Dumb and Dumber

00:00:30(tires screech)
00:00:42Excuse me.
00:00:44Could you tell me how to get to the medical school?
00:00:47I'm supposed to be doing a lecture in about 20 minutes,
00:00:49and my driver's a bit lost.
00:00:51(Austrian accent) You go straight ahead,
00:00:54and, uh, you make a left over the bridge.
00:00:59That's a lovely accent you have.
00:01:01- New Jersey? - Austria.
00:01:05Austria! Ha ha! Well, then...
00:01:08(Australian accent) G'day, mate.
00:01:12Let's put another shrimp on the barbie.
00:01:15Let's not.
00:01:20Oh.
00:01:27("Boom shack-a-lak" playing)
00:01:37# Boom shack-a-lak-a, what the people want #
00:01:39# Women them a flex and the men them a chant #
00:01:42# 'Ca' the '60s style, it have fe come back #
00:01:44# Draw fe bell-bottom, block heel and frock #
00:01:46# Boom shak-a-lak, rude boy #
00:01:49# Here when we tell them now, sir #
00:01:52# Wine your body, wriggle your belly #
00:01:56# Dip and go down-ee in the new stylee #
00:01:59# Wine and go up, wine and go down #
00:02:03# Bubble and a rocka to the new style around #
00:02:06# You fe line it up, you fe wine it up #
00:02:10# Do the Boom shak-a-lak till the dance hall fill up #
00:02:13# I say the Boom shack-a-lak are the brand new style #
00:02:17# Wicked say it wicked, jah jah, no say it wild #
00:02:21# Ragamuffin style fe the discipline child #
00:02:24# Dip and go downa 'ca' it well versatile #
00:02:27# You fe move fe your waist, move fe your back #
00:02:31# Wine and go down, do the shack-a-lak-a-lak #
00:02:35# Get in a groove 'ca' you are the top notch #
00:02:38# Bubble and a wine gal right 'pon the spot. #
00:02:40Now, who's got the wiener schnitzel?
00:02:43(dog barks)
00:02:44Beautiful. There you go, Dolf.
00:02:46There you go, buddy. Yeah.
00:02:49Let's see.
00:02:51Next, we got roast beef au jus.
00:02:53(dog whines)
00:02:55Who's got the roast beef au jus?
00:02:57Stella, beautiful. Bon appetit, Stella.
00:02:59Oui oui, yeah.
00:03:01Walk away. Go on. Go on.
00:03:03Last but not least... foot-long!
00:03:06- Who's got the foot-long? - (whimpering)
00:03:09There you... very funny, rascal.
00:03:11Very funny. In your dreams.
00:03:13Man: Harry, why haven't you dropped those dogs off at the show yet?
00:03:16Uh, sir, I didn't want to send them
00:03:19to a performance on an empty stomach, sir.
00:03:21- Get a move on it! - Yes, sir.
00:03:24Mutt cutts. 10-4.
00:03:27(all whining)
00:03:31(horn honks)
00:03:36(honks)
00:03:41(tires screech)
00:03:45Whew.
00:03:47Suck me sideways.
00:04:02Hello. How are you?
00:04:05(romantic pop music playing)
00:04:07Uh-uh-uh... uh... uh-uh-uh...
00:04:11I'll be out in one minute.
00:04:12(mumbles)
00:04:19Ow.
00:04:30(inhales)
00:04:32(exhales)
00:04:42Why are you going to the airport?
00:04:44Flying somewhere?
00:04:46How'd you guess?
00:04:48I saw your luggage.
00:04:49Then when I noticed the airline ticket,
00:04:51I put two and two together.
00:04:53So where're you headed?
00:04:55Aspen.
00:04:57Mmm... California.
00:04:59Beautiful.
00:05:03Name's Christmas, Lloyd Christmas.
00:05:06I'm Mary Swanson.
00:05:09This isn't my real job, you know.
00:05:12- No? - Nope, my friend Harry and I
00:05:14are saving up our money to open our own pet store.
00:05:16That's nice.
00:05:19- I got worms. - I beg your pardon?
00:05:22That's what we're going to call it... I Got Worms.
00:05:26We're going to specialize in selling worm farms,
00:05:28you know, like ant farms.
00:05:32What's the matter?
00:05:34A little tense about the flight?
00:05:37Something like that.
00:05:39There's really nothing to worry about, Mary.
00:05:42Statistically, they say you're more likely
00:05:44to get killed on the way to the airport,
00:05:46you know, like in a head-on crash or flying off a cliff
00:05:49or getting trapped under a gas truck...
00:05:51That's the worst. I have this cousin...
00:05:53well, I had this cousin.
00:05:54Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?
00:05:58Oh. Yeah.
00:05:59Good thinking.
00:06:01Can't be too careful.
00:06:03A lot of bad drivers out there.
00:06:05(tires screeching)
00:06:11Hey, watch it!
00:06:16(dogs whimpering)
00:06:19(tires screech)
00:06:22Okay, gang, you know the rules...
00:06:24no humping, no pushing, no sniffing heinies.
00:06:27Where have you been? My dogs were supposed to be here 40 minutes ago!
00:06:31Now I hardly have any time to primp them.
00:06:33Don't worry about a thing, Mrs. Neugy-burger.
00:06:35- Neugeboren! - Neug-neug-neug...
00:06:37- Boren! - Boren.
00:06:39These pooches aren't going to need any primping.
00:06:41You know why? I'll tell you why.
00:06:42Because I bathed them and I clipped them myself.
00:06:45And I stand by my performance.
00:06:53(whimpering)
00:06:57You know, on second thought,
00:06:59you might just want to run a comb through 'em.
00:07:02Male voice: The white zone is for the immediate
00:07:03Male voice: The white zone is for the immediate
00:07:04loading and unloading of passengers only.
00:07:07No parking.
00:07:10Thanks. Here you go.
00:07:13Oh no, Mary.
00:07:16I couldn't possibly accept that,
00:07:18not after all we've been through.
00:07:23Thank you, Lloyd.
00:07:25- Uh, good luck with your worms. - Yeah.
00:07:29Hey.
00:07:32How about a hug?
00:07:33The white zone is for the immediate
00:07:35loading and unloading of passengers only.
00:07:38No parking.
00:07:47Oh.
00:07:50I hate goodbyes. (chuckles)
00:07:53Oh.
00:07:55(groans)
00:07:59Uh, Lloyd...
00:08:01Shh!
00:08:03(whispers) Just go.
00:08:09(romantic pop music playing)
00:08:27(voice wavering) Be strong.
00:08:35(sighs)
00:08:43Woman over PA: Mr. Dan Mitchell,
00:08:45please pick up the white courtesy phone.
00:08:47Mr. Dan Mitchell, please pick up the white courtesy phone...
00:08:51She's gonna leave the briefcase near the escalator.
00:08:55- You make the pickup. - Piece of cake.
00:09:07# Goodbye, my lo... # ugh!
00:09:12(laughs)
00:09:16Hi!
00:09:18Passenger Maura Tadge,
00:09:21please pick up the white courtesy phone.
00:09:23You have a message.
00:09:25Passenger Maura Tadge.
00:09:33(yells) Agh! Mary!
00:09:36Man: There's our payday.
00:09:40She left it. Let's go.
00:09:42Lloyd: Excuse me! Coming through!
00:09:47Move it or lose it, sister!
00:09:54Hey!
00:09:57(panting)
00:09:59Eenie...
00:10:00meenie... minie...
00:10:03mo!
00:10:12Hold that plane!
00:10:14Sir, you can't go in there!
00:10:16It's okay!
00:10:18I'm a limo driver!
00:10:24- Agh! - (thuds)
00:10:27Whew...
00:10:29(moaning)
00:10:35(tires screech)
00:10:39(sirens blaring in distance)
00:10:48Hi, Lloyd.
00:10:50Hi, Harry.
00:10:51- How was your day? - Not bad.
00:10:54Fell off the jetway again.
00:11:02Who the hell you figure
00:11:04this guy's working for, anyway?
00:11:06I don't know.
00:11:10We sure as hell better find out.
00:11:17The ulcer?
00:11:18I'll live.
00:11:20(bird chirping)
00:11:28- So you got fired again, huh? - Oh, yeah.
00:11:31They always freak out when you leave the scene of an accident, you know?
00:11:37Yeah, well, I lost my job too.
00:11:40Man! You are one pathetic loser.
00:11:45(laughing) No offense.
00:11:48No. None taken.
00:11:52Ha ha ha!
00:11:54You know what really chaffs my ass, though?
00:11:57I spent my life's savings
00:11:59turning my van into a dog.
00:12:01Hi, Petey!
00:12:03The alarm alone cost me 200.
00:12:05Hey! Chicks love it.
00:12:07It's a shaggin' wagon.
00:12:09What's with the briefcase?
00:12:15It's a love memento.
00:12:17The most beautiful woman alive,
00:12:20I drove her to the airport.
00:12:22Sparks flew, emotions ran high.
00:12:25She actually talked to me, man.
00:12:28Get outta here.
00:12:30Oh, yeah yeah. Tractor beam...
00:12:33(humming whistle) Sucked me right in.
00:12:36Anyway... (inhales deeply)
00:12:39She left this in the terminal
00:12:41and flew to Aspen and out of my life.
00:12:44What's in it?
00:12:48Man... I would have to be a lowlife
00:12:50to go rootin' around in somebody else's private property.
00:12:54- Is it locked? - Yeah, really well.
00:12:57(knock on door)
00:13:05Harry: There's two of them. One of them's got a gun.
00:13:09Did you pay the gas bill?
00:13:13Hey...
00:13:15(whispering) Do you realize what you've done?
00:13:17I'm sorry. I say we bail.
00:13:19Okay.
00:13:28- (slams) - Briefcase ain't here.
00:13:31They must have taken it with them.
00:13:34Well, he's got to come home sometime.
00:13:36Maybe we should trash the place,
00:13:37send him a little message.
00:13:41I don't think he's going to get that message, Joe.
00:13:43I mean, the guy's got worms in his living room.
00:13:46Well.
00:13:48Oh, I got a better idea.
00:13:53"I thought I taw a puddy cat.
00:13:56I did. I did."
00:13:58(squawks)
00:14:01(cracking)
00:14:13I can't believe we drove around all day
00:14:16and there's not a single job in this town.
00:14:19There is nothing, nada, zip!
00:14:21Yeah, unless you want to work 40 hours a week.
00:14:24Pfft!
00:14:25Here. I'm going to go to the store.
00:14:27Okay, just get the bare essentials.
00:14:29This is the last of our dough.
00:14:31Hey. What do I look like?
