Wet Hot American Summer

00:02:08Guys, we gotta get outta here.
00:02:40You guys aren't supposed to be out of your bunks.
00:02:42You're in trouble.
00:02:50Wake up!
00:03:14You guys!
00:03:18Let's go, girls! You look hot.
00:03:20The bunk 5 boys are gonna freak out when they see you at kick ball. Let's go.
00:03:52All right, let's go.
00:04:09Good morning, everybody.
00:04:11Well, it's the last day of camp...
00:04:13And it will be sad to shut down wcfw for the summer.
00:04:17But not to worry, because those of you in the bethesda/chevy chase area...
00:04:20Can hear me all winter long on Jewish day school radio 89.9 f.M...
00:04:25"The fox."
00:04:27For those select few of you who went all summer,
00:04:30all eight weeks without finding that special someone,
00:04:33today is your day, 'cause you don't wanna go back home...
00:04:36And lie to your friends about a summer romance that didn't even happen.
00:04:40And you don't want to be the one person...
00:04:42Who doesn't have anyone to kiss tonight after the talent show.
00:04:46So, seize the day, camp firewood, because it's your last.
00:05:29Coop, do you like watching me and Andy make out?
00:05:33No. What a weird thing to say.
00:05:36- You look so sexy in this sweatshirt. - Uh-huh.
00:05:39- Your ass is so hot. - Stop it!
00:05:41- Do you want to be my boyfriend? - No.
00:05:44I get it. It's very funny. Stop.
00:05:50Oh, Coop, you know I'm just kidding.
00:05:53I know, and it's very, very funny.
00:05:56Okay. I'm sorry.
00:05:59- Want me to make it up to you? - No, you've done enough already.
00:06:02- I'm gonna find you a woman today. - Honestly, don't worry about it.
00:06:07No. And I'm not gonna rest until my mission is accomplished, okay?
00:06:11Okay. Then I'll cancel that order of onions and limburger cheese I made for lunch today.
00:06:17- Ha-ha. - Yeah.
00:06:20- I want you inside me. - What?
00:06:25Hey, what's up? I was just...
00:06:28From before.
00:06:34Coop, were you just talking to Katie? What was that?
00:06:38That was, bar none, the longest conversation I've had with her in six years of camp.
00:06:43Does she want to fuck me? Is that what she was asking you about?
00:06:46Because, tell her that I will. In fact...
00:06:48No, don't tell her that I will. Tell her that I might.
00:06:51Victor, I hate to break it to you, but your name didn't even come up.
00:06:53She definitely wants to fuck me.
00:06:55Why else would she be talking to you?
00:06:59- No offense. - None taken.
00:07:03Hello. Hi.
00:07:06- Uh, hi. - Hi. I'm Beth.
00:07:08Nice to meet you. I'm Henry.
00:07:10I've been seeing you around, so I thought I'd take a chance...
00:07:13And introduce myself.
00:07:24- Thank you. - So...
00:07:28So, you work at the camp?
00:07:31- I'm the camp director. How about yourself? - Me?
00:07:33- I don't work over there. - No, I know.
00:07:36I'm the director. I would know...
00:07:39- If you were... - Right. You would know that.
00:07:44I teach astrophysics over at the college in the school year.
00:07:47And I came here this summer just to, you know,
00:07:50relax and reflect.
00:07:52Wow! You're a Professor. What do you teach?
00:07:55Well, like I said before, astrophysics.
00:07:57I study space, stars, comets and that kind of thing.
00:08:02"Space... The final frontier."
00:08:05Right. Thanks for everything.
00:08:08Hey! You know what? It would be a great idea...
00:08:11If you came by the camp and taught the campers about space.
00:08:16- No, I couldn't... - They'd love it.
00:08:19No, I couldn't possibly.
00:08:21- It would be just... - I said no!
00:08:24Sorry. That was...
00:08:41Oh, Coop. Look at Abby.
00:08:44Oh, she wants to fuck me. So help me God.
00:08:46She wants to fuck me.
00:08:48And this time, Victor, I'm sure it's true.
00:08:51I have to admit. Abby Bernstein is one of the only Berry bushes...
00:08:55That I have yet to pollinate, if you get my meaning.
00:08:58You mean, she's the only girl at camp you haven't done it with yet?
00:09:01That's exactly what I mean.
00:09:03Hey, gene. Any mashed potatoes?
00:09:10Gary! Bring out the taters!
00:09:14Here they are. Hey, Gary.
00:09:16- Hey, dude, what's up? - Hey, guys.
00:09:19What'd you say, shithead?
00:09:22I said, "hey, guys." What's your glitz, gene?
00:09:25Listen to me, you fucked-up little cigarette-smoking piece of shit.
00:09:29I was in the Vietnam war.
00:09:32- I know. - Oh, yeah.
00:09:34The 'nam.
00:09:38Excuse me, ladies. You may remember me...
00:09:40As the guy who came to dinner a few weeks ago with underwear on my head.
00:09:44My name is Keith stack.
00:09:46From millburn, New Jersey. State bird: The mosquito.
00:09:51And as you may have heard, I am recently...
00:09:54A crowned class-b dungeon master.
00:09:57So if any of you would like to play "d & d" today,
00:10:00please speak now or forever hold your peace.
00:10:07Alexa, maybe you'd like to join in?
00:10:11We do need a druid, and you have definitely cast...
00:10:14A level-five charm spell on me.
00:10:17In your dreams, douche bag.
00:10:20Douche bags are hygienic products. I take that as a compliment.
00:10:23- Thank you. - Ewww! Ewww!
00:10:37Well, we made it to the end of the summer in one piece,
00:10:40except for a few campers who are lepers.
00:10:43Good one, Beth.
00:10:46Thank you, gene.
00:10:54Excuse me. Could you tell me where I could find the, uh...
00:11:00How do I put this? The, uh, Sci-Fi,
00:11:04nerdy, indoor kids?
00:11:08- Bunk 3. - Oh, yeah. Thanks.
00:11:15Hey, guys.
00:11:19I'm associate Professor neumann.
00:11:22Who'd like to spend the last day at camp doing science projects?
00:11:27Okay, okay. Okay, cool.
00:11:36I've seen more fucked-up shit happen in five minutes out there...
00:11:39Than you'll see in your whole fucking life.
00:11:42Gene, I'm really sorry, you know. If I could change history, I would.
00:11:46Fuck you! We need to make eight gallons of bug juice by snack hour.
00:11:49Do you know where the powder packets are?
00:11:53In the pantry over the sink, right next to my bottle of dick cream!
00:11:59Ignore that last comment.
00:12:01- Did you say dick cream? - No.
00:12:04I said stick team.
00:12:06You know, stickball? Forget about it. Go away! Leave me alone.
00:12:11I'm pretty sure he said dick cream, but...
00:12:16I need you and Neil to take the eagles out on moose river. I made them a promise.
00:12:20It's the last day of camp. It's not gonna work for me.
00:12:23- It's not gonna work for you? - No.
00:12:25It's not gonna work for you. Okay, how about this as a compromise?
