Hot Tub Time Machine

00:00:31˘Ü Turn it up! ˘Ü
00:00:54˘Ü Turn up the radio ˘Ü
00:00:58˘Ü I need the music Give me some more ˘Ü
00:01:03Come on, Boots, you have three minutes left.
00:01:05You can do this. You came to me, remember?
00:01:08It's not about losing weight. It's about a lifestyle change.
00:01:18Nick, you have a customer.
00:01:21Like we practiced.
00:01:22Right away, Terry.
00:01:27'Sup, dawg?
00:01:30Oh. Ha! Funny.
00:01:32It's the name of the store.
00:01:34What can I do for you, man?
00:01:35Bono has been doing this for three days.
00:01:39It's fucking disgusting.
00:01:40Bring him up here.
00:01:41Bono, Bono, come.
00:01:43Bono, up!
00:01:44Don't yell at him like that.
00:01:46Okay. Okay. Cool. You're gonna...
00:01:48I might just look...
00:01:56Do I know you?
00:01:58I know you.
00:01:59You're the singer from Chocolate Lipstick.
00:02:01You guys used to play at the Jam Shack on Friday nights.
00:02:03Damn! You remember that?
00:02:05You were so good. Yeah.
00:02:06Oh, my God, you still singing?
00:02:07Nah. That was a long time ago.
00:02:10Wow! What are you doing now?
00:02:13You get shit out of dogs' asses.
00:02:16That's great.
00:02:18You own a BMW?
00:02:20Yeah, can you tell?
00:02:26Good boy.
00:02:28Adam, it's Lou. Don't hang up, okay?
00:02:30It's not about money. It's about making money.
00:02:32You and me, buddy.
00:02:34Hi, it's me.
00:02:35So, I did everything according to your stupid fucking plan.
00:02:38I took everything with the yellow stickers
00:02:40and I left you everything with the red stickers.
00:02:45There was some stuff in your closet with no stickers,
00:02:47so I threw that in a pile and burned it in the backyard.
00:02:50Seemed like the right thing to do.
00:02:52And thank you for claiming that empty plastic bottle.
00:02:55I was prepared to fight you on that one.
00:02:58Anyway, I left you something on the counter.
00:03:00It's from the heart.
00:03:05Oh, and one last thing. Um...
00:03:08The TV had a red sticker on it, but I took it anyway.
00:03:16Just keeping my head down.
00:03:21Not getting shivved today. Let's knock these reps out. Mmm! Mmm!
00:03:30Turn on a light, Jake. Open a window.
00:03:33Go outdoors. Jesus Christ!
00:03:35Why don't you get out of the house this weekend, huh?
00:03:37What should I do out of the house, Uncle Adam?
00:03:40I don't know. Anything that corresponds with reality.
00:03:43Apply for a job. Maybe try to go to college.
00:03:45I don't know. That all sounds kind of overrated.
00:03:47You don't like it, you can move back in with your mom.
00:03:48No, I can't actually. She moved in with her new boyfriend.
00:03:51I will not be anywhere near that.
00:03:52She moved in with him?
00:03:54Yeah, the taxidermist.
00:03:56The taxidermist is stuffing my mother.
00:03:58Ugh! Kelly.
00:04:00She's your sister. You should call her once in a while. Check in.
00:04:02Well, maybe she should check in with me. Ever think of that?
00:04:04Yeah. That's interesting.
00:04:05Listen, I've got a big court date in a few minutes.
00:04:07- If I miss it, I'm kind of screwed. - Why do you waste your time
00:04:09with that Second Life bullshit?
00:04:11Look at you, you're still in jail. You were in jail last week.
00:04:13Yeah. I'm a prisoner. It's called "doing hard time."
00:04:15Can't you be like a warrior or a shaman
00:04:17or an Orc or some shit like that?
00:04:18No, no. In life, you make choices,
00:04:20and if you screw up you have to pay for those choices.
00:04:22You're 20 years old, you haven't made an important choice in your life.
00:04:24What are you mad about? What is this?
00:04:28I don't know if you noticed, but Lily moved out.
00:04:31Is that what all the shuffling was?
00:04:34What did you do?
00:04:37I didn't do anything.
00:04:57No fucking way!
00:05:05˘Ü You know I'm a dreamer ˘Ü
00:05:08˘Ü But my heart's of gold ˘Ü
00:05:12˘Ü I had to run away high ˘Ü
00:05:15˘Ü So I wouldn't come home low Just when things went... ˘Ü
00:05:25˘Ü And you'll never be left all alone ˘Ü
00:05:30˘Ü I'm on my way ˘Ü
00:05:36˘Ü Home sweet home ˘Ü
00:05:41˘Ü Tonight, tonight I'm on my way ˘Ü
00:05:46˘Ü Home sweet home ˘Ü
00:05:50Even among the gentle prairie squirrels,
00:05:52The mate-less male is subjected to a humiliating ritual.
00:06:11Hey. Adam.
00:06:13- What's happening, man? - Hey.
00:06:15You all right?
00:06:18- Hi, Courtney. - Hey, how you doing?
00:06:20- Nice to see you. - You, too.
00:06:22- Yeah. - Not here.
00:06:23Long time.
00:06:25Yeah. You know...
00:06:27Work's been crazy and...
00:06:29- I know. - I called a couple of times.
00:06:32Yeah. Yeah.
00:06:33Very, very busy.
00:06:35You think this is a real situation
00:06:38or just one of his bullshit episodes?
00:06:40I don't know.
00:06:42You never know with Lou.
00:06:43Well, hey, Adam, how's your girlfriend?
00:06:45Oh, really bad.
00:06:51Happy times.
00:06:52Hi, folks. I'm Dr. Jeff. Lou's resting.
00:06:55He's denying that it was a suicide attempt and medically he's stable,
00:06:59so legally we can't keep him here.
00:07:00But we do think that he should be monitored for a few days.
00:07:03Does he have any family?
00:07:04Lou's family all kind of hate him.
00:07:06Okay. Well, then I guess it's up to you guys, his friends.
00:07:09You are his friends, right?
00:07:13It's like that friend who's the asshole.
00:07:15But he's our asshole, you know?
00:07:23Dr. Jefferies to radiology.
00:07:26Lou. Why would he do this?
00:07:29Why? I mean, make a list.
00:07:31He's an alcoholic, he's divorced.
00:07:33Wife ran off with that Jamaican guy.
00:07:35He's failed at every jive-ass money hustle he's ever tried.
00:07:38He's in a mountain of debt.
00:07:40He hates his mother.
00:07:41He hates himself. He hates everybody.
00:07:42He has erectile dysfunction.
00:07:44He's got halitosis.
00:07:45He's got that runt ball.
00:07:48He said one of his balls was shriveled up...
00:07:50Oh, yeah. a spoiled grape.
00:07:53Wasn't it that quarterback on the Bears
00:07:55who had his ball crushed on the field. Right?
00:07:58- Yeah. - Yeah.
00:07:59- Right, right. - '82? Yeah, yeah.
00:08:02He came back from that, though.
00:08:03Strong as ever.
00:08:04Fuck yeah.
00:08:06But I don't know about Lou.
00:08:07- It's just like... - No.
00:08:08It's just like an accumulation of punishment.
00:08:11Fuck you guys.
00:08:12- Oh! - Hey!
00:08:14There he is. Hey.
00:08:16I can fucking hear everything you're saying, all right?
00:08:18Look who's awake. What's up, man?
00:08:22- Hey. - Hey, man.
00:08:23What's up?
00:08:25You look just like my friend Nick.
00:08:28And you look like my friend Adam.
00:08:30But you wouldn't be those guys because
00:08:31I've been calling and calling them,
00:08:32and they haven't returned my calls.
00:08:33So, listen, Violator.
00:08:36Me and Nick got a little surprise for you.
00:08:38Something special that the three of us can do.
00:08:41Come on. You guys.
00:08:43- Are you curious? - No!
00:08:44I didn't fucking try and kill myself.
00:08:46If I wanted to kill myself, I'd fucking kill myself.
00:08:49I'd be awesome at it.
00:08:50A shotgun to the dick.
00:08:53I'm glad you didn't do it.
00:08:54It's good to see you guys, anyway.
00:08:58So, just out of curiosity, what's the surprise?
00:09:02Tell him.
00:09:08No fucking way!
00:09:09- Yes, sir. - Yeah.
00:09:10Fucking K-Vals? Holy shit!
00:09:12Yes, sir. Bang!
00:09:14We fucking ski, right? We fucking rage.
00:09:17Chimney Point at the end of the night
00:09:18with a bottle of scotch to wash it all down. Oh!
00:09:22And you guys are paying for the whole thing?
00:09:25- Sure. - Yep.
00:09:26Let's go tonight.
00:09:27We go tomorrow.
00:09:28Let's go now. Let's go now.
00:09:29I just got to get rid of this thing. It's really uncomfortable.
00:09:32You should wait for the nurse or something.
00:09:33I got it. I got it.
00:09:34- Hold on, Lou. - No, no, no, no.
00:09:35Let somebody do that for you.
00:09:46- Oh, shit. - God.
00:09:48Did I get that on you?
00:09:49- Yes, you did. - Damn it!
00:09:50It's only pee. Relax, it's only pee.
00:09:58There's Lou.
00:09:59Good, he's drinking already.
00:10:00Look at this shit.
00:10:02Do you remember when I was 12 and he tried to bite me?
00:10:04Yeah, but he... You had that coming.
00:10:08- Hey, Violator. - Lou.
00:10:10What the fuck is he doing here?
00:10:12It's nice to see you, too, Lou.
00:10:13"Nice to see you, too, Lou." Fuck you, Jacob.
00:10:16You suck and you know it.
00:10:18You just ruined my fucking weekend.
00:10:30Hey, Lily will come back. Trust me.
00:10:33- No, she won't. - No, she won't.
00:10:35- No, she won't. - No, she won't.
00:10:36She basically thinks I'm an asshole, you know?
00:10:38Like a completely self-absorbed, delusional...
00:10:40- She's got a point. - ...narcissistic.
00:10:42- Fuck you. - You're better off.
00:10:44Take my word for it. Look at me.
00:10:46Fuck wives, man. Fuck kids.
00:10:48Lock it down or they will take everything from you.
00:10:52God damn it! Who the fuck are you texting with?
00:10:55Just a friend of mine.
00:10:56Male or fucking female?
00:10:58For your information, I've had a lot of girlfriends.
00:11:01Hot ones.
00:11:02You have had lots of boyfriends. Gay ones.
00:11:09Hey, hey, hey, check this out.
00:11:11I brought a regulation bar for tubbing tonight.
00:11:15I've got vodka, fucking Tequilles O'Neals.
00:11:18You guys are gonna love this. Check this out.
00:11:22It's like the Russian Red Bull.
00:11:24It's got shit in it that's not even legal here.
00:11:25Like what shit?
00:11:27How the fuck am I supposed to know, dude?
00:11:28But it's illegal.
00:11:30Hey, why didn't we just go to Pinnacle?
00:11:32It would have taken, like, half the time.
00:11:33You wanna go to Kodiak Valley, trust me.
00:11:35You're at the right age for it.
00:11:38Yeah. Nobody gets carded and everybody gets laid.
00:11:41- K-Val! K-Val! K-Val! - K-Val! K-Val! K-Val!
00:11:45Oh, shit! K-Val!
00:11:53This? This is the coolest town ever?
00:11:56Fuck! That used to be Papa Enzo's.
00:11:59I broke up with Jenny Stedmeyer there.
00:12:02What made you break up with her, again?
00:12:03I don't know. We swapped virginities junior year.
00:12:06All we did was listen to records and have sex.
00:12:07And she was epic, I mean she was... She was epic.
00:12:10Yeah, man. She was hot.
00:12:11And then when I broke up with her, she was so mad,
00:12:13she practically stabbed me in the eye with a fork.
00:12:15Actually, she did stab me in the eye with a fork.
00:12:18She was a one-percenter, man.
00:12:20All downhill from there.
00:12:22That was a big one. First love.
00:12:25The one that got away.
