|00:01:51||Hey, I was doing some research
for next year...|
|00:01:53||...and I think I figured out
which website I wanna subscribe to.|
|00:01:56||- The Vag-tastic Voyage.
- Which one is the Vag-tastic Voyage?|
|00:01:59||The Vag-tastic Voyage
is the one where...|
|00:02:01||... they find random girls on the street,
and they invite them into a van...|
|00:02:05||...and then they bang them
in the van.|
|00:02:07||It's like 13 bucks a month...|
|00:02:08||...and you get access
to other sites.|
|00:02:10||Like one's Latina, one's Asian,
you know, there's one for fetishes...|
|00:02:15||...like feet and pee-pee and shit
and stuff like that.|
You're like an animal.|
|00:02:19||I'm... What? I'm disgusting?
You're the weird one, man.|
|00:02:22||Don't make me feel weird
because I like porn.|
|00:02:24||You're weird for not liking porn.
I'm normal as shit.|
|00:02:27||Peeing on people. That's normal?|
|00:02:29||Evan, I'm not saying
I'm gonna look at it.|
|00:02:31||I'm just saying that
it comes with the site, okay?|
|00:02:34||I don't know what I'm gonna be into
10 years from now.|
|00:02:36||I'm just sick of all the amateur stuff.|
|00:02:38||I mean, like, if I'm paying top dollar,
I want a little production value.|
|00:02:41||Like some editing, transition,
something. Some music.|
|00:02:44||Yeah, well, I'm sorry the Coen brothers
don't direct the porn that I watch.|
|00:02:48||They're hard to get ahold of, okay?|
|00:02:50||Plus your parents are gonna be
looking at the bill, dipshit.|
|00:02:53||Yeah, you're right. I probably should
pick the one with the least dirty name.|
|00:03:00||What about, like, Perfect Ten?|
|00:03:02||Something like that, you know?|
|00:03:04||Like Perfect Ten?|
|00:03:06||Because that could be
any number of things.|
|00:03:08||They can't really get you for that.
That could be, like, a bowling website.|
|00:03:12||Yeah, but they don't really show dick
going in, which is a huge concern.|
|00:03:16||I didn't realize that.|
|00:03:17||Plus, have you ever seen
a vagina by itself?|
|00:03:21||Not for me.|
|00:03:25||- Thanks for taking him, Seth.
- No... No problem, Jane.|
|00:03:28||- How are you?
|00:03:33||- Don't touch that.
- What are you...?|
|00:03:35||- I'm not a piece of meat.
- You two are funny.|
|00:03:38||I can't imagine what you're gonna do
without each other next year.|
|00:03:41||Evan told me
you didn't get into Dartmouth.|
|00:03:44||I got into some schools, some
pretty good ones. So I'll be fine.|
|00:03:48||- You gonna miss each other?
- No. Miss each other? No, thank you.|
|00:03:51||I don't... I don't miss each other.|
|00:03:53||I'm gonna cry myself
to sleep every night.|
|00:03:55||- Me too.
- When I'm out partying.|
|00:03:57||Go to school, boys.|
|00:03:59||- Bye, Mom.
- Bye, Jane.|
|00:04:03||I am truly jealous you got to suck
on those tits when you were a baby.|
|00:04:08||Yeah, well, at least you got to
suck on your dad's dick.|
you can't park in the faculty lot.|
|00:04:25||Don't be such a vagine, man.
I gotta get a Red Bull before class.|
|00:04:30||You're being an idiot.
You shouldn't have parked there.|
|00:04:33||Fuck it. I'm about to graduate.|
|00:04:34||They should be sucking
on my ball sac.|
|00:04:38||It's the least they could do
for stealing three years of my life.|
|00:04:44||- Oh, fuck me.
- Look at those nipples.|
|00:04:48||They're like little baby toes.|
|00:04:50||It's not fair
they get to flaunt that stuff...|
|00:04:52||...and I have to hide
every erection I get.|
|00:04:55||You know what I do?
I flip my boner up into my waistband.|
|00:04:57||It hides it and it feels awesome.|
|00:05:00||I almost blew a load
into my bellybutton.|
|00:05:02||I mean, just imagine if girls weren't
weirded out by our boners...|
|00:05:06||...and just, like,
wanted to see them.|
|00:05:07||I mean, that's the world
I one day wanna live in.|
|00:05:11||It's been two years since I've seen
an actual human female nipple.|
Shauna was two years ago now?|
|00:05:17||Yeah, I guess so.
But she was insanely hot.|
|00:05:20||Exactly. She was too hot, okay?
That's what sucks.|
|00:05:23||How can that suck?
I'd be psyched if I got with her.|
|00:05:26||You got, like, two dozen handjobs.|
|00:05:28||Yes, and three-quarters of a blowjob,
but who's counting?|
|00:05:30||Look, it was the peak
of my ass-getting career...|
|00:05:33||...and it happened way too early.|
|00:05:35||- You're like Orson Welles.
|00:05:37||If I'd paced myself,
I'd be having at least steady sex...|
|00:05:39||...with a decent-looking girl.|
|00:05:41||I honestly see now why Orson Welles
ate his fat ass to death.|
|00:05:44||You'll have sex in college,
|00:05:46||But the point is to be good at sex
by the time you get to college.|
|00:05:49||You don't want girls thinking
you suck dick at fucking pussy.|
|00:05:52||I still think you have
a chance with Jules.|
|00:05:55||She got incredibly hot over
|00:05:57||...and she obviously
hasn't realized it yet...|
|00:05:59||...because she's still talking to you
and flirting with you.|
|00:06:02||Are you out of your mind?
Look at Jules' dating record, okay?|
|00:06:05||She dated Dan Remick, who's had
a six-pack since, like, kindergarten.|
|00:06:08||Jason Stone, who looks like
fucking Zack Morris. And Matt Muir.|
He's the sweetest guy ever.|
|00:06:15||Have you ever stared into his eyes?|
|00:06:17||It was like the first time
I heard the Beatles.|
|00:06:20||Why would she end
her high school career with me?|
|00:06:23||Becca dated Eric Rosecrantz
for like two years.|
|00:06:25||Yeah, but he's a fucking idiot.
You're a step up from that dick-load.|
|00:06:28||That's why you need to stop...
Will you get this?|
|00:06:31||That's why you need to stop
being a pussy and nail her.|
|00:06:33||You could bang her
before you leave.|
|00:06:35||And I'm not gonna dance around it,
she looks like a good fucker.|
|00:06:38||I'm tired of you talking
about her like that, man.|
|00:06:41||What, you can talk about her all day
and if I say one thing, it's blasphemy?|
|00:06:45||Well, I don't constantly insult her.|
|00:06:46||I'm not trying to insult her.|
|00:06:48||I'm just saying that
she looks like a good fucker, okay?|
|00:06:51||She looks like she can take a dick.|
|00:06:53||Some women pride themselves
on their dick-taking abilities.|
|00:06:55||Dick-taking abilities? You think
that's good to say about someone?|
|00:06:58||The fucked-up thing is,
I actually do, okay?|
|00:07:01||If a woman tried to compliment me on
my dick-giving abilities, I'd be psyched.|
|00:07:05||Hey, yo, Seth.|
|00:07:09||Did you hear I'm having
a big grad party next Saturday?|
|00:07:17||- Oh, shit!
- You're not coming.|
|00:07:20||Tell your fucking faggot friend
he can't come either.|
|00:07:28||So Jesse wanted me to tell you...|
|00:07:30||...you're a fucking faggot
and can't come to his party.|
|00:07:32||You really bitched out
back there, man.|
|00:07:34||I bitched out?|
|00:07:36||You bitched out, man,
you fucking Judas.|
|00:07:39||You fucking left me hanging.|
|00:07:40||Did you want me to dive
in front of his spit?|
|00:07:45||Come on, guys, let's go!|
|00:08:03||This is bullshit.|
|00:08:07||If I equals the square root
of negative one...|
|00:08:11||...then I squared equals
negative one. Okay?|
|00:08:17||In other words,
if you consider I as a constant...|
|00:08:19||...you can then define the square roots
of all the negative numbers.|
|00:08:23||So I is an imaginary number.
It doesn't really exist.|
|00:08:28||If I equals the square root
of negative one...|
|00:08:31||...then I squared equals
|00:08:33||Is this making s...? Okay.|
|00:08:43||- Okay, bye.
|00:08:44||- Evan, hey.
- Hey, Becca.|
|00:08:46||- Hey, thank you for your pen.
|00:08:48||No problem. No, no, don't worry.
No worries. You keep it.|
|00:08:51||You won't have to borrow one again
because you'll have that one.|
|00:08:54||- Thank you so much, that's...
- You're welcome. Don't worry about it.|
|00:08:59||So I was gonna ask you...|
|00:09:00||...did you hear about
Jesse's grad party next weekend?|
|00:09:03||- It should be fun.
- I heard. I... It's a maybe.|
- For me at the moment.|
|00:09:09||- My R.S.V.P.
- Just a maybe?|
|00:09:11||There's so much other fun shit
that's gonna be happening...|
|00:09:14||...that I can't really commit and,
you know, hurt someone's feelings.|
|00:09:18||Fun shit? But I never see you
at parties or anything.|
|00:09:21||That's because of
all the other fun shit I'm off doing.|
|00:09:24||I'd love to be at all of them, but...|
|00:09:26||Why weren't you
at Dimitri's on Saturday?|
|00:09:28||There was so many things
|00:09:30||I couldn't find a minute
to make an appearance.|
|00:09:32||- What did you do?
- Saturday was a crazy night for me.|
|00:09:39||I had some friends over,
we had a few drinks.|
|00:09:43||I hung out in my basement,
the chill zone, where we chill-lax.|
|00:09:46||Like "relax" and "chill"
all at once.|
were throwing a party.|
|00:09:52||We got to hang around adults,
which was a nice change of pace.|
|00:09:55||You converse, you talk to people
and they have interesting stories.|
|00:09:58||I talked to a man who claimed he had
climbed five mountains in his life.|
|00:10:02||Then we went to a nightclub, which
was incredible. This big, fancy one.|
|00:10:06||- Gonna look at tits right now!
- I'm feeling crazy. I said that.|
|00:10:10||- You got in?
- We got right in.|
|00:10:11||- Wanna do this, 'roid monkey?
- Fuck you!|
|00:10:13||Then we called it a night.
We were all just really exhausted.|
|00:10:17||What the fuck?!|
|00:10:19||You would've loved it. It was
an incredible, unbelievable night.|
|00:10:22||That sounds like a lot of fun.|
|00:10:24||You know, I'd love to go
do something like that sometime.|
|00:10:27||Who wouldn't? I mean, it was like...|
|00:10:29||...me and Seth are
always kind of cooking up these...|
|00:10:32||...fun, sort of,
little, you know, events.|
|00:10:35||I guess you guys are really
gonna go crazy next year together.|
|00:10:38||We were going to,
but we got into different schools.|
|00:10:41||Really? That sucks.|
|00:10:43||Yeah, I mean, it's not too bad.
I mean, it should be okay.|
|00:10:47||Not too worried about it, really.|
|00:10:48||Don't worry about it.
I'm not worried at all.|
|00:10:52||- All right, well, thank you for the pen.
- Yeah. No problem.|
|00:11:11||Mrs. Hayworth, I joined this class
because I'd be cooking with a partner.|
|00:11:14||But she's never here, and I don't get
twice the grades for doing all the work.|
|00:11:18||I didn't invent odd numbers, Seth.|
|00:11:20||I know, but look at Evan, okay?
Just look at him.|
|00:11:24||Don't keep me waiting much longer.
I'm getting impatient up here.|
|00:11:27||You know what I'm talking about.
Miroki, you're embarrassing me.|
|00:11:30||I'm here in my unit, isolated and alone,
eating my terrible-tasting food...|
|00:11:34||...and I gotta look over at that.|
|00:11:35||Looks like the most fun
I've ever seen in my life.|
|00:11:38||And it's B.S. Excuse my language.
I'm just saying that I wash and dry.|
|00:11:41||I'm like a single mother.|
|00:11:43||We all know Home Ec is a joke,
|00:11:45||Everyone takes this class to get an A.
It's bullshit, and I'm sorry.|
|00:11:48||I'm not putting down your profession,
but it's just the way I feel.|
|00:11:51||I don't wanna sit here alone
cooking this shitty food.|
|00:11:54||No offense. And I just think
that I don't ever need to cook tiramisu.|
|00:11:58||When am I gonna need
to cook tiramisu?|
|00:12:00||Am I gonna be a chef? No.|
|00:12:02||There's three weeks left in school.
Give me a fucking break.|
|00:12:05||I'm sorry for cursing.|
|00:12:08||All right, Jules' partner isn't here
|00:12:11||Pair up with her. Station four.|
|00:12:16||All right. I'll give it another shot.|
|00:12:18||I'll give Home Ec another shot.|
Your partner didn't come today?|
|00:12:32||- That's kind of a personal question.
|00:12:35||Nothing. It's my attempt at humor.
I was just...|
|00:12:38||Oh, like coming.|
|00:12:40||Like "coming" coming.|
|00:12:44||Wow, that was a little too far
right there. The gesture.|
|00:12:47||Yeah. It's pretty far.
Shit, I do that...|
|00:12:50||No, don't worry.
I'm actually used to it.|
|00:12:53||My older brother says, like,
the nastiest shit.|
|00:12:55||Like he called me "hymen"
until I was 12.|
|00:12:58||- That's sick. That's not even clever.
- I know.|
|00:13:02||I would've gone with something
at least mildly entertaining.|
|00:13:04||You know, like... Like...
