Step Brothers

00:01:11Hey, Brennan.
00:01:14Mom, I'm watching the thing with the lady.
00:01:17I'm leaving. Okay? I'll be home around 11.
00:01:19- Bye, Mom. - Bye, Brennan.
00:01:22Let's slowly get those hips up. Good. Now, hold it right here. Great.
00:01:33Dale, I'm leaving for the conference.
00:01:35- You leave me money for pizza, Dad? - Yeah, there's $20 on the hall table.
00:01:39Do not order pay-per-view, buddy.
00:01:41- But what if I want wings? - You don't need wings.
00:01:44That's not enough, Dad!
00:01:46The RTI cochlear implant... the state-of-the-art implantable hearing device...
00:01:50...due to its input processing of sound via the speech processor.
00:01:55But the most exciting new development... the external processor...
00:01:59...which fits directly over the ear...
00:02:02...which eliminates the need to put your face between those breasts.
00:02:08I'm sorry. I'm just... I'm so lost. And this never happens to me.
00:02:15My name is Robert, and I play racquetball. I collect coins.
00:02:19Sweet Jesus! I love Korean food.
00:02:20I am Nancy Huff. I know how to make tandoori chicken...
00:02:23...I contribute to NPR every single year...
00:02:26...and I love the movies of Rob Reiner.
00:02:28Pilates changed my life.
00:02:30I have a boat, and I wanna retire and sail around the world.
00:02:34- I love the sea! - And I drive a Mercedes...
00:02:36...and I have a 40-year-old son, Dale, who still lives at home.
00:02:39- What did you just say? - I knew I shouldn't have told you that.
00:02:43I have a 39-year-old son named Brennan...
00:02:45...who still lives at home with me.
00:02:57I would like to thank all of you...
00:03:00...for being here with us on this fantastic, wonderful day.
00:03:04And I would like to raise my glass.
00:03:08Dale and I wanna welcome you to our home with open arms.
00:03:14- Get a room, Dad. - Oh, for chri... Dale!
00:03:17Well, as you all know, my youngest son, Derek, couldn't be here...
00:03:21...because of an important fishing trip.
00:03:24But my other son, Brennan, was going to be moving into his own place...
00:03:29...but he was recently let go from his job at PetSmart... he is gonna be living with us.
00:03:37I wasn't fired from my job, I was laid off!
00:03:40But you wouldn't know the difference.
00:03:42I didn't want salmon! I said it four times.
00:03:50This wedding is horseshit.
00:03:56Somebody's awfully quiet back there.
00:04:00I'm not gonna call him Dad.
00:04:03Brennan, you're 39 years old.
00:04:05I would not expect you to call him Dad.
00:04:07Well, I'm not going to, ever. Even if there's a fire.
00:04:13Robert better not get in my face...
00:04:16...because I'll drop that motherfucker.
00:04:18Jesus, Brennan.
00:04:20I'm just saying, I think you gotta think about your options.
00:04:24I know that you are technically married now...
00:04:27...but that does not mean that they have to live here.
00:04:32Dale, I think it's time for a change for both of us.
00:04:37Dad, we're men, okay?
00:04:40That means a few things.
00:04:43We like to shit with the door open. We talk about pussy.
00:04:47We go on riverboat-gambling trips. We make our own beef jerky.
00:04:50That's what we do. And now that is all wrecked.
00:04:55We literally have never done any of those things.
00:04:58Where did he go to medical school?
00:05:00He went to Northwestern and Johns Hopkins.
00:05:03- Is that good enough for you? - No, it's not.
00:05:07Well, Brennan, those are very prestigious schools.
00:05:11I smoked pot with Johnny Hopkins.
00:05:13You don't know anyone named Johnny Hopkins.
00:05:16It was Johnny Hopkins and Sloan Kettering...
00:05:19...and they were blazing that shit up every day.
00:05:22All right, here's a scenario for you, Dad.
00:05:26Suppose Nancy sees me coming out of the shower...
00:05:28...and decides to come on to me. I'm looking good.
00:05:31I've got a luscious V of hair...
00:05:34...going from my chest pubes down to my ball-fro.
00:05:37And she takes one look at me, and she goes:
00:05:40"Oh, my God.
00:05:42I've had the old bull, now I want the young calf."
00:05:46- And she grabs me by the wiener. - Shut the fuck up!
00:06:02- Come on, Brennan. - I'm fine here.
00:06:07- There you are. - Hi.
00:06:10Oh, you look so cute in your moving clothes.
00:06:13- How was it? - It was easy.
00:06:15The movers did everything.
00:06:20Where's Brennan?
00:06:22He's still in the car.
00:06:24It was kind of a rough drive.
00:06:26Hey, Robert, what's all the commotion?
00:06:28- Hey, Don. - Is that your wife, Nancy?
00:06:31- Right here, Don. - Can I come over this afternoon...
00:06:34...and touch your face? - Sure.
00:06:36Thanks. Good luck, guys.
00:06:37We'll see you, Don.
00:06:38Let's go, Cinnamon. Heel, Cinnamon.
00:06:43Heel! Cinnamon!
00:06:48Hi, Dale.
00:06:49Hey, Nancy. Could you make me a grilled-cheese sandwich?
00:06:52- Sure. - No.
00:06:54Dale just ate. He's testing you to see how much he can get away with.
00:06:57- I see. - I'm hungry.
00:06:59Look in your right hand.
00:07:01- I sure don't mind a bit. I really don't. - No, no.
00:07:03No, no. He's fine.
00:07:33I'm Brennan.
00:07:35I'm Dale.
00:07:37But you have to call me Dragon.
00:07:40You have to call me Nighthawk.
00:08:06Please don't do that.
00:08:15Now, that's enough ketchup. Come on. Dale.
00:08:20- I like it. - That's enough.
00:08:22Dale, I don't know if you...
00:08:24You might wanna try this. I make a sauce, we call it "fancy sauce"...
00:08:29For me.
00:08:31- that Brennan really likes with his chicken nuggets.
00:08:35It's my fancy sauce.
00:08:36Well, when Brennan finishes, I'll give you some of this, and it's...
00:08:41It's ketchup and mayonnaise mixed together, so...
00:08:45It's so good.
00:08:47- I want some fancy sauce. - Yeah.
00:08:49- I'm not done using it. - Looks good.
00:08:51- Can I have fancy sauce? - Of course. Of course.
00:08:54- I'm using it right now. - Okay.
00:08:56- So let's just let him try some. - You wanna try it, Dale?
00:08:59Yeah, I really would like some.
00:09:02Just one last spoonful.
00:09:04Hey, I think you've got enough there, Brennan.
00:09:07- So here you go. - Thanks.
00:09:09It's ketchup and mayonnaise.
00:09:13- I don't like it. It smells weird. - Okay.
00:09:15- I'll try some. - You want some?
00:09:16- Sure. Absolutely. - Okay.
00:09:18You don't mind, do you, Brennan? No. Okay.
00:09:23- Brennan... - I'm not comfortable...
00:09:25It's okay. It's probably not good on fish anyway.
00:09:27My dad's king of the castle, so if he wants fancy sauce, he should...
00:09:30- No, it's all right, Dale. - He can make his own batch.
00:09:33So you know what?
00:09:34Today, when you were driving around, Dale was telling me that he's really...
00:09:39...into kung fu, and I was telling him that you're really into kung fu as well.
00:09:46I have a green belt.
00:09:49Read it and weep.
00:09:50I don't believe in belts.
00:09:52There should be no ranking system for toughness.
00:09:55But one time I wrestled a giraffe to the ground with my bare hands.
00:09:58That's not true, Dale. Don't be ridiculous.
00:10:02So, Dale, what have you been working on recently?
00:10:08...I manage a baseball team.
00:10:10- Little League? - Fantasy league.
00:10:22Take a picture. It'll last longer.
00:10:24Why don't you stop being so confrontational, Dale?
00:10:27I'm not the one staring at me.
00:10:29So, Brennan, how about you?
00:10:31I know you used to work at PetSmart.
00:10:36- That's right, Mr. Doback. - Call me Robert.
00:10:39- That's right, Robin. - Robert.
00:10:45Actually, Brennan is a really talented person.
00:10:49He's a very gifted singer.
00:10:52- I'm really, really good. - How good?
00:10:56I've been called the songbird of my generation... people who've heard me.
00:11:02That good.
00:11:03The only trick is is that Brennan's very...
00:11:07...particular about who he sings in front of, so...
00:11:11I'm his mom, for example, I've only heard him sing twice.
00:11:15That's funny that you say that, because I can sing too.
00:11:17In fact, I'll sing right now.
00:11:19If you wanna get down On these hairy balls
00:11:22- Hey! - Why don't you jump right in?
00:11:25It's a crotch party right up in here
00:11:27- Stop it! - Why don't you lick on this big joint?
00:11:29Stop it, Dale! Stop it! Stop it!
00:11:32That's cute.
00:11:33I remember when I had my first beer.
00:11:36That's so funny, the last time I heard that...
00:11:38...I laughed so hard I fell off my dinosaur.
00:11:40Stop right now. All right? Let's just back off.
00:11:44All right. Brennan, it's okay. It's okay.
00:11:47Hey, hey.
00:11:49- Great, Dale. - He said a mean thing first.
00:11:51All right, just... Look, you know what...? Hey, guys.
00:11:54Okay, sleeping arrangements. It's gonna be different...
00:11:57...but because Dale refuses to give up his office drum set...
00:12:02...that means that, Brennan, you and Dale are gonna have to share a room.
00:12:05- But it's just temporary. - Mom, we didn't talk about this.
00:12:09Well, it's gonna be an exciting adventure.
00:12:12You wanna show him the room, Dale? Show him where he can put his stuff?
00:12:17- That's nice, thank you. - Good night, Nancy.
00:12:21Hey, listen, I like to have a lot of fresh fruit around...
00:12:26...and chocolate chips in my pancakes. Okay?
00:12:29- Write it so you don't forget. - Show him the room.
00:12:32She's Mom now, so...
00:12:34- Good night, Mom. - Good night, Brennan.
00:12:38- Good night, Mr. Doback. - Good night, Brennan.
00:12:49So just a few basic rules about the house.
00:12:52If there's any foods that you like...
00:12:54...I suggest you put your name on them, or they will be thrown out.
00:12:58By me.
00:13:00House was built in 1825 by General Custer.
00:13:03I wanna show you this room.
00:13:06Hold up.
00:13:09- You see this room? - Yeah.
00:13:11Okay, here's the deal.
00:13:14This is my office and my beat laboratory.
00:13:19And this is the one rule of the house:
00:13:21Don't ever, ever, ever...
00:13:25...touch my drum set.
00:13:28- You understand? - Don't go in there and...
00:13:30- No touching! - All right!
00:13:32There. I was at about six there.
00:13:34You don't wanna see me go to 10.
