Office Space

00:02:41Have you seen... I was told that if...
00:02:43I was late again I would be summarily dismissed.
00:03:35Mmm. No, no.
00:03:54Just a moment.
00:03:56Corporate accounts payable. Nina speaking.
00:03:59Just a moment.
00:04:02Corporate accounts payable. Nina speaking.
00:04:04Just a moment.
00:04:07Corporate accounts payable. Nina speaking.
00:04:10Just a moment.
00:04:12Corporate accounts payable. Nina speaking.
00:04:15Just a moment.
00:04:17Corporate accounts payable. Nina speaking.
00:04:20Hello, Peter. What's happening?
00:04:22Ahh... we have sort of a problem here.
00:04:25Yeah. You apparently didn't put...
00:04:28one of the new cover sheets on your T.P.S. Reports.
00:04:30Oh, yeah. I'm sorry about that. L... I forgot.
00:04:34Mmm... yeah.
00:04:36You see, we're putting the cover sheets...
00:04:37on all T.P.S. Reports now before they go out.
00:04:40Did you see the memo about this?
00:04:43Yeah. Yeah, I have the memo right here.
00:04:47I just, uh, forgot...
00:04:48but, uh, it's not shipping out till tomorrow...
00:04:51so there's no problem.
00:04:54If you could just go ahead and make sure...
00:04:55you do that from now on, that would be great...
00:04:59and, uh, I'll go ahead and make sure...
00:05:01you get another copy of that memo, OK?
00:05:03No. I have the memo. I've got it... lt's right...
00:05:06Hello, Phil. What's happening?
00:05:10I came by here yesterday...
00:05:13Four teams out on the Spanish point...
00:05:16discovered a shipwreck off the coast...
00:05:20Hi. Uh...
00:05:21could you turn that down just a little bit?
00:05:24But I was told that I could listen...
00:05:26to the radio at a reasonable volume from 9:00 to 11:00.
00:05:29Yeah. I know you're allowed to.
00:05:31I was just thinkin' maybe like a personal favour.
00:05:35Well, l... l...I told Bill if Sandra's going to...
00:05:38listen to her headphones while she's filing...
00:05:42then I should be able to listen to the radio...
00:05:43while I'm collating...
00:05:45so I don't see why I should have to turn down the radio.
00:05:47Yeah. All right. OK.
00:05:48I enjoy listening at a reasonable volume...
00:05:52From 9:00 to 11:00.
00:05:53Hi, Peter.
00:05:54What's happening?
00:05:57We need to talk about your T.P.S. Reports.
00:05:59Yeah. The cover sheet. I know. I know.
00:06:02Bill talked to me about it.
00:06:03Yeah. Did you get that memo?
00:06:05Yeah, I got the memo, and I understand the policy...
00:06:08and the problem is just that I forgot the one time...
00:06:10and I've already taken care of it...
00:06:12so it's not even really a problem anymore.
00:06:14Ah! Yeah.
00:06:17It's just we're putting new cover sheets...
00:06:19on all the T.P.S. Reports before they go out now...
00:06:21so if you could go ahead and try to remember...
00:06:23to do that from now on, that'd be great.
00:06:26All right!
00:06:32Just a moment.
00:06:35Corporate accounts payable. Nina speaking.
00:06:38Peter Gibbons.
00:06:41Corporate accounts payable. Nina speaking.
00:06:43Just a moment.
00:06:44I have the memo.
00:06:48No. Not again. L...
00:06:50Why does it say paper jam when there is no paper jam?
00:06:52I swear to God, one of these days...
00:06:54I just kick this piece of shit out the window.
00:06:57You and me both, man.
00:06:59That thing is lucky I'm not armed.
00:07:03Piece of shit.
00:07:04PEGG "Samir...
00:07:10- No. Thanks. - Unh-huh!
00:07:14"Michael... Bolton"?
00:07:17That's me.
00:07:18Wow! Is that your real name?
00:07:20Yeah. Ahem.
00:07:22So are you related to that singer guy?
00:07:25No. It's just a coincidence.
00:07:29No one in this country can pronounce my name right.
00:07:33It's not that hard.
00:07:35"Na-ee" and then "anajaad." Nayanajaad.
00:07:37At least your name isn't Michael Bolton.
00:07:40You know, there's nothing wrong with that name.
00:07:42There was nothing wrong with it...
00:07:44until I was about twelve years old...
00:07:46and that no-talent ass clown became famous...
00:07:48and started winning Grammys.
00:07:50Well, why don't you just go by Mike instead of Michael?
00:07:54Why should I change? He's the one who sucks.
00:07:57Hey, guys.
00:07:58What's up, G?
00:08:00Wanna go to Chotchkie's, get some coffee?
00:08:02Oh, it's a little early.
00:08:03I gotta get outta here. I think I'm gonna lose it.
00:08:06PEGG Uh-oh.
00:08:07Sounds like somebody's got a case of the Mondays.
00:08:15Boy, I tell ya, some days.
00:08:17One of these days, it's just gonna be like...
00:08:22Heh heh heh!
00:08:23So, can I get you gentlemen something more to drink...
00:08:25or maybe something to nibble on...
00:08:26some pizza shooters, shrimp poppers, or extreme fajitas?
00:08:29- Just coffee. - OK!
00:08:31Sounds like a case of the Mondays.
00:08:37What if we're still doin' this when we're fifty?
00:08:41It would be nice to have that kind of job security.
00:08:45Lumbergh's gonna have me work on Saturday.
00:08:47I can tell already.
00:08:49I'm gonna end up doin' it, because, uh...
00:08:51because I'm a big pussy...
00:08:53which is why I work at Initech to begin with.
00:08:55Uh, yeah, well, I work at Initech...
00:08:56and I don't consider myself a pussy, OK?
00:08:59Yes. I am also not a pussy.
00:09:01They're gonna find out the hard way I'm not a pussy...
00:09:03if they don't start treating their software people better.
00:09:05That's right.
00:09:06They don't understand.
00:09:08I could program a virus that'd rip that place off big time.
00:09:12Big time.
00:09:16There she is.
00:09:18Peter, you know, you always talk about this girl.
00:09:22If you're so obsessed with her, why don't you just ask her out?
00:09:24Oh, I can't do that.
00:09:26I'm just another asshole customer.
00:09:28You can't just walk up to a waitress and ask her out.
00:09:30Besides, I'm still trying to work it out with Anne.
00:09:33Oh, that reminds me. I can't play poker on Friday.
00:09:36Why not?
00:09:38I'm gonna see this occupational hypnotherapist with Anne.
00:09:42Dude, an occupational hypnotherapist?
00:09:44I know. Anne wants me to go.
00:09:47She thinks it might help.
00:09:51You know, sometimes I think that...
00:09:53I get thinking that she's cheating on me.
00:09:56Yeah. I know what you mean.
00:10:00What is that supposed to mean?
00:10:05Why don't you just tell Anne that you're not into hypnosis...
00:10:07and you wanna play poker with us?
00:10:08I can't do that. She'll get all pissed off...
00:10:10and, besides, I think the guy might actually be able to help.
00:10:14I mean, he did help Anne lose weight.
00:10:17Peter, she's anorexic.
00:10:18Yeah, I know.
00:10:20The guy's really good.
00:10:22Yeah, well, I don't think any occupational hypnotherapist...
00:10:25is gonna help you solve any of your problems.
00:10:27Hey, and speaking of problems...
00:10:29what's this I hear about you having problems...
00:10:30with your T.P.S. Reports?
00:10:31Yeah. Didn't you get that memo?
00:10:36Hey! Hey, guys! Peter!
00:10:38Is that Smykowski?
00:10:40- Samir! - What's he doing?
00:10:42Oh, probably workin' on another heart attack.
00:10:43I've been lookin' all over for you guys!
00:10:45Have you seen this? I knew it. I knew it.
00:10:48What? It's a staff meeting. So what?
00:10:50So what? We're all screwed. That's what.
00:10:53They're gonna downsize Initech.
00:10:54What are you talking about? How do you know that?
00:10:57How do I know? They're bringing in a consultant.
00:10:59That's how I know.
00:11:00That's what this staff meeting's all about.
00:11:02It happened at Initrode last year.
00:11:04You have to interview with this consultant.
00:11:06They call them efficiency experts...
00:11:07but what you're really doing...