Like "family Jules."|
|00:13:07||Or like "nuts." Yeah, that's funny.
That's a fucking funny joke.|
|00:13:14||- I can't believe that.
- So, all right. We gotta...|
|00:13:18||...mix it up.|
|00:13:54||Yeah, Hayworth will notice this,
if we cover it with chocolate.|
|00:13:59||- The whole thing?
- Just dump it on. I'm serious.|
|00:14:03||- And now it looks professional.
- That's really impressive.|
|00:14:06||- It's beautifully done.
- I think we're gonna get an A.|
|00:14:11||So, what are you doing tonight?|
|00:14:14||- Probably nothing. Why?
- I don't know.|
|00:14:16||My parents are gone
so I'm having a party.|
|00:14:18||I don't really know how many people
are gonna be there...|
|00:14:21||...but you could stop by
if you wanted to.|
|00:14:24||Yeah, I love parties.|
|00:14:28||I just don't really ever
see you at them.|
|00:14:31||You know, it's a love-hate thing.|
|00:14:33||So, like, you know, right now,
I really love them, though.|
- Good shit, right, Miroki?|
|00:14:41||Hey, Miroki, could we have
a minute alone? Just... Thanks.|
|00:14:44||Dude, Jules is having
a fucking party.|
|00:14:49||- Don't tell Fogell about the party.
- Gangsters. What's up, guys?|
|00:14:52||I was just walking down the hall
and Nicola was right in front of me.|
|00:14:56||She's wearing these tight white pants
with this black G-string...|
|00:14:59||...and you could see right
through the pants. It was so sweet.|
|00:15:20||I told her what time it was.|
|00:15:22||That's the coolest fucking story
I've ever heard in my entire life.|
|00:15:25||- Can I hear it again? You have time?
- Yeah, yeah, Seth.|
|00:15:28||I'll miss your knee-slappers
when me and Evan are at Dartmouth.|
|00:15:31||While you guys are at Dartmouth,
I'll be at State...|
|00:15:33||...where the girls are half as smart
and twice as likely to fellash me.|
|00:15:36||What are you guys doing tonight?
|00:15:39||We got nothing.
Nothing tonight, Fogell.|
|00:15:41||No? Well, if nothing comes up,
we can get shitfaced again, yeah?|
|00:15:44||You're always calling me a pussy,
but today you're wrong.|
|00:15:47||At lunch, I'm going to the same place
Mike Snider went...|
|00:15:50||...to pick up my brand-new fake ID.|
|00:15:53||Yeah. Fake ID. Fake ID. I'm tight.|
|00:15:57||That's insane. Evan was like,
"I heard about this party.|
|00:15:59||We shouldn't tell Fogell."
I was like, "No, we should tell Fogell."|
|00:16:03||You could buy us booze now.
|00:16:05||Yeah, I'll... Sure, I'll buy the booze.
Yeah, we're gonna get our drinks on.|
|00:16:09||We're gonna party
and get crunk and rock out, dude.|
|00:16:11||If you're not in this class,
leave this class.|
|00:16:16||Okay. Gotta go.|
|00:16:17||Well done. Seriously.
See you after class.|
|00:16:20||You tell that idiot
you're not rooming with him?|
|00:16:22||Not yet. No.|
|00:16:23||All right, well, you better.
That guy's the fucking anti-poon.|
|00:16:26||Seth, it's dishes time.
What's the holdup?|
|00:16:28||We're getting a fake ID, so...|
|00:16:30||- It's not like a big deal.
- Wow, that's cool.|
|00:16:33||But you guys have, like,
four more years to go...|
|00:16:36||...so do you wanna get to work?|
|00:16:37||Well, we got into
different schools, so...|
|00:16:40||So you're cutting the cord?
What's gonna happen?|
|00:16:42||Nothing. Jeez, what does
everybody think is gonna happen?|
|00:16:45||The world's gonna explode if we
don't spend every second together?|
|00:16:48||I mean, we're not dependent
on each other, you know.|
|00:16:51||We met when we were 8.
We were fine before then.|
|00:16:53||I was. I mean, it's like,
we don't do everything together.|
|00:16:56||No. All right, I gotta take a piss.|
|00:16:58||My dick's not gonna shake itself.
Come on, babe.|
|00:17:03||- He's a crack-up.
- I'm just gonna go.|
|00:17:08||Well, at least
we're getting a graduation party.|
|00:17:11||Thank God, man.|
|00:17:14||I would do terrible, disgusting things
to hook up with Jules.|
|00:17:18||- Unforgivable things.
- I hear you, man.|
|00:17:20||I'd give my middle nut
to start dating Becca.|
|00:17:22||Becca's a bitch.|
|00:17:25||You know what? I'm seriously
getting fucking sick of you...|
|00:17:27||...talking about her like that,
if we can be honest.|
|00:17:30||- Me too.
- Why do you hate her so much?|
|00:17:32||You've never given me a reason.
I think you like her.|
|00:17:35||- Fuck no, man! I hate Becca.
- Why, man?|
|00:17:38||Fine, Evan. Here it comes.|
|00:17:41||When I was a little kid,
I kind of had this problem.|
|00:17:44||And it's not even that big of a deal.|
|00:17:45||Something like 8 percent of kids
do it, but whatever. It's...|
|00:17:48||For some reason, I don't know why,
I would just kind of sit around all day...|
|00:17:57||...and draw pictures of dicks.|
|00:18:02||Draw pictures of dicks.|
|00:18:06||Like a man dick?|
|00:18:08||Yeah. Like a man dick.|
|00:18:13||I'd sit there for hours, drawing dicks.
I don't know what it was.|
|00:18:17||I couldn't touch the pen to paper
without drawing the shape of a penis.|
|00:18:21||- That's fucked.
- No shit, it's really fucked up.|
|00:18:23||Here I am, this little kid...|
|00:18:25||... and I can't stop drawing dicks
to save my own life.|
|00:18:37||All right. I mean, I don't see
what this has to do with Becca.|
|00:18:40||Just listen. Okay?|
|00:18:42||Your precious little Becca
sat next to me for all of fourth grade.|
|00:18:46||And in the classroom is where
I did the majority of my illustrations.|
|00:18:50||I was very secretive about this
whole dick operation I had going on.|
|00:18:54||Even I thought I was fucking crazy.|
|00:18:56||Imagine what everyone else
|00:18:57||So I would stash
all of my dick drawings...|
|00:19:00||... in this Ghostbusters lunchbox
that I had.|
|00:19:03||So one day I'm finishing up this
real big, veiny, triumphant bastard.|
|00:19:07||All of a sudden...|
|00:19:13||You hit Becca's foot with your dick?|
|00:19:15||Yeah. I know.|
|00:19:33||Oh, my God!|
|00:19:34||She starts crying. She flips out.
And she rats me out to the principal.|
|00:19:39||He finds this Ghostbusters lunchbox
dick treasure chest...|
|00:19:41||... and he fucking flips out.|
|00:19:52||He calls in my parents. Turns out this
principal is some religious fanatic...|
|00:19:56||... and he thinks I'm possessed
by some dick devil.|
|00:19:58||My parents make me see a therapist,
and he's asking me dick questions.|
|00:20:02||They made me stop eating foods
shaped like dicks.|
|00:20:04||No hot dogs, no Popsicles.|
|00:20:06||You know how many foods are
shaped like dicks? The best kinds.|
|00:20:11||Well, I don't...
That's really messed up.|
|00:20:15||- Super gay.
- All right, let's stop this madness.|
|00:20:18||- Let's just go get some dessert.
- I can't, I gotta go meet my counselor.|
|00:20:21||I'm picking out my classes
for next year.|
|00:20:24||So I gotta sit and eat dessert alone,
like I'm fucking Steven Glanzberg?|
|00:20:29||I gue... Yeah, I mean,
what do you want me to do?|
|00:20:33||I don't know. Nothing. It's fine.|
|00:20:35||- Just relax, man. I'll see you later.
- That's fine. I'll be fine.|
|00:20:51||Just the one. Just the one. Not both.|
|00:20:52||- So I'll call Andy and Greg.
|00:20:54||And I'll bring the '80s dance music.|
|00:20:57||- Yeah, yeah.
- Right on.|
|00:20:59||Seth! Hi. There you are.
We were just talking about you.|
|00:21:01||- Here I am.
- That's weird.|
|00:21:04||So you're coming to my party tonight?
Because it's fully on.|
|00:21:07||Yeah, why? Should I not come?
Because I could think of other shit...|
|00:21:10||Oh, no. No.
I want you to come, I just...|
|00:21:13||You said something earlier about,
like, a fake ID or something, right?|
|00:21:16||Yeah, I'm gonna get one.
For sure, for sure.|
|00:21:19||I'm getting that for sure.|
|00:21:23||Can you get us booze?|
|00:21:27||Yeah. I can.
I can get you guys alcohol.|
|00:21:29||- Really? Seriously?
- Yes, for sure.|
|00:21:31||That would be awesome.
|00:21:33||Because we were worried about that.
That would be great.|
|00:21:36||Plus, you know, you scratch
our backs, we'll scratch yours.|
|00:21:38||Well, Jules, the funny thing
about my back...|
|00:21:41||...is that it's located on my cock.|
|00:21:46||So you do want alcohol?
You want some or no?|
|00:21:48||You do or you don't?
You do want alcohol.|
- Either way.|
- Either way. Either way's fine.|
|00:21:54||This is actually kind of a big favor.|
|00:21:56||Because my parents left me like
100 bucks to feed myself for the week.|
|00:22:00||But the house is full of food,
so I just thought I'd spend it all...|
|00:22:03||...on, you know,
extra drinks for the party, so...|
|00:22:06||That's really nice. I don't think
I've ever done anything that nice.|
|00:22:10||- It's cool?
|00:22:12||- Okay. Thank you.
|00:22:13||I mean, seriously, that's really...
That's nice of you. Thank you.|
|00:22:16||So should I just get a shitload
of different shit?|
|00:22:21||Well, you gotta get me
some Kyle's Killer Lemonade.|
|00:22:23||Kyle's Killer Lemonade. That's kind of
gay, but I can get it for you.|
|00:22:27||So... Okay, so then
we will see you tonight.|
|00:22:30||Go to the ball, guys.|
|00:22:32||Evan. Get into the game.|
|00:22:34||Kick it over to me.|
|00:22:36||Seth! Get off the field!|
|00:22:39||Get out of here.
They're gonna make me run laps.|
|00:22:41||Just fucking listen, okay?|
|00:22:42||Jules and her stupid fucking friend
asked me to buy her alcohol.|
|00:22:46||But not just her, for her whole party.
You know what that means?|
|00:22:49||By some miracle, we were paired up
and she actually thought of me.|
|00:22:53||Thought of me enough to decide
I was the guy she would trust...|
|00:22:56||...with the whole fun-ness of her party.
She wants to fuck me.|
|00:22:59||She wants my dick
in or around her mouth.|
|00:23:02||Did you think that maybe
she's using you to get her alcohol?|
|00:23:05||- She doesn't want your dick.
- Of course I thought of that.|
|00:23:07||The first thing that came
to my mind. Listen.|
|00:23:09||My older brother always says
the nastiest shit.|
|00:23:12||Like he called me "hymen"
until I was 12.|
|00:23:14||Seth, I wanna blow you.|
|00:23:17||She didn't say that. Come on.|
|00:23:18||She didn't say the second part,
|00:23:20||She's got an older brother.
She could have asked him.|
|00:23:23||She looked me in the eyes and said:|
|00:23:25||"Seth, Mom is making a pubie salad.
I need some Seth's Own dressing."|
She's down to fuck, man.|
|00:23:31||P in vagi.
She wants to fuck, man.|
|00:23:34||Tonight is the night
that fucking is an actual possibility.|
|00:23:37||You sound like an idiot.
You're not gonna sleep with her.|
|00:23:40||No. Dude, I know
I talk a lot of shit, okay?|
|00:23:43||But she's gonna be at the party
and she's gonna be drunk.|
|00:23:46||She likes me at least a little.
At the very least, I'll make out with her.|
|00:23:50||Two weeks, handjob.
Month, blowjob. Whatever.|
|00:23:52||And then I make her my girlfriend.|
|00:23:54||And I've got, like,
two solid months of sex.|
|00:23:56||By the time college rolls around...|
|00:23:58||...l'll be like the Iron Chef
of pounding vag.|
|00:24:00||Can we talk about this later?|
|00:24:02||What the fuck, Evan?
We're down two points.|
|00:24:04||Fucking calm down, Greg.
|00:24:06||- It's soccer.
- Fuck you, man.|
|00:24:08||Hey, Greg, why don't you go
piss your pants again?|
|00:24:10||- That was eight years ago, asshole.
- People don't forget.|
|00:24:13||Do you wanna hear the best part?
|00:24:15||You do the same thing with her.|
|00:24:17||When you guys are shitfaced,
you get with her.|
|00:24:19||This is our last party
as high school people.|
|00:24:22||I've ignored my hatred for Becca
in coming up with this plan.|
|00:24:25||I'm flexing nuts. Just fucking
come with me on this voyage...|
|00:24:28||...and stop being a pussy
|00:24:30||...and we can fucking
fuck some girls already.|
|00:24:34||- I should buy Becca alcohol?
- Yeah, it'll be pimp.|
|00:24:36||That way you know she'll be drunk.
You know when girls say:|
|00:24:39||"I was so shitfaced last night.
I shouldn't have fucked that guy."|
|00:24:43||We could be that mistake!|
|00:24:46||Have you talked to Fogell?|
|00:24:48||All right, you talk to Becca.
