The Jerk

00:00:51Huh?
00:00:53I am not a bum.
00:00:56I'm a jerk.
00:01:00I once had wealth, power,
00:01:05and the love of a beautiful woman.
00:01:09Now, I only have two things.
00:01:14My friends
00:01:24and, uh, my thermos.
00:01:32Huh?
00:01:36My story?
00:01:47Okay.
00:01:51It was never easy for me.
00:01:56I was born a poor black child.
00:02:01I remember the days
00:02:03sittin' on the porch with my family
00:02:07singin' and dancin' down in Mississippi.
00:02:11[Children screaming]
00:02:12[All chattering]
00:02:18Whoa Lordie Pick a bale a day
00:03:11[neighing]
00:03:14[Meowing]
00:03:15Boy, I hope everybody's good and hungry.
00:03:17I know I am.
00:03:19(Father) And I'm ready for that.
00:03:20Here's corn bread and collard greens.
00:03:24And I cooked up those hog maws you like.
00:03:26Mother, dear, ain't we forgetting somethin'?
00:03:30No, I'm not. Today is Navin's birthday.
00:03:33[All exclaiming]
00:03:36Happy Birthday!
00:03:37Today is Navin's birthday.
00:03:38And I cooked you up your favorite meal.
00:03:42Tuna fish salad on white bread with mayonnaise
00:03:45a Tab, and a couple of Twinkies.
00:03:48Here, darlin'.
00:03:49Gee, Mom, thanks.
00:03:51You're gonna like that shit, man.
00:03:53[All laughing]
00:03:56I got you a present.
00:03:59Gee, Elvira.
00:04:00I made it myself.
00:04:01We got you somethin', too.
00:04:03A whole half bottle of Lilac Vegetal.
00:04:04It's from both of us. Gee.
00:04:06[Chuckling]
00:04:07I drew you this picture.
00:04:09Here.
00:04:10[Chuckling]
00:04:11(Navin) Thank you.
00:04:13I want you to have my Zippo.
00:04:17Gee, Dad,
00:04:19you had this since the war.
00:04:25Thanks.
00:04:28[Choking] Thanks, everybody.
00:04:31God bless us, every one.
00:04:35Navin.
00:04:37[Sniffling]
00:04:41Well, will you pass me the potatoes and the collard greens?
00:04:45Navin, darlin'?
00:04:46I'm sorry I spoiled the party, Mom.
00:04:48Aw, you didn't spoil the party.
00:04:55Navin, I brought you a Twinkie.
00:05:00I'm not hungry right now.
00:05:03You feelin' different again, huh?
00:05:06It's like I don't fit in.
00:05:07It's like I don't belong here.
00:05:09[Sniffling]
00:05:11It's your birthday, and it's time you knew.
00:05:14Navin, you're not our natural-born child.
00:05:23I'm not?
00:05:26You were left on our doorstep.
00:05:29But we raised you like you were one of us.
00:05:32You mean I'm gonna stay this color?
00:05:35[Crying]
00:05:37Navin, I'd love you
00:05:39if you were the color of a baboon's ass. Come here.
00:05:48Uh, Navin...
00:05:52Navin, I... I wrapped your sandwich in cellophane,
00:05:54just like you like it.
00:05:57You, uh, wanna come in and sing some blues?
00:06:02No thanks, Taj.
00:06:04There's somethin' about those songs,
00:06:07they depress me.
00:06:08[Chuckling] Come here, darlin'.
00:06:10[Laughing]
00:06:13[Scatting]
00:06:20That's it, darlin'.
00:06:24You're gettin' the rhythm, see?
00:06:26[Continues scatting]
00:06:35(male announcer) And that concludes this Sunday Night Gospel Hour
00:06:38live from the Four Square Gospel Church
00:06:41at the Divine Salvation in St. Louis, Missouri.
00:06:44The Rev. Williard Willman, Pastor.
00:06:46And now, Music Throughout the Night.
00:06:48Music in a mellow mood.
00:06:50[Music playing on radio]
00:08:05Grandma!
00:08:08What happened? What happened?
00:08:10Don't touch that radio! Don't touch it!
00:08:12Turn it up! Turn it up!
00:08:14This is unbelievable!
00:08:15I've never heard music like this before!
00:08:18It speaks to me! Taj, Dad.
00:08:21This is unbelievable. Now watch. Now watch.
00:08:24[Music continues playing on radio]
00:08:28Yeah.
00:08:30Well, if this is out there,
00:08:31think how much more is out there!
00:08:34This is the kind of music that tells me
00:08:36to go out there and be somebody!
00:08:39But, Navin.
00:08:40Let him go.
00:08:50Son, now that you're goin' out into the world,
00:08:54there's, uh, somethin' you should know.
00:08:57[Whinnying]
00:08:58You see that?
00:08:59Yeah.
00:09:00That's shit.
00:09:02[Goat bleating]
00:09:03And this, Shinola.
00:09:09Shit.
00:09:12Shinola.
00:09:13Son, you're gonna be all right.
00:09:16Now what town are you gonna try for first?
00:09:19Well, I thought I'd try to go to St. Louis
00:09:21'cause that's where that radio show was coming from.
00:09:24And remember, the Lord loves a workin' man.
00:09:28Lord loves a workin' man.
00:09:29And Son, don't never, ever trust whitey.
00:09:33Don't trust whitey.
00:09:34The Lord loves a workin' man, don't trust whitey.
00:09:37[Goat bleating]
00:09:38Oh, baby.
00:09:40Daddy.
00:09:45Pierre. Come here.
00:09:47Don't you forget to grow up now.
00:09:49Good luck.
00:09:51Send me a picture postcard.
00:09:53Don't forget, baby.
00:09:54Okay, okay, let the boy go.
00:09:56Bye.
00:09:58We got work to do.
00:09:59And I hope you find whatever it is you're looking for.
00:10:03[Hens clucking]
00:10:06I will, Ma. I know it's out there.
00:10:09It's out there all right, and if you catch it,
00:10:11see a doctor and get rid of it.
00:10:13See a doctor and get rid of it.
00:10:14Good luck.
00:10:15The Lord loves a workin' man.
00:10:16Don't trust whitey.
00:10:18See a doctor and get rid of it.
00:10:21Bye, Grandma.
00:10:24[Dog barking]
00:10:28[Sighing]
00:10:37Oh, I sure do miss Navin.
00:10:41(Elvira) Is he ever comin' back?
00:10:44Take away his place settin'.
00:10:46It's making us too goddamn sad.
00:10:53I wonder if he's doin' all right.
00:10:56Hey, Navin, how you doin'?
00:10:59Don't worry 'bout me.
00:11:00I think I see a car comin'.
00:11:02No wait, it's a truck. It's a truck.
00:11:07Oh, Lord, take care of our little boy.
00:11:11[Truck approaching]
00:11:16I'm hitchhikin'.
00:11:18How far you goin'?
00:11:19St. Louis. How far are you goin'?
00:11:22To the end of this fence.
00:11:25Okay.
00:11:29[Door slams]
00:11:30I'm Navin Johnson. What's your name, sir?
00:11:33Here we are.
00:11:35Okay.
00:11:42Thanks for the company.
00:11:45(Navin) I hope I can repay you someday.
00:11:51[Crickets chirping]
00:12:21[Snoring]
00:12:24[Dog barking]
00:12:39Well, what is it, boy? Are you lost?
00:12:41[Barking]
00:12:42Do you want to play? Is it trouble?
00:12:45[Yelping]
00:12:48Trouble? Is it an accident?
00:12:52A drownin'? A fire?
00:12:56Fire.
00:12:57[Exclaiming]
00:13:00Gosh, we've got to warn everybody.
00:13:03I've heard about dogs like you.
00:13:05You're gonna be famous.
00:13:07You're gonna... You're gonna get your picture taken,
00:13:09and they'll put it in the paper.
00:13:11Gosh, this is excitin'. You saved my life.
00:13:15Come on, let's warn everybody.
00:13:17Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf!
00:13:19Fire! It's a fire!
00:13:21[Woman screaming]
00:13:22There's a fire! Everybody! Wake up.
00:13:25There's a fire!
00:13:26This dog, he's saving everybody's life!
00:13:29He's unbelievable.
00:13:30He's some dog. He's a lifesaver.
00:13:32(Navin) That's what I'll call him, too. Old Lifesaver.
00:13:35That's gonna be your name!
00:13:37[Siren wailing]
00:13:40Folks? False alarm. There's no fire.
00:13:43[People chattering]
00:13:46Hey, mister, don't call that dog "Lifesaver."
00:13:49No?
00:13:50Call him "Shithead."
00:13:52Good. Shithead.
