Billy Madison

00:00:42(SINGING) Suntan lotion is good for me
00:00:46You protect me Tee-hee-hee
00:00:50(SINGING GIBBERISH)
00:00:51Oh, the sun tries to burn me, but you won't let it.
00:00:56Will ya?
00:00:58Ultraviolet rays, bad!
00:01:00Lofion,good.
00:01:07Smiley.
00:01:17There's something important I was supposed to do today.
00:01:21Have five daiquiris?
00:01:24Nah,nah. You remembered to do that.
00:01:26(LAUGHS)
00:01:28Man, why did I have so many drinks? I can't remember.
00:01:33What's today?
00:01:34October?
00:01:37It's nudie magazine day!
00:01:40Yeah!
00:01:53Watch out! Watch out!
00:01:55Ooh, you're a quick one.
00:02:06BILLY: Nudie magazine day! Nudie magazine day!
00:02:09Nudie magazine day! Nudie magazine day!
00:02:13Nudie...
00:02:14(SCREAMING)
00:02:40(EXCLAIMS)
00:02:45(EXCLAIMS)
00:03:00Holy geez!
00:03:02Lookie what we got here.
00:03:04That silly penguin is back again.
00:03:07No, Mr. Madison. There're no penguin.
00:03:09You got too much sun today. There're no penguin!
00:03:12(QUACKING)
00:03:14It's too damn not for a penguin to be just walking around here.
00:03:20I've gotta send him back to the South Pole.
00:03:25No! No!
00:03:36Penguin!
00:03:39Don't you dare run away!
00:03:42Hey, come here, Mr. Penguin!
00:03:46I'm one of the good guys.
00:03:48Don't run. Oh.
00:03:53(PENGUIN QUACKING)
00:04:02Don't...run.
00:04:04Don't run from me!
00:04:08Penguin!
00:04:14Penguin!
00:04:22You're a fast penguin.
00:04:25Whee-hee!
00:04:27Call the zoo!
00:04:33All the people at the zoo are very nice, penguin.
00:04:38They'll treat you real respectable-like.
00:04:43There's nothing to worry about, big fella.
00:04:48Here I come!
00:04:58Right this way, gentlemen. Mr. Madison is expecting you.
00:05:01Shall we?
00:05:05Leg.
00:05:09Billy! You know you shouldn't be pulling that crap
00:05:13in front of your father's business associates.
00:05:15You get yourself upstairs and get ready!
00:05:17Dinner's in 15 minutes!
00:05:18Yeah, yeah.
00:05:19Don't "yeah, yeah" rne, boy. This is a very important dinner.
00:05:23You best be there.
00:05:24I will.
00:05:26Thank you, Juanita.
00:05:28You gotta dress up and look nice, too.
00:05:32Oh, that boy's a fine piece of work, all right!
00:05:37He's a fine piece of ass, though, too.
00:05:44(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
00:05:47Where the hell is he? I'm starvin'!
00:05:49I ate some Triscuit crackers in the car.
00:05:52You should've had some.
00:05:54Well, maybe if you'd told me
00:05:55there were delicious Triscuit crackers, I could have enjoyed them with you.
00:05:59I'm sorry.
00:06:00Well, sorry doesn't put the Triscuit crackers in my stomach.
00:06:02Does it, Carl?
00:06:03Gentlemen.
00:06:05I'm sorry to have kept you waiting.
00:06:07Have you all met?
00:06:09Eric Gordon, my executive vice president.
00:06:12And our operations manager, Carl Alphonse.
00:06:15Sit down, gentlemen. Sit down.
00:06:17Beautiful table.
00:06:19Good seeing you, sir.
00:06:25Where's Billy?
00:06:29Juanita said he'd be down in a few minutes.
00:06:32I'm sure you'll all be very impressed.
00:06:35Shampoo is better!
00:06:36I go on first and clean the hair.
00:06:40Conditioner is better.
00:06:42I leave the hair silky and smooth.
00:06:45Oh, really, fool? Really!
00:06:52Stop looking at me, swan!
00:07:08(SLURPING)
00:07:19Carl, what's up?
00:07:21Nothing much, Billy.
00:07:22I see you got a little sun today.
00:07:23You think so? I fell asleep by the pool for a few hours.
00:07:26Did you fall asleep, or did you pass out?
00:07:31Shut up!
00:07:34That's enough, Billy.
00:07:36Because you took your own sweet-ass time coming down here tonight,
00:07:39these gentlemen are going to miss their last flights home.
00:07:41This guy can stay in my room, I'll tell you that much.
00:07:44(LAUGHING)
00:07:46(GRUNTING)
00:07:51Billy, eat your soup.
00:07:55It's good soup.
00:07:58Well, gentlemen,
00:07:59I can't thank you enough for coming out here this evening.
00:08:02(SHOUTING GIBBERISH)
00:08:03Please, Billy. No gibberish tonight. Please, I beg you.
00:08:07Sorry, Daddy.
00:08:10This is a big night for me tonight.
00:08:11I have an important announcement to make.
00:08:14(SHOUTING GIBBERISH)
00:08:16That's it, Billy. Get the hell out of here!
00:08:24(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
00:08:33Nice talking to you, Billy.
00:08:35(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
00:08:45(CHILDREN CHATTERING)
00:08:49All right. One, two, three!
00:08:53Hey, Billy, how oome you ain't pounding any tonight?
00:08:56I don't know. My dad was yelling at me.
00:08:59I'm just not in the mood.
00:09:02Hey, Billy, who would you rather bone,
00:09:05Meg Ryan or Jack Nicholson?
00:09:08Jack Nicholson now or 1974?
00:09:12'74.
00:09:15Meg Ryan.
00:09:17Go! Go! ALLI Go, 90, go!
00:09:20ALL: Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
00:09:24Oh, my God! lam the winner.
00:09:26Billy is not an idiot.
00:09:29I'm not saying he's an idiot. I just think he might not be
00:09:31mature enough to run a Fortune 500 company.
00:09:36My late wife, Emily, and I started this company
00:09:39with a 15-unit motel in Patchogue, Long Island.
00:09:42We built it into 650 hotels.
00:09:45Our dream was to one day turn it over to our only son, Billy.
00:09:50Carl, how many people work for Madison?
00:09:5161,000 and change.
00:09:53How long are those people gonna have jobs once Billy
00:09:56has the hotel operators speaking gibberish?
00:10:06Oh, Billy, Billy boy!
00:10:08When are you gonna find whatever it is you're looking for?
00:10:12JACK: Here's a nice piece of shit.
00:10:15Gaw! Eew!
00:10:18Oh.
00:10:20My, oh, my! Wait till old man Clemens realizes it's a bag of shit!
00:10:24He gonna shit when he realizes it's shit!
00:10:27Who got the lighter?
00:10:34(WHISPERING)
00:10:37(QUIETLY LAUGHING)
00:10:41Light it!
00:10:47(DOORBELL RINGS)
00:10:49Come on, Billy.
00:10:51Oh, my God! Old man Clemens hates shit!
00:10:54Here he comes!
00:10:56Who the hell is it? What do you want?
00:10:58Judas Priest! It's one of those flaming bags again!
00:11:01MRS. CLEMENS: Don't put it out with your boots, Ted!
00:11:04Don't tell me my business, devil woman!
00:11:07Call the fire department! This one's out of control.