00:12:26The great white buffalo.
00:12:28- Yeah. - Yeah.
00:12:29The great what?
00:12:31Great white buffalo.
00:12:33Why are you guys whispering?
00:12:35Great white buffalo.
00:12:37That was really helpful, you guys. Thank you.
00:12:46Look at this place.
00:12:48I'm gonna make a prediction right now.
00:12:50One of us is gonna start writing a novel,
00:12:52and then we all get snowed in,
00:12:53and then Lou's gonna ax murder all of us.
00:13:02What's that smell?
00:13:04Fucking cats.
00:13:06Kind of a lot of cats. This sucks.
00:13:09- Hi. - Hi.
00:13:11You got a reservation
00:13:12For Webber-Agnew?
00:13:14Sorry. What was that name again?
00:13:16Webber-Agnew. Webber and Agnew.
00:13:19I got a "Nick Webber-Agnew."
00:13:20I'm sorry, excuse me. What? What did you just say?
00:13:27You took your wife's last name? You're a fucking hyphenate?
00:13:30A lot of dudes are doing it. It's progressive.
00:13:32No. No dudes are doing it.
00:13:34You look like a progressive guy. Is that progressive?
00:13:35- Would you do that? No. - No.
00:13:37And he has a goatee.
00:13:42Does this guy seem a little imbalanced to you?
00:13:44No. Come on.
00:13:45He's right there. Shut up.
00:13:48Let me give you a hand with that.
00:13:51I am not going to tell you again!
00:13:57I can handle it.
00:13:59This guy's a fucking dick.
00:14:01- Shh. He's disabled. - He can hear you.
00:14:03So what? He's exempt from common fucking courtesy
00:14:05'cause he can't start a round of applause?
00:14:08He's gotta jerk off one-handed?
00:14:10I mean, I certainly don't take my hands
00:14:12and I put them together and oil them up...
00:14:14Hey, 420. Our old room. Check it out.
00:14:18- That's okay man. - Oh! Those are mine.
00:14:20I'll just get those.
00:14:28This is the part where you tip the guy that helped you out.
00:14:32I'm not the guy that...
00:14:35Nick, pay the man something.
00:14:36I got it. Don't worry.
00:14:37This place looks like shit!
00:14:39What happened to that guy?
00:14:41Check this shit out. It's still there.
00:14:44Adam sucks cocks 'n' dicks.
00:14:47It's your best work.
00:14:49Fucking burned you.
00:14:52Hey, guys, come take a look at this.
00:14:53We got a hot tub.
00:14:57- Sweet Jesus! - Poor little fella.
00:14:59This is obviously unacceptable, right?
00:15:02We call downstairs, get somebody to fix this?
00:15:04Is anybody else hungry?
00:15:08A little school spirit this time, huh?
00:15:10- We're in, man. - Just play it like you fucking mean it.
00:15:12- Like that. - Yeah.
00:15:15Yes, I would like to get a hooker to fuck me and my friends.
00:15:20What? Adam, I'm not doing that.
00:15:22Whatever, semantics.
00:15:23I want an escort to escort our penises into her vagina.
00:15:28I want the girl in the picture, too.
00:15:30- No tomfoolery. - Wake her up, I don't care.
00:15:33Will you listen to him?
00:15:34Does she do four?
00:15:35What about three?
00:15:37- Okay. Jacob, you're out. - Okay. Good.
00:15:39I need $3,000.
00:15:41I'm not in. I'm married.
00:15:42- Adam, I need $2,000. Me and you, buddy. - Come on.
00:15:45I'm out there, Violator.
00:15:46Can I call you back, sir?
00:15:48- Okay. Thank you. Bye. - Sir?
00:15:50Let's do something fun. Let's create a memory, huh?
00:15:52Let's get some cocaine and break into a school.
00:15:55Or steal a cop car or some shit, huh?
00:15:58- Do you have Ritalin? - No.
00:15:59Don't fucking lie to me. Every one of you people have Ritalin.
00:16:03No, I don't.
00:16:04I'm sorry. You probably do have Ritalin.
00:16:06I have some Ativan, but it's different.
00:16:08- Let's stick it up our asses. - Just give it to him.
00:16:09No. It's not a suppository.
00:16:11It doesn't matter. You crush it, you put it in a warm paper towel,
00:16:13run it under warm some water and you stick it right up your ass. That works.
00:16:16You put the paper towel up your ass, too?
00:16:18- You crush up the... - Hey, I got an idea,
00:16:19- why don't we just play quarters? - What?
00:16:20I don't know what the fuck I'm gonna do. I'm getting really sad.
00:16:23You know what I'm talking about?
00:16:25I'm gonna go to the bathroom and be alone with my own thoughts.
00:16:27Who knows what's gonna happen up there.
00:16:29Who knows what's gonna happen.
00:16:30You better plan something fun.
00:16:35Pussies. I'm going dancing.
00:16:37I don't know, man. Maybe coming here was a bad idea.
00:16:39Yeah. If he kills himself, can we go home?
00:16:43Hard to believe this is the very room
00:16:45we had some of the best weekends of our lives.
00:16:47Really? In this room right here?
00:16:52We were young. We had momentum. We were winning.
00:16:57We were best friends.
00:16:59What do you mean, "were" best friends?
00:17:00You know what I mean, man. Everybody seemed to care more.
00:17:03Everything seemed to matter more back then.
00:17:18Check it out. They must have fixed it.
00:17:21Come on!
00:17:23- How's the water, Violator? - Oh, man.
00:17:25You guys gotta get in here. It's gonna fucking change you.
00:17:28Wait, why are you naked?
00:17:30You're all getting naked?
00:17:32You don't think it's a little weird,
00:17:33a bunch of guys just piling up
00:17:35in a big bathtub together, naked?
00:17:36Are you afraid that some of these people might see you?
00:17:38I'm sorry. If I'm being honest,
00:17:40I'm not totally comfortable being around a bunch of other naked dudes.
00:17:43It's called male bonding, okay?
00:17:45Haven't you even seen Wild Hogs?
00:17:47Fine, get us some snacks.
00:17:49You know what? Fuck it.
00:17:51I'm leaving my underwear on.
00:17:53Yeah. Yeah. Very nice. Shut up!
00:17:57Damn, it's good to be here with you all again, man.
00:18:00- It's good to be back here with you guys. - Yep.
00:18:02I want to toast to the good times.
00:18:04And you, too, young blood. Come on in, here.
00:18:11˘Ü This style seems wild ˘Ü
00:18:13˘Ü Wait before you treat me like a stepchild ˘Ü
00:18:15˘Ü Let me tell you why they got me on file ˘Ü
00:18:17˘Ü 'Cause I give you what you lack ˘Ü
00:18:18˘Ü Come right and exact I stand accused of doing harm ˘Ü
00:18:21˘Ü 'Cause I'm louder than a bomb ˘Ü
00:18:23˘Ü Come on Come on, louder ˘Ü
00:18:25˘Ü Come on Come on ˘Ü
00:18:27- Go, Violator! - I'm gonna throw up.
00:18:28Snap out of it! Out the tub! Out the tub!
00:18:31I'm good. I'm good. I'm good.
00:18:33˘Ü I am a rock hard trooper To the bone, the bone, the bone ˘Ü
00:18:37˘Ü Full grown Consider me stone ˘Ü
00:18:39˘Ü Once again and I say it for you to know ˘Ü
00:18:42˘Ü The troop is always ready I yell "Geronimo" ˘Ü
00:18:44˘Ü Your CIA, you see I ain't kiddin' ˘Ü
00:18:46˘Ü Both King and X They got rid of both ˘Ü
00:18:51˘Ü And not the braggin' or boastin' and plus ˘Ü
00:18:53˘Ü It ain't no secret why they're tappin' my phone ˘Ü
00:18:55˘Ü Although I can't keep it a secret ˘Ü
00:18:57˘Ü So I decided to kick it, yo ˘Ü
00:18:58˘Ü And yes it weighs a ton ˘Ü
00:19:00˘Ü I say it once again ˘Ü
00:19:01˘Ü Tappin' my phone They never leave me alone ˘Ü
00:19:04˘Ü 'Cause I'm louder than a bomb ˘Ü
00:19:23Hey, little buddy.
00:19:38Where did the squirrel go?
00:19:42Yeah. Yeah!
00:19:44- This is the black diamond? - Shit.
00:19:45- Terrifying. - That's all you got?
00:19:47- I don't remember this. - What do you think, boys?
00:19:49Tips down.
00:19:50Tips fucking down, right away.
00:19:52Let's ride.
00:20:06I feel 19 again!
00:20:11What is that?
00:20:14Stop it, Lou.
00:20:15Stop it, Lou!
00:20:22Coming through!
00:20:23You goddamn kids!
00:20:29- Slow down! - Hey!
00:20:31Yard sale, bitches!
00:21:00We dead.
00:21:01Are you guys alive? Holy fuck.
00:21:05By all counts we should be pretty fucked up right now, but I...
00:21:09I kind of feel great.
00:21:10I feel crazy right now.
00:21:11I feel fantastic!
00:21:13I wanna fuck something!
00:21:20There they are.
00:21:21I see it, Chaz. Thanks.
00:21:24What is that one plank thing that guy's got?
00:21:26I don't care. It's going up his ass.
00:21:31Way to go, rookie!
00:21:34Wow! Nice.
00:21:36Whoa! Whoa! Whoa...
00:21:39Those are the kind of ski shenanigans I don't allow on my mountain.
00:21:42Yeah. Come on, guys.
00:21:45What are you looking at, Nancy?
00:21:47No. I mean...
00:21:49Hey, look, it's the douche bag from Karate Kid III.
00:21:57I know that guy.
00:22:21Hey, guys.
00:22:22Is there some kind of weird retro thing going on this weekend?
00:22:24Can't get any bars.
00:22:26Morty! Yeah, it's Chuck.
00:22:28You're never gonna believe where I'm calling you from, man.
00:22:31I'm on a mountain on my phone! Yeah.
00:22:35Yeah, well, a bet's a bet. I want my $2.
00:22:43I'm telling you, something weird is going on.
00:22:45Demand your MTV.
00:22:48I want my MTV.
00:22:52˘Ü S-A-F-E-T-Y ˘Ü
00:22:58˘Ü Safe, dance! ˘Ü
00:23:06I love your hair.
00:23:10I have a question.
00:23:11...can still tell me that's true.
00:23:14But the facts and the evidence tell me it is...
00:23:27Dude is rocking a cassette player.
00:23:28Just relax. I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation
00:23:30- for all this shit. - Don't fucking tell me to relax.
00:23:32I said relax for a minute.
00:23:33Leg warmers?
00:23:35Jheri curl?
00:23:36"Where's the beef?"
00:23:38Excuse me, miss, what color is Michael Jackson?
00:23:48Hold on! Sorry. Excuse me. Sorry.
00:23:52Nick, come on, man! Nick! Nick!
00:23:54Who the fuck is that?
00:23:55That's probably Ashton Kolchak right now
00:23:57telling us we've been punked or whatever.
00:23:59- Okay. - Come on. Come on.
00:24:05Hey. Hey, guys. I've got your luggage.
00:24:08He's got both arms. Get him!
00:24:14- What? - Check his arm.
00:24:16- Are you raping? - Wait! Hold on! Are we raping him?
00:24:18Nobody's raping anybody!
00:24:19Where's your missing arm, motherfucker?
00:24:21Hey! God! That's my arm!
00:24:24- It's fake! - It's real!
00:24:25It's got freckles on it and shit!
00:24:36Do I really got to be the asshole that says
00:24:38we got in this thing and went back in time?
00:24:41It must be some kind of hot tub time machine.
00:24:47Wow, my old stuff.
00:24:49Look at this shit, man.
00:24:50You have a bong?
00:24:51I did.
00:24:53"Eddie Lives." This shirt got me so much fucking pussy.
00:24:55You wanna see what got a lot of pussy?
00:24:56What's the tape recorder for?
00:24:57- Recording tape. - I gotta take a piss.
00:24:59- This jacket right here, baby. - Holy fuck!