I'll talk to that retard, Fogell.|
|00:24:52||- Seth, get off the field!
|00:24:55||- You're getting that!
- No, I'm not!|
|00:25:01||Hey, Becca. Hey, hold up.|
|00:25:03||- Oh, hey.
|00:25:04||Hi. Did you hear
about the party tonight?|
|00:25:07||Yeah. Yeah, I just heard.
It sounds awesome.|
|00:25:09||Yeah. Yeah, I'm going.|
- Yeah, I'm gonna go.|
|00:25:13||That's why I came looking for you.|
|00:25:14||Me and the guys are gonna
go to a liquor store.|
|00:25:17||And I just thought, you know...|
|00:25:18||...if you needed someone
to get you yours, I could do that.|
|00:25:21||I could be that person.|
|00:25:25||Yeah, no, that would be great.|
|00:25:26||That would save me such a hassle,
because I was gonna beg my sister.|
|00:25:30||Could you get me, like,
a bottle of Goldslick Vodka?|
|00:25:32||Yeah. That's the one
with the little golden flakes in it?|
|00:25:35||- Yeah. The girly one.
- That's classy.|
|00:25:38||Well, I'll pay you back at the party.|
|00:25:40||No, you won't.
No, it's my treat, miss.|
- Yep. That's that.|
|00:25:43||It's the first of many too,
so get used to it, sister.|
|00:25:46||Well, thank you.|
|00:25:49||Yeah, no problem.|
|00:25:58||- I'm sorry. It was an accident.
- It's okay.|
|00:26:00||I was gonna give you a nudge...
A punch, the friend thing.|
|00:26:03||I didn't mean...|
|00:26:04||- Hey, Becca.
|00:26:07||- What's up, Evan?
- Hey, Gaby.|
|00:26:08||- We should get to class.
- We're gonna go.|
|00:26:10||- So I will see you tonight.
|00:26:12||- Really, don't worry.
- Okay. Sorry.|
|00:26:29||Where's that sack of shit, Fogell?
He said he'd be here.|
|00:26:31||I'm here with my thumb up my ass.|
|00:26:33||I did it, dude.
I even offered to pay for it.|
|00:26:35||It was pimp.
I feel like a pimp right now.|
|00:26:37||- Like one of those pimps.
- That is fucking pimp.|
|00:26:40||- That's what I was afraid of.
- Why didn't I think of that? Shit.|
|00:26:45||Sh... We're screwed.|
|00:26:47||- Okay? We're screwed.
|00:26:48||This is what we get
for trusting Fogell, okay?|
|00:26:51||He pussied out.
I know he pussied out.|
|00:26:54||What are you making?|
|00:26:56||I'm just drilling holes.
The last two weeks. Fuck it.|
|00:27:00||What do we tell the girls,
we couldn't do the one thing...|
|00:27:03||...we promised because
we're dickless incompetents?|
|00:27:06||Now we're never gonna bone
because of that used tampon, Fogell.|
|00:27:09||How'd he get into Dartmouth?
I don't get it. He's got shit for brains.|
how else can we get alcohol?|
|00:27:15||- Yo, guys! What's up?
- Fogell, where have you been, man?|
|00:27:18||You almost gave me
a goddamn heart attack.|
|00:27:20||- Let me see it. Did you pussy out?
- No, no, man. I got it.|
|00:27:23||It's flawless. Check it.|
|00:27:27||All right, that's good.
It's hard to trace, I guess.|
|00:27:30||Wait, you changed your name
|00:27:37||What kind of a stupid name is that?
Are you an Irish R & B singer?|
|00:27:40||They let you pick any name you want
when you're there.|
|00:27:43||And you landed on McLovin?|
|00:27:45||Yeah, it was between that
|00:27:47||Why the fuck would it be
between that or Mohammad?|
|00:27:49||Why not just pick
a common name?|
|00:27:52||Mohammad is the most common name
on earth. Read a fucking book.|
|00:27:55||Have you ever met anyone
|00:27:57||Have you ever met anyone
|00:27:59||No, that's why you picked
a dumb fucking name.|
|00:28:01||- Fuck you.
- Give me that.|
|00:28:03||All right. You look like a future
pedophile in this picture, number one.|
|00:28:06||Number two, it doesn't even have
a first name. It just says McLovin!|
|00:28:10||What? One name?|
|00:28:11||One name? Who are you, Seal?|
|00:28:14||Fogell, this ID says
you're 25 years old.|
|00:28:16||Why wouldn't you just put 21, man?|
|00:28:18||Seth, Seth, Seth.
Listen up, ass-face.|
|00:28:20||Every day, hundreds of kids go into
the liquor store with their fake IDs...|
|00:28:24||...and every single one
says they're 21.|
|00:28:26||How many 21 -year-olds
are in this town?|
|00:28:28||It's called fucking strategy.|
|00:28:29||Let's stay calm, okay?
Let's not lose our heads.|
|00:28:32||It's a fine ID. It'll... It's gonna work.
It's passable, okay?|
|00:28:35||This isn't terrible.
I mean, it's up to you, Fogell.|
|00:28:38||This guy's gonna think,
"Here's a kid with a fake ID"...|
|00:28:41||...or "Here's McLovin, the 25-year-old
Hawaiian organ donor."|
|00:28:45||Okay? So, what's it gonna be?|
|00:28:48||I am McLovin.|
|00:28:50||No, you're not. No one's McLovin.
McLovin's never existed...|
|00:28:53||...because that's a made-up, dumb,
fucking fairy-tale name, you fuck!|
|00:28:57||Jeez, man. It'll work.
Give it a chance.|
|00:28:59||Did you move my...?|
|00:29:01||Where is my car?|
|00:29:02||Oh, my God, man.|
|00:29:04||What did I say to you?
I told you not to park here.|
|00:29:06||Why would you park
in the staff parking lot?|
|00:29:09||Shut the fuck up, Fogell.|
|00:29:11||I mean, because you're not staff.|
|00:29:13||I know that, Fagell! I know that!|
|00:29:19||Evan, let's go to your house.|
|00:29:22||Wait, are you guys
still picking me up from work?|
|00:29:26||Can you answer me?|
|00:29:32||Man, don't you have
any non-infant clothes?|
|00:29:36||- It'll be fine.
|00:29:37||Why don't you just wear
what you wore to school?|
|00:29:39||I can't do that. I can't let Jules
see me in what I wore to school.|
|00:29:42||It's completely unbecoming.|
|00:29:44||No one's gotten a handjob
in cargo shorts since Nam.|
|00:29:48||I have to kill these guys.
You don't negotiate with terrorists.|
|00:29:51||Really? Yeah, that's what
we should be talking about right now.|
|00:29:54||Then why don't you go
and get some of your own clothes?|
|00:29:56||That's the dumbest thing ever.|
|00:29:58||My parents will see that my car's
been towed and I'll be grounded.|
|00:30:01||These fucking terrorists
multiply like bunnies.|
|00:30:04||Where did I leave the M16?|
|00:30:05||Do you have any bigger clothes
or do you only shop at babyGap?|
|00:30:09||Fuck me. I can't...|
Why do they make that?|
|00:30:14||If you can't even win,
then why am I fucking playing?|
|00:30:17||Do you wanna go see
what my dad has?|
|00:30:43||What the fuck?|
|00:30:48||What the hell is that?|
|00:30:49||It's a fucking vest, dumbass.|
|00:30:52||- I'm trying to look older.
- You look like Pinocchio.|
|00:30:54||- It's just a vest.
- They got a lot of booze in there.|
|00:30:57||If we get it now, we can get
to the party faster with Jules' shit.|
|00:31:00||No way, man. I work there.
They know I'm not 25.|
|00:31:02||Nobody said anything about you,
|00:31:05||You really fucked me on this one.|
|00:31:07||So now I'm gonna steal the booze.|
|00:31:09||Don't do this.
I promise you I'll get the liquor later.|
|00:31:12||Mike Snider's ID always works.
So will mine, man.|
|00:31:14||Mike Snider's ID doesn't have
one fucking name on it! Okay?|
|00:31:18||I thought you Dartmouth guys would
be smart enough to understand that.|
|00:31:22||Now Seth's gotta
pick up all the pieces.|
|00:31:25||He won't do it. Don't worry.|
|00:31:27||I forgot to tell you, my mom said we
can have the TV from the basement...|
|00:31:30||Shut the fuck up,
he's gonna hear you.|
|00:31:32||Just be quiet.
Wait until he goes away.|
|00:31:34||You still haven't told him
that we're rooming together?|
|00:31:37||Fogell, shut the fuck up.|
|00:31:38||And take off your vest.
You look like Aladdin.|
|00:31:41||Okay. You got it.|
|00:31:52||Hope piggy can run.|
|00:32:10||How old are you?|
|00:32:14||You certainly are.
That'll be 80 dollars.|
|00:32:19||Thank you kindly. Will that do?|
|00:32:22||Certainly will. Thank you, Seth.|
|00:32:24||Hey, thank you.|
|00:32:37||You dropped your purse, ma'am.|
|00:32:38||Would you like some help?|
|00:32:40||Well, that would be lovely,
|00:32:42||Would you like me
to buy you alcohol?|
|00:32:46||That would be lovely.|
|00:32:48||- Enjoy your remaining years.
- I will.|
|00:32:51||- Enjoy fucking Jules.
- I will.|
|00:33:13||Don't do it, kid.|
|00:33:18||I never had a choice.|
|00:33:29||You fucking killed her!|
|00:33:43||Where's all the stolen liquor?
Did you hide it up your butt?|
|00:33:46||Piss off! I was gonna do it,
but there was a security breach.|
|00:33:49||You never would've done it.|
|00:33:50||Let's go to a liquor store
and watch your stupid ID get rejected.|
|00:33:54||Wait, I'm gonna go put my vest
back in my locker.|
|00:34:23||All right. Here we are. This is it.|
|00:34:25||- You ready? Yeah?
|00:34:28||- Here's the money and the list.
- Change is yours. Keep the change.|
|00:34:31||- Thank you. What's the list for?
- The alcohol.|
|00:34:35||We're gonna get alcohol
for the whole party, okay?|
|00:34:38||We put a lot of time into this list,
so don't fuck it up.|
spiced rum, Goldslick...|
|00:34:45||Goldslick Vodka. That's for Becca.
Don't forget that.|
|00:34:48||Raspberry vodka, Scotch...|
|00:34:51||And Kyle's Killer Lemonade.
|00:34:53||This is a lot. I don't know
if I can get away with all this.|
|00:34:56||What difference does it make?|
|00:34:57||I don't know, man.
I'm, like, really nervous.|
|00:35:01||- Are you okay?
- No, man. I should have wore the vest.|
|00:35:04||- Calm down.
- What the fuck are you doing?|
|00:35:07||What if I go in
and they turn me down, man?|
|00:35:09||Then we're in the same place
we're in now.|
|00:35:11||- Who cares?
- It's fucking humiliating!|
|00:35:13||Everybody sees them
kicking me out.|
|00:35:15||What if they make me
put the liquor back? I can't do that.|
|00:35:18||This whole thing
is bigger than you, Fogell!|
|00:35:21||So grow a pair of nuts and fucking
walk in there and buy the alcohol!|
|00:35:24||What if I don't feel like it
anymore, Seth? What?|
|00:35:27||Then I'll fucking kill you, okay?|
|00:35:29||I'll stab you
through your fucking heart.|
|00:35:31||No, you can do this, man.
|00:35:33||Killing me won't get you alcohol.
I'm the one with the fake ID.|
|00:35:36||Then I'll cut
your dumb fucking face off...|
|00:35:38||...throw it over mine and get your ID
and buy it my fucking self!|
|00:35:41||Oh, really? You don't have
the technology or the steady hands...|
|00:35:44||...to pull off a procedure like that,
|00:35:49||Fogell, just be cool, man.
Get in and get out.|
|00:35:51||You're the hero.|
|00:36:27||Is there a problem here, sir?|
|00:36:29||No. No problem whatsoever.|
|00:36:35||Sir, did you do this? On the floor?|
|00:36:40||And you should really clean this up.|
|00:36:42||Someone could really
|00:36:46||Fuck my life.|
|00:36:48||We're so fucked.
We're so fucked.|
|00:36:50||This plan's been fucked
since Jump Street.|
|00:36:52||Okay, just calm down.
Just calm down, all right?|
|00:36:55||Hey, so did you bring a condom
|00:36:58||You brought a condom with you?|
|00:37:00||Yeah. I figured
I might as well, you know?|
|00:37:02||I brought a little bottle
of spermicidal lube too.|
|00:37:07||You laughed in my face
when I said I'd be having sex tonight.|
|00:37:10||That doesn't mean
you shouldn't always be prepared.|
|00:37:13||- You didn't even bring a condom?
that wasn't part of the plan.|
|00:37:17||You did this
without consulting with me.|
|00:37:19||We've never discussed, like, any plan,
but you keep saying we have a plan.|
|00:37:23||I had, like, a general outline.
|00:37:26||I was gonna go down on her
for, like, several hours, okay?|
|00:37:29||She would love that. She'd be smitten.
She'd go out with that.|
|00:37:32||Or I dry hump the shit out of her leg.|
|00:37:34||Well, I just... I don't see the harm
in bringing one little condom.|
|00:37:38||And one little bottle
of spermicidal lube?|
|00:37:40||Yeah, one little bottle
of spermicidal lube.|
|00:37:42||- Evan, that's psycho shit, man.