00:12:29The eagles are going to go out on moose river...
00:12:32- And you and Neil are going to take them. - What?
00:12:35Everybody focus up. All eyes here.
00:12:38I would like to announce that Ben and I are planning to produce a musical number...
00:12:41From godspell for the talent show tonight.
00:12:44I'm sorry. Ben is producing, I am directing/choreographing.
00:12:47I'm speaking from personal experience, but if you can't carry a tune...
00:12:51Don't come to the audition and waste our time.
00:12:53- We're serious. - And bring a lot of movement clothes,
00:12:56a.K.A. Jazz shoes, dance belts, lycras, et Al.
00:13:00And seriously, f.Y.I., you guys,
00:13:02this is not an excuse to get out of your regular activities.
00:13:05This is an excuse to do some good musical theater.
00:13:08So, be prepared, be enthusiastic...
00:13:10And leave your bullshit attitude and baggage at the door, 'cause we don't need it!
00:13:14Hey, you guys!
00:13:16Oh, I was thinking maybe we could take a walk later,
00:13:20maybe go out to gunner's pass one last time.
00:13:24Goddamn it, Katie! You're suffocating me!
00:13:26I'm chokin', all right? Give me some breathing room.
00:13:28I just want to spend some time with you. It's our last day at camp.
00:13:32- My butt itches. - What are you talking about?
00:13:36- We're soul mates, right? - What? Yeah.
00:13:39Whatever, if you want. J.J., save me a waffle, man.
00:13:43Andy, I'm serious. Come on.
00:13:45I just want it to be special. Fuck you, dyke!
00:13:49- Why are you being such an asshole? - I gotta finish my breakfast.
00:13:52I love you, baby. So good talking to you.
00:13:58Yeah, see you in macrame.
00:14:10One last, successful b.K.F.S.T...
00:14:13Becomes one for the record books.
00:14:15And with t-minus 11 hours to the big talent show,
00:14:18we sail on aboard the good ship firewood...
00:14:21Toward a little oasis that I like to call...
00:14:24Morning activity time.
00:14:28What's going on with Silas?
00:14:30You didn't hear? He got kicked out of camp. - Why?
00:14:33He snuck into the office and videotaped himself jerking off. - You're kidding!
00:14:37- Where's the tape? - He hid it.
00:14:39- We gotta get that tape. - It's a subject matter I'm sure you're familiar with, McKinley.
00:14:44- Shut up, j.J. - You shut up.
00:14:46- You shut up. - You shut up.
00:14:59One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four.
00:15:02And one, and one. Step aside. Step aside.
00:15:18All right. Stop it!
00:15:22Okay, kids. Um, today we're going to use...
00:15:26Some crayons...
00:15:29To make some decorations for the talent show.
00:15:38- Is that your wedding ring, Gail? - Um, no.
00:15:41I mean, yes, actually. Yes, it is. It was.
00:15:44It was. It used to be, I mean, legally.
00:15:47It's so twisted. His lawyer won't even call me now.
00:15:52- Where are the crayons? - The crayons are...
00:15:55The crayon is right there.
00:15:58We could draw with the markers.
00:16:01Listen, Valerie,
00:16:04I need you to be helpful here, okay?
00:16:06I do not need you to undermine me, okay?
00:16:10But there's only one crayon, and it's brown.
00:16:12There are literally hundreds of colored markers.
00:16:32Going on your trip?
00:16:37Sucks dick we never got to know each other.
00:16:42You got a stick of gum, Victor?
00:16:44I thought you'd never ask.
00:17:04Abby! My trip... It doesn't come back until tomorrow.
00:17:08- Don't go. - I can't, because Beth told me...
00:17:14Let's go.
00:17:30This is "the beekeeper" here on camp firewood radio.
00:17:34I've got my drones working hard on a breakfast time rock... hey.
00:17:38- Arty, I need you to take a shower. - Okay.
00:17:43Your parents are coming tomorrow. I don't want to get in trouble.
00:17:46- Sure. - You haven't taken a shower once yet this summer.
00:17:49- Fine. No problem. - Arty, take a shower.
00:17:53You're covered in dirt.
00:17:59This is arty Solomon here.
00:18:02Alias, "the beekeeper."
00:18:04- You guys, I'm really gonna miss this place. - Me too.
00:18:09Hey, let's all promise that in ten years from today we'll meet again...
00:18:15And we'll see what kind of people we've blossomed into.
00:18:16- Yeah! - What time you wanna meet?
00:18:19- You mean ten years from now? - Yeah.
00:18:22Let's meet in the morning so we can make a day of it.
00:18:24Okay, so what is it? Is it like 9:00 or 9:30?
00:18:27Let's say 9:00, that way we can be here by 9:30.
00:18:30Why don't we say 9:30,
00:18:32and then make it your beeswax to be here at 9:30?
00:18:35We're gonna be in our late 20's. I don't see any reason we can't be places on time.
00:18:39Okay, it's settled. 9:30 it is.
00:18:42- All agreed? - Agreed.
00:18:45Great, 'cause I have something at 11:00.
00:18:48You've got a trapper keeper full of appointments, right?
00:18:51No, I have something at 11:00 that I can't change 'cause I already moved it twice.
00:18:59What are you looking at?
00:19:01Is there a u.F.O. In the sky?
00:19:04No, no. It's nothing you need worry about...
00:19:20Andy? Are you gonna clean that up?
00:19:24Oh, yeah, I will.
00:19:27Uh, I just got... I don't have time now.
00:19:30Clean it up and come to my office for the meeting.
00:19:34I gotta...
00:20:26- Gail, are you okay? - Yeah, I'm okay.
00:20:32It's just that my husband Ron...
00:20:35You know... No, he's my ex-husband.
00:20:38I guess I have to get used to that.
00:20:41I have to get used to saying ex, ex, ex.
00:20:44He's my ex, ex-husband.
00:20:47You know, it's just that I thought, like...
00:20:52When Jonas and I separated, I thought everything was lost.
00:20:55And then I met Ron...
00:20:57And it just seemed like everything was gonna work out, you know?
00:21:02Keep going. We're with you. I'm a total wreck! I don't even know where the crayons are.
00:21:06- I know, I know. Gail, listen to me. - I'm a loser. What?
00:21:11- Ron's who he is and you can't change that. - I know.
00:21:17- Gail, listen to me. Look at me. - I am.
00:21:20Gail, look at me. Gail, look at me.
00:21:24I want you to say "okay."
00:21:27- Why? - I want you to say "okay."
00:21:31- Okay. - Okay. Good.
00:21:34I'd like to take this opportunity to thank you all...
00:21:36For making the last eight weeks,
00:21:39without rival, the best summer of my entire life.
00:21:44Okay, let's get to business.
00:21:46Coop, the camp goat took a shit in the infirmary.
00:21:49- I need you to take care of that, please. - That's impossible!
00:21:51It is possible, and it happened... On my shoes.
00:21:55Abby, bunk 8 wants to watch the China syndrome again, so run the betamax.
00:21:59- Again? - What can I say? They love it. McKinley.
00:22:02Four lower campers are stuck in the ropes course. I meant to tell you yesterday.
