Wedding Crashers

00:00:04MAN: I don't have custody of the kids I don't get custody.
00:00:07WOMAN: It is pathetic what I've had to go through
00:00:09MAN: Right now, she doesn't know where the kids are.
00:00:11WOMAN: Do not talk about me as a mother
00:00:12MAN: Are they home?
00:00:13WOMAN: I'm so sick to death of you talking about me as a mother.
00:00:16MAN: They're probably at a firehouse somewhere
00:00:18WOMAN: Do not talk about that.
00:00:19I'm sick of you accusing me of not being a good mother.
00:00:21MAN: Are they home? WOMAN: I've been a good mother!
00:00:23MAN: A perfect mother? I can't have custody.
00:00:25WOMAN: Just remember how you... MAN: Right now.
00:00:27Where is Tim right now?
00:00:28WOMAN: Don't you talk about me being a mother.
00:00:29- I hate you! MAN: Hey, I got an idea.
00:00:31Why don't you just kiss my left nut?
00:00:34- I told you this was a bad idea. JEREMY: You know what, Ken?
00:00:36A bad idea would be to let your client walk out of here today...
00:00:39and drag this thing out for another year, wasting more time and more money.
00:00:43The only good idea is to let me and John do our job...
00:00:46and mediate this thing right here.
00:00:47You wanna hear the crazy thing?
00:00:49I know it doesn't feel like it, but we're making progress.
00:00:52JEREMY: Mm-hm. - We settled the deal with the cars.
00:00:54That takes us to frequent-flyer miles. We're flying.
00:00:57KROEGER: Those are mine. - I want them.
00:00:58We're gonna split them right down the middle.
00:01:00How'd that be, Mr. Kroeger?
00:01:02It would be not good at all. I earned those miles.
00:01:05Yeah, you earned them flying to Denver to meet your whore.
00:01:08Oh, Lord.
00:01:09Well, she's not afraid to express herself sexually.
00:01:11She is a stripper, for God's sake!
00:01:13- She is not. - Her name is Chastity.
00:01:16She is white trash. Same as you.
00:01:18Hillbilly.
00:01:20That's it, go comatose for me, baby.
00:01:23You shut your mouth when you're talking to me.
00:01:26Hold it. This is getting confusing.
00:01:29You didn't always hate each other.
00:01:31There had to be nice moments, during the courtship, maybe?
00:01:33- Or the wedding? - The wedding had to be fun.
00:01:36- You have your families. - Your decorations.
00:01:38Families coming together. That's a nice moment.
00:01:40- What'd you have to eat? - Crab cakes.
00:01:42Are you kidding me? How could you not have a good time?
00:01:45- I love them. They're phenomenal. - And did you have a band?
00:01:48- Yeah. JOHN: Good or bad?
00:01:50Who gives a shit? It's a great band, a bad band, it's like pizza, baby.
00:01:53It's good no matter what. There's music!
00:01:54You get them playing "Shout" and you hate it.
00:01:57[SINGING THE ISLEY BROTHERS' "SHOUT"]
00:02:02JEREMY: It's a good time, know what I mean?
00:02:03Rubbing up against each other, a couple of kids who like to fuck...
00:02:06trying to make it honest. I get it.
00:02:08Guys, the real enemy here is the institution of marriage.
00:02:12It's not realistic, it's crazy.
00:02:14Don't do this for the other person.
00:02:16- Say yes to yourself and your future. - Say yes.
00:02:18Have some opportunities for yourself. I'm sure you'd love to be free...
00:02:22maybe go out and meet some Latin guy that can dance...
00:02:24grind up on you, make you feel dangerous but also safe.
00:02:28And you? Don't you wanna get inside Chastity...
00:02:30without wondering if anyone's gonna find out?
00:02:32JOHN: Wouldn't that be sweet? JEREMY: Wouldn't that be nice?
00:02:34And have some Latin guy sweating all over you...
00:02:36talking to you in languages you don't understand...
00:02:38needing you, wanting you, taking you?
00:02:40All we're trying to say is...
00:02:43put your swords away for a second.
00:02:45Let's finish this and let's move on.
00:02:48Get out there and get some strange ass.
00:02:51Could you give her a glass of water so she can take that?
00:02:58Hey, John, that's weird. That glass looks half full to me.
00:03:02Wow, now that you mention it, it is half full.
00:03:08He can have the miles.
00:03:10No, sweetie, you take the miles.
00:03:14Great. Great! Let's sign the paperwork and we are done.
00:03:17This is just semantics. You guys wanna throw a couple miles at us...
00:03:20we'll take a couple. The big thing is that we're all moving on.
00:03:23Could you two just not talk anymore?
00:03:39Oh, good, you got it. Is it 1 00 percent goose down?
00:03:42- Yes. Why do you need this? - Are you sure?
00:03:44I sleep over at John's house every year for his birthday.
00:03:46Okay, that's not creepy.
00:03:49I guess it is a little creepy...
00:03:50when a young man who happens to be an only child...
00:03:53loses both of his parents in a tragic accident one month before his birthday...
00:03:58and then has a best friend make a vow...
00:04:00that he will never spend his birthday alone again.
00:04:03Maybe that would fall under the category of creepy.
00:04:06Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
00:04:09- That's okay. - No, you're really sweet.
00:04:11I've got the perfect girl for you.
00:04:14Janice, I apologize to you if I don't seem real eager...
00:04:16to jump into a forced, awkward intimate situation...
00:04:20that people like to call dating. I don't like the feeling.
00:04:22You're wondering, "Do I have food on my face? Am I eating?
00:04:25Am I talking too much? Are they talking enough?
00:04:27Should I play like I'm interested? I'm not that interested.
00:04:29She might be interested. Do I want to be interested?
00:04:32Now she's not interested. So now, all of sudden, I'm starting to get interested."
00:04:35When am I supposed to kiss her? Do I wait for the door?
00:04:37Then it's awkward. It's like, "Good night." Do you do the ass-out hug?
00:04:40Where you, like, hug each other like this...
00:04:42and the ass sticks out because you're trying not to get too close.
00:04:44Do you kiss them on the lips? Or don't kiss them at all?
00:04:47It's very difficult to read the situation.
00:04:49All the while you're wondering, "Are we gonna get hopped up enough...
00:04:52to make some bad decisions?"
00:04:53And perhaps play a little game called Just the Tip.
00:04:55Just for a second, just to see how it feels.
00:04:57Or Ouch, Ouch, You're on My Hair.
00:05:00Okay.
00:05:01Okay, can you...? Can you put that so he can't see it? And thank you.
00:05:05Hey, Janice. Great talk.
00:05:09[PHONE BEEPS]
00:05:10- John? - Yeah?
00:05:11I gotta see you right away, it's important.
00:05:15What's going on?
00:05:19We got three really big weeks ahead of us.
00:05:22- It's wedding season, kid. - You sandbagging son of a bitch.
00:05:25I got us down for 1 7 of them already.
00:05:27Okay, how many are cash bars?
00:05:29Great question, love where your head's at, and two of them actually are.
00:05:32But I got us covered.
00:05:36Purple Hearts. We won't have to pay for a drink all night.
00:05:38Oh, yeah. Perfect.
00:05:40We are gonna have tons of opportunities to meet gorgeous ladies...
00:05:43that are so aroused by marriage, they'll throw their inhibitions to the wind.
00:05:46Who's gonna be there to catch them?
00:05:48Grab that net and catch that beautiful butterfly, pal.
00:05:50What do you like better? Christmas or wedding season?
00:05:53- Mr. Grey. - Yes, um, the answer would be...
00:05:56wedding season?
00:05:57Bingo. I'm gonna go get my suit. Oh, now, who are we this time?
00:06:01[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
00:06:07Hey, Lou Epstein, I want you to meet a real mensch, Chuck Schwartz.
00:06:10Oh, stop.
00:06:19And as we carry on the tradition of thousands of years...
00:06:23we honor the eternal bond...
00:06:25that stretches through the ages.
00:06:28I have known this couple for many years.
00:06:31Deborah I've actually known for her entire life.
00:06:35I was at her house when her parents brought her home from the hospital...
00:06:39and I was there the day she graduated from medical school.
00:06:43Josh I have known since his bar mitzvah...
00:06:46which those of you who were there know it was not a very pretty sight.
00:06:52But he has pulled himself together nicely...
00:06:55and he's grown into a remarkable young man himself.
00:06:59- Okay. RABBI: He never got the courage...
00:07:01to ask her out, until 1 0 years later, Josh was in the emergency room...
00:07:07and he saw Deborah again...
00:07:09- ...and he said to himself: - [WHISPERING] Hi.
00:07:11RABBI: "Wait. That's the girl I'm going to marry."
00:07:14I now pronounce you man and wife.
00:07:19BOTH: Mazel tov!
00:07:22Mazel tov, baby! From my family to yours, mazel tov. Beautiful.
00:07:26[PLAYING "HAVA NAGILA"]
00:07:33[SINGING "HAVA NAGILA"]
00:07:39[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY AND LAUGHING]
00:07:41Oh, my yarmulke fell off!
00:07:42You sly son of a bitch.
00:07:45[LAUGHING]
00:07:49[SINGING "HAVA NAGILA"]
00:07:52Does anyone know what this here is used for?
00:07:55- Rolling a fatty. - No, not for... Where'd you learn that?
00:07:58You want to get a whole combination.
00:08:00Get the frostings in the middle and the end.
00:08:02[HUMMING]
00:08:04That's it, that's it, that's it! Come on!
00:08:07You both look beautiful up there today, particularly Debbie in that white dress.
00:08:12Enjoy it. After tomorrow, I don't think you're gonna be able to get away...
00:08:15with wearing a white dress.
00:08:18Here, I'll just pick this off, I'll go grab another piece. That's it.
00:08:24[CHILDREN GASPING AND OOHING]
00:08:27In the words of the old country....
00:08:28[SPEAKS IN HEBREW]
00:08:29[ALL SPEAK IN HEBREW]
00:08:31[BAND PLAYING JAZZ MUSIC]
00:08:32Ooh.
00:08:41Come here!
00:08:43I want you to take this note to that blond girl.
00:08:45Hurry, because I'm gonna time you. Go!
00:08:49Hi.
00:08:52Who gave this to you?
00:08:56[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]
00:08:57You know, I saw you at the wedding.
00:08:59- And? - You were crying.
00:09:01Oh, shit. You weren't supposed to see that. Now you probably think I'm a big pussy.
00:09:05No, you were so sweet. Come here.
00:09:09Look, I knew I was never gonna be a professional bullfighter...
00:09:12- ...but that's not why I did it. - Weren't you scared?
00:09:15Can I say yes?
00:09:28- Sanjay Collins. - Chuck Vindaloo.
00:09:30Excited to be here.
00:09:32- Shamus O'Toole. - Bobby O'Shea.
00:09:34- I'm ready to get drunk. - Ha, ha.
00:09:36[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]
00:09:39- Who is that? - Ah, him.
00:09:42I think that's his kid Leonard. The diabetic.
00:09:46WOMAN: Who is that?
00:09:47That's Luigi and Gina's son Christopher. You know, the banker.
00:09:51Oh, that's Mae Lin's adopted son Benny, the veterinarian.
00:09:55- The French Foreign Legion? - Yeah.
00:09:58We lost a lot of good men out there.
00:10:01Wow, really? Mount Everest?
00:10:04I just don't like to talk about it because we lost so many good men out there.
00:10:08Oh.
00:10:09Lost so many good men out there.
00:10:11WOMAN: Playing with the Yankees?
00:10:14Yes, with the Yankees.
00:10:16You lose good men to trades and unruly fans.
00:10:19I... Look, I don't want to talk about it, I'm sorry.
00:10:24It's just a matter of trying to get it down.
00:10:26Tattoo on the lower back. Might as well be a bull's-eye.
00:10:30You know how they say we only use 1 0 percent of our brains?
00:10:35I think we only use 1 0 percent of our hearts.
00:10:38I feel so tiny in your arms.
00:10:41Really? How tall are you?
00:10:44I'm 6'5", but I feel like I'm 4 feet.
00:10:48And some poetry, courtesy of Sarah McLachlan.
00:10:58[THE ISLEY BROTHERS' "SHOUT" PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]
00:11:09[ALL SINGING]
00:11:24Beautiful!
00:11:30The bride!
00:11:31All right, let's go, let's go, let's make a memory!
00:11:34What are you gonna do for an encore? Walk on water?
00:11:37Great guy. He brung me along too.
00:11:38[LAUGHING]
00:11:43- Jesus. Come on. You ruined it. JOHN: Come on. Get in there.
00:11:46You butchered the whole damn cake! You don't treat cake like that.
00:11:50- You gotta treat cake like a lady. - Look at that.
00:11:52Oh, I meant in front of all of them.
00:11:53[CHORTLING]
00:12:00And then everyone said, "Jabroni!"
00:12:03[ALL LAUGHING]
00:12:05Jabroni! This fucking guy, unbelievable!
00:12:08Pop it in.
00:12:12Now spread it around on each other.
00:12:13We need a picture of this. They're crazy!
00:12:15[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
00:12:20Time to party! Time to party!
00:12:23Come on, get a picture, get a picture, get a picture.
00:12:46Hot.
00:13:50[LAUGHING AND MOANING]
00:13:55Oh, no, no.
00:13:56Oh, I'm sorry.
00:13:58Sarah, I feel like I don't even know you.
00:14:01It's Vivian.
00:14:07Would you say you're completely full of shit or just 50 percent?