00:13:56It's excitin'.
00:13:58It's just exciting to have this kind of life on the road.
00:14:02A guy and his dog.
00:14:03[Truck honking]
00:14:08(man) St. Louis?
00:14:09No. Navin Johnson.
00:14:11No, do you want a lift to St. Louis?
00:14:14Oh! Okay, thanks.
00:14:15Hop in.
00:14:20(Navin) This will be fine. Right here.
00:14:30[Barking]
00:14:31Thank you.
00:14:35Where you goin'?
00:14:36To the bathroom.
00:14:38You gotta have a key.
00:14:39Can I get one?
00:14:41My key is for customers who buy gas.
00:14:43Oh!
00:14:44I'm buying gas.
00:14:46I don't see no car.
00:14:48I... I just need enough for my lighter.
00:14:51Oh, look at this.
00:14:52And my wife wanted me to stay home today.
00:14:54Look what I would have missed.
00:14:55A complete fill-up for a whole lighter, huh?
00:14:58It's on that wall.
00:14:59Thank you.
00:15:01[Clanging]
00:15:08And don't walk away with it.
00:15:10I won't.
00:15:12[Knocking on door]
00:15:13(Harry) Hey, pop-top.
00:15:15Hey, silverbird, I'm talkin' to you.
00:15:17Huh?
00:15:18Listen, you wanna be president of the Texaco Oil?
00:15:21Sure.
00:15:22Then clean up the sink in there.
00:15:26Then I'll be president of Texaco Oil?
00:15:29Whatever happened to workin' your way up?
00:15:31He starts workin' for me 10 minutes
00:15:33and already he wants to be president.
00:15:36Get to work in there.
00:15:38But, sir, I don't work here.
00:15:40Not even for $1. 10 an hour?
00:16:08(Navin) "Dear Folks, I got this great job in a gas station.
00:16:11"I don't wanna say how much I'm getting,
00:16:14but let's just say it's a lot."
00:16:16"I'm enclosing $2."
00:16:18That's a good boy.
00:16:21"It's a lot of fun working and Mr. Hartounian is really nice.
00:16:24He's teaching me how to be impatient."
00:16:27Navin!
00:16:28"Well, I gotta go now.
00:16:30What do you think I do, write letters all day?"
00:16:35You actually sleep here?
00:16:37Yes, is that okay?
00:16:39Come with me.
00:16:40I got a beautiful little place for you to stay.
00:16:43Put the light on. You're gonna like it here.
00:16:47Like it?
00:16:49I love it! This is fabulous!
00:16:52I mean, you got the toilet here.
00:16:55This must be the kitchen. No.
00:16:59You know, what I could do
00:17:01is take this wall and just turn it this way
00:17:04so I've got a much larger living space,
00:17:06plus it'll create a flow into the main living area.
00:17:08It'll be incredible.
00:17:10No, no, I'll just elevate this about 6 inches.
00:17:12Create the illusion of two rooms
00:17:14and yet still have that flow.
00:17:16Then I can take bookshelves and put them here.
00:17:19No, I'll put the books right over here.
00:17:22That way I can be relaxed over here.
00:17:23The customers come in and use the urinal. Navin.
00:17:26I won't disturb them, they won't disturb me.
00:17:28Take it easy, it's not here. It's in here.
00:17:30Oh!
00:17:33I couldn't afford this, anyway.
00:17:35Well, this is it.
00:17:38It's perfect.
00:17:40I won't have to change this at all.
00:17:42Take a look.
00:17:44No kitchen, no windows, no chairs, no tables.
00:17:47It's a masterpiece of understatement.
00:17:49I'll put a bed down here, get a bigger bulb.
00:17:52I'll bring some sheets from the house.
00:17:54You'll be set for life.
00:17:56Gosh!
00:17:58How much is this gonna cost me?
00:18:00Nothin'.
00:18:01When you're rich and famous, you'll send me a postcard.
00:18:06A postcard, huh?
00:18:14Okay. It's a deal.
00:18:17It's a deal.
00:18:20What are those?
00:18:22(Harry) Step outside for a second, darlin'.
00:18:24Navin, this is my wife, Lenore.
00:18:26Lenore, this is Navin.
00:18:28Pleased to meet you.
00:18:29Navin, do you know why a woman of such pulchritude
00:18:31is married to a man like me?
00:18:33'Cause I make a very comfortable living.
00:18:35And this is the first time I'm leaving you alone on a Sunday.
00:18:38If anything should happen to this station,
00:18:40this woman would leave me like a...
00:18:44In other words, there would be no more, uh...
00:18:46Do you know what I'm talkin' about?
00:18:48Yes, sir. No more...
00:18:52So remember, guard this station with your life.
00:18:55Because my sex life is in your hands.
00:18:57[Car door closing]
00:19:00[Bell tinkling]
00:19:01[Tires screeching]
00:19:04[Engine revving]
00:19:09I can fix those shocks.
00:19:11No, no, we just want some gas, muchacho.
00:19:15Okay, but it's Sunday. We got to have a credit card.
00:19:17[Exclaiming]
00:19:19Then all the cash is locked up?
00:19:21Oh, no, not locked up.
00:19:22We got a lot of cash.
00:19:24It's just that the banks are closed,
00:19:25and I'm not allowed to have cash coming in or going out
00:19:28'cause I'm here alone for the first time.
00:19:30I don't want anything to happen.
00:19:32And you know, you flash this kind of wad in front of some people,
00:19:34they'll kill you for it.
00:19:36So we got to have a credit card.
00:19:37Hey, Trin, have you got a credit card in there?
00:19:40Huh? Credit card. Hola.
00:19:43[Chuckling]
00:19:49Oh, no thanks, I don't smoke.
00:19:51What kind of cigarette is that?
00:19:53A joint.
00:19:54Joint?
00:19:55They don't make 'em very good.
00:19:57Master Charge do?
00:19:58Yeah, that's fine. We take Master Charge.
00:20:01You want a fill-up, uh, Mrs. Nussbaum?
00:20:06Oh, I'm Mr. Nussbaum.
00:20:08Yeah, that-that's his wife's card.
00:20:11His wife's card, huh?
00:20:13Yeah, I'll vouch for him.
00:20:14Okay, as long as we've got a voucher.
00:20:18[Men speaking Spanish]
00:20:26[Men laughing]
00:20:28Stolen?
00:20:30[Men chattering]
00:20:38[Man chuckling]
00:20:51I got it. Just send a police car over.
00:20:55Mrs. Nussbaum's credit card.
00:20:57I got the guys who stole it.
00:20:59[Honking]
00:21:00Hold on, they're calling me.
00:21:02I'll be right back.
00:21:03[Car honking]
00:21:04[Men chattering]
00:21:07Yes?
00:21:08Yeah. Throw a couple of tires in the trunk.
00:21:12Put it on the card. Radials.
00:21:14(Navin) Okay.
00:21:15Make them whitewalls.
00:21:16Yes, sir, Mr. Nussbaum.
00:21:24I'm back. Only, it's worst than I thought.
00:21:27They're not only sticking us for gas,
00:21:29but they're grabbing tires and everything.
00:21:31They're really socking it to us.
00:21:33Yeah, it's Hartounian's Gas Station at the corner.
00:21:35Hang on a second.
00:21:37I don't want to get them suspicious.
00:21:40Don't worry, I can keep them here.
00:21:42I saw this trick in a movie.
00:21:45[Church bell tolling]
00:21:48Got your tires.
00:21:49(man) Yeah, yeah, good.
00:21:50[Speaking in Spanish]
00:21:52[Church bell tolling]
00:22:13[Men laughing]
00:22:34Anything else?
00:22:36Yeah.
00:22:37We'll take that money you got in your pocket.
00:22:39Oh, sure. I'll just put it on the card.
00:22:44Hey, guess what?
00:22:46You are our eighth customer today.
00:22:48You won a free oven mitt.
00:22:51Hah! I'll go get it for you.
00:22:58[Chuckling]
00:23:08Yeah, I'm back. Uh-huh.
00:23:10[Chuckling]
00:23:11Yeah, they're gonna be here for a while.
00:23:13Don't worry. I rigged it.
00:23:16You guys wanna stick around for an oven mitt?
00:23:19Nah!
00:23:21[Speaking in Spanish]
00:23:22[Squealing]
00:23:24Hang on just a second.
00:23:38[People screaming]
00:23:52Um, they might not be here exactly,
00:23:54uh, when you get back
00:23:56but, uh, it's a... It's a blue Chevy two-door,
00:24:01and it'll be going south on Hertodo Street.
00:24:06No, I can't make out the license number
00:24:08but, uh, it'll be pulling a small church.