00:11:09is interviewing for your own job.
00:11:10Every week you say you're gonna lose your job...
00:11:11and you're still here.
00:11:13Not this time. I bet I'm the first one laid off.
00:11:15The thought of having to go to the state unemployment office...
00:11:17and stand in line with those scumbags...
00:11:22You know there are people in this world...
00:11:24that don't have to put up with all this shit?
00:11:26Like that guy that invented the pet rock.
00:11:29You see, that's what you have to do.
00:11:33You have to use your mind...
00:11:35and come up with some really great idea like that...
00:11:37and you can make millions... Never have to work again.
00:11:39You think the pet rock was a really great idea?
00:11:42Sure it was.
00:11:44The guy made a million dollars.
00:11:48You know, I had an idea like that once...
00:11:51a long time ago.
00:11:54Really? What was it, Tom?
00:11:56Well, all right.
00:11:58It was a "Jump to Conclusions" mat.
00:12:03You see, it would be this mat...
00:12:06that you would put on the floor...
00:12:08and it would have different conclusions written on it...
00:12:12that you could jump to.
00:12:20That is the worst idea I've ever heard in my life, Tom.
00:12:22Yes. Yes, it's horrible, this idea.
00:12:28Uh, look...
00:12:30I gotta get outta here.
00:12:32I'll see you guys later...
00:12:33if I still have a job.
00:12:37Our high school guidance counsellor...
00:12:39used to ask us what you would do if you had a million dollars...
00:12:41didn't have to work...
00:12:42and whatever you'd say was supposed to be your career.
00:12:46So if you wanted to fix old cars...
00:12:47then you're supposed to be an auto mechanic.
00:12:49So what did you say?
00:12:50I never had an answer.
00:12:53I guess that's why I'm working at Initech.
00:12:55No. You're working at Initech...
00:12:57'cause that question is bullshit to begin with.
00:12:59If everyone listened to her, there'd be no janitors...
00:13:00because no one would clean shit if they had a million dollars.
00:13:03You know what I would do if I had a million dollars?
00:13:05I would invest half of it in glorious mutual funds...
00:13:09and then take the other half to my friend Asadulah...
00:13:11who works in securities...
00:13:12Samir. Samir, you're missing the point.
00:13:14The point of the exercise is you're supposed to figure out...
00:13:16what you would want to do if...
00:13:20"PC load letter"? What the fuck does that mean?
00:13:45Hey, Peter, man! Check out channel nine!
00:13:48Check out this chick!
00:13:49Damn it! Lawrence, can't you just pretend...
00:13:51like we can't hear each other through the wall?
00:13:53Oh, sorry, man! Anne over there or somethin'?
00:13:56No, but...
00:13:58If you want to talk to me, just come over.
00:14:04Hey, man, check this out, dude.
00:14:09The key is early detection.
00:14:12Tumours that are detected...
00:14:13Aw, jeez, Lawrence.
00:14:15Sorry, man. I thought you'd want to see this.
00:14:18Doesn't that chick look like Anne?
00:14:21A little bit. I...
00:14:22Hey, she hasn't been over here in a while.
00:14:24You two still goin' out?
00:14:27I guess. L... I don't know.
00:14:29Sometimes I get the feeling like she's cheating on me.
00:14:31Yeah. I get that feeling, too, man.
00:14:35What do you mean by that?
00:14:36I don't know, man.
00:14:39I just get that feeling lookin' at her, like...
00:14:41she's the type of chick that just...
00:14:49Oh, I'm sorry, man. Look, l... l...
00:14:51You know, I'm talkin' outta my ass.
00:14:53Forget it. Don't worry. It's all right.
00:14:54Just... I had a rough day.
00:14:56Tell me about it, man.
00:15:00Ooh, I gotta wake my ass up...
00:15:02at six a. m. Every day this week...
00:15:05drag up to Las Golindas.
00:15:08I'm doin' the drywall up there at the new McDonald's.
00:15:11Let me ask you something.
00:15:13When you come in on Monday, and you're not feelin' real well...
00:15:16does anyone ever say to you...
00:15:17"Sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays"?
00:15:23No, man.
00:15:26Shit, no, man.
00:15:27You'd get your ass kicked, sayin' something like that, man.
00:15:32We still goin' fishin' this weekend?
00:15:33Ah, Lumbergh's gonna have me come in on Saturday.
00:15:35I just know it.
00:15:37Well, you can get out of that easily.
00:15:38Yeah? How?
00:15:42when a boss wants you to work on Saturday...
00:15:44he generally asks you at the end of the day, right?
00:15:48So all you gotta do is avoid him... that's all right...
00:15:50I got it... on the last few hours on Friday...
00:15:52duck out early...
00:15:54turn off your answering machine...
00:15:56you should be home free, man.
00:16:00That's a really good idea.
00:16:03Fuckin' "A," man.
00:16:05Lawrence, what would you do if you had a million dollars?
00:16:10I'll tell you what I'd do, man.
00:16:13Two chicks at the same time, man.
00:16:19That's it?
00:16:21If you had a million dollars...
00:16:22you'd do two chicks at the same time?
00:16:24Damn straight. I've always wanted to do that, man.
00:16:27I think if I were a millionaire, I could hook that up, too...
00:16:30'cause chicks dig dudes with money.
00:16:32Well, not all chicks.
00:16:33The type of chicks that would double up on a dude like me do.
00:16:36Good point.
00:16:37What about you, now? What would you do?
00:16:39Besides two chicks at the same time?
00:16:41Well, yeah.
00:16:44Nothin', huh?
00:16:46I would relax.
00:16:48I would sit on my ass all day.
00:16:52I would do nothing.
00:16:53You don't need a million dollars to do nothin', man.
00:16:56Take a look at my cousin.
00:16:58He's broke, don't do shit.
00:17:03Corporate accounts payable. Nina speaking.
00:17:06Just a moment.
00:17:07Corporate accounts payable. Nina speaking.
00:17:10Just a moment.
00:17:12Corporate accounts payable. Nina speaking.
00:17:14Just a moment.
00:17:16So, you should ask yourself...
00:17:18with every decision you make...
00:17:21"Is this good for the company?
00:17:23"Am I helping with..."
00:17:25Is that the guy?
00:17:26Yeah. We're screwed.
00:17:29OK, then, um...
00:17:32I'd like to go ahead and welcome, uh...
00:17:35a new member to our team here.
00:17:37This is, uh...
00:17:40Bob Slydell.
00:17:43Yeah. Uh...
00:17:45Bob is a consultant.
00:17:48Yeah. He's gonna be sort of, uh...
00:17:52helping us out...
00:17:54a little here...
00:17:55asking some questions...
00:17:57maybe seeing if there are some ways...
00:17:58we can make things run a little more smoothly...
00:18:01around here.
00:18:05Oh, and remember, next Friday...
00:18:07is Hawaiian shirt day.
00:18:11So, you know, if you want to, go ahead and, uh...
00:18:15wear a Hawaiian shirt and jeans.
00:18:18And I said I don't care if they lay me off, either.
00:18:21Because I told Bill...
00:18:22that if they move my desk one more time...
00:18:25then I'm... I'm quitting. I'm going to quit...
00:18:28and I told Dom, too...
00:18:29because they've moved my desk four times already this year...
00:18:32and I used to be over by the window...
00:18:35and I could see the squirrels, and they were married...
00:18:38but then they switched from the Swingline...
00:18:40to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler...
00:18:43because it didn't bind up as much...
00:18:45and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler.
00:18:47OK, Milton.
00:18:48No, it's not OK, because if they make me...
00:18:51If they take my stapler, then I'll... I'll... I'll...
00:18:54I'll set the building on fire.
00:18:57OK, well, that sounds great.
00:18:59Uh, I'll talk to you later, all right? Bye.
00:19:41Come on.
00:19:45Oh, for cryin'...
00:20:09Hello, Peter. What's happening?
00:20:13I'm gonna need you...
00:20:15to go ahead and come in tomorrow...
00:20:17so if you could be here around...
00:20:21nine, that would be great.
00:20:27Oh, oh, and I almost forgot.
00:20:31I'm also gonna need you to go ahead and come in...
00:20:33on Sunday, too, OK?
00:20:36We, um...
00:20:38Iost some people this week...
00:20:40and, uh...
00:20:42we need to sort of play catch-up.