00:25:00What are you, Hunter S. Thompson?
00:25:01- I thought I was. - Is that coke?
00:25:04What the fuck you think it is? Baby powder?
00:25:06Wait. How is this happening?
00:25:07Can we talk about this for a minute?
00:25:14Holy fuck! Winterfest '86. We were here, man.
00:25:17- Guys. - We are here.
00:25:19What if we run into ourselves?
00:25:21We see ourselves and we blow up and explode or some shit.
00:25:24Get in here!
00:25:25Didn't you all fucking see Timecop?
00:25:27God damn it! Get the fuck in here right now!
00:25:29Nobody wants to see your giant shit, Lou.
00:25:30What, man?
00:25:43Yeah, we're not gonna run into ourselves.
00:25:46We are ourselves.
00:25:47Why are we in our young bodies and you in your regular body?
00:25:50I don't know.
00:25:51Shouldn't you be invisible?
00:25:52Or swimming around some guy's ball sack?
00:25:54I know. Because you guys exist here and I don't.
00:25:58Hey, why are you flickering?
00:26:00- What? - What? What? Who flickered?
00:26:02- He did. - He's flickering.
00:26:04I need you to touch my arm or something
00:26:05to see if I'm still real, okay?
00:26:06Just see if you can put your hand through me.
00:26:13That's good.
00:26:15I'm physically still here. That's good, I think.
00:26:20You look like Kid 'N Play.
00:26:22That's actually two people.
00:26:27I knew this trip was a bad idea.
00:26:28Every time I hang out with you, man, it's some kind of shit storm.
00:26:31I got guilted into coming on this trip
00:26:33and now I'm back in the fucking '80s.
00:26:34And I hate this decade!
00:26:35Maybe it's your fucking fault!
00:26:37You're a fucking insurance salesman, you're practically the devil.
00:26:40Guys! This is scientifically possible.
00:26:42Oh, my God. Okay, Professor Hawking, tell me in your robot voice
00:26:45how this is scientifically possible.
00:26:47All right, I write Stargate fan fiction,
00:26:49so I think I know what I'm talking about right now.
00:26:51I seriously almost passed out, you're such a dork.
00:26:54Okay. The tub is obviously some kind of energy vortex, right?
00:26:56Like a black hole.
00:26:57But, instead of being in space,
00:27:01it's in a hot tub.
00:27:02Time is not linear, we just perceive it that way!
00:27:05- What? - Like The Terminator!
00:27:07It's cyclical, right?
00:27:09The machines send Schwarzenegger back to kill Sarah Connor
00:27:12so that John Connor could never be born.
00:27:14But if John Connor don't send Michael Biehn back to protect her,
00:27:17then they never fuck, and John Connor ain't born in the first place!
00:27:22- It checks out. - Yeah, that's pretty good.
00:27:23Wait, wait, check the fucking drawer. See if the carving's there.
00:27:26Check the fucking drawer.
00:27:33It's gone.
00:27:35This shit is real.
00:27:36The carving you made 20 years ago,
00:27:38about me sucking cocks and dicks,
00:27:41- it's not there. - Wait.
00:27:44Is "cocks" still there?
00:27:45Nothing. I mean, it's not there.
00:27:47What about "dicks"?
00:27:48Neither "cocks," nor "dicks," nor "sucks."
00:27:51Oh, God!
00:27:53That's it. We stuck in the fucking '80s!
00:27:57How am I supposed to get a job?
00:28:00I'm so scared.
00:28:03Looks like you burned out your...
00:28:05Heck, you fried your timing crossover.
00:28:09Would you mind putting that down, sir,
00:28:11that coal shovel, before somebody gets hurt?
00:28:15Did somebody call you?
00:28:16Excuse me one minute.
00:28:23Who ever calls us?
00:28:26And who answers when the call comes from within? Huh?
00:28:31I thought maybe I could pull the part from one of the other tubs.
00:28:35But it turns out this is a very special model that you have here.
00:28:39You've got to be very careful, I tell you.
00:28:41One little thing is changed, the whole system can go haywire.
00:28:46Do you understand what I'm saying?
00:28:48The whole system can go haywire
00:28:50if you change one little thing.
00:28:53Wait a minute. We need that to get back in time?
00:28:56Well, you're back here.
00:28:57I mean, I can tell you've all been to Kodiak Valley before.
00:29:01- I haven't. - Maybe not her,
00:29:02but I know that you were here.
00:29:05You know what's going on here, don't you, old man?
00:29:07Yes, I do.
00:29:09Your tub is on the fritz. It'd behoove you to fix it.
00:29:14It's working.
00:29:19Damn. I think it's still broke.
00:29:24Where'd he go?
00:29:25That motherfucker's in on it, man.
00:29:27What was all that cryptic shit he was saying
00:29:28about not changing one little thing?
00:29:30I know exactly what he meant. He was talking about the butterfly effect.
00:29:32That was a great fucking movie.
00:29:34One little change has a ripple effect
00:29:36and it affects everything else.
00:29:38Like, a butterfly floats its wings
00:29:40and Tokyo explodes, or there's a tsunami in, like, somewhere.
00:29:43Dude, yes, exactly. Or you step on a bug
00:29:45and the fucking Internet's never invented.
00:29:47Then you have to talk to girls with your mouth.
00:29:50Yeah. I was more concerned about bigger consequences,
00:29:53like me not being born.
00:29:54Oh, yeah. No, I don't care about that.
00:29:55The point is, what did we do 20 years ago?
00:29:58Let's figure it out right now.
00:29:59We gotta do the exact same thing.
00:30:02- I had that gig. - That's right.
00:30:04You got up on stage and you were wildly mediocre.
00:30:07And that led to nothing of a career.
00:30:09Okay, first of all, fuck you, motherfucker!
00:30:11I could have had a career, but I got married and I went a different way.
00:30:14Which way is that? The way that sucked?
00:30:16Didn't you also bang that groupie?
00:30:17- What was her name? - Tara.
00:30:19You banged her. You got to go do that again.
00:30:22I did do that. But, fuck, no, I'm married!
00:30:26I can't go around banging girls in hot tubs.
00:30:27Nick, it's 1986. You can't cheat on someone you don't know yet.
00:30:31You haven't even met Courtney.
00:30:33Lucifer, itinerary please.
00:30:35Uh... Nothing really happened.
00:30:36I actually fucked a chick, too. So I'll just do that.
00:30:38I seem to remember you getting your ass whooped.
00:30:42- Oh, yeah. - That's right.
00:30:43That ski patrol dude pummeled you like it was his job.
00:30:46Yeah, no. I don't remember it that way.
00:30:47I do.
00:30:48Yeah. He fucked you up. You cried and peed.
00:30:51Fuck this, man! This is fucking bullshit!
00:30:54Would you just think of somebody other than yourself, man?
00:30:56There's four of us.
00:30:57It's the fucking '80s, guys!
00:30:59Let's do what we wanna do. Free love!
00:31:02That's the '60s, dipshit.
00:31:04No, we had, like, Reagan and AIDS.
00:31:06Let's get the fuck out of here, okay?
00:31:08Do the right thing, Violator.
00:31:09God damn it! This is fucking bullshit!
00:31:12Tonight's the night you broke up with Jenny Stedmeyer.
00:31:14- Shit. - Yeah, you got stabbed
00:31:16in the fucking eyeball tonight!
00:31:18Hey, man, do you want backup?
00:31:20I can't, the butterflies won't let me.
00:31:22Yo, Adam? You guys in there?
00:31:23Oh, shit.
00:31:28There you are. Hey!
00:31:30How come you guys didn't meet us at the chair lift this morning?
00:31:32You were going to show me some moves.
00:31:33Hi, baby. I missed you.
00:31:38I must have forgot.
00:31:40Perv. That's from Mandy.
00:31:43- Hey, new guy. What's up? - Hey.
00:31:44So we're in 214. I'm gonna go get ready.
00:31:47- Okay. - Meet me in my room, okay?
00:31:48- Okay. - Okay.
00:31:50Love the PJs, Nick. You look hot.
00:31:54Poison's tonight.
00:31:57I don't remember her being that fucking beautiful.
00:31:59And tight. She's so tight.
00:32:02She's really fucking tight!
00:32:04She's the great white buffalo, man.
00:32:05- Great white buffalo. - Great white buffalo.
00:32:06Don't start that.
00:32:08- Great white buffalo. - Great white buffalo.
00:32:10Why did I ever break up with her?
00:32:11Why would I break up with her?
00:32:12Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter.
00:32:13'Cause you have to do it again. Right?
00:32:15Right, right, right.
00:32:16All right. We're all gonna meet back here.
00:32:18Hopefully that hot tub's fixed and we can get the fuck out of here.
00:32:20Okay, let's party like it's 1986.
00:32:21All right. On three?
00:32:23- One, two, three... - One, two, three...
00:32:24- Hot tub time machine! - Wait...
00:32:25What are we... What's the...
00:32:27Who said, "Hot tub time machine?"
00:32:28We didn't tell you about the new thing, with our hands?
00:32:29- No. - On three, we always...
00:32:30From now on, we're gonna say, "Hot tub time machine."
00:32:32I told you, I think that's fucking stupid.
00:32:33You were in the bathroom.
00:32:34No, but this is a real bonding event for us.
00:32:35This doesn't happen all the time.
00:32:36- Come on. - I'm telling you, it's stupid.
00:32:38- Do it once. - Do what you want to do.
00:32:39It would have been 3-to-1 anyway.
00:32:41One, two, three... tub time machine!
00:32:43It felt good. Admit it.
00:32:58Let's get this party started!
00:33:01Who is carrying me home tonight?
00:33:04Sweet fucking Lord.
00:33:07Hey, bro, Nicholas.
00:33:08Hey, girl.
00:33:10Who's the geek?
00:33:11He's your son.
00:33:13That's not appropriate.
00:33:15I'm sun... Sunshine.
00:33:17'Cause I'm here to brighten your day.
00:33:18That's Jacob. Your...
00:33:21He's totally cool.
00:33:22He doesn't look cool.
00:33:23He's not that cool. Hey, Kelly.
00:33:26Lou Dorchen. Yeah...
00:33:28You don't remember this?
00:33:30I don't remember everything.
00:33:31What the fuck, man? This is freaking me the fuck out.
00:33:33You freak out every time you leave the basement.
00:33:34All right, kiddies, get your snow boots on
00:33:35because tonight there is gonna be a blizzard.
00:33:38Really? It looked pretty clear out.
00:33:40Anybody wanna go for a little sleigh ride?
00:33:42You can't do cocaine! It's so unhealthy for you.
00:33:45Kelly, in public?
00:33:48I'm gonna go to a party at the ski patrol house,
00:33:50I'm gonna find a sexy instructor
00:33:51and I'm gonna wax his fucking pole.
00:33:54Later, homos. Don't drink my fucking drink.
00:33:59Hey, Adam?
00:34:00What she means is that she works at the ski rental place, right?
00:34:03And that's her job, is cleaning the poles.
00:34:05I could be off, but I think it's in reference to blowing a dude.
00:34:08Thank you, Nick. But that's... You don't need to...
00:34:11Or fucking a dude. Because the wax,
00:34:12it can be interpreted either way.
00:34:15She was a free spirit, you know?
00:34:17Or maybe she's the pole and there's two dudes that she's waxing.
00:34:21Let's justget it done, man. Come on.
00:34:24- Hey, Lou. - What?
00:34:26Did my mom, like, sleep with a bunch of dudes?
00:34:29I don't know. Shut up.
00:34:30But she seems kind of slutty, right?
00:34:31Does she seem that way to you?
00:34:34It's just, she never told me who my dad is.
00:34:35It could be any one of these guys.
00:34:37'Cause I was born, like, nine months from now.
00:34:39Yeah? So what does that mean?
00:34:41It means do the math, dipshit.
00:34:42I could have been conceived this weekend.
00:34:44Oh, shit. Check this out.
00:34:46That's that fucking bellhop. I hate that guy.
00:34:50This must be where he loses the arm!
00:34:56- Shit! - Thank you!
00:34:58I think we should tell him. This is gruesome.