00:14:34# Take a little walk to the edge of town #
00:14:37# Go across the tracks #
00:14:41# Where the viaduct looms #
00:14:44# Like a bird of doom #
00:14:46# As it shifts and cracks #
00:14:49# Where secrets lie in the border fires #
00:14:54# In the humming wires #
00:14:56# Hey, man, you know you're never coming back #
00:14:59# Past the square, past the bridge... #
00:15:01# Past the mills, past the stack... #
00:15:03(grunting)
00:15:06# On a gathering storm #
00:15:08# Comes a tall handsome man... #
00:15:10Cripes!
00:15:12# In a dusty black coat with a red right hand. #
00:15:21Excuse me, little old lady.
00:15:22(tires screech)
00:15:27Uh, do you have change for a dollar?
00:15:30Change?
00:15:31No, I'm sorry. I don't.
00:15:33Oh... well, uh,
00:15:35could you do me a favor and watch my stuff here
00:15:38while I go break a dollar?
00:15:40- Of course. - Thanks.
00:15:42Hey. I guess they're right.
00:15:46Senior citizens,
00:15:47although slow and dangerous behind the wheel,
00:15:50can still serve a purpose.
00:15:53I'll be right back. Don't you go dying on me!
00:16:01- Ugh! - Where's the booze?
00:16:04I got robbed by a sweet old lady
00:16:07on a motorized cart.
00:16:10I didn't even see it coming.
00:16:12Oh...
00:16:14- Harry? - No...
00:16:16- No... - Harry. Come on, Harry.
00:16:18Cheer up.
00:16:20It gets worse, Lloyd.
00:16:22My parakeet Petey...
00:16:24- Yeah? ...he's dead.
00:16:27(gasps)
00:16:30Aw...
00:16:31Oh, man. I'm sorry, Harry.
00:16:33What happened?
00:16:36His head fell off.
00:16:38His head fell off?
00:16:40Yeah, he was pretty old.
00:16:46Ugh!
00:16:47That's it.
00:16:49I've had it with this dump!
00:16:52We got no food. We got no jobs.
00:16:55(yells) Our pets' heads are falling off!
00:16:57Okay, just calm down!
00:16:59What the hell are we doing here, Harry?
00:17:01We gotta get out of this town!
00:17:03Yeah? And go where? Where are we gonna go?
00:17:06I'll tell you where,
00:17:09someplace warm...
00:17:11a place where the beer flows like wine,
00:17:13where beautiful women instinctively flock
00:17:15like the salmon of Capistrano.
00:17:19I'm talking about a little place called...
00:17:21Aspen.
00:17:24I don't know, Lloyd. The French are assholes.
00:17:27Wait a minute.
00:17:32Wait a minute! I know what you're up to, mister.
00:17:34Yeah! You just wanna go to Aspen
00:17:37and find that girl who lost her briefcase,
00:17:39and you need me to drive you there!
00:17:42- Right? Am I right? - Yeah. So?
00:17:44- Am I right? Am I right? - Yeah! So?
00:17:48So I wanna go someplace where we know somebody
00:17:50who can plug us into the social pipeline.
00:17:52No! No no no! No, Lloyd!
00:17:54No! I say we stay here, we hunt for jobs,
00:17:57and we keep saving our money for the worm store!
00:18:00I don't know about you,
00:18:02but I am getting sick and tired
00:18:04of-of running from creditors!
00:18:05You know what I'm sick and tired of, Harry?
00:18:11I'm sick and tired of having to eke my way through life.
00:18:19I'm sick and tired of being a nobody.
00:18:22But most of all...
00:18:29I'm sick and tired of having nobody.
00:18:33(soft piano music playing)
00:18:34Okay, Lloyd.
00:18:40Aspen it is.
00:18:46You'd better not be foolin'.
00:18:48(chuckles)
00:18:52(crying)
00:18:54Okay okay,
00:18:57just let it out. Have a good cry.
00:18:59Come on.
00:19:01Okay.
00:19:03(sobbing)
00:19:05Okay, that's enough.
00:19:13# I never met a girl #
00:19:16# Who made me feel the way that you do #
00:19:19# You're all right #
00:19:21# Whenever I'm asked who makes my dreams real #
00:19:24# I tell them you do, you're outta sight #
00:19:28# I'm bringin' you a love that's true #
00:19:31# So get ready, get ready #
00:19:35# I'm gonna try to make you love me too #
00:19:38# So get ready, get ready, here I come #
00:19:43# Get ready 'cause here I come... #
00:19:45Lloyd, what are you doing?
00:19:47It feels like you're running at an incredible rate, Harry.
00:19:49Would you quit it? We're not even through Connecticut yet,
00:19:51and already you're annoying me.
00:19:53- Sorry. - Jeez.
00:19:55- We're really doing it, aren't we? - Yeah.
00:19:59Hey, where'd you get those?
00:20:01I bought them when we filled up.
00:20:04Well... (stutters) We're supposed to talk
00:20:06about all expenditures, Lloyd.
00:20:08We're on a very tight budget.
00:20:10This didn't come out of our travel fund.
00:20:12Oh.
00:20:14No, I was able to raise 25 extra bucks
00:20:16before we left.
00:20:18Where did you get 25 extra bucks?
00:20:21I sold some stuff to Billy in 4C.
00:20:24The blind kid?
00:20:26Yeah!
00:20:28Yeah.
00:20:30What did you sell him, Lloyd?
00:20:34Stuff.
00:20:36- What kind of stuff? - I don't know.
00:20:39A few baseball cards, a sack of marbles...
00:20:42(coughs) Petey.
00:20:45Petey?
00:20:47You sold my dead bird to a blind kid?
00:20:50Lloyd, that-that... what are you...
00:20:53Petey didn't even have a head!
00:20:56Harry, I took care of it.
00:21:02Pretty bird.
00:21:04Yeah. Can you say, "pretty bird"?
00:21:06Pretty bird.
00:21:07Yes, pretty bird.
00:21:10Pretty bird.
00:21:16Polly want a cracker?
00:21:21Those rat bastards.
00:21:23They're rubbing it right in our faces.
00:21:25Man, Andre'll have a goddamn hemorrhage
00:21:27if we don't get that briefcase back.
00:21:29They must have been following us for weeks.
00:21:31- Why you say? - "Gas Man."
00:21:34How the hell do they know that I got gas?
00:21:37They gotta be pros.
00:21:40Don't worry. We're going to get that money back.
00:21:44And I'll tell you something else,
00:21:47they ain't never getting to Aspen.
00:21:49I'm going to see to that.
00:21:57Lloyd: They got The Monkees.
00:21:59They were a major influence on The Beatles.
00:22:01Yeah, I know.
00:22:05Excuse me, Flo?
00:22:07(both laughing)
00:22:15Flo, like the TV show.
00:22:19Uh... what is the "soup du jour"?
00:22:22It's the soup of the day.
00:22:24Mm-hmm...
00:22:26That sounds good. I'll have that.
00:22:29Anything else before I leave the area?
00:22:31No... yeah...
00:22:33yes yes, my soda's flat.
00:22:35It doesn't have any bubbles.
00:22:45Happy now?
00:22:51Feels good to mingle with these laid-back country folk,
00:22:53don't it, Harr? I like it a lot.
00:22:59- Uh-oh. - What? What's the matter?
00:23:03(blows)
00:23:05You spilled the salt, that's what's the matter.
00:23:08Spilling the salt is very bad luck.
00:23:11We're driving across the country.
00:23:13The last thing we need is bad luck.
00:23:15Quick. Toss some salt over your right shoulder.
00:23:21(thumps)
00:23:24Uh-oh, too little too late, Harry.
00:23:30Who's the dead man that hit me with the salt shaker?
00:23:34(crowd murmuring)
00:23:39(humming)
00:23:44Harry: Well... uh...
00:23:46it was a terrible mistake, sir.
00:23:48Please, believe me. I would never do anything
00:23:50to offend a man of your size.
00:23:52Kick his ass, Sea Bass!
00:23:57You gonna eat that?
00:23:59What? That? No... yes... no.
00:24:00Well... no, it crossed my mind.
00:24:02Yeah.
00:24:04(snorts, hawks)
00:24:18Still want it?
00:24:20Nah, you go ahead.
00:24:28You really wimped out, man.
00:24:32What are you talking about, wimped out?
00:24:34Well-well, did you... the guy hawked on my burger!
00:24:37Hey, wait a second.
00:24:39I think I just...
00:24:41Yeah... I just had an idea.
00:24:49Follow me.
00:24:53Whew.
00:24:58Lloyd: Excuse me. Guys?
00:25:00What the hell do you want?
00:25:01Uh... I just want to apologize
00:25:05for that uh... unpleasant scene
00:25:07a little earlier.
00:25:08My friend Harry and I would, uh...
00:25:12like to buy you guys a...
00:25:14round of beers...
00:25:16just to bury the hatchet.
00:25:18Make it four boilermakers.
00:25:20Whatever you want, sir.
00:25:22I'll have the waitress bring it over immediately.
00:25:27- Lloyd, what are you doing? - (shushing)
00:25:29We can't afford to buy them drinks.
00:25:34Um... excuse me.
00:25:36Sea Bass and the fellas offered to pick up our check.
00:25:40They said just put it on their tab.
00:25:44They're very nice.
00:25:47Sea Bass said that?
00:25:49Well, if uh...
00:25:51that guy at the table over there is Sea Bass.
00:25:58Ah! Uh.
00:26:02All right, if that's what he wants.
00:26:05Put these on there too, okay?
00:26:07You got it.
00:26:15I'm gonna kill those sons of bitches!
00:26:19(both laugh)
00:26:21(both laugh)
00:26:23That was genius, Lloyd, sheer genius!
00:26:25I mean, where did you come up with a scam like that?
00:26:28- Saw it in a movie once. - That was incredible!
00:26:31So what happened? So the guy tricks some sucker
00:26:34into picking up his tab, then gets away with it scot-free?
00:26:37No, in the movie, they catch up to him a half-mile down the road
00:26:41and slit his throat. It was a good one!
00:26:44(laughing)
00:26:46Wow. (grunts)
00:26:49- Harry? - What?
00:26:52I know this isn't the best time, but...
00:26:54- when you get a chance to pull over... - Yeah?
00:26:56- I gotta pee. - What, are you crazy?
00:26:58I'm not pulling over now.
00:26:59But I gotta go! What am I supposed to do?
00:27:01Well-well, whiz in one of the empty beer bottles in the back.
00:27:05They're on the floor. Just get one of...
00:27:07- Jeez, Lloyd! - Quit moving around!
00:27:11Huh! What...
00:27:12Shit!
00:27:14(unzips pants)
00:27:17- Watch the seat! Watch the seat! - Okay!
00:27:18All right!
00:27:21(trickling)
00:27:23Ahh...
00:27:28Ahh...
00:27:29- Uh-oh. - What? What's wrong?
00:27:33The bottle's almost full and I'm still going.
00:27:36- So stop going. - I can't stop going once I've started.
00:27:39It stings.
