|00:01:14||Mom, I'm watching the thing
with the lady.|
|00:01:17||I'm leaving. Okay?
I'll be home around 11.|
|00:01:19||- Bye, Mom.
- Bye, Brennan.|
|00:01:22||Let's slowly get those hips up.
Good. Now, hold it right here. Great.|
|00:01:33||Dale, I'm leaving for the conference.|
|00:01:35||- You leave me money for pizza, Dad?
- Yeah, there's $20 on the hall table.|
|00:01:39||Do not order pay-per-view, buddy.|
|00:01:41||- But what if I want wings?
- You don't need wings.|
|00:01:44||That's not enough, Dad!|
|00:01:46||The RTI cochlear implant...|
|00:01:47||...is the state-of-the-art
implantable hearing device...|
|00:01:50||...due to its input processing of sound
via the speech processor.|
|00:01:55||But the most exciting
|00:01:57||...is the external processor...|
|00:01:59||...which fits directly over the ear...|
|00:02:02||...which eliminates the need to put
your face between those breasts.|
|00:02:08||I'm sorry. I'm just... I'm so lost.
And this never happens to me.|
|00:02:15||My name is Robert, and I play
racquetball. I collect coins.|
|00:02:19||Sweet Jesus! I love Korean food.|
|00:02:20||I am Nancy Huff. I know
how to make tandoori chicken...|
|00:02:23||...I contribute to NPR
every single year...|
|00:02:26||...and I love the movies
of Rob Reiner.|
|00:02:28||Pilates changed my life.|
|00:02:30||I have a boat, and I wanna retire
and sail around the world.|
|00:02:34||- I love the sea!
- And I drive a Mercedes...|
|00:02:36||...and I have a 40-year-old son, Dale,
who still lives at home.|
|00:02:39||- What did you just say?
- I knew I shouldn't have told you that.|
|00:02:43||I have a 39-year-old son
|00:02:45||...who still lives at home with me.|
|00:02:57||I would like to thank all of you...|
|00:03:00||...for being here with us
on this fantastic, wonderful day.|
|00:03:04||And I would like to raise my glass.|
|00:03:08||Dale and I wanna welcome you
to our home with open arms.|
|00:03:14||- Get a room, Dad.
- Oh, for chri... Dale!|
|00:03:17||Well, as you all know, my youngest
son, Derek, couldn't be here...|
|00:03:21||...because of an important
|00:03:24||But my other son, Brennan, was going
to be moving into his own place...|
|00:03:29||...but he was recently let go
from his job at PetSmart...|
|00:03:33||...so he is gonna be living with us.|
|00:03:37||I wasn't fired from my job,
I was laid off!|
|00:03:40||But you wouldn't
know the difference.|
|00:03:42||I didn't want salmon!
I said it four times.|
|00:03:50||This wedding is horseshit.|
|00:03:56||Somebody's awfully quiet
|00:04:00||I'm not gonna call him Dad.|
|00:04:03||Brennan, you're 39 years old.|
|00:04:05||I would not expect you
to call him Dad.|
|00:04:07||Well, I'm not going to, ever.
Even if there's a fire.|
|00:04:13||Robert better not get in my face...|
|00:04:16||...because I'll drop
|00:04:20||I'm just saying, I think
you gotta think about your options.|
|00:04:24||I know that you are
technically married now...|
|00:04:27||...but that does not mean
that they have to live here.|
|00:04:32||Dale, I think it's time for a change
for both of us.|
|00:04:37||Dad, we're men, okay?|
|00:04:40||That means a few things.|
|00:04:43||We like to shit with the door open.
We talk about pussy.|
|00:04:47||We go on riverboat-gambling trips.
We make our own beef jerky.|
|00:04:50||That's what we do.
And now that is all wrecked.|
|00:04:55||We literally have never done
any of those things.|
|00:04:58||Where did he go to medical school?|
|00:05:00||He went to Northwestern
and Johns Hopkins.|
|00:05:03||- Is that good enough for you?
- No, it's not.|
|00:05:07||Well, Brennan, those are
very prestigious schools.|
|00:05:11||I smoked pot with Johnny Hopkins.|
|00:05:13||You don't know anyone
named Johnny Hopkins.|
|00:05:16||It was Johnny Hopkins
and Sloan Kettering...|
|00:05:19||...and they were
blazing that shit up every day.|
|00:05:22||All right, here's a scenario
for you, Dad.|
|00:05:26||Suppose Nancy sees me
coming out of the shower...|
|00:05:28||...and decides to come on to me.
I'm looking good.|
|00:05:31||I've got a luscious V of hair...|
|00:05:34||...going from my chest pubes
down to my ball-fro.|
|00:05:37||And she takes one look at me,
and she goes:|
|00:05:40||"Oh, my God.|
|00:05:42||I've had the old bull,
now I want the young calf."|
|00:05:46||- And she grabs me by the wiener.
- Shut the fuck up!|
|00:06:02||- Come on, Brennan.
- I'm fine here.|
|00:06:07||- There you are.
|00:06:10||Oh, you look so cute
in your moving clothes.|
|00:06:13||- How was it?
- It was easy.|
|00:06:15||The movers did everything.|
|00:06:22||He's still in the car.|
|00:06:24||It was kind of a rough drive.|
what's all the commotion?|
|00:06:28||- Hey, Don.
- Is that your wife, Nancy?|
|00:06:31||- Right here, Don.
- Can I come over this afternoon...|
|00:06:34||...and touch your face?
|00:06:36||Thanks. Good luck, guys.|
|00:06:37||We'll see you, Don.|
|00:06:38||Let's go, Cinnamon.
|00:06:49||Hey, Nancy. Could you make me
a grilled-cheese sandwich?|
|00:06:54||Dale just ate. He's testing you to see
how much he can get away with.|
|00:06:57||- I see.
- I'm hungry.|
|00:06:59||Look in your right hand.|
|00:07:01||- I sure don't mind a bit. I really don't.
- No, no.|
|00:07:03||No, no. He's fine.|
|00:07:37||But you have to call me Dragon.|
|00:07:40||You have to call me Nighthawk.|
|00:08:06||Please don't do that.|
|00:08:15||Now, that's enough ketchup.
Come on. Dale.|
|00:08:20||- I like it.
- That's enough.|
|00:08:22||Dale, I don't know if you...|
|00:08:24||You might wanna try this. I make
a sauce, we call it "fancy sauce"...|
|00:08:31||- that Brennan really likes
with his chicken nuggets.|
|00:08:35||It's my fancy sauce.|
|00:08:36||Well, when Brennan finishes,
I'll give you some of this, and it's...|
|00:08:41||It's ketchup and mayonnaise
mixed together, so...|
|00:08:45||It's so good.|
|00:08:47||- I want some fancy sauce.
|00:08:49||- I'm not done using it.
- Looks good.|
|00:08:51||- Can I have fancy sauce?
- Of course. Of course.|
|00:08:54||- I'm using it right now.
|00:08:56||- So let's just let him try some.
- You wanna try it, Dale?|
|00:08:59||Yeah, I really would like some.|
|00:09:02||Just one last spoonful.|
|00:09:04||Hey, I think you've got
enough there, Brennan.|
|00:09:07||- So here you go.
|00:09:09||It's ketchup and mayonnaise.|
|00:09:13||- I don't like it. It smells weird.
|00:09:15||- I'll try some.
- You want some?|
|00:09:16||- Sure. Absolutely.
|00:09:18||You don't mind, do you, Brennan?
- I'm not comfortable...|
|00:09:25||It's okay. It's probably
not good on fish anyway.|
|00:09:27||My dad's king of the castle, so if he
wants fancy sauce, he should...|
|00:09:30||- No, it's all right, Dale.
- He can make his own batch.|
|00:09:33||So you know what?|
|00:09:34||Today, when you were driving around,
Dale was telling me that he's really...|
|00:09:39||...into kung fu, and I was telling him
that you're really into kung fu as well.|
|00:09:46||I have a green belt.|
|00:09:49||Read it and weep.|
|00:09:50||I don't believe in belts.|
|00:09:52||There should be no
ranking system for toughness.|
|00:09:55||But one time I wrestled a giraffe
to the ground with my bare hands.|
|00:09:58||That's not true, Dale.
Don't be ridiculous.|
|00:10:02||So, Dale, what have you been
working on recently?|
|00:10:08||...I manage a baseball team.|
|00:10:10||- Little League?
- Fantasy league.|
|00:10:22||Take a picture. It'll last longer.|
|00:10:24||Why don't you stop
being so confrontational, Dale?|
|00:10:27||I'm not the one staring at me.|
|00:10:29||So, Brennan, how about you?|
|00:10:31||I know you used to
work at PetSmart.|
|00:10:36||- That's right, Mr. Doback.
- Call me Robert.|
|00:10:39||- That's right, Robin.
is a really talented person.|
|00:10:49||He's a very gifted singer.|
|00:10:52||- I'm really, really good.
- How good?|
|00:10:56||I've been called
the songbird of my generation...|
|00:10:59||...by people who've heard me.|
|00:11:03||The only trick is
is that Brennan's very...|
who he sings in front of, so...|
|00:11:11||I'm his mom, for example,
I've only heard him sing twice.|
|00:11:15||That's funny that you say that,
because I can sing too.|
|00:11:17||In fact, I'll sing right now.|
|00:11:19||If you wanna get down
On these hairy balls|
- Why don't you jump right in?|
|00:11:25||It's a crotch party right up in here|
|00:11:27||- Stop it!
- Why don't you lick on this big joint?|
|00:11:29||Stop it, Dale! Stop it! Stop it!|
|00:11:33||I remember when I had my first beer.|
|00:11:36||That's so funny,
the last time I heard that...|
|00:11:38||...I laughed so hard
I fell off my dinosaur.|
|00:11:40||Stop right now. All right?
Let's just back off.|
|00:11:44||All right. Brennan, it's okay.
|00:11:49||- Great, Dale.
- He said a mean thing first.|
|00:11:51||All right, just...
Look, you know what...? Hey, guys.|
|00:11:54||Okay, sleeping arrangements.
It's gonna be different...|
|00:11:57||...but because Dale refuses
to give up his office drum set...|
|00:12:02||...that means that, Brennan, you and
Dale are gonna have to share a room.|
|00:12:05||- But it's just temporary.
- Mom, we didn't talk about this.|
|00:12:09||Well, it's gonna be
an exciting adventure.|
|00:12:12||You wanna show him the room, Dale?
Show him where he can put his stuff?|
|00:12:17||- That's nice, thank you.
- Good night, Nancy.|
|00:12:21||Hey, listen, I like to have
a lot of fresh fruit around...|
|00:12:26||...and chocolate chips
in my pancakes. Okay?|
|00:12:29||- Write it so you don't forget.
- Show him the room.|
|00:12:32||She's Mom now, so...|
|00:12:34||- Good night, Mom.
- Good night, Brennan.|
|00:12:38||- Good night, Mr. Doback.
- Good night, Brennan.|
|00:12:49||So just a few basic rules
about the house.|
|00:12:52||If there's any foods that you like...|
|00:12:54||...I suggest you put your name
on them, or they will be thrown out.|
|00:13:00||House was built in 1825
by General Custer.|
|00:13:03||I wanna show you this room.|
|00:13:09||- You see this room?
|00:13:11||Okay, here's the deal.|
|00:13:14||This is my office
and my beat laboratory.|
|00:13:19||And this is the one rule of the house:|
|00:13:21||Don't ever, ever, ever...|
|00:13:25||...touch my drum set.|
|00:13:28||- You understand?
- Don't go in there and...|
|00:13:30||- No touching!
- All right!|
|00:13:32||There. I was at about six there.|
|00:13:34||You don't wanna see me go to 10.|
|00:13:36||Get your shit.
