|00:02:08||Guys, we gotta get outta here.|
|00:02:40||You guys aren't supposed
to be out of your bunks.|
|00:02:42||You're in trouble.|
|00:03:18||Let's go, girls!
You look hot.|
|00:03:20||The bunk 5 boys are gonna freak out
when they see you at kick ball. Let's go.|
|00:03:52||All right, let's go.|
|00:04:09||Good morning, everybody.|
|00:04:11||Well, it's the last day of camp...|
|00:04:13||And it will be sad to shut down
wcfw for the summer.|
|00:04:17||But not to worry, because those of you in
the bethesda/chevy chase area...|
|00:04:20||Can hear me all winter long on Jewish day
school radio 89.9 f.M...|
|00:04:27||For those select few of you
who went all summer,|
|00:04:30||all eight weeks without finding
that special someone,|
|00:04:33||today is your day, 'cause you
don't wanna go back home...|
|00:04:36||And lie to your friends about a summer
romance that didn't even happen.|
|00:04:40||And you don't want to be
the one person...|
|00:04:42||Who doesn't have anyone to kiss tonight
after the talent show.|
|00:04:46||So, seize the day, camp firewood,
because it's your last.|
|00:05:29||Coop, do you like watching
me and Andy make out?|
|00:05:33||No. What a weird thing to say.|
|00:05:36||- You look so sexy in this sweatshirt.
|00:05:39||- Your ass is so hot.
- Stop it!|
|00:05:41||- Do you want to be my boyfriend?
|00:05:44||I get it. It's very funny. Stop.|
|00:05:50||Oh, Coop, you know I'm just kidding.|
|00:05:53||I know, and it's very, very funny.|
|00:05:56||Okay. I'm sorry.|
|00:05:59||- Want me to make it up to you?
- No, you've done enough already.|
|00:06:02||- I'm gonna find you a woman today.
- Honestly, don't worry about it.|
|00:06:07||No. And I'm not gonna rest until
my mission is accomplished, okay?|
|00:06:11||Okay. Then I'll cancel that
order of onions and limburger
cheese I made for lunch today.|
|00:06:20||- I want you inside me.
|00:06:25||Hey, what's up? I was just...|
|00:06:34||Coop, were you just talking to Katie?
What was that?|
|00:06:38||That was, bar none, the
longest conversation I've had
with her in six years of camp.|
|00:06:43||Does she want to fuck me? Is that
what she was asking you about?|
|00:06:46||Because, tell her that I will. In fact...|
|00:06:48||No, don't tell her that I will.
Tell her that I might.|
|00:06:51||Victor, I hate to break it to you,
but your name didn't even come up.|
|00:06:53||She definitely wants to fuck me.|
|00:06:55||Why else would she be talking to you?|
|00:06:59||- No offense.
- None taken.|
|00:07:06||- Uh, hi.
- Hi. I'm Beth.|
|00:07:08||Nice to meet you. I'm Henry.|
|00:07:10||I've been seeing you around, so I thought
I'd take a chance...|
|00:07:13||And introduce myself.|
|00:07:24||- Thank you.
|00:07:28||So, you work at the camp?|
|00:07:31||- I'm the camp director.
How about yourself? - Me?|
|00:07:33||- I don't work over there.
- No, I know.|
|00:07:36||I'm the director. I would know...|
|00:07:39||- If you were...
- Right. You would know that.|
|00:07:44||I teach astrophysics over at the
college in the school year.|
|00:07:47||And I came here this summer
just to, you know,|
|00:07:50||relax and reflect.|
|00:07:52||Wow! You're a Professor.
What do you teach?|
|00:07:55||Well, like I said before, astrophysics.|
|00:07:57||I study space, stars, comets
and that kind of thing.|
The final frontier."|
|00:08:05||Right. Thanks for everything.|
|00:08:08||Hey! You know what?
It would be a great idea...|
|00:08:11||If you came by the camp and
taught the campers about space.|
|00:08:16||- No, I couldn't...
- They'd love it.|
|00:08:19||No, I couldn't possibly.|
|00:08:21||- It would be just...
- I said no!|
|00:08:24||Sorry. That was...|
|00:08:41||Oh, Coop. Look at Abby.|
|00:08:44||Oh, she wants to fuck me.
So help me God.|
|00:08:46||She wants to fuck me.|
|00:08:48||And this time, Victor, I'm sure it's true.|
|00:08:51||I have to admit. Abby Bernstein
is one of the only Berry bushes...|
|00:08:55||That I have yet to pollinate,
if you get my meaning.|
|00:08:58||You mean, she's the only girl at camp
you haven't done it with yet?|
|00:09:01||That's exactly what I mean.|
|00:09:03||Hey, gene. Any mashed potatoes?|
|00:09:10||Gary! Bring out the taters!|
|00:09:14||Here they are. Hey, Gary.|
|00:09:16||- Hey, dude, what's up?
- Hey, guys.|
|00:09:19||What'd you say, shithead?|
|00:09:22||I said, "hey, guys."
What's your glitz, gene?|
|00:09:25||Listen to me, you fucked-up little
cigarette-smoking piece of shit.|
|00:09:29||I was in the Vietnam war.|
|00:09:32||- I know.
- Oh, yeah.|
|00:09:38||Excuse me, ladies. You
may remember me...|
|00:09:40||As the guy who came to dinner a few
weeks ago with underwear on my head.|
|00:09:44||My name is Keith stack.|
|00:09:46||From millburn, New Jersey.
State bird: The mosquito.|
|00:09:51||And as you may have heard,
I am recently...|
|00:09:54||A crowned class-b dungeon master.|
|00:09:57||So if any of you would like
to play "d & d" today,|
|00:10:00||please speak now or
forever hold your peace.|
|00:10:07||Alexa, maybe you'd like to join in?|
|00:10:11||We do need a druid, and
you have definitely cast...|
|00:10:14||A level-five charm spell on me.|
|00:10:17||In your dreams, douche bag.|
|00:10:20||Douche bags are hygienic products.
I take that as a compliment.|
|00:10:23||- Thank you.
- Ewww! Ewww!|
|00:10:37||Well, we made it to the end
of the summer in one piece,|
|00:10:40||except for a few campers who are lepers.|
|00:10:43||Good one, Beth.|
|00:10:46||Thank you, gene.|
|00:10:54||Excuse me. Could you tell me where
I could find the, uh...|
|00:11:00||How do I put this?
The, uh, Sci-Fi,|
|00:11:04||nerdy, indoor kids?|
|00:11:08||- Bunk 3.
- Oh, yeah. Thanks.|
|00:11:19||I'm associate Professor neumann.|
|00:11:22||Who'd like to spend the last day at camp
doing science projects?|
|00:11:27||Okay, okay. Okay, cool.|
|00:11:36||I've seen more fucked-up shit happen
in five minutes out there...|
|00:11:39||Than you'll see in your whole fucking life.|
|00:11:42||Gene, I'm really sorry, you know.
If I could change history, I would.|
|00:11:46||Fuck you! We need to make eight gallons
of bug juice by snack hour.|
|00:11:49||Do you know where
the powder packets are?|
|00:11:53||In the pantry over the sink, right
next to my bottle of dick cream!|
|00:11:59||Ignore that last comment.|
|00:12:01||- Did you say dick cream?
|00:12:04||I said stick team.|
|00:12:06||You know, stickball? Forget about it.
Go away! Leave me alone.|
|00:12:11||I'm pretty sure he said
dick cream, but...|
|00:12:16||I need you and Neil to take the eagles out
on moose river. I made them a promise.|
|00:12:20||It's the last day of camp.