00:27:41Quick! Get me another bottle.
00:27:42- What? - Come on.
00:27:44Hurry hurry hurry hurry hurry hurry!
00:27:45Come on! Come on!
00:27:47Okay okay, here here here. Hold it!
00:27:53- Hold that. - Jesus.
00:28:01Hold that one.
00:28:03Hurry. I'm pinching it.
00:28:05What are you, a camel?
00:28:07(sighs)
00:28:10- (siren blaring) - Pull over!
00:28:18- Huh? - Pull over!
00:28:22No, it's a cardigan, but thanks for noticing.
00:28:24Yeah. Killer boots, man!
00:28:27Pull your vehicle to the side of the road!
00:28:39License and registration, please.
00:28:46You fellas were going a little fast back there, wouldn't you say?
00:28:51You, uh... you fellas been doing
00:28:53a bit of boozing, have you?
00:28:55Sucking back on Grandpa's old cough medicine?
00:28:58No. Oh no, sir.
00:28:59- No no no. - No, huh-uh.
00:29:01Yeah, well, what's that?
00:29:05- That's nothing, sir. - Yeah, nothing.
00:29:08Yeah well, you aware that it's against the law
00:29:11to have an open alcohol container
00:29:13here in the State of Pennsylvania?
00:29:15Come on, give me that booze,
00:29:16you little pumpkin-pie- haircutted freak!
00:29:18Come on!
00:29:28Sir, no, I- I...
00:29:30No, sir, don't. Don't drink...
00:29:31You'd keep your mouth shut
00:29:33if you knew what was good for you, buddy.
00:29:51Harry: Tic Tac, sir?
00:29:53Get the hell outta here!
00:29:57(coughs, retches)
00:29:59Mary: How could they not have gotten the ransom?
00:30:03It just doesn't make sense.
00:30:05I left the money exactly where they instructed me to.
00:30:08Woman: Oh, it makes perfect sense, Mary.
00:30:10We should have called the authorities
00:30:12the minute we knew that Bobby was kidnapped.
00:30:14Now, Helen, we've been through this already.
00:30:15- Mr. Andre. - Nicholas.
00:30:18- Karl. - Nick Nick Nick.
00:30:22Any word yet, sir?
00:30:23No, nothing yet, Nicholas.
00:30:25(sighs)
00:30:27I've been giving this a lot of thought.
00:30:29Maybe we should cancel
00:30:32the preservation benefit this weekend.
00:30:34It would be so easy to reschedule it.
00:30:36No, I don't think we should do anything out of the ordinary.
00:30:38Yeah, she's right. It's imperative that we carry on as usual...
00:30:41- Okay. ...especially you, Mary.
00:30:43What am I supposed to do,
00:30:45just go about my life like everything is fine?
00:30:47That's exactly what you should do.
00:30:49Yes, go skiing, go to parties, act normally, you know.
00:30:51Yeah, don't you see, honey?
00:30:52We can't let on that anything's wrong.
00:30:54If the press or the authorities get wind of this,
00:30:57the kidnappers may panic.
00:30:58Mm. I mean, you never know
00:31:01what they might do to him then.
00:31:09(snoring)
00:31:20# I saw her sitting in the rain #
00:31:24# Raindrops falling on her #
00:31:27# She didn't seem to care #
00:31:29# She sat there and smiled at me #
00:31:33- # Then I knew # - # I knew, I knew, I knew, I knew #
00:31:37- # She could make me happy # - # Happy happy #
00:31:41# She could make me very happy... #
00:31:43# Flowers in her hair #
00:31:46# Flowers everywhere #
00:31:50# I love the flower-girl #
00:31:53# Oh, I don't know just why #
00:31:55# She simply caught my eye #
00:31:57# I love the flower-girl... #
00:32:00So he says, "Do you love me?"
00:32:02And she says, "No, but that's a real nice ski mask."
00:32:05(all laughing)
00:32:12Hey, man, what's that?
00:32:30(passes gas)
00:32:42# I knew I had to say hello #
00:32:45# Hello hello #
00:32:46# She smiled up at me #
00:32:50# And she took my hand #
00:32:52# And we walked through the park alone #
00:32:56# And I knew #
00:32:58# I knew, I knew, I knew, I knew #
00:33:00# She had made me happy... #
00:33:01Whoo!
00:33:03# Happy happy, she had made me very happy #
00:33:05- # Flowers in her hair... # - (cracks)
00:33:18- (bell rings) - (roaring)
00:33:20(crunches)
00:33:29(yelling)
00:33:33(movements swishing)
00:33:36(high-pitched battle-cries)
00:33:41(trills)
00:33:44(gurgling)
00:33:47(snorts)
00:34:11(shouts)
00:34:13(vocalizes)
00:34:15Ahh...
00:34:18eh?
00:34:21Aah!
00:34:23Aah!
00:34:25(heartbeat thumping)
00:34:37- # Suddenly, the sun broke through # - # See the sun #
00:34:41- # I turned around, she was gone # - # Where did she go? #
00:34:45(grunting)
00:34:47(moaning)
00:34:52Oh! Oh!
00:34:54(groaning)
00:34:57(rips)
00:34:59# Flowers in her hair #
00:35:03# Flowers everywhere #
00:35:07# I love the flower-girl #
00:35:10# Was she reality #
00:35:11# Or just a dream to me? #
00:35:14# I love the flower-girl #
00:35:18(fades) # Her love showed me the way... #
00:35:20- # To find a sunny day. # - (horn honking)
00:35:26Whoa!
00:35:30(backfire)
00:35:32You want me to drive?
00:35:35No, I'm cool.
00:35:46(water bubbling)
00:36:11Yeah!
00:36:13Get her!
00:36:18(chuckles)
00:36:20- Ohh. - (thuds, water splashes)
00:36:22(sighs)
00:36:23This is the life...
00:36:26cold beer, a hot tub and paper-thin walls.
00:36:29(laughs)
00:36:31There's only one thing that could make this moment any better.
00:36:34What's that?
00:36:36If you had a nice set of knockers.
00:36:38(laughs) That's two things, Lloyd.
00:36:41Yeah, well, it's a good thing you're not stacked, Harry,
00:36:44or I'd be banging you right now.
00:36:45(both laugh)
00:36:47I'd show you what a real man can do.
00:36:49Split you like an old piece of firewood.
00:36:56You'd probably like it too, you big homo.
00:36:59Shut up.
00:37:01Don't tell me to shut up, woman.
00:37:08(chuckles)
00:37:13I don't know, Lloyd. You know,
00:37:15this place doesn't really do it for me.
00:37:17It brings back a lot of memories.
00:37:20Pour quoi?
00:37:22It was a few years ago.
00:37:25What happened, Harry? Some little filly break your heart?
00:37:28No, it was a girl.
00:37:30- Oh. - Fraida Felcher.
00:37:31Yeah, we stayed in a place just like this.
00:37:34Wasn't this classy, but, you know, nice.
00:37:36Felcher? From Cranston?
00:37:39Yeah. You know her?
00:37:41Oh, yeah!
00:37:42I mean, I remember you...
00:37:45talking about her.
00:37:47We had the most incredibly romantic time.
00:37:52I thought we were gonna be together forever,
00:37:54and then about a week later, right out of the blue,
00:37:56she sends me a John Deere letter.
00:37:58- She give you any reason? - Yeah, I called her up.
00:38:01She gave me a bunch of crap
00:38:03about me not listening to her enough or something.
00:38:05I don't know. I wasn't really paying attention.
00:38:07But the thing that hurt the most
00:38:09is I think she was seeing another guy.
00:38:15Never did find out who.
00:38:22(vacuum whirring)
00:38:40Mental: Mr. Andre, guess who we just happened upon?
00:38:44- Yeah. - Man: I had plans.
00:38:47- Things I wanted to do. - Yeah.
00:38:49This is where it all ends... at a phone booth.
00:38:51- (man muttering) - Yeah. The boys are holed up
00:38:53in a little love-nest for the night.
00:38:55I think they're a little bit strange.
00:38:58What the hell are these guys up to?
00:39:00I mean, is it possible that they could be feds?
00:39:02Highly unlikely from what I've seen.
00:39:05Sir, did you ever hear
00:39:07of the concept of other people?
00:39:10Um... me being that for the phone,
00:39:14sir.
00:39:15Oh, you turned your back on me.
00:39:18Ho ho ho! He got me mad. I almost like it.
00:39:21You and Shay were supposed to grab that bag
00:39:23- so we could end this shit! - Here's your drink, baby.
00:39:25Do you know the damage I could do to you?
00:39:28Hold on a minute.
00:39:32Hmm.
00:39:34But that's not your problem.
00:39:36You didn't know.
00:39:38Get off the phone.
00:39:43Get off the pho...
00:39:49I'm sorry, Mr. Andre. You were saying?
00:39:52Look, Mental,
00:39:53these jokers have got a lot of money and it belongs to me!
00:39:56Now, I want to know who they are and what they're doing with it!
00:39:59Hey hey hey, I told you already. I'm on it.
00:40:02- All right? - Good.
00:40:09Harry: According to the map,
00:40:10Harry: According to the map,
00:40:11we've only gone about four inches.
00:40:12You know, I don't think
00:40:14we have enough gas money.
00:40:16Relax. We have more than enough.
00:40:19I think you're wrong, Lloyd.
00:40:21How much you wanna bet?
00:40:22I don't bet.
00:40:24What do you mean, you don't bet?
00:40:26I mean I don't bet. I don't gamble.
00:40:27(deep voice) Pussy pussy pussy!
00:40:29- I never have, and I never will. - Yeah, right!
00:40:32I'll bet you 20 bucks I can get you gambling
00:40:35- before the end of the day. - No way.
00:40:37- I'll give you 3-to-1 odds. - Nope.
00:40:39- 5-to-1? - Nope.
00:40:40- 10-to-1? - You're on.
00:40:42(both chuckle)
00:40:46I'm going to get you.
00:40:47- Huh-uh. - Oh, yeah.
00:40:50I don't know how, but I'm going to get you.
00:40:53- Yeah. Oh, yeah. - Nuh-uh.
00:40:56Come on, Joe. Let me do them.
00:40:57Let me do both of them.
00:40:59You wouldn't even have to worry about it.
00:41:01Just shut up!
00:41:02Now, we don't even know who the hell they are.
00:41:05You don't kill people you don't know.
00:41:07That's a rule.
00:41:08Now, I want you to get up here,
00:41:10lie down on the front seat.
00:41:11When they pick me up, you follow us. You got that?
00:41:15Keep your shirt on. I gotta squeeze a lemon.
00:41:24Mental: Hey, hey, hey. Here they come.
00:41:27Stay down, stay down!
00:41:40Say, uh, are you guys going to Davenport?
00:41:43My car died, and I'm late for a luncheon.