- No, it's not.|
|00:37:45||That's, like, Charles Manson shit.|
|00:37:47||What, do you think Becca's gonna be
psyched that you brought lube?|
|00:37:51||"Oh, Evan. Thank you for bringing
that lube for my pussy.|
|00:37:54||I never would've been able to handle
your fucking 4-inch dick...|
|00:37:58||...inside my pussy
without that gigantic bottle of lube."|
|00:38:01||- Okay, that's... That's enough.
|00:38:03||These girls are 18,
they're not dried-up old ladies.|
|00:38:06||- They're good to go.
- Then I won't bring the lube.|
|00:38:08||Don't make me feel like that.
I thought it was cool.|
|00:38:11||- This is a nice kind.
- Let me see that for a second.|
|00:38:13||- An impressive kind.
- It is kind of cool.|
|00:38:16||- That's cool.
- Fucking dumbass. Lube?|
|00:38:17||- That's funny.
- You brought lube?|
|00:38:19||You owe me 6 bucks because I'm not
walking over to get it and it exploded.|
|00:38:39||I love that stuff.
Been drinking it for years.|
|00:38:43||You know, I heard they recently
decided to add more hops to it.|
|00:38:53||I'm gonna need to see
|00:38:59||Makes me feel young again.
There you go.|
|00:39:04||Oh, shit, it's Cary Hutchins.|
|00:39:09||She had the biggest tits
I've ever seen.|
|00:39:11||I heard she got
|00:39:13||What? Making your tits smaller?|
|00:39:15||That's like slapping God
for giving you a gorgeous gift.|
|00:39:18||She had back problems, man.|
|00:39:20||And it's not just making them smaller.
They completely reshape them.|
|00:39:23||They make them
more supple and symmetrical.|
|00:39:26||I gotta catch a glimpse
of these warlocks.|
|00:39:28||Let's make a move.|
|00:39:31||- She's going around the corner.
- Come on!|
|00:39:39||Okay. Your total is 96.59.|
|00:39:52||I don't believe it!|
|00:39:54||Are you okay, mister?|
|00:39:57||What the shit was that?|
|00:40:01||I don't believe it.
I don't believe it.|
|00:40:05||I don't believe it.|
|00:40:07||I don't know, man.
I think she looked better before.|
|00:40:09||But now that she can jog comfortably,
she's in the best shape she's ever...|
|00:40:16||What is this? What's that?|
|00:40:27||Holy shit, they busted Fogell.|
|00:40:30||How did this happen, Evan?
|00:40:32||His dad's gonna fucking kill him.|
|00:40:35||He assaulted the customer,
grabbed the cash and ran out.|
- How...? How...? How...?|
|00:40:42||- Say when, height-wise.
- I'm gonna start up here, tell me when.|
|00:40:45||- I'll start on the bottom and...
|00:40:48||Whatever 5'10" is,
he was 5'10".|
|00:40:50||Ethnically, I mean, did... What...?|
|00:40:54||I mean, was he...?
Was he like us, or...?|
|00:41:02||- Is that what you're asking?
- No, no. Was he...?|
- What? What?|
- Af... Af...|
|00:41:07||- Was he African?
|00:41:09||No. He was American,
and he was like you.|
|00:41:11||- He looked just like you.
- He was Jewish. Okay, Jew.|
|00:41:15||- It's an odd crime for a Jew.
- They're pretty docile.|
|00:41:17||Okay, so we have an African Jew
wearing a hoodie.|
|00:41:21||No, you don't. No. That's not what
I said. Is that what you heard me say?|
|00:41:25||I said he looked like you.
Do you look like an African Jew?|
|00:41:28||- No, I look like a cop.
|00:41:32||He was Caucasian.|
- All right.|
- Well, touché.|
|00:41:37||Kind of looked like Eminem.
Does that help you?|
|00:41:40||- An M&M.
- An M&M.|
|00:41:41||- So he was circular...?
- Marshall Mathers. Eminem?|
|00:41:44||- The rapper, Eminem.
- Did he look like this?|
|00:41:48||- I'm an amateur. I kind of...
- That looks like an M&M.|
|00:41:51||Longer face? Bigger nose?
Would you say his mouth was wider?|
|00:41:55||Open? A gap?|
|00:41:57||Is there another squad car in the area
that could be of further assistance?|
|00:42:02||I don't seem to be getting any.|
|00:42:04||Okay, so just walk me through again
what this guy did.|
|00:42:07||He... He... He came in, he's wielding...|
|00:42:10||He's wielding something. He hits
this small gentleman in the slacks.|
|00:42:14||And then he jumps over you,
he feels you up, violates you.|
|00:42:18||- I did not say that.
- No, he doesn't.|
|00:42:20||Look, I can't do this. I told you already,
I have an exam tomorrow.|
|00:42:23||Can you understand that?
I have a goddamn veterinary exam!|
|00:42:28||Goddamn it. This is bullshit.|
|00:42:30||This is some bullshit.
I got an exam tomorrow. Forget this.|
|00:42:33||Well, apparently someone
has an exam.|
|00:42:35||How'd you know?|
|00:42:38||You. You're the one
that got punched?|
|00:42:41||First things first.
What is your name?|
|00:42:50||It's M... McLov... McLovin.|
|00:42:58||Now, what's your first name?|
|00:43:01||- Your first name?
- My first name?|
|00:43:04||Technically I don't have a first name,
so don't worry about my first name.|
|00:43:10||But we're the police.|
|00:43:12||We just wanna get
the story straight.|
|00:43:16||- Come on.
- Fuck, man.|
|00:43:17||- Come on!
- He must be so afraid.|
|00:43:20||I don't believe this bullshit.
I can't believe this is happening!|
|00:43:23||I didn't know you could get arrested
for this shit. We need that liquor.|
|00:43:27||- Are they gonna take him downtown?
- Fuck Fogell.|
|00:43:29||He got arrested, okay?
We're on our own.|
|00:43:32||We need a new way to get liq...|
|00:43:33||Fuck! The money, man! Fuck!
How much money can you get?|
|00:43:37||Why are you talking about money?
What about Fogell?|
|00:43:39||That doesn't matter anymore. I lost
a hundred dollars of Jules' money.|
|00:43:43||Are we gonna bust him out of jail?
Bake a cake with a fucking file in it?|
|00:43:47||Fuck Fogell. We need a new way to
get liquor, which is fucking impossible.|
|00:43:51||All right, you need to calm down.
We need to think for a second.|
|00:43:54||- We need to think this out.
- Fuck thinking, we need to act!|
|00:44:01||- What the fuck happened?
- Just... Just get up. Slowly.|
|00:44:04||You all right? You okay?|
|00:44:07||I am so sorry, man. I am so sorry.|
|00:44:10||I didn't even effing see you at all, man.
Are you okay?|
|00:44:14||So it's just McLovin?|
|00:44:20||- That's badass.
- That is badass.|
|00:44:23||- Really cool.
- A badass name.|
|00:44:24||- Lot of people with weird names.
- Chingy. Shakira.|
|00:44:29||We arrested a man-lady
who was legally named "Fuck."|
|00:44:32||Think he was Vietnamese,
it was with a P-H.|
|00:44:34||But it's still shocking
to see on a license.|
|00:44:36||- Okay, and how old are you, McLovin?
- Old enough.|
|00:44:41||Old enough for what?|
|00:44:51||Can I see your ID?|
|00:44:54||Yeah, I think I have it.|
|00:45:20||- You're an organ donor.
|00:45:24||I didn't wanna, but my wife insisted.|
|00:45:26||I give him shit for it too. All the time.|
|00:45:28||I say, "It's just like a woman.
Even after you're dead...|
|00:45:31||...they wanna tear your heart out."
- They wanna tear your...|
|00:45:34||- I say it weekly and it's still funny.
- It still makes me laugh.|
|00:45:37||- Really funny.
- There you go.|
|00:45:39||I'm sorry, guys.
I don't really have any information.|
|00:45:42||He just hit me,
and I didn't see what he looked like.|
|00:45:45||- I don't know if I can help you.
- You in a hurry?|
|00:45:47||Yeah, kind of had to catch that bus.|
|00:45:50||- Where were you headed?
- Near 13th and Granville.|
|00:45:54||- We can take you there.
- Get your information on the way.|
|00:45:57||- Why waste 2 bucks?
- We'll take you. No problem.|
|00:46:00||Please don't report me, man.
We can figure this out, right?|
|00:46:03||Why the fuck wouldn't I report you?
You just hit me.|
|00:46:08||Because I'll do anything.|
|00:46:10||Please, okay? Anything.
|00:46:15||Name anything. Name it. Name it.|
|00:46:19||All right, look. Hey, man. All right.|
|00:46:22||Listen, you can trust me, okay?|
|00:46:24||I'm gonna be totally honest with you.|
|00:46:29||I have a warrant out
for a totally nonviolent crime.|
|00:46:31||Okay? There. Mercy Street, guys.|
|00:46:35||I'll be honest with you for a second.|
|00:46:37||You better get us a shitload of cash
or a shitload of alcohol...|
|00:46:39||...or you're going to fucking prison.|
|00:46:41||What are you doing, man?
You don't need to...|
|00:46:44||No, let's not...
Let's hang on a second here.|
|00:46:46||- Cough it up.
|00:46:47||Don't know if we should be
doing anything official.|
|00:46:49||We're working together. It's like
Let's Make a Deal. Here we go.|
|00:46:54||Are you fucking serious? This isn't
enough. What are you, a 6-year-old?|
|00:46:58||- It's all I have, man. It's all I have.
- You better think of something quickly.|
|00:47:02||- My back! My back. Cops, my back.
- No, no, no. Wait, don't do that.|
|00:47:06||All right, listen.
I can get you alcohol.|
|00:47:08||I'm going over to this party
right now, bro. Okay?|
|00:47:11||It's got booze, it's got girls.
Booze and girls equals...|
|00:47:15||I don't know. Do you?
I don't know. Do you?|
|00:47:17||- I think you do. Do you?
- Yes. That's a definite yes.|
|00:47:20||Definite yes, then.|
|00:47:22||- Give me one sec to talk to him.
- Stay right here.|
|00:47:24||Yeah, yeah. Do what you gotta do.
Mix it over. I'll be over by the car.|
|00:47:28||Just talk it out. Hey, I'm a nice guy.|
|00:47:31||- Come on, it's great.
- What are you thinking?|
|00:47:34||- What are you doing?
|00:47:35||I lost Jules' money,
Fogell's dead to us now...|
|00:47:38||...we don't have any choice.
|00:47:40||I don't like this idea. This guy's
fucking creepy, man. Look at him.|
|00:47:43||What? He looks like a guy.
That's what guys look like.|
|00:47:46||- What is your problem?
- You guys know a guy named Jimmy?|
|00:47:49||You totally look like his brother.|
look like his brother, man.|
|00:47:57||You promised Becca
you'd get her alcohol.|
|00:47:59||If you don't, she's gonna have
a shitty night.|
|00:48:01||That's all I'm saying. Come on.|
|00:48:04||We bingo, bango, ready to go, go?|
|00:48:07||- Good luck on your exam tomorrow.
- Good luck on your exam.|
|00:48:09||- You don't wanna ride the bus.
- Buses smell like piss, generally.|
|00:48:12||- You know why?
|00:48:14||People piss on them.|
|00:48:21||You know, one of you bros could've
come up and sat up with me.|
|00:48:26||- We're fine back here.
- Back's fine.|
|00:48:28||Safe in the back seat.|
|00:48:34||- Oh, my God.
- What's up?|
|00:48:36||- Hey, Jules.
- Who is it? Who's on the phone?|
|00:48:39||Seth. Hey, where are you?|
|00:48:41||I'm in a cab right now,
on the way to a liquor store.|
|00:48:44||Good. I can't wait
for you to get here.|
|00:48:46||Well, I hope your friends
are ready to get fucked up.|
|00:48:50||I'm sure they will be.|
|00:48:52||- Okay, I'll see you soon.
|00:48:55||Oh, man! Dude, this is crazy.|
|00:48:57||She called, she said,
"I can't wait for you to get there."|
|00:49:00||That sounds like
she fully wants it, man! Oh, yeah!|
|00:49:03||Who's gonna give it to her, huh,
my man? You, that's who.|
|00:49:10||You guys on MySpace, or...?|
|00:49:25||Officers? I can answer those
questions now if you want me to.|
|00:49:29||We get the gist of it. You were
buying beer, some guys punched you.|
|00:49:33||Don't worry about it.
We're not gonna find them.|
|00:49:35||- Case closed.
- But it was only...|
|00:49:49||- But it was only one guy.
- Only one guy? Shit.|
|00:49:53||How am I supposed to
find one guy?|
|00:49:55||This job really isn't how, you know,
shows like CSI make it out to be.|
|00:49:58||When I first joined the force, I assumed
there was semen on everything...|
|00:50:02||...and there was some, like,
huge semen database...|
|00:50:05||...that had every bad guy's semen in it.
There isn't. That doesn't exist.|
|00:50:08||I often go to sleep and dream of
waking up in a world where...|
|00:50:11||...everything's covered in semen.
- I mean, who doesn't?|
|00:50:14||It'd be nice.
Like that crime scene today.|
|00:50:16||If the man had ejaculated
and then punched you...|
|00:50:18||...we'd have a shot at catching him.|
|00:50:20||- No way.
- Just punched in the face, no semen.|
|00:50:23||- No semen.
- Story of my life.|
|00:50:30||Michaels here, he's six months in.|
but the Force is strong with this one.|
|00:50:38||Learning you are, young padawan.|
|00:50:40||Thank you very much.|
|00:50:43||- That's Yoda.