00:20:49So I was sitting in my cubicle today...
00:20:51and I realised, ever since I started working, um...
00:20:56every single day of my life has been worse than...
00:20:59the day before it.
00:21:01So that means that every single day that you see me...
00:21:06that's on the worst day of my life.
00:21:08What about today?
00:21:10Is today the worst day of your life?
00:21:11- Yeah. - Wow. That's messed up.
00:21:17I'm sorry.
00:21:18Go on.
00:21:20Is there any way that you could sort of...
00:21:23just zonk me out so that, like, I don't know...
00:21:26that I'm at work... in here?
00:21:29Could I come home...
00:21:30and think that I've been fishing all day or something?
00:21:34That's... really not what I do, Peter.
00:21:40the good news is, I think I can help you.
00:21:44I want you to do something for me, Peter.
00:21:47I want you to try and relax.
00:21:53I want you to relax every muscle in your body...
00:21:56beginning with your toes to your fingertips.
00:22:03Now I want you to relax your legs.
00:22:07You're beginning to feel your eyelids getting heavy...
00:22:11as you slip deeper and deeper...
00:22:13into a state of complete relaxation.
00:22:16All your cares and concerns are disappearing.
00:22:20Deeper and deeper.
00:22:22Way down.
00:22:24Your concern about your job...
00:22:27melts away...
00:22:31way down.
00:22:37Now, when I count backwards from three...
00:22:39you'll be in a state of complete relaxation.
00:22:42Your worries, cares, and inhibitions will be gone...
00:22:46and you will remain in that state...
00:22:49until I snap my fingers.
00:22:53Deeper and deeper.
00:22:56way down.
00:23:00Deeper and deeper...
00:23:02W-w-w-way down...
00:23:07Whu... whu...
00:23:12Oh, my God! Dr. Swanson!
00:23:16Ew... ew...
00:23:18- Is he breathing? - Call 911!
00:23:19Oh! Where's the phone? Where's the goddamn phone?
00:23:58Yeah, hi, it's Bill Lumbergh.
00:24:00It's about...
00:24:01ten o'clock.
00:24:03Yeah. Just, uh...
00:24:05wondering where you are.
00:24:09Yeah. Hi. It's Bill Lumbergh again.
00:24:13I just wanted to make sure you knew...
00:24:14that we did start at the, uh...
00:24:17usual time this morning.
00:24:19Yeah. It isn't a half day or anything like that...
00:24:23so if you could just go ahead...
00:24:25and get here as soon as possible...
00:24:27that would be terrific.
00:24:48Yeah. Hi. It's Bill Lum...
00:24:50Yeah. It's... Yeah. Hi. It's Bill Lumber...
00:24:54Yeah. It's me again.
00:24:56Uh, I was away from my desk for a minute.
00:24:59Just checking in.
00:25:04Peter, what's going on?
00:25:07It's three-thirty. Why aren't you at work?
00:25:11Because l... l...
00:25:13I didn't feel like it.
00:25:15Peter, what's gotten into you?
00:25:16First, you just sit there while Dr. Swanson dies...
00:25:18then you walk out and embarrass me in front of my friends...
00:25:21and don't blame this on hypnosis, either.
00:25:23That's total bull...
00:25:31Listen, asshole. Nobody hangs up on me.
00:25:33We're through.
00:25:35Oh, and one more thing...
00:25:37I've been cheating on you!
00:25:44So, from now on, only use the new time sheets...
00:25:47if you've worked on two or more job codes in one day...
00:25:51and you need the extra columns to fit it all in.
00:25:54Otherwise, use the old time sheets...
00:25:56Where's Peter?
00:25:57I heard he didn't show up this weekend.
00:25:59Uh, I don't know.
00:26:00...really, really help us out.
00:26:02Who's that guy?
00:26:03So, uh... any questions?
00:26:20Hi. I'm Peter.
00:26:22Hi. Can I help you?
00:26:23What are you doin' for lunch today?
00:26:24Uh, well, our specials today are blackened chicken.
00:26:28It's actually right there on the board. Excuse me.
00:26:33Hey, look who's back!
00:26:35Table for three to...
00:26:39I was askin' what you were doin' for lunch.
00:26:41Would you like to have lunch with me?
00:26:45Are you... are you serious?
00:26:48Yeah. L... I don't think I'm supposed to do that.
00:26:52Oh. OK, well, I'll tell you what I'll do.
00:26:54I'm gonna go next door and get a table...
00:26:56and if you'd like to join me, uh...
00:26:58no big deal, all right?
00:26:59And if not, that's cool, too.
00:27:01- OK? - OK.
00:27:02All right.
00:27:04When you say, "next door..."
00:27:06do you mean Chili's or Flinger's?
00:27:12What you do at Initech...
00:27:15is you take the specifications from the customers...
00:27:18and you bring them down to the software engineers?
00:27:20Yes. Y-yes. That's... that's right.
00:27:22Well, then I just have to ask...
00:27:24why couldn't the customers...
00:27:25just take them directly to the software people, huh?
00:27:29Well, I'll tell you why.
00:27:32Uh, because...
00:27:34engineers are not good at dealing with customers.
00:27:37Uh-huh. So...
00:27:40you physically take the specs from the customer?
00:27:48no. My secretary does that or the fax.
00:27:53So then you must physically bring them...
00:27:55to the software people.
00:28:00I mean...
00:28:03What... what would you say you do here?
00:28:08Well, look, I already told you.
00:28:10I deal with the goddamn customers...
00:28:13so the engineers don't have to.
00:28:15I have people skills.
00:28:17I am good at dealing with people!
00:28:19Can't you understand that?
00:28:20What the hell is wrong with you people?
00:28:31Let's see...
00:28:32you are...
00:28:37- Bolton? - Yeah.
00:28:41Is that your real name?
00:28:46Are you any relation to the pop singer?
00:28:48No, it's... it's just a coincidence.
00:28:50Ha ha. To be honest with you...
00:28:52I love his music. I do.
00:28:54- I'm a Michael Bolton fan. - Me, too.
00:28:56For my money, I don't know if it gets any better...
00:28:57than when he sings "When a Man Loves a Woman."
00:29:00But you must really love his music, huh?
00:29:05Yeah, he's... he's...
00:29:06he's pretty... He's pretty good, I guess.
00:29:08You're goddamn right, he is.
00:29:12So tell me, what's your favourite song of his?
00:29:20I don't... I don't know. Heh heh.
00:29:22I mean, I guess I sort of like them all.
00:29:24That's a riot. I'm the exact same way.
00:29:27But it must be twice as hard for you...
00:29:29being you have the same name as him.
00:29:30I celebrate the guy's entire catalogue.
00:29:33Anyway, let's get down to business, Michael.
00:29:36You know, you can just call me Mike.
00:29:48I wonder if I'm allowed to, uh, wear this in here?
00:29:52I think it would be OK.
00:29:55Would you like to sit down?
00:30:02This place is really... nice.
00:30:05Yeah. Is it?
00:30:07Yeah, my God, compared to Chotchkie's!
00:30:10I like the uniforms better, anyways.
00:30:13I like yours.
00:30:18"We're not in Kansas anymore."
00:30:22Really. Ha ha.
00:30:25It's on your...
00:30:27Ohh! Yeah. That's...
00:30:30That's, uh...
00:30:32That's one of my... My pieces of flair.
00:30:35What's a "piece of flair"?
00:30:36Oh, it's, uh, where, you know...
00:30:38like these suspenders and, uh, buttons, they're all sort of...
00:30:41We're actually required to wear...
00:30:44um, fifteen pieces of flair.
00:30:47It's really stupid, actually.
00:30:49Do you get to pick 'em yourself?
00:30:50Yeah, yeah, we do.
00:30:52Although I didn't actually choose these.
00:30:53I just sort of grabbed, you know, fifteen buttons.
00:30:57I don't even know what they say. I don't really care.
00:31:01I don't really like talking about my flair.
00:31:04So, where do you, work, Peter?
00:31:09And... Yeah? What... what do you do there?
00:31:11I sit in a cubicle...
00:31:13and I update bank software for the 2000 switch.
00:31:18What's that?
00:31:19Well, see, they wrote all this bank software...
00:31:21and, uh, to save space...
00:31:23they used two digits for the date instead of four.
00:31:25So like 98 instead of 1998.