00:41:48We usually don't pick up hitchhikers,
00:41:52but I'm going to go with my instinct on this one.
00:41:56Saddle up, partner.
00:41:59You're it.
00:42:01- You're it. - You're it! Quitsies!
00:42:03Anti-quitsies. You're it. Quitsies. No anti-quitsies.
00:42:05- No startsies. - You can't do that.
00:42:07- Can too. - Cannot. Stamped it.
00:42:09Can too. Double-stamped it. No erasies.
00:42:10Cannot. Triple-stamped it. No erasies.
00:42:13You can't triple-stamp a double-stamp!
00:42:15You can't triple-stamp a double-stamp, Lloyd!
00:42:18You can't triple-stamp a double-stamp. Lloyd! Lloyd!
00:42:20Guys! Enough!
00:42:25Hey, you wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world?
00:42:31(screeches)
00:42:33Guys! Guys! Guys!
00:42:38Fellas, you think we could
00:42:42listen to the radio or something?
00:42:46Radio? (laughs)
00:42:48Who needs a radio? Ready, Harry?
00:42:52- # Mock- # - # Yeah #
00:42:54- # -ing- # - # Yeah #
00:42:56- # -bird # - # Yeah #
00:42:58- Lloyd: # Yeah # - # Yeah #
00:43:00Both: # Mockingbird #
00:43:02# Don't... everybody, have you heard? #
00:43:05# She's gonna buy me a mockingbird #
00:43:09# And if that mockingbird don't sing #
00:43:13# She's gonna buy me a diamond ring #
00:43:17# And if that diamond ring don't shine... #
00:43:21Hey, Lloyd, look! There's some people who want a ride too.
00:43:23Pick 'em up!
00:43:26(cows moo)
00:43:28(playing acoustic guitar)
00:43:30- Harry and Lloyd: # Mock- # - # Sí #
00:43:32- # -ing- # - # Sí#
00:43:34- # -bird # - # Sí #
00:43:36Harry and Lloyd: # Sí #
00:43:46Harry: You want an atomic pepper, Mr. Mentaliano?
00:43:50Nah, you guys go ahead.
00:43:53I'll do it if you will, Lloyd.
00:43:55Okay. You go first.
00:43:57No, huh-uh, no, you go first.
00:43:59- No, you go first. - No, you go first.
00:44:01- No, you go first. - I always go first!
00:44:04Why don't you guys both stop acting
00:44:06like a couple of pussies
00:44:08and go at the same time, huh?
00:44:12- That sounds like a dare, Harry. - It's a double-dare.
00:44:15Yeah, okay, you're on.
00:44:18Mmm!
00:44:24- Huh. It's not so bad. - Uh-huh.
00:44:28Yeah. It's more tingly than hot.
00:44:30- Yeah. - (coughing)
00:44:32Agh!
00:44:37(both screaming, gagging)
00:44:43Uh, if you fellas would excuse me,
00:44:45I've got to use the phone.
00:44:47Enjoy your meal, guys.
00:44:49(whimpering)
00:44:51Here, Lloyd, this helps!
00:44:53Here here.
00:44:55It... it works good.
00:44:57Ugh!
00:45:04Yeah, it's Mental. I'm just sitting down
00:45:08- to a nice meal with our boys. - Well, how nice for you.
00:45:11Don't forget that your bread plate is on the left!
00:45:13Look, I can't have these guys running around Aspen.
00:45:16Don't worry. They ain't gonna be runnin' around nowhere
00:45:19after I dump a little rat poison in their Shirley Temple.
00:45:25("The Bear Song" playing)
00:45:27- Good good. - Okay, that's good.
00:45:30Here he comes. Here he comes.
00:45:34Feeling better, girls?
00:45:35Yes, much better. Thank you for asking.
00:45:38# The other side of the mountain was all that he could see, so! #
00:45:42# He went back over the mountain to see what he could see, hey! #
00:45:45So why are you going to Aspen? Vacation?
00:45:49Why don't you eat up and we'll tell you?
00:45:51(both snorting)
00:45:52It just doesn't seem like you packed much.
00:45:55All I saw was one bag and that briefcase.
00:45:58Well, no no, the briefcase isn't even ours.
00:46:00Some lady left it at the airport.
00:46:02We're just bringing it back to her.
00:46:04How's your burger?
00:46:07You mean, you don't even know her?
00:46:10(laughing)
00:46:16I mean,
00:46:18talk about being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
00:46:23# The bear went over the mountain to see what he could see, hey! #
00:46:26# The other side of the mountain was all that he could see, so!
00:46:29# So he went back over the mountain to see what he could see, hey! #
00:46:32# The other side of the mountain was all the he could see! #
00:46:35(kettle whistling)
00:46:43(groaning)
00:46:46(both laughing)
00:46:54Are you okay, man? It was just a goof.
00:46:56Oh, my ulcer!
00:46:58Quick! My pills!
00:47:01Waitress: Maybe somebody should call an ambulance.
00:47:03Look, uh, you get the pills.
00:47:05Don't worry. I know CPR.
00:47:07I'll get the pills.
00:47:08Out with the bad air, in with the good.
00:47:10- Out with the bad air... - Get off!
00:47:16Ugh!
00:47:20Agh, don't! Don't don't!
00:47:22Back back!
00:47:24This is a lot easier if you just lay back.
00:47:27- Here. - He's resisting me!
00:47:30Here. Here we go, here we go.
00:47:33- Lloyd: Pills! - There you go! There you go.
00:47:35- Pills are good! - Take 'em down.
00:47:37- Pills are good! - Drink 'em down.
00:47:39There you go.
00:47:41- There you go, big guy. - That's better!
00:47:43You want some ketchup and mustard?
00:47:45That helped us.
00:47:50Son of a bitch! (gurgling)
00:48:03Check, please.
00:48:08I can't believe it.
00:48:09Life's a fragile thing, Harr.
00:48:12One minute you're chewing on a burger,
00:48:15the next minute you're dead meat.
00:48:17But he blamed me. You heard him.
00:48:20Those were his last words.
00:48:23Not if you count the gurgling sound.
00:48:29- You mean he was poisoned? - No doubt about it.
00:48:32We found these next to the body.
00:48:35- Sir. - Yeah?
00:48:37Waitress says he came in with a couple of younger guys.
00:48:40Now they're the ones who called the ambulance, and then they hit the road.
00:48:43- Get any idea where they were going? - We just received a report
00:48:46that they were seen headed west on l-80 towards Colorado.
00:48:49Did you get a make on the vehicle?
00:48:53Uh, yes, sir.
00:48:55They're driving an '84... sheepdog.
00:48:59(rock music playing)
00:49:00(rock music playing)
00:49:02(tires screech)
00:49:16- # Take... # - (snoring)
00:49:18# Take a picture, take a little time #
00:49:24# No need to dig through the dumpster #
00:49:26# For all the stuff you thought that you'd left behind... #
00:49:32# Take my car #
00:49:35# Drive it to the outside world #
00:49:37# Take it far, farther now from me #
00:49:42# Take it all #
00:49:43# Happy, girl, the fact is #
00:49:46# Take my heart #
00:49:48# Take take take me apart. #
00:49:57Skis, huh?
00:49:58That's right.
00:50:00Great.
00:50:02They yours?
00:50:05Uh-huh.
00:50:10Both of 'em?
00:50:13Yeah.
00:50:15Cool.
00:50:21Um, excuse me, but you're, uh...
00:50:24you're spraying everywhere.
00:50:27Oh!
00:50:30(whistling, urinating)
00:50:49(door opens)
00:50:51(door closes)
00:50:53(footsteps approach)
00:50:57(zips pants)
00:51:10(door rattling)
00:51:18- (screams) - Oh, man, you gotta be shitting me.
00:51:22If it ain't my old friend!
00:51:26And right on time.
00:51:33(whimpering)
00:51:38That's a lot of luggage for a little vacation.
00:51:42- I'm moving to Aspen. - Oh.
00:51:44I've got to get away from my boyfriend. He's such a klutz.
00:51:47Plus, my astrologer told me that I really should stay away
00:51:50from accident-prone guys, so, you know.
00:51:52Oh, well, you know, I...
00:51:57Here. It's a little loose. You might want to...
00:52:00- Mm. Thank you. - Oh, no. Hey, no, allow me.
00:52:03I've got a thing of...
00:52:05here. Got 'em right here. Right here.
00:52:13- (gasoline ignites) - Thank you.
00:52:15Sure. You know, I'm heading up to Aspen myself.
00:52:18Maybe we could, you know, meet up,
00:52:20have some hot chocolate or something.
00:52:23Sure, why not? You seem harmless.
00:52:26I'm going to give you my number.
00:52:27- Let me find a pen though. - Great!
00:52:29- Let's see. - That's... ah!
00:52:31- I know I have one in here somewhere. - Look, why don't you
00:52:34just tell it to me? I got a really good memory.
00:52:36- Well, the number's 555... - 555.
00:52:38905... wait a minute. That's my old number.
00:52:41That is so weird how your mind just goes blank.
00:52:43For God's sakes, just give me the damn number!
00:52:46Okay, look, uh, you gonna get pushy, forget about it.
00:52:56Find a happy place.
00:52:58Find a happy place. Find a happy place.
00:53:01I'll show you a happy place.
00:53:05Here's your happy place.
00:53:15- (yells) - (groans)
00:53:18(panting)
00:53:37(whimpers)
00:53:40(police radio chattering)
00:53:43Man: Move those cars! Move it! Move it!
00:53:52Go around, man. Go around.
00:53:54More flags over here!
00:53:56All right, any sign of them yet?
00:53:58No, sir, but we're expecting them shortly.
00:54:00A motorist saw a pooch about 30 miles back headed this way.
00:54:08Look, I told you what happened, okay? So just drop it.
00:54:12Yeah, okay. Sure thing, Lloyd. Sure thing.
00:54:14I promise not to mention another word
00:54:16about you being in a bathroom
00:54:19with a 6'4" trucker with his pants down.
00:54:21(laughs)
00:54:31Hey, look. We're almost in Colorado.
00:54:34What do you say we change seats?
00:54:36I've been driving for nine straight hours.
00:54:38I don't have the energy to start a new state.
00:54:41Why should I do you any favors?
00:54:43I'll let you kiss me. (laughs)
00:54:46I swear...
00:54:48I'm gonna... I will take your...
00:54:50I'm... I swear to God I'm gonna take your...
00:54:53- Aw, come on... - Don't touch me.
00:54:56(mocking) Oh, okay.
00:55:02I'm done. Okay, enough.
00:55:07(mimics truck horn, giggling)
00:55:14(laughing)
00:55:17Hey, guys. Whoa, Big Gulps, huh?
00:55:20All right.
00:55:22Well, see you later.
00:55:26- (snoring) - Hey, Harry,
00:55:28I got some beef jerk...