00:35:00Don't you dare fucking tell him.
00:35:01You'll screw the time thing up.
00:35:19What the fuck?
00:35:24Boo! We just got fucking robbed.
00:35:27What are you talking about?
00:35:29- He's great, man. - Come on!
00:35:34I'm in the bathroom. Come in.
00:35:37What do you think?
00:35:39Oh, my God.
00:35:40What? Do I look fat?
00:35:43No. You look really beautiful.
00:35:47Aw! Thank you.
00:35:53How about me, do I look different?
00:35:54Do I look kind of older?
00:35:59You look cute, though.
00:36:01God, I can't stop thinking about last night.
00:36:03It was like frigging hot.
00:36:05It was? What did we do? I don't remember.
00:36:08You lasted, like, 10 minutes.
00:36:13Good, good.
00:36:15And I was good.
00:36:16I think I came. I think. I can't even tell you what it was like.
00:36:20I got some vague recollection of that.
00:36:23Wanna maybe just sit and talk for a minute?
00:36:26Well, I mean, you know, it's just so good to see you again.
00:36:34It's not you. It's me.
00:36:43You know what, I think we should go to Poison now.
00:36:46You're weird today.
00:36:47I know. You are funny.
00:36:49Let me just get dressed.
00:36:58Oh, man!
00:37:00This is trippy.
00:37:02What's up?
00:37:03Man, I can't even remember the last time I saw you guys.
00:37:10Oh, yeah. Yesterday.
00:37:21It's not cheating.It's not cheating. It's 1986.
00:37:25You don't even know Courtney yet.
00:37:28You know, it's okay if you're scared, Lou.
00:37:30I'm not scared, idiot. I'm fucking pissed.
00:37:33I have a full head of hair and a functioning penis,
00:37:35and I'm looking for some guy to drill me in the fucking jaw.
00:37:37We're not gonna find him here, anyway.
00:37:38I don't even remember what he looks like.
00:37:44- Walk much, faggot? - Sorry.
00:37:46What? No, don't touch me. The fuck, you're sorry.
00:37:48You scuffed up my Jordans.
00:37:51You wanna go for it? Come on, take a shot, pussy. Wanna party?
00:37:54Wanna be a hero?
00:37:56And here it comes.
00:38:02Yeah, you gonna cry? You gonna cry, titty baby?
00:38:06You gonna fucking cry? Look at him he's crying.
00:38:09Your fucking bag is mine now.
00:38:12Is that it?
00:38:15No, I yell back at him
00:38:17and I challenge him to a rematch at midnight saying,
00:38:19"You bring your friends and I'll bring mine."
00:38:20And my friends don't fucking show up.
00:38:22So I get pummeled by six guys instead of one.
00:38:24All right, fantastic. Let's do this.
00:38:29Lou, come on. You have to.
00:38:33Hey, Blaine.
00:38:35Is that all you got? Pussy.
00:38:41Oh, God. Yeah.
00:38:45I'll never go back. I'll never go back.
00:38:50Are you crying?
00:38:53It's the water splashing my face from all the fucking.
00:38:56Okay, good.
00:38:58Because I thought you were crying, and I was like...
00:39:02I'm sorry, Courtney.
00:39:04- It's Tara. - Courtney!
00:39:06Tara. Tara.
00:39:07Courtney! Courtney!
00:39:08No, seriously, my name is Tara.
00:39:11No, my wife, my wife.
00:39:15You're married?
00:39:16No, I'm not married. Not now, anyway.
00:39:18I will be. She's nine right now.
00:39:27Can I tell you something that I haven't told anybody?
00:39:30She cheated on me.
00:39:33I found a e-mail.
00:39:36And now every time I look at her,
00:39:38all I can see is her getting rammed by
00:39:40some faceless dude with a better body and a bigger dick.
00:39:43Truth of it is, I can't even bring myself to say anything
00:39:46because I just love her so fucking much.
00:39:50I don't even know if I can live without her cheating ass.
00:39:53Hey, what's an e-mail?
00:39:54That's not the point!
00:39:57Seems like you might've took one defensive swing against him.
00:40:00I mean, honestly, what the fuck, man? That was...
00:40:03I don't know how you've lived with yourself all these years.
00:40:07It was pathetic.
00:40:08It was pathetic. You couldn't have kicked him from the ground?
00:40:11What happened?
00:40:17This is a crazy story. I got hit by a truck.
00:40:21Yeah, yeah.
00:40:22Trying to save a baby deer, if you can believe that.
00:40:25Oh, my God!
00:40:26Is there anything that I can do? Are you okay?
00:40:30Oh, my God. No, I'm fine. This is nothing.
00:40:33You know what? Come with me. I'm gonna take care of you.
00:40:36And bring your friend.
00:40:37No, we can't.
00:40:38- We'd love to, but we can't. - We can, we can.
00:40:40We should probably go check on that deer, actually.
00:40:42No, we can go. We can go.
00:40:45˘Ü I know you cannot wait ˘Ü
00:40:47˘Ü Wait to see me, too ˘Ü
00:40:49Oh, my God!
00:40:51This is like the best song ever!
00:40:53Maybe not ever.
00:40:56˘Ü At the drive-in ˘Ü
00:40:57God, he's so hot!
00:40:59˘ÜIn the old man's Ford ˘Ü
00:41:02˘Ü Behind the bushes ˘Ü
00:41:04Can I get 3,000 beers?
00:41:06˘Ü Until I'm screaming for more ˘Ü
00:41:08˘Ü Down the basement ˘Ü
00:41:12Who's next? Who's next for the beer luge?
00:41:14This guy! This guy's next! He wants it so bad.
00:41:16You can do it, man.
00:41:17He wants it.
00:41:21Luge! Luge! Luge! Luge! Luge! Luge!
00:41:28That was so lame. That wasn't, like, even violent a little bit.
00:41:32Who are you, and why did you do that to me?
00:41:34Why? Because you looked like you needed a luge.
00:41:37- I'm Adam. - I'm April.
00:41:39How are you doing?
00:41:40All right.
00:41:41What brings you here?
00:41:43Hot tub.
00:41:45- You? - Poison.
00:41:47- Right. - That band. Poison.
00:41:49I'm a journalist. I'm covering the band for Spin magazine.
00:41:53You don't really look like you're the type.
00:41:54The Poison type? God, no. I'm not. I'm really not.
00:41:57I basically just got onto this bus
00:41:59and it took me here, to goddamn Winterfest.
00:42:07You know what? I can't talk to you.
00:42:09You can't?
00:42:10But I'm awesome. I can guarantee that.
00:42:12I'm sure. You see, I have to walk in the exact same footsteps.
00:42:15This didn't happen.
00:42:17Well, it kind of happened.
00:42:18I wish it did.
00:42:19- I just saw it happen. - It really didn't.
00:42:21Yeah. No, I contributed.
00:42:23I wish it did.
00:42:24All right.
00:42:26See you.
00:42:32I brought you some ice. It'll make you feel better.
00:42:36Let's see that.
00:42:38Feel better?
00:42:39That ice does make me feel better.
00:42:45Hey, you know what? I just remembered I gotta meet a guy.
00:42:48No, no. Wait.
00:42:50No, you can't go.
00:42:52'Cause guess what?
00:42:55I only do two at a time.
00:42:58What do you mean?
00:42:59What do I mean?
00:43:04There those are.
00:43:06Yeah, let's do this.
00:43:08Him first? Okay.
00:43:10It's your thing. I don't wanna tell you what to do.
00:43:12Hold on, I gotta get the phone.
00:43:15Hello? Mom?
00:43:20I wanna know what the doctor said.
00:43:21Lou? Lou, we can't do this.
00:43:23Yes, we can.
00:43:25No, this didn't happen.
00:43:26- We can't do this. - Yes, we can.
00:43:27- This didn't happen in the past. - Yes, it did. Shut up.
00:43:29This did not fucking happen in the past.
00:43:31You shut the fuck up, please.
00:43:32We're gonna make, like, Hitler president or something.
00:43:34We can't do this.
00:43:36Look, can you be fucking normal? Please?
00:43:40Every young man's fantasy is to have a three-way.
00:43:42- Not with another fucking guy. - It's still a three-way.
00:43:44What about the policy of the butterfly effect?
00:43:46The butterfly effect can suck my nuts!
00:43:49Look, we're gonna have sex with this girl, okay?
00:43:52You, me, together.
00:43:55Enough of this queer shit. Let's get the mood right.
00:43:59All right. Look, right there.
00:44:01You don't wanna seem overzealous with a full-on rager.
00:44:04You don't want to insult the woman, either.
00:44:06You're gonna wanna get at least a half-a-chub going, right?
00:44:09- Look at me. - No.
00:44:10- Look at that. - No.
00:44:11Look at how, like, perfect that is.
00:44:13I'm not gonna fucking look.
00:44:16Look, look. Here.
00:44:17What the fuck, man?
00:44:20- I'm out of here. - Come on, Jake,
00:44:22- I was just getting you started. - Don't care!
00:44:23Guys do that.
00:44:24No one does that!
00:44:26Hey. Onesies?
00:44:33Okay, cool. I'm out of here.
00:44:42How did it go with Jenny?
00:44:46Oh, my God.
00:44:49Oh, my God. Whoo! Why aren't you dancing?
00:44:53Whoa! What's your name?
00:44:54That's Jacob. That's Jenny.
00:44:58What the fuck are you doing?
00:45:00- You're supposed to break up with her! - I know.
00:45:01No, no, no. Just check it out, okay?
00:45:03Maybe she's the key to something.
00:45:05And I messed it up when I broke up with her before,
00:45:07and now the universe is giving me another crack at it.
00:45:10And if you thought you could really start over
00:45:13and do something totally different,
00:45:14you wouldn't even consider it?
00:45:16You're absolutely right.
00:45:17You think so? Really?
00:45:18No. Fuck, no!
00:45:20Come on!
00:45:23What do you mean, you didn't do it?
00:45:25I'm getting to it.
00:45:26No, we were supposed to do everything that we did.
00:45:28That's what I remember.
00:45:29Yeah, Adam, what the fuck, man?
00:45:31You were supposed to fucking dump her.
00:45:32You think I liked getting my ass fucked up and down the entire street?
00:45:35- Because I didn't. - It's not that I'm not gonna do it,
00:45:36I just haven't done it yet. There's a big difference.
00:45:38Look at my face, dude.
00:45:39Look at my fucking face! Drink me in.
00:45:41You think I wouldn't have liked to have changed this?
00:45:43Shut the fuck up, Lou. You tried to rope me into a three-way.
00:45:46- What? - Did you?
00:45:47- No. - Yes.
00:45:48Lou! Did you?
00:45:50I didn't fuck that girl. Okay?
00:45:53Because I'm committed to not changing the past.
00:45:56Right. It had nothing to do with her
00:45:58wanting to be a Chinese finger trap.
00:45:59And I'm not saying that because she was Asian.
00:46:01So you're telling me I cheated on my wife for no reason.
00:46:05Just relax, okay?
00:46:06I'm gonna do it. I just haven't done it yet!
00:46:08You're unbelievable.
00:46:09- Hey, Nick, can I ask you a question? - Yes.
00:46:11Does this seem like it's all about Adam again?
00:46:12Yeah, just like Cincinnati.
00:46:15- What? - You gonna bring that up?
00:46:17We said we weren't gonna talk about Cincinnati ever, okay?
00:46:19Is this why you have that shoebox in your closet that says "Cincinnati"?
00:46:23What? That's fucking admissible!
00:46:25You keep it in the closet?
00:46:26What was I supposed to do with it? You can't bury those things.
00:46:29And you wrote "Cincinnati" on it?
00:46:30How do I know which one it's supposed to be?
00:46:34Is it a fetus?
00:46:35My friends are ridiculous.
00:46:36Why are we still talking about this?
00:46:38Okay, we said we would never talk about that.
00:46:40By the way, where does it say in the fucking friendship handbook
00:46:43that you are the only one who is allowed any fucking problems?
00:46:47I forgot that it says in the asshole handbook
00:46:49that you can just fuck over your friends whenever you want!