It's not gonna work for me.|
|00:12:23||- It's not gonna work for you?
|00:12:25||It's not gonna work for you. Okay,
how about this as a compromise?|
|00:12:29||The eagles are going to
go out on moose river...|
|00:12:32||- And you and Neil are
going to take them. - What?|
|00:12:35||Everybody focus up. All eyes here.|
|00:12:38||I would like to announce that
Ben and I are planning to
produce a musical number...|
|00:12:41||From godspell for the talent show tonight.|
|00:12:44||I'm sorry. Ben is producing, I am
|00:12:47||I'm speaking from personal experience,
but if you can't carry a tune...|
|00:12:51||Don't come to the audition
and waste our time.|
|00:12:53||- We're serious.
- And bring a lot of movement clothes,|
|00:12:56||a.K.A. Jazz shoes,
dance belts, lycras, et Al.|
|00:13:00||And seriously, f.Y.I., you guys,|
|00:13:02||this is not an excuse to get out
of your regular activities.|
|00:13:05||This is an excuse to do
some good musical theater.|
|00:13:08||So, be prepared, be enthusiastic...|
|00:13:10||And leave your bullshit
attitude and baggage at the
door, 'cause we don't need it!|
|00:13:14||Hey, you guys!|
|00:13:16||Oh, I was thinking maybe
we could take a walk later,|
|00:13:20||maybe go out to gunner's pass
one last time.|
|00:13:24||Goddamn it, Katie! You're suffocating me!|
|00:13:26||I'm chokin', all right?
Give me some breathing room.|
|00:13:28||I just want to spend some time with you.
It's our last day at camp.|
|00:13:32||- My butt itches.
- What are you talking about?|
|00:13:36||- We're soul mates, right?
- What? Yeah.|
|00:13:39||Whatever, if you want.
J.J., save me a waffle, man.|
|00:13:43||Andy, I'm serious. Come on.|
|00:13:45||I just want it to be special.
Fuck you, dyke!|
|00:13:49||- Why are you being such an asshole?
- I gotta finish my breakfast.|
|00:13:52||I love you, baby. So good talking to you.|
|00:13:58||Yeah, see you in macrame.|
|00:14:10||One last, successful b.K.F.S.T...|
|00:14:13||Becomes one for the record books.|
|00:14:15||And with t-minus 11 hours
to the big talent show,|
|00:14:18||we sail on aboard
the good ship firewood...|
|00:14:21||Toward a little oasis
that I like to call...|
|00:14:24||Morning activity time.|
|00:14:28||What's going on with Silas?|
|00:14:30||You didn't hear? He got kicked
out of camp. - Why?|
|00:14:33||He snuck into the office and videotaped
himself jerking off. - You're kidding!|
|00:14:37||- Where's the tape?
- He hid it.|
|00:14:39||- We gotta get that tape. - It's
a subject matter I'm sure
you're familiar with, McKinley.|
|00:14:44||- Shut up, j.J.
- You shut up.|
|00:14:46||- You shut up.
- You shut up.|
|00:14:59||One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.|
|00:15:02||And one, and one.
Step aside. Step aside.|
|00:15:18||All right. Stop it!|
|00:15:22||Okay, kids. Um, today
we're going to use...|
|00:15:29||To make some decorations
for the talent show.|
|00:15:38||- Is that your wedding ring, Gail?
- Um, no.|
|00:15:41||I mean, yes, actually.
Yes, it is. It was.|
|00:15:44||It was. It used to be,
I mean, legally.|
|00:15:47||It's so twisted. His lawyer
won't even call me now.|
|00:15:52||- Where are the crayons?
- The crayons are...|
|00:15:55||The crayon is right there.|
|00:15:58||We could draw with the markers.|
|00:16:04||I need you to be
helpful here, okay?|
|00:16:06||I do not need you
to undermine me, okay?|
|00:16:10||But there's only one crayon,
and it's brown.|
|00:16:12||There are literally hundreds
of colored markers.|
|00:16:32||Going on your trip?|
|00:16:37||Sucks dick we never got
to know each other.|
|00:16:42||You got a stick of gum, Victor?|
|00:16:44||I thought you'd never ask.|
|00:17:04||Abby! My trip...
It doesn't come back until tomorrow.|
|00:17:08||- Don't go.
- I can't, because Beth told me...|
|00:17:30||This is "the beekeeper" here
on camp firewood radio.|
|00:17:34||I've got my drones working hard
on a breakfast time rock... hey.|
|00:17:38||- Arty, I need you to take a shower.
|00:17:43||Your parents are coming tomorrow.
I don't want to get in trouble.|
|00:17:46||- Sure. - You haven't taken a
shower once yet this summer.|
|00:17:49||- Fine. No problem.
- Arty, take a shower.|
|00:17:53||You're covered in dirt.|
|00:17:59||This is arty Solomon here.|
|00:18:02||Alias, "the beekeeper."|
|00:18:04||- You guys,
I'm really gonna miss this place. - Me too.|
|00:18:09||Hey, let's all promise that in ten years
from today we'll meet again...|
|00:18:15||And we'll see what kind of people
we've blossomed into.|
- What time you wanna meet?|
|00:18:19||- You mean ten years from now?
|00:18:22||Let's meet in the morning
so we can make a day of it.|
|00:18:24||Okay, so what is it?
Is it like 9:00 or 9:30?|
|00:18:27||Let's say 9:00, that way
we can be here by 9:30.|
|00:18:30||Why don't we say 9:30,|
|00:18:32||and then make it your
beeswax to be here at 9:30?|
|00:18:35||We're gonna be in our late
20's. I don't see any reason
we can't be places on time.|
|00:18:39||Okay, it's settled.
9:30 it is.|
|00:18:42||- All agreed?
|00:18:45||Great, 'cause I have
something at 11:00.|
|00:18:48||You've got a trapper keeper
full of appointments, right?|
|00:18:51||No, I have something at 11:00 that I can't
change 'cause I already moved it twice.|
|00:18:59||What are you looking at?|
|00:19:01||Is there a u.F.O. In the sky?|
|00:19:04||No, no. It's nothing
you need worry about...|
|00:19:20||Andy? Are you
gonna clean that up?|
|00:19:24||Oh, yeah, I will.|
|00:19:27||Uh, I just got...
I don't have time now.|
|00:19:30||Clean it up and come
to my office for the meeting.|
|00:20:26||- Gail, are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm okay.|
|00:20:32||It's just that my husband Ron...|
No, he's my ex-husband.|
|00:20:38||I guess I have
to get used to that.|
|00:20:41||I have to get used
to saying ex, ex, ex.|
|00:20:44||He's my ex, ex-husband.|
|00:20:47||You know, it's just
that I thought, like...|
|00:20:52||When Jonas and I separated,
I thought everything was lost.|
|00:20:55||And then I met Ron...|
|00:20:57||And it just seemed like everything
was gonna work out, you know?|
|00:21:02||Keep going. We're with you.
I'm a total wreck! I don't even
know where the crayons are.|
|00:21:06||- I know, I know. Gail, listen to me.
- I'm a loser. What?|
|00:21:11||- Ron's who he is and you
can't change that. - I know.|
|00:21:17||- Gail, listen to me. Look at me.
- I am.|
|00:21:20||Gail, look at me.
Gail, look at me.|
|00:21:24||I want you to say "okay."|
- I want you to say "okay."|
- Okay. Good.|
|00:21:34||I'd like to take this
opportunity to thank you all...|
|00:21:36||For making the last eight weeks,|
|00:21:39||without rival, the best summer
of my entire life.|
|00:21:44||Okay, let's get to business.|
|00:21:46||Coop, the camp goat
took a shit in the infirmary.|
|00:21:49||- I need you to take care of that, please.