00:22:06Could you get to it now? And last, but certainly not least,
00:22:10tonight is the big talent show.
00:22:13We have a lot of hard work ahead of us. A few ground rules...
00:22:16Hey. Hey!
00:22:19I'm serious here. I am not joking around.
00:22:22I am not jok... I am not Ruth buzzi standing here.
00:22:26I am no Ruth buzzi standing here!
00:22:33Steve? What you got there?
00:22:37I have been programmed...
00:22:40By my galactic master...
00:22:42Not to talk to earth denizens...
00:22:45Of classifications j.J. And McKinley-I-zoid.
00:22:53- Your brother is such a freak. - I know.
00:22:57Katie, you're hot, right?
00:23:00By all accounts, you would be considered "hot." Is that correct?
00:23:04Uh, I suppose so.
00:23:06So if one wanted to be hot and make a good impression, what would you wear?
00:23:12You put on a clean pair of pants?
00:23:15Beth, come on. Pants? Are you kidding?
00:23:18Yes. Pants.
00:23:20Of course I'm kidding.
00:23:22You didn't get I'm kidding? Unless you're kidding.
00:23:25'Cause pants, Katie. Come on, please. Pants.
00:23:30So would you... slacks? Pants?
00:23:33I don't know. I think I'd wear a sexy dress or something.
00:23:36That? Oh, you're good. Sexy dress.
00:23:38Okay. Uh, that's "a."
00:23:41Um, what else... what else would one do if one were...
00:23:46I'd do my hair. Oh, get out of town!
00:23:49I'm not getting out of town, and I'm serious. And I'd use a little mousse.
00:23:53Moose, as in...
00:23:57No, as "mousse" for your hair. Right! Right!
00:24:00- Okay. Wait a minute, Beth. Are you... - What?
00:24:04Huh? What's up?
00:24:06You dog! You have a crush on somebody!
00:24:09- I do have a crush. I just don't believe he's interested. - What?
00:24:14Beth, do not worry. Come with me and I will mousse you up.
00:24:24Hey, Andy, can I take out the motorboat and drive around the lake?
00:24:27- Sure. - Wow! Thanks.
00:24:32Just make sure you fill it up with gas when you're done, and watch out...
00:24:36Yeah, whatever.
00:24:45Man, I'd give anything for two minutes in the closet with Lindsay.
00:24:51- What about Katie? - Who?
00:25:09Hey. Whatcha writin' on?
00:25:12My "gurnal."
00:25:14I write my thoughts in it every day.
00:25:17Oh, you mean a journal.
00:25:20Yeah, whatever.
00:25:22Guess I'm not all smart like you.
00:25:24Can I see what you're writing?
00:25:27Only three people are allowed to look at this... me, myself and I.
00:25:31But I want you to share it with me.
00:25:42Let's see. Debbie waxman?
00:25:45No. She makes that weird piggy face when she talks, you know?
00:25:49Yeah. Okay, good. No piggy face.
00:25:55- Rachel Schwartz. - No.
00:25:57- Come on, she's a slut. She'll go. - I'll pass.
00:26:00- Yeah, you're not really a slut type. - Yes, I am.
00:26:03I love sluts. Sluts rock. It's just gotta be the right slut.
00:26:08What about susie?
00:26:12Yeah. I could go for susie.
00:26:15She and I went out my first summer here.
00:26:17- When you were ten? - Yeah, we were ten,
00:26:19but we were into some heavy shit.
00:26:22Did you go all the way?
00:26:24You bet we went all the way. We went all the way back too.
00:26:27We did doggy style, pony style.
00:26:29Style council. That's a good band. They're hot now. Human league.
00:26:33They have some good stuff.
00:26:36League of nations. That brings in the whole thing of united nations.
00:26:40That brings in the whole category of countries.
00:26:42Where to start? Well, the obvious one.
00:26:46The birthplace of spaghetti and pasta, all the oily stuff... Italy.
00:26:50- Now you go. - Um...
00:26:53- How about Italy? - Yeah, good! It's safe.
00:26:56I kind of paved the way with that one, but...
00:27:05- What? - Hey, guys.
00:27:08- Hi, Nancy. - Hi, Katie.
00:27:11Coop, goat shit.
00:27:20Whoo-hoo! Ow!
00:27:31Andy! Help me!
00:27:34- You French great. - Andy!
00:27:36- You're not so bad yourself, Mr. man. - Andy, help me!
00:27:40- I can't swim! - Cut it out, Bobby. You're fine.
00:27:44For chrissake, Andy, help me, I'm drowning.
00:27:54No, you can't hear the ocean, but you can learn a great deal about our world.
00:27:59- Hi, guys. - Hey, Beth.
00:28:02Like the new look. Tres chic.
00:28:05- Thank you, Henry. - Please, call me Henry.
00:28:08Okay, Henry it is.
00:28:10I see you decided to come teach the campers, Henry.
00:28:13Yeah. I'm sorry I snapped at you before.
00:28:17I'm a little shy around children. But it's been great!
00:28:20I've got them making miniature black holes with paper clips and soot.
00:28:23What you do is so fascinating!
00:28:26- You really like astrophysics? - I love it! It's my biggest hobby. I love it.
00:28:30Really? Okay. Who's your favorite astrophysicist?
00:28:35My fav... I totally know this one.
00:28:38Okay, any...
00:28:45- What time is it? - Um...
00:28:479:00, 9:30.
00:28:49I'm so late. I have to go meet Jim... stansel.
00:28:53- You know Jim? He's that guy. - Uh-huh.
00:28:57- So I'll talk to you later. Okay? - Okay.
00:29:00Okay. Okay. Later, then.
00:29:07Andy, have you seen my swimming buddy?
00:29:11Um... If I can't find him,
00:29:12I'm telling Beth that you let him drown.
00:29:15- I was busy. - It's your job to make sure kids don't drown.
00:29:19Lindsay, I need like 20 minutes, all right?
00:29:21Gotta talk to this kid.
00:29:24Andy, where are we going?
00:29:27To a big, secret pizza party.
00:29:29Wow! Cool. I love pizza.
00:29:31Yeah, well...
00:29:40Nancy! Hello.
00:29:42If I was looking for a book on astrophysics, where would I find one?
00:29:47Off the top of my head, I'd have to say a bookstore.
00:29:50- Or a library. - Right.
00:29:53Just curious. Keep up the good work.
00:29:59Excuse me. Uh, Nancy.
00:30:02Say I wanted to get a book on, um...
00:30:07- Camp directing, I guess. Would that be... - Henry.
00:30:11Henry! Library.
00:30:14Ooh. Thank you!
00:30:18Beth! Beth!
00:30:22If you're going into town, can you pick me up something at the drugstore?
00:30:25Beth, come on. My husband's coming today and I need some lube.
00:30:30For my pussy.
00:30:35Oh, cool!
00:30:37Beth's going into town. Let's go! Wait, wait!
00:30:45No, no, no. No, no, no, no.
00:30:48Come on, Coop! Come on!
00:32:07Come on.