00:24:12So, any blue Chevy pulling a small church,
00:24:15I figure that-that'd be the one.
00:24:17Yeah. Uh-huh.
00:24:18Believe me, I'm not mad at you.
00:24:21What's the matter with you?
00:24:22What did I lose? A couple of tires?
00:24:27Look at the bright side, we also lost a church.
00:24:30Gee, Mr. Hartounian.
00:24:33[Bell tinkling]
00:24:34Gee, Mr. Hartounian!
00:24:36[Panting]
00:24:38Oh, my God!
00:24:42Thank you.
00:24:52The new phone book's here! The new phone book's here!
00:24:55Boy, I wish I could get that excited about nothin'.
00:24:57Nothing? Are you kidding? Page 73.
00:25:00"Johnson, Navin R."
00:25:03I'm somebody now!
00:25:05Millions of people look at this book every day.
00:25:08This is the kind of spontaneous publicity
00:25:11your name in print, that makes people...
00:25:15I'm in print.
00:25:18Things are going to start happening to me now.
00:25:25Johnson, Navin R.
00:25:27Sounds like a typical bastard.
00:25:33(madman) Die, Navin R. Johnson!
00:25:40Bastard. Random son of a bitch.
00:25:42Typical run-of-the-mill bastard.
00:25:44(Navin) Fill her up?
00:25:46(Stan) Fill her up, son, and a little bit extra.
00:25:48Stan Fox, buying gas.
00:25:49Navin R. Johnson selling it, sir.
00:25:52(madman) Got you, you average, typical,
00:25:55blocking-of-the-view of a goddamn average victim bastard.
00:25:59Check your oil?
00:26:00Check away, Navin R. Johnson.
00:26:02Oil rag at the ready, sir.
00:26:03Let's check the oil together.
00:26:05Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
00:26:11Son-of-a-blocking bastard.
00:26:12Looks good to me, sir, but I'd like your opinion.
00:26:15Damn these glasses.
00:26:17It looks good to me, too.
00:26:19Hurry up, son, time's a-wastin'.
00:26:20I'm going to the john.
00:26:22Don't forget to check those tires.
00:26:23Damn these glasses, son.
00:26:25Yes, sir, I damn thee.
00:26:29Damn.
00:26:30[Mumbling]
00:26:34Damn these glasses!
00:26:36Sir.
00:26:37I can fix those glasses.
00:26:39You can?
00:26:40Well, here, fix those suckers.
00:26:53Shit!
00:27:13Sir? Guess what? I fixed them.
00:27:19I was back there thinking,
00:27:20"What causes glasses to slip on and off?"
00:27:23And it's because when you take them on and off,
00:27:26you're always putting pressure on the frames like this.
00:27:28It causes 'em to spread.
00:27:30So I put a little handle right here in the center,
00:27:33and it puts the pressure on the bridge where it belongs,
00:27:36just like the tie rods on a '72 Buick.
00:27:38Plus, I put a little nose break on them here
00:27:40to prevent slippage. Try it.
00:27:43Use the handle.
00:27:47Well, I'll be...
00:27:50It works.
00:27:52You know, I make a pretty good living selling shit like this.
00:27:56I'll tell you what,
00:27:57if I can develop this gizmo,
00:27:58I'll split it with you 50/50.
00:28:00Okay, how much do I owe you for the gas?
00:28:02I got a trunk load of shit to sell.
00:28:04$26.41.
00:28:05Here's $30. Keep the change.
00:28:07Wow! Thanks.
00:28:12(madman) Dead center! Say your prayers, half-breed!
00:28:15[Bullet whizzing]
00:28:25Hey, Harry. Look at this.
00:28:28What's the matter with these cans?
00:28:32Die, Milk Face!
00:28:35[Chuckling]
00:28:37These cans are defective.
00:28:38They're springing leaks.
00:28:40Come over here and look at this.
00:28:43Listen, you better run for cover
00:28:44or you're gonna spring a leak. Uh?
00:28:46We don't have defective cans.
00:28:47We have a defective person out there.
00:28:50[Gun fires]
00:28:52He hates these cans.
00:28:55Stay away from the cans!
00:28:57Die, gas pumper.
00:29:00I got to get away from those cans.
00:29:02[Gun firing]
00:29:03There's cans in there, too.
00:29:07[Glass shattering]
00:29:09More cans.
00:29:12Die, you bastard.
00:29:15[Screaming]
00:29:16He doesn't want to put holes in the cans.
00:29:18He wants to put holes in you.
00:29:19What?
00:29:22[Panting]
00:29:24Milk face bastard!
00:29:27Oh, my God. I'm endangering your life.
00:29:30Cover me. You're covered.
00:29:31Suck my toes!
00:29:39You stay here. I'll distract him.
00:29:51[Gun firing]
00:29:56Shithead! Come on!
00:30:01Come on, boy. Good boy.
00:30:33"Carnival personnel only." Damn.
00:30:41Shithead, come on!
00:30:43You're not carnival personnel!
00:30:48Come on, boy, come on.
00:30:50Hey, he ain't no carnival personnel.
00:30:52[Trigger clicking]
00:30:54Okay, you move it out.
00:30:55[Engine starting]
00:31:02(Navin) So, Mom, when I told Mr. Hartounian I'd come back,
00:31:05he said "Don't be a putz. See the world.
00:31:08Me, you've seen already."
00:31:10I took his advice and got a job with SJM Fiesta Shows
00:31:13as a weight guesser.
00:31:15Frosty, my boss, told me
00:31:16there's a big future in weight guessing.
00:31:19Enclosed is $4.75 for my loving family.
00:31:23P.S. Is Grandma still fartin'?
00:31:26(Navin) For $1,
00:31:28I'll guess your weight, your height, or your sex.
00:31:31The most exciting thing on the midway.
00:31:34Imagine the thrill
00:31:35of getting your weight guessed by a professional.
00:31:39You can blow up your cheeks, you can stick out your chest,
00:31:42but you're not going to fool the guesser.
00:31:45How about you, sir? Step right up.
00:31:47Honey, let's see how good this guy is.
00:31:49Now, what do I win?
00:31:52Uh, anything in this general area, right in here.
00:31:56Anything below the stereo,
00:31:57and on this side of the bicentennial glasses.
00:32:00Anything between the ashtrays and the thimble.
00:32:04Anything in these three inches.
00:32:07Right in here, in this area,
00:32:08that includes the Chiclets but not the erasers.
00:32:11No, sir. Come on, honey.
00:32:13He thought he had himself a rube.
00:32:18Frosty, I am just no good at this.
00:32:21Oh, come on, Navin, you're doing fine.
00:32:23No, I've already given away eight pencils,
00:32:25two hula dolls, and an ashtray,
00:32:27and I've only taken in $15.
00:32:29Navin, you have taken in $15
00:32:32and given away 50 cents' worth of crap.
00:32:35Which gives us a net profit of $14.50.
00:32:40Ah!
00:32:44It's a profit deal.
00:32:48[Chuckles]
00:32:50That takes the pressure off.
00:32:52Get your weight guessed right here.
00:32:54Only $1.
00:32:56Actual live weight guessing.
00:32:58Take a chance and win some crap.
00:33:00Step right up.
00:33:01(male announcer) Ladies and gentlemen, I draw your attention now
00:33:06to the left side of our midway,
00:33:08presenting the amazing Patty Bernstein
00:33:14doing her special ride through the Flaming Wall of Death.
00:33:19[People cheering]
00:33:50[Crowd whistling]
00:33:53[Belching]
00:34:25Wanna guess my weight, greenie?
00:34:27I saw you last night. You were great.
00:34:30Yeah, right.
00:34:31Turn around.
00:34:33What?
00:34:34Turn around.
00:34:38Go like this.
00:34:43You're okay.
00:34:45Give me a bite of that corn dog.
00:34:48What about germs?
00:34:50Put a rubber on it.
00:34:55Get on.
00:35:03(Frosty) Don't you wear him out.
00:35:04He's got to work tonight.
00:35:12What a great place.
00:35:15[Burping]
00:35:17You know, you can tell so much about a person
00:35:20from the way they live.
00:35:21Just looking around here,
00:35:22I can tell you're a genuinely dirty person.
00:35:30What do I do with this?
00:35:35Oh, you keep it there.
00:35:39[Sighing]
00:35:41Where's your garbage?
00:35:51Do you know what I'd like to do?
00:35:53What?
00:35:55Guess your weight.
00:35:57Hey, that would be interesting for me.
00:35:59No one has tried to guess my weight.
00:36:01You see, I guess their weights. It'd be sort...
00:36:03Put your arms up.