- That's impossible!|
|00:21:51||It is possible, and it happened...
On my shoes.|
|00:21:55||Abby, bunk 8 wants to watch the China
syndrome again, so run the betamax.|
- What can I say? They love it. McKinley.|
|00:22:02||Four lower campers are stuck in the ropes
course. I meant to tell you yesterday.|
|00:22:06||Could you get to it now?
And last, but certainly not least,|
|00:22:10||tonight is the big talent show.|
|00:22:13||We have a lot of hard work ahead of us.
A few ground rules...|
|00:22:19||I'm serious here.
I am not joking around.|
|00:22:22||I am not jok... I am not
Ruth buzzi standing here.|
|00:22:26||I am no Ruth buzzi standing here!|
|00:22:33||Steve? What you got there?|
|00:22:37||I have been programmed...|
|00:22:40||By my galactic master...|
|00:22:42||Not to talk to earth denizens...|
|00:22:45||Of classifications j.J.
|00:22:53||- Your brother is such a freak.
- I know.|
|00:22:57||Katie, you're hot, right?|
|00:23:00||By all accounts, you would be considered
"hot." Is that correct?|
|00:23:04||Uh, I suppose so.|
|00:23:06||So if one wanted to be hot and make
a good impression, what would you wear?|
|00:23:12||You put on a clean pair of pants?|
|00:23:15||Beth, come on. Pants?
Are you kidding?|
|00:23:20||Of course I'm kidding.|
|00:23:22||You didn't get I'm kidding?
Unless you're kidding.|
|00:23:25||'Cause pants, Katie.
Come on, please. Pants.|
|00:23:30||So would you... slacks? Pants?|
|00:23:33||I don't know. I think I'd wear
a sexy dress or something.|
|00:23:36||That? Oh, you're good.
|00:23:38||Okay. Uh, that's "a."|
|00:23:41||Um, what else... what else
would one do if one were...|
|00:23:46||I'd do my hair.
Oh, get out of town!|
|00:23:49||I'm not getting out of town, and I'm
serious. And I'd use a little mousse.|
|00:23:53||Moose, as in...|
|00:23:57||No, as "mousse" for your hair.
|00:24:00||- Okay. Wait a minute, Beth. Are you...
|00:24:04||Huh? What's up?|
|00:24:06||You dog! You have
a crush on somebody!|
|00:24:09||- I do have a crush. I just don't
believe he's interested. - What?|
|00:24:14||Beth, do not worry. Come with me
and I will mousse you up.|
|00:24:24||Hey, Andy, can I take out the
motorboat and drive around the lake?|
- Wow! Thanks.|
|00:24:32||Just make sure you fill it up with gas
when you're done, and watch out...|
|00:24:45||Man, I'd give anything for two
minutes in the closet with Lindsay.|
|00:24:51||- What about Katie?
|00:25:09||Hey. Whatcha writin' on?|
|00:25:14||I write my thoughts in it every day.|
|00:25:17||Oh, you mean a journal.|
|00:25:22||Guess I'm not all smart like you.|
|00:25:24||Can I see what you're writing?|
|00:25:27||Only three people are allowed to
look at this... me, myself and I.|
|00:25:31||But I want you to share it with me.|
|00:25:42||Let's see. Debbie waxman?|
|00:25:45||No. She makes that weird piggy
face when she talks, you know?|
|00:25:49||Yeah. Okay, good. No piggy face.|
|00:25:55||- Rachel Schwartz.
|00:25:57||- Come on, she's a slut. She'll go.
- I'll pass.|
|00:26:00||- Yeah, you're not really a slut type.
- Yes, I am.|
|00:26:03||I love sluts. Sluts rock.
It's just gotta be the right slut.|
|00:26:08||What about susie?|
|00:26:12||Yeah. I could go for susie.|
|00:26:15||She and I went out
my first summer here.|
|00:26:17||- When you were ten?
- Yeah, we were ten,|
|00:26:19||but we were into
some heavy shit.|
|00:26:22||Did you go all the way?|
|00:26:24||You bet we went all the way.
We went all the way back too.|
|00:26:27||We did doggy style, pony style.|
|00:26:29||Style council. That's a good band.
They're hot now. Human league.|
|00:26:33||They have some good stuff.|
|00:26:36||League of nations. That brings in
the whole thing of united nations.|
|00:26:40||That brings in the whole
category of countries.|
|00:26:42||Where to start?
Well, the obvious one.|
|00:26:46||The birthplace of spaghetti and
pasta, all the oily stuff... Italy.|
|00:26:50||- Now you go.
|00:26:53||- How about Italy?
- Yeah, good! It's safe.|
|00:26:56||I kind of paved the way
with that one, but...|
- Hey, guys.|
|00:27:08||- Hi, Nancy.
- Hi, Katie.|
|00:27:11||Coop, goat shit.|
|00:27:31||Andy! Help me!|
|00:27:34||- You French great.
|00:27:36||- You're not so bad yourself, Mr. man.
- Andy, help me!|
|00:27:40||- I can't swim!
- Cut it out, Bobby. You're fine.|
|00:27:44||For chrissake, Andy,
help me, I'm drowning.|
|00:27:54||No, you can't hear the ocean, but you
can learn a great deal about our world.|
|00:27:59||- Hi, guys.
- Hey, Beth.|
|00:28:02||Like the new look. Tres chic.|
|00:28:05||- Thank you, Henry.
- Please, call me Henry.|
|00:28:08||Okay, Henry it is.|
|00:28:10||I see you decided to come
teach the campers, Henry.|
|00:28:13||Yeah. I'm sorry
I snapped at you before.|
|00:28:17||I'm a little shy around children.
But it's been great!|
|00:28:20||I've got them making miniature
black holes with paper clips and soot.|
|00:28:23||What you do is so fascinating!|
|00:28:26||- You really like astrophysics? - I love
it! It's my biggest hobby. I love it.|
|00:28:30||Really? Okay. Who's your
|00:28:35||My fav... I totally know this one.|
|00:28:45||- What time is it?
|00:28:49||I'm so late. I have to go
meet Jim... stansel.|
|00:28:53||- You know Jim? He's that guy.
|00:28:57||- So I'll talk to you later. Okay?
|00:29:00||Okay. Okay. Later, then.|
|00:29:07||Andy, have you seen
my swimming buddy?|
If I can't find him,|
|00:29:12||I'm telling Beth
that you let him drown.|
|00:29:15||- I was busy. - It's your job to
make sure kids don't drown.|
|00:29:19||Lindsay, I need like
20 minutes, all right?|
|00:29:21||Gotta talk to this kid.|
|00:29:24||Andy, where are we going?|
|00:29:27||To a big, secret pizza party.|
|00:29:29||Wow! Cool. I love pizza.|
|00:29:42||If I was looking for a book on
astrophysics, where would I find one?|
|00:29:47||Off the top of my head,
I'd have to say a bookstore.|
|00:29:50||- Or a library.
|00:29:53||Just curious. Keep up the good work.|
|00:29:59||Excuse me. Uh, Nancy.|
|00:30:02||Say I wanted to get a book on, um...|
|00:30:07||- Camp directing, I guess. Would that be...
|00:30:14||Ooh. Thank you!|
|00:30:22||If you're going into town, can you pick
me up something at the drugstore?|
|00:30:25||Beth, come on. My husband's coming
today and I need some lube.|
|00:30:30||For my pussy.|
|00:30:37||Beth's going into town.
Let's go! Wait, wait!|
|00:30:45||No, no, no.