00:14:12I hope just 50, but who knows?
00:14:32JEREMY: Bet that blond was a real shot of life.
00:14:35Yeah, real shot.
00:14:39You don't think we're being...
00:14:41I don't wanna say sleazy, because that's not the right word...
00:14:44but a little irresponsible? I mean, you know?
00:14:47No.
00:14:49One day, you'll look back on all this and laugh...
00:14:52say we were young and stupid.
00:14:53[CHUCKLING]
00:14:55A couple of dumb kids running around.
00:14:59We're not that young.
00:15:16Hell of a season, pal.
00:15:18JOHN: Hell of a season.
00:15:27Oh, baba ganoush.
00:15:29What do we got?
00:15:32Christmas come early.
00:15:34JOHN: Secretary Cleary? JEREMY: Secretary of the treasury.
00:15:37The guy you loved since business school. Don't thank me.
00:15:40I don't know. I thought the season was over.
00:15:42I was looking forward to taking a break for a little bit.
00:15:45John, what are you talking about? This is the Kentucky Derby of weddings.
00:15:48It's the Clearys. They're an American institution.
00:15:50Pal, there's gonna be over 200 single women at this wedding.
00:15:54Not to mention, they got three live bands...
00:15:56they got oysters, snacks, phenomenal finger food.
00:15:59I'm tired, okay? My feet hurt. My voice is hoarse.
00:16:03Oh, please don't take a turn to negative town.
00:16:05What? Who's getting negative?
00:16:07At the Buckner nuptials you were sitting and sulking in the corner.
00:16:10I wasn't sulking. I twisted my ankle.
00:16:12Rule number 6: Do not sit in the corner and sulk.
00:16:15It draws attention to you in a negative way.
00:16:18Draw attention to yourself, but on your own terms.
00:16:20Don't quote the rules to me, I know them.
00:16:22When Chazz Reinhold passed the sacred rules of wedding crashing onto us...
00:16:261 2 years ago, he gave us a legacy.
00:16:29You make it sound like a cult.
00:16:31From everything you told me about him, he sounds like a kook.
00:16:33You bite your tongue. Chazz Reinhold is not a kook.
00:16:36He is a brave and a decent man. He is a pioneer.
00:16:39He lived with his mother till he was 40. She tried to poison his oatmeal.
00:16:42Erroneous! Erroneous. Erroneous on both counts.
00:16:46- Oh, Lord. Here we go again. - What you should be worried about...
00:16:49is not Chazz Reinhold, who's in the hall of fame.
00:16:52What you should be worried about is you're getting sloppy.
00:16:54Now, if you sit there and expect me to go out on a limb...
00:16:58and try to pull off the greatest crash of all time...
00:17:01I gotta know that your head's right.
00:17:05There is no room for error.
00:17:07Secret Service. Consequences.
00:17:11I love your enthusiasm.
00:17:13If I do this, I don't wanna half-ass it.
00:17:16I want it well planned.
00:17:17He's back.
00:17:20All right, partner. We'll start scheming tonight, okay?
00:17:22- Sounds good. Okay. - If you need me, I'll be on line six.
00:17:30Could be fun.
00:17:43Wow
00:17:44KATHLEEN: Mr. Senator. Thank you. - Congratulations, Kathleen.
00:17:47- Bill, congratulations. - Thank you, senator.
00:17:49Secretary, they just grow up so damn fast.
00:17:51That's the truth, yeah.
00:17:52- Okay. Let's do our pregame. - What do you got?
00:17:57Articles on Secretary Cleary's economic policies.
00:18:00There's also a roster of key family members, a glossary, sailing terms.
00:18:04- Sailing? - Sailing's like sex to these people.
00:18:06- They love it. - Harvard, Kennedy School of Government.
00:18:09Mom's big with charities, blah, blah, blah.
00:18:11Three daughters, one son.
00:18:13- I get it. Good work. - Good.
00:18:16[CHATTERING]
00:18:31Let me see that again, please.
00:18:33Pretty handsome.
00:18:35Okay, what's our back-story?
00:18:37We're brothers from New Hampshire, we're venture capitalists.
00:18:40JEREMY: I'm sick of that.
00:18:43Let's be from Vermont, and let's have an emerging maple-syrup conglomerate.
00:18:47Wait, that's stupid. We don't know anything about maple syrup.
00:18:49I know everything there is to know about maple syrup.
00:18:51I love maple syrup. I love maple syrup on pancakes.
00:18:54I love it on pizza. I put a little bit in my hair...
00:18:56when I've had a rough week. What do you think holds it up, slick?
00:18:59The first quarter of the big game and you wanna toss up a Hail Mary.
00:19:02I'd like to be pimps from Oakland or cowboys from Arizona...
00:19:04but it's not Halloween. Grow up, Peter Pan. Count Chocula.
00:19:08Look, we've been to a million weddings.
00:19:10And guess what. We've rocked them all.
00:19:19Great day.
00:19:21- [WHISPERING] The Eagle has landed. JEREMY: The big show.
00:19:23Hey, hey. Fifth row back with the fancy hat.
00:19:27I like that.
00:19:29No, don't waste your time on girls with hats, they tend to be very proper.
00:19:34JEREMY: Yeah?
00:19:35The proper girl in the hat just eye-fucked the shit out of me.
00:19:39JOHN: I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
00:19:42Why don't you say it a little louder? I don't think the priest heard you.
00:19:46Look, John, I'm sorry I'm not sorry, okay?
00:19:49I'm not gonna apologize. I'm a cocksman.
00:19:52JOHN: Tourette's. - Frank Myers.
00:19:55John Ryan. Say hello to my brother, Jeremy.
00:19:58- Hi. - How are you?
00:19:59So, um, how do you know the groom?
00:20:02We are Uncle Ned's kids.
00:20:04Uncle Ned.
00:20:06- Is he Liz's brother? - Uncle Ned, the brother of Aunt Liz.
00:20:10How is everybody?
00:20:12Well, Dad kind of putters around the house.
00:20:14Aunt Liz sends her best. She couldn't make it.
00:20:17Yeah, I know.
00:20:20She's dead.
00:20:22From the grave.
00:20:24She sends her best from the grave.
00:20:26We've become extremely spiritual...
00:20:28- ...ever since she passed. - I see.
00:20:31But thank you so much for your kindness, brother.
00:20:33Lord knows we need family now more than ever.
00:20:35- Well, you're welcome. JEREMY: Thank you.
00:20:39[PACHELBEL'S "CANON IN D" PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]
00:20:41How many times are you gonna do this shit?
00:20:43Rule number 32: You don't commit to a relative...
00:20:46unless you're absolutely positive that they have a pulse.
00:20:48Rule 1 6: Give me an up-to-date family tree.
00:20:51Your mistake. You made me look like an idiot.
00:20:53Rule number 76: No excuses, play like a champion.
00:21:07Hello, Red.
00:21:11- Dibs. - She's all yours.
00:21:16I ain't gonna fight you.
00:21:18[WAGNER'S "BRIDAL CHORUS" PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]
00:21:41I think we've got a crier.
00:21:43- No shot. - Twenty bucks.
00:21:46- Make it 40. - Done.
00:21:50[CRYING]
00:21:52Oh, are you kidding me?
00:21:54It's beautiful. It's moving. It's a wedding.
00:21:56And now for our next reading, I'd like to ask the bride's sister Gloria...
00:22:02up to the lectern.
00:22:05Twenty bucks, 1 Corinthians.
00:22:06Double or nothing, Colossians 3: 1 2.
00:22:11And now a reading from Paul's First Letter to the Corinthians.
00:22:15"Love is patient, love is kind."
00:22:19As you all know, Craig and Christina...
00:22:22are quite the sailing enthusiasts.
00:22:25In that light, they have elected to exchange vows...
00:22:29which they themselves have written.
00:22:33The ring.
00:22:36CRAIG: I, Craig...
00:22:38take you, Christina, to be my wife...
00:22:40my best friend and my first mate...
00:22:44[SNICKERING]
00:22:46through sickness and health, clear skies and squalls.
00:22:50[GIGGLING]
00:22:51[CLAIRE CLEARS THROAT]
00:22:53I'm sorry, I have a tickle in my throat.
00:22:56CHRISTINA: I, Christina, take you, Craig...
00:22:59to be my best friend...
00:23:02and my captain...
00:23:05to be your anchor and your sail...
00:23:08Well, this is a first.
00:23:09CHRISTINA: ...your starboard and your port.
00:23:12[SNORTS]
00:23:13And now I pronounce you husband and wife.
00:23:18You may kiss the first mate.
00:23:20[GIGGLES]
00:23:22[PEOPLE CHEERING]
00:23:24[MENDELSSOHN'S "WEDDING MARCH" PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]
00:23:28[LAUGHING]
00:23:46[BAND PLAYING SWING MUSIC]
00:24:04Sorry, just a sampler.
00:24:06- Told you this would be classy, right? - Yes, you did.
00:24:09Class, first class all the way. You were not lying.
00:24:13Class, class, class.
00:24:18They've got some kind of seasoning on here. It must be sprinkled.
00:24:21Okay, go get us seats near, but not too near, the bridal party.
00:24:24I'm gonna go drop this box of fresh Wyoming air.
00:24:28If you see crab cakes, get some because I love them.
00:24:31Consider it done.
00:24:37- Fondue set. - Excuse me?
00:24:40The present you're holding is a sterling-silver fondue set.
00:24:43- John Ryan. - Claire Cleary.
00:24:47Uh, so how do you know that?
00:24:49Well, I'm a psychic.
00:24:51- You're psychic? - I am.
00:24:53- Really? - Yes.
00:24:55- What's that one? - Knife set. German. Very nice.
00:24:58- Hm. And that? - Cotton linens, Egyptian.
00:25:01Ooh.
00:25:02- What about that? - Oh, I'll go all day.
00:25:04Place settings, candlesticks, crystal stemware...
00:25:07which they'll probably never use because it's crystal stemware.
00:25:10- Okay, how about that? - This?
00:25:13Uh....
00:25:14Massage oils and a book on tantra, probably from the wacky aunt.
00:25:21Let's check.
00:25:24- Who's it from? - Aunt Millie.
00:25:26- Yes! - Well, you have a gift.
00:25:29I know. Unfortunately my powers only apply to useless consumer products.
00:25:32Well, if the police are missing a Belgian waffle maker, you could give them a hand.
00:25:37[CHUCKLING]
00:25:39- Claire, we need you for pictures. - Oh, okay.
00:25:41- Who's your friend? - This is John Ryan.
00:25:44- Hello. - Excuse us.
00:25:49JEREMY: I might just have one more of the samplers here.
00:25:52- Good. - What have we got?
00:25:54Come back with some more stuff. That's good, though.
00:25:56These bacon-wrapped scallops, phenomenal.
00:25:59Really hit the spot. Unbelievable.
00:26:03Oh, shit. Isn't that the girl you hooked up with at the Andersons' wedding?
00:26:09- Oh, Jesus, I'm smoked. - No, no, don't panic.
00:26:12We're gonna do number 1 0 from the playbook. Here she comes.
00:26:15Shlomo? I thought you were renouncing all your possessions and moving to Nepal.
00:26:20Shlomo, don't you remember me?
00:26:24JOHN: Oh, my God, you didn't hear.
00:26:26I'm so sorry. Shlomo had a scuba-diving accident.
00:26:30Yeah, he came up too fast and the oxygen deprivation....
00:26:34Poor guy. He doesn't remember anyone, even me, his own brother.
00:26:37I'm just some nice guy who helps him out.
00:26:40You poor thing.
00:26:44He can't hear anything either. It's part of the accident.
00:26:47So are you here for the Clearys' wedding?
00:26:49Oh, yes. Yes, but I have to leave.
00:26:53- I've got a flight to Madrid. JOHN: Oh, you have to leave?
00:26:55- Yes. JOHN: Oh, okay.
00:26:58I could hang out for a few minutes.
00:27:02Oh, actually that won't be necessary.
00:27:05Shlomo would like me to take him to the bathroom, then get him some crab cakes.
00:27:09So, yeah, no, that's not...
00:27:11Okay, okay.
00:27:12Okay, I'll take you to get crab cakes first, then I'll take you to the bathroom.
00:27:17You know what?
00:27:19Here's my number. If there is anything I can do to help....
00:27:22Okay.
00:27:24Okay, have a safe flight. Don't worry about us.
00:27:26- We're gonna be fine, we're gonna make it. - Okay.
00:27:30Doctor.
00:27:33She looked good. I might give her a shout.
00:27:35How? She thinks you're deaf.
00:27:37Everyone wants to be part of a miracle. I turned the corner, she's a part of it.
00:27:40People helping people. It's powerful stuff.
00:27:42God, you're a sick man. You also may be a genius.
00:27:46Okay, so, what angle are we gonna play here?
00:27:48I'm gonna go with the balloon-animal display for the kids...
00:27:51and then when she comes to check it out, guess who's a broken man.
00:27:54- Haunted past. - Haunted past. Excellent.
00:27:55- How about you? - I'll dance with the flower girl.
00:27:58Or be a charter member of Oprah's Book Club.
00:28:00- It's all deadly. I'll see you in a little. - Yes.
00:28:03Final touch. There it is.
00:28:06One happy elephant.
00:28:08All right. Who else wants something?
00:28:11I want a bicycle.
00:28:13A bicycle? Well, a bicycle, that would take a lot of balloons...
00:28:17and Uncle Jeremy's a little tired right now...
00:28:19so why don't we do something like, let's say, a giraffe?