00:36:07This will give me a whole different perspective on this.
00:36:15(Navin) Hey, you're really trying to be accurate.
00:36:23Is it getting hot in here?
00:36:26[Gasping]
00:36:27Wait a minute!
00:36:28What's happening to my special purpose?
00:36:31What's your "special purpose"?
00:36:32Well, when I was a kid,
00:36:33my mom told me that was my special purpose
00:36:36and someday I'd find out what that special purpose was.
00:36:39Today's the day!
00:36:40[Panting]
00:36:44[Navin panting]
00:36:45Hey, this is like a... a ride.
00:36:48[Both laughing]
00:36:50"My Dear Family, guess what?
00:36:54"Today I found out what my special purpose is for.
00:37:01"Gosh, what a great time I had.
00:37:05"I wish the whole family could have been here with me.
00:37:09"Maybe some other time
00:37:12"as I intend to do this a lot
00:37:16"every chance I get.
00:37:19"I think next week I'll be able to send more money
00:37:22"as I may have extra work.
00:37:25"My friend Patty promised me a blowjob.
00:37:29Your lovin' son, Navin."
00:37:31And he's got the kisses here.
00:37:36That Patty must be a sweet girl.
00:37:38God bless her.
00:37:40[Coughing]
00:37:54[Growling]
00:38:07(Navin) Do you ever think we'll get to know each other
00:38:09well enough to kiss?
00:38:11(Patty) We don't have to. You're my man.
00:38:14It's like we're married. Look at my ass.
00:38:18Gosh!
00:38:19You have my last name tattooed right there under the "J's."
00:38:24First I get my name in the phone book,
00:38:26and now I'm on your ass.
00:38:28You know, I'll bet more people see that than the phone book.
00:38:35[Whistle blowing]
00:38:41[Hissing]
00:38:46End of the line. This is Engineer Fred.
00:38:48Come back and visit me again.
00:38:55(woman) Billy.
00:38:59Billy.
00:39:01Woo-woo!
00:39:03Have you seen a 5-year-old boy, blond hair,
00:39:05and he's wearing a T-shirt that says "Bullshit" on it?
00:39:08No. There was just one kid earlier,
00:39:10had a T-shirt that said "Life sucks" on it.
00:39:12We got off the roundup and he said
00:39:14he wanted to go on the trains.
00:39:16Well, I don't think... There he is. Billy!
00:39:18(Navin) Hey, come back here!
00:39:19Billy, come on off that train!
00:39:21Pull that lever! Pull the lever! Here, hold that.
00:39:23And these.
00:39:24Billy!
00:39:26And take my keys. And hold my wallet.
00:39:30Okay.
00:39:31Don't touch the Johnson bar.
00:39:33You'll explode the fuel casing.
00:39:34And if the Wilson-Smith indicator gets above 160,
00:39:37just turn that little...
00:39:38Billy, I can't take you anywhere anymore!
00:39:41There's a little screwdriver there.
00:39:42Just put it in, turn it one-quarter.
00:39:44We're going into the tunnel.
00:39:46Don't stand up because the clearance is only four foot...
00:39:49Oh, no!
00:39:50I'm okay. I was protected by the bill of my Engineer Fred cap.
00:40:07[Panting]
00:40:09Thanks for pulling my cap down.
00:40:14Oh, Billy.
00:40:15Billy, you scared me half to death.
00:40:18Thank you so much.
00:40:19It would have been so embarrassing to go home without Billy.
00:40:23Oh, here's your gloves and your oil can
00:40:26and your wallet. Oh, and this fell out.
00:40:30[Exclaiming]
00:40:33Those guys.
00:40:35Listen, what you did just now was very brave.
00:40:40Is there some way I could repay you?
00:40:42Repay me?
00:40:44I could never accept anything from you
00:40:46for saving your child.
00:40:47Oh, he's not my child.
00:40:49I'm just babysitting for a friend.
00:40:52Oh! Would it be too much if I asked for a kiss?
00:40:54No.
00:40:59He's a real little dickens.
00:41:09Thank you.
00:41:16Oh, Miss?
00:41:18I was... I was just standing here right now and
00:41:21I was wondering if you weren't doing anything tomorrow
00:41:27that maybe you might wanna go out or...
00:41:32What?
00:41:34[Babbling] I thought maybe you might wanna go out with me.
00:41:40Are you trying to ask me for a date?
00:41:43Well...
00:41:45Once for no, twice for yes.
00:41:52Okay.
00:41:54Um, you're so cute.
00:41:57How about 3:30 tomorrow at the roundup?
00:42:00Okay.
00:42:05Do you have any boyfriends?
00:42:08Not really.
00:42:10Are they crazy?
00:42:11If I was a fella, I'd be around all the time.
00:42:14Well, see if you can work it out.
00:42:17We have a date tomorrow.
00:42:20What's your name?
00:42:23Marie.
00:42:26What's yours?
00:42:27I'll tell you tomorrow.
00:42:28It'll give us something interesting to talk about.
00:42:49Hi.
00:42:50What's up, hubby?
00:42:54I got these for you.
00:42:58Thanks.
00:43:00Navin, you know the other day when I showed you the tattoo?
00:43:04Yeah. Yeah.
00:43:06Well, I forgot to tell you somethin'.
00:43:08Oh, really? What?
00:43:09This.
00:43:17And that's what's gonna happen to you
00:43:19if I ever catch you looking at another broad.
00:43:22I'm glad you told me.
00:43:23And remember, I did this without anger.
00:43:28And I stayed away from your crotch.
00:43:32Bye, sweetie.
00:43:36Hi.
00:43:38What happened?
00:43:39Oh, it was unbelievable. These guys jumped me.
00:43:42Tried to get these flowers.
00:43:44I got 'em for you.
00:43:45It's kind of a traditional date deal.
00:43:48Yeah, I've heard of that. What were they?
00:43:52Uh, couple of dozen roses.
00:43:56Look like daisy stems.
00:43:57What?
00:43:59That guy gypped me.
00:44:01He put... put daisy stems on my roses.
00:44:03[Laughing]
00:44:05Hey, look, these hoodlums are dangerous.
00:44:07I think we ought to get out of here before she sees us.
00:44:10She?
00:44:12What?
00:44:13You said "she."
00:44:14No. No. I always call a gang "she."
00:44:17It's like when you call a boat "she,"
00:44:19or... or a hurricane "she."
00:44:21Or a girl?
00:44:23A girl. You can call a girl "she."
00:44:25That's just one of the many things you can call "she."
00:44:29[Men chattering]
00:44:30(Marie) Why are you smiling?
00:44:33(Navin) You're the first person I've ever had in my place.
00:44:36Do you live here? Oh, it's nice.
00:44:39So, did you decorate it?
00:44:41I got all this stuff from the old Cup O' Pizza place
00:44:43before they tore it down.
00:44:48That was really good pizza.
00:44:50Oh, this is the best pizza in a cup ever.
00:44:52This guy's unbelievable.
00:44:54He ran the old Cup O' Pizza guy out of business.
00:44:56Really?
00:44:57People come from all over to get this. Uh-huh.
00:45:02[Sighing]
00:45:13You know, you have beautiful skin.
00:45:19May I?
00:45:21Yes.
00:45:27So smooth and flexible.
00:45:30I take after my mother's side of the family.
00:45:33It's amazing the way it just snaps back like that. Amazing.
00:45:38Are you a model?
00:45:40No.
00:45:43I'm a cosmetologist.
00:45:46Really? A cosmetologist?
00:45:49That's unbelievable. That's impressive.
00:45:54It must be tough to handle the weightlessness.
00:45:59Can I ask you a personal question?
00:46:02What is it?
00:46:05Now be totally honest.
00:46:09You do have a boyfriend, don't you?
00:46:11Kind of.
00:46:15I know this is our first date
00:46:19but do you think
00:46:21the next time you make love to your boyfriend,
00:46:25you could think of me?
00:46:27Well, I haven't made love to him yet.
00:46:29That's too bad.
00:46:32Do you think it's possible that some day
00:46:37you could make love with me and think of him?
00:46:39Who knows?
00:46:41Maybe you and he can make love and you could think of me.
00:46:46I'd just be happy to be in there somewhere.
00:47:05Do you have a girlfriend?
00:47:07Does it matter?
00:47:08Well, I'd like to think you were available.
00:47:11Oh, I'm available.
00:47:24Did you forget about my ass?
00:47:26No! No, I've been thinking about it.
00:47:28She tattooed my name on her ass.
00:47:30Not just my name, a lot of names.
00:47:33And funny sayings, too.
00:47:34She's got one up there that says, "Slippery when wet."
00:47:37How do you know that?