We're going to my room.|
|00:13:50||I just found a chain of islands
that we can sail to after New Zealand.|
I've been meaning to ask you...|
|00:14:04||Why is it that Dale never left?|
|00:14:09||Well, Dale has always
coasted off my accomplishments.|
|00:14:13||I mean, he left college
his junior year...|
|00:14:15||...because he said he wanted
to join the family business.|
|00:14:18||- But you're a medical doctor.
- Believe me, I've told him that.|
|00:14:22||But he just always says,
"It's all about who you know."|
|00:14:25||I don't know where
he got this sense of entitlement.|
|00:14:28||Maybe it was his mother passing.
What about Brennan?|
|00:14:31||From what you've told me...|
|00:14:33||...his younger brother Derek's
been quite successful.|
|00:14:36||Well, certainly when his father
and I split, that was difficult for him.|
|00:14:40||And this one time, when Brennan
was 17 and Derek was 14...|
|00:14:45||...and Brennan decided
to enter a talent show.|
|00:14:49||He sang a song
from an old pirate musical.|
|00:14:53||But Derek got his football buddies
to replace the choir and sing:|
|00:14:58||"Brennan has a mangina."|
|00:15:00||Brennan has a mangina
Brennan has a mangina|
|00:15:04||Finally, the audience and even some
of the nastier parents started singing:|
|00:15:10||"Brennan has a mangina."|
|00:15:13||And I have to admit, for a little while,
I sort of joined in as well.|
|00:15:17||From that day on,
Brennan never sang again.|
|00:15:21||Derek went on to win the contest
by lip-synching "Ice Ice Baby."|
|00:15:30||- Oh, that's a great song.
- It is.|
|00:15:34||- Hey, you awake?
|00:15:42||I just want you to know I hate you.
So does my dad.|
|00:15:48||Well, that's fine.|
|00:15:52||Because guess what.|
|00:15:54||I hate you too.|
|00:15:56||And this house sucks ass.|
|00:15:59||Well, the only reason
you're living here...|
|00:16:02||...is because me and my dad decided
that your mom was really hot...|
|00:16:06||...and maybe we should just
both bang her.|
|00:16:08||And we'll put up with the retard
in the meantime.|
|00:16:11||- Who's the retard?
|00:16:14||- Hey, y'all don't say that.
- Shut up.|
|00:16:17||You'll wake up my dad
and get me grounded.|
|00:16:19||Just shut up.|
|00:16:21||You and your mom are hillbillies.|
|00:16:24||- This is a house of learned doctors.
- You're not a doctor.|
|00:16:29||You're a big, fat, curly-headed fuck.|
|00:16:33||- Oh, yeah?
|00:16:35||- I'm a curly-headed fuck?
|00:16:38||You better not go to sleep.|
|00:16:40||As soon as your eyes shut, I'm gonna
punch you square in the face.|
|00:16:43||I hope you stay still
when you sleep...|
|00:16:46||...because I'm putting a rat trap
between your legs.|
|00:16:49||I'm gonna take a pillowcase
and fill it full of bars of soap...|
|00:16:53||...and beat the shit out of you.|
|00:16:59||I want you out of my fucking house.|
|00:17:01||No way, kemosabe.|
|00:17:05||This is my house now.|
|00:17:10||How do you like The Gilded Lady?|
|00:17:12||I wish we could retire right now.|
|00:17:14||Won't be long.|
|00:17:27||Oh, God! It's cold!|
|00:17:30||Hey! Is anyone listening? Help!|
|00:18:19||Fuck you, Dale! Fuck you!|
|00:18:22||- obviously you guys are hot.
|00:18:24||Just revealed her cover.
I was like, "Wow, this is hot."|
|00:18:27||A little girl-on-girl.
A little heaven, a little hell.|
|00:18:38||- Why you so sweaty?
- I was watching Cops.|
|00:18:41||Not supposed to have
your feet on the couch.|
|00:19:10||Did you touch my drum set?|
- It's just weird...|
|00:19:16||...because seems like someone
definitely touched my drum set.|
|00:19:20||Yeah, that is weird.
Because I didn't touch them.|
|00:19:24||- Hey! Did you touch my drum set?
- Hey, knock it off!|
|00:19:27||I know you touched my drumstick,
because the left one has a chip in it.|
|00:19:32||You fucking crazy, man?|
|00:19:34||You sound insane, do you realize
that? You should be medicated.|
|00:19:38||Fuck you, Brennan.
I know you touched my drum set.|
|00:19:41||I wanna hear that
dirty mouth admit it.|
|00:19:42||You get out of my face,
or I'm gonna roundhouse your ass.|
|00:19:46||You swear on your mom's life
that you didn't touch it!|
|00:19:48||I don't swear to shit!|
|00:19:49||That's because you fucking
touched my drum set...|
|00:19:52||...because I know
Cops doesn't start till 4.|
|00:19:57||- Where are you going?
- I'm going upstairs.|
|00:20:00||Because I'm gonna put my nut sack
on your drum set. Okay?|
|00:20:04||Don't you do that.
I am warning you right now:|
|00:20:08||If you touch my drums, I will
stab you in the neck with a knife!|
|00:20:13||If you even go in the room,
I will go ape-shit, you hear me?|
|00:20:17||Don't wanna miss a spot.|
|00:20:19||John Bonham's playing
"Moby Dick" for real!|
|00:20:21||I swear to God. I swear to God! No!|
|00:20:33||I warned you.|
|00:20:35||There's one rule in the house,
and you broke it!|
|00:20:48||I didn't touch your damn drum set!|
|00:21:00||You fucking fucker! I'm gonna
rub my balls on your mom's face!|
|00:21:05||Come back here!|
|00:21:12||I'll kill you! You son of a bitch!|
|00:21:16||Your drum set's a whore!|
|00:21:18||I teabagged your fucking drum set!|
|00:21:20||Well, my drum set's a guy,
so that makes you gay, you fucker!|
|00:21:24||I'll kill you!|
|00:21:27||I think it's gonna go
generic soon, okay?|
|00:21:29||- Line three.
- Oh, thanks, Miles.|
|00:21:34||Jules? Wait, what's wrong?|
- You touched my drum set, you fucker!|
|00:21:44||Stop it! Stop it!|
|00:21:47||- Rape! Rape! Rape!
- Stop it! Stop! Stop.|
|00:21:51||- Stay out of this, Nancy!
- Stop it, you guys.|
|00:21:54||- Oh, my God, you're hurting him!
- No, Nancy!|
|00:21:56||Cinnamon! Stop it!|
|00:22:00||My mom is being eaten by a dog,
there's nothing I can do!|
|00:22:03||- No, a story has a...
- Excuse me.|
|00:22:05||Dr. Doback, the phone's for you.
I think it's urgent.|
|00:22:09||Robert, they're like animals!
I can't stop them!|
|00:22:11||Stop screaming. Please.
I'm on my way.|
|00:22:14||There seems to be some
savage fight going on...|
|00:22:16||...between my son and stepson,
|00:22:20||Family issues, huh?|
|00:22:22||I don't believe in talking about
people's personal lives...|
|00:22:25||...behind their back.|
|00:22:26||You know nobody likes you, right?|
|00:22:28||Rape! Rape! Rape!|
|00:22:36||What's going on?|
|00:22:37||Robert! They won't... They won't...|
|00:22:40||- Stop it! Stop it!
- Dale, what...?|
|00:22:42||- Stay out of it, Dad!
- Stop it!|
|00:22:52||What the fucking fuck?|
|00:22:59||Someone got some air. Snap.|
|00:23:02||- I still hate you.
- Still hate you.|
|00:23:04||Such power. It's raw power.|
|00:23:06||What are you doing?
It's Shark Week.|
|00:23:08||Okay, here's the deal:|
|00:23:09||Number one, you will fix
the fucking drywall now.|
|00:23:13||Number two, you have one month to
find jobs or you're out on your asses.|
|00:23:17||I will arrange interviews for Monday,
and you will go!|
|00:23:19||Dad, why are you talking
to me like this? I'm your son.|
|00:23:23||I'm not buying that crap anymore.|
|00:23:25||Today I saw my own son
use a bicycle as a weapon.|
|00:23:29||You yelled "rape"
at the top of your lungs.|
|00:23:32||Mom, I honestly thought
I was gonna be raped for a second.|
|00:23:36||He had the craziest look in his eyes.|
|00:23:39||And at one point he said,
"Let's get it on."|
|00:23:42||That was about the fighting.
I'm so not a raper.|
|00:23:45||I didn't touch your drum set, okay?|
|00:23:47||I witnessed with my eyes
your testicles touching my drum set.|
|00:23:52||All right, that's it! That's it!|
|00:23:55||You two guys leave me no choice.|
|00:23:57||No television for a week.|
|00:24:00||- We are so serious, guys.
- You're fucking high!|
|00:24:03||Are you out of your mind?|
|00:24:04||This goes in Robert's wall safe
and it's gonna stay there.|
|00:24:09||- This house is a fucking prison!
- On planet Bullshit!|
|00:24:13||In the galaxy of
This Sucks Camel Dicks!|
|00:24:46||Hi! Aunt Carol. Aunt Carol.|
- You can't catch me.|
|00:25:09||Aunt Carol's on fire!|
|00:25:28||I don't know where you learned it.|
|00:25:29||- Well, there's lots more where that...
- My God.|
|00:25:32||- Oh, no. What happened?
- What the...?|
|00:25:36||Oh, my God.|
|00:25:39||Maybe Dale left the back door open
and raccoons got in.|
|00:25:42||Nancy? Is this your purse
in the freezer?|
|00:25:45||Yes. It's Brennan.|
|00:25:48||He sleepwalks and he always
puts my purse in the freezer.|
|00:25:51||Dale sleepwalks too.|
|00:25:53||- Are you kidding me?
- I'm not. Look in the oven.|
|00:25:57||- What's in the...? Couch pillows?
- Couch pillows.|
|00:26:05||- It's okay.
- It's really hard.|
|00:26:08||It's gonna be fine.|
|00:26:09||They're gonna get jobs,
they'll be gone in a month. A month.|
|00:26:23||- Guys. Guys!
- I'll kill you, Leonard Nimoy.|
|00:26:26||The clown has no penis.|
|00:26:29||What kind of dreams
are you guys having?|
|00:26:31||Hey, it's 12:30.|
|00:26:33||Brennan, your brother's
coming today, so get up.|
- What's your problem?|
|00:26:40||My little brother's even
a bigger asshole than you are.|
|00:26:44||All right, let's really nail it this time.
Here we go.|
|00:26:47||A one, a two, a one, two, three, four.|
|00:27:10||All right, Tommy, you're the oldest.
I'm counting on you. Come on.|
|00:27:26||Nice vibrato, buddy.
All right, all right, Alice, let's go.|
|00:27:31||Flat. It's so flat.|
|00:27:33||I can't even... You don't even
look good while you're singing.|
|00:27:36||The worst thing I've ever heard.|
|00:27:38||This is $ 1200 a week for
voice lessons, and this is what I get?|
|00:27:42||Okay, I'm gonna save it
with this solo.|
|00:27:47||And I can sing high like this|
|00:27:53||And I can sing high|
|00:28:15||We were so sad you guys
couldn't come to the wedding.|
|00:28:18||- But we completely understand.
|00:28:20||You were busy fishing
with Mark Cuban.|
|00:28:22||Oh, yeah, yeah.
Well, not just the Cubes...|
|00:28:24||...but we had Chris Daughtry,
Jeff Probst, super-chef Bobby Flay.|
|00:28:28||It was insane.