00:32:41Hey, guys, how was waterville?
00:32:44- It was really fun. - It's always fun to get away from camp,
00:32:47even for an hour.
00:32:50Katie! I'll see you later maybe?
00:32:59Guys, wait up!
00:33:09How far away is this goddamn river?
00:33:11It's at least two hours, Vic. Try to forget about Abby.
00:33:14I can't, Neil, okay? This is my only chance.
00:33:18What are you talking about?
00:33:20I'm gonna tell you something, but I swear to God, if you tell anybody...
00:33:23- I swear to God! - What? Wha...
00:33:29- I'm a virgin. - Wha...
00:33:33You're joking. Right, dude?
00:33:35You're the stallion. You've had like 50 or 60 women, so I mean...
00:33:39Actually, it's closer to... zero.
00:33:45Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
00:33:47You're a loser. You are a loser!
00:33:49Oh, my God. Don't. I...
00:33:52You're such a loser.
00:34:04- What? - What?
00:34:06You listen to me, Mr. kickass.
00:34:09Mr. rubber burner.
00:34:11You wipe that hotshot grin off your face or I'll shoot it off you.
00:34:13You got that? Now finish up them taters.
00:34:16- I'm gonna go fondle my sweaters. - Come on. What?
00:34:19- Finish up the taters. - Then what did you say?
00:34:21- Then what did I say? - You said you were gonna go fondle your sweaters.
00:34:24I... no, I didn't.
00:34:27I said I'm gonna fondue with cheddar.
00:34:29I was thinking about making fondue with cheddar cheese for dinner tonight.
00:34:31- No, gene, that is not what you said. - It is what I said.
00:34:36Fondue with cheddar.
00:34:38Okay, fine.
00:34:44Okay, see you later.
00:34:46See ya.
00:34:49I'm just gonna stop by my bunk for a real quick sec.
00:34:55Maybe you should talk to him.
00:34:57So rabbi rothstein says, "SIM, SIM, SIM, SIM, ata..."
00:35:03Hey, McKinley.
00:35:05- Did you take that shower yet? - Yeah, of course.
00:35:08- Did you? - No.
00:35:10Take a shower.
00:35:15Sorry, folks for the "coitus interuptus," if you will.
00:35:18I know you're all hungry for the picnic,
00:35:21so don't eat too many barbecued bovine muscles.
00:35:23Those being hamburgers. Thank you.
00:35:30Gail, if I could just interject something here.
00:35:33This is gonna sound like I'm putting down my own gender,
00:35:38but the truth is, a lot of the time men can be real...
00:35:42And excuse the yiddish... Insensitive schmucks.
00:35:45- It's true. - I know.
00:35:48I know. It's just that I'm 34 years old.
00:35:52You know?
00:35:54I'm just afraid I'm never gonna meet anybody.
00:35:58- Shh. Just breathe. Shh. - It's so sad.
00:36:02Breathe. Shh. Just breathe.
00:36:06Oh, God!
00:36:09Your hands are magic.
00:36:12- There you go. - You, my friend, are a magician.
00:36:22Everyone! Immediately! Out of the van.
00:36:26Get out of the van. Out. Out.
00:36:30- What are you doing? - I'm going back to camp.
00:36:32- I'll come back in the morning and pick you up. - Wait a second.
00:36:35- What, Neil? - Wait a minute. You can't get there and back by sunup.
00:36:40I am going to be with Abby Bernstein tonight. And if you don't like it, you know what?
00:36:43You could just go ahead and fuck yourself!
00:36:52You're making a big mistake, Victor pulak.
00:36:56A big mistake.
00:37:16Oh, shit!
00:37:29Hey, Abby.
00:37:32- I thought this was a different bunk. - No.
00:37:36- Am I bothering you? - No, not at all.
00:37:39You wanna come sit on the bed?
00:38:18What? What?
00:38:21I just want to take off my shirt.
00:38:25- Where are we going? - I don't know. Victor took the maps.
00:38:29- Shut up and paddle. - I want Victor back.
00:38:32- We all want him back, Sammy, but he's not coming back. - My name isn't Sammy.
00:38:36We'll die without him. He's the only one who can navigate the river.
00:38:39Fine, you're right. I'll find the son of a gun.
00:38:42I'll bring him back here if it's the last thing I do, dead or alive.
00:38:46Alive. We want him alive.
00:38:47Okay. Wait here.
00:38:56Okay. Okay.
00:38:59All right.
00:40:17Oh, my God!
00:40:19Look at Lindsay's chicken wings.
00:40:22Debbie Epstein has, like, playboy titties!
00:40:24- It's just like klute! - Holy shit, you guys! Look, look, look.
00:40:28Bend over, yes. Take 'em off, take 'em off. Yes! Yes!
00:40:31Guys, I'm gonna catch up with you later, okay?
00:40:37Dude, that's kind of sad.
00:40:39He gets so uncomfortable whenever we talk openly about sexual issues.
00:40:43You know, he's never been with a girl before.
00:40:45McKinley needs to experience the ultimate.
00:40:48I think you know what I'm talking about.
00:40:50You mean penis in vagina?
00:40:52No, dickhead. Sex.
00:40:54Oh, oh, oh.
00:41:00They're total nymphos! Throw the ball!
00:41:05I'm sure we can convince one of the girls from bunk 10 to boink McKinley.
00:41:09They're really horny this summer.
00:41:11Where did he go, anyway? - I don't know.
00:41:15- Probably went to write his mommy and daddy a letter. - What a fag!
00:41:17- Who are we gonna set him up with? - How about Debbie?
00:41:20- No, she's got mono. - Right.
00:41:22- How about Debbie? - Who?
00:41:24- You know, Debbie Debbie. - Oh, Debbie Debbie. No, she's his cousin.
00:41:28- How about tall Debbie? - Too tall.
00:41:32How about Debbie Freeman? She's in heat!
00:41:36- She wants to French. - No, you shithead. She wants to get boned.
00:41:39- Then I want her. - You're being ridiculous.
00:41:42I'm not being ridiculous! I'm just saying I want her.
00:41:45This isn't about you. This is about McKinley.
00:41:47Haven't you been listening to what we've been saying? We're trying to get our friend laid.
00:41:51- Ah! Point taken. - Okay. Tonight...
00:41:56- Get McKinley laid. - Come hell or high water?
00:41:58Secret handshake?
00:42:00Get McKinley laid!
00:42:25As everybody knows,
00:42:27today is the big culminating, climactic softball game...
00:42:32- Against evil camp tiger claw. - Boo!
00:42:36We have put together an unlikely...
00:42:38Team of misfits, and we've been training like crazy all summer.
00:42:42Yeah, it's a motley crew that you'd think...
00:42:45Would never be able to win a single game.
00:42:47We had a kooky training period where it seemed like...
00:42:50It seemed like nothing was gonna go right. But, guys,
00:42:53somehow we made it to the finals.
00:42:55So I say, when those anonymously evil campers from tiger claw get here,
00:43:00we give it our best shot, and we try to come from behind at the last minute...
00:43:04With some weird trick play that we made up and we win the game.