00:13:36Get your shit. We're going to my room.
00:13:50I just found a chain of islands that we can sail to after New Zealand.
00:13:53That's wonderful.
00:13:56You know, I've been meaning to ask you...
00:14:04Why is it that Dale never left?
00:14:09Well, Dale has always coasted off my accomplishments.
00:14:13I mean, he left college his junior year...
00:14:15...because he said he wanted to join the family business.
00:14:18- But you're a medical doctor. - Believe me, I've told him that.
00:14:22But he just always says, "It's all about who you know."
00:14:25I don't know where he got this sense of entitlement.
00:14:28Maybe it was his mother passing. What about Brennan?
00:14:31From what you've told me...
00:14:33...his younger brother Derek's been quite successful.
00:14:36Well, certainly when his father and I split, that was difficult for him.
00:14:40And this one time, when Brennan was 17 and Derek was 14...
00:14:45...and Brennan decided to enter a talent show.
00:14:49He sang a song from an old pirate musical.
00:14:53But Derek got his football buddies to replace the choir and sing:
00:14:58"Brennan has a mangina."
00:15:00Brennan has a mangina Brennan has a mangina
00:15:04Finally, the audience and even some of the nastier parents started singing:
00:15:10"Brennan has a mangina."
00:15:13And I have to admit, for a little while, I sort of joined in as well.
00:15:17From that day on, Brennan never sang again.
00:15:21Derek went on to win the contest by lip-synching "Ice Ice Baby."
00:15:30- Oh, that's a great song. - It is.
00:15:34- Hey, you awake? - Yeah.
00:15:42I just want you to know I hate you. So does my dad.
00:15:48Well, that's fine.
00:15:52Because guess what.
00:15:54I hate you too.
00:15:56And this house sucks ass.
00:15:59Well, the only reason you're living here... because me and my dad decided that your mom was really hot...
00:16:06...and maybe we should just both bang her.
00:16:08And we'll put up with the retard in the meantime.
00:16:11- Who's the retard? - You.
00:16:14- Hey, y'all don't say that. - Shut up.
00:16:17You'll wake up my dad and get me grounded.
00:16:19Just shut up.
00:16:21You and your mom are hillbillies.
00:16:24- This is a house of learned doctors. - You're not a doctor.
00:16:29You're a big, fat, curly-headed fuck.
00:16:33- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
00:16:35- I'm a curly-headed fuck? - Yeah.
00:16:38You better not go to sleep.
00:16:40As soon as your eyes shut, I'm gonna punch you square in the face.
00:16:43I hope you stay still when you sleep...
00:16:46...because I'm putting a rat trap between your legs.
00:16:49I'm gonna take a pillowcase and fill it full of bars of soap...
00:16:53...and beat the shit out of you.
00:16:59I want you out of my fucking house.
00:17:01No way, kemosabe.
00:17:05This is my house now.
00:17:10How do you like The Gilded Lady?
00:17:12I wish we could retire right now.
00:17:14Won't be long.
00:17:27Oh, God! It's cold!
00:17:30Hey! Is anyone listening? Help!
00:18:19Fuck you, Dale! Fuck you!
00:18:22- obviously you guys are hot. You know?
00:18:24Just revealed her cover. I was like, "Wow, this is hot."
00:18:27A little girl-on-girl. A little heaven, a little hell.
00:18:33- Hey. - Hey.
00:18:38- Why you so sweaty? - I was watching Cops.
00:18:41Not supposed to have your feet on the couch.
00:19:07Hey, man.
00:19:10Did you touch my drum set?
00:19:13- Nope. - It's just weird...
00:19:16...because seems like someone definitely touched my drum set.
00:19:20Yeah, that is weird. Because I didn't touch them.
00:19:24- Hey! Did you touch my drum set? - Hey, knock it off!
00:19:27I know you touched my drumstick, because the left one has a chip in it.
00:19:32You fucking crazy, man?
00:19:34You sound insane, do you realize that? You should be medicated.
00:19:38Fuck you, Brennan. I know you touched my drum set.
00:19:41I wanna hear that dirty mouth admit it.
00:19:42You get out of my face, or I'm gonna roundhouse your ass.
00:19:46You swear on your mom's life that you didn't touch it!
00:19:48I don't swear to shit!
00:19:49That's because you fucking touched my drum set...
00:19:52...because I know Cops doesn't start till 4.
00:19:57- Where are you going? - I'm going upstairs.
00:20:00Because I'm gonna put my nut sack on your drum set. Okay?
00:20:04Don't you do that. I am warning you right now:
00:20:08If you touch my drums, I will stab you in the neck with a knife!
00:20:13If you even go in the room, I will go ape-shit, you hear me?
00:20:17Don't wanna miss a spot.
00:20:19John Bonham's playing "Moby Dick" for real!
00:20:21I swear to God. I swear to God! No!
00:20:33I warned you.
00:20:35There's one rule in the house, and you broke it!
00:20:48I didn't touch your damn drum set!
00:20:53I'm pre-diabetic!
00:21:00You fucking fucker! I'm gonna rub my balls on your mom's face!
00:21:05Come back here!
00:21:12I'll kill you! You son of a bitch!
00:21:16Your drum set's a whore!
00:21:18I teabagged your fucking drum set!
00:21:20Well, my drum set's a guy, so that makes you gay, you fucker!
00:21:24I'll kill you!
00:21:27I think it's gonna go generic soon, okay?
00:21:29- Line three. - Oh, thanks, Miles.
00:21:34Jules? Wait, what's wrong?
00:21:39- Back! - You touched my drum set, you fucker!
00:21:44Stop it! Stop it!
00:21:47- Rape! Rape! Rape! - Stop it! Stop! Stop.
00:21:51- Stay out of this, Nancy! - Stop it, you guys.
00:21:54- Oh, my God, you're hurting him! - No, Nancy!
00:21:56Cinnamon! Stop it!
00:22:00My mom is being eaten by a dog, there's nothing I can do!
00:22:03- No, a story has a... - Excuse me.
00:22:05Dr. Doback, the phone's for you. I think it's urgent.
00:22:09Robert, they're like animals! I can't stop them!
00:22:11Stop screaming. Please. I'm on my way.
00:22:14There seems to be some savage fight going on...
00:22:16...between my son and stepson, so l...
00:22:20Family issues, huh?
00:22:22I don't believe in talking about people's personal lives...
00:22:25...behind their back.
00:22:26You know nobody likes you, right?
00:22:28Rape! Rape! Rape!
00:22:36What's going on?
00:22:37Robert! They won't... They won't...
00:22:40- Stop it! Stop it! - Dale, what...?
00:22:42- Stay out of it, Dad! - Stop it!
00:22:52What the fucking fuck?
00:22:59Someone got some air. Snap.
00:23:02- I still hate you. - Still hate you.
00:23:04Such power. It's raw power.
00:23:06What are you doing? It's Shark Week.
00:23:08Okay, here's the deal:
00:23:09Number one, you will fix the fucking drywall now.
00:23:13Number two, you have one month to find jobs or you're out on your asses.
00:23:17I will arrange interviews for Monday, and you will go!
00:23:19Dad, why are you talking to me like this? I'm your son.
00:23:23I'm not buying that crap anymore.
00:23:25Today I saw my own son use a bicycle as a weapon.
00:23:29You yelled "rape" at the top of your lungs.
00:23:32Mom, I honestly thought I was gonna be raped for a second.
00:23:36He had the craziest look in his eyes.
00:23:39And at one point he said, "Let's get it on."
00:23:42That was about the fighting. I'm so not a raper.
00:23:45I didn't touch your drum set, okay?
00:23:47I witnessed with my eyes your testicles touching my drum set.
00:23:52All right, that's it! That's it!
00:23:55You two guys leave me no choice.
00:23:57No television for a week.
00:23:59- What?! - What?!
00:24:00- We are so serious, guys. - You're fucking high!
00:24:03Are you out of your mind?
00:24:04This goes in Robert's wall safe and it's gonna stay there.
00:24:07- No! - Okay.
00:24:09- This house is a fucking prison! - On planet Bullshit!
00:24:13In the galaxy of This Sucks Camel Dicks!
00:24:46Hi! Aunt Carol. Aunt Carol.
00:24:51- Hey. - You can't catch me.
00:25:00I gotcha.
00:25:01I gotcha.
00:25:09Aunt Carol's on fire!
00:25:28I don't know where you learned it.
00:25:29- Well, there's lots more where that... - My God.
00:25:32- Oh, no. What happened? - What the...?
00:25:36Oh, my God.
00:25:39Maybe Dale left the back door open and raccoons got in.
00:25:42Nancy? Is this your purse in the freezer?
00:25:45Yes. It's Brennan.
00:25:48He sleepwalks and he always puts my purse in the freezer.
00:25:51Dale sleepwalks too.
00:25:53- Are you kidding me? - I'm not. Look in the oven.
00:25:57- What's in the...? Couch pillows? - Couch pillows.
00:26:00Yeah, Dale.
00:26:03Come on.
00:26:05- It's okay. - It's really hard.
00:26:08It's gonna be fine.
00:26:09They're gonna get jobs, they'll be gone in a month. A month.
00:26:23- Guys. Guys! - I'll kill you, Leonard Nimoy.
00:26:26The clown has no penis.
00:26:29What kind of dreams are you guys having?
00:26:31Hey, it's 12:30.
00:26:33Brennan, your brother's coming today, so get up.
00:26:36- Today? - Yep.
00:26:37- Shit. - What's your problem?
00:26:40My little brother's even a bigger asshole than you are.
00:26:44All right, let's really nail it this time. Here we go.
00:26:47A one, a two, a one, two, three, four.
00:27:10All right, Tommy, you're the oldest. I'm counting on you. Come on.
00:27:26Nice vibrato, buddy. All right, all right, Alice, let's go.
00:27:31Flat. It's so flat.
00:27:33I can't even... You don't even look good while you're singing.
00:27:36The worst thing I've ever heard.
00:27:38This is $ 1200 a week for voice lessons, and this is what I get?
00:27:42Okay, I'm gonna save it with this solo.
00:27:45I'm Derek
00:27:47And I can sing high like this
00:27:53And I can sing high
00:28:15We were so sad you guys couldn't come to the wedding.
00:28:18- But we completely understand. - Yeah.
00:28:20You were busy fishing with Mark Cuban.
00:28:22Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, not just the Cubes...
00:28:24...but we had Chris Daughtry, Jeff Probst, super-chef Bobby Flay.
00:28:28It was insane. I mean, it was almost too much.
00:28:30My God, that's impressive.
00:28:31Yeah, we were down in the Gulf, fishing bonito.
00:28:34Robert, have you ever been down to the Gulf on the bonito run?
00:28:37Always wanted to. I hear it's amazing.
00:28:39- It is. It's gorgeous. - Are bonito fish big?
00:28:44Don't interrupt when he's telling a story.