I mean, it was almost too much.|
|00:28:30||My God, that's impressive.|
|00:28:31||Yeah, we were down in the Gulf,
|00:28:34||Robert, have you ever been down
to the Gulf on the bonito run?|
|00:28:37||Always wanted to.
I hear it's amazing.|
|00:28:39||- It is. It's gorgeous.
- Are bonito fish big?|
when he's telling a story.|
|00:28:46||- It's fine, Robert.
- I was asking about the story.|
|00:28:49||- What's this guy's deal?
- I don't know, son. It's okay.|
|00:28:52||Well, Dale, they are
what's called a trophy fish.|
|00:28:56||So, yeah, they're pretty big.|
|00:29:06||Oh, God, I'm sorry,
I forget where my story was going.|
|00:29:09||Damn it, Dale.|
- What? I asked him.|
|00:29:13||No, he can join in, Robert.
It's really okay.|
|00:29:16||Well, I asked him twice
not to interrupt.|
|00:29:18||Gang, don't be mad at Dale for ruining
the story. And possibly the evening.|
|00:29:22||It's totally fine.
I have a lot more stories.|
|00:29:24||- Derek, that you do. That you do.
|00:29:28||- Guilty as charged with the stories.
- Oh, God, you're impressive.|
|00:29:32||Come on. I love talking to you.|
|00:29:35||From across the room,
I feel like we have a thing.|
|00:29:38||You and me, man. You're my
new stepdad. You're unbelievable.|
|00:29:43||- I never heard that laugh before.
- Dad, why are you acting so weird?|
|00:29:47||Oh, hey, by the way, guys,
where's my bro, Brennan?|
|00:29:57||You're right about your brother.
|00:30:04||You know what? I still hate you...|
|00:30:06||...but you got a pretty awesome
collection of nudie mags.|
|00:30:08||Yeah, I got them
from the '70s, '80s and '90s.|
|00:30:12||It's like masturbating
in a time machine.|
|00:30:15||Anyway, so I figure by the summer
of 2010, we can probably set sail.|
|00:30:19||But I think about it
every day of my life.|
|00:30:22||Let me ask you this, Bob,
why wait two years?|
|00:30:24||- Well, I gotta make more money.
- Okay, look.|
|00:30:27||I hear you, believe me.|
|00:30:28||But what if I were to tell you
that I could sell this house...|
|00:30:31||...for 30 percent above market?|
|00:30:33||- That'd be great. Could you do it?
- Yeah. In a heartbeat, Robby.|
|00:30:37||Look, I got my real-estate license
a few years back for shits and gigs.|
|00:30:40||I'd do it for four-fifths commish...|
|00:30:42||...because you know what really
gets my dick hard?|
|00:30:44||Helping out my friends.|
|00:30:46||That'd be fantastic.
That'd be fanta... Oh, my God.|
|00:30:49||- No, it would be kick-ass, bro.
- Oh, man.|
|00:30:55||What about Dale and Brennan?|
|00:30:56||Because they haven't
even gotten jobs yet.|
|00:30:58||God, change the record.|
|00:31:04||Robert. Don't talk to me like that
in front of my son.|
|00:31:08||Oh, come on. We're talking about
our dream, the boat. Come on.|
|00:31:11||Yeah, it's our dream, but I think it
all needs to be done in good time.|
|00:31:15||I'm just saying give it some thought,
okay? That's it. That's all I'm saying.|
|00:31:19||Holy shit, triplets.|
|00:31:23||It's true, three's company.|
|00:31:25||- It shows tons of bush.
- Hey, hey, careful.|
|00:31:27||Careful with that. You're crinkling.|
|00:31:30||That's a collector's item.
It's worth a lot of money.|
|00:31:33||What's up, faggots?|
|00:31:34||What's up, man? What, you're not
gonna come down, say hi to me?|
|00:31:39||Whoa, calm down, man.
I'm just joking.|
|00:31:42||You guys, I really like
your guys' setup up here.|
|00:31:45||What is your problem, man?|
|00:31:47||My problem? I don't know.
I don't have a problem, Dale.|
|00:31:51||Actually, I have the opposite
of a problem:|
|00:31:53||I made over 550 K last year.
How much did you make?|
|00:31:56||- It's not about money.
- No, it's not about money.|
|00:31:58||Well, for me,
it's a little bit about money...|
|00:32:01||...and I made
that much money last year.|
|00:32:03||I am the VP of the biggest...|
company on the Western Seaboard.|
|00:32:08||Okay? I haven't had a carb
|00:32:12||Check these out. See these?
See these boys?|
|00:32:15||This is what I live with.|
|00:32:16||Every day I lather this up
with Kiehl's in the shower.|
|00:32:19||You wanna touch this shit?
You wanna touch these bad boys?|
|00:32:22||Sorry, not gonna happen.|
|00:32:24||Is there something you want?|
|00:32:26||I promised Mom I'd offer you a job.|
|00:32:28||I told her it'd count as her
Christmas present, so...|
|00:32:31||No. I'm never gonna work for you.|
|00:32:33||Fine. I don't care.|
|00:32:34||The truth is I just smoked a J
out in my car a few minutes ago...|
|00:32:38||...so feeling a little spacy.|
|00:32:40||Know what I'm say...?
What's up with you, man?|
|00:32:43||What you looking at, kemosabe?|
|00:32:46||You wanna punch me right now.|
|00:32:49||You wanna punch me right now,
but you won't.|
|00:32:53||You wanna punch me too?|
|00:32:54||You guys both look like you might
wanna hit me in the face.|
|00:32:57||You do, I can tell.
Well, why don't you do it?|
|00:32:59||Why don't you punch me
in the face?|
|00:33:01||Punch me in the fucking face!|
|00:33:09||- Oh, shit.
- Oh, my shoulder!|
|00:33:12||That was awesome.|
|00:33:16||Derek, know what's always good
for shoulder pain?|
- If you lick my butthole.|
|00:33:24||- Thanks, Mom. Thanks, Bobby.
|00:33:26||Aside from that retard trying to punch
me, it was a pretty good evening.|
|00:33:30||- It was our pleasure, son.
- Why are you calling him that?|
|00:33:33||Oh, don't, don't.|
|00:33:35||Bye, kids. I'll check out that stock
you recommended, Tommy.|
|00:33:39||- Hi. I'm Alice, I'm Derek's wife.
|00:33:42||Is it true you struck Derek in the face
and he fell from the tree house?|
|00:33:46||Yeah. He asked me to.|
|00:33:48||Oh, that's the most amazing thing
I've ever heard.|
|00:33:50||I want you to know that tonight...|
|00:33:52||...I am gonna pleasure myself to
the image of you doing that to Derek.|
|00:33:56||You know what I mean?|
|00:34:03||You are something.|
|00:34:05||You are something.|
|00:34:09||You're something too.|
|00:34:11||I wanna roll you into a little ball
and shove you up my vagina.|
|00:34:15||You could just live there.
It's warm and it's cozy.|
|00:34:19||In your vagina?|
|00:34:21||I wanna walk around with you
in there and just know that...|
|00:34:24||...whenever I feel a little tickle
|00:34:27||...that it's just your hair
up my vagina.|
|00:34:30||Please, just do it for me.|
|00:34:41||I know. I know. It's too much.|
|00:34:45||It's too much.|
|00:34:50||I hate my life, Dale.|
|00:34:53||Dale, I hate my life!
I have nobody to talk to.|
|00:34:57||- Well, you seemed okay at the di...
|00:34:59||Alice! Honey, come on!|
|00:35:01||Dane Cook, pay-per-view,
20 minutes. Let's go!|
I'm just talking to Dale.|
|00:35:08||This is so stupid.|
|00:35:13||- I love you.
|00:35:23||- Hey. What'd she want?
|00:35:26||Nothing. Who's...? Who?|
|00:35:31||We were just talking. Not...
It was not about sex or anything.|
|00:35:36||I can't believe you hit Derek.|
|00:35:39||I know. Did you see
the expression on his face?|
|00:35:42||- That was cool.
|00:35:45||I know that we started out as foe.|
|00:35:48||But after that courageous act...|
|00:35:51||...that you showed me
against the one they call Derek...|
we could become friends.|
|00:36:00||Friends who ride majestic,
|00:36:04||...shooting flaming arrows
across the Bridge of Hemdale.|
|00:36:08||I would follow you into the mists
of Avalon, if that's what you mean.|
|00:36:11||Do you wanna see something cool
that only three people have seen?|
|00:36:19||Okay, open your eyes.|
|00:36:22||See that black smudge
right there on the blade?|
- Look at it closely.|
|00:36:27||- Pretty recognizable signature.
|00:36:29||Randy Jackson from American Idol.|
|00:36:32||Why do you have Randy Jackson's
autograph on a martial-arts weapon?|
|00:36:35||I bumped into him
and all I had was this sword...|
|00:36:38||...and you're not gonna not get
Randy Jackson's autograph.|
|00:36:41||I would've done
the exact same thing.|
|00:36:44||Now, do you wanna see
something really cool?|
|00:36:47||- Of course.
- Turn off the lights.|
|00:36:56||Holy Santa Claus shit.|
|00:36:58||Can you imagine if we had these
when we were 12?|
We got them when we're 40.|
|00:37:03||You know what's amazing? They're
not that noticeable on your face.|
|00:37:11||I can't believe I've been living here
for two weeks...|
|00:37:14||...and I'm walking
around this place...|
|00:37:16||...thinking I've got a huge doucher
for a stepbrother.|
|00:37:19||Secretly, you're not a doucher.|
|00:37:22||Let's play a game, all right?|
|00:37:24||On the count of three,
name your favorite dinosaur.|
|00:37:26||Don't even think about it, just name it.
Ready? One, two, three.|
|00:37:32||Favorite non-pornographic magazine
to masturbate to.|
|00:37:35||- Good Housekeeping.
- Good Housekeeping.|
|00:37:38||If you were a chick, who's
the one guy you'd sleep with?|
|00:37:41||- John Stamos.
- John Stamos.|
- Did we just become best friends?|
|00:37:47||Do you wanna go do karate
in the garage?|
|00:38:16||I think they're starting to
like each other.|
|00:38:19||I got a really bad feeling about this.|
|00:38:23||- Sword fight!
- I know.|
|00:38:30||- Exactly the same!
- I know! That's so weird.|
|00:38:36||Now you're in trouble.|
|00:38:40||- Come on!
|00:38:41||They're betting against you,
but you can do it!|
|00:38:48||Is this a bad time?|
|00:38:49||What the hell's going on?|
|00:38:50||Ma, Mr. Doback, okay,
Dale and I were just...|
|00:38:54||Please, stop calling me Mr. Doback.|
|00:39:00||...we think it would be very prudent...|
|00:39:03||- Can we turn our beds into bunk beds?
|00:39:06||Why are you guys so sweaty?|
|00:39:07||We've already figured out how.
The beds match up perfectly.|
|00:39:10||It would give us so much extra space
in our room to do activities.|
|00:39:14||Please say yes.|
|00:39:15||You don't need our permission
to build bunk beds.|
You can do what you want.|
|00:39:23||I'm not making myself clear.|
|00:39:26||I don't give a fuck.|
|00:39:28||Now, you both have
several interviews tomorrow.|
|00:39:31||I would think you'd be focused
on that and not building bunk beds.|
|00:39:39||- We can? No?
- Yes. Yes, you can make bunk beds.|
|00:39:44||- I knew it.
- Okay. You are not gonna regret this.|
|00:39:46||We'll get so much more
|00:39:48||This is the funnest night ever!|
|00:39:52||This is so scary.|
|00:39:56||- How you doing over there?
- Really good.|
|00:40:01||Does your son know anything
|00:40:03||No, not a th... Did I hear a drill?|
|00:40:06||- Dale! Dale, no power tools!