00:11:14(SNIFFS)
00:11:19Yuck! Poop again!
00:11:21He called the shit "poop!"
00:11:23(ALL LAUGHING)
00:11:25This is the best night of my life.
00:11:27LWlgetyou damn kids for this. You're all gonna die!
00:11:35BRIAN: Billy, could you step in here for a moment?
00:11:39I have big news.
00:11:40Eric is pregnant! Congratulations!
00:11:45Feel those kicks. He's gonna be a soccer player.
00:11:47He is. He is.
00:11:55All right, what's up?
00:11:57I've had to face some hard truths tonight, Billy.
00:12:00Dad? Do we have to do this with Captain Dipshit here?
00:12:03BRIAN: You were brought up with every advantage.
00:12:04I bought you everything,
00:12:07toys, cars, vacations, clothes.
00:12:10Actually, I stole this shirt from Frank.
00:12:12Yeah, well, whatever. It's all my fault.
00:12:15I made a mistake. See...
00:12:18Are you some damned moron? Can't you just stop for two seconds?
00:12:23I'm trying to tell you that I'm retiring,
00:12:25and Eric, not you, is going to take over Madison Hotels.
00:12:28Eric?
00:12:30You're gonna give the company to Eric? He is a bad, bad man.
00:12:34What do you care, Billy? What do you care who I appoint to run the company, huh?
00:12:39I mean, I'm doing you a favor.
00:12:41You don't ever have to look for a job.
00:12:43Yeah. Now you can sit around here all day goofing off,
00:12:46sipping drinks, chasing invisible penguins.
00:12:49Is that it, Dad? Did the penguin tell you to do this?
00:12:52Penguin?
00:12:54What an idiot!
00:12:55You know, I could help Billy until he gets the hang of it.
00:12:58I think Crazy Carl is right.
00:13:00I mean, I can do this if I set my mind to it!
00:13:03High school was a pain in the ass, but I graduated.
00:13:05You graduated because I paid your teachers to give you deoent grades.
00:13:08I've regretted it every day since. I thought at the time
00:13:11that if you could get good grades, you might get into a good college
00:13:15and straighten yourself out.
00:13:17I don't believe that.
00:13:18What do you believe?
00:13:19That you were an honor student?
00:13:22How could I hand over my company
00:13:23to someone who couldn't even get through school on his own?
00:13:27I don't know.
00:13:28Don't think about it. Just hand it over.
00:13:33Forget it!
00:13:37Well, listen. Don't you think you better go up to bed, hmm?
00:13:39Big day tomorrow. A day filled with
00:13:42daiquiris, Nintendos and jack-off magazines.
00:13:48Dad!
00:13:50Yeah, what?
00:13:52Give me one more chance. I'll prove I can take over.
00:13:55I'll do anything it takes. I'll go back to high school and take the exams again.
00:13:59And I'll get my diploma all by myself.
00:14:01Billy, it wasn't just high school!
00:14:05Remember that spelling bee you won in the first grade?
00:14:08Oh, no, you didn't!
00:14:10Rock. R-O-K.
00:14:14Yeah. So what's your point?
00:14:16R-O-C-K!
00:14:18The "C" is silent.
00:14:21BILLY: Okay. All right.
00:14:23All right, you got it.
00:14:24First grade through twelfth grade, all over again.
00:14:29I'll do each grade in two weeks.
00:14:31Take the test, re-graduate,
00:14:34prove to you I'm not an idiot, and then I get to take over Madison Hotels.
00:14:39That's some idea.
00:14:43You just think of that? Yeah, I did.
00:14:45It's pretty good, huh?
00:14:47Brian, don't you think the future of Madison Hotels and its 61,000 employees
00:14:53is too important to gamble on a game like this?
00:14:56No.
00:14:59You're on. Carl, you make the arrangements.
00:15:03You pass every grade before June 15,
00:15:06and you take over instead of Eric.
00:15:09Have a nice weekend, Son.
00:15:12You start school on Monday.
00:15:14Oh!
00:15:16Give 'em hell, Bill.
00:15:20Nice try, ass wipe, but you're just delaying the inevitable.
00:15:29(I'LL TUMBLE FOR YA PLAYING)
00:16:17BILLY: Where's my Snack Pack?
00:16:19You've got a banana. You don't need no Snack Pack.
00:16:22You know I like Snack Pack. Why can't you just give me a Snack Pack?
00:16:26I thought I was your Snack Pack.
00:16:28What are you talking about?
00:16:29Nothing.
00:16:31Bill, you're gonna miss the bus!
00:16:33Yeah, you better get your beautiful buns up that driveway.
00:16:36What a weirdo!
00:16:38(J UANITA LAUGHS)
00:16:42(SINGING) Oh, back to school Back to school
00:16:46To prove to Dad that I'm not a fool
00:16:50I got my lunch packed up
00:16:54My boots tied tight
00:16:56I hope I don't get in a fight
00:16:59Oh, back to school Back to school
00:17:04Back to school
00:17:09Well, here goes nothing.
00:17:12(CHILDREN JEERING)
00:17:30Thank you, Daddy.
00:17:32(CHILDREN CHATTERING)
00:17:38Come on. Hurry up. We're gonna be late!
00:17:47Hi. How ya doing?
00:17:48Fine.
00:17:50Are you going to class today too?
00:17:52I'll be going to class to teach. How about you?
00:17:55I'll be going to learn.
00:17:57Uh, you must be Billy Madison.
00:18:00Yes, I am.
00:18:02Don't you think it's pathetic that just because of who your father is,
00:18:04you get to come do school all over again?
00:18:06Yes, I do.
00:18:08Well, as long as you know.
00:18:09Well, all right!
00:18:16CHILD: Wait up!
00:18:18(BELL RINGING)
00:18:22(CHILDREN LAUGHING)
00:18:32Hey, mister, guess what I had for breakfast.
00:18:34What?
00:18:36Beans!
00:18:37(MAKING FARTING NOISES)
00:18:42Scotty likes beans. Don't you, Scotty?
00:18:46Hi. How you doing?
00:18:47Let's involve the class.
00:18:50Quiet down, my special people.
00:18:55I want you all to meet our new friend Billy.
00:19:00Can everyone say hello to Billy?
00:19:02Hello, Billy.
00:19:04Hi.
00:19:06Billy is going to be sharing our fun and learning for the next two weeks.
00:19:11Billy is special,
00:19:12just like each and every one of you.
00:19:15And what do we do to our special people?
00:19:18Iwanna hug.
00:19:22Hi.
00:19:24Yeah, I wanna hug, too, please.
00:19:26All right. All right!
00:19:31Billy, why don't you take a seat right up front?
00:19:34And we can start...story time!
00:19:40You've got a misshaped head.
00:19:42Thank you.
00:19:48The Puppy Who Lost His Way, by Chrissy Taylor.
00:19:54"One fine morning,
00:19:57"a PUPPY PPPPed his PUPPY Paws
00:20:00"out of his puppy house.
00:20:03"This was no ordinary puppy.
00:20:06"This puppy was the happiest puppy in the whole world.
00:20:11"In fact, his name was Happy.
00:20:16"Happy looked through the bushes...
00:20:18"'l'll never let you get lost again,' cried the little boy,
00:20:22"who was so happy
00:20:23"that he gave Happy a kiss
00:20:25"on his wet little puppy nose.