00:28:46- It's fine, Robert. - I was asking about the story.
00:28:49- What's this guy's deal? - I don't know, son. It's okay.
00:28:52Well, Dale, they are what's called a trophy fish.
00:28:56So, yeah, they're pretty big.
00:29:00I'm sorry.
00:29:06Oh, God, I'm sorry, I forget where my story was going.
00:29:09Damn it, Dale.
00:29:10- No... - Robert.
00:29:12- What? - What? I asked him.
00:29:13No, he can join in, Robert. It's really okay.
00:29:16Well, I asked him twice not to interrupt.
00:29:18Gang, don't be mad at Dale for ruining the story. And possibly the evening.
00:29:22It's totally fine. I have a lot more stories.
00:29:24- Derek, that you do. That you do. - Yeah.
00:29:28- Guilty as charged with the stories. - Oh, God, you're impressive.
00:29:32Come on. I love talking to you.
00:29:35From across the room, I feel like we have a thing.
00:29:38You and me, man. You're my new stepdad. You're unbelievable.
00:29:43- I never heard that laugh before. - Dad, why are you acting so weird?
00:29:47Oh, hey, by the way, guys, where's my bro, Brennan?
00:29:57You're right about your brother. Total dick.
00:30:02Told you.
00:30:04You know what? I still hate you...
00:30:06...but you got a pretty awesome collection of nudie mags.
00:30:08Yeah, I got them from the '70s, '80s and '90s.
00:30:12It's like masturbating in a time machine.
00:30:15Anyway, so I figure by the summer of 2010, we can probably set sail.
00:30:19But I think about it every day of my life.
00:30:22Let me ask you this, Bob, why wait two years?
00:30:24- Well, I gotta make more money. - Okay, look.
00:30:27I hear you, believe me.
00:30:28But what if I were to tell you that I could sell this house...
00:30:31...for 30 percent above market?
00:30:33- That'd be great. Could you do it? - Yeah. In a heartbeat, Robby.
00:30:37Look, I got my real-estate license a few years back for shits and gigs.
00:30:40I'd do it for four-fifths commish...
00:30:42...because you know what really gets my dick hard?
00:30:44Helping out my friends.
00:30:46That'd be fantastic. That'd be fanta... Oh, my God.
00:30:49- No, it would be kick-ass, bro. - Oh, man.
00:30:51Right there.
00:30:55What about Dale and Brennan?
00:30:56Because they haven't even gotten jobs yet.
00:30:58God, change the record.
00:31:04Robert. Don't talk to me like that in front of my son.
00:31:08Oh, come on. We're talking about our dream, the boat. Come on.
00:31:11Yeah, it's our dream, but I think it all needs to be done in good time.
00:31:15I'm just saying give it some thought, okay? That's it. That's all I'm saying.
00:31:19Holy shit, triplets.
00:31:23It's true, three's company.
00:31:25- It shows tons of bush. - Hey, hey, careful.
00:31:27Careful with that. You're crinkling.
00:31:30That's a collector's item. It's worth a lot of money.
00:31:33What's up, faggots?
00:31:34What's up, man? What, you're not gonna come down, say hi to me?
00:31:38Hi, Derek.
00:31:39Whoa, calm down, man. I'm just joking.
00:31:42You guys, I really like your guys' setup up here.
00:31:45What is your problem, man?
00:31:47My problem? I don't know. I don't have a problem, Dale.
00:31:51Actually, I have the opposite of a problem:
00:31:53I made over 550 K last year. How much did you make?
00:31:56- It's not about money. - No, it's not about money.
00:31:58Well, for me, it's a little bit about money...
00:32:01...and I made that much money last year.
00:32:03I am the VP of the biggest...
00:32:04...executive-helicopter-leasing company on the Western Seaboard.
00:32:08Okay? I haven't had a carb since 2004.
00:32:12Check these out. See these? See these boys?
00:32:15This is what I live with.
00:32:16Every day I lather this up with Kiehl's in the shower.
00:32:19You wanna touch this shit? You wanna touch these bad boys?
00:32:22Sorry, not gonna happen.
00:32:24Is there something you want?
00:32:26I promised Mom I'd offer you a job.
00:32:28I told her it'd count as her Christmas present, so...
00:32:31No. I'm never gonna work for you.
00:32:33Fine. I don't care.
00:32:34The truth is I just smoked a J out in my car a few minutes ago... feeling a little spacy.
00:32:40Know what I'm say...? What's up with you, man?
00:32:43What you looking at, kemosabe?
00:32:46You wanna punch me right now.
00:32:49You wanna punch me right now, but you won't.
00:32:53You wanna punch me too?
00:32:54You guys both look like you might wanna hit me in the face.
00:32:57You do, I can tell. Well, why don't you do it?
00:32:59Why don't you punch me in the face?
00:33:01Punch me in the fucking face!
00:33:09- Oh, shit. - Oh, my shoulder!
00:33:12That was awesome.
00:33:14Mom! Mom!
00:33:16Derek, know what's always good for shoulder pain?
00:33:18- What? - If you lick my butthole.
00:33:24- Thanks, Mom. Thanks, Bobby. - Sure.
00:33:26Aside from that retard trying to punch me, it was a pretty good evening.
00:33:30- It was our pleasure, son. - Why are you calling him that?
00:33:33Oh, don't, don't.
00:33:35Bye, kids. I'll check out that stock you recommended, Tommy.
00:33:37Excuse me.
00:33:39- Hi. I'm Alice, I'm Derek's wife. - Hi.
00:33:42Is it true you struck Derek in the face and he fell from the tree house?
00:33:46Yeah. He asked me to.
00:33:48Oh, that's the most amazing thing I've ever heard.
00:33:50I want you to know that tonight...
00:33:52...I am gonna pleasure myself to the image of you doing that to Derek.
00:33:56You know what I mean?
00:33:59I am.
00:34:01Oh, Dale.
00:34:03You are something.
00:34:05You are something.
00:34:09You're something too.
00:34:11I wanna roll you into a little ball and shove you up my vagina.
00:34:15You could just live there. It's warm and it's cozy.
00:34:19In your vagina?
00:34:21I wanna walk around with you in there and just know that...
00:34:24...whenever I feel a little tickle or scratch...
00:34:27...that it's just your hair up my vagina.
00:34:30Please, just do it for me.
00:34:33What's happening?
00:34:36Kiss me.
00:34:41I know. I know. It's too much.
00:34:45It's too much.
00:34:50I hate my life, Dale.
00:34:53Dale, I hate my life! I have nobody to talk to.
00:34:57- Well, you seemed okay at the di... - Please.
00:34:59Alice! Honey, come on!
00:35:01Dane Cook, pay-per-view, 20 minutes. Let's go!
00:35:05Coming, honey! I'm just talking to Dale.
00:35:08This is so stupid.
00:35:12Call me.
00:35:13- I love you. - Okay.
00:35:23- Hey. What'd she want? - What?
00:35:26Nothing. Who's...? Who?
00:35:31We were just talking. Not... It was not about sex or anything.
00:35:36I can't believe you hit Derek.
00:35:39I know. Did you see the expression on his face?
00:35:42- That was cool. - Listen.
00:35:45I know that we started out as foe.
00:35:48But after that courageous act...
00:35:51...that you showed me against the one they call Derek...
00:35:54...maybe someday we could become friends.
00:36:00Friends who ride majestic, translucent steeds...
00:36:04...shooting flaming arrows across the Bridge of Hemdale.
00:36:08I would follow you into the mists of Avalon, if that's what you mean.
00:36:11Do you wanna see something cool that only three people have seen?
00:36:19Okay, open your eyes.
00:36:22See that black smudge right there on the blade?
00:36:25- Yeah. - Look at it closely.
00:36:27- Pretty recognizable signature. - No.
00:36:29Randy Jackson from American Idol.
00:36:32Why do you have Randy Jackson's autograph on a martial-arts weapon?
00:36:35I bumped into him and all I had was this sword...
00:36:38...and you're not gonna not get Randy Jackson's autograph.
00:36:41I would've done the exact same thing.
00:36:44Now, do you wanna see something really cool?
00:36:47- Of course. - Turn off the lights.
00:36:52Industrial-strength night-vision goggles.
00:36:56Holy Santa Claus shit.
00:36:58Can you imagine if we had these when we were 12?
00:37:01Even better. We got them when we're 40.
00:37:03You know what's amazing? They're not that noticeable on your face.
00:37:08- Right? - Yeah.
00:37:11I can't believe I've been living here for two weeks...
00:37:14...and I'm walking around this place...
00:37:16...thinking I've got a huge doucher for a stepbrother.
00:37:19Secretly, you're not a doucher.
00:37:22Let's play a game, all right?
00:37:24On the count of three, name your favorite dinosaur.
00:37:26Don't even think about it, just name it. Ready? One, two, three.
00:37:30- Velociraptor. - Velociraptor.
00:37:32Favorite non-pornographic magazine to masturbate to.
00:37:35- Good Housekeeping. - Good Housekeeping.
00:37:38If you were a chick, who's the one guy you'd sleep with?
00:37:41- John Stamos. - John Stamos.
00:37:43- What? - Did we just become best friends?
00:37:47Do you wanna go do karate in the garage?
00:38:10- Yeah! - Yeah!
00:38:16I think they're starting to like each other.
00:38:19I got a really bad feeling about this.
00:38:23- Sword fight! - I know.
00:38:25Sword fight!
00:38:30- Exactly the same! - I know! That's so weird.
00:38:36Now you're in trouble.
00:38:40- Come on! - No!
00:38:41They're betting against you, but you can do it!
00:38:44- Yeah! - Yeah!
00:38:48Is this a bad time?
00:38:49What the hell's going on?
00:38:50Ma, Mr. Doback, okay, Dale and I were just...
00:38:54Please, stop calling me Mr. Doback.
00:38:55Sorry. Okay.
00:38:57Mom, Doback...
00:39:00...we think it would be very prudent...
00:39:03- Can we turn our beds into bunk beds? - Yes.
00:39:06Why are you guys so sweaty?
00:39:07We've already figured out how. The beds match up perfectly.
00:39:10It would give us so much extra space in our room to do activities.
00:39:14Please say yes.
00:39:15You don't need our permission to build bunk beds.
00:39:17You're adults. You can do what you want.
00:39:23I'm not making myself clear.
00:39:26I don't give a fuck.
00:39:28Now, you both have several interviews tomorrow.
00:39:31I would think you'd be focused on that and not building bunk beds.
00:39:37- So? - So?
00:39:39- We can? No? - Yes. Yes, you can make bunk beds.
00:39:44- I knew it. - Okay. You are not gonna regret this.
00:39:46We'll get so much more activities done.
00:39:48This is the funnest night ever!
00:39:52This is so scary.
00:39:56- How you doing over there? - Really good.
00:40:01Does your son know anything about carpentry?