00:43:07What do you say, team?
00:43:09It sounds like well-worn territory.
00:43:11The whole thing feels kind of trite. I say we forget it.
00:43:14- Is that how everybody feels? - Yeah.
00:43:16Well, it's fine with me.
00:43:29So listen, they just aren't into it. It's kind of trite.
00:43:33Yeah, you're right. No problem, man.
00:43:35It's sort of hackneyed. Tried and done before.
00:43:38See you later, man.
00:43:44It's no big deal. They were totally cool.
00:43:47Okay? All right.
00:43:56Susie is gonna score with McKinley.
00:43:59Then he's gonna need some eyewitnesses for verification.
00:44:02Let's go!
00:44:10Why does she still have her clothes on?
00:44:13- Looks like she's playing the flute. - Oh, wow. Kinky.
00:44:22As bared witness by myself,
00:44:24all of camp firewood and the higher power, however you define it,
00:44:29I hereby consecrate and sanctify the union...
00:44:32Of McKinley and Ben.
00:44:35May their majestic and blessed love...
00:44:38Flourish all the days of their lives.
00:44:43- Amen. - Amen.
00:44:51McKinley's a fag.
00:44:54- McKinley's a fag with Ben! - What are we gonna do?
00:44:59Capture the flag!
00:45:13Hey, aren't you gonna eat anything?
00:45:17I'm not hungry.
00:45:21So, you haven't made many friends this summer, have you?
00:45:25No, I have not.
00:45:27- Let's drop the robot voice, shall we? - Okay.
00:45:31- This your first summer here? - Fifth. You were my counselor...
00:45:35- Three times. - Now I'm the camp director.
00:45:37If there's anything I can do to make your last day more enjoyable, let me know.
00:45:43I have an idea. How about whatever you've been working on is your talent tonight?
00:45:46That way, the other campers can get to know you.
00:45:49- It's not a song or anything. - It's okay. I'll have susie put you on the list.
00:45:53Oh, God! Thank you!
00:45:57- How was the waterfront this morning? - It was good.
00:46:01We gonna get a chance to spend time together?
00:46:04Are you gonna pound this into my face all day?
00:46:09Apology accepted.
00:46:12Guess what. A bunch of us went into town and got ice cream and hamburgers...
00:46:16It smells like the ribs are ready.
00:46:22Beth, I may regret saying this,
00:46:26- but how dare you usurp my authority as producer... - Hmpf!
00:46:31Director/choreographer of the talent show?
00:46:33You were wrong to do that!
00:46:36I have been busting my balls, woman!
00:46:38I am telling you, the musical numbers are a mess,
00:46:42my kids are a bunch of amateurs,
00:46:44and the last thing I need today is some diabetic freak...
00:46:48Prancing around on stage making my life a living hell!
00:46:53All right, I'll put him last.
00:46:58Oh, she always wins!
00:47:02Don't pick it up, stupid!
00:47:05Stop picking it up!
00:47:08You see? This is us,
00:47:11and we're traveling around the sun.
00:47:17That's a 1.3 million mile trip every year!
00:47:25You might say that each and every one of us...
00:47:29Is a crew member here on spaceship earth.
00:47:32- When would we say that? - Any time.
00:47:35Dinner. Literally any time.
00:47:38You're amazing. I hope I can come to your college and you can be my Professor.
00:47:42Actually, I, uh...
00:47:45I'm just an associate Professor.
00:47:49- What does that mean? - Melvyn!
00:47:51No, no, it's all right.
00:47:53It means, melvyn...
00:47:56It means that I'm...
00:48:02Less than.
00:48:11Oh, God!
00:48:17Hey! What's goin' on?
00:48:21Hey, Beth. We're just having ourselves a little cry.
00:48:28I know what this group needs.
00:48:30How 'bout we grab some lunch and watch the "capture the flag" game?
00:48:33- What do you say? - I think we'll take a rain check, Beth.
00:48:38- We're in the middle of some pretty interesting stuff. - I'll make you a deal.
00:48:42You come watch the "capture the flag game" with the normal kids,
00:48:45and then you can have the whole rest of the day to learn about planets, stars,
00:48:49pulsars, heliocentricity, gravitational collapse...
00:48:52And the science of celestial mechanics...
00:48:54As shown through the work of the 19th century scientists...
00:48:57Alexis clairaut, Jean d'alembert and Pierre laplace.
00:49:01- Okay? Ready? - Okay!
00:49:10Gee, I was really impressed by some of the stuff you said back there.
00:49:14- Oh, it was... - No, Beth, you know what you're talking about.
00:49:18I don't know where you find the time to learn about astrophysics.
00:49:21I mean, with camp payroll and insurance to deal with.
00:49:25Keeping parents happy, supervising a young staff.
00:49:28- Keeping everyone fed. - Wow.
00:49:31It was in 1908 that the first American summer camps were founded in the catskills.
00:49:38- Is there any more corn? - What?
00:49:42- More corn. - Oh, dude.
00:49:45- You got... - What, dude?
00:49:48What? What are you doing with your hand?
00:49:50On your face. You, uh...
00:49:53Cat got your tongue, Andy? What is it?
00:49:56You have barbecue sauce all over your face.
00:49:59- I know that. So? - It's pretty foul.
00:50:02It's just barbecue sauce. Come on. I wanna make out.
00:50:10Okay, but not here.
00:50:19What's it like being a Professor?
00:50:21- What do they say, "publish or perish"? - Well, perish mostly.
00:50:26I'm up for tenure this fall.
00:50:29If I don't make my mark soon, I could end up out of work.
00:50:32But you're so talented!
00:50:35Tell that to my Dean.
00:50:39Okay. Okay, what's his address?
00:50:42You serious? 56 linden Lane.
00:50:45- Okay. City? - God, you're really... Augusta.
00:50:49- State? - I can't believe... Well, Maine, of course.
00:50:52- Zip? - This is... 04139.
00:50:56- Does he have an apartment number? - No!
00:50:59Beth, this is incredible. I don't know how to thank you.
00:51:04You already have, Henry. You already have.
00:51:16This is crazy. This is crazy.
00:52:25That's it, Lars.
00:52:28Good. Keep your feet together.
00:52:30You got it. Good.
00:52:36You taste like a burger. I don't like you anymore.
00:52:49Damn it!
00:52:52Is it my turn yet?
00:53:06So, this is where I come when I want to think.
00:53:12It's very...
00:53:21You know, it's weird, Coop.
00:53:24I was supposed to be in the woods with Andy this afternoon, but...
00:53:27Oh. I'm sorry. We can go back. We should go back.
00:53:32No, no! It's okay. I can see him later.
00:53:41Give me your hand.
00:53:49It's cold.
00:53:51Yeah. I'm freezing.
00:53:55Do you want my sweatshirt?
00:53:56Do you mind?
00:54:14Okay, Coop, now I'm colder than I was before when I said I was cold.
00:54:20Well, do you want my flannel?
00:54:35This is cool! It's really a great shirt. I love it.
00:54:39It's my favorite shirt.
00:54:42So... you're gonna have to give it back.