- Are you familiar with Yoda?|
|00:50:46||From Attack of the Clones?|
|00:50:47||We have a 245 at East 24 and
Montgomery, Bailey's Bar and Grill.|
|00:50:52||Car 98 on it.|
|00:50:54||See, Michaels, you always
take a call at a bar because...|
|00:50:57||...better or worse,
you get a beer out of it.|
|00:51:00||Pretty sweet, huh?|
|00:51:01||- True that. Amazing thinking.
- Hey, McLovin.|
|00:51:04||We got a situation at Bailey's,
so we'll drop you off after, all right?|
|00:51:07||Actually, I kind of
have to be somewhere...|
|00:51:09||- Sweet. Sit tight.
- Set course for Bailey's, warp 10.|
|00:51:21||Welcome to the Thunderdome.|
|00:51:26||Hey, man, are you sure it's cool
that we're here with you?|
|00:51:29||Oh, definitely, man.|
best friends with the guy...|
|00:51:33||...so a bunch of my buds
|00:51:35||We're gonna rock out
with our cocks out. Just kidding.|
|00:51:38||- We are gonna rock out.
- Just go, just go.|
|00:51:41||What's up? What's up? What's up?|
|00:51:44||Hello, hello. Hey, guys.|
|00:52:04||This is something
a smart person wouldn't do.|
|00:52:06||Look, just act cool and act casual,
and try and look old.|
|00:52:09||We'll get the booze
and get the fuck out of here, okay?|
|00:52:16||Hey, where the party at? Right.|
|00:52:18||- You got those shots, bro?
- It's coming.|
|00:52:22||Come on, let's party.|
|00:52:24||Come on. Do it up.|
|00:52:33||We should grab one of these buckets
and get out.|
|00:52:35||You out of your mind? How are we
gonna get a fucking bucket out?|
|00:52:38||- Dude, what the fuck?
- Hey, man.|
|00:52:40||What the fuck do you think
|00:52:42||- What are you...? What? Nothing.
- You using my phone?|
|00:52:46||- What do you think you're doing?
- Hang up. Nothing.|
What's wrong, Mark?|
|00:52:51||You weren't invited.
Get the fuck out of here.|
|00:52:54||- Come on, Mark. It's cool, man.
- You using my fucking phone?|
|00:52:58||You calling your
fucking friends again?|
|00:53:00||You calling your friends,
your fantastic friends?|
|00:53:02||No. I mean, yes. But I mean I'll...|
|00:53:04||Come on, man, just relax.
|00:53:07||Get the fuck out of here.
The fuck out of my house.|
|00:53:09||Get the fuck out of my house.|
|00:53:11||- This is my house.
- Don't be such a dick, man!|
|00:53:14||What the fuck?|
|00:53:16||Mark! You really wanna do this, man?|
|00:53:18||Here we go.
We're really gonna do this?|
|00:53:22||That's right, motherfucker.|
|00:53:25||Come on, pussy. Get up, dude.|
|00:53:28||Oh, shit. I'm sorry, bro.
I'm sorry, bro. I'm sorry, bro.|
|00:53:31||Tiger got out of the cage, man.
All right? I'm sorry. Come on, Mark.|
|00:53:35||Let's just chill.
Everyone just chill out.|
|00:53:42||Right in the nads!|
|00:53:47||This is for your friends.
Here, have another one.|
|00:53:50||Shit. Oh, shit, oh, shit, oh, shit.
Oh, my God. What do we do?|
|00:53:54||- Come on. Come on.
- Choose one.|
|00:53:57||- We can slip out the back, man.
- Come on. Let's hurry up and do this.|
|00:54:02||Are you crazy, man?
Wanna end up like that guy?|
|00:54:04||Not me. I need my nuts, man,
for a lot of things.|
|00:54:07||- We need liquor.
- You need it. I don't.|
|00:54:09||I'm gonna tell Becca how I feel.
Maybe she'll get with me.|
|00:54:12||I'm not gonna get her
drunk out of her mind.|
|00:54:14||Oh, really? Then how come
you never made a move, you pussy?|
|00:54:17||Because I respect her, Seth. I'm not
gonna put unfair pressure on her.|
|00:54:21||I don't see a problem.
Let's just do it.|
|00:54:23||We're leaving, okay?
You wanna get killed for liquor?|
|00:54:26||No, but I would get killed for pussy,
no questions asked.|
|00:54:29||- Fuck this, man.
- You're just gonna bail on me?|
|00:54:33||- I'm going.
- Fucking bitch.|
|00:54:39||- Thank you.
- Oh, I love this place.|
|00:54:52||What the hell is going on in there?|
|00:54:54||If the bullets start flying,
hit the deck.|
|00:54:56||You pissed everywhere,
you son of a bitch!|
|00:54:59||Everywhere? You didn't
see me pissing anywhere.|
|00:55:02||I don't know
what you're talking about.|
|00:55:04||Take your nuts out of your shells!|
|00:55:06||Michaels, I got your back.|
|00:55:08||Why don't you show this rummy
how we roll?|
|00:55:12||Excuse me, sir.
Stop what you are doing at once.|
|00:55:16||- Blue guys!
- Resisting. Resisting!|
|00:55:22||Everybody stay calm.|
|00:55:25||- Everybody stay calm.
- Get the fuck out of my way!|
|00:55:28||Stay calm! Fuck!|
|00:55:31||- Should I shoot him?
- No, no, no!|
- Stop him, McLovin!|
|00:55:35||McLovin, stop him!
Do it, do it, do it, do it!|
|00:55:43||Please stop it, you fucking bum.
What the fuck?|
|00:56:04||He just came at me.
I took him down.|
|00:56:06||- I'm buying you a beer, McLovin.
- I'm buying you one too.|
|00:56:09||Take note. That's how
you take down a motherfucker.|
|00:56:13||McLovin in the fucking house!|
|00:56:51||Hey. You dance hot.|
|00:57:14||Okay, okay. Here we... Here we go.|
- Evan, it's Becca.|
|00:57:20||Oh, Becca. Hi.|
|00:57:22||Hey. Hello. Hey. Becca.|
- Evan, can you hear me?|
|00:57:28||- Hello? What?
- Can you hear...? Piece of shit!|
|00:57:31||Guy sells me
a piece of shit fucking phone.|
- It's Becca.|
|00:57:35||I get one bar
everywhere I fucking go.|
|00:57:37||- What is he saying?
- Fucking asshole.|
|00:57:40||- I think...
- What happened?|
|00:57:44||- What? It's rude. Hello?
- Fuck. You suck.|
|00:57:47||Bullshit phone. Piece of shit.|
|00:57:48||I swear I'll bitchslap you
so fucking hard.|
|00:58:40||This is fucking crazy.|
|00:58:51||Hey. Look what fell out of the truck!|
|00:58:56||You're full of shit.|
|00:58:58||Yeah, I know.|
We're so gonna get fucked up.|
|00:59:05||- All right.
|00:59:08||What is that?|
|00:59:11||I don't know. What?|
|00:59:13||That fucking stain on your pants, idiot.
What is that?|
|00:59:17||- What are you talking about, man?
|00:59:20||- Is that blood?
- What the fuck is that?|
|00:59:23||- Are you bleeding?
- I'm not cut or anything.|
|00:59:25||- Why would I be bleeding?
- It's fucking blood, man.|
|00:59:29||Were you dancing
with some chick in there?|
|00:59:32||- Yeah, so?
- It's blood.|
|00:59:34||- Dude, that's not funny.
- It's blood, dude.|
|00:59:38||But why would I be bleeding?
Why the fuck would I be bl...?|
|00:59:42||Dude, why would there be bl...?|
|00:59:46||Oh, fuck. Oh, my God.|
I'm gonna fucking throw up.|
on my fucking leg?|
|00:59:56||- Oh, shit.
- What the fuck do I do?|
|00:59:59||I've never before
seen that in my life!|
|01:00:01||This is so disgusting.|
|01:00:03||- Yes, it is.
- I'm gonna go get Bill.|
|01:00:05||- He's gotta check this shit out.
- Fuck, yeah.|
|01:00:07||No. Who's Bill? Don't tell Bill!
Bill has nothing to do with this!|
|01:00:10||Hey, calm down.
Let me get a picture of that real quick.|
|01:00:13||No, you can't have a picture!|
|01:00:14||- Dude, stop!
- Bill, Bill! Check it out!|
|01:00:16||This kid's got period blood
on his slacks.|
That's what you don't get.|
|01:00:20||Hey, Pat! This jerk-off's
got period blood on his pants!|
|01:00:23||- Please stop.
- God, man, let me see.|
|01:00:25||Oh, my God,
that's a fucking man-gina, man.|
|01:00:29||- Do you need a tampon? I could...
- Wait, wait. I have one! I have one!|
|01:00:33||Yeah, right? I don't know.|
|01:00:35||- I gotta wash this off. Is this the line?
- What does it look like?|
|01:00:38||Fuck me, right?|
|01:00:55||"Yeah, I'm McLovin.
I'd like to buy some..."|
|01:01:01||- Rewind, rewind.
- Rewind it. Yeah!|
|01:01:04||So hot. Let's see it again.|
|01:01:09||- Your legs lifted off the ground.
- That is bona fide badass, man.|
|01:01:12||You gotta keep that tape, McLovin.
It is badass.|
|01:01:15||- It really is.
|01:01:16||Well, don't you guys, like,
need it for, like, evidence or...?|
|01:01:19||The only thing that's evidence of
is you can take a hit like a champ.|
|01:01:23||Seriously. Take that.|
|01:01:24||Are there any ladies
we'd like to show this tape to?|
|01:01:30||No. You don't wanna meet a chick
in a bar, man. Seriously.|
|01:01:34||That was a turning point
in my life, when I realized that.|
|01:01:36||You gotta go to other places. You gotta
go to a spin class, a farmers' market...|
given the time of year.|
|01:01:44||Just somewhere social,
|01:01:46||- You know, something like that.
- Yeah, I met the missus at paintball.|
|01:01:50||Yeah, I shot her in the neck.
And we just...|
|01:01:53||And we just hit it off, you know.|
|01:01:55||My first wife...
Who is a whore, by the way.|
|01:01:59||- Where do you think I met her?|
|01:02:00||A bar. A bar.|
|01:02:03||- It was this bar.
- It was this bar.|
|01:02:05||Yeah, it was this bar.|
|01:02:08||Bought her a Binion's,
complimented her on her tote bag...|
|01:02:12||...and next thing I know, she's putting
her mouth around the tip of my penis.|
|01:02:17||You don't have to tell me that.|
|01:02:20||- Right in there.
- She opened up my world, sexually.|
|01:02:23||On our wedding night,
we had group sex.|
|01:02:25||I wasn't involved in it.|
|01:02:27||- But I could hear it through the wall.
- I was.|
|01:02:30||She was amazing. And then it was
exactly 23 months later...|
|01:02:33||...that I found out
she was an actual whore.|
|01:02:35||- We discovered her on the street.
|01:02:39||She was bad.
Fucking whoring bitch.|
|01:02:41||- But you got a new wife now, so...
- Yeah. Yeah.|
|01:02:45||And she is wonderful.|
|01:02:47||- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- You'll meet her.|
|01:02:50||You know what?
I bet I know your trick, McLovin.|
|01:02:52||- You play the whole myst...
- Calling all units.|
|01:02:54||Just turn that off.|
There's so much blood...|
|01:03:00||I bet you play the whole
mysterious-guy thing, right?|
How's it going with the ladies?|
|01:03:08||It's not the going with the ladies
I care about...|
|01:03:12||...it's the coming.|
|01:03:16||- I get it.
- What is it? What is it?|
|01:03:25||- That's funny. That is really funny.
- Oh, my God.|
|01:03:34||All right, looks like we got a call.
We can't pay for these.|
|01:03:37||10-4. We'll be right there.|
|01:03:39||- Speedy Gonzales, let's go.
- We should get road beers.|
we should get some road beers.|
|01:03:44||Can I have 13 beers to go, please?|
|01:03:46||Please. God, my fucking leg.|
|01:04:34||- I think it's him.
- Is it him?|
- Hey, Becca.|
|01:04:38||Hi, I had a bad reception.
So about your Goldslick...|
|01:04:42||- Guys, shut up.
- Hey, what's going on over there?|
|01:04:45||It's nothing. It's just...|
|01:04:47||I was just calling, you know,
to see if you were coming...|
|01:04:50||...because I thought maybe you were
stuck at, like, a nightclub...|
|01:04:53||...or a cocktail party or something.|
|01:04:56||No, no, I'm gonna be there for sure.
|01:05:00||- Charlie's Angels 2.
|01:05:03||- I can't wait to see you. Evan?
- Okay, bye.|
|01:05:06||That was the first time I ever did coke.
Off that bitch's nipple. That was so...|
|01:05:09||- A little white sniff.
- That was awesome.|
|01:05:11||That was gorgeous.|
|01:05:13||Hey, hey, hey.
You guys, stay in this room, man.|
|01:05:16||They're gonna kill that guy tonight.
That chick's boyfriend is pissed.|
|01:05:19||Yeah. He's a beast.|
|01:05:21||I've been praying for a fight.
I'm literally waking up and praying...|
|01:05:24||...to see a fucking fight.
- Hey, hey, hey.|
|01:05:29||Who's that guy?|
- Who is that guy?|
|01:05:36||- Who's this guy?
- Pleasure to see you fellas.|
|01:05:39||- Who are you?
- I'm nobody.|
|01:05:41||No, no, no. I know you. I know you.|
|01:05:43||He was at that party
I was telling you about.|
|01:05:46||- No, no.