00:40:03No, not a th... Did I hear a drill?
00:40:06- Dale! Dale, no power tools! - Power tools.
00:40:09- What? - No power tools!
00:40:11- No, I forgot, I have to brush my teeth. - That is not your toothbrush.
00:40:15Oh, okay. Well, I'm all done anyway.
00:40:17- We did it. - We did it!
00:40:19It looks amazing!
00:40:20Look at that! That looks like what you'd buy from a store!
00:40:23- Should've been a bunk bed all along. - Look at this space.
00:40:26- We could do aerobics in here. - So many activities!
00:40:29- Do step class. - It's making my head spin... many activities we can do. - Play Army men.
00:40:34- Yeah. - Come on.
00:40:40Hey, I never asked you. Do you like guacamole?
00:40:45Oh, Brennan! Oh, God!
00:40:47Brennan! Brennan!
00:40:50Dad. Nancy. It's bad.
00:40:52It's so bad. There's blood everywhere.
00:40:55The bunk beds were a terrible idea. Why'd you let us do that?
00:40:58It's so bad!
00:41:00How would you describe that?
00:41:04- It's not so bad. - Right. See?
00:41:09Put your beds back.
00:41:10Rumpus time is over.
00:41:12You got a big day tomorrow. You need your eight hours.
00:41:18And although she was 88 years old, she never stopped believing.
00:41:22It's 8:20 in the a.m.
00:41:24Coming up next, a recent study by the American Council...
00:41:27Look at her. She's hot.
00:41:30Okay, guys, this is it. Good luck. Don't be late.
00:41:34Dad, I need to borrow some clothes for the interview...
00:41:37...since I don't have any fancy clothes.
00:41:39You go in my closet, take whatever you need. You guys gotta look sharp.
00:41:42This is the most important day of our lives.
00:41:44- Okay. - No pressure, no pressure.
00:41:46- All right? Relax. - Okay.
00:41:47I gotta go. I gotta go.
00:41:48This is your day. Remember that. You own it.
00:41:51- This is your one day! - All right.
00:41:54Mr. Huff, Mr. Jeener is ready for your interview.
00:41:57Actually, we'll be interviewing as a team.
00:41:59We're here to fuck shit up.
00:42:06Move it!
00:42:18Well, Brennan, you certainly have had a lot of jobs.
00:42:20I'm a bit of a spark plug.
00:42:22And, Human Resources lady, when I think...
00:42:25- You know, it's... Actually, it's Pam. - I'm sorry.
00:42:28- Well, Pan... - No, my name is Pam.
00:42:31- Are you saying Pan or Pam? - I'm saying Pam.
00:42:35Yeah, I'm sorry, who is this gentleman sitting behind you?
00:42:39Hello, Ms. Lady. I'm Dale. I'm Brennan's stepbrother...
00:42:42...and I think I might be able to help with the Pan-Pam dilemma.
00:42:45- Yeah, that'd be great. - Pam.
00:42:47- Pan. - Pam.
00:42:49- Pand. There's a D on the end. - With an M.
00:42:51- There's no D. It's Pam. - It's like "comb," except P-A-N-M.
00:42:57- N-N. There's two N's. - Two M's. That was the confusion.
00:43:00No, there's just one M.
00:43:01What do you say we interview you?
00:43:04All right. Yes, that's a sometimes-useful exercise.
00:43:07Please put your hand down.
00:43:09Go ahead.
00:43:10How much money do you make a year before taxes?
00:43:14Okay, I'm actually not comfortable answering that.
00:43:16- Come on! - We're doing the interview, not you.
00:43:19Here's a shot out of a cannon: Oprah, Barbara Walters, your wife.
00:43:23You gotta fuck one, marry one, kill one. Go!
00:43:25I think we're done here. Thank you.
00:43:27Mr. Huff, under your references, you listed Dale Doback...
00:43:31...which I know is this gentleman, but you also listed...
00:43:34..."Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior." - Yeah.
00:43:36Yeah, we are looking for people we can contact.
00:43:39We wanna tell you the stuff we're not good at.
00:43:41- Our weaknesses. - So we're clear up front.
00:43:44- Okay. - We're not generally comfortable... an office setting, I would say. - I get cooped up.
00:43:50I won't go into an office that's ever been used before.
00:43:53I am no good before 11 a.m.
00:43:56I also get headaches from computers, so I can't be around them too long.
00:44:00I take stuff.
00:44:01I need someone to go up and down with me in the elevator.
00:44:04I have a weakness for sweets.
00:44:07Other weaknesses?
00:44:08We're slow learners and we're not particularly good listeners.
00:44:11- That'll be a huge problem. - We're also slow learners.
00:44:15First of all, I needed someone to work...
00:44:17Wait, shut your mouth. Shut your mouth.
00:44:19I think we've had enough...
00:44:21- Shush up for one second. - Shut your mouth.
00:44:23- Wait, shut your mouth. - I'm sorry, what did you just say?
00:44:26- You're just coming off stupid. - I'm coming off stupid?
00:44:29You're wearing tuxedos to a job that requires you to clean bathrooms.
00:44:33- Please leave this office, we're done. - Do we get any sort of souvenir?
00:44:36Get out of my office!
00:44:38I'm looking to hire guys I don't mind hanging out with for 12 hours a day.
00:44:42You guys seem like cool guys.
00:44:44Got hair similar to mine, you wear tuxedos to the interview.
00:44:47That's funny, it's ironic. I get that.
00:44:49Underplaying the whole formality of it. I think that's funny as hell.
00:44:53So let's do this, you know? You guys are hired. You're in.
00:44:56Unless you're the weirdest guys ever and I don't see it.
00:45:17- Was that a fart? - I don't know.
00:45:20I can taste it.
00:45:22On my tongue.
00:45:24Okay, I'll be honest with you. I did fart.
00:45:26Is that onion? Onion and... Onion and ketchup.
00:45:29- It stinks. And this is a small room. - Shit.
00:45:33Okay, now the tuxedos seem kind of fucked up.
00:45:37God. We were so close.
00:45:41So, what do we do for jobs? Is your dad really gonna kick us out?
00:45:44Listen, don't worry about my dad.
00:45:49Got him sewn up.
00:45:52We've gotta start thinking bigger, though, Brennan.
00:45:56Listen, what are you really good at?
00:45:58Singing. I'm a world-class singer.
00:46:01See? Right there, that's an amazing skill.
00:46:04Now, what am I good at?
00:46:05I can shred on the drums and I'm a marketing wiz.
00:46:08Put all that together, what do you get?
00:46:12- I don't know, a band? - No, that's been done before.
00:46:15Even better: we are gonna start an international entertainment company.
00:46:20The biggest and the best.
00:46:23And we're gonna call it Prestige Worldwide.
00:46:27That sounds so cool.
00:46:28I feel like a lightning bolt hit the tip of my penis.
00:46:33Yeah. Yeah.
00:46:35We're brothers. This is why we met.
00:46:38- To form this alliance, right? - Right?
00:46:41That's why our parents met, so this idea could happen.
00:46:43- Okay, what do we do? - We get to work.
00:46:46And we hit the beat laboratory right now. Let's go.
00:46:50- What? - Wait.
00:46:51What time is it?
00:46:53- 4:30. - 4:30.
00:46:59- I can't go down Whitworth right now. - Okay.
00:47:03We should go this way.
00:47:06- What's up? - Chris Gardocki.
00:47:08- What? - He gets in my face...
00:47:10...and I just don't wanna deal with the hassle now.
00:47:12- Are you this scared? - Can we please go the long way?
00:47:17- Down Cutler? - Yeah.
00:47:18But that's 45 minutes.
00:47:20You're gonna shame me into doing this.
00:47:22- You sound stupid. - You'll be sorry. Okay, I'm stupid.
00:47:25Oh, man.
00:47:28Oh, God, there they are.
00:47:32Oh, my God, is that Dale Doback?
00:47:34- Let's make him lick dog shit. - Yeah.
00:47:38Hey, fag-stick. Long time, no see.
00:47:42Is that your boyfriend? Is that your butt buddy?
00:47:45Look, Mr. Gardocki, just leave me alone, will you?
00:47:47Shut your mouth, esé.
00:47:49You guys just go back and have fun on your jungle gym, okay?
00:47:53Does butt buddy have a name?
00:47:55If you're referring to me as butt buddy, yes, I do have a name.
00:47:59It's Brennan Huff.
00:48:00If you don't come over here and lick that white dog shit...
00:48:04...l'm gonna plow into your nose with my fist.
00:48:06- I'm not licking any white dog shit. - I'll lick the shit if you leave us alone.
00:48:10Dale, you're not licking dog shit, okay? They're kids.
00:48:14- Brennan, it's just dog shit. - It's ridiculous!
00:48:16- Hello, how are...? - Oh, God!
00:48:20Leave him alone! Leave him alone!
00:48:25Get them!
00:48:38So maybe you don't go down that way anymore.
00:48:42Maybe you go the long way home.
00:48:44That's what we talked about. We'll take the long way home.
00:48:47You know in that one scene in The Wizard of Oz...
00:48:50...when the flying monkeys pull apart the Scarecrow?
00:48:53That's what it was like.
00:48:55- It's okay, it's okay. - I'm so sorry.
00:48:57Is my dad mad about the stuff that happened?
00:49:00Robert was very upset, yes.
00:49:03He knows that you interviewed as a team.
00:49:06And he heard about the fart.
00:49:08- Oh, he did? - Yeah.
00:49:10You just couldn't hold it, or you...?
00:49:12- No. I thought it was gonna be silent. - It was not silent.
00:49:15Just kept going, and it made a sound. It was embarrassing.
00:49:18It got louder.
00:49:19So listen, Bobby, I'll get those keys made tomorrow...
00:49:22...and then we'll start setting up times. - Thank you.
00:49:27- Hi, Mom. - Hi.
00:49:28- Okay, bye. - Bye.
00:49:30- Always nice to see you. - You too.
00:49:41Hey, guys.
00:49:43Looks like your free ride's over, huh?
00:49:45Have fun living on the streets.
00:49:47Okay, cool. Good chatting, you guys. Bye, Mom.
00:49:50- Bye. - See you, buddy.
00:49:55What was he doing here?
00:49:57We're putting the house on the market.
00:49:59- Where are we moving? - Is the house haunted?
00:50:03Nancy and I are retiring...
00:50:05...and sailing around the world on my boat.
00:50:08We are living the dream.
00:50:11Well, what about us?
00:50:14I'm sorry. Robert... We thought that... should take responsibility for your own lives.
00:50:23This is the exciting part:
00:50:24We're going to put enough money in your accounts...
00:50:27...for a security deposit on an apartment.
00:50:29What's this all about?
00:50:30More than just money, we're gonna get you another kind of support as well.
00:50:35You're both gonna see therapists. Nancy thinks it'll help.
00:50:38- Guys, that's nonnegotiable. - Hold on. We're not going on the boat...