00:55:35Some people just weren't cut out for life on the road.
00:55:39("Crash" playing)
00:55:41# Here you go, way too fast #
00:55:44# Don't slow down, you're gonna crash #
00:55:47# You should watch, watch your step #
00:55:50# Don't look out, gonna break your neck #
00:55:52# So shut, shut your mouth #
00:55:55# 'Cause I'm not listening anyhow #
00:55:58# I've had enough, enough of you #
00:56:01# Enough to last a lifetime through #
00:56:04# With you #
00:56:06(fades) # You. #
00:56:11Hey!
00:56:13I was wondering when you were gonna get up.
00:56:17Ha!
00:56:18Well, how long have I been out?
00:56:23I'd say a good five hours.
00:56:30Huh! I expected the Rocky Mountains
00:56:33to be a little rockier than this.
00:56:36I was thinking the same thing.
00:56:39That John Denver's full of shit, man.
00:56:46I'm only human, Harry!
00:56:49Anybody can make a mistake.
00:56:52Come on, stop being a baby!
00:56:56So we backtracked a tad!
00:56:58A tad?!
00:57:00A tad, Lloyd?
00:57:02You drove almost 1/6 of the way
00:57:05across the country in the wrong direction!
00:57:10Now we don't have enough money to get to Aspen!
00:57:13We don't have enough money to get home!
00:57:15We don't have enough money to eat!
00:57:17We don't have enough money to sleep!
00:57:21Well, it's not gonna do us any good
00:57:23to sit here whining about it.
00:57:25- We're in a hole. - ("Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm" playing)
00:57:27We're just going to have to dig ourselves out.
00:57:31Okay, all right. You're right.
00:57:33You're absolutely right, Lloyd.
00:57:35- # Mmm mmm mmm mmm # - Where're you going?
00:57:37- # Mmm mmm mmm mmm # - Home. I'm walking home.
00:57:41Oh, well, pardon me, Mr. Perfect!
00:57:46I guess I forgot
00:57:48that you never, ever make a mistake!
00:57:50(singer vocalizing)
00:58:14Lloyd: Harry!
00:58:17Harry!
00:58:18Harry!
00:58:21Harry! Wait up!
00:58:25- (engine backfires) - (yells)
00:58:34(bell rings)
00:58:36(bird cawing)
00:58:38Got room for one more if you still want to go to Aspen.
00:58:41Where did you find that?
00:58:43Some kid back in town.
00:58:46Traded the van for it straight up.
00:58:48I can get 70 miles to the gallon on this hog.
00:58:57You know, Lloyd, just when I think
00:59:00you couldn't possibly be any dumber,
00:59:03you go and do something like this...
00:59:07and totally redeem yourself!
00:59:11Ha ha!
00:59:14- Still wanna go to Aspen? - Oh, yeah!
00:59:17- Okay, let's go, buddy! - Super!
00:59:20- (bell rings) - ("Where I Find My Heaven" playing)
00:59:23- Lloyd, no! West! Go west, Lloyd! - Oh! Oh, yeah.
00:59:36# Hey, Monday morning #
00:59:39# Is only for the brave #
00:59:43# And the blood flows through my heart and veins #
00:59:46# Like sand as I shave #
00:59:50# And the wind outside #
00:59:53# And the taxi's ready... #
00:59:56- (horn honks) - # And the lonesome hum #
00:59:59# That comes from my desk lamp #
01:00:02# Is where I find my heaven #
01:00:05# It's where I find my heaven... #
01:00:12I've got to... I've got to stop
01:00:15to go to the bathroom.
01:00:17Just go, man.
01:00:21Oh!
01:00:24That sure is warm.
01:00:31# It's where I find my heaven #
01:00:34- # It's where I find my heaven # - # Where I find my... #
01:00:37# It's where I find my heaven... #
01:00:40(truck horn honks)
01:00:42# Heav... #
01:00:46# Heaven. #
01:00:59(both shivering)
01:01:08(bell tolling)
01:01:28We're there.
01:01:38Got a little nippy
01:01:40going through the pass back there.
01:01:45Lloyd: Isn't this incredible?
01:01:48- What more could two single guys want? - How about some food?
01:01:51I swallowed a big June bug when we were driving.
01:01:54I'm not really hungry.
01:01:55Well, I'm starving.
01:01:57Ho... Jeez, look at the butt on that.
01:02:01Lloyd: Yeah.
01:02:03He must work out.
01:02:06Hey! Why don't we get busy
01:02:08and deliver the briefcase to Mary?
01:02:10If I know her as well as I think I do
01:02:11she'll invite us right in for tea and strumpets.
01:02:14Good plan. Where does she live?
01:02:16I don't know.
01:02:18What's her last name? I'll look it up.
01:02:20Uh...
01:02:22You know, I don't really recall.
01:02:26Starts with an "S."
01:02:28S-swim, Swamie, S-slippy, Slappy,
01:02:32Slimin, Solmon, Simin, Sal,
01:02:35Swenson, Swanson?
01:02:36Maybe it's on the briefcase.
01:02:38Oh, yeah! It's right here.
01:02:40Samsonite! I was way off.
01:02:42I knew it started with an "S" though.
01:02:46I'm not seeing it here, Lloyd.
01:02:48She must be unlisted.
01:02:53Great.
01:02:55So what are we supposed to do now?
01:02:57(fox howls)
01:03:01- I can't feel my fi-fingers anymore. - (wind whistling)
01:03:05They're-they're- they're numb.
01:03:09Ooh. Maybe you should wear these extra gloves.
01:03:13My hands are starting to get sweaty.
01:03:15Extra gloves?
01:03:19You've had this pair
01:03:21of extra gloves this whole time?
01:03:25Yeah. We're in the Rockies.
01:03:30I'm going to kill you.
01:03:33- What? - I'm gonna kill you!
01:03:36- I'm gonna kill you, Lloyd! - Calm down!
01:03:39Right now, I'm gonna kill you!
01:03:41Harry, you got that crazy look in your eye!
01:03:45(chuckles) I know what I'm going to do.
01:03:49- What are you doing? - I'm going to do something
01:03:51I should have done a long time ago.
01:03:55Don't do anything foolish, Harry!
01:03:56What? Foolish? This isn't foolish!
01:03:59I'm going to toss this damn curse
01:04:01right into that damn pond!
01:04:03Aah!
01:04:07- I'm going to do it! - No, Harry!
01:04:12(screams) Harry!
01:04:15Your hands are freezing!
01:04:17Aah! Ugh!
01:04:20Harry, look!
01:04:22Look! Look!
01:04:30Okay, here's the plan:
01:04:32We borrow a few bucks... just a small loan from the briefcase
01:04:35- and we find some reasonable lodgings. - Good plan.
01:04:38And we'll keep track of all the money we spend with IOUs.
01:04:41We'll be meticulous, right down to the last penny.
01:04:43- Whatever we borrow, we pay back. - Absolutely.
01:04:45- We're good for it. - Our word is our bond.
01:04:49This is the Hotel Danbury
01:04:52Presidential Suite, gentlemen,
01:04:54normally reserved for royalty,
01:04:56visiting dignitaries,
01:04:57illustrious stars of stage and screen.
01:05:00We have shortly coming the Emperor and Empress of Japan,
01:05:03and of course, Princess Charles and Di when they were together
01:05:06used to frequent the hotel constantly.
01:05:08We'll take it!
01:05:10- (engine revs) - ("You Sexy Thing" playing)
01:05:19# I believe in miracles, baby #
01:05:23# Since you came along, you sexy thing #
01:05:26# You sexy thing, you #
01:05:28# I believe in miracles, baby #
01:05:31# Since you came along #
01:05:34- # You sexy thing # - # You sexy thing, you... #
01:05:40There you go.
01:05:43- There you go. - Thank you, sir.
01:05:45- There you go. - Thank you, sir.
01:05:47- There you go. - Thank you, sir.
01:05:49There you go.
01:05:53Hi.
01:05:55(both sobbing)
01:05:57Narrator on TV: Rain brought them to him.
01:05:59Girl on TV: My mother was Sarah Carver.
01:06:01Narrator: Although at the time, he wasn't sure
01:06:03he wanted to accept the gift.
01:06:06Girl on TV: Nick, do you think he'll let us stay?
01:06:08Nick on TV: No, this place is ugly, anyway.
01:06:10You and me, we're a family.
01:06:13Man: I promise never to give you away.
01:06:16And no one's ever going to break us apart.
01:06:19At Pacific Bell, we believe that's pretty special.
01:06:22- Wow! Boy, this is livin', huh? - Yeah.
01:06:23- Wow! Boy, this is livin', huh? - Yeah.
01:06:25- What's on next? - I don't know.
01:06:28Let me look it up.
01:06:30Ah!
01:06:32Lloyd, you okay?
01:06:34Harry, it's Mary!
01:06:36It's who?
01:06:38Mary with the briefcase.
01:06:40Mary Swanson.
01:06:43Swanson!
01:06:46- Wool hast anool... - "Host annual."
01:06:49- Host anewl... annual... - Annual.
01:06:53"Annual meeting of..."
01:06:55t-t-t-heh...
01:06:57t-he... t-he...
01:06:58- The. - Oh.
01:07:00- "The Inter..." (sighs) - Yeah. It's a big one.
01:07:03"International Preservation Society tomorrow night."
01:07:06("Oh, Pretty Woman" playing)
01:07:09Well, come on, Cinderella.
01:07:11We've got to get you ready for the ball!
01:07:21# Pretty woman, walking down the street #
01:07:24# Pretty woman, the kind I like to meet #
01:07:28# Pretty woman #
01:07:31# I don't believe you, you're not the truth #
01:07:34# No one could look as good as you... #
01:07:41- (grinding) - # Mercy! #
01:07:46# Pretty woman, won't you pardon me? #
01:07:50# Pretty woman, I couldn't help but see #
01:07:54# Pretty woman #
01:07:56# That you look lovely as can be #
01:08:00# Are you lonely just like me? #
01:08:06(singer growls)
01:08:12# Pretty woman, stop awhile #
01:08:16# Pretty woman, talk awhile #
01:08:20# Pretty woman, give your smile to me #
01:08:27# Pretty woman, yeah yeah yeah #
01:08:31- (scissors snipping) - # Pretty woman, look my way #
01:08:35# Pretty woman, say you'll stay with me... #
01:08:41# 'Cause I need you #
01:08:45- # I'll treat you right... # - (loud buzzing)
01:08:48# Come with me, baby #
01:08:52# Be mine tonight... #
01:08:55Yeah!
01:09:00# Pretty woman. #
01:09:02(lounge music playing)
01:09:06Thanks, Barn. There you go.
01:09:08Thank you, sir.
01:09:27Okay okay okay.
01:09:28- Ha! - Cripes!
01:09:30Yes! Yes! Yes!