- Power tools.|
- No power tools!|
|00:40:11||- No, I forgot, I have to brush my teeth.
- That is not your toothbrush.|
|00:40:15||Oh, okay. Well, I'm all done anyway.|
|00:40:17||- We did it.
- We did it!|
|00:40:19||It looks amazing!|
|00:40:20||Look at that! That looks like
what you'd buy from a store!|
|00:40:23||- Should've been a bunk bed all along.
- Look at this space.|
|00:40:26||- We could do aerobics in here.
- So many activities!|
|00:40:29||- Do step class.
- It's making my head spin...|
|00:40:31||...how many activities we can do.
- Play Army men.|
- Come on.|
|00:40:40||Hey, I never asked you.
Do you like guacamole?|
|00:40:45||Oh, Brennan! Oh, God!|
|00:40:50||Dad. Nancy. It's bad.|
|00:40:52||It's so bad.
There's blood everywhere.|
|00:40:55||The bunk beds were a terrible idea.
Why'd you let us do that?|
|00:40:58||It's so bad!|
|00:41:00||How would you describe that?|
|00:41:04||- It's not so bad.
- Right. See?|
|00:41:09||Put your beds back.|
|00:41:10||Rumpus time is over.|
|00:41:12||You got a big day tomorrow.
You need your eight hours.|
|00:41:18||And although she was 88 years old,
she never stopped believing.|
|00:41:22||It's 8:20 in the a.m.|
|00:41:24||Coming up next, a recent study
by the American Council...|
|00:41:27||Look at her. She's hot.|
|00:41:30||Okay, guys, this is it.
Good luck. Don't be late.|
|00:41:34||Dad, I need to borrow
some clothes for the interview...|
|00:41:37||...since I don't have
any fancy clothes.|
|00:41:39||You go in my closet, take whatever
you need. You guys gotta look sharp.|
|00:41:42||This is the most important
day of our lives.|
- No pressure, no pressure.|
|00:41:46||- All right? Relax.
|00:41:47||I gotta go. I gotta go.|
|00:41:48||This is your day.
Remember that. You own it.|
|00:41:51||- This is your one day!
- All right.|
|00:41:54||Mr. Huff, Mr. Jeener
is ready for your interview.|
|00:41:57||Actually, we'll be
interviewing as a team.|
|00:41:59||We're here to fuck shit up.|
|00:42:18||Well, Brennan, you certainly
have had a lot of jobs.|
|00:42:20||I'm a bit of a spark plug.|
|00:42:22||And, Human Resources lady,
when I think...|
|00:42:25||- You know, it's... Actually, it's Pam.
- I'm sorry.|
|00:42:28||- Well, Pan...
- No, my name is Pam.|
|00:42:31||- Are you saying Pan or Pam?
- I'm saying Pam.|
|00:42:35||Yeah, I'm sorry, who is this
gentleman sitting behind you?|
|00:42:39||Hello, Ms. Lady. I'm Dale.
I'm Brennan's stepbrother...|
|00:42:42||...and I think I might be able to help
with the Pan-Pam dilemma.|
|00:42:45||- Yeah, that'd be great.
|00:42:49||- Pand. There's a D on the end.
- With an M.|
|00:42:51||- There's no D. It's Pam.
- It's like "comb," except P-A-N-M.|
|00:42:57||- N-N. There's two N's.
- Two M's. That was the confusion.|
|00:43:00||No, there's just one M.|
|00:43:01||What do you say we interview you?|
|00:43:04||All right. Yes, that's a
|00:43:07||Please put your hand down.|
|00:43:10||How much money do you make
a year before taxes?|
|00:43:14||Okay, I'm actually not comfortable
|00:43:16||- Come on!
- We're doing the interview, not you.|
|00:43:19||Here's a shot out of a cannon:
Oprah, Barbara Walters, your wife.|
|00:43:23||You gotta fuck one,
marry one, kill one. Go!|
|00:43:25||I think we're done here. Thank you.|
|00:43:27||Mr. Huff, under your references,
you listed Dale Doback...|
|00:43:31||...which I know is this gentleman,
but you also listed...|
|00:43:34||..."Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior."
|00:43:36||Yeah, we are looking for people
we can contact.|
|00:43:39||We wanna tell you the stuff
we're not good at.|
|00:43:41||- Our weaknesses.
- So we're clear up front.|
- We're not generally comfortable...|
|00:43:47||...in an office setting, I would say.
- I get cooped up.|
|00:43:50||I won't go into an office
that's ever been used before.|
|00:43:53||I am no good before 11 a.m.|
|00:43:56||I also get headaches from computers,
so I can't be around them too long.|
|00:44:00||I take stuff.|
|00:44:01||I need someone to go up and down
with me in the elevator.|
|00:44:04||I have a weakness for sweets.|
|00:44:08||We're slow learners and we're
not particularly good listeners.|
|00:44:11||- That'll be a huge problem.
- We're also slow learners.|
|00:44:15||First of all,
I needed someone to work...|
|00:44:17||Wait, shut your mouth.
Shut your mouth.|
|00:44:19||I think we've had enough...|
|00:44:21||- Shush up for one second.
- Shut your mouth.|
|00:44:23||- Wait, shut your mouth.
- I'm sorry, what did you just say?|
|00:44:26||- You're just coming off stupid.
- I'm coming off stupid?|
|00:44:29||You're wearing tuxedos to a job that
requires you to clean bathrooms.|
|00:44:33||- Please leave this office, we're done.
- Do we get any sort of souvenir?|
|00:44:36||Get out of my office!|
|00:44:38||I'm looking to hire guys I don't mind
hanging out with for 12 hours a day.|
|00:44:42||You guys seem like cool guys.|
|00:44:44||Got hair similar to mine,
you wear tuxedos to the interview.|
|00:44:47||That's funny, it's ironic. I get that.|
|00:44:49||Underplaying the whole formality of it.
I think that's funny as hell.|
|00:44:53||So let's do this, you know?
You guys are hired. You're in.|
|00:44:56||Unless you're the weirdest guys ever
and I don't see it.|
|00:45:17||- Was that a fart?
- I don't know.|
|00:45:20||I can taste it.|
|00:45:22||On my tongue.|
|00:45:24||Okay, I'll be honest with you.
I did fart.|
|00:45:26||Is that onion? Onion and...
Onion and ketchup.|
|00:45:29||- It stinks. And this is a small room.
|00:45:33||Okay, now the tuxedos
seem kind of fucked up.|
|00:45:37||God. We were so close.|
|00:45:41||So, what do we do for jobs?
Is your dad really gonna kick us out?|
|00:45:44||Listen, don't worry about my dad.|
|00:45:49||Got him sewn up.|
|00:45:52||We've gotta start thinking bigger,
|00:45:56||Listen, what are you really good at?|
|00:45:58||Singing. I'm a world-class singer.|
|00:46:01||See? Right there,
that's an amazing skill.|
|00:46:04||Now, what am I good at?|
|00:46:05||I can shred on the drums
and I'm a marketing wiz.|
|00:46:08||Put all that together,
what do you get?|
|00:46:12||- I don't know, a band?
- No, that's been done before.|
|00:46:15||Even better: we are gonna start an
international entertainment company.|
|00:46:20||The biggest and the best.|
|00:46:23||And we're gonna call it
|00:46:27||That sounds so cool.|
|00:46:28||I feel like a lightning bolt
hit the tip of my penis.|
|00:46:35||We're brothers. This is why we met.|
|00:46:38||- To form this alliance, right?
|00:46:41||That's why our parents met,
so this idea could happen.|
|00:46:43||- Okay, what do we do?
- We get to work.|
|00:46:46||And we hit the beat laboratory
right now. Let's go.|
|00:46:51||What time is it?|
|00:46:59||- I can't go down Whitworth right now.
|00:47:03||We should go this way.|
|00:47:06||- What's up?
- Chris Gardocki.|
- He gets in my face...|
|00:47:10||...and I just don't wanna
deal with the hassle now.|
|00:47:12||- Are you this scared?
- Can we please go the long way?|
|00:47:17||- Down Cutler?
|00:47:18||But that's 45 minutes.|
|00:47:20||You're gonna shame me
into doing this.|
|00:47:22||- You sound stupid.
- You'll be sorry. Okay, I'm stupid.|
|00:47:28||Oh, God, there they are.|
|00:47:32||Oh, my God, is that Dale Doback?|
|00:47:34||- Let's make him lick dog shit.
|00:47:38||Hey, fag-stick. Long time, no see.|
|00:47:42||Is that your boyfriend?
Is that your butt buddy?|
|00:47:45||Look, Mr. Gardocki,
just leave me alone, will you?|
|00:47:47||Shut your mouth, esé.|
|00:47:49||You guys just go back and have fun
on your jungle gym, okay?|
|00:47:53||Does butt buddy have a name?|
|00:47:55||If you're referring to me as
butt buddy, yes, I do have a name.|
|00:47:59||It's Brennan Huff.|
|00:48:00||If you don't come over here
and lick that white dog shit...|
|00:48:04||...l'm gonna plow into your nose
with my fist.|
|00:48:06||- I'm not licking any white dog shit.
- I'll lick the shit if you leave us alone.|
|00:48:10||Dale, you're not licking
dog shit, okay? They're kids.|
|00:48:14||- Brennan, it's just dog shit.
- It's ridiculous!|
|00:48:16||- Hello, how are...?
- Oh, God!|
|00:48:20||Leave him alone! Leave him alone!|
|00:48:38||So maybe you don't
go down that way anymore.|
|00:48:42||Maybe you go the long way home.|
|00:48:44||That's what we talked about.
We'll take the long way home.|
|00:48:47||You know in that one scene
in The Wizard of Oz...|
|00:48:50||...when the flying monkeys
pull apart the Scarecrow?|
|00:48:53||That's what it was like.|
|00:48:55||- It's okay, it's okay.
- I'm so sorry.|
|00:48:57||Is my dad mad about
the stuff that happened?|
|00:49:00||Robert was very upset, yes.|
|00:49:03||He knows that you interviewed
as a team.|
|00:49:06||And he heard about the fart.|
|00:49:08||- Oh, he did?
|00:49:10||You just couldn't hold it, or you...?|
|00:49:12||- No. I thought it was gonna be silent.
- It was not silent.|
|00:49:15||Just kept going, and it made a sound.
It was embarrassing.|
|00:49:18||It got louder.|
|00:49:19||So listen, Bobby,
I'll get those keys made tomorrow...|
|00:49:22||...and then we'll start setting up times.
- Thank you.|
|00:49:27||- Hi, Mom.
|00:49:28||- Okay, bye.
|00:49:30||- Always nice to see you.
- You too.|
|00:49:43||Looks like your
free ride's over, huh?|
|00:49:45||Have fun living on the streets.|
|00:49:47||Okay, cool. Good chatting, you guys.
- See you, buddy.|
|00:49:55||What was he doing here?|
|00:49:57||We're putting the house
on the market.|
|00:49:59||- Where are we moving?
- Is the house haunted?|
|00:50:03||Nancy and I are retiring...|
|00:50:05||...and sailing around the world
on my boat.|
|00:50:08||We are living the dream.|
|00:50:11||Well, what about us?|
|00:50:14||I'm sorry. Robert... We thought that...|
|00:50:19||...you should take responsibility
for your own lives.|
|00:50:23||This is the exciting part:|
|00:50:24||We're going to put enough
money in your accounts...|
|00:50:27||...for a security deposit
on an apartment.|
|00:50:29||What's this all about?|
|00:50:30||More than just money, we're gonna get
you another kind of support as well.|
|00:50:35||You're both gonna see therapists.
Nancy thinks it'll help.|
|00:50:38||- Guys, that's nonnegotiable.