00:50:42...Derek's selling the house, we have to go to therapy?
00:50:46- What the fuck happened? - Hey!
00:50:48Look, I know this seems really, really sudden...
00:50:52...and just sort of unfair and cruel and...
00:50:54- But it's nonnegotiable. - But it's nonnegotiable.
00:50:57I got a bellyful of white dog crap in me...
00:51:00...and now you lay this shit on me?
00:51:02You're adults. It's time you started acting like adults.
00:51:05- Mom. - I'm not backing down, Brennan.
00:51:08Don't even try.
00:51:10I know it seems hard, but it's the best thing for both of you.
00:51:13We do it because we love you.
00:51:15Dad, I'm doing this because I love you: fuck you.
00:51:19- Anything else? - No.
00:51:21Bon voyage! Have a great time!
00:51:24Hey, what's up, Derek?
00:51:28- Know what? - Look what I got.
00:51:29I'm sitting here thinking we finally got a family together here...
00:51:33...and now it's about to be taken away because they think we're losers.
00:51:37- Because they don't understand us? - Yeah.
00:51:41They don't get that this lifestyle is a choice.
00:51:44And all they think about is that stupid boat.
00:51:48I swear, I'm so pissed off at my mom.
00:51:51As soon as she is of age, I'm putting her in a home.
00:51:55We have got to get Prestige Worldwide going.
00:51:58It's the thing that's gonna save this family.
00:52:00I was thinking we should have a investor presentation... on The Apprentice.
00:52:04We gotta start with some capital somewhere.
00:52:07Here's the thing, though:
00:52:09If we're gonna start a huge multinational corporation...
00:52:12...I have to hear you sing.
00:52:14Can't you just trust that I'm a really, really good singer?
00:52:17Just one song, so I know what your voice sounds like.
00:52:21Yeah, yeah. I'll just do it.
00:52:23No big deal. I'll just dive into it and just start singing.
00:52:31Jesus, my heart is beating so fast right now.
00:52:35Okay, just do it. Just do it.
00:53:28You know, I don't know.
00:53:29I didn't sing too loud, because I don't wanna wake up Robert and Nancy.
00:53:32My throat's sore. I've had a sore throat for a month and a half.
00:53:36And this is not an acoustic environment that's suitable... request this from me.
00:53:41You gotta know, I'm not just some guy.
00:53:45Brennan, that is the voice of an angel.
00:53:50Brennan, I can't even make eye contact with you right now.
00:53:53Your voice is like a combination of Fergie and Jesus.
00:53:56Why can't you do that in front of people?
00:53:58Are you messing with me right now?
00:54:00It's me, Dale.
00:54:04You're good.
00:54:06- I know. - This is gonna sound weird...
00:54:08...but for a second, I think you took on the shape of a unicorn.
00:54:13I felt like I was hovering above my own body...
00:54:17...watching myself sing.
00:54:19Now, let's move on to other business.
00:54:21First thing tomorrow, we gotta get cracking on this investor presentation.
00:54:25And guess what else. This just came to me.
00:54:28- We're making a music video. - Yeah!
00:54:33What do we do about Derek and the house?
00:54:36Don't worry about him.
00:54:49Oh, it's a great "nabe."
00:54:50Frank Gifford used to live down the block.
00:54:52- The Giff? - Yeah, the Giff. Right down the block.
00:54:56I'm getting a really good feeling about this.
00:54:58I am so glad.
00:55:00You get us that 10-year interest-only loan, we got a deal.
00:55:02Hey, fuckers! Welcome to the neighborhood!
00:55:06- My name is Craig. - The neighbor is a Nazi?
00:55:10You guys ever need fertilizer, I've got a lot of it. Close to 80 tons.
00:55:14Hey, folks! How you doing? You're gonna love this neighborhood.
00:55:18Every single house here recycles.
00:55:20- Okay, we're done here. - Yeah, okay.
00:55:22Hey, Derek, sprechen sie dick.
00:55:25Dale, I don't know how much you know about therapy...
00:55:28...but it usually starts by you telling me something about yourself.
00:55:31I work at a college as a janitor...
00:55:34...even though I'm smarter than most of the people there.
00:55:36Sometimes I see an equation written on a blackboard... half an equation, and I'll just figure it out.
00:55:43- Is this Good Will Hunting? - No.
00:55:45It sounds a lot like the plot of Good Will Hunting.
00:55:48Yeah. Anyway. My best friend is Ben Affleck...
00:55:52So I thought we'd begin talking about your parents' divorce.
00:55:57How old were you when they got divorced?
00:55:59- Fifteen. - That's a hard age.
00:56:01- Yes. Yeah. - Do you wanna talk...
00:56:04...about some of those feelings? - I love you.
00:56:07- Obviously, you don't know me. - I love you so much.
00:56:10Thank you. And I will take that as a feeling that you have...
00:56:14...of comfortability with me.
00:56:16It's more than comfortability.
00:56:18- I mean, I fucking love you. - Okay. I th...
00:56:22I'm just thinking about our life together.
00:56:24I feel like I'm walking on a cloud.
00:56:26My penis is tingling right now.
00:56:29- That is so off-putting. - You're not feeling this?
00:56:33In no way, shape or form do I feel any feelings of intimacy towards you... any way whatsoever.
00:56:39You got a really dope front lawn here.
00:56:41You and your homeboys can play on that.
00:56:43- You can just say "It looks good." - Yeah.
00:56:45No, that's how I talk.
00:56:46Oh, you got a really fresh entryway here. Pretty awesome.
00:56:50- show you the front of the house, which is actual...
00:56:52Will you vultures please give us some privacy? He just died last night.
00:56:57What is going on here?
00:56:58It was the asbestos in here, that's what did it!
00:57:01I've seen too many dead bodies.
00:57:02- I can't be in here. I can't. - No, no, no.
00:57:08- Not bad. - Eat shit, Derek.
00:57:11- Awesome B-day party, broheisens. - You the man, Derek.
00:57:15Okay, who's this from? TJ?
00:57:17Where are the rest of my gifts, dude?
00:57:19Totally joking around, TJ.
00:57:21All right.
00:57:23Oh, yes! Yes! Callaway 3-wood.
00:57:27- Yeah! - Yeah!
00:57:31- Bomb it down the fairway, bitches! - That's right.
00:57:36Hi, my name is Jim. Wanna suck my dick for money?
00:57:39- It's just me. Hi. - Oh, my God.
00:57:42What are you doing? This is the men's bathroom.
00:57:44Happy anniversary.
00:57:46- It's our second date. - What?
00:57:49Listen, I'm sick of being all coy and bashful, Dale. Okay?
00:57:53- We're in the bathroom. - This'll just take a minute.
00:57:56There's really little you can do about it. Let me just hop on.
00:58:01It's all slippery.
00:58:03Oh, my God!
00:58:10It's getting tingly. Something's gonna happen, Alice!
00:58:21Oh, we just had sex.
00:58:23- Just the way I imagined it. - I like you.
00:58:28I love you.
00:58:29- Stay golden, Ponyboy. I gotta pee. - Okay.
00:58:33Oh, my God.
00:58:35You're incredible.
00:58:38Say hello to my little friend.
00:58:42- Just kidding. It's from Scarface. - Scarface.
00:58:47Shut the fuck up!
00:58:49- Sweet-ass gift, Teej. - Yeah, not bad.
00:58:51- I got it all mapped out. - Okay.
00:58:53- I'm following your lead, though. - I'll get all eyes on us.
00:58:56- Okay. - Just like we planned.
00:58:58And then we'll drop the hammer.
00:59:00What were Dale and Brennan doing with my video camera, do you know?
00:59:04I have no idea. And frankly, I really don't care. So...
00:59:08I would like to say a few things.
00:59:10Derek, you are an outstanding young man, son.
00:59:13And I would like say that this is the image I have:
00:59:16That sometimes when I'm making love to your mother and I realize that...
00:59:19...this is where you came from, that I'm so moved...
00:59:22...that I talked to my lawyer, and not only are you going to be... my heart forever, but you're going to be in my will, young man.
00:59:28- Okay. Okay. - Okay?
00:59:30- Robert, that was fucking awesome. - Thank you.
00:59:33You got a lot of this, buddy. And you got a lot of these.
00:59:36Thank you.
00:59:37Everyone, if I could have your attention, please.
00:59:40For those of you who don't know me... name's Dale Doback. - Check. Check.
00:59:44I'm Robert's other son, the biological one.
00:59:47Check. Check.
00:59:49Probably wondering why we gathered you here tonight...
00:59:52...besides Derek's birthday.
00:59:54We got a special surprise for you, Derek, and everybody here...
00:59:57- Check, check. - Check.
00:59:58- Dale. No, please. - Don't interrupt them.
01:00:01- I'm begging you. - You wanna shut this down?
01:00:03- Just hold on. - Derek, for your birthday...
01:00:05...we thought we'd roll out...
01:00:06...a once-in-a-lifetime business opportunity.
01:00:09Happy birthday, Derek.
01:00:15Prestige Worldwide, wide, wide, wide.
01:00:21Prestige Worldwide.
01:00:23- The first word in entertainment. - First word.
01:00:26- Management. - Financial portfolios.
01:00:28- Insurance. - Computers.
01:00:30- Black leather gloves. - Research and development.
01:00:34Putting in the man-hours to study the science of what you need.
01:00:37Last week we put Liquid Paper on a bee...
01:00:40...and it died.
01:00:41- Security. - Security.
01:00:43- And... - And.
01:00:47- Possibly you. - Possibly you.
01:00:48- Oh, this is classic. This is... - We'd like to present...
01:00:52...the world premiere of Prestige Worldwide's first music video... our first act, Huff and Doback.
01:01:00- Roll it. - Roll it.
01:01:04Pay close attention, Dad. It's gonna look familiar.
01:01:08- This is... This is perfect. - Is that my boat?
01:01:11Yes, it is.
01:01:14What are you doing on my boat?
01:01:15The Nińa, the Pinta The Santa María
01:01:18I'll do you in the bottom While you're drinking sangria
01:01:21Nachos and Lemonheads On my dad's boat
01:01:23You won't go down 'Cause my dick can float
01:01:25We sail around the world And go port to port
01:01:28Every time I come I produce a quart
01:01:31That is offensive. Brennan, Dale.
01:01:33I gotta have me my boats and ho's
01:01:36Deadliest Catch without the crabs
01:01:38We're almost out of gas Call the Arabs
01:01:41Pull up the anchor 'Cause we're leaving dry land
01:01:43Get below deck With a dick in your hand
01:01:46Boats and ho's Boats and ho's
01:01:49I gotta have me my boats and ho's
01:01:52Are you ready for some world-class vocalization?
01:01:54- Get a partner. - Wait a minute.
01:01:56- Who's steering the boat? - Dad, please shut up.
01:01:59Please shut up!