01:09:36Agh!
01:09:39- Time out! - Okay.
01:09:42Excuse me. Gentlemen, this is a $500-a-plate dinner.
01:09:45- Good night. - Oh, 500... oh, okay. No problem.
01:09:49Here. Put us down for... put us down for four.
01:09:52In case we want seconds.
01:09:55(inhales sharply)
01:10:00Jesus Christ. It's them.
01:10:03- Them who? - Them,
01:10:04the guys who whacked Mental.
01:10:08Can't you just feel it, Harry?
01:10:10This is our big chance, man.
01:10:11All we gotta do
01:10:13is show a little class, a little sophistication,
01:10:16and we're in like a dirty shirt.
01:10:18That's no problem, Lloyd. We can be classy and sophistic...
01:10:20oh, look at the funbags on that hosehound.
01:10:22I'd like to eat her liver with some fava beans
01:10:25and a nice bottle of Chianti.
01:10:27(both mimic Hannibal Lecter)
01:10:29Come on, let's go get a couple bowls of loudmouth soup.
01:10:32Yeah.
01:10:34Hey, bartender,
01:10:36- two martinis, please. - Yes, sir. Right away.
01:10:38Nicholas: Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention, please?
01:10:41The Aspen Preservation Society
01:10:43is the world's foremost defender
01:10:45of 23 endangered species,
01:10:48and it is with tremendous honor
01:10:51that we're able to bring Mr. Swanson forward
01:10:54to introduce us to the 24th. Everybody...
01:10:56Karl.
01:10:58Thank you, Nick.
01:11:02Thank you.
01:11:04Ladies and gentlemen,
01:11:06I give you the Icelandic snow owl.
01:11:09(drum roll)
01:11:13(cymbals crash)
01:11:14(applause)
01:11:17These magnificent specimens constitute one seventh
01:11:20of the snow owl population left on the planet.
01:11:23And God willing, with your help
01:11:26and that of the Society's,
01:11:28these wonderful creatures will flourish once more.
01:11:31Thank you again and enjoy your evening.
01:11:37Can I have some pistachios, please?
01:11:41And another one of those.
01:11:43Lloyd, what are you doing? Would you calm down?
01:11:46I've never seen you so nervous.
01:11:48Keep an eye on 'em, Shay. Keep a close eye.
01:11:52I'm ready for a commitment, Harry.
01:11:54The first time I set eyes on Mary Swanson,
01:11:57I just got that old-fashioned romantic feeling
01:12:01where I'd do anything to bone her.
01:12:03That's a special feeling, Lloyd.
01:12:05- Yeah. - Yeah.
01:12:07Oh my, there she is.
01:12:10Wow! You weren't kidding, Lloyd.
01:12:13She's an angel! (whistles)
01:12:16Well, what are you waiting for?
01:12:18Get over there and talk to her.
01:12:25She's just going to think I'm some kind of a psycho
01:12:27when she finds out how far I came just to see her!
01:12:30You know what you have?! Her briefcase!
01:12:32She's gonna be thrilled to see you.
01:12:35Wait. I have an idea.
01:12:39Why don't you go over
01:12:41and introduce yourself?
01:12:43And that way, you can build me up
01:12:45so I won't have to brag about myself later.
01:12:47Tell her I'm rich
01:12:49and, uh, I'm good-looking
01:12:52and, uh, I have a rapist wit.
01:12:54No, I don't know. I don't think I could... no.
01:12:56- Come on, please. - No, I'm not...
01:12:59- Please! Please! - Okay okay okay. Stop.
01:13:02What are you gonna do?
01:13:04I'm going to hang by the bar,
01:13:06- put out the vibe. - Okay.
01:13:20Nice set of hooters you got there.
01:13:25- I beg your pardon? - The owls, they're beautiful.
01:13:30Oh.
01:13:32Yeah.
01:13:34Are you a bird lover?
01:13:36Me? Oh, no. Well, I used to have a parakeet...
01:13:39- Ah. ...but now my main area of expertise
01:13:41is, uh, canines...
01:13:44"dogs" to the layperson.
01:13:47- Thanks. - Mm-hmm.
01:13:50- I love dogs too. - Oh.
01:13:53- So how are you involved with them? - Oh, you know,
01:13:56I've trained them, bathed them, clipped them.
01:13:59- I've even bred them. - Oh, really?
01:14:00- Any unusual breeding? - No.
01:14:02Mostly just doggy-style.
01:14:05One time, we successfully mated
01:14:08a bulldog with a shih-tzu.
01:14:10Really? That's weird.
01:14:13Yeah. We... we called it a bullshit.
01:14:16(laughing hysterically)
01:14:27Oh, I'm... anyway, the real reason
01:14:29I came over here was to...
01:14:32I've got to introduce you to a buddy of mine.
01:14:35- I don't believe I've met your friend. - Oh.
01:14:38Well, actually, we haven't been properly introduced.
01:14:41- My name is Mary Swanson. - Hi, Harry Dunne.
01:14:43Hi. Nice to meet you. This is my stepmother Helen.
01:14:46Hi. Harry Dunne. Pleasure to meet you both.
01:14:48Mm-hmm. Well, I saw you come in.
01:14:51I was hoping I'd get a chance to meet you.
01:14:53- You were? Really? - Yes! That tuxedo, it's fabulous!
01:14:57Really. I love a man with a sense of humor,
01:15:00and so does Mary. It's hysterical!
01:15:03- Really? - Oh, yes.
01:15:05Oh. Anyway, um, about my friend...
01:15:08What are you doing tomorrow? I believe that Mary
01:15:11is looking for someone to hit the slopes with.
01:15:13She... what? Huh?
01:15:15Helen, you're embarrassing me.
01:15:17Well, you are. I mean, after all,
01:15:19the snow's going to be gone in a couple of weeks.
01:15:22And, well, this may be your last chance.
01:15:24Poor thing, she never gets a chance to get out.
01:15:26Well, what do you say, Mr. Dunne? Are you available?
01:15:28Well, I don't know. See, my friend...
01:15:31Oh, forget your friend for one day.
01:15:33I think you kids'll have a wonderful time. What do you say?
01:15:36Well, you know, I don't know, you know.
01:15:38You know, the thing... part of... sure.
01:15:41What time? Ahem...
01:15:47How come you didn't bring her over?
01:15:50Relax. You're golden.
01:15:52- I got you a date with her tomorrow. - Oh.
01:15:56- (stammers) What... I... this... - Yeah.
01:15:58- I love you, man. - Okay okay.
01:16:00- You're kissing me. - I love you.
01:16:02- I love you! - You're kissing me. Lloyd!
01:16:07This calls for a little of the bubbly!
01:16:10- You're going to be my best man, Harr. - Oh, good.
01:16:12- I promise. - Thank you.
01:16:14You have just earned yourself a seat
01:16:16at the head table, pal. And we already got the tuxes.
01:16:21- (loud thud) - (owl squawks)
01:16:26- Woman: Gracious sakes! - (crowd murmuring)
01:16:29- Man: Good grief! - Boy, this party really died.
01:16:40Hey, maybe it was a coincidence.
01:16:42(mimics) Hey, maybe it was a coincidence.
01:16:45It was a message, Shay, pure and simple.
01:16:48I mean, we killed their bird.
01:16:50Now they killed one of ours.
01:16:55How could anybody whack a bird with a cork?
01:16:58These guys aren't just anybody.
01:17:00They're good.
01:17:09Mary Christmas.
01:17:11Mrs. Mary Christmas.
01:17:16- Kinda catchy, huh, Harr? - Yeah yeah, that sounds nice.
01:17:19But, Lloyd, don't you think you might be jumping the gun a little bit?
01:17:22I mean, you know, who knows?
01:17:24You know, maybe, once you get to know her
01:17:26you'll find out that she's not your type.
01:17:31Hey!
01:17:32Don't you ever say that again!
01:17:37She is the love of my life!
01:17:39The blood in my veins!
01:17:41We belong together...
01:17:43till the mountains fall into the sea,
01:17:45till the heavens collide!
01:17:47Or until I get sick of her and need to move on.
01:17:50- You hear me?! - Okay okay okay okay. Just calm down.
01:17:53Just calm down.
01:17:55(panting) Okay.
01:17:58Now...
01:18:01let me get this straight.
01:18:03Lobby bar in the lobby.
01:18:07Yeah, and that's what she said.
01:18:08She'll meet you there at 10:00 sharp.
01:18:12- Okay. - Okay.
01:18:16Where're you going in that get-up?
01:18:20Oh. I... you know, I just thought, you know,
01:18:22when you'd be off making your love connection
01:18:24I'd be out trying my luck on the slopes.
01:18:27You mean you're gonna go out in public
01:18:29dressed in tights?
01:18:31Oh no, these aren't tights, Lloyd.
01:18:33These are fashionable Euro-trash ski trousers.
01:18:35Pretty revealing.
01:18:39Really?
01:18:40Yeah, but it's just a tiny lump.
01:18:42No one'll notice.
01:18:44You're right. I can't go out dressed like this.
01:18:49("New Age Girl" playing)
01:18:51("New Age Girl" playing)
01:18:53# Rah! #
01:18:56- # I've got a New Age girl # - # Tell us what she's like #
01:19:00- # Environmentalist girl # - # Does she ride a bike? #
01:19:03- # She has a crystal necklace... # - Hey!
01:19:05- Coming! - # She spend a lot of cash? #
01:19:07# Though her vibes are rather reckless #
01:19:09- # Heading for the crash... # - Hey!
01:19:12Man: Nice going, buddy!
01:19:15# ... and she wonders about knowing, where did we begin? #
01:19:17# Mary Moon #
01:19:20- # She's a vegetarian # - # Mary Moon, Mary Moon, Mary Moon #
01:19:24# Mary Moon will help with all the septuagenarians... #
01:19:29- # Mary Moon, Mary Moon, Mary Moon. - Ma'am.
01:19:32# Mary Moon, she's an intellectual... #
01:19:36Beautiful outfit, sir.
01:19:38There you go.
01:19:40# Mary Moon, despite that fact, remains quite sexual #
01:19:43# Mary Moon, Mary Moon, Mary Moon. #
01:19:51Hey. How you doin'?
01:19:53You're a little early.
01:19:55We don't open for about 45 minutes.
01:19:58I'm meeting someone here.
01:20:00- Mind if I wait at the bar? - No. Come on in.
01:20:07It's a beautiful day, huh, Harry?
01:20:10Yes yes, I've had a wonderful time so far. Thank you.
01:20:14God, it feels so good to get up here.
01:20:17I haven't been outside that much in the last couple weeks.
01:20:20Oh, yeah? Why not?
01:20:23Um, there's been some family problems,
01:20:26but I don't want to bore you with those.
01:20:29Thanks.
01:20:31Oh, look. Frost.