00:46:52Actually, it would say that in the asshole handbook
00:46:53if it was, like, guidelines for being an asshole,
00:46:55- that's what it would say. - Why wouldn't it say that
00:46:56- in the asshole handbook? - Yeah, it would say
00:46:58- to fuck your friends. - "Fuck over your friends."
00:46:59- No, no, no. - Have you ever read a book?
00:47:00You're right. I'm sorry, my bad. You guys are right.
00:47:04But if you're changing the fucking past, okay,
00:47:06then I'm changing the fucking past, all right?
00:47:08No! Lou!
00:47:10Okay! We're in the game! I like this.
00:47:13I didn't change anything yet, I just didn't do it.
00:47:14And if we're changing shit,
00:47:16you better be there at midnight to get my fucking back.
00:47:18- Done. - I'll be there.
00:47:19Guys! Guys! Come on, man. Talk to me about this!
00:47:22- Fuck off. - Fuck!
00:47:23- I'll be back in a minute. - Where are you going?
00:47:25I gotta go. I'm getting out of here.
00:47:26No, no, Adam, listen to me, please.
00:47:28Jenny Stedmeyer is not your fucking destiny, okay?
00:47:30She's just some girl.
00:47:31Some girl you dated in high school, okay?
00:47:33I know! I just got some emotions coming up.
00:47:35I got some feelings that I got to deal with.
00:47:37I'm gonna do it. I believe in you. You're awesome.
00:47:39You know what? That's fine. Everybody just take off!
00:47:40I don't need to be born.
00:47:42I'll just go find the repairman myself and fix the time machine.
00:47:46That's the dumbest thing I've said in a while.
00:47:50You made the best decision of your life,
00:47:52choosing me as your friend over Adam.
00:47:54I'm pretty sure that's not what's going on here.
00:47:55Don't be afraid. I'm gonna treat you right.
00:47:57- Daddy's gonna take care of you. - Whoa!
00:47:59Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
00:48:00Here we go. It's like a slow-motion guillotine.
00:48:05What the F-ing fuck?
00:48:15Here we go. Here we go. Round two.
00:48:19Should we help him?
00:48:20No. No. This is his destiny.
00:48:29Fuck you!
00:48:30- Did it happen? - No.
00:48:35If that guy doesn't lose his arm soon,
00:48:37I'm gonna fucking take it from him myself.
00:48:47Come on down, man. Have a brewski with us.
00:48:49There's a party.
00:48:50"No foreign army has ever occupied American soil.
00:48:53"Until now."
00:48:55Watching Red Dawn again, or...
00:48:59They're Ruskies.
00:49:01And these are their secret Commie weapons.
00:49:03What are you talking about?
00:49:04Look at this stuff, man.
00:49:06They could be spies or something.
00:49:09I don't know, Blaine. I mean, they seem a little young
00:49:11to be spies, you know.
00:49:12Come on, Chaz.
00:49:14They could be some kind of 21 Jump Street
00:49:17spy battalion-type dudes.
00:49:21Yeah. Yeah. Or not at all, you know? There's also that.
00:49:25What the fuck is this?
00:49:28There's something I wanna talk to you about.
00:49:29It's something I'm supposed to do but I don't wanna do.
00:49:31- You know why? - Okay, Adam. But...
00:49:33Because I was thinking about how good we are together, right?
00:49:36- Don't you think? I really think so. - Okay.
00:49:38And I was talking about the future and I was thinking about,
00:49:41well, my future is this way and maybe it could be this way.
00:49:43I know I'm rambling now. God, you're so beautiful.
00:49:45But we got along so great and...
00:49:46What is that?
00:49:49It's a note I wrote to you. You should read it.
00:49:51- Right now? Okay. - Yeah.
00:49:53"Dear Adam, you're a super-terrific guy and I love you.
00:49:59"And that's why this is so hard for me.
00:50:00"You're one of the most amazing people that I've ever met. I can't..."
00:50:04Are you breaking up with me? That's what this... This is a break-up note?
00:50:07I'm sorry, Adam.
00:50:09All these years! You stabbed me in the eye with a fucking fork
00:50:11and you were gonna break up with me anyway?
00:50:13Is that what you're saying to me?
00:50:14I did what?
00:50:15Why are you breaking up with me? That's not how this works.
00:50:19You're such a great guy and you're gonna find the right girl,
00:50:21but it's not me.
00:50:23And everybody knows what a big deal you're gonna be some day.
00:50:27No, I'm not. I'm not. I'm not anybody.
00:50:31Adam, okay. It's not you, it's me.
00:50:36I say that to you. You don't say that to me.
00:50:39That's not how this works.
00:50:41Do you know what happens to you if we don't go back?
00:50:45You end up with Billy Lavatino.
00:50:46I like him.
00:50:47You may like him, but then you end up pregnant with, like, trucker hips,
00:50:50and you have a baby with Billy Lavatino,
00:50:52and you're addicted to Weight Watchers, you little bitch.
00:50:54- What did you just call me? - Take this fucking back!
00:50:56Don't you... Jesus!
00:51:01I don't get fat!
00:51:09If we're changing shit, we gotta be taking advantage of shit.
00:51:12- No. - Mulligan.
00:51:14- No mulligan. - Come on!
00:51:16- You had, like, five mulligans. - Dude.
00:51:17I'm not talking about bad stuff, either, okay?
00:51:20I'm just talking about good stuff.
00:51:21Like keeping Manimal on the air, you know?
00:51:24Or preventing Miley Cyrus.
00:51:26Preventing her from what?
00:51:28Just preventing her.
00:51:29And there's the catch! First down!
00:51:37Oh, shit!
00:51:39I know this game.
00:51:41Yeah. This is the Denver-Cleveland playoff game.
00:51:43This is the fucking Drive, man.
00:51:48I know what we're gonna do.
00:51:56Adam, hey. You're back. Awesome.
00:51:59What's going on here? Where are the guys?
00:52:03- What's this? - Read it.
00:52:05"Dear Adam, you are a super-terrific guy and I love you,
00:52:07"which is why this is so hard for me. I cherish our friendship."
00:52:13She broke up with you?
00:52:15And you still fucking got stabbed in the eye?
00:52:17Leave me alone. Get out of here.
00:52:19What are you doing here? You writing poetry?
00:52:21Just leave me alone and get out of here. No.
00:52:23You're writing fucking break-up poetry.
00:52:25All right, I'm writing break-up poetry, okay?
00:52:28Because my heart hurts.
00:52:30She stabbed me in my heart and my eye.
00:52:31Holy shit, you're wasted.
00:52:32Look, I've had like two wine kills, Captain Buzzcooler.
00:52:36- God. - You're fucked up.
00:52:39"Jenny's eyes, like a gypsy's lies Cut right through the night
00:52:41"Now those eyes are another guy's And I'm alone with my pain"
00:52:44That was clean.
00:52:45Are you shitting me with this, Adam?
00:52:48Look, you can recite it straight
00:52:50or to the tune of Sweet Child O' Mine.
00:52:51It doesn't matter.
00:52:52Are these mushrooms? Did you eat these mushrooms, Adam?
00:52:56I like to eat them, you know? A couple of them.
00:52:58Holy fuck, man, you gotta stay straight!
00:53:00- You gotta help me get the guys back! - Just relax.
00:53:02You know, it's not always about my emotional journey.
00:53:04- It could be about yours. - Put the coke down!
00:53:05- God damn it, you little fucker! - Give it to me!
00:53:07Don't you fucking get it? I'm not gonna be fucking born!
00:53:13How much worse can it get?
00:53:16What? The '80s?
00:53:18New part shorted out another part.
00:53:20I hope we can get that thing working before dawn.
00:53:22Wait, wait, hold on,
00:53:23is that when the time portal closes, at dawn?
00:53:25That's when the party's over.
00:53:27Fuck you, man. Listen.
00:53:28I am at my wit's end with him, so you gotta level with me.
00:53:31Are you the mystical time-travel guide-guy or not?
00:53:33Don't you put your hands on me, young lady!
00:53:37I'm just trying to do my job, here.
00:53:39Fuck, hold on. Quit eating mushrooms, man!
00:53:41I wanna have a few more.
00:53:45What the fuck is happening to me? I can't...
00:53:53Hey, Adam.
00:53:55All right, so anyway, the repairman's doing his thing.
00:53:58I'm gonna go find Nick and Lou,
00:53:59and you stay right here. Okay?
00:54:00I'm gonna stay.
00:54:01You got it, but you can't leave.
00:54:03I can't move, because I'm broken.
00:54:06Man, you and my mom are so fucked.
00:54:15You've got two arms.
00:54:17But you're not going to. You're gonna lose one.
00:54:20You're gonna lose that arm.
00:54:24You're one of those joker guys.
00:54:25Right. Right.
00:54:26I don't care if you put that arm in a steel fucking vault,
00:54:29that arm's coming off!
00:54:31You're gonna lose your arm.
00:54:32You're gonna lose your arm!
00:54:34I'm gonna rape you. I'm gonna rape you!
00:54:35I'm gonna rape you. I'm gonna rape you.
00:54:37- Have a great night. - Okay. the end zone. Touchdown Cleveland!
00:54:44Pay up, suckers! Pay up!
00:54:46How does he do it? How is he right all the time?
00:54:49Let me ask you something, McFly.
00:54:52How you getting so lucky?
00:54:53I know the fucking future, douche bag.
00:54:55Really? One more bet.
00:54:57Ricky, come on. You said one more and then you'd be done.
00:55:00I also said to shut the fuck up. Remember that?
00:55:02Okay, I love you. Shut the fuck up.
00:55:04By the way, I love your coat.
00:55:06I don't give a shit about animals, either, so...
00:55:08One more bet. High stakes.
00:55:09All right. All right. Bring it on, Spader.
00:55:12Bring it on, Jo-Jo.
00:55:14I bet Elway throws a touchdown pass
00:55:16with 37 seconds left on the clock.
00:55:18Fat chance, asshole. Elway's done nothing all day.
00:55:20Well then, in the spirit of high stakes, let's make it interesting.
00:55:23Let's make it interesting.
00:55:24If I win, your wife gives me a blowjob.
00:55:30A classy one.
00:55:34- Hey, screw you, kid. - Hey, okay,
00:55:35and if you win, name your price.
00:55:39Touchdown pass at 37 seconds, exactly?
00:55:45You lose, I take all your winnings.
00:55:48And you give your buddy a blowjob.
00:55:49What? Hell, no.
00:55:52- Deal. - Deal?
00:55:53- Well done. I like your style. - I like your style.
00:55:55He's very creative.
00:55:56I don't like you taking liberties with my dick.
00:55:59Relax, okay?
00:56:01We know the fucking future. We can't lose.
00:56:06Hey. Hey, there. What are you doing?
00:56:11- Hi. - Hey.
00:56:13Okay, how's the view from down there?
00:56:19It's nice.
00:56:22Adam, right?
00:56:25Why are you bleeding in the snow?
00:56:27That? No, I...
00:56:28I got stabbed in the face with a fork.
00:56:31I saw it coming and I avoided it. I mean, I didn't avoid it.
00:56:35It just happened again to me in a slightly different way.
00:56:38Boy, I really wish I knew what the fuck you were talking about.
00:56:43All the choices we make in our life, they're pointless.
00:56:45There's no escaping the inevitable.
00:56:48I don't know, man.
00:56:52So, you're saying that your whole entire life is predetermined to suck,
00:56:55no matter what you do?
00:56:57It's not the way I want it, but...
00:56:58Kind of seems like a really, really good excuse
00:57:01to do something totally amazing right now, tonight.
00:57:06Like what?
00:57:07Like perhaps hang out with a girl that you just met
00:57:12before her bus has to leave in two hours?
00:57:17I thought you said we were going to get some food.
00:57:19We are. We're about to get some food.
00:57:22I'm pretty hungry, actually.
00:57:24Damn it. They forgot to leave the key.
00:57:27Who did?
00:57:28Carol and Stan Stapleton. They're my friends. They live here,
00:57:31and I housesit for them when they go to Nepal, sometimes.
