, shit.
01:36:36Oh, shit. Come on.
01:36:39I assume you all have guns and crack.
01:36:44Oh, my God, come on. Don't stop.
01:36:51Okay, everyone...
01:36:52...prepare to be fucked by the long dick of the law.
01:36:55Get out.
01:36:59Come on, go.
01:37:04Fuck off, Seth.
01:37:08Get a room.
01:37:10I'm gonna save you. I'm gonna save you, Evan.
01:37:17Fuck. Fuck, man, so heavy.
01:37:35It's in. Oh, my God, it's in.
01:37:38All right, everybody out. Come on, let's go.
01:37:41McLovin! What the fuck?
01:37:43- Officer Slater, is that you? - You ran away from us.
01:37:46Why did you run away? Michaels, get up here.
01:37:48- No. I didn't run away. - What the fuck?
01:37:50Why would you do that?
01:37:51- I was disoriented from... - Were you violating that girl?
01:37:54You just violated her with your penis? Michaels, look.
01:37:57- McLovin? - No, no, no.
01:38:01Holy shit. Were you just getting laid?
01:38:03No. Yeah, I was, but...
01:38:06- Yes, yes, he was. - It's not what you think, guys.
01:38:08- I'm not even... - Sit the fuck down. Stay down.
01:38:10- Calm down. - I thought we were friends...
01:38:12...and then you go running away.
01:38:14Contain yourself.
01:38:16- We're friends. - Shut up.
01:38:18- Calm down. Calm down, man. - Why? What?
01:38:20You just cock-blocked McLovin. Okay?
01:38:22He's our friend. We don't do that.
01:38:24We should be guiding his cock, not blocking it.
01:38:27Just relax, okay? Let's make this right.
01:38:39Wait, what are you...? What are you guys doing?
01:38:41No, please, I can't... I can't go to jail. Please, I can't go to jail.
01:38:44No, look. We're really sorry, McLovin.
01:38:48This has... This has gone on... This has gone way too far.
01:38:52What? What are you talking about?
01:38:55We know you're not 25, man. We're not idiots, McLovin.
01:38:59- Yeah. - Did you know the whole time?
01:39:02Look, when we were your age, we hated cops.
01:39:07When we saw you in the liquor store today, we just...
01:39:11I guess we saw a bit of ourselves, you know...
01:39:13...and we just wanted to show you that... know, cops can have a fun time too, you know?
01:39:21You know, in a way, I think we wanted to show ourselves.
01:39:28Also, I'm...
01:39:30I'm really sorry that I blocked your cock.
01:39:34- Apology accepted. - Seriously, man.
01:39:38That feels good.
01:39:40- It feels so good. - I missed you guys.
01:39:42I just wish we could make it up to you somehow, man.
01:39:45Well, do you think you can do me a really big favor?
01:39:47- What is it? Anything. - Name it.
01:39:50- This kid's fucking crazy. - Stay back for your own safety.
01:39:53Get off me, you fucking cops. Get your hands off.
01:39:55Do you know who I am? I'm Fogell.
01:39:59- The joint can't hold me. - Holy shit, Fogell's a badass.
01:40:02I'm gonna break your glasses, you fucking cop. You can't hold me.
01:40:06Fucking pigs.
01:40:12Oh, shit.
01:40:15Nice mullet, asshole.
01:40:18- You crazy. - This kid's crazy.
01:40:20He's nuts. Well, we caught the infamous Fogell.
01:40:23Get your hands... Wait for me, Nicola.
01:40:25Wait for me on the outside.
01:40:27We were gonna go to Hawaii.
01:40:30Man, that's gonna get you so much ass.
01:40:33- I know what to do about the car. - Sweet.
01:40:37Fucking go. Fucking throw up.
01:40:45Are you carrying me?
01:40:46No, I'm saving you from the cops.
01:40:49You saved me?
01:40:52Well, I don't know what you're talking about, but thanks.
01:40:55Can I... Should I just walk?
01:40:57- Should I walk? - Yeah, sure.
01:41:01- Okay. - Where do you wanna go?
01:41:06Sleepover at my house? You wanna come sleep...?
01:41:11- Okay. - Okay.
01:41:17Does your mom still have pizza bagels?
01:41:19Yeah. Lots.
01:41:21Pizza bagels.
01:41:31So by signing this, you are officially saying...
01:41:34...that as we stopped you from being mugged...
01:41:37...a crackhead stole our cruiser and did God knows what with it.