- Who is it?|
|01:05:47||Remember? He's Jimmy's brother.
The guy. The singer.|
- He's the guy with the beautiful voice.|
|01:05:53||- The fucking singer, Jimmy's brother!
- That's not me, man.|
|01:05:56||- Oh, my God.
- Sing for us! Sing.|
|01:05:58||"It's not me"? You fucking lying?|
|01:05:59||No, I don't mean to accuse you guys
of being ill-informed, but...|
|01:06:03||My brother came from Scottsdale,
Arizona to be here.|
|01:06:05||You're not gonna sing for him?|
|01:06:07||- Fucking bullshit.
|01:06:08||- You're a fucking singer.
- You sing good.|
|01:06:11||- Sing it again.
- Like a bird.|
|01:06:12||- No, I know, I just... I want to.
- You want a line of cocaine?|
|01:06:15||- No way, man.
|01:06:16||Don't make this weird. Sing.|
|01:06:19||- Sing it again.
|01:06:25||- Fuck! Over!
- Okay, watch this.|
|01:06:28||I'll get it right on the nose.|
|01:06:31||You're gonna fuck it up.
You're gonna fuck it up.|
|01:06:35||I feel hammered.
That doesn't make any sense.|
|01:06:38||- You're a fucking pussy.
- Okay, okay. Great, great.|
|01:06:40||- Okay, McLovin, see if you can do it.
- The kid's gonna nail it.|
|01:06:44||Come on, McLovin.
Do it, buddy. Come on, buddy!|
|01:06:47||- Bring it!
- 0.08, motherfuckers!|
- That's my boy!|
- Beginner's luck. Beginner's luck.|
|01:06:56||So, what's it like to have guns?|
|01:06:59||It is awesome, McLovin.|
|01:07:02||- I mean, it's mindbl...
- It's great.|
|01:07:04||I haven't had one for long,
a few months, but I'll tell you...|
|01:07:06||...it's like having two cocks.
|01:07:08||If one of your cocks
could kill someone.|
|01:07:12||- Can I hold one?
|01:07:15||Can I hold one of your guns?|
|01:07:20||- Yeah, sure.
- Fine with me. Why not?|
|01:07:23||Everyone should hold a gun
at least a couple times.|
|01:07:25||Yeah, there you go.|
|01:07:27||- Have a blast.
- "Have a blast."|
|01:07:30||- That's funny.
- I've never held one of these before.|
|01:07:34||- Are they hard to shoot?
- If you're Michaels, they are.|
|01:07:37||- He can't shoot worth dick.
|01:07:39||I can shoot. What are you...? Wait.|
|01:07:41||- I can't shoot worth dick?
- You cannot shoot.|
|01:07:43||- I shot that cat last week.
- It was already dead, man.|
|01:07:46||- I still shot it.
- That cat was dead.|
|01:07:47||There's only one way
to settle this, guys.|
|01:07:55||There's a lot of reasons
why I like you.|
|01:07:57||I mean, you're handsome
and you're a good friend.|
|01:07:59||Dude, there he is. That's the guy.
Hey, Mark, right there.|
|01:08:05||Oh, you got a stain too.|
|01:08:08||- We're blood brothers.
- Shut the fuck up.|
|01:08:10||You're in my house,
you answer my questions.|
|01:08:13||What were you doing
dancing with Jacinda?|
|01:08:18||I don't even dance. I just...|
|01:08:19||I don't even dance ever, so...
I've never even tried it.|
|01:08:22||Then where the hell did this
come from, asshole?|
|01:08:26||Maybe you and I rubbed up against
each other at some point.|
|01:08:29||I don't remember. Maybe it was
some ricochet scenario. I don't know.|
|01:08:32||- How am I supposed to know?
- Kick his ass, Mark.|
|01:08:34||Shut the fuck up, Scarlett.|
|01:08:37||Where do you get off
dancing with my fiancée?|
|01:08:48||To some girl.|
|01:09:02||Talk about the hurting.|
- All right.|
|01:09:38||- Yo! Fight!
- Move it!|
|01:09:40||- Go, check this out!
- Oh, fuck!|
|01:09:42||And what the hell is this?|
|01:09:45||- I don't fucking... It's detergent.
- Yeah, what are you doing with it?|
|01:09:50||I got fucking blood on my pants.|
|01:09:56||What the fuck is this all about, man?
|01:10:00||- Well, fuck me.
I've been tackled by little girls!|
|01:10:07||You die! You're next!|
|01:10:11||I should fucking kill you,
|01:10:16||- Hold him, Jimmy's brother! Hold him!
- What do you mean? No. No way!|
|01:10:20||- You humiliated me!
- I'm sorry!|
|01:10:22||- You used my leg as a tampon!
- I'm calling the cops.|
|01:10:26||Evan! Come on! Move!|
|01:10:31||Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck.|
|01:10:33||Yeah. Fifth and Paysview. Hurry.|
|01:10:38||Mark, I called the cops.
You should hide your gun.|
|01:10:41||You're a fucking pussy.|
|01:10:43||Don't listen to him, officer.|
|01:10:44||If you make this,
we're no longer friends, Michaels.|
|01:10:47||- You're a fucking pussy.
- Cheating. You're cheating.|
|01:10:50||- Fuck me.
- Oh, suck on my nuts, Slater!|
|01:10:55||All right, you...
That was a lucky shot.|
|01:10:57||- That was a lucky shot.
- I rule.|
|01:11:00||I got jizzed on. All right.|
|01:11:02||- Can I shoot one?
- Yeah, go nuts. Go nuts.|
|01:11:04||Have a good time, man.|
|01:11:06||Empty the clip.
Empty the clip on it, man. Shit!|
|01:11:09||The cops! Bail! Bail! Bail!
Shotgun, shotgun! Damn it!|
|01:11:25||- What a rush.
- What do you guys wanna do?|
|01:11:28||- Man, let's get drunk!
- Let's get more fucked up!|
|01:11:31||You're fucking living the dream,
|01:11:34||This is gonna be the best night ever.|
|01:11:36||- Got a 257 at Fifth and Paysview.
|01:11:39||All units in the area report
to Fifth and Paysview.|
|01:11:41||- Car 98, that's you. Do it.
|01:11:46||Car 98 on it.
You dumb fucking whore.|
|01:11:49||Hey, did she say we're gonna get
to shoot somebody or something?|
|01:11:53||Oh, God, I wish.|
|01:11:54||It's probably some lame house party.
We'll drop you off after. Cool?|
Let's show these fuckers how we roll!|
|01:12:15||- You fucking prick.
|01:12:21||- You bailed on me.
- I didn't bail on you.|
|01:12:25||Yeah, you did.|
|01:12:28||You said you were gonna
do something and you didn't do it.|
|01:12:32||You're the one that dragged me to
that fucking party with those lunatics.|
|01:12:35||- I didn't bail on you.
- You bailed on me, okay?|
|01:12:41||You bailed on me this morning
when Jesse spat on me...|
|01:12:43||...and you're bailing on me
|01:12:45||What the fuck? It finally comes out.
That's good, man.|
|01:12:48||We were supposed to go
to college together.|
|01:12:51||Since we were kids,
since elementary school...|
|01:12:53||...that's all we've ever talked about,
us going together.|
|01:12:55||And you got into
|01:12:57||You're making me feel
like I'm a bad guy.|
|01:12:59||What...? I didn't do anything wrong.
I got into a good school.|
|01:13:03||How the fuck am I supposed to get
into Dartmouth? You knew I couldn't.|
|01:13:07||How fucking selfish are you?|
|01:13:08||You had no problem letting Fogell
take the fall.|
|01:13:10||You don't want me going
to a good school.|
|01:13:13||- Fuck, man!
- So, what the fuck do you want?|
|01:13:15||I'm not gonna let you
slow me down anymore, Seth.|
|01:13:21||What are you saying?|
|01:13:22||I've wasted the last three years
sitting around talking bullshit with you.|
|01:13:26||Instead of chasing girls
and making friends...|
|01:13:28||...l've just sat around
wasting all my time with you.|
|01:13:32||And now I'm going to college
a fucking friendless virgin.|
|01:13:34||Is this about Becca?
This is about some girl, man?|
|01:13:38||- I like her!
- Who gives a fuck?|
|01:13:40||She's some fucking girl!
You gonna go out with her?|
|01:13:42||- What about after that?
- Fuck you, you're a piece of shit.|
|01:13:45||Fuck you! And next time
you're pissed off about something...|
|01:13:48||...don't keep it inside for 10 years,
say it like a fucking man!|
|01:13:51||- Don't touch me.
- Fuck you!|
|01:13:55||Hey, McLovin, are the numbers
on your side odd or even?|
|01:13:58||- I don't know. It's too dark to see.
- We got flashlights.|
|01:14:02||Oh, that's true.|
|01:14:09||Where the fuck are we?|
|01:14:12||- Hey, Slater.
- What's that?|
|01:14:19||Now, young Michaels, you will die.|
|01:14:24||All right. Come on, stop it.
I can't fucking see. I can't see. Fuck it.|
|01:14:28||- Like it?
- Hey, fuck off, that hurts.|
|01:14:30||- You stop first.
- Not until you stop.|
|01:14:32||- Stop it, asshole.
- Hey, you stop.|
|01:14:35||- Fuck you, Evan!
- Don't fucking touch me.|
|01:14:49||Why did you do that?|
|01:14:50||- You shined the light in my face.
- You did too.|
|01:14:52||- I'm driving.
- We were playing Lightsabers.|
|01:14:54||- Excuse me.
- Oh, my God.|
|01:14:57||Are you guys gonna make sure
|01:15:02||- Check on him.
- You check.|
|01:15:04||- You go out there and check on him.
- Fuck that. You go.|
|01:15:08||Balls. Okay, we'll both go out there
and check on him.|
|01:15:13||I can't believe this is happening again.
What are the odds?|
|01:15:22||- Is everyone okay?
- Yeah, we're great, thanks.|
|01:15:26||Hey, hey, where's the love?|
|01:15:31||- He's okay. He's fine.
- Stand right next to your friend.|
|01:15:36||- Get over there.
- I got them.|
|01:15:38||You got these guys?|
|01:15:46||You boys doing
a bit of drinking tonight?|
|01:15:48||- No, officer. Not at all. Not... We...
- We found those.|
|01:15:52||I don't believe you.|
|01:15:57||Freeze. Stand right there.|
|01:15:59||- We're telling the truth.
- Keep it going.|
|01:16:02||- Don't be a hero tonight, guys.
- Wrong night for that.|
|01:16:04||You gotta fucking take care of this.|
|01:16:06||No. Look, I am not fixing your mistakes
again, okay? Fuck that shit.|
|01:16:10||I don't wanna get shitcanned.
I like this job.|
|01:16:13||Me too. I get free haircuts.
I'm not taking the fall.|
|01:16:18||We're gonna arrest
these two little dipshits, okay?|
|01:16:20||And we're gonna pin it on them.|
|01:16:23||Yeah, do what you have to do.|
|01:16:31||Spread your shit!|
|01:16:32||Get on the ground!
Loaded gun, ready to go!|
|01:16:35||Spread your shit!
Pussies on the pavement, fellas.|
|01:16:38||- Come on!
- Please don't shoot, sir.|
|01:16:40||"Please don't shoot."
Shut up and spread your shit!|
|01:16:44||I am the law! Okay?|
|01:16:48||Now hold hands.|
|01:16:50||You don't want an asshole where your
face used to be, Whaling Jennings.|
|01:16:54||- Hold his fucking hand!
- Fucking hold my hand.|
|01:16:57||There. That's not so hard, is it?|
|01:16:59||Here, McLovin, have a cigarette.|
|01:17:03||Smoke up. Life's short, you know.|
|01:17:06||Suck it in, my friend.|
|01:17:08||Suck it long and deep.|
|01:17:13||McLovin, McLovin, McLovin.|
|01:17:17||- You like Officer Slater and myself?
- Yeah, you guys are awesome.|
We really like you too, McLovin.|
|01:17:26||So here's what's about to happen.|
|01:17:27||We're gonna arrest these guys...|
|01:17:29||...you're gonna write a witness report
saying they leapt in front of our car...|
|01:17:33||...and there was nothing we could do.
|01:17:36||- Yeah, that's fine.
Pretend he's your little sister.|
|01:17:42||Your little sister with the...|
|01:17:55||What the fuck?|
|01:18:28||Hold on, I gotta get all the booze.
Seth, wait up!|
|01:18:34||Chase the kid!|
|01:19:05||That was a fast kid.|
|01:19:10||I want a ride! You hear me?
You can't unarrest me!|
- Come on.|
|01:19:33||McLovin, come back!|
|01:19:36||My hand! Monster!
Nicole! Nicole, get Daddy.|
|01:19:41||- Get Daddy.
- Get Daddy!|
|01:19:44||- Oh, shit.
- Get away from my kids!|
|01:19:50||You sick sons of bitches!|
|01:19:55||What the fuck?|
|01:20:02||Michaels, are you okay?|
|01:20:05||- It's just beer.
- Give me a break.|
|01:20:07||- It's just beer.
- Man up.|
What, did you lose him?|
|01:20:11||He's a freak.
He's the fastest kid alive.|
|01:20:14||- This is not good.
- He's the fastest kid alive.|
|01:20:16||Fastest kid alive, my ass. Come on.
What are we gonna do?|
|01:20:20||I'll shoot my gun in the air.|
|01:20:22||Give me a fucking warning
before you do it.|
|01:20:24||I'll scare him out of wherever
|01:20:26||This isn't gonna do shit.