00:47:38What is she? Some great piece of ass?
00:47:40She's no great piece of ass.
00:47:43I mean, uh...
00:47:44Hey, wait... wait a minute. Wait a minute.
00:47:47We're all adults here. Let's reason this out.
00:47:50Now Marie is the type of person that if you gotta...
00:47:52If this gash doesn't get her buns out of here,
00:47:55I am gonna drive this bike up her butt!
00:47:57While Patty tends to be more direct.
00:47:59As for you, farm boy,
00:48:01[grunts]
00:48:02We're married!
00:48:04And as for you, kewpie doll...
00:48:09You protected me!
00:48:10You must really like me.
00:48:18(Navin and Marie) I know, I know, you belong
00:48:23To somebody new
00:48:29But tonight
00:48:31You belong to me
00:48:39Although, although we're apart
00:48:44You're a part of my heart
00:48:50And tonight
00:48:52You belong to me
00:49:00Way down
00:49:03By the stream
00:49:06How sweet
00:49:08It will seem
00:49:11Once more, just to dream
00:49:16In the moonlight
00:49:20My Honey, I know, I know
00:49:24With the dawn
00:49:27That you
00:49:30Will be gone
00:49:32But tonight
00:49:35You belong to me
00:49:39Just to little old me
00:49:43[playing]
00:50:13You know,
00:50:16while you were playing that just now,
00:50:18[waves breaking]
00:50:19I had the craziest fantasy that I could
00:50:23rise up.
00:50:25Float right down the end of this cornet.
00:50:30Right through here.
00:50:32Through these valves,
00:50:34right along this tube,
00:50:37come right up against your lips,
00:50:40and give you a kiss.
00:50:45Why didn't you?
00:50:47I didn't want to get spit on me.
00:51:23[Grunting]
00:51:36[Both panting]
00:51:42Was it good for you, too?
00:51:48I really do want to kiss you.
00:51:52But I'm afraid.
00:51:55I would've kept my tongue in.
00:51:56No, I mean,
00:52:01I'm afraid if I kiss you,
00:52:05I'll fall in love with you.
00:52:08You will?
00:52:10And I don't want to.
00:52:13You don't?
00:52:16My mother sacrificed everything
00:52:18to send me through cosmetology school.
00:52:21She did?
00:52:24She has this dream for me to be something.
00:52:27She does?
00:52:30To marry someone with power,
00:52:34money, vision.
00:52:37Someone with a special purpose.
00:52:43I've got one!
00:52:45I've got a special purpose!
00:52:48You do?
00:52:49[Exclaiming] Yes, it's fantastic!
00:52:51It's great! It's unbelievable!
00:52:54And I was afraid to tell you about it!
00:52:56Your mother's gonna love me!
00:53:01Marie, are you awake?
00:53:06Good.
00:53:09You look so beautiful and peaceful,
00:53:11you almost look dead.
00:53:16And I'm glad because
00:53:18there's something I wanna say that's always been very difficult
00:53:21for me to say.
00:53:24I slit the sheet, the sheet I slit,
00:53:25and on the slitted sheet I sit.
00:53:30I've never been relaxed enough
00:53:32around anyone to be able to say that.
00:53:35You give me confidence in myself.
00:53:39I know we've only known each other
00:53:41for four weeks and three days,
00:53:43but to me
00:53:45it seems like nine weeks and five days.
00:53:49The first day seemed like a week.
00:53:52And the second day seemed like five days.
00:53:56And the third day seemed like a week again.
00:53:59And the fourth day seemed like eight days.
00:54:03But the fifth day, you went to see your mother.
00:54:07And that seemed just like a day.
00:54:10But then you came back and later
00:54:13on the sixth day, in the evening, when we saw each other,
00:54:16that started seeming like two days.
00:54:21So in the evening, it seemed like
00:54:22two days spilling over into the next day.
00:54:24And that started seeming like four days.
00:54:27So at the end of the sixth day,
00:54:29on into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days.
00:54:34And the sixth day seemed like
00:54:38a week and a half.
00:54:41I have it written down
00:54:42but I can... I can show it to you tomorrow if you wanna see it.
00:54:46Anyway, I've decided that tomorrow,
00:54:51when the time is right,
00:54:54I'm gonna ask you to marry me.
00:54:58If that's okay with you.
00:55:01Just don't say anything.
00:55:07You've made me very happy.
00:55:18Oh, I'll see you again
00:55:22Whenever spring breaks through again
00:55:27(Navin) Honey, sing!
00:55:31Time may lie heavy between
00:55:35But what has been
00:55:37Is past forgetting
00:55:41This sweet memory
00:55:45Across the years, will come
00:55:48[Marie playing cornet]
00:55:50To me
00:55:52Though my world
00:55:54May go awry
00:55:57In my heart
00:56:00Will ever lie
00:56:02Just the echo of a sigh
00:56:11Goodbye
00:56:13(Navin) Honey, who's the happiest guy in the world?
00:56:18You are.
00:56:20That's right.
00:56:22And who's the happiest gal?
00:56:25[Shithead yelping]
00:56:26That's right.
00:56:28(Navin) Honey, guess what?
00:56:30I wrote a song for you this morning.
00:56:32Oh, I'm picking out a thermos for you
00:56:37Not an ordinary thermos for you
00:56:41But the extra-best thermos you can buy
00:56:45With vinyl and stripes and a cup built right in
00:56:48I'm picking out a thermos for you
00:56:52And maybe a barometer, too
00:56:56And what else can I buy so on me you'll rely
00:57:00A rear-end thermometer, too
00:57:02(Navin) Honey?
00:57:04There's a question I've been wanting to pop,
00:57:07but I've been afraid you'd say no.
00:57:09But this seems like the right time and place.
00:57:12So here goes.
00:57:15Honey, will you marry me?
00:57:18[Barking]
00:57:19Yahoo!
00:57:21Come on, let's seal it with a kiss!
00:57:24Get in the tub with me!
00:57:27Not you, Shithead! Where's Marie?
00:57:30[Shithead barking]
00:57:31What letter?
00:57:40"Dear Navin."
00:57:42[Gibbering]
00:57:48...to tell...
00:57:52...to be...
00:57:54[gibbering]
00:57:59Marie! Marie!
00:58:01[Shithead barking] (Navin) Shithead, come here.
00:58:04Good idea.
00:58:05Marie! Marie, why did you leave me?
00:58:08I couldn't read the letter. It was too blurry.
00:58:11Marie! Marie!
00:58:13[Growling] Here, boy.
00:58:15Marie! Marie!
00:58:21Where are you, Marie?
00:58:27Marie! Marie!
00:58:40This is not gonna be easy, Shithead.
00:58:43We've been together a long time.
00:58:46But I gotta head down that road.
00:58:50And there'll be times out there
00:58:52when there won't be enough food for two.
00:58:55And I won't be able to...
00:58:56Hey, wait a minute!
00:58:58I-I'm not done yet!
00:59:00Come back. I'm not finished.
00:59:02I have some more to tell you.
00:59:07You'll find a family who can give you a real home,
00:59:09with loving kids and a warm fireplace.
00:59:13I never liked you, anyway.
00:59:15Now get out of here!
00:59:18Okay! Okay! You win. You can go with me.
00:59:25(Navin) So, Mom,
00:59:26with my faithful dog leading the way,
00:59:29I'm out to win the hand of Marie.
00:59:32You'd love her, Ma. She looks just like you.
00:59:35Except she's white and blond.
00:59:38So, to win her back, I vowed to make something of myself.
00:59:41I settled in Los Angeles and took the money I saved
00:59:44and rented my first apartment.
00:59:46"I haven't heard from Marie.
00:59:48[Hen clucking]
00:59:49"Things couldn't be worse.
00:59:51I can only send you 49 cents this week..."
00:59:53Oh, bless his heart.
00:59:55That's a good boy.
00:59:56"...as I've lost all my jobs.
00:59:59"I've been eating well, though.
01:00:01"The hospital gives out free meals of orange juice and cookies.
01:00:04"And all I have to do is give them a pint of blood.
01:00:07I ate there all week. Three times a day."
01:00:10A pint of blood?
01:00:11"I decided to quit
01:00:13"when I cut myself shaving and nothing came out but air.
01:00:18"I have to go now as someone is staring at me through binoculars.
01:00:22Your loving son, Navin."
01:00:28It's him.
01:00:36Him?
01:00:42What's him doing here?
01:00:45Shithead! Shithead!
01:00:47Attack! Attack! Attack!
01:00:50[Growling]
01:00:51Not me!
01:00:54Get off, Shithead!
01:00:58[Screaming]
01:01:00(madman) You son of a bitch.