00:57:34I thought you said you came in here on a bus.
00:57:36They usually do leave, like, a side door open.
00:57:40- They do? - So let me... I'll be right back.
00:57:44Yep, it's unlocked.
00:57:53So which one's Carol?
00:57:58Carol's on the left.
00:58:00Elway's last stand. 45 seconds left on the clock.
00:58:03I'm really good at getting head. You'll see.
00:58:07- Elway takes the snap. - Go, baby.
00:58:08He fades back. Elway fires. He's got Jackson open.
00:58:11He's impossibly open!
00:58:13Wait, what's this? Vermin?
00:58:15No, no, no! I know this squirrel.
00:58:16That's a magic fucking squirrel. This doesn't count.
00:58:19He's distracted by a wild squirrel!
00:58:20What the fuck?
00:58:21Incomplete! Game's over! Cleveland wins!
00:58:24The Dawg Pound is going to the Super Bowl.
00:58:26Oh, yeah!
00:58:28I've never seen anything like it!
00:58:30He did it. Got to go!
00:58:32Congratulations. Look at all that money.
00:58:33I was kidding about the blowjob thing. Obviously, we're comedians.
00:58:36Hey, guys. Guys.
00:58:39A bet's a bet.
00:58:45So you're a Time Lord?
00:58:48And a Jacuzzi is your spaceship?
00:58:52That is correct, madam.
00:58:53That's the only part of this whole thing
00:58:55that doesn't make sense to me.
00:58:57You're not the only one. Believe me.
00:58:59I mean, the whole thing is just totally insane.
00:59:05So, how's the future working out for you?
00:59:07I mean, are you like a happy grownup?
00:59:10Not particularly, no.
00:59:12My friends actually think I ended up being
00:59:14a completely selfish, fucked-up person.
00:59:17And they may have a point, actually, if I think about it.
00:59:21I'll tell you something I haven't told somebody for a long time.
00:59:23When I was a kid,
00:59:24every Friday night, my father used to take my sister Kelly and me
00:59:28to this place called Flatirons for steak sandwiches.
00:59:31It was a family tradition.
00:59:33That's sometimes a good thing.
00:59:35But one year, we saw this commercial
00:59:38for this place called The Enchanted Forest of Pizza.
00:59:41So the next Friday, my dad's loading us up into the car.
00:59:45We're like, "Daddy, we want to go to The Enchanted Forest of Pizza."
00:59:48And he's like, "What are you talking about?
00:59:50"We always go for steak sandwiches."
00:59:52But we just stay at him
00:59:54and we're whining, and we're badgering, and finally he relents.
00:59:57Nice. So, you win.
00:59:58You deviated from the plan in a really big way. That's good.
01:00:0233 people died of E. Coli.
01:00:05Including my father.
01:00:07Before he died, he looked at me and he said,
01:00:09"Adam, you did this."
01:00:11No, he didn't.
01:00:13Yes, he did,
01:00:14with his eyes.
01:00:15I don't think that that's what he meant with his eyes.
01:00:18The point is that Kelly and I dealt with the guilt of this in very different ways.
01:00:22She went wild, right?
01:00:24She didn't want to have control over anything.
01:00:26But I vowed to master the chaos,
01:00:28- to impose order. - Adam, I really don't think
01:00:30that you can let a poison pizza ruin the rest of your life.
01:00:34You got to embrace the chaos. You have to.
01:00:37That way, life might just astonish you.
01:00:50- I had so much fun tonight. - I know!
01:00:52Fuck! Game on.
01:00:56- You look so hot, by the way. - Thanks.
01:00:58I said, start sucking, gaylord.
01:01:01Yeah! Suck!
01:01:03Suck that shit, man!
01:01:04- Suck! Suck! Suck! - Suck! Suck! Suck!
01:01:07Who are you people?
01:01:09God, who are you people?
01:01:12Let's get on with this. My fondue's getting cold.
01:01:14Choke on that horn, man!
01:01:20Wow, good for you.
01:01:22I know, right?
01:01:23It's like Gary Coleman's fucking forearm.
01:01:26It's so black!
01:01:28It's so impossibly black.
01:01:32- I love you, buddy. - Don't say that!
01:01:34I'm sorry, I do.
01:01:36No, no, no!
01:01:50Hey, you.
01:01:52Maybe what you need isn't in here, after all.
01:01:55Maybe what you need has always been in here.
01:01:59- Really? - No.
01:02:04The tub? Is it fixed yet?
01:02:06Can be. Ready to go?
01:02:08Wait, go where?
01:02:10To the room, check it out. I've got the part right here.
01:02:12Yeah. Yeah, let's go.
01:02:13- Let's go. - Right.
01:02:19- Where did he go? - Who?
01:02:21This fucking guy.
01:02:28Nicky. Nicholas.
01:02:31Hey! There he is!
01:02:34- What? - What the fuck?
01:02:36What? What?
01:02:38What, do I still have some on my face?
01:02:41Oh, God!
01:02:45Did you have pineapple today?
01:02:47I can't go home. What the fuck?
01:02:50I'm fucking with you, dude.
01:02:51It's hand soap.
01:02:54Oh, my God. Relax.
01:02:56It's like you haven't seen a little come
01:02:58on your friend's face before, or something.
01:03:00What the fuck is wrong with you, man?
01:03:02I'm just kidding. It's what friends do. God!
01:03:04You didn't?
01:03:06Gargle your hog? No, man.
01:03:09After they pulled you off of me, me and Rick talked it out.
01:03:11He's actually a pretty cool guy.
01:03:12We have a lot in common. We both love tits and Motley Crue.
01:03:16It's cool?
01:03:17Yeah, I just told him a bunch of shit
01:03:19that's gonna make him rich in the future.
01:03:21I saved the good stuff for us.
01:03:23Let's go to the bar, plan our empire.
01:03:31Fucking iPods, you know? Fucking Prius.
01:03:35Match. Com. Anything. Com. Fucking Internet. Com!
01:03:38Fucking Zac Efron. Nobody invented him yet.
01:03:43What about Twitter? Whatever the fuck that is.
01:03:46Hey, we could combine Twitter with fucking Viagra.
01:03:54What's the matter, dude? Come on.
01:03:56I'm sorry, man. I'm just preoccupied.
01:03:59You just kind of down about being black and out of shape?
01:04:02What the fuck is wrong with you? No.
01:04:05Because you look good, you know?
01:04:06This is a great time for black people.
01:04:09I mean our time, not this time.
01:04:10This is a terrible time for black people.
01:04:11I don't see one other black person in here.
01:04:15Talk to me, man.
01:04:16I found out she fucking cheated.
01:04:18What? Courtney's fucking cheating on you?
01:04:21I gave her my life, I gave up my passion.
01:04:24And she's just out there...
01:04:26Why the fuck didn't you say something, man?
01:04:28That's just it! I never see you guys anymore.
01:04:31I don't have my music, I barely have friends.
01:04:34Without Courtney,
01:04:36I'm nothing.
01:04:38You're just fucking Courtney's bitch right now.
01:04:40You need to be your own man, you know?
01:04:43"Nick Webber-Agnew"? What the fuck is that?
01:04:44- It's terrible. - It doesn't work.
01:04:46No. Nick Webber, that's who you are.
01:04:49That's who I was.
01:04:51Maybe you gotta find him again.
01:04:53You know, she's getting hers, you go get yours.
01:04:57I can't, man.
01:04:59It means something to me to be married.
01:05:01You're not fucking married. It's 1986.
01:05:03In my heart I am.
01:05:04Your heart's a fucking liar.
01:05:14You know what? You know what you got to do?
01:05:19You gotta get your ass up on that stage.
01:05:23You're right.
01:05:26I'm gonna do it.
01:05:27Yeah. Do it.
01:05:28Hey, hey, hey. Do it fucking quickly, okay?
01:05:31You better be at that fight with me.
01:05:32Don't leave me hanging this time.
01:05:33- I won't. I promise. - All right.
01:05:35Hey, Adam. Fuck.
01:05:48You're good to go.
01:05:50Holy shit. Really?
01:05:51Some sort of sticky liquid got into
01:05:53the crossover housing, I don't know.
01:05:56Must have had some nitratriminium in it.
01:05:59It's Chernobly.
01:06:00Whatever it was, it ravaged the hell out of the electronics.
01:06:03Worked out for you and the boys, though.
01:06:05Wait, hold on, are you saying that
01:06:07that's the key to the whole thing?
01:06:08We need the Chernobly to get back?
01:06:09All I'm saying is, whatever your poison, I wouldn't tub without it.
01:06:13Especially after dawn.
01:06:15It'd kill you to give me a straight answer?
01:06:18You know, you're kind of a dick.
01:06:20Hey, everybody, you ready to jam?
01:06:23All right.
01:06:25Ladies and gentlemen, help me welcome to the stage
01:06:28Nick Webber!
01:06:33It's been a long time.
01:06:41˘Ü No, I'm never gonna dance again ˘Ü
01:06:43˘Ü Guilty feet have got no rhythm ˘Ü
01:06:55˘Ü Jessie is a friend ˘Ü
01:06:59˘Ü Yeah, I know he's been a good friend of mine ˘Ü
01:07:03˘Ü But lately something's changed It ain't hard to define ˘Ü
01:07:06˘Ü Jessie's got himself a girl And I want to make her mine ˘Ü
01:07:12These guys are dangerous. Look at this stuff.
01:07:14Blaine, it looks like a skinny soda can.
01:07:16No, a soda-can bomb! This stuff's straight out of Moscow.
01:07:20Let's go kick that Commie's ass!
01:07:23Shouldn't we call the cops or the FBI or something?
01:07:26No, we're gonna handle this internally.
01:07:39˘Ü I wish that I had ˘Ü
01:07:40˘Ü Jessie's girl ˘Ü
01:07:42˘Ü I wish that I had ˘Ü
01:07:44˘Ü Jessie's girl ˘Ü
01:07:50˘Ü Yeah ˘Ü
01:08:00This song is from the future, but since you've been good,
01:08:03you get it early.
01:08:04Just like we rehearsed.
01:08:07˘Ü Let's get it started ˘Ü
01:08:10˘Ü in here ˘Ü
01:08:16˘Ü And the bass keep runnin' runnin' And runnin' runnin' ˘Ü
01:08:19˘Ü And runnin' runnin' And runnin' runnin' ˘Ü
01:08:26˘Ü In this context There's no disrespect ˘Ü
01:08:28˘Ü So when I bust my rhyme You break your necks ˘Ü
01:08:30˘Ü We got five minutes For us to disconnect ˘Ü
01:08:33˘Ü From all intellect Collect the rhythm effect ˘Ü
01:08:35˘Ü So lose your inhibition Follow your intuition ˘Ü
01:08:37˘Ü Free your inner soul And break away from tradition ˘Ü
01:08:40˘Ü 'Cause when we beat out Girl, it's putting heat out ˘Ü
01:08:42˘Ü You wouldn't believe How we wow shit out ˘Ü
01:08:44˘Ü Burn it till it's burned out Turn it till it's turned out ˘Ü
01:08:46˘Ü Act up from north, west, east, south ˘Ü
01:08:49˘Ü Everybody, everybody Let's get into it ˘Ü
01:08:52˘Ü Get stupid Get it started ˘Ü
01:08:55˘Ü Get it started Get it started ˘Ü
01:08:57˘Ü Let's get it started Let's get it started in here ˘Ü
01:09:07˘Ü Everybody, everybody Let's get into it ˘Ü
01:09:11˘Ü Get stupid Get it started ˘Ü
01:09:13˘Ü Get it started, get it started Let's get it started ˘Ü
01:09:17Hey, where's the Kodiak Club?
01:09:19Down the street, dude.
01:09:20Okay. Okay, thank you.
01:09:22Listen, me and my boys got some shit-kicking to do.
01:09:25But this
01:09:30Ain't over.
01:09:32Get out of my way, stool.