00:20:29"The end."
00:20:32Whoa, whoa, whoa! Miss Lippy,
00:20:35the part of the story ldonWHke
00:20:37is that the little boy gave up looking for Happy after an hour.
00:20:40He didn't put posters up or anything.
00:20:42He just sat on the porch like a goon and waited.
00:20:45That little boy's gotta think,
00:20:46you got a pet, you got a responsibility.
00:20:50If your dog is lost, you don't look for an hour then oall it quits.
00:20:54You get your ass out there, and you find that fucking dog!
00:21:01I think it's time to play dodge ball.
00:21:05(CHILDREN SHOUTING)
00:21:21You're out! O'Doyle rules!
00:21:24(CHILDREN JEERING)
00:21:32(SITAR PLAYING ON RECORD)
00:21:47Billy, what are you doing back?
00:21:49I'm out.
00:21:52Well,
00:21:54that just means you stay off to the side until a new game starts.
00:21:57That's okay. I'm tired anyways.
00:21:59I'll just sit here and color or something.
00:22:01Billy, dodge ball time is a special time.
00:22:06Not just for you boys and girls but for Miss Lippy too.
00:22:10So stay outside.
00:22:23Whoa!
00:22:24Wow!
00:22:25Now you're all in big, big trouble.
00:22:28(CHILDREN SHOUTING)
00:22:40You're out! Oh, yeah!
00:22:48(BELL RINGING)
00:22:49Lunchtime!
00:22:58I bet that Snack Pack's pretty good.
00:23:03Wanna trade me the rest of it for this banana?
00:23:08You know how badly I can beat you, right?
00:23:14Mortal Kombat on Sega Genesis is the best video game ever.
00:23:18I disagree. It's a very good game,
00:23:20but I think Donkey Kong is the best game ever.
00:23:22Donkey Kong sucks!
00:23:24You know somethin'? You suck!
00:23:28(CHILDREN'S MUSIC PLAYING)
00:24:17O Hey! oh!
00:24:19That's very nice of you to pick up your little brother here at sohool.
00:24:22He's not my brother. He's my son.
00:24:26You gotta be kidding me.
00:24:27Mom, that's Billy. He's in my class.
00:24:30I heard he's retarded or something.
00:24:33(LAUGHING)
00:24:35Your son's got a very creative mind.
00:24:37Maybe someday he'll make Mommy and Daddy a lot of money.
00:24:39Daddy's in prison, and he won't be home for a long time.
00:24:43My dear Lord! Yeah!
00:24:47Well, I gotta get going now. I gotta get on the bus.
00:24:50I ride the bus for the city and watch the bus drivers.
00:24:53Kind of this program they've got to make sure...
00:24:55Billy! Billy, you forgot your stuff.
00:25:05Come on, honey.
00:25:06Thank you very much, Miss Lippy!
00:25:13(PHONE RINGS)
00:25:15Yes'? WOMAN: Brian Madison for you.
00:25:16Tell him I'm out to lunch.
00:25:20Billy Madison.
00:25:22A buffoon...and yet,
00:25:25a threat to my eventual takeover of this company.
00:25:28A menace. And what do we do with a menace?
00:25:31We eliminate it.
00:25:33We eliminate Billy Madison.
00:25:36Tricia Labonte.
00:25:37Here.
00:25:40Scotty Logan.
00:25:41Here.
00:25:44Billy Madison.
00:25:45(SPUTTERING)
00:25:47(ALL LAUGHING)
00:25:59Hmm.
00:26:24Hey!
00:26:27Look at all this milk.
00:26:28You want some of this milk?
00:26:30That milk belongs to that classroom.
00:26:33Oh, they don't gots to know about it. It could be our milk.
00:26:36No milk will ever be our milk.
00:26:40That wasn't very nice.
00:26:42How 'bout you, sideburns? You want some of this milk?
00:26:46I'd rather have a beer.
00:27:20I drew the duck blue because I've never seen a blue duck before.
00:27:24And to be honest with you, I wanted to see a blue duck.
00:27:27Well, it's an excellent blue duck.
00:27:31Congratulations.
00:27:33You just passed the first grade.
00:27:35Oh, Miss Lippy! That's so great!
00:27:38What do you think of that, Mr. Blue Duck?
00:27:40That's quack-tastic! Quack, quack, quack.
00:27:42(CHILDREN LAUGHING)
00:27:43Candy!
00:27:46Wow! Look at all that candy!
00:27:49Rolex!
00:27:54Thanks for the watch, Billy.
00:27:56You're welcome, buddy.
00:27:58Well, this is great. When I graduated first grade,
00:28:01all my father did was tell me to get a job.
00:28:04(DONKEY BRAYS)
00:28:05Hey, you wanna feed that donkey some beer?
00:28:07Get it all messed up?
00:28:09Maybe later.
00:28:11I'll go put some beer in a bucket.
00:28:12Okay.
00:28:14Hey, there, Mr. Graduate. How's it going?
00:28:17Go!
00:28:22Come on, kid. Get up! Get up!
00:28:24You're humiliating yourself! Get up!
00:28:30Whoa! Whoa!
00:28:33Whoa! Whoa-oa-oa!
00:28:45BILLY: That's funny.
00:28:48(ALL LAUGHING)
00:28:50Oh, my-
00:28:52So he's passed first grade, and he's moved on to second.
00:28:55Whoop-tee-do!
00:28:57Any more information, Rollo?
00:29:03Billy likes to drink soda.
00:29:09Miss Lippy's car is green.
00:29:15And now we have just two students left.
00:29:20Bath.
00:29:22Bath.
00:29:25B-A-T-H. Bath.
00:29:30Correct!
00:29:31Bath. That's a little easy.
00:29:33Why don't you just give her the trophy?
00:29:37Cheese.
00:29:41Cheese.
00:29:42C-H-E-E-S-E.
00:29:49Cheese.
00:29:50Correct.
00:29:53Couch.
00:29:55Couch.
00:30:00C-
00:30:01O-W...
00:30:05No!
00:30:07No, I'm sorry. That's not right.
00:30:10(LAUGHS)
00:30:11Well, Billy, if you spell this correctly, you pass second grade.
00:30:18Couch. C...
00:30:22Cow. Cow.
00:30:27C-O-R...
00:30:31Are you going to the mall later? That's what I'm asking.
00:30:34No, I am not going to the mall. Keep spelling, mister.
00:30:39C-O-U-C-H.
00:30:46Correct!
00:30:48I am the smartest man alive!
00:30:51(CHILDREN LAUGHING)
00:30:57He gonna have a stupid party every time he passes a grade?
00:31:01CARL: Everybody's having a good time but you.
00:31:04Spoiled snot! Get outta here.
00:31:07Let me ask you something, Carl.
00:31:09You started here, what, 25 years ago?
00:31:12Night bellboy at the Philadelphia Madison?
00:31:15After all your hard work, how would you feel
00:31:18working for some punk kid like Billy?
00:31:21Could be worse.
00:31:26That's nice.
00:31:31Man, I'm so nervous.
00:31:32First and second grade were easy, but social studies, division.
00:31:35This is gonna be tough!
00:31:40Man, I'm so nervous.
00:31:42First and second grade were easy, but social studies, division.
00:31:44This is gonna be tough!
00:31:45Relax, dude.