- Hold on. We're not going on the boat...|
|00:50:42||...Derek's selling the house,
we have to go to therapy?|
|00:50:46||- What the fuck happened?
|00:50:48||Look, I know this seems
really, really sudden...|
|00:50:52||...and just sort of unfair
and cruel and...|
|00:50:54||- But it's nonnegotiable.
- But it's nonnegotiable.|
|00:50:57||I got a bellyful
of white dog crap in me...|
|00:51:00||...and now you lay this shit on me?|
|00:51:02||You're adults. It's time
you started acting like adults.|
- I'm not backing down, Brennan.|
|00:51:08||Don't even try.|
|00:51:10||I know it seems hard,
but it's the best thing for both of you.|
|00:51:13||We do it because we love you.|
|00:51:15||Dad, I'm doing this because
I love you: fuck you.|
|00:51:19||- Anything else?
|00:51:21||Bon voyage! Have a great time!|
|00:51:24||Hey, what's up, Derek?|
|00:51:28||- Know what?
- Look what I got.|
|00:51:29||I'm sitting here thinking we finally got
a family together here...|
|00:51:33||...and now it's about to be taken away
because they think we're losers.|
|00:51:37||- Because they don't understand us?
|00:51:41||They don't get that this lifestyle
is a choice.|
|00:51:44||And all they think about
is that stupid boat.|
|00:51:48||I swear, I'm so pissed off
at my mom.|
|00:51:51||As soon as she is of age,
I'm putting her in a home.|
|00:51:55||We have got to get
Prestige Worldwide going.|
|00:51:58||It's the thing that's
gonna save this family.|
|00:52:00||I was thinking we should
have a investor presentation...|
|00:52:03||...like on The Apprentice.|
|00:52:04||We gotta start
with some capital somewhere.|
|00:52:07||Here's the thing, though:|
|00:52:09||If we're gonna start
a huge multinational corporation...|
|00:52:12||...I have to hear you sing.|
|00:52:14||Can't you just trust that
I'm a really, really good singer?|
|00:52:17||Just one song, so I know
what your voice sounds like.|
|00:52:21||Yeah, yeah. I'll just do it.|
|00:52:23||No big deal. I'll just dive into it
and just start singing.|
|00:52:31||Jesus, my heart is beating
so fast right now.|
|00:52:35||Okay, just do it. Just do it.|
|00:53:28||You know, I don't know.|
|00:53:29||I didn't sing too loud, because I don't
wanna wake up Robert and Nancy.|
|00:53:32||My throat's sore. I've had
a sore throat for a month and a half.|
|00:53:36||And this is not an acoustic
environment that's suitable...|
|00:53:39||...to request this from me.|
|00:53:41||You gotta know,
I'm not just some guy.|
|00:53:45||Brennan, that is
the voice of an angel.|
|00:53:50||Brennan, I can't even make
eye contact with you right now.|
|00:53:53||Your voice is like a combination
of Fergie and Jesus.|
|00:53:56||Why can't you do that
in front of people?|
|00:53:58||Are you messing with me right now?|
|00:54:00||It's me, Dale.|
|00:54:06||- I know.
- This is gonna sound weird...|
|00:54:08||...but for a second, I think
you took on the shape of a unicorn.|
|00:54:13||I felt like I was hovering
above my own body...|
|00:54:17||...watching myself sing.|
|00:54:19||Now, let's move on
to other business.|
|00:54:21||First thing tomorrow, we gotta get
cracking on this investor presentation.|
|00:54:25||And guess what else.
This just came to me.|
|00:54:28||- We're making a music video.
|00:54:33||What do we do about Derek
and the house?|
|00:54:36||Don't worry about him.|
|00:54:49||Oh, it's a great "nabe."|
used to live down the block.|
|00:54:52||- The Giff?
- Yeah, the Giff. Right down the block.|
a really good feeling about this.|
|00:54:58||I am so glad.|
|00:55:00||You get us that 10-year
interest-only loan, we got a deal.|
Welcome to the neighborhood!|
|00:55:06||- My name is Craig.
- The neighbor is a Nazi?|
|00:55:10||You guys ever need fertilizer,
I've got a lot of it. Close to 80 tons.|
|00:55:14||Hey, folks! How you doing?
You're gonna love this neighborhood.|
|00:55:18||Every single house here recycles.|
|00:55:20||- Okay, we're done here.
- Yeah, okay.|
|00:55:22||Hey, Derek, sprechen sie dick.|
|00:55:25||Dale, I don't know how much
you know about therapy...|
|00:55:28||...but it usually starts by you
telling me something about yourself.|
|00:55:31||I work at a college as a janitor...|
|00:55:34||...even though I'm smarter
than most of the people there.|
|00:55:36||Sometimes I see an equation
written on a blackboard...|
|00:55:39||...like half an equation,
and I'll just figure it out.|
|00:55:43||- Is this Good Will Hunting?
|00:55:45||It sounds a lot like the plot
of Good Will Hunting.|
My best friend is Ben Affleck...|
|00:55:52||So I thought we'd begin
talking about your parents' divorce.|
|00:55:57||How old were you
when they got divorced?|
- That's a hard age.|
|00:56:01||- Yes. Yeah.
- Do you wanna talk...|
|00:56:04||...about some of those feelings?
- I love you.|
|00:56:07||- Obviously, you don't know me.
- I love you so much.|
|00:56:10||Thank you. And I will take that
as a feeling that you have...|
|00:56:14||...of comfortability with me.|
|00:56:16||It's more than comfortability.|
|00:56:18||- I mean, I fucking love you.
- Okay. I th...|
|00:56:22||I'm just thinking
about our life together.|
|00:56:24||I feel like I'm walking on a cloud.|
|00:56:26||My penis is tingling right now.|
|00:56:29||- That is so off-putting.
- You're not feeling this?|
|00:56:33||In no way, shape or form do I feel
any feelings of intimacy towards you...|
|00:56:36||...in any way whatsoever.|
|00:56:39||You got a really dope
front lawn here.|
|00:56:41||You and your homeboys
can play on that.|
|00:56:43||- You can just say "It looks good."
|00:56:45||No, that's how I talk.|
|00:56:46||Oh, you got a really fresh
entryway here. Pretty awesome.|
|00:56:50||- show you the front of the house,
which is actual...|
|00:56:52||Will you vultures please give us some
privacy? He just died last night.|
|00:56:57||What is going on here?|
|00:56:58||It was the asbestos in here,
that's what did it!|
|00:57:01||I've seen too many dead bodies.|
|00:57:02||- I can't be in here. I can't.
- No, no, no.|
|00:57:08||- Not bad.
- Eat shit, Derek.|
|00:57:11||- Awesome B-day party, broheisens.
- You the man, Derek.|
|00:57:15||Okay, who's this from? TJ?|
the rest of my gifts, dude?|
|00:57:19||Totally joking around, TJ.|
|00:57:23||Oh, yes! Yes! Callaway 3-wood.|
|00:57:31||- Bomb it down the fairway, bitches!
- That's right.|
|00:57:36||Hi, my name is Jim.
Wanna suck my dick for money?|
|00:57:39||- It's just me. Hi.
- Oh, my God.|
|00:57:42||What are you doing?
This is the men's bathroom.|
|00:57:46||- It's our second date.
|00:57:49||Listen, I'm sick of being
all coy and bashful, Dale. Okay?|
|00:57:53||- We're in the bathroom.
- This'll just take a minute.|
|00:57:56||There's really little you can
do about it. Let me just hop on.|
|00:58:01||It's all slippery.|
|00:58:03||Oh, my God!|
|00:58:10||It's getting tingly.
Something's gonna happen, Alice!|
|00:58:21||Oh, we just had sex.|
|00:58:23||- Just the way I imagined it.
- I like you.|
|00:58:28||I love you.|
|00:58:29||- Stay golden, Ponyboy. I gotta pee.
|00:58:33||Oh, my God.|
|00:58:38||Say hello to my little friend.|
|00:58:42||- Just kidding. It's from Scarface.
|00:58:47||Shut the fuck up!|
|00:58:49||- Sweet-ass gift, Teej.
- Yeah, not bad.|
|00:58:51||- I got it all mapped out.
|00:58:53||- I'm following your lead, though.
- I'll get all eyes on us.|
- Just like we planned.|
|00:58:58||And then we'll drop the hammer.|
|00:59:00||What were Dale and Brennan doing
with my video camera, do you know?|
|00:59:04||I have no idea. And frankly,
I really don't care. So...|
|00:59:08||I would like to say a few things.|
|00:59:10||Derek, you are an outstanding
young man, son.|
|00:59:13||And I would like say that
this is the image I have:|
|00:59:16||That sometimes when I'm making love
to your mother and I realize that...|
|00:59:19||...this is where you came from,
that I'm so moved...|
|00:59:22||...that I talked to my lawyer,
and not only are you going to be...|
|00:59:25||...in my heart forever, but you're
going to be in my will, young man.|
|00:59:28||- Okay. Okay.
|00:59:30||- Robert, that was fucking awesome.
- Thank you.|
|00:59:33||You got a lot of this, buddy.
And you got a lot of these.|
|00:59:37||Everyone, if I could have
your attention, please.|
|00:59:40||For those of you
who don't know me...|
|00:59:42||...my name's Dale Doback.
- Check. Check.|
|00:59:44||I'm Robert's other son,
the biological one.|
why we gathered you here tonight...|
|00:59:52||...besides Derek's birthday.|
|00:59:54||We got a special surprise for you,
Derek, and everybody here...|
|00:59:57||- Check, check.
|00:59:58||- Dale. No, please.
- Don't interrupt them.|
|01:00:01||- I'm begging you.
- You wanna shut this down?|
|01:00:03||- Just hold on.
- Derek, for your birthday...|
|01:00:05||...we thought we'd roll out...|
|01:00:09||Happy birthday, Derek.|
wide, wide, wide.|
|01:00:23||- The first word in entertainment.
- First word.|
- Financial portfolios.|
|01:00:30||- Black leather gloves.
- Research and development.|
|01:00:34||Putting in the man-hours to study
the science of what you need.|
|01:00:37||Last week we put Liquid Paper
on a bee...|
|01:00:40||...and it died.|
|01:00:47||- Possibly you.
- Possibly you.|
|01:00:48||- Oh, this is classic. This is...
- We'd like to present...|
|01:00:52||...the world premiere of Prestige
Worldwide's first music video...|
|01:00:56||...by our first act, Huff and Doback.|
|01:01:00||- Roll it.
- Roll it.|
|01:01:04||Pay close attention, Dad.
It's gonna look familiar.|
|01:01:08||- This is... This is perfect.
- Is that my boat?|
|01:01:11||Yes, it is.|
|01:01:14||What are you doing on my boat?|
|01:01:15||The Nińa, the Pinta
The Santa María|
|01:01:18||I'll do you in the bottom
While you're drinking sangria|
|01:01:21||Nachos and Lemonheads
On my dad's boat|
|01:01:23||You won't go down
'Cause my dick can float|
|01:01:25||We sail around the world
And go port to port|
|01:01:28||Every time I come
I produce a quart|
|01:01:31||That is offensive. Brennan, Dale.|
|01:01:33||I gotta have me my boats and ho's|
|01:01:36||Deadliest Catch without the crabs|
|01:01:38||We're almost out of gas
Call the Arabs|
|01:01:41||Pull up the anchor
'Cause we're leaving dry land|
|01:01:43||Get below deck
With a dick in your hand|
|01:01:46||Boats and ho's
Boats and ho's|
|01:01:49||I gotta have me my boats and ho's|
|01:01:52||Are you ready for some
|01:01:54||- Get a partner.
- Wait a minute.|
|01:01:56||- Who's steering the boat?