No, no, no, no.|
|00:30:48||Come on, Coop!
|00:32:41||Hey, guys, how was waterville?|
|00:32:44||- It was really fun. - It's always fun
to get away from camp,|
|00:32:47||even for an hour.|
I'll see you later maybe?|
|00:32:59||Guys, wait up!|
|00:33:09||How far away
is this goddamn river?|
|00:33:11||It's at least two hours, Vic.
Try to forget about Abby.|
|00:33:14||I can't, Neil, okay?
This is my only chance.|
|00:33:18||What are you talking about?|
|00:33:20||I'm gonna tell you something, but I
swear to God, if you tell anybody...|
|00:33:23||- I swear to God!
- What? Wha...|
|00:33:29||- I'm a virgin.
|00:33:35||You're the stallion. You've had
like 50 or 60 women, so I mean...|
|00:33:39||Actually, it's closer to... zero.|
|00:33:45||Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.|
|00:33:47||You're a loser.
You are a loser!|
|00:33:49||Oh, my God. Don't. I...|
|00:33:52||You're such a loser.|
|00:34:06||You listen to me,
|00:34:09||Mr. rubber burner.|
|00:34:11||You wipe that hotshot grin off
your face or I'll shoot it off you.|
|00:34:13||You got that? Now finish up them taters.|
|00:34:16||- I'm gonna go fondle my sweaters.
- Come on. What?|
|00:34:19||- Finish up the taters.
- Then what did you say?|
|00:34:21||- Then what did I say? - You said you
were gonna go fondle your sweaters.|
|00:34:24||I... no, I didn't.|
|00:34:27||I said I'm gonna
fondue with cheddar.|
|00:34:29||I was thinking about making fondue with
cheddar cheese for dinner tonight.|
|00:34:31||- No, gene, that is not what you said.
- It is what I said.|
|00:34:36||Fondue with cheddar.|
|00:34:44||Okay, see you later.|
|00:34:49||I'm just gonna stop by
my bunk for a real quick sec.|
|00:34:55||Maybe you should talk to him.|
|00:34:57||So rabbi rothstein says, "SIM, SIM,
SIM, SIM, ata..."|
|00:35:05||- Did you take that shower yet?
- Yeah, of course.|
|00:35:08||- Did you?
|00:35:10||Take a shower.|
|00:35:15||Sorry, folks for the
"coitus interuptus," if you will.|
|00:35:18||I know you're all hungry
for the picnic,|
|00:35:21||so don't eat too many
barbecued bovine muscles.|
|00:35:23||Those being hamburgers.
|00:35:30||Gail, if I could just
interject something here.|
|00:35:33||This is gonna sound like
I'm putting down my own gender,|
|00:35:38||but the truth is, a lot of the time
men can be real...|
|00:35:42||And excuse the yiddish...
|00:35:45||- It's true.
- I know.|
|00:35:48||I know. It's just that
I'm 34 years old.|
|00:35:54||I'm just afraid I'm never
gonna meet anybody.|
|00:35:58||- Shh. Just breathe. Shh.
- It's so sad.|
|00:36:09||Your hands are magic.|
|00:36:12||- There you go.
- You, my friend, are a magician.|
Out of the van.|
|00:36:26||Get out of the van.
|00:36:30||- What are you doing?
- I'm going back to camp.|
|00:36:32||- I'll come back in the morning and
pick you up. - Wait a second.|
|00:36:35||- What, Neil? - Wait a minute.
You can't get there and back by sunup.|
|00:36:40||I am going to be with Abby
Bernstein tonight. And if you
don't like it, you know what?|
|00:36:43||You could just go ahead
and fuck yourself!|
|00:36:52||You're making a big mistake,
|00:36:56||A big mistake.|
|00:37:32||- I thought this was a different bunk.
|00:37:36||- Am I bothering you?
- No, not at all.|
|00:37:39||You wanna come sit on the bed?|
|00:38:21||I just want to take off my shirt.|
|00:38:25||- Where are we going?
- I don't know. Victor took the maps.|
|00:38:29||- Shut up and paddle.
- I want Victor back.|
|00:38:32||- We all want him back, Sammy, but he's
not coming back. - My name isn't Sammy.|
|00:38:36||We'll die without him. He's the only
one who can navigate the river.|
|00:38:39||Fine, you're right.
I'll find the son of a gun.|
|00:38:42||I'll bring him back here if it's the
last thing I do, dead or alive.|
|00:38:46||Alive. We want him alive.|
|00:38:47||Okay. Wait here.|
|00:40:17||Oh, my God!|
|00:40:19||Look at Lindsay's chicken wings.|
|00:40:22||Debbie Epstein has,
like, playboy titties!|
|00:40:24||- It's just like klute! - Holy shit,
you guys! Look, look, look.|
|00:40:28||Bend over, yes. Take 'em off,
take 'em off. Yes! Yes!|
|00:40:31||Guys, I'm gonna catch up
with you later, okay?|
|00:40:37||Dude, that's kind of sad.|
|00:40:39||He gets so uncomfortable whenever
we talk openly about sexual issues.|
|00:40:43||You know, he's never
been with a girl before.|
to experience the ultimate.|
|00:40:48||I think you know
what I'm talking about.|
|00:40:50||You mean penis in vagina?|
|00:40:52||No, dickhead. Sex.|
|00:40:54||Oh, oh, oh.|
nymphos! Throw the ball!|
|00:41:05||I'm sure we can convince one of the
girls from bunk 10 to boink McKinley.|
|00:41:09||They're really horny this summer.|
|00:41:11||Where did he go, anyway?
- I don't know.|
|00:41:15||- Probably went to write his mommy
and daddy a letter. - What a fag!|
|00:41:17||- Who are we gonna set him up with?
- How about Debbie?|
|00:41:20||- No, she's got mono.
|00:41:22||- How about Debbie?
|00:41:24||- You know, Debbie Debbie.
- Oh, Debbie Debbie. No, she's his cousin.|
|00:41:28||- How about tall Debbie?
- Too tall.|
|00:41:32||How about Debbie
Freeman? She's in heat!|
|00:41:36||- She wants to French. - No, you
shithead. She wants to get boned.|
|00:41:39||- Then I want her.
- You're being ridiculous.|
|00:41:42||I'm not being ridiculous!
I'm just saying I want her.|
|00:41:45||This isn't about you.
This is about McKinley.|
|00:41:47||Haven't you been listening to
what we've been saying? We're
trying to get our friend laid.|
|00:41:51||- Ah! Point taken.
- Okay. Tonight...|
|00:41:56||- Get McKinley laid.
- Come hell or high water?|
|00:42:00||Get McKinley laid!|
|00:42:25||As everybody knows,|
|00:42:27||today is the big culminating,
climactic softball game...|
|00:42:32||- Against evil camp tiger claw.
|00:42:36||We have put together
|00:42:38||Team of misfits, and we've been
training like crazy all summer.|
|00:42:42||Yeah, it's a motley crew
that you'd think...|
|00:42:45||Would never be able
to win a single game.|
|00:42:47||We had a kooky training period
where it seemed like...|
|00:42:50||It seemed like nothing was
gonna go right. But, guys,|
|00:42:53||somehow we made it
to the finals.|
|00:42:55||So I say, when those anonymously
evil campers from tiger claw get here,|
|00:43:00||we give it our best shot, and we try to
come from behind at the last minute...|
|00:43:04||With some weird trick play that we
made up and we win the game.|
|00:43:07||What do you say, team?|
|00:43:09||It sounds like
|00:43:11||The whole thing feels kind of
trite. I say we forget it.|
|00:43:14||- Is that how everybody feels?
|00:43:16||Well, it's fine with me.|
|00:43:29||So listen, they just
aren't into it. It's kind of trite.|
|00:43:33||Yeah, you're right. No problem, man.|
|00:43:35||It's sort of hackneyed. Tried
and done before.|
|00:43:38||See you later, man.|
|00:43:44||It's no big deal.