00:31:49Jackpofl
00:31:51Good morning, class.
00:31:52CHILDREN: Good morning, Miss Vaughn.
00:31:55We're gonna start today by reading together
00:31:57a short story entitled, "My Sister, Fanny."
00:32:00Quiet!
00:32:03Let's all open up our Reading ls Fun books
00:32:05to page 69.
00:32:07Sixty-nine!
00:32:08(LAUGHING)
00:32:12Class, say hello to Billy Madison.
00:32:15Hello, Billy Madison.
00:32:18Billy is a nuisance. He will be gone in two weeks.
00:32:21I apologize for this inconvenience.
00:32:25Geez, what's up her butt?
00:32:27What was that, Billy?
00:32:28I said, "Reading is good."
00:32:32Can we start the story now?
00:32:36Dan, you may begin.
00:32:39(STAMMERING) "Once
00:32:41"there was
00:32:44"a girl
00:32:47"who wanted to..."
00:32:49Kid can't even read.
00:32:51Cut it out, dude. You're gonna get us in trouble.
00:32:53"...fly an..."
00:32:58(STAMMERING) Today, junior!
00:33:00(CHUCKUNG)
00:33:08(ALL LAUGHING)
00:33:10You're tearing my ear off!
00:33:13Making fun of a little kid for trying to read!
00:33:15Are you psycho? Do you not have a soul?
00:33:18I'm sorry, I can't hear you. I've been physically abused in the ear.
00:33:21You keep your mouth shut for the next two weeks, or I'm gonna fail you.
00:33:25End of story.
00:33:26I see your lips moving,
00:33:28but I can't make out the words. I'm deaf!
00:33:33Oh, Veronica Vaughn!
00:33:35So hot Want to touch the heinie
00:33:39(HOWLING)
00:33:41You know that girlie I've been chasing?
00:33:43Turns out she's my third grade teacher.
00:33:45First thing she does is kick me out of her class.
00:33:47Maybe she feels she has to make an example of you.
00:33:50Or maybe she's got something up her ass.
00:33:52That's what I said.
00:33:54Poor Billy.
00:33:55I'm so depressed.
00:33:57You want me to take my shirt off for you?
00:33:59No, thank you. Okay, baby.
00:34:01But remember, the offer is on the table.
00:34:06Oh, yes!
00:34:07Oh, my!
00:34:10Oh, God, yes. Lordy.
00:34:12Billy Madison!
00:34:14Huh?
00:34:15Would you like to try writing some words in cursive on the blackboard today?
00:34:19Okay. Sure.
00:34:28Okay. How about the word "dugout"?
00:34:41Good. How about "bunt"?
00:34:52Bunt. B-U-N-T.
00:34:56In perfect cursive. Any more brain-busters?
00:35:02"Rizzuto."
00:35:10HZ H
00:35:12HZ H
00:35:22"Rirruto"?
00:35:24Those are "Z's."
00:35:27They look like "R's" to me.
00:35:29That's not fair. "Rizzuto" is not a word!
00:35:31He's a baseball player! You're cheating!
00:35:34Would you like to try the word "buzz"?
00:35:37(CHILDREN LAUGHING)
00:35:39I hate cursive, and I hate all of you!
00:35:42I'm never coming back to school! Never!
00:35:44(CHILDREN LAUGHING)
00:35:51JUANITAI Billy!
00:36:01I swear to God I'm sick. I can't go to school.
00:36:04If you're gonna stay home today, you oan help me shave my armpits.
00:36:08Oh, my God! I'll go to school.
00:36:15O'Doyle rules!
00:36:24What's going on?
00:36:27Miss Vaughn's sick.
00:36:31(HANDS CLAPPING)
00:36:32Please take your seats.
00:36:36Who's that guy?
00:36:39Principal Anderson.
00:36:41Quiet, everyone!
00:36:43As you can tell, Miss Vaughn is not feeling well today.
00:36:46So I'll be taking her place.
00:36:48But don't get your hopes up, because I plan on teaching.
00:36:52So I hope you plan on learning.
00:36:55Now, who can tell me where we are in our social studies reader?
00:37:00Yes? Michael?
00:37:04Excuse me. What's that in your hand?
00:37:09Bring that note up to me.
00:37:11(ALL EXCLAIMING)
00:37:18Now let's see what couldn't wait till after class.
00:37:27"We're so lucky to have Principal Anderson substituting.
00:37:32"Now we have the privilege of staring at that tub of lard all day long.
00:37:39"If I were him, I would walk my fat ass right into oncoming traffic."
00:37:47Oh, man, Billy.
00:37:49I just thought of the funniest thing.
00:37:52Billy?
00:37:55Where's Billy?
00:37:57He's in school, man.
00:37:590h, yeah!
00:38:52You know, I don't wanna sound like a weirdo,
00:38:54but I kinda missed Miss Vaughn today.
00:38:56Why? Do you like her or something?
00:38:58No!
00:38:59Why? She say she likes me?
00:39:01Not to me.
00:39:02Well, let's find out.
00:39:18Hello.
00:39:20Is this Miss Vaughn?
00:39:22Oh, hi. It's Ernie from class.
00:39:24Ask her if she has a boyfriend.
00:39:27Miss Vaughn, do you have a boyfriend?
00:39:33(WHISPERS) No.
00:39:35Ask her... Shh!
00:39:37(WHISPERING) Ask her if she likes anybody
00:39:39from class like more than a friend.
00:39:42Miss Vaughn, do you like anybody in class
00:39:46more than a friend?
00:39:51(WHISPERS) No.
00:39:54Ask her if she would ever go out with somebody from olass.
00:39:58No! Just do it!
00:40:02Miss Vaughn, would you
00:40:04ever go out with anybody from class?
00:40:07Uh-huh.
00:40:09Uh-huh.
00:40:12VERONICA: You see, Ernie, grown-ups like to go out with other grown-ups.
00:40:15What about Billy?
00:40:16You're more of a grown-up than Billy.
00:40:19I'll give you a grown-up!
00:40:20What was that, Ernie?
00:40:21Nothing. See you tomorrow in class, Miss Vaughn.
00:40:26You blew it!
00:40:33Hey, I dare you to throw your sandwich at the bus driver.
00:40:38Do it! Come on!
00:40:44(BRAKES SCREECHING) Hey!
00:40:45Who threw that?
00:40:50LWlturn this damn bus around.
00:40:53That'll end your precious little field trip pretty damn quick, huh?
00:40:59Little shit.
00:41:01(INAUDIBLE)
00:41:07I'm trying to score points with the teacher today. Don't screw it up!
00:41:12I dare you to touch her boobs.
00:41:15Touch her boobs?
00:41:16That's assault, brother.
00:41:22Do you double dare me?
00:41:31Miss Vaughn, how long till we get there? I have to go to the bathroom.
00:41:35Probably about 10 minutes.
00:41:38Sorry about that.
00:41:40Damn guy drives like an animal.
00:41:42Huh?
00:41:43That's all right, Billy. Why don't you go back and sit down now?
00:41:47Okay. I double dare you.
00:41:49That... I... Accident.
00:41:51Mistake. Tit.
00:41:54Go sit down. Yes.
00:41:56(CHILDREN LAUGHING)
00:42:03Yeah. Here we go again. Another treat from the road.
00:42:07Grand! Great banana. Trick of the day.