00:54:58What are we doing?
00:55:01- Do you mean like switching our shirts? - No.
00:55:05What are we doing?
00:55:07I don't know.
00:55:29Okay, so I'm Ron and I'm calling you. Here we go. Ring, ring.
00:55:33Hello? Hi, Gail.
00:55:35It's me, Ron.
00:55:37Hi, Ron. What do you want? Um, well...
00:55:41I'm ready to give our marriage another shot. What do you say?
00:55:50Be strong, Gail!
00:55:52- No. - No, Ron, it's over.
00:56:09Hi, mom. Could you get dad?
00:56:11Just get him.
00:56:14Hi, dad. Okay, are you guys sitting down?
00:56:18I met somebody. Well, she's got this other boyfriend,
00:56:21but, well, it's just a matter of time, I think.
00:56:26Her name is Katie, and she's really great.
00:56:29And, um... what? I don't think so.
00:56:32She might be. She's got a pretty big nose.
00:56:35Well, I know how you guys worry that I have trouble meeting girls.
00:56:38And I'm just saying, worry no more.
00:56:40Well, I should get going. She's probably looking for me.
00:56:44Okay, I'll talk to you guys tomorrow. Bye-bye.
00:56:50This feels so good.
00:56:53Maybe you shouldn't jump the gun just yet, Coop.
00:56:56Very good, very good.
00:56:59A-plus for comedy, Beth.
00:57:02Ruth buzzi better watch her back.
00:57:05Beth! "Jump the gun."
00:57:18Okay, stop! I feel like I'm watching regional theater, you guys.
00:57:24God, am I at the Cleveland playhouse or something?
00:57:27Your craft is a muscle! You need to exercise it!
00:57:31Take a break! Think about what you've done.
00:57:35Gee, susie, have you seen Katie anywhere?
00:57:37No. Why?
00:57:40No particular reason. But if you see her, will you tell her I'm looking for her?
00:57:43- Sure. - Okay.
00:57:47All right, with passion!
00:57:52Katie! Are you in here?
00:57:55Oh, hi.
00:57:57Um, I want to talk to you later, okay?
00:58:00Oh, yeah. Sure.
00:58:18- Have you seen j.J. And Gary? Do you know where they are? - Don't know.
00:58:21I'm a little worried they might have found out about us. - Hey!
00:58:25McKinley and Ben!
00:58:28This is for you.
00:58:34It's a chaise lounge.
00:58:37We didn't know if maybe you guys already had one. We have the receipt if you do.
00:58:41No, we don't have one. Thank you!
00:58:43It goes with the chenille throw cloth Beth's sister gave us.
00:58:46Okay, everybody, attention. I've got an announcement.
00:58:49I know you're all getting ready for the big talent show tonight,
00:58:52but the following campers need to put their trunks out...
00:58:56So the early bus to Boston can pick them up at 7:30 A.M.
00:58:59Amanda klein, Jessica azaria,
00:59:04ira stevenberg, sol zimmerstein,
00:59:10uh, David... Ben gurion.
00:59:17Cookin' slop for the grunts in 'nam was easier than this.
00:59:20We had no place being over there.
00:59:24It was a war we couldn't win, gene.
00:59:26Yeah, well I'm gonna go smear some mud on my ass.
00:59:34I said, "I hear my bud's in class."
00:59:39I gotta go and call my bud and see how his grades are.
00:59:43- I, I gotta go. Go away, leave me alone. - Gene, hold on.
00:59:46Look, I don't care what you do in your private time, but don't lie about it.
00:59:51I mean, you clearly said, "smear mud on my ass."
00:59:55And I'll tell you something. If you wanna smear mud on your ass, smear mud on your ass.
01:00:01Just be honest about it.
01:00:04Look, gene, I've never told anyone this before.
01:00:07But I can suck my own dick. And I do it.
01:00:12A lot.
01:00:14There, I said it. I was honest.
01:00:16And you know what, gene?
01:00:19Being honest makes you feel better.
01:00:23Hey, Katie, wait. I'm sorry about before.
01:00:28- I hope that wasn't bad timing. - No.
01:00:30- Coop, we have to talk. - Sure.
01:00:32I was thinking that what happened between us before was a mistake.
01:00:36- And, uh... - What?
01:00:39I wasn't thinking straight. It was wrong.
01:00:41No, it wasn't wrong. Katie, why are you doing this?
01:00:47I'm really sorry.
01:00:49Come on! This is a joke, right?
01:00:52I have a boyfriend, Coop.
01:00:54And I can't... I can't do this. I'm sorry.
01:01:04Wait, Katie!
01:01:06When we first started hanging out together this morning...
01:01:10We were just friends.
01:01:12But things change, and I've fallen in love with you.
01:01:16And I just, I just know that if you gave me a chance,
01:01:19I could make you feel so good.
01:01:22So I'm coming to you, not as your buddy,
01:01:25and not as a co-counselor, but for the first time as a man.
01:01:28A man who loves a woman,
01:01:31and who wants to hold her, and provide for her,
01:01:34and, yes, have sex with her.
01:01:36But, seriously, Katie, I love the way you laugh.
01:01:39And I love the way your hair smells.
01:01:41And I love it that sometimes for no reason, you're late for shul.
01:01:45And I don't care that you're bowlegged and bilingual.
01:01:49All I know is I would have said "no" to every person on your list...
01:01:52Because I've always wanted you.
01:01:57Coop, I don't know what to say.
01:02:03Coop, wait!
01:02:07Rachael clipperhofferman,
01:02:12- Steven schenk... - Beth!
01:02:14- Can I make a quick announcement before we finish up? - Sure thing.
01:02:22I want to thank all of you for a terrific summer.
01:02:26Cooking for all you nice people...
01:02:29Has really helped me get over the fact that I fought in the Vietnam war.
01:02:33Have a great winter! I'm gonna go hump the fridge!
01:02:42Yes, folks, it's true. I said, "I'm gonna go hump the fridge."
01:02:49What you may not know is that I also own a bottle of dick cream.
01:02:54I fondle my sweaters, and I often like to smear mud on my ass.
01:03:00You're probably asking yourselves, "isn't he a weirdo,
01:03:03outcast, loose Cannon?"
01:03:07Maybe. I don't think so.
01:03:10I want to introduce you guys to someone. This is my friend.
01:03:17I don't know who he is, but I do know this.
01:03:20At a time when I was trying to hide myself from myself,
01:03:25he was there to show me a new way.
01:03:31Because I couldn't hide from him.
01:03:35And I can be proud of who I am.
01:03:40I put it to you, camp firewood,
01:03:44as we spend our last dinner together: Be proud of who you are!
01:03:50Look at me, ma!
01:03:54I made it! I'm okay!
01:04:07Now, if you don't mind,
01:04:11I have some unfinished business to attend to.
01:04:49Hey! Hey!
01:04:56You fuckin' assholes! Let me go!
01:05:01No! No! No!
01:05:04Please, stop! No, no, no!
01:05:06No! No!
01:05:20Oh, Henry, I'm so happy.
01:05:24But what will become of us tomorrow?