01:02:19...big question is:
01:02:21Aside from the damage to the boat, which we will fix...
01:02:26...what'd you think of the presentation?
01:02:28Brennan, I think that what you did to Robert's boat was horrid.
01:02:34Having said that, I think that both of you boys...
01:02:37...showed a lot of enthusiasm and inventiveness.
01:02:40Yes. Thank you.
01:02:43You gotta be kidding me.
01:02:46They destroyed our dream and you're calling it inventive.
01:02:48- No, no, no. I didn't mean it like that. - Yes, you did.
01:02:51Come on, you did.
01:02:53It's gonna be four years, at least, before we can sail anywhere.
01:02:56- And you could care less, admit it. - I will not admit that...
01:03:00...because it is not true. - Oh, yeah.
01:03:02But, you know, I do think that you could show...
01:03:06...a little bit more attentiveness to your son and your stepson...
01:03:10...who obviously need you.
01:03:12It's true, Dr. Doback.
01:03:13You've been very cold and unsupportive of our dreams.
01:03:16You wrecked my fucking boat, you goon!
01:03:18Don't speak to my son like that.
01:03:20Your son's costing me $80,000.
01:03:23We could bicker about this all night, but what's done is done, Dad.
01:03:27- Are you guys gonna invest or not? - That's it! That's it!
01:03:30- What are you doing? - Grab the wheel!
01:03:32I can't believe you're being so stingy.
01:03:34- Robert, come down. - It's a simple business decision.
01:03:37You jackaloons!
01:03:39You're failures! Failures!
01:03:42And you're embarrassing yourself, you geriatric fuck!
01:03:45- Brennan. - Two things:
01:03:47You keep your liver-spotted hands off my beautiful mother.
01:03:50She's a saint!
01:03:51Then you sit down and you write Dale and Brennan a check for $ 10,000.
01:03:55Oh, stop it.
01:03:56Or I'm gonna shove one of those fake hearing devices so far up your ass...
01:04:00- Brennan! can hear the sound...
01:04:02...of your small intestine as it produces shit!
01:04:06- All right, here we go. - Oh, my Lord.
01:04:07Somebody should've done this a long time ago, and I'm gonna do it.
01:04:11- What are you doing? - Robert.
01:04:12There are consequences for your actions.
01:04:14- No! Robert! - Dad!
01:04:17- This is not the answer. - You're next, mister.
01:04:19- You understand me? - Yes.
01:04:21- Certain behaviors... - Let go of me.
01:04:24...will not be tolerated! - My ass is on fire!
01:04:37Wow, the tree looks great, Nancy. Really tasteful.
01:04:42Thank you, Dale. That's a very nice sweater you're wearing.
01:04:46It was my mom's. I took the shoulder pads out.
01:04:50Oh, and, Brennan? Denise called...
01:04:52...and she said she can't go out with you on New Year's Eve...
01:04:54...because she's not your girlfriend, she's your therapist.
01:04:57- Is that what she said? - Yeah.
01:04:59She's a rascal.
01:05:00Hey, Dad, Nancy?
01:05:03Would it be cool if Brennan and I opened just one present each...
01:05:08...since it's Christmas Eve?
01:05:10I'm gonna go down to the Cheesecake Factory, have a drink.
01:05:16But it's Christmas Eve.
01:05:19Merry Christmas.
01:05:22- Yes. - Yeah.
01:05:24I had my eye on one.
01:05:26I hope it's what I think it is.
01:05:28Oh, my God. Hulk Hands!
01:05:31Wait, Dale got Hulk Hands?
01:05:37Well, you reek of Scotch and cheesecake.
01:05:42You know...
01:05:44...tonight at the Cheesecake Factory was the happiest I've been in months.
01:05:49- Well, then I feel very sorry for you. - Well, just...
01:05:53Nancy, I don't know if I can ever forgive them for wrecking my boat.
01:05:57- Why are you giving up? - I'm not giving up. I'm not.
01:06:00- You are. You're giving up on our boys. - But they're 40.
01:06:04I don't care how old they are. They're still our children.
01:06:07Well, sometime it's got to matter how old they are.
01:06:10That's all we do, is... Oh, sweet Jesus.
01:06:13Oh, it... You know, they'll go back to bed.
01:06:17See? They're sleepwalking.
01:06:19No. No.
01:06:22See, back to bed.
01:06:24They'll be fine.
01:06:26Just nonsense. I'm gonna wake them up.
01:06:28- No. Why would you do such a thing? - Well, because it's...
01:06:32- Never, ever wake up a sleepwalker. - See, that's it.
01:06:34- We can't ever do anything. - No.
01:06:36But they could do real harm to themselves or others.
01:06:39- Oh, the Christmas presents. - No, guys... No, no, don't...
01:06:41- No. But... - I think we should take control.
01:06:44- It's always about them. - How do you propose to do that?
01:06:47- Oh, Jesus. - Whatever you do, don't wake them.
01:06:50They might do real harm to themselves or others.
01:06:53- Not everybody does know that. - Oh, the Christmas tree!
01:06:56Oh, not the... No, don't... All right, that's it!
01:06:59- I'm waking them up! - No! No!
01:07:01- Don't wake them up! - That's a myth!
01:07:03- Wake up, both of you. - Don't.
01:07:07I told you! I told you!
01:07:10Stop it! Don't hurt him!
01:07:13The pictures! Nancy!
01:07:29I mean, I was driving around with a buddy of mine, Topher.
01:07:32You guys remember Topher, right?
01:07:33Driving around, he has this brand-new Testarossa, right?
01:07:36We hit this four-point buck. Dead. Lying in the road.
01:07:40Long story short, we sue the state of Michigan.
01:07:43I end up getting 125 G's. Okay? You know what I spent that money on?
01:07:47Sniper rifle to hunt deer.
01:07:52Either way, the deers lose, my friends.
01:08:00Good riddance. Eat all the damn flowers, anyway.
01:08:03If you'll excuse me...
01:08:04...I think I'm going to go into the other room to check my hair.
01:08:08- Excuse me. - Sorry, everybody.
01:08:10If you'll excuse my space-cadet wife here.
01:08:12Let's just say the meds aren't helping.
01:08:15I'm kidding. Kidding. But not at all.
01:08:19I have to get some more gravy.
01:08:21- Oh, Dale, it's right there. - Oh, no.
01:08:23Shush up, Nancy. I have to get some more bread.
01:08:27What did I do to deserve that?
01:08:33What do any of us do to deserve anything?
01:08:35I pay enough taxes to support all these lazy goddamn liberals.
01:08:42Get off me! Off! Get back. Get back! Back!
01:08:54- What do you want? - Merry Christmas, darling.
01:08:56- Merry Christmas. - Oh, that was torture.
01:09:01I couldn't eat another bite of turkey without thinking of you inside of me.
01:09:04Come on, let's try something illegal.
01:09:06So, Tommy, what did you get for Christmas?
01:09:09Well, Santa brought me the Bowflex and $ 1000 in fresh-minted $50 bills.
01:09:14Wanna know what I got for Christmas? A crushed soul.
01:09:23- Alice, please. - Sing along, Santa.
01:09:25You know this song.
01:09:26What is that noise?
01:09:29It's... This is the ghost.
01:09:31- Just try to be quiet. Okay. - You're right. You're right.
01:09:34- We've got to be discreet. - All right.
01:09:37No, no! Oh, hey.
01:09:40Are you all still talking in here?
01:09:43What are you doing?
01:09:46Alice was moving a chair from the living room into the dining room...
01:09:49...for an extra chair and her back went out.
01:09:53And I just did the best thing, which is get right on the muscles...
01:09:57- Muscles. they don't seize up.
01:09:59Just add some heat to it.
01:10:04Damn it, Dale, sit down.
01:10:06It's just a real deep, tight muscle.
01:10:10Hey, sweetie, can you grab me a beer?
01:10:11- I'll get you another Heineken. - Yeah.
01:10:13Merry Christmas.
01:10:16And how about you, Tiffany, what did you get for Christmas?
01:10:19I got this Mikimoto pearl necklace.
01:10:22But next year I'm gonna ask Santa for breast implants...
01:10:25...because I'm impatient with my body.
01:10:27Hey, Tiffany. Wanna know what I got? A crushed soul.
01:10:31You mentioned that earlier.
01:10:34- So good. - Oh, gosh!
01:10:35It's gone into a real bad spasm, so I put a yoga move on her.
01:10:41- grant me this one, because I was pretty wasted.
01:10:44So I put my lips around that breathalyzer...
01:10:46...and I saw those numerals pop up:
01:10:54So I started going to Chad Michael Murray's Christmas party.
01:10:58I think that was the year. And just driving...
01:11:01I have to interrupt you. Robert, while the children are in the living room...
01:11:04...I think this would be a good time to make our announcement.
01:11:08- What's going on? - It's over.
01:11:11I'm gonna be moving in with my friend Jack Handle...
01:11:14...and Nancy found a townhouse in the city.
01:11:18What is this? What's happening?
01:11:20What Robert is trying to say is that we are getting a divorce.
01:11:24- Don't do this. - No. No!
01:11:26- I could've called this one. - No.
01:11:28- Yeah. - Is it our fault?
01:11:30- Is it because we were bad? - No. No.
01:11:32The main thing that Robert and I talked about... that we did not want you two to blame yourselves.
01:11:38- What can we do to fix it? - Dale, honey, are you okay?
01:11:42- Why are you calling him "honey"? - I cannot stress this enough:
01:11:45- It is not your fault. - Whose fault is it?
01:11:49- Fuck it, I wanna fucking know! - Let's cut the shit.
01:11:51- It is directly your fault. - Robert.
01:11:55You destroyed my boat.
01:11:57You beat me up in your sleep...
01:11:58...and worst of all, you made Nancy and I resent each other.
01:12:03- It is absolutely 150 percent your fault! - Of course it's their fault.
01:12:08They're the world's biggest dickheads, and they're living in your house.
01:12:11- Shut up, Derek. - I'm sorry, but that...
01:12:15Please don't cry like that. Please don't, Brennan.
01:12:22- Mommy! - Dale!
01:12:26I told you that they would feel completely to blame.
01:12:29- Oh, let's grow up. - I think I'm going to throw up.
01:12:33- I think I'm gonna throw up... - Don't throw up.
01:12:36...all the nice dinner that I had. I'm gonna throw it up.
01:12:40- You're not gonna throw up. - He's gonna throw up.
01:12:43- Come on. - My God, he threw up. Oh, this is ugly.
01:12:46- Hey, guys. Guys. - This is not nice!
01:12:48- All right, dipshits. Right here. - Stop it, Derek.
01:12:51- One, two, three... - I don't want my picture taken now.
01:13:03Good luck, and remember, I need you out of this house by tomorrow.
01:13:06No exceptions.
01:13:17If there's anything you need, anything that you boys need... just give me a call. Okay? It's all right.