Get in the car. Get in the car.|
|01:20:29||This is your fault, you piece of...|
|01:20:31||Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck.
They shot Seth.|
|01:20:34||They fucking shot Seth, I know it.|
|01:20:38||Holy shit. Holy shit.|
|01:20:41||- Should I run?
|01:20:47||- Fuck. Stop!
- Stop the bus!|
|01:20:49||- Stop it!
- It's stopping.|
|01:20:51||- It's stopping.
- Oh, thank God.|
|01:20:56||Hey, Evan, pay for me, please.|
|01:21:00||That's me and him.|
|01:21:02||Hey, hey. It's you.|
|01:21:08||- You know this guy?
|01:21:09||Ain't got no cop people to help you
keep your booze now, do you?|
|01:21:13||Hey! Back the fuck up, man,
or I'll beat the shit out of you.|
|01:21:17||- Give me the booze.
- Hey! Back the fuck up.|
|01:21:19||Back the fuck up. Back the fuck up.|
|01:21:23||Please, please, calm down, sir.|
|01:21:50||Get off the bus
or I'm calling the cops.|
|01:21:59||Eat shit, bum.|
|01:22:01||Oh, shit, guys.
We're three blocks away, man.|
|01:22:04||We made it. We made it
with the booze and everything.|
|01:22:06||We made it.|
|01:22:10||I can't believe
you still have the liquor.|
|01:22:15||Yeah, I told you the idea would work.
I fooled those cops.|
|01:22:18||I'm McLovin. I am McLovin.|
|01:22:23||Why do you guys have detergent?|
|01:22:25||I don't understand why you were
smoking cigarettes with those cops.|
|01:22:28||Because I fucking rule.|
|01:22:30||- We are so gonna get laid tonight.
- I am. I'm gonna get laid.|
|01:22:33||We're finally gonna
get our drinks on.|
|01:22:38||I can't believe Becca's bottle broke.|
|01:22:40||- I'm sure it'll be fine.
|01:22:41||I thought you didn't need it.
You were gonna tell her how you feel.|
|01:22:44||Good luck getting Jules drunk enough
to have sex with you.|
|01:22:47||- What's wrong with you guys?
|01:22:49||You two femmes can talk about it
next year at your little slumber party.|
|01:22:53||Oh, you told him.|
|01:22:54||- Told me what?
- Yeah. You're an idiot, Fogell.|
|01:22:57||- Well, we gotta tell him now.
- No, we...|
|01:22:59||Well, he knows something's up.|
|01:23:01||What are you guys talking about?
Tell me now.|
|01:23:04||Seth, me and Evan are
rooming together next year.|
|01:23:06||What's the big deal?|
|01:23:07||"Oh, my God,
Fogell's rooming with Evan."|
|01:23:09||Jeez, why don't you go cry about it?|
|01:23:11||- I didn't tell you because...
- You're a backstabber...|
|01:23:14||...and you lied to your best friend
and you just don't care anymore?|
|01:23:17||I didn't expect this from you, Evan.|
|01:23:20||Not from you.|
|01:23:21||Give me that booze, Fagell.|
|01:23:27||We never should have had to hide
|01:23:40||- Seth's here.
- Seth, you're here.|
|01:23:43||Hi. Everybody, Seth has got it.|
- Gaby, hey.|
|01:24:12||Where have you been?
You almost blew it.|
|01:24:14||- What are you talking about?
- Becca. She's been waiting.|
|01:24:17||She's over there.|
|01:24:19||She's way smashed.|
|01:24:20||And she's been yammering
about you all night.|
|01:24:23||Really? What was she saying?|
|01:24:25||She told you that she thinks
I'm a good guy?|
She said something more like:|
|01:24:30||"I will fully blow him tonight."|
- I know.|
- But she's totally hammered...|
|01:24:41||...and if I get with her
and I'm not drunk, isn't that unethical?|
|01:24:45||Not if you're drunk too.|
|01:24:48||I guess not.|
|01:24:51||- To Seth!
- All right.|
|01:24:53||Who the fuck is Seth?|
|01:24:58||Let's do another one to me.|
|01:25:14||Calm down. Calm down, man.|
|01:25:16||Calm down. She likes you.|
|01:25:19||She wants to suck on your penis.|
|01:25:21||It's a good thing.|
|01:25:23||It's the best thing.|
|01:25:28||Just down the hatch.|
|01:25:57||Fogell. What's up?|
|01:26:46||Evan, hey. Evie, come here.|
|01:26:48||Can you please help me up?|
|01:26:50||I fell down and none of these assholes
will help me up.|
|01:26:57||I have been waiting for you
for, like, ever.|
|01:26:59||- What took you so long?
- I know, it...|
|01:27:01||- Do you have my Goldslick?
- No, I can't even...|
|01:27:04||It's such a crazy story, okay?|
|01:27:06||- I swear I was try...
- It doesn't even matter.|
|01:27:09||Look. Look what we...
We can just drink this.|
|01:27:12||- Here. You could have a drink.
- Oh, no.|
|01:27:14||- I'm already pretty wasted.
- Take a drink.|
|01:27:16||Okay, here's to you.
This is to Becca.|
|01:27:20||- To the respecting...
To people respecting women.|
|01:27:32||You're a lightweight.|
|01:27:37||You and me,
we should go upstairs, because...|
|01:27:40||Because I need to
tell you something. Okay?|
|01:27:45||You could just tell me here,
|01:27:47||I can't tell you, because
it's a secret for you from me.|
|01:27:52||- All right.
- So come. Come on. Okay.|
|01:27:54||- Bye, guys.
|01:28:03||You changed your name
|01:28:08||- That's so cool.
|01:28:11||So, like, what's Hawaii like?|
|01:28:16||All right. I am back.|
|01:28:17||I had to thank the peeps
for coming out, you know.|
|01:28:20||Jules. I want you
to have a drink with me.|
|01:28:23||Just drink some of this.
You're gonna love it.|
I know you're gonna love it.|
|01:28:27||- You know, I...
- It's green beer. For your information.|
|01:28:31||You know, I'm actually good
right now. But thank you.|
|01:28:34||And thank you very much
for bringing everything, again.|
|01:28:37||Seriously, it really made the night.|
|01:28:39||No, that's how I roll.
That's the thing.|
|01:28:42||It's no problems. You'll learn that.|
|01:28:51||I love talking
and conversing with you.|
|01:28:56||But I can't hear you, though,
because the music is so loud.|
|01:28:59||So do you wanna go outside
and talk more?|
|01:29:05||Yeah. Sorry, sure.
You know, why not?|
|01:29:08||Let's do it.
I haven't conversed in ages.|
|01:29:10||- Okay. Ladies... Ladies first.
|01:29:15||- Thank you very much.
- No problem.|
|01:29:17||- Watch your step. I fell earlier today.
- You serious?|
|01:29:19||Well, I was hit by a car.
It's a long story.|
|01:29:22||- Oh, shit. Careful.
- Okay, well...|
|01:29:27||So loud. Don't let the parents hear.|
|01:29:31||You look so pretty.|
|01:29:36||- Are you okay?
- I so flirt with you in math.|
|01:29:40||Tell me about it. I... Samesies.|
|01:29:43||I've wanted to tell you for so long
that you're the best girl.|
|01:29:48||I know. I've wanted to get with you,
like, so hard.|
|01:29:55||Like so hard.|
|01:30:03||You're the best.|
|01:30:05||We'll take this sweater off. I think so.|
|01:30:09||Just be careful, because it's a
meaningful sweater to me. It's vintage.|
|01:30:14||- Bought it at that vintage market.
- Just hurry.|
|01:30:18||- And this one.
- It's off.|
|01:30:20||Hey, wait, careful.|
|01:30:24||- Oh, shit.
- Oh, my.|
|01:30:25||Put that there.|
|01:30:27||- Now, looky, looky...
|01:30:29||...what I got for you under here.
- Oh, my gosh.|
|01:30:31||You are the prettiest girl...|
|01:30:33||...this side of the Mississippi.
- I have a little something...|
|01:30:36||...for you under here.|
|01:30:40||You look so pretty.|
|01:30:41||- Look so pretty.
- Under there.|
|01:30:53||You're the best. You're so unique.|
|01:31:00||Evan, kiss me.|
|01:31:02||I like you so much.|
|01:31:05||Come on, McLovin.|
|01:31:07||I've never been
with an older guy before.|
|01:31:09||Well, it's way better.|
|01:31:13||I know, we made some
kick-ass tiramisu earlier.|
|01:31:15||It was deli... It looked weird.
But it was delicious.|
|01:31:23||What...? What's wrong?|
|01:31:27||I... I would prefer
if we would just do that...|
|01:31:31||...at some other time.|
|01:31:35||No. There is no other time.
School is up.|
|01:31:38||- What's wrong with right now?
- Well, I mean, you're... You're drunk.|
|01:31:43||- You're, like, really, really drunk.
- So? You're drunk. You're drunk, Jules.|
|01:31:47||Yeah, I'm actually...
I'm not drunk at all.|
|01:31:50||I don't even drink, so it's...
|01:31:54||Jules, you drink. You drink.|
You had me get liquor, so you drink.|
|01:32:01||Well, yeah, because
I'm throwing a party, remember?|
|01:32:05||Other people drink
and so I just...|
|01:32:10||You don't wanna, you know?|
|01:32:15||Not right now.|
|01:32:18||You know, not while you're drunk.|
|01:32:22||But, you know, thank you.|
|01:32:29||- Evan. Evan, I'm so wet.
- Oh, yeah.|
|01:32:34||They said that would happen
in health, when I learned about it.|
|01:32:39||- They taught me about...
- Who's down there?|
|01:32:43||Yeah, it's your hand.|
|01:32:49||- Thank you, that's good.
- You have such a smooth cock.|
You would too if you were a man.|
|01:32:55||But you got such a smooth chest.|
|01:32:57||I am gonna give you...|
|01:33:00||...the best blow-J ever...|
|01:33:05||...with my mouth.|
|01:33:07||Why don't we...?
Why don't we just kiss a while?|
|01:33:10||Why don't we keep kissing for a bit,
|01:33:15||How badly do you wanna fuck me?|
|01:33:21||- Hang on one second.
I don't think you wanna do this.|
|01:33:24||- You're really drunk.
- No, I'm not. I am not drunk.|
|01:33:28||- I see that you are. I think you are.
- And I really... I want you inside me.|
|01:33:33||I want you to be my first.
I want you inside me.|
|01:33:35||So just... Just go with it.|
|01:33:38||- Let it happen.
- I know, but...|
|01:33:40||Becca, this is kind of intense.|
|01:33:42||And I just... I'm so drunk.
I can't even, like, process this.|
|01:33:47||And you're really pretty.|
|01:33:49||And I just think
this isn't how I pictured it.|
|01:33:52||I don't understand why you have to be
such a little bitch about it.|
|01:33:57||- Did you just call me a bitch?
- Yes, a scared...|
|01:34:01||See, I, like,
I think we're not thinking clear...|
|01:34:03||Holy shit. Oh, my God.|
|01:34:05||- Go get Gaby.
- I'll go get her.|
|01:34:07||Oh, God. Oh, God.
Go get Gaby, please.|
|01:34:26||- I got a boner.
|01:34:31||- Do you have a condom?
|01:34:43||Are...? Are you crying?|
|01:34:46||No, I just have something
in both my eyes.|
|01:34:49||I don't cry. That's funny.|
|01:34:51||You look... You look...
It looks like you're crying.|
|01:34:57||It was my last chance
and I fucked it up and...|
|01:34:59||Your last chance to do what?|
|01:35:01||To make you
my girlfriend for the summer.|
|01:35:05||You're, like, the coolest person
that's ever talked to me.|
|01:35:08||I thought we'd both be drunk.|
|01:35:10||What does me being drunk
have anything to do with it?|
|01:35:12||You'd never get with me
if you were sober.|
|01:35:15||Look at you.|
|01:35:18||- Look at me.
- Seth, come on, you didn't blow it.|
|01:35:22||I think maybe...|
|01:35:25||What the fuck?!|
|01:35:34||- Someone forgot to call pest control.
|01:35:37||Where you going?
Hey, party's still on.|
|01:35:39||- Where are you going?
|01:35:40||If you're back there, get out.
Everyone, come on.|
|01:35:44||- We will shoot you.
- Party's over.|
- Get the hell out of here.|
|01:35:47||Keep your hands up.|
|01:35:55||Life's bullshit, Miroki.|
|01:36:07||Ev, wake the fuck up, man.|
|01:36:09||We gotta go.
Those fucking cops are here, man.|
|01:36:15||"Oh, no, it's the cops."
We have a complaint.|
|01:36:17||- Evan, come on.
- Get the hell out of here right now.|
|01:36:20||Get out of here.
She's not interested.|
|01:36:22||- Drop the crantini and move it, sister.
- See you, sugar tits.|
|01:36:25||Guys, come on, move.|
Leave the booze and go.|
|01:36:30||What the fuck, man?|
|01:36:32||What the fuck, Seth?|
|01:36:33||He's my best friend. Oh, shit.|
|01:36:36||Oh, shit. Come on.|
|01:36:39||I assume you all have guns
|01:36:44||Oh, my God, come on. Don't stop.|
|01:36:52||...prepare to be fucked
by the long dick of the law.|
|01:36:59||Come on, go.|
|01:37:04||Fuck off, Seth.|
|01:37:08||Get a room.|
|01:37:10||I'm gonna save you.