01:01:01[Screaming]
01:01:45[Panting]
01:01:55You're gonna have to sign for this.
01:01:59I have to sign before you shoot me?
01:02:02I'm not gonna shoot you.
01:02:05Why not?
01:02:06That was the old me.
01:02:08I was a little mixed-up at that time.
01:02:10Had a bad marriage and I just gave up smoking.
01:02:14I'm okay now.
01:02:17I'm a private detective.
01:02:26So long.
01:02:28(Navin) Thank you.
01:02:37"Dear Mr. Johnson.
01:02:40"Please call on me in Suite
01:02:44"2655 at the Century Plaza Tower
01:02:48"in Los Angeles.
01:02:50"I have something of great importance
01:02:54to impart to you."
01:02:56Navin! Remember me?
01:03:00No, but don't feel bad.
01:03:02Fox.
01:03:04(Stan) Stan Fox!
01:03:06Remember the gas station?
01:03:09Boy, you are one hard guy to find!
01:03:15You don't remember me.
01:03:19The glasses handle! Look!
01:03:23Oh, yeah.
01:03:25My glasses handle.
01:03:26Use the Opti-Grab.
01:03:28Opti-Grab?
01:03:30Yeah, we call it Opti-Grab.
01:03:31Opti-Grab.
01:03:32"Opti," from the eye
01:03:34and "Grab," from where you grab it.
01:03:37Opti-Grabbing it.
01:03:39(Stan) Navin, my boy, we're in business.
01:03:42Fifty-fifty. Just like we said.
01:03:44Right in here, I have your first check
01:03:48for 250 big ones.
01:03:51$250?
01:03:53That's just the beginning. There's gonna be more. Lots more!
01:03:57Can I cash this? Sure.
01:03:59You can do whatever you like. It's your money. It's a cashier's check.
01:04:02Wow!
01:04:03I can use money.
01:04:05(Navin) Yes, I have a cashier's check
01:04:09and I'd like to cash it.
01:04:10How much is it for?
01:04:12250 big ones.
01:04:21250 dollarinies.
01:04:27(Navin) That's 250 doughnuts.
01:04:31[Typewriters clacking]
01:04:33You wanna cash this?
01:04:35Well, I could take 50 of the doughnuts
01:04:38and deposit the other 200 beauties.
01:04:41Have a seat, Mr., uh,
01:04:42Johnson.
01:04:46I will need two pieces of identification.
01:04:48Ah, yes. I have my
01:04:51temporary driver's license.
01:04:54And my Astronaut Application form.
01:05:00I didn't pass that, though. I failed everything but the "Date of Birth."
01:05:04I didn't get the job.
01:05:06Everything's in order.
01:05:07If you'll, uh, just endorse this, right there.
01:05:10I need a pen.
01:05:11Pen. Okay.
01:05:12Right here. Thank you.
01:05:14And, uh, fill out this, uh, deposit slip right there.
01:05:18All right.
01:05:20The endorsing and filling out of the deposit slip.
01:05:24Two hundred and fifty...
01:05:28thousand...
01:05:42"Dear Harry. Guess what?
01:05:45"I'm rich beyond my wildest dreams.
01:05:48"But I haven't forgotten our deal.
01:05:50"Here's that postcard I promised you.
01:05:51"I'll bet you thought you'd never get it, huh?
01:05:54Your friend forever, Navin."
01:05:57How do you like that?
01:05:59He promised me a postcard and he sent me a postcard.
01:06:02The kid has integrity.
01:06:22(Navin) Shithead, come on.
01:06:27[Phone ringing]
01:06:39Yello. Yes.
01:06:42Who?
01:06:44Mrs. Kimball?
01:06:47You're Marie's mom!
01:06:49Read about me in the paper?
01:06:52I've been trying to contact her. I don't know where she is.
01:06:54I'd give anything to find out.
01:06:58That sounds a little high.
01:07:00How about $75?
01:07:03Okay.
01:07:04Okay. What is it?
01:07:06The May Company in Los Angeles.
01:07:08(Navin) Shithead! I know where she is!
01:07:10I know where she is!
01:07:12(Marie) Doesn't that feel good?
01:07:14Mmm-hmm.
01:07:17(Marie) There. Now, we are complete.
01:07:22Putting on Mask-O Derm just took a few short minutes
01:07:25and when we peel it off, he will look 20 years younger.
01:07:27Allevei.
01:07:29Yes, exactly.
01:07:31Now we'll let this dry.
01:07:32In the meantime, we can go pick out
01:07:34an eye shadow and lip tint for him.
01:07:36Now everyone just follow me this way
01:07:38because this is a very interesting line.
01:07:41I think you'll enjoy this.
01:07:42With your husband's coloring,
01:07:44a deep tone would bring out his lips.
01:07:47And this Nature Beige will feature his eyes just wonderfully.
01:07:51(Tillie) Let's try everything.
01:07:56What?
01:07:58Ah!
01:07:59Let's go unmask Irving.
01:08:01Everyone, back this way.
01:08:04We are now going to peel off our Mask-O Derm.
01:08:07Irving's skin will be tighter, firmer,
01:08:09and he'll look like a different man.
01:08:12You'll be amazed.
01:08:14Get ready, Irving.
01:08:28[Crowd gasping]
01:08:30Jeez! This shit really worked.
01:08:37Navin.
01:08:41Oh, my sweetheart.
01:08:42[All gasping]
01:08:43What are you doing to my husband, you Miss Blondie? Irving!
01:08:47Irving, are you crazy?
01:08:48(Navin) "Dear Mom.
01:08:50"The big news is, Marie and I were married.
01:08:52"We couldn't wait.
01:08:53"Luckily, we found someone at the Hollywood View Apartments,
01:08:56"who could marry us immediately.
01:08:59"He was a certified priest.
01:09:01[Exclaims]
01:09:04"We were both glad we had a religious wedding.
01:09:07"Money hasn't changed our lives that much.
01:09:10"Our one little extravagance is
01:09:11a live-in butler and housekeeper."
01:09:13Another check!
01:09:15[Chuckles]
01:09:16Just as I thought. Look at that.
01:09:18Nearly $750,000.
01:09:21Sir, it would seem with this kind of income, you could buy a larger house
01:09:24with proper servants' quarters.
01:09:26(Navin) "Mom, remember my dream of owning
01:09:29"a big house on a hill?
01:09:30"How I used to wish for a living room
01:09:33"with a plaster lion in it from Mexico?
01:09:35"And how I always wanted a large 24-seat dining table?
01:09:39"In a dining room with original oil paintings
01:09:42"by Michelangelo and Rembrandt?
01:09:45"And remember how I always wanted a rotating bed
01:09:48"with pink chiffon and zebra stripes?
01:09:50"And remember how I used to chitchat with Dad
01:09:53"about always wanting a bathtub shaped like a clam?
01:09:57"And an office with orange and white stripes?
01:10:00"And remember how much I wanted
01:10:01"an all-red billiard room with a giant stuffed camel?
01:10:05"And how I wanted a disco room with my own disco dancers?
01:10:09"And a party room with fancy friends?
01:10:12"And remember how much I wanted
01:10:14"a big back yard with Grecian statues
01:10:16"S-shaped hedges and three swimming pools?
01:10:19"Well, I got that, too.
01:10:24"Marie and I are getting along swell.
01:10:26"But I've got a lot to learn about handling my money and banks.
01:10:30"You have to be careful.
01:10:34"Poor Hobart.
01:10:36"His dear wife Hester took some money
01:10:37"out of her savings account and had to pay a substantial penalty
01:10:41"for early withdrawal.
01:10:47Enclosed is this week's check. Love, Navin."
01:10:51Sorry about your wife, Hobart.
01:10:53Federal regulations, sir.
01:10:56Oh, dear me.
01:10:58Your wife has given you
01:11:00another gold chain.
01:11:03I'd nearly forgotten.
01:11:05[Sighing] I suppose, I'm still not quite over Hester's death.
01:11:09Well, these things take time.
01:11:10Yes.
01:11:11So I'm told. Oh, here's your drink, sir.
01:11:15Like the one you saw in the magazine.
01:11:17You got the bamboo umbrella and everything.
01:11:23See that? Be somebody.
01:11:28Very good, sir. Very good.
01:11:33Oh, uh,
01:11:34there are some charity people here to see you, sir.
01:11:37No! Send them away!
01:11:40There's a lot of people more deserving than me.
01:11:43Ah, but these people want you to give.
01:11:47Oh.
01:11:50Okay.
01:11:51My name is Father Carlos Las Vegas De Cordoba.
01:11:56Father, you seem like a religious man.
01:11:59How can I help you?