01:20:37- Harry? - (grunting)
01:20:43- Are you okay? - (muffled) Oh, yeah,
01:20:45I do this all the time.
01:20:51Let's go to the top this time.
01:21:01- Hi, there. - Ugh...
01:21:05Say, kids,
01:21:06you wouldn't happen to have
01:21:08a cup of warm water, would you?
01:21:11(slurps) Yuck.
01:21:17Excuse me.
01:21:19Is it 10:00 A.M. Yet?
01:21:22It's 1:00.
01:21:27That's what I have too. Thought maybe it was fast.
01:21:34She's running late, huh?
01:21:37Just a couple hours. You know girls.
01:21:40When they're excited about something,
01:21:43everything has to be perfect.
01:21:53This one's on me.
01:21:57Yippee.
01:21:59Chablis, please.
01:22:02Hello.
01:22:06(belching)
01:22:10Bad day, huh?
01:22:13Me too.
01:22:16'Course everything's been bad
01:22:18since I broke up with my boyfriend.
01:22:33(whispers) Oh my God.
01:22:39My God! You poor guy. Does it hurt?
01:22:41I'm fine. I saved a seat for you.
01:22:44(taps)
01:22:46Oh no, listen. This is silly. Let me help you.
01:22:47No no no no no.
01:22:49Yes. It'll only hurt for a moment, like a Band-Aid.
01:22:52- Come on, ready? - No no no no. No.
01:22:54Come on. Go.
01:22:56(grunting)
01:22:58(crackling)
01:23:23# Well, if you want, I'll be by your side #
01:23:26# And if you don't, maybe suicide #
01:23:30# It's my love that'd kill me, dear #
01:23:34# If you won't hold me and have me near #
01:23:37# 'Cause I'll be good to you in every way #
01:23:42# I'll give you loving, baby, every day #
01:23:45# A loving that's good enough, a loving that's all right #
01:23:48# I'll love you like an oven on the coldest night #
01:23:52# Whoo! #
01:23:57(loud thud)
01:24:07# 'Cause if you don't love me, I'll kill myself #
01:24:14# If you don't love me, I'll kill myself #
01:24:21# If you don't love me, I'll kill myself #
01:24:25(screams)
01:24:27# If you don't love me, I'll kill myself #
01:24:34Come on, come on.
01:24:36# If you don't love me. #
01:24:38- (chuckles) - Pfft.
01:24:43What am...
01:24:45(laughing)
01:24:48I said to myself, "Run, Beth.
01:24:50Run for your life before this man kills you both."
01:24:53Then do you know what the klutz did?
01:24:56No, and I don't care!
01:24:59I'm going to tell you, He came home one night dead drunk
01:25:02and decided he wanted to fix the sink.
01:25:04Couldn't believe him.
01:25:05Anyway, enough about me. Let's talk about you.
01:25:08- How come you're here? - Bartender!
01:25:10Yeah?
01:25:12You wouldn't happen to know a Mary Swanson, would you?
01:25:16Mary Swanson? Yeah.
01:25:19She comes in here all the time.
01:25:22What's that supposed to mean?
01:25:24She has dinner.
01:25:25Oh. I'm sorry.
01:25:32Uh...
01:25:33you know where she lives?
01:25:37Yeah, her family has the big place up on Alpine Drive.
01:25:41Alpine Drive? Big place?
01:25:52No way!
01:25:56That's great!
01:25:58We landed on the moon!
01:26:07I've gotta tell you,
01:26:09today was just what I needed. Thanks a lot, Harry.
01:26:12(slurred) Blell, blit blas...
01:26:15it was my pleasure, Mary.
01:26:17So you'll pick me up tonight at 7:45?
01:26:20Well, no, I've got a few things
01:26:22to take care of first.
01:26:24Why don't we make it quarter to 8:00?
01:26:25(laughs) Stop it!
01:26:30Okay 7:45.
01:26:34(kisses) Bye.
01:27:21Doesn't make any sense, Lloyd.
01:27:23She told me 10:00 sharp!
01:27:25Are you sure you went to the right bar?
01:27:27Oh, yeah. Yep. I'm pretty sure.
01:27:31Lobby bar. Right in the lobby.
01:27:34Ahh... well...
01:27:38maybe she just had a change of heart.
01:27:40Oh, that pisses me off! That pisses me right off!
01:27:44I hate when women do that, you know?
01:27:46She wanted to see you again!
01:27:48She told me that! And now no?
01:27:49Now... wait a minute! Wait!
01:27:52She must have meant 10:00 at night.
01:27:55Do you think?
01:27:58Why would she have you meet her at a bar at 10:00 in the morning?
01:28:02I just figured she was a raging alcoholic.
01:28:04(both laughing)
01:28:10- Oh, that's th... - And all this time,
01:28:12I've been going through such pain and personal anguish.
01:28:16Such hell! For nothing!
01:28:19Oh, God. That's funny.
01:28:21Oh, that's good stuff. Oh, boy.
01:28:23Well, listen, looks like you got your night planned,
01:28:26so I'm just going to head out and catch a flick.
01:28:29Okay.
01:28:3210:00 in the morning.
01:28:51Hey, Harry, old buddy, old pal!
01:28:54Yeah?
01:28:56Will you join me in a good-luck toast before you head out?
01:28:59Oh, sure thing. Whatever you think will help your chances.
01:29:03Yes, sirree.
01:29:05You know why I like you, Harry?
01:29:07Because you're a regular guy.
01:29:11Yep, that's why I want you to stay regular.
01:29:161/2 teaspoon for fast, effective relief.
01:29:24(whistling)
01:29:31(laughing)
01:29:36Mmm!
01:29:38("Auld Lang Syne" playing)
01:29:41To my friend Harry... the matchmaker.
01:29:45Oh, get out of here. I'm... I've...
01:29:51Mmm.
01:29:53Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
01:29:56Mmm.
01:30:08(stomach rumbles)
01:30:13(doorbell rings)
01:30:15Mary: Hi, the door's open. Come on upstairs.
01:30:23- Hi. - Hi.
01:30:25Hi, make yourself at home, okay?
01:30:26I'm almost ready. One minute?
01:30:28- Okay, sounds good. - Okay.
01:30:41(stomach violently gurgling)
01:31:05(loud sputtering)
01:31:09(trills)
01:31:25(sputtering continues)
01:31:28(sighs)
01:31:30(chuckles)
01:31:37(panting)
01:31:52(knocks)
01:31:54Mary: Harry, are you in there?
01:31:56Be right out!
01:31:59I hope you're not using the toilet. It's broken.
01:32:02(ominous music plays)
01:32:05- Huh? - The toilet doesn't flush.
01:32:09No, I was just shaving.
01:32:11Shaving?
01:32:14Yeah, I was running a little late.
01:32:16I thought this would save some time.
01:32:21Okay well, I'll be in the kitchen whenever you're ready.
01:32:27Oh, Jeez!
01:32:30- (laughing maniacally) - (whimsical music playing)
01:32:32- (laughing maniacally) - (whimsical music playing)
01:32:45Tomorrow on "A Current Affair,"
01:32:47inside the home of the Menendez brothers' attorney.
01:32:50And next, we'll be back in a minute
01:32:52with the heartbreaking story of the blind Rhode Island boy
01:32:57who was duped into buying a dead parakeet.
01:33:00I just thought he was real quiet.
01:33:07Who are these sick people?
01:33:09(doorbell rings)
01:33:14- Hi! - Hi.
01:33:16Yes?
01:33:18Remember me?
01:33:21Uh... not really.
01:33:24Providen... Providence.
01:33:28I drove you to the airport last week.
01:33:31Oh my God!
01:33:32Uh... Lloyd, right?
01:33:35You remembered my name.
01:33:39What are you doing in Aspen?
01:33:41I brought you your briefcase.
01:33:43You left it at the airport, you big goof!
01:33:47- You have my briefcase? - Yeah.
01:33:50Hey, I have it at my hotel room.
01:33:52You want to jump on the bike with me? We can go get it
01:33:54unless... unless you're busy.
01:33:58Oh, no no no! No no!
01:34:00- I don't wanna... - You just wait right here.
01:34:02- Okay. - Okay?
01:34:08Come on, flush, you bastard!
01:34:14Mary: Harry, what are you doing in there?
01:34:17- I'm just... I'm cleaning my teeth! - (clattering)
01:34:35I'm cleaning my teeth.
01:34:39I'm gargling.
01:34:41Just give me a minute, Mary. I'll be right with you.
01:34:44Harry, I'm sorry, but something important's come up,
01:34:46and I've got to run out.
01:34:48It's-it's sort of an emergency. I'll explain later.
01:34:51- But, Mary... - I'm sorry. I've really got to go.
01:34:54I promise we'll do this again sometime.
01:35:08Race you to the top.
01:35:12- Come here. - Agh!
01:35:18Yeah! Ha ha!
01:35:22I won!
01:35:24Look familiar?
01:35:27I don't believe it. You really have it.
01:35:29Of course, I have it.
01:35:31When Lloyd Christmas drives a woman to the airport,
01:35:33he makes sure she gets all her luggage.
01:35:35- That's my whole philosophy. - This is incredible.
01:35:38You mean to say you drove 2,000 miles
01:35:41just for me?
01:35:43Uh... I didn't really have a lot to do.
01:35:50And I know how frustrating it can be
01:35:51to lose a bag.
01:35:54That is so sweet, Lloyd.
01:35:57(kisses)
01:35:59(romantic pop music playing)
01:36:11Look, Mary, I know this may seem a little sudden,
01:36:14but I've given it a lot of thought.
01:36:17You're the woman I've been waiting for my whole life,
01:36:20and I'm not ashamed to admit it.
01:36:22Please... Let me finish.
01:36:26I'm crazy about you.
01:36:29I've never felt this way about anybody.
01:36:32Listen to me.
01:36:35I feel like a schoolboy again,
01:36:38a schoolboy who desperately wants
01:36:41to make sweet sweet love to you.
01:36:53Oh, I thought I heard you talking to someone.
01:36:59Mary, I- I...
01:37:07I desperately want to make love to a schoolboy.
01:37:12- Maybe I should be going. - No no...
01:37:15(stutters)
01:37:17No, I... that's not what I meant.
01:37:23Um... what I meant was, um...
01:37:30God.
01:37:32I-I like you, Mary.
01:37:37I like you a lot.
01:37:42I want to ask you a question straight out, flat out,
01:37:47and I want you to give me an honest answer.
01:37:49What do you think the chances are
01:37:52of a guy like you and a girl like me...
01:37:57ending up together?
01:37:59Well, Lloyd, that's difficult to say.
01:38:02We really don't...
01:38:05Hit me with it! Just give it to me straight!
01:38:07I came a long way just to see you, Mary.
01:38:09Just... the least you can do is level with me.
01:38:12What are my chances?