They were totally cool.|
|00:43:47||Okay? All right.|
|00:43:56||Susie is gonna score
|00:43:59||Then he's gonna need some
eyewitnesses for verification.|
|00:44:10||Why does she still
have her clothes on?|
|00:44:13||- Looks like she's playing the flute.
- Oh, wow. Kinky.|
|00:44:22||As bared witness by myself,|
|00:44:24||all of camp firewood and the higher
power, however you define it,|
|00:44:29||I hereby consecrate
and sanctify the union...|
|00:44:32||Of McKinley and Ben.|
|00:44:35||May their majestic
and blessed love...|
|00:44:38||Flourish all the days
of their lives.|
|00:44:51||McKinley's a fag.|
|00:44:54||- McKinley's a fag with Ben!
- What are we gonna do?|
|00:44:59||Capture the flag!|
|00:45:13||Hey, aren't you
gonna eat anything?|
|00:45:17||I'm not hungry.|
|00:45:21||So, you haven't made many
friends this summer, have you?|
|00:45:25||No, I have not.|
|00:45:27||- Let's drop the robot voice, shall we?
|00:45:31||- This your first summer here?
- Fifth. You were my counselor...|
|00:45:35||- Three times.
- Now I'm the camp director.|
|00:45:37||If there's anything I can do to make your
last day more enjoyable, let me know.|
|00:45:43||I have an idea. How about
whatever you've been working
on is your talent tonight?|
|00:45:46||That way, the other campers
can get to know you.|
|00:45:49||- It's not a song or anything. - It's
okay. I'll have susie put you on the list.|
|00:45:53||Oh, God! Thank you!|
|00:45:57||- How was the waterfront this morning?
- It was good.|
|00:46:01||We gonna get a chance
to spend time together?|
|00:46:04||Are you gonna pound this
into my face all day?|
|00:46:12||Guess what. A bunch of us went into town
and got ice cream and hamburgers...|
|00:46:16||It smells like the ribs are ready.|
|00:46:22||Beth, I may regret saying this,|
|00:46:26||- but how dare you usurp my authority
as producer... - Hmpf!|
of the talent show?|
|00:46:33||You were wrong to do that!|
|00:46:36||I have been busting
my balls, woman!|
|00:46:38||I am telling you,
the musical numbers are a mess,|
|00:46:42||my kids are a bunch of amateurs,|
|00:46:44||and the last thing I need today
is some diabetic freak...|
|00:46:48||Prancing around on stage
making my life a living hell!|
|00:46:53||All right, I'll put him last.|
|00:46:58||Oh, she always wins!|
|00:47:02||Don't pick it up, stupid!|
|00:47:05||Stop picking it up!|
|00:47:08||You see? This is us,|
|00:47:11||and we're traveling
around the sun.|
|00:47:17||That's a 1.3 million mile trip
|00:47:25||You might say that
each and every one of us...|
|00:47:29||Is a crew member here
on spaceship earth.|
|00:47:32||- When would we say that?
- Any time.|
|00:47:35||Dinner. Literally any time.|
|00:47:38||You're amazing. I hope I can come to your
college and you can be my Professor.|
|00:47:42||Actually, I, uh...|
|00:47:45||I'm just an associate Professor.|
|00:47:49||- What does that mean?
|00:47:51||No, no, it's all right.|
|00:47:53||It means, melvyn...|
|00:47:56||It means that I'm...|
|00:48:17||Hey! What's goin' on?|
|00:48:21||Hey, Beth. We're just
having ourselves a little cry.|
|00:48:28||I know what this group needs.|
|00:48:30||How 'bout we grab some lunch and
watch the "capture the flag" game?|
|00:48:33||- What do you say?
- I think we'll take a rain check, Beth.|
|00:48:38||- We're in the middle of some pretty
interesting stuff. - I'll make you a deal.|
|00:48:42||You come watch the "capture the
flag game" with the normal kids,|
|00:48:45||and then you can have the whole rest
of the day to learn about planets, stars,|
|00:48:52||And the science
of celestial mechanics...|
|00:48:54||As shown through the work of
the 19th century scientists...|
|00:48:57||Alexis clairaut, Jean d'alembert
and Pierre laplace.|
|00:49:01||- Okay? Ready?
|00:49:10||Gee, I was really impressed by some
of the stuff you said back there.|
|00:49:14||- Oh, it was... - No, Beth, you
know what you're talking about.|
|00:49:18||I don't know where you find the
time to learn about astrophysics.|
|00:49:21||I mean, with camp payroll
and insurance to deal with.|
|00:49:25||Keeping parents happy,
supervising a young staff.|
|00:49:28||- Keeping everyone fed.
|00:49:31||It was in 1908 that the first
American summer camps
were founded in the catskills.|
|00:49:38||- Is there any more corn?
|00:49:42||- More corn.
- Oh, dude.|
|00:49:45||- You got...
- What, dude?|
|00:49:48||What? What are you doing
with your hand?|
|00:49:50||On your face. You, uh...|
|00:49:53||Cat got your tongue, Andy?
What is it?|
|00:49:56||You have barbecue sauce
all over your face.|
|00:49:59||- I know that. So?
- It's pretty foul.|
|00:50:02||It's just barbecue sauce.
Come on. I wanna make out.|
|00:50:10||Okay, but not here.|
|00:50:19||What's it like being a Professor?|
|00:50:21||- What do they say, "publish or perish"?
- Well, perish mostly.|
|00:50:26||I'm up for tenure this fall.|
|00:50:29||If I don't make my mark soon,
I could end up out of work.|
|00:50:32||But you're so talented!|
|00:50:35||Tell that to my Dean.|
|00:50:39||Okay. Okay, what's his address?|
56 linden Lane.|
|00:50:45||- Okay. City?
- God, you're really... Augusta.|
|00:50:49||- State? - I can't believe...
Well, Maine, of course.|
- This is... 04139.|
|00:50:56||- Does he have an apartment number?
|00:50:59||Beth, this is incredible. I don't
know how to thank you.|
|00:51:04||You already have, Henry.
You already have.|
|00:51:16||This is crazy.
This is crazy.|
|00:52:25||That's it, Lars.|
|00:52:28||Good. Keep your feet together.|
|00:52:30||You got it. Good.|
|00:52:36||You taste like a burger.
I don't like you anymore.|
|00:52:52||Is it my turn yet?|
|00:53:06||So, this is where I come
when I want to think.|
|00:53:21||You know, it's weird, Coop.|
|00:53:24||I was supposed to be in the woods
with Andy this afternoon, but...|
|00:53:27||Oh. I'm sorry. We can go back.
We should go back.|
|00:53:32||No, no! It's okay.
I can see him later.|
|00:53:41||Give me your hand.|
|00:53:51||Yeah. I'm freezing.|
|00:53:55||Do you want my sweatshirt?|
|00:53:56||Do you mind?|
|00:54:14||Okay, Coop, now I'm colder than
I was before when I said I was cold.|
|00:54:20||Well, do you want my flannel?|
|00:54:35||This is cool! It's really a
great shirt. I love it.|
|00:54:39||It's my favorite shirt.|
|00:54:42||So... you're gonna have
to give it back.|
|00:54:58||What are we doing?|
|00:55:01||- Do you mean like switching our shirts?
|00:55:05||What are we doing?|
|00:55:07||I don't know.|
|00:55:29||Okay, so I'm Ron and I'm calling you.