00:42:15What is a horseshoe?
00:42:17What does a horseshoe do?
00:42:19Are there any horse socks?
00:42:22Is anybody listening to me?
00:42:24Anyways, Miss Vaughn, I am sorry about what happened back there,
00:42:26but you have to admit I've been trying to be good lately.
00:42:30You're not the first person that's tried to grab my chest.
00:42:34I'm really trying not to hold you to a higher standard
00:42:36than the rest of the students.
00:42:37Although maybe I should. You are what, 50?
00:42:40No. It's just that the other kids kind of look up to me.
00:42:43I don't want them to think I'm a coward.
00:42:45Don't worry about it.
00:42:47Next week you'll have another bunch of kids to impress
00:42:49and another teacher to annoy.
00:42:50I don't want to annoy another teacher, Miss Vaughn.
00:42:53I want to annoy you. Miss Vaughn!
00:42:55Miss Vaughn! Miss Vaughn!
00:42:58Somebody stole all our lunches.
00:43:00Who would steal 30 bag lunches?
00:43:10I'll tell you who took those lunches.
00:43:13That damn Sasquatch.
00:43:16Well, I guess that's it.
00:43:17Okay, everybody. Back on the bus!
00:43:19(CHILDREN GROANING)
00:43:20What's with Ernie?
00:43:22I don't know. I'll be right back.
00:43:27Hey, Ernie! What's up?
00:43:30Nothing.
00:43:33You falling in love with the wall or something?
00:43:37I had an accident.
00:43:38You had an accident? What does that mean?
00:43:40Go00!
00:43:42Oh, I know. Okay.
00:43:47Don't worry, buddy. Hang tight. I'll be right back.
00:43:59Hey, look, everybody. Billy peed his pants.
00:44:02Of course I peed my pants!
00:44:04Everybody my age pees their pants. It's the coolest.
00:44:07Really? Yes!
00:44:09You ain't cool unless you pee your pants.
00:44:13Wow! Hey, man! Ernie peed his pants too.
00:44:17All right!
00:44:19Cool!
00:44:23If peeing your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis.
00:44:28(EXCLAIMS)
00:44:29That was the grossest thing I've ever heard in my life!
00:44:32Let's go)!
00:44:34Let's get on the bus here.
00:44:36Move it! Get up there. Dial 1257.
00:44:40Move it or lose it! Get on the...
00:44:45Hi, Miss Vaughn. Nice to see ya.
00:44:55That Veronica Vaughn
00:44:57is one piece of "ace."
00:45:01I know from experience, dude,
00:45:04if you know what I mean.
00:45:06No, you don't.
00:45:08Well, not me personally, but a guy I know.
00:45:10Him and her got it on!
00:45:13(EXCLAIMING)
00:45:15No, they didn't.
00:45:18No, no, no. They didn't.
00:45:21But you could imagine what it'd be like if they did, right?
00:45:23Huh? Huh?
00:45:31Everybody on? Good! Great!
00:45:33Grand! Wonderful!
00:45:36No yelling on the bus!
00:45:39Billy passed the third grade
00:45:43Oh, what a glorious day
00:45:47Oh, passing third grade
00:45:51The Billy Madison way
00:45:55BILLY: Yeah!
00:45:57Rock on! Yes!
00:46:00(CHILDREN CHATTERING)
00:46:10BOY: Stop it.
00:46:12Who are you?
00:46:14I don't even know you. Go away, mister.
00:46:17Are you okay?
00:46:19Yeah.
00:46:24Look, she came!
00:46:25And she came too.
00:46:44The mucus queen is yours.
00:46:48Thanks.
00:46:50Hi!
00:46:53Oh, my gosh! Aw, man.
00:47:00On! on, my God!
00:47:03Snack Pack! You're the coolest!
00:47:05Those should last you through the weekend.
00:47:08Thank you very much.
00:47:10Looks like Billy is on the right track now.
00:47:12He's on track, all right.
00:47:13He's headed right down the...
00:47:16(CHOKING)
00:47:17Easy.
00:47:21So you still don't think Billy's gonna make it?
00:47:23Trust me, Carl baby. I know he's not gonna make it.
00:47:28Will you excuse me for a second?
00:47:32Who will help me destroy Billy Madison?
00:47:36Who?
00:47:37(SINGING) Cha-cha-cha-cha Cha-cha-cha-cha
00:47:41Cha-cha-cha-cha Cha-cha-cha-cha
00:47:55That was really sweet, the way you helped Ernie out yesterday.
00:47:59He would've done the same for me.
00:48:03So what's it like being back in school?
00:48:06I don't know. I kinda feel like an idiot sometimes.
00:48:09Although I am an idiot, so it kinda works out.
00:48:13Is it just you and your dad in here?
00:48:16Well, actually, no.
00:48:18There's Juanita and some maids and butlers and stuff.
00:48:21And people who work for my dad are always stopping by.
00:48:25Then my friends are always sleeping over, even when I didn't ask them to.
00:48:29Sounds like a hotel.
00:48:30Yeah, it kinda is. It can be distracting.
00:48:32That's why I moved out here.
00:48:40BOY: I'm faster than you. You're way slower!
00:48:47Oh, wow.
00:48:49This is where I've been spending most of my time lately.
00:48:52Not exactly roughing it, are you?
00:48:59Those are... They come with the tent.
00:49:03So... I see.
00:49:09Wow. A Tale of Two Cities.
00:49:11I don't think we're up to that one yet.
00:49:13I can understand nine words in that book now.
00:49:20So, it's
00:49:22the last day of third grade.
00:49:25And you have the teacher alone in your tent.
00:49:30What do you want to do?
00:49:33Well, I can think of three things I'd like to do.
00:49:35Mmm-hmm.
00:49:37One would involve some ice cubes
00:49:40and a nine iron.
00:49:43Two would include a buffalo. Really?
00:49:46Live or stuffed, preferably stuffed
00:49:49for safety's sake.
00:49:52Three: We'd bring back some of those ice cubes.
00:49:55Switch it over to a pitching wedge.
00:49:59How you guys 010mg?
00:50:03Hey, Carl! Good to see you!
00:50:09This is Veronica, my teacher.
00:50:11That's Carl.
00:50:12Very pleased to meet you.
00:50:14Bill, I think Eric is up to something.
00:50:16Who's Eric?
00:50:17He works for my dad too.
00:50:19He gets the company if I screw up. He's a douche bag.
00:50:22He made some menacing comments to me earlier today,
00:50:24then he did that weasel laugh he does.
00:50:27Yeah. How's that laugh go again?
00:50:28You know.
00:50:29(LAUGHING)
00:50:31That's very good. That sounded just like him.
00:50:33Thanks. Well, I'm sure he's got something up his sleeve.
00:50:37Thanks, buddy. No problem.
00:50:51TEACHER: The most densely populated part of the United States
00:50:53is along the eastern seaboard.
00:50:55We're gonna talk about why that is over the next few minutes.
00:50:59We all know what a census is, don't we? That's like taking attendance.
00:51:03Now the first census of the United States...
00:51:07Take it on! Pick it up and give it the old... Yeah!
00:51:09You want some of this?
00:51:12Oh, my dear Lord!
00:51:15You never leave rne open, son, 'cause I'm gonna hit it every time.
00:51:18You want some more of that? I didn't think so!