01:09:34˘Ü Transmit hits with no delusion ˘Ü
01:09:37˘Ü The feeling's irresistible And that's how we moving ˘Ü
01:09:39˘Ü Everybody Everybody ˘Ü
01:09:41˘Ü Let's get into it ˘Ü
01:09:43That's my boy, right there.
01:09:44- The singer? - Yeah.
01:09:46˘Ü Let's get it started ˘Ü
01:09:48I'll be back. My friends are over there. I'll come right back.
01:09:52˘Ü Lose control Of body and soul ˘Ü
01:09:54˘Ü Don't move too fast, people Just take it slow ˘Ü
01:09:56I'm caught right in the middle of a thing right now,
01:09:59but can I text you later?
01:10:01- Can you what? - Are you online at all?
01:10:02I have no idea what you're saying.
01:10:04How do I get a hold of you?
01:10:05You come find me.
01:10:07That just sounds
01:10:11˘Ü With no delusion ˘Ü
01:10:12˘Ü The feeling's irresistible And that's how we moving ˘Ü
01:10:15There he is. Where are your boys?
01:10:17I thought they were gonna hold your sack.
01:10:18Let's kick his ass, Blaine.
01:10:22Where are my fucking friends?
01:10:24˘Ü Whoo-hoo! Let's get ˘Ü
01:10:26˘Ü Whoo-hoo! In here ˘Ü
01:10:28˘Ü Let's get Whoo-hoo! ˘Ü
01:10:30˘Ü While I get Whoo-hoo! ˘Ü
01:10:32- You like that song? - Yeah, it's great.
01:10:34It's gonna be a hit.
01:10:43˘Ü And runnin' runnin' And runnin' runnin' ˘Ü
01:10:52Thank you. Thank you.
01:10:58That was sweet.
01:10:59All right. All right, man.
01:11:03Good to have you back, see you back up there, man.
01:11:05Hey, it's coming back. I should have done this years ago.
01:11:07- Guys. Adam. Guys! - About time.
01:11:10Did you see him? Did you see him rock out?
01:11:12Shut up! Okay, we gotta find the Chernobly to get out of here.
01:11:15Chernobly? Why?
01:11:16I don't know, exactly.
01:11:17But the repairman said it's got nitro-trainium...
01:11:21- Nitratrinanium. - Thank you.
01:11:22Or some shit in it that'll fix the time machine.
01:11:25- That makes sense. - Where's Lou?
01:11:27Where is... What time is it?
01:11:30Fuck! Fuck! Shit! Shit!
01:11:38- Where is he? - Fuck.
01:11:42Oh, my God! We missed it again!
01:11:45Well, where do you think he went?
01:11:49Same place as last time?
01:11:52˘Ü Keeps me together at the seams ˘Ü
01:11:56˘Ü I'm on my way ˘Ü
01:11:59Shut up, you flamer!
01:12:01˘Ü I'm on my way ˘Ü
01:12:05Hey, go home! Loser!
01:12:08Hey, John Lennon gets shot!
01:12:10Wait, did that already happen?
01:12:19They made it, everybody! Whoo! Best friends in the world!
01:12:23Almost just in time!
01:12:26My buddies.
01:12:28Fucking Chimney Point, right? Here we are.
01:12:31Bottle of scotch, end of the night.
01:12:35Where were you?
01:12:37We were just... We came...
01:12:38Not tonight. Every fucking night.
01:12:41Huh? What happened? We were gonna do shit together, man.
01:12:44We were gonna conquer the fucking world. Me and you.
01:12:47And then you cut me off.
01:12:49What was I gonna do, man?
01:12:50I was gonna let you drag me down into your bullshit, Lou?
01:12:53Yeah. Yes, because that's what friends do.
01:12:55No, they don't, man!
01:12:56Because then there's two people stuck in the bullshit
01:12:58instead of your sorry ass.
01:12:59You should stick by your friends through thick and thin!
01:13:07Okay, great. I got two things to say to you.
01:13:11- Okay. - Okay?
01:13:12Number one, I hate you.
01:13:15Got it.
01:13:16Our friendship means nothing.
01:13:19All right, is that the first thing or the second thing?
01:13:21What? No, clearly that's still part of the first thing.
01:13:23- I mean, am I the asshole? - Did you get that?
01:13:25- No, I didn't get it. I thought... - He didn't get it.
01:13:26He said A and B...
01:13:28Let's agree to disagree about the "first" thing.
01:13:30Lou, where is the Chernobly? We need it to get back.
01:13:34"Where's the Chernobly at, Lou?"
01:13:36That's all you ever fucking care about.
01:13:38It's the first time he mentioned it.
01:13:39Yeah, and even if we had mentioned it before,
01:13:41it's kind of a fucking big deal, okay? I wanna go home.
01:13:44Come on, Lou. Let's talk about this inside.
01:13:45You got no shoes on. It's cold out.
01:13:47Who took my fucking shoe?
01:13:48Blaine apparently beat your shoe off of you,
01:13:51which I don't even know how that could fucking happen.
01:13:53Okay, fuck it! Fuck you, fuck you and fuck you!
01:13:57Easy, man.
01:13:58Whoa, Lou!
01:14:04I got you.
01:14:06Oh, my God!
01:14:07- Is Lou dead? - Shit!
01:14:08There he is.
01:14:11I can't hold on.
01:14:12Yes, you can!
01:14:13Yes, you can hang on!
01:14:15- I'm slipping. - No, hold on.
01:14:16No, Nick. Hold on. Guys!
01:14:21Phil! Phil!
01:14:25Oh, fuck!
01:14:26We're dead! This is how it happens! This is how he loses it!
01:14:29Fuck it!
01:14:30Fuck it, we're dead men! Just let me go.
01:14:33Lou, be positive.
01:14:37The roof is scraping my nut!
01:14:39Damn, you strong.
01:14:44All right.
01:14:45You're all right? I'm glad you guys are all right.
01:14:50My fault.
01:14:52Why do you do shit like that?
01:14:54- I'm sorry! Jesus! - Thank you, Phil.
01:14:56All right, here's the second fucking thing, okay?
01:14:59Blaine's got the Chernobly.
01:15:00Let's just get it from him, so we can get back to the present
01:15:03so I can start never seeing you bitches again.
01:15:08- Hey, hey, hey, hey! - Hey.
01:15:09I was looking for you. Where'd you go?
01:15:11I had to go... My friend got in trouble, but I had to...
01:15:13I'm leaving right now.
01:15:15You're leaving right now?
01:15:16- Yeah. - That's not good.
01:15:17I told you, I had two hours. I gotta go.
01:15:20Uncle Adam, come on! Who the fuck is that chick?
01:15:24Do you wanna come with me?
01:15:25- Get her fax number and let's go. - Come on.
01:15:26- I can't. - Yes, you can.
01:15:27You can do whatever you want, man. It's your life.
01:15:30I want to.
01:15:31Good. Then come on.
01:15:32But I can't because my friends need me and I gotta show up for them,
01:15:36so I really can't.
01:15:40So what are we... I mean, do we...
01:15:43- What happens? - I don't know.
01:15:45I'm not really making any plans.
01:15:47I'm just sort of letting the universe surprise me, right?
01:15:49I like that. I like that a lot.
01:15:50That's the sign of a happy man.
01:15:51April, let's go!
01:15:56Maybe the universe will bring us together again.
01:16:00I hope.
01:16:08Casanova, let's do this!
01:16:19Just turn it around and keep it running, okay?
01:16:21Yeah, sure thing.
01:16:24Okay. You go this way, I'll go this way?
01:16:26No, I'm gonna do the opposite of everything you say.
01:16:31Wonder which one's Blaine's room.
01:16:45Go, go, go.
01:16:59Let's try in here. Where is it?
01:17:03Come on! Come on, come on.
01:17:09Panties, panties, panties!
01:17:12What the fuck are you doing?
01:17:13Why don't you shut your slut mouth
01:17:16and mind your own fucking business?
01:17:17You disgust me.
01:17:25I love how much you hate you.
01:17:30Thank you.
01:17:36- They're here, come on. - Fuck!
01:17:37"Fuck" as in, "The Chernobly's here and we're all good"?
01:17:39No, "fuck" as in, "fuck!"
01:17:41Where's Nick?
01:17:42Admit it! You sucked his balls, you licked his booty,
01:17:45you sucked his toes.
01:17:47Was his dick bigger than mine?
01:17:48You wore the heels, didn't you?
01:17:50Admit it, bitch!
01:17:52There's gonna be some changes, all right?
01:17:54First, I'm dropping "Agnew" from my name.
01:17:56No more hyphenate.
01:17:57Next, I'm getting back on stage.
01:17:59I'm going back to music because I jam.
01:18:01But you wouldn't know nothing about that
01:18:03because you're probably somewhere sucking a motherfucker's dick!
01:18:06Excuse me?
01:18:08Hang up the phone, Jerry. This shit don't concern you.
01:18:12How do you know my name?
01:18:13Hang up the phone, motherfucker!
01:18:15This is between me and my wife!
01:18:17Hey! Give me that phone!
01:18:19Give him the phone, Nick.
01:18:21I know what I'm doing. I know what I'm doing!
01:18:23No, you don't, man. Let it go! Let it go, man.
01:18:26Wrong number. But you're a bad girl and you hurt him.
01:18:30Were you just yelling at your 9-year-old wife?
01:18:36God damn it. I'm gonna go nuclear on these guys.
01:18:39They couldn't have gone far, man.
01:18:42Lou! Come on, we gotta go.
01:18:45- Hey. - Hey.
01:18:49Hey, did you find the Chernobly?
01:18:50You motherfucker!
01:18:53- Where did he go? - Jacob?
01:18:55- What the fuck? - What's happened?
01:19:00Oh, my God. I get it.
01:19:03I'm his father.
01:19:09Wait, so what do we do?
01:19:10Oh, my God.
01:19:14Hit that.
01:19:17You finish this.
01:19:21Lay down. We got a stupid baby to make right now.
01:19:26I'm back inside of you.
01:19:28I can't believe I'm fucking Adam's sister!
01:19:32I'm doing it! I'm doing it!
01:19:36It's gonna take me a while 'cause I'm a little drunk.
01:19:39Oh, no, it's not. Here I come.
01:19:40Oh, my God, I'm gonna come! I'm gonna...
01:19:43Oh, Shia LaBeouf!
01:19:46Dropping loads!
01:19:48So much fucking semen. Little tiny Jacobs!
01:19:56There's my boy.
01:19:59It was so beautiful. You sack of shit!
01:20:04I knew there was a reason I fucking hated you.
01:20:06And now I know why.
01:20:07I'm gonna tell everybody in prison that I traveled back in time
01:20:11to kill my own father!
01:20:12- Jacob, get off him. Come on! - Time out, young man.
01:20:14Get the fuck off of me! You're a fucking dead man!
01:20:18Nobody fucks my mother in the past!
01:20:20I feel pregnant.
01:20:23You're welcome.
01:20:33You Commies looking for this?
01:20:34- Yes, actually. - Yes, we are.
01:20:35That's what we're looking for.
01:20:37You think we could get that back?
01:20:38No, you may not.
01:20:39But bad news for you, sport. I'm a patriot.
01:20:43And I'm not about to let some Ruskie fucks come into my town
01:20:45and blow shit up with some red-soda-can bomb.
01:20:48Just give it to us, turtleneck.
01:20:49Yeah, okay, you can have it back.
01:20:52As long as that sack over there comes and takes it from me.
01:20:56- I think he's talking about you. - He's talking about you.
01:20:58He's obviously talking about me.
01:21:02Blaine, hello.
01:21:06Can I please get the soda back?
01:21:08Yeah, sure you can.
01:21:15Fuck me in the face.
01:21:16Get him a body bag, Blaine!
01:21:18Give us a minute, okay? Listen to me, man.
01:21:21That guy, that guy has pummeled you again and again.
01:21:26He made you his little bitch.
01:21:28He's humiliated you, emasculated you.
01:21:30The wheel of fate has stopped and dumped you here again,
01:21:34utterly defeated.
01:21:36None of this is helping me at all.
01:21:37I know, it's coming. It's coming right now.
01:21:40Maybe you're supposed to do something different.