01:05:27Hey, you. Penny for your thoughts.
01:05:30Beth, tomorrow's the least of our problems.
01:05:33Don't tell me. Don't even tell me you have crabs.
01:05:37No. Well, yes, but that's not the point.
01:05:40- What is the point? - This isn't the time or the place to discuss it.
01:05:43Beth, meet me at the picnic table in ten seconds. I'll tell you all about it.
01:05:58Beth, hello. Thanks for coming. Let's get right to it.
01:06:03You may recall ten seconds ago, I asked you to join me here by the picnic table...
01:06:06So I could tell you what's going on.
01:06:08Well, earlier today, I saw what I thought was possibly a planet,
01:06:12also possibly a meteor in the evening sky.
01:06:16I now believe that object was none other...
01:06:19Than a renegade piece of skylab, the NASA space station.
01:06:23- And it's heading right for the camp. - Oh, my God!
01:06:27And there's more. We have no way of pinpointing exactly where it's going to land.
01:06:32- It could kill us all! - Jesus!
01:06:34Wait a minute! There might be a way...
01:06:37To build a homemade skylab tracking device!
01:06:40- Which accomplishes? - We could surmise the location of impact.
01:06:43We could avert a tragedy on the scale of the hindenburg.
01:06:46- Beth, will you help us? - Anything you need.
01:06:50Let's do it!
01:06:52Hey, Andy?
01:06:54- Can I talk to you for a second? - Sure.
01:06:57- Okay, well... - Time's up.
01:06:59You said a second.
01:07:02- I want to ask you something. - So you want to talk for more than a second?
01:07:05- Yeah. - What is it then? Like a couple minutes?
01:07:08- No. Yeah, at most, say, like three minutes. - Fine.
01:07:11- Do you really love Katie? - Not really.
01:07:14Because I really love her, man.
01:07:16And if you have one ounce of decency, you will do the right thing and let her go.
01:07:21- No way! - No way?
01:07:23Fuck no, dude. She's hot! In fact, fuck off.
01:07:26I will not fuck off.
01:07:28You're making a really big mistake, buddy,
01:07:31because that woman is not your plaything.
01:07:34Coop, seriously... Fuck off.
01:07:39- I'm sick of talking about this with you. - God!
01:08:00So this is the skylab tracking device?
01:08:03Is this gonna save my camp?
01:08:05I don't know. But if it does, we'll all be heroes.
01:08:07In fact, I just got word that if we pull this off,
01:08:10I could be up for the Hopkins prize for physics.
01:08:13The Hopkins! Baby, what a dream. You'll finally get your tenure.
01:08:32Be proud of who you are.
01:08:37- Gene? - Shh.
01:08:40- It isn't about the girl. - It isn't?
01:08:45Well, it is,
01:08:48but see if you can follow me here.
01:09:01So it is and it isn't.
01:09:12You are ready to be taught the new way.
01:09:18Will you help teach me about this...
01:09:24What is it? A "new way"?
01:10:58Abby. Abby, my lover, my friend. Abby!
01:11:09- Hey, Neil, what's up? - Victor abandoned the raft trip,
01:11:13and now the kids are about to go over devil's canyon rapids!
01:11:20- Where did he go? - He wanted to get back to camp.
01:11:22So you left the campers alone on the river?
01:11:25Only Victor knows how to navigate those rapids.
01:11:27We've got to find him and get him back to that river.
01:11:29It's him! Victor! Victor!
01:11:33- We lost him, goddamn it! - I've got him!
01:11:35- Where is he? - He's calling from inside the camp.
01:11:37The only other phone is in the infirmary! We gotta go!
01:11:49Beth, what's the matter?
01:11:51The phone! Where's the fucking phone?
01:11:55In the back room.
01:12:14We're losing time!
01:12:22My baby!
01:12:25I want to make love to you!
01:12:37Um, you're gonna think this is so shallow,
01:12:40- but what was your name again? - Oh, my God.
01:12:43Do you have any idea...
01:12:47What I had to go through to see you?
01:12:51You snooze, you lose, dude.
01:12:56Victor pulak, there's a raft of campers about to go over devil's canyon rapids!
01:13:02Are you gonna be part of the problem, or are you the solution?
01:13:12Let's go.
01:13:15Let's go!
01:13:22Here we go.
01:13:28- Oh, fuck my cock! - What does it say?
01:13:32According to this readout, skylab is going to land directly on the rec hall.
01:13:35Oh, no. When?
01:13:37- Sometime in the next 90 minutes. - Oh, my God!
01:13:40- That's only one mix tape. - The talent show's starting right now!
01:13:44- Good evening, firewood! - Are you ready for some talent?
01:13:50- Beth, we have to evacuate the rec hall immediately! - Yeah.
01:13:55Come on!
01:14:00Stand back.
01:14:05Whoa! Whoa!
01:14:07You're a master, Vic. What the... what the fu... what?
01:14:12You're doing it. You're actually doing it.
01:14:15Oh! You saved them! You saved them!
01:14:22Victor pulak, you're okay by me.
01:14:26I'm okay, you're okay.
01:14:29And Neil, next time we go camping, you drive the van.
01:14:51I wish there was another way. Maybe we should just let them die.
01:14:53No! My friend, Jimmy's, in there.
01:14:55- You have a friend? - I'm kidding.
01:14:58Wait a minute.
01:15:03- No. - What?
01:15:05Well, there might be a way that we could use our device...
01:15:08To slightly change its direction, but...
01:15:12No, it's impossible.
01:15:14Why? What's the problem?
01:15:16In order to do it, we would somehow have to be able...
01:15:19To repeatedly generate random numbers between one and twenty...
01:15:22In order to calibrate the deferential.
01:15:24That would take some sort of super mainframe computer and we don't have one.
01:15:29So all is lost.
01:15:31No, it's not.
01:15:34Any dungeon master worth his weight in geldings...
01:15:38Goes nowhere without his...
01:15:4320-sided die.
01:15:45I'd like to introduce us to the emcee for the evening.
01:15:50We brought him all the way from kutscher's country club in the catskill mountains.
01:15:55Wait! I have some bad news!
01:16:00And my bad news is...
01:16:07And my bad news is... there is no bad news. I was just joking.
01:16:12Good one, Beth.
01:16:14Let's give a firewood welcome to Mr. Alan shemper!
01:16:21Thank you very much.
01:16:23Hello, camp firewood. Thank you for having me.
01:16:28I went to sleep-away camp so long ago that it was the stone age.
01:16:34Seriously, it wasn't the stone age.
01:16:36It was the ice age!
01:16:39No, really, it was the stone age. But, folks,
01:16:43actually I went to camp machnudin...
01:16:47In the pine hills of Westchester, New York.
01:16:49And that was so long ago...
01:16:51For breakfast we had to eat scrambled pterodactyl eggs...
01:16:55And raptor bacon!
01:16:58Back then we didn't have cots, we had slabs.
01:17:03Instead of sleeping bags, we had sleeping pelts.
01:17:14Our first act hails all the way from over in bunk 2.
01:17:19And his name is Roger, the master broom balancer.