00:31:28Uh, so I go through these thousands of lines of code...
00:31:31and, uh... It doesn't really matter.
00:31:34I, uh, I don't like my job, and, uh...
00:31:37I don't think I'm gonna go anymore.
00:31:41You're just not gonna go?
00:31:43Won't you get fired?
00:31:45I don't know.
00:31:46But I really don't like it, and, uh, I'm not gonna go.
00:31:51So you're gonna quit?
00:31:53Nah-uh. Not really. Uh...
00:31:56I'm just gonna stop going.
00:32:01Uh, when did you decide all that?
00:32:03About an hour ago.
00:32:04- Oh, really? - Yeah.
00:32:06An hour ago.
00:32:08So you're gonna get another job?
00:32:10I don't think I'd like another job.
00:32:12Well, what are you going to do about money and bills and...
00:32:16You know, I've never really liked paying bills.
00:32:19I don't think I'm gonna do that, either.
00:32:23well, so what do you want to do?
00:32:25I want to take you out to dinner...
00:32:27and then I want to go back to my apartment and watch "Kung Fu."
00:32:30Do you ever watch "Kung Fu"?
00:32:33I love "Kung Fu."
00:32:35- Channel 39. - Totally.
00:32:37You should come over and watch "Kung Fu" tonight.
00:32:39- OK. - Great.
00:32:41OK. Can we order lunch first?
00:32:44- Yeah. - OK.
00:33:01Took a stapler off my desk...
00:33:09Anyway, sounds great, Bob. See you in a few.
00:33:15Hi, Milton. What's happening?
00:33:19I'm going to have to ask you to go ahead...
00:33:21and move your desk again, so...
00:33:23if you could go ahead and get it as far back...
00:33:26against that wall as possible...
00:33:28that would be great.
00:33:29No, because I was...
00:33:31That way, we'll have some room...
00:33:33for some of these boxes and things...
00:33:34we need to put in here, and, uh...
00:33:38Oh. Oh, there it is.
00:33:41Here, let me just go ahead and get that from you.
00:33:48So if you could just get to that as soon as possible...
00:33:52that would be terrific, OK?
00:33:55Thanks a bunch, Milton. Good-bye.
00:34:01I could set the building on fire.
00:34:06- Peter. - Michael.
00:34:08What the hell's going on, man?
00:34:10I thought you'd come in here and start shooting.
00:34:12No. I just came to get my address book.
00:34:14I'm not gonna stay.
00:34:15I got a phone number, Mike, that I don't wanna lose.
00:34:17What? Peter, you're in deep shit.
00:34:19You were supposed to come in Saturday. What were you doing?
00:34:22Michael, I did nothing.
00:34:25I did absolutely nothing...
00:34:26and it was everything that I thought it could be.
00:34:29I hope you have a better story for Lumbergh.
00:34:32You're supposed to be at your interview with the consultants.
00:34:35The who?
00:34:36The consultants. What has gotten into you?
00:34:40Oh, yeah... right.
00:34:44Wait, Peter. You gotta postpone it, man.
00:34:47Tell 'em you've been sick. Make something up.
00:34:48Oh, no way. No, I feel great.
00:34:51It's the best day of my life.
00:34:55Next batter looks like a Peter Gibbons.
00:34:58Ah, there you are. We were just talking about you.
00:35:01You must be Peter Gibbons.
00:35:02Uh-huh. Terrific.
00:35:04I'm Bob Slydell. This is my associate Bob Porter.
00:35:06Oh, hi, Bob. Bob.
00:35:08Grab a seat and join us for a minute or two.
00:35:12You see, what we're actually trying to do here...
00:35:14is we're just, we're trying to get a feel...
00:35:17for how people spend their day at work.
00:35:19So if you would...
00:35:20would you walk us through a typical day for you?
00:35:25- Yeah. - Great.
00:35:28Well, I generally come in at least fifteen minutes late.
00:35:31Uh, I use the side door.
00:35:34That way Lumbergh can't see me.
00:35:37And after that, I just sort of space out for about an hour.
00:35:41Uh, "space out"?
00:35:44I just stare at my desk.
00:35:46But it looks like I'm working.
00:35:48I do that for probably another hour after lunch, too.
00:35:52I'd say in a given week...
00:35:54I probably only do about fifteen minutes...
00:35:56of real, actual work.
00:36:00Peter, would you be a good sport...
00:36:03and indulge us and just...
00:36:05tell us a little more?
00:36:06Oh, yeah.
00:36:08Let me tell you something about T.P.S. Reports.
00:36:13The thing is, Bob, it's not that I'm lazy.
00:36:16It's that I just don't care.
00:36:18Don't... don't care?
00:36:21It's a problem of motivation, all right?
00:36:23Now, if I work my ass off...
00:36:25and Initech ships a few extra units...
00:36:27I don't see another dime.
00:36:29So where's the motivation?
00:36:31And here's something else, Bob...
00:36:33I have eight different bosses right now.
00:36:35- I beg your pardon? - Eight bosses.
00:36:36- Eight? - Eight, Bob.
00:36:37So that means that when I make a mistake...
00:36:40I have eight different people coming by to tell me about it.
00:36:44That's my only real motivation, is not to be hassled.
00:36:47That and the fear of losing my job.
00:36:49But you know, Bob...
00:36:50that'll only make someone work just hard enough...
00:36:52not to get fired.
00:36:54Would you bear with me for just a second, please?
00:37:00What if... And believe me...
00:37:01this is strictly hypothetical...
00:37:04but what if you were offered some kind of a stock option...
00:37:09equity-sharing program?
00:37:10Would that do anything for you?
00:37:12I don't know. I guess. Listen, I'm gonna go.
00:37:14Uh, it's been really nice talking to both of you guys.
00:37:17- Yes. - Absolutely.
00:37:18Pleasure's all on this side of the table, trust me.
00:37:21Good luck with your layoffs, all right?
00:37:23I hope your firings go really well.
00:37:25- OK. - Thanks a lot.
00:37:26Great. Wow.
00:37:35So, Peter, what's happening?
00:37:38Listen, uh...
00:37:46Joanna, would you come here a minute, please?
00:37:51I'm sorry I was late, but I was having lunch, and I, uh...
00:37:55We need to talk about your flair.
00:37:57Really? L... I have fifteen pieces on.
00:38:00I also...
00:38:02Well, fifteen is the minimum, OK?
00:38:05Oh. OK.
00:38:06Now, you know, it's up to you whether or not...
00:38:08you want to just do the bare minimum or...
00:38:11Well, like Brian, for example...
00:38:13has thirty-seven pieces of flair on today.
00:38:16And a terrific smile.
00:38:17OK, so you want me to wear more?
00:38:21Look, Joanna...
00:38:24People can get a cheeseburger anywhere, OK?
00:38:26They come to Chotchkie's for the atmosphere and the attitude.
00:38:29OK? That's what the flair's about.
00:38:31- It's about fun. - Yeah.
00:38:33OK, so more then, yeah?
00:38:37Look, we want you to express yourself, OK?
00:38:40Now if you feel that the bare minimum is enough, then, OK...
00:38:44but some people choose to wear more...
00:38:47and we encourage that, OK?
00:38:50You do want to express yourself, don't you?
00:38:55OK, great, great. That's all I ask.
00:39:00Right, so there's three more people...
00:39:03we can easily lose.
00:39:05Then there's Tom Smykowski.
00:39:09He's useless.
00:39:12Sounds good to me.
00:39:13Here's a peculiar...
00:39:16- Uh, Milton Waddams. - Who's he?
00:39:18You know, squirrelly looking guy. Mumbles a lot.
00:39:20Oh, yeah.
00:39:21We... we can't actually find a record...
00:39:23of him being a current employee here.
00:39:26I looked into it more deeply...
00:39:27and I found that apparently what happened...
00:39:29is that he was laid off five years ago...
00:39:32and no one ever told him about it...
00:39:33but through some kind of glitch in the payroll department...
00:39:36he still gets a paycheque.
00:39:37So we just went ahead and fixed the glitch.
00:39:41So, uh, Milton has been let go?
00:39:44Just a second there, professor.
00:39:45We, uh, we fixed the glitch.
00:39:49So he won't be receiving a paycheque anymore.
00:39:51So it'll just work itself out naturally.