01:21:42What is this, girl talk? Let's go here, come on.
01:21:44You're better than him.
01:21:47Maybe not by a lot, but a little.
01:21:49You're the patron saint of the totally fucked.
01:21:52You're completely toxic. There's nothing you can't kill.
01:21:56You're the fucking Violator!
01:21:58The moment's over. Let's go!
01:21:59You can do this! You can get us the fuck out of here!
01:22:03You can be the hero!
01:22:06You love that song, don't you?
01:22:08I love that fucking song!
01:22:10Give me your best shot. Come on, buddy.
01:22:13˘Ü I can be your hero, baby ˘Ü
01:22:18˘Ü I can kiss away the pain ˘Ü
01:22:25˘Ü I will stand by you forever ˘Ü
01:22:30˘Ü You can take my breath away ˘Ü
01:22:37God damn it! None of what you said worked at all.
01:22:42Let's kick these guys' ass, get the shit and go home.
01:22:45No, no!
01:22:54Fuck you! Feels so good!
01:22:57The Chernobly.
01:23:09Martina Navratilova.
01:23:10Smirnoff Ice.
01:23:14That's right, we are Russians! Spies.
01:23:17Yeah, because I was just speaking Russian.
01:23:18He pulls that top, and this whole fucking place blows.
01:23:21You guys count backwards from 50, then pull up the carpet and jump around.
01:23:25Or I'll fuck you up.
01:23:31Hi, Phil. Can we go back to the hotel, lodge?
01:23:34- Sure. - Thank you so much.
01:23:38Five, four, three...
01:23:40Blaine, please stop counting.
01:23:42Chaz, this is an Acorn 5 situation.
01:23:46If we stop counting, they're gonna blow us sky-high.
01:23:48Look, if it is a bomb, they've got it with them, all right?
01:23:51If anyone's gonna blow up, it's them.
01:23:52Chaz, stop!
01:23:55How long did our talking just take?
01:23:57I don't know. I wasn't keeping track.
01:23:58Fuck it, let's risk it!
01:24:00Move out!
01:24:02Now that you're with me, you gotta cover up your belly.
01:24:05Let's get the fuck out of here.
01:24:06What are you talking about? We only had sex once.
01:24:08Let's go. Come on. Kelly, you can talk about it later.
01:24:10You guys are all right?
01:24:11Thank you, Phil. Enjoyed it.
01:24:13Have a good rest of your vacation.
01:24:15We'd love to have you come back here to the Silver Peaks Lodge.
01:24:19- Thanks. Bye-bye. - Thanks, Phil. Take care.
01:24:21Be careful.
01:24:22Hey, watch out!
01:24:26God, you guys see that?
01:24:28Come on, man!
01:24:30Why would you fucking take that from me?
01:24:32I didn't take it from you.
01:24:33You guys...
01:24:37It happened! It happened!
01:24:44Why the fuck are you laughing? Gross!
01:24:50Man down, man down! Code 11.
01:24:53All right, everybody grab your gear, we gotta move!
01:24:57Later, Kelly.
01:24:59Bye, Mom. Love you. Don't do drugs, okay?
01:25:02Hey, bye.
01:25:04Aren't you coming to my room with me?
01:25:06No, I gotta take my clothes off
01:25:07and get in a hot tub with these guys.
01:25:09Then I'm totally over you.
01:25:10Kelly, listen. It's been an interesting trip.
01:25:12You're my sister and I love you.
01:25:15I love you, too.
01:25:17And don't steal that Caboodle makeup thing from JCPenney
01:25:19and you won't do any hard time.
01:25:21I'll see you in 20 years.
01:25:23Uh. You're giving me a ride in the morning, right?
01:25:35Yeah! Let's get this party started!
01:25:38Young blood.
01:25:43Holy shit!
01:25:44Hey, look, it's happening.
01:25:46Here it comes!
01:25:50Hurry up. I can see the '90s.
01:25:52Why are you taking off your clothes?
01:25:54I don't know, man. It just feels right, you know?
01:25:56Fuck it.
01:25:58Adam! Adam! I'm not gonna go!
01:26:02- What? - I'm gonna stay!
01:26:04Don't fuck around, Lou. Let's go!
01:26:07I'm good here, man.
01:26:09I had a good day! I beat the shit out of that guy, finally!
01:26:13I fucked your sister!
01:26:14I could be a good dad!
01:26:16I love you, Jacob!
01:26:18Fuck you!
01:26:21Little scamp. They say the damndest things, man.
01:26:24Come on, Lou, let's go! We'll talk about it when we get home!
01:26:28I was trying to kill myself!
01:26:33I know, man. That's why we came here!
01:26:35If I go back, I'm just gonna kill myself all over again, man.
01:26:40- I can't. - You're gonna stay?
01:26:42Guys, let's go.
01:26:44All right, well, if you're gonna stay, I'm gonna stay!
01:26:45You'd really do that for me?
01:26:47We're best friends! If you're staying, I'm staying!
01:26:50Your bullshit's my bullshit, right?
01:26:52I'm your best friend?
01:26:54You are one of my best friends!
01:26:56I'll take that!
01:26:57Where you going on me?
01:26:58Thank you!
01:26:59Oh, my God!
01:27:01All right, man. Come on!
01:27:47Holy shit.
01:27:48This better be the last time my ass travels through time.
01:28:15It is so good to see you.
01:28:19Are we rolling?
01:28:21Welcome back, bitches!
01:28:24Is that Lou?
01:28:25What took you so long? All right, zoom out.
01:28:28Yeah, that's a weird hair choice.
01:28:29Uh-oh. Look what Daddy did.
01:28:32He looks like a lion.
01:28:34Oh, hi. Didn't see you there.
01:28:37Here's a question.
01:28:38Was it morally wrong for me to exploit my knowledge of the future
01:28:41for personal financial gain?
01:28:45Here's another question.
01:28:46Do I give a fuck?
01:28:48That's my father.
01:28:49Hey, check out my girl.
01:28:51You burned the fucking crab cakes again.
01:28:53No, I didn't burn them because I like them that way!
01:28:57I fucking hate you, Louis.
01:28:59I hate you, too, baby.
01:29:01I love that woman, man.
01:29:03Those are my parents.
01:29:04But seriously, a lot has changed.
01:29:06So, whatever happens, stay the fuck calm.
01:29:11It'll all make sense soon.
01:29:22Good morning.
01:29:23Holy shit, Phil, you got both your arms.
01:29:26Oh. Yeah, I do.
01:29:28That's incredible.
01:29:29Yeah, what happened was a snowplow came along
01:29:32and it took my arm right off.
01:29:34But the ski patrol came along and they put it on ice.
01:29:37Blaine and Chaz. Blaine and Chaz saved his arm!
01:29:39We got 15 minutes before that thing dies, all right.
01:29:42We're gonna put that back on you!
01:29:43I'm pretty happy.
01:29:45It looks great.
01:29:46Anyhow, I have instructions on how to get home.
01:29:48We know how to get home.
01:29:50Yeah. We know...
01:29:51Mr. Dorchen anticipated that you might say that,
01:29:54so I took the liberty of printing up some Lougle maps for you.
01:29:57- You mean "Google"? - Lougle maps.
01:29:59What's the matter with you guys?
01:30:05Fuck me.
01:30:06So, Phil, if you wanna find, you know, like porno
01:30:09or a restaurant review or anything like that, you use Lougle?
01:30:13I bet he's on the Statue of Liberty and shit, too.
01:30:20You want me to go in there?
01:30:22That's what it says on the map.
01:30:27Call me later.
01:30:36Welcome back, Mr. Webber. How was your time away?
01:30:43Hey, how was the trip?
01:30:53˘Ü Letting the days go by ˘Ü
01:30:55˘Ü Let the water hold me down ˘Ü
01:30:57˘Ü Letting the days go by ˘Ü
01:30:59˘Ü Water flowing underground ˘Ü
01:31:01˘Ü Into the blue again ˘Ü
01:31:03˘Ü After the money's gone ˘Ü
01:31:05˘Ü Once in a lifetime ˘Ü
01:31:07˘Ü Water flowing underground ˘Ü
01:31:14Baby, how was your weekend? I wasn't expecting you today.
01:31:19Baby. Baby. I got something to tell you.
01:31:22I know about what you did with a guy named Steve.
01:31:26Steve? Our receptionist?
01:31:29That Tyrese-looking motherfucker out there?
01:31:31Baby, wait a minute. What are you talking about?
01:31:35You think I'm fooling around?
01:31:36First of all, I would never screw around.
01:31:40And you remember I told you about that crazy wrong number I got when I was nine.
01:31:43- That man was so... - I love you, Courtney.
01:31:45I love you so much.
01:31:47I love you, too, Nick Webber.
01:31:50Nick Webber?
01:31:52That's your name.
01:31:54Yeah, it is my name.
01:31:57You know my name. Say it again.
01:32:01- Webber. - Yeah.
01:32:03Grab that. I'll take this one.
01:32:06Hey, Mom. I made you a drink.
01:32:08Is there alcohol in that?
01:32:09Yeah, I believe there's still alcohol in scotch.
01:32:13Talk about your lost weekend, huh?
01:32:15I know, right? Man.
01:32:17Hey, family.
01:32:20What are you faggots talking about?
01:32:22My two handsome men.
01:32:24Let me get you another drink, Dad.
01:32:27Daddy's little buddy.
01:32:30You know what I can't believe?
01:32:32I can't believe we're all here.
01:32:34I can't believe we all made it.
01:32:36Made it together.
01:32:38- A toast. - A toast.
01:32:39Approximately three days ago, or 20 years,
01:32:41depending on your understanding of the time-space continuum, Jacob,
01:32:45sitting here with you guys would have been my worst nightmare.
01:32:48It's true.
01:32:49But I can honestly say right now
01:32:52I'm very happy to be right here in this moment with you,
01:32:56- my best friends. - Hear, hear.
01:32:58To friends.
01:32:59And family.
01:33:00All right. Cheers!
01:33:01To past, present and future.
01:33:05So, "Lougle," huh?
01:33:07Lougle. Just this multibillion-dollar thing I did for a while.
01:33:11My real passion's music, though. So pissed the band broke up.
01:33:15Band? What band were you ever in?
01:33:29˘Ü You know I'm a dreamer ˘Ü
01:33:32˘Ü But my heart's of gold ˘Ü
01:33:36˘Ü I had to run away high ˘Ü
01:33:39˘Ü So I wouldn't come home low ˘Ü
01:33:42˘Ü Just when things went right ˘Ü
01:33:45˘Ü Doesn't mean they were always wrong ˘Ü
01:33:48˘Ü Just take this song and you'll never feel ˘Ü
01:33:52˘Ü Left all alone ˘Ü
01:33:54˘Ü Take me to your heart ˘Ü
01:33:58˘Ü Feel me in your bones ˘Ü
01:34:00˘Ü Just one more night ˘Ü
01:34:03˘Ü And I'm coming off this long and winding road ˘Ü
01:34:10˘Ü I'm on my way ˘Ü
01:34:16˘Ü Home sweet home ˘Ü
01:34:21˘Ü Tonight, tonight ˘Ü
01:34:23˘Ü I'm on my way ˘Ü
01:34:29˘Ü Home sweet home ˘Ü
01:34:35˘Ü You know that I've seen ˘Ü
01:34:39˘Ü Too many romantic dreams ˘Ü
01:34:42˘Ü Up in lights ˘Ü
01:34:44˘Ü falling off the silver screen ˘Ü
01:34:48˘Ü My heart's like an open book ˘Ü
01:34:51˘Ü For the whole world to read ˘Ü
01:34:54˘Ü Sometimes nothing keeps me together ˘Ü
01:34:58˘Ü at the seams ˘Ü
01:35:00˘Ü I'm on my way ˘Ü
01:35:06˘Ü Home sweet home ˘Ü
01:35:11˘Ü Yeah ˘Ü
01:35:13˘Ü I'm on my way ˘Ü
01:35:16˘Ü Just set me free ˘Ü
01:35:19˘Ü Home sweet home ˘Ü
01:35:27English - daejang

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