00:28:22I just want a bicycle!
00:28:27Why are you yelling at me?
00:28:28Whatever. Make me a bicycle, clown.
00:28:38I'm gonna make you a bicycle. But I don't want to make you a bicycle.
00:28:41Shut your mouth, funny guy, and make it.
00:28:46JOHN: You got it.
00:28:49There you go. Yeah, you got it.
00:29:03Let's see how you do with somebody your own age.
00:29:06I think I'm up to the challenge.
00:29:08All right, will you save me a dance for later?
00:29:10- Maybe. JOHN: Ha, ha. Okay.
00:29:17[CLEARS THROAT AND CHUCKLES]
00:29:25Go on, take it, you hyena.
00:29:28Don't say thank you.
00:29:30Hi. You're good.
00:29:32That thing? I'm just warming up. Last week I did a...
00:29:35- ...exact replica to scale of Wrigley Field. - Ha, ha.
00:29:38Honest to God. I don't have anywhere to put it.
00:29:41Okay, then I'll take a sports car.
00:29:43How about a dance?
00:29:45That's what I really wanted.
00:30:12[MUSIC ENDS AND PEOPLE CLAPPING]
00:30:18So how long have you and the secretary been married?
00:30:21- Thirty years next April. - Oh, that's beautiful.
00:30:24Yeah, and we were faithful for two of them.
00:30:28- Hm? - Enjoy the party.
00:30:35- Congratulations, Mr. Secretary. CLEARY: Thanks.
00:30:42Secretary Cleary, John Ryan.
00:30:44- Hi, John. - I just wanted to tell you how much...
00:30:47I enjoyed your position paper on economic expansion in Micronesia.
00:30:51You've read my position paper?
00:30:53I read it while I was sailing my boat to Bermuda.
00:30:55A sailor?
00:30:57- Good man, take a seat. - Oh, thanks.
00:31:00You didn't happen to catch my speech...
00:31:02on the Paraguayan debt and money supply issue, did you?
00:31:05Are you kidding me? I thought it was great.
00:31:07Your argument for the inverse ratio of capitalization to debt was genius.
00:31:13Now, if we can just get Congress not to be so shortsighted.
00:31:16Yes. Well put. "Shortsighted."
00:31:20John, what do you say you and I head out to the deck and light up a couple of cigars?
00:31:25- Stogies? - Yeah.
00:31:26Why not?
00:31:28It's just that we lost a lot of really good men out there.
00:31:34I'm sorry.
00:31:36Gloria, I think I gotta go get some fresh air.
00:31:40Thank you so much for the dance and it was wonderful to meet you.
00:31:46I wish I were stronger.
00:31:55Jeremy!
00:31:58Jeremy, wait up!
00:32:04CLEARY: John, you seem like an astute man. JOHN: Thank you.
00:32:07Maybe you can help explain something to me.
00:32:10See that young man out there on the dock?
00:32:12JOHN: Sure. CLEARY: That's my son, Todd.
00:32:15Twenty-two years old, the whole world in front of him.
00:32:18Every advantage in life, advantages I never had.
00:32:22Well, that's not exactly true.
00:32:24He had the same advantages I had, which is a hell of a lot of advantages.
00:32:27So here's my question:
00:32:30What's he got to be so morose about?
00:32:33Maybe he hasn't found something to believe in.
00:32:35Oh, he says he believes in art.
00:32:37But all I've seen him do...
00:32:39is dribble his own blood on a canvas and smear it around with a stick.
00:32:44- You know, some people call that art. - It's crap.
00:32:47What about having a public service, an obligation to our fellow man?
00:32:52Well, maybe he's....
00:32:54Maybe he's just trying to find his own way, his own path.
00:32:57I mean, you cast a pretty big shadow.
00:33:02Yeah.
00:33:04Yeah. Yeah, perhaps...
00:33:07I should take it easier on him.
00:33:10Perhaps.
00:33:11Death, you are my bitch lover!
00:33:16CLEARY: Todd, that's good!
00:33:19Tell that mean ocean!
00:33:23Oh, see that?
00:33:25It's a start.
00:33:28GLORIA: So you dove into the icy water?
00:33:30Why would a man risk his own life for the life of a complete stranger?
00:33:35The great 1 9th century philosopher Schopenhauer...
00:33:39he said, at that moment, when a human sees another human in danger...
00:33:44that there's this breaking in of metaphysical awareness.
00:33:49Do you know what that awareness is, Gloria?
00:33:51- What? - That we're all one.
00:33:55That separateness is an illusion.
00:34:00And that I'm one with everyone.
00:34:02With the prime minister of England and my cousin Harry.
00:34:07You and me.
00:34:10The fat kid from What's Happening!!
00:34:12The Olsen twins.
00:34:14Natalie Portman.
00:34:16The guy who wrote Catcher in the Rye.
00:34:19Nat King Cole.
00:34:21Carrot Top.
00:34:23Jay-Z.
00:34:24- "Weird Al" Yankovic. - Hm.
00:34:27Harry Potter, if he existed.
00:34:29The whore on the street corner.
00:34:31Your mother.
00:34:33- We're all one. - We are?
00:34:36That my hands are your hands.
00:34:38Oh.
00:34:39And that my cheek...
00:34:42is really your cheek.
00:34:45And that my lips....
00:34:47Are my lips.
00:34:48According to Mr. Schopenhauer, they are.
00:34:53[GLORIA MOANING]
00:34:55CLEARY: Well, the guy wants to run for president.
00:34:58Oh, so you're hiding, I see.
00:34:59He thinks Moby Dick is a venereal disease.
00:35:02Well, that's what I need. Claire.
00:35:04[JOHN LAUGHING]
00:35:06Sorry to interrupt.
00:35:08- Christina wants to talk to you. - Fun's over.
00:35:13- Yeah. - Funny.
00:35:15CLEARY: Franklin! - What a great guy.
00:35:18You are a big hit at this wedding.
00:35:20Well, everyone's so nice. It's easy.
00:35:26- They're all full of shit. - What?
00:35:29Half of these people are here because of my dad.
00:35:31They're all just, you know, suckling at the power teat.
00:35:35No, no. Come on, they're here because they want to believe...
00:35:39they're in the presence of true love. That's why people come to weddings.
00:35:42Because they wanna believe in true love.
00:35:45What's true love?
00:35:48True love is your soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another.
00:35:57Well, it's a little cheesy, but I like it.
00:36:00I saw it on a bumper sticker.
00:36:02[CHUCKLES]
00:36:04- So you gonna give a toast? - Yes.
00:36:06- You nervous? - Mmm, little bit, um.
00:36:08- What are you gonna say? - Would you...?
00:36:13- You keep it in your cleavage. - Nowhere else to put it.
00:36:16Normally, I'm not very good at these things, but I think this one's pretty good.
00:36:21"I never thought my sister would find someone...
00:36:23who cared about what other people thought as much as she did...
00:36:26- ...until I met Craig"? - Yes.
00:36:28That's funny. That's funny because it's true.
00:36:30You know, people like funny.
00:36:32I know. But the whole funny-because-it's-true bit...
00:36:35only works if the truth is a small thing.
00:36:38Like, "Everyone knows Jennifer likes to shop, ha, ha, ha."
00:36:41You're better off going with something from the heart.
00:36:43I think that people are gonna like this.
00:36:45I think you're gonna hear crickets.
00:36:47- I think you're wrong. - Sounds of silence.
00:36:49- Nope. Mm-mm. - Okay, go walk the plank.
00:36:52- I'm sticking to it. - Go ahead.
00:36:54Hey, meet me at the back of the room. I'll be waiting to say, "I told you so."
00:37:01Good luck.
00:37:03And so, after my ninth stint in rehab, um, Craig....
00:37:09Oh, Craig.
00:37:11Craig was the only one who still believed in me.
00:37:15Been sober now for eight months.
00:37:17[CHUCKLING]
00:37:18And, uh, I thank God every day...
00:37:23for sending me a friend like Craig.
00:37:26I love you, man.
00:37:29[PEOPLE CLAPPING]
00:37:40[CLAIRE CLEARS THROAT]
00:37:44I never thought my sister would find someone who cared about...
00:37:47what other people thought as much as she did until I met Craig.
00:37:56Uh....
00:37:58As you all know, my sister and Craig are both lawyers...
00:38:01at big law firms in New York.
00:38:04But that's not the only thing they have in common. Um....
00:38:08They both like the color green...
00:38:10like Craig's eyes and money.
00:38:18Um, heh....
00:38:32You know, someone once told me that...
00:38:35true love is...
00:38:38the soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another.
00:38:43And I think that that's a very rare thing in this world.
00:38:48And I think it's something to be valued.
00:38:51And I'm just really happy that my big sister's found it.
00:38:55Congratulations, Chris.
00:38:58[MOUTHING] Thank you.
00:38:59[PEOPLE CLAPPING]
00:39:10Ah!
00:39:12- That was amazing! - It was really great.
00:39:15We should probably head back so they're not looking for us.
00:39:19I always knew my first time would be on a beach.
00:39:23First time?
00:39:28You were a virgin?
00:39:30- Mm-hm. - Wow.
00:39:31Jeremy, we're gonna be so happy together.
00:39:36I love you.
00:39:37- I'm sorry? - I love you.
00:39:49CLAIRE: You totally saved me. - No.
00:39:51- Yes. - Claire, come on. Come on.
00:39:55Oh, baby, you were awesome.
00:39:58- No. - Listen to me, awesome.
00:40:00Okay.
00:40:01John, this is my boyfriend, Sack.
00:40:04- Hey, fella. - How you doing?
00:40:06- Listen, we gotta go meet the Schreibers. - Okay.
00:40:08It was great to meet you.
00:40:10[WHISPERING] Thank you.
00:40:14Boom, I gotcha.
00:40:15[LAUGHING]
00:40:17- How you doing? - Oh, great. Good to see you.
00:40:20I gotta get out of here, pronto.
00:40:22- I got a Stage 5 clinger. - No, no, I need more time.
00:40:25Did you hear what I just said to you? Stage 5? Virgin? Clinger?
00:40:28Let's go, I'm gonna start the car. I'm serious, let's go.
00:40:34I don't think you appreciate the urgency.
00:40:35Not only is she a virgin, she's totally off the reservation.
00:40:38I'm terrified of this broad.
00:40:40- There you are. - Hey, Gloria, wow.
00:40:44What a coincidence, I was just singing your praises. This is John Ryan.
00:40:47GLORIA: Oh, hi. - Yeah.
00:40:48My family and a few friends, we're all going back to our place on the shore...
00:40:51and it would be so great if you guys came.
00:40:54Really?
00:40:55- Sounds sort of wonderful. - I am...
00:40:56Well, it does, it sounds very nice.
00:40:58And I'm flattered that you would think of me...
00:41:00to include me in something like that. Thank you.
00:41:03It kills me however to have to tell you I'm sorry, I just...
00:41:06- Timing's no good. I can't make it. - Why?
00:41:08- It's gonna be so much fun. - It's gonna be so much fun.
00:41:11I'm sure it will be fun for the people that are going.
00:41:14I unfortunately can't go. I don't have... I only have this monkey suit.
00:41:17- I don't have any clothes. - No, we have everything you need.
00:41:20- Problem solved. Problem solved. - The problem's not solved.
00:41:23- Deal us in. - Oh, cool, cool, cool.
00:41:25I'm gonna run and find my dad.
00:41:27Don't ask your dad. Don't ask your...
00:41:28- The train's going. We gotta get on. - Why not just feed me to the lions?
00:41:32- What? - Step on my head when I'm drowning.
00:41:34- What? - What do you mean, what?
00:41:36John, this is completely against the rules.
00:41:37You have a wedding and a reception to seal the deal. Period.
00:41:40- There's no overtime. No. - Oh, no overtime?
00:41:42What about the Chang wedding three years ago?
00:41:44- Oh, that's bullshit. - Yeah, thought I forgot about that.
00:41:47Two a.m., you dragged me 50 miles to watch you and some chick...
00:41:49play mahjong with her grandmother at a retirement home.
00:41:52- Yeah, completely different situation. - How?
00:41:54What do you mean, how? She was a very, very family-oriented girl.
00:41:57She was very into her grandmother.
00:41:59- Give me a break. - That was my first Asian!
00:42:03- You better lock it up. - You better lock it up.
00:42:05- No, you lock it up. Lock it up. - You lock it up. Lock it up.
00:42:08Please. It would mean so much to me. Please.
00:42:12Look at the way he's looking at me.
00:42:14He doesn't like me. He's the secretary of the treasury.
00:42:16To be honest with you, my taxes aren't exactly in line.
00:42:18- You're being paranoid. - He's threatened by the way I dance.
00:42:21Damn it. Why'd I have to go showing off like that?
00:42:24Now I'm all over his radar. Stupid.
00:42:26You're not that good a dancer.
00:42:28Oh, please. You and I both know I'm a phenomenal dancer.
00:42:30Now I know you're lying. You'll do anything to get me to go...
00:42:33even if I have to walk right into the lion's den.
00:42:36Gloria, come on!
00:42:38You know I'm not gonna give in to this kind of behavior.
00:42:41She's like a kid at Toys "R" Us. I can't be around it.
00:42:43Oh, get off your high horse. Stop judging people.
00:42:45You take off the white wig and you stop judging me.
00:42:47I don't want to be around someone who's a nut job.
00:42:50- I need alone time with her. - You wanna hang out with Claire...
00:42:52the boyfriend and Sybil, by all means. I'm not going.