- Dad, please shut up.|
|01:01:59||Please shut up!|
|01:02:19||...big question is:|
|01:02:21||Aside from the damage to the boat,
which we will fix...|
|01:02:26||...what'd you think
of the presentation?|
|01:02:28||Brennan, I think that what you did
to Robert's boat was horrid.|
|01:02:34||Having said that,
I think that both of you boys...|
|01:02:37||...showed a lot of enthusiasm
|01:02:40||Yes. Thank you.|
|01:02:43||You gotta be kidding me.|
|01:02:46||They destroyed our dream
and you're calling it inventive.|
|01:02:48||- No, no, no. I didn't mean it like that.
- Yes, you did.|
|01:02:51||Come on, you did.|
|01:02:53||It's gonna be four years, at least,
before we can sail anywhere.|
|01:02:56||- And you could care less, admit it.
- I will not admit that...|
|01:03:00||...because it is not true.
- Oh, yeah.|
|01:03:02||But, you know,
I do think that you could show...|
|01:03:06||...a little bit more attentiveness
to your son and your stepson...|
|01:03:10||...who obviously need you.|
|01:03:12||It's true, Dr. Doback.|
|01:03:13||You've been very cold
and unsupportive of our dreams.|
|01:03:16||You wrecked my fucking boat,
|01:03:18||Don't speak to my son like that.|
|01:03:20||Your son's costing me $80,000.|
|01:03:23||We could bicker about this all night,
but what's done is done, Dad.|
|01:03:27||- Are you guys gonna invest or not?
- That's it! That's it!|
|01:03:30||- What are you doing?
- Grab the wheel!|
|01:03:32||I can't believe
you're being so stingy.|
|01:03:34||- Robert, come down.
- It's a simple business decision.|
|01:03:39||You're failures! Failures!|
|01:03:42||And you're embarrassing yourself,
you geriatric fuck!|
- Two things:|
|01:03:47||You keep your liver-spotted hands
off my beautiful mother.|
|01:03:50||She's a saint!|
|01:03:51||Then you sit down and you write Dale
and Brennan a check for $ 10,000.|
|01:03:55||Oh, stop it.|
|01:03:56||Or I'm gonna shove one of those fake
hearing devices so far up your ass...|
...you can hear the sound...|
|01:04:02||...of your small intestine
as it produces shit!|
|01:04:06||- All right, here we go.
- Oh, my Lord.|
|01:04:07||Somebody should've done this
a long time ago, and I'm gonna do it.|
|01:04:11||- What are you doing?
|01:04:12||There are consequences
for your actions.|
|01:04:14||- No! Robert!
|01:04:17||- This is not the answer.
- You're next, mister.|
|01:04:19||- You understand me?
|01:04:21||- Certain behaviors...
- Let go of me.|
|01:04:24||...will not be tolerated!
- My ass is on fire!|
|01:04:37||Wow, the tree looks great, Nancy.
|01:04:42||Thank you, Dale. That's a very nice
sweater you're wearing.|
|01:04:46||It was my mom's.
I took the shoulder pads out.|
|01:04:50||Oh, and, Brennan? Denise called...|
|01:04:52||...and she said she can't go out
with you on New Year's Eve...|
|01:04:54||...because she's not your girlfriend,
she's your therapist.|
|01:04:57||- Is that what she said?
|01:04:59||She's a rascal.|
|01:05:00||Hey, Dad, Nancy?|
|01:05:03||Would it be cool if Brennan and I
opened just one present each...|
|01:05:08||...since it's Christmas Eve?|
|01:05:10||I'm gonna go down to the
Cheesecake Factory, have a drink.|
|01:05:16||But it's Christmas Eve.|
|01:05:24||I had my eye on one.|
|01:05:26||I hope it's what I think it is.|
|01:05:28||Oh, my God. Hulk Hands!|
|01:05:31||Wait, Dale got Hulk Hands?|
|01:05:37||Well, you reek of Scotch
|01:05:44||...tonight at the Cheesecake Factory
was the happiest I've been in months.|
|01:05:49||- Well, then I feel very sorry for you.
- Well, just...|
|01:05:53||Nancy, I don't know if I can ever
forgive them for wrecking my boat.|
|01:05:57||- Why are you giving up?
- I'm not giving up. I'm not.|
|01:06:00||- You are. You're giving up on our boys.
- But they're 40.|
|01:06:04||I don't care how old they are.
They're still our children.|
|01:06:07||Well, sometime it's got to matter
how old they are.|
|01:06:10||That's all we do, is...
Oh, sweet Jesus.|
You know, they'll go back to bed.|
|01:06:17||See? They're sleepwalking.|
|01:06:22||See, back to bed.|
|01:06:24||They'll be fine.|
I'm gonna wake them up.|
|01:06:28||- No. Why would you do such a thing?
- Well, because it's...|
|01:06:32||- Never, ever wake up a sleepwalker.
- See, that's it.|
|01:06:34||- We can't ever do anything.
|01:06:36||But they could do real harm
to themselves or others.|
|01:06:39||- Oh, the Christmas presents.
- No, guys... No, no, don't...|
|01:06:41||- No. But...
- I think we should take control.|
|01:06:44||- It's always about them.
- How do you propose to do that?|
|01:06:47||- Oh, Jesus.
- Whatever you do, don't wake them.|
|01:06:50||They might do real harm
to themselves or others.|
|01:06:53||- Not everybody does know that.
- Oh, the Christmas tree!|
|01:06:56||Oh, not the... No, don't...
All right, that's it!|
|01:06:59||- I'm waking them up!
- No! No!|
|01:07:01||- Don't wake them up!
- That's a myth!|
|01:07:03||- Wake up, both of you.
|01:07:07||I told you! I told you!|
|01:07:10||Stop it! Don't hurt him!|
|01:07:13||The pictures! Nancy!|
|01:07:29||I mean, I was driving around
with a buddy of mine, Topher.|
|01:07:32||You guys remember Topher, right?|
|01:07:33||Driving around, he has this
brand-new Testarossa, right?|
|01:07:36||We hit this four-point buck. Dead.
Lying in the road.|
|01:07:40||Long story short,
we sue the state of Michigan.|
|01:07:43||I end up getting 125 G's. Okay?
You know what I spent that money on?|
|01:07:47||Sniper rifle to hunt deer.|
|01:07:52||Either way, the deers lose,
Eat all the damn flowers, anyway.|
|01:08:03||If you'll excuse me...|
|01:08:04||...I think I'm going to go into
the other room to check my hair.|
|01:08:08||- Excuse me.
- Sorry, everybody.|
|01:08:10||If you'll excuse
my space-cadet wife here.|
|01:08:12||Let's just say the meds
|01:08:15||I'm kidding. Kidding. But not at all.|
|01:08:19||I have to get some more gravy.|
|01:08:21||- Oh, Dale, it's right there.
- Oh, no.|
|01:08:23||Shush up, Nancy.
I have to get some more bread.|
|01:08:27||What did I do to deserve that?|
|01:08:33||What do any of us do
to deserve anything?|
|01:08:35||I pay enough taxes to support
all these lazy goddamn liberals.|
|01:08:42||Get off me! Off!
Get back. Get back! Back!|
|01:08:54||- What do you want?
- Merry Christmas, darling.|
|01:08:56||- Merry Christmas.
- Oh, that was torture.|
|01:09:01||I couldn't eat another bite of turkey
without thinking of you inside of me.|
|01:09:04||Come on, let's try something illegal.|
|01:09:06||So, Tommy, what did you
get for Christmas?|
|01:09:09||Well, Santa brought me the Bowflex
and $ 1000 in fresh-minted $50 bills.|
|01:09:14||Wanna know what I got
for Christmas? A crushed soul.|
|01:09:23||- Alice, please.
- Sing along, Santa.|
|01:09:25||You know this song.|
|01:09:26||What is that noise?|
|01:09:29||It's... This is the ghost.|
|01:09:31||- Just try to be quiet. Okay.
- You're right. You're right.|
|01:09:34||- We've got to be discreet.
- All right.|
|01:09:37||No, no! Oh, hey.|
|01:09:40||Are you all still talking in here?|
|01:09:43||What are you doing?|
|01:09:46||Alice was moving a chair from the
living room into the dining room...|
|01:09:49||...for an extra chair
and her back went out.|
|01:09:53||And I just did the best thing,
which is get right on the muscles...|
...so they don't seize up.|
|01:09:59||Just add some heat to it.|
|01:10:04||Damn it, Dale, sit down.|
|01:10:06||It's just a real deep, tight muscle.|
can you grab me a beer?|
|01:10:11||- I'll get you another Heineken.
|01:10:16||And how about you, Tiffany,
what did you get for Christmas?|
|01:10:19||I got this Mikimoto pearl necklace.|
|01:10:22||But next year I'm gonna ask
Santa for breast implants...|
|01:10:25||...because I'm impatient
with my body.|
|01:10:27||Hey, Tiffany. Wanna know
what I got? A crushed soul.|
|01:10:31||You mentioned that earlier.|
|01:10:34||- So good.
- Oh, gosh!|
|01:10:35||It's gone into a real bad spasm,
so I put a yoga move on her.|
|01:10:41||- grant me this one,
because I was pretty wasted.|
|01:10:44||So I put my lips
around that breathalyzer...|
|01:10:46||...and I saw those numerals pop up:|
|01:10:54||So I started going to Chad
Michael Murray's Christmas party.|
|01:10:58||I think that was the year.
And just driving...|
|01:11:01||I have to interrupt you. Robert, while
the children are in the living room...|
|01:11:04||...I think this would be a good time
to make our announcement.|
|01:11:08||- What's going on?
- It's over.|
|01:11:11||I'm gonna be moving in
with my friend Jack Handle...|
|01:11:14||...and Nancy found a townhouse
in the city.|
|01:11:18||What is this? What's happening?|
|01:11:20||What Robert is trying to say
is that we are getting a divorce.|
|01:11:24||- Don't do this.
- No. No!|
|01:11:26||- I could've called this one.
- Is it our fault?|
|01:11:30||- Is it because we were bad?
- No. No.|
|01:11:32||The main thing that
Robert and I talked about...|
|01:11:36||...is that we did not want you two
to blame yourselves.|
|01:11:38||- What can we do to fix it?
- Dale, honey, are you okay?|
|01:11:42||- Why are you calling him "honey"?
- I cannot stress this enough:|
|01:11:45||- It is not your fault.
- Whose fault is it?|
|01:11:49||- Fuck it, I wanna fucking know!
- Let's cut the shit.|
|01:11:51||- It is directly your fault.
|01:11:55||You destroyed my boat.|
|01:11:57||You beat me up in your sleep...|
|01:11:58||...and worst of all, you made
Nancy and I resent each other.|
|01:12:03||- It is absolutely 150 percent your fault!
- Of course it's their fault.|
|01:12:08||They're the world's biggest dickheads,
and they're living in your house.|
|01:12:11||- Shut up, Derek.
- I'm sorry, but that...|
|01:12:15||Please don't cry like that.
Please don't, Brennan.|
|01:12:26||I told you that they would feel
completely to blame.|
|01:12:29||- Oh, let's grow up.
- I think I'm going to throw up.|
|01:12:33||- I think I'm gonna throw up...
- Don't throw up.|
|01:12:36||...all the nice dinner that I had.
I'm gonna throw it up.|
|01:12:40||- You're not gonna throw up.
- He's gonna throw up.|
|01:12:43||- Come on.
- My God, he threw up. Oh, this is ugly.|
|01:12:46||- Hey, guys. Guys.
- This is not nice!|
|01:12:48||- All right, dipshits. Right here.
- Stop it, Derek.|
|01:12:51||- One, two, three...