Here we go. Ring, ring.|
|00:55:35||It's me, Ron.|
|00:55:37||Hi, Ron. What do
you want? Um, well...|
|00:55:41||I'm ready to give our marriage
another shot. What do you say?|
|00:55:50||Be strong, Gail!|
- No, Ron, it's over.|
|00:56:09||Hi, mom. Could you get dad?|
|00:56:11||Just get him.|
|00:56:14||Hi, dad. Okay, are you
guys sitting down?|
|00:56:18||I met somebody. Well, she's got
this other boyfriend,|
|00:56:21||but, well, it's just a matter
of time, I think.|
|00:56:26||Her name is Katie,
and she's really great.|
|00:56:29||And, um... what?
I don't think so.|
|00:56:32||She might be.
She's got a pretty big nose.|
|00:56:35||Well, I know how you guys worry that
I have trouble meeting girls.|
|00:56:38||And I'm just saying,
worry no more.|
|00:56:40||Well, I should get going.
She's probably looking for me.|
|00:56:44||Okay, I'll talk to you guys tomorrow.
|00:56:50||This feels so good.|
|00:56:53||Maybe you shouldn't jump
the gun just yet, Coop.|
|00:56:56||Very good, very good.|
|00:56:59||A-plus for comedy, Beth.|
|00:57:02||Ruth buzzi better watch
"Jump the gun."|
|00:57:18||Okay, stop! I feel like I'm watching
regional theater, you guys.|
|00:57:24||God, am I at the Cleveland
playhouse or something?|
|00:57:27||Your craft is a muscle!
You need to exercise it!|
|00:57:31||Take a break! Think about
what you've done.|
|00:57:35||Gee, susie, have you
seen Katie anywhere?|
|00:57:40||No particular reason. But if you see her,
will you tell her I'm looking for her?|
|00:57:47||All right, with passion!|
|00:57:52||Katie! Are you in here?|
|00:57:57||Um, I want to talk
to you later, okay?|
|00:58:00||Oh, yeah. Sure.|
|00:58:18||- Have you seen j.J. And Gary? Do you
know where they are? - Don't know.|
|00:58:21||I'm a little worried they might have
found out about us. - Hey!|
|00:58:25||McKinley and Ben!|
|00:58:28||This is for you.|
|00:58:34||It's a chaise lounge.|
|00:58:37||We didn't know if maybe you
guys already had one. We
have the receipt if you do.|
|00:58:41||No, we don't have one. Thank you!|
|00:58:43||It goes with the chenille throw
cloth Beth's sister gave us.|
|00:58:46||Okay, everybody, attention.
I've got an announcement.|
|00:58:49||I know you're all getting ready
for the big talent show tonight,|
|00:58:52||but the following campers
need to put their trunks out...|
|00:58:56||So the early bus to Boston
can pick them up at 7:30 A.M.|
|00:58:59||Amanda klein, Jessica azaria,|
|00:59:04||ira stevenberg, sol zimmerstein,|
|00:59:10||uh, David... Ben gurion.|
|00:59:17||Cookin' slop for the grunts
in 'nam was easier than this.|
|00:59:20||We had no place being over there.|
|00:59:24||It was a war we couldn't win, gene.|
|00:59:26||Yeah, well I'm gonna go
smear some mud on my ass.|
|00:59:34||I said, "I hear
my bud's in class."|
|00:59:39||I gotta go and call my bud
and see how his grades are.|
|00:59:43||- I, I gotta go. Go away, leave
me alone. - Gene, hold on.|
|00:59:46||Look, I don't care what you do in your
private time, but don't lie about it.|
|00:59:51||I mean, you clearly said,
"smear mud on my ass."|
|00:59:55||And I'll tell you something.
If you wanna smear mud on your ass,
smear mud on your ass.|
|01:00:01||Just be honest about it.|
|01:00:04||Look, gene, I've never
told anyone this before.|
|01:00:07||But I can suck my own dick.
And I do it.|
|01:00:14||There, I said it.
I was honest.|
|01:00:16||And you know what, gene?|
makes you feel better.|
|01:00:23||Hey, Katie, wait.
I'm sorry about before.|
|01:00:28||- I hope that wasn't bad timing.
|01:00:30||- Coop, we have to talk.
|01:00:32||I was thinking that what happened
between us before was a mistake.|
|01:00:36||- And, uh...
|01:00:39||I wasn't thinking straight.
It was wrong.|
|01:00:41||No, it wasn't wrong.
Katie, why are you doing this?|
|01:00:47||I'm really sorry.|
This is a joke, right?|
|01:00:52||I have a boyfriend, Coop.|
|01:00:54||And I can't... I can't do
this. I'm sorry.|
|01:01:06||When we first started hanging
out together this morning...|
|01:01:10||We were just friends.|
|01:01:12||But things change, and I've
fallen in love with you.|
|01:01:16||And I just, I just know
that if you gave me a chance,|
|01:01:19||I could make you feel so good.|
|01:01:22||So I'm coming to you,
not as your buddy,|
|01:01:25||and not as a co-counselor,
but for the first time as a man.|
|01:01:28||A man who loves a woman,|
|01:01:31||and who wants to hold her,
and provide for her,|
|01:01:34||and, yes, have sex with her.|
|01:01:36||But, seriously, Katie,
I love the way you laugh.|
|01:01:39||And I love the way
your hair smells.|
|01:01:41||And I love it that sometimes for
no reason, you're late for shul.|
|01:01:45||And I don't care that
you're bowlegged and bilingual.|
|01:01:49||All I know is I would have said "no"
to every person on your list...|
|01:01:52||Because I've always wanted you.|
|01:01:57||Coop, I don't know what to say.|
|01:02:12||- Steven schenk...
|01:02:14||- Can I make a quick announcement
before we finish up? - Sure thing.|
|01:02:22||I want to thank all of you
for a terrific summer.|
|01:02:26||Cooking for all you
|01:02:29||Has really helped me get over the
fact that I fought in the Vietnam war.|
|01:02:33||Have a great winter!
I'm gonna go hump the fridge!|
|01:02:42||Yes, folks, it's true. I said,
"I'm gonna go hump the fridge."|
|01:02:49||What you may not know is that
I also own a bottle of dick cream.|
|01:02:54||I fondle my sweaters, and I often
like to smear mud on my ass.|
|01:03:00||You're probably asking yourselves,
"isn't he a weirdo,|
|01:03:03||outcast, loose Cannon?"|
|01:03:07||Maybe. I don't think so.|
|01:03:10||I want to introduce you guys
to someone. This is my friend.|
|01:03:17||I don't know who he is,
but I do know this.|
|01:03:20||At a time when I was trying
to hide myself from myself,|
|01:03:25||he was there to show me a new way.|
|01:03:31||Because I couldn't hide from him.|
|01:03:35||And I can be proud of who I am.|
|01:03:40||I put it to you, camp firewood,|
|01:03:44||as we spend our last dinner together:
Be proud of who you are!|
|01:03:50||Look at me, ma!|
|01:03:54||I made it! I'm okay!|
|01:04:07||Now, if you don't mind,|
|01:04:11||I have some unfinished
business to attend to.|
|01:04:56||You fuckin' assholes!