00:51:41(SCREAMING)
00:52:19(BURPING) A! B! C!
00:52:22(BURPING) D, E, F, G...
00:52:26All right, stop before I throw up.
00:52:29You wanna go play soccer with us after school?
00:52:32No. I got a test on Friday. I'll play with you guys next week.
00:52:35Next week you'll be in ninth grade.
00:52:37Yeah, high school.
00:52:39That's right.
00:52:40You aren't gonna wanna hang around
00:52:41with a bunch of dumb elementary school kids like us anymore.
00:52:45That's not true. I'll come and visit you guys all the time.
00:52:49Yeah, to see your girlfriend.
00:52:51(HOOTING)
00:52:54(MENACINGLY LAUGHING)
00:52:56Have some more sloppy joes!
00:53:01I made 'em extra sloppy foryouse!
00:53:07I know how youse kids likes 'em sloppy!
00:53:12Lady, you're scaring us!
00:53:16Go! Go! Yeah!
00:53:41Do you know where the bathroom is?
00:53:43Second door on the left.
00:53:49Hey, tubby, how about a little bathroom reading?
00:53:53I have the August 1983 issue of Wrestling World here.
00:53:58There's a terrific article about a wrestler named the Revolting Blob.
00:54:04Gee, you know somethin'? He kinda looks like someone I know.
00:54:09Where'd you get that?
00:54:10I have a subscription.
00:54:12Gee. He's a bad guy.
00:54:14He threw one opponent out of the ring and hit a bunch of senior citizens.
00:54:20Boy, this wacko looks familiar.
00:54:22What do I care about some stupid, phony wrestling guy?
00:54:26My God!
00:54:28In June, 1983, he sat on some guy's head and killed him.
00:54:33It was just a stunt!
00:54:36He was supposed to pinch my leg if he was running short of air.
00:54:39With this guy sitting on everyone's head and everything,
00:54:42I wonder how he had time to get his teaching degree.
00:54:44No!
00:54:46No, you can't do that to me! Those kids are my whole life!
00:54:50You wouldn't want anything to happen that would make them think less of you, right?
00:54:55(WHISPERING) Max?
00:54:58Max?
00:55:00You ready to cooperate with me?
00:55:02Yes.
00:55:04Then Madison Hotels is as good as mine!
00:55:21(HEAVY METAL PLAYING)
00:55:26Check out that car.
00:55:47Nice shirt! Yeah. Yep.
00:55:50(BELL RINGING)
00:55:57So now the cell's happy.
00:55:59But there are other molecules saying, "Hey, we'd like some energy too."
00:56:03And it uses its own pigment molecule, chlorophyll,
00:56:07to carry out the action.
00:56:09This does not make the ribosomes happy.
00:56:12Oh.
00:56:14Poor chlorophyll is caught in the middle of this.
00:56:17Chlorophyll?
00:56:19More like "bore-ophyll."
00:56:22Right?
00:56:26It's a little bit stuffy in here, huh?
00:56:29Don't talk to me.
00:56:31And why is that?
00:56:33Because you're a loser.
00:56:34I don't know from these ribosomes, and chlorophyll helps chloroplast...
00:56:38No, I will not make outwith you!
00:56:41Did you hear that? This girl wants to make out with me in class!
00:56:45You got chlorophyll man talking about God knows what.
00:56:49All she's talking about is making outwith me!
00:56:51I'm here to learn, everybody, not to make out with you.
00:56:54Go on with the chlorophyll!
00:57:01O'Doyle rules!
00:57:03Thanks a lot, O'Doyle.
00:57:04Nice meeting you.
00:57:09(BOY LAUGHING)
00:57:11Wait'll they start with the wedgies.
00:57:13Yeah. You oughta start cutting your underwear
00:57:15before you get to school so it rips easier.
00:57:18I see. Who are you guys?
00:57:20We're the guys everybody used to pick on before you started here.
00:57:23Oh, no, they ain't picking on me.
00:57:25They're giving me a hard time 'cause I'm the new guy. A little first-day hazing.
00:57:30Are you in loser denial or something?
00:57:33I had a bad case of loser denial myself,
00:57:35till the lacrosse team stuck a parking cone up my ass.
00:57:39Loser? I ain't no loser. I was the king of this high school.
00:57:43Hundred friends. Million parties.
00:57:47You guys are losers, not me.
00:57:50And that is what a prime number is.
00:57:54CHILDREN: Billy! Billy!
00:57:56Figuring on how I got fourth period off, I'd shoot down to say hi.
00:58:00How's high school, Billy?
00:58:01Yeah, how's high school?
00:58:02Oh, high school is great!
00:58:05I mean, I'm learning a lot!
00:58:07And all the kids are treating me very nice. It's great!
00:58:12Gee, I can't wait till I go to high school.
00:58:16Don't you say that.
00:58:18Don't you ever say that!
00:58:21Stay here! Stay as long as you can.
00:58:26For the love of God, cheflshifl
00:58:30VERONICA: Jennifer, why don't you try reading out loud for a minute?
00:58:32You gotta cherish it. You do.
00:58:43I don't understand it.
00:58:45Ten years ago high school was the greatest. I had so much fun!
00:58:50You had a little too much fun since you've gotta do it again.
00:58:53I know. It's just the classes are so hard.
00:58:56And all the kids treat me like I'm a goof.
00:59:00You are a goof.
00:59:01Mmm.
00:59:02Suckitup. Eight more weeks and you're all set.
00:59:05Yeah, you're right. You're so smart.
00:59:11I gotta go, okay? Okay.
00:59:14Billy, wait.
00:59:17It doesn't feel so great to be called a loser, does it?
00:59:20No.
00:59:21Maybe the first time you went to high school,
00:59:24you weren't as nice to kids you thought were losers.
00:59:28I know what you're saying. You're so smart!
00:59:42(PHONE RINGING)
00:59:47Hello.
00:59:48Hi, is this Danny McGraff? Yeah.
00:59:51The Danny McGraff that graduated from Knibb High School in 1984?
00:59:55Yeah. Who's this?
00:59:57This is Billy Madison. You probably don't remember me.
01:00:01But I went to high school with you.
01:00:04I kinda gave you a hard time back then.
01:00:08I did some things lthought were funny at the time.
01:00:11But now I realize they were just mean and stupid.
01:00:15I just wanted to apologize and I hope you forgive me.
01:00:19Yeah, sure. Don't worry about it. It's no problem.
01:00:21Wow, that's great!
01:00:24Well, I am sorry,
01:00:26and maybe we can get together and have coffee or something.
01:00:30Sure, I'd like that.
01:00:31Okay. I'll see you around. Okay.
01:00:34Bye.
01:01:12Speak for yourself, moron.
01:01:15Oh, my God, that is funny!
01:01:18Next on News 9, a shocking story of
01:01:20power and corruption involving a hotel tycoon.
01:01:23How his 27-year-old millionaire son
01:01:25cheated his way through elementary school.
01:01:28Stay tuned. What the hell?
01:01:30Now, now, maybe it's somebody else.
01:01:34My name is Max Anderson.
01:01:36I'm the principal at the Polly Fector Elementary School.
01:01:42Recently a young man named Billy Madison was enrolled there.
01:01:46During that time, Mr. Madison was disruptive.
01:01:50The only reason he passed was that he offered me a bribe of $5,000,
01:01:55which I regrettably accepted.