01:41:40- You cool to sign that? - Of course. I owe you guys my life.
01:41:42We owe you, Mc... Wait, what's your real name again?
01:41:45- Fogell. - Fuck that.
01:41:47- We're calling you McLovin. - McLovin.
01:41:49Let's do this dance, boys.
01:42:15- Oh, my God. - What did I tell you guys, right?
01:42:18That was crazy.
01:42:25All right.
01:42:27All right, now, guys, check this out.
01:42:29It's probably the greatest move in doughnut-spinning history.
01:42:32You paying attention?
01:42:33Behold, the upward-spiraling pigtail.
01:42:37- Why is it called that? - I don't know.
01:42:44Make the badge proud, Slater.
01:42:48He's not usually this drunk when he does this...
01:42:51...but I think that could make it more cool.
01:43:11Oh, no.
01:43:21- Slater! - Officer Slater.
01:43:26All right. Fucking crazy.
01:43:30Let's do this.
01:43:31- Hurry, hurry. Let's go. Go, go. - I'm going, I'm going, I'm going.
01:43:36- I'm out, I'm out. - Good, here we go, here we go.
01:43:38Yeah? Yeah, okay. Back up.
01:43:41Don't blow yourself up, asshole.
01:43:48Yes. Oh, my God.
01:43:52It worked. It worked.
01:43:55We won. We won.
01:44:07Can we shoot at it?
01:44:10I don't know. Can you?
01:44:32Break yourself, fool.
01:44:42Listen, and then she said she was gonna give me a blow-J.
01:44:45- I can't believe she said that to you. - Man, you have no idea.
01:44:49- What was she thinking? - You don't even know.
01:44:59I gotta tell you. I gotta tell you something, Evan.
01:45:05I was in your room, like, three weeks ago...
01:45:07...while you were taking a shit.
01:45:10And I saw your housing, like, forms.
01:45:15So I knew you and Fogell were gonna live together, you know.
01:45:20I'm sorry, man, I don't know.
01:45:24I should've told you. I don't know why I didn't.
01:45:28Don't... No, don't be sorry. I should be sorry.
01:45:31I was being a dick. I was being a big dick to you.
01:45:34No, I...
01:45:36Listen, Seth, I want you to know, I don't wanna live with Fogell.
01:45:40I never wanted to live with him. I just don't... I ha...
01:45:46I'm afraid to live with strangers.
01:45:50I can't.
01:45:52I can't do it.
01:45:55I know, I know.
01:45:59I can't believe you saved me.
01:46:04You saved me.
01:46:06I can't believe. I owe you so...
01:46:10You carried me. I love you.
01:46:15I love you, man.
01:46:19I love you.
01:46:22I love you. I'm not even embarrassed to say it. I just...
01:46:27I lo... I love you.
01:46:29- I'm not embarrassed. - I love you.
01:46:31I love you.
01:46:33Why don't we say that every day? Why can't we say it more often?
01:46:36I just love you. I just wanna go to the rooftops and scream:
01:46:38"I love my best friend, Evan."
01:46:40- We should go up on my roof. - For sure.
01:46:44Like, when you went away for Easter, on your vacation, I missed you.
01:46:50- I missed you too. - I want the world to know.
01:46:54It's... It's the most beautiful thing in the world.
01:47:02Come here. Come here, man.
01:47:16- I love you. - I love you.
01:47:32What the fuck?
01:47:41- What up? - Morning. Morning.
01:47:47I should get moving. I should get moving.
01:47:49I should be getting a move on, for sure.
01:47:52Yeah, you don't... I mean, you don't have to, you know.
01:47:55I don't really have anything going on.
01:47:58You don't have to rush off like that.
01:48:04You wanna hang out?
01:48:07I was gonna go to the mall.
01:48:09I have to get a new comforter.
01:48:13For college. The mall, they would sell that.
01:48:16Cool. So...
01:48:19...your mom's got huge tits.
01:48:24What do you think?
01:48:25I don't know, man. Don't ask me.
01:48:27Because I don't give a shit how pants look.
01:48:30Yeah, I need someone's opinion.
01:48:33Those are too tight. Those are way too tight.
01:48:36- Yeah, but, like... - Way too tight. You need to upgrade.
01:48:39There's not enough pants where there should be. More pants.
01:48:41Yeah, but... I mean, does it look weird?
01:48:44Looks like you're standing funny. You wouldn't stand like that. Like a duck.
01:48:48Yeah, but I'm doing like...
01:48:50- I'm doing the college poses like... - I don't know if you are.