- I don't want my picture taken now.|
|01:13:03||Good luck, and remember, I need you
out of this house by tomorrow.|
|01:13:17||If there's anything you need,
anything that you boys need...|
|01:13:20||...you just give me a call. Okay?
It's all right.|
|01:13:29||Hey. Are you awake?|
|01:13:37||I can't believe we actually
have to move out of this house.|
|01:13:41||I know. I feel bad.|
|01:13:44||Hey, you know,
we don't have to whisper anymore.|
|01:13:47||Mom and Dad aren't here.|
|01:13:48||Yeah, but can we keep
doing it, though?|
|01:13:50||It helps me pretend that they are.|
|01:13:53||You must feel just terrible.|
|01:13:56||- I mean, I know I feel bad.
|01:14:00||But I can't imagine how you feel...|
|01:14:02||...after my dad looked
right at you and said...|
|01:14:05||...it's all your fault
that they broke up.|
|01:14:08||That's funny, because my mom said:|
|01:14:12||"If that curly-headed fuck Dale
|01:14:14||...everything would be perfect."|
|01:14:18||- You take that back.
- No way. It's your fault.|
|01:14:21||You know what your problem is?|
|01:14:23||You live in a fantasy land.
You refuse to get a job...|
|01:14:26||...and you don't know what it's like
to work for something.|
|01:14:29||You don't take responsibility for
your actions. This is all your fault!|
|01:14:33||Well, you're a mama's boy
who's too chicken to sing in public!|
|01:14:38||Yeah, that's right.|
|01:14:39||Run away, little boy,
because you know it's true.|
|01:14:42||Just avoid everything.|
|01:14:45||What are you doing?|
|01:14:47||- Dale broke up Mom and Dad
|01:14:50||Dale broke up Mom and Dad
Dale broke up Mom and Dad|
|01:14:54||- Dale broke up Mom and...
|01:15:02||Get up, Brennan,
I know you're faking. Get up!|
|01:15:15||It's just like Cold Case Files.
It's just like Cold Case Files.|
|01:15:18||It's just like Cold Case Files.|
|01:15:21||People die every day.|
|01:15:23||Give him a proper burial
in an unmarked grave...|
|01:15:31||- Brennan! You're alive! Oh, my God.
- I know.|
|01:15:38||- You were dead. I saw you die!
- I was faking.|
|01:15:42||I used ninja focus
to slow my heart rate down.|
|01:15:45||- What are you doing?
- I'm burying you.|
|01:15:48||- I'm alive. Brennan, I'm alive.
- You're waking the neighbors!|
|01:15:51||- Shut up!
- No. No.|
|01:15:55||- Now I'm gonna play your drum set.
- Help me.|
|01:15:58||Close your eyes.
Let the dirt just shower over you.|
|01:16:02||This is your fault.|
|01:16:04||Oh, I'm exhausted.
I'm gonna sleep good tonight.|
|01:16:12||- Don't you touch my drums!
|01:16:19||Get off me, zombie.|
|01:16:36||I'm late for school.|
|01:16:37||I will kiss you right on the mouth,
|01:16:42||- Just get off me.
|01:16:48||So I guess it's really over.|
|01:16:50||I'd say you trying to bury me alive
pretty much did it.|
|01:16:53||You know what I just realized?|
|01:16:55||You've been the one
dragging me down.|
|01:16:58||Now I'm gonna go out and I'm gonna
get a job and an apartment...|
|01:17:01||...and then I'm gonna get Mom
and Dr. Doback back together.|
|01:17:04||I'm gonna be the hero,
and you can suck on it.|
|01:17:10||My life was perfect
before you came here.|
|01:17:13||Me and my dad had a perfect setup,
and you wrecked it.|
|01:17:23||We're no longer brothers.|
|01:17:25||We never were.
We were stepbrothers.|
|01:17:42||- That was one of your best.
- These balls fucking suck.|
|01:17:48||Well, well, well,
look who's here, boys.|
|01:17:50||Can you give me a job, please?|
|01:17:54||TJ, get an office pool going.|
|01:17:58||Give Ken-Doll Crotch here
two weeks, tops.|
|01:18:01||Dr. Angel Face,
I just wanted to say thank you...|
|01:18:03||...for meeting me
on such short notice.|
|01:18:07||- Don't call me Angel Face.
- I apologize.|
|01:18:10||I'm very alone right now, and the thing
I wanna ask you to help me...|
|01:18:15||To show me how I can be
|01:18:18||Do I carry my
high-school diploma around?|
|01:18:20||What do you do with your hair?|
|01:18:22||What happens if there's
|01:18:24||Where do you...?
What do you wear?|
|01:18:26||Can you wash clothes
in the dishwasher?|
|01:18:28||I notice that there's a long gap
in your job history...|
|01:18:31||...and it said for 22 years...|
|01:18:35||...you went Kerouac
on everyone's ass?|
|01:18:38||I'm gonna be honest with you.
I really need a job.|
|01:18:41||And I will take any position,
as long as it doesn't involve...|
|01:18:44||...having sex with old ladies
for money or bear traps.|
|01:18:48||- Those are my two bugaboos.
- All right, got it.|
|01:18:51||There's a catering business,
there's a temp job open.|
|01:18:54||And you get to play with fire.|
|01:20:09||What do you want?
This is my online-poker time.|
|01:20:11||I'm ready to take on
the Catalina Wine Mixer.|
|01:20:14||Slow down there, Speed Racer.|
|01:20:16||I know what it entails,
and I'm ready to nail it.|
|01:20:18||I want it, okay?
I want the Catalina Wine Mixer.|
|01:20:21||- Yo, yo.
- Hey, D-man.|
|01:20:23||- You tell him what's up?
- I sure did.|
|01:20:26||Your brother wants a shot
at the Catalina Wine Mixer.|
|01:20:29||I'm ready, walking tall.|
|01:20:30||You're ready to run with the bulls?|
|01:20:32||I've been earning and burning,
snapping necks and cashing checks.|
|01:20:37||Screw it, let's let him do it.
It's a win-win for me...|
|01:20:39||...because if you fuck up, Brennan...
|01:20:42||...I get to fire your ass. But if you pull
it off, I look like a genius to the board.|
- I get it.|
|01:20:48||Brennan, here's the thing.|
|01:20:50||It's the Catalina fucking
Wine Mixer, okay?|
|01:20:53||Are you saying "pow"?
What are you saying?|
|01:20:56||It's the biggest helicopter-leasing
event in the Western Hemisphere...|
|01:21:02||- Why does he keep doing that?
- I have to sell or lease...|
|01:21:05||...at least 80 choppers
to make my nut.|
|01:21:07||And you mess with my nut, Brennan,
Randy here is gonna eat your dick.|
|01:21:16||I've seen him do it.|
|01:21:17||You've seen him eat a penis?|
|01:21:19||It was in international waters,
so they couldn't prosecute him.|
|01:21:22||I tell you now, I'll nail it.
I'll pull it off, okay?|
|01:21:25||Wait a second,
why do you want this so bad?|
|01:21:27||Trying to get Mom and Dad
back together or something?|
|01:21:29||- Why do I want this?
|01:21:31||Because I wanna make bank, bro.
I wanna get ass.|
|01:21:36||And I wanna drive a Range Rover.|
|01:21:38||Okay, well, you better, Brennan.|
|01:21:39||This is the fucking
Catalina Wine Mixer.|
|01:22:02||Hi. What are you doing here?|
|01:22:06||Well, Dale's working the function.|
|01:22:08||Guys, this is supposed to be jicama,
not bok choy.|
|01:22:13||And I got an invitation from Brennan.|
|01:22:16||Can you believe
Brennan put all this together?|
|01:22:22||And now here we all are in Catalina.|
|01:22:24||- It's funny, huh?
- Yeah, it's funny.|
|01:22:28||- Hey, hey, hey.
|01:22:32||Not bad. You're nailing it.|
|01:22:34||- Thanks, Randy. That means a lot.
|01:22:36||I don't know what it is...|
|01:22:38||...but I wanna deliver one of these
right in your suck hole.|
|01:22:41||- Is there anything I can do?
- No. Not really. It's your face.|
|01:22:44||Again, you're doing great, man.
The Catalina Wine Mixer.|
|01:22:47||We're all having a great time,
|01:22:49||You pulled it off.
But if you don't change your face...|
|01:22:52||...l'm gonna change it for you.
- Okay. Okay.|
|01:22:54||All I can do is take that in,
|01:22:56||...and I'll just do my best version
of whatever I think that would be.|
|01:23:00||I don't even hear you,
your face is driving me nuts.|
|01:23:03||- Thanks again, though.
- Oh, tits. Hold on.|
|01:23:05||- Hey. Hello, Catalina Wine Mixer.
|01:23:09||How are you? We are Uptown Girl.|
|01:23:11||We are California's preeminent
1980s Billy Joel cover band.|
|01:23:17||What did I just say, man?|
|01:23:19||All right, we don't play that...|
|01:23:21||...so let's keep it in the '80s
and let's keep it fun.|
|01:23:24||You having a good time?|
|01:23:25||I hope you are,
because sometimes life can be tough.|
|01:23:29||And I know that sometimes
it's hard to "Keeping the Faith."|
|01:23:43||You guys seem to be hitting it off.|
|01:23:47||Oh, my God,
this is the greatest party.|
|01:23:49||- Hello, Robert.
- Way to go.|
|01:23:50||- Brennan, this is fantastic.
- Way to go.|
|01:23:55||- Hi, Dad. Hi, Nancy.
- Hi, Dale.|
|01:23:57||- Hey, Brennan.
- It's good to see you.|
|01:23:59||Thanks for hiring
our catering company.|
|01:24:01||Easy decision. You guys have
a outstanding track record.|
|01:24:05||- Just like old times, huh?
- Right, it really is.|
|01:24:08||You still have your
|01:24:10||No, no. No, I had to sell those
to pay for car insurance.|
|01:24:14||How about you?
You still breaking boards...|
|01:24:16||...or kicking holes in pumpkins
|01:24:21||But I did start taking baby aspirin
to reduce my risk for heart attack.|
|01:24:24||That makes sense.
Gotta keep an eye on it, you know.|
|01:24:27||- Knock off the sweets.
- Thank you.|
|01:24:34||It's a truly funny observation.|
|01:24:39||Dale, the empanadas
are starting to sweat.|
|01:24:42||Okay. I better run.|
|01:24:44||- It's good to see you, Brennan.
- You too.|
|01:24:46||- Take care, be well. Take care, Dad.
- Okay, buddy.|
|01:24:49||- It's great to talk to him.
|01:24:53||I gotta go too.|
|01:24:54||We should do this again.
I think it was very constructive.|
|01:25:01||- Maybe grab a bite to eat?
|01:25:04||- Go to Outback Steakhouse.
|01:25:06||I've grown very fond of that place.|
|01:25:09||Thank you for coming.|
|01:25:11||Great to see you.|
|01:25:14||It was very nice to see you, Robert.|
|01:25:17||I think Brennan organized this
whole thing to get us back together.|
|01:25:24||You have to excuse me.
I think that I just might cry.|
|01:25:29||It's the funniest thing. Bye-bye.|
|01:25:37||"Start the Fire," buddy!|
|01:25:40||Come on, man. Play something
from The Stranger!|
|01:25:43||We strictly do '80s Joel music, sir.|
|01:25:49||'80s Billy Joel doo-wop sucks!|
|01:25:51||Hey, listen, motherfucker,
we only sing '80s Joel!|
|01:25:54||So take your skank hooker wife
and get the fuck out of here!|
|01:26:00||- What's wrong?
- All right. "What's wrong?"|
|01:26:02||Get him out of here.