01:01:59I'm sorry, Billy.
01:02:00REPORTER: That was principal Max Anderson of Polly Factor Elementary School.
01:02:05Dad, he's lying!
01:02:08You made a fool out of me.
01:02:10This was a mistake from the beginning.
01:02:12Brian, I got some forecasts for you to... Why is everybody so glum?
01:02:19You seriously don't believe me, Dad?
01:02:20That's right.
01:02:21I seriously don't believe you.
01:02:24The deal's off. Eric's got the company.
01:02:29Wow! Good news for me.
01:02:38I can't believe this is happening right now.
01:02:43What're you gonna do? Gonna come to class on Monday?
01:02:46It wouldn't make much sense now, would it?
01:02:50Stupid idea in the first place.
01:02:54(HARD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
01:03:13Get up out of this bed!
01:03:33(SHOUTING)
01:03:36Hello! Billy's here!
01:03:42Hey,baby!
01:03:44You looking hot tonight!
01:03:47Billy, what has happened to you?
01:03:48We gonna go on a date.
01:03:51You, me, Jack and Frank
01:03:54are gonna go around putting shit on people's doorsteps.
01:03:59And we gonna sets it on fire!
01:04:02Billy, why are you acting like this?
01:04:05I know that you didn't pay off Max.
01:04:08That makes two of us then, baby.
01:04:10But it takes more than two to tango. Or something like that.
01:04:17So let's go!
01:04:18No, let's stay.
01:04:19And the three of you can light dog shit on my living room floor.
01:04:22Come on, Billy, you know that...
01:04:24Talky, talky, talky. No more talky.
01:04:29You got a lighter in here?
01:04:34Oh.
01:04:37I see what's going on in here.
01:04:43So sorry to interrupt!
01:04:52Proceed!
01:04:55Billy, you're losing your mind.
01:05:01All right, boys' night out!
01:05:03Let's go)!
01:05:28(VERONICA GRUNTING)
01:05:30(SCREAMING)
01:05:33I need to talk to you.
01:05:46Geez!
01:05:49What's going on, man?
01:05:54Billy and his girlfriend are playing water polo or something.
01:06:01Hey, maybe they're playing Marco Polo!
01:06:05Marco! Polo!
01:06:07Ah, geez, that was a great game.
01:06:09Yeah.
01:06:15You know what? I got an idea for you.
01:06:17Instead of being an idiot every day,
01:06:19why don't you go back to school, graduate and get the company?
01:06:23'Cause I don't want it anymore. Oh!
01:06:25What do you mean you don't want it anymore?
01:06:27Do I got something coming out of my nose?
01:06:30I can't believe I ever liked someone who could just roll over and die like this.
01:06:33I ain't rolling over and dying! I was set up!
01:06:36And worst of all, nobody believes me.
01:06:38I believe you, Billy. And I believe in you.
01:06:41Some people have no willpower, no brains, no vision.
01:06:45They just drift through life like lumps of crap.
01:06:48What is she talking about?
01:06:51You have all those things. You're just afraid to use 'em.
01:06:54Don't be.
01:06:57You say you're not a loser, Billy Madison, so win.
01:07:16(SINGING) Yes, I will go back to school
01:07:19And achieve victory
01:07:22No man will take what my father has built
01:07:25Unless that man is me
01:07:29My Billy Sweet Billy Boy
01:07:33I knew you would go back
01:07:36No one can stop you if you try
01:07:40Don't I have a nice rack?
01:07:46Veronica, I thank you
01:07:49For beating the shit out of me
01:07:52I see things so clearly now
01:07:55I choose my destiny
01:07:57Oh, Billy, I knew you had it in ya
01:08:01We're here to help you, Billy
01:08:04Get back in school to stay
01:08:08You gotta work real hard And stick it out
01:08:11Till graduation day
01:08:14Hey, kids, it's me
01:08:17I bet you thought that I was dead
01:08:20But when I fell over I just broke my leg
01:08:23And got a hemorrhage in my head
01:08:28There are obstacles in the way
01:08:31But together we shall overcome
01:08:33Overcome
01:08:35You can't break our spirit You can't kill our dreams
01:08:40Do you have any more gum? More gum, more gum, more gum
01:08:44Do you have any more gum?
01:08:55Oh, hello, kids.
01:08:58Mr. Anderson, is that you?
01:09:00Oh! Yes, actually it is.
01:09:04This is just... Well, this is...
01:09:08Normally, I don't allow children to be in my home without parental supervision.
01:09:13So, why don't you just run on... Oh, boy!
01:09:16It sure is great to have all you kids come surprise me like this at my home, but...
01:09:21Mr. Anderson, Billy said the stuff you said didn't happen.
01:09:25Is he lying or are you lying?
01:09:28Ah, well, listen, kids, it's not always as simple as all that.
01:09:35The statement I made about Billy Madison was and is completely untrue.
01:09:41I know now that I shall never escape my fate as the Revolting Blob.
01:09:44No,no,no,no,no!
01:09:49It's something I must learn to live with.
01:09:52Joyce?
01:09:54What a mess.
01:09:58First this psycho goes on TV, lies, then retracts it.
01:10:02And now Eric's secretary is in a coma.
01:10:05Carl, has anybody been able to find out anything about this Max guy?
01:10:11No, sir. He's vanished. Nobody has any idea where he is.
01:10:15I believed in Billy all along.
01:10:17Oh, cut the horseshit!
01:10:18I know you blackmailed Max.
01:10:19BRIAN: Take it easy, Billy.
01:10:21Things were going along great
01:10:23until this wrestling freak messed things up.
01:10:27Billy should get another shot at high school.
01:10:30Hey, rules are rules! Billy was supposed to finish
01:10:34each grade within the two weeks or I get the company.
01:10:37And he didn't finish ninth grade.
01:10:38Eric, certainly there are extenuating circumstances.
01:10:42Extenuating, exmenuating! We had a deal, a signed, written deal.
01:10:46Each grade, two weeks, or I get the company.
01:10:48Well, technically you're right, but...
01:10:51Shut up, Brian! I've had to listen to yourjawing for too long.
01:10:55"Well, technically..."
01:10:57Just shut up!
01:11:00Are you ready to hand the company over to me now?
01:11:02No!
01:11:03Then I'll see your ass in court.
01:11:06Good.
01:11:08Nice talking to ya, shflheadsl
01:11:11Hey, Eric, how would you like to settle this right now? No lawyers.
01:11:14You and me. Mano y mano.
01:11:17What does that mean?
01:11:18What does that mean? Carl, what does that mean?
01:11:21I don't know.
01:11:28It means an academic decathlon: one day, 1O events,
01:11:31testing all the knowledge one would gain in high school.
01:11:34Me versus you!
01:11:36You're joking, right?
01:11:38Let's take it a little easy here, Billy, huh?
01:11:41No, I'm serious. Let's do it. Let's do it on Friday.
01:11:45Let's do it.
01:11:46Is that all right with you, Daddy?
01:11:48Well, if you think you can beat him.
01:11:51Oh, I can! And I will.
01:11:55It's a deal.
01:11:57I know it was you.
01:12:00You broke my heart.
01:12:06Here's the trigonometry and notes for the classes you missed.
01:12:08This is last year's physics notes. It's the best I could do.
01:12:11Thanks a lot, fellas. You're saving my life.