00:42:55I'll lay it out for you in chapter and verse: You're going.
00:42:57Let me break it down for you, I'll hold your hand like a small child:
00:43:01- I'm not going. - You are.
00:43:02- You can go if you want. - You're gonna be a team player.
00:43:05JEREMY: No, I'm not. - He'd love you to come.
00:43:07- Yes. Yes! Baba ganoush! - Well...
00:43:11GLORIA: Baba ganou!
00:43:25SACK: Okay, okay. Home sweet home.
00:43:29KATHLEEN: Thank you, Sack. Thank you.
00:43:33JOHN: You okay? - Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:43:35JOHN: Come here, come here.
00:43:37Are you okay? I'm gonna need 1 00 percent of Jeremy and you're looking a little weird.
00:43:41She took me below deck for 45 minutes. I don't have any bodily fluids left in me.
00:43:45Gentlemen, everything okay?
00:43:47- Great. Yep. SACK: Great?
00:43:48You know, we were thinking about a little game of touch football, you know?
00:43:52- Yeah? - Cleary family tradition.
00:43:55A little pigskin, why not?
00:43:57CLEARY: Great. - Don't forget to stretch, guys.
00:43:59We're gonna be on the field in 1 0.
00:44:01CLAIRE: I'm open, I'm open!
00:44:06SACK: There you go. Nice, nice, nice.
00:44:10There you go.
00:44:31Clothes fit.
00:44:33I'm not even gonna say it, but you know I'm upset.
00:44:36I know you are. I think you look good.
00:44:40You know I don't look good.
00:44:43GLORIA: Hey, honey! I'm over here!
00:44:47Are you ready? Are you ready for some football?
00:44:49You want the noise brought on you? Here it comes.
00:44:51- The what? MAN: The noise brought on you.
00:44:53- Here it comes. - Just hike the ball, nut job.
00:44:55Ready! Set! Hut! Hut! Hike!
00:45:00One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi.
00:45:02CLAIRE: Over here! Me, me, me!
00:45:06[GRUNTING]
00:45:07MAN: Yes!
00:45:08- Wow. - Whoo!
00:45:10Yes! Crab cakes and football!
00:45:12- That's what Maryland does! CLEARY: Nice one.
00:45:15[GRUNTS]
00:45:16- A little out of shape? - Yeah.
00:45:18[CHUCKLES]
00:45:20- Way to bring it. SACK: Anticipate that rush.
00:45:21- I saw you had it. - Hey, shut up!
00:45:23- You gotta anticipate that rush. - Of course I do.
00:45:25SACK: You did a great job. JEREMY: What happened, Toast?
00:45:27I think he's on steroids.
00:45:29It was like trying to cover a fucking racehorse.
00:45:31[GRUNTING]
00:45:33- Get it up! Get it up! - Well, don't worry about it.
00:45:36- We'll burn them with the post. - No, no. No, I got a better idea.
00:45:40Look, I want you to fake the post...
00:45:42throw an interception to Claire, get her to feel good.
00:45:45Gets her involved. You think you can do that?
00:45:47John, I was first team, all-state. I can put the ball wherever I want to.
00:45:50I'll make it rain out here. All right, guys, bring it in. Blue 1 7!
00:45:56Blue 1 7! Red 7!
00:45:58- Oh, you're gonna cover me? - Like white on rice.
00:46:01All right, I like my odds here. I'm gonna give you a little warning:
00:46:04- I'm going downtown. - Hot route!
00:46:06Red 7, Red 7, Red 7!
00:46:08Look for me in the end zone, I'll be the guy holding the ball.
00:46:11- John! Red 7! - What?
00:46:13- I don't know what "Red 7" means. - Hot route!
00:46:16I don't... What is "hot route"?
00:46:18Will you just go stand on the other side, please?
00:46:21CLAIRE: Are you running away from me?
00:46:22JOHN: No. I'm just getting over here. CLAIRE: You scared?
00:46:26- Down! - Come on.
00:46:28Ready, down, set! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hike!
00:46:33GLORIA: Go, Jeremy!
00:46:35Hey, yo! Hit me! Hit me!
00:46:39Booyah!
00:46:40That's what we call a "Sack lunch"! Yum, yum, yum, yum.
00:46:44Ow, burn.
00:46:46[SCREAMING]
00:46:48Big tree fall hard, right?
00:46:49How many fingers I got up? Come on, Pepe, how many fingers I got up?
00:46:52Oh, come on, I got four. Okay, here's five.
00:46:55Man down! We got a man down. You okay?
00:46:59Hey, is your brother okay?
00:47:01- What? Ah, he's fine. - I can't breathe.
00:47:03SACK: What's that? - I can't breathe.
00:47:05No, no, no, I think he's really hurt.
00:47:08Well, serves him right after that throw.
00:47:11Hey. Baba ganoush.
00:47:13I don't know what got into me, secretary, I just...
00:47:15I do. Five generations of Lodge family breeding.
00:47:20[GROWLING AND CHUCKLING]
00:47:22- Your father used to pull the same stunt... - I can't breathe.
00:47:25- ...when we were your age. - I can't breathe.
00:47:27You okay?
00:47:28[WHISPERING] Great. You threw it perfectly.
00:47:31Come on, get up.
00:47:33- Don't oversell it. - I'm not selling anything.
00:47:35Come on, stop milking it. You make us look like a bunch of pussies.
00:47:39Jeremy. Sit this play out.
00:47:42Todd, come on in.
00:47:45You must be joking.
00:47:46It wouldn't kill you to play some competitive sports...
00:47:50once in a while, would it?
00:47:52Oh, would that make you love me?
00:47:53Pfft. Jesus.
00:47:56Hey, Jeremy, Red Moon Dog 7-11.
00:47:59Forty-two, 30-teen.
00:48:01Hut one! Hut two!
00:48:03Blitz!
00:48:04- Oh! Ah! - Jeremy!
00:48:07[GRUNTING]
00:48:09[GASPING]
00:48:10- That looked like it hurt. - Ooh.
00:48:12- I got you. JEREMY: No, you didn't.
00:48:14- You're cheating. - You're cheating.
00:48:16Oh, my God. Your brother, he's down again.
00:48:22What is his deal?
00:48:25I don't know what's getting into me today, guys.
00:48:27Nature versus nurture, Lodge. Nature always wins.
00:48:31What are you doing? It's a game of touch.
00:48:33Every time I look over, you're on your ass again.
00:48:35If I had any air in my lungs, I'd scream at you.
00:48:37Oh, now you're gonna blame me?
00:48:39Because you're not athletic enough to stay on your two feet?
00:48:42I hate you.
00:48:43Let's take a daiquiri time-out.
00:48:44- Daiquiris. - Daiquiris.
00:48:48Oh.
00:48:49Sweetheart, why don't you take him into the house and fix him up?
00:48:52- Sure, Mom. - No, don't baby him.
00:48:53It just makes it worse.
00:48:56JEREMY: Oh, my back hurts.
00:48:57Oh, great. Game's over. Satisfied?
00:49:00You got everyone on you now. Get all the attention.
00:49:03GLORIA: Come on, baby.
00:49:06It's hot out here.
00:49:07- Yeah, it is. - Yeah.
00:49:09You should have played in your underwear.
00:49:13I'll get you a drink.
00:49:20Oh, Jesus Christ. Hss, it burns.
00:49:23- It stings. Oh, Jesus. GLORIA: Poor baby.
00:49:26You want me to blow on it?
00:49:27No. No, no, no.
00:49:29No, I don't need any blowing. I'm good. Thank you.
00:49:32Jeremy, I'm not wearing any panties.
00:49:35- That's right. - Oh. Yeah...
00:49:36Okay. That's fun. That's nice.
00:49:39Okay. Oh, oh, yeah.
00:49:40Oh, yeah, that's fun. Yeah, that's fun.
00:49:43Okay, Gloria. You need to stop. Yeah, that's fun.
00:49:45That's fun. That's fun.
00:49:47[CLEARS THROAT]
00:49:50Don't you worry, Gloria. Mum's the word.
00:49:53Thank you, Randolph.
00:49:56- A little more discreet, though, okay? GLORIA: Hee, hee.
00:50:04Jesus Christ.
00:50:06Don't worry, he won't say anything.
00:50:09I'm confused. Like eight hours ago you were a shy little virgin...
00:50:12and now you're not wearing any panties. I'm trying to catch up with you.
00:50:15You do that to me. Ooh.
00:50:17- Where's my little friend? - No, no, no.
00:50:18- Where's my little friend? - He's tired.
00:50:20He's in time-out. He's in time-out.
00:50:22Gloria, please. I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted. I've had a very long day.
00:50:26I had your sister's boyfriend dry-hump me up and down the field all afternoon.
00:50:30My leg's cut and bleeding. I'm just... I'm not really in the mood for this.
00:50:35- Fine! - Ow, Jesus Christ!
00:50:37My father warned me about people like you, Jeremy.
00:50:40- I'm just another notch on your belt. - It's not like that. It's not like that.
00:50:43Really? Then what's it like, Jeremy, huh?
00:50:46- Ow! Ow! - Huh?
00:50:47No! Wait! Wait!
00:50:48It's just that I'm feeling very strongly...
00:50:51that we're only expressing ourselves in a physical, sexual-specifically way.
00:50:55That's it! Wait!
00:50:57And I'd like to play some catch-up on finding out who's inside here.
00:51:03Okay?
00:51:06- Jeremy. - Heh, heh.
00:51:08- Jeremy, you're amazing. - Oh, God, I think you're amazing.
00:51:11- Oh, my God, don't ever leave me. Good. - Ever.
00:51:15[IN BABY VOICE] Because I'd find you.
00:51:17[CACKLING]
00:51:19Yeah.
00:51:21[IN NORMAL VOICE] Of course, like all kids, I had imaginary friends, but not just one.
00:51:24I had hundreds, and all of them from different backgrounds...
00:51:27who spoke different languages. One of them, his name was Caleb...
00:51:30he spoke a magical language that only I could understand.
00:51:33[GIBBERING]
00:51:36[CLEARY GIBBERING]
00:51:37Get him all patched up?
00:51:39I sure did, Daddy.
00:51:42Gloria bug.
00:51:44You go change for dinner.
00:51:46Okay.
00:51:51Phew.
00:51:53You know, she's not just another notch on the old belt.
00:51:59I don't even wear a belt. Beltless.
00:52:03I'm a very powerful man.
00:52:06Yes, you are.
00:52:11See you for dinner.
00:52:15SACK: So I am president of the Environment Defense League.
00:52:18And I pick up this little sea otter...
00:52:21and wipe off the oil from the tanker spill.
00:52:23You gotta step this up already. I'm gonna give you the damn eye drops.
00:52:26No, I don't want them. It's too hardcore.
00:52:28JEREMY: Do you want to be alone with her? JOHN: Yes.
00:52:30Put these in his drink and he'll be going down on a toilet seat for the next 24 hours.
00:52:34I don't wanna do it. I can beat this guy. Let's be honorable for once.
00:52:39[WHIMPERING]
00:52:41And the whiskers.
00:52:42[CONTINUES WHIMPERING]
00:52:44And the oil's... The oil's flapping, he goes:
00:52:46[COUGHING AND WHIMPERING]
00:52:48- Give me the eye drops. - Thank you.
00:52:55Perfect.
00:52:57[CHATTERING]
00:53:04[CLINKING ON GLASS]
00:53:07Let us bow our heads in prayer.
00:53:15Heavenly Father...
00:53:17we thank you for thy bounty on this table...
00:53:20and ask that you bless the entire Cleary family...
00:53:23and all the friends here assembled.
00:53:26- Amen. - Amen.
00:53:31Oh, these scallops look fantastic.
00:53:34I bought them from an organic scallop farm right off the coast of Nattachoke.
00:53:38CLAIRE: Actually, Sack got the governor to subsidize part of the project.
00:53:42And now it's the state's only self-sustaining scallop farm.
00:53:45Say that five times fast. You can't do it. Self-sustaining...
00:53:48[CHUCKLING]
00:53:49JEREMY: They look terrific. Maybe I'll actually try some...
00:53:51when I get the sensation back in my face. From the football game.
00:53:55Again, Jeremy, I'm sorry. You know, I have this damn competitive streak, um.
00:53:59- I'm seeing a Buddhist about it. - Not just any Buddhist.
00:54:02His Holiness, the Dalai Lama. He's a good friend.
00:54:05Stop traffic. Because when I go back to town...
00:54:08I'm actually gonna see an orthopedist about what you did to my back.
00:54:11Not just any orthopedist. I'm gonna see a Dr. Epstein...
00:54:13Hey, Sack, how long have you and Claire been seeing each other?
00:54:17Claire and I? What's it been, sweetheart? A couple years?
00:54:20Three and a half.
00:54:22Yeah, actually, we started dating while we were doing Habitat for Humanity.
00:54:26Sure.
00:54:27Pretty soon we'll be getting married.
00:54:31Yep.
00:54:32Well, not too soon, um....
00:54:35We still have a lot of things that we want to accomplish.
00:54:38Anyway, once Claire and Sack tie the knot...
00:54:41two of the great American families, the Clearys and the Lodges...
00:54:44- ...will finally unite. - Hear, hear.
00:54:46And then, of course, you can challenge the Klingons...
00:54:48for interstellar domination, right?
00:54:50[LAUGHING]
00:54:54Jeremy. I saw you on the dance floor.
00:55:02You move pretty good.
00:55:04Oh, thanks a lot.