01:38:14Not good.
01:38:21You mean not good, like one out of 100?
01:38:26I'd say more like one out of a million.
01:38:35So you're telling me there's a chance!
01:38:41Yeah!
01:38:45I read you.
01:38:47(knocks)
01:38:54Hi. We have plenty of towels. Thanks.
01:38:57Nicholas! What are you doing here?
01:39:00I've been looking for you, Mary.
01:39:02I have some news about your husband.
01:39:05Husband?! Wait a minute!
01:39:10What was all that one-in-a-million talk?
01:39:14Aren't you going to invite me in?
01:39:21Beth: Hey, Harry, you never called!
01:39:25What are you doing here?
01:39:31Excuse me, gunman, who are you?
01:39:34Don't play dumb with me, asshole!
01:39:36I'm the rightful owner of that briefcase you've been carrying around!
01:39:39Oh. Well, then...
01:39:41Nicholas, my family trusted you.
01:39:45Shut up!
01:39:48Listen, Mr. Samsonite, about the briefcase...
01:39:52my friend Harry and I have every intention
01:39:54- of fully reimbursing you. - What?
01:39:56You open it up. Open it up!
01:40:00Go ahead, open it up. Do what he says.
01:40:03Hurry.
01:40:09What is this? What is this?
01:40:12Where's all the money?
01:40:14That's as good as money, sir.
01:40:17Those are IOUs. Go ahead and add it up.
01:40:19Every cent's accounted for.
01:40:21Look. See this?
01:40:24That's a car. 275 thou.
01:40:26Might want to hang on to that one.
01:40:32You're a dead man. You're a dead man!
01:40:40Lloyd, I'm home!
01:40:43Look, we've got to have a serious talk.
01:40:47I got a confession to make.
01:40:48Oh, good. You found her.
01:40:50I'll leave you two alone.
01:40:52No. Stay.
01:40:55Ugh!
01:41:00Yes, I'd like a one-way ticket to Amsterdam
01:41:03departing as soon as possible, please.
01:41:06How do you guys know each other?
01:41:09We used to be best friends.
01:41:11Yeah, until he turned into a backstabber.
01:41:13Me a backstabber? You got a lot of nerve.
01:41:16You knew I was crazy about her!
01:41:18And you knew I was crazy about Fraida Felcher,
01:41:20- and that didn't stop you, did it? - (gasps)
01:41:23- What do you mean? - (mimics) What do you mean?
01:41:26Don't deny it, Lloyd.
01:41:28Fraida told me the whole sleazy story, Mr. French Tickler.
01:41:34Okay, what time does it... what time does that leave?
01:41:36Thank you... wait a second.
01:41:38Can I have a vegetarian meal?
01:41:40I guess we both learned a little something
01:41:43- about each other today, didn't we? - Yeah, you said it, pal.
01:41:45Maybe we're not as good of friends as we thought we were.
01:41:47I guess not.
01:41:48I mean, if one beautiful girl can rip us apart like this,
01:41:51then maybe our friendship isn't worth a damn.
01:41:53Maybe we should call it quits right now.
01:41:54You just tell me where to sign, bud.
01:41:56Right on my ass after you kiss it!
01:41:58Kiss it?! You kiss mine!
01:42:00Both cheeks, both lips, right here!
01:42:02- Put it right... - Shut up!
01:42:08Now, which one of you losers wants to get it first?
01:42:12Over here...
01:42:15I was the one that got you into this whole mess.
01:42:17Come on and shoot me.
01:42:20No! Wait! Wait. No no, do me first.
01:42:23I stole your girl, Lloyd. I deserve it.
01:42:25- No, you don't. - Yes, I do.
01:42:27- No, you don't... - Yes, I do!
01:42:29Yesterday was one of the greatest days of my life.
01:42:31Mary and I went skiing, we made a snowman, she touched my leg.
01:42:35Okay, kill him!
01:42:44(sobbing) Oh! Oh, no!
01:42:48You killed my best friend, you bastard!
01:42:51If it's any consolation,
01:42:53you're about to be reunited.
01:42:59(gun clicking)
01:43:01Harry! You're alive!
01:43:05And you're a horrible shot.
01:43:08Lucky me.
01:43:10Police! Open up! Nobody move!
01:43:13Everybody freeze! Get those hands up!
01:43:16Not you, dummy!
01:43:17Man: Get the gun.
01:43:19Special Officer Beth Jordan, FBI.
01:43:22Hey! Who? But... huh?
01:43:23Mr. Dunne, thank you very much.
01:43:25We couldn't have done it without you.
01:43:28We've been following you guys
01:43:30all the way from Providence.
01:43:31What's going on, Harry?
01:43:33Your name is Harry, isn't it?
01:43:37Yeah, she-she grabbed me down the lobby, explained what was up.
01:43:40Then they slapped this bulletproof vest on me
01:43:42and gave me a gun.
01:43:46But what if he shot you in the face?
01:43:50What if he shot me in the face?
01:43:52That's a risk we were willing to take.
01:43:54How come I didn't get a gun?
01:43:56Did you get a gun?
01:43:59# We can't play this game anymore #
01:44:03# But can we still be friends? #
01:44:09# Things just can't go on like before #
01:44:14# But can we still be friends? #
01:44:19# We had something to learn #
01:44:24# Now it's time... #
01:44:26You were right, Lloyd.
01:44:28She was definitely worth the trip.
01:44:31Yeah. She's something, ain't she, Harr?
01:44:35I'm glad we were able to help her out.
01:44:37# You know it's all gone #
01:44:43# Let's admit we made a mistake... #
01:44:47- Honey! - Easy easy.
01:44:49- You're okay. - Okay, I'm just a little sore.
01:44:51I'm sorry. Oh, sweetie.
01:44:54Oh, baby, I missed your loving.
01:44:56Honey, there's someone I want to introduce you to.
01:44:59He's the kindest, gentlest man I've ever met.
01:45:01- Will you meet him? - Sure.
01:45:03He's got a gun!
01:45:08Mary: Lloyd? Lloyd!
01:45:11Huh?
01:45:13I said this is my husband Bobby.
01:45:16- Oh. Hi, Bobby. - Hi.
01:45:19- I'm so happy for you. - Thank you.
01:45:24Thank you both very much.
01:45:26I owe you both a debt of gratitude.
01:45:30Thank you.
01:45:51I can't believe this, Lloyd.
01:45:53First Mary dumps us,
01:45:55then the cops take our nest egg.
01:45:57- Then our hog breaks down. - Yeah!
01:46:00When are we ever gonna catch a break?
01:46:04# Hallelujah #
01:46:07# Hallelujah #
01:46:09# Hallelujah hallelujah #
01:46:11# Hallelujah. #
01:46:16- Hi, y'all. - (speaking foreign language)
01:46:20Hi, guys! We're going on a national bikini tour,
01:46:22and we're looking for two oil boys
01:46:24who can grease us up before each competition.
01:46:31You are in luck!
01:46:33There's a town about three miles that way.
01:46:37I'm sure you'll find a couple guys there.
01:46:42Okay. Thanks.
01:46:44Bye!
01:46:53Do you realize what you've done?
01:46:56- Hey! - Lloyd!
01:47:00Lloyd!
01:47:10You'll have to excuse my friend.
01:47:12He's a little slow.
01:47:15The town is back that way.
01:47:28Wow.
01:47:30Two lucky guys
01:47:32are gonna be driving around with those girls
01:47:34for the next couple of months.
01:47:36Yeah, don't worry.
01:47:38We'll catch our break too.
01:47:40- Just gotta keep our eyes open. - Yeah.
01:47:44# Now, we've been friends forever... #
01:47:45# Now, we've been friends forever... #
01:47:47- You're it. - You're it.
01:47:49You're it. Quitsies.
01:47:51You're it. Anti-quitsies, double-stamp.
01:47:53You're it. Anti-quitsies, triple-stamp.
01:47:56- No erasies, none at all. - You can't triple-stamp.
01:47:58Yes, if you have a double-stamp, of course you can.
01:48:00- You can't triple-stamp! - # La la la la la... #
01:48:02You can't if you have a double-stamp!
01:48:04You can't triple-stamp... the rule!
01:48:06You can't triple-stamp a double-stamp, Lloyd!
01:48:10Lloyd! Lloyd!
01:48:14# And now we're rolling down the hill #
01:48:19# Down the hill. #
01:48:24# Here you go, way too fast #
01:48:28# Don't slow down, you're gonna crash #
01:48:31# You should watch, watch your step #
01:48:34# Don't look out, gonna break your neck #
01:48:36# So shut, shut your mouth #
01:48:39# 'Cause I'm not listenin' anyhow #
01:48:42# I had enough, enough of you #
01:48:45# Enough to last a lifetime through #
01:48:48# So what do you want of me? #
01:48:51# Got no words of sympathy #
01:48:53# And if I go around with you #
01:48:56# You know that I'll get messed up too with you #
01:49:05# Na-na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na-na #
01:49:11# Na-na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na-na #
01:49:15# Here you go, way too fast #
01:49:19# Don't slow down, you're gonna crash #
01:49:21# You don't know what's been going down #
01:49:24# You've been runnin' all over town #
01:49:27# So shut, shut your mouth #
01:49:30# 'Cause I'm not listening anyhow #
01:49:33# I've had enough, enough of you #
01:49:36# Enough to last a lifetime through #
01:49:39# So what do you want of me?
01:49:42# Got no cure for misery #
01:49:44# And if I go around with you #
01:49:47# You know that I'll get messed up too #
01:49:50# With you #
01:49:53# With you #
01:49:56# Na-na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na-na #
01:49:59- # Slow down # - # You're gonna crash #
01:50:01# Na-na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na-na #
01:50:05- # Slow down # - # You're gonna crash #
01:50:24# With you #
01:50:27# With you #
01:50:29# Na-na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na-na #
01:50:33- # Slow down # - # You're gonna crash #
01:50:35# Na-na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na-na #
01:50:39- # Slow down # - # You're gonna crash #
01:50:41# Na-na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na-na #
01:50:44- # Slow down # - # You're gonna crash. #
01:51:10# Well, if you want, I'll be by your side #
01:51:14# And if you don't, maybe suicide #
01:51:18# It's my love that'd kill me, dear #
01:51:22# If you won't hold me and have me near #
01:51:25# Because I'll be good to you in every way #
01:51:29# I'll give you lovin', baby, every day #
01:51:33# A lovin' that's good, a lovin' that's all right #
01:51:36# A lovin' like an oven on the coldest night #
01:51:40# Whoo! #
01:51:54# 'Cause if you don't love me, I'll kill myself #
01:52:02# Yeah, if you don't love me, I'll kill myself #
01:52:09# If you don't love me, I'll kill myself #
01:52:16# If you don't love me, I'll kill myself. #
01:54:21Ripped by: SkyFury

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