01:12:14(STUDENTS LAUGHING)
01:12:18O'Doyle rules!
01:12:20O'Doyle, I got a feeling your whole family's going down.
01:12:25But for now, I've gotta study.
01:12:28VERONICA: Norman invasion of England.
01:12:321066.
01:12:36That is correct.
01:12:41Magma Carta.
01:12:451215?
01:12:50Yes.
01:12:54Spanish Armada.
01:13:001466.
01:13:05'67.
01:13:071469.
01:13:091514.
01:13:111981.
01:13:131986.
01:13:15Please, do not do that.
01:13:17Come on, I swear... Just hang in there one second.
01:13:20Please, God, give me the answer!
01:13:23(SPANISH LESSON PLAYING ON RECORD)
01:13:32(QUICKLY READING FRENCH)
01:13:39Slow down.
01:13:42(QUICKLY READING FRENCH)
01:13:49Oh!
01:13:55Spanish Armada.
01:13:57Ah, 1588!
01:14:00That is correct.
01:14:13Ladies and gentlemen,
01:14:15thanks to a generous donation by Mr. Madison
01:14:17to the Knibb High School library,
01:14:19I've been able to arrange for 10 different teachers
01:14:22to administer this academic decathlon in various courses cf study.
01:14:26However, if there is any attempt by either contestant to cheat,
01:14:30especially with my wife who is a dirty, dirty tramp,
01:14:35lam just gonna snap. Do I make myself clear?
01:14:40Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
01:14:41All right then. Let the academic decathlon begin!
01:15:13(BILLY LAUGHING)
01:15:29Yes!
01:15:34Second team all-American. Harvard track.
01:15:38Is that right?
01:15:43Oh, gross! Did you see that guy's balls?
01:15:46Yeah. They were weird-looking.
01:15:54Whoa!
01:16:34He's good.
01:16:36"To be or not to be:
01:16:40"that is the question.
01:16:42"Whether 'tis nobler in the mind
01:16:45"to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune..."
01:16:50BILLY: "Or to take arms
01:16:52"against a sea of troubles,
01:16:56"and by opposing end them?
01:17:01"To die:
01:17:03"to sleep. No more."
01:17:08Yea, Billy!
01:17:10Hey, hey, hey!
01:17:12Who rules? ALL: O'Doyle rules!
01:17:15ALL: O'Doyle rules! O'Doyle rules!
01:17:19O'Doyle rules! O'Doyle rules!
01:17:22O'Doyle rules! O'Doyle rules!
01:17:25O'Doyle rules!
01:17:27(EXPLODING)
01:17:42Good afternoon, students.
01:17:44You've been invited here to witness the 10th and final event
01:17:47in the competition between Mr. Eric Gordon and Mr. Billy Madison.
01:17:59As of this moment, Mr. Madison is ahead by one point.
01:18:05Each competitor will select the final category for his opponent.
01:18:09Mr. Madison will go first.
01:18:11Mr. Gordon, choose the topic.
01:18:15"English Literature."
01:18:17"U.S. Presidents."
01:18:20"My Wife, the Tramp."
01:18:23"Burning Dog Poo and the Human Response."
01:18:26"Reflections of Society in Literature."
01:18:29Reflections of Society in Literature.
01:18:33Good luck, schmuck.
01:18:37Mr. Madison, the Industrial Revolution
01:18:40changed the face of the modern novel forever.
01:18:43Discuss, citing specific examples.
01:18:50MAN: Come on, Billy!
01:18:53(CLEARING THROAT)
01:18:58Come on!
01:18:59AUDIENCE: Come on, Billy, you can do it.
01:19:04Okay-
01:19:06The Industrial Revolution to me
01:19:08is just like a story I know called The Puppy Who Lost His Way.
01:19:15The world was changing,
01:19:18and the puppy was getting bigger.
01:19:23So you see, the puppy was like industry
01:19:28in that they were both lost in the woods.
01:19:33And nobody, especially the little boy,
01:19:36"society,"
01:19:39knew where to find them.
01:19:43Except that the puppy was a dog.
01:19:48But the industry, my friends,
01:19:51that was a revolution.
01:19:57Knibb High football rules!
01:20:13Mr. Madison, what you've just said
01:20:17is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard.
01:20:21At no point in your rambling, incoherent response
01:20:25were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought.
01:20:31Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it.
01:20:36I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
01:20:42Okay, a simple "wrong" would've done just fine, but...
01:20:45You remain one point ahead.
01:20:48Mr. Gordon, it is your turn. Mr. Madison, choose the topic.
01:20:58lchoose Business Ethics.
01:21:05Mr. Gordon,
01:21:07the American business environment has fundamentally changed
01:21:10following the insider trading and savings and loan scandals.
01:21:14Explain business ethics and how they are applied today.
01:21:18BOY: Boo!
01:21:28(STAMMERING) The ethics of business
01:21:32can be summarized in...
01:21:35BOY: Boo!
01:21:38Yeah.
01:21:40See...
01:21:42Ethics are...
01:21:45You know the...
01:21:46The thing about ethics...
01:21:48(SCREAMING)
01:21:50(GUN FIRES)
01:21:51(ALL CLAMORING)
01:21:53Thatquesflon was not fair.
01:21:55That was not in the reading. I demand a new question.
01:21:58Take it easy, psycho. You blew it. You lose.
01:22:03I oughta blow you away, you miserable...
01:22:05Go ahead and do it!
01:22:08Yikes!
01:22:10(SCREAMING)
01:22:14No!
01:22:16ERIC: Get off me!
01:22:20(LAUGHING)
01:22:24No!
01:22:32Man, I'm glad I called that guy!
01:22:40Max, are you okay?
01:22:42Yeah. Yeah, I'm okay.
01:22:44Okay.
01:22:45A little confused.
01:22:47Kinda sweaty.
01:22:49A little hungry, but all in all I'm okay.
01:23:04Thank you, thank you, thank you very much.
01:23:08Well, what can I say? I graduated.
01:23:12It's over. I did it.
01:23:14I know most of you are saying, "Hey, any idiot could do that."
01:23:19Well, it was tough for me, so back off!
01:23:24Sorry. Sorry about that.
01:23:25Yahoo, Billy! Billy's number one! Yahoo!
01:23:31BILLY: That's nice, buddy.
01:23:33Yahoo! Yahoo for school!
01:23:37Yahoo for me!
01:23:39(STUDENTS CHEERING)
01:23:41Anyways, this hotel stuff really isn't for me.
01:23:45So I decided to step down as chairman of Madison Hotels
01:23:51and give the company to Carl.
01:23:53(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
01:23:58I'm gonna go to college. I'm gonna be a teacher.
01:24:02(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
01:24:04Peace! I'm outta here!
01:24:08Daddy!
01:24:09What can I say? I saved the day, I guess.
01:24:13Eric doesn't take over the company.
01:24:16Are you sure this is what you want to do?
01:24:18I'm sure, Dad. And thanks for everything.
01:24:21(CHUCKUNG)
01:24:24Max! What can I say, buddy? You saved my life.
01:24:27You don't have to say anything. I'm so proud of you.
01:24:31I'm still horny.
01:24:33Jesus!
01:24:35All right, man, you're hurting me.
01:24:42You think he's horny.
01:24:44Come here.
01:25:44(THE STROKE PLAYING)

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