01:12:00By giving me three minutes of your time
01:12:03so that you can see some film
01:12:04of a great ugliness that is spreading in my country.
01:12:08Oh, God. I'll bet it's disgusting.
01:12:12Hobart?
01:12:13Yes, sir?
01:12:14Are you over your grief enough yet to dim the lights?
01:12:17[Chuckling] Of course, sir.
01:12:18Well, one can't mourn forever.
01:12:21You will not believe what you are about to see.
01:12:24That human beings could have sunk so low
01:12:27that they can take pleasure to do this
01:12:29to another of God's creatures.
01:12:31I hope you have a strong stomach, senor.
01:12:34Roll the ugliness.
01:12:36[Men yelling]
01:12:46[All cheering]
01:12:58[Kittens purring]
01:13:15Good Lord.
01:13:16I've heard about this cat juggling.
01:13:20[Men hooting]
01:13:37Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
01:13:43Good.
01:13:45Father, could there be a God that would let this happen?
01:13:50How much do you want?
01:13:52(man) If your initial investment is $500,000,
01:13:56and your apartments are up in March,
01:13:59you should have "X" amount of dollars
01:14:01rolling in by the end of this year.
01:14:03(Navin) Ah! "X" amount. That's very good, isn't it?
01:14:06(Man #2) Not only that, you can depreciate
01:14:08the entire building for the full amount.
01:14:10(Navin) Depreciate? Very good. Hmm. I like that.
01:14:14We found a way to get around this Fair Housing crap.
01:14:16Ah! Good. Getting around the crap. That's good.
01:14:20By keeping the rents high, we're going to appeal to a select class of people.
01:14:23Select class. Very, very good.
01:14:27We'll keep the eggplants out.
01:14:29Ah, good. We don't want any vegetables.
01:14:31No, no. The jungle bunnies.
01:14:34Of course. They'll eat the vegetables.
01:14:37Boss? Can I... can I talk to him?
01:14:40We're gonna keep out the niggers.
01:14:42The what?
01:14:44The niggers. We'll keep 'em out.
01:14:46Yeah.
01:14:47Sir, you are talking to a nigger!
01:14:54[Screaming]
01:14:56[Grunting]
01:15:13[Groaning]
01:15:30[Screaming]
01:15:34[Groaning]
01:15:38(Marie) Don't be so hard on yourself.
01:15:41How could you know that was Iron Balls McGinty?
01:15:44Your escargots. Salad.
01:15:46[People chattering]
01:15:48Would monsieur care for another bottle of the Chateau Latour?
01:15:51Ah, yes, but no more 1966. Let's splurge.
01:15:55Bring us some fresh wine.
01:15:56The freshest you've got.
01:15:58This year's. No more of this old stuff.
01:16:01Oui, monsieur.
01:16:03He doesn't realize he's dealing with sophisticated people here.
01:16:08Marie, now just stay calm. Stay calm.
01:16:10(Navin) Just don't look down.
01:16:11Don't look down! Look up!
01:16:13Just keep your eyes up and keep them that way, okay? Waiter!
01:16:19There are snails on her plate.
01:16:21[Squealing]
01:16:24Now get them out of here before she sees them.
01:16:26Look away! Just look away! And keep your eyes that way!
01:16:30You'd think at a fancy restaurant like this, at these prices,
01:16:32you would be able to keep the snails off the food!
01:16:36There're so many snails in there, you can't even see the food!
01:16:39Now take them away and bring me
01:16:40those melted cheese sandwich appetizers you talked me out of!
01:16:43Oui, monsieur.
01:16:45Do you believe this?
01:16:47First, they didn't have the bamboo umbrellas for the wine
01:16:49and now snails on the food.
01:16:51(Navin) Two boobs! That's what he takes us for!
01:16:55[Honking]
01:17:06Hi, honey.
01:17:07Hi, doll face.
01:17:08Everything okay?
01:17:09Remember how you told me to take unnecessary lessons?
01:17:14Well, I just took a lesson.
01:17:16And a very good student, too.
01:17:17Adios, senora. Adios.
01:17:19You took bullfighting?
01:17:21No. Knife-throwing.
01:17:25(Navin) Knife-throwing is great!
01:17:26I can almost do it.
01:17:28Well, let me see your stuff.
01:17:30Okay.
01:17:32This is very good for a beginner.
01:17:37This is exciting. I love this!
01:17:40Come on.
01:17:43(Marie) Turn sideways. Okay.
01:17:45And put a balloon in your mouth.
01:17:48Do you have a balloon?
01:17:50Uh, no.
01:17:52Oh, wait. Yes.
01:17:54(Marie) Okay.
01:17:57Is it in your mouth?
01:17:58Uh-huh!
01:17:59Throw 'em good and hard so they'll stick.
01:18:03Okay.
01:18:07One,
01:18:09two,
01:18:12three!
01:18:14Four, five, six!
01:18:18Oh!
01:18:20I missed.
01:18:22Honey, you did good.
01:18:24I can't do anything right.
01:18:27Honey, you worry too much.
01:18:31Come on. Let's flop this over and look at it another way.
01:18:35Why, do you realize in the past two short months,
01:18:38we have acquired the sophistication
01:18:41it takes some people a lifetime to acquire?
01:18:44Come on!
01:18:46Let's toast!
01:18:49[People chattering]
01:18:59[Crowd cheering]
01:19:45(woman) Everybody, Navin's on TV. Marie, it's Navin!
01:19:49Oh, honey, here's that interview you did on TV.
01:19:52Shut off the music! Shut it off! Shut off the music!
01:19:55Everyone, we're going to watch Navin on the TV.
01:19:58Now, sit down. Just sit on the floor. Sit around.
01:20:01(Clete Roberts) American Time Newsmagazine,
01:20:03turns its probing eye on Navin Johnson,
01:20:06inventor of the Opti-Grab.
01:20:08That little glasses handle that sold
01:20:1010 million units in a few short months.
01:20:13(Clete Roberts) Mr. Johnson, you've become a millionaire overnight.
01:20:17Who are you?
01:20:19Who is Navin Johnson?
01:20:22Navin is a complex personality,
01:20:24as are most of the small breed
01:20:27of modern-day Renaissance millionaires.
01:20:30(Clete Roberts) We had planned to show you the entire Johnson interview.
01:20:33However, when we returned to our studio,
01:20:35our news department informed us
01:20:37of a sensational development in the Johnson story.
01:20:41It seems that an irate group of citizens
01:20:43led by the celebrity Mr. Carl Reiner,
01:20:46has filed a class-action suit against Mr. Johnson
01:20:49and his Opti-Grab.
01:20:51Here's what Mr. Reiner had to say at a press conference.
01:20:54When Opti-Grab came out, I thought it was the greatest thing ever.
01:20:57And I bought a pair.
01:20:59And this is the result.
01:21:01[All gasping]
01:21:03(Carl) This little handle is like a magnet.
01:21:04Your eyes are constantly drawn to it and you end up cockeyed.
01:21:09Now, as a director, I am constantly using my eyes.
01:21:13And this Opti-Grab device has caused
01:21:15irreparable harm to my career.
01:21:17Let me show you a clip from my latest film,
01:21:19where my faulty depth perception kept me
01:21:22from yelling "cut" at the proper time.
01:21:27(Carl) Cut!
01:21:38(Carl) If I had yelled "cut" on time,
01:21:40those actors would be alive today.
01:21:43That's why I'm spearheading the $10-million class-action suit
01:21:47against Mr. Johnson and his irresponsible selling of a product,
01:21:51he didn't even test on prisoners.
01:21:54Thank you.
01:21:56(woman) The party's over. Nouveau riche.
01:21:58You know what I mean?
01:22:00What is this? Hey, wait a second. Where are you going?
01:22:02(man) This guy's something else.
01:22:04I'm gonna get in touch with that Reiner guy.
01:22:07I got some... I got some change upstairs.
01:22:10We'll get some, uh, potato chips and there's some beer up there.
01:22:13We'll make it a less formal thing.
01:22:16[Crowd chattering]
01:22:17(man) Let's find another party.
01:22:22Honey! Why the gloom?
01:22:25It's not the end of the rainbow.
01:22:29I'm Navin Johnson, inventor!
01:22:31This is no big deal. It's a parking ticket to me.
01:22:34Only instead of $5, it's $10,000,000.
01:22:39I don't care about losing all the money.
01:22:42It's losing all the stuff.
01:22:46We're not gonna lose the stuff.
01:22:48[Chuckling]
01:22:50This is America!
01:22:51We're gonna receive a fair trial from an impartial jury.
01:22:56[Mallet pounding]
01:22:57Your Honor, we, the jury, find for the plaintiff.