01:13:29Hey. Are you awake?
01:13:37I can't believe we actually have to move out of this house.
01:13:41I know. I feel bad.
01:13:44Hey, you know, we don't have to whisper anymore.
01:13:47Mom and Dad aren't here.
01:13:48Yeah, but can we keep doing it, though?
01:13:50It helps me pretend that they are.
01:13:53You must feel just terrible.
01:13:56- I mean, I know I feel bad. - Yeah.
01:14:00But I can't imagine how you feel...
01:14:02...after my dad looked right at you and said...'s all your fault that they broke up.
01:14:08That's funny, because my mom said:
01:14:12"If that curly-headed fuck Dale wasn't here...
01:14:14...everything would be perfect."
01:14:18- You take that back. - No way. It's your fault.
01:14:21You know what your problem is?
01:14:23You live in a fantasy land. You refuse to get a job...
01:14:26...and you don't know what it's like to work for something.
01:14:29You don't take responsibility for your actions. This is all your fault!
01:14:33Well, you're a mama's boy who's too chicken to sing in public!
01:14:38Yeah, that's right.
01:14:39Run away, little boy, because you know it's true.
01:14:42Just avoid everything.
01:14:45What are you doing?
01:14:47- Dale broke up Mom and Dad - Motherfucker!
01:14:50Dale broke up Mom and Dad Dale broke up Mom and Dad
01:14:54- Dale broke up Mom and... - Brennan!
01:15:02Get up, Brennan, I know you're faking. Get up!
01:15:06Get up!
01:15:15It's just like Cold Case Files. It's just like Cold Case Files.
01:15:18It's just like Cold Case Files.
01:15:21People die every day.
01:15:23Give him a proper burial in an unmarked grave...
01:15:31- Brennan! You're alive! Oh, my God. - I know.
01:15:34I'm alive.
01:15:38- You were dead. I saw you die! - I was faking.
01:15:42I used ninja focus to slow my heart rate down.
01:15:45- What are you doing? - I'm burying you.
01:15:48- I'm alive. Brennan, I'm alive. - You're waking the neighbors!
01:15:51- Shut up! - No. No.
01:15:55- Now I'm gonna play your drum set. - Help me.
01:15:58Close your eyes. Let the dirt just shower over you.
01:16:02This is your fault.
01:16:04Oh, I'm exhausted. I'm gonna sleep good tonight.
01:16:12- Don't you touch my drums! - Zombie!
01:16:15Zombie! Zombie!
01:16:19Get off me, zombie.
01:16:23Get off.
01:16:36I'm late for school.
01:16:37I will kiss you right on the mouth, Kenny Rogers.
01:16:42- Just get off me. - Hey.
01:16:48So I guess it's really over.
01:16:50I'd say you trying to bury me alive pretty much did it.
01:16:53You know what I just realized?
01:16:55You've been the one dragging me down.
01:16:58Now I'm gonna go out and I'm gonna get a job and an apartment...
01:17:01...and then I'm gonna get Mom and Dr. Doback back together.
01:17:04I'm gonna be the hero, and you can suck on it.
01:17:10My life was perfect before you came here.
01:17:13Me and my dad had a perfect setup, and you wrecked it.
01:17:23We're no longer brothers.
01:17:25We never were. We were stepbrothers.
01:17:42- That was one of your best. - These balls fucking suck.
01:17:46All right.
01:17:48Well, well, well, look who's here, boys.
01:17:50Can you give me a job, please?
01:17:54TJ, get an office pool going.
01:17:58Give Ken-Doll Crotch here two weeks, tops.
01:18:01Dr. Angel Face, I just wanted to say thank you...
01:18:03...for meeting me on such short notice.
01:18:07- Don't call me Angel Face. - I apologize.
01:18:10I'm very alone right now, and the thing I wanna ask you to help me...
01:18:15To show me how I can be a grown-up.
01:18:18Do I carry my high-school diploma around?
01:18:20What do you do with your hair?
01:18:22What happens if there's inclement weather?
01:18:24Where do you...? What do you wear?
01:18:26Can you wash clothes in the dishwasher?
01:18:28I notice that there's a long gap in your job history...
01:18:31...and it said for 22 years... went Kerouac on everyone's ass?
01:18:38I'm gonna be honest with you. I really need a job.
01:18:41And I will take any position, as long as it doesn't involve...
01:18:44...having sex with old ladies for money or bear traps.
01:18:48- Those are my two bugaboos. - All right, got it.
01:18:51There's a catering business, there's a temp job open.
01:18:54And you get to play with fire.
01:20:09What do you want? This is my online-poker time.
01:20:11I'm ready to take on the Catalina Wine Mixer.
01:20:14Slow down there, Speed Racer.
01:20:16I know what it entails, and I'm ready to nail it.
01:20:18I want it, okay? I want the Catalina Wine Mixer.
01:20:21- Yo, yo. - Hey, D-man.
01:20:23- You tell him what's up? - I sure did.
01:20:25- Hey. - Hey.
01:20:26Your brother wants a shot at the Catalina Wine Mixer.
01:20:29I'm ready, walking tall.
01:20:30You're ready to run with the bulls?
01:20:32I've been earning and burning, snapping necks and cashing checks.
01:20:37Screw it, let's let him do it. It's a win-win for me...
01:20:39...because if you fuck up, Brennan... - Yeah?
01:20:42...I get to fire your ass. But if you pull it off, I look like a genius to the board.
01:20:47- Okay? - I get it.
01:20:48Brennan, here's the thing.
01:20:50It's the Catalina fucking Wine Mixer, okay?
01:20:53Are you saying "pow"? What are you saying?
01:20:56It's the biggest helicopter-leasing event in the Western Hemisphere...
01:20:59...since 1997.
01:21:02- Why does he keep doing that? - I have to sell or lease... least 80 choppers to make my nut.
01:21:07And you mess with my nut, Brennan, Randy here is gonna eat your dick.
01:21:12Like Kobayashi.
01:21:16I've seen him do it.
01:21:17You've seen him eat a penis?
01:21:19It was in international waters, so they couldn't prosecute him.
01:21:22I tell you now, I'll nail it. I'll pull it off, okay?
01:21:25Wait a second, why do you want this so bad?
01:21:27Trying to get Mom and Dad back together or something?
01:21:29- Why do I want this? - Yeah.
01:21:31Because I wanna make bank, bro. I wanna get ass.
01:21:36And I wanna drive a Range Rover.
01:21:38Okay, well, you better, Brennan.
01:21:39This is the fucking Catalina Wine Mixer.
01:22:00Nancy. Hi.
01:22:02Hi. What are you doing here?
01:22:06Well, Dale's working the function.
01:22:08Guys, this is supposed to be jicama, not bok choy.
01:22:11Sorry, folks.
01:22:13And I got an invitation from Brennan.
01:22:16Can you believe Brennan put all this together?
01:22:22And now here we all are in Catalina.
01:22:24- It's funny, huh? - Yeah, it's funny.
01:22:28- Hey, hey, hey. - Hey.
01:22:32Not bad. You're nailing it.
01:22:34- Thanks, Randy. That means a lot. - Yeah.
01:22:36I don't know what it is...
01:22:38...but I wanna deliver one of these right in your suck hole.
01:22:41- Is there anything I can do? - No. Not really. It's your face.
01:22:44Again, you're doing great, man. The Catalina Wine Mixer.
01:22:47We're all having a great time, having fun.
01:22:49You pulled it off. But if you don't change your face...
01:22:52...l'm gonna change it for you. - Okay. Okay.
01:22:54All I can do is take that in, consider it...
01:22:56...and I'll just do my best version of whatever I think that would be.
01:23:00I don't even hear you, your face is driving me nuts.
01:23:03- Thanks again, though. - Oh, tits. Hold on.
01:23:05- Hey. Hello, Catalina Wine Mixer. - Hi.
01:23:09How are you? We are Uptown Girl.
01:23:11We are California's preeminent 1980s Billy Joel cover band.
01:23:15"Piano Man"!
01:23:17What did I just say, man?
01:23:19All right, we don't play that... let's keep it in the '80s and let's keep it fun.
01:23:24You having a good time?
01:23:25I hope you are, because sometimes life can be tough.
01:23:29And I know that sometimes it's hard to "Keeping the Faith."
01:23:43You guys seem to be hitting it off.
01:23:45Oh, honey.
01:23:47Oh, my God, this is the greatest party.
01:23:49- Hello, Robert. - Way to go.
01:23:50- Brennan, this is fantastic. - Way to go.
01:23:53So impressed.
01:23:55- Hi, Dad. Hi, Nancy. - Hi, Dale.
01:23:57- Hey, Brennan. - It's good to see you.
01:23:59Thanks for hiring our catering company.
01:24:01Easy decision. You guys have a outstanding track record.
01:24:05- Just like old times, huh? - Right, it really is.
01:24:08You still have your night-vision goggles?
01:24:10No, no. No, I had to sell those to pay for car insurance.
01:24:14How about you? You still breaking boards...
01:24:16...or kicking holes in pumpkins or anything?
01:24:21But I did start taking baby aspirin to reduce my risk for heart attack.
01:24:24That makes sense. Gotta keep an eye on it, you know.
01:24:27- Knock off the sweets. - Thank you.
01:24:34It's a truly funny observation.
01:24:39Dale, the empanadas are starting to sweat.
01:24:42Okay. I better run.
01:24:44- It's good to see you, Brennan. - You too.
01:24:46- Take care, be well. Take care, Dad. - Okay, buddy.
01:24:49- It's great to talk to him. - Yeah.
01:24:53I gotta go too.
01:24:54We should do this again. I think it was very constructive.
01:25:01- Maybe grab a bite to eat? - Sure.
01:25:04- Go to Outback Steakhouse. - Okay.
01:25:06I've grown very fond of that place.
01:25:09Thank you for coming.
01:25:11Great to see you.
01:25:14It was very nice to see you, Robert.
01:25:17I think Brennan organized this whole thing to get us back together.
01:25:24You have to excuse me. I think that I just might cry.
01:25:29It's the funniest thing. Bye-bye.
01:25:37"Start the Fire," buddy!
01:25:40Come on, man. Play something from The Stranger!
01:25:43We strictly do '80s Joel music, sir.
01:25:49'80s Billy Joel doo-wop sucks!
01:25:51Hey, listen, motherfucker, we only sing '80s Joel!
01:25:54So take your skank hooker wife and get the fuck out of here!
01:26:00- What's wrong? - All right. "What's wrong?"
01:26:02Get him out of here. Get his ass out of here!
01:26:06Hey, great job, fuck face. You just busted my nut. This party's shot.
01:26:10Just relax. I didn't realize he would say these things.
01:26:13You know what? You cost me money.
01:26:15So this isn't even a judgment call, man.
01:26:17- You're Audi 5000, my friend. - Derek, can't we talk about this?