Get his ass out of here!|
|01:26:06||Hey, great job, fuck face. You just
busted my nut. This party's shot.|
|01:26:10||Just relax. I didn't realize
he would say these things.|
|01:26:13||You know what?
You cost me money.|
|01:26:15||So this isn't even
a judgment call, man.|
|01:26:17||- You're Audi 5000, my friend.
- Derek, can't we talk about this?|
|01:26:24||- Is everything okay?
- No. He just fired me.|
|01:26:27||What happened to the music?|
|01:26:28||The band left. The guy freaked out.|
|01:26:31||Derek fired me.|
|01:26:32||- It's no big deal.
- Robert, you don't get it.|
|01:26:35||It's the Catalina Wine Mixer!|
|01:26:37||People have killed
to be in the position I'm in.|
|01:26:39||- He's right. It's a big deal.
- Here's a thought:|
|01:26:42||I see an empty stage.|
|01:26:44||I see drums, I see a drummer.|
|01:26:47||I see a microphone,
and I see a singer.|
|01:26:50||- Dad, come on.
|01:26:51||- We gave that stuff up.
- We don't do that.|
|01:26:53||Listen to me.
Dale, look, when I was a kid...|
|01:26:56||...when I was a little boy,
I always wanted to be a dinosaur.|
|01:26:59||I wanted to be a Tyrannosaurus rex
more than anything.|
|01:27:02||I made my arms short
and I roamed the backyard...|
|01:27:05||...and I chased the neighborhood cats,
and I growled and I roared.|
|01:27:09||Everybody knew me
and was afraid of me.|
|01:27:11||And then one day, my dad said:|
|01:27:13||"Bobby, you're 17. It's time
to throw childish things aside."|
|01:27:17||And I said, "Okay, Pop."|
|01:27:18||But he didn't really say that, he said,
"Stop being a dinosaur and get a job."|
|01:27:22||But, you know, I thought to myself,
"I'll go to medical school...|
|01:27:26||...l'll practice for a little while,
and then I'll come back to it."|
- How is that a skill?|
|01:27:31||But I forgot how to do it.|
|01:27:34||- You could never be a dinosaur.
|01:27:38||Hey, I lost it.|
|01:27:40||- Dad, what's the point?
|01:27:43||The point is
don't lose your dinosaur.|
|01:27:46||Yeah. You know, I hated
the way you guys were before.|
|01:27:49||I mean, I hated you.|
|01:27:50||But it just kills me to see you
so crushed and normal.|
|01:27:55||Listen to me, don't listen to me...|
that's what you gotta do.|
|01:28:01||- You're saying we should go for it.
- That's what I'm saying.|
|01:28:05||What do you think, Brennan?|
|01:28:06||I'm so scared right now.
I'm gonna do what's sensible:|
|01:28:09||I'm gonna file for unemployment...|
|01:28:11||...and I'm gonna try to get a job
at Enterprise Rent-A-Car.|
|01:28:14||Because they got
a excellent corporate structure...|
|01:28:17||...and they give you the tools
to be your own boss.|
|01:28:20||My dad's right.|
|01:28:22||This isn't me.|
|01:28:24||I'm fucking miserable.
I had to get up at 10:00 this morning.|
|01:28:27||And even though
I just got a tidal wave of nerves...|
|01:28:31||...l'm going up on that stage...|
|01:28:33||...and I'm gonna make beautiful music
for a sad world.|
- That's the boy I know.|
|01:28:38||This crowd's gonna eat him alive.|
|01:28:43||Wait, what's he doing up there?|
|01:28:44||Somebody get him
off the fucking stage!|
|01:28:47||Hi. How you doing?|
|01:28:49||My name's Dale Doback,
and I hope you like to kick it.|
|01:28:52||Oh, go get them, Dale!|
|01:28:56||Boats and ho's|
|01:28:57||Get off the stage, you dick!|
|01:28:59||Stop yelling at him.|
|01:29:05||He's a human being.|
|01:29:06||Dale has a mangina
Dale has a mangina|
|01:29:12||Gotta have me my boats and ho's|
|01:29:14||He's up there alone, Brennan.
He's up there alone.|
|01:29:18||Gotta have me my boats and ho's|
|01:29:21||- You suck!
- What are you doing, Brennan?|
|01:29:23||Gotta have me my...|
|01:29:28||- What did you do?
- Oh, Jesus, Nancy.|
|01:29:30||I couldn't stand to see him like that.
I miss my son.|
|01:29:32||All right. Let me go for a few bars.
Come in soft, but then finish strong.|
|01:29:37||- Okay. Hey, Brennan?
|01:29:39||- Thanks for coming up.
- You got it, Dragon.|
|01:29:43||We got a little change coming up.|
|01:29:45||It's my main man Brennan.|
|01:30:43||Boats and ho's|
|01:31:03||Boats and ho's|
|01:31:52||- You did it, Derek.
- I made a kite fly.|
|01:31:55||Brennan, you're the best
big brother ever!|
|01:32:07||- floor mats. The ones that match
the seats, and I kind of wanted...|
|01:32:11||I traveled 500 miles
to give you my seed.|
|01:32:57||Rock the fuck
out of those drums, Dale!|
|01:33:41||- We're Prestige Worldwide!
- Prestige Worldwide!|
|01:33:44||- Fucking Catalina Wine Mixer.
- It's the fucking Catalina Wine Mixer.|
|01:33:49||It's the fucking Catalina Wine Mixer.|
|01:33:52||Brennan, that was sublime.|
We are so proud of you both.|
|01:33:56||- Thank you.
|01:33:58||- Thank you so much.
|01:33:59||So I made my quota.
Yeah, we sold a shit-ton of copters.|
|01:34:03||- That's so good.
|01:34:05||Look, I'm not great at
this Hallmark stuff...|
when I look at you now...|
|01:34:11||...I don't wanna kick you
in the head quite as much.|
|01:34:17||- That was beautiful.
- That was nice.|
|01:34:21||- What do we do now?
- We could hug.|
|01:34:23||Yeah, you'd like that, faggot.
|01:34:42||- It's okay.
|01:34:58||- That's what we've been looking for.
- That's the ticket.|
|01:35:03||We've never done anything like that,
so you can't expect it to be perfect.|
|01:35:06||It was good.|
|01:35:08||- Felt good.
- Gotten close to a hug.|
|01:35:10||- Hello, Brennan. Hi.
- Denise. Hey.|
|01:35:14||Robert, Mom, Derek,
this is my girlfriend, Denise.|
|01:35:17||- Hi. How are you?
- Actually, I'm his therapist.|
|01:35:20||- We are in absolutely no way dating.
|01:35:23||Brennan told me he was going to
hurl his body off a helicopter...|
|01:35:27||...into shark-infested waters...|
|01:35:30||...so I had a legal obligation
to be here.|
|01:35:32||I get it.|
|01:35:34||Don't wanna appear too eager,
and that is a good strategy too.|
|01:35:38||You are an enabler.
You think you're helping...|
|01:35:40||...but you're not.
- And you are a keeper.|
|01:35:42||What'd you think?|
|01:35:45||Brennan, I thought
you were incredibly brave.|
|01:35:49||And I mean that...|
|01:35:50||...in strictly the most clinical
and professional sense possible...|
|01:35:54||...with no emotional,
|01:35:58||...or any other undertones
that you could possibly infer.|
|01:36:00||God, you're gonna make me cry.|
|01:36:04||What poem is that from?
Is that James Joyce?|
|01:36:10||...I like making sex with you.
|01:36:12||I do. But you're also married.|
|01:36:19||This is crazy. I'm a mother.|
|01:36:21||I have two children,
I have a husband, a beautiful home.|
|01:36:24||- I can't be fucking around with you.
- It was fun. It was fun, right?|
|01:36:27||- It was fun while it lasted.
- I'm glad. All right, well, good luck.|
- Oh, my God, Dale!|
|01:36:36||- Please don't leave me.
- Oh, my God. Look at that whale.|
|01:36:52||So I was with Seal...|
|01:36:53||...and we were just taking a chopper
up to Everest base camp...|
|01:36:57||...and the plot to my Sherpa...
- Derek. Derek.|
|01:36:59||- Sorry. Okay.
- Remember, we talked about this.|
Tell me about the karaoke business.|
|01:37:05||Really great, Dad.
Yeah. We call it Karaoke 'n' Roll.|
|01:37:09||We got six bars, three restaurants,
and two more wanna sign up.|
|01:37:12||- So it's booming.
|01:37:14||Most karaoke it's,
"Open to everyone.|
|01:37:16||- Hey, just get up and have fun."
- Not you guys.|
|01:37:18||If you can't sing, just sit down.
That's our motto.|
|01:37:21||- It's the big leagues.
- You guys are doing so great.|
|01:37:24||Guys, I have a little Christmas
surprise for Dale and Brennan.|
|01:37:29||- You wanna see it?
|01:37:30||- You bet!
- Let's go look at it! Come on.|
|01:37:33||- Don't peek.
- I smell cookies.|
|01:37:35||Be patient. No, no. No, no.|
|01:37:38||- Just a pińata, isn't it?
- Be patient. Be patient.|
|01:37:41||- Be patient.
- Did you get me a tiger, Dad?|
|01:37:43||Okay, open your eyes.|
|01:37:48||Dad, I can't believe
you put the boat in the tree!|
|01:37:51||This is amazing!|
|01:37:54||- It's The Gilded Lady. She lives!
- I can't believe it.|
|01:37:57||- How'd you get it up here?
- Oh, Robert, it's so great.|
|01:38:02||- Pirate hats!
- Pirate hats!|
|01:38:09||Dad, that was so thoughtful!|
|01:38:16||You guys finally came to your senses
and got us something cool.|
|01:38:19||You both know this is
completely fucked up, right?|
- Of course.|
|01:38:23||But Brennan sure can wear the shit
out of that pirate hat.|
|01:38:27||- Chewbacca masks!
- Chewbacca masks!|
|01:38:34||It's okay that mine's
|01:39:03||But he's like, "No, because you drove
my car last week, so I can't get it."|
|01:39:07||So I'm like "You're gonna buy it for me
or I'm gonna sock you in the mouth."|
|01:39:27||Well, if it isn't Dale Doback
and his little butt buddy.|
|01:39:31||Sticks and stones
may break my bones...|
|01:39:33||...but I'm gonna kick you repeatedly
in the balls, Gardocki!|
|01:39:37||Let's get them!|
|01:40:26||- Where do you think you're going?
|01:40:28||- We got something to show you.
- Come on.|
|01:40:32||- You see that white dog crap?
- Do you see it?!|
- Not too fun down there, is it?|
- You see?|
|01:40:39||Your actions have consequences!|
|01:40:41||When you oppress people,
they rise up in a fiery anger!|
|01:40:50||We're not like you.
We're grown-ups, motherfucker!|
|01:40:53||Say hi to your dad.
We went to high school together.|
|01:41:03||The cops'll be here soon.|
|01:41:06||I guess this is what it feels like
to be grown up.|
|01:41:11||Can I ask you something?|
|01:41:13||Yeah, of course.|
|01:41:15||You know back when
you first moved in?|
|01:41:18||- Did you touch my drum set?
- No, I didn't.|
|01:41:21||No, really, I won't get mad.
I just wanna know.|
|01:41:23||No, I know.
You said you wouldn't get mad.|
|01:41:25||I'm saying I didn't do it.
I didn't do it, I never did it.|
|01:41:28||- Then I owe you an apology.
|01:41:30||No, you don't, at all.
|01:41:32||Why wouldn't you take an apology
if you didn't do it?|
|01:41:34||Just because I'm cool.
It doesn't matter.|
|01:45:18||You got my passport.|
|01:45:25||Don't worry, not gonna be late.
|01:46:28||Subtitles by LeapinLar|