00:39:54We always like to avoid confrontation whenever possible.
00:39:57The problem is solved from your end.
00:39:59I'd like to move us right along to a Peter Gibbons.
00:40:03Now, we had a chance to meet this young man...
00:40:05and, boy, that's just a straight shooter...
00:40:08with upper management written all over him.
00:40:10Eech. Ooh.
00:40:12Yeah. Um...
00:40:16I'm going to have to go ahead...
00:40:17and sort of disagree with you there.
00:40:19Yeah, uh, he's been real flaky lately...
00:40:22and I'm just not sure that he's the calibre person...
00:40:26that we would want for upper management.
00:40:28He's also been having some problems...
00:40:31with his T.P.S. Reports.
00:40:34I'll handle this.
00:40:36We feel...
00:40:39that the problem isn't with Peter.
00:40:43It's that you haven't challenged him enough...
00:40:45to get him really motivated.
00:40:46There it is.
00:40:49Yeah... Ah, well...
00:40:51I'm just not sure about that right now.
00:40:54Yeah, Bill, let me ask you a real quick question here.
00:40:56How much time would you say you spend each week...
00:41:00dealing with these T.P.S. Reports?
00:42:16Hey, Peter, man!
00:42:17Check out channel nine. It's the breast exams. Whoo!
00:42:36Hi, Peter.
00:42:38Oh, hi, Dom.
00:43:28So... Peter...
00:43:30what's happening?
00:43:31Ahh, now, are you going to go ahead...
00:43:34and have those T.P.S. Reports for us this afternoon?
00:43:41Ahh... yeah...
00:43:44So I guess we should probably go ahead...
00:43:45and have a little talk, hmm?
00:43:48Not right now, Lumbergh, I'm... I'm kinda busy.
00:43:52In fact, I'm going to have to ask you to go ahead.
00:43:56Just come back another time.
00:43:58I got a meeting with the Bobs in a couple of minutes.
00:44:01Uh, I wasn't aware of a meeting with them.
00:44:03Yeah, they called me at home.
00:44:10That sounds good, Peter.
00:44:11And, uh, we'll go ahead and...
00:44:14get this all fixed up for you.
00:44:22Hi, Milton. What's happening?
00:44:26L... I didn't receive my paycheque this week.
00:44:29Uh, you're going to have to talk to payroll about that.
00:44:33I did and they said...
00:44:35Milt, we're gonna go ahead...
00:44:36and move you downstairs into storage "B."
00:44:40No, l... I...
00:44:42New people are coming, and we need the space.
00:44:46But there's no space...
00:44:47So if you could go ahead and pack your stuff...
00:44:51and move it down there...
00:44:53that would be terrific.
00:44:56Uh, excuse me...
00:44:58I believe you have my stapler, please. Hmm.
00:45:04You've been missing a lot of work lately.
00:45:06I wouldn't say I've been missing it, Bob.
00:45:10Good one.
00:45:11Oh, that's terrific, Peter.
00:45:13I'm sure you've... you've heard some of the rumours...
00:45:16circulating around the hallways...
00:45:18about how we're going to do a little "housecleaning..."
00:45:21with some software people.
00:45:22Well, Bob, I have heard that. You gotta do what you gotta do.
00:45:26We'll be getting rid of these people.
00:45:28First, Mr. Samir Naga...
00:45:34Naga-gonna work here anymore, anyway.
00:45:37And Mr. Mike Bolton. Nobody's gonna miss him.
00:45:41You're gonna layoff Samir and Michael?
00:45:42Yeah. We're gonna bring in some entry-level graduates.
00:45:45Farm some work out to Singapore, that's the usual deal.
00:45:47It's standard operating procedure.
00:45:49Do they know this yet?
00:45:51No. No, of course not.
00:45:53We find it's always better to fire people on a Friday.
00:45:56Studies have statistically shown...
00:45:58there's less chance of an incident...
00:46:00if you do it at the end of the week.
00:46:02Peter, what we'd like to do is put you into position...
00:46:05to have as many as four people...
00:46:09working right underneath you.
00:46:10This is a big promotion, Pete.
00:46:12So you're going to fire Michael and Samir...
00:46:15and give me more money?
00:46:23Hmm. Yeah.
00:46:26That's it. That's exactly what I need.
00:46:29Give it to me.
00:46:30Come on, you little fucker, let's go.
00:46:32That's what I need. Let's do that.
00:46:33Let's do exactly that, you little fuck...
00:46:36- Michael. - Hey.
00:46:38Listen to me.
00:46:42What are you doing tonight?
00:46:45Michael, there comes a point in a man's life...
00:46:48and maybe that time for you is now...
00:46:51when it doesn't hurt to start thinking about the future.
00:46:55Uh, no offence there, Peter...
00:46:57but speak for yourself there, sport.
00:46:59I'm not the one who's been flakin' out at work.
00:47:02I know you had this religious experience or whatever...
00:47:06but get your shit together, or you're gonna get canned.
00:47:10Yeah, and, uh, and l... Listen...
00:47:14That virus you're always talking about...
00:47:16the one that could rip off the company...
00:47:18for a bunch of money.
00:47:19Yeah, what about it?
00:47:21Well, how does it work?
00:47:23It's pretty brilliant.
00:47:25What it does is every time there's a bank transaction...
00:47:27where interest is computed... There are thousands a day...
00:47:29the computer ends up with these fractions of a cent...
00:47:31which it usually rounds off.
00:47:33What this does is it takes those little remainders...
00:47:35and puts it into an account.
00:47:37- This sounds familiar. - They did it in "Superman III."
00:47:40Right, uh...
00:47:41An underrated movie, actually.
00:47:43There were hackers that did it in the seventies as well.
00:47:46- So they check for this now. - No, here's the thing.
00:47:50Initech's so backed up with all the software we're updating...
00:47:53they'd never notice.
00:47:54You're right.
00:47:56Even if they wanted to, they couldn't check all that code.
00:47:59Thumbs up their asses. Thumbs up their asses.
00:48:02So, Michael, what's to stop you from doing this?
00:48:06It's not worth the risk. I got a good job.
00:48:09What if you didn't have a good job?
00:48:13Cock gobblers!
00:48:18Samir and I are the best programmers they got.
00:48:22You haven't been showin' up, and you get to keep your job.
00:48:24Actually, I'm being promoted.
00:48:26- What? - I know, Michael.
00:48:29It's completely unfair.
00:48:31And I realised something today.
00:48:34It's not just about me and my dream of doing nothing.
00:48:37It's about all of us together.
00:48:41I don't know what happened to me at that hypnotherapist.
00:48:44Maybe it was just shock, and it's wearing off now...
00:48:47but when I saw that fat man keel over and die...
00:48:49Michael, we don't have a lot of time on this earth.
00:48:53We weren't meant to spend it this way.
00:48:56Human beings were not meant to sit in little cubicles...
00:48:59staring at computer screens all day...
00:49:01filling out useless forms...
00:49:02and listening to eight different bosses...
00:49:04drone on about mission statements.
00:49:06I told those fudgepackers I liked Michael Bolton's music.
00:49:09Ohh. That is not right, Michael.
00:49:13For five years now, you've worked your ass off...
00:49:16hoping for a promotion, profit sharing, or something.
00:49:20Five years...
00:49:21of your mid-twenties now gone.
00:49:24And you're gonna go in tomorrow...
00:49:26they're gonna throw you out on the street.
00:49:28You know why?
00:49:30So Bill Lumbergh's stock will go up a quarter of a point.
00:49:36Michael, let's make that stock go down...
00:49:39and let's take enough money out of that place...
00:49:41so that we never have to sit in a cubicle ever again.
00:49:45Your software works, right?
00:49:47Of course it works. That's not the point.
00:49:50Even if I wanted to, I wouldn't know how to install it.
00:49:53I don't know the credit union's software well enough. OK?
00:49:55Yeah. But Samir does.
00:49:59But that's not much money.
00:50:01That's the beauty of it.
00:50:02Each withdrawal, it's a fraction of a cent, too small to notice.
00:50:06But you take a few thousand withdrawals a day...
00:50:08you space it out over a couple of years...
00:50:10that's a few hundred thousand dollars.
00:50:12It's like "Superman III."
00:50:13"Superman lll"?
00:50:16I have to leave now. I have to get my résumé ready.
00:50:19For another job where they can fire you for no reason?