00:55:06I really just got lucky.
00:55:08I was more in the zone than anything else.
00:55:10It was the booze dancing, heh, heh.
00:55:12[LAUGHING]
00:55:15Sorry, guys, I forgot. How are you connected to the family again?
00:55:18Uncle Ned's kids.
00:55:21You know, Uncle Ned?
00:55:22Aunt Liz's brother. Ned and Liz.
00:55:27SACK: Hm. No, I don't know. CLEARY: So, Jeremy...
00:55:30you and your brother are venture capitalists.
00:55:33- That's right. - That's great.
00:55:35Venture capitalist. The backbone of the system.
00:55:39- It's the new pioneer. O'NEIL: New pioneer.
00:55:41So is it just about the money?
00:55:43No, no, it's about...
00:55:46investing in companies that are ethically and morally defensible.
00:55:49- Like what? Give me an example. - Like what? Well, there's the company...
00:55:53that we have where we're taking the fur or the wool from sheep...
00:55:58and we turn it into thread for homeless people to sew.
00:56:02And then they make it into cloth, which they in turn sew...
00:56:06then make little shirts and pants...
00:56:10for other homeless people to sell. It's a pretty good deal.
00:56:14- People helping people. JOHN: Yeah.
00:56:16That's very admirable.
00:56:18Thank you. Although don't make me out to be a saint just yet.
00:56:21We do turn a small profit.
00:56:23After all, someone has to pay for the lap dances for the big guy here.
00:56:29He's joking around. It feels so good when he jokes.
00:56:33What's this company called?
00:56:35- Holy sh... - Shirts & Pants. Holy Shirts & Pants.
00:56:38It's a little corny and obvious...
00:56:40but what do you get out of being subtle, right?
00:56:42Well, that's a hell of a good project.
00:56:45I'm gonna mention something to the commerce secretary.
00:56:47That would be terrific. That would be great, huh?
00:56:50Terrific, it was terrific.
00:56:52Isn't my Willy doing a wonderful job there in Washington?
00:56:55- Mommy. - You know, Willy's father, my husband...
00:56:59[GURGLING]
00:57:00was the secretary of state for President Franklin Roosevelt.
00:57:05That must have been so thrilling. FDR.
00:57:07My gosh, FDR was a wonderful President.
00:57:10MARY: He was a doll.
00:57:12The wife, though, Eleanor?
00:57:15- Big dyke. CLAIRE: Oh, Lord.
00:57:17Huge dyke. A real rug muncher.
00:57:20Looked like a big lesbian mule.
00:57:26Grandma, you can't talk like that, okay? It's not right.
00:57:30Somebody get me another Scotch for chrissakes.
00:57:32I think I'm gonna go to bed.
00:57:34CLAIRE: Honey, are you okay? SACK: Oh, yeah.
00:57:36I'm fine. You know, I'm just a little tired. Thanks.
00:57:38- Okay. - You all right?
00:57:40Oh, yeah. Yeah.
00:57:45What an athlete. A tremendous competitor.
00:57:48I know.
00:57:50Todd, I noticed that you haven't even touched your food yet.
00:57:53- I don't eat meat or fish. - He's a homo.
00:57:56[LAUGHING]
00:57:58CLEARY: Mommy, let's not go there again.
00:58:01Actually, Todd is an amazing painter.
00:58:04He's going to the Rhode Island School of Design.
00:58:06JOHN: Oh, that's a great school. Congratulations, Todd.
00:58:09That's really impressive. RISD.
00:58:11Yeah, Dad used to think I'd be a political liability...
00:58:14you know, in case he ever ran for president.
00:58:17Now, Todd. Actually, truth be told...
00:58:20polling shows a majority of the American people...
00:58:23would ultimately empathize with our situation.
00:58:27- What is our situation, Dad? - You're a homo.
00:58:31Oh, for God sakes, William, put Mommy to bed already.
00:58:34Okay. Mommy, we've had a long day.
00:58:37I can do it myself, asshole.
00:58:43Wow
00:58:45I'll be in my room painting.
00:58:47Homo things.
00:58:50You just go right ahead, Toddy.
00:58:54WOMAN: Wonderful scallops. CLEARY: Absolutely. Wonderful.
00:58:57You know, I think I'm gonna get some air.
00:59:01Oh, I'll get some air if you want some company.
00:59:04- Sure. JOHN: Let me just change my shoes.
00:59:07- Excuse me. - All right. I'm gonna...
00:59:09Can't walk away from the delicious food that we got here.
00:59:15[DOOR SLAMS]
00:59:21I just had my tits done.
00:59:24You like them?
00:59:27Those seem like lovely tits.
00:59:30William doesn't give a shit about my tits.
00:59:33Well, darn him.
00:59:35But, Mrs. Cleary, this is pretty sudden.
00:59:38You've been playing cat and mouse with me ever since you came here.
00:59:41- Mrs. Cleary, I don't... - Call me Cat.
00:59:44- Okay, Cat... - Call me Kitty Cat. Rowr.
00:59:50Okay, Kitty Cat, this feels borderline inappropriate, and...
00:59:56- Feel them. - What?
00:59:57- I said, feel them. - Mrs. Cleary...
00:59:59Kitty Cat.
01:00:01I'm sorry, Kitty Cat. Are you out of your fucking mind?
01:00:05I'm not letting you out of this room...
01:00:07until you feel them.
01:00:21Wow, they feel really nice. Real orb-like.
01:00:24It's amazing what they can do to...
01:00:28Pervert.
01:00:40TODD: Mom make you feel her tits?
01:00:46Did you say something, Todd?
01:00:49Mom make you feel her tits?
01:00:52Todd, where are you going with this?
01:00:55Just don't say anything to my dad, though.
01:00:59Some friend of my sister's...
01:01:01she said something to my dad a couple of years ago...
01:01:05he now lives in a shack in Guam.
01:01:09Not by choice.
01:01:11Stop kidding with me, Todd. You almost had me.
01:01:15Come on.
01:01:25- John, I need to talk to you. - No, not right now.
01:01:27What's wrong with you? Why you got the weird look all over your face?
01:01:31Claire's mom just made me grab her hooters.
01:01:33Well, snap out of it! What? A hot older woman made you feel her cans?
01:01:37- Stop crying like a little girl. - I wasn't crying like a little girl.
01:01:40Try getting jacked off under the table in front of the family...
01:01:43and have some real problems. Jackass.
01:01:46What were they like? They look pretty good. Are they real?
01:01:49Are they built for speed or for comfort? What'd you do with them?
01:01:52Motorboat? You play the motorboat? Pbbbbt.
01:01:55You motorboating son of a bitch. You old sailor, you.
01:01:58Where is she? She still in the house?
01:02:01What is wrong with you?
01:02:02What do you...? What's wrong with you?
01:02:04- What's wrong with you? - What's wrong with you?
01:02:06- You're projecting. - Drop it.
01:02:07You drop it. You stop projecting on me.
01:02:09You go enjoy yourself while I go ice my balls and spit up blood.
01:02:12JOHN: Drop it! - "Team player."
01:02:33[JEREMY CLEARS THROAT]
01:02:39Oh, Mr. President.
01:02:50[SCREAMS]
01:02:52What do you want?
01:02:54You're in my room.
01:02:56Oh, dear.
01:03:00I'm too drunk to walk, so carry me to my room.
01:03:06Carry you?
01:03:09Sure.
01:03:16RANDOLPH: You banging the daughter and the grandma?
01:03:19- How much jam you got, man? - Jam?
01:03:21Listen, man. The family dog live downstairs.
01:03:25I can wake him up for you if you like. His name is Snooky.
01:03:28- You could not be more wrong... - Just be gentle with her, okay?
01:03:32She be pushing 90.
01:03:40Jesus Christ.
01:03:52Hey. Good thing I didn't hold my breath.
01:03:56Yeah, I'm sorry, I just, uh....
01:03:59Sorry I'm late, I just....
01:04:01You okay?
01:04:03No, no, I'm fine, I just....
01:04:05I just got held up.
01:04:09My family's a little strange.
01:04:12A little strange?
01:04:13Come on. Claire.
01:04:16Your family are totally nuts.
01:04:20- And guess what. - What?
01:04:23- I love it. - You do?
01:04:25- Yeah, it seems great. - Really?
01:04:27- Yes. - I get a little self-conscious.
01:04:29It's a family. You're mixing it up.
01:04:31You got the sweet little grandma who's really sweet...
01:04:34with her, like, little, like, white hair, but then she's kind of mean.
01:04:37But you're like, "Well, fuck it, she's so old, and she's not gonna change now."
01:04:42Shit, it was great.
01:04:44I just hope I didn't embarrass myself with that stupid joke I told.
01:04:47Are you kidding? That was so funny.
01:04:49- No, really? Really? - Yeah. Yeah, you're like that crazy guest...
01:04:53who thinks he's part of the family. It's great.
01:04:55Doesn't sound that great. That sounds horrible.
01:04:58- No, it's cute. - The crazy guest who thinks he's...
01:05:00like, part of the family who's gonna say inappropriate stuff? What is that?
01:05:03Yeah. You know, you break the ice.
01:05:06- Yeah. - It can be so stuffy sometimes in there.
01:05:08CLEARY: Claire?
01:05:10CLAIRE: Yeah? - There you are.
01:05:12Have you checked on Sack? I think he's pretty sick.
01:05:15- Oh, really? CLEARY: Yeah.
01:05:17Okay. Yeah. No, I'll be right in.
01:05:20- I should... I should go check on him. JOHN: Yeah, sure, okay.
01:05:23Yeah, we'll take a walk some other time.
01:05:27Claire.
01:05:29Mm-hm?
01:05:33I'll talk to you later.
01:05:36Okay.
01:05:49CLAIRE: Oh, no.
01:05:51Are you okay?
01:05:53Well, Claire...
01:05:55my head's buried in a toilet.
01:05:57What do you think? Why don't you do the math, okay?
01:06:01Honey, it's okay to be vulnerable sometimes. It's just me.
01:06:05Yeah, you can just cut that psychobabble bullshit that your mom tells you, okay?
01:06:08- Right. - Hey, you wanna help me out?
01:06:11Do you? Do you, kid? Why don't you go get me a 7-Up, okay?
01:06:14All right, because I think I'm... I think I might get vulnerable again.
01:06:32- What the fuck is going on? - Shh.
01:06:34[SHUSHING]
01:06:36You'll wake my dad.
01:06:38Baby, I started thinking about what you said before...
01:06:40and I think the problem is I am not being adventurous enough for you.
01:06:44Gloria, I am pretty sure that is not what I've been saying to you.
01:06:47Shh.
01:06:50Baby...
01:06:51I'm gonna make all your fantasies come true.
01:06:55But this is not a fant...
01:06:57[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
01:07:00I love you.
01:07:02[MUFFLED SCREAMING]
01:08:43[GRUNTING]
01:08:48[VOMITING]
01:09:02Gloria, go to sleep, honey.
01:09:05It's not Gloria.
01:09:09Jesus Christ.
01:09:10We had a moment at the dinner table.
01:09:12We did not have a moment at the dinner table.
01:09:14Yes. We had a moment.
01:09:16I was there. I would have noticed if there was a moment.
01:09:20I made you a painting.
01:09:22What?
01:09:24TODD: I call the painting "Celebration."
01:09:26It's sexual and violent.
01:09:30I thought you might like it.
01:09:33No.
01:09:34[DOOR SLAMS]
01:09:36CLEARY: Where's that coming from? You hear that?
01:09:39- Hide! You gotta hide! Yes. - No. They need to know about us.
01:09:41- It's okay. - Hide, hide, hide! Please, please, please.
01:09:46Not there. Not there! I'm not comfortable... I'm not comfortable with that!
01:09:49- Let's play tummy sticks. - What's tummy sticks?
01:09:52I don't want to play. Get in the closet.
01:09:54It's okay, I was where you were a year ago.
01:09:56Get in the fucking closet right now. You go get in the closet!
01:09:59You go get in the closet! You go get in the closet!
01:10:02Go.
01:10:07I'll pop out at the right moment.
01:10:08JEREMY: No, you will not.
01:10:16Everything okay in here? I thought I heard something.
01:10:20I was just having a bad dream.
01:10:26I know about bad dreams.
01:10:29You know, Todd...
01:10:33screams at night sometimes.
01:10:38You know, the doctors call it night terrors. I don't know.
01:11:03[MUTTERING]
01:11:04Okay, then.
01:11:06Sleep well.
01:11:10[DOOR SHUTS]
01:11:15There's nothing terrifying about the night.
01:11:18Now, listen, if you let me go to bed and get some sleep...
01:11:22then we can talk tomorrow.
01:11:24- You won't make time for me. - If I get my sleep...
01:11:26I'd love to make time and talk about, uh, different things.
01:11:30Like paintings.
01:11:34Can't wait for tomorrow, when I got energy and I can share stuff.
01:11:37- Okay. - Okay.
01:11:38- Oh, it's gonna be great. - You sleep.
01:11:47Okay. That was nice.
01:11:49That was nice. Please let me just sleep.
01:11:55I can't take this fucking shit anymore.
01:12:06There he is. It's the big guy! Get in here.
01:12:10Wait till you see the spread. Anything you want.
01:12:12Yeah, well, get what you want to go.
01:12:14Ferry leaves in 25 minutes. We gotta get out of here.
01:12:16Whoa, what's your problem? Have some of this stuff.
01:12:19I didn't get a lot of sleep last night, John. I'm fried.