I'm gonna save you, Evan.|
|01:37:17||Fuck. Fuck, man, so heavy.|
|01:37:35||It's in. Oh, my God, it's in.|
|01:37:38||All right, everybody out.
Come on, let's go.|
|01:37:41||McLovin! What the fuck?|
|01:37:43||- Officer Slater, is that you?
- You ran away from us.|
|01:37:46||Why did you run away?
Michaels, get up here.|
|01:37:48||- No. I didn't run away.
- What the fuck?|
|01:37:50||Why would you do that?|
|01:37:51||- I was disoriented from...
- Were you violating that girl?|
|01:37:54||You just violated her with your penis?
- No, no, no.|
Were you just getting laid?|
|01:38:03||No. Yeah, I was, but...|
|01:38:06||- Yes, yes, he was.
- It's not what you think, guys.|
|01:38:08||- I'm not even...
- Sit the fuck down. Stay down.|
|01:38:10||- Calm down.
- I thought we were friends...|
|01:38:12||...and then you go running away.|
|01:38:16||- We're friends.
- Shut up.|
|01:38:18||- Calm down. Calm down, man.
- Why? What?|
|01:38:20||You just cock-blocked McLovin.
|01:38:22||He's our friend. We don't do that.|
|01:38:24||We should be guiding his cock,
not blocking it.|
|01:38:27||Just relax, okay?
Let's make this right.|
|01:38:39||Wait, what are you...?
What are you guys doing?|
|01:38:41||No, please, I can't... I can't go to jail.
Please, I can't go to jail.|
We're really sorry, McLovin.|
|01:38:48||This has... This has gone on...
This has gone way too far.|
|01:38:52||What? What are you talking about?|
|01:38:55||We know you're not 25, man.
We're not idiots, McLovin.|
- Did you know the whole time?|
|01:39:02||Look, when we were your age,
we hated cops.|
|01:39:07||When we saw you
in the liquor store today, we just...|
|01:39:11||I guess we saw a bit of ourselves,
|01:39:13||...and we just wanted
to show you that...|
|01:39:16||...you know, cops can have
a fun time too, you know?|
|01:39:21||You know, in a way,
I think we wanted to show ourselves.|
|01:39:30||I'm really sorry
that I blocked your cock.|
|01:39:34||- Apology accepted.
- Seriously, man.|
|01:39:38||That feels good.|
|01:39:40||- It feels so good.
- I missed you guys.|
|01:39:42||I just wish we could
make it up to you somehow, man.|
|01:39:45||Well, do you think
you can do me a really big favor?|
|01:39:47||- What is it? Anything.
- Name it.|
|01:39:50||- This kid's fucking crazy.
- Stay back for your own safety.|
|01:39:53||Get off me, you fucking cops.
Get your hands off.|
|01:39:55||Do you know who I am?
|01:39:59||- The joint can't hold me.
- Holy shit, Fogell's a badass.|
|01:40:02||I'm gonna break your glasses,
you fucking cop. You can't hold me.|
|01:40:15||Nice mullet, asshole.|
|01:40:18||- You crazy.
- This kid's crazy.|
Well, we caught the infamous Fogell.|
|01:40:23||Get your hands...
Wait for me, Nicola.|
|01:40:25||Wait for me on the outside.|
|01:40:27||We were gonna go to Hawaii.|
|01:40:30||Man, that's gonna get you
so much ass.|
|01:40:33||- I know what to do about the car.
|01:40:37||Fucking go. Fucking throw up.|
|01:40:45||Are you carrying me?|
|01:40:46||No, I'm saving you from the cops.|
|01:40:49||You saved me?|
|01:40:52||Well, I don't know what
you're talking about, but thanks.|
|01:40:55||Can I... Should I just walk?|
|01:40:57||- Should I walk?
- Yeah, sure.|
- Where do you wanna go?|
|01:41:06||Sleepover at my house?
You wanna come sleep...?|
|01:41:17||Does your mom
still have pizza bagels?|
|01:41:31||So by signing this,
you are officially saying...|
|01:41:34||...that as we stopped you
from being mugged...|
|01:41:37||...a crackhead stole our cruiser
and did God knows what with it.|
|01:41:40||- You cool to sign that?
- Of course. I owe you guys my life.|
|01:41:42||We owe you, Mc...
Wait, what's your real name again?|
- Fuck that.|
|01:41:47||- We're calling you McLovin.
|01:41:49||Let's do this dance, boys.|
|01:42:15||- Oh, my God.
- What did I tell you guys, right?|
|01:42:18||That was crazy.|
|01:42:27||All right, now, guys, check this out.|
|01:42:29||It's probably the greatest move
in doughnut-spinning history.|
|01:42:32||You paying attention?|
|01:42:33||Behold, the upward-spiraling pigtail.|
|01:42:37||- Why is it called that?
- I don't know.|
|01:42:44||Make the badge proud, Slater.|
|01:42:48||He's not usually this drunk
when he does this...|
|01:42:51||...but I think
that could make it more cool.|
- Officer Slater.|
|01:43:26||All right. Fucking crazy.|
|01:43:30||Let's do this.|
|01:43:31||- Hurry, hurry. Let's go. Go, go.
- I'm going, I'm going, I'm going.|
|01:43:36||- I'm out, I'm out.
- Good, here we go, here we go.|
|01:43:38||Yeah? Yeah, okay. Back up.|
|01:43:41||Don't blow yourself up, asshole.|
|01:43:48||Yes. Oh, my God.|
|01:43:52||It worked. It worked.|
|01:43:55||We won. We won.|
|01:44:07||Can we shoot at it?|
|01:44:10||I don't know. Can you?|
|01:44:32||Break yourself, fool.|
|01:44:42||Listen, and then she said
she was gonna give me a blow-J.|
|01:44:45||- I can't believe she said that to you.
- Man, you have no idea.|
|01:44:49||- What was she thinking?
- You don't even know.|
|01:44:59||I gotta tell you.
I gotta tell you something, Evan.|
|01:45:05||I was in your room, like,
three weeks ago...|
|01:45:07||...while you were taking a shit.|
|01:45:10||And I saw your housing, like, forms.|
|01:45:15||So I knew you and Fogell
were gonna live together, you know.|
|01:45:20||I'm sorry, man, I don't know.|
|01:45:24||I should've told you.
I don't know why I didn't.|
|01:45:28||Don't... No, don't be sorry.
I should be sorry.|
|01:45:31||I was being a dick.
I was being a big dick to you.|
|01:45:36||Listen, Seth, I want you to know,
I don't wanna live with Fogell.|
|01:45:40||I never wanted to live with him.
I just don't... I ha...|
|01:45:46||I'm afraid to live with strangers.|
|01:45:52||I can't do it.|
|01:45:55||I know, I know.|
|01:45:59||I can't believe you saved me.|
|01:46:04||You saved me.|
|01:46:06||I can't believe. I owe you so...|
|01:46:10||You carried me. I love you.|
|01:46:15||I love you, man.|
|01:46:19||I love you.|
|01:46:22||I love you. I'm not even
embarrassed to say it. I just...|
|01:46:27||I lo... I love you.|
|01:46:29||- I'm not embarrassed.
- I love you.|
|01:46:31||I love you.|
|01:46:33||Why don't we say that every day?
Why can't we say it more often?|
|01:46:36||I just love you. I just wanna
go to the rooftops and scream:|
|01:46:38||"I love my best friend, Evan."|
|01:46:40||- We should go up on my roof.
- For sure.|
|01:46:44||Like, when you went away for Easter,
on your vacation, I missed you.|
|01:46:50||- I missed you too.
- I want the world to know.|
|01:46:54||It's... It's the most beautiful thing
in the world.|
|01:47:02||Come here. Come here, man.|
|01:47:16||- I love you.
- I love you.|
|01:47:32||What the fuck?|
|01:47:41||- What up?
- Morning. Morning.|
|01:47:47||I should get moving.
I should get moving.|
|01:47:49||I should be getting
a move on, for sure.|
|01:47:52||Yeah, you don't...
I mean, you don't have to, you know.|
|01:47:55||I don't really have anything
|01:47:58||You don't have to rush off like that.|
|01:48:04||You wanna hang out?|
|01:48:07||I was gonna go to the mall.|
|01:48:09||I have to get a new comforter.|
The mall, they would sell that.|
|01:48:19||...your mom's got huge tits.|
|01:48:24||What do you think?|
|01:48:25||I don't know, man. Don't ask me.|
|01:48:27||Because I don't give a shit
how pants look.|
|01:48:30||Yeah, I need someone's opinion.|
|01:48:33||Those are too tight.
Those are way too tight.|
|01:48:36||- Yeah, but, like...
- Way too tight. You need to upgrade.|
|01:48:39||There's not enough pants where
there should be. More pants.|
I mean, does it look weird?|
|01:48:44||Looks like you're standing funny. You
wouldn't stand like that. Like a duck.|
|01:48:48||Yeah, but I'm doing like...|
|01:48:50||- I'm doing the college poses like...
- I don't know if you are.|
|01:48:53||- You might just be doing...
- Hey, prof.|
- That test was...|
|01:48:58||Hey, Susan. Are you gonna
party tonight or no?|
|01:49:02||Yeah, but that's just... It's like I wish
there were more pants where...|
|01:49:06||You know, where there aren't.|
|01:49:07||But when I was wearing
your dad's pants...|
|01:49:09||...I realized that if I wear pants
that are a little too small...|
|01:49:12||...it might encourage me
to lose weight.|
chicks can kind of see, like...|
|01:49:16||...you know, the borders
and outline of my dick a little.|
|01:49:19||Yeah, man, they go nuts for that.
The male camel toe.|
|01:49:22||Yeah, the camel tail. It's right...|
|01:49:25||I know where it is, where it happens.|
|01:49:27||Like, right there.|
|01:49:29||It's like they're so tight that one ball is,
like, above my dick, even.|
|01:49:33||- Yeah, exactly.
- It's like three.|
|01:49:35||It's like a three thing.
It's like ball, dick, ball.|
|01:49:38||It's like a division sign.|
|01:49:39||Like a bunch of people
crammed into a van.|
|01:49:42||- Making my ass look weird?
- It makes a lot of stuff look weird.|
|01:49:46||No, those are way too tight.|
|01:49:48||You're right, these look stupid.
Let's get the fuck out of here.|
|01:49:51||I'm really sorry about that.
I can't believe I actually did that.|
|01:49:55||I feel bad that I'm making you
buy me a new one.|
|01:49:57||It's seems, like, ridiculous.|
|01:49:58||- No. I have to, it's puke. It's gross.
- Oh, my God.|
|01:50:03||Do alcoholics get hangovers?|
|01:50:05||Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit.
|01:50:09||- What the fuck do we do, man?
- Don't stop. I don't know.|
|01:50:18||How's it going?|
|01:50:22||It's so good to...
How are you feeling?|
|01:50:25||I've felt better. But I'll be fine.
How about you?|
|01:50:30||I'm okay, you know, yeah.
Did you have fun last night?|
I actually don't remember much.|
|01:50:40||I don't remember anything.|
|01:50:43||- So weird.
|01:50:46||I didn't puke on you, did I?|
I remember that you... I avoided it.|
|01:50:52||It whizzed right by me, and I said,
"Stay away from me," you know.|
|01:50:56||I'm really sorry about
everything last night, and I just...|
|01:51:04||Thank you for being
such a nice guy about it all.|
|01:51:07||That's okay, you know.|
|01:51:09||At least you don't have
a black eye from it.|
|01:51:15||- That looks terrible.
|01:51:19||You look great. You don't look terrible.
It's just, like, a bad bruise.|
|01:51:24||Everything's great, just from he...
This, just like right there.|
|01:51:27||- Your eye.
- Yeah, your eye.|
|01:51:28||Everything else is great.|
I acted like a fucking idiot last night.|
|01:51:37||You don't deserve that.
So I'm sorry.|
|01:51:42||On the upside,
I think you look cool with a black eye.|
|01:51:46||I'm just gonna throw that out there.
I don't... I don't know.|
|01:51:49||Well, thank you, smart guy.
Thanks. That's actually why I'm here.|
|01:51:54||Because I have to get
a ton of cover-up for the grad photo.|
|01:51:57||Oh, man. Fuck.|
|01:52:00||And I'm gonna get Jules
a new comforter.|
|01:52:02||I have to get a comforter too.
|01:52:05||- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah, I just figured I would need one.|
|01:52:11||So do you wanna come
buy me cover-up or something?|
|01:52:15||I mean, you kind of owe me.|
I would love to do that.|
|01:52:22||I had such bad acne last year...|
|01:52:24||...that I pretty much became,
like, an expert on the stuff.|
|01:52:28||Well, you drove.
Evan drove me here, though, so...|
Well, I mean, I have my dad's car.|
|01:52:33||So I could just give you a lift...|
|01:52:36||...and then Evan
could take Becca home.|
|01:52:38||If that works.
I don't know if it's in your route.|
|01:52:41||It'd be fine with me.|
Maybe we can get some food.|
|01:52:46||Yeah, I'd like that.|
|01:52:50||So I guess I'll call you, then.|
|01:52:52||Yeah, give me a call.
Yeah, you have my number.|
|01:52:55||I have your information.
So put her there.|
|01:52:58||Perfect. Good. All right, man.|
- Okay, guys.|
- Bye, guys.|
|01:53:04||- Bye, have fun.
- See you, Jules.|
|01:53:06||Yeah, that's funny. Too funny.|
|01:53:09||Where do you wanna go to eat?|
|01:53:13||So can you honestly help me figure out
what kind of cover-up to get?|
|01:58:24||I love you.|