00:50:24That's right. If I'm lucky.
00:50:26I'm tired of being pushed around. Aren't you?
00:50:31Yes, but I'm not going to do anything illegal.
00:50:33Illegal? Samir, this is America.
00:50:36Come on. Sit down.
00:50:39Come on. This isn't Riyadh.
00:50:41They're not going to saw your hands off here.
00:50:44The worst they'd do is put you for a couple of months...
00:50:47into a white-collar, minimum-security resort.
00:50:50Shit, we should be so lucky. They have conjugal visits there.
00:50:54- Really? - Yes.
00:50:57I'm a free man. I haven't had a conjugal visit in six months.
00:51:00So what do you think?
00:51:02This thing is actually pretty fail-safe, Samir.
00:51:07You came here looking for a land of opportunity.
00:51:10And this is the knock of that opportunity.
00:51:13Tomorrow is your last day at Initech.
00:51:16You have two options...
00:51:17unemployment or early retirement.
00:51:20What's it gonna be?
00:51:22- I have a question. - Yes?
00:51:24In this conjugal visits, you can have sex with women?
00:51:27Yep, you sure can.
00:51:34OK, I'll do it.
00:51:35That's what I'm talkin' about when I talk about America!
00:51:38Can we discuss the plan?
00:51:39OK, yeah, good, right.
00:51:41It works like a computer virus.
00:51:43All we do is load it into the credit union's mainframe.
00:51:45It'll do the rest.
00:51:47Get me that disk, and I'll take it from there.
00:51:49Before we go any further, all right?
00:51:52We have to swear to God, Allah...
00:51:54that nobody knows about this but us, all right?
00:51:57No family members, no girlfriends. Nobody.
00:52:00- Of course. - Agreed.
00:52:01Don't worry, man! I won't tell anyone, either.
00:52:04- What the fuck is that? - Don't worry. He's cool.
00:52:06All right. Here's how I see it all going down.
00:52:10Peter, congratulations. This is one heck of a promotion.
00:52:12Thank you, Bob.
00:52:14We'll get some people under you right away.
00:53:42That was easy.
00:53:43Yeah, I guess it was.
00:53:45What'd you do with the...
00:53:47Hey, man.
00:53:49Oh, hey, Drew.
00:53:50You guys hear about Tom Smykowski?
00:53:52That he got laid off?
00:53:53No, man, check it out.
00:53:55Last week, after he found out he was getting laid off...
00:53:58he tries to kill himself by running the car in the garage.
00:54:01Is he dead?
00:54:02No, man, check it out.
00:54:04His wife comes home early and catches him.
00:54:07He tries to play it off like nothing happened.
00:54:09I was having some trouble with the shifter here.
00:54:12It's jammed.
00:54:13L... I couldn't get it into drive.
00:54:16- L... l...I mean, reverse. - You OK, Tom?
00:54:19Then as he's lookin' at her...
00:54:21he decides he wants to live.
00:54:23Yeah, I think I'm OK.
00:54:26Seems to be working now.
00:54:30See you later, honey.
00:54:32Love ya.
00:54:35But as soon as he backs out of his driveway... Bam!
00:54:39He gets slammed big-time by a drunk driver.
00:54:41- Is he OK? - Sort of.
00:54:43Broke both his wrists, legs, a couple of ribs, his back...
00:54:47but he's getting a huge settlement out of this.
00:54:49Like seven figures.
00:54:50He's getting out of the hospital tomorrow.
00:54:52He's throwing a big party this weekend to celebrate.
00:54:54We're all invited.
00:54:56I'm thinking I might take that new chick from logistics.
00:54:59Things go well, I might be showing her my "Oh" face.
00:55:01Oh, oh, oh...
00:55:04You know what I'm talking about. Oh.
00:55:07Yeah. Right.
00:55:09See you guys there.
00:55:12Wow, our last day at Initech.
00:55:16I can't believe they had security escort us out.
00:55:18It's not like we're going to steal something.
00:55:23I stole something.
00:55:24Oh, yeah. I guess we all did.
00:55:26No, I stole something else.
00:55:30What did you steal?
00:55:33Call it a going-away present.
00:57:12Who's got my keys?
00:57:14I'm driving.
00:57:15Everything is gonna be OK.
00:57:17All right? OK?
00:57:19It's fun, and it's exciting.
00:57:21I gotta... I gotta go. All right?
00:57:23Joanna's coming over.
00:57:25Don't worry. You're worrying. All right?
00:57:28Monday morning, we're gonna check the account balance.
00:57:30Everything will be OK.
00:57:31Don't miss Tom's barbecue. I'll see you there.
00:57:33All right? Good night!
00:57:35Back up in your ass with the resurrection
00:57:40What were you guys celebrating last night?
00:57:43Oh, um... l'm not really at liberty to talk about it.
00:57:51I really can't.
00:57:55So, when the subroutine compounds the interest...
00:57:58it uses all these extra decimal places...
00:58:00that just get rounded off.
00:58:02So we simplified the whole thing...
00:58:04and we round 'em all down and drop the remainder...
00:58:07into an account that we opened.
00:58:10So you're stealing?
00:58:13Uh, no. No, you don't understand.
00:58:15It's, uh, very complicated. It's, uh...
00:58:19It's aggregate, so I'm talking about fractions of a penny...
00:58:22and, uh, over time, they add up to a lot.
00:58:25Oh, OK. So you're gonna make a lot of money, right?
00:58:29- Yeah. - Right.
00:58:30It's not yours?
00:58:31Uh... well, it becomes ours.
00:58:34How is that not stealing?
00:58:38I don't think I'm explaining this very well.
00:58:41Um, the 7-Eleven, right?
00:58:45You'd take a penny from the tray.
00:58:47From the crippled children?
00:58:48No, that's the jar.
00:58:50I'm talking about the tray... The pennies for everybody.
00:58:53Oh, for everybody. OK.
00:58:55Yeah. Well, those are whole pennies.
00:58:57I'm just talking about fractions of a penny, OK?
00:59:01But we do it from a much bigger tray...
00:59:03and we do it a couple of million times.
00:59:05So what's wrong with that?
00:59:06I don't know. It just seems wrong.
00:59:08It's not wrong.
00:59:09Initech is wrong.
00:59:10Initech is an evil corporation, all right?
00:59:13Chotchkie's is wrong.
00:59:15Doesn't it bother you that you have to get up in the morning...
00:59:17and you have to put on a bunch of pieces of flair?
00:59:19Yeah, but I'm not about to go in and start...
00:59:22taking money from the register.
00:59:23Well, maybe you should.
00:59:26The Nazis had pieces of flair that they made the Jews wear.
00:59:33Look, we don't... l'm...
00:59:35We don't have to talk about this now.
00:59:36Let's just go to the barbecue, all right?
00:59:43Michael, Samir, how you doin'?
00:59:46- Hey, Tom. - Hello, Tom.
00:59:47I'd like you to meet my lawyer Rob Newhouse.
00:59:50Rob, Michael. Samir.
00:59:53Peter! How are you? I'm glad you could make it.
00:59:56Tom, hi. This is somebody I'd like you to meet.
00:59:59- This is, uh, Joanna. - Hi.
01:00:01Hi. Forgive me for not getting up.
01:00:10Ooh, ooh.
01:00:13Peter, come here a minute. I wanna show you something.
01:00:17Well... what do you think? It's a prototype.
01:00:20Huh... that's...
01:00:22that's exactly as you described it.
01:00:26Uh, listen, I heard about your... your settlement.
01:00:30Well, thanks, Peter.
01:00:31You know, I'm glad you're here, because I wanted to talk to you.
01:00:35I know how you get depressed about your job and all, and...
01:00:39I just wanted you to know that I know how you feel.
01:00:41I used to be the same way.
01:00:43- Really? - Sure.
01:00:45Maybe I didn't whine as much.
01:00:47But I bet I hated my job even more than you...
01:00:50and I'd been doing it for over thirty years.
01:00:54Just remember, if you hang in there long enough...
01:00:57good things can happen in this world.
01:01:01I mean, look at me.
01:01:04Thanks, Tom.
01:01:06Ah, sure.
01:01:13Conjugal visits? Not that I know of.
01:01:17Minimum-security prison is no picnic.
01:01:19I have a client in there right now.
01:01:22He says the trick is...