01:26:22- Hey. - Shit.
01:26:24- Is everything okay? - No. He just fired me.
01:26:27What happened to the music?
01:26:28The band left. The guy freaked out.
01:26:31Derek fired me.
01:26:32- It's no big deal. - Robert, you don't get it.
01:26:35It's the Catalina Wine Mixer!
01:26:37People have killed to be in the position I'm in.
01:26:39- He's right. It's a big deal. - Here's a thought:
01:26:42I see an empty stage.
01:26:44I see drums, I see a drummer.
01:26:47I see a microphone, and I see a singer.
01:26:50- Dad, come on. - What?
01:26:51- We gave that stuff up. - We don't do that.
01:26:53Listen to me. Dale, look, when I was a kid...
01:26:56...when I was a little boy, I always wanted to be a dinosaur.
01:26:59I wanted to be a Tyrannosaurus rex more than anything.
01:27:02I made my arms short and I roamed the backyard...
01:27:05...and I chased the neighborhood cats, and I growled and I roared.
01:27:09Everybody knew me and was afraid of me.
01:27:11And then one day, my dad said:
01:27:13"Bobby, you're 17. It's time to throw childish things aside."
01:27:17And I said, "Okay, Pop."
01:27:18But he didn't really say that, he said, "Stop being a dinosaur and get a job."
01:27:22But, you know, I thought to myself, "I'll go to medical school...
01:27:26...l'll practice for a little while, and then I'll come back to it."
01:27:29- Dad... - How is that a skill?
01:27:31But I forgot how to do it.
01:27:33You're human.
01:27:34- You could never be a dinosaur. - Yeah.
01:27:38Hey, I lost it.
01:27:40- Dad, what's the point? - Yeah.
01:27:43The point is don't lose your dinosaur.
01:27:46Yeah. You know, I hated the way you guys were before.
01:27:49I mean, I hated you.
01:27:50But it just kills me to see you so crushed and normal.
01:27:55Listen to me, don't listen to me...
01:27:57...Prestige Worldwide, that's what you gotta do.
01:28:01- You're saying we should go for it. - That's what I'm saying.
01:28:05What do you think, Brennan?
01:28:06I'm so scared right now. I'm gonna do what's sensible:
01:28:09I'm gonna file for unemployment...
01:28:11...and I'm gonna try to get a job at Enterprise Rent-A-Car.
01:28:14Because they got a excellent corporate structure...
01:28:17...and they give you the tools to be your own boss.
01:28:20My dad's right.
01:28:22This isn't me.
01:28:24I'm fucking miserable. I had to get up at 10:00 this morning.
01:28:27And even though I just got a tidal wave of nerves...
01:28:31...l'm going up on that stage...
01:28:33...and I'm gonna make beautiful music for a sad world.
01:28:36- Dale... - That's the boy I know.
01:28:38This crowd's gonna eat him alive.
01:28:43Wait, what's he doing up there?
01:28:44Somebody get him off the fucking stage!
01:28:47Hi. How you doing?
01:28:49My name's Dale Doback, and I hope you like to kick it.
01:28:52Oh, go get them, Dale!
01:28:56Boats and ho's
01:28:57Get off the stage, you dick!
01:28:59Stop yelling at him.
01:29:03- Terrible! - Terrible.
01:29:05He's a human being.
01:29:06Dale has a mangina Dale has a mangina
01:29:12Gotta have me my boats and ho's
01:29:14He's up there alone, Brennan. He's up there alone.
01:29:18Gotta have me my boats and ho's
01:29:21- You suck! - What are you doing, Brennan?
01:29:23Gotta have me my...
01:29:25Brennan, no!
01:29:28- What did you do? - Oh, Jesus, Nancy.
01:29:30I couldn't stand to see him like that. I miss my son.
01:29:32All right. Let me go for a few bars. Come in soft, but then finish strong.
01:29:37- Okay. Hey, Brennan? - Yeah.
01:29:39- Thanks for coming up. - You got it, Dragon.
01:29:43We got a little change coming up.
01:29:45It's my main man Brennan.
01:30:43Boats and ho's
01:31:03Boats and ho's
01:31:52- You did it, Derek. - I made a kite fly.
01:31:55Brennan, you're the best big brother ever!
01:32:07- floor mats. The ones that match the seats, and I kind of wanted...
01:32:11I traveled 500 miles to give you my seed.
01:32:57Rock the fuck out of those drums, Dale!
01:32:59I'm sorry.
01:33:41- We're Prestige Worldwide! - Prestige Worldwide!
01:33:44- Fucking Catalina Wine Mixer. - It's the fucking Catalina Wine Mixer.
01:33:49It's the fucking Catalina Wine Mixer.
01:33:52Brennan, that was sublime.
01:33:53Amazing. We are so proud of you both.
01:33:56- Thank you. - Incredible.
01:33:58- Thank you so much. - Hey.
01:33:59So I made my quota. Yeah, we sold a shit-ton of copters.
01:34:03- That's so good. - Yeah.
01:34:05Look, I'm not great at this Hallmark stuff...
01:34:09...but, Brennan, when I look at you now...
01:34:11...I don't wanna kick you in the head quite as much.
01:34:15Thanks, man.
01:34:17- That was beautiful. - That was nice.
01:34:21- What do we do now? - We could hug.
01:34:23Yeah, you'd like that, faggot. Sorry. I'm...
01:34:42- It's okay. - Okay.
01:34:58- That's what we've been looking for. - That's the ticket.
01:35:01It's fantastic.
01:35:03We've never done anything like that, so you can't expect it to be perfect.
01:35:06It was good.
01:35:08- Felt good. - Gotten close to a hug.
01:35:10- Hello, Brennan. Hi. - Denise. Hey.
01:35:14Robert, Mom, Derek, this is my girlfriend, Denise.
01:35:17- Hi. How are you? - Actually, I'm his therapist.
01:35:20- We are in absolutely no way dating. - Right.
01:35:23Brennan told me he was going to hurl his body off a helicopter...
01:35:27...into shark-infested waters... I had a legal obligation to be here.
01:35:32I get it.
01:35:34Don't wanna appear too eager, and that is a good strategy too.
01:35:38You are an enabler. You think you're helping...
01:35:40...but you're not. - And you are a keeper.
01:35:42What'd you think?
01:35:45Brennan, I thought you were incredibly brave.
01:35:49And I mean that... strictly the most clinical and professional sense possible...
01:35:54...with no emotional, intimate, sexual...
01:35:58...or any other undertones that you could possibly infer.
01:36:00God, you're gonna make me cry.
01:36:04What poem is that from? Is that James Joyce?
01:36:10...I like making sex with you. - Yeah.
01:36:12I do. But you're also married.
01:36:16It's over.
01:36:19This is crazy. I'm a mother.
01:36:21I have two children, I have a husband, a beautiful home.
01:36:24- I can't be fucking around with you. - It was fun. It was fun, right?
01:36:27- It was fun while it lasted. - I'm glad. All right, well, good luck.
01:36:32- No. - Oh, my God, Dale!
01:36:36- Please don't leave me. - Oh, my God. Look at that whale.
01:36:52So I was with Seal...
01:36:53...and we were just taking a chopper up to Everest base camp...
01:36:57...and the plot to my Sherpa... - Derek. Derek.
01:36:59- Sorry. Okay. - Remember, we talked about this.
01:37:02Dale, Brennan. Tell me about the karaoke business.
01:37:05Really great, Dad. Yeah. We call it Karaoke 'n' Roll.
01:37:09We got six bars, three restaurants, and two more wanna sign up.
01:37:12- So it's booming. - Fantastic.
01:37:14Most karaoke it's, "Open to everyone.
01:37:16- Hey, just get up and have fun." - Not you guys.
01:37:18If you can't sing, just sit down. That's our motto.
01:37:21- It's the big leagues. - You guys are doing so great.
01:37:24Guys, I have a little Christmas surprise for Dale and Brennan.
01:37:29- You wanna see it? - Yes!
01:37:30- You bet! - Let's go look at it! Come on.
01:37:33- Don't peek. - I smell cookies.
01:37:35Be patient. No, no. No, no.
01:37:38- Just a pińata, isn't it? - Be patient. Be patient.
01:37:41- Be patient. - Did you get me a tiger, Dad?
01:37:43Okay, open your eyes.
01:37:45Merry Christmas.
01:37:46Holy shit!
01:37:48Dad, I can't believe you put the boat in the tree!
01:37:51This is amazing!
01:37:54- It's The Gilded Lady. She lives! - I can't believe it.
01:37:57- How'd you get it up here? - Oh, Robert, it's so great.
01:38:02- Pirate hats! - Pirate hats!
01:38:07- Hustlers! - Hustlers!
01:38:09Dad, that was so thoughtful!
01:38:13- Crossbows! - Crossbows!
01:38:16You guys finally came to your senses and got us something cool.
01:38:19You both know this is completely fucked up, right?
01:38:22- Yeah. - Of course.
01:38:23But Brennan sure can wear the shit out of that pirate hat.
01:38:27- Chewbacca masks! - Chewbacca masks!
01:38:34It's okay that mine's not movie-quality.
01:39:03But he's like, "No, because you drove my car last week, so I can't get it."
01:39:07So I'm like "You're gonna buy it for me or I'm gonna sock you in the mouth."
01:39:19Oh, shit.
01:39:27Well, if it isn't Dale Doback and his little butt buddy.
01:39:31Sticks and stones may break my bones...
01:39:33...but I'm gonna kick you repeatedly in the balls, Gardocki!
01:39:37Let's get them!
01:40:26- Where do you think you're going? - Home.
01:40:28- We got something to show you. - Come on.
01:40:32- You see that white dog crap? - Do you see it?!
01:40:36- Yeah. - Not too fun down there, is it?
01:40:38- No. - You see?
01:40:39Your actions have consequences!
01:40:41When you oppress people, they rise up in a fiery anger!
01:40:47Go home.
01:40:50We're not like you. We're grown-ups, motherfucker!
01:40:53Say hi to your dad. We went to high school together.
01:41:03The cops'll be here soon.
01:41:06I guess this is what it feels like to be grown up.
01:41:11Can I ask you something?
01:41:13Yeah, of course.
01:41:15You know back when you first moved in?
01:41:18- Did you touch my drum set? - No, I didn't.
01:41:21No, really, I won't get mad. I just wanna know.
01:41:23No, I know. You said you wouldn't get mad.
01:41:25I'm saying I didn't do it. I didn't do it, I never did it.
01:41:28- Then I owe you an apology. - No.
01:41:30No, you don't, at all. No.
01:41:32Why wouldn't you take an apology if you didn't do it?
01:41:34Just because I'm cool. It doesn't matter.
01:45:18You got my passport.
01:45:20I'm good.
01:45:25Don't worry, not gonna be late. Don't worry.
01:46:28Subtitles by LeapinLar

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