01:12:21- Soft mattress? - Yeah, that could've been it.
01:12:23It could have been the soft mattress, or the midnight rape...
01:12:26or the nude, gay art show in my room.
01:12:28One of those probably added to the lack of sleep.
01:12:30Try one of these scones, you'll love them.
01:12:32I'm a little too traumatized. Let's move.
01:12:34Will you slow down for a second? The whole eye-drop thing backfired.
01:12:37Okay? It didn't work. She had to leave me and go attend to him.
01:12:43Why are you looking at me like that?
01:12:44You're falling for this broad.
01:12:47No. I just met her.
01:12:49Exactly. I'm gonna go.
01:12:51- You can't go. - Watch me.
01:12:53Watch me take this on down the road.
01:12:55Look, if you leave, Gloria is gonna freak out and throw a shit fit...
01:12:59and it's gonna go into crisis lockdown mode here at the house.
01:13:02I don't give a baker's fuck.
01:13:04I just had my own sock duct-taped into my mouth last night.
01:13:07- Whoa, what? - Yeah, the sock...
01:13:09that I wore around all day, playing football in, pouring sweat in...
01:13:13was shoved into my mouth, and there was duct tape over it.
01:13:16Let's talk about it. I'm a good listener.
01:13:18I'm not in a place to discuss what happened. Okay?
01:13:20I felt like Jodie Foster in The Accused last night.
01:13:22I'm gonna go home, see Dr. Finkelstein...
01:13:25and I'm gonna tell him we got a whole new bag of issues.
01:13:28We can forget about Mom for a while. I'm gonna go.
01:13:32Suit yourself. Rule number 1.
01:13:35Rule number 1: Never leave a fellow crasher behind.
01:13:42- I can't believe how selfish you are. - I need you.
01:13:49A friend in need is a pest.
01:13:55I'll stick it out with you because you're desperate.
01:13:58I need the big guy.
01:13:59I'll give you a little bit more time because somebody can't close.
01:14:02- Fair enough. - But if you want my help, listen.
01:14:04Number one: Stop being a pussy.
01:14:07Number two: Make a move.
01:14:09Number three....
01:14:11You know it.
01:14:13Could you pop the syrup for me? Just as a top off?
01:14:15Here's what's gonna happen, Tonto.
01:14:18Kimosabe's gonna have some flavor.
01:14:20- I choose not to eat with you. - We're not eating together?
01:14:22No. I'd like to recharge my batteries, and shut down the engines...
01:14:26and get myself back to neutral.
01:14:27When the meal's over with, I will talk to you.
01:14:30I don't want to get into what happened last night.
01:14:32Let's get through today, let's keep our eye on the prize, let's focus...
01:14:36- ...and let's close some ass. - Noted.
01:14:44Can I tell you something without you getting angry?
01:14:48I love you.
01:14:52Yeah, you, big guy.
01:14:55I love you too.
01:14:59[LINE RINGING]
01:15:00MAN: Hello
01:15:02- Trapster, it's Sack. - Sackmaster.
01:15:05- How was the wedding? - Oh, it was boring, you know
01:15:08But the bachelor party, of course, rocked.
01:15:09We got Heidi, a couple of those fucking sluts from the environmental group, remember?
01:15:13No way. Did you tap that again?
01:15:16Once at my place, then once back in the cab.
01:15:19Damn! Sluts.
01:15:21Oh, how's Claire?
01:15:22Still trying to figure out what she's doing with her life?
01:15:26Claire? She's, you know, whatever, I don't know.
01:15:28She's saving the world one maladjusted kid at a time.
01:15:31But that'll all change when we're married.
01:15:33I want a wife. I don't want a fucking martyr, right?
01:15:35I hear that, my friend
01:15:38Hey, man, listen, I, uh, got...
01:15:41Do you remember that private detective we used...
01:15:43to set up that Shearson Lehman prick?
01:15:45The "Big Sleazy," Tommy Gufano. He's a wop genius.
01:15:47Yes. I need you to get some dirt on these two guys...
01:15:50John and Jeremy Ryan. They're brothers from New Hampshire.
01:15:53They got some sort of N.P.O. called Holy Shirts & Pants.
01:15:57- I will check into them. - Excellent, bro.
01:16:00- You the man. - Take it easy.
01:16:02[GURGLING AND BELCHING]
01:16:07CLEARY: Where's Sack?
01:16:09CLAIRE: Oh, he's still not feeling very well.
01:16:11CLEARY: Well, then, we'll sail without him.
01:16:42CLEARY: John, my boy. - Yes?
01:16:43We're tacking back round.
01:16:45Do me a favor, ease the sheets...
01:16:48swing the jib starboard.
01:16:50Okay, let me, uh...
01:16:55Okay.
01:17:07JOHN: One minute.
01:17:09- Hi. How's it going? - Hi.
01:17:12Oh, just swinging the jib here for your dad.
01:17:14Starboard. Trying to get it over here and crease the sheet.
01:17:18But starboard's this way.
01:17:21- Oh, that's right. What am I...? - Yeah.
01:17:24- What am I thinking? - I'll help.
01:17:25- Okay. CLAIRE: Hang on, hang on.
01:17:28Watch the jib boom.
01:17:33All right, push it. Push it this way.
01:17:37Oh, yeah. Yeah, this is better.
01:17:39- Come on, use some muscle. - There we go.
01:17:42All right, that's beautiful. Done. Done.
01:17:44I'm used to sailing down under with the Kiwis...
01:17:47so everything is backwards.
01:17:49Even the toilets, when you flush them, the water spins the opposite way.
01:17:54Really freaks you out the first time you see it.
01:18:13CLEARY: John, my boy.
01:18:15Come on up here.
01:18:16Man the Woodwind for a while.
01:18:18On my way.
01:18:25Hey, your dad was telling me about a great beach near here...
01:18:28that maybe we could check out, if you have any interest, when we get back.
01:18:34- Yeah. - Great.
01:18:35Okay, it can get confusing up here. If you have a problem, just give me a call.
01:18:39CLAIRE: Thank you.
01:18:41JOHN: Ah, sailing. What have we got, captain?
01:18:43Take the wheel.
01:19:09- Thanks. - How would one get to this Sook's Bend?
01:19:13Actually, it would be a really nice bike ride.
01:19:15[GUN COCKS]
01:19:16Everything's ready for the quail hunt!
01:19:18- Sack? - For the quail hunt?
01:19:20It's a Cleary family tradition.
01:19:23Well, I think you might have to deal me out on this, because we were gonna...
01:19:26Nonsense, I insist.
01:19:28John, you gotta go. You're gonna love it. You're gonna love it.
01:19:30Sack, honey, you a little bit sick for hunting?
01:19:34Oh, no, I'm great. Honey, I'm great.
01:19:36No, I'm going. Right? Right?
01:19:39[SACK CACKLES]
01:19:40[SACK GUFFAWS]
01:19:42Okay. You're going.
01:19:44- So I guess I'll see you later. - See you later.
01:19:48Just take it easy, okay?
01:19:49- Okay. CLAIRE: Okay.
01:19:51Mr. Environmental is also a hunter. It's kind of an interesting combination.
01:19:55I hunt quail, Jeremy.
01:19:57They're overpopulated and they're decimating the grub-worm population.
01:20:00Got a fucking problem with that?
01:20:02Not nearly as much as I do with the attire that you have on...
01:20:05or just your general point of view towards everybody.
01:20:08But let's go kill some birds. I'm psyched.
01:20:13Have you even shot one of these things before?
01:20:15The whole 1 7 years we've known each other...
01:20:17I've been sneaking off to go on hunting trips around the world.
01:20:20No, I don't even know what the fuck a quail is.
01:20:22I feel totally ridiculous. It's like, why do I have to be in camouflage?
01:20:25So the big bad quail doesn't see me?
01:20:27I know. It's like, why can't we hunt something cool...
01:20:30like a hawk, or an eagle, or something with some talons?
01:20:33That'd be awesome. Big game, even like a gorilla?
01:20:36- Yeah. Gorilla. - Or a rhinoceros.
01:20:37- Rhino. - Or a fucking human being?
01:20:39That'll get you jacked up.
01:20:42That's a little heavy.
01:20:43I mean, like... You're hunting a human being right now.
01:20:46Most Dangerous Game
01:20:48Like a worthy adversary. Not a human being that's armed...
01:20:51- Oh, if he wasn't armed. - ...but a clever human being...
01:20:53- ...who knows the jungle, or the woods. - Like a bad guy.
01:21:00[BIRDCALL WHISTLING]
01:21:06There's something not right about these guys.
01:21:09MAN: What do you mean? - I mean, it's time to send them home.
01:21:12Sack, don't do anything crazy.
01:21:13- I'm just gonna scare them a little bit. - All right.
01:21:18To the right!
01:21:20[SCREAMING]
01:21:22[SCREAMING]
01:21:24BOTH: Ooh.
01:21:26Ooh.
01:21:28- They got me! - Oh, shit.
01:21:30JEREMY: They got me! - Oh, shit.
01:21:33JEREMY: Ow!
01:21:35Ow! Jesus!
01:21:37- You okay, buddy? - Oh, don't "okay, buddy" me.
01:21:40We're gonna take a little bike ride, and then we'll come back and check up on you.
01:21:44And take care of him, okay? I want you to get my little angel up and running.
01:21:47- Hang in there. - I hope you flip your bike over...
01:21:50and knock your two front teeth out, you selfish son of a bitch!
01:21:53You leave me in the trenches taking grenades, John!
01:22:13CLAIRE: Wait, wait, wait, wait.
01:22:26Yes!
01:22:29JOHN: Whoa.
01:22:32Come on!
01:22:35JOHN: Slow down!
01:22:39MAN [ON TV]: Tough luck, Ralphie boy
01:22:42- Randolph. - Shh.
01:22:43I'm watching my stories, man.
01:22:46Is that what you get paid to do?
01:22:48It's exactly what I get paid to do.
01:22:51Look, I want to know where Claire is.
01:22:53She took a bike ride down to the beach.
01:22:57With who?
01:22:58With that fella from the wedding that everyone seems to be so fond of.
01:23:09CLAIRE: So you're a venture capitalist?
01:23:11What does that mean?
01:23:13JOHN: Oh, it's really not that interesting, actually.
01:23:17CLAIRE: You don't sound very enthused.
01:23:19JOHN: Well, no, it's just... You know, things start happening...
01:23:22and you go down a road and you think it's just for a little while.
01:23:27And then you get caught up in it and you get kind of into it...
01:23:32and just don't even have time to really ask questions about it.
01:23:36And before you know it, you're living a life that you didn't set out to...
01:23:39or that you intended to.
01:23:42Do you know what I mean?
01:23:45Yes, I do.
01:23:48I think that there's some great things that I'd like to do...
01:23:51that maybe I'm capable of, hopefully.
01:23:55Oh, yeah? Like what?
01:23:57I don't know.
01:23:59We'll see. I'm still young.
01:24:03Well...
01:24:06you're not that young.
01:24:11I'm sorry.
01:24:14Give me your hands.
01:24:15I know this game. Okay.
01:24:17JOHN: I'm not gonna bite you.
01:24:21Do you want full speed or half speed?
01:24:24Full. Oh, ha, ha, wow.
01:24:28You're never gonna hit me, I don't think. I'm pretty quick.
01:24:33CLAIRE: What? You didn't approve of that? - Let me get settled before you go.
01:24:37No, because you're supposed to...
01:24:38[SLAPPING]
01:24:40You gotta wait until I put them back.
01:24:42Come on.
01:24:45So, what about you, with Sack?
01:24:48Is that a good thing?
01:24:50Yes, I think it's a good thing.
01:24:55You don't sound very enthused.
01:24:57I am.
01:24:59Well, I mean, I think I am. I....
01:25:03I'm....
01:25:06Okay.
01:25:09I... You know, we've just been talking so much about the future lately...
01:25:12and, uh, I mean, I always assumed that we would get married.
01:25:17But....
01:25:21I'm scared.
01:25:23I am.
01:25:27But that that's how everyone feels before they're about to get married.
01:25:30I mean, don't you think?
01:25:33Yeah, no. Don't answer that.
01:25:35That's my rationalization and I'm sticking to it.
01:25:38Fair enough.
01:25:41And I don't mean to pry.
01:25:44Yes, you did.
01:25:51Well, however it works out, I hope you....
01:25:55Um....
01:25:57I hope you realize that you deserve somebody great.
01:26:35I have an announcement.
01:26:40I know that we said we were gonna wait...
01:26:44but given the spirit of this weekend, well....
01:26:49Claire, come on. Come on. Come on, come on, it's okay.
01:26:52Come on. Come on.
01:26:59[CHUCKLING]
01:27:03Claire and I are getting married.
01:27:04[CHATTERING AND CLAPPING]
01:27:07KEN: Good, Sack. That's wonderful.
01:27:10MAN 1: Isn't that great?
01:27:12- Wonderful. - Wonderful.
01:27:14[SNORING]
01:27:15MAN 2: Way to go, man. Way to go.
01:27:17Claire bear, you never told me.
01:27:19Two of the great American families.
01:27:21MAN 3: Claire, you took us all by surprise! SACK: Yeah.
01:27:24- Yeah. MAN 3: You're good! You're good!
01:27:27Can you just give me one minute?
01:27:29- Yeah. Mmm. - Okay.
01:27:32KEN: Great.
01:27:34Congratulations, young man.
01:27:35Welcome to the family. This is wonderful.
01:27:38Look, kid, I'm sorry. You win some, you lose some, right? Let's go home.