01:01:23kick someone's ass the first day...
01:01:25or become someone's bitch.
01:01:27Then everything will be all right.
01:01:29Why do you ask, anyway?
01:01:31Oh, no, we just...
01:01:33It's a...
01:01:41- Hey, Peter. - Drew.
01:01:43That's something about old Smykowski, huh?
01:01:45- Yeah. - Lucky bastard.
01:01:48Hey, isn't that the girl that works over at Chotchkie's?
01:01:53Who's she here with?
01:01:55She's with me.
01:01:58- Really? - Yep.
01:02:00All right, Peter. Ooh, ooh, right on.
01:02:05Make sure you wear a rubber, dude.
01:02:09Why's that, Drew?
01:02:10Are you kidding me?
01:02:12She gets around. All right?
01:02:16She does, does she?
01:02:18Oh, yeah, like a record.
01:02:23Like with who?
01:02:24Oh, let's see, uh...
01:02:27Hell, Lumbergh fucked her.
01:02:31Uh, let me see, who else?
01:02:38What if you get caught?
01:02:40Oh, I just don't know if this was such a good idea.
01:02:44Maybe it wasn't such a good idea for you to sleep with Lumbergh.
01:02:48What are you...
01:02:51Oh, right, Lumbergh.
01:02:54Oh... God... Lumbergh!
01:02:57Peter, what is wrong with you?
01:03:00That was, like, two years ago.
01:03:01What? Did you know him?
01:03:03Yeah, I know him. I know him.
01:03:04He's my boss.
01:03:06He's my unholy, disgusting pig of a boss.
01:03:09Oh, he's not that disgusting.
01:03:11He represents all that is soulless and wrong...
01:03:15and you slept with him.
01:03:17Hey, that is none of your business, OK?
01:03:20I didn't ask you who you slept with before we were together.
01:03:23I don't care.
01:03:24I didn't think you slept with guys like Lumbergh!
01:03:26Listen to you.
01:03:29Who do you think you are?
01:03:30How dare you judge me?
01:03:33I mean, what are you? You think you're an angel?
01:03:36No, you're just this penny-stealing...
01:03:38wannabe criminal man.
01:03:41Yeah, well, that may be.
01:03:43But at least I never slept with Lumbergh.
01:03:45OK, that's... l'm done.
01:03:47I wanna get out of the car, OK? Stop.
01:03:50Call me when you grow up.
01:03:52Wait. That's probably never gonna happen.
01:03:54So don't call me, OK?
01:03:56Say hello to Lumbergh for me!
01:04:05Hell, Lumbergh fucked her.
01:04:07Lumbergh fucked her.
01:04:08Lumbergh fucked her.
01:04:10That is great.
01:04:12I mean, she was seeing the "Oh" face for sure.
01:04:16Ohh, ohh, ohh.
01:04:21If you could just move a little bit to the left.
01:04:24That's it. Great.
01:04:26Peter, what's happening?
01:04:28Um, could you give me those T.P.S. Reports ASAP, OK?
01:04:49- Joanna. - Yeah.
01:04:51We need to talk.
01:04:53Do you know what this is about?
01:04:59My, uh, flair?
01:05:03Or your lack of flair, because, uh...
01:05:06I'm counting, and I only see fifteen pieces.
01:05:09Let me ask you a question, Joanna.
01:05:11What do you think of a person who only does the bare minimum?
01:05:17Huh, what do I think? Um, you know what, Stan...
01:05:21if you want me to wear thirty-seven pieces of flair...
01:05:24like your, uh, pretty boy over there, Brian...
01:05:26why don't you just make the minimum...
01:05:28thirty-seven pieces of flair?
01:05:30Well, I thought I remembered you saying...
01:05:33that you wanted to express yourself.
01:05:35Yeah. You know what? Yeah, I do.
01:05:37I do want to express myself.
01:05:40And I don't need thirty-seven pieces of flair to do it.
01:05:44All right? There's my flair. OK?
01:05:47And this is me expressing myself. OK?
01:05:51There it is.
01:05:53I hate this job.
01:05:55I hate this goddamn job, and I don't need it.
01:06:13Oh, shit.
01:06:14- Shit. - Shit.
01:06:16- Shit. - Son of a bitch.
01:06:18- Shit. - This is a fuck.
01:06:21L... I...Shit.
01:06:22What happened?
01:06:24You tell me, Michael! It's your software!
01:06:26Yes, it's your software.
01:06:28Corporate accounting is sure as hell gonna notice...
01:06:30three hundred five thousand, three hundred...
01:06:33twenty-six thirteen, Michael!
01:06:36Oh, shit.
01:06:37They probably won't know it's gone...
01:06:40for another three or four days.
01:06:41Michael! You said this thing was gonna take two years.
01:06:45What happened? You said the thing was supposed to work!
01:06:48Technically, it did work.
01:06:49No, it didn't!
01:06:50It did not work, Michael, OK?
01:06:55I must have put a decimal point in the wrong place or something.
01:06:58I always do that. I always mess up some mundane detail.
01:07:01Oh! Well, this is not a mundane detail, Michael!
01:07:05Quit getting pissed at me.
01:07:06This was all your idea, asshole.
01:07:10All right. OK.
01:07:12Let's try not to get pissed off at each other.
01:07:14Let's calm down, try to figure this thing out together.
01:07:17We gotta close that account before it gets bigger.
01:07:21WORKERS Happy birthday to you
01:07:25Happy birthday to you
01:07:30Happy birthday, Mr. Lumbergh
01:07:36Happy birthday to you
01:07:44Looks terrific.
01:07:47Here, Peg, you wanna get everybody started?
01:07:54Oh, that is terrific.
01:07:55Just terrific.
01:07:57Thanks, everybody. I really, really appreciate it.
01:08:01It's very special.
01:08:02Now, Milton, don't be greedy.
01:08:04Let's pass it along and make sure everyone gets a piece.
01:08:08But last time I didn't receive a piece and I was told...
01:08:11Just pass.
01:08:12OK, here. But this...
01:08:19The cake... There's lots of cake?
01:08:24The ratio of people to cake is too big.
01:08:44I could set the building on fire.
01:08:47Is there some way to just give the money back?
01:08:51Hand them a cheque for the exact amount they're missing?
01:08:54L... I think they'd figure that out.
01:08:57Well, we have to do something.
01:08:59Maybe we could launder the money.
01:09:02That's a great idea.
01:09:04OK, how do we do that?
01:09:06I don't know.
01:09:07I don't even know what it means. I was hoping you knew.
01:09:09I think coke dealers do it.
01:09:11OK, all right. Do we know any coke dealers?
01:09:14My cousin's a cokehead.
01:09:23We're in deep shit.
01:09:24Yes, we are in very, very deep shit.
01:09:33- Milton. - Yes.
01:09:35What's happening?
01:09:36Say, Milton, you know what'd be great?
01:09:39But... no.
01:09:40Since you're down here...
01:09:42it would be really great if you could just sort of...
01:09:45take care of the cockroach problem we've had in here.
01:09:48That's really not my job, and I haven't received my paycheque...
01:09:51For now, why don't you go ahead...
01:09:53and get yourself a flashlight and a can of pesticide...
01:09:56and crawl down...
01:09:58Bill? We need you upstairs right away.
01:10:00We got a big problem... big.
01:10:02Some major glitch in accounting, a lot of money missing.
01:10:10'Scuse me.
01:10:13'Scuse me.
01:10:17OK... but that's the last straw.
01:10:21Here we go, here we go.
01:10:24Uh, launder. "To clean," no. "To wash..."
01:10:28"To conceal the source of money...
01:10:31"as by channelling it through an intermediary."
01:10:35"To conceal..."
01:10:37That doesn't really help us, Michael.
01:10:39I can't believe what a bunch of nerds we are.
01:10:41We're looking up money laundering in a dictionary.
01:10:43Yeah, well, you guys can both eat my ass, OK?
01:10:48I can't believe Joanna slept with Lumbergh.
01:10:50That's what I can't believe.
01:10:51- Yeah. You didn't know that? - Yeah, you didn't know that?
01:10:54A couple of years ago, before he moved to Atlanta.
01:10:58You mean Ron Lumbergh, the Initrode guy? The young guy?
01:11:02Yeah. Who'd you think I meant? Bill?