01:23:00[People applauding]
01:23:06I award, to Mr. Reiner
01:23:09and the other nine million
01:23:11nine hundred and 87 thousand
01:23:14six hundred and 52 plaintiffs,
01:23:17the full amount of the suit.
01:23:21Court is adjourned!
01:23:23[People applauding]
01:23:29Navin.
01:23:31Honey, can't you see I'm drinking?
01:23:39Pay to the order of
01:23:43Mrs. Wilbur Stark
01:23:46$1.09!
01:24:05Pay to the order of
01:24:08Iron Balls McGinty
01:24:13$1.09!
01:24:17Why are you crying?
01:24:18And why are you wearing that old dress?
01:24:21Because I just heard a song on the radio
01:24:23that reminded me of the way we were.
01:24:25What was it?
01:24:27The Way We Were.
01:24:29[Sniffling] Look at us. We've hit bottom.
01:24:31No! Maybe you've hit bottom, but I haven't hit bottom yet!
01:24:36I've got a ways to go!
01:24:39And I'm gonna bounce back!
01:24:40And when I do,
01:24:42I'm gonna buy you a diamond so big
01:24:46it's gonna make you puke.
01:24:49I don't wanna puke!
01:24:51I don't want wealth!
01:24:53I just want you like you used to be.
01:24:56What happened to that man?
01:24:58Me?
01:25:00What happened to the girl I believed in?
01:25:04The girl I fell in love with.
01:25:06The girl that believed in me.
01:25:09There's plenty of places I can go,
01:25:12where people believe in me.
01:25:14Well, go!
01:25:15The sooner you're out of my life,
01:25:17the sooner I can go back to being the girl
01:25:19in this little flowered dress
01:25:21that you sang the thermos song to.
01:25:26Well, I'm gonna go, then!
01:25:29And I don't need any of this! I don't need this stuff!
01:25:32And I don't need you! I don't need anything!
01:25:37Except this.
01:25:39This ashtray. The only thing I need is this!
01:25:43I don't need this or this. Just this ashtray!
01:25:48And this paddle game.
01:25:51The ashtray and the paddle game. And that's all I need!
01:25:55And this remote control.
01:25:58The ashtray, the paddle game, and the remote control.
01:26:00And that's all I need!
01:26:04And these matches.
01:26:07The ashtray and these matches
01:26:10and the remote control and the paddle ball.
01:26:14This lamp.
01:26:18The ashtray,
01:26:21this paddle game and the remote control,
01:26:25and the lamp. And that's all I need.
01:26:28[Crying]
01:26:30And that's all I need, too.
01:26:33I don't need one other thing!
01:26:36Not one... I need this.
01:26:40The paddle game and the chair,
01:26:43and the remote control and the matches, for sure!
01:26:49(Navin) Wh-what are you looking at?
01:26:52What do you think I am? Some kind of a jerk or something?
01:26:56[Sobbing]
01:27:02And this.
01:27:05That's all I need.
01:27:08The ashtray,
01:27:10the remote control and this paddle game,
01:27:13and this magazine and the chair.
01:27:16[Sobbing]
01:27:22And I don't need one other thing.
01:27:24Except my dog.
01:27:26[Growling]
01:27:29I don't need my dog.
01:28:39(Navin) So, that's it.
01:28:42It's an old story.
01:28:44One you've probably heard before.
01:28:47[Cars honking]
01:28:49But I never thought it would happen to me.
01:28:54[Sighing]
01:29:03[Car honking]
01:29:05(Taj) Hey! Any of you bums ever heard of Navin R. Johnson?
01:29:11I've heard of him.
01:29:13Born in Mississippi?
01:29:15Uh-huh!
01:29:16Inventor of the Opti-Grab?
01:29:19I was just telling these guys.
01:29:23Son!
01:29:26Daddy!
01:29:29Navin.
01:29:30Mom!
01:29:31My baby!
01:29:34Navin. Elvira!
01:29:35I knew we'd find you.
01:29:38Taj! Don't kiss me.
01:29:40[All laughing]
01:29:46I called them the night you left.
01:29:48How did you find me?
01:29:50I don't know.
01:29:51This is the first place we looked.
01:29:52We're takin' you home and you're gonna live with us.
01:29:55Turns out, Dad's a financial genius.
01:29:58All I did was take the money you sent home
01:30:01and embarked on a periodic investment,
01:30:03in a no-load mutual fund.
01:30:05He leveraged his ass deep into soy beans and cocoa futures.
01:30:09Right on!
01:30:12I picked out this thermos for you.
01:30:19I'd kiss you, but I'm so dirty.
01:30:21Dirt doesn't bother me.
01:30:24But the smell does.
01:30:25Oh, Navin.
01:30:27[Exclaims]
01:30:29Son, you'd better get in the back with the dog
01:30:33until we can get you hosed down.
01:30:42[Shithead barking]
01:30:44I love you, Navin.
01:30:46I love you, too.
01:30:50(Taj) Somebody open a window!
01:30:52(Father) Open all the windows.
01:30:56(Navin) I was so glad to be going home.
01:30:58I remembered the days when I sang and danced
01:31:01with my family on the porch of the old house.
01:31:04But things change, and with all the additions to the family,
01:31:08we had to tear down the old house, even though we loved it.
01:31:11But we built us a bigger one.
01:31:13(family) Pick a bale a day
01:31:14Whoa Lordie Pick a bale of cotton
01:31:16Whoa Lordie Pick a bale a day
01:31:19Gonna jump down, turn around Pick a bale of cotton
01:31:21Gonna jump down, turn around Pick a bale a day
01:31:23Gonna jump down, turn around Pick a bale of cotton
01:31:26Jump down, turn around Pick a bale a day
01:31:28Gonna jump down, turn around Pick a bale of cotton
01:31:31Gonna jump down turn around Pick a bale a day
01:31:33Gonna jump down, turn around Pick a bale of cotton
01:31:36Gonna jump down, turn around Pick a bale a day
01:31:38Well, me and my buddy's gonna Pick a bale of cotton
01:31:40Go around down, turn around Pick a bale a day
01:31:43Me and my buddy's gonna Pick a bale of cotton
01:31:45Me and my buddy's gonna Pick a bale a day
01:31:48Whoa Lordie Pick a bale of cotton
01:31:50Whoa Lordie Pick a bale a day
01:31:52Whoa Lordie Pick a bale of cotton
01:31:55Whoa Lordie Pick a bale a day
01:31:57Get on your knees Pick a bale of cotton
01:32:00Get on your knees Pick a bale a day
01:32:02All around Pick a bale of cotton
01:32:04All around Pick a bale day
01:32:07Gonna pack that hay Pick a bale of cotton
01:32:09Gonna pack that hay Pick a bale a day
01:32:11Gonna jump down, turn around Pick a bale of cotton
01:32:14Gonna jump down, turn around Pick a bale a day
01:32:16Gonna jump down, turn around Pick a bale of cotton
01:32:19Gonna jump down, turn around Pick a bale a day
01:32:21Whoa Lordie Pick a bale of cotton
01:32:23Whoa Lordie Pick a bale a day
01:32:25Whoa Lordie Pick a bale of cotton
01:32:28Whoa Lordie Pick a bale a day
01:32:31Whoa Lordie Pick a bale of cotton
01:32:34Whoa Lordie Pick a bale a day
01:32:36Whoa Lordie Pick a bale of cotton
01:32:38Whoa Lordie Pick a bale a day
01:32:40Gonna jump down, turn around Pick a bale of cotton
01:32:43Gonna jump down, turn around Pick a bale a day
01:32:45Gonna jump down, turn around Pick a bale of cotton
01:32:48Gonna jump down, turn around Pick a bale a day
01:32:50Whoa Lordie Pick a bale of cotton
01:32:52Whoa Lordie Pick a bale a day
01:32:55Me and my wife gonna Pick a bale of cotton
01:32:57Me and my wife gonna Pick a bale a day
01:33:00Me and my wife gonna Pick a bale of cotton
01:33:02Me and my wife gonna Pick a bale a day
01:33:05Whoa Lordie Pick a bale of cotton
01:33:07Whoa Lordie Pick a bale a day
01:33:09Whoa Lordie
01:33:14(children) Pick a bale of cotton
01:33:17Pick a bale of cotton
01:33:23(all) Whoa Lordie Pick a bale of cotton
01:33:26Whoa Lordie Pick a bale a day
01:33:28Me and my wife gonna Pick a bale of cotton
01:33:31Me and my wife gonna Pick a bale a day
01:33:33Me and my wife gonna Pick a bale of cotton
01:33:35Me and my wife gonna Pick a bale of cotton

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