Let me go!|
|01:05:01||No! No! No!|
No, no, no!|
|01:05:20||Oh, Henry, I'm so happy.|
|01:05:24||But what will become
of us tomorrow?|
|01:05:27||Hey, you. Penny for your thoughts.|
the least of our problems.|
|01:05:33||Don't tell me. Don't even
tell me you have crabs.|
|01:05:37||No. Well, yes,
but that's not the point.|
|01:05:40||- What is the point? - This isn't the
time or the place to discuss it.|
|01:05:43||Beth, meet me at the picnic table in
ten seconds. I'll tell you all about it.|
|01:05:58||Beth, hello. Thanks for coming.
Let's get right to it.|
|01:06:03||You may recall ten seconds ago, I asked
you to join me here by the picnic table...|
|01:06:06||So I could tell you what's going on.|
|01:06:08||Well, earlier today, I saw what I
thought was possibly a planet,|
|01:06:12||also possibly a meteor
in the evening sky.|
|01:06:16||I now believe that object
was none other...|
|01:06:19||Than a renegade piece of skylab,
the NASA space station.|
|01:06:23||- And it's heading right for the camp.
- Oh, my God!|
|01:06:27||And there's more. We have
no way of pinpointing exactly
where it's going to land.|
|01:06:32||- It could kill us all!
|01:06:34||Wait a minute! There
might be a way...|
|01:06:37||To build a homemade
skylab tracking device!|
|01:06:40||- Which accomplishes? - We could
surmise the location of impact.|
|01:06:43||We could avert a tragedy on
the scale of the hindenburg.|
|01:06:46||- Beth, will you help us?
- Anything you need.|
|01:06:50||Let's do it!|
|01:06:54||- Can I talk to you for a second?
|01:06:57||- Okay, well...
- Time's up.|
|01:06:59||You said a second.|
|01:07:02||- I want to ask you something. - So you
want to talk for more than a second?|
- What is it then? Like a couple minutes?|
|01:07:08||- No. Yeah, at most, say, like
three minutes. - Fine.|
|01:07:11||- Do you really love Katie?
- Not really.|
|01:07:14||Because I really love her, man.|
|01:07:16||And if you have one ounce of decency,
you will do the right thing and let her go.|
|01:07:21||- No way!
- No way?|
|01:07:23||Fuck no, dude. She's hot!
In fact, fuck off.|
|01:07:26||I will not fuck off.|
|01:07:28||You're making a really
big mistake, buddy,|
|01:07:31||because that woman
is not your plaything.|
|01:07:39||- I'm sick of talking about this with you.
|01:08:00||So this is the skylab
|01:08:03||Is this gonna save my camp?|
|01:08:05||I don't know. But if it does,
we'll all be heroes.|
|01:08:07||In fact, I just got word
that if we pull this off,|
|01:08:10||I could be up for the Hopkins
prize for physics.|
|01:08:13||The Hopkins! Baby, what a dream.
You'll finally get your tenure.|
|01:08:32||Be proud of who you are.|
|01:08:40||- It isn't about the girl.
- It isn't?|
|01:08:45||Well, it is,|
|01:08:48||but see if you
can follow me here.|
|01:09:01||So it is and it isn't.|
|01:09:12||You are ready to be taught
the new way.|
|01:09:18||Will you help teach me
|01:09:24||What is it?
A "new way"?|
|01:10:58||Abby. Abby, my lover,
my friend. Abby!|
|01:11:09||- Hey, Neil, what's up?
- Victor abandoned the raft trip,|
|01:11:13||and now the kids are about to
go over devil's canyon rapids!|
|01:11:20||- Where did he go?
- He wanted to get back to camp.|
|01:11:22||So you left the campers
alone on the river?|
|01:11:25||Only Victor knows how
to navigate those rapids.|
|01:11:27||We've got to find him and get him
back to that river.|
|01:11:33||- We lost him, goddamn it!
- I've got him!|
|01:11:35||- Where is he?
- He's calling from inside the camp.|
|01:11:37||The only other phone is in
the infirmary! We gotta go!|
|01:11:49||Beth, what's the matter?|
|01:11:51||The phone! Where's
the fucking phone?|
|01:11:55||In the back room.|
|01:12:14||We're losing time!|
|01:12:25||I want to make love to you!|
|01:12:37||Um, you're gonna think
this is so shallow,|
|01:12:40||- but what was your name again?
- Oh, my God.|
|01:12:43||Do you have any idea...|
|01:12:47||What I had to go through
to see you?|
|01:12:51||You snooze, you lose, dude.|
|01:12:56||Victor pulak, there's a raft of campers
about to go over devil's canyon rapids!|
|01:13:02||Are you gonna be part of the
problem, or are you the solution?|
|01:13:22||Here we go.|
|01:13:28||- Oh, fuck my cock!
- What does it say?|
|01:13:32||According to this readout, skylab is
going to land directly on the rec hall.|
|01:13:35||Oh, no. When?|
|01:13:37||- Sometime in the next 90 minutes.
- Oh, my God!|
|01:13:40||- That's only one mix tape.
- The talent show's starting right now!|
|01:13:44||- Good evening, firewood!
- Are you ready for some talent?|
|01:13:50||- Beth, we have to evacuate the
rec hall immediately! - Yeah.|
|01:14:07||You're a master, Vic.
What the... what the fu... what?|
|01:14:12||You're doing it.
You're actually doing it.|
|01:14:15||Oh! You saved them!
You saved them!|
|01:14:22||Victor pulak, you're okay by me.|
|01:14:26||I'm okay, you're okay.|
|01:14:29||And Neil, next time we go
camping, you drive the van.|
|01:14:51||I wish there was another way.
Maybe we should just let them die.|
|01:14:53||No! My friend,
Jimmy's, in there.|
|01:14:55||- You have a friend?
- I'm kidding.|
|01:14:58||Wait a minute.|
|01:15:05||Well, there might be a way that
we could use our device...|
|01:15:08||To slightly change
its direction, but...|
|01:15:12||No, it's impossible.|
|01:15:14||Why? What's the problem?|
|01:15:16||In order to do it, we would
somehow have to be able...|
|01:15:19||To repeatedly generate random
numbers between one and twenty...|
|01:15:22||In order to calibrate
|01:15:24||That would take some sort of
super mainframe computer
and we don't have one.|
|01:15:29||So all is lost.|
|01:15:31||No, it's not.|
|01:15:34||Any dungeon master
worth his weight in geldings...|
|01:15:38||Goes nowhere without his...|
|01:15:45||I'd like to introduce us
to the emcee for the evening.|
|01:15:50||We brought him all the way
from kutscher's country club
in the catskill mountains.|
I have some bad news!|
|01:16:00||And my bad news is...|
|01:16:07||And my bad news is... there is
no bad news. I was just joking.|
|01:16:12||Good one, Beth.|
|01:16:14||Let's give a firewood welcome
to Mr. Alan shemper!|
|01:16:21||Thank you very much.|
|01:16:23||Hello, camp firewood.
Thank you for having me.|
|01:16:28||I went to sleep-away camp so
long ago that it was the stone age.|
|01:16:34||Seriously, it wasn't
the stone age.|
|01:16:36||It was the ice age!|
|01:16:39||No, really, it was the stone age.
|01:16:43||actually I went
to camp machnudin...|
|01:16:47||In the pine hills
of Westchester, New York.|
|01:16:49||And that was so long ago...|
|01:16:51||For breakfast we had to eat
scrambled pterodactyl eggs...|
|01:16:55||And raptor bacon!|
|01:16:58||Back then we didn't
have cots, we had slabs.|
|01:17:03||Instead of sleeping bags,
we had sleeping pelts.|
|01:17:14||Our first act hails
all the way from over in bunk 2.|
|01:17:19||And his name is Roger,
the master broom balancer.|
|01:17:41||Right here, right here.|
|01:17:44||Let's pray to God this works.|
|01:17:54||That's from us to bunk 7!|
|01:17:57||- Nine or six, what was it?
|01:18:00||Okay. We're getting closer.