01:27:41- No, I'm not... I can't do that. - What are you talking about?
01:27:44Look, I think I'm in love with her.
01:27:46Yeah, I think... I think that you're nuts. That's what I think.
01:27:51I'm gonna tell her the truth.
01:27:54Jesus Christ!
01:27:59- Hey. How are you? - Hey.
01:28:04Okay, listen, Gloria, you know that I think...
01:28:07that you're an amazing person, a really amazing person...
01:28:09but I feel like I have to be up-front with you.
01:28:12I really don't see this relationship going further than this weekend.
01:28:15- But I love you. - Yeah.
01:28:17You'll learn as time goes on that there's a difference...
01:28:19between infatuation and love, you know?
01:28:23Obviously, you're gonna have strong feelings for me...
01:28:26because you lost your virginity to me...
01:28:28- ...but that doesn't mean... - Oh, I wasn't a virgin.
01:28:33- What? - I wasn't a virgin.
01:28:35Far from it.
01:28:38I just thought that that's what guys wanted to hear.
01:28:43Come on.
01:28:46Jeremy.
01:28:51Wow
01:28:57Hello, son.
01:28:59- You okay? - Not now, Father, please.
01:29:02No offense to you, I think we might be on different wavelengths.
01:29:06I think you'd just be spinning your wheels with me.
01:29:08But have a little of the sacrament here.
01:29:10No one likes to drink alone. We'll set you up.
01:29:14There you go, get your hands on it. Take it while it's hot.
01:29:16I'm gonna pour till it's on the tray. Here it is.
01:29:21Can I ask you a question, Father?
01:29:24You ever get horny?
01:29:26[CHUCKLING]
01:29:28I'm sure you do. But I guess in your position, right? You're not allowed to...
01:29:33- ...sleep with anybody, right? - No.
01:29:35Does that get tough sometimes?
01:29:37Do you ever pull on yourself or...?
01:29:41Everything works?
01:29:42- Do you get swelled up still? - Yeah, of course.
01:29:45- Well, what do you do? - You pray.
01:29:48Yeah, I pray too, you know what I mean?
01:30:01She's good.
01:30:03I mean, I believed that she was a virgin.
01:30:05It hurts to be lied to like that.
01:30:07It's a horrible feeling to feel that way.
01:30:09But I was looking to take advantage of something too.
01:30:11So could I really feel that bad?
01:30:14It's not like I was who I was. You know? So fair play.
01:30:16And let's be honest here, okay?
01:30:18Let's put all the cards on the table. She's fit for a straitjacket.
01:30:21She's fucked three ways towards the weekend.
01:30:23And you wanna know what? I dig it. It turns me on.
01:30:26Yeah. It turns me on.
01:30:28You wanna know what the kicker is, Father?
01:30:30Maybe I'm a little fucking crazy. That's right. Maybe Jeremy's a little nuts.
01:30:34Maybe I'm a little cuckoo.
01:30:36I know it's a surprise. It's not on the surface.
01:30:38I had an imaginary friend when I was a kid. His name was Shilo.
01:30:41We used to play checkers with each other every day...
01:30:43and bless his heart, Shilo would always let me win.
01:30:46[CHUCKLING]
01:30:48And that ain't normal. There's something odd in that.
01:30:50Maybe that's what it takes to make you feel connected to somebody. I don't know.
01:30:54I know when that redhead starts getting kooky...
01:30:56that something about me feels alive inside.
01:30:59I dig talking with you. You're an enlightened cat...
01:31:01and I like that about you. I think you're a special, special man.
01:31:05Okay, come in for the real thing.
01:31:07- Get in here for the real thing. - Oh, oh.
01:31:09I love you. You're a sweet man.
01:31:11Oh, dear God.
01:31:29You can't marry this guy.
01:31:31Why?
01:31:33Because I've fallen for you.
01:31:41[CELL PHONE RINGING]
01:31:42WOMAN: Oh, this is wonderful. - Oh.
01:31:44Good news travels fast.
01:31:46Excuse me. I'm just gonna take this. Sorry, thanks. Thanks.
01:31:51Trapster, talk to me.
01:31:55No shit.
01:32:01And do you maybe feel the same way?
01:32:04- Maybe. - Maybe.
01:32:06That's all I needed to know.
01:32:08But this is crazy, because I don't know any...
01:32:10- Why? - I don't know anything about you!
01:32:13- What do you mean? - You do investments in New Hampshire...
01:32:16and you have a crazy brother...
01:32:19I need to talk to you. It's not a big deal...
01:32:21but maybe you wanna sit back on the swing.
01:32:23[GUNSHOT]
01:32:25Run!
01:32:26Johnny! She's trying to kill me!
01:32:30- Grandma! - Get the gun from her!
01:32:32Put the gun down! Mother, stop!
01:32:35This is the real world, lady!
01:32:36You can't just go shooting people on a whim!
01:32:39MAN: Why does Grandma have a gun?
01:32:40- What did you do? - I told you that in confidence.
01:32:45- That was a confession. - What are you talking about?
01:32:49Why don't you tell her, John?
01:32:53- I don't know what's going on. - You don't know?
01:32:55- I'm playing catch-up, too. - I don't...
01:32:56CLAIRE: Sack, what are you doing? SACK: Remembering yet?
01:32:59- You remember yet? CLAIRE: Are you okay?
01:33:00SACK: They're not who they say they are, Claire.
01:33:02- Those aren't even their real names. - What?
01:33:05- Everything he told you is a lie. CLAIRE: I don't understand.
01:33:08Claire, they crash weddings.
01:33:10They crash weddings so they can sleep with girls.
01:33:13Everything that they have told us is a complete fabrication.
01:33:16- No, you're joking. - All of it is... Don't you fucking get up.
01:33:19- Sack, will you just stop? - Okay, okay.
01:33:22CLAIRE: Is that true? - No, well, it's... Not entirely.
01:33:26No, it's a yes-or-no question.
01:33:28I know, but it's complicated.
01:33:29CLAIRE: Yes or no?
01:33:37Yes or no?
01:33:39Yes.
01:33:42With shades of gray.
01:33:47I'm not perfect, but who are we kidding? Neither are you.
01:33:52And you wanna know what? I dig it.
01:33:55Jeremy tried to seduce me!
01:33:59You did?
01:34:01I want my painting back.
01:34:03The painting was a gift, Todd.
01:34:05I'm taking it with me.
01:34:08You had me going, son.
01:34:10I thought it was something special.
01:34:12There's a ferry leaving in 1 0 minutes.
01:34:16I suggest you be on it.
01:34:19Come on, let's go.
01:34:23- [WHISPERING] I want you. - [WHISPERING] I love you.
01:34:28He made a fool out of you, Claire.
01:34:35Come on, let's go.
01:34:40Sweetheart.
01:35:21Now bunch those panties up into a little ball.
01:35:25Put that little ball right in your mouth. Oh, that's good.
01:35:27- Hang up the phone. - Okay.
01:35:30And I will definitely call you back later then.
01:35:32- Come on, wrap it up. - Talk to you soon. Thank you, Larry.
01:35:35What the fuck? You can't knock anymore?
01:35:37- I know how I can get to her. - What?
01:35:39I know how I can get to Claire.
01:35:41Oh.
01:35:42John, you gotta drop this thing. I can't do this anymore with you, okay?
01:35:46It's been months, you haven't heard anything from her.
01:35:48She hasn't returned your phone calls, she's never responded to your letters.
01:35:51- She didn't respond to the candygram. - Right.
01:35:54God knows what happened to the kitten you got her.
01:35:56She didn't keep it and I know you're not raising that thing.
01:35:59- Okay. - I think it's very obvious...
01:36:00at this juncture that she just flat out does not wanna see you.
01:36:05I disagree. Now, look, they're having the engagement party...
01:36:07for her tonight at the Burke's club. We're going at 7:30.
01:36:10I'm not g... John, I can't... Heh, heh, heh.
01:36:13Okay, okay, listen to me. Tasmanian devil.
01:36:16- Listen to me. I can't go. - Why?
01:36:18Because I can't go, because I have a schedule. Because I have...
01:36:23What is your deal? What is your problem?
01:36:25For the past couple months you've been a ghost.
01:36:28I can't find you, and now I come to you with an idea...
01:36:30put myself on the line, you shoot it down with negativity.
01:36:32Your goddamn negativity. I don't need it. I'm an idea man.
01:36:36I thrive on enthusiasm. Don't take the wind out of my sails. I need you.
01:36:39Buddy, you know I love you, and I hate to see you like this...
01:36:44but we gotta look at reality here.
01:36:45There's gonna be Secret Service. They have pictures of us.
01:36:48There's not a shot in hell we can get into this thing.
01:36:51You're so cautious. I'm more of a risk taker.
01:36:53I'm two steps ahead of you and 1 0 steps ahead of the Secret Service.
01:36:57Oh, yeah. 46 extra long, baba ganoush special.
01:37:02We're waiters.
01:37:03Buddy, for your own good, you gotta let this thing go.
01:37:06Now, I'm gonna meet you there at 7:30, okay?
01:37:10Okay.
01:37:24JOHN: Hey, how do I look? - Good, man.
01:37:26- Good. - Where's your friend?
01:37:28Late, as usual. Is Claire...?
01:37:30- Oh, she's looking fine. - Okay.
01:37:54SACK: Next thing you know they pick me up, put me on the top of this mountain...
01:37:58and they start chanting, and I realized...
01:38:01they thought I was God.
01:38:05And I'll tell you something, I thought I was too.
01:38:07CLEARY: Claire.
01:38:10Let's dance.
01:38:11[PEOPLE CLAPPING]
01:38:21[BAND PLAYING POLKA MUSIC]
01:38:38SACK: You. - Huh?
01:38:39[GRUNTING]
01:38:43Let's go, sport.
01:38:48Whoa, hold it.
01:38:49Sack!
01:38:57Okay, Sackmaster, one more. We should get back to the bar.
01:39:01You're right.
01:39:05You get near my fiancée again...
01:39:08I'll kill you.
01:39:12Let me say one thing.
01:39:19You check out the rack on that bartender?
01:39:20Hey, you're the Sack. She'll come to you.
01:39:23Oh, my God... Yeah, she will. You're right.
01:39:47JOHN: Jeremy!
01:39:49[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
01:39:52Goddamn it.
01:40:03Perfect.
01:40:07Johnny, wait a second.
01:40:09Come on, John!
01:40:10Oh, what time is it?
01:40:13John, will you wait a second so I can talk to you?
01:40:15Hold on, man.
01:40:17Will you stop? I'm not gonna chase you down the whole fucking street, man.
01:40:21- Hold on a second. Let me talk to you. - About what?
01:40:24About how you left me high and dry to get my ass kicked by Sack again?
01:40:27Sack did that to you?
01:40:28How long you been sneaking around with Gloria behind my back?
01:40:31I wanted to tell you about Gloria. I tried to. I didn't know how.
01:40:34And I'm sorry that you had to find out this way.
01:40:37I'll level with you.
01:40:39I care about her a lot.
01:40:42I love her.
01:40:44What?
01:40:47You're unbelievable. Judas.
01:40:50Rule number 5: You're an idiot.
01:40:53JEREMY: You're wrong to pull out the rulebook. There was never rules about this.
01:40:56What's the rule about walking away? Never walk away on a crasher in a funny jacket.
01:41:00Rule number 115.
01:41:03You're an asshole.
01:41:25[MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON TV]
01:41:36[MAN CONTINUES SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON TV]
01:41:38[PHONE RINGS]
01:41:41JOHN [ON ANSWERING MACHINE]: This is John. Whatever.
01:41:44[MACHINE BEEPS]
01:41:45JEREMY: Hey, John, it's Jeremy
01:41:47Just calling to see what you're up to
01:41:50Would love to hear back from you, man
01:41:52Give me a shout
01:41:55We'll do the wedding in peaches and apricots.
01:41:57It's a June wedding, but if the weather turns nasty...
01:41:59- ...warm colors will really help you. - That's right....
01:42:11Johnny.
01:42:14Johnny, open up, man.
01:42:16Does anyone ever feel like they're just...
01:42:19disappearing?
01:42:21I feel so much like giving up.
01:42:24[SCREAMING]
01:42:29Yeah!
01:42:35Get it?
01:42:36Put your hands out like this.
01:42:38- Claire. - Please.
01:42:43Hi. Thanks for coming.
01:42:46MAN 1: Hey! MAN 2: Get off her! What are you doing?
01:42:51- You're supposed to move your hands. - You're not getting enough attention?
01:42:57Love doesn't exist. That's what I'm trying to tell you guys.
01:43:00And I'm not picking on love...
01:43:02because I don't think friendship exists either.
01:43:08Hey! Shout!
01:43:11Shout! Put your hands up and shout!
01:43:17Are you okay? Get up, buddy.
01:43:20Move it on.
01:43:23JEREMY: Gloria, I've been doing a lot of soul-searching lately...
01:43:26and I think that I'm ready to take, um, this relationship...
01:43:31our relationship, to the next level.
01:43:33To what the next level of the relationship would be.
01:43:37- Jeremy. Jeremy! - Is that good?
01:43:39I am so ready to take it to the next level too.
01:43:41Do you wanna watch me with a girl?
01:43:43What about those Brazilian twins we met at the ballgame?
01:43:48I was... I was thinking more along the lines of an engagement.
01:43:53But that sounds terrific. That sounds unbelievable.
01:43:55The Brazilian girls were very nice. They seemed like...