01:17:37Holy cow!
01:17:41Right here, right here.
01:17:44Let's pray to God this works.
01:17:54That's from us to bunk 7!
01:17:57- Nine or six, what was it? - Nine!
01:18:00Okay. We're getting closer. Give me another. Seven.
01:18:04White folks are so stupid when they get mad.
01:18:07They be like, "hey, asshole, I'm going to kick your behind."
01:18:11But the brothers don't even need to raise their voice.
01:18:14These motherfuckers be like, "don't make me say it twice."
01:18:17That's true, that's true.
01:18:19I hate white people!
01:18:21Be that as it may, this next act is a guy named Bert flugalman.
01:18:26But it says here that you all know him as...
01:18:50- Gail. - Ron.
01:18:57What are you doing here?
01:18:58I've been thinking about you a lot.
01:19:01And I want you back.
01:19:08Ron... I love you,
01:19:11and I want to be with you, but...
01:19:16I've just had too many woulda-coulda-shouldas in my life.
01:19:19Well, I'm just...
01:19:21I'm just sick and tired of being sick and tired, you know?
01:19:25And if you can't handle that, then to hell with you!
01:19:29You'll come back to me, Gail. I know you will.
01:19:38I don't think so, Ronald Von kleinenshtein.
01:19:41I really don't think so.
01:19:50And now, camp fizzie-poo, performing the song...
01:19:54"Day by day" from the musical godspell,
01:19:57is susie's drama group.
01:20:01Before we start, I'd just like to say...
01:20:03That the campers you're about to see suck dick.
01:20:05Nevertheless, please welcome them.
01:21:30Well, well, well, I can honestly say...
01:21:34That there is no Broadway ditty...
01:21:36Closer to my heart than the one you just heard, "day bidet."
01:21:41Give me another.
01:21:43- Twenty. - There's not much time left.
01:21:45When I was at camp, my favorite activity was always arts and crafts.
01:21:49Or as we used to call it, arts and "farts" and crafts.
01:21:54We used to make drawings.
01:21:56Cave drawings!
01:21:58Which is my way of saying we were cavemen.
01:22:02I went to camp so long ago that I can remember saying...
01:22:05"Sticks and stones may break my bones," and meaning it!
01:22:09I went to camp so long ago that fucking Jesus Christ was my counselor!
01:22:14And my best friend hadn't fully evolved yet.
01:22:18His name was ugh, and he walked on all fours!
01:22:21There were two epidemics when I went to camp.
01:22:24Head lice and the plague... The bubonic plague.
01:23:02Katie, I came here to tell you I'm leaving.
01:23:08- Uh, what? - Yeah.
01:23:10I've grown up a lot since before dinner when we last talked.
01:23:13- Where are you going? - I don't know.
01:23:17Maybe see the world. I got a couple more weeks before school starts.
01:23:22- But... - Hey.
01:23:27I want you to have this.
01:23:35Hurry up! I think I can see it coming towards us!
01:23:43And finally, ladies and germs, is a dude...
01:23:46Who goes by the name of... "Steve."
01:23:50Let's give him a hand.
01:24:04Come on, do something. Or get the fuck off the stage!
01:24:32Is that wind?
01:24:52Oh, my God.
01:25:01Coop, Coop, don't leave.
01:25:04Coop! Coop, I love you!
01:25:10Yeah, I didn't know it until this very moment for sure,
01:25:13but now I know, and it feels like nothing I've ever known before.
01:25:18It feels so good. I love you.
01:25:51How do I know it's real this time?
01:25:53Because I'm telling you. That's all I can do.
01:25:56I love you.
01:25:58- Say it again. - I love you, I love you, Gerald cooperberg!
01:26:19It's working!
01:26:43Way to go, guys!
01:26:46Beth, we did it.
01:27:23Baby, that was beautiful!
01:27:58You better write to me. I'm gonna miss you so much!
01:28:09Beth! Beth! I got it!
01:28:12The Hopkins award!
01:28:14And, NASA's hiring me to go to work for them at cape canaveral, Florida.
01:28:20I'll have a whole new life!
01:28:22That's wonderful.
01:28:24I knew this would happen. I would meet you, fall in love and you would leave me.
01:28:29Wait, hold on, Beth. I've already told them,
01:28:31I need an apartment for two people.
01:28:34- And they'll fly you back here every summer. - Fuck you!
01:28:37And, Beth, I know we've been having trouble with, you know...
01:28:42But I was thinking when the time comes, we can adopt.
01:28:45Shh. It's happened.
01:28:48I'm pregnant. We're gonna have a baby.
01:28:51Oh. Oh, baby!
01:28:54- Good-bye, Beth. - Oh, hey!
01:28:57Looks like everything worked out for you two.
01:29:00Yeah, it's the best thing that's ever happened in my life.
01:29:02I hope you like shrimp cocktail, because we want you...
01:29:04To be the guest of honor at our wedding next week.
01:29:07We would be delighted. But I hope it's not jumbo shrimp...
01:29:09Because I'm allergic to oxymorons.
01:29:16- Bye. - Bye.
01:29:36We saved everyone's life and they'll never know it.
01:29:38I almost like it better that way.
01:29:41It was us rolling the dice that diverted it, right?
01:29:43- Not the enormous gust of wind, right? - Right.
01:29:47I feel like this entire summer, which kind of sucked,
01:29:50has been rejuvenated by the events of the past 24 hours.
01:29:54Yeah, it's like... Well, forget it.
01:29:59- You know what? - What?
01:30:01You guys are my best friends. Well, my only friends.
01:30:05- Yeah. - Nanoo-nanoo.
01:30:15- So, this is it, babe. - Yep.
01:30:18So, obviously I think we should get together in the city next weekend.
01:30:21- I'll call my parents, and you can talk to your dad and Kim. - Listen.
01:30:26Last night was really great. You were incredibly romantic and heroic.
01:30:31No doubt about it. And that's great.
01:30:34But I've thought about it, and my thing is this:
01:30:37Andy's really hot. And don't get me wrong, you're cute too.
01:30:41But Andy is like cut from marble. He's gorgeous.
01:30:45He's like this beautiful face and this incredible body,
01:30:49and I genuinely don't care that he's kind of lame.
01:30:53I don't even care that he cheats on me.
01:30:57And I like you more than I like Andy, Coop, but I'm 16.
01:31:00And maybe it will be a different story like when I'm ready to get married.
01:31:03But right now, I'm entirely about sex. I just want Andy.
01:31:07- Yeah. - I wanna take him,
01:31:09and grab him and just fuck his brains out, you know?
01:31:13So that's where my priorities are right now.
01:31:16Sex. Specifically with Andy and not with you.
01:31:19But you're really nice. Everybody thinks so.
01:31:22And I'm sorry if this isn't the direction you saw things going between us.
01:31:26I still totally want to be friends.
01:31:29You better write me a letter, okay?
01:31:40Katie, let's go.
01:32:01- How you doing? - Good.
01:36:34I'm sorry, I'm late. I thought we said 9:30.
01:36:36No, we said 9:00 so we could be here by 9:30.

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