01:11:07Her fucking... Her children would have hooves.
01:11:12Ron's not related to Bill, is he?
01:11:15Who's that?
01:11:17All right, nobody panic.
01:11:19Probably just Lawrence.
01:11:24Good evening, sir. My name is Steve.
01:11:26I come from a rough area.
01:11:28I used to be addicted to crack...
01:11:29but now I'm off and trying to stay clean.
01:11:31That is why I'm selling magazine subscriptions.
01:11:34- No, no. - Wait a minute.
01:11:36You used to be addicted to crack?
01:11:39Yeah. Um...
01:11:42Look, I'm very sorry.
01:11:44I do not know anything about any money laundering.
01:11:47We're not asking you about money laundering.
01:11:50All we need is for you to hook us...
01:11:51If he doesn't know anybody...
01:11:53No. Wait a minute.
01:11:55Look, you just give us the name of one drug dealer.
01:11:58I could talk to him. I have good networking skill.
01:12:00I lied.
01:12:01All that stuff I said about being a crackhead...
01:12:05just helps me sell magazines.
01:12:07I'm actually an unemployed software engineer.
01:12:13- You're a software engineer? - Yep.
01:12:17Things, they must be very rough for you.
01:12:19Actually, man...
01:12:21I make more money selling magazine subscriptions...
01:12:23than I ever did at Initrode.
01:12:24Heh. At Initrode?
01:12:27Wait a minute, you're not gonna tell anybody...
01:12:29about all this stuff we told you.
01:12:30I mean, we know a lot of the same people. That's...
01:12:35Actually, um, that all depends.
01:12:43What am I gonna do with forty subscriptions to "Vibe"?
01:12:47We never should have done this.
01:12:48What were we thinking?
01:12:51You know what I can't figure out?
01:12:52How is it that all these stupid Neanderthal Mafia guys...
01:12:55can be so good at crime...
01:12:57and smart guys like us can suck so badly at it?
01:13:00We're new to it, though.
01:13:01If we had more experience...
01:13:04No. You know what I think? I think we're screwed.
01:13:07I think there's enough evidence...
01:13:09all over that building to link us to this.
01:13:11Even if we could launder money, I wouldn't want to.
01:13:13What we've done is bad enough.
01:13:15We get caught laundering money...
01:13:16we're not going to white-collar resort prison.
01:13:18No. We're going to federal "pound me in the ass" prison.
01:13:21I don't want to go to any prison.
01:13:23Why the hell did I do this?
01:13:26I've never done anything wrong in my whole life.
01:13:28We weren't thinking clearly...
01:13:30because you told us we were losing our jobs.
01:13:32Now look at us, we're worried about going in a prison.
01:13:34Don't worry about it. I'll think of something.
01:13:38I'm going home.
01:13:40Me, too.
01:13:43You are a very... Bad person, Peter.
01:14:08Lawrence, you awake?
01:14:12You wanna come over?
01:14:13No, thanks, man.
01:14:14I don't want you fucking up my life, too.
01:14:22In light of the senselessness of these heinous crimes...
01:14:25that you have committed against Initech...
01:14:28I hereby sentence you, Michael Bolton...
01:14:31and Samir Naan... Nanadajibad...
01:14:36to a term of no less than four years...
01:14:38in a federal "pound me in the ass" prison.
01:14:45Peter Gibbons...
01:14:47you've led a trite and meaningless life...
01:14:52and you're a very bad person.
01:15:35You're not working at Chotchkie's anymore, huh?
01:15:37No, no. I got fired.
01:15:40- What happened? - I flipped off my boss.
01:15:43Some customers...
01:15:45Actually, a line cook...
01:15:47but he just happened to be standing there, so...
01:15:50I might be going away for a while.
01:15:52Uh... to jail.
01:15:56You were right about that computer scam.
01:15:58That was a bad idea.
01:15:59I'm gonna take the blame for it, I decided.
01:16:03I'm on my way now to return the money...
01:16:05and leave the confession under Lumbergh's door.
01:16:10Joanna, I want to apologise.
01:16:11I had no right to get pissed off at you about Lumbergh.
01:16:14Lumbergh is not my problem.
01:16:16It wasn't even the right Lumbergh.
01:16:18I don't know why I can't just... Go to work and be happy...
01:16:22like I'm supposed to, like everybody else.
01:16:24Peter, most people don't like their jobs.
01:16:26But you go out there and find something that makes you happy.
01:16:30Yeah. Well...
01:16:34I may never be happy at my job...
01:16:36but I think that if I could be with you...
01:16:39that I could be happy with my life.
01:16:41I've been a real asshole.
01:16:43But, if you'd give it another shot, I promise...
01:16:46OK, shut up.
01:16:52Whoa! Hey, what's going on here?
01:16:55Get a room, you two! Ha ha!
01:17:01I hate that guy.
01:17:54Then Mr. Lumbergh told me to talk to payroll...
01:17:56and then payroll told me to talk to Mr. Lumbergh.
01:17:59And I still haven't received my paycheque.
01:18:01And he took my stapler, and he never brought it back.
01:18:04And then they moved my desk to storage room "B."
01:18:07And there was garbage on it, and...
01:18:08Why don't you go back down and sit at your desk?
01:18:11Mr. Lumbergh should be here any minute.
01:18:13- Mr. Lumbergh... - Just go sit at your desk.
01:18:16OK. But, l... I'm gonna just...
01:18:26I have to take my stapler back...
01:18:28because I told him it's my stapler.
01:18:37It's my stapler.
01:18:38A Swingline, the brand I've been using for a long time.
01:19:01Lawrence, you in there?
01:19:05Whoa. Hey, Peter, man.
01:19:08So, I might be going away for a while.
01:19:11Yeah, I know, man.
01:19:13It's a bummer, dude. What can I say?
01:19:15Yeah. Yeah.
01:19:19Well, time to go face the music.
01:19:23You take care of yourself if I don't see you, all right?
01:19:25You too, man. Take her easy, bud.
01:19:28All right.
01:19:30Hey, Peter.
01:19:35Watch out for your cornhole, bud.
01:19:38OK, Lawrence.
01:19:53Stay clear, now. Stay clear.
01:19:56Holy shit.
01:21:07Wait a minute. Let me take a look at that.
01:21:11You don't want that, Peter, man.
01:21:12That's toasted, man.
01:21:14I think I know someone who might want this.
01:21:28Hey, man.
01:21:31Wanna go to lunch?
01:21:33Brought mine in a pail...
01:21:35plus Joanna's supposed to come by a little later.
01:21:38How do you like your new job?
01:21:41Not too bad, not too bad.
01:21:43How's Penetrode?
01:21:46They're all right.
01:21:47It's work.
01:21:49Yeah, yeah.
01:21:51Probably get you a job there.
01:21:52No, thanks. I, uh...
01:21:54I'm doing good here.
01:21:58So, uh... We're gonna be OK, right?
01:22:04I think the fire pretty much took care of everything.
01:22:07I wonder if the money burn up.
01:22:09It would be shame.
01:22:12So you sure you don't want us to get you a job?
01:22:15That's one thing I'm definitely sure of.
01:22:21All right, chief.
01:22:23You guys take care, all right?
01:22:24All right.
01:22:26Stay in touch, man.
01:22:28OK. Will do.
01:22:33This isn't so bad, huh?
01:22:37Making bucks, getting exercise, working outside.
01:22:42Fuckin' "A."
01:22:46Fuckin' "A."
01:23:06Excuse me. Excuse me, señor.
01:23:09May I speak to you, please?
01:23:11I asked for a mai tai, and they brought a piña colada.
01:23:13And I said no salt, no salt...
01:23:16for the margarita, but it had salt on it.
01:23:17Lo siento mucho, señor. Pinche gringo.
01:23:20I won't be leaving a tip, 'cause I could...
01:23:24I could shut this whole resort down.
01:23:27I'll take my traveller's cheques to a competing resort.
01:23:34I could write a letter to your board of tourism.
01:23:36I could have this place condemned.
01:23:39I could put, I could put strychnine in the guacamole.
01:23:43There was salt on the glass, big grains of salt.
01:24:01Give a ride on the old bone roller coaster.
01:24:20Don't come back in a dress, man.
01:24:21Ha ha ha. You big fag.
01:24:46I'm working at Hooters now, you know...
01:24:48and it's very cool.

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