01:43:58Oh, Jeremy, I do!
01:44:01- I love you. - I love you.
01:44:03I can't believe that they're getting married.
01:44:06I mean, don't you think that's really soon?
01:44:08Well, you know Gloria. She's impetuous.
01:44:11Has to have what she wants when she wants it.
01:44:13Well, we had to give her a Sweet 1 6...
01:44:17on her 1 3th birthday. You remember that.
01:44:19Yeah, I remember, but this is...
01:44:22Dad, this is marriage.
01:44:23When you know what you want, you know what you want.
01:44:29So...
01:44:32which of these do you like?
01:44:37Um....
01:44:39Well, I could go with the tall tapered arrangement...
01:44:43with tulips and freesias and orchids...
01:44:46or I could go with a votive of roses and lilies, I don't know.
01:44:53- Claire bear. - Yeah?
01:44:57What's wrong?
01:45:03Look...
01:45:09we have no way of knowing what lays ahead for us in the future.
01:45:14All we can do is...
01:45:17use the information at hand to make the best decision possible.
01:45:24It's gonna be fine.
01:45:26- Your whole life is gonna be fine. - Yeah.
01:45:30[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
01:45:41Happy birthday.
01:45:43Can't let a little pissing and moaning break tradition.
01:45:46Right, that's today.
01:45:54I see you've been getting into a little light reading.
01:45:57That's not mine. I bought that for a friend.
01:46:00Yeah.
01:46:01- So how you been? - Great. Really spectacular.
01:46:04Good. What have you been up to?
01:46:06You know, this and that. Crashing weddings.
01:46:09- Alone? - No, not alone.
01:46:12Well, who you been crashing with, then?
01:46:15- Chazz. - Chazz?
01:46:16- Chazz. - John, you don't even know Chazz...
01:46:19Yes, I do. He's a great guy. We've been having a ball together.
01:46:23All right, look, I wanted to come by here...
01:46:26and tell you that I feel really bad about everything that's happened between us.
01:46:30Your friendship means a lot to me.
01:46:33I miss seeing you.
01:46:36I know, I....
01:46:38Look, I'm happy for you. I'm glad you found someone.
01:46:43I can't tell you how glad it makes me to hear you say that, man.
01:46:47Get on in here, let the big bear get his paws on you.
01:46:50You know I love you.
01:46:52- It's good to see you. - Good to see you.
01:46:54You sure you've been okay? This does not look like a guy who's okay.
01:46:57- I know. It's like a pigsty. - It's like a mosh pit in here.
01:47:01Listen, I'm getting married.
01:47:02- Get out. - What?
01:47:04- You just said that you were happy for me... - I'm hanging by a thread.
01:47:08I'm reading don't-kill-myself books.
01:47:10- You said it wasn't yours. - Don't worry about the book.
01:47:13It isn't mine, but I glanced at it.
01:47:17John, you've been my friend for 1 6 years. I'm getting married.
01:47:21I need you there to be my best man.
01:47:23Kindly leave.
01:47:25- I'm try... - Kindly leave.
01:47:36- It'd mean a lot to me if you came. - Oh, I bet it would, hillbilly.
01:47:40What?
01:47:41- White trash. - What are you talking about?
01:47:44Out. Out.
01:47:47You better get your ass to that wedding.
01:48:00- Yeah? - Hi, is Chazz here?
01:48:05Chazz, there's someone here to see you!
01:48:09Pick up your fucking skateboard!
01:48:12[MUSIC PLAYS ON TV]
01:48:19[DOOR SLAMS]
01:48:33Chazz?
01:48:38What the fuck do you want?
01:48:40I'm John Beckwith. I'm friends with Jeremy Grey.
01:48:44Goddamn it, why didn't you say so?
01:48:47Come here, brother. Give me a hug.
01:48:50Bring it in for the real thing.
01:48:55Have a seat. Yeah.
01:49:00Goddamn you.
01:49:01I almost numchucked you, you don't even realize.
01:49:03Ouch.
01:49:06Yeah.
01:49:07- Is this your place? - No. No, no, no.
01:49:10- No, I live with my ma. - Oh.
01:49:12Yeah. You hungry?
01:49:14Hey, Ma! Can we get some meatloaf?
01:49:16Chazz, I think I'm okay. I had a bite right before I came over.
01:49:19- Thank you. - You sure?
01:49:21So how's my protégé?
01:49:23- Jeremy, boy, he... - Yeah, J-bone.
01:49:26J-bone is... Believe it or not, he's getting married.
01:49:29What?
01:49:31[LAUGHING]
01:49:33What an idiot!
01:49:36Oh, what a loser!
01:49:38Good. Good. More for me and you.
01:49:42More for... More for, uh...
01:49:48I gotta go.
01:49:50CHAZZ: Hey, babe, yeah.
01:49:51You do whatever you have to do.
01:50:04- Thanks. - Okay, be strong.
01:50:11I'm just living the dream.
01:50:13[LAUGHING]
01:50:16That's unbelievable.
01:50:19Oh, man, I feel like, "Wow!"
01:50:21It's like I come over, I don't know what to expect.
01:50:23I gotta be honest, I come in, it's like... A little like I'm trying to get my bearings.
01:50:27There's cartoons, your mom, and it's like, you still got it!
01:50:30Look at her. "Just living the dream," I love that.
01:50:34I will have some meatloaf. Let's have some meatloaf.
01:50:37- You want some? I knew you'd come... - Yes.
01:50:39Hey, Mom! The meatloaf!
01:50:42We want it now! The meatloaf!
01:50:47What is she doing? I never know what she's doing back there.
01:50:51"Just living the dream." Where did you get that girl?
01:50:53- She's hot. - I got her yesterday.
01:50:55- Yesterday? - Yeah.
01:50:57I rode my bike over to a cemetery nearby.
01:51:00Her boyfriend just died.
01:51:04- You met her at a funeral? - Yeah.
01:51:06Dude died in a hang-gliding accident. What an idiot!
01:51:09[LAUGHING]
01:51:12Ahh! "I'm hang-gliding! Honey, take a good picture... I'm dead!"
01:51:18What a freak.
01:51:20You met her at a funeral.
01:51:24Yeah, I'll throw in a wedding every now and then, but funerals are insane.
01:51:28The chicks are so horny, it's not even fair.
01:51:31It's like fishing with dynamite.
01:51:33- Horny? - Yeah, crazy horny.
01:51:37I just... At a funeral?
01:51:40Grief is nature's most powerful aphrodisiac.
01:51:45- Look it up. - I didn't know that.
01:51:48That's what I've learned.
01:51:50Ma, the meatloaf! Fuck!
01:51:54Saturday... I got one Saturday.
01:51:56You're coming with!
01:51:58Chazz, I'm sorry, I don't...
01:52:00I'm not judging you, because I think you're an innovator...
01:52:05but there's no way I'm ready for that.
01:52:09PRIEST: A time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted.
01:52:13A time to kill and a time to heal.
01:52:16A time to break down and a time to build up.
01:52:19A time to weep and a time to laugh.
01:52:23[SOBBING]
01:52:27PRIEST: A time to cast away stones.... CHAZZ: It's so senseless.
01:52:30Damn you, Roger.
01:52:35Roger.
01:52:37[CHAZZ CONTINUES SOBBING]
01:52:40Oh!
01:52:42Damn you, Roger!
01:52:44Damn it! Damn you!
01:52:46I'm in pain.
01:52:48Try to fight it. Try to fight it.
01:52:51I don't know about you people, but I'm in pain.
01:52:53I know that there is no good in them...
01:52:56for man to rejoice and to do good in his life...
01:53:01for that which befalleth the sons of men, befalleth beasts.
01:53:06Even one thing befalleth...
01:53:08as the one dieth, so dieth the other.
01:53:12Yea, they all have one breath...
01:53:14so that a man hath no preeminence above the beast.
01:53:19While each man thinks he knows love...
01:53:21love, we have learned, is a mystery.
01:53:26That's what makes today so special.
01:53:31We witness two people choosing to marry...
01:53:35ones they truly love.
01:53:39[DOOR SLAMS]
01:53:46Whoa, whoa, hey!
01:53:47Hey! Hey!
01:53:51He's the best man.
01:53:55Yeah.
01:53:56Thank you.
01:54:15I don't believe this.
01:54:27Hat in hand.
01:54:29I'm sorry I'm late.
01:54:31I'm glad you're here.
01:54:33And I'm sorry I called you white trash. I didn't...
01:54:36- John, apology accepted. - Okay.
01:54:39And I'm sorry I called you a hillbilly, I don't even know what that meant.
01:54:42John, it's okay.
01:54:45Do you mind if I get married now?
01:54:47- No, go ahead. - [MOUTHING] Okay.
01:54:50Hi, Todd.
01:54:53Although we may choose whom we marry...
01:54:57- ...we don't always choose.... - Psst.
01:54:58[WHISPERING] Claire, I'm not here to bother you, I just came to be his best man.
01:55:02Don't worry about me. Pretend I'm not here.
01:55:06[MOUTHING] Okay.
01:55:08I'm not a nut.
01:55:13You look really pretty, by the way. That's all I'm gonna say.
01:55:18I can't stop thinking about you.
01:55:20It's all I think about and I don't know what to do.
01:55:22JEREMY: Ahem. - I'm sorry.
01:55:26O'NEIL: You see, love is mysterious....
01:55:29God, I miss you.
01:55:33[WHISPERING] Okay, excuse me, I'm sorry.
01:55:37[IN NORMAL VOICE] Claire, hold it a second. Claire, Claire.
01:55:40Claire, will you wait just a second?
01:55:42All I wanted was a second alone so I could try to explain things.
01:55:47But I've never gotten that chance.
01:55:50Maybe I don't deserve it.
01:55:52So here goes.
01:55:54For longer than I care to remember, my business has been crashing weddings.
01:55:59I crashed weddings to meet girls.
01:56:01Business was good.
01:56:04I met a lot of girls.
01:56:06And it was childish, it was juvenile...
01:56:09And pathetic.
01:56:11Yeah, that's probably the best word to describe it.
01:56:15But you know what? It also led me to you.
01:56:18So it's hard for me to completely regret it.
01:56:21And that person that you met back at your folks' place, that was really me.
01:56:25Maybe not my name... I'm John Beckwith, by the way.
01:56:29Or my job...
01:56:30but the feelings we felt...
01:56:32the jokes, the stupid laughs, that was all me.
01:56:36I've changed. I've realized something.
01:56:39- I crashed a funeral earlier, and I... - Wha...?
01:56:42[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
01:56:44Oh, Jesus.
01:56:47It wasn't my idea. I was basically dragged to it.
01:56:50I went with Chazz, who you forgot to tell me is totally insane.
01:56:54He also might be a genius, because it actually does work. He's cleaning up.
01:56:58CLAIRE: John. - I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
01:57:01That's neither here nor there.
01:57:02And I see this widow and she's a wreck.
01:57:06She's just lost the person she loves the most in this world.
01:57:10And I realized we're all gonna lose the people we love.
01:57:14That's the way it is.
01:57:16But not me, not right now.
01:57:20Because the person I love the most is standing right here...
01:57:24and I'm not ready to lose you yet.
01:57:26Claire, I'm not standing here asking you to marry me.
01:57:30I'm just asking you...
01:57:33not to marry him.
01:57:36And maybe take a walk.
01:57:38Take a chance.
01:57:41Wow. Wow!
01:57:45This congregation really doesn't care about how depressing your life is, John, okay?
01:57:50Claire, baby, could you go back up on the altar so we can have a wedding?
01:57:56I'm sorry.
01:57:59I am.
01:58:00SACK: What?
01:58:03I can't marry you.
01:58:07[CHUCKLES]
01:58:10Secretary...
01:58:11your daughter's a little....
01:58:16Sack, I've always liked you...
01:58:20so I put up with your stories about scallops and otters...
01:58:25and it's all good because you seemed to make her happy...
01:58:28and that's what matters to me most.
01:58:31But this is her decision.
01:58:37I stand by my daughter.
01:58:39You don't know shit.
01:58:41- Claire, go back up on the altar. - No.
01:58:43Claire! Claire, get up on that altar right now.
01:58:46Stop it.
01:58:47Claire, get your fucking ass on that altar right now!
01:58:50Wow, getting a nice preview of what marriage is gonna be like...
01:58:52with Ike Turner here.
01:58:56- Sack! - Oh, God, here it goes.
01:58:57[GRUNTING]
01:59:00[PEOPLE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
01:59:01Share that with the Dalai Lama, jackass.
01:59:05- I think I had him. - I know you did.
01:59:08Just go kiss the broad.
01:59:12[MOANING]
01:59:21Would it be a total cliché if I kissed you right now?
01:59:25Yes.
01:59:35Just wonderful.
01:59:39So damn beautiful.
01:59:43With every death there comes rebirth.
01:59:46- It's the circle of life. - Oh.
01:59:49We're gonna be all right.
01:59:51Hey.
01:59:58[CRYING]
02:00:00Hey.
02:00:05[LAUGHING]
02:00:07- So, what's next? - I'm starving.
02:00:09Fujimora wedding, 3 p.m.
02:00:12Hey, hey.
02:00:13I'm just throwing it out there. I'm just saying, just....
02:00:18They would have great tempura.
02:00:20We don't even have a back-story, I just....
02:00:22- No, forget it, forget it. - I'm talking out loud.
02:00:26We're a folk-singing group from Salt Lake City.
02:00:30Yeah.
02:00:32Yes, we are.

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