Give me another. Seven.|
|01:18:04||White folks are so stupid
when they get mad.|
|01:18:07||They be like, "hey, asshole,
I'm going to kick your behind."|
|01:18:11||But the brothers don't even need
to raise their voice.|
|01:18:14||These motherfuckers be like,
"don't make me say it twice."|
|01:18:17||That's true, that's true.|
|01:18:19||I hate white people!|
|01:18:21||Be that as it may, this next act
is a guy named Bert flugalman.|
|01:18:26||But it says here
that you all know him as...|
|01:18:57||What are you doing here?|
|01:18:58||I've been thinking
about you a lot.|
|01:19:01||And I want you back.|
|01:19:08||Ron... I love you,|
|01:19:11||and I want to be with you,
|01:19:16||I've just had too many
woulda-coulda-shouldas in my life.|
|01:19:19||Well, I'm just...|
|01:19:21||I'm just sick and tired of being
sick and tired, you know?|
|01:19:25||And if you can't handle that,
then to hell with you!|
|01:19:29||You'll come back to me, Gail.
I know you will.|
|01:19:38||I don't think so,
Ronald Von kleinenshtein.|
|01:19:41||I really don't think so.|
|01:19:50||And now, camp fizzie-poo,
performing the song...|
|01:19:54||"Day by day" from
the musical godspell,|
|01:19:57||is susie's drama group.|
|01:20:01||Before we start,
I'd just like to say...|
|01:20:03||That the campers you're
about to see suck dick.|
|01:20:05||Nevertheless, please welcome them.|
|01:21:30||Well, well, well,
I can honestly say...|
|01:21:34||That there is
no Broadway ditty...|
|01:21:36||Closer to my heart than the one
you just heard, "day bidet."|
|01:21:41||Give me another.|
- There's not much time left.|
|01:21:45||When I was at camp, my favorite
activity was always arts and crafts.|
|01:21:49||Or as we used to call it,
arts and "farts" and crafts.|
|01:21:54||We used to make drawings.|
|01:21:58||Which is my way of saying
we were cavemen.|
|01:22:02||I went to camp so long ago
that I can remember saying...|
|01:22:05||"Sticks and stones may break
my bones," and meaning it!|
|01:22:09||I went to camp so long ago that
fucking Jesus Christ was my counselor!|
|01:22:14||And my best friend
hadn't fully evolved yet.|
|01:22:18||His name was ugh,
and he walked on all fours!|
|01:22:21||There were two epidemics
when I went to camp.|
|01:22:24||Head lice and the plague...
The bubonic plague.|
|01:23:02||Katie, I came here
to tell you I'm leaving.|
|01:23:08||- Uh, what?
|01:23:10||I've grown up a lot since before
dinner when we last talked.|
|01:23:13||- Where are you going?
- I don't know.|
|01:23:17||Maybe see the world. I got a couple
more weeks before school starts.|
|01:23:27||I want you to have this.|
|01:23:35||Hurry up! I think I can see it
coming towards us!|
|01:23:43||And finally, ladies and germs,
is a dude...|
|01:23:46||Who goes by the name
|01:23:50||Let's give him a hand.|
|01:24:04||Come on, do something.
Or get the fuck off the stage!|
|01:24:32||Is that wind?|
|01:24:52||Oh, my God.|
|01:25:01||Coop, Coop, don't leave.|
Coop, I love you!|
|01:25:10||Yeah, I didn't know it until
this very moment for sure,|
|01:25:13||but now I know, and it feels like
nothing I've ever known before.|
|01:25:18||It feels so good.
I love you.|
|01:25:51||How do I know it's real this time?|
|01:25:53||Because I'm telling you.
That's all I can do.|
|01:25:56||I love you.|
|01:25:58||- Say it again. - I love you,
I love you, Gerald cooperberg!|
|01:26:43||Way to go, guys!|
|01:26:46||Beth, we did it.|
|01:27:23||Baby, that was beautiful!|
|01:27:58||You better write to me.
I'm gonna miss you so much!|
I got it!|
|01:28:12||The Hopkins award!|
|01:28:14||And, NASA's hiring me to go to work
for them at cape canaveral, Florida.|
|01:28:20||I'll have a whole new life!|
|01:28:24||I knew this would happen. I would meet
you, fall in love and you would leave me.|
|01:28:29||Wait, hold on, Beth.
I've already told them,|
|01:28:31||I need an apartment
for two people.|
|01:28:34||- And they'll fly you back here
every summer. - Fuck you!|
|01:28:37||And, Beth, I know we've been
having trouble with, you know...|
|01:28:42||But I was thinking when the
time comes, we can adopt.|
|01:28:45||Shh. It's happened.|
We're gonna have a baby.|
|01:28:51||Oh. Oh, baby!|
|01:28:54||- Good-bye, Beth.
- Oh, hey!|
|01:28:57||Looks like everything
worked out for you two.|
|01:29:00||Yeah, it's the best thing that's
ever happened in my life.|
|01:29:02||I hope you like shrimp cocktail,
because we want you...|
|01:29:04||To be the guest of honor
at our wedding next week.|
|01:29:07||We would be delighted.
But I hope it's not jumbo shrimp...|
|01:29:09||Because I'm allergic to oxymorons.|
|01:29:36||We saved everyone's life
and they'll never know it.|
|01:29:38||I almost like it better
|01:29:41||It was us rolling the dice
that diverted it, right?|
|01:29:43||- Not the enormous gust of wind, right?
|01:29:47||I feel like this entire summer,
which kind of sucked,|
|01:29:50||has been rejuvenated by the
events of the past 24 hours.|
|01:29:54||Yeah, it's like...
Well, forget it.|
|01:29:59||- You know what?
|01:30:01||You guys are my best friends.
Well, my only friends.|
|01:30:15||- So, this is it, babe.
|01:30:18||So, obviously I think we should get
together in the city next weekend.|
|01:30:21||- I'll call my parents, and you can
talk to your dad and Kim. - Listen.|
|01:30:26||Last night was really great. You were
incredibly romantic and heroic.|
|01:30:31||No doubt about it.
And that's great.|
|01:30:34||But I've thought about it,
and my thing is this:|
|01:30:37||Andy's really hot. And don't
get me wrong, you're cute too.|
|01:30:41||But Andy is like cut from
marble. He's gorgeous.|
|01:30:45||He's like this beautiful face
and this incredible body,|
|01:30:49||and I genuinely don't care
that he's kind of lame.|
|01:30:53||I don't even care
that he cheats on me.|
|01:30:57||And I like you more than
I like Andy, Coop, but I'm 16.|
|01:31:00||And maybe it will be a different story
like when I'm ready to get married.|
|01:31:03||But right now, I'm entirely
about sex. I just want Andy.|
- I wanna take him,|
|01:31:09||and grab him and just fuck
his brains out, you know?|
|01:31:13||So that's where my
priorities are right now.|
|01:31:16||Sex. Specifically with Andy
and not with you.|
|01:31:19||But you're really nice.
Everybody thinks so.|
|01:31:22||And I'm sorry if this isn't the direction
you saw things going between us.|
|01:31:26||I still totally want
to be friends.|
|01:31:29||You better write me
a letter, okay?|
|01:31:40||Katie, let's go.|
|01:32:01||- How you doing?
|01:36:34||I'm sorry, I'm late.
I thought we said 9:30.|
|01:36:36||No, we said 9:00 so we
could be here by 9:30.|