01:48:53- You might just be doing... - Hey, prof.
01:48:55- Okay. - That test was...
01:48:58Hey, Susan. Are you gonna party tonight or no?
01:49:02Yeah, but that's just... It's like I wish there were more pants where...
01:49:06You know, where there aren't.
01:49:07But when I was wearing your dad's pants...
01:49:09...I realized that if I wear pants that are a little too small... might encourage me to lose weight.
01:49:14And also, chicks can kind of see, like... know, the borders and outline of my dick a little.
01:49:19Yeah, man, they go nuts for that. The male camel toe.
01:49:22Yeah, the camel tail. It's right...
01:49:25I know where it is, where it happens.
01:49:27Like, right there.
01:49:29It's like they're so tight that one ball is, like, above my dick, even.
01:49:33- Yeah, exactly. - It's like three.
01:49:35It's like a three thing. It's like ball, dick, ball.
01:49:38It's like a division sign.
01:49:39Like a bunch of people crammed into a van.
01:49:42- Making my ass look weird? - It makes a lot of stuff look weird.
01:49:46No, those are way too tight.
01:49:48You're right, these look stupid. Let's get the fuck out of here.
01:49:51I'm really sorry about that. I can't believe I actually did that.
01:49:55I feel bad that I'm making you buy me a new one.
01:49:57It's seems, like, ridiculous.
01:49:58- No. I have to, it's puke. It's gross. - Oh, my God.
01:50:03Do alcoholics get hangovers?
01:50:05Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit. It's them.
01:50:09- What the fuck do we do, man? - Don't stop. I don't know.
01:50:15- Hey. - Hey.
01:50:18How's it going?
01:50:22It's so good to... How are you feeling?
01:50:25I've felt better. But I'll be fine. How about you?
01:50:30I'm okay, you know, yeah. Did you have fun last night?
01:50:36You know, I actually don't remember much.
01:50:40I don't remember anything.
01:50:43- So weird. - Nothing.
01:50:46I didn't puke on you, did I?
01:50:49You didn't. I remember that you... I avoided it.
01:50:52It whizzed right by me, and I said, "Stay away from me," you know.
01:50:56I'm really sorry about everything last night, and I just...
01:51:04Thank you for being such a nice guy about it all.
01:51:07That's okay, you know.
01:51:09At least you don't have a black eye from it.
01:51:15- That looks terrible. - Yeah.
01:51:19You look great. You don't look terrible. It's just, like, a bad bruise.
01:51:24Everything's great, just from he... This, just like right there.
01:51:27- Your eye. - Yeah, your eye.
01:51:28Everything else is great.
01:51:30But seriously, I acted like a fucking idiot last night.
01:51:37You don't deserve that. So I'm sorry.
01:51:42On the upside, I think you look cool with a black eye.
01:51:46I'm just gonna throw that out there. I don't... I don't know.
01:51:49Well, thank you, smart guy. Thanks. That's actually why I'm here.
01:51:54Because I have to get a ton of cover-up for the grad photo.
01:51:57Oh, man. Fuck.
01:52:00And I'm gonna get Jules a new comforter.
01:52:02I have to get a comforter too. For college.
01:52:05- Oh, yeah? - Yeah, I just figured I would need one.
01:52:07So, Seth...
01:52:11So do you wanna come buy me cover-up or something?
01:52:15I mean, you kind of owe me.
01:52:18Yeah, definitely. I would love to do that.
01:52:22I had such bad acne last year...
01:52:24...that I pretty much became, like, an expert on the stuff.
01:52:28Well, you drove. Evan drove me here, though, so...
01:52:31Well, so... Well, I mean, I have my dad's car.
01:52:33So I could just give you a lift...
01:52:36...and then Evan could take Becca home.
01:52:38If that works. I don't know if it's in your route.
01:52:41It'd be fine with me.
01:52:42Fine, yeah. Maybe we can get some food.
01:52:46Yeah, I'd like that.
01:52:50So I guess I'll call you, then.
01:52:52Yeah, give me a call. Yeah, you have my number.
01:52:55I have your information. So put her there.
01:52:58Perfect. Good. All right, man.
01:53:01- Okay. - Okay, guys.
01:53:03- Becca. - Bye, guys.
01:53:04- Bye, have fun. - See you, Jules.
01:53:06Yeah, that's funny. Too funny.
01:53:09Where do you wanna go to eat?
01:53:13So can you honestly help me figure out what kind of cover-up to get?
